Session 1: My Journey Begins

You are about to begin a journey that will take you deeper into your life experiences. Leader’s Note: You are joining with others in what we call a Journey Group. Together we will look Explain how the at people and events that have left an imprint on our hearts. This will be a journey time is organized of discovery. Some of it will be painful, some will be surprising and some will be and share the exciting. We hope you will gain a greater understanding and appreciation for your purpose of the story, as well as an increased awareness of grace and a deeper intimacy with the Journey Group. Author of your story. Let the participants know that on this journey they are in Session 1: Journey Map the driver’s seat. We sit next to them and comment on the journey as tour !Homework guides. Fellow passengers will also tThe Purpose of a Journey Group...... 2 comment as well as take their turn tThe Good Samaritan...... 3 behind the wheel. t Anticipating The Journey...... 4

. Teaching

t Stopping for the Wounded...... 6

t Personal Illustration: The Inn...... 9

 Journey Group

tJourney Group Guidelines...... 10

t Clues to Your Story...... 11

t Preparing To Tell Your Short Story...... 13

t Story Framing Questions...... 14

Journal Page...... 15 + Additional Material...... 17

1  The Purpose of a Journey Group

Leader’s Note: On any journey it’s good to know who your travel companions are and the purpose of the expedition. Journey Groups are designed to guide your journey of recovery Share highlights from the damage of wounds. Typically, your group of travelers has six members on the purpose of and two leaders and will be interacting together for the next nine sessions, looking this kind of special at each of your lives, past and present. group.

As we examine the past and talk about scenes of harm and disappointment, we also identify where we developed ways of coping that seemed right and worked for us as children. These ways of coping were designed to protect us from further pain. Now as adults, we see how our childish ways damage our present relationships with God and others. We can risk change.

Change occurs as we become more open and allow ourselves to feel, think and speak truth. The group strives to be an honest and loving mirror to one another. Deep change is the work of the Holy Spirit. Journey Groups offer tastes of what a Godly, loving community is meant to be.

Below are some ideas that characterize this particular journey and these travel companions. Members of a Journey Group…

1. Join with you to walk side-by-side on the journey to wholeness, aliveness and a deeper trust in God.

When we are 2. Place a high priority on confidentiality. Group members endeavor to be worthy connected to others, of one another’s trust. They understand that you are the only one who should we can experience tell your secrets and your story. Jesus in human form. 3. Invite you to feel whatever is inside, talk about it and not tell you how you should feel.

4. Know that they have not yet arrived even if they have been on this journey for a while. We are together in the struggle.

5. Believe that pain is part of coming alive and will produce growth and maturity. We will not try to rescue you out of your pain but will enter it with you.

6. Endeavor to talk through any offenses that occur in group and come to a resolution.

7. Value giving and receiving words spoken in love, releasing us to be the men and women God designed us to be.

2 The Good Samaritan 

As you begin this journey, consider where others have helped you, stopped for you and listened to you. The story of the Good Samaritan is a story of a man on a journey and another who stopped. Please read the passage below and consider any similarities to your own experiences.

And a lawyer stood up and put Him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall (Luke 10:25-37)1 I do to inherit eternal life?”

And He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How does it read to you?”

And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all you soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.”

And He said to him, “You have answered correctly; Do this and you will live.”

But wishing to justify himself, he said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

The Good Samaritan

Jesus replied and said, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho and fell among robbers and they stripped him and beat him and went away leaving him half dead.

And by chance a priest was going down that road and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. Likewise a Levite also, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.

But a Samaritan, who was on a journey, came upon him; and when he saw him, he felt compassion and came to him and bandaged up his wounds, pouring oil and wine on them; and he put him on his own beast and brought him to an inn and took care of him. On the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper and said, ‘Take care of him; and whatever more you spend, when I return I will repay you.’

Which of these three do you think proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell into the robbers’ hands?”

And he said, “The one who showed mercy toward him.” Then Jesus said to him, “Go and do the same.”

3  Anticipating the Journey

Leader’s Note: As you anticipate this journey, you may become aware of a variety of feelings, hopes and desires, as well as concerns. Your fellow travelers may be experiencing similar Be sure to cover thoughts and feelings. At the start of their journeys, other travelers have said… their responses in Group. Circle the thoughts and feelings that relate to you:

1. I want to be invisible. Share one or two 2. I want to be strong. I don’t need to be here. that relate. 3. I am afraid to be here. There is something I don’t want to talk about. 4. I have overwhelming feelings. 5. I am numb. 6. I don’t belong here. I don’t have secrets. 7. The things that happened in childhood don’t affect me now. 8. I am breaking denial. 9. What if someone finds out? 10. I am afraid of exposure. Who will see me? What will they say? 11. I had a wonderful childhood. I’m not sure why I’m here. 12. I’m excited and looking forward to the trip. 13. I want to leave before we start. 14. I am nervous and I want to change. I want to be different. 15. I want to figure out why I am angry. 16. I want my life to be different.

Write out your What are your questions as you start this journey? questions. 1. Is this a safe place?

2. Can my leaders handle me?

3. Will I enjoy my leaders?

4. Will I like my group?

5. Other questions?

4 After experiencing a Journey Group, the same people said…

1. I received honest feedback for the first time. 2. I got in touch with my feelings and thoughts. 3. There was a bond of shared experiences; I feel connected with others in my group. 4. I have words for things I feel. 5. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. 6. It’s a safe place. 7. I am valued for who I am. 8. I was treated with kindness and compassion. 9. I have learned and am encouraged. 10. I have established close friendships and trust. 11. There has been openness. 12. I was surprised by change. 13. This ministry kicked my butt and I needed it. 14. I’m finding the more I risk, the stronger I feel as a man. 15. It takes courage to let go of control. 16. I experienced restored relationships. 17. I met Jesus on this journey! 18. I feel much more comfortable responding to hurting people. 19. I stopped hating that part of me that was abused. Share or write down your responses. What are your hopes for the journey?

5  Stopping for the Wounded

Leader’s Note: How do you define compassion, mercy and love? Jesus illustrated these traits with Balance teaching a story about a wounded traveler left to die and a Samaritan who chose to stop. and story in your In this session, we will walk through the story found in Luke 10:25–37 from the 30 minutes. (20 perspective of the one who was wounded. minutes for your story/10 minutes for As you come to a Journey Group, you may know what wounded you or you may teaching) not. You may or may not be able to say who hurt you, or when or how you were hurt. You may question if what you remember is really so bad. You sense all is not as it should be and want more for yourselves and your relationships.

Consider weaving Maybe people have walked by and failed to see you or look at your wounds. Many your story in by of us have ignored our own wounds. Will the same thing happen here? We look answering the side around and wonder about each other. Is your story as bad as mine? Is mine really bar questions. that bad? What are you going to think when I tell you how I have been robbed, wounded and left alongside the road?

We want to see you, stop for you and give attention to your wounds. We want to provide a safe environment so the Lord can do His healing. You are worth stopping for. We want to love each other with the heart of the Samaritan: compassion, mercy, care and generosity. We want to grow in our ability to love this way.

The Good Samaritan

Jesus tells the story of a traveler making his way down from Jerusalem to Jericho. The 18-mile route worshippers regularly used on their way to and from Jerusalem, the center of worship, passed through a notoriously dangerous, rocky wilderness. Along the way, a traveler was assaulted by robbers. He was not simply held up. The robbers stripped him of his clothes and possessions, beat him severely and left him naked and half dead. He experienced the trauma of emotional and physical abuse and then was abandoned.

Perhaps you were going along, minding your own business, when out of the blue “robbers” assaulted you. Or perhaps, being keenly aware of danger, you were anxiously on guard. The robbers may have been strangers, friends, or family members. What occurred may have been a one time event or a daily encounter. God, speaking in Isaiah 42:22 (NKJV),2 sorrowfully describes His people as “a people robbed and plundered….they are for prey and no one delivers; for plunder and no one says, ‘Restore!’ ” At some point and to various degrees we have all been robbed.

