the Duel Observer Volume XVI, Issue I “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.” August 27, 2010

Breaking News: WE ARE THE DUEL OBSERVER!! And we’re here to make you think about smurfs, satire & stuff Freshmen Have Summer Reading, Rest of Somebody Poisoned The Campus LOLs Waterhole! Upperclassmen see 3D instead Contaminated water supply creates perfect By Mr. Grebey ’12 opportunity for back-to-school blame game Reading opens doors dept. By Mr. Sinton ’13 (NOT VIETNAM) Upperclassmen were thrilled to have dodged a bullet: for the What the fuck is trihalomethane dept. first time, incoming freshmen were assigned a mandatory summer reading book. (HAMILTON COLLEGE WATER DISTRICT) The Things They Carried, a harrowing tale of the Vietnam War, was chosen in a vote Over the summer, Hamilton College publicly announced— “Get it? I say the title held at the end of last year. It narrowly beat out runners if non-descript, wordy e-mails count as announcements— of this article...and there’s a snake in my boot!” up Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, Green Eggs and that some crackpot outfit called the ‘Oneida County Health Ham, and The Kama Sutra. Department’ had given them some silly ‘notice of violation’ for ‘exceeding [the] maximum By having the entire freshmen class read the allowable contamination level’ for the water supply or whatever. Outrage didn’t ensue. same book, the assignment hoped to foster a sense The Administration tried to downplay the contamination. of unity, and according to many freshmen, it worked. “Yes, some studies ‘prove’ that this type of contamination leads to an increased “My roommate and I were brought together by risk of cancer, miscarriage and birth defects,” college spokesperson John Nitterman O’Brien’s expert use of metaphors and symbolism,” Tom Jr. admitted, “and yes, maybe similar levels of chloroform, bromodichloromethane Timothy ’14 said, “which is great, because I thought I was and dibromochloromethane cause cancer and effect the liver, kidney, nervous sys- going to hate my roommate since he’s a bleeding heart tem and the ability to bear healthy offspring, yadda yadda yadda, whatever.” Nitter- Obamanaut and I’m a bigoted conservative tea-partier.” man went on to say that the real story was “how much money the College would “They say nothing brings people together like save because infertile students don’t need free condoms.” They carried guns. The end. mutual hatred, like America after 9/11 or when While resident aqua-genius Steve Bellona says the poisoned water is techni- Maid in Manhattan hit theaters,” Brian Young ’14 added. “Now the class of 2014 cally the Mohawk Valley Water Authority’s fault, campus groups reacted to the will be forever bonded by a mutual hatred of the Vietnamese War, that Martha news by blaming people they hated. bitch, and water buffalo.” “Motherfuckin’ BP!” College Democrats President Kevin Hill ’11 shouted. “I haven’t Meanwhile, upperclassmen expressed other opinions on the summer reading, got the proof yet, but I just know it was them. I’ve never liked those Brits. First the pelicans, mostly those of relief. now the freshmen? Who’s next, the Waifs of Rhode Island?!?” “I’m glad my class didn’t have to read a book over the summer,” Nicole Myers Self-styled investigative reporter Samantha Gee ’14 disagreed with Hill. ’11 said. “I would’ve hated to have to do any work over the summer. I just had my 60 “The Health Department found dangerously high levels of chloroform in hour per-week internship. And then my other internship. And my lifeguarding job to the water, so the first thing I did was investigate the Greek Scene. Delta Iota make money. And those nights working the red light district. Oh God, I’m so tired.” Kappa got pretty touchy when I asked them about it. But like actually touchy— The Administration was pleased with the results of the summer reading assignment. they kept draping their arms around my shoulders and asking if I wanted to play “I bet Colgate didn’t have their freshmen read a classic piece of American ’ruit. I told them the only ’ruit I was interested was the ’ruit of this issue.” literature,” President Joan Hinde Stewart gloated. “18th place in U.S. News rank- The campus may never know the real culprits behind the poisoned water system. ings! Suck on these nuts #21!” Especially because those chem majors refuse to tell anyone about their summer project.

