THE DECEIVER WRITING ABOUT THE UNGRATEFUL, APATHETIC UMBC COMMUNITY SINCE 1966

Volume 38, Issue Tissue 23 1000 Hilltop Circle, Believe, MD 21250 Smarch 30, 2004 Bush, Cheney announce forbidden love Hrabowski Executives to meet unveils with Senator Santorum robot

BOB THE BUILDER body Deceiver Weekly Staff Writer

In what was one of the most LOCUTUS OF BORG shocking and confusing press con- Deceiver something something butt ferences of all time, President UMBC President Freeman Bush and Vice President Dick Hrabowski showed off his new Cheney stunned a crowd of press cybernetic body to the student reporters today while discussing body this week. the timetable for the withdrawal The robot body is made from of U.S. troops from Iraq. Both seemed unusually nervous and antsy during the conference, but nothing was made of it until the middle of the event. While describing the terrain in the Iraqi Desert, President Bush was said to remark “Now Iraq…is a desert…and deserts are Nic Crowe [He’s Delicious] uhmm…known to be hot…very hot…hot hot hot, like my Vice Presidential Butt Plugs: The happy White House couple returns from a shopping spree in Dupont Circle. President!” The outburst was odd enough, but all present were fur- President further declared that he amendment to the Bible to make their asses off at the whole inci- ther shocked as Bush proceeded to was going to form a super villain being gay okay after Labor Day. In dent. Senator Kerry has asserted grab Cheney and start making out team with Cheney called the their secret mountain lair in San that a Kerry administration will with him as the vice president “Despicably Gay Duo.” “Call me Francisco, they have dispatched significantly reduce the number of groped his executive’s butt. the Sodo-master!” he said as he incredibly well-dressed soldiers presidents that come out of the When the shocked silence jumped into the crowd and who have seized control of all the closet and become ineffective finally ended, reporters were punched the most masculine fig- local hair salons and claim they international terrorists. The quick to ask what the hell was ure nearby, who happened to be will, “give everyone really bad Republicans have fired back that going on. Bush responded in a an advocate of Butch Feminism, haircuts,” unless their demands this is just more of, “the same old near crazed tone that he was “Sick and beat her senseless. are met. Washington spin,” and that the of living a lie” and that “the The Despicably Gay Duo has Gay leaders have been slow to gay-president-who-becomes-an- straight world will pay for what it since fallen out of sight, but is respond, mostly because they, like has done to our love!” The demanding a constitutional the rest of us, have been laughing see PLUG, page 3 Fighting STOPS in Food Civil War, many dead Patrick Moore

He Plays Xylophone Anita Field [Secret Lover] Resistance is futile: Hrabowski is an unstoppable cybernetic power house of sweet sweet love.

blast-proof duratanium alloys and weighs only 30 pounds. Its arse- Billy [Retriever Staff] nal includes particle cannons and rocket launchers, and will also Penguins: These are Penguins, they can’t fly, nor love. Or can they? allow the president to fly. “This is so cool,” said A ceasefire was issued early pulled away from reruns of Love Hrabowski as his servo-arms lifted Thursday, effectively ending the war Connection to comment, but we’re the entire Fine Arts building and between Wood Company and the sure that they are very relieved. tied it in a knot. “None shall defy SGA. Warlords for both sides said that The war is estimated to have my will!” they were very tired of hurling food at caused nearly $3 million dollars worth To fund the robot body, one another, and not bathing for a of damages and mental anguish, tuition will be going up $3,000 week had really begun to take its toll. according to some sources. and 30 head of cattle next fall. Students still residing on campus Campus officials are still on vaca- There’s really no more to this are elated, though some are being tion and probably won’t notice any- story. It was more something we treated for bowel obstructions after thing when they come back The holes thought up for the picture. You they ate their carpet in fits of despera- in Erickson Field will merely be lightly can stop reading now. Bears need lovin’ too. tion. covered in the hopes that those damned You smell like pea soup. Campus Police could not be ultimate frisbee kids will fall in. Four Day trw.umbc.edu 410.455.1260 o o Forecast tues: love wed: avocado thu: despairo fri: nudityo 2 News March 9, 2004 THE DECEIVER

BehindtheScenes Senior scientist Dr. Murderstein College News explores the “unpopular” sciences Elsinore. A platform before though he did mention that he worked at the Castle. WARREN PIEZ the Hohenheim University in Germany Deceiver Weekly Staff Writer until their ‘moral buffoonery’ prompted Enter two Sentinels-[first,] Francisco, UMBC professor Dr. Malcolm him to move to Maryland. [who paces up and downat his post; then] “I loved Germany,” he reminisced, Bernardo, [who approaches him]. Murderstein is not just the school’s only biophysics expert; he’s also its oldest and with a glimmer of a smile on his age-torn most decrepit member of the faculty. He’s face, “Students had respect and discipline Ber. Who’s there? there. They weren’t always asking stupid Fran. Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold been carrying on his work in tissue regen- questions like these American students.” JED [Retriever Staff] yourself. eration and biomechanical implants here at UMBC for so long that no one remem- Grunting, he also began an impassioned Ber. Long live the King! impersonation of a whiny student, Fran. Bernardo? bers when he first got the job or how he managed to obtain a private laboratory in “‘What’s for homework?’ ‘Why do you tinuing his research and obtaining more Ber. He. have to post the exam grades all the way on laboratory equipment. Fran. You come most carefully upon your the basement of the physics building. “As far as I know, Murderstein has the 4th floor of the physics building?’ Students looking for an interesting hour. ‘Why do I hear animals screaming down in research position might inquire in his lab, Ber. ‘Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to had an underground lab here since before the school was even built,” chuckles Dr. your lab?’” if they can pass the course first. “Ah yes, bed, Francisco. Though he may seem like an unfriend- we’re always looking for additions to our Fran. For this relief much thanks. ‘Tis bit- Terrance Worchesky. “He’s usually so attached to his work that he doesn’t leave ly guy, students who become active in his army of the night,” he says, curling his ter cold, research often can’t get enough of Dr. wrinkled lips into a grin. And I am sick at heart. the lab until after nightfall anyway. I think most students, and even most facul- Murderstein. You may remember last year’s Ber. Have you had quiet guard? apparent disappearance of senior Jonas Fran. Not a mouse stirring. ty, wouldn’t even know the guy existed if he didn’t have to teach a class or two.” Linderston. His roommate reported him Quick Questions: Ber. Well, good night. missing when he didn’t return to his apart- If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus, Dr. Worchesky is referring to the recent mandate that all teachers must per- ment for over a week. However, after a The rivals of my watch, bid them make sighting near the stairwell of the physics 1. If you could be any animal, haste. sonally teach a class if they are a full time faculty member at the school. Up until building, further inquiry discovered that he what would you be? had simply been working in Dr. Enter Horatio and Marcellus. last spring, Dr. Murderstein had always used a graduate student to teach the stu- Murderstein’s lab for a few nights. Though “Definitely a piranha hawk, though dent-friendly Physics 104 for him. Now a bit paler and thinner than before, the those technically don’t exist yet.” Fran. I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who reclusive senior was otherwise unharmed. is there? that the mandate has been passed, he’s become a more visible campus personali- “Students often toil through the long 2. What’s your favorite holiday Hor. Friends to this ground. nights and weeks with me,” Dr. Mar. And liegemen to the Dane. ty, teaching the intro-level physics course: movie? “Physics 123: Introduction to Academic Murderstein affirms grimly. “A mad scien- Fran. Give you good night. tist’s job is never done.” Mar. O, farewell, honest soldier. Failure.” The course and its lab compo- “Bah, I hate movies. And holidays.” nent are a grueling semester-long intro- Dr. Murderstein’s hobbies include x- Who hath reliev’d you? ray crystallography, spider collecting, and Fran. Bernardo hath my place. duction to animal experimentation, 3. Who is your favorite celebrity? robotic circuitry, and dead tissue regener- reading. Give you good night. “I have always had a passion for the Exit. ation. “Oppenheimer, now there’s a man for Dr. Murderstein was hesitant to dis- work of William Faulkner,” he admits. Mar. Holla, Bernardo! His future plans simply include con- the ages.” Ber. Say- cuss his own academic background, What, is Horatio there ? Hor. A piece of him. Ber. Welcome, Horatio. Welcome, good Marcellus. UMBC introduces new admission regulation Mar. What, has this thing appear’d again to-night? across the state. Students are also asked for their foot inside Hilltop Circle.” Ber. I have seen nothing. DAVID HASSELLHOFF help. In the press conference, Hrabowski said, Hrabowski is very confident that as early as Mar. Horatio says ‘tis but our fantasy, The Last Cowboy “If any current student has a beautiful family the coming fall semester, an estimated number And will not let belief take hold of him member or any good looking friends, we would of 400 dazzling freshmen will be admitted to Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen In a press conference on late Friday, ask those people to help us out. Help your the school. All summer long, the administration of us. UMBC President Freeman Hrabowski school to become number one and bring your will welcome interested students and rate them Therefore I have entreated him along, announced that a new regulation, concerning handsome friends on by their looks. A jury of ten selected officials With us to watch the minutes of this admission of new students according to their a trip to will judge on the applicants looks. There are night, looks, has been passed. The president would even said to be one or two celebrity jury That, if again this apparition come, not speak to reporters, but school officials con- members, but no names were announced. He may approve our eyes and speak to it. firmed the reason being the increased unattrac- Students interested in applying, should be Hor. Tush, tush, ‘twill not appear. tiveness of UMBC students. tall, have good skin, and shiny hair. Female Ber. Sit down awhile, Students are shocked although most of students should be very skinny, have And let us once again assail your ears, them saw it coming. Hrabowski spoke about preferably long hair, and a cup size of at That are so fortified against our story, UMBC’s place as one of the most diverse cam- least C. Men should be lean, have no What we two nights have seen. puses in the nation, and with the new law he facial hair, and show proof of a daily Hor. Well, sit we down, hopes to improve on multiplicity even more. workout. Applicants should be pre- And let us hear Bernardo speak of this. His goal, he said, “is to be number one in pared to take of part of their clothes, Ber. Last night of all, the country.” Right now our school is therefore the school advises to wear When yond same star that’s westward ranked at number four, so the top spot is not swim suits under the regular outfits. from the pole that far away. The judging will take place on Had made his course t’ illume that part However, the new regulation does not campus, but the exact location will be of heaven come without a twist. To implement the kept a secret. The administration fears Where now it burns, Marcellus and diversity law, as the president called it, the SAT that part of the ugly student community myself, scores required for students to be able to apply might try to attend the review and distract, The bell then beating one- to the school had to be lowered. At the moment, officials were debating about numbers or worse sabotage the new students. With this new law in effect, the Enter Ghost. around 400, but sources have said that “the actual number would be closer to 300.” administration hopes to reach its goal. Beautiful people from other cultures are Mar. Peace! break thee off! Look where it There even seems to be plan on how to more than welcome. Beauty has no borders or comes again! recruit those beautiful people. From now on, UMBC.” The recruiting process will start right limits. There will be a website with details about Ber. In the same figure, like the King that’s not only athletes will be given money to come away. The school’s administration hopes to have admission, but school officials are extremely dead. to UMBC. Scholarships will be given to the cut the rate of ugly students down to 40%, as of excited already. Provost Arthur T. Johnson is Mar. Thou art a scholar; speak to it, most gorgeous men and women if they decide now the number is said to be 99,6% so the task beside himself facing the upcoming events, Horatio. to come to the school. the school has set for itself is not an easy one. “Now it’s only a matter of months when this Ber. Looks it not like the King? Mark it, A number of beauty coaches have been But the president is optimistic, “This year, the school we be declared number one as the most Horatio. hired to go out and find people that fit the pro- graduating senior class is particularly hideous, file. The coaches will attend a number of beau- and we are happy to say that we will be ‘losing’ diverse, and hopefully even most beautiful in ty pageants and others will take a look at gyms some of the most revolting students that ever set our wonderful nation.” THE DECEIVER March 9, 2004 News 3 Wood at war with SGA: BUTT The Erickson Battlefield

