THE DECEIVER WRITING ABOUT THE UNGRATEFUL, APATHETIC UMBC COMMUNITY SINCE 1966 Volume 38, Issue Tissue 23 1000 Hilltop Circle, Believe, MD 21250 Smarch 30, 2004 Bush, Cheney announce forbidden love Hrabowski Executives to meet unveils with Senator Santorum robot BOB THE BUILDER body Deceiver Weekly Staff Writer In what was one of the most LOCUTUS OF BORG shocking and confusing press con- Deceiver something something butt ferences of all time, President UMBC President Freeman Bush and Vice President Dick Hrabowski showed off his new Cheney stunned a crowd of press cybernetic body to the student reporters today while discussing body this week. the timetable for the withdrawal The robot body is made from of U.S. troops from Iraq. Both seemed unusually nervous and antsy during the conference, but nothing was made of it until the middle of the event. While describing the terrain in the Iraqi Desert, President Bush was said to remark “Now Iraq…is a desert…and deserts are Nic Crowe [He’s Delicious] uhmm…known to be hot…very hot…hot hot hot, like my Vice Presidential Butt Plugs: The happy White House couple returns from a shopping spree in Dupont Circle. President!” The outburst was odd enough, but all present were fur- President further declared that he amendment to the Bible to make their asses off at the whole inci- ther shocked as Bush proceeded to was going to form a super villain being gay okay after Labor Day. In dent. Senator Kerry has asserted grab Cheney and start making out team with Cheney called the their secret mountain lair in San that a Kerry administration will with him as the vice president “Despicably Gay Duo.” “Call me Francisco, they have dispatched significantly reduce the number of groped his executive’s butt. the Sodo-master!” he said as he incredibly well-dressed soldiers presidents that come out of the When the shocked silence jumped into the crowd and who have seized control of all the closet and become ineffective finally ended, reporters were punched the most masculine fig- local hair salons and claim they international terrorists. The quick to ask what the hell was ure nearby, who happened to be will, “give everyone really bad Republicans have fired back that going on. Bush responded in a an advocate of Butch Feminism, haircuts,” unless their demands this is just more of, “the same old near crazed tone that he was “Sick and beat her senseless. are met. Washington spin,” and that the of living a lie” and that “the The Despicably Gay Duo has Gay leaders have been slow to gay-president-who-becomes-an- straight world will pay for what it since fallen out of sight, but is respond, mostly because they, like has done to our love!” The demanding a constitutional the rest of us, have been laughing see PLUG, page 3 Fighting STOPS in Food Civil War, many dead Patrick Moore He Plays Xylophone Anita Field [Secret Lover] Resistance is futile: Hrabowski is an unstoppable cybernetic power house of sweet sweet love. blast-proof duratanium alloys and weighs only 30 pounds. Its arse- Billy [Retriever Staff] nal includes particle cannons and rocket launchers, and will also Penguins: These are Penguins, they can’t fly, nor love. Or can they? allow the president to fly. “This is so cool,” said A ceasefire was issued early pulled away from reruns of Love Hrabowski as his servo-arms lifted Thursday, effectively ending the war Connection to comment, but we’re the entire Fine Arts building and between Wood Company and the sure that they are very relieved. tied it in a knot. “None shall defy SGA. Warlords for both sides said that The war is estimated to have my will!” they were very tired of hurling food at caused nearly $3 million dollars worth To fund the robot body, one another, and not bathing for a of damages and mental anguish, tuition will be going up $3,000 week had really begun to take its toll. according to some sources. and 30 head of cattle next fall. Students still residing on campus Campus officials are still on vaca- There’s really no more to this are elated, though some are being tion and probably won’t notice any- story. It was more something we treated for bowel obstructions after thing when they come back The holes thought up for the picture. You they ate their carpet in fits of despera- in Erickson Field will merely be lightly can stop reading now. Bears need lovin’ too. tion. covered in the hopes that those damned You smell like pea soup. Campus Police could not be ultimate frisbee kids will fall in. Four Day trw.umbc.edu 410.455.1260 o o Forecast tues: love wed: avocado thu: despairo fri: nudityo 2 News March 9, 2004 THE DECEIVER BehindtheScenes Senior scientist Dr. Murderstein