The Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Pastafarian Quatrains
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SI_SI new design masters 7/21/11 12:57 PM Page 54 [FORUM The Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Pastafarian Quatrains JONATHAN C. SMITH found God on Christmas in 2005. The New York Times piece of software that mercilessly finds all legal anagrams for whatever phrase had just reported a new web sensation, the Flying you desire. Just for fun, I plugged in ISpaghetti Monster (FSM). And like a twist of wet dan- words that seemed to fit my mood and gling spaghetti, my spiritual journey took a dramatic turn. the spirit of the season: The Meaning of Life. It had begun six months earlier. In Eight anagrams (arranged into quat- the sleepy town of Corvallis, Oregon, rains, to ensure credibility), caught my unemployed twenty-five-year-old slot- attention: machine technician Bobby Henderson The fine game of nil. had had enough. Frustrated with the Fame? I feel nothing. Kansas Board of Education’s push to Feeling fit? Ahem, no! teach the Biblical creation myth next to One fine lame fight. Darwin in biology classes, he demanded Feel fate homing in. that his deity, the Flying Spaghetti O, female! Fine thing! Fine gin, hot female. Monster, receive equal classroom time. The engine of a film! His now-famous letter (revered by Pastafarians as a Holy Document) pro- Astonishingly, each line is a perfect claimed: “Let us re member that there anagram of “The Meaning of Life.” And are multiple theories of Intelligent De- the message was obvious. Life is a game: sign. I and many others around the a lame fight with no meaning. Fame and world are of the strong belief that the even health are empty. Fate rules. What universe was created by a Flying Spa - is one to do? Drown oneself in gin and ghetti Monster.” Flying Spaghetti females. And note the sardonic conclu- When not analyzing Monsterism, or Pastafarianism, caught sion: all of this is a sleazy grade-B plot, spaghettigrams, on (Henderson 2006). Henderson’s “the engine of a film!” Jonathan C. Smith (aka Church of the Flying Spaghetti Mon- This is not how I wanted to start the Jon Smith) is a licensed ster website (www.venganza.org) re- great season of hope and joy. A persistent clinical psychologist, ceived millions of hits. Serious articles inner voice prompted my next step: “Feed professor of psychology at Chicago’s Roosevelt appeared in the New York Times and the phrase ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster’ to University, and head of Scientific American. A new world reli- Anagram Genius.” the Pseudoscience and gion was born. My trusty anagram generator needed Paranormal Lab. His recent book, Pseudo- Yes, I was moved, perhaps touched, four hours to spew out its assignment. science and Extraordinary Claims of the Para- by His Noodly Appendage. My winter However, the results were astonishing— normal: A Critical Thinker’s Toolkit (Wiley- vacation had started. Basking in the like tablets, manna, or possibly pasta from Blackwell, 2010), is emerging as a popular warm artificial glow of the fireplace in heaven. The first anagrams (spa ghet - text in critical thinking. E-mail: jsmith@roo- my local coffeehouse, I opened my new tigrams) of “Flying Spaghetti Mon ster” sevelt.edu. Webpage: www.lulu.com/stress. copy of Anagram Genius, a dangerous formed something of a proclamation: 54 Volume 35 Issue 5 | Skeptical Inquirer SI_SI new design masters 7/21/11 12:57 PM Page 55 The Passion Quatrains Finest might, sporty Angel, teries (Curl 1996; Michaelsen 1998). It Mostly fighting a Serpent. is possible that Hebrew Kabbalists be- Perhaps as a sign of its truthfulness, the Sting of almighty Serpent, lieved anagrams contained secret myster- Petty mangler of insights, Pastafarian Quatrains rival the Holy ies. Some Nostra damus quatrains con- Bible’s stories of passion and lust. The Floating pestering myths. tain anagrams that continue to move and Temptingly fights reason. beautiful and poetic Passion Quatrains Fight gentlest parsimony. inspire people. Anagrams occur in the vividly portray the risks of courting delu- Myth-generating flip-toss. Bible. In sum, anagrams are true (“as a sional intellectual attachments, here sym- rare argument”).1 bolized as passion. Again, each is a perfect anagram of I decided to treat the remaining “Flying Spaghetti Monster.” At the This frosty pig gentleman, spaghettigrams with archaeological re- Tormenting shapely gifts. time I was writing a textbook on critical spect—a twenty-first-century version of Phony flirt gets steaming, thinking, pseudoscience, and the para- the Biblical Dead Sea Scrolls. Like many Then flings petty orgasm. normal (Smith 2010). The quatrains archaeological artifacts, the spaghetti- Filthy G-String Poets. Amen! seemed to comment on my writing. grams emerged as fragments, which re- Manly poet, G-String fetish. Who is the Angel? Obviously it is truth vealed a startling messaging as I pieced Fetish groans temptingly. Penalty of thirsting gems. and reason, the main themes of my para- them together. I was driven by the truth normal book. Who is the Serpent? The that each came directly from the deity, Tempting ’n’ flashiest orgy? enemy of truth and reason: pseudoscien- the FSM. (Indeed, no other religion can Tempting ’n’ faithless orgy. tific thinking that mangles in sights, floats Self-pitying tenth orgasm. make such a provable claim about its Hot self-pity G-string. Amen! pestering myths, and temptingly fights scriptures.) Together they form what I Finest G-string, empty halo. both reason and one of the most power- now call Pastafarian Quatrains. (Smith ful tools of critical thinking: parsimo- The nails of empty G-string. 