PATRICK TYLER ness application.” Deceiver Editorial Staff Battle hymns were also sung. “Gonna PLUG stomp out Wood” was the SGA favorite “We’re Erickson Field was once a place of happi- gonna stomp out Wood/ We’re gonna stomp from PLUG, page 1 World News ness and mirth, a place where people could em good, No one thought we could but we’re throw a football, where kids could play soccer, gonna stomp out Wood.” ineffective-international-terrorist trend Athletic director captured in RAC or where those damned Ultimate Frisbee guys The SGA-ers even created their own uni- actually began under the Clinton could spend way too much time and energy on forms out of garbage bags and used Krispy Administration. a plastic disc. But today Erickson Field is a dif- Kreme wrappers, which cause them to look like For his part, New President Colin A year after US troops invaded the ferent place—a colder, more sinister locale. the worst kind of hobos. However, the stu- Powell has given the Sodo-master, “10 sec- RAC, Special Forces captured athletic direc- Gone are the days of barbecues and intramural dent/warriors feel that this will strike fear into onds starting 11 seconds ago,” and has tor Dr. Charles Brown hiding in a “spider flag football, because Erickson field is now at their opponents. The next morning the fight- decided to launch nuclear weapons at the hole” in the weight room. the center of a war raging between Wood ing began. former president. He added, “I’ve been wait- The US-led invasion followed refusals Company and the Student Government This reporter spent the day in the trench- ing to do this for three years. That bastard by Brown to surrender weapons of mass Association (SGA). es with the SGA. Fighting began at around made me get him his coffee and wash his destruction that President George W Bush Tensions between the two groups 1pm with the first burger being thrown from nipple rings. Freak!” alleged were hidden throughout the RAC. have been brewing for months, with blows the SGA side. Wood Company responded with Brown was found in a small under- being struck beaurocratically from both sides; a blast from a home-made salad cannon and ground bunker along with a tape recorder, a however, just before spring break it all came to the fighting grew intense thereafter. The force pistol, a machine gun, and the “Retriever” a head when an unknown member of the SGA of nearly 30 SGA warriors held off Wood’s mascot costume. Face unshaved and hair got what he considered to be a “bad burger” army of over 40 for nearly two hours at a stale- unkempt, when the US soldiers forced him from the commons Grille. mate, but late in the day Wood Company out at gunpoint he hardly resembled the A Member of the SGA explained, “ He made progress, now occupying a position near- tyrant Bush railed against in early 2003. just got a bad burger. It was all dry and burnt, ly half way up Erickson Field. Following US troops have occupied the RAC for like it had been sitting out for a few days. He today’s battle, the SGA warlord had this to say, months now, despite rising casualties and a just lost control.” Stories about the incident “ We fought hard, but there were just too many failure to find any of the alleged weapons of have been circulating throughout the SGA of them. Tomorrow, however, we have a secret mass destruction. Pentagon officials said camp, which is located in the Commons. weapon to unveil.” they have no intention of pulling troops out Shortly following what this reporter is calling Campus Police so far have been complete- of the RAC. the “bitter burger that caused a war” (copyright ly silent on the matter. One officer comment- Unfortunately, we’re too tired to finish pending), the SGA forces united, hurling food ed, “We’re on Spring Break too. If this story, and honestly, it’s not that funny products at Wood employees and forcing them those people want any more, so here’s some Latin gibberish. from the Commons. Wood employees spread to hurl Suspendisse potenti. Nullam fermen- word quickly, and after being ousted launched meat tum turpis sed tellus. Aliquam erat volutpat. a full-scale attack on the Dining Hall, forcing and veg- Integer sed tellus. In mollis nisl at eros. all students to leave the premises as they set up ! Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer their war council inside. R gies adipiscing elit. Phasellus eu risus. AW All of this occurred Friday evening; R back and Mauris non velit varius velit pulvinar Saturday, the forth they pellentesque. Phasellus semper. Curabitur troops began to can do it til dictum. Cras porta, mauris in pellentesque mobilize. After their arms fall consequat, sapien augue congue dolor, a stealing shovels from off. I’m watch- facilisis lorem nulla ac ante. Fusce consequat the Physical Plant, ing TV.” This apathy is not shared by aliquet eros. Proin sed nisl eget ante con- troops from each side began those few students who still reside in Patapsco sectetuer scelerisque. Donec aliquet. digging trenches in Erickson Field in Hall. One such student, Johnny Rebel, had this Maecenas vestibulum, dui ut interdum preparation for the war. Back at the to say, “We’re starving here. I already ate my fish pretium, eros dolor ullamcorper tellus, ut war bases troops worked feverishly to and the crumbs in the carpet are starting to look tempor sapien eros quis tellus. cook up anything possible as ammunition in really appetizing.” Etiam convallis odio ac urna. Ut turpis the next day’s battle. That evening at the SGA And, in the end, is the fighting worth it? Are massa, varius eu, adipiscing eget, congue camp there was a grim sort of humor in the air. the wasted greens and meat really going to quis, pede. Morbi massa est, lobortis non, Jokes were tossed about as to the level of culi- account for the lost dignity of a school at war placerat ut, fermentum id, purus. Mauris nary expertise they possessed over the Wood with itself? Abraham Lincoln said together we vehicula eleifend orci. Ut consequat suscipit staff. One student even said, “I wonder if I can stand divided we fall. A meat-pelted Wood staffer elit. put this battle experience on a resume. I mean and a leafy green SGA member would be served Fusce purus neque, scelerisque vel, tem- I think this could really look good on a busi- well to learn from the lessons of our great father. por ac, gravida sit amet, lacus. Vivamus eget velit. Phasellus feugiat pellentesque dui. Curabitur ac turpis. Duis in libero a augue Gay marriage takes toll on civilization lobortis consectetuer. Nunc eget lectus. Praesent pulvinar, eros ut dapibus iaculis, nunc lorem rhoncus Equal rights bring floods, earthquakes nibh, eu vestibulum lacus pede at justo. Fusce nec mauris eget lectus commodo rhoncus. Morbi dignissim tempor wisi. RAYMOND OF TOULOUSE Proin et ipsum. Donec a eros. Cras ut Deciever Weekly Crack Commando leo. Nulla facilisi. Etiam rutrum, lectus in The recent trend of local authorities lobortis pharetra, sem neque auctor mauris, in deciding to offer marriage licenses to same-sex varius tortor massa id tortor. Praesent eu couples has led to catastrophic disasters that massa. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, con- threaten civilization as we know it. sectetuer adipiscing elit. Suspendisse porta “If only we’d maintained second-class citi- varius risus. Sed dignissim ipsum ac ante. zenship for sexual minorities, the way God Nullam interdum gravida velit. intended!” moaned William Fasces, director of Suspendisse eget sem ac ligula auctor pretium. the American Council of Family Values Aenean sit amet libero. Aliquam interdum Enforcement, as he clung to a street sign to nulla et nunc. Etiam sem lectus, venenatis sit keep from being swept away in the floods that amet, dapibus eget, lacinia sed, nisl. Phasellus ravaged Washington, DC this week. dolor wisi, euismod vel, blandit et, faucibus Earthquakes finally separated California eu, justo. Proin iaculis consectetuer nibh. from the continent, and a plague of frogs Nam vestibulum velit ut dolor. buried New York City, only days after torna- Donec sollicitudin cursus elit. Sed eu dolor in diam vestibulum rutrum. Morbi does swept through Oregon. Experts said there Anita Field [Retriever Staff] was an incontrovertible link between offering justo velit, cursus sit amet, lobortis at, biben- Rubber ducky, you’re the one: SEemingly harmless same-sex couples such as this one have dum vel, odio. same-sex couples the same privileges and status brought the human race to its knees. enjoyed by heterosexuals, but added that they Duis nulla pede, egestas vel, ornare eget, fermentum ac, turpis. Maecenas fringilla. Ut were damned if they could explain it. storms of locusts,” said Bob. “But our daugh- Hailstones the size of Cooper Minis have sit amet augue et enim congue eleifend. Sed Thousands flocked to San Francisco ter Susie got all As on her latest report card!” already devastated much of the Midwest. vestibulum, metus a egestas laoreet, sapien recently when the city’s mayor instructed offi- The Joneses also have really nice curtains. As devastating firestorms ripped through justo tristique eros, ut vestibulum velit diam cials to begin issuing same-sex marriage licens- We’re probably all going to die. Already, the Baltimore area, local newlywed gay couple eu risus. Vestibulum dui sapien, lobortis nec, es. Cities in Oregon and New York followed South America has sunk below the ocean, and Bob and William Jones, who flew to San mattis sed, mollis eget, sem. Proin ut sem eu suit, and the Massachusetts state legislature is the Elder Gods have reawaken to devour all Francisco to get married as soon as they heard elit rhoncus commodo. Aliquam laoreet auc- racing against the clock to avoid having to issue before them, and even more people are starving the news, were impervious to the havoc they tor pede. gay marriage licenses under court order. were wreaking. “I don’t know about any in developing countries than usual. 4 News March 9, 2004 THE DECEIVER Wood Co. fights obesity, Popo Logo one student at a time

JAMES K. POLK calorie intake,” declared another Wood Co. The Eleventh President representative. “In addition, some of the Theft of Soul Mooning healthiest people on earth seem to be vege- With obesity becoming one of the tarians, so we hope to move the UMBC A UMBC Student reported the theft main concerns of America today, Wood Co. community toward vegetarianism too,” of his soul last Friday night; the soul was A UMBC professor was mooned by 3 of his students while teaching English has recently developed a plan to fight the added the representative. Off record she reported lost while the student studied in disease that a leading cause for high blood confessed that in the future Wood Co. the Math-Psychology Building. 100 in the Social Sciences building, the professor identified the bared rears in a pressure and heart problems. The key – cut- might challenge the students even more, ting down on food offered to the student encouraging them to become vegan. “Who Self-Theft lineup conducted the next day the stu- dents have been suspended and put on a community. knows, maybe one day, a few years from workout regiment. Everyone has heard about the fresh- now, we might teach them not to eat any A UMBC student reported that her man-15,” said a Wood Co. representative. food at all!” (This of course is a top secret, laptop computer was stolen March 19 Studying “Gaining weight seems to be a trend not meant to be shared with the public.) from her dorm room in Erickson Hall. throughout most students’ college career,” Students seem to be happy with the When Police searched the student’s room he added. “Now, at Wood Co. our goal is to new changes. “This new plan will help me they discovered the stolen item under her Two UMBC juniors were caught studying last Saturday; their books were make it so students loose 15 pounds per loose those final 10 pounds,” exclaimed a bed, she is currently being held without year rather than gain them.” A UMBC former anorexic, who is yet again unhappy bail and a trial is pending in the theft. confiscated and they were bussed to Bohager’s. Math major reported that this could lead up with her weight of 105 pounds, at height of to an astonishing 60 pound weight loss dur- 5”7’. A junior Computer Science major said Gum Spitting 1st Degree Assault ing the average four years spent at college. that for the past three years, he has spent so UMBC students commented that they much time in front of the computer work- Campus Police witnessed a UMBC can already “see changes in the menus.” The ing on endless programs that he did not student spitting his gum on the sidewalk Two UMBC Fraternity members were charged with first degree assault fol- Friday before spring break students noticed notice how he added extra 100 pounds to in front of the Chemistry Building that the only food place that was fully func- his weight. “The Wood Co. plan gives me Thursday March 18; the student was lowing an argument about whose frat had the most raging keggers, the boys were tioning in the Commons was the Grille, hope that I will once more be able to fit arrested and issued a $500 fine and a pack which usually offers wide variety of protein into my high school prom suit.” of Camel light cigarettes. sent to their rooms to think about what they had done. (resembling chicken) and veggies (in the While incoming freshmen can look for- form of French fries or curly fries, depend- ward to the 60 pound weight loss, the ing on the mood of the Grille’s manager). Administration might need to look into Healthy salads were offered at the Market either changing its criteria for admission Fresh, in addition to the usual selection of (weight based admission should be consid- LaRouche sweeps primary juices and some of the common fruits ered) or adding some graveyard space to the Campus LaRouchies disillusioned, confused (pathetically looking apples). The dining college. Let’s face it, while most college stu- hall, surprisingly, had more salads than any- dents are unhappy with their weight for one forecasting further sweeps in the upcoming elec- thing else, and “green” seemed to be the reason or another, most cannot even afford AMBER THE GREAT theme of the day. to loose 15 pounds without any physical or She’s Great tions, many of his followers have been left disil- lusioned and confused, particularly UMBC’s “The key to weight loss is reduction in psychological consequences. In a startling upset for John Kerry, who LaRouchies, who have changed their tune since was poised to win every democratic primary the news of LaRouche’s political victory. election after Super Tuesday, the voter tallies Peter Bogman, a college drop-out and reg- have just come in from the March 20th elec- ular standee attendant at UMBC, said, “Man, tion in Guam. The vote was swept by Lyndon we really thought LaRouche was the Man, in the LaRouche, bane of the Democratic Party and good way, you know? Like, you da Man! But hero of conspiracy theorists, who managed to now that he’s sold out to the political scheme, it pull in all 6 of Guam’s delegates. turns out he’s just the Man, in the bad sense.

Andre Mercier [Retriever Staff] The Peasants Rejoice: Finally a president we can all trust with the ultimate power of the world.

