We believe...
Everybody has dignity...
Everyone struggles with depravity... Everybody has a story...
The body of Christ is intended to be a safe place for healing wounds...
People will wrestle with God...
People need to grieve their losses...
People are not responsible for the damage done to them...but they are responsible for the damage they do...
People want to be called to more...
Transformation is a life long journey best done in community with fellow travelers... Copyright © 2000, 2005, 2006, 2008, 2010, 2012, 2019 by Open Hearts Ministry. Revised July 2019 All Rights Reserved.
With the exception of the reprinted material copyrighted elsewhere, no part of this publi- cation may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the pri- or written permission of duly authorized agents of Open Hearts Ministry. Persons wishing to adapt or adopt these materials for their own use or programs may do so by special writ- ten agreement from Open Hearts Ministry. Inquiries are welcomed and should be sent to:
Open Hearts Ministry 625 Kenmore Ave. SE Ste 350 #48859 Grand Rapids, MI 49546-2395 Phone: 269.383.3597 Email: [email protected] www.ohmin.org
Printed in the United States of America. Inside Where we are heading. . . .
The Road of Honesty
1- Revealing My Face...... 1
2- Understanding the Culture of My Family...... 23
3- Naming My Abandonment...... 43
4- Confronting My Betrayal...... 59
The Road of Repentance
5- Battling My Powerlessness...... 73
6- Caught in My Ambivalence...... 89
7- Unearthing My Addictions...... 107
8- Embracing My Sexuality...... 121
The Road of Loving Boldly
9- Enjoying Freedom in Christ...... 135
10- Welcoming Kindness and Sorrow...... 155
11- Walking the Road of Forgiveness...... 171
12- Living With Gratitude...... 183
Resources for the Journey
Appendix...... 191
End Notes and Works Cited...... 200
The Journey Continues
Welcome back to Journey Group!
You have been traveling-- We can see it on your face -- Down roads where you have left your imprint, And the journey’s imprint was left on you.
In honor of being here together Let’s pray that this stop will make a difference, That we will not leave the way we arrived, That our meeting will not leave us unchanged, That we would not only encounter each other, But the Author and Redeemer of our stories.
. ! + Indicates Indicates Indicates Indicates Indicates Teaching Journey Group Homework Journal Additional Content Content Assignment Page Material
4 Session One
Revealing My Face Leader Crib Sheet Session 1: Revealing My Face
Goals
• To ease the tension and build an atmosphere of safety. • To review the basics: Group Agreement and Abuse Definitions. • To facilitate an opportunity for all to share their vision. • To introduce the Body Outline. • To give time to start on Body Outlines. • To encourage dependency on God to carry us through our stories.
Preparation
r Order “The Journey Continues” guide from Open Hearts Ministry at least three weeks in advance. If guides have not arrived, send participants the pages (page 8-10) listing the seven areas to go on their Body Outline (have them write these areas out on 3x5 cards in preparation for Session 1). Also send the Homework Assignment: Preparing to Reveal My Face (page 2).
r Have box of tissues, hearts, and Body Outline paper prepared. Sturdy paper, white preferred, 48” wide and about 7’ long will work well with clear packing tape folded over along the top and bottom.
r Have many colors of washable markers (fine and broad), chalk (sidewalk), tacks, blue painter’s tape or 3M mini command hooks for hanging up outlines, construction paper, scissors, tissue paper (variety of colors), glue and/or small glue gun.
r Consider having a box with extra creative supplies: strips of many colors and textures of fabric (1 1/2” to 4” wide), various colors and textures of yarn, feathers, leather, sheepskin, glitter gel, magazines with pictures, sheets of peel off stickers, paint, duct tape, many colors of “jewels” (to be glued on.)
Journey Group Session
(Determine which co-leader will do each part and how long you will spend on it. You have 90 minutes.) Make a time frame, working backwards, so you can spend at least 30 minutes working on the Body Outline. Plan for your success!
1. _____Ask participants to remain standing as they enter the room. When all have assembled, ask that everyone “freeze frame” their body to show us how they are feeling coming into this group.
2. _____Introduce leaders and participants. Use FORM (Family, Occupation, Recreation, Ministry) or another form of very brief introductions. Have each person (leaders too) share their vision for this journey. Take note of key words used by each person.
3. _____Ask participants “How do you feel about your face?” and get a few sentences from each.
4. _____Read the Group Member Agreement, p. 13 together. Have each member read a section (offer choice to pass if uncomfortable reading aloud). Have everyone indicate agreement.
5. _____Read Looking at Typical Wounds, p. 14. Suggest that each member read a paragraph. Have them check or underline the phrases that apply to their story.
6. _____If time, look at Homework Assignment: Preparing to Reveal My Face in The Journey Continues, p. 2. Participants may have received this assignment when they signed up for Journey Group.
7. _____Cover Body Outline, p. 8-10, with more specific directions about how to draw.
8. _____Give time to work on the Body Outlines, playing soothing instrumental music to ‘cover’ the quiet. Allow approximately 30 minutes for this.
9. _____Homework for Session 2: Examining the Culture of My Family, p. 24.
10. _____ Do a feelings check before departing. Have people record a feeling word on their Body Outline and share with the group (see chart on p. 22).
After Group
• Use the leader processing sheets.
• What did you observe as the participants were being drawn around and began to enter information on their outline?
• Plan for the next session. One leader should tell their story.
• Pray for the participants and yourselves. You have entered a worthy spiritual battle! Leader Guide Session 1: Body Outlines Safe Guidelines
Please be aware that drawing a Body Outline may be quite difficult for people. It will reveal each person’s body image as well as the burdens his/her body has stored from stories. So here are some helpful guidelines:
• Be flexible and allow people to take their time drawing around their bodies.
• Give options and allow individuals to decide what they would like to do. Some may want to do it at home and bring it in. In such cases, participants may decide to trace around their own clothes rather than have another person trace their body.