What are some Some might blame the traveler for walking by himself, for being vulnerable to attack. things you have The traveler might have berated himself with any number of “if only” regrets. But said to yourself? the fact is that what happened was not his fault. He had no desire for his day to end this way, but the robbers clearly did. They plotted against him and waited.

6 Is it hard for you to accept that you were a victim of harm against you and the How long have you damage done to you was not your fault? been silent?

We are told a priest was traveling down the same road. He saw the wounded man, moved as far away from him as the road allowed and kept going. Perhaps he was heading to worship and feared that by stopping he would become ceremonially unclean or late. Was there someone who could have helped you, but whose theology or busy life kept him from being involved? Was there someone you expected help from who ignored you?

A religious scholar showed up. He knew the law well—it said he was to love God and his neighbor. But he also avoided the wounded man. Perhaps it was poor theology that kept the priest and the religious scholar from stopping and caring. Maybe their focus on self-righteousness kept them from identifying with the man in need. Or maybe it was their fear of being robbed themselves. Perhaps they felt too busy or too important to help. Whatever their reasons, they refused to get personally involved. The traveler was abandoned, alone and bleeding, his hope for rescue crushed as they walked away.

ŒŒ Who has refused to get personally involved in your life?

ŒŒ What do you believe about the people who passed by you?

Finally a man came along who was a social outcast—a despised Samaritan. He saw the wounded man and stopped. His heart went out to him. The Samaritan took what he had, oil and wine, and cleaned and bandaged the man’s wounds. Could it be that this Samaritan’s compassion and practical help were fueled by the healing he had experienced for his wounds? Samaritans were despised because of their mixed race and how they worshiped. The Jews were offended and went out of their way to avoid them. No doubt this man knew what it was like to be passed by.

We cannot really show God’s mercy to others until we grasp it for ourselves. The book of Hebrews3 tells us that we have a high priest, Jesus, who has compassion for our wounds because Jesus was wounded in the same way. He knows pain and suffering. He understands the struggle. He knows what it is to hope and be disappointed, to be wounded and abandoned.

We begin this journey by encouraging each person to wrestle with his or her own story and questions. We invite people to be curious about what is driving his or her behavior and impacting relationships. This process will reveal what we have come to believe about ourselves, other people and God.

7 Where have we lost the ability to love our neighbors as ourselves? It will be difficult to care about what others have lost if we have not seen, named and grieved over what we have lost. We have become far more concerned with our self-preservation than with mercy. The ways we learned to survive and protect ourselves end up harming our relationships. We will begin to examine the places where we have lost our awareness of who we are, or who we were meant to be by entering the scenes of our stories.

Leader’s Note: The Good Samaritan lifted the wounded traveler onto his donkey. He carried him to an inn, a safe place where he could receive care and would have the time he

needed to recover. The Samaritan was generous with his possessions. He paid for How have you been the man’s care out of his own pocket. cared for? Who stopped? ŒŒ Who has stopped for you?

ŒŒ Who has gently listened to your story, carefully attending to your wounds?

ŒŒ Who has taken you in and cared for you for a season?

ŒŒ Who has been generous on your behalf?

“Who was the neighbor to the man who was attacked?” Jesus asked. The answer was clear. It was not the one who simply knew his Bible, or the one who knew the law, but the one whose heart was moved with genuine compassion to such a degree that he stopped and showed mercy.

All of us are wounded travelers who need others to see us, stop for us and give attention to our wounds. We all need good Samaritans in our lives.

Journey Groups are intended to be an “inn,” a place to rest and a place that cares for people on their journey of restoration. In community with one another, we learn to give and receive mercy and love and to find more of the life God is calling us to. We want to apply God’s grace and truth to the very real wounds people carry and we long to see a spiritually strong and emotionally healthy community loving its neighbors well.

ŒŒ Are you aware of a wound which needs attention?

ŒŒ Do you need someone to stop for you?

ŒŒ Are you willing to allow them to care for you?

We look forward to hearing your stories in the sessions ahead.

8 Personal Illustration: The Inn

Journey Groups are designed to be an inn for you for a season. We want to give you the oil, wine, bandages, the time and care to begin healing. We want to direct you toward wholeness.

Mary didn’t know me and my frozen heart. When she asked, “Are you okay Beth?” Her perceptive eyes saw beyond my usual “just fine” reply to a weary, hollow young woman with a heart held captive by pain. My father’s anger, physical abuse and abandonment of me from birth, combined with years of sexual abuse by my step-father, ravaged my heart. My mother’s lack of protection and betrayal left me bitter. In my early twenties I confided in a few friends who responded with shock, rejection, fear and judgment. They said, “That stuff is in the past, you need to just get over it.”

I feared Mary’s offered kindness. What if she discovers who I really am? I worried. She stirred a longing to be believed and loved. Mary was safe. She tenderly cared for my wounds and spent hours listening to my stories. I heard for the first time, it was not my fault. Her words strengthened me in my relationship with God. Jesus began to breathe life into the broken places in my heart.

A few years later, I recognized that my heart needed deeper healing. My counseling experience left me flat. My hope sank. Would I be stuck forever? Surfing the internet, I discovered Open Hearts Ministry and Journey Groups. The offer to explore the damage within a community was different and intriguing.

I went with skepticism and suspicion. These Journey Group people needed to prove themselves and the material to me. I disliked trite answers or cheap grace. I wondered if they were a bunch of weak, stuck victims who wouldn’t befriend me. The honest group interaction cracked my defenses. Loving well is costly and messy; my leaders showed compassion and spoke God’s truth. My group reflected Jesus’ love, restored my faith and shared His amazing grace. My most valued friendships are with people in the Journey Group community. Thank you, my dear friends, for appropriately caring for my wounds and loving me well. I will never be the same.

Journey Group Participant

We are trained, but we know that only the Lord heals. One of His names is Rapha, the One who heals. He is full of compassion and grace. He is good. Our goal is to see you enjoy His embrace.

9  Journey Group guidelines

In order for the journey group to be a safe place, there are certain guidelines that we believe help facilitate the group process. Consider agreeing with these boundaries:

Leader’s Note: 1. Attendance: Attending all teaching and small group sessions. (If you must For some miss a session, you will let your leaders know.) participants, it is 2. Confidentiality: Maintaining the confidentiality of group members’ stories and particulary difficult experiences. What is said in the group should stay in the group.* to have a group member leave 3. Respect: Respecting each group members’ process of discovery in their own story. Treat fellow group members with respect, being mindful of our words during the journey and actions and willing to work out any offense directly, in group. group experience, The feeling of 4. Sharing : Be considerate, limit your sharing in order to allow for all group abandonment will members to have a chance to share. be real, as well as 5. Feelings : Allow space in the group for members to feel emotions without mini- the fear of what the mizing, ignoring or rescuing them. Ask permission before touching, hugging departing member or moving into an emotional situation. will do with the 6. Participation : Give your attention to group, listening to others and engaging stories that have been with the topics raised in group sessions. shared in group. It is important as 7. Responsibility: Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, issues and leaders to encouage recovery. participants to *We have an ethical responsibility to disclose reports of recent abuse of a child bring any questions or the elderly to the authorities. Other legal requirements may also require that or concerns that confidential information be revealed. would affect their participation and commitment to the group.