LaRouche’s victory came as a shock to Like he’s just tryin’ to keep us down.” everyone who actually knew Guam held elec- Sarah Miller, a long-time supporter of tions. With LaRouche’s criminal record, revoca- LaRouche (since at least 2 presidential attempts tion of voting registration, and blatant rejection ago), agreed. “We thought LaRouche was a real by the Democratic National Committee, he and candidate, but he’s no better than Rumsfeld, his followers have fought a long battle to get Ashcroft, Powell, or any other of those so-called LaRouche’s name on primary ballots. While ‘elected’ officials.” national support groups were collecting signa- One former LaRouche supporter who tures in the 50 states, LaRouche was apparently wished to remain anonymous provided a more garnering support overseas. thorough explanation of the disappointment LaRouche admitted in a recent interview and resentment among UMBC’s most hated with the New York Times, “It’s a lot easier to get activist group. “We all know that the American on a ballot in Guam than you’d think. I just put political machine—and the Guamese one too— a call in, and mailed some materials. I think it is run by a secret band of Washington insiders, was the Children of Satan pamphlet that really Jewish bankers, mafia hitmen, and freemasons. We just never thought that LaRouche would got Guam to realize the truth.” Neither John The Past Kerry nor Dennis Kucinich were aware of join their ranks for his own political purpos- Guam’s exact location, so LaRouche’s materials es—getting elected. It’s clear from his success Help Me, Wood: If only Wood had been around during the Renaissance maybe this were the only ones to reach the delegates. Since that he has fallen in with the establishment.” girl would not have had to suffer the alienation of being so utterly poorly dressed. Guam’s Territorial Convention is “made up of all When asked which establishment he was refer- interested voters,” only 15 showed up. ring to, the young man replied, “What is this, While LaRouche is reveling in his win, and an inquisition?” and storm THE DECEIVER Smarch 30, 2004 Genuine Advertisements 5

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Light Street Cycles, Federal Hill Jillians, Arundel Mills, Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament, Muvico Egyptian Theater, Lee’s Ice Cream 6 Genuine Advertisement Smarch 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER THE DECEIVER Smarch 30, 2004 Genuine Advertisement 7 w e at 8 W INSIDE ws his c Antony ar 11 10 09 08 here (because what’s real- (because what’s here esidential candidate. y Harrison. ted wine, or one who would with enthusiastically endorse here en be like there. It just needs It en be like there. enr e e like sounds. Anger sounds. t a pr ctavian even tryingctavian even this “I come chitect of that disaster? t ev ’ etender to the supreme imperium, etender to the supreme illiam H e raged long enough. Let M e see O W man. o, this country needs the calloused hands , , after minutes of careful consideration, , after minutes of careful o w eelect the ar y of e him, and it is only fitting that his nephe w?), shouldn y? N er e r , is a laughable no-talent cinaedus. our death and your bras with you, man. bras with you, our death and your esident who sips impor Harrison for President! e punctuation, but ar ou kno tin Van Buren has not led this nation through trying has not led this nation through Buren Van tin Pilus canis: pro Octavio Make love, man, not war Make love, man, not ctavian, but the pr y ve and peace! Peace and love. Hookers and drugs. Most Hookers and love. and peace! Peace ve ar other Earth and her children in Nam, man. And they’re man. And in Nam, other Earth her children and , t the heart of this election, though, is character. Do we Do t the heart of this election, though, is character. ennial decision to suppor ontier and poor toilers on American farms, while living e y about the war essiv Harrison lives off the fighting spirit that forged this great lives Harrison If there is one lesson to be taken from the recent astound- the recent is one lesson to be taken from there If Hey Mr. Man, with your guns and your killings and your guns and your with your Man, Mr. Hey out These fascists need to get man, this war. this war, It’s just needs to man. I think. Everyone killers, baby You’re but not The war that is here it is time to make the fast approaching, November With than state of Rome for the mighty did more Julius Gaius The civil wars hav Lo M A Deceiver Weekly Deceiver c Antony er , O e made our choice, and her h ar row flowers. Replace every gun with like a daisy, man. Those man. every Replace gun with like a daisy, flowers. row an Buren, who has brought to this land unprecedented eco- land unprecedented to this who has brought an Buren, rying. Tears of sadness. Because they’re sad. Sad, crying, sad. Sad, tear- they’re of sadness. Because Tears rying. ion, and restricting undergarments. It’s bad, man. Mellow out. bad, man. Mellow undergarments. It’s ion, and restricting y land. He could not be defeated at Tippecanoe, and he won’t be and he won’t Tippecanoe, could not be defeated at land. He (and remember we’ll This November, Washington. defeated by too! Tyler, and Tippecanoe so should you), ing victory it is that he is the Caesar at Actium, of Octavian Julius. only choice to succeed the late, lamented Gaius he may not be, but he is a clearly formidable strate- Hercules to his clear loyal legions now Julius’s Gaius only are gist. Not heir clause and yield to Octavian up his hopeless, pretender give a drink. imperator maximus. And let me have Caesar, regular bathing. Stop. Hey. What’s that sound? It’s the sound of that sound? It’s What’s Hey. Stop. bathing. regular like M c ful sad people, man. and stop tryingVietnam to run coun- of the world, man. Our try is like a capitalistic corrupted factory of like hate, destruc- t and drawers. and death sticks weapons your Drop Mellow. G and the govern- The Man of soldiers, those tools and whores love. and free them sunflowers ment, man, give of music and trees, wave rainbow take a ride on the solid groove spelled backwards, is just “raw” War and trees. man. Music like two words, mind! It’s messing with your like it’s man. It’s mix up the letters, if you both like bad. And man, and they’re words really something, which aren’t or or “arw” like “wra” it’s rules language with your and grammar and “English” in your oppr Angr quadr the M any consul befor see Octavian we Do of power. him to take the reins follow see we with a scortillum Do cavorting around Aegyptum? platter on getting his clunes handed to him on a silver Octavian land and at sea? D certainly do We business? not to bury him” to praise Caesar, not! l to like go, man. Go, like, away. like, away. to like go, man. Go, war, out of here, Get not the war. of that stuff is all good. But and take y gladly join any one of us for a keg of hard cider? Do we want we cider? Do gladly join any one of us for a keg of hard a leader who lounges on silken cushions, or one who plo Whiskers Sandy want Sweet we plot and builds his cabin? Do V Americans living on especially to those brave nomic hardship, the fr himself in luxur and tested brav hav States! of the United for President Henry Harrison William need- but has conjured Washington, General times, as the great his none existed, much like pred- less economic suffering where Why, the financial crisis of 1836? want to repeat we Do ecessor. then, should w want a pr Who need attractiveness anyway Who need attractiveness omplaints from student a pathetic C Baron down lays the smack von Bismark 15 s e glad the Bukowskis ain’t talking bout yo momma ain’t talking bout yo e glad the Bukowskis B see LETTERS, page eekly This is the April fool’ edition of the Retriever W ack ield udley enson uBrow w w Chaney Alex M Anita F e aul S evin D Rick Carback P oseph Howley oblems on him all the time. How do you think that you do oblems on him all the time. How J K Kaidye Hansen Kaidye randon D Micheal Caputi Micheal Andr B Christopher Corbett The Man can’t ever seem to get ahead in the world with society always ever can’t The Man . Editor trw.umbc.edu ...... r r r r e e e r e r March 30, 2004 g g o o g g a a t t to the a a i i ...... The Postman n n n n r r d d ...... Mary Kate Bukowski a a a a wspaper! o o r r E E ...... Dr. Patty Perillo Patty ...... Dr...... Brandon Gilbertson Gilbertson ...... Brandon t t t t o o M M i i ...... Sword Master ...... Sword ...... M r M r y y ...... Dimitri

...... t t ...... Fu Wong ...... Fu p p ...... Adam Driscoll ...... Adam ......

d d ...... i i e e y h y h ...... Lakin Jones UMBC’s Student Newspaper Student UMBC’s t t t t t t t t r r e e r r n n E d E d r r r r s s p p g g

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g n n g g l l ...... Amy Segreti r r t o t o g g g g t t t t t t t t d e d e n n o a o a t a t a o o g g a a a a a a r r e this ne . The Man’s just trying difficult for like everybody to get along just it must be really else. Plus, The Man’s ...... Elliot Gerlach ...... Elliot s s i s s s s i s s ...... r r ...... eams are all a-crushed by his foot of oppression and a-squished by his toes of despair and nail and a-squished by all a-crushed foot of oppression his by eams are l l n o n o A i i i i A i i i i n n n n r r C C o o v n n n n u i u i r r r r d d o o ...... Amber Sampson ...... Brett Ashley McKenzie ...... Brett

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g t g t e e ...... s r s r r r v v o o M M M i M i d d i i g g i i ...... Aaron Stahl ...... Aaron i p i p i h i h ...... Patrick Bladen ...... Patrick M M A A M A A A A M A A y y e e e e a a

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o o o o o i i i E i E A A t t i a i a i i o i i i i i o i i i o o What is everybody’s problem? “Damn The Man?!” Oh, go damn your face. You don’t even know The know even don’t You face. go damn your Oh, The Man?!” “Damn problem? What is everybody’s S Damn YOU, Losers! YOU, Damn S (I caught a glimpse of it using it for it sort of but not really anyways, the one time when I did read But I think people should just lay off Sincerely, Angry Student Opinionated Random Liberal Arts Major P s s Check us out online: d d s

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r r l n l n hat I usually use it for, even though it does chafe like a biotch), it made me mad how peoples is always com- peoples is always though it does chafe like a biotch), it made me mad how even hat I usually use it for, o o u u u u u u u u u u u u t t i u i i u i m m a a s s s s s s s s s s s s ou selfish butts. Think about that. ou selfish butts. t t u u o o y y t t n n r r e e i i i i i i i i i i u h t u h t

o o d d d d d i d d d d d i n n b i b i Man, man. Get off his back, you jerks! Why can’t people just leave The Man alone? Why are you so dumb, you Why are alone? The Man people just leave Why can’t jerks! off his back, you man. Get Man, him just trying Give to do his job. The Man’s trying not down; to get you The Man’s dumb-o dummy? you A. Break. Him. Give. a break. plaining about stuff. ‘Specially “The Man.” That’s right, The Man. Like “Oooooh look at me! The Man’s stop- Man’s The look at me! Like “Oooooh The Man. right, That’s “The Man.” ‘Specially plaining about stuff. Always … doing The Man. for be all successful-ish if it weren’t mobility and junks! I’d upward ping me from other stuff …” … doing stuff … and stopping me from Looooooosahssss!!!!!! And newsprint my hands all smear-y. makes w just He’s That was just uncalled for. hurts. Especially that fungus part.That really That hurts, man. fungus? at least, like a turtle. has kids or something. Or probably a guy! He bringing him down all the time. I mean, how would you feel if you were The Man? Yeah. Think about that, Think about Yeah. The Man? were feel if you would you all the time. I mean, how bringing him down y him with all these random-ass people blaming all their pr him with all these random-ass people blaming happiness? in the way of your standing That he’s future? inhibiting your he’s The Man makes him feel, telling That y n n s s c c p w i p w i m l v m l v o o s s s s o s s s s s o s t t c c a c c a y y o o o o o o o o o o r l r l e e a

a Whining u u i o i e p i o i e p d s s s s s d d s s s s s d r r r r h r r r r r h r p p nclude the author’s name and telephone number. Letters to the Editor cannot exceed 400 words. Letters to number. nclude the author’s name and telephone d d l l a e e a e e a

a Letters Letters to the editor can be sent to [email protected] or deliveredUC 214, c/o Letters to to Letters must be received or written legibly and by 12 p.m. on Thursday and must be typed the Editor. i THE DECEIVER l l F A L A W C A C I T P P P P P A P F A S B N O A E M A F A L A W C A C I T P P P P P A P F A S B N O A E M A THE DECEIVER

THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 9 Whining Point Counterpoint Your mom No, Your Mom

MARY KATE BUKOWSKI has an autographed version of the Bible. Sooo IAN BUKOWSKI and came out with an application. Your mom old! And dumb! And gross and hairy! is so short, she hang glides with Doritos. Oh, I’m sorry, were you talking? ‘Cause And, let’s face it: yo’ mama’s a fatty. A big I am so sick of you and your big, dumb Sometimes Ranch, sometimes Nacho alls I heard was your stupid mom saying stu- fat fatty. In fact, your mom is so fat, she sat on mom. I hate her ass. Your mom is so dumb, Cheesier — she’s not picky, except for picking pid things with her stupid mouth, stupid. Ye- a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. out the wedges. Ooooh! Double joked! Didn’t ah. Reeeeeal stupid. In fact, your mom’s so Gameboy. Your mom is so fat, she’s once, Your mom is so poor, her face is on the front see that one coming! stupid, she thinks MCI is a rapper. twice, three times a lady. Your mom is so fat, of a foodstamp. Pooooooor. Your mom is so Your mom is like a Happy Meal: small, (Transition’d!!!) she deep fries her toothpaste. Your mom is so big, she walked past the TV and I missed three cheap, and greasy. Your mom is so poor, she Your mom has so much hair under her fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make shows. can’t get rid of the roaches in your house arms it looks like she has Don King in a head two trips! Your mom is so fat, her nickname is Your mom is so nasty, she went to the because they pay half the rent. Your mom lock. Your mom is so fat, her blood type is “DAMN!” And, your mom is so, so very fat, beach and brought crabs with her. Ewww. stinks so much that when she put on Right “Ragu.” Your mom’s so stupid, she thought when she dances, the band skips. Your mom is so fat, when she falls out of Guard, it went left. And finally, your mom is Malcom X was Malcom the tenth. Or fifth. Oooooh! Blamo! Mess with me and my bed, she falls on both sides. so poor, she has to hang toilet paper out to Roman numerals are kind of hard. mom, will you?! That’s what you get. The gap in your mom’s teeth is so big, I dry. Your mom is so poor, when I saw her Biotch. don’t know whether to smile or kick a field So there. Your mom. She sucks. Big time. kicking a can down the street, I asked her goal. It’s friggin’ huge! Your mom is so cheap, what she was doing, and she said, “Moving.” Mary Kate Bukowski is the hottest she got a job at the dollar store for the Ian Bukowski is a staff writer for the Your mom’s breath is so foul, she needs to Assistant Opinion Editor this side of the employee discount. Your mom is so old, she Deceiver Weekly, ho. He hates your mom and use Glade as a breath freshener. Deceiver Weekly. She likes her mom and is the farts dust. Real old dusty dust. only likes his womens how he likes his puppies: Your mom is so fat, they had to let out favorite child. Take THAT, Ian! Loser. Moms are Your mom is so stupid, she tried to hairy, dirty, and kicked. But he does love his the shower curtain. And the muumuu. Your dumb. ‘Cept mine. She’s the best. And you can change the channel on a TV dinner. Your mom! And you can’t reach him for comment. mom is so old, she owes Jesus a quarter, and reach THIS for comment, sucka!!! mom’s so ugly, she went into a haunted house Because he hates you, too. Jerk. Shut up.

Quotes from the Quad photos by Daniela Zangara Who is your daddy?

Miss Jackson 18, Music “My name ain’t baby, it’s Janet, Oliver, 10 Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.” Thievery “I don’t know.”

Jackie Black, 15 Theatre “Jack Black.”

Will Chamberlain, 18 Physical education. “Wilt Chamberlain.”

The Big BFP, 53 Womanization “I can be your daddy.” 10 Whining March 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER What about us ugly students?