• Give individuals a chance to choose who they want to have draw around them. (In a co-ed group men trace men, women trace women.)
• Instruct leaders and participants to not touch body parts or draw too close to the body. When drawing inside the person’s leg, only draw up to the knee and allow each person to finish his own drawing from there once you are finished with the rest of the outline. This also prevents clothes from getting marked on accidently.
• Be sensitive about how people feel. Talk about how they feel during this exercise. Ask how it felt afterwards and what they learned about them- selves or others through it.
• Remind people that this Body Outline is like a shadow and can look a little distorted; it is not a true reflection of what they look like. They may want to add hair or fingernails or whatever they can to make their outlines look a little more like themselves so they can identify with them.
• Encourage creativity and be creative yourself.
• Explain that the Body Outline will be used in each session, so it is important that everyone find a way to get it on paper. Let people be responsible for their own Body Outlines, bringing them back to group, storing them, etc.
You will be amazed how effective this tool is in visualizing and getting at the lies and truths of the stories of our lives. Seek to celebrate and enjoy parts of yourself as you participate.
Session 1: Revealing My Face
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man; I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:11-131
We know you have been in the process of looking at your story. We are glad you are making the choice to go deeper and learn more about your story and The Author, Jesus. During the next twelve sessions you will learn more about faith, hope and love; and about your true face. Welcome to The Journey Continues.
Session 1: Journey Map
! Homework t Preparing To Reveal My Face...... 2
. Teaching t Taking Off Our Masks ...... 3 t The Importance of the Details ...... 4 t What to Expect on Your Journey ...... 5 t The Importance of Story ...... 6 t Suggestions for Story Content ...... 8
Journey Group t Body Outline Model ...... 9 t Personal Illustrations ...... 11 t Journey Group Members Agreement ...... 13 t Looking At Typical Wounds ...... 14
Journal Page ...... 17
Additional Materials + t Grounding ...... 20 t Calming Techniques ...... 21 t Feeling Words ...... 22
1 ! Homework: Preparing To Reveal My Face
You have probably experienced some feelings of apprehension coming into The Journey Continues and been curious about what it will look like for you to go deeper. Please ponder these questions in preparation.
1. What do you want the world to believe about you?
2. What do you believe about yourself?
3. What are the core issues that God is revealing in your journey to date?
4. What does conflict stir in you? Why?
5. In what areas do you long for deeper relationships, more passion, and deeper joy?
2 Revealing My Face .
Proverbs 18:14 “A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”2
“In the Old Testament the Hebrew word for spirit is the word for wind which has to do with force, power, or energy. When it refers to inside the human being, the human spirit, it is what we would term today as emotional energy. It is the passion for life that propels us out into life; that makes us want life; to navigate it and deal with it. So what is a crushed spirit? A crushed spirit is to look out at life and to have no desire for it; little or no joy in it; no passion to go out there and deal with it. And of course there are degrees of a crushed spirit. It can be anywhere from listlessness and restlessness, to discouragement or despon- dency, to being very, very cast down and losing all desire to live. This proverb is saying that there is nothing more important than maintaining your inner being. We human beings are obsessed with the idea that our happiness is determined by our external circum- stances. The Bible says that happiness has nothing to do with your external circumstances but rather how you deal with your circumstances. We see this illustrated by Paul in his letters to the churches that are suffering great difficulties and are in hard straits. When he prays for them, he doesn’t pray for protection or for their suffering to end or for justice to be shown to them, rather he prays things like:
That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His spirit in the inner man Eph. 3:16
If your life is all broken and everything goes wrong yet your spirit is strong and powerful, you can move out into the world in strength. But if everything about your life is fine, all the external circumstances are fine but your spirit is crushed, you move out into your world in weakness. Do you understand the priority of that? Proverbs says that if you don’t, you are a fool. The priority must be for the inner life.” 3 Dr. Timothy Keller
Over the next 12 sessions you will be examining your inner life. As you engage in this new phase of your journey, bear in mind that your inner life is unique and complex, and there may be surprises as you begin to unpack some of your bag- gage. Remember that the One who created the complex you is also the One who is leading you in this process, empowering your spirit with His.
Taking Off Our Masks
God acknowledges that when we were children, we talked, thought, and reasoned like children. Part of maturity is being able to understand our childhood and how it influences our life now. We want the reflection of our life to be an honest one. We need to see how we have put on masks to protect ourselves, especially from pain and hurt.
Drew Barrymore, in the movie Never Been Kissed, has a brief scene where, as an adult, she looks in the bathroom mirror. What she sees is her adolescent face (com- plete with pimples). Her reaction to her own face is, “Bad idea!” Do you have a
3 Teaching Leader: face that you show to the world and a face you see in the mirror? The face shown Share what you see in to the world is the one you want others to see, the one you hope others find accept- the mirror and the words able. The face you see in the mirror bears the scars of your experiences. Have you you use to describe your covered your scars for so long that you don’t know what your true face looks like? face. Hiding your face becomes so routine that you may not even realize you are doing it. In the process, you lose touch with your true identity— who you really are in your heart of hearts.
How does it feel to be On this journey, our hope is that you will see the beauty of your face, find your invited to take your voice, and connect more deeply with your heart. We invite you to show up here mask off? without a mask or cover up. We want to really see one another and embrace each face with all its scars. If we are to face one another fully, we must offer one another What do you see when our stories. So this journey begins by taking the masks off. The process can be dif- you look in the mirror? ficult and scary, but is also rewarding and liberating. Let your true self be seen What words do you whether it’s messy, vulnerable, honest, lovely, or unsure. use to describe your face? Normally in relationships, such authenticity comes with trust, and trust is earned over time. (Inability or difficulty trusting is one of the struggles in life that comes What will it mean for from wounds.) Because time is limited, we ask that you lend or extend trust to you to lend us some your group and its leaders. Grow in faith as you choose to trust your leaders, fel- trust? low group members, and ultimately God.