10  Journey Group Exercise: Clues to Your Story

As you begin to think about your own story, exploring what shows up in your life Leader’s Note: now will provide clues to places where there is need for redemption. Consider the following statements as possible clues. Check the ones that apply to you now or You can have have been true in the past. participants prepare for Journey Group o 1. I have relational struggles with family, friends and especially in marriage. by checking boxes o 2. I feel distanced from God, afraid of Him, or distrustful of Him. as you discuss some of the highlights of o 3. I have feelings of guilt that motivate me to do better or to give up. these two pages. o 4. I experience tiredness, insomnia, nightmares, sleeping disorders, flash- backs or burnout. Leader’s Note: o 5. I have suicidal tendencies such as drinking and driving, driving with my Share at least one eyes closed, or combining prescription or over-the-counter drugs and of the sentences alcohol. checked. o 6. I have headaches, backaches, or neck aches with no apparent physical cause. Have they ever talked about this with o I daydream frequently and/or have memory blocks. 7. others? o 8. I feel lonely, isolated, empty, depressed or excessively worried. o 9. I feel flat, numb, impenetrable, isolated, preoccupied, or self-absorbed. o 10. I feel uncomfortable eating in public or I eat even when I am not hungry. Are they currently o 11. I use drugs or alcohol to dull my pain. experiencing any of o 12. I have a fantasized view of my dysfunctional family. “They did the best these? they could” or “I had a wonderful childhood.” o 13. I have sexual struggles: sexual identity confusion, fear of the opposite sex, fear of people of my own gender, same-sex attraction, lack of sexual desire, sexual obsession, or changes in sexual activity. o 14. I struggle with male strength/female vulnerability o 15. I feel overly critical, contemptuous of self and others, or use anger to push Leader’s Note: others away. Research shows o 16. I have anxiety attacks or panic attacks and an exaggerated startle response. Questions 17 and o 17. For females: I experience frequent vaginal infections. 18 are frequently seen in children and o 18. For males: I struggle with erectile dysfunction. adults who have been abused. o 19. I have joint pain, arthritis, or fibromyalgia. o 20. I have obsessive-compulsive behavior: counting things, washing repeat- edly, and performing rituals.

11 o 21. I am obsessed with exercise or diet. I avoid mirrors. o 22. I fear people leaving me. I try to please people and fear rejection. o 23. I am not able to play, have fun, or celebrate in a healthy way. o 24. I struggle with perfectionism or going along with the crowd, even if I don’t agree. o 25. I feel shut down and emotionally numb. o 26. I struggle with saying no, confronting others and having appropriate boundaries. o 27. I feel powerful. I use my words to manipulate and seduce. I control others. o 28. I have uncontrolled emotional outbursts, or struggle to manage my emo- tions. I have been told I am unpredictable. o 29. I struggle with anger, have feelings of rage or violence. I have fantasized about revenge and retaliation. o 30. I lack motivation and have trouble following through on tasks. I am apathetic. o 31. I am preoccupied with food, collecting recipes and sometimes hoarding food. o 32. I feel crazy. o 33. I feel unable to form good relationships or maintain friendships. o 34. I have difficulty sleeping, have frequent nightmares, fear the dark , and vividly imagine worse case scenarios. o 35. I struggle with lying, am fearful of consequences or other people’s anger. o 36. As I child I was excessively neat and clean, I was fearful of certain rooms in the house. o 37. The people close to me say that I am not engaged and they are dissatisfied with our relationship. I feel contempt for certain types of people. o 38. I stand on the edge of the room at gatherings. I don’t feel capable of car- rying on intelligent conversation. I am not enough. o 39. I struggle with body image, dress in layers, or obsess over clothing choices. o 40. I feel overly responsible, guilty, as if I am the problem.

Examine the statements you checked, asking God for insight into the origin of the things you have experienced. Do you see a connection between these statements and your personal story?

12  Preparing to Tell Your Short Story

Here are some questions and answers that may be helpful as you prepare to tell your story. Leader’s Note: Use this page to Why Start With Telling My Story? explain the process of telling stories Everyone has a face he or she shows to the world and a face he or she sees in over the next several the mirror. The face we show is the one we want others to see, the one we hope sessions. others find acceptable. The face we see reflected in the mirror bears the scars of our experiences. Some of us have covered these scars so long we don’t know what our true face looks like. Hiding has become so routine we may not realize we are Why Tell? doing it. In the process, we lose touch with our true identity—who we really are in our heart of hearts. Denial needs to be Our stories tell the history of our faces and our scars. Without our stories we will broken. not really know one another. We will continue to hide. So we determine to start by taking the masks off and sharing our stories. We want to see each other. Our bodies hold Thinking about telling your story and taking off the mask can be uncomfortable. memories which Your fellow group members may be feeling the same way. It can be difficult to tell need to be released. secrets. It can be even more difficult to tell them when you have good memories as well as difficult ones. Or, you may have a much better relationship with your Lies are formed in a parents now than you did when you were young and talking about your childhood child’s mind. may feel like a betrayal of your renewed relationship.

Telling the truth is a way of honoring your parents, yourself and your memories. Vows are made that Most relationships are a mix of good, bad and mundane events. It is not betrayal of close a child’s heart. your renewed relationship to speak about what happened when you were a child. It is betrayal, of yourself and others, if you refuse to speak of it. Our closed heart Why Tell The Short Story First? needs to be embraced and accepted. It is important to give the short version of your story initially so everyone has an opportunity to tell his/her own story and respond to the stories of others within Your story is a the first few meetings. This way everyone is on equal footing; everyone has taken a gradual unfolding. risk with being vulnerable. It is normal in relationships to reveal layers of yourself as trust deepens. We know there is more to your story and we will enter more of it in our nine sessions together. We connect the dots; the past to the How Do I Tell My Story? present.

Your leaders will share the short version of their stories first. Then, over the next We release hidden few sessions, you and each of your fellow travelers will share. You will have up feelings from the to ten minutes to share with your group the things you want them to know about childhood story. your journey. A good way to prepare to tell your story is by answering some of the Story Framing Questions.

13  Story Framing questions

Here are some questions to help you talk about past events that have influenced Leader’s Note how you see life and yourself. Select the most significant events in your life that This is homework you can share with the group in 10 minutes. for the next session.

1. Name some significant things that happened in your life, both positive and negative. Explain that they can pick and choose what questions best 2. How would you characterize your relationships with your dad, your mom and fit their story. They your siblings? don’t have to answer all of them. 3. How would you describe the overall environment of your home?

Model using these questions in your 4. Who disappointed, wounded, abused, or hurt you? story. For those who struggle with their story consider 5. How old were you? asking these questions in an interview format. 6. What were the events surrounding the harm, abuse, or disappointment?

Remind participants 7. How long did it go on? to bring childhood photos. 8. How did you deal with it?

If no pictures are available, have them 9. Was there anyone who could have helped or protected you? describe themselves at that age. What they looked like, 10. Did they help you? If they didn’t, how did you feel toward them? what they most often wore, their hair style, etc. 11. Who did you talk to about it and what was their response?

14 Journal Page

Use this page to answer the Story Framing Questions and talk about the feelings you have as you answer them.

15 The past is the place we developed our deepest convictions about ourselves, life and God. One cannot enter another’s past merely by hearing the conclusions and convictions that resulted from it, but by being invited into the story itself... When one is permitted into this terrain, the guest stands on holy ground”8

-DAN ALLENDER-

16 + Session 1: Additional Material

Grounding Exercise ...... 18

Journaling ...... 19

Feeling Words Chart...... 20

Definitions of Abuse ...... 21

17 Grounding

At times, telling our stories or even hearing others can feel overwhelming. A sense of anxiety may build, your mind may flood with painful memories or images, and your emotions feel out of control.

It is important in these moments to practice good self-care by grounding yourself in present reality rather than re-living the pain of the past. Once grounded, we are able to re-visit past scenes without overwhelming emotion.