UNA TRACTIVE Hrabowski went through with this absurd known as pheromones. How are we supposed school next year. But how do they know what directive. I think I speak for the entire to find that perfect mate by smelling like arti- true beauty is, and how do they know that UMBC student community when I say we ficial flowers? most of us current UMBC students don’t pos- are shocked. My point is, I don’t know what sess it? Sure, we are not the finest looking peo- Hrabowski is trying to do. He says he wants Yes, it is true that the class as a whole ple, some of us might want to lose those extra to make UMBC more diverse, but I think looks fairly unattractive, but there are many 150 pounds or get those braces they’ve been being fourth in the nation is pretty good. different levels of ugliness among the students putting off, but no one ever said that a mole Certainly, some of those people coming to us and I think this is part of our diversity. All gor- with hair coming out of it doesn’t manage to from Germany, India, China, France, Brazil, geous people look somewhat alike, everything give every face that extra little touch. And and elsewhere are not exactly lookers, but is perfect. But when you have a real ugly mug, contact lenses are so out of fashion, sporting hey, at least they are smart. Starting next fall, you have something that makes you unique— a nice thick pair of broken glasses is way we will have to share the classrooms with and that is what we need more of here at trendier. Barbie and Ken look-alikes. However, I am UMBC. Here at UMBC we use our priorities for convinced that no one will even pay attention The graduating seniors this year truly other things, like studying. Who has the time to them; I think those uber-beauties you occa- should be happy. They do not have to live and money to wash their hair every day? sionally see walking across campus are enough. through the next few years infested with beau- Besides, everyone knows that the scalp pro- Nobody likes them anyway and I am sure the tiful stupid people. I think the new regulation Please let me in: Uglier students are assured duces enough grease to finally hold up the only friends they have are bought. Sometimes will take everything away from us that we rejection at UMBC. hair style you always wanted, after only five I do feel bad for them though, it must be pret- stand for. days of not washing it. ty rough for the beautiful people, to be the Here it is, the new regulation concerning We should use the natural resources that outsiders that no one really cares for. Una Tractive is a staff writer for the the admission of new students according to our body has given us. Taking showers only Apparently, a jury consisting of 10 experts Deceiver Weekly. All ugly students can reach her their looks. I cannot believe that president destroys the natural body odor, otherwise decides who is pretty enough to make it to the for comment at [email protected].

Caption Goes Here Call Me Captain, Ron “that guys is pooping a baby.”

Submitted by: Rick Jackson

Send your caption ideas for this photo to [email protected] or [email protected] by this Friday.

The most creative caption will run in next week’s paper. Be sure to include your name and year with your caption suggestion.

got a smoke Welcome to Humanity THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 Whining 11 Baron von Grafspee’s Guide to Being the Cool

BARON VON GRAFSPEE The correct answer is “Sassafras Orange- XTREME. Geronimo I AM KILLING YOUR MOM!/ boy! You are thinking of the get-away, but my Mostly tenth, you should be starting the Only to be playing again my XTREME Other day I was thinking to self, and I laser is more quicker than feet! Zap Zap band. Most of those people who are the coolest and cool friendly types. Now that you have said “Self, it is seeming that students at the Boom!” By using words shaped like this, I have are also those who are making the music, and been read the guide, you too can be cool, pro- UMBC is always doing the study. Is it that given my new cool friend a new cool name, you can be using this to be the cool too! You vided you remember who was inventing the they are all the famous worms that live in and shown to him that I think like a Secret may be saying to the paper as you read this, cool! books, or is another thing the reason?” As I sat Agent. Everyone is knowing that James Bond “But Super Cool Baron Von Grafspee, I am Baron von Graffspee is being a Prussian around being in my own head, I remembered is cooler than the average of a many bears, so not the one with the talent for the music, how Baron. He is enjoying walks on the beach and the famous American Steve Urkel from famous being a secret agent will be giving you the can I build a band?” It is simply! Just be saying militarism. If you are wanting to throw your gen- American show “The Family that Matters.” edge. I may also possess laser guns, and that is you are having the band, but you cannot be itals at him, email him at The Urkel was going to the read and feeding the question for more discussion! Ending, I asked to perform because you are so emo and [email protected] knowledge to his brain, just like the UMBCs. have made sounds that are not words, but your music makes you do the cry. Just be say- I was thinking, it is like a picture man was should be, and that smells of the fun. ing you are like a combination of the Beatles, making a picture of the student from UMBC, Other ways to create fun talk is to have Dave Matthews and the Kanye West so and the picture was very close resemblance. phrases that catch. In example, I am saying nobody will be the knowing of what your Then I was realizing what was being the many times “Jean Claude Van Damm I am the music is being. Techniques that are good for problem! Students of the UMBC were not good!” That way people know I am the violent faking the music is saying that “Band Name having the parties or being the cool! Lucky is and good. is so neo-post-revisionist!” or other shining on them however, since the expert on First again, be the one who is a snazzy terms that are being random. coolitude is located very near to me! He is in dresser. No greater pleasure exists than the To further the ruse of a band it is fact the me! Your fears can get to the going compliment words, “Ohh big cool guy, your good to be making lyrics and fake band now, since I have done the compiling of this, sexy dressing style makes me want to throw my names. That way you can say words about the “Baron von Grafspee’s Guide to Being the respective genitals in the direction you are in.” progress that is in fact unfactual! These Cool.” To accomplish a dress style that achieves cool- fake constructs should be in the vague The thing that is first being first, it is the ness, you must first be remembering what is so they can be mistaken for the deep importance of words that are coming mainly the cool. Violence and loud are usually in the and possibly the being of intellectual. from your mouth. You cannot be the cool if cool, so look for garments that allow for high In example, I am being in the band you are not speaking the cool! You might be volume and maybe have knives in them. “Blue Harp Gord.” I am writing the saying the things like this “Hello there sir or Taking for example my Prussian war helmet. It lyrics that follow to confuse the lady madam, how is the day that is yours?” This is is big and metal with a spike that is large and ladies! okay, IF YOU ARE THE GRANDFATHER! helps me kill things like YOUR MOM! Only My world is being black,/ I am wanting Your answer is no, boy who wants to test and to be kidding. I am not really your mom’s a knapsack,/ To be holding love,/For some- be cool! killer, but I have to be living the life blind and thing I love/, Or was being am loved Why the hell doesn’t anyone read my online journal? SEB PRESENTS:

JOSEPH GROWLES about the new Linux kernel, based on exten- sive research on Slashdot. And the next day I I’ve had a really awful week, what with described the dream I keep having about the that C on my Chemistry exam and the girl in furry carrots and the bats. Not a single com- my computer class totally turning me down ment on either post! once I finally got up the guts to ask her out. What really pissed me off was when I But then, you’d know that if you read my bared my soul in a post explaining how I was- online journal, which you obviously don’t, n’t coming home for spring break, and my because nobody does. friends all called me up to whine and com- I don’t understand why my hit counter is plain they didn’t know I wasn’t coming home. so low every day. I know my life is exciting, You’d think I hadn’t told them about it. Tell and I write at great length about it, but I bare- them? I told the whole internet! It’s not my ly get three page views a day! Even when I fault they don’t read my online journal. post photos of my friends and I playing I estimate that I spend at least half an Dungeons and Dragons, I barely get any more hour total every day checking on the proper hits. spelling and full titles of the music I listen to, Why, just last week I wrote ten poorly just so that my apparently nonexistent reader- formatted, non-spell-checked paragraphs ship knows exactly what music is playing when I write every post. Mood icons? I made my own mood icons in Microsoft Paint, thank you very much. And let’s not go into the hours I’ve spent laboring over my design. I mean, let’s face it, using one of the pre- designed templates is so 2001. Not only did I design my own, I even borrowed some friends’ computers to make sure it works in everything from Netscape 3- series for Mac OS 9 to the latest Mozilla nightly. Not that it matters, because nobody reads my online journal any- way. I’m not writing all this crap for my health, you know. If you want to keep up to date with my life, you know what to do. Don’t come crying to me when you find yourself wondering how I Cory Feldmen, comming to the spent my weekend or how much I want a girlfriend. I’m doing a public service by UMBC Ballroom chronicling my life online, and I expect you to take advantage of it! Tickets available April 2 at the What? You don’t even know the address? Commons Information Desk

Joseph Growles, who might as well be called Whats-his-face, is a staff writer Tickets $5 for the Deceiver Weekly. You can reach him by leaving COMMENTS ON HIS PAGE, THANK YOU! 12 Super Fun Cut-Out Page March 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER ¡

KURT RUSSELL

an AMERICAN Dream

Kurt Russell will be comming to UMBC’s Ballroom on April 1 to promote his Summer Blockbuster Action Flick, Escape From Hell, Road to Oblivion. THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 Genuine Advertisement 13 14 Genuine Advertisement March 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 Whining 15

Letters to the Editor

from LETTERS, page 8 Where is the Editor?

Brett Ashley McKenzie, this is your mother. I can’t believe it’s come to this, but I’ve been forced to submit myself to that reckless and radical newspaper of yours just to get ahold of you. Would it be so difficult to return my calls? I’ve left messages on your dorm line, your cell phone, your work number, and you still don’t respond. I’ve even called your friends. They pretended like they didn’t know you. Are you too cool for your own moth- er now? You think you’re all big and bad with your college classes and your newspaper. Let me tell you one thing honey. I brought you into this word, and I can take you out of it. How’s that for big and bad? Are you too busy to return a simple email? To respond to my countless IMs? Too busy for the woman who bore you, who carried you for nine endless months? Too busy for the woman who listened for hours to your stupid piano lessons? Who took time to watch your awful dance recitals? To watch you fumble across a field with a bunch of t- ball brats? Too busy? I’ll give ya’ busy! Is it so wrong for a mother to keep up on her daughter’s life? To call and write and IM? To ask her friends what she’s up to? To check up on her criminal record now and again? To hire a private investigator? Is it so terrible to care that much? I hope you’re blessed with a daughter like you, who treats her own mother like a criminal and doesn’t call back. I’m willing to forgive you Brett if you plead for mercy. Call me anytime. Just don’t give me any lip. And get a haircut. The pictures I’m getting are less than flattering.

Mrs. McKenzie

WWomaomanslayer nslVI ay e r

THIS SUMMER... Love has Boundries 16 Features March 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER Editor-in-Chief e i z Meet The Deceiver Weekly n e

k No wonder none of it makes sense. c M

t Managing Editor Business Manager Billing Manager t e l r l h i B o c t c a Brett is secretly in love with Thomas e s l r

Jefferson. Her entire military history career i r r

at UMBC is a farce, it is simply so she can g gain the credentials to go behind that vel- e e vet rope by Jefferson’s bed and lay quietly D G on his bed for the rest of time. S t m y o a i l m d l A A E I saw a locksmith truck the other day Adam is actually a troll. Watch his Elliot likes to eat HoHos. He would that advertised, “Free if child locked tongue, his words are gruff, but convinc- eat them in a box. He would eat them with inside!” I promptly plucked a townschild ing. He likes to lurk uner what is left of old a fox. He would eat them in a car. He for my very own and have stored him safe- bridges on campus and accost various would eat them in a bar. He would eat ly away in my car, just in case. They do not passersby, especially young billy goats. He them with a guy named Pat. He would eat have this policy with animals, however, it actually makes up almost 1/3 of the them with a cat. Then he’d eat the cat, too. does not matter, as I hate animals. That’s Deceiver’s yearly budget by stealing stu- right. You heard me. I hate animals. My dents’ milk money. mother writes letters-to-the-editor calling Brandon Dudley a “smut peddler.” She is wrong. He is a butt pirate. Tech Manager News Editor Asst. News Editor News Production Asst. o t k r y c o e l e a l y m b T r e w a k o k a C c H i T r k e t c c i i a o J R N P Rick has shown talent at everything Jizzoe Hizzowley is ghetto-fabalous. Most people don’t know this about Left for dead at birth, Nic has sur- he’s ever attempted. Like there was this one So step off. When he’s not robbin’ candy Patrick but he is in fact the last living T- vived by the grace of Radiohead. By trade time that he played a board game…and stores or pushin’ old ladies down the stairs, Rex. It’s kinda hard being a T-Rex nowa- he is a facial hair consultant, but due to lost. Well, that was only once. He played he’s into freestylin’ with his homeboys. days. If you’d like to avoid being mauled lack of demand for such a job, he has been soccer one time…and, um, lost that, too. He’s also gots mad skizzills. You can catch here are the simple rules: make fun of my forced to work for the Deceiver Weekly. But there was this one time…actually, no, his latest work of art on the I-95 overpass. stubby arms and I’ll maul you, wear laven- Now a virile 20-year old, his only dream there wasn’t. We suppose he’s not very der and I’ll maul you, go to the mall and involves Russell Crowe, a sled, and scented good at many things. Come to think of it, I’ll maul you. oils, angelina. he doesn’t contribute much to this news- paper, either, but is kept around because of his emotional instability. Asst. Tech Manager Sports Editor Asst. Sports Editor Sports Production Asst. r y e e n l n n l o a o s e h s n l u C i e M w w W l S e r a l e r d u o y n a K A P N Don’t even look at Paul wrong. He is Chaney doesn’t actually work here. Kyra Nannette Wilson, Assistant Noel is the world’s premier pole dancer, HARD. He rides one of those bikes on He says he’s from Nebraska. The rest of the Sports Editor, does not want to be after witnessing a violent crime involving campus, the ones called CHOPPERS. And Deceiver staff is not sure how he got here, here. She was roped into this position pinking shears and 3 teapots in the blue he has TATTOOS. That’s right. Quiver. but they’re taking up a collection to get after writing a somewhat witty article flamingo club where he was dancing, he Paul rocks the house, and he will rock you him a bus ticket. If you’d like to con- about Joe Gibbs. Retriever is sucking joined the witness protection program and if you don’t back up off here, and not in a tribute, money can be left at the front desk away her soul. She spends most of her was placed in Arbutus, where it is widely way you would enjoy. TDW busts its ass of UC214. day running away from fundamental- assumed no one actually lives. Noel then came every week, and 3 ain’t gonna let no one ist Christians, and dreaming about to the Deceiver in hopes of running racy pho- step on its toes. the very sexy Joe Howley (News tographs, but was turned instead onto the soul Editor). sucking career of graphic design. THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 Features 17

