Parenting Teens
Positive stories about teens rarely make it into the headlines. But, believe it or not, nine in 10 teens do not get into trouble. Do we hear about those
in the news?! ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
hether children are toddlers or teens, on more a role of counselor. The warmth, Wpreparing for parenting challenges is affection, and positive communication of a tough! The difficulty with teens is that they counselor, however, must be balanced with are becoming much larger, much more the teen’s need to be independent and in verbal, and are able to fight battles more on charge. One researcher found that teens an adult level. They may experiment with seek information from friends on social risk taking, and the stakes are higher than at events, dating, joining clubs, and other any other developmental stage to this point. social life aspects while they turn to their Teens do not turn into teens overnight. parents for information on education, career There are three phases of adolescence that plans, and money matters. include the teen years: preadolescence (age During late adolescence, there are many 9 to 13), middle adolescence (age 14 to 16) decisions to be made. Teens are beginning and late adolescence (age 17 to 20). to disengage, and they often prepare to During preadolescence, children feel leave home about the same time their disorganized, and their growth is rapid and parents are reflecting on their own lives and uneven. They are not quite adolescents yet needs. At this time, authority with children because their sexual maturity has not fully is redefined and there is a gradual shift completed, and they are often referred to as toward economic and emotional indepen- tweens, meaning between the stages of dence. A new adult-adult relationship must childhood and teen years. Children try to emerge. meet the expectations of both parents and Parenting is complex. Many factors friends. Parents of preadolescents may feel affect outcomes in children. Personal less ready to face the new challenges than resources, the characteristics of the child, when their children were younger. They may and the stress or support parents get from
Distributed in furtherance feel more worried about the number of school, family, and community all enter into of the Acts of Congress of dangerous situations and substances to the results. This fact sheet is a general May 8 and June 30, 1914. Employment and program which youth are exposed. Parents should guideline. opportunities are offered to meet this stage with warmth, fairness, and Good kids don’t suddenly go bad. Drug all people regardless of race, color, national origin, even a sense of humor. abuse, irresponsible and early sex, and teen sex, age, or disability. North During middle adolescence, children opposition to authority are all preventable Carolina State University, North Carolina A&T State may go ballistic over a few extra pounds, acts. To understand more about teens, let’s University, U.S. Department hair that won’t stay in place, or fair-weather start by dispelling some of the myths. of Agriculture, and local governments cooperating. friends. During this time, parents may take Myth One Myth Two Peer pressure is at its worst during Teens prefer their friends to their adolescent and teen years. parents. Peer pressure is overrated, and it can be a positive force. As children begin school they spend less time with Generally, adolescents choose friends with similar values parents, and their friends become more important. Youth and tastes to theirs; however, parents still retain the major begin to create their own identity through what they do, influence over the child’s life. Research shows that where they go, and who they know. Often teens with low parents who monitor their children can help prevent a self-esteem or high anxiety will seek a “quick fix” of number of risky behaviors, including alcohol use, sexual approval from a peer group. However, if children have activity, delinquency, and other misconduct. Monitoring been given strategies early in life to deal with tough also gives children the message that with increasing decisions, they will be able to face these tests with good privileges comes increasing responsibilities. results. Early in life, children should be given smaller decisions STRATEGY—Parental monitoring means establishing to make (which shirt to wear, which game to play, how to guidelines and limits for your child in order to keep track of arrange their room). Children who have been allowed to what is going on in his or her social world. It means experiment with and learn that decisions have conse- knowing: quences are better able as teens to make tougher ❑ where your kids are decisions! Parents who always TELL their children what ❑ who they are with to do and control their behavior with no choice by the child are preparing their children to listen to others ❑ what kinds of activities have been planned without ever developing an inner voice to guide them for ❑ how they will get there and back again a lifetime. Parental monitoring also means making expectations STRATEGY—Stay involved and connected. clear with the child about what to do in an emergency. But Talk and listen to your children. Know their friends, their parental monitoring does not mean demanding obedience, school experience, and what their world is like. Parents attempting to control a child’s choices and behavior, or busy with work and children busy with school activities imposing a parent’s will on the child. have very little time to interact. That’s why it takes special While children may complain that parents “don’t trust effort. Here are some suggestions for connecting with them” or that they are being unreasonable, there is your child: security in knowing that parents care enough to ask. ❑ Parents need to understand that monitoring is an impor- Be a sounding board. Make it clear that you are willing tant right and responsibility of parenting. to