1. Place your feet on the floor, sit or stand straight and upright.

2. Become aware of your beathing, breathe deeply in and out. (You should see your belly rise and fall.)

3. Notice any tension in your body. Relax your muscles, moving from your head down to your toes.

4. Look around at your surroundings – the room you are in, the people who are there with you.

5. Think of a statement of present truth you can focus on:

“I am safe.” “I am here, in the present, not back in the past.” “I can decide when I’ve had enough and stop.” “I am an adult, and can bring kindness and care to moments I feel young and afraid.”

18 Journaling

I Corinthians 11:28 says, “Let a man examine himself …”

A personal journal is a written account of your feelings, thoughts, reactions, fears, Honor yourself angers, or anything else that you care to write about or ponder. It is also a place by choosing a for you to focus on the positive aspects about yourself and the growth and progress journal you like. you are making. Your thoughts are important. Set aside some time each day to write in your journal. Some things you may want to share with your Journey Group and some things you may choose to keep to yourself. In either case, it is our hope that your journal will be a positive and helpful tool for you to use as you work on your personal healing.

Ideas For Journaling

If you cannot think of anything to write in your journal, this list of sentences may help you get started.

‰‰ My longings for my future are. . . ‰‰ When I look in the mirror I see. . .

‰‰ I dislike people who. . . ‰‰ Most people think of me as. . .

‰‰ I am often thought of as being. . . ‰‰ Sometimes I feel that my parents. . .

‰‰ People who give orders. . . ‰‰ When in doubt, I. . .

‰‰ I long for. . . ‰‰ My father . . .

‰‰ I dream of. . . ‰‰ My mother said. . .

‰‰ I feel hopeful about. . . ‰‰ Talking to people is something I. . .

‰‰ My main aim in life is. . . . ‰‰ When I am turned down I. . .

‰‰ My thoughts about me are. . . . ‰‰ Being rushed. . .

‰‰ When I have to make a decision. . . ‰‰ I object to people who. . .

‰‰ I think my family. . . ‰‰ I let off steam by. . .

‰‰ Getting even. . . ‰‰ If I had only one wish, I would. . .

‰‰ When criticized, I often. . . ‰‰ I get scared when. . .

‰‰ It makes me mad when others. . . ‰‰ I feel hopeful about. . .

‰‰ I only wish I wouldn’t. . . ‰‰ I see change in my life in. . .

‰‰ I will work if. . . ‰‰ I get things done when. . . ‰‰ When I have something to say. . .

19 Feeling Words

Love Open Happy Alive Good Interested Positive Strong Loving Understanding Joyous Playful Calm Concerned Eager Sure Considerate Confident Fortunate Courageous Peaceful Affected Intent Certain Affectionate Reliable Delighted Energetic At Ease Fascinated Anxious Unique Sensitive Easy Overjoyed Liberated Comfortable Intrigued Inspired Dynamic Pleased Tender Amazed Gleeful Optimistic Encouraged Absorbed Determined Tenacious Devoted Free Thankful Provocative Clever Inquisitive Excited Hardy Attracted Sympathetic Important Impulsive Surprised Nosy Enthusiastic Secure Passionate Interested Festive Giddy Content Snoopy Bold Empowered Admiration Satisfied Ecstatic Animated Quiet Engrossed Brave Ambitious Warm Receptive Satisfied Spirited Relaxed Intense Daring Powerful

Touched Accepting Glad Thrilled Serene Curious Challenged Confident

Sympathy Kind Cheerful Wonderful Free and Easy Friendly Optimistic Bold

Close Amiable Sunny Generous Bright Caring Re-enforced Determined

Loved Appreciative Elated Goofy Blessed Confident

Comforted Jubilant Reassured Hopeful

Angry Depressed Confused Helpless Indifferent Afraid Hurt Sad Irritated Lousy Upset Incapable Insensitive Fearful Crushed Tearful

Enraged Disappointed Doubtful Alone Dull Terrified Tormented Sorrowful

Hostile Discouraged Uncertain Paralyzed Nonchalant Suspicious Deprived Pained

Sore Ashamed Indecisive Fatigued Neutral Alarmed Tortured Grieved

Annoyed Powerless Perplexed Useless Reserved Panic Dejected Desolate

Upset Diminished Embarrassed Inferior Weary Nervous Rejected Desperate

Bitter Guilty Hesitant Vulnerable Bored Scared Injured Unhappy Aggressive Dissatisfied Shy Empty Preoccupied Worried Offended Lonely Resentful Miserable Disillusioned Forced Cold Frightened Afflicted Mournful Inflamed Disgusting Unbelieving Hesitant Disinterested Timid Aching Dismayed Provoked Terrible Skeptical Despair Lifeless Shaky Victimized Hurt Infuriated In Despair Distrustful Frustrated Numb Restless Heartbroken Weary Cross Sulky Lost Distressed Out of It Doubtful Appalled Broken A Sense of Worked up Loss Unsure Woeful Tired Threatened Humiliated Boiling Flat Pessimistic In a Stew Stuck Quaking Wronged

Fuming Tense Dominated Wary Alienated

20 Definitions of Abuse 

Wounds caused by abuse, come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You might think of abuse as a very strong word that refers only to extreme experiences that happen to a few people. It is important to remember that the parent or caregiver does not have to intend to hurt the child for the harm to be labeled as abuse.1

Take a look at the following definitions. Does this change how you perceive abuse? Does it change how you look at what happened in your own story?

Abandonment involves being disregarded, ignored, forsaken, or discarded. All human beings are biologically hardwired to attach to other human beings. Attachment includes the need to bond, connect, belong and be loved. Physical abandonment can be experienced when a child feels left alone through divorce or death, when working parents leave a child with a caregiver, when everyone in a family is too busy to connect, or when physical needs are neglected. Emotional abandonment occurs when children feel that a parent or caregiver does not value or accept them or neglects or dismisses their emotional and developmental needs, causing them to lose a sense of who they are, what they feel, or what they need.

Betrayal is the breaking of any implied or stated commitment of care. It attacks the dignity of another, leaving the person feeling marred, marked, or manipulated. Anger, contempt, loss of trust, loss of faith, numbness and apathy are often connected to the experience of being betrayed.2

Emotional Abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and selfconcept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance” or “teaching,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.”3

Passive emotional abuse damages because of its absence.4

Examples of passive emotional abuse:

ŒŒ Not being cherished by and delighted in by your parents simply because you exist. ŒŒ Not having a parent take the time to understand who you are—encour- age you to share who you are and what you think and feel. ŒŒ Not receiving large amounts of non-sexual physical nurturing—laps to sit on, hands to hold and a willingness to let you go when you have had enough.

21 ŒŒ Not receiving age-appropriate limits or having those limits enforced in ways that do not call your value into question. ŒŒ Not being taught how to do hard things, such as solving problems and developing persistence. ŒŒ Not being given opportunities to develop your resources and talents.

Physical Abuse is any kind of physical harm, such as beating with an object, breaking bones, burning with matches or cigarettes, hitting, slapping, or kicking, hair pulling, squeezing, pushing, shaking and scalding with hot water. In extreme situations, physical abuse leads to death. Physical abuse also includes not allowing a child to eat, drink, or use the bathroom, or not giving the child adequate food, clothing, shelter, or medical and dental care.5

Ritual Abuse is a brutal form of abuse of children, adolescents, and adults, consisting of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse, and involving the use of rituals. Ritual does not necessarily mean satanic. However, most survivors state that they were ritually abused as part of satanic worship for the purpose of indoctrinating them into satanic beliefs and practices. Ritual abuse rarely consists of a single episode. It usually involves repeated abuse over an extended period of time.6

Ritual abuse is characterized by its severity, humiliation and intimidation of vic- tims, and mind control so terrifying many victims dissociate.

Sexual Abuse involves any contact or interaction whereby a vulnerable person (usually a child or adolescent) is used for the sexual stimulation of an older, stronger, or more influential person. (The “older, stronger, or more influential” criteria may be real or perceived. Sexual abuse may occur between children who are the same age when one child is compliant and the other is the leader.)