Faculty AdvisorC h r i ver Weekly Staff s C

of it makes sense. o r b e L A t Production ManagerE Photography Editor Asst. Photography Editor t a v n k a i t i n n a

W Christopher Corbett, advisor to The F J Retriever Weekly since 1994, is a former i o editor and reporter with The Associated i e e

n Press. Corbett has also been a regular con- l g d tributor to The New York Times, The e

a Washington Post and The Los Angeles s Times. He has published two books, n Vacationland and Orphans Preferred. He d I hate Macs. was the James Thurber Journalist-In- But I am not really missing a Residence at Ohio State University prior to tooth. coming to UMBC. Green is the best color for jell-o. It really Lakin almost held a very important Anita has recently come down with a is, don’t you think? I mean, its all sqiggly and world record: fluency in more languages bad case of amnesia, but she’d like her life gushy, like slime. Speaking of slime, watch than any other living person. The actual to go something like this: she was born on your back around Evan. I’m not talking slime record belongs to both Bill Clinton and a stormy day in November, but if it wasn’t like a lawyer. Slime like, would totally take George W. Bush, who both benefited from cloudy you’d be able to tell there was a full that cinnamon roll of yours while you were “bullshit” being counted a language. moon. She was supposed to be a princess, looking the other way, and lick it. Then he Unfortunately for Lakin, second place for but a wicked witch took away her would set it back down, just to watch you eat a world record looks like crap on a resume. birthright. That’s how she ended up living it. Evan wouldn’t even enjoy the frosting as in Arbutus and working at the liquor store. much as he enjoyed watching you eat your slobbery cinnamon roll. Slimy man, slimy. B D V Features EditorK Asst. Features Editor Features Production Asst. Ads Manager a r a o a s i u a n d n g d y t o h e M n i H A i D l b a l u e r n a d r s h l e e a y m n

Kaidye recently celebrated her 167th Kenny Rogers gave Doug a piggy Vas is better known as “coffee bitch.” Brandon is the resident Deceiver birthday, also known as the legal drinking back ride on New Year’s morn. He slapped She isn’t much use in the newspaper busi- Smut Peddler. He regularly contributes to age for spacefaring giraffe-esque alien him in the booty and yelled GIDDY UP! ness, but she can make a mean cup o’ joe. the delinquency of minors/livestock, has spies. An ill-intentioned gaseous Then he bucked him off and branded a She’s still getting paid, so she doesn’t mind. unprotected, premarital sex, which has left doppledanger has been placed in her stead heart on his behind and toe. It’s cool. Sometimes the job gets tough, like when him a virtual STD smorgasbord, consumes while she travels home to celebrate quite Joe Howley runs out of energy drinks. alcohol and drugs frequently, fornicates in belligerently in all 37 of her native time- church parking lots, watches the O.C. and zones on Jrenka 4 in the Rigel system. You commits various other sinful acts. He is a will now spontaneously combust for gain- Leo. ing this secret knowledge. Goodbye, stu- pid earthling.

Opinion Editor Asst. Opinion Editor A

M Opinion Production Asst. J A Webmaster a a m a m r r y b o K e e n a s r t e H S S B a a t u m m a k h i o p l l w t s o o s n k n i

Amber has not moved from this spot You like this?! This fine piece of A’ James pioneered the art of plastic Aaron was born in the lost city of since last semester. She will remain chained that is Mary Kate Bukowski? Yeah, you blowing here at UMBC. While not as hot, Atlantis. This, needless to say, is remark- to this tree in protest of Wood Company’s know you want it. Mmmm. Mary Kate hard or beautiful as glass blowing, the able. Archeologists think so, too. cruel treatment of vegetables, and other enjoys squishing stuff, burning other stuff, lumps of plastic are actually quite toxic Unfortunately, Aaron has not been able to forms of plant life. Do not be fooled by her and pushing old people. She’s been fired when you get them up to a high enough assist them in finding the city. Aaron did smile; it only masks her wrath. When her for her various substance abuse problems temperature, providing James with hours not heed his fortune cookie, “Beware play- display of solidarity with plant life is and too much sassin’ back. of half-witted entertainment. The only er pianos.” Since the accident, Aaron has through, she’d really like to shower. downside is the loss of feeling and gradual no recollection of the lost city’s location. loss of any movement whatsoever. Bloody hell. 1818 March 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER I N Foreign Futures20 S Headache Hallway21 I

Elongated Exposition22 D Interlocutions Pithy Puzzlers25 E Habitat unveils new model home

KYLE MAHANEY for work with an English degree Deceiver Weekly Staff Hobo in our current economic state. “I was turned down every- In response to crippling where. You’d think Borders would budget cutbacks by the university, hire me, but no, it’s full of comp- UMBC’s Habitat for Humanity sci people left over from the dot- has announced a more modest com bust,” moaned the down- model home project this year. trodden Hearn from his front The somewhat un-spacious porch as he ate his diploma with one-room ultra-mobile home some mayonnaise and grass clip- comes with 100% cotton carpet pings. and stylish corrugated plastic Hearn says he was offered mini-toilet in blue or red. several babysitting jobs, and some The sturdy cardboard struc- offers were forthcoming of a ture will survive almost any less…savory nature from certain weather conditions, except for faculty of the UMBC philosophy hail, severe winds, snowfall, rain, department (more on this in last not-so-severe winds, a tree falling week’s police blotter,) but they on it, or a light drizzle. just could not pay the bills. The first model was present- The good news for Hearn is ed to Jeff Hearn, a former mem- that by his example UMBC now ber of Habitat himself and now places every incoming English recently graduated with a degree major on the Habitat list the in English. Hearn qualified for the home after searching in vain see HABITAT, page 24

Courtesy of badastronomy.com A Photo of a Valley of Sand Dunes on Mars?: Nah, if it looks like one big motherfucking glass worm, then that’s what it is! Big fucking glass worm found on mars, the true garden of Eden

Skeptics denounce image as sand dunes; do they look like sand dunes to you?

GOOSY MCPIMPALOT word from NASA on this remark- whose origins could not be Deceiver Weekly Staff Writer able image, an article was pub- explained geologically. He cited lished online on the website of the symmetry of the ridges on the Photos sent back to Earth the “Enterprise Mission,” surface of the tubular object and from NASA’s Mars Global (www.enterprisemission.com) an its glassy, glossy appearance as Surveyor revealed what appears to organization comprised of inde- factors against it being a natural- be a gigantic glass worm, roughly pendent scientists and researchers ly-occurring phenomena. The sci- 50 meters across and almost a specializing in a variety of scien- entific community at large has mile long, located on the surface tific fields. Ron Nicks, a certified apparently been loathe to com- of the red planet at approximately geologist, analyzed NASA’s ment on Nicks’ article or the 40 degrees north latitude. images of the “worm” and con- Ian Ferguson [Deceiver Staff] While there is no official cluded that it was an object see WORM, page 24 Sturdy Cardstock: It stands up to a light breeze/ Exploding chalk mishap leaves student dazed, pinky-fingerless, “pretty stoked”

AL EINSTEINEINEINEIN Details are still fairly sketchy right before his eyes. He heard an knew, he was being awakened by a hours, declared the operation Deceiver Weekly Science Dude as to what actually happened that explosion and the next thing he campus police officer. It took unfeasible, because the mustard ill-fated evening, but witnesses Cheltonhoser at least three min- which had been slathered on a hot A freak chemical explosion report that they heard a loud utes to realize that he was miss- dog which Cheltonhoser was resulted in one UMBC student’s popping sound coming from ing his left pinky, which was holding in his left hand had losing his right pinky finger and, the general area as they walked soon found lying next to the infected the wound on his right, temporarily, his ability to attend down the main academic corri- glass doors in front of Lecture creating a disorder known as classes. dor toward the library. Hall II. French’s-Grey Poupon syndrome, The accident occurred at Cheltonhoser, the sole member Emergency medical techni- a mostly benign though unsightly 11:43 p.m. on February 30, when of the UMBC Competitive cians rushed to the scene and ailment. Charlie Cheltonhoser, a super- Eating Club, was in the midst carted him off to an ambulance. The unknown cause of the super senior Geography-Women’s of inscribing an announcement The 24 year-old was declared to strange blast prompted an investi- Studies-Mechanical Engineering of the Spring Semester CEC be in stable condition upon gation, conducted by the major, was writing a message on Invitational Tournament on the arrival. Taken to the busy emer- Chemistry Representatives for Courtesy of oolong.com the sidewalk between the concrete, when the chalk in his gency room, surgeons frantically Exploration and Examination of Chemistry and Biological right hand scraping across the Too Gory: Blood is bad, pancake bunny is tried to reattach Cheltonhoser’s Sciences buildings. ground created a blinding flash happy. pinky finger, but after 3.5 see CHALK, page 25 THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 19 Interlocutions Retriever ads manager involved There once was a in international livestock sex man from Nantucket scandal down under Court orders former TRW Editor in Chief Brandon Dudley to submit to a paternity test.

ALAMI CLOTHESOFF there tipping some cows, but they was in Deceiver Weekly Editorial Staff the wrong pasture for that, and theys pants was down!” Embry thought nothing of it Parking my car in the gravel driveway until the kids popped out with human of the Australian Outback farm, I hear a attributes. In fact, it was almost a full week strange bleating sound. My ears would have until he realized that the rambunctious lit- me believe that there are human kids run- tle kids resembled the strange late night ning and yelling in the front corral, not visitors and not the Embry line. After a few goat kids. My reason for being here looms calls and some time waiting for answers to suddenly in my mind once again, and sud- trickle down from the American embassy, denly I am not so skeptic. I quickly pull my Embry went after Dudley, where it hurts. steno pad and camera from the passenger The pocketbook that is. seat of the jeep and rush to greet the farmer Speaking to Dudley later that evening coming down his front walk to greet me. over the phone, I expressed my disbelief at Seeing the look on my face, he asks, “you his actions, and assured him the truth of thought we was lying, din’t ya, ya seppo??” the situation. He briefly recounted the The answer, of course, is no. Never in evening in question for me, “Went to a a million years could I have believed this farm to tip some cows, Forgot that I left my nonsense about a human-goat crossbreed, pants down, Bent over to pick them up, and not in a billion would I have expected Felt a twelve gauge up my hum-diddy- it from the shining star of UMBC’s Student dum!” Those actions are what has led to the Newspaper, Brandon Dudley. “Embry, Bruce Embry,” the farmer see THE SEX GOAT page 22 introduces himself, stick- ing his hand out and breaking my reverie of dis- belief. Quickly I take his hand and smile, introduc- ing myself and confirming that I am in fact, the reporter he was waiting for. We quickly make our way up to the teetering old barn, while Bruce explains his actions of the past few weeks to me. The Embry clan has been raising live- stock and crops, including goats, in the middle of nowhere, for close to 200 Kaidye Hansen [Deceiver Staff] years now. Never once in that long, lonely, history Head: It’s all has there been a successful crossbreeding. That is, until about five months ago. Farmer Embry was about he ear, and woken late one night by the troubled cries of his livestock, and grabbed his shotgun and raced to the you know it. fields to find Brandon and his anonymous friends Farmer Embry [Deceiver Staff] molesting his prize goats. Somebody got your goat?: “They said they was just Former editor-in-chief, Brandon Dudley, sure got his. 20 Interlocutions March 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER Whoroscopes The Writing’s on the wall: squirrel science, the by Turd Fergiesson art of being a pimp- UMBC gets new classes Weekly Staff Disclaimer: We finally found a REAL DR. DÜSEN VON PÖÖPERSCHMIDT to explore the rich subtextual meaning emulated. One things for sure, feather- Retriever Weekly Staff Writer found in such contemporary multicultural tipped purple hats and low-riding early-70s psychic...too bad it speaks in bathroom exchanges as “You all are nerds autos will soon be making an appearance tongues... When UMBC students check the class who couldn’t get into CP [College Park],” on campus. Fools, don’t be sippin’ dat hata- schedule to begin the registration process which met with the responses “Who pissed rade, ya heard? (March 21 - April 20) for next semester, there will be some big in his Cheerios?” and “CP is for choads,” For years, students who were without a Aries surprises in store for them. Rarely does a revealing a Freudian/Pavlovian passive deep scientific background, looking to ful- ¡Ahora no mire, pero los horoscopes change to university curriculum cause aggression between two out-groups. fill their science and lab GFRs, but not están en una diversa lengua! ¡Mi consejo a much of a stir, but this year there will like- Theology (“Who is this God person every- looking forward to the amount of intense usted es aprende otra lengua... rápida! ly be much to say about the additions and one is talking about?”) and political science technical work required by a BIOL 100 or alterations. (“Bush = Nazi KKK Fashist [sic] Pig”) are a CHEM 100, have been able to choose (April 21 - May 21) When you think of the English depart- also investigated. “Science 100, Water: An Interdisciplinary Taurus ment, you might picture long lectures on the Even traditional toilet folk poetry will be Study.” Now there’s change afoot. The Ne regardez pas maintenant, mais les startling beauty of Yeats’ poetry, heartfelt dis- scrutinized, as students will ponder the com- course is scheduled to be replaced by horoscopes sont dans une langue différente sertations on why William Shakespeare’s municative value of the limericks and rhymes “Science 100, Squirrels: An ! Mon conseil à vous est apprennent une greatest work was actually Timon of Athens, that make each visit to the pot, like the clas- Interdisciplinary Study,” which, you autre langue... rapide ! heated discussions concerning which of sic “Here I sit all broken hearted \ Tried to guessed it, will be all about UMBC’s fuzzy Alcott’s Little Women was the least unfemi- shit but only farted! \ Here I sit in a trance \ little buddies that scurry about the trees on Gemini (May 22 - June 21) nist, but the days that the instruction on Tried to fart, but shit my pants!” Students our campus. these stuffy old-media preponderances dom- shouldn’t stall in signing up for Professor Lab partners will have to locate a squir- ?? ?? ??, ??? ??? ?? ???? ???! ??? ?? ??? ??? ?? inates may be numbered. In other words, Sloan’s class; he told me that when not rel specimen, abduct it, and bring it back to ??? ????! exit Shakespeare, enter the shitter. enough people express interest “you’re in a lot the lab for analysis. There they will study the Introduction to Early 21st Century of trouble,” and you might get canned. behavior, biology, psychology, physiology, Cancer (June 22 - July 23) Bathroom Wall-writing: Towards a No such fate will likely be the case for philosophy, linguistics, theology, epistemolo- Não olhe agora, mas os horoscopes Metacontextual Attitudinal Paradigm of the newcomer to the Philosophy depart- gy, and ollyollyoxenfree of the squirrel, estão em uma língua diferente! Meu consel- Restroom Writing (ENGL 247), to be ment, Dr. Felix T. Sugadaddy, who in the before letting the cute creature back into the ho a você é aprende uma outra língua... ráp- taught in two sections by Prof. John fall will start his already-controversial new wild, with a stipend of 5.5 acorns an hour ida! “American Standard” Sloan (PhD, Dook class “Pimpology 101: Introduction to the (minimum squirrel wage these days). University) will put to rest the notion that Pimp Experience,” cross-listed as AFST Besides these three new classes, a few the only great literary works of the English 101. The class will be an in-depth look at other basic changes in store: the entire Leo (July 24 - Aug. 23) language exist in dusty old tomes. This how to be “a money-makin’ playa, mackin’ Economics department will be scrapped, to Non guardare adesso, ma gli oroscopi class will involve the reading and interpre- hoz and smackin’ broz like a mofo,” to be replaced with Home Economics. The sono in una lingua diversa! Il mio consiglio tation of the messages that have proliferat- quote the UMBC class catalog as seen study abroad program will be changing; a lei è impara un’altra lingua velocemente! ed, as a kind of underground societal text, through the spectra of race, gender, instead of traveling overseas, now students scribbled by pen and marker on the walls of inequality and ghetto fabulous booty will only examine a woman, that is, “study Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sep. 23) our most private, most misunderstood shakin’. a broad.” And there will be a special Phys medium. Such eminent artists and as Snoop Ed course for UMBC’s new major in Se ikke nå, men horoscopes er i et Giving new meaning to the word, Dogg, Isaac Hayes, and the cinematic mas- Coaching: PHED 203, “How Not to Get forskjellig språk! Min råd til som De er “analysis,” well, the first two syllables any- terpieces as “Shaft,” “Superfly” and Fired Before Taking Your Team to the lærer enda et språk fort! way, ENGL 247 promises to allow students “Scarface” will be studied and perhaps America East Tournament.”