listen. If you wait until the teen years to begin monitoring it ❑ Use everyday family activities to stay close. Making will feel too much like you are trying to control them. dinner, running errands, taking a walk can all be turned into Teens will turn the issue into a power struggle. So start quality family time. monitoring children early in ways that are age appropriate. ❑ Build in extra time to “check-in” at bedtime. Do not This will help children accept this as a part of life. Teenag- assume your child has outgrown this important bedtime ers need increasing freedom to begin their road to ritual. independence and they need parents who monitor their ❑ behavior in a respectful and appropriate way. Starting Use notes, bulletin boards, and even e-mail to commu- early may be the best strategy, but it is never too late to nicate with each other. begin. ❑ Get to know your child’s friends by inviting them to Since you cannot always be around to monitor chil- your home and on family outings. dren, family rules will help parents monitor their children when they are out of sight. A phone call to a parent at Myth Three home or at work at an agreed-upon time or when plans change will help parents know where their children are. If My teen won’t talk to me. I can’t get him the parent is not available by phone, a neighbor or relative or her to open up. can serve as the connection. Teenagers like to talk. But they must have a willing listener. If simply asked, “How was your day?” by a parent who listens only halfway and responds “uh huh,” teens will begin to seek more willing listeners. If all that is said is “clean your room,” or “look at me when I am talking to you!” then teens will begin to tune out. There must be a balance between routine chatter and deeper talk. When psychologist Torey Hayden asked several hundred teens what they wished they could talk with their parents about, they named: ❑ Family matters — Vaca- tions, decisions, rules, curfews, serious illness, “. . . Teen cooks family surprise dinner . . . money problems. Teen mows neighbor’s lawn without ❑ Controversial issues— Sex, lifestyles, drugs. being asked . . . Teen completes homework ❑ Emotional issues— Parents’ feelings about on time!” them and other things. ❑ Big whys—Why do people go hungry? Why is there war? Other philosophical issues. — Are these headlines that ❑ The future—Work, college, making plans for their life describe YOUR teenager? beyond the current home. ❑ Current affairs—World and community happenings. ❑ Personal interest—Sports, hobbies, friends. ❑ Parents themselves—What were parents like at their night, which is generally not allowed, find out if there is a age, stories that show parents are real. reason that concerns homework, school activities, or other arguments before flatly saying no. Of course having Myth Four consistent limits is important as well. Encourage teens to develop a sound argument. Encourage them to tell the If I don’t get control of my child now, I difference between what they want and what they need. may be sorry later. This is good practice for them and allows a more exten- Depending on the level of previous interaction with your sive and less emotional discussion. Then listen and child (see Myth Two), this may be true. But CONTROL consider what was said before responding. may not be the right term. Instead, it is critical to seek a STRATEGY—Set clear, reasonable limits. A teen who balance between parental control and teen control, says, “You are the most strict parents. I wish I had Alex’s realizing that teens are expanding their independence and parents,” is a teen who has limits. Respect your teen’s freedom. point of view and be willing to discuss rules. This hap- Youth are exposed to many more freedoms today than pens best when the argument has not become heated. when their parents were young. There is more unsuper- Take a break before continuing by saying, “Let’s take vised time with parents working. There is greater access about 10 minutes to cool down, then we will discuss this to information via television and the Internet than ever together.” This will allow both of you to consider what before. Parents have a complex job being a filter to these you will say and will take some of the heat out of the influences. argument. Parents and other adults must understand the STRATEGY—Listen and reflect. importance of eliminating emotion from the discussion Listen to your child’s request. Evaluate the request based and leave personality out of the discussion. Many teens on their maturity and ability to manage decisions. Quickly will argue for the sake of arguing. Arguing gives them saying “No!” at each request and not listening for more practice in defending their position and can be a construc- details will create problems. Hear out their request and tive learning technique. see if there is a reason behind it. For example, if a 13- Involving the teen in the decision does not take away a year-old wants to sleep at a friend’s house on a school parent’s power, but helps to create a balance of power and control. Allowing teens to have some control in this way ❑ Confirmation: Confirmation is verifying someone’s lets them know they are important and valued and CAN worth. It involves naming something admirable in the indeed work with you through important life decisions. teen and encouraging the development of that trait. ❑ Building trust is a process. Continuing trust is critical to Myth Five not misusing what has been shared. Teens are moody, rebellious, and never ❑ Practice caring for others through caring talk, finding serious. the best in others, and building the relationship. Instead of believing the worst, look at the positive aspects These caring traits are a basis for good moral develop- of teen years. Teens are curious, imaginative, and have ment and caring behaviors toward siblings, friends, and many new ideas about the world. This stage is a time of parents. remarkable social and mental