The Importance of the Details
Choosing faith together looks a lot like Numbers 13:17-20 when Moses sent 12 spies to the Promised Land. God had said that he was giving the land of Canaan to the Israelites. In a very similar sense, your journey of risk with the members of your group can be one in which you begin to experience and hope in the new freedom God is giving to you:
When Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan, he said to them, “Go up there into the Negev; then go up into the hill country. See what the land is like, and whether the people who live in it are strong or weak, whether they are few or many. How is the land in which they live, is it good or bad? And how are the cities in which they live, are they like open camps or with fortifications? How is the land, is it fat or lean? Are there trees in it or not? Make an effort then to get some of the fruit of the land.” Now the time was the time of the first ripe grapes. 4 Numbers 13:17-20
The Lord sent Joshua and Caleb with the other spies to check out the land. His commands were very specific and detailed. The spies were sent to bring back a report of where they could see God’s goodness in this land He was going to give them. They were instructed to bring back some fruit, because it had been more than a year of wandering in the desert with only manna. The fruit was to be a sign that God was about to fulfill His promise to them. As you begin to dig deeper into your own story, will you move forward remembering God’s promises to you and where you have tasted the fruit of those promises? God’s faithfulness in the past,
4 even in small ways, will give you a place to anchor your hope for what lies ahead in the next 12 weeks.
The spies started in the southernmost, desert part of the land and continued to the north. Their trek was comprehensive. As you work with your Body Outline again and again, you will have the opportunity to be comprehensive, digging deeply into your life. Moses directed the spies to assess what the people were like: strong or weak, few or many. You will also be looking to see where there was strength or weakness in the people of your story. What kind of land and soil were you raised in: good or bad, fertile or poor? The spies were even directed to notice the trees in the land, because the details matter to God. As you explore your past, let God bring to mind scenes from your story and remind you of the details: colors, sounds, scents, tastes, room layouts, clothes. It will be helpful to walk into these places and to be able to see them as an adult. It will be good to discern what you have believed about yourself as a result. Ask God to give you His truth about you.
The spies took in the details of what they saw and said they were afraid and that this land was not good and the enemies were too big. Only Caleb spoke out against the flow of negativity, urging that they move on with conquering the enemy and taking the land God had promised them. Caleb believed God would be faithful in all those details and that He would fight for them. There may be fear and there are enemies in your story, and God is faithful. He is interested in the details of your story, and His presence is found in the details of your story.
God offered assurance that he would give the Israelites the Promised Land; He Teaching Leader: was inviting them to trust Him and journey into what He had prepared for them. Insert part of your story He wants you to experience His presence and His promises too; He is inviting you here, perhaps where you to journey deeper and trust that He will be with you and will fight for you. God’s have had difficulty with plans, God’s purposes, will not be thwarted— not for the Israelites, not for you! trust.
What to Expect on Your Journey
So God has brought you to this Journey Group at this time, in this place, and He intends to fulfill His promises in your life. You have the opportunity to join two guides and about six other travelers and step out in faith on the journey God has for you. Your lives will intersect continuously with one another. You will be spurred on as you share, ponder and grow together. You may not feel drawn to some people on your expedition. You may experience some conflict during the trip. But when conflict appears, don’t retreat or withdraw. It can turn out well in the end! Your guides can help you work through and acknowledge your conflict. You have a grand opportunity to learn and grow through difficulty, to honor one another’s faces. You will be encouraged to speak about hard things, to share and explore your story in depth. You will also have the chance to be curious about the stories and Body Outlines of others.
Notice what you are feeling as you listen to the other adventurers. Do they remind you of someone? What can you learn about yourself as you interact with others? What kindness can you offer others and yourself? On this venture, you may ex-
5 perience your guides and fellow travelers as God’s tools for release from lifelong bondages! What has been hard in your story may be delightful in the end.
The Importance of Story
So many of our stories are never told; it is one of the reasons that we really don’t know each other very well. Larry Crabb says, “People will not move as far as they could on their journey into God’s presence or experience the power of the Spirit as fully as they could without telling their story to another person.”5
When we fail to tell our stories, our secrets never find a safe place to be shared. So many of our struggles are never heard. Of course, in many of our conversations this is as it should be. We are not healthy if we are intimacy addicts who try to share with every listening ear or try to take every conversation to a deep soul level. But if the story of your soul never comes to light, if the secrets of your heart are never shared, if the struggles in your life are never heard, then you are living the tragedy of an unobserved life. And that is certainly not God’s intention for you.
Perhaps you are terrified to be known. It might seem safer to listen to others than to open up. Yet when you refuse to acknowledge your story and you ignore the present effect of past events, you open your heart to self-deception. You become blind to your sin and how it impacts others and your relationship with God.
Jeremiah 6:14 (The Message) tells it like it is: “My people are broken – shattered! –and they put on band-aids, saying, ‘It’s not so bad. You’ll be just fine.’ But things are not ‘just fine’!”6
Do you see yourself as broken or shattered? Hopefully what brought you here is the recognition that your band-aid is not working very well and you are not ‘just fine.’ Do you long for more than you are experiencing? Do you long for deeper relationships, more passion, and deeper joy? If so, you are in the right place!
Our hope for you is that you will allow the Holy Spirit to help you see the deep- est thoughts and intentions of your heart as you dig deeper than you have before. This will require that you stop pretending that your warm personality, your Bible knowledge, experience, job, position, competence, or quick mind actually impacts people at a soul level. Are you willing to admit that you are helpless to help your- self or others accomplish anything of eternal consequence? If you can admit this, you are ready to lay aside masks, offer your face, and lay hold of God’s promises.