Sexual abuse is a much broader category than physical intercourse. It includes simulated intercourse, as well as any touching, rubbing, or patting that is meant to arouse sexual pleasure in the offender. It may also involve visual, verbal, or psychological interaction where there is no physical contact.

Sexual abuse includes the seduction of a submissive adult by a person in a position of power, such as a priest, pastor, therapist, boss, doctor, or teacher. It also includes forced sexual contact, manipulated or through threats, when the aggressor is a romantic interest, colleague, co-worker, spouse, or other person.

Visual Sexual Abuse involves exposing a victim to pornography or to any other sexually provocative scene, including exposure to showering, intercourse, or various stages of undress.

Verbal Sexual Abuse involves an attempt to seduce or shame a child by the use of sexual or suggestive words. (This shaming may be passive. The child internalizes

22 words that a careless adult uses toward him/her and grows up bearing false images.)

Emotional Incest includes interactions where a child is regularly used to play the role of an adult spouse, confidant, or counselor.7

Spiritual Abuse Spiritual abuse occurs when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another, without regard to what will result in the other person’s state of living, emotions or well-being. In this application, power is used to bolster the position or needs of a leader over and above one who comes to them in need.8

Spiritual abuse happens in the home when scripture is misused to manipulate, control or demand submission. It may include misusing scripture to justify inap- propriate and/or abusive behavior.

Spiritual abuse happens when leaders refuse to believe reports of abuse in the church and do not value a person’s voice, regardless of age or gender. Ministries to the wounded need the protection of church leaders.

23 Session 2: Responding to Another’s Journey

After a person shares his or her story, there is often a subtle feeling of shame and uneasiness. “What is everyone thinking? Have I just revealed too much? Will they use this information to judge or reject me? What if everyone is silent?” Untold, secret stories may be energized by years of suppressed emotion. Part of the process of healing is to risk exposure and share our experiences with others. Doing this feels difficult and dangerous. Hopefully we will find that telling our story was worth the risk and we will feel safer and more connected.

How a group responds after a person speaks impacts his or her healing process. Sometimes the listening group members will also feel shame and uneasiness. “What do I say? How can I respond to a story like that?” Those first silent moments can feel awkward to the storyteller. The conversation that follows will help the storyteller figure out if this is a safe place or not. Does she or he feel heard? Do group members respond from their hearts or from their heads? Are group members beginning to feel connected to the others? Will it be safe to tell more of his/her story later?

In this session you will consider how your response to another’s story can create safety, courage and connection for the storyteller to risk moving forward.

Session 2: Journey Map

 Homework tResponding To Another's Journey...... 26

. Teaching tResponding to Another’s Journey; Tamar’s Story...... 27

tLearning to Respond Well...... 29

tHope for the Tamars of This World...... 32

 Journey Group tPersonal Illustration: The Impact Of Response...... 33

tPersonal Illustration: Set Up, Seduction, Shame...... 34

tReflection Exercise: Understanding My Story...... 35

Journal Page ...... 36 + Additional Material...... 40

25 Homework:  Responding to Another’s Journey

You have probably experienced mixed responses to the stories you have already shared. Some may have been healing and others may have been hurtful and destructive. You may also be aware of your own struggles as you listen to another person’s story.

Which do you identify with as you think about responding to a story?

‰‰ 1. I tend to talk a lot. ‰‰ 2. I can’t think of anything to say. ‰‰ 3. I feel numb. ‰‰ 4. I feel overwhelmed by my emotions. ‰‰ 5. I feel so sorry that the person had to live through that. ‰‰ 6. I feel more than the storyteller does about the events in his/her life. ‰‰ 7. I don’t understand why the story is troubling to the storyteller. It’s not that big of a deal. ‰‰ 8. Hearing others’ stories triggers painful memories from my own life. ‰‰ 9. I quickly see the solution to the problem or tend to jump to conclusions. ‰‰ 10. I quote Bible verses or teach truth. ‰‰ 11. I feel pressure to respond well and say the right thing. ‰‰ 12. I want to relieve the person in pain and “fix” him or her.

Which of the responses above have you received or felt after you have told or listened to a story? How did you feel about those responses? Identifying how you feel about the ways your story has been responded to can be a springboard for your own commitment to be a person who listens with grace and love.

Please answer the following questions:

1. How does it feel to talk about the harm done to you?

2. How has silence or poor responses affected you?

3. How do you wish others would respond to your story?

26 Responding to Another’s Journey 

How we respond to another person’s story is important. When a person decides the group is a safe place to reveal his or her story, we must consider it a gift, one that is given tentatively. Years of silence, harmful responses and a fear of being responsible for the abuse keep stories buried. Frequently group members say they feel naked after sharing shame-filled secrets.

God has given us a picture in His word of how to respond to feeling exposed. When Adam and Eve felt shame for the first time, they realized they were naked, became afraid and hid. And “the Lord God made garments of skins for Adam and his wife and clothed them (Gen. 3:21). In this guide, we use the word clothed metaphorically to mean covering shame with grace and truth. Does a person feel re-clothed by your response?

Tamar’s Story

Tamar, daughter of King David, lived through abuse upon abuse. God has recorded her story so it can be acknowledged and remembered. Notice how the reactions of her family affected her life. In addition to the shame of the abuse, she also endured her family’s harmful responses. Imagine yourself in Tamar’s place as you listen to her story.

Now Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was (II Samuel 13:1–22)1 Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David’s son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David’s brother. And Jonadab was a very crafty man.

And he said to him, “O son of the king, why are you so haggard morning after morning? Will you not tell me?” Set-up

Amnon said to him, “I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.” Jonadab said to him, “Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.’ ” So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. And when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, “Please let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight that I may eat from her hand.” the Seduction

Then David sent home to Tamar saying, “Go to your brother Amnon’s house and prepare food for him.” So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house, where he was lying down. And she took dough and kneaded it and made cakes in his sight and baked the cakes. And she took the pan and emptied it out before him, but he refused to eat.

27 And Amnon said, “Send out everyone from me.” So everyone went out from him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food into the chamber that I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she The Shame brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lay with me, my sister.”

She answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” But he would not listen to her and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her.

Leader’s Note: What Might Tamar Have Been Thinking and Feeling?

Consider asking the Tamar may have been thinking… audience to respond to the questions as ŒŒ Why did this happen to me? you teach. ŒŒ What did I do wrong? ŒŒ What will others say? ŒŒ Where can I ever show my face again?

What are your reactions to Tamar’s story? How are you responding? Continue the Story

Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which The Silence he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!”

But she said to him, “No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me.” But he would not listen to her. He called the young man who served him and said, “Put this woman out The Secrets of my presence and bolt the door after her.” Now she was wearing a long robe with sleeves, for thus were the virgin daughters of the king dressed. So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her.

And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore. And she laid her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.

And her brother Absalom said to her, “Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this Shame’s to heart.” So Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom’s Questions house.

28 When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry. But Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had violated his sister Tamar.

Resonating:

How do you feel about? Leader’s Note: ŒŒ Amnon, the rapist There is a good ŒŒ Absalom, the silencer article in the ŒŒ Tamar, the victim Additional Material, ŒŒ David, the passive father p. 45, on Honoring your Father and How are you feeling right now? Mother. If time permits, you could Perhaps Tamar was thinking... touch on it.