growth. There are certainly many physical changes during this time, but the effects of Summary these changes depend on the social, personality, and The most effective parents set high standards and are temperament factors of the child. Adolescents are now demanding but wrap this approach with warmth, love, and capable of complex reasoning and thinking. Given guided involvement. Some parents say: practice, youth can make thoughtful decisions. “I don’t have time.” STRATEGY—Look for the positive aspects of budding development while modeling what you want. “They are not as cute and cuddly as when they were Youth are interested in information about relationships, younger.” and yes—even their bodies. If parents are not willing to “I don’t have any problems out of my younger children.” provide it, other sources such as television, the Internet, or friends will fill in. Youth are interested in exploring the “I don’t like the person he is becoming.” unknown. Be willing to talk, answer questions, and help Each of these arguments can be met with effective them join acceptable community activity groups. Teens strategies and a little understanding: are ready to “try on” adult behaviors. Be a positive model ❑ Schedule time. Studies show teens want to spend from early ages. Stay connected to their friends and know more time—not less—with their families. Put your where they go when you are not with them. heart into it. When it comes to influencing youth, the things parents say may not be as important as the things parents do. If ❑ Accept this stage by making your expectations known. parents expect children to let them know where they are Granted, children grow larger with age, and they may going, when they will be home, and how they can be develop acne and experiment with their hairstyle and reached, parents need to model this behavior by providing clothing. But pick the biggest arguments and let some this same information to their children. If parents want things be a part of the teenager’s learning process. their children not to use foul language or to have good ❑ Take care not to exclude your teen because he/she is manners, then parents should model good manners and becoming independent while younger children are still acceptable wording with their children and with adults. more dependent. Their needs just differ. They both need attention—but in different ways. Myth Six ❑ Accept your teen as an individual. Children often Teens don’t care about others. model what they are exposed to. The traits we least like in ourselves often are mirrored through our To develop a caring teen, we must also model and children. Recognize this and address it in yourself and practice CARING through caring talk and confirmation. in conversations with your teen. Parents can’t simply ❑ Modeling: Modeling is acting the way you want your create the child, but they can guide and love them for teens to act. Teens mirror the behavior back to us. who they are. ❑ Caring talk is the chance to question WHY. It connects us to each other. Using open-ended questions (What do you think about...? Why do you think they acted that way? How could we figure this out?) is good practice in understanding and listening to others. For additional information, refer to one or more of these Internet sites. ❑ Internet sites for parents of adolescents and teens Advocates for Youth: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/ CYFERNet fun stuff for kids: http://www.cyfernet.org/youth.html CYFERNet resources for parents: http://www.cyfernet.org/parents.html Teen Pregnancy Prevention: http://www.teenpregnancy.org/ Girl Power: http://www.health.org/gpower/ Search Institute: http://www.search-institute.org/ Focus Adolescent Services: http://members.tripod.com/FocusStretch/Main.html National Institute on Out of School Time: http://www.wellesley.edu/WCW/CRW/SAC/niost.html Boystown Common Sense Parenting: http://www.parenting.org/ National School-age Care Alliance: http://www.nsaca.org/ ❑ Great sites for kids and parents American Library Association: http://www.ala.org/parentspage/greatsites/ Brockwell Medical Group: http://www.brockmed.freeserve.co.uk/teenagers.html
References Small, S. A. (1990). Preventive programs that support Carnegie Corporation (1995). Great transitions: Preparing families with adolescents. CarnegieWorking paper: adolescents for a new century. New York. Washington, DC. Elkind, D. (1984). All Grown up and No Place to Go. NY: Steinberg, L. and Levine, A. (1987). You and Your Adolescent. Addison Wesley Publishing. Harper Perennial: NY Hammer, T. J. and Turner, P. H. (1990). Parenting in a Tralle, M. (1997). Monitoring Tips for Parents. Minnesota Contemporary Society. Boston: Allyn Bacon. Extension Service. Online Document Simon M.M. (1995). How to parent your tweenager. Thomas
These exercises can stretch the ideas from this fact sheet for extended learning when groups of parents of teens are together :
❑ At the beginning of the teaching, brainstorm parental perceptions (myths) about teens. Then address each one. Many will be similar to the ones included in this fact sheet.
❑ Have parents give examples from their families about each of the myths.
❑ Give parents a chance to air their concerns in small groups as you introduce the topic. This avoids interruptions with pressing personal stories later.
❑ Use David Elkind’s book All Grown Up and No Place to Go to excerpt scenarios and stories he so eloquently uses to illustrate developmental aspects of youth.
❑ When talking to parents about listening, take this chance to practice listening skills in pairs. Discuss communication and how “noise” interferes with communication. Noise can come in the form of being preoccupied or being too busy.
Prepared by Karen DeBord, Ph.D.,State Extension Specialist, Child Development
5,000 copies of this public document were printed at a cost of $xxx, or $.xx per copy.
Published by NORTH CAROLINA COOPERATIVE EXTENSION SERVICE 4/99–5M–DSB/KEL FCS-422
E99 39127