I Was Not Indefferenr I Will

Home , Get Over Me, I Need to Wake Up

iMessage with +1 (206) 816-5231 5/26/19, 206 AM Since you can't block me, I have to block you. I can't stand the indifference

What do you mean?

I was not indefferenr

I will remove your number from Mallory's phone so she won't text you. Please don't text her

I want their to be a friendly outcome

Please donʼt react out of emotion right now

You want friendly for your own means. I'm really done being used

I can't believe you're telling me not to react out of emotion

Your angry and hurt

You literally ended us in the most painful way I've experienced out of inability to temper your emotions

Which time?

When do you feel it ended?

Every time

The last two months

Last Sunday i felt pushed into a corner.

I'm friendly even with Holly. You're literally the only person I've ever dated that I don't feel like I can be friendly with

You were my best friend

I'm not friends with her, but I'm friendly

I don't want to hear that I was your best friend. You decided to cut me out of your life, so if that's so then even friendship doesn't mean much to you ❤

can we just put this conversation on hold right now and come back to it?

Why?

I really don't want to lose you from my life completely. I know I made you feel like that.

You just want to keep the parts of me that benefit you.

I hope there are parts of me that benefit you

Goodbye Sarah. I deleted your number on Sunday and deleted our conversation history. Tonight I need to cut it off the rest of the way.

Tomorrow I have to tell Mallory so that I'm not telling her and then sending her right back to her mom.

Goodbye John. I will always be grateful that you were part of my life.

Gratitude is another one of those words that can mean birth feeling and action.

Both

You haven't showed gratitude for a really long time

I should have never offered to talk to you tonight. Another in a long history of getting shit on

You can hate me more this way

I'm sorry, I'm upset

Yeah. Hate will be easier to cope with than love. If only I could be as indifferent as you then I'd really be set

I can't believe you deleted my number

I can't believe you deleted us

Ouch

I'm so frustrated because I want to be able for things to be friendly between us

I don't know how to do that

I am so drowsy

I need to sleep

It's not because I'm.indifferent

My eyelids are closing and I'm. Shutting down.

And what would you do if any of your close friends said "Sarah, I don't want to be close to you anymore. I want to believe friendly so our kids can see each other, but I don't want to see you"

You would tell them no thanks and move on

Could we have a friendship?

I can't believe you deleted our texts

I'm slow to process

How in the fuck is that supposed to work? You want to tell me about your day and talk and text... What we had was as partners

Okay so this is the only solution right now

Goodnight John

It's not a solution, it's a result. It didn't have to be this way, but it is now.

Goodbye

Then why did you even offer talking????

Ahhhhhhhhhh

I want to scream

Goodbye

Because for some fucked up reason I keep loving you, even when you don't love me in return. That's my fucking curse

Well for some reason I'm still attached to you Not that I can tell

Fuck that

Explain why we're still talking after 3 hours

Honestly, it's probably because you can't stand the idea of someone experiencing you a different way than you see yourself

I don't think so

But it fits your narrative

Maybe it's time I start rewriting mine to focus on all the bad things about you too

I've only told my friends a small portion

Maybe if you want to

That's what you did to me. Seems to have helped you

You know what I thought recently. Why you never took photos of me

What?

It's stupid

Nevermind

The question you should ask yourself is why I hardly took photos at all while I was dating you

Why?

Because I loved you more than photography. The passion I've had since I was 12. When I was with you, you were enough for me. The only times in our relationship that I really took many photos at all were times that I was escaping the pain

But even pics on you phone

I don't take a lot with my phone I don't take a lot with my phone

And I did take a lot up until and including in Banff

On my phone

With my go pro

Maybe your right - for trips and stuff

I just scrolled back thru several months and I have almost as many of you as I do of Mallory

Really?

I didn't think we had a lot

So whatever story you're telling yourself is not true

Okay

I don't have a ton of Mallory either

I would have taken sexy photos of you... but I was really hoping that one day you would have another photographer take some as a gift to me

That was the plan...

Now I'm fat anyways

Well not far. Round

You know what I think

I know. You're kind.

But it's contributing to my unhappiness

It's not out of kindness.

I believe you

Part of me was hoping that when I said we could talk you would have come over

My dad was still awake

You could have told him that you were going to go for a drive or go grab some extra cold medicine Or told him the truth that you were going to come talk to me

Would talking in person have been better?

I don't know

I feel like talking in person usually is best

I've come.to appreciate writing sometimes

Come talk to me.

I can't now - the girls will ljkelu wake up at some point because there sleep has been super shitty

Ok. I shouldn't have said it

No filter is okay

But you can take it back

Just come for a little bit. You'll be gone an hour

Nobody will know you went missing

If we all werent do sick

I'm drowsy

And I'm okay Lucy will wake again

It will cause problems

Sure not okay

Im sure Lucy will wake again

I meant

So.... Should we sleep on things or do you still want to cut it off all the way?

I can't have what I want

K I need to sleep because Iʼm like a potato right now �

A tired potatoe with only one zorʼing. Ostril

Working nostril again

I'm sure you still look good though

Of course. Im in my sexy dragon onesie

It shows off my figure

Rawr

I'm so fucked in the head. I haven't had any motivation to jerk off all week, but the moment we have any communication I get horny

Thatʼs not drzgon sound

Hahahah. Itʼs my effect on you

It wasn't even a positive conversation

Itʼs like Pavlov dog - just my presence

Was last week really one of the top times for you?

Yes! That was excellent.

I even had marks and bruises ;)

Are you horny now?

Where are you?

My room

Slightly now that you have asked

Show me

Send me a pic

Your turn

� � �

Did you like last time?

Yes.

A lot

Show me

I'm concentrating on now

Concentrate on that

It was an account I made about vegetarian cooking because I wanted to get into food blogging but never really pursued it. I guess I feel embarrassed about telling you that.

And now I canʼt spy

Goodnight

Just tell me

I have a few accounts I don't use

Motherofveggies. I was into GOT and was inspired by mother of dragons

Cute

I have tacobarkley but didn't really use it

I havenʼt even watched got season end

Last season I mean

It was good

Amanda still follows me and likes my posts. I find it strange

Why? Why?

Would you expect her to unfollow?

Or the liking part is strange

Yeah. The minute Daniel told me his wife was leaving him I unfollowed her

Both are strange

I donʼt know where she things we are

With things

Thinks

I guess it's also weird to me that she goes out of her way to be nice to your ex too. I'm more in the Sheli and Krithika camp

I just blew a bunch of snot out my nose

Im going to get some sleep before the girls wake up!!!!

Ok. Night

Night

5/26/19, 202 PM Hi. How are you?

Not bad

Yummmmmmm

How are you?

Congested, but not bad. Shopping with my mom at Nordstrom rack.

What about the girls? �

Are you at Lincoln Square?

Factorial

Factoria. I completely forgot about the Lincoln square one

I wonder if thatʼs better

No girls

Theyʼre with grampy

Mom wouldnʼt allow them ;)

Mother daughter time?

Yup. It was her one ask of the trip.

We just got to the dog park

It turned out to be a beautiful day

Muddy though

5/26/19, 406 PM Maybe you should get some father/daughter time in too

I usually donʼt think of that so itʼs a good idea

Dad's need connection with their daughters too ;)

We did face masks with my dad. Iʼd send you the pic but he might hate me for that

He can smoke cigars with me if he needs something manly to do after that

Lol

5/26/19, 639 PM Sofia knows for a fact weʼve been in the hot tub naked together apparently.

�

She spies

Did she tell your parents that?

No to me and and Lucy. I hope she doesnʼt bring it up again

Just about to hop in hot tub now...

With or without clothes?

With

My familyʼs not great close

That

I'm not quite as jealous then

Hopefully it's not 107 again

Itʼs a mild 100

Not bad

You would like our dad joke game Lucyʼs playing

Sounds like a game I would win

I miss the girls

I miss us doing stuff

I wish things were different. Spending nice days as a family were some of the best moments in my life

5/26/19, 1000 PM

What's up?

It feels like you go silent right after I'm vulnerable

It made me happy and sad to read what you wrote It made me happy and sad to read what you wrote earlier

Sorry for going silent

It's fine

What are you doing?

Smoking a cigar and playing on the iPad

Roof?

Bathroom

What are you doing?

Getting kids to bed. Up late watching Mary Poppins

We were up late watching Percy Jackson

Was it good?

Mallory likes it

This is the state of my room

Wow

I've had no motivation

My room is actually cleaner than yours

I bet! That's awesome

You should see it

It was very tidy last time I saw it This melts my heart

They didn't know they were coming?

That's sweet

No I wanted to surprise them

Maximum comfort

There's still room for one more

Your room is definitely tidier!

What are you watching?

Billions

Im going to watch sneaky pete

Watch it over here

I need to sleep early tonight - catch up from last night.

I have to drive and be alert tomorrow

Ok. Maybe another time

Okay

Have you watched the new season

You're going to watch tonight?

Just the last 15 minutes of an episode likely

Im on épisode 4 Are you not coming because you have to sleep or because you don't want to?

Because I want to sleep early

But I also wouldnʼt leave without telling my parents in case the kids wake up

Well have fun in Leavenworth. On another path we would have been going with you

I had that thought

Im looking forward to it

Plans tomorrow? It will be hot.

Not really. Dog park with Jason in the morning

I like the song at the end of the episode https://open.spotify.com/album/5l2Ts5Hd4BN2O28r ZksznR?si=K7LMw9gLQpCFqVb9oGF9lA

Going to bed. Goodnight

5/27/19, 915 AM Sorry, I fell asleep

I just woke up. Itʼs like we are in reverse

Yeah, now I can't really see myself with someone who sleeps in so late

I understand how absurd that sounds

Sleeping in, messy house, spending lots of money, issues at work, not living/eating healthy... so many reasons we aren't compatible

Kinda makes you wonder what we ever saw in each other ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh my god. You described me I didn't come up with that description

And don't even get me started on the smoking

I'll stop. I think my point has been made :)

I'm thinking about getting a boat instead of a trailer

5/27/19, 156 PM Make it up there yet?

5/27/19, 338 PM Made it. Its gorgeous. Heaven.

I'm really sad that we aren't there with you. Maybe this isn't a good idea

I feel confused

By what I said?

My feelings about everything

When you said this isnʼt a good idea - do you mean talking to each other?

Maybe we should stop?

Yes. Talking to each other

I think your friends would agree

Yes

So would yours

Yes

So clean break then

Ok...this is hard. It felt nice to see your face the other day.

Not that hard. You didn't respond to me for 4 days last week

You felt at peace, remember?

All I have to do is stop and we will both move on. You haven't fought for us in a really long time... I'm the one that keeps getting us into this mess

I just need to get myself right

I donʼt feel right

I donʼt have good cell here

Yeah. Just wish you didn't feel like you had to push me away to do it

Up until last week I really thought we could work things out by my birthday. That's why I scheduled the Vegas trip for end of June... I wanted to spend my birthday weekend with you.

Well, have fun. I didn't mean to put a damper on your trip.

Im sorry Im like this

One day you'll see that you can be whatever you want to be

I don't want to feel like shit while you are silent, so I'm going to delete the text conversation again and ask that we go back to email only.

Not that email is needed. We just need a clean break for everyone

Okay

Bye

At least it shouldn't be too hard to find someone that cares more

5/27/19, 624 PM My dumb ass didn't tell Mallory this weekend because I wasn't sure what to tell her about staying friends with the girls. Suffice it to say no play dates, no FaceTime, no birthday parties.

Lucy wanted her at her party.

I understand if clean break is best

Clean break is the only option you've left

I donʼt even know what happened this week.

You donʼt need to respond. Itʼs okay.

What happened is what always happens. I look for love and find indifference. You reach out for connection and I give it. I reach out for connection and you reject me

You use me when you want me, and then don't give a shit about me when you don't

Oh, that too. The silence.

The silence today or this week?

Yes

Well I just had a huge blowout with my mom for spending too much time on my phone. I canʼt make anyone happy. Fml.

Bye

Guess I'm not the only one that you hurt and then fight with.

Letʼs go back to email. If you change your mind about the party let me know

I won't.

I hope for your sake that you can get past your own anger and self doubt to see that when you hurt people, having compassion heals you and them. Every time you choose your feelings above the people you care about, you hurt yourself in the long run... and destroy relationships along the way. You are making yourself unhappy.

Ha, and you blocked me Ha, and you blocked me

5/27/19, 917 PM Im not indifferent

I am angry, youʼre right

And Iʼm angry about today

Your anger destroys everything around you

Do you think you are angry too?

I was mad about the silent comment. I was talking with you today. I had poor reception. I was also trying to explore with my family. I was giving you my attention.

Of course I'm angry. I'm one of the people you keep destroying

You could have told me that you were driving and couldn't text. You could have told me that you are exploring and give me your attention when you got back. Instead you don't communicate and you go silent

Youʼre right I could have been more explicit. But you know Iʼm here with my family and I told you I donʼt have good cell here in my text.

Whatever. Keep denying. I can see when the texts go thru and are delivered

Denying what?

"But you know Iʼm here with my family and I told you I donʼt have good cell here in my text."

But negates everything prior

I donʼt get it

I donʼt want to fight you

Well your two modes are fighting and fleeing.

I can also be normal sometimes

The only person you need to fight is yourself. But �

The only person you need to fight is yourself. But that's the only person you refuse to fight

Itʼs something that will likely take time

There is a pattern. You fought with your ex, your mom, your kids, and me. The people who are closest to you.

it will only take as much time as you decide

I feel like pushed by you

And by your mom and by your kids. But guess what? Healthy relationships push each other... your fight needs to be against your need to fight against feeling pushed by the people who care about you

I get your point

Also, when you allow yourself to be nudged/pushed by people you care about, the pushing is gentle. When you attack them, they will either leave or push harder

It goes back to my defensiveness

Your right

Youʼre *

Need to get girls to bed...

