Thoughts About Parenting, by Angie Miranda

Extremes don't work. If you find you are punishing your child endlessly, of if you are trying hard to be the "cool" parent, you could be headed for trouble. You are very important in your child's life, both as a role model, and as someone they can trust and respect. This means you have to check yourself. If you scream, yell, threaten, demean, or use sarcasm with your child, your are planting the seeds of rage. Your child won't respect you, and the only place he or she will find comfort in this very confusing world will be with peers. How do feel about leaving your child with nothing but 13 year old confused, impulsive, judgmentally impaired (all of which is normal, by the way!) friends to help them navigate a culture that worships sex, drugs and rock and roll? As for the cool parents...what your kids need is firm, consistent parents, not friends. They need boundaries to test. If you can stay calm, fair, firm, consistent, and respectful, you will have children who love you and seek you out when times are tough. Hang in there!

**Developing Self Esteem:

One of today’s hottest topics and most misunderstood concepts is “self esteem”. Parents have rightfully become concerned with the process of developing their children’s self esteem, but many of our efforts to do so have adverse consequences, mostly because no one tells us what works and what doesn’t. In an effort to foster a strong self-image, many parents devote themselves to protecting their children from any situation or experience which may be difficult, upsetting or stressful. When we focus on surrounding our children with a perfect world, we actually hinder their development and create a greater likelihood of future problems with anxiety, depression and a general inability to cope with life’s normal up and downs. This a scientific fact. “Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan has shown unequivocally that what creates anxious children is parents hovering and protecting them from stressful experiences”. (Psychology Today, 2004) Conversely, overcoming obstacles gives children confidence and a sense of their own abilities, true self esteem!

Research shows that parents who pursue unnecessary accommodations for their children or run constant interference for them, end up completely corroding the child’s sense of self. The child is robbed of his sense of competency and feels, “I can’t do this on my own.” By overly protecting their children from difficulties, the parents delay the growth of competence in their children. We are developing a nation of fragile kids who do not know how to cope. One cannot develop the tools and skills to navigate the world if one never has the opportunity to practice by overcoming normal obstacles by oneself.

Next time your child is stressed or unhappy, put the brakes on your urge to rush in and fix it. Be a good listener. Empathize and validate feelings. Ask questions and find out if your child has any ideas or solutions to the problem. Let them know that you are confident they will get through the difficulty with some effort and time. Have some faith in your children and let them become accountable for their own lives and learning.

This does not mean that you simply let go of all parental controls. Quite the contrary! Your job is to help bring reality (consequences) to your child’s life in a kind, firm and loving way. There will be some situations when your help is necessary and required. However, not all problems require your intervention. Not all failures are a disaster. In the words of child psychologist David Elkind, professor at Tufts University, “We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope.”

**More thoughts on Parenting:

And you thought you could have a social life now that you don’t need a babysitter!

What we know about young adolescents:

 they are thrill seekers  they are easily influenced by peers  the part of their brains that controls judgment is not fully developed  in an unsupervised group they are a disaster  they need and want to be with friends all of the time!

Does this sound like trouble?

How can you compensate for these normal developmental issues without locking your child up at home?

1. Be the hangout. Encourage kids to be at your house. Provide games, pizza, movies, whatever it takes!

2. Be an observer. Listen in the car when you drive the carpool.

3. Get to know the parents of anyone your child spends time with.

4. Share your values and rules with other parents. Be open about your desire to make sure your child is supervised. Be willing to supervise the children of others.

5. Ask questions and communicate about uncomfortable topics like sex, drugs and peer pressure.

6. Role play possible situations…”What would you say if your friend wants to ditch the movie and hang out at the park?” “What will you do if your friend gets in a car with some boys from the high school?” “What if someone sneaks alcohol into the party?”

7. Create an environment in which honesty is valued and mistakes will be “Ok”, even though there will be consequences.

8. Keep consequences short term and immediate. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel and nothing to lose, our kids will learn to lie and deceive us.

Set the rules now, and don’t relent. Here are some we recommend:

a. No sleepovers unless you talk to the other parent who promises to be home and shares the same rules.

b. There will be no “hanging out” especially at the Highlands. Expect social activities to be planned in advance and that some adult you have talked to is in charge.

c. If your child goes to the movies, consider setting a limit to how much time they will be there before and after the movie. Time for ice cream might be Ok, but not two hours. (Consider being there yourself, either at a restaurant or in another movie). d. No leaving an approved activity without getting permission from you. (For example, leaving the movie to go somewhere else with a friend).