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) ______, ______Marriage – The Endless Potential, Craig Styles ______! ______-______. ______, KING OF ROCK would have an ogre or any other ugly per- does. When it is all said and done, the man ______! Deceiver Weekly Staff Rocker son, hanging off of them, while trying to beats his wife over the head with his man eat them, and when the vowels are all said, club, and drags her back to his cave. Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) Recently, I was discussing with a friend the knight draws his sword and kills that Cowboys and Indians, a classic, a pillar of mine, concerning the plans for her wed- sumbitch. The crowd goes wild, the hero- of our nation’s history, is a perfect theme for ηωαι φϕασνφκ φοιεωκν...ϕεκ− ding. She was telling me ecstatically about ism is rewarded with a life time of marriage, any wedding. The men, naturally, would φαλσφϕαεσρϕτϕελοοωνκαφλσφϕλ! all the cheery little touches and the roman- and I say it was justly earned. dress as cowboys, toting six shooters and tically elegant extravagances that she had For the Paleolithic style wedding, saved spurs. The women would be dressed as, Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) planed. From the rose scented, pink only for those special couples who really well, basically Pocahontas being that she is announcements and itineraries, to the flow- want to ring their amalgamation properly, a total babe in that Disney flick when she’s &(#Qligaw&*(&R*^^ hfaiwhjdaf- ing gowns with prolific veils. The men were may I suggest the caveperson wedding (to rocking down that river in the canoe. The nad fjfasffwafkfdsafkjsfek. hfgkaefe all constrained in restrictive tuxedos gar- be politically correct). Its tasteful, appro- ceremony would go pretty much as usual, fnvzzz, eihtkwwea, be akjfajkfjfaf.º nished with flowers and hair-jell. This con- priate, and what every person dreams of the announcements and invitations would versation made me realize, in the most doing, but never has the nerve to. The be carved on deer pelts, the groom would Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) sacred of ceremonies of the union between a men, in loin cloths, women…..well I guess give the bride a blanket with small pox, and CLJLLI gotten, but completely dejected. To add to scandalous then simply clad as the party after wards would be a guaranteed D@ÌN

Spinning the Globe by Yours Truly

Disgruntled teachers get back at students on website

STEWART DENT Each review carries a general unpleas- nothing to class discussion, arguing with any hot-button topic and finds the pres- Deceiver Weekly Assignment Slave antness rating of 1 to 10, with 1 being grading on each assignment,” for his ence of any voice dissenting from the little “Mild Annoyance- Tolerable,” 5 being exploits in ECON 101. A number 10, asshat’s closed, twisted excuse for a mind to “I loathed every miserable moment of “Constant Grievance- Migraine-Inducing,” Travis Gilts, CMSC major, is “an unimag- be intolerable. our interactions.” “During those 15 ardu- and 10 being “Hitler and Pauly Shore’s inable nightmare, disrupting class without Also included, among many, are the ous weeks, he was the bane of my exis- Lovechild- Pure Evil Incarnate.” fail, engaging in near stalker-like behavior Cell Phone Phreak, the Archbishop of tence.” “She, more than any other factor in A sample 6, Matthew F. Killenbagger, outside of class, requiring threat of removal Argumentativeness, and the Dunce, the my life, led me to consider suicide as a is described as a “witless would-be smar- from the classroom at least five times over poor soul too thick to even get the “name” means of escaping the sheer agony of it all.” tass,constantly offering wisecracks but the semester- I lost count and just started and “date” sections right on a quiz. What do all of these quotations have praying for the end As yet, there has been one threat of a in common? They’re all found on the new of the school year lawsuit from a student claiming libel. But, destination for weary teachers, (and I’m an athe- given the fact that the allegation was on the AssholeStudentReviews.com, which fea- ist!)” site was of poor handwriting and spelling, tures the real-life complaints and confes- There is also a and that the charge was filed on illegible sions of beleaguered professors from across labeling system for crumpled-up paper and both the words the country. Modeled after such popular specific types of “plaintiff” and “defendant” were mis- websites as the currently out-of-commis- ingrate bastards: spelled, the judge dismissed the suit out- sion TeacherReviews.com and the still-run- there’s the Mr. or right. ning RateMyProfessor.com, ASR has been Ms. Knowitall who Further variations on the “- online for nearly seven months now and points out in each Reviews.com” theme have recently popped has been flooded with over 27,000 student class the fact that he up. AdministrationAssholesReview.com evaluations from over 380 American insti- or she has already just went live in early March and has tutions of higher learning. taken a more received hundreds of posts from angry Unlike its student-run counterparts, advanced class on teachers and staff who would like to tell the which are often used to find the best possi- the material at hand management where they can stick it. And ble professor for any particular course and and would like to watch out, Wood Company/Sodexho: there to pinpoint the ones to avoid, ASR features enlighten the rest of are plans for a DiningServicesReview.com, no positive reviews of students, and since the class, with infor- which will surely cook up controversy there is little recourse for the unlucky mation that at best when students are allowed to voice their instructor stuck with a genuine asshole for is irrelevant and opinions on the multitude of healthy, a pupil, the site serves as a creative bitch- usually is confusing affordable eating options available to us, fest, with the hopes that catharsis, com- and just flat-out offered, of course, by such a cheerful, bined with a few helpful hints as to how to wrong. Then there’s enthusiastic staff. deal with their spoiled little ignorami, can the Political Stewart Dent can be reached at reduce the stress level for any that might Axegrinder, who sdent1@[email protected], and was not in never get aired, except in a few mumbled accuses professors or any way affected, influenced, or biased by peers of bias at the the $1,000 “gift” he received from Wood words over linguine in the Skylight Cutline [Retriever Staff] Lounge. mere mention of Co. the other day. 22 Interlocutions March 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER

Bored & Broke in Baltimore Brandon Dudley l c i o

Farmer Embry [Deceiver Staff] Somebody got your goat?: Former editor-in-chief, Brandon Dudley, sure got his! Slip on a banana peel, fall l

into a goat. Watch your fruit. b l Super Sperm Jumps Species Boundaries

from THE SEX GOAT, page 19 hands I did! Took me near three years to Australian Supreme court subpoenaing finish it did! But do they call me McEwen Brandon to undergo a paternity test to ver- the Wall Builder? Oh NO!” and then, fin- ify the obvious parentage, and then pend- ishing his outburst, the old man begins ing on the results of he test, pay child sup- muttering and slowly ambles away. port for each of the kids until they reach Befuddled, the American gent finishes his a age 18, or to return to the Embry farm and lager and heads home for the night, glanc- do right by Talia, the goat in question. ing at the wall as he leaves the pub.

A young man was on vacation in A few nights later the young man is m Scotland and decided one night while in again without any entertainment for the the countryside to visit the local pub. Upon evening, and heads down to the pub for a entering he searched for an open seat, and drink. Upon his entrance to the pub, he only one was to be found, in the corner spots the only open seat and realizes it is near an old beaten looking man. Not yet again, next to the old man, which he thinking anything of it, the young now notices if being avoided by all the rest American ordered a tankard and sat down of the clientele rather determinedly. Being h across form the old man. The young man interested only in a quick drink before bed, tries to engage the geezer in conversation, he goes again to sit down next to the geezer. y but gets only indirect mumbles of replies. Time goes by and the man suddenly calls to Slightly miffed, he begins to drink his ale, the boy, “That bridge there boy! The one when suddenly the old man starts yelling, cross’d the crick right down there. Ye see it causing the American chap to spill a good ya do?” and waits for an affirmative before deal of his drink upon himself. continuing, “built that damn bridge with “That wall me’boy! That wall just over mah own two hands ah did! Damn near there! Ye see it?” and the geezer pauses, took me five years it did! But do they call s waiting for a response. As soon as the me McEwen the bridge builder? Oh NO!” p American begins to stammer out an answer, With that the old man quiets down to fin- the old man cuts him off again, and goes ish his meal and drink. A bit put off, the on. “ Built that wall with my own two young man quickly finishes his drink and hurries home. A week later, as he waits for his lorry to show up to take Genuine Advertisement him to the airport, the American chap decides to give the pub one more try, and Women Earn enters to find plenty of chairs $3,000-$5,000 empty. He settles himself down to a delicious smelling lunch of Be an Egg Donor potatoes au gratin when sud- denly he hears the gravelly For an Infertile Couple voice behind him exclaim, “ Yeh see that windmill meh •Healthy — Mature — Non-smokers boy? See it you do? Over beside • Age 20-29 — Average Weight that wall?” The young man •2 week Part-Time Commitment simply nods his head and con- •Confidentiality at All Times tinues to eat. The old man then comes over to sit next to him and goes on, “Built that god- forsaken windmill with my own bare hands! Took me seven years it did! Seven years! I had to dig the stone and carry it here and build it all myself. 410-296-5126 Towson, Seven years! But do they call me McEwen the Windmill Maryland Caught with his pants down: Brandon tries stalwartly to Builder? Oh NO! But Fuck just www.familybuild.com defend his favorite position. one lousy goat…” THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 Genuine Advertisements 23

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RecSports 201: Intermediate Fun Confessions of a Cookboy