I donʼt want to keep the spin cycle going. But I donʼt want you to think silence means indifference. It sometimes might but not always. I think weʼve both made assumptions when we shouldnʼt have.

Sarah, when you're not open and honest, assumptions are all that's left

I bounce between being angry/hurt and feeling sad for you. I see you trying to protect yourself, but you are destroying yourself.

In what way do you think Iʼm destroying myself?

I'll answer, but I think it will be better for you to ask yourself I think we view me protecting myself, the effects of it, differently. I donʼt want to argue though.

Iʼm still trying to process what happened today

Ok. You'll only see what you want to see. I hope I've at least planted some seeds that will help you later in life

I love you. My cousin pointed out that I have to think about what all of this will do to Mallory. I have to be strong for her, and that means letting go. I told you when we first met that I want a relationship that I would be proud for Mallory to imitate. This isn't it. Sticking things out when they are tough- I want Mallory to have that. Inability to face your own issues and pushing away the people that care the most- I can't think of much that would be worse

I imagine that you are shutting down now. Letting your anger and defense control you. I can emphasize how much I love you. You might be breaking the cycle with us, but you're perpetuating the cycle that torments you.

I am laying with Sofia

Ok. I've said my peace.

I love you John. I always have. But the relationship causes me more stress and pressure that I can take on right now. I am working to manage the stress and pressure of my work and kids. While you provide me comfort, the relationship has inflicted a high degree of stress on me. I donʼt know how we went from having what I thought was a really beautiful moment at the end of it FaceTime call to everything today, only 1.5 days later. When Iʼm with you in person i feel calmness and comfort but our text conversations are not like that. I canʼt quite put my finger on it. Have we had any fights in person that were as bad as over text? You donʼt have to answer. I just have no idea what the hell happened today?!?! Im not sure what you expected of me that I failed you on?!?! Again, you donʼt have to answer, I will try and work it out. I almost wish we had an agreement not to text about our issues with each other and keep those to in person conversations. I like the thoughtfulness behind the written word but....I just donʼt know. More for me to process.

I thought it was interesting you mentioned about planting seeds for me - because something I was thinking about was the seeds you may have planted about our incompatibility from almost the beginning - somehow Iʼve been reminded by inception and have started listening to the soundtrack. Iʼd like to believe my mind is stronger than that.

Alas, we keep spinning - itʼs insanity. I think itʼs time for us both to let go. You are not the only one hanging on to something here, even though you are the only one fighting for it.

Sarah, what happened today is you went silent on me. You were somewhere wonderful that we should have been together. You went silent last week. You went silent yesterday. You went silent today. I reach out for connection and you aren't there.

Yes last week. Today I couldnʼt place my finger on when I thought I went silent

It hurts that we aren't doing things together. That you've pushed me away so much. That you treat me like I don't matter.

It hurts that you don't take ownership and say things like "I'm sorry I'm like this" instead of "I need help, but I own it and I am determined to get better".

It hurts when I feel like I need to let go, you say "ok" as though you don't give a shit. That you don't fight for me.

How can you say that you are hanging on in the same sentence that you say I'm the only one fighting for it?

Here?

Sorry I meant to paste something

Yes. Last year we would have been going to Leavenworth with you

I meant here? And was going to paste a text snapshot but my photos are broken

You went silent when I said I was thinking of getting a boat. It took you almost 2 hours to respond when I asked if you had made it

That was because I was driving

I wanted to ask about your boat!

That's the point. If you had said that you were driving, it wouldn't have felt like you were going silent

I didnʼt see it until I arrived

It was a shitshow with the kids this morning

The boat text was sent within 3 minutes of your text. You could have said then that you were about to get on the road

I honestly didnʼt see it

I struggled with the kids

Sarah. If you were getting in the car and knew you wouldn't be able to text for several hours, then you should say it.

We had just been texting

How many times have I said in the last several days that it hurts when you go silent?

My phone froze and rebooted. Itʼs messed up

Yes I should have texted you that. I didnʼt.

I know. I try and set expectations when I need to leave my phone.

But I didnʼt today

I just want you to know that the girls (Lucy especially) have been particularly hard on me. With us all being sick and them not sleeping well. I was completely consumed this morning by the fight getting us in the car. Everything else fell by the wayside.

Iʼm sorry for forgetting about you in the midst of the chaos

I'm sorry the girls have been hard. You know I love them and have done my best to be there for you with them

Lucy has been acting like a baby - really immature and Sofia said something really bad to me just before we left. I know weʼre all extra cranky when weʼre sick but I need to work with them on improving their behavior. Thanks, yes youʼve been supportive.

This is a tangent Iʼm sorry for changing subject

I don't want to diminish the struggle you're having with them. Could it be that they have anxiety? They aren't old enough to articulate what they are struggling with. It's possible that they are having a harder time with us breaking up than you realize

It could be my unhappiness

It could be the breakup

It could be being sick for 2 weeks

It's not just us that lost something. Sofia asked when we were going to get married

I need to talk to her when we have alone time to see how sheʼs dealing with it

With both of them

Lucy really liked me being around. I think Sofia did too

I know, they grew quite fond of you

I need to sleep some because I expect weʼll be up between 6-7. Weʼre all in one room.

And I donʼt want to drive tired ❤

And I donʼt want to drive tired

I donʼt know how to leave things...

I don't either. I don't know how to fix this. Not alone.

Letʼs just say goodnight for now?

Or clean break

What do you want?

I donʼt want to work on the relationship now. I want to work on myself.

But I donʼt want to never talk to you ever again

Then it's a clean break

Thatʼs fair

No email?

No. The point of a clean break is that it's over. Nothing

Think we can do it?

Never mind

That question

You can't say that you don't want to work on things but still keep me in your life. You can't say that you don't want to stop hurting me but keep me around and keep hurting me

Yes I think we can do it. I can block you everywhere and delete your number. I can tell Mallory and never go back

Block me after this text please. Block me everywhere. Delete me. Please donʼt forget about me though. Goodbye.

That's why I have to. You won't fight for me That's why I have to. You won't fight for me

I understand

You so quickly decide that I'm not worth keeping around

I forgive you. Let me go.

Forgive me for what?

For the therapy fight

Letʼs not start again. Weʼre at the end of this now.

You can't say that and to let you go at the same time

I don't believe you forgive me, but I will do as you ask

Tell me again that's what you want and I won't say a word

Goodbye

Tell me again what you want

Say goodbye to me

Say goodnight darlin one last time

I say that to Mallory. I said that to you when I thought you loved me too. I'm not going to say it to someone who throws me away

Okay

Then donʼt say anything. Just delete me now.

Remember this

I hope it hurts you as much as it hurts me.

But fuck you. At least remember that much. Fuck you for throwing me away.

Make up as many stories about me as you can. Tell everyone what an ass I am. Tell everyone that my last words were fuck you. But you know the truth and you won't be able to run and hide from it forever

I wonʼt make up stories. I will tell everyone the truth. You loved me and fought so hard, and in the end the issue was with me. I wish to God you didnʼt hate me. But I know you likely do.

There is no god.

I have no idea why I even used that expression

As soon as I hit send i thought it was bizarre

I couldn't hate you if I didn't love you. But yes, hate and rage are filling me up.

Your ex was right about one thing at least. You are careless.

You push away the person that has loved you more than anyone else in this world. All because you don't care. You couldn't care less

This is what is self destructive

But I decide to stop fighting for someone who won't even put up the slightest struggle in return

This is not self destructive. Iʼm trying to protect myself.

We disagee on this I know.

Ok. My fight is over

If there was no struggle I would be still attached and talking.

Wouldnʼt

Anyhow Iʼll stop

Okay

Iʼm going to sleep. Yes I feel pain too. It hurts. Iʼm crying. Goodnight. Hurt is not the same as struggle or fight

You really went from the person I saw myself spending the rest of my life with to the person that made me feel most worthless. I'm more likely to talk to my parents than you after this all these fights make me start seeing things differently too

Iʼm getting angry and I donʼt want to hate you

Oh, but you already do

You've down that clearly enough

Or worse. You've shown that you're indifferent

Fine being angry will keep us away from each other

I hate texting

We just have so many fights

We have been reduced to texting because you keep saying you don't want to see me.

Fuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk. I wish I could just go int the woods and fuxking scream

We've always fought over text. Always.

And we both can't stop

Even now

Fuck that. I'm the only one who has tried

To stop?

Yes. In the last two months I've been the only one fighting for us

Right

I need to sleep. I'm going to put my phone down.

Then I'm blocking. I'm not spending another night wishing that you will see things more clearly in the morning K

Fuck you

I canʼt talk right now

Why do you hate me so much?

I woke my mom.up. Im sandwich between kids

I don't hate you

And all you had to do was move to the bathroom

Fucking hateful

My mom.is beside bathroom

I can hear everyome duxkknf breathing

If you wanted to be able to talk to me you could

I suck

I'm awduk

I'm careless

You couldn't even fight enough to talk

I'm shitty

I'm.hatedul

I'm a Bitch

I'm a monster

I'm undeserving

You're a self pity victim that would rather keep being a victim than just stop

I should be by myself for ever

Fuck off

Yeah

Get fucking mad at me. You couldn't even fucking move out of your bed to talk Hurt me, hurt your mom, hurt your fucking kids because none of us matter to you more than your own fucking self

Im. Shutting off my phone so I can fuxkinf go into my dark abyss now.

Goodnight.

Fuck you

I don't want to talk

I want to be left alone

Most hateful person I've ever met

Fuck you

Keep telling me John

I won't forget about it

Good. Don't forget how hateful you are

Feed my black soul

I'm going to find your ex and ask him if this is how you treated him

Youre mean

Not nearly as mean as you are

We should stop

Being mean

I understand why he was so spiteful

You feel spite?

I feel hate.

You can rage in my face

Yeah, that would turn you on. No thanks Wtf

You think I got turned on when my ex would rage iny fucking face?

Fuxk you

I didn't say your ex

That was the connection I was making with my comment

Anyhow

The damage is getting worse

Let's end it now

Fuck you.

I'm sure I have his email somewhere in one of the emails you forwarded me

Please don't threaten that John

That's not who you are

Maybe it's not who he was either

Please don't make me lose that trust in you

Why do I care about your trust in me? I'm your trash

Okay. Have your spite. I hope it makes you feel better. I'll brace myself for whatever I have coming. I will no longer think of you as the man I once did.

Fuck you. You haven't been the woman I once knew. You haven't been for a long time

Fuck. I'm not going to talk to him. I'm so angry I'm shaking, but I'm not that person.

Damn you

Fucking reply at least

Did you block me? Did you block me?

I hate you

Thanks. I guess I've known it for some time now, but finally reading it from you makes me trust it

5/28/19, 855 AM Last night was awful :(

5/28/19, 1014 AM I don't hate you

5/28/19, 548 PM Sarah, your anger damages the people close to you. Yesterday you damaged me, your mom, and probably your kids. Love isn't about what you feel, it's about what you give. I don't believe you hate me. I don't believe that you love me. You show me indifference, and that's what I believe you have towards me. Your anger and coldness know no bounds.

I can't imagine how difficult your mom's addiction was for your dad. He chose love, your mom got help, and they are still together. She didn't have to abandon him for 3 months to get help. She didn't have to cut him out of her life.

I don't know what her time in rehab was like for you, or how her drinking affected you. Maybe you felt abandoned and now you choose to abandon. Whatever the cycle, you have to choose to break it... and once you decide to break it, you will. It might take time to get good at it, but it takes no time to try.

When your issues are important enough to face and work on, it won't matter who is in your life and who is close to you. When its important to you, you will change it. I don't know how many relationships you'll have to damage or destroy to get to that point. I hope it doesn't destroy your relationships with your daughters.

I'm confident that nobody in your life has loved you as much as I have, and you have destroyed that love. You have used me and threw me away.

As much as I have tried to make amends for my mistakes, you haven't even tried to do the same. I may not always know what to do, but I do something.

5/28/19, 718 PM Hi. I've read this. I don't know what to say at the moment and I'm going to spend some time with my parents this evening before they leave early morning.

5/28/19, 1109 PM Are you up late with them, or just not responding?

My mom and I are up working on the puzzle

I'm about to go to bed. I wasn't even going to respond to your text from this morning, I'm regretting doing it

I can't believe I spent any time at all writing to you. I should have blocked you last night

Goodbye

5/29/19, 128 AM I was up til almost 1am spending time with my mom and have been dealing with both my kids awake til now. I need to wake up in 3.5hours. I wanted to try and smooth things out but I struggle with the added pressure I keep feeling from you.

5/29/19, 1144 AM Still blocked?

Youʼre blocked on my phone, but for some reason your messages are coming through on my laptop

Okay. I'm sorry. I'll stop communicating.

Good. I donʼt want you ever in my or my daughterʼs life again.

That hurts me more than you likely know

Only you would still be focused on what you feel. Get the fuck over yourself. Youʼre a villain, not a victim. Youʼve been pushing me out of your life for months now.

Youʼve gotten your wish. Youʼve pushed hard enough.

5/30/19, 645 PM I wish I could understand. I want to hate you, but Iʼm just hurt.

“Who the Fuck Am I?”: The Ultimate Guide to Personal Values markmanson.net

5/31/19, 106 AM Still blocked?

5/31/19, 1112 AM Hi. How are you?

A little tired, but I'm good. How are you?

I woke up with a headache but it's fadinh

Fading

Do you have the girls this weekend?

