University of Montana ScholarWorks at University of Montana Associated Students of the University of Montana Montana Kaimin, 1898-present (ASUM) 9-17-1996 Montana Kaimin: Eye Spy, September 17-25, 1996 Associated Students of the University of Montana Let us know how access to this document benefits ouy . Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarworks.umt.edu/studentnewspaper Recommended Citation Associated Students of the University of Montana, "Montana Kaimin: Eye Spy, September 17-25, 1996" (1996). Montana Kaimin, 1898-present. 8934. https://scholarworks.umt.edu/studentnewspaper/8934 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Associated Students of the University of Montana (ASUM) at ScholarWorks at University of Montana. It has been accepted for inclusion in Montana Kaimin, 1898-present by an authorized administrator of ScholarWorks at University of Montana. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The Montana Kalinin Weekly Arts and Entertainment Guide • September 17_25,1996 A J e » music ttf /H H Marne, <Zhe /Kultlple C at and Ocean Colout Scene ^lus: gentleman’s TOatet Closet falsest 2 Eye Spy, Tuesday, September 17, 1996 All in the name of journalism, dam m it wouldn’t hurt to admit my wasn’t planning on Security entered the Kaimin guilt. The officer informed me writing a column this office looking for suspect in a that he would have to “call me I week, but a certain very perplexing mystery. in” to the Higher Powers on event triggered the sponta­ Apparently, the officer had the other end of the radio, and neous scribbler in me to con­ just locked the same door to took my Griz card to relay the jure up this here piece of deter thieves and vandals information. I was also Important Information: Never, from entering the building, informed that he would have ever, prop a door open with unaware of the tremendously Brian Hurlbut Morgan Sturges to turn my name into the dean one of your own publications. important work being done on Eye Spy Editor Eye Spy Writer of the journalism school And just what the hell does the second floor (I guess hav­ because I was in some way that mean, you ask? Read on, ing the lights on wasn’t endangering the safe­ Andy Smetanka Justin Grigg faithful ones, for a ty of the building. Eye Spy Designer neat little tale. Eye Spy Writer Hmmm. Sunday night, Column I think the officer while working to get Ross Jeffcoat may have been a little Lee Douglas this publication off to by bitter since he hadn’t Eye Spy Writer On-line Guru the presses by heard of Eye Spy (I Monday morning, I Brian Hurlbut tried offering him a had a little run-in Dave Steele year’s subscription for with that fine Photography Intern free but he didn’t find Institution of Public Protectiveness called Campus enough). So when he saw that it funny), and maybe if I had eye Spy is a publication of the Montana Kaimin, Security. You see, I propped a the door was open again so used a copy of the locked door of the Journalism soon (hey, I’m quick), he did Independent things would and is distributed every Tuesday, except holidays building open with last week’s what any officer who read the have been OK It wasn’t like I when we decide to put it out any time we want to. issue of Eye Spy, so that my “How to follow up on a myste­ was REALLY breaking the We’ll gladly accept any letters, suggestions or com­ fellow journalists could enter riously propped open door” law. It was indeed all in the ments, although we reserve the right to do nothing without having to get my section in the security hand­ name of journalism. Fm dedi­ cated, man, and I was just with them. For further information contact us at attention by throwing rocks at book would do; he went searching for the perpetrator. helping people out. Room 206, School of Journalism, University of the window of the Kymin office. It was just about time So upon entering the office, So that’s the price I pay for Montana, Missoula, MT 59801. (406)243-4310. for our weekly meeting to dis­ the officer immediately gave spending most of my free time Reach us on the internet at [email protected], cuss story ideas for the coming us two options: He could kick trying to put out this publica­ or check out our ultra-cool web page week, and numerous reporters us all out of the building, or tion every week. Fm on the http://www.umt.edu/Kaimin. were expected. No harm done, someone could fess up. Well, if shit list of Campus Security right? Wrong, it turns out. we got kicked out there and possibly the dean. As I see Very wrong. wouldn’t be anything to read it, there’s only on way to recti­ nuocs oy