Key Ingredients
Key ingredients for taking off your mask and bearing your face are faith, hope and love. Choose faith as you extend trust to your group leaders and fellow ad- venturers. Choose hope as you risk and thus have more opportunity to experience
6 God. Choose love, for yourself and for those on the adventure with you. Love will involve wanting the best for them and for you. It will encourage you to see others and yourself with God’s eyes and His grace. It will include practicing lov- ing one another deeply from the heart, listening well, and conversing with God in the process. Love involves speaking the truth with kindness, grace, and wisdom. This journey will involve risk, openness, sensitivity, and honesty. Love will include staying true to the member’s agreement and loving well enough to call your fellow travelers back to it if necessary.
This is a unique time. Take advantage of this opportunity for growth. Extend kindness. At the moment, the twelve sessions stretch out endlessly before you. The time will pass quickly. We will have to end our expedition. This opportunity will pass.
So choose courage, which John Wayne defined as “being scared to death and sad- dling up anyway.” This is a great and worthy adventure. Listen to God; He will be cheering you on.
The Body Outline Teaching Leader: To help us visualize and share our stories, we will be using a tool that will serve us move towards your over the course of our journey. We call it the Body Outline. Your group leaders will own Body Outline as provide the paper, markers and other supplies, as well as explain the options for you talk about these getting your Body Outline on paper. We want to emphasize that you have choices points. in how this is done. Your group will respect your wishes and your comfort level.
The Body Outline is like a shadow. It probably will look distorted and is not a true reflection of what you look like. You may want to add some hair or other charac- teristics to make it yours. The very act of outlining your body may stir deep feelings in you. Notice how it feels to be drawn around. Notice how you feel about this Body Outline. After all, your body has housed your story.
Part of why we use the Body Outline is because it is a good tool to aid in con- necting the two sides of your brain, which don’t always access one another very well. The right brain is where emotion and memory are held, while logic is held in the left-brain. When we experience a disconnect between the two, we can get confused over things like why we cry for no logical reason. Emotions and body memories can be expressed without any consciousness that such expressions are happening. The Body Outline visually expresses such memories and emotions, helping you to feel, acknowledge, and process them simultaneously.
Remember to be kind to yourself as you choose what you will write and how you will write about it on your outline. Kindness is full of thought and allows for feelings. Kindness gives the child of your story a voice. If your story feels big and overwhelming, kindness may include choosing a few scenes to write about initially, knowing you can add more later as opposed to trying to get everything on the paper all at once. Or if you tend to be silent and hold your story inside,
7 then kindness may look like writing more than you feel comfortable with initially, trusting that the group will hold your words with grace and love. Kindness will include staying present to feel what is happening in your body as you decide how you would like to engage this process.
Teaching Leader: Ultimately, the Body Outline reflects what we believe or don’t believe and gives us Tell your story from an opportunity to engage those beliefs with truth. your Body Outline here. Remember to be kind to yourself and not to over- Suggestions for Story Content expose yourself in what you choose to share. Take time to gather your thoughts on index cards and then transfer them to the Body Outline. Here are some suggestions to help you develop the story content for your Body Outline. How much information you have on any topic may depend on your unique family situation.
1. List your date of birth, labels that you carried, nicknames, what you were told, thought or felt about yourself.
2. List your siblings and use descriptive words or pictures to illustrate their roles in the family, a brief history and any issues or addictions.
3. List your dad’s birth date, role in the family, brief history and any issues or addictions.
4. List your mom’s birth date, role in the family, brief history and any issues or addictions.
5. List events that happened in your world that influenced or impacted you, such as world events, culture, religion, losses, moves, deaths, divorces, your parent’s relationship, etc.
6. On your Body Outline share the traumas, abuses, boundary violations, and events that you feel may have shaped and influenced you as a child and on into adulthood. Remember, what might seem trivial to you as an adult could have been a big deal to a child. What messages did you carry away from these experiences? What did you believe? What feelings did you have? Try to place these on your outline where they impacted you.
7. List how any of the above is impacting you currently.
Be creative. Use pictures, words, and colors to illustrate your story. Don’t worry if it is not complete. You will add to it over the sessions ahead. This will be a work in progress that helps you to explore your story, your scenes, and your beliefs about yourself. This representation of you will help clarify how the past affects your present.
8 Body Outline Model (Each of these points should be reflected in the outline of your body.)
1. My birth:
2. My siblings:
3. My Dad:
4. My Mom:
5. Events in my world:
6. My story, messages, feelings:
7. My current situation:
9 . Body Outline Model
7. My current situation
5. Events in my world 2. My siblings
6. My story, messages, feelings
1. My birth 4. My Mom 3. My Dad
10 Personal Illustration
One Woman’s Story
Prior to starting The Journey Continues, I was feeling a lot of anxiety about the Body Outline. I had questions like, What if I feel uncomfortable while I’m being traced? What if I don’t like what I see? What if I feel exposed?
As I suspected, a lot of those feelings and thoughts were stirred in me both while I was being traced and after I hung my outline on the wall. However, I was not alone in this. I was able to share some of my fears with my group and I found that other group members had their own thoughts and feelings about engaging the outline. Our experiences were very unique, and that was okay.
By the second and third sessions, I found myself with a new set of questions. How do I use this outline? What if I do it wrong? And again, what if I feel exposed? Well, I did feel exposed at times, and in that, I realized that I had choices – I could choose what and how much of my story I wanted to share with my group. In deciding to embrace the process, I also discovered that there is no wrong way to approach the outline. I was encouraged to use it however I wanted to – however I needed to.
So, I spent the rest of the sessions covering my outline with color, chalk, markers, tape, pictures, plastic bags, paper clips, words, and drawings. If I had something to express – a piece of my story, a feeling, and a response from the teaching time – I put it on the outline. After only a short while, my outline began to come alive with my story. For the first time, I could really see with my eyes the violence, the sorrow, the longing, and the hope. This was so powerful because it brought to the surface some very deep-seated thoughts and feelings that I was then able to unpack with my group.