Yes

Guess you won't be able to sleep it off until next week then ;)

I will try to! FYI. This one is 12 years old

Try something mid 80s

Early 80ʼs to late 70ʼs is in the ~50k range

*SALE* 1979 *Ferrari 308* GTS RWD seattle.craigslist.org

Thatʼs probably what he did

There is a specific year I think he wanted. But in the 80s

not what I would spend money on, but most people wouldn

wouldnʼt want to buy a van just to fit it out to a camper either

What do you mean?

Iʼm saying that I wouldnʼt spend money on a 40 year old car, but most people wouldnʼt spend money on what I like either.

So good for him if thatʼs what he likes

Yes. True.

I like clothes I guess

And vacations ☺

And vacations

Yes

Heading to lunch

Healthy or tasty? ;)

Donʼt know yet

5/31/19, 446 PM When is Lucy's party?

5/31/19, 641 PM June 15

Iʼm sooooo ready for the weekend.

It hasn't started yet?

Nope

That sucks.

I'm ready for a long weekend without a kid next weekend

That sounds great

I feel like staying up all night binge watching tv and eating ice cream. Iʼm leaving now.

I might do that

You should take an edible too

Maybe a glass of wine

I might enjoy the roof tonight

For now it's the sprinkler park next to the house

Is the water on? Yep

They turned it on memorial day I think

5/31/19, 1003 PM I just had an edible

I think you would like What/If on Netflix

6/1/19, 1219 AM I fell asleep during the movie

Sofia and her friend were still awake and me and Lucy were sleeping.

I thought you might have

Sleep over?

Yeah. I feel so terrible that I fell asleep.

I bet they were happy to be able to stay up

For sure. So much for my TV binging and ice cream night.

I feel like barfing

I ate a lot of sour patch kids

Mmmmm

I'm falling asleep

Goodnight

Night

6/1/19, 157 PM

Wow!!!!

Thanks for sharing

He still won't go out by himself

�

He still won't go out by himself

I'm impressed you went in. It must have been freezing

It got really cold when it hit the temperature gauge

My house is in such a disarray that I feel I cannot function

I'm going to try and tackle it but it's very overwhelming

Ugh. Ignore me. I'm just complaining.

Well, do something about it ;)

I got suckered into buying a foot massager at Costco

Tell me how you like once you try it

We tried it in the store and it's pretty great

It just vibrates

You'd probably just want to sit on it the whole time

MedMassager MMF06 11 Speed Foot Massager amazon.com �

This is me as a man

I look just like my brother

239$?

$199 at Costco

It shakes the house

In America we put the dollar sign first

Lazy

Did your friend ever say if she could get Molly?

I haven't talked to her in months

I kinda want some for next weekend

What do you have planned?

Nothing. Might go camping

I pinged her

Maybe I'll try the baby rosewood seeds

6/1/19, 833 PM For as much as drugs are supposed to be an epidemic, I sure can't find any

If you want Mallory to come to the party, I'll let her

I have no ideas

Ok. Let me check with Lucy

It's a magician partu Oh, I thought she wanted Mallory to come

She is so excited about it

She did but then when you said no parties/playdates I told Lucy we wouldn't see each other for a bit

If it's not a big deal to her, then maybe it would be better to not bring it up

I told Mallory today

How did that go?

She cried. I told her that we could still have play dates because I felt like I had to soften it

:( i feel for her. that must have been a hard talk :(

I think Sofia knew you came over

Did she hear us talking?

But I donʼt know if she heard anything. I certainly hope she didnʼt hear the last part

How do you know she knows?

She asked me something in the morning. I think - are you and John talking again? Or something like that.

I canʼt get out of bed right now. I wish I could get energy today.

What did you tell her?

I honestly donʼt remember what I answered but she knows we are texting

What are you up to?

Sitting with Mal watching a show

I told her she can sleep in my bed tonight

That will be nice

I feel like the kids have been coming into my bed I feel like the kids have been coming into my bed more often but Iʼm liking it

One day they wonʼt come in anymore

I dunno

If they will stop wanting to come in

Ha. Of course they will

They'll get all weird when they become teens

Maybe. One day for sure

Could be after they move out ;)

I really could be a sexy man

Yikes

I'm stringing up a new set of lights on the roof and getting high

Nice! Iʼm looking at cats to adopt

Are you ready for another cat?

Not yet

But isnʼt corndog cute?!

Looks scared

Want a friend for taco?

If he shits on my carpet one more time, taco might find himself on that site too

I need to figure out what I'm doing next weekend

Did you plan anything with Daniel?

Not yet

I was going to suggest maybe we go out for a non- romantic dinner.... I don't know.

You should go party and drink somewhere

Maybe go to the strip club

Not a bad idea

Last year we went to the strip club

I forgot that. I remember massages and sushi

Did we go there after sushi?

I think so

I just remember you taking me for my birthday That was a fun day

You could find another girl for us to play with for my birthday ;)

I don't think I'm resourceful in that way

Or some Molly

But a non romantic dinner would inevitably lead to non romantic sex

Hmmmmm

Has it been non romantic?

Not what I meant. Just that I don't think we're capable of a non romantic night

I see

But if you want to take me out for my birthday, I could go with that

K. Are you considering camping still?

Yeah. I really don't have anything set

Keep me posted

We could do something Friday and that would still leave Saturday-Monday open for camping

Monday is your day off with the new schedule?

I took Friday and Monday off

Super nice

If you can get some m from Amanda that would be really nice :)

Or acid

Shrooms

Weʼll see...

��

Weʼll see...

Drugs and sex would be a good way to celebrate 38 :)

Or drugs and strip club

You gotta celebrate entering your late 30s

The idea of being high and going to the strip club with you sounds really good

Especially if we can play with each other in a private room

So.....how are the lights?

Not the kind of non romantic evening you had in mind? :)

They are cool

Iʼm not really sure what I had in mind :)

Pic of lights?

Nice view

Hereʼs my view

The hot tub sounds nice right now too

I feel 10x better than I did this afternoon

That's good Where is Lucy's party going to be?

My house

You should come over and watch some sneaky Pete with me

Would be easier if Mallory wasn't here

Have you watched What/If?

I think you'll like it

What are you doing?

I just finished laundry and am about to watch sneaky Pete and eat ice cream

My brother turns 40 today

Is he doing something special?

Don't think so

You're both lame

I'm definitely going to do something big for my 40th

Like what?

I don't know

Hookers and blow

What are you wearing?

Nothing pretty

Iʼm glued to the couch and binge eating

Nothing is better than pretty

Stoppppppoo

Are you still out?

� �

Yep

Hookah?

Cigar

I haven't done hookah in a while

Still up?

Yes but getting sleepy

I want to see your tits

No can do

Glued to couch

You can do it from the couch

Show me

Nope

Make it an early birthday present

You have lots already

Unless you deleted

New is always better

I ordered you a present tonight

Yummmmmmm

I'm about to hop in the shower. Some inspiration �

I'm about to hop in the shower. Some inspiration would be nice :)

Like this?

Please. I don't wanna beg

Donʼt beg

Go shower

Use your imagination

FullSizeRender

Mor r

FullSizeRender

Yes

Pussy

Nah uh

You're up late

I want to keep watching but I should sleep so Iʼm not paying for it tomorrow

I'm in bed now

Iʼm about to go to bed

Goodnight

Night

6/2/19, 946 AM Dream any dreams? �

I think I did but now I canʼt remember. You?

I slept well but don't know about dreams

What are y'all up to today?

Ishas still here. Kids are hanging out.

I woke up feeling great and energized. Finally. I am working on my house.

Want to let the girls have a play date at the dog park?

I asked them about a park thus morning but they said they wanted to do hot tub. Iʼll ask them about dog park when Sofiaʼs done talking to her dad.

This afternoon after Isha leaves we are doing pants shopping. Itʼs a high priority.

If we go to Luther Burbank they can get in the water to help me teach taco to swim

Nordstrom rack and Target close by

Iʼm taking them to a surprise place thatʼs in issaquah or tukwila

Itʼs called Justice

Iʼve never been

But they have been asking me to take them for a while

Girls

They will love it

They will

It was too mall for the mall, so they got booted out of Bell square

Oh you know it! Oh you know it!

Iʼm not sure they want to go out this morning. Theyʼre glued to their iPads still. Let me see what they think after I feed them bfast

I didn't say we were going right now

I know :)

Ishas being picked up at 2

She can bring her dog

Maybe you can even pick up Maple

Isha doesnʼt have dog. I thought about maple!

My ex and maple could come

Maybe after isha leaves.

Or just see if he will let you pick her up

I actually mentioned that to Sofia earlier this morning that maybe we could have maple over today

Should we stop for a minute and think about things? We just went from clean break back to talking and planning a play date. We are really all over the place.

It's Sunday too.

And itʼs Sunday

What are you thinking?

I wonder if l took treats in the water if he would come

:) I love that

IMG_7232 Awww

6/2/19, 1211 PM

58119548078__2B2DEFBB-12AF-4C3C-A022-888852F005 C5 Nice day for it

I might nap here. Thinking it would be nice to nap with you

A non romantic nap of course

Yes a friendly nap

IMG_7240

Feel good?

Yep

When are you going shopping?

After isba leave

We might go to din tai

Iʼm fading

Maybe the girls could come with us

Theyʼre about to do sprinkler

Maybe Iʼll try caffeine

You can shop with us ;)

You could ask them if they prefer din tai with me and Mal over the sprinkler

I canʼt ishas here til 2

We could go for dinner then

4 or 5. I can see if Mallory can be picked up late

That works. After shopping. �

Think shopping will take under an hour?

Oh right. Itʼs far from here

I think it will take an hour

How late is it open?

6 in issaqauh

Thatʼs the closest

Ok. Text me when you're done and maybe Mal can show the girls how we eat din tai

What does that mean?

The Microsoft cafeteria

Roger

If you wanted to get some shopping done, I could take them to a movie too

I have some returns to do at Nordstrom

Iʼve perked up

I need to do work at some point

Jeff email

Iʼve been putting it off

Git er done

I feel silly for assuming I would go

It prob wasn't clear either way

You also sounded very platonic on the phone ;)

Iʼll get used to it

I thought I sounded normal

Maybe Maybe

Itʼs good this way for me to drop them and do returns. But I will feel like Iʼm missing out.

You will be missing out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You are so right

That I will be missing out

We all miss out

Gosh that hit me hard

I meant it more genetically than it probably came out

Genetically

Generically

We all miss out on things in life

But all 5 of us miss out on family like today

Think we can meet at Lincoln Square at 4?

Just leaving

Ok. We are prob going to stop by REI

Text when you're heading to Lincoln Square

They are having the best time

Mallory likes that place

How long do you think you'll be?

Maybe 20ish mins more ☺

This is so fun

Did you go to a store or to a park?

Justice in issaquah

Itʼs just fun to see them have fun

Girls a weird

We are checking out at REI now

What do they like from din tai?

On we re still going to be a bit but trying to hurry

Lucy like soup dumpling

Sofia veg dumpling

Also vegetable fried noodles

Broccoli or green beans

Checking out

We just put the order in

Be there in 15

I took a wrong turn

Meet at the elevators on 2?

K parking

They are trying different drinks from the soda fountain. Might get a little caffeine

Ok Im going to have a little bubbly

Take your time

58121459698__EA2A0506-BAC5-47F3-A858-63F0192C98 DF.fullsizerender :). Im also going to eat a salad but part of me wants to be eating din tai fung. Have fun :)

SMS with +1 (206) 816-5231

:). Im also going to eat a salad but part of me wants to be eating din tai fung. Have fun :)

iMessage with +1 (206) 816-5231 We will have some left overs

We are at Lucky Strike now. You can join if you want or enjoy your peace for a while

6/2/19, 857 PM Thanks for letting them hang out. We had fun

Thank you for treating them

I locked myself out of my fucking room

My ex is going out of town on Friday. If Alyssa can watch the girls ill take them that night if we still want to go out for dinner

Oh. How?

I locked it and then closed it

I grabbed the wrong key before I did

Are you hiding shit in your room

I didnʼt know you even had a lock

No, I was trying to come up with a way to keep Taco in a confined space

Did you break in? Did you break in?

Still trying

That sucks. Sorry.

Who puts a fucking keyed lock on a bedroom anyway

You?

I didn't

People who need to hide shit

Did you get in?

Yeah. Daniel got it open after an hour

Im watching what it

What do you think so far?

Not sure. Half way in first episode

I feel really overwhelmed with Taco right now

Whatʼs going on?

I just can't leave him without him tearing shit up. My room smells like piss. He shits all over. I just bought a $100 baby gate to try to keep him in control. I can't find the remote to his $300 collar. My car has hair all over the inside.

The list goes on

What about obedience training?

I have to do something. He just doesn't stop

Crate him?

Im sorry, it sounds rough and overwhelming. I would Im sorry, it sounds rough and overwhelming. I would have a hard time too.

He barks non stop when I'm not home to tell him to stop.

Which is why I need to find the remote to his collar

And of course now he's sleeping like a baby

And Iʼm sure he looks like a little puppy angel

He looks like a little terrorist shit

Youʼre a good fixer - Iʼm sure you can come up with a plan

Hahaha

I mean you could always find him a new home if itʼs really bad.....

Im not sure if that sounds really cold hearted

The thought has crossed my mind

I just gotta be consistent with him and do more to train him

Maybe dedicate a whole week where you work from the house to train him.

That would be good. Or at least one of my 4 day weekends

Yeah, that works

It will be hard and will suck to stay around the house but it will be worth it

Will you have the girls Saturday night too?