rofessor to ffer ourse about the two essay prompts, mother breastfeeding him, and we used that as an on- P O C which require students to com- ramp for discussing themes such as nurturing and love.” On Himself pare the intensity of my infant Associate Professor Nart Bugglefus will teach Edible panties have nothing to do with this ar- facial expressions to the fiery the course in the spring, when Grudge-Panties will ticle courage of my teenage poetry.” go on sabbatical to study himself in a diverse and By Mr. Piskor ’13 As a beacon of free in- culturally significant range of mirrors located along Milfs and midgets dept. tellectual thought in a world the Mediterranean. Prof. Bugglefus is overwhelmed (HILLARY CLINTON, NY) Students interested plagued by close-mindedness, by the class’s avant-garde nature, but he is excited “to in their professors’ lives will find curricular bliss this this course will continue to explore a subject I used to not give a shit about.” semester. Professor Fitzwilliam Grudge-Panties, a vis- make the college catalogue Grudge-Panties’ fervor is infectious: “Readers Check out his beacon iting professor in the Comparative Literature depart- more progressive than it was in of free intellectual should know they will read ‘Relating the Self to My ment, will offer a course on himself entitled “The Lit- the days of courses focused on thought! And by ‘bea- Self: An Adventure Through Selfhood Using Myself ’ if con,’ we mean penis. erature and Sociology of Me: A Comparative Study.” nude Greek gentlemen. they take this course; such a classic cannot be missed! “I’m really excited about teaching this course,” “This class is just so wicked insightful!” Jack Bigballs In the future, I think this class should sink deeper, emo- Grudge-Panties commented. “I’m especially excited ’14 exclaimed. “Like, today, he showed us a picture of his tionally, spiritually and physically into Grudge-Panties.”

sunday tuesday thursday Words of Wisdom with Hotdog Man Abducts Freshman ast adeleine lbright

c M A Forced Friendships Forced Volunteering Forced Education ore F

“Madeleine Albright is thrilled that Hamil- ton gets Bravo and the Food Network now. Seriously, this is really exciting.” 39% chance the “I can’t get blazed High probability 19-year-old fresh- of thinking KJ rientation man spent his gap tonight, I have is modeled after year working at Hamilton Serves an M. C. Escher O Quiznos tomorrow.” painting See “The Bratwurst Bodysnatcher,” pg. 8 . ’13 r M By Mr. Grebey ’12 Grebey By Mr.