The whole process also invited me to engage the themes in my story in a new way. I was able to consider the many ways that betrayal, shame, ambivalence, and disappointment have affected me not just emotion- ally and spiritually, but even physically. I carry so much of the energy of my story in my body, and the outline provided me with a tangible place to put that energy.
Throughout the sessions, I spent time looking around the room at the stories covering the walls. It was so encouraging to see the unique movement on each outline – the places where lies had been written and then very literally crossed out and replaced with Truth. Although I had anxiety in the beginning about the Body Outline, it ended up being a vehicle for me that took me further down the road of healing and redemption.
11 Personal Illustration
One Woman’s Story
“Try to relax. I am drawing an outline of your body and the marker is just coming up your arm toward your shoulder. I can stop anytime if you need a break,” she kindly spoke. “I am relaxed,” I replied. “No,” she softly continued. “You are trying to grip the concrete floor with your whole body.” She was right, all my muscles were tense. I had felt safe with the female leader and requested that she draw my outline while lying on Use care and be the floor. However, my body had much to say about the remarkably intense exercise. sensitive when tracing around the body. Let When it came time to write my story in that “Gumby” shaped Body Outline, I felt nauseated with each word the participant choose that filled the space. My feminine heart felt anything but beautiful. It was hard to breathe. Finally finished, who does this. I taped it to the wall and walked away. Ironically, this action was not lost on me. How many times had I taped myself up and walked away from my story, trying to control my world and be strong enough on my own? Yet there she was the next day and every session that followed, every wound and scar for all to see. It Group leaders can was difficult to see her and to have her seen by others. There seemed no place to hide. Now of course I did hand out one 3x5 card have a choice. I could look at the core of my heart and pain while allowing others to see me and enter my for each point. pain or resist the process. I decided not to resist.
The Body Outline took me deeply into my story. And to my surprise, instead of suffocating I found a place to breathe. My group took time to see me, be curious, and speak truth. We found unexpected connections through what was written, drawn, or missing on my Body Outline. My heart responded to my group’s lov- ing, hard-hitting truth. The men in my group fought well to protect my beauty as a woman. Strongly and tenderly, they entered a dark scene of my story where agreements with evil and false messages still clung to my heart. Breaking those agreements and speaking truth into those places freed up space in my heart for the beauty of my God given glory! I began to not only understand my heartache, but see hope for my future. And somewhere in the process my outline became more than just a bunch of words about my past on a piece of butcher paper. It became a compass for my future. A story that God and I are writing together about a woman full of life!
12 Journey Group Members Agreement There are some things that can make the journey safe and enjoyable if we agree on them from the beginning. Discuss the following agreement with your fellow travelers. Can you agree on these boundaries? What will agreeing to these boundaries produce in the group?
1. Regular Attendance: I will attend all scheduled teaching lessons and small group sessions. If I cannot attend, I will let one of my leaders know.
2. Confidentiality: I will maintain confidentiality of group members’ stories and experiences. What is said in group stays in group. If confidentiality is Explain the extent broken, I will tell the group. Critical information: Group leaders and group and limits of supervisors have a moral and legal responsibility to report the following: confidentiality: it may 1. A threat or danger to self or others; 2. A disclosure of recent abuse; be broken if self-harm 3. Other legal requirements that demand confidential information be revealed. or harm to someone else is disclosed. 3. Respect the Process: I will not tell people what they need to do, interrogate, preach at, or try to “fix” others in the group. I will respect each group mem- ber’s process in finding his/her own answers and will not push into their story when it is unwanted. I will work on the issues that are brought up in group and will talk about the group process as I experience it.
4. Respect Others: I will consider the impact of my words on others and will refrain from abusive language.
5. Share Personally: I am here to work on my own issues, not others’. In doing so, I will use “I” statements to share experiences, insights, and feelings.
6. Limit Sharing: When necessary, I will limit my own sharing to give others a chance to enter in.
7. Allow feelings: I will not touch, hug, pass tissues, or interfere in an emotional situation without being asked or asking permission. I will avoid minimizing hurts, explaining them away, ignoring them, or rescuing people from their feelings.
8. Listen: I will avoid “side-talk” and will give each person my undivided attention.
9. Stay on the Subject: I will avoid debates over controversial topics that are outside the issues, yet will not shy away from negative or difficult issues that are on topic.
10. Consider Others: I will guard against offending others. If someone offends me, I will work it out directly with him/her. I will give constructive feedback with grace.
11. Take Responsibility: I will take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, issues and recovery. I will invest in and take care of myself physically, getting sufficient rest and taking prescribed medications. I will not use alcohol or illegal drugs during my group experience.
13 Looking at Typical Wounds
Wounds come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You might think of abuse as a very strong word that refers only to a narrow group of experiences that are the burden of only a few people. It is important to remember that the parent or caregiver does not have to intend to hurt the child for the harm to be labeled as abuse.7
Take a look at the following definitions. Does this change how you perceive abuse? Does it change how you look at what happened in your own story?
Abandonment involves being disregarded, ignored, forsaken or discarded. All human beings are biologically hardwired to attach to another human being. At- tachment includes the need to bond, connect, belong and be loved. Physical aban- donment can be experienced when a child feels left alone through divorce or death, when working parents leave a child with a caregiver and when everyone in a family is too busy to connect, or when physical needs are neglected. Emotional abandonment occurs when children feel that a parent or caregiver does not value or accept them or neglects or dismisses their emotional and developmental needs, causing a child to lose a sense of who they are and what they feel or need.
Betrayal can be defined as the breaking of any implied or stated commitment of care. It attacks the dignity of another, leaving the person feeling marred, marked, manipulated. Anger, contempt, loss of trust, loss of faith, numbness and apathy are often connected to the experience of being betrayed.