This Week: Indoor Soccer To Be Replaced by Human Foosball UMBC Fights World Hunger: Free Food in the commons 28th-2nd Mr.Whistlehead With an increasingly growing student she said it was an incredible coincidence. body UMBC has began to crack down on CHESAP encourages students to take public health, sanitation and student well advantage of this one week period and to Due to the overwhelming number of neath several layers of their skin. We will being. According to A. Pran Keester “have their fill”. Feeding week consists of serious injuries and physical altercations then detach their arms and place them in a President of the UMBC department of five days, March 29th – April 2nd, each with that have transpired in our indoor soccer freezer. Upon completion of the team’s Critical Health, Efficiency and Safety two feeding periods: 1 - 3 p.m. and 6 – 8 tournament the past few years, the Office final game, the arms may then be replaced Analysis Protocol (CHESAP), “UMBC feels pm. Students are simply asked to bring of Rec Sports has decided to replace indoor onto their original bodies. PLEASE obligated to ensure that students are well paper plates and lots of napkins (the com- soccer with a live, human version of the remember to label your arms upon detach- nourished and taken care of. We believe that mons will not be providing these, in order to popular bar game of Foosball. According ment, as the freezing process may have ill providing students with a week of free food help make up for their lost food cost). to sources within the Rec Sports depart- affects on certain scars or other unique arm from the commons outlets will let students Keester feels confident that this event ment, the vote on whether or not to keep qualities. know just how serious we are about this.” will be a colossal success and plans to see an indoor soccer as an intramural sport was Before each game, each player will be Keester went on to discuss how much enormous turnout. split and this was their compromise. inserted onto one of eight 7” wide poles of a success it was for CHESAP to finally “What college student won’t go for free “Originally, the decision was to which will extend all the way across the receive the funds necessary from the budget food” she exclaimed. “My hopes are that stu- deflate all the balls, scrap the tournament RAC from wall to wall. Each team will des- committee in order to conduct Feeding dents recognize that we are trying to take mid-season and outlaw soccer as a sport, ignate two players to be the “spinners.” week. Keester says that this has been on the care of them in every way possible. This slapping anyone caught kicking a ball with These players will operate the poles, push- table for over two years, and now that it’s event will really help drive that point home.” a $20 fine. But that decision was appealed ing and pulling and spinning them. If a been approved she’s more than anxious to In order for this event to be a success it’s by the UPS (Universities Promoting spinner ever flips a player one entire rota- treat the students of UMBC. crucial that students behave in an orderly Soccer) and we had to come to a compro- tion, the hit will be declared illegal and the When asked if UMBC’s feeding week manner, forming lines, taking turns, even mise” said Dustin Fisher, Co-Director of opposing team will be awarded a penalty had anything to do with the Board of sharing if it comes to it. So bring a paper the Human Foosball League. “The next shot. Scoring will be the same as in soccer. Education’s recently new plan to implement plate and a bunch of napkins… Enjoy the step was obvious; we just needed to come “Now this is how soccer is supposed to a “feed a student week plan” (an initiative food. to an agreement about the rules.” be!” says Geoff Rupert, the other Co- with hopes to provide public school student UMBC Intramurals will be imple- Director of the Human Foosball League. with at least one weak worth of meals-break- menting this human foosball league in the “No fights, no injuries, no contact. fast lunch, dinner through out a semester), - Cook Boy fall of 2004 using the standard collegiate Perfect!” rules used by human foosball leagues “We are also considering the idea of a across the United States and Belgium. Human Globe Hockey League in which Before the season, all rosters will be slits are cut into the ground and players Shut up Phillip Plait, You’re Dumb checked and anyone appearing on a roster will be moved around by a rod attached to will be required to have a 15” hollow tube their pelvis,” says Dustin, “but that’s prob- from WORM, page 18 surgically attached to their back under- ably a semester or two away.” gets my proverbial Goddamn goat: Plait’s images themselves, save one Philip Plait. strongest argument is that if you turn the On his website picture upside down, they start to look like www.badastronomy.com, Plait has the the sand dunes they allegedly fucking are! audacity to laugh off Nicks’ article, even WTF?!?!?! If you were to take a picture presented with the images and the geolo- of the worms I go fishing with and then start gist’s arguments! I mean, who the hell does turning it around, they’d start to look like this guy think he is? He’s just some fucking sand dunes too! Goddamn! Jesus Goddamn astronomer working at Sonoma Mary and Joseph! Where does this mother- State University, which no one has even fucker get off? Sand dunes my eye. If any- heard of, for piss’ sake. I mean, NASA has- thing folks, crazy mofo’s like this make it n’t said shit, none of the big boys like clear that one needs to take any and all sci- Stephen Hawking or Jesus Christ has com- entific arguments with a bigass glass wormful mented on this friggin’ worm, and yet of salt. If you want to check out Ron Nicks’ Philip Asscrack Plait means to tell me that article on the worm, go to http://www.enter- it’s not a worm but instead a valley of sand prisemission.com/can.htm. If you want to dunes, whipped up by the Martian winds? see Philip Plait’s chickenshit, go to There’s no wind in space, asshole! Just solar http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/misc/ho winds! And they sure as fuck don’t carve agland/glassworm.html. Don’t you accuse worms out of Martian canyons, me of being biased, both links are right there! Goddammit! And this, this is what really Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Ian Ferguson [Deceiver Staff] Wet cardboard don’t burn

from HABITAT, page 18 We tried to reach the College moment their first check clears. By the Democrats to discuss potential human time they graduate, they should be some- rights violations, but they were busy being where near the top. beaten up by the College Republicans. When reached for comment, Habitat The beauty of these units, according to spokesman Jimmy Carter was found drunk Habitat, is that they can be placed on any on a case of Billy Beer he had found earlier flat or semi-flat surface for the night and that morning. He had this to say: stored away for daytime use. They plan to “This country is goin straight to hell! issue 800 of them to cover the projected %#^#ing governers running states innatha UMBC housing shortfall next semester. groun’ an there’re no one who can do-bout it.” And thanks to the recent tuition hikes, The former president then became many students can now qualify for their incoherent for several minutes, falling in to own Habitat unit permanently. a drunken stupor. He emerged from this Habitat insists that the tenant with personal hell quite agitated and preceded to drive can make improvements. Hearn, chase us off his property for “soiling his always the optimistic sort, has begun to peanuts.” plan his own design. Governer Ehrlich agreed to an inter- “A couple of tent spikes to anchor it view on the state economy, but responded and then I just start digging. I plan on hav- to all of our questions with, “So you a foot- ing enough space for a breakfast nook and ball fan?” or, “You know the Russians used a Jacuzzi. The only thing there won’t be to ask a lot of questions like you.” room for are the tears.” THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 Interlocutions 25

Chalk blows up; student, sans pinky finger, out of hospital and class

from CHALK, page 18 Responding to his physician’s diagno- Phenomena (C.R.E.E.P.), who concluded sis, Cheltonhoser exclaimed, “Awesome.” that the calcium bicarbonate element of chalk Being that he was scheduled to take a reacted with a rare enzyme found in suspi- midterm examination in two of his classes ciously large quantities on the sidewalk, this week, “Introduction to Women Nitroglycerolicbicarbophosphylase, which Geographic Engineers” and “First Dates had probably been spilled on a lab student’s with Women Geographic Engineers,” the shoes earlier that day and deposited onto the elated student declared that he was “pretty concrete. stoked” and looked forward to an evening While losing his right hand’s pinky of fine dining (with “the Colonel’s original finger admittedly did not inhibit the left- eleven herbs and spices”), then restful “self- handed Cheltonhoser to write with a pen medication” with a few “all-natural herbs.” or pencil, his doctor advised him to avoid Upon hearing of their friend’s medical any “undue stress” as he went through the prognosis, T. Everett Bone and Allen healing process. Ignatius Zebediah Doubie were quick to groan enviously, Feelgood, M.D., general practitioner at “Shit, dog. That’s like a million dollar Confederate Memorial Hospital in wound or something. Lucky-ass dummy.” Ourbutts, MD said “Charles should stay “Ha,” said Charlie, grinning, “you just jeal- away for the next 10-15 days from reading, ous. Who’s up to get they ass whooped in writing, ‘rithmetic, note-taking, class Super Smash Brothers?” attendance, term paper research, and most Despite his unfortunate loss of an of all, exam-taking, because it’s been clini- appendage, one dedicated student struggles cally proven that these activities typically to return to life as usual. First things first, induce anxiety in young people, which of course; right now there’s one thing on could very well be detrimental to the psy- his mind: boy, is he glad the Gamecube chological wellbeing of Mr. Cheltonhoser.” doesn’t require the use of one’s pinkies. 26 Interlocutions March 30, 2004 THE DECEIVER

AROUND Beginning [Mar. 30] Incidentally... Events Happening Throughout the Greater Baltimore-Washington Area TOWN Events Happening On and Around the UMBC Campus Beginning [Mar. 30] Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore Tuesday, March 30 allowed to assume the role of a cop Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore Drinks, Drinks, and More Drinks! until 4pm. Call 410-455-3136 for altimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore Ever wished you could buy alcohol on more information. Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore campus? You might soon be able to. Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore Wood Dining Services is thinking of Thursday, April 1 Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore converting the extra space next to the Evanescence in Concert Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore OTC store in the Commons into a Tickets go on sale today to see Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B miniature liquor store. Before they Evanescence perform live at UMBC on altimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore begin, they’d like to hear your take on Saturday (4/3.) Get yours at the Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore their latest idea. So, representatives Commons Information Desk. The con- Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore from Wood will be handing out sur- cert will be from 8pm-10pm. For more Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore veys in the Commons (their table will details, stop by the Commons Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore be in front of the bookstore) for stu- Information Desk. Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore dents to fill out. Stop by anytime Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore between 10am-3pm. Got an upcoming event? Email resh- Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore [email protected] Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B Wednesday, March 31 altimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B Be a Cop for a Day Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore Do you have a bone to pick with the altimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore police that patrol this campus? For Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B one day only, the shoe is going to be Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore on the other foot while students act as altimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore police and patrol UMBC. A training altimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore session will be held at from 8:30am- Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore 9am, after which students will be Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore altimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is altimore B king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore Baltimore is king. Baltimore is king. king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore king. is Baltimore d e h c s / u d e . c b m u . c b E m w L U D E H C S THE DECEIVER March 30, 2004 genuine classifieds 27 Classifieds

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INSPIRED BY A REAL EVENT The world was divided and in despair… until one man came down from the mountains with a goal. Through the construction of a canal, mankind’s destiny would be changed forever. Scott Bakula (Cats Don’t Dance, Star Trek: Enterprise) stars as Panama in an exciting biographical adventure inspired by an actual historical event. Panama must battle the Nazis and unite a divided world in the process of constructing the canal that would ultimately bear his name. Also starring Gary Oldman, Milla Jovovich, Giovanni Ribisi, and rock superstar Rob Halford (Judas Priest) in the dual roles of Theodore and Franklin Roosevelt. Special extended cameo by Ice-T as Panama’s mentor, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. In the tradition of Pearl Harbor, director McG (Charlie’s Angels, Charlie’s Angel’s: Full Throttle) and his crew spare no expense in bringing this historically inspired epic to life. Hot soundtrack includes songs by artists like Sum 41, Nickelback, Drowning Pool, and Body Count. “#### Rousing … Bakula takes the hollywood epic to new depths of complexity.” – UMBC Retriever Patrick Stewart says...

“Just do it in your pants!”

THE DECEIVER March 31, 1100 AD why the hell are you reading this? 29

Sword-fighting(with pee) Women’s soccer captures NEC title This Week in My Pants

JAX CREEL Deciever Weekly Communist Bastard

As the clock counted down to zero on Saturday, the Retriever men’s lacrosse squad appeared to have victory well in hand. That was Dance Team until the Central Conn. women’s soccer team interfered in the con- test, causing it to end in disqualifi- April 1 vs. Dirty Dawg Band cation. The Lady Blue Devils had a The Dance Team plays home this week very successful campaign in the fall, against UMBC’s own Dirty Dawg Band capturing their second straight in the WWE ladder match. This is only NEC championship. However, in the fifth meeting between the two. spite of that, they were not satisfied. Admission is $20 for UMBC students. They wanted a piece of the UMBC Complimentary butt plugs will be avail- women’s soccer team whom they were unable to face due to the able at the front entrance. Retrievers’ departure to the AmEast. Thus as the men’s lacrosse team Baseball laid unconscious on the turf, Central Conn. head coach Mick March 30 vs. Chicago Cubs D’Arcy proceeded to call out the Lady Retriever soccer squad. The Chicago Cubs fly into town to take UMBC head coach Michelle on the baseball team at the Baseball Salmon quickly responded, making her way down to the field from the Factory Field. Greg Maddux is sched- stands. After a brief verbal con- uled to take the mound against Eric frontation, Salmon agreed to the [Modified by Noel Mueller] Butkiewicz. impromptu match up, provided the Soccer action: Real good soccer-style action lovin’ went down at this pre- NEC title was on the line. D’Arcy historic event last sunday. T-Rex looks to score big-time this season. UMBC Crew wanted it to be no other way. Officials lost control several involved when D’Arcy mocked him head. April 2 at UCLA times during the course of the game by referring to him as ‘Dr. Doobie’. In the contest’s final minute, as foreign objects were employed by Brown chased D’Arcy throughout junior Missy Moore secured the The match between UCLA and UMBC both teams. UMBC athletics direc- the stadium complex before he was UMBC victory with a fierce head tor, Dr. Charles Brown even got finally able to hit him upside the butt goal. has been put off another week because the UMBC crew team was unable to make it back from Cancun. The crew team decided to stay another week for spring break.

Volleyball

April 2 vs. UMBC men’s basketball

The volleyball team will take on Feeley and Co. this Friday in the RAC Arena. With height aside, the volleyball team should run away with this contest. Come out and watch Megan Gross set it up and Julia Waclawiak throw it down. It’s awesome baby!!! what plug? Team Plugging April 2 vs. UCLA

This newly founded sport has hit the streets with a running start this season. Junior Christopher Dockery has had quite a hot streak thus far, and hopes to continue burning the competition. UCLA’s Dan “the legend” Moffa has his sights set on a painful reunion for these two rival teams.

[uh, yeah] Wet Farts: In a recent interview with TRW, former president Bill Clinton claimed ignorance on the whereabouts of a missing chrome butt plug. 30 Sword-fighting chumly 4 life! March 31, 1100 AD THE DECEIVER TRW’s Noel Mueller gets exclusive interview with LD 0

(These are completely made

Head-Chairman Dan Moffa 4 up every week. Seriously. Try the email address. It NOEL MUELLER technique. doesn’t exist anymore) Coolest guy on the face of the planet Dan: A lot of people dicount diet and exer- cise...I mean the best LDs aren't just grown at birth!