I suggested they just stay at my exʼs with Alyssa

But offered to bring them here

For Friday

Alyssa is maple sitting on Friday anyway and if I go out til past bedtime then they might as well sleep

�

� � � �

there

I'm not sure I follow. So she's keeping them at his house now?

I gave up on work

Sex would be really nice right now

Shark week

But otherwise it would be really nice

Bummer

At least you're not pregnant

Are you gonna be clear on Friday? Asking for a friend

So...

Weʼll see

Hopping in shower

I guess I can enjoy your company either way

I hope so :p

I bet you $100 that he got tickets to Game 4 of the NBA finals. Toronto Raptors vs Warriors in Oakland Friday night

Hmmmmm

Very possible

But heʼs leaving Weʼd

If it was work he could be home Friday night

Heʼs coming home 830am sat You could be right

Right. Work would have paid for a Friday return

Heʼs a big Raptors fan

That's why it's last minute

Ahhhh

Is it weird that I know your ex better than you? ;)

I didnʼt know who was in the finals

Neither did I

But you must have found out

Ugh. I canʼt remember when Iʼm supposed to start my pills

Because it clicked that there was a big sports game today and it must have been the NBA finals

And your ex telling you today struck me as odd

I'm a dot connector

I connect with dots and dots connect with me

So what are we gonna do Friday?

Fav restaurants?

Or is there a new one you want to try?

I made a res for Umi Sake House we can use as an option

I'm not sure. I'm not much of a foodie...

Umi is good

Maybe you want steak?

� �

I haven't had good sushi for a while. And I can always make steak

A restaurant wouldn't keep us out much past bedtime though

We can go to a bar after and make you do lots of birthday shots

Are you going to try to get me drunk?

Maybe

We can get you a tattoo

Of what?

A unicorn

With rainbow poop

Yes!

Maybe through in a Gemini symbole and some Chinese characters

Iʼm going to go to bed

I feel nice and sleepy

Have a good night

Goodnight

6/3/19, 121 AM I must be high. I just peed off the side of my roof because I was too lazy to go inside Read 6/3/19, 638 AM

6/3/19, 945 AM Give me one min

6/3/19, 1109 AM 6/3/19, 1109 AM Just wanted to say thank you for being supportive and talking to me. Iʼm not sure itʼs fair of me to call you with my problems, but I appreciate that you were there for me today.

Youʼre welcome

Donʼt look at the stock market if you donʼt want to be more stressed

Well now I just did

Ugh

Holy crap. That sucks

Trump

I had a good long talk with my mom today. We talked about the weekend and our fight. We both feel so much better.

That's good!

My day has turned around :)

Maybe I'll go by the shop today

Look for the Ferrari?

Yep. Know what color it is?

Red

Red with new or temporary plates

I have no idea

How would I know

Iʼm saying it would be new or temporary plates

Oh!

Got it. Got it.

I just reserved a pool cabana for the Saturday and Sunday Iʼm in Vegas

So nice!

You must be excited for that

Are you doing any shows?

Nah, probably not. The pool will be our show

Not that there have been women who you would actually want to see topless going topless any other year Iʼve been

Thatʼs not the type of show I was asking about....

Is it topless pool?

yeah

Usually old ladies and saggy boobs though

Iʼm sure you cousin can take you out for you bday to see some nice boobs

Eh, he doesnʼt want to go to a strip club this time

Blue balls arenʼt that fun... especially when youʼre sharing a room with someone and canʼt take care of yourself back at the hotel

Makes sense

I wish I had a connection for other goodies though... make it a super relaxing weekend

Do you think thatʼs it?

There are 4 red Ferrari here. This one has May plates, another has June plates. This one is prob 50k ish, the others are all between 150-800k prob Looks like it may be it.

I'd put money on it

I should take a photo with it for you to send him ;)

Drop a piece of paper in it that's says "John was here"

Ha!

6/3/19, 730 PM Iʼm getting a foot massage if you want to come with

What time?

Soon

Maybe 30mins

Very tempting. Do you still have edibles at the house? :)

I have a squished one

I might have a squished one in the car too

I can leave here in a few

6/4/19, 153 AM I think I left a small key ring in your purse

Is that for your room?

Do you need me to check?

More importantly my cigar locker

If they are there, can you leave on the porch?

Okay

Iʼll check in morning

Ok. Here they are.

Night

Night �

Night

6/4/19, 305 PM What time is Lucy's party? She told Mallory she wanted her to come on Sunday

430-700

I just took a short nap. Iʼm exhausted.

I can bring Mal to the party... She's got her piano recital until 4 so we might be late

Great

Lucy reminded me last night to send her the invitation

Waiting for 45 mins at dr

Iʼm so bored and tired

Whatcha got going on under that shirt?

Tired boobs

Going to increase the medicine

If it doesnʼt help Iʼll try going off

And Iʼve been ordered to exercise

Glad to hear you're getting help

6/4/19, 836 PM

Thank you for thinking of me Do they taste good?

Waiting for kids to be in bed

Not sharing?

Not tonight ;)

We got home late so right to bed

Where were you?

Home Depot. Flower shopping.

I wonder what style of glasses would look better on me

Are you getting glasses?

Download the Warby Parker app and take some pics

Sometimes I just want to talk to you

The app doesn't work with older iphones

I got a prescription a couple of weeks ago

I heard Costco has some good glasses

What are you up to?

Watching TV

What are you watching?

When they see us

Never heard of it

New on Netflix

So i started planning my 40th

Yeah? Anything fun?

Well I have a date and invited some girlfriend

S Maybe dinner then roof top drinks at the nest

Or maybe a boat and drinks if I can find something

Nice

You could rent a boat

Talk for a bit? Or are you into your show?

Sure

“Who the Fuck Am I?”: The Ultimate Guide to Personal Values markmanson.net

6/5/19, 1238 PM Mark Manson is in Seattle tonight for a book tour

How timely. Iʼm tempted.

I read the article this morning. Heʼs a great writer and his ideas are insightful.

6/6/19, 1254 PM How are ya?

I was just thinking about you.

Im having a good day

You?

That's good. Well today is my Friday so it's pretty good

Oooooh that just feel nice - your Friday before q 4 day weekend

Must Must

Yep

Im walking out to her lunch

Get

Ugh

I'm on my way to the dog park

Itʼs cooooold

It's 64

Im having another tired day though. I took a power nap in my car before work again.

My back has been sore all day

I crashed early last night

You should treat yourself to a massage tomorrow

I ended up going to the mark Landon talk last night

He is funny

Manson

Really? What did you do with the kids?

Alyssa

It worked out well

Nice

6/6/19, 459 PM What time should I plan for tomorrow?

6/6/19, 601 PM Or if you are having second thoughts that's ok too

Still on!

Dinner is 715

We can meet up beforehand

Or then Or then

Either is ok with me

I might try to get in a hike in the afternoon

Fun. Hope it doesnʼt rain.

Me too. If it does I'm not gonna go

Up for trying a float tomorrow?

Float?

The floats in the pod

Oh, sure

Like the urban float thing?

Yeah

Just an idea

I found an appt at 10 after we eat.

Guess you're not getting me drunk then :)

We can do 7 and then a 9pm dinner?

Up to you. Just tell me where to be and when

Okay. Be ready at 6 and Iʼll either pick you up or have you in a uber to meet me. Bring stuff if you want to shower and freshen up after the float (Iʼll bring deodorant and make up) - Iʼll carry a bag/large purse. We float nude.

Ok. Float nude together? ;)

Nope

Bummer. Do I at least get to see you get in and out?

Donʼt think you do

I had to change plans a bit so I might pick you up earlier to go on the east side. Maybe 5ish Between 5-6

6/6/19, 947 PM Are we still going to Umi after?

6/7/19, 659 AM I slept at 930! Yes Umi or we can decide to stay on Eastside. Letʼs see what we feel like.

6/7/19, 1000 AM That must have felt good

My long weekend has officially begun.

6/7/19, 1154 AM The day looks nice so far. Are you going for a hike?

Just got my hair cut. Prob gonna take taco to the park

How closeted gay would it look if I went to see Rocket Man by myself in the middle of the day?

High likelihood of looking like that

But you should do it

I might see it with Daniel tomorrow. Just look pain gay

Im looking forward to tonight

What part?

All of it

You think people ever get so relaxed in the float that they pee a little?

Gross

I wonder if we should eat some edibles before the float Do you have?

I think I have some at home, but the place to get them is close to my house

I need to grab more for Vegas anyway

6/7/19, 418 PM Im getting out of here. Are you free?

Nope, I'm very expensive

Well now

But I'll be home in 15. At the pot shop now

Buy me a box?

Sure

Hère

Coming out

6/7/19, 705 PM Have a good float

You too. I'm excited

6/8/19, 331 PM How did she do?

Amazing!

Im thinking of your idea last night

Maybe tomorrow Iʼll come to your place

You might buy one for yourself

6/8/19, 630 PM

� ☺

6/8/19, 630 PM What are you up to tonight?

When are you heading out?

I'm at the club now

Bridge soon?

Yes ma'am

Im getting in a lot of self care today :)

Tell me if youʼre winning

Just started

Getting a foot massage tonight?

Maybe tomorrow

I'm going to watch TV and eat ice cream

I just got off the phone with Ryan - he wants to visit me for my bday

We'll see if that happens. But I would really love that.

That would be nice

2 Toronto trips?

He would come here

Oh! That would be nice

When I was pregnant with Sofia my ex went away for a wedding and Ry came to visit me and it was really great

Just the fact that he mentioned it to me made me Just the fact that he mentioned it to me made me feel good

Happy

6/8/19, 925 PM I'm tired

Cuz your old

Still playing bridge?

I'm taking a break

Im so cozy on my couch I might sleep here

No hot tub?

Not tonight

Watching a movie

Bummer. I'd be tempted to join you

You can join my couch

Licorice and dill chips

I don't know why I'm so tired

Sleep will feel extra good - go home soon snd embrace it

But when I wake up I'll be old

Yup

One day older than today

Have you seen always be my maybe?

Its funny

Nope

Whatʼs up no?

Now? ☺

Just sitting at the club

Trying to decide if I'm going to get a second wind

6/8/19, 1128 PM Iʼm about to fall asleep

I hope you have a nice birthday sleep in tomorrow

Enjoy your last 30 minutes of 37 :)

I think I was born in the afternoon, so I have a few hours

6/9/19, 826 AM Happy Birthday!!!

6/9/19, 1112 AM

I thought of you

Looks interesting

How was the rest of last night?

What's up?

I was wondering if everything was ok

Just dozed off

I'm still in bed

Wanted to make sure you werenʼt feeling depressed about being old ;)

Well that too for sure

6/9/19, 112 PM What time is your dinner? What time is your dinner?

6. Did you want to get together after it?

I'm not sure if I will be dead by then

Hmmmmm?

Heading out mountain biking

Nice! Have fun!!!

Wear a helmet

Don't tell me what to do

Try no to die at least

Today mountain biking, tomorrow congestive heart failure... I'd rather go out as a young man

6/9/19, 635 PM My ass hurts

6/9/19, 841 PM Done dinner. Did you soak your ass?

Soak my ass in what?

A bath

Where was dinner?

Cantinetti

On main st

I feel gross

I need a coffee

So get one on your way home

I will make one at home

Do you want to come over?

Modern problems require modern solutions Modern problems require modern solutions

What time are you going to be home?

Home now

I just need to run back out to drop something for Sofiaʼs

I think I need hot tub tonight

I'm almost there. Was going to sit in the hot tub while you were at dinner but then you had to spoil it

Iʼll be back in a bit

Ok. I'm getting in the hot tub

6/9/19, 1107 PM Watching more what if?

Yup

You?

Sitting at the club

Or the Cedar River Watershed Education Center?

Nope

Wrong woman ;)

Ha, sent that to the wrong person. I'm going to go to Rattlesnake Lake tomorrow afternoon

Trying to figure out which parking lot is closer to a trailhead

Have you guessed the plot twist of what/if yet?

I thought the guy that was beaten up might have been a man in Anneʼs past

I donʼt know

On épisode 5

My ass still hurts No early bedtime?

Itʼs my bedtime. Night

Just got home. Might try to ice my ass

Sleep on your belly tonight

I did enjoy riding though. Might buy a bike

6/10/19, 220 PM I think I hiked 9 miles today

Nice!

Im having my lunch outside in the sunshine today. Feels wonderful.

My lower body is sore

6/10/19, 1134 PM Anneʼs daughter?????

Huh?

What/if

What episode are you on?

Told you it was good

So good. I have one episode left but I should get to bed soon.

I'm about to shower and go to bed

Same here. Night.

Night

6/11/19, 1132 PM I was wondering if you were going to fade back away after my birthday

Im focusing on self, work and kids now that theyʼre �

Im focusing on self, work and kids now that theyʼre back with me.

6/12/19, 657 AM Well, good luck. Hearing that one more time is enough for me to move on.

6/12/19, 1252 PM Mallory was invited to another birthday party Saturday afternoon. I was really hoping this pull me in and then push me away shit was over, but it doesn't seem like it is. I think it will be better for us to go to the other party

6/12/19, 317 PM I donʼt think Iʼve been the only one doing the push/pull thing.

I understand if itʼs better to go to the other party.

You're so full of shit. How have I been pulling you in and then pushing you away? How many times have I spent a great weekend with you and then cut you off unprovoked? How often do I come up with bullshit excuses to treat you like trash?

You get so mad at me, say incredibly mean shit to me, end things and then come back.