College News explores the “unpopular” sciences Elsinore. A platform before though he did mention that he worked at the Castle. WARREN PIEZ the Hohenheim University in Germany Deceiver Weekly Staff Writer until their ‘moral buffoonery’ prompted Enter two Sentinels-[first,] Francisco, UMBC professor Dr. Malcolm him to move to Maryland. [who paces up and downat his post; then] “I loved Germany,” he reminisced, Bernardo, [who approaches him]. Murderstein is not just the school’s only biophysics expert; he’s also its oldest and with a glimmer of a smile on his age-torn most decrepit member of the faculty. He’s face, “Students had respect and discipline Ber. Who’s there? there. They weren’t always asking stupid Fran. Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold been carrying on his work in tissue regen- questions like these American students.” JED [Retriever Staff] yourself. eration and biomechanical implants here at UMBC for so long that no one remem- Grunting, he also began an impassioned Ber. Long live the King! impersonation of a whiny student, Fran. Bernardo? bers when he first got the job or how he managed to obtain a private laboratory in “‘What’s for homework?’ ‘Why do you tinuing his research and obtaining more Ber. He. have to post the exam grades all the way on laboratory equipment. Fran. You come most carefully upon your the basement of the physics building. “As far as I know, Murderstein has the 4th floor of the physics building?’ Students looking for an interesting hour. ‘Why do I hear animals screaming down in research position might inquire in his lab, Ber. ‘Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to had an underground lab here since before the school was even built,” chuckles Dr. your lab?’” if they can pass the course first. “Ah yes, bed, Francisco. Though he may seem like an unfriend- we’re always looking for additions to our Fran. For this relief much thanks. ‘Tis bit- Terrance Worchesky. “He’s usually so attached to his work that he doesn’t leave ly guy, students who become active in his army of the night,” he says, curling his ter cold, research often can’t get enough of Dr. wrinkled lips into a grin. And I am sick at heart. the lab until after nightfall anyway. I think most students, and even most facul- Murderstein. You may remember last year’s Ber. Have you had quiet guard? apparent disappearance of senior Jonas Fran. Not a mouse stirring. ty, wouldn’t even know the guy existed if he didn’t have to teach a class or two.” Linderston. His roommate reported him Quick Questions: Ber. Well, good night. missing when he didn’t return to his apart- If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus, Dr. Worchesky is referring to the recent mandate that all teachers must per- ment for over a week. However, after a The rivals of my watch, bid them make sighting near the stairwell of the physics 1. If you could be any animal, haste. sonally teach a class if they are a full time faculty member at the school. Up until building, further inquiry discovered that he what would you be? had simply been working in Dr. Enter Horatio and Marcellus. last spring, Dr. Murderstein had always used a graduate student to teach the stu- Murderstein’s lab for a few nights. Though “Definitely a piranha hawk, though dent-friendly Physics 104 for him. Now a bit paler and thinner than before, the those technically don’t exist yet.” Fran. I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who reclusive senior was otherwise unharmed. is there? that the mandate has been passed, he’s become a more visible campus personali- “Students often toil through the long 2. What’s your favorite holiday Hor. Friends to this ground. nights and weeks with me,” Dr. Mar. And liegemen to the Dane. ty, teaching the intro-level physics course: movie? “Physics 123: Introduction to Academic Murderstein affirms grimly. “A mad scien- Fran. Give you good night. tist’s job is never done.” Mar. O, farewell, honest soldier. Failure.” The course and its lab compo- “Bah, I hate movies. And holidays.” nent are a grueling semester-long intro- Dr. Murderstein’s hobbies include x- Who hath reliev’d you? ray crystallography, spider collecting, and Fran. Bernardo hath my place. duction to animal experimentation, 3. Who is your favorite celebrity? robotic circuitry, and dead tissue regener- reading. Give you good night. “I have always had a passion for the Exit. ation. “Oppenheimer, now there’s a man for Dr. Murderstein was hesitant to dis- work of William Faulkner,” he admits. Mar. Holla, Bernardo! His future plans simply include con- the ages.” Ber. Say- cuss his own academic background, What, is Horatio there ? Hor.