ŒŒ Who can I tell and will they believe me? ŒŒ Will anyone care? Amnon didn’t. ŒŒ Why didn’t my father send a servant to care for my brother instead of sending me? Learning to Respond Well

Good responses heal and poor responses may do more damage. Most people are not naturally good responders to others’ stories. Here are some common responses to avoid:

ŒŒ Using your own story. “I can really relate to your story. My mother, father, etc, treated me the same way.” What responses ŒŒ Asking for more details. “How old did you say you were?” have you heard? ŒŒ Remaining silent or changing the subject. How did you feel? ŒŒ Giving advice. “I think you should…” “You just need to trust God.” ŒŒ Quoting Bible verses or teaching truth. “All things work together for good.” “God loves you.”

A good responder communicates in ways that restore one’s awareness of his or her worth and affirms that each individual is created in the image of God. A safe person listens with her or his heart and connects with the heart of others. A safe person re-clothes others with grace-filled words. Rehearsed responses don’t heal. Whatever you say, please be authentic and speak from your heart.

Using this opportunity to quote verses or teach truth can add shame or pressure the victim to feel he or she has done something wrong. “If I really trusted God, I wouldn’t be struggling with this, right? A good Christian doesn’t feel these kinds of emotions.” They may pull away from their feelings instead of admit them.

Others think they are being empathetic when they share their own story as a

29 response. But this simply shifts the spotlight from the one in need to the one who speaks. It robs the person of genuine words and emotional connection. They may feel shut down, cut off, or ignored.

Leader’s Note: The urge to relieve or rescue someone from emotional pain is powerful. When we give in to this urge, we confirm the message that the person is fragile and helpless. Consider giving a We fail to move toward people in shame, speak from our hearts, or let them know part of your story for they matter. Let’s take a closer look at these three key aspects of responding to each point. another’s journey. How did someone respond well? Or Move Toward People in Shame poorly? It is common to feel exposed or uncovered after telling our story. The picture of moving toward people in shame is given to us by the Lord as He pursues Adam and Eve in the garden, Moses in exile and Peter who had gone fishing after the resurrection of Christ.

With Your Words: As you hear a story, listen for the shame messages. Some examples might be:

ŒŒ I should have known better. ŒŒ I am so stupid. What’s wrong with me? ŒŒ I am naïve and worthless. ŒŒ I can’t believe I went back.

When you hear words of shame you can speak kind words that dissipate the shame. Use words from your heart to move toward the person. Some examples are:

ŒŒ I don’t think that you should have known any better, you were a little boy (girl). ŒŒ As you tell your story, I don’t see a stupid little girl. I see a little girl who was tricked into being abused. ŒŒ I value what you shared with us, your story is worth hearing. ŒŒ I heard you say that you can’t believe you went back, as I hear your story, it makes sense that you went back.

With Your Body Language: Don’t forget your body language says as much or more than your words. Be aware of what your body is communicating. Lean in, have an open posture, don’t back away or cross your arms, don’t touch them without permission.

With Your Face: Do you feel connected with the storyteller? Are you offering your eyes, your face and your energy? Have a “yes” face. Allow your tears to flow, give them your eyes and don’t look angry or shocked.

What might “moving towards people in shame” look like in responding to Tamar? 30 ŒŒ You’ve carried a terrible, heavy burden all these years. I am so glad you shared it with me. ŒŒ Your words and feelings were silenced and dismissed. I wish Absalom had let you speak and that your father had confronted Amnon. ŒŒ You are not trash to be thrown out. You are a beautiful woman whose voice needs to be heard.

Speak From Your Heart to Their Pain

It can be painful to tell the stories that have affected our lives. Let the person know how you feel about what happened to him or her. Use words that feel like a warm embrace to let them know they are not alone with their pain and hurt.

Listen for clues where you can speak back into their pain. For example, “I didn’t tell because I knew that I wouldn’t be believed.” This is a great opportunity to respond with, “I believe you.”

Listen for pain expressed in many ways. Some examples might be:

ŒŒ Anger or contempt ŒŒ Tears ŒŒ Confusion ŒŒ Emotional flatness ŒŒ Sighs ŒŒ Apologies

Please don’t tell the person how to feel or try to stop his or her tears or sobs. Conversely, don’t comment on their emotional flatness or lack of tears. Pain is a necessary part of healing. Allow space for pain. Respond to what you see and hear. Are you willing to interact with a story about suffering and tragedy by acknowledging the pain and offering empathy? Opening your heart and experiencing your emotions, without becoming overwhelmed, enables you to engage with painful stories.

What might “speaking from your heart to her pain” look like in responding to Tamar?

ŒŒ I hate what was done to you, how your trust and your body were violated and how you were isolated and silenced. I want to scream. ŒŒ I wish your father had run to you and held you and cried with you. I wish he had let you know you were not to blame. ŒŒ I can hear the pain in your voice as you shared how terrible it felt to be not only raped, but then thrown out. I feel awful for you.

Affirm Dignity With Truth

It is not at all uncommon for those who have been abused to lose awareness of

31 their inherent dignity as an image bearer of God. You have a sacred opportunity to remind the storyteller of his or her true identity. As you listen to their story, look for evidence of glory. Where was the storyteller strong, bold, tender, kind, or delightfully alive?

What might “affirming dignity with truth“ look like in responding toamar? T

ŒŒ I heard what you said to Amnon. It was very bold and full of wise words. I wish he’d listened to you. ŒŒ You deserve to wear the long sleeve gown of a virgin. In God’s eyes and mine you are a virgin. ŒŒ Tamar, as I look at you, it is very evident your beauty remains. This was not your fault. You were set up. It was your brother’s lust, his deception and his lying that brought this on.

Learning how to respond to stories can feel intimidating. The following are examples of good responses:

What are some of ŒŒ Thank you for sharing your story. your responses? ŒŒ You are a courageous person to share so honestly. ŒŒ Your abuse was not your fault. ŒŒ I am sad about what happened to you. ŒŒ Just because you felt like you participated, doesn’t mean it was your fault. ŒŒ What was done to you was really bad, but I don’t see you as bad.” ŒŒ I hate what was done to you. ŒŒ I don’t think any less of you for what you have shared with us, thank you for trusting us. ŒŒ You had no one to protect you and I am so sorry. ŒŒ You have a right to be angry about ______.

Hope for the Tamars of This World

What words of Tamar’s father was a king and even with all the resources at his disposal, he failed hope do you think her. But in God’s plan a promised King would come through the ancestral line of God has for you? her family. His name was Jesus. He would purchase for the Tamars of this world new robes—robes of righteousness. They are available to all who, by faith, invite this King to be their own Sovereign and Savior.

(Ps. 45: 10-11, 13 Listen, O daughter, give attention and incline your ear; NASB) Forget your people and your father’s house; Then the King will desire your beauty.… The King’s daughter is all glorious within; Her clothing is interwoven with gold.

32 Personal Illustration: The Impact of Response

You can have powerful impact on others as you consider what it means to listen well and speak with grace and truth into the stories of your friends and fellow travelers.

I had a core belief in life based on my past history and childhood that men could not be trusted. The men in my childhood all left me at some point and this had profoundly affected my ability to be vulnerable. Fear would surface when just thinking about telling my story to anyone, let alone in a co-ed group where men would hear both the wounds I had suffered, as well as the way I sabotaged my relationships.

But I took the risk to share my story in a co-ed group. What I expected was rejection, intolerance, or even worse, apathy. Instead I experienced the softening of my heart as godly men responded with compassion. They spoke honestly into my life with truth and tenderness. For the first time in my life I experienced what it was like to receive words of affirmation and encouragement from men.

Two distinct things happened. One, my core belief system began to crumble. In choosing to take a risk, I discovered the darkness of my belief about men and as a result embraced the opportunity to receive from them as I never had before.

The other distinct and powerful result was that my own story opened up on deeper levels. I unearthed other beliefs that were controlling my life, but were lying dormant, without light or exposure. This has created space for new healing and new connectedness with my story, who I am and deeper vision for the relationships that matter most to me.