Im not trying to fight and Iʼm not mad right now

Yes, I get mad in response to shit you say and do. Yes, I forgive and try to be patient. That is not even close to the same ad what you do

I am mad. You lie. Yesterday you didn't go silent because you needed to focus on yourself, kids, and work. How much reading and journaling did you do last night? Did you sign up for yoga or get in any exercise? Get the girls to bed on time and set them up for success this morning? How much TV did you watch last night? But even if you really did focus on yourself, kids, and work, how in the fuck does any of that prevent you from reaching out? You're a liar.

Thatʼs a good reminder for me of how I donʼt want to be talked to or treated. �

I should have seen that coming! You could kill 20 people, get convicted, and at sentencing say "I don't like that people call me a murderer"

Oh boy. That made me laugh.

Still true

Amazing. If someone said that of me, I would be horrified.

I care about you John. I told Connie yesterday how much I value our friendship, that our chemistry is strong and that itʼs hard for me to not believe a long term relationship will work for us. She couldnʼt understand why I keep letting myself be pulled back in after the way i explained how the fights make me feel. I tried to make her understand. I tried to make myself understand. You have been my best friend and itʼs hard to lose that too. But I canʼt go in circles. I canʼt let you talk to me the way you do.

Spin that however you like. We both live in our virtual realities. Youʼve always thought I was selfish.

Someday hopefully you'll care more about how much you hurt other people than you do about how they react when you do. Connie doesn't understand because she isn't there. She doesn't see just how shitty and cold you are. She only hears what you want her to hear. You construct a world to avoid accountability. You'd rather cut me out of your life than take accountability. But none of that is my problem anymore

I donʼt need someone to have been the read the text messages

Whatever. The text messages arenʼt the whole of our relationship, and they can be cherry picked. But again, not your fault not your accountability

The text messages tell a whole lot of relationship John

Our

I have gone back and read them I have gone back and read them

I know you have too

Yes, I have. And the emails.

And I got a notification that you looked at the album I shared a few weeks ago.

Yeah. What was that about?

Even with re-reading them, you have zero capacity to take accountability. I thought you were a better person, but you really donʼt care about anyone but yourself

Regret vs. Remorse psychologytoday.com

About the past?

There you go again with the insults

I hope you find an amazing woman who is great person and treats you the way you want to be treated.

Thanks. Could you leave my swim shorts on the porch tomorrow?

I donʼt think I have your swim shorts? Didnʼt you come into my house that day without telling me to look for them?

I brought them back at some point. They are blue. If you canʼt find them, thatʼs fine

I am fiercely angry with you right not

Now

If I find them I will let you know

I really donʼt care. You wonʼt change until you are angry with yourself, and I just donʼt ever see that happening

I will try and not care too.

Bye Shorts are on porch

Thanks. I'll pick them up tomorrow during the day

6/15/19, 1222 PM Lucy's present is on the porch

Thank you

6/24/19, 1056 PM Can you talk?

6/25/19, 1206 AM I am in the hot tub. Tell me to leave and I will

Are you ok?

I have an awful feeling that something is wrong. The lights are on in the house, your car is in the garage, and it's a work night. Please just tell me if you're ok

It didn't even occur to me that you might be out with someone. I feel like an idiot and did it to myself.

I was out with friends

It's none of my business. I shouldn't have gone over anyway

Please donʼt come over unannounced

I learned my lesson tonight. I won't repeat it

Sounds like you're well on your way to getting over me. Can't say it feels good, but good for you

I might as well let it all hit me in one night. Have you gone out on dates with anyone?

Is someone there with you now?

6/25/19, 648 AM ?

6/25/19, 112 PM Please What is there left to talk about?

6/25/19, 450 PM Sheʼs beautiful. And successful and Iʼm guessing that being a therapist she has her shit together or at least has the toolset, maturity and resolve to tackle her shit. I hope if she ends up being who you desire that it works out for you both.

I was reading on panic attacks. All the symptoms make sense. My body didnʼt feel like my body; it was such a horrible feeling. Thanks for calming me.

6/25/19, 847 PM The Sarah I knew a year ago is who I desired. You threw me away and fucked another guy on the bed that you and I shared for almost 2 years a week after we made love there. I don't know who you are anymore. You held a guy named Jon's dick in your hand and slid it into your mouth without a thought of me. You let him inside you, where only I have been in the last 2 years. He made you orgasm, something only I have done in 2 years. We don't have anything special because you gave it to someone else. I didn't want to shed any more tears over you, but I'm sitting in my car weeping. Just like the word love doesn't adequately describe how we feel about those closest to us, the word hurt didn't begin to describe the pain I feel. I don't know how you got to be the person you are, but I'm not a better person because of you. I'm more damaged and more wounded.

6/25/19, 1157 PM A couple of months ago I started writing a book that I was going to title "How I met your mother" - it was the story of us, mostly through excerpts of our text history. I was writing it to/for the three girls and had a vision of giving it to them when they we're older. This isn't the ending I expected

6/26/19, 440 PM Hi. Iʼd like to respond to Katie since she sent me a kind text. I will tell her you prefer us not getting together. You can give her whatever information you want if you havenʼt already as to why. Ok?

I will tell her. You don't have to respond Iʼd like to respond - that not okay?

Itʼs okay. I wonʼt.

I can't tell you who you can't text, but I would rather handle the communication.

Sarah, I've tried so hard to understand you, forgive you, and be there for you. I've literally thrown up a few times. I don't know how to describe just how much this hurts. I've had breakdowns sobbing. I'm on the verge of tears texting you now. How could you move on so quickly? How could you be so intimate with someone so soon after what we shared? How have you not even tried to fight for me? For even a friendship? How do you not even try to make amends when I have given you so much? A few times I've thought you couldn't hurt me any worse, but then you hurt me so much more deeply.

I am taking Mallory on her first road trip next week and I'm terrified of it. I don't know how I'm going to hold myself together

6/26/19, 650 PM Even with all of this pain, I text you back when you text me. I call you back when you call me. You can't even muster a reply?! For fuck sake, what did I do to deserve this?

I was out and then at the foot massage place to destress

I needed time

I see your pain. I understand it.

I feel like Iʼve grieved from December onwards.

How hard is it to say that you need time to respond instead of not saying anything?

Youʼre right

I went inwards

Sorry for not acknowledging your text

Is that what you convinced Leah of? That you've Is that what you convinced Leah of? That you've been grieving since December, so you are alleviated of all guilt?

Im on my way to see Leah

Im not alleviated of all guilt

Do you want to talk later?

I want to stop hurting. At least stop hurting as much. I don't know how to do that.

I fear I just make it worse

I donʼt know how

I had thought about asking you to come with me to see Leah

You make it worse by showing signs that you care and then crushing me when I'm vulnerable.

But I think we should likely talk to people separately

I do care

But i donʼt think I can give you what you want/need

I don't know that you will ever be able to be honest with someone when telling them about us

I wonʼt lie but our realities are different. You know that.

Can you honestly say that you've tried to give me what I need?

Sarah, I've heard you change history to defend yourself.

I think what you needed/wanted didnʼt match with what I needed/wanted

That's not what I asked

No Do you believe that I have tried to give you what you want/need?

Oh wow

This is how it starts

I'm honestly shocked that you don't think I've tried

Go ahead and start telling me how cruel and horrible I am now

I have my appt now

It really hurts that you would say you don't believe I've tried.

6/27/19, 813 AM Iʼm starting this book. It might help me understand myself better and how to address some things. https://www.amazon.com/Audible-Studios-Adult-Chi ldren-Alcoholics/dp/B004FU6BUE

I sincerely hope it does help you understand more. If I can offer an observation... it's not until understanding is paired with action that you start to become who you want to be. Practice taking action. If you don't want to be defensive, practice being vulnerable. If you don't want to be cold, practice expressing love in ways that don't come naturally to you.

A song lyric that has stuck with me and helped me through some pretty shitty times is from The Avett Brothers. "Decide who to be and go be it"

Thank you ❤

Sounds a lot like me

Wow, yes

Wow

I don't know what to say. I want to give you a hug right now

I cried

Thank you for helping lead me to this

Itʼs just the start of understanding

Are you in the office today? Do you need to talk?

Im late for my 9am

Heading there now

I'm here

Not physically at your office or home

I'm here for you

As much as I think you should start in to that book as quickly as possible, I do think it may be worth taking a moment to think whether you should wait to start reading it until you get back.

It could help spark some good conversations while you're there, or it could make it harder for you to be intentional

6/27/19, 127 PM Are you doing ok?

Can you come outside?

Thank you

6/27/19, 632 PM Can you come outside?

Tuesday morning you called me while I was at work and when I didn't pick up, you said please. I called you back. Tuesday night you called and I answered. This morning you text me about that book and I was there for you to support you. This afternoon you showed up at the cigar club and I was there for you. Please talk to me

6/28/19, 1124 AM The sex last night was pretty amazing. Have a great trip... If you need to talk I'm here

My list was totally normal :p

Have a great road trip

I thought putting purel on it was really funny for some reason

That seemed totally normal to me

6/29/19, 1159 AM I asked Colleen if me coming to see Leah with you back in December would have been unethical. She said it wouldn't have been unethical as long as it's not to become the couple's therapist, and can be helpful in the right context

I honestly don't know if she's a good therapist, so I honestly don't know if she's a good therapist, so it's just another reference point. I do know that she doesn't have any incentive to say that it could have been good for me to go with you for a couple of sessions

Im not sure i understand - in December she was our coupleʼs therapist

Where are you?

About to get in car for 3 hour drive to cottage

Leah, not Connie

Colleen my friend

Sorry I was confused

You asked Colleen in December or now?

I'm near Salt Lake now. Might stay here tonight and go to Denver in the morning

I asked her last night

I hadn't talked to Colleen in a long time before recently

I think if i remember Leah was open to you coming for a session

I don't remember if it was your idea or Leahs, but what you communicated to me is that it was an offer on the table

Why are you thinking this now?

We even brought it up to Connie who said it would have been unethical.

You wish we did?

Thatʼs vaguely familiar

Actually yes I do remember that

I think sometimes I look back and see a comedy of errors

That may be an apt description for us

So many stupid mistakes that could have been easily avoided and even really unwound

Are you stopped or still driving?

Driving right now

I was filling up when I text

Taco with you?

No, left him at home

Daniel is putting him thru puppy boot camp :)

6/29/19, 141 PM Nice. An actual class or Daniels class.

Daniels version

I just stopped by a cigar club I always stop at I'm SLC but it got shut down :(

Boo :(

Guess I'm gonna keep going towards Denver tonight

Last night being on the road and knowing you were in Canada brought up a lot of memories and a profound longing to talk on the phone all night

Almost two years ago

I think our first date was 2 years ago today

Yes

The sense of sadness feels intense and overwhelming �

I understand - I imagine having lots of time alone is making you think

I think being alive makes me think :)

I read that as understanding but not relating, which is ok.

Ok - yes being alive makes one think

Are you taking photos?

Not today. Just trying to get to where I'm going

I'm going to spend the week teaching Mallory about photography

Super fun

I would like to get into that

You two will have so much fun - good bonding time

I can't tell if you're sad too. I appreciate you texting with me, just not sure how to read you

Mixed

And dill pickle chips

6/29/19, 424 PM Mother fuck

I left a suitcase in Oakville

All of Lucy's stuff

And all of our shoes

Oh no! Take them to old Navy and just get new stuff. Turn it into a memory :)

That's the plan

Sucks though

I also lost our gate at the airport

Hats

My $200 hat :(

Yes. But it doesn't have to! Laugh it off and have fun with it

Holly shit! Was it gold?

Thanks

Rolling with it

But I was about to hop in the car and drive for 6 hours

Show the girls how to be flexible :)

I like that

The place is really nice - on a river lots of bedrooms huge hottub and sauna

Pool table too

Make them want to lose a suitcase on every trip :)

Sounds wonderful :)

Maybe we should have played more pool and asked more questions

You can use that game with your brother and parents this week :)

6/29/19, 741 PM The sky is beautiful in Wyoming iPhone doesn't do it justice

I was noticed the sky here was beautiful too. It seemed so different, so expansive.

Are you driving through the night?

2 hours and change from Denver

Are you staying in your car?

Got a hotel for tonight

What are y'all up to?

Magic tricks, games, chatting and hanging out

Eating lots of junk food too :)

I'm not asking this out of judgement or criticism, just trying to understand things... have you text/talked with him since you left for Canada?

I have no expectations and intend no pressure with the question

On thurs night he said he hoped everything was ok and I replied before leaving that I was ok and looking forward to spending time with my family.

I appreciate the honestly and I don't think that is at all unreasonable

I admire your drive for kindness and to do right by him

Does that mean you haven't since you left?

That's right

Are you upset that I asked?

It makes me feel uncomfortable �

Can you talk? Maybe my intention will seem less uncomfortable if you hear my voice

Not at the moment

Ok. Later tonight?

I don't even want to talk about that by the way. If it helps to hear me vocalize it, I can do that. I mostly would like to hear how the day went with all of the excitement

6/29/19, 1030 PM Just checked in. I've had to pee for the last 30 min so give me a couple :)

It's going straight to voicemail

Your phone might be dead or no service. Call when you can :)

Hmmm. It's not ringing when I try to call you

I answered :-/

Hmmm

I can hear you

Weird

Let me try to restart my phone

6/30/19, 1154 AM I own an airstream!!!

I'll take more photos soon

6/30/19, 218 PM Whoo hoo! Congrats! I'm happy for you! I've been running all over to find a longer ball hitch so I don't have to take the spare tire off of the back

Any luck?

I think so! I'm going back to try it now

Stopped to get a oil change too

Yay!

I'm towing now!!!

Nice! Where are you headed?

Cabela's now. Mal doesn't land for 7 hours

I'm going to try to persuade her to want to go to the Grand canyon

Especially since I booked a RV site there just in case :)

6/30/19, 601 PM Just about to eat

Aww, I wanted to give you the tour

Can I call you back?