Why The Things I Did Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Friday Five: Most This Summer Prove New ELS Is a Dream Within a Unexpected Summer E-Mails That I’m Selfless and Dream Within a Dream By Mr. Zappala ’12 Socially Aware By Mr. Hess ’13 5. Student Parking System Overhauled: Wait, so now By Ms. Riemer-Peltz ’12 By now, you probably have seen the new hot spot on any registered student can park in any student lot? This summer, I left the culturally bland campus, the Sadove Student Center. Like a flesh-eating How dare you talk sense! zombie bent on killing us all, ELS has risen from the grave, United States to go to France and learn 4. SEVERE HEAT ADVISORY: It’s rumored but bigger and better than anyone could ever have imagined. their European ways of life. As it turns that, for about a half-hour, temperatures went A group of students, likely deriving inspiration from out, France is struggling in many ways— as high as 81 degrees. Then it snowed. director Christopher Nolan’s recent remake of The Ma- their population is tragically dwindling and Editor’s Note: Freshmen, you will get this joke in trix, believes the new ELS could only be the product of some of them don’t even speak English! about two months Therefore, I devoted my summer to mak- a “fake world” that we are all cybernetically connected to. Registration Times No Longer Selected ing France a better place while still respect- This group has resorted to extremist tactics to attempt to 3. Arbitrarily: Students may now get into classes ing their lifestyle choices and all that other “wake” themselves, including a recent mass jump off the they prefer or require for their major as early as stuff Good Samaritans are supposed to do roof of Dunham that left three students mildly injured. second semester sophomore year. or something: “For the entirety of last year, ELS wouldn’t have stood out in central Detroit,” Jerry O’Connor ’12 explained. “I’m • I taught everyone how to play leap-frog in or- 2. ResLife to Improve Fire Alarm System, Students gone for two and der to help them appreciate their nation’s mascot. to Sleep Through the Night: …Sorry, that one was a half months, and admittedly a bit of a stretch. • I respected French tradition by wearing a they build a fuck- beret all the time and not shaving my armpits. ing McMansion in 1. Legion of Doom Refuses to Use New Sadove Student Center as Hideout: “ELS worked for us because it had • Whenever I saw one of their red, white, its place. Either this that decadent, evil feel to it,” Lex Luthor said. “Now and blue striped flags, I felt so sad that the isn’t reality or I am look! It’s shiny and there are trees and shit. We’d like to French nation was left with such a plain seriously tripping.” go back to the Burke Library again.” looking flag. So I helped hem out by adding One of the in- more stripes and drawing stars everywhere! jured students, Mel- anie Johnson ’13, Want to Get Laid? • My host family and I went for a picnic remains under psy- So do we.* once, and they were totally inconvenienced These tapioca balls are just a Come make jokes about it at The Duel meeting on chiatric evaluation projection of your subconscious by having to carry heavy (and breakable) after the incident. Sunday, August 29th at 7pm in KJ 101** bottles of wine. I introduced them to the “I became most concerned after Mel tried to explain *No, but seriously, we get laid all the time. Well sometimes, portable boxed delights of Franzia so they to me how deep she felt the last 15 seconds of wouldn’t have to work as hard! I guess. were,” her close friend, Jamie Oliver ’13 commented. “She **Did we make it clear that we’re looking for writers? If not, • The host family I stayed with ate such says she jumped because she doesn’t accept the concept come tell us about it on Sunday! modest portions at meal times. I hated of an ELS basement that to see them go unfed, so I surprised them isn’t a graffiti covered heap the Duel Observer with an American-style dinner of mashed of excrement, but I think it potatoes, freedom fries, yams, and double had a lot more to do with Brittany Dawn Tomkin Editor-In-Chief/Piranha 3D bacon cheeseburgers. Leo Dicaprio and his mag- William Cameron Sinton II • I couldn’t bear to see such young teenag- ic dreidel.” Editor-Out-Chief/Scott Pilgrim vs. The World ers already addicted to cigarettes. I needed While no doubt Chris- jake christopher zappala to save these innocent children from health topher Nolan’s two-hour Managing Editor/The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Team Jacob) dangers, so I introduced them all to heroin experiment in mental mas- alicia taylor Specht turbation is to blame for Layout Editor/The Girl Who Played With Fire to help them kick the habit! This is how you have to get this incident, physicists at Katherine Helene still around the third floor Photo Journalist/The Other Guys So as you can see, I spent my summer help- Hamilton have been hard Bruce Springsteen ing other people. And how’d you spend at work attempting to prove or disprove this terrifying yours, huh? Doing a summer internship? The Boss theory. Senior Staff Writers Volunteering at some animal shelter or “The law of conservation of mass clearly states that James atticus grebey something? I saved a fucking country. you can’t make awesomeness out of a pile of shit,” Physics Lesley Elizabeth Ryder Department Chair Dave Conrad said. “I strongly believe Staff Writers amr Rouvan Mahmud Reactions to that our research will conclude that this is all a dream. andrew Lee Robinson BA-DUM!” Kevin nathaniel hess oy tory Amanda marie o’brien 15% T S 3 While Conrad cautions against cult-like suicide as a “What happened to the sociopath from the Katherine Jane Adams haley isadora riemer-peltz first one?” manner of achieving “the kick,” he believes that students 4% should prepare themselves for the event that everyone Crawford mckinley charman “Now that toys 5% “wakes up.” He forsees a world that consists of an ELS Contributors “So Lot- have ac- jonathan everett piskor permanently under construction, the inexistence of great so is the cepted The Dearly Departed Carebear death, so can names speakers, and a world where the question “who the William page leubsdorf Jay-Z?” I...” hell is Justin Bieber?” is not uncommon. shil-yee stephanie wong 64% thomas huntington victor yarnell 12% “I miss my childhood :’(.” Comments? Email [email protected] “Where the >.01% Fine Print: The Duel Observer is a publication of the Hamilton College Media Board, and is pub- fuck is An- Complaints? Or find us on the interweb! lished every Friday. The facts and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily true “I didn’t see it. I hate kids. Love, or indicative of staff opinions. Any resemblance to persons, organizations, or institutions real or Recipes? http://students.hamilton.edu/duel/ imagined, is purely coincidental. Coincidences are coincidences. dy’s father?” Brittany Tomkin.”