i_eign KUDin No less than ten minutes today, so being the fy this situation with all later, an appropriately- Experienced One in matters of involved parties. Gentlemen, dressed member of Campus law enforcement I figured it the donuts are on me. T h e D e e p E n d by: Chad Strawderman The Deep End by: Chad Strawderman "Call it a hunch, Leroy, but according to this hero treasure map, I suspect we're getting mighty close!" Eye Spy, Tuesday, September 17, 1996 3 good read on the land the same size. Probably sand movies in less than six years. john is a thing both Gentleman's peeing their pants with tomach trouble? Don’t worry, it’s proba­ Afleeting and pro­ laughter, the Letts consented. bly just THE CALCIFIED FETUS OF foundly satisfying. Quality water closet digest Those rat bastard Templars, YOUR UNBORN TWIN. In 1994, accord­ browsing can make those pri­ for their part, took to the S ing to “Fortean Times,” a 59-year-old farmer from vate moments magical. by Andy Smetanka cowhide with shears and China’s Jiangsu province complained to his doc­ Unfortunately, choice toilet sliced it into a single, unbro­ tor of weight loss and stomach pains. A subse­ lit is rather like toilet paper, ken strip which they then laid quent operation removed the fetus of his unborn in that you often don’t notice out to enclose an area consid­ twin brother from his bladder. The same year, there ISN’T any until you’re erably larger than the one the doctors removed three fetuses from a four-month too firmly ensconced to hunt Letts had bargained for. What old infant in the Saudi town of Assir. And in some down. Also, reading happened next is unclear, but early 1995, radiography of a 92-year-old woman material can usually double I gather there was a lot of hospitalized in Vienna showed the presence of as TP in a pinch, but try bloodshed, the church was lithopedion. Also known as stone child, the phe­ reading toilet paper some­ finally erected and the nomenon occurs when the body forms calcium time! And even worse than Christians had a hell of a around dead tissue too large to be expelled or having nothing to read is get­ time keeping a bishop on the absorbed. The woman, who died a week later of ting stuck with total bunk: A throneside almanac of all scene. unrelated causes, had been carrying the calcified coupon books, certain free things arcane, mundane, and onsidering a career fetus for 60 years. local weeklies, or (as has been just plain inane. change? John C. he Finnish language is, as linguists say, the case at my place for CHolmes, aka Long an agglutinating one. Which basically weeks at a time) Johnny Wadd, the notoriously means that Finnish speakers use com­ “CLOTHILDE! TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF well-assembled “adult film” star, worked as an T pound words which stretch around the block. It’s SEWING NOTIONS”. No redeeming value what­ ambulance driver for several years before pene­ somewhat like the principal behind concrete, soever. It’s even printed on decidedly un-ass- trating the porn-flick business. During that time, where bigger lexemes are held in place with a friendly glossy stock. That ain’t hardly right. But according to a 1974 interview in “Sinema,” the fine paste of smaller morphological units. For to put all this to right, I’ve decided to assemble a man of measure delivered “thirteen babies, two example: “pienoislohikaarmeenyhdyskunnanpaa- lighthearted, rough-and-ready series of anecdotes sets of twins” and “had three or four hundred peo­ likko,” or roughly, “the chief of a colony of minia­ and pleasantries to delight and enrich your time ple die on [him].” He also severely beat the father ture dragons.” WHEN in the HELL, you may ask, on the growler, to move you (arf arf!) and hopeful­ of one of his charges. “The father was grinding might someone have occasion to talk about such a ly stay with you longer than two bran muffins cigarettes out on him. All over his chest and thing? No idea. Another winning coinage is com­ and a cup of black coffee. And just FEEL that back...so I just beat the [holy daylights] out of the posed of three discreet lexical units, and looks UTILE newsprint! guy. But I didn’t kill him. I regret that. I did not like this: “haayoaie.” That’s “the intention of a fter knights of the nth crusade succeed­ kill him.” In 1974, after roughly five and a half wedding night.” Looks like a Hawaiian hot ed in converting the Lithuanians, they years as a professional on-screen stud, Holmes spring, sounds like someone trying to swallow a Awasted no time in marching into what is put the number of his various films at 2,706.