Yeah, I may not be at a place to show it off but there will be a time eventually

I have a few mins if you're free

Lost ya

Sorry my phone died

It's not letting me call you back

I've been overhearing this guy talking down to �

another guy for a while. Super condescending fucker. He started talking about how his girlfriend was trying to hit him so he grabbed her wrist and she tried to pull it away and tore some ligaments in her wrist. I want to go over and break his nose. I'm furious

6/30/19, 859 PM Ugh

6/30/19, 1016 PM Did y'all get cards against humanity?

7/1/19, 849 AM Settlers

7/1/19, 1011 AM How was Mal's flight? Where did you spend last night?

I want to hear about your plans when you have a min. :)

I don't think ally texts are going through for some reason

7/1/19, 1150 AM Just stopped for gas. Lots of bad coverage and mountains, so haven't been on the phone

Last night was pretty shitty, but Mallory made it safe and sound

Shitty how?

Last night

7/1/19, 421 PM Oh, sorry! I thought you said "shitty now?" not how. Didn't mean to not anger e

*not answer

It's been a stressful day today too. It would be a long text to recount all of it, and I'm not sure it would capture everything. We can try to talk before bed if you want

7/1/19, 609 PM Sorry to hear. Hope it's gotten better for you. We celebrated my dad and my bdays and are about to go in hot tub. Trying not to get eaten alive by the mosquitoes out here.

Sounds a lot more relaxing than my day :) Mallory has been great though. We are both ready to be out of the car

7/1/19, 1010 PM Hi

Im sausages between kids

Maybe another day then

I woke them up trying to escape

I don't get it. Are you going to bed?

The service here sucks. I walked a ways to get a signal, but I'm about to head back to the trailer.

Did you hang up?

Did your phone die?

It goes straight to voicemail

I couldn't hear you

7/2/19, 116 AM Did you hang up?

I'm sorry for being defensive and cold and not trying to understand your hurt

I have an issue with feeling I owe people things

I'm not sure why

It makes me close up immediately and it's a problem. It stops me from.hearing and understanding other people.

SMS with +1 (206) 816-5231 I have an issue with feeling I owe people things

It makes me close up immediately and it's a problem. It stops me from.hearing and understanding other people.

I'm not sure why

Can't talk. Woke kids up

iMessage with +1 (206) 816-5231 Ok. I'm not sure how much you heard or where we got disconnected.

By the same logic, it was ok for me to criticize you about the kids therapy. I could say that someone else might have not been offended at all with any of what I said. But I'm not ok with it. I'm not ok because I hurt you. I'm not ok because I owed you more respect. I'm not ok because my words didn't value you as a person or you as a parent or you as my partner.

I'll think about this. I need space from this at least until vacation is done.

Need sleep now. Goodnight. I hope you and Mallory have an amazing adventure

I was going to recommend A to Z mysteries for the car. Me and the girls like to listen to thém together.

Thanks for the recommendation

7/2/19, 306 AM I don't know where I stand with owing people. I don't want respect, honesty, forgiveness, integrity, or kindness because it is owed to me, nor do I want to give those things out of debt or obligation. I want to give them freely to the people I love, and I want them freely given to me from the people I love.

At the same time, there are people who I feel deserve those things from me and I deserve them in return. Not out of obligation, but out of appreciation/value of who they are and who I am. This text is taking forever because I honestly don't know whether or not owing and being owed is good or not. The implication of me not owing anyone anything is that nobody owes me anything either. The implication of Leah's advice (as I heard you explain it) is that we shouldn't ever feel bad about hurting anyone else... I'm not sure that is a world that I would want to live in. If you can't allow yourself to feel bad... horrible even... for hurting someone you love, then can you expect anyone you love to feel bad for hurting you?

It really hurt. You've even acknowledged that you would have been hurt too, but then you switch right back to defending/justifying. Having to explain why it hurt over and over is like twisting the knife.

You were impulsive. I truly believe that had you paused to consider the consequences, you wouldn't have done it. Even if the only consequence you had considered is how much it would hurt me because you too would have been hurt if I did the same.

The #1 trait of adult children of alcoholics is impulsive behavior. Maybe it's time to consider how much you spend trying to cover up the consequences of your impulsive behavior. Looking back, how many of our conflicts were at least influenced by your impulsive behavior?

In some cases, the cover up (your defensiveness might actually be a form of covering up/denying/diminishing) hurts worse than the original act. In all cases it adds to the hurt.

7/2/19, 903 AM Thank you for your patience. I'm having a hard time formulating my thoughts but I recognize the hurt I've caused you. I am sorry. You're right that I would have felt hurt in the reverse. I recognize that I am impulsive and that it's difficult for me to own up to that. Thereʼs more reflection needed.

7/2/19, 1034 AM Thank you for that response. I am willing to put the conversations about us off until after vacation

Thank you John

Have a nice day planned?

Yeah, I think it will be fun

Weʼre starting off our day with Clue

Im curious where you are - itʼs like where in the US is J&M. maybe you can send me a pic and Iʼll guess :)

7/2/19, 1154 AM

Looks like sheʼs ready to shoot

She wants to come back here every year now.

Thatʼs great to hear

I'm debating taking her to Vegas for a night

Totally

Do it

Here's a hint. We are at one of the biggest dark sky reserves in the US

I had to google that. Idaho?

Nope. No more guesses. You can earn another hint by being extra sweet :)

I read there is only one reserve in the US I read there is only one reserve in the US

My facts may be wrong I donʼt know what these places are but they sound cool

Ah, maybe there is a difference between reserve and park

7/3/19, 1020 AM Do you have the kids Sunday night? I'd like to talk in person when we are both back

I donʼt think so but I havenʼt coordinated drop off with my ex yet.

Ok, if not then Monday?

I know you wanted to wait until after vacation to talk about anything... but that just prolongs my pain so that you don't have to feel any yourself by actually reflecting on yourself. You said that you recognize the hurt you have caused me, and you need to reflect more. Rather than take an hour out of your vacation to write a letter, you would rather ignore it and let me suffer. If you actually reflected on this and compared it to the times I've hurt you or your ex hurt you, you might just realize how horrible it feels.

Mallory asked if we could have a play date and I burst in to tears.

7/3/19, 1251 PM The opposite of love is indifference. Ignoring is indifference.

Hi. I donʼt know how to respond - Iʼm traveling to visit family today.

I donʼt want you to feel horrible or to feel pain

I know you don't want me to feel pain, but can you honestly say that you've tried to do anything to heal it? If I say I don't want child labor, but I keep buying iPhones can I really say that I'm anything but indifference?

What hurt you more about your ex cheating, him sleeping with another woman or him never actually taking accountability for it? Him fucking a woman in your bed, or him being more focused on the hurt he felt from her than he was on the hurt he caused you? How much did it hurt that you probably could have forgiven him if he had only shown remorse, but even so he couldn't let himself see how much he hurt you?

What did it feel like to find yourself being there for him, listening to him grieve about his loss and asking you to help him... doing your best to be supportive... and remembering that he's the one who hurt you?

7/3/19, 631 PM You resent me for blocking you, but ignore me all of the time.

I've had a bit to drink and am feeling impulsive too.

Iʼve been at my cousins all day - Iʼm still here. I can write or call later

Well that would have been nice to know 6 hours ago.

I told you 6 hours ago I was traveling to visit my family

Ok. We aren't responsible for each other's feelings anymore, right? We don't owe each other anything is what I heard from you last night

Thatʼs not true

We are in Vegas tonight

Sorry, wrong person

Wrong woman?

;)

Fuck you

Sorry

It was a bad joke I am filled with so much pain and rage right now. I've been typing messages for the last couple of hours and deleting them. Since you can't relate to my pain, I keep wanting to make you feel it.

Let me call you later

Still out

Maybe Muneer, Alex, or Jon will be able to relate. Fuck you

I donʼt get it

What do you mean?

Which part are you confused about?

The screenshot and your comment

I wasn't texting anther fucking woman you inconsiderate fucking asshole

Im sorry again

And you know damned well what the comment meant. Does Alex know you and Amanda fucked? I bet Muneer and I have a lot we could talk about. Maybe Jon could catch me up on what happened and I could catch him up on what he's getting himself in to

Are you serious?

Fuck you

I donʼt like that you threaten revenge on me

I understand you are hurt and angry

I'm not responsible for whether or not you like it You hurt people without remorse and I'm ready to show you just how fucking horrible it feels

What do you mean?

Please donʼt do something to hurt me

Weʼre headed home. Letʼs talk

Of course now it's important to you. Not when I'm hurt, only when you're about to be

Ok.

Do what you need to

Which one should I message first?

You said he probably knows, right?

I donʼt know who you are

Neither do I. But then again I don't know who you are either.

This is very upsetting and disturbing. I canʼt talk to you.

I'm sure someone will

You fucked another man in your bed and on your couch a week after me and couldn't even say you weren't ok with it

We aren't responsible for each other's feelings though

I'm having another drink and then deciding what to do

I don't even know why I'm hesitating to cross a line when you don't give a shit about me and already fucked another guy.

All you had to do was show remorse. Fuck it

I tried calling

Itʼs not going through

Can you try me?

I'm getting advice right now.

I can live with <8

What would you say to my ex?

That I'm sorry for any part I had in him having less time with his kids. That I understand why he was so vindictive. That I have never felt this much pain even by the parents who beat me, but at least they have tried to apologize. That I'm ashamed of of leaving my kid in the restaurant while I'm crying in the bathroom stall do you want to try calling me?

How can you wait one minute to reflect and have remorse when I have been there for you for two years?! How do you have such indifference to want wait until after your vacation while I'm fucking dying inside?

I can't call you. I have to get myself together enough to go back to Mallory and salvage the night

I am sorry John

Stop. Fucking. Saying. Sorry.

Can you talk later? Can you talk later?

Daniel said 10 for being petty, but 6-7 otherwise. I won't ruin Alex and Amanda's life.

I donʼt get what you mean

I'm not going to message Alex

They don't deserve to have their lives ruined because you don't give a shit

Thatʼs your reality

I do give a shit

I care

I donʼt express it well sometimes, often

Your ex would probably agree with me. My reality seems to be shared

You are making me angry

Says someone to supposedly cares

* who

At least admit to yourself that your "care" is relative. When compared to how much you care about your own feelings, you don't care about mine

You show care and compassion more than me

Itʼs not something Iʼve been good at

Im selfish - yes

Im impulsive - heʼs

Yes

Im not throughtful - yes

Im sorry that I didnʼt treat you well. Iʼm sorry that when we fought i was defensive.

Im sorry i didnʼt stop to hear you or understand you

Then what does "care" mean to you? Jesus fuck. Your care and love are only about how you feel, not how you make others feel

Im sorry for blaming so much of the past problems on you

Yes youʼre right John. I only care about me.

Im sorry Iʼve been this way

I will own that

Fine, turn synical. I can't get thru to you

Im not

Im being honest

WTF

What in the fuck does sorry mean to you then?! How many times can you say you're sorry and you care and you love without fucking showing it?!

I donʼt understand

"I'm sorry" - but I'm not going to change

"I care about you" - but I'm going to hurt you and ignore you and hide from my mistakes

"I love you" - but that's just how I feel, not what I show you

I feel overwhelmed and not sure what to say

Of course. Turn it into how its all my fault and tell your friends.

Try actually thinking about and answering my questions

Thatʼs what hurt me the most

So I can understand the hurt, anger and frustration you feel How can you have felt what I feel and then do it to another human?

I was impulsive

I also thought we may never speak again and went our separate ways for good that time.

No. You fucked him because you were impulsive. That's not why you have shown no remorse

Him fucking her wasn't the worst part

Are you free to talk?

No, I took Mallory to see the fountains on the strip

Can you call when you are free?

Why can't you text?

Because I donʼt think itʼs the best way for us to communicate

If you can use text to communicate that you don't care, why not try to use it to communicate that you do?

I donʼt think I can

I donʼt even think I can talk right now

I feel so angry and trapped

I feel like I could punch a wall

I donʼt think I should text or talk to you right now. I should go.

And you still think you care?

Nope I donʼt right now

I am so full of anger there is no care

That is the Sarah I know

Perfect

Im back to myself Fuck you. I won't care either them

Good

Letʼs go our separate ways hating each other

Feel free to text my ex

About what?

Iʼll stay completely out of your life

I need you completely out of mine

Cool. I'll make friends with whoever I want

Why canʼt you just leave me the fuck alone

Why do you care? What difference does it make to you?

Because I donʼt want to feel threatened

Then don't

I donʼt want to worry about someone else in my life wanting to hurt me

I just want you to tell me you will leave me alone

Yet you have reason to fear that from both of your last relationships. Should tell you something

Yes - I have a problem with the men Iʼve picked

Of course. Fuck you

My four relationships before weʼre not like this

They are still friends with me

And I ended it with them

Good for you.

Then you have nothing to worry about. Muneer and I prob have nothing in common �

Donʼt be a dick

Noting if your fault

It's just the men you pick.

Fuck you

Please stay out of my life

I canʼt believe I have to ask you that

I canʼt believe I donʼt trust you anymore

You can't take accountability for anything. You're the victim.

I will

Sounds like you need to learn the hard way

I was shitty to you!

No no no. It was the men you pick

Do you understand why I said we should talk?

This is what it had become

No. You can express just how shitty you are over text, but not how much your care

I donʼt care about you right now

Right

You never have

Because youʼre being cruel and vindictive

And taunting

Youʼre being quite awful

And I sincerely know I was shitty to you. I do see that shortcomings were part of much of the fights �

I do recognize my faults

I see how much I hurt you by sleeping with someone so quickly and then telling you I was okay with it

My fault. Again

So what was it that you were taking accountability for again?