I’ve been reading everyone’s letters, and I can 9 tell you’re all as amped to hear from LD TRW: I hear you invented a move...tell me Head-Chairman Dan Moffa as I’ve been, so I about it. finally tracked “the legend” down for a one- Dan: Well I was the first to do a triple-double 3 on-one. TRW: Is that what I think it is? WHO’S HOT Dan: Yeah buddy, that's three wraps around The UMBC water polo team is Oh, by the way, a little intro on the organiza- each leg. a hot team. Watch them prac- tion might be in order. The LD’s are a broth- TRW: That is truely impressive. tice in the Natatorium at 6 a.m. every Monday. erhood, united by a single, genetic, common Dan: I am currently working on a new move 8 denominator. A penis over thirty inches. that will put that to shame, though. TRW: Really? I actually heard about a guy in 3 ************* Minnesota who is incorporating multiple partners in the wraps. TRW: So, tell us about your organization. Dan: Yeah that's a big thing now, but I think Dan: Well the LDS is really an organization it really strays away from the true LD roots where the best can come together an well...be TRW: Single quads, double triples, etc... the best. yeah, I understand how these new directions 7 WHO’S ANDY could detract from the LD tradition. If you guessed True Grit, well, TRW: The best you say? How much involve- you would be right. ment in the community do you guys have Dan: I mean it's cool and all, do what you 3 around here? want in your own time, but I don't think the Dan: Yeah, there are plenty of others out publicity they get is really warranted. there, but really the LD brothers are the TRW: Good call. So, any new plans for this tightest. year, past the canned condom drive? By

TRW: Thats cool, what brings you the way, you might want to tell our 6 guys together? readers what a canned condom actu- Dan: Well we try to help out as best ally is, and why it is necessary to can we can...every year we have a a condom of that size. 3 WEEKLY POLL Dan: Well a canned condom is the Do you think the UMBC crew canned condom drive for all the team will get back from poor LDs around the world. We just extra-large kind...they put them in Cancun safely? Will the team feel that all men with LDs can come cans instead of wrappers. The pressure bring us the gold after all those together and share their brotherhood that a condom of that size would put up parties over spring break? and “LDness” and basically be better against foil or plastic would break the 5 than everyone else. package. TRW: They’re kind-of like one of those gag TRW: Thats what REALLY is important after 3 all. cans with that snake thing that pops out? Dan: True. Dan: In a sense, yes. Except without a spring TRW: So, enough small talk, lets get down to in it, of course [laughs]. the nitty gritty. How big are you, and how do TRW: Of course. LAST WEEK: Dan: This year I think we're going to try and Will you show up on April 13 you judge your pledges' worthiness? 4 Dan: Well I don't mean to brag, but I'm hit the streets and just give the LD to the for the first night game in puttin out about 40". Pledges aren't judged community. Just really service the communi- UMBC baseball history? We ty as much as we can, if you know what I 3 have a baseball team?-75%, solely on their LD, but how they are willing Nope, I have beer in the fridge- to use it to further our LD brotherhood. mean. 25% TRW: Sounds like a cool organization..I TRW: I think I do. Well, now’s the time for measured myself at 36, about 6 months ago, any shameless plugs you might want to make. but i've been working out, so who knows.. Dan: [laughs] I think splooge week is going

Dan: Yeah man, I'm trying to get to 42 or 43 to be this upcoming week...but no specific 3 by the end of the year. You just gotta keep events planned out, as of yet. working at it. A lot of people completely dis- TRW: I’ll be sure to have that covered. Best count diet and exercise...I mean the best LDs of luck to you and the brothers, 3 aren't just grown at birth! and...ahem...be sure to put in a good word TRW: Yeah, its tough work, but the payoff is for me. great... So, lets talk about some official "LD" Dan: Will do. Athleteof theDecade: Bo Jackson by Alberto Gubierto

Professional Pee’er: David Jun five homeruns and 11 runs bat- “Before I burp, I must say the ted in. UMBC community looks up to Last week a young Bo Jackson “I know it’s the wooden bats we me as an icon and a godfather.” made a name for himself. The are using,” Jackson said. “These The Retrievers have won 15 sizzling senior gave the Retrievers big Louisville Sluggers are allow- straight games thanks to a win over College Park after he ing us to pump baseballs out of Jackson’s speed. He crossed stole home. the park at an alarming rate.” home and pounded his chest Jackson won the game with his His jacked-up guns in the form after the win over College Park steal, but it was his swing that had of massive biceps shoulder the in the Beltway Classic. fans mesmerized. He had a flair burdens of the great American “I am going to hop on my for the game unheard of on this festival called baseball. motorcycle and ride into the campus. “Yo man, look at these tender sunset with my home base Jackson went seven for seven with muscles,” Jackson belched. bubba,” Jackson said. THE DECEIVERMarch 31, 1100 AD seriously, this is the best content this section has ever been graced with.Sword-Fighting31

“Greetings from The Swiss Alps!” r e l l e u M

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Duec to completeo lack of contentrner in this week’s sports section, the production team at TRW has decided to feature a new column: “graphic design corner.”

As a production assistant, I have the ultimate power as far as content goes. The edi- tor-in-cheif really has nothing to do with what goes in here, as we are the last step in the production of the paper. WE HAVE THE POWER TO PRINT ANYTHING!!

Ok, given that, let the pretentious discussion of all things graphic design begin...

First, let the age old rivalry between helvetica (bastard child of Akzidenz Grotesk) and arial (complete poser microsoft imitation font) be settled. On first inspection, the dif- ferences between the letterforms in these two fonts are minimal, but this is not what makes or T

H breaks a font. Helvetica has “street cred.” Arial G I

R does not. Arial was created by Microsoft, and is helvetica therefore crap. Ok, so Helvetica actually has a fair-sized family to chose from, and arial has two weights. Arial, and Arial Black. It is likely that

G Arial black was added as a pseudo-suitable N

O headline variation on the limp font. With the R

W thicker stroke, this font now can be used for arial headlines and crappy looking body text. Helvetica = good, Arial = bad, Akzidenz Grotesk = God. Got it? Good. Next up, a les- son in the classic technique of kerning. Kurt Russel is the second best actor on the face of the planet. Second only to David Hasselhoff. Oh T

H wait, kerning. Right... Sorry, I had to rub one G I R kern this out. The closer letters are to eachother, the bet- ter. ALWAYS. The further letters away from T

H eachother, the worse. But there IS an exception G I

R to this rule: extreme kerning in either direction.

O

S Kerning closely is more suited to bolder type. As L A the lettterforms bleed into each other naturally, k ern this this dynamic is strengthened by close kerning. Naturally, good graphic designers take every lesson they’ve ever been taught to extremes. The same is true with wide kerning, but only appli-

L cable to extremely thin weights. Very light type- L A

B faces are complimented by a disjointed appear- T E

K ance which can be attained by extremely wide S A

B kerning. This is particularly useful in cases where a string of type is far too short, yet cannot be a ” O

“ larger point size. Since this is the sports section, I’d

A

R like to draw some parallels between your stupid U T games, and the divine art of typography. This bas- U F O ketball is a circle. Just like the letter “o.” See? The basketball, I hear anyway, is used in juvenile con- tests of strength, and the letter “o” is the perfect manifestation of geometry in type. Thus con- cludes this edition of graphic design corner, I hope you learned well.

“Joe Howley doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman performing anal sex on a man” “There are no bad typefaces, only bad typographers.” - Jeffrey Keedy - - - - INSIDE e cept for swim k? blah blah e get the funding, s soccer team will sing ’ e our 2004 soccer cham ograms ex ogs! Wooo hooooo! blah Wooo ogs! xcited about that… blah xcited our dorkiness and build a our dorkiness chess stadium? blah blah besides, our mascot is an get dog. Can’t ugly yellow e blah blah blah blahohh- the are We hh look at us! d lah blah blah h blah blah blahwhy is it that more flag- people watch more Field football on Erickson than they do the men’s basketball games? blah tell you blah blah blahI’ll why! blah blah blahbe- cause flagfootball is inter- 94 42 29 om higher tuition for those f course, funding would sur O THE DECEIVER ational Anthem before the festivi- ational Anthem before As soon as w The women “What better way to kick things ys,” Grit said. “Ten years ago I was years said. “Ten ys,” Grit lah blah h bah blah blah blah bla- ly come fr less than a 3.2 students who have appreciate they don’t as surely GPA, their education or else they would And when I say higher, harder. work like an I mean significantly higher, course, Of extra 10grand a semester. all athletic pr ming and baseball (only because they as well hot) will be cut. Because, are losers. they are all know, the stadium will be built on Erickson field. ah blah blahthe tennis team brings good news every once and a while blah ah blah blah blah blah blah have shouldn’t blah blahmaybe we good be have sports can’t at all? why teams like college par b into should just give hor maybe we bo to walk I have on the sideline, now the track with a pizza in my around hand.” esting blah blah blah blah blah bla hour only saving grace is that all of hot. I could are the baseball players watch those guys all day long, and the guys on the swimteam speedos hot mmmmmmspeedos... are the N ties begin. off then to hav Anthem,” pions sing the National said. Gibbs Kick me Tease me Tease - e y In the nuts) ( eah, essur ee-year e for the They do uined b opriate and March AD 31, 1100 ) ) The last time the e e eam is a thr T e e p p

ance h h t t K-MASTER-KOOL ophistication be r i i The Deciever Weekly Bitch e is the swim team. “We are really excited this year,” excited really are “We Women’s basketball lost Women’s “I wish I could be ther The D w w ent.” lah blah blah blah blah ( ( ruckus of low-life, unsophisticated, ruckus of low-life, non-studious people. walls (for those who find the pr of the game too much for their deli cate senses). There could be cheer- There cate senses). not shortleaders, wearing skirts and pom-poms, but business suits, spout- ing intellectual cheers that only the most sophisticated of students could claps and guarded understand. Golf laughs would only be appr specified times, otherwise, the audi- ence must be absolutely silent, lest the very of intelligence strict atmosphere and s good things… blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahy kudos to the swim team for actually bringing pride to this place blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the blah blah blaheven are Where chessteam lost! the good teams on this campus!? blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahand the the basketball team lost men’s blah blah blahoh wait! Ther as here in my tenure said. “Never Gibbs has Team Dance coach of the women’s the student body been so hyped for one ev WWE ladder champion in the annual match competition. again…blah ah blah blah and then they lost again blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahand oh, wait a second, lost this time Lacrosse blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahthe football team have don’t lost…wait, we a football team blah blah b band won it all was way back in 1995 Grit. True and their head coach was Women’s basketball Women’s , ve g g e could ser n n e, w umpets, gruel, tea, i i ws of intellectual giants in o t t [appropriated by Noel Mueller] Commentators would whisper The meeting this year should be The meeting this year ty Dawg Band was asked to leave the was asked to leave Band ty Dawg ir non-intellectual far designer coffee, cr and little tea sandwiches to those who lighting and come to watch. Special could line the walls so plasma screens that way students could see every sin- in crystal clear vision. Just gle move fall watch the sweat can’t think, you off the br sip designer coffee as you TV, HD in and contemplate the ingredients tea sandwich. European your of Pictures much like those in golf. fine art would line the marble work campus after the leader of the group pizza on a dancer. John’s a Papa threw nine fun to watch as the band returns Team The Dance members to the mat. is also loaded with talent and leading Gibbs. the sideline is Joseph them from UMBC history Dawg the Dirty where has called on a fight with the Band their last meeting, the In Team. Dance D h h ws, arious g g Arnold was in the line up against Delaware. He i i awg Band and awg Band The band met up ding the v f f ty D ent. - - ir ee gentlemen met up with e a stadium of marble with o there should be a chess sta- o there av The thr est of D Think about it. The chess team Think about it. This is only the fifth time in d d wing eggs. o ozart, and Chopin would play. Flex me some muscles: went 0 for 4 because he was chillin with his home boys. chess pieces guar of course, would be entrances. Seats, cushioned with the finest of pillo as students would be watching match- the es for hours at a time. During tournaments, the finest of Beethoven, M of servingInstead soda and other the stadium and 2)get winning teams? S dium. is president brings us pride. Our We of our team. especially proud could h the r to raise Center Road down marched money for the ev outside of the Team with the Dance The women and asked for a duel. RAC accepted. Dance squad didn’t respond and the respond squad didn’t Dance after asked to leave gentlemen were thr r r . ee ance

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er, seems to have ended on a dark seems to have er, 32 32 The Deciever Weekly’s Resident Bitch et to be realized to the public, left et to be realized ion fr The only gritty team that we have on have The only gritty team that we this whole campus is the Swimming team, with baseball (only and Diving Tennis hot) and because they are Who needs being the next in line. in and a big ugly arena fields of green the RA

stadium. Let’s face it. We need more We face it. stadium. Let’s basketball with Women’s grit. From their 4 total wins for the season. And the whole men Really really smart chess article. Because we’re smart. squad from the second floor. The the second floor. squad from gentlemen called out the entir shocked the UMBC community last when they called on the UMBC week WWEtake part to in a lad- Team Dance Arena. 1 in the RAC der match on April the season will go ahead as sched- stated. uled,” Brown around 11 p.m. on the game day. 11 p.m. around whose name has of the players, One y message on her his girlfriend a voice cell phone in which he was scream- try-ing about some sort of creature into the bus. ing to break Freeman team?” UMBC president, Hrabo to the news. past few days,” commented UMBC Charles of athletics Dr. director something happened to “If Brown. liable for it.” are that bus, we t note as the team has not been heard since. from the University of Delaware over of Delaware the University and found victoryspring break over the B ev

Dance team prepares dirty for ladder match against dawg band Baseball squad missing in action squad missing Baseball