Emotional Abuse may be verbal or nonverbal, active or passive.
Verbal abuse includes defensive anger, which is used to threaten, intimidate, or distance another. It may include name-calling, cursing, criticism, continual blame shifting, threats and the use of “zingers”, as well as being argumentative, chang- ing the subject, withholding support, humiliating, shaming, dominating, control- ling, forgetting, or denying and rewriting the past.
Nonverbal abuse may be experienced in degrading gestures such as “flipping the bird”, the silent treatment, looking down and shaking one’s head, refusing to ac- knowledge someone when he/she enters the room, or turning one’s back to anoth- er when support is needed. Economic unfairness may also be a form of nonverbal abuse as well as the unspoken use of male privilege.8
Active emotional abuse (of the type listed above) damages because of its presence.
Passive emotional abuse damages because of its absence. Examples include: • Not being cherished by and delighted in by your parents simply because you exist. • Not having a parent take the time to understand who you are— encour- aging you to share who you are, what you think, and what you feel.
14 • Not receiving large amounts of non-sexual physical nurturing— laps to sit on, hands to hold, and a willingness to let you go when you have had enough. • Not receiving age-appropriate limits and having those limits enforced in ways that affirm your value. • Not being taught how to do hard things, such as problem solving and developing persistence. • Not being given opportunities to develop your resources and talents.
Physical Abuse is any kind of physical harm, such as beating with an object, breaking bones, burning with matches or cigarettes, hitting, slapping, kicking, hair pulling, squeezing, pushing, shaking, or scalding with hot water. In extreme situ- ations, physical abuse leads to death. Physical abuse also includes not allowing a child to eat, drink, or use the bathroom, or not giving a child adequate food, cloth- ing, shelter, or medical and dental care. 9
Satanic Ritual Abuse includes abuse from families who have been involved in the occult (sometimes for generations), people who have been pulled in as chil- dren and are programmed to be perpetrators, and people from secret lodges, of- ten from the wealthy, educated segments of society. These abusers can be found in churches, lodges, and community service organizations. They call on Satan to manifest himself in group meetings and ceremonies, with the goal of gaining power through harming and killing the innocent. The most innocent would be an unborn child. All that these abusers do is designed to be a perversion of Christian- ity. The leaders are addicted to evil, engaging in progressively more evil activities. They use alcohol and drugs to dull their consciences and the pain of what their addiction demands that they do. Their consciences become seared.
Sexual Abuse involves any contact or interaction whereby a vulnerable person (usually a child or adolescent) is used for the sexual stimulation of an older, stron- ger, or more influential person. (The “older, stronger, or more influential” criteria may be real or perceived. Sexual abuse may even occur between children who are the same age when one child is compliant and the other is the leader.)
Sexual abuse is a much broader category than physical intercourse. It includes simulated intercourse as well as any touching, rubbing or patting that is meant to arouse sexual pleasure in the offender. It may also involve visual, verbal, or psy- chological interaction where there is no physical contact.
Sexual abuse may also include the abuse of a submissive adult by a person in a position of power, such as a priest, pastor, therapist, boss, doctor, or teacher. It may also include forced sexual contact, manipulated or through threats, when the aggressor is a romantic interest, colleague, co-worker, spouse or any other known person.
15 Visual Sexual Abuse involves exposing a victim to pornography or to any other sexually provocative scene, including exposure to showering, intercourse, or vari- ous stages of undress.
Verbal Sexual Abuse involves an attempt to seduce or shame a child by the use of sexual or suggestive words. (This shaming may be passive. The child internalizes the words that a careless adult uses toward him/her and grows up bearing false images.)
Emotional Incest includes interactions where a child is regularly used to play the role of an adult spouse, confidante, or counselor.
Spiritual Abuse is the misuse of Scripture to manipulate, control, or demand sub- mission. Spiritual authority may be misused to justify inappropriate behavior or deny another the right to attend church or engage in worship. Legalism (creat- ing non-biblical rules that must be followed to attain good status in a church) is abusive and gives a false sense of self-righteousness. Re-abuse occurs when the pain of wounded people is minimized or labeled as unspiritual and they are told they need to pray more and read the Bible more. Ministries to the wounded need the protection of church leaders. Spiritual abuse happens when leaders refuse to believe reports of abuse in the church and do not value a person’s voice, regardless of age or gender.
Spousal Abuse or Battering is a pattern of coercive behaviors used to establish control over another person through fear, intimidation, emotional abuse or social isolation, often including the use or threat of physical or sexual violence. Spousal sexual abuse involves any contact or interaction whereby one person is used for the sexual satisfaction of the other or where sexual interaction is used to control or take revenge of the other spouse.
Witnessing Abuse can cause the same damage as being directly abused. People who witness abuse often feel isolated, responsible for the abuse, or helpless to stop it. They suffer from medical problems, ambivalence about one or both par- ents/caregivers, fear of being abandoned, and emotional and behavioral problems. Many fear physical harm. They may be pessimistic about the future, have eating and sleeping disorders, use drugs or alcohol, engage in delinquent behavior, feel guilt and depression and fantasize about a “normal” childhood. Violence is seen and experienced as the norm, which means they may have a tendency to be violent toward others or themselves.10
16 Journal Page
My feelings about my experience of this first session...
17 “Most people go through their entire lives never speaking words to another human being that come out of what is deepest in them, and most people never hear words that reach all the way into that deep place we call the soul... We almost never hear words that stir life within us, that pour hope into those empty spaces deep inside filled only with fear and frustration. We rarely hear words that draw our soul into the soul of another human being and, together, into God.” 11
-Larry Crabb-
18 Session One: Additional Material
Grounding Exercise ...... 20
Calming Techniques ...... 21
Feeling Words ...... 22
19 Grounding Exercise1
Grounding, or establishing a firm foundation, can be helpful when a person is feeling traumatized after hearing a story or telling their own. Feeling overwhelmed may look like hyperventilating, anxiety or having a panic attack.