Im not saying that st all

Im recognizing that it was shitty of me to jump to sleeping with someone

That it made it seem like what we had wasnʼt worth much

If that were me it would have hurt a lot

And Iʼm sorry that I did that and hurt you

I donʼt think you are really vindictive

I think you are so full of anger you donʼt know what to do

You donʼt think I can understand your pain that you want to inflict pain on me

And when was the first time you have said any of that?

Im sorry for suggesting to wait until after vacation

I know I can compartmentalize and espace. I should know that itʼs not the same for you - as the one feeling the hurt and as the type of person whose mind doesnʼt stop

I should have taken time out for you

Don't marginalize my hurt because "my mind doesn't stop". Any reasonable person I know would have been hurt and not been able to put it aside. You've been hurt by less from me and not been able to put it aside

I didnʼt intend to marginalize your hurt

Im sorry

What you did was horrible and hurtful and then you What you did was horrible and hurtful and then you tried to make me feel that my hurt wasn't justified.

It is justified

I would feel hurt too

You wanted me to be considerate of your feelings and wait until it was convenient for you to reflect on it

In hindsight that was cold

And inconsiderate

I was pushing it away

And Iʼm sorry

There is no end to the pain you are willing to make me endure so that you don't have to face just how shitty you are.

I donʼt know how to respond to that

I wish that wasnʼt true

How are you ok with who you are?

Is that a helpful question?

It's a question I don't think you are willing to actually answer. Even to yourself

Thatʼs for me to think about

If I could bet that you won't in Vegas, I'd put the trailer on it

Can we just talk

I want to hear about your day

You don't deserve to hear about my day. I came up with hints for you yesterday, but you never cared enough to ask

It was the best day of my life as a dad and I wanted to tell you all about it, but you simply aren't there for me. I'm responsive when you want me, but you're absent when I have wanted you

How are you ok with who you are and how you have treated me?

Im sad to not hear the details but Iʼm glad to hear you had such a great day with Mallory

How are you ok with who you are and how you have treated me?

Im not

Iʼve made mistakes

How generic

I canʼt do this anymore

If you want to talk on the phone call me

I feel like this is the fights from last year happening all over again

Fuck hit

You

Im serious

Thatʼs how I feel

Like I donʼt know what to say

That I get criticized for not saying the right thing

That I feel something is wrong with me

That Iʼm getting so stressed out by this

There is something wrong with you. You say that you're shitty to but don't do anything to change it. You can't even identify what you are going to work on

"I've made mistakes" is the most bullshit generic non accountability statement you can make

It's just like "I'm not perfect"

Want to know why you have anxiety? Here's the Want to know why you have anxiety? Here's the short cut: you keep fucking up your life and blaming it on everyone else. Instead of actually changing it, you play the victim.

No thatʼs not why

But thanks for your opinion

Oh right. It's your mom's fault?

Nope

John I want to stop this

I donʼt want to keep going in circles with you

I guess I'm going to make some mistakes too. I'm not going to be the only one who feels like shit

What does that mean?

The only way you seem to pay attention or care is if you get hurt too

Please leave me alone

Iʼm sorry

I'll stay out of your life, but you're not going to be able to forget me any time soon

I just want to leave you peacefully

What does that mean?

What are you threatening me with?

Please stop

You can't seem to stop blaming me, and I need to figure out what the truth is. You can't seem to face it, so I'll find out from others

What do you mean?

Why are you tormenting me?

I'm going to fucking talk to your ex and anyone else I think I can triangulate the truth from because all you do is blame me No you will not

Stay out of my life

Fuck you. That's exactly what I needed to push me over

Leave me the fuck alone

I will

You fucking piece of shit

I hate you

Get over me

Move the fuck on

At least I'm going to find out if you really are the pattern. Or if it's just the men you pick. You fucking bitch

Live your own goddam life

You have serious fucking issues

Ok. I will

Yep

Iʼm serious John

Please leave me alone and donʼt talk to anyone in my life

It will only hurt me

And my kids

Please donʼt do that

Or it will right the wrong of me telling the parenting evaluator that you are stable and he was aggressive

Fuck you Fuck you

Call me

Right now

Call me right now

Panda

Please

Panda panda panda

I'm a fucking piece of shit, remember you bitch?

I'm getting over you

Fuck you

Please leave my ex out of this

I'm burning this relationship to the ground

Who are you?

The person you keep saying I am

You are not the good man I thought you were

I see the real John now

Yeah, I'm messaging Alex too. Don't really give a fuck any more

Stop please

John please

Panda Panda

Panda

Please

Didn't work when I said it

Panda

I just want to hug you

And end this madness

Are you ok?

Hello?

Of course I'm not ok. But I'm not going to be the only one.

Iʼm really not ok right now

Consequences are rough. Maybe you not learning that is on your mom

Can you not be vindictive?

Thatʼs not who you are

I'm guessing it's not too Muneer was either, but I'm going to find out

Stop threatening me

Please donʼt contact my ex

Not a threat anymore

What did you do?

What you told me to do. Moving on tell me what you did I'm going to take an Ambien and get some rest. You're going to have a mess to clean up in the morning, so you might want to get some sleep too

John please

Who are you?

Please call me

I am the person you keep telling me I am

Please John call me

You convinced me

I need to talk to you

Call me please?

I have fucking issues

I need to hear your voice

I am a piece of shit

I need to know Iʼm not crazy

Please

I need to move on

Iʼm angry

You are crazy.

I said a lot of shit

Just talk to me?

No thanks. I'm making new friends. They might be nicer

I know how mad you are

Well, Alex might not. I don't imagine he's going to be happy Put it aside for a minute to talk to me pelade

Please

Did you messGe Alex?

Why are you doing this to me?!?!

Cecile is his mom's name, right? Want to make sure my message doesn't get lost in spam or anything

Please stop

This is killing me

Iʼm sobbing uncontrollably

Stop

Please

You are hurting le

PleZe stop

Burying me

Hurting

Oh? Gosh, that must suck

Iʼm so sorry

It's not sorry if you have to be hurt in return.

Regret vs remorse. Either way

Please hear my voice

Please talk to me

I'm tired of your lies. You've said sorry so many times before

You made your point

Iʼm the shiftiest person This time you'll feel the regret for a long time

Not just temporarily

You were my best friend

I had an adventure today that I wanted to share with you

I wanted to hear about your adventure with Mallory

I didnʼt want this to be happening

Huh, wonder how things would have been different if you shared that in the 6 hours you ignored me

Can you stop for a minute

Please

Call me

Letʼs stop this for a minute

Let me hear your voice

Stopping for a minute... Could have done that before you fucked Jon. I'm still trying to figure out what to say to him without looking crazy

Iʼm trying to call you but my calls arenʼt going through

Can you call me?

Because I'm declining them

Please pick up?

Remember when I sat on your porch for half hour and you didn't answer me?

Yes

Oh, then there were the times I tried calling you but you were fucking Amanda

Karma is a bitch

Okay Okay

If you donʼt want to talk then Iʼm going to try and sleep

That's probably a good idea

Iʼll ask you a final time to please not message anyone in my life

Since you're going to tell Amanda anyway, might want to give her a heads up.

What do you mean?

Please donʼt message them

John please

Iʼm not telling any of this tonight to anyone

Bullshit

I will not tell Amanda

Or my mom or sheli

You've already talked enough shit about me, I don't really care

Iʼm so sad

I am so fucking hurt

And sad

I was telling my cousin today about the dark sky reserves and that you were there. And I was lookinf up at the stars here which are incredible and thinking how much more incredible they are with you and that I want to hear what you saw now I donʼt know who you are m

I'm the person you keep saying I am

The one to blame The one to blame

The bad pick

The irresponsible I've

One

I went off-roading today and wanted to tell you how exhilarating it was

And scary

I'm rigid, critical, judgemental

Don't pander to me

Iʼm not

You could have told me that instead of ignoring me.

Iʼm sorry for he silence

I didn't send or post any photos yesterday or until late today because I wanted you to be the first to see. I'm a fucking idiot

No youʼre not

Bullshit. You know exactly what your silence does to me

Can we have a do over?

You do it on purpose. And don't fucking lie to me and say you don't

Please?

I do it to escape

I get overwhelmed

You think about reaching out and then don't. You try to hurt me

Itʼs not right

Please letʼs just have a do-over

I've tried that. I'm not going to go for it just because I've tried that. I'm not going to go for it just because you want to avoid the consequences

I genuinely want to connect with you

If you wanted a do over because of how shitty you've been to me, I would have done it even after you swallowed another guy's cum.

Fuck you

Yes I do want another chance after how shitty I have been to you

You only care because you don't want to be hurt

Partially

I wanted to sit and write you a letter

I wanted to hand write it

And deliver it to you

I've never done anything to hurt anyone. Even Holly and I were friendly. All I want now is for you to face your shit and I'll make sure you do

Might have been effective last week

Okay

Of course you'd have to deliver it to my rented house

I don't own a house like Jon does

Oh, if you came inside it wouldn't feel like a home.

I should include that in the note to Jon. Just in case he thinks you like him for who he is. It's really just his money you're after, right?

Sleep well

Before my dad used to beat me, I'd always get the Before my dad used to beat me, I'd always get the "this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you" speech. Not true. But know that it did take me several drinks to do it.

7/4/19, 1034 AM I hate you

7/4/19, 142 PM K

7/4/19, 248 PM Text me first and I will call you.

This is not a good fucking time to be late and not give me a heads up

Here

Wireless is not working well

Are my texts going through now?

Are you there?

I just got them. I need to stop and get Mallory's headphones setup and then will call you

Lost service

Talk later then

Iʼll email you tonight

If you fucked up at work and forgot to send Paul an email that took an hour to write and you just remembered, would you hang out with family and send it later tonight? What if he text you and said he needed it right away?

You could have started the email last night, this morning, in the car ride back from the lake... I'm at the end of my rope.

Writing now Writing now

Iʼm just so slow with these things

The past letters took me 3+ hours

I donʼt want to rush

And that has destroyed the person who has given you the most

Slow while you write is good. Slow to write is horrible

True

This just feels right

Iʼm sorry I didnʼt do this before

If you need to take breaks and clear your head, I understand. The important thing is that you started and prioritize it. I ask that if you take breaks or it is taking a while, that you let me know how it's going so that I don't have to wait in silence

Are my texts going through?

Just got back in a service area

This is essentially what I did while in the Caribbean and a few times since. I wish I had done it earlier than that

7/4/19, 634 PM Iʼll send you what I wrote. Iʼm sure Iʼve missed saying something important but itʼs a start. Just got back to a service area

How do you feel?

Crappy for being stubborn

You?

Sad

I'm not sure how long I'll have service

I tried calling back

Itʼs not going through

One in bed

Almost there. Had an issue to address

Talk?

I tried calling

7/4/19, 1119 PM Full blown freak out

Sheʼs sick

Sheʼs still going

Well Mallory fell asleep so I can't drive anymore tonight

7/5/19, 1242 AM Sheʼs freaking

So am i

Iʼll call you back

This is terrible

I'm fucking livid. You are most defensive about the things that hit closest to home. The fact that you can't even acknowledge the appearance proves to me that its a bigger reason than I thought

Here's a clue: if you had to get affirmation from your therapist about it, you already know it was true.

I didnʼt even tell you what I told my therapist

Fuck you. I'll ask your ex his opinion

I did acknowledge the appearance but I felt you were twisting my words

I'm done with you denying everything

I have been acknowledging a whole lot of what you are saying

Another fucking argument

I am that with sincerity

Youʼve made some very good points

Seriously

Iʼm not retrying to fight

I said you deny and your immediate response is that you aren't

Iʼve been trying to listen and not deny

All you do is fight

Another argument

Fuck it

John

I'm messaging him now

I'm creating some Instagram polls. See what my 13,000 followers think. Maybe I'll fucking tag Alex and Amanda in one to see what people think about you convincing me that I mattered more than her and then you fuck her 2 weeks after you take me out for my birthday

Thatʼs mean

You're mean

I'm done bearing the pain done

Alone

I don't care if I look crazy. I pacing the fucking parking lot of the place I pulled over so I could hear you out

Letʼs talk in person Sunday

Fuck no

Put everything back out in the table

You're not going to want to talk to me after tonight

I'm burning the fucking world to make you feel some of the pain you've caused me

I'm done weeping over this shit. It's your turn to weep

I blocked you on Instagram, but maybe one of your friends can send you a screenshot �

I'll ask them too

Talk Sunday. FUCK THAT SHIT

Poll #1 posted

Next is the one about Amanda

Think this will do it?

Ok, don't respond. I'll post it and see how it goes

Maybe a photo will help the poll

I donʼt want to fight you

Have fun explaining this then

I was going to just ask Muneer if he wanted to meet and clear the air, but I'll follow up asking if he knew that you dropped acid during your divorce and lied about it. Then he will have it in writing

I have it in writing from you too

Sent. Anything else you want to tell me I don't want to do?

I have 10 min to delete it I have 10 min to delete it

Sofia is scared and upset

Iʼve woken up my parents

Iʼm helping Sofia

I will live with this pain and anger a little while longer for her sake

I took the poll down. But I'm ready to explode, I don't know what to do with this hurt.

What poll?

The one on Instagram

Of what?

That's what you fucking care about

Stop tormenting me

Fine. That's what you care about, I'm resending everything

I tell you I don't know what to do with this hurt and all you fucking care about is yourself

Feel like a mouse being played with by the cat

I am trying

To acknowledge the hurt

And show you I care

Iʼm sad that I canʼt lessen the pain

Iʼm sad you donʼt believe me

Iʼm sad you donʼt feel I care

Oh? You are trying to acknowledge the hurt and Oh? You are trying to acknowledge the hurt and lessen the pain?