A Journey Group Participant

33  Personal Illustration: Set Up, Seduction, shame, silence, secrets, questions

When I was a young child, my mother, my siblings and I lived with my mom’s new husband and his children. We lived in poverty.

The Set up Our home was not safe or nurturing. There was alcoholism and violence. When mom and her husband started to drink, I tried to disappear. I knew that soon the yelling would start then the fighting and throwing things, then the physical violence. Mom tried to hide the bruises, but I noticed them. I was left vulnerable with no boundaries and no protection.

One summer afternoon, my grandmother came to the house with an old man I had never met. Grandma didn’t look very happy. Mom said Ben was a friend of the family. I wonder if Mom was already plotting to use this man to get her out of a violent, hurtful, abusive marriage. I believe she knew what kind of man he was and how to get what she wanted from him. He had done time for molesting his own daughter. He also sexually abused my mother as a little girl.

Ben visited off and on for a few days and Mom hatched a scheme to send my sister and me for a vacation at his house. She told us goodbye as we were getting in his car. Mom hugged me and whispered in my ear, “Do what he tells you. He taught me everything I know.” I felt confused and excited to be going on an adventure. the seduction We drove 300 miles to Ben’s house. While we were with him we ate in a restaurant, a rare treat, shopped for new clothes, went to the amusement park and visited the zoo. He bought us little cameras and showed us how to take pictures of the animals. When we went back to his house it was time for a bath, a bubble bath with the door open. He took pictures of us. Soon after my sister and I returned home, our family left Mom’s husband and that violent home and got an apartment near Ben. He paid the rent. It didn’t come cheap. It was paid for with my innocence. This “friend of the family” was a pedophile.

The shame My sister and I continued to go on outings with Ben and afterwards, we occasionally went to his house. The seduction was slow and happened over a period of time. Ben was a master at balancing shame and desire. At first he only looked, then looking moved to touch, then he wanted me to touch him. I was repulsed and aroused at the same time.

The silence Mom never asked about our time with Ben. He told me, “You can’t tell anyone what we are doing. I’ll go back to prison and I’ll die there.” I gladly remained silent believing that the abuse was my fault. My sister and I never talked about what happened at Ben’s house.

the secrets My other siblings didn’t know why Ben took my sister and me out and bought us gifts but not them. They were jealous and angry. Our family moved around so much that no one was close enough to see the abuse.

Shame’s Who am I? What is wrong with me? Why did my mother sacrifice me? Is my beauty evil? What does it mean to be a good woman? Why didn’t I say no? questions A Journey Group Participant

34 reflection Exercise:  understanding my story

Using Tamar’s story outline as a guide, write out your story... The story on the previous page My set up. . . illustrates the shame buried in our stories. It impacts how we think about life today. Use this exercise to identify shame messages you are My seduction. . . believing.

My shame. . .

The silence. . .

The secrets. . .

My questions. . .

35 Journal Page

Spend some time pondering your story. Are you discovering new parts? Are some similar to Tamar’s? What was the impact of silence and secrets in your life?

Has someone’s response been an unexpected gift? What did they say? How did it affect you? If you haven’t had good responses, what would you like to hear?

36 “People in pain want to talk They are very forgiving of our own errors as long as we are neither pushy nor arrogant. We can be humble and learn. The reward is enormous... A radical life hears stories deeply enough to become a participant in another’s life, an actor in the new story that God is telling on behalf of us all.”3

- DAN ALLENDER-

37 38 Session 2: Additional Material +

What is the Rebuilding Process...... 40

What Can We Learn from Tamar’s Story?...... 44

What About Honoring My Father and Mother? ...... 45

Writing a Psalm of Lament...... 47

39 What Is The Rebuilding Process? Leader’s Notes: This can be used as The rebuilding process happens slowly over time. Listed below are nine principles a separate teaching from Nehemiah’s story. These serve as a framework to guide us as we rebuild. or a brief overview before the main In Nehemiah’s Story… teaching. 1. Face It (Neh. 1:1–3) Break Denial

Nehemiah was willing to face facts. He was in exile and his relatives and countrymen were living in shameful conditions with trouble on every side. He did not ignore their plight or his own. He wanted to know the full picture. He asked questions.

2. Feel It (Neh. 1:4) Enter The Pain Nehemiah “entered the pain” by sitting down, weeping, mourning, fasting and praying. His heart was grieved. He took “some days” to do this. He did not hurry the process. This turned Nehemiah’s broken heart toward God.

3. Talk About It (Neh. 1:5–11) Put Words To Your Story Nehemiah talked to God about it in prayer. He identified with the plight of the people in Jerusalem. He confessed his own sin and recalled the promises of God. He looked for God to redeem Israel’s story. He committed his way to the Lord as he considered how to act. Finally he was ready to talk to the king about it.

4. Ask For Help (Neh. 2:1–10) Take A Step Of Faith Nehemiah took a huge step of faith and risked. No cupbearer was allowed to be sad in front of the king, but Nehemiah spoke the truth in spite of his fear. He found the king open and willing to assist. The king asked, “How long will your journey take?” Nehemiah didn’t know, but he set a time and the king gave him all he asked for.

5. Look at the Damage (Neh. 2:11–20) Survey Your Relationships When he arrived in Jerusalem, Nehemiah spent three days surveying the walls with a few men. Some parts were broken down, other sections had been destroyed by fire and a lot of rubble needed to be removed. An enormous amount of work needed to be done. Nehemiah could have felt overwhelmed with the task. But he was convinced that God’s gracious hand was upon him.

40 In Your Story…

1. Face It Break Denial

The initial step of facing your story may be simply admitting the truth: damage Where are you in has occurred. We live in a fallen world and minimally we have been impacted by this process? our parents, imperfect people who have hurt, disappointed, failed, or even harmed us. Facing the damage with curiosity and openness is the first mile marker on the road to wholeness.

2. Feel It Enter The Pain It is important to give yourself permission to feel the emotional impact of the damage. Feel the pain and grieve the losses. Allow your heart to be broken. Change occurs as hearts are disrupted by truth; seeds of change take root in the softened heart. This grieving process takes an undetermined amount of time. Don’t give in to the pressure to hurry. Put Words 3. Talk About It To Your Story Engaging in prayer with God about your story is powerful. Effective rebuilding is born in a season of prayer. It is also important to involve others in your journey, acknowledge to them the extent of the damage and allow them to care for you.

4. Ask For Help Take A Step Of Faith While talking about the damage can seem risky and scary, this is not a process you can accomplish alone. Overcoming the fear of what people might think and taking a step of faith by asking for help are integral parts of this healing process. It is wise to do this with understanding and safe people.

5. Look at the Damage Survey Your Relationships A Journey Group is a place where you can survey the damage with a few people confidentially. Effective rebuilding will require you to look at how the damage has affected your life, the lives of those closest to you and the way you relate to your world. Then, you can weep for your world with an alive heart because you have first felt your own pain. God calls you to use the damage in your life to show the redemptive work of Christ.

41 In Nehemiah’s Story…

6. Unite With Others (3:1-32) Enter Community Nehemiah couldn’t do it alone. He convinced people to rebuild the wall in front of their own homes as a first step. People from all walks of life were involved— priests, perfumers, sons of Jerusalem’s mayors, goldsmiths, merchants, villagers, gatekeepers. Everyone worked side by side.

7. Expect Opposition (4:1–23; 6:1–19) Break Strongholds Nehemiah knew his enemies and their strategies to stop the work. Daily he faced their ridicule, accusations, wrath, insults and death threats. He built with a sword in one hand and a work tool in the other. He prayed against his enemies and encouraged the people to depend on the Lord for protection.

