Parenting Teens Positive stories about teens rarely make it into the headlines. But, believe it or not, nine in 10 teens do not get into trouble. Do we hear about those in the news?! ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ hether children are toddlers or teens, on more a role of counselor. The warmth, Wpreparing for parenting challenges is affection, and positive communication of a tough! The difficulty with teens is that they counselor, however, must be balanced with are becoming much larger, much more the teen’s need to be independent and in verbal, and are able to fight battles more on charge. One researcher found that teens an adult level. They may experiment with seek information from friends on social risk taking, and the stakes are higher than at events, dating, joining clubs, and other any other developmental stage to this point. social life aspects while they turn to their Teens do not turn into teens overnight. parents for information on education, career There are three phases of adolescence that plans, and money matters. include the teen years: preadolescence (age During late adolescence, there are many 9 to 13), middle adolescence (age 14 to 16) decisions to be made. Teens are beginning and late adolescence (age 17 to 20). to disengage, and they often prepare to During preadolescence, children feel leave home about the same time their disorganized, and their growth is rapid and parents are reflecting on their own lives and uneven. They are not quite adolescents yet needs. At this time, authority with children because their sexual maturity has not fully is redefined and there is a gradual shift completed, and they are often referred to as toward economic and emotional indepen- tweens, meaning between the stages of dence. A new adult-adult relationship must childhood and teen years. Children try to emerge. meet the expectations of both parents and Parenting is complex. Many factors friends. Parents of preadolescents may feel affect outcomes in children. Personal less ready to face the new challenges than resources, the characteristics of the child, when their children were younger. They may and the stress or support parents get from Distributed in furtherance feel more worried about the number of school, family, and community all enter into of the Acts of Congress of dangerous situations and substances to the results. This fact sheet is a general May 8 and June 30, 1914. Employment and program which youth are exposed. Parents should guideline. opportunities are offered to meet this stage with warmth, fairness, and Good kids don’t suddenly go bad. Drug all people regardless of race, color, national origin, even a sense of humor. abuse, irresponsible and early sex, and teen sex, age, or disability. North During middle adolescence, children opposition to authority are all preventable Carolina State University, North Carolina A&T State may go ballistic over a few extra pounds, acts. To understand more about teens, let’s University, U.S. Department hair that won’t stay in place, or fair-weather start by dispelling some of the myths. of Agriculture, and local governments cooperating. friends. During this time, parents may take Myth One Myth Two Peer pressure is at its worst during Teens prefer their friends to their adolescent and teen years. parents. Peer pressure is overrated, and it can be a positive force. As children begin school they spend less time with Generally, adolescents choose friends with similar values parents, and their friends become more important. Youth and tastes to theirs; however, parents still retain the major begin to create their own identity through what they do, influence over the child’s life. Research shows that where they go, and who they know. Often teens with low parents who monitor their children can help prevent a self-esteem or high anxiety will seek a “quick fix” of number of risky behaviors, including alcohol use, sexual approval from a peer group. However, if children have activity, delinquency, and other misconduct. Monitoring been given strategies early in life to deal with tough also gives children the message that with increasing decisions, they will be able to face these tests with good privileges comes increasing responsibilities. results. Early in life, children should be given smaller decisions STRATEGY—Parental monitoring means establishing to make (which shirt to wear, which game to play, how to guidelines and limits for your child in order to keep track of arrange their room). Children who have been allowed to what is going on in his or her social world. It means experiment with and learn that decisions have conse- knowing: quences are better able as teens to make tougher ❑ where your kids are decisions! Parents who always TELL their children what ❑ who they are with to do and control their behavior with no choice by the child are preparing their children to listen to others ❑ what kinds of activities have been planned without ever developing an inner voice to guide them for ❑ how they will get there and back again a lifetime. Parental monitoring also means making expectations STRATEGY—Stay involved and connected. clear with the child about what to do in an emergency. But Talk and listen to your children. Know their friends, their parental monitoring does not mean demanding obedience, school experience, and what their world is like. Parents attempting to control a child’s choices and behavior, or busy with work and children busy with school activities imposing a parent’s will on the child. have very little time to interact. That’s why it takes special While children may complain that parents “don’t trust effort. Here are some suggestions for connecting with them” or that they are being unreasonable, there is your child: security in knowing that parents care enough to ask. ❑ Parents need to understand that monitoring is an impor- Be a sounding board. Make it clear that you are willing tant right and responsibility of parenting. to listen. If you wait until the teen years to begin monitoring it ❑ Use everyday family activities to stay close. Making will feel too much like you are trying to control them. dinner, running errands, taking a walk can all be turned into Teens will turn the issue into a power struggle. So start quality family time. monitoring children early in ways that are age appropriate. ❑ Build in extra time to “check-in” at bedtime. Do not This will help children accept this as a part of life. Teenag- assume your child has outgrown this important bedtime ers need increasing freedom to begin their road to ritual. independence and they need parents who monitor their ❑ behavior in a respectful and appropriate way. Starting Use notes, bulletin boards, and even e-mail to commu- early may be the best strategy, but it is never too late to nicate with each other. begin. ❑ Get to know your child’s friends by inviting them to Since you cannot always be around to monitor chil- your home and on family outings. dren, family rules will help parents monitor their children when they are out of sight. A phone call to a parent at Myth Three home or at work at an agreed-upon time or when plans change will help parents know where their children are. If My teen won’t talk to me. I can’t get him the parent is not available by phone, a neighbor or relative or her to open up. can serve as the connection. Teenagers like to talk. But they must have a willing listener. If simply asked, “How was your day?” by a parent who listens only halfway and responds “uh huh,” teens will begin to seek more willing listeners. If all that is said is “clean your room,” or “look at me when I am talking to you!” then teens will begin to tune out. There must be a balance between routine chatter and deeper talk. When psychologist Torey Hayden asked several hundred teens what they wished they could talk with their parents about, they named: ❑ Family matters — Vaca- tions, decisions, rules, curfews, serious illness, “. Teen cooks family surprise dinner . money problems. Teen mows neighbor’s lawn without ❑ Controversial issues— Sex, lifestyles, drugs. being asked . Teen completes homework ❑ Emotional issues— Parents’ feelings about on time!” them and other things. ❑ Big whys—Why do people go hungry? Why is there war? Other philosophical issues. — Are these headlines that ❑ The future—Work, college, making plans for their life describe YOUR teenager? beyond the current home. ❑ Current affairs—World and community happenings. ❑ Personal interest—Sports, hobbies, friends. ❑ Parents themselves—What were parents like at their night, which is generally not allowed, find out if there is a age, stories that show parents are real. reason that concerns homework, school activities, or other arguments before flatly saying no. Of course having Myth Four consistent limits is important as well. Encourage teens to develop a sound argument. Encourage them to tell the If I don’t get control of my child now, I difference between what they want and what they need. may be sorry later. This is good practice for them and allows a more exten- Depending on the level of previous interaction with your sive and less emotional discussion. Then listen and child (see Myth Two), this may be true. But CONTROL consider what was said before responding. may not be the right term. Instead, it is critical to seek a STRATEGY—Set clear, reasonable limits. A teen who balance between parental control and teen control, says, “You are the most strict parents. I wish I had Alex’s realizing that teens are expanding their independence and parents,” is a teen who has limits.