But please stop threatening me

I wanted to know what you did

More than you wanted to acknowledge the pain

How far you went

Iʼve been trying too all night

Sofia needs me to lay with her

I donʼt know what else to do now

Iʼm going to go be with her

I was willing to pause until you skipped over that part and just wanted to know about the poll

No acknowledgement that I was willing to live with the pain and anger a while longer for her sake.

Not a word about my torment, just that you feel tormented.

Fall asleep. Escape your pain. I doubt that I'll be sleeping tonight

Sofia is awake

Iʼm trying to comfort her

I know I tormented you

Ok. I'm trying to calm the rage inside.

I am sorry for the push/pull

Can we plan to talk another time?

We are driving home tomorrow

I need to be up in a couple hours

You're telling that to the person who stopped driving to hear you out and now has even further to drive tomorrow

7/5/19, 844 AM 7/5/19, 844 AM Hi. How are you this am?

7/5/19, 1002 AM Are you there?

7/5/19, 1119 AM I'm angry and sad and tired

Are you on the road?

Yes

Every mile I drive I get more angry

:( Are you stopping to sight see?

Not sure

I'm settling on letting you hold yourself accountable first

Do you know how you're going to do that?

Not yet

Do you know who you need to hold yourself accountable to?

I donʼt think I know what you mean

Can you explain what you mean?

What did you think when I said hold yourself accountable?

You know, Iʼm not even sure.

Can you help me understand what you meant?

For the Amanda situation, I think it would likely be either coming clean to Alex or distancing yourself from Amanda

I think thatʼs for me to sort out Sounds like a fight not an "ok"

Not a fight

I want to focus on how I treated you

Mostly this spring

But before too

Fucking her is part of how you treated me

Do you really not know?

I did prioritize her

Reread the email you sent me. How much of how you treated me had to do with her?

Right

And then fucked her right after

I didnʼt fuck her

All while you were saying you need to focus on yourself and don't want anything with anyone else

I know I lied about that

I wasnʼt focusing on myself

I was insecure

Iʼm trying to fix that now

Iʼm sorry I lied to you and hurt you in the process

So part of taking accountability is taking accountability for what you did with her. During our relationship and right after

If you didn't fuck her, what did you do specifically? Because you told me at first that you fucked her

I think right after is outside of our relationship - I recognize my failures during our relationship with choosing her over you

Other than Amanda how can I make you understand Iʼm sorry for how I treated you?

I feel like you donʼt think I care

But I do

Ok, if you won't take accountability then I'll talk to Alex

Please stop threatening me

Taking accountability for your shit is how you show you're working on yourself

I feel like you are acting as a judge

I'm not going to fight you

I donʼt want you to threaten me anymore

I canʼt work to repair stuff when you do that

I can't believe a word you say when you don't take accountability

Sofia knows we are fighting and is scared

Sounds like you are blaming me

Iʼm sharing

Iʼm going to drive soon

Will be silent for a bit

How else do you take accountability if not for what you did with Amanda and Jon?

If you're going to be silent all afternoon again, then I'm not giving it anymore patience.

Ok. Just do what you need to do. I canʼt keep feeling tormented.

We can go our separate ways now John I tried to tell you that I could give you the opportunity yourself first but you told me it's not my business

Iʼll deal with my shot on my own

Shit

I didn't try to fight or threaten, quite the opposite

You fought back, so I'm going to do what I think is right

I feel like Iʼve been threatened for three days

Iʼve been sick to my stomach

Okay.

Would you be if you stopped fighting and listened? If you tried to actively make amends would I feel the need to push you to make amends?

I donʼt think we will ever talk again - I know you know this.

I donʼt know but the stress is making me nauseas

And that's better to you than listening and having a civil conversation

And really impacting me mentally and emotionally

And what has it been doing to me?

I imagine the same

You are only focused on yourself

I can hear and see you anguish

Itʼs painful

I sent the message today to compromise and give you the power to make amends yourself

You treated me like it has nothing to do with me and I shouldn't feel anything about it

I know that I need to deal with my Amanda obsession

I know that if I enter another relationship I need to have boundaries with her

That's not taking accountability

I'm to my limit

Okay

Bye John

Accountability is doing something

Fine. Just remember that it was easier for you to cut me off and not deal with things when you're cleaning up the mess

I tried to have a rational conversation but you immediately got defensive

I hope you get what you need by hurting me like you will

So don't talk to me again, I'll talk to others

Every time you convince me to calm down and not do it, then treat me like shit right away, I want to tell more people and tell them more things

I calmed down last night and tried to be reasonable this morning, but you can't help yourself

I canʼt have you treat me like this

I canʼt see how you would hurt me like this if you truly loved me

What a fucking hypocrite

I have been trying to understand my love for you

Itʼs not simple

My mom needs me to drive for a couple hours.

Be away Iʼll be away

Have your dad do it or put it off

I canʼt

She going to sleep

I'm not going to keep suffering because you have to be there for other people

My dad is in another car

I pulled the fuck over and put Mallory in the trailer last night for you

Need to drive now

I have no choice

Yes you do

Nobody can force you to drive

I am driving now John. My mom has my phone for directions.

I'm about to start texting all sorts of shit turn

Then

7/5/19, 335 PM I invited Muneer to drinks. You're welcome to reach out to any of my exes. I'm guessing any of them will tell you that I'm a pretty genuine, thoughtful person.

I'd like to ask about one thing. If you answer genuinely, I'll put everything behind me and move on in peace

7/5/19, 726 PM Panda

7/5/19, 839 PM Panda

7/7/19, 603 PM Panda

7/12/19, 849 AM 7/12/19, 849 AM Hi. You don't have to respond. There was a 4.6 earthquake in Everett early this morning. If you can, try to take off early and work from home... if this is a precursor to a larger earthquake like last week, you do not want to be in Seattle. Make sure you have food/water at the house. The chances of a larger earthquake here are still low, so don't get freaked out... just be prepared

7/30/19, 600 PM I'm trying to calm down before I talk with him. If you want to write or talk calmly later, that's fine.

I saw your msg. Weʼre you trying to call back?

I can talk to you later. I'm trying to calm myself so I can stick to my plan and boundaries

I am opposed to you talking to my ex but I realize thatʼs out of my control.

Ok. Get angry. I'm not sure what you want from me

I want you not to talk to my ex

It makes me feel violated in some way

This should show just how much you are void of empathy. You are only willing to pretend to be sorry to get what you want

Im not pretending anything. When we spoke on that Sunday I meant what I said. When I sent you emails I meant what I said. When I came to the cigar club with my breakthrough and could tie that to my behaviors with you I meant what I said.

Why is it that you only reached out when it was something you wanted then?

I've told myself that I won't tell him anything that could affect your parenting plan today. If we seem to connect and meet up again, I'll make decisions as I figure things out

Im opposed to you meeting with him at all. You know that. If that's your response, then there's no reason to talk any more

If you only give when you get something, then it's not empathy or accountability.

Iʼve never taken back the words Iʼve said and written you about my ownership in hurting you and damaging our relationship. I will still stand by those. It was heartless of me to block you the way I did after a peaceful ending on the Sunday. For that I am sorry. I know that it caused you suffering and I chose coldness over kindness.

When i reflected on what happened I couldnʼt see past my anger and hurt.

Maybe youʼll find the closure you need by talking to my ex but it will hurt and betray me and you know that.

I hope you find peace. Goodbye John.

7/30/19, 1132 PM 14 minutes. That's how long it took from you pretending to take accountability to telling be goodbye and discarding me

Can u talk?

Why? I'm tired of being manipulated by you

5 min

This is what I got when I asked you to talk with me

Yes

Of course that was before you stopped responding at all Yes

And I'm supposed to believe that you want to talk now because you are sorry and not because you want something? i want to get to a place of peace for both of us

Stop. That might have meant something last week

Okay Iʼll stop

2 min?

Do you really think I'm more likely to be manipulated by you after an evening talking to Muneer?

I think we both need peace

The only place I get none of from you

I had the full intention of being kind and listening to you after I was finished talking to him. But it took 14 minutes until you couldn't resist being a fucking shit again

Your anger will destroy you

I have a lot of anger

I need to deal with my anger

On that we agree

I want to put my anger aside and talk for a min. Can you do the same?

K. I have to finish some work for tomorrow.

My primary emotion isn't anger, Sarah. Not because you have more reason to be angry, you don't. I'm just not like you.

Hurt?

Regret �

You were dishonest from the beginning. I'm not sure if you're ever been honest. I'm not going to start believing you now

This seems relevant right now

How so?

I was livid when I wrote that

Yet you have no compassion for how livid I was. Empathy does not exist in you.

I was going to try and defend myself but I wonʼt

Resisting the defensive urge

I need to get some sleep now

Don't contact me anymore. It's so easy to see through you now. Muneer and I had a good talk and he invited me to meet again any time I want. Like I've said, you're more than welcome to talk to my ex at any time if you think she can relate to you

7/31/19, 552 PM I'm willing to meet you at a coffee shop or something this evening if you feel like you have things to talk about for your own peace. As much as I want to treat you as cruel as you've treated me, that's not who I am and not who I want to become

Hi. Would sometime on the weekend work instead?

No. I'm leaving tomorrow and won't be back until Monday

I canʼt this evening, tomorrow at 11 near your work?

If you can't, you can't. If you can't, you can't.

I have plans with my kids. Iʼm still at work and need to meet them now at a friends.

Ok. It was an offer, you don't have to take it.

Itʼs that or nothing?

You're impossible. I offer something and you want to negotiate what is better for you. I'm not changing my plans to do what's better for you - not after how you've treated me

Im not asking you to change your plans. Iʼm asking you if you are free another time to talk.

I shouldn't have even offered. You can say yes, you can say no. You can't ask anything of me after you've treated me like shit. The offer was a gift, you don't get to exchange it for something you like better

I just canʼt take tonight work unless you want to talk on the phone when the kids go to bed?

Try this. "I appreciate the offer, I know that after the way I've treated you I don't deserve for you to ever talk to me again. I have plans tonight and they are more important, so I'm not going to break them. Thank you though."

I do appreciate you reaching out with the offer

Im sorry i canʼt make it work tonight. If you change your mind later let me know.

You're not a victim, it's your choice. Just like everything you've done is a choice. I wasn't offering for me. I know that I won't get anything from you. I get more from Muneer than I ever got from you, so I'm fine with cutting contact, blocking each other, and sorting things out individually

Yes itʼs my choice. You know I have my kids tonight.

I unblocked you btw

I also know that you could find a sitter if you wanted to, but you didn't even try.

I saw that, and I just blocked you. Last night and now are great reminders of just how self centered you are and how little empathy you have. You didn't even say that you appreciated my offer until I wrote it for you.

7/31/19, 822 PM Ok. I'm sure we've both had enough. I want to go back to no contact. I'll wait a short bit for a response before blocking you on text because I know it doesn't feel good to not have that opportunity to respond. This conversation has brought back a lot of hurt for how little you have valued or appreciated me

7/31/19, 936 PM I can't know what your silence actually means to you, but it brings back a lot of hurt for me. I don't know why I keep trying to reach a peaceful end... it seems that the only thing you know is complete destruction.

I have wrestled with wanting to repay cruelty with cruelty. I took time to calm down after we talked last night, after your mom attacked me on LinkedIn, so I wouldn't say anything that would hurt you. You have to live with not being able to influence or fully know what I say to who, and I won't protect you from that anymore. I need to start defending myself and that starts tonight.

Goodbye, good luck, I hope things work out for the best for you in the end.

Im trying to figure what to write

I want a peaceful end

But I struggle with not knowing how you might respond to what I say. I wish I could know the right words to bring peace.

Why do you continue with threats?

SMS with +1 (206) 816-5231 Im trying to figure what to write

I want a peaceful end

Why do you continue with threats? Why do you continue with threats?

But I struggle with not knowing how you might respond to what I say. I wish I could know the right words to bring peace.

iMessage with +1 (206) 816-5231 8/1/19, 209 AM I just wrote an email to the parenting evaluator and will forward it to Muneer. What you said to me shows who you really are. I will never talk to you again, but I will do everything to make sure that you cannot abuse those girls like you have abused so many other people.

I don't care if everyone thinks I'm a monster. I'm going to protect those children from the person you really are. Nobody should ever try to hurt others like you do and it's only a matter of time before you hurt them more than you have already.

Muneer asked some leading questions yesterday that I wouldn't answer. I can tell where his mind is at and I will help him with whatever he needs.

I will be a monster if that's what it takes to show the monster you are. At least I have truth and facts on my side.

You're absolutely right in that I have trauma with my parents. I was beaten bloody on more occasions than I can count. You think you've blocked things out from childhood. I don't remember much, what I do remember was horrific, and I'm scared of what I don't remember.

I would rather relive those 18 years for the rest of my life than relive the two years I wasted on you even once. Your hatred and narcissistic rage knows no limits.

Anyone who is willing to bring up childhood abuse and intentionally use it to abuse the victim again should never be around children.

I'm in defense mode now, and not for myself. Sofia and Lucy deserve much better than you ever will be. I've already seen you hurt them, and it's crystal clear to me that you have no limit to how much you will hurt them in the future. Muneer has the girls this weekend, and I will cancel my plans to meet with him, tell him everything, and support whatever he thinks is best.

You didn't lose a friend, you created a crusade. I would rather be the monster you keep saying I am than stand by and let Sofia and Lucy suffer. Delivered