2006, 2008). The epic battle between rea- Fat, slimy pestering thong. nious analysis, or Occam’s razor. And son and delusion began to unfold. The self-pity G-string moan. how does the serpent do this? By creat- The Preparatory Stanzas Finest porn gets almighty. ing truthful-sounding myths out of the If mighty angel tests porn . “flip-toss” of coincidence.Incidentally, I The first quatrains warn that pseudosci- Porn feigns stately might. swear to god(s) this came from a dream. entific thinking often poses as a wise Gnarliest of empty nights. A voice instructed me to program Ana- angel. However, we should be skeptical Yes, each line is a perfect anagram of gram Genius to generate only spa - of gospels that superficially appear plau- “Flying Spaghetti Monster.” But I was ghettigrams containing the word flip. sibly angelic but are nevertheless false. a bit troubled by the obsession with G- “Myth-generating flip-toss” is what I got. These gospels may seem to be “fine strings. Perhaps they are a metaphor for Faced with such provocative in sights, songs,” but they are actually “mighty, pseudoscientific delusion that binds and I feverishly devoted the three weeks of tempting, nagging, flimsy prattle.” my vacation to unearthing spaghetti- entraps . like an empty G-string? And Fine songs, mighty prattle, grams. It became an obsession, consum- is porn a derisive metaphor for pseudo- Lengthy figmentary posts, scientific delusion? I’ll leave such deeper ing four hours of coffee shop time every Angry song, emptiest filth. day, seven days a week. A remarkable epic Temptingly soft singer? Ha! interpretations to Pasta farian scholars. I wish to say no more about the Passion began to unfold—a battle between rea- Salty might of presenting? Quatrains. son and pseudoscientific delusion: the This flimsy, potent nagger. story of the Angel and the Serpent. “Angel’s” gift or inept myths? Incidentally, the Pastafarian Qua - Before we get to the story, let us take Petty insights from “Angel.” trains even contain a study guide: a step back. Why should anyone take The stifling, empty groans. Fragment this tiny gospel. such anagrams seriously? The world’s Trash tiny figment “gospel.” But the quatrains then warn against Spot thrifty gems in Angel, premiere anagram expert, William Tun- getting too upset about pseudoscientific Itsy gem of plain strength. stall-Pedoe (2007), has noted the un- attempts masquerading as reason. Anger canny and enigmatic meaningfulness of On fighting messy prattle: can get in the way of productive discus- Test gingerly, if phantoms. anagrams. It is in deed remarkable that: Parse intently, fight smog. sion concerning matters paranormal: 2 Debit card = Bad credit Forget anything misspelt. This petty gem of snarling. Slot machines = Cash lost in ‘em Self-tormenting, pithy gas. The Pastafarian Epic Dormitory = Dirty room This flimsy, potent nagger. Christian = Rich at sin (or Rich saint), Might of petty gnarliness. After having prepared us extensively, Atheist = Eat shit, and the Quatrains return to the epic story. Skeptic = Sick pet (or It pecks). Snarl! Shifty, tempting ego. Empty sage snorting filth. We meet our hero, the Pig. The Pig has Indeed, throughout history ana- Snotty, if angriest, phlegm. been a literary figure of archetypal sig- grams have been linked to deep mys- Angry flight to emptiness. nificance, ranging from the whimsical Skeptical Inquirer | September / October 2 01 1 5 5 SI_SI new design masters 7/21/11 12:57 PM Page 56 Very Large Num bers—augmented by confirmation bias—suggests that one can readily select a few dozen that appear to tell whatever story we may desire or ex- pect. Selective perception makes the process almost automatic as we notice supportive details. Through patternicity we see ghosts in shadows, the man in the Moon, and even messages in batches of anagrams. The Pastafarian Quatrains are an ob ject lesson in faulty thinking. In deed, in honor of His Holiness, Bobby Hen- derson’s Flying Spaghetti Mon ster, we might label such attempts at pseudosci- entific analysis as “noodly thinking” or Porky Pig and Miss Piggy to the tragic the world’s faux deities, only the FSM perhaps just “intellectual spaghetti.” Wilbur of Charlotte’s Web and the and Pigasus are linked.3 But are the However justified skepticism may be, I equally tragic Three Little Pigs.