We want to RE-VISIT stories from our past not RE-LIVE them. If we are RE-LIVING, we may have a tendency to re-traumatize ourselves. RE-VISITING means we go back and look at the pain we knew as a child through adult eyes and with adult understanding.
The Exercise:
This is a simple five-step process that can be used in anticipation of a stressful event.
The Steps:
1. Check your breathing. Breathing should be rhythmic and from the diaphragm (The belly expands.) Try breathing slowly and deeply.
2. Make a pleasant face. The corners of your mouth should be lifted in an agreeable smile.
3. Align your posture. Assume an upright, erect and balanced position, whether you are seated or standing. Try not to sit stiffly.
4. Check for muscle tension. Relax any tense muscles, starting with your head and working down to your feet. If this is hard, tighten each muscle and then concentrate on relaxing them as much as possible.
5. Take control of your thinking. Formulate a statement that acknowledges the truth of your here and now reality and a solution to handle it.
“I’m present. I’m safe. I can say no when I need to.” “ I’m feeling the effects of my past. I can stop thinking about this when I’ve had enough.”
Then choose to think on God’s truth. Pick something that is meaningful to you. Some examples might be:
“Jesus loves me.” “God cares about me.” “God is in control.” “I am safe.”
The secret to effective use of this technique in times of stress is to practice it when you are not stressed. Just as your body can learn to respond to negative triggers with a stress response you can teach it to respond to negative triggers with a relaxation response.
20 Calming Techniques2
Listed below are some of the skills you can use to help yourself when you feel stressed. Some are focused on what you can do in the moment, or short term and others are focused on helping you figure out what upset you and reminded you of the past. For more information, please visit mediate.com
Mental Visualization Imagine yourself in a place where you feel comfortable, content and at peace, as you do, your heart rate will drop and you will relax. The more vivid the details you include the better. It helps to identify the scene you plan to use in advance before you are triggered. Examples include a tropical beach, a favorite childhood spot, or a quiet wooded glen.
Meditation To meditate, sit in a comfortable place, close your eyes, relax your body and focus your attention on something for a period of time. This is hard to do in the moment when you are triggered, but it can be very helpful during short breaks during your day. Even 5 minutes is helpful and using it at the end of the day before you sleep is a great time to practice.
Distraction Both mental visualization and meditation can be called distraction techniques. You are moving your attention from what caused the stressful reaction to something which has the opposite effect. Other examples might be to try and count back in multiples of 23, humming a nursery song, cleaning, or going for a walk.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation Try tensing and relaxing your feet–one at a time, then your legs-one at a time, then your hands-one at a time. Just that will help. For a full ‘treatment’ you would ideally begin with your facial muscles and work down through the shoulders, arms, chest, legs and feet.
Exercise Any exercise you can do, at the time of, or soon after you have been triggered will help.
Other Ideas Singing a song, listening to music, hugging a stuffed pillow or comfort object, wrapping up in a blanket, rocking. Some people respond to visual cues and may find that looking at a particular picture or poster is helpful. Journaling about your feelings and thoughts is another tool for addressing the issue and may help you figure out what triggers you.
21 FEELING WORDS3
Love Open Happy Alive Good Interested Positive Strong Loving Understanding Joyous Playful Calm Concerned Eager Sure Considerate Confident Fortunate Courageous Peaceful Affected Intent Certain Affectionate Reliable Delighted Energetic At Ease Fascinated Anxious Unique Sensitive Easy Overjoyed Liberated Comfortable Intrigued Inspired Dynamic Pleased Tender Amazed Gleeful Optimistic Encouraged Absorbed Determined Tenacious Devoted Free Thankful Provocative Clever Inquisitive Excited Hardy Attracted Sympathetic Important Impulsive Surprised Nosy Enthusiastic Secure Passionate Interested Festive Giddy Content Snoopy Bold Empowered Admiration Satisfied Ecstatic Animated Quiet Engrossed Brave Ambitious Warm Receptive Satisfied Spirited Relaxed Intense Daring Powerful
Touched Accepting Glad Thrilled Serene Curious Challenged Confident
Sympathy Kind Cheerful Wonderful Free and Easy Friendly Optimistic Bold
Close Amiable Sunny Generous Bright Caring Re-enforced Determined
Loved Appreciative Elated Goofy Blessed Involved Confident
Comforted Safe Jubilant Reassured Hopeful
Angry Depressed Confused Helpless Indifferent Afraid Hurt Sad Irritated Lousy Upset Incapable Insensitive Fearful Crushed Tearful
Enraged Disappointed Doubtful Alone Dull Terrified Tormented Sorrowful
Hostile Discouraged Uncertain Paralyzed Nonchalant Suspicious Deprived Pained
Sore Ashamed Indecisive Fatigued Neutral Alarmed Tortured Grieved
Annoyed Powerless Perplexed Useless Reserved Panic Dejected Desolate
Upset Diminished Embarrassed Inferior Weary Nervous Rejected Desperate
Bitter Guilty Hesitant Vulnerable Bored Scared Injured Unhappy Aggressive Dissatisfied Shy Empty Preoccupied Worried Offended Lonely Resentful Miserable Disillusioned Forced Cold Frightened Afflicted Mournful Inflamed Disgusting Unbelieving Hesitant Disinterested Timid Aching Dismayed Provoked Terrible Skeptical Despair Lifeless Shaky Victimized Hurt Infuriated In Despair Distrustful Frustrated Numb Restless Heartbroken Weary Cross Sulky Lost Distressed Out of It Doubtful Appalled Broken A Sense of Worked up Loss Unsure Woeful Tired Threatened Humiliated Boiling Flat Pessimistic In a Stew Stuck Quaking Wronged
Fuming Tense Dominated Wary Alienated
22 Session Two
Understanding the Culture of my Family FEELING WORDS3 Leader Crib Sheet Session 2: Understanding the Culture of my Family
Goals
• To understand how the culture of your family affected and still affects your responses to what happens in your life on a daily basis. • To identify some of the specifics of your family culture. • To break denial of what was done to you and begin to grieve the losses. • To understand God’s design for the family and your legitimate core longings, and to begin to consider what it would look like to break generational sin patterns.
Preparation
r Read “Key Reminders for Interacting with Body Outline” (found after the crib sheet section for this lesson)
r Read the lesson; prepare homework and small group sharing pages.
r Have ready: hearts, tissues, tacks or blue tape to hang up Body Outlines.
r Have your Body Outline hung up and ready to share.
r Ask everyone to hang their outlines up as they arrive. We will do this each time we meet.
Journey Group Session
(Determine which co-leader will do each part and how long you will spend on it. You have 90 minutes.)
1. _____ Begin the habit of writing on the Body Outline what was stirred in them during the teaching time indicating where it was felt. What was the culture of your family? (i.e. dismissive, shutdown, controlling, secretive, etc. Make sure everyone gets a chance to share.)
2. _____ Use questions from the Journey Group Exercise, p. 33 to facilitate discussion. Be sure to have participants note on their Body Outline what they are discovering/sharing.
3. _____ One leader (male if coed leaders) shares Body Outline. (Allow 15 minutes for this)
4. _____Allow 10-15 minutes of responding and prayer for the one who has shared if they desire. 5. _____ Homework for Session 3: Abandonment Inventory, p. 44. Continue working on the Body Outline. Add thoughts from this session. Who wants to tell their story next?
6. _____ Do a feelings check before departing. Have people record a feeling word on their Body Outline and share with the group.
After Group
• Use the leader processing sheets.
• Are all group members participating? Do the feeling words indicate safety?
• Plan for next week. Have the second leader tell their story.
• Pray for the group and yourselves. Session 2: Understanding the Culture of My Family Understanding how your family responded to all that happened around them on a daily basis will help you put truth to the culture your family cultivated throughout your childhood. This culture formed your daily reality as a child, and you had no choice except to adapt. Your father and mother were tasked not only with bringing you into this world but with nurturing and molding you into a person who could both know and love God as well as know how to live a whole and healthy life (see Deuteronomy 6:1-9; 7:6-9).
How did your family do? Did you get what you needed? Do you know what you needed? How full was your “emotional tank”? This lesson is designed to help you consider the environment of your home and what was planted in your soul as a result.
Session 2: Journey Map
! Homework tExamining the Culture of My Family ...... 24
. Teaching tUnderstanding the Culture of My Family ...... 25 tWhat Was Cultivated in Me ...... 27 tHonoring My Father and Mother ...... 28
Journey Group tUnderstanding the Culture of My Family ...... 31 tPersonal Illustrations ...... 32 tJourney Group Exercise...... 33
Journal Page ...... 34
Additional Materials + tWhat Do Children Really Need ...... 38 tType A Traumas ...... 38 tType B Traumas ...... 39 tWhat About Honoring My Father and Mother ...... 40
23 ! Homework: Examining the Culture of my Family
1. What phrase have you most often used when people ask you what your family was like?
2. How do you most often describe your parents to others?
3. How was anger and conflict handled in your home?
4. What was your family’s opinion on:
• God/Church/Religion –
• Work –
• Race –
• Sex –
5. What were the rules in your home?
6. How have you continued the culture in which you grew up within your current home?
24 Understanding the . Culture of My Family
What is the Culture of My Family?
Your family raised you in the context of a certain culture that “worked”, and in that culture both beauty and dysfunction were manifested. Your culture was not what happened to you or the events and traumas that marked your daily existence; culture is about the responses your family offered you through those experiences. The ways your family engaged you gave you a way to think about and respond to everything that happened as you grew up. Was your culture dogmatic and rigid, silent and dismissive, sexual and deviant, flat and lonely, pretentious and con- trolling, violent and dramatic, etc.? Whatever it was, it was your “normal”, and you were powerless to do anything except navigate survival within this cultural reality. How did your family respond to crisis? How did your parents respond to their own failures, and how did they respond to yours? Did your family talk openly about things or were they silent? What happened when someone was sick? How was sexuality handled? How was modesty handled? Teaching Leader: Examples of Family Cultures: Share about your family. • Dismissive — Privacy/Sexuality are not valued: Bathroom doors cannot be locked; anyone can walk in to brush their teeth while you are using the toilet.
• Shutdown/Lonely — Loss and pain are not that bad: Family moves every 12 months, parents handle this with statements like “it will be fine”, “the new house is beautiful”, and “don’t cry”.
• Pretentious/Controlling — Appearances are everything and performance matters most: Dinner table is always perfectly set, beds made meticulously, house always clean, rules posted on the refrigerator. Failure is met with statements like, “you know better than that”; “what will people at church think when they hear about this?”
Your family culture informed your soul, positively or negatively, about how to function day by day, and it was defined by customs, habits, credos, punishments, rewards, etc. Out of this family culture was born your understanding, attitude, and responses towards all things in your world.
The Culture of King David’s Family You can find the full account of The story of King David offers us an example of family culture and its impact on David’s story in 2 children. David fostered a culture of minimization, fear, hiding and revenge in Samuel 11-13. his family. The story of David’s family culture stretches through many chapters of scripture. 25 We see the patterns of David’s family begin in his relationship with Bathsheba: adultery followed by an unexpected pregnancy, which David attempts to cover by having Bathsheba’s husband come home from war for a few days to have sex with her. When he refuses, David has him murdered. David’s response to an event that needed