8. Expect Disruption (4:10, 5:1–13) Depend On God’s Resources Discouraged people said the mess was too big; their strength was too small and rebuilding would not be possible. Resources were so scarce that they could not provide food for their families. They resorted to selling their children into slavery in order to eat. Nehemiah confronted the leaders who were taking advantage of the situation and set an example of integrity by caring for, rather than exploiting, the people. Envision The 9. Renew Relationships (7:1 and what follows) Future Israel needed renewal in its relationship with God (in faith and trust, in Bible- based convictions, in prayer and worship), with self (facing self-protectiveness and self-centeredness) and with others (in marriage, family, social and spiritual life). Nehemiah resolved to finish the task despite the huge amount of debris, lack of resources, the enemy’s determination and the people’s discouragement. He believed God was in charge. God’s hand was upon him. He brought order to chaos and turned the hearts of the people toward the Lord. What motivated him to stick with it? Certainly he loved Jerusalem and the people. But there is one prayer he prayed consistently. It starts out, “Remember me….” For example, “Remember me for this also, O my God and show mercy to me according to your great love.”(13:22, NIV)1 Nehemiah’s heart longed for deeper intimacy with God—to be remembered by God, shown mercy by God and be loved by God’s great love. Rebuilding

42 In Your Story… Enter 6. Unite With Others Community Other believers provide help in rebuilding and a good community responds to your story with grace. They will encourage you to think deeply about the first five points mentioned here and will walk with you through the final three. Telling your story is like peeling an onion. New layers come off each time you engage with your stories. Your journey may involve going through several seasons of group work. Break 7. Expect Opposition Strongholds Working hard will rouse the enemy. While we are rebuilding, the enemy may see the work, be angered and come in like a flood to fight and hinder the change Christ wants in our lives. This is the time for believers to learn how to resist the opposition of the enemy. When you become eager for God and care well for others, all hell can break loose. Depend On 8. Expect Disruption God’s Resources Group members can become discouraged with the size of the task and the disruptions that come up in group. Leaders can be discouraged by the expectations (real or perceived) of the church or community, personal struggles and conflict with other leaders.

9. Renew Relationships Envision The Future Renewal is needed in your relationships with God (in faith, in Bible-based convictions, in prayer and worship), with yourself (facing self-protectiveness and self-centeredness) and with others (in marriage, family, social and spiritual life). Can you envision what change in these relationships would look like for you?

Rebuilding requires determination and perseverance. Consider the daily challenges you will face:

ŒŒ The tendency to minimize or be overwhelmed by the damage done to you. ŒŒ The attack of the enemy to defeat the work of Christ in and through you. ŒŒ The discouragement that can seep in if you are not surrounded by God’s Word and His people to encourage you to press on. ŒŒ The pull of self-centeredness, when you insist on doing things your own way, instead of God’s way.

43 What Can We Learn from Tamar’s Story?

David has a history of God condemns abuse and does not cover it up. He is committed to exposing it. hiding. His children Many stories in His Word name the messiness and destruction of generational sin, continued to hide. the damage done within families and between family members. What can we learn from His example?

Abuse happens even in families that appear very religious. Tamar’s story did not begin with Tamar. Her family of origin set the stage for her abuse and her family’s response. Her father, King David, is described in the Bible as a man after God’s heart. But David had his own story and his own secrets. Sinful patterns in one generation become sinful patterns in the next. Consider the following:1 David lusted after Bathsheba. Amnon lusted after Tamar. David used his position to get to Amnon used his position to get to Bathsheba. Tamar. David had a co-conspirator in Joab. Amnon had a co-conspirator in Jonadab. David plotted the murder of Uriah. Absalom plotted the murder of Amnon. David held his sin in silence. Absalom silenced his sister Tamar.

David did not repent until God sent the prophet Nathan to confront David (II Samuel 12:7–12) making it clear that David despised the Lord in his heart when he committed adultery and murder. The Lord said, “For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel and before the sun.” (II Samuel 12:12) God exposed David.

There were severe consequences for David’s sin even though he repented. Suffering came to David’s house. David’s child by Bathsheba died and David raised a divided, dysfunctional family. Amnon raped Tamar and Absalom murdered Amnon.

David and Absalom remained angry and silent rather than talk about what happened. David refused to speak to Absalom for three years. Absalom was so angry he planned revenge by taking his father’s throne. He lay with David’s wives in broad daylight. When Absalom was murdered for his treachery, David wept bitter tears of regret alone in his chambers. “Oh, Absalom, Absalom, would that I had died for you.” Would that David had found the strength years earlier to come out of his chambers to confront, protect and comfort his children.

1. What role has sin played in your family history?

How has silence 2. How has silence continued the impact of this sin? affected you? 3. What might have happened if sin had been confronted and talked about?

4. What do you wish would be done about it now?

44 What About Honoring My Father and Mother?

God is not hesitant to confront sin or the misuse of authority. He loves us far too much to let us persist in what will harm us or others without warning us. He does not avoid conflict or disagreement. He speaks truth in love. By doing so, God honors us.

Frequently the concept of honoring someone is confused with blaming. We think that to honor our parents means we must not speak of their faults. But speaking truthfully about our parents’ failures is different from blaming them. Blame focuses on revenge.

When it is our parents who misused us, we are torn by ambivalence. We love them for the ways they were good parents. But we want someone punished for what happened. We love and we hate. We want to expose the truth and we want to protect. Our hearts are in conflict.

Consider this quote from The Intimate Mystery by Dan Allender,2

Honoring our father and mother is not a command to avoid honesty, conflict or disagreement. Many take it as a demand to make sure a parent is never unhappy. But God didn’t put that kind of pressure or responsibility on children. To honor is to acknowledge with gratitude the gift of life we have been given through our parents. It is to name with joy who we have become due to their failures and their glory.

Ultimately, honoring is a tangible way of thanking God for the provision he has offered us through our parents. We are to honor parents who were phenomenal and those who were evil. In either case, we can name what is true, bless them for what we’ve learned and become and invite what is true. Invite them to grow to become even more who they were meant to be. But the growth of our parents is not our first calling.

Honoring your parents does not mean protecting them. It means respecting them enough to hold them accountable for what they have done while also offering grace. This frees us up to tell the truth. If we choose to lie or minimize what happened, we dishonor and disrespect ourselves and those who mistreated us.

45 Can you imagine how Tamar’s life would have changed if David had sought her out to comfort her? What might have happened if David, the one who had the courage to confront Goliath, had found the courage to confront Amnon’s abuse of Tamar and Absalom’s anger? What did David’s silence provoke in Absalom? What if he had gone to Absalom to pursue what was happening in Absalom’s heart?

When a child grows up and leaves a dysfunctional home, he or she will need to rethink what happened. The following sentences may be true but hard to admit.

Can you relate to any of these?

‰‰ My parents have disappointed, harmed, abused, or sinned against me. ‰‰ As adults, my parents had the resources to change, just as I do. It is not help- ful to excuse their sin. It is good to acknowledge it and what it has cost me. ‰‰ As a child I did not have the capacity to understand this and I took the blame. I believed there was something wrong with me and/or my behavior. I had good longings and a genuine need to be lovingly nurtured and pro- tected. ‰‰ When I believe the lie that was ingrained by the harm done, I choose to live according to a false version of reality rather than God’s truth. I need to see things according to the truth. ‰‰ I can’t change my parents and my recovery does not depend on their change. Rather, it depends on my relationship to the only parent who will never fail me: the Lord. ‰‰ As an adult, if I choose to confront, I need to remember that the purpose is to stop further harm and abuse and invite those responsible to repentance and a restored relationship with God and others.

46 Writing a Psalm of Lament

Writing a lament can be a helpful way to connect with your grief and begin to engage with God more deeply about it

The Psalms include many laments, and may serve as places of inspiration for you.

Key elements in a lament include the following: Introductory Cry (How long oh Lord...)

The Lament (the real problem)

Confession of trust in God

Prayer (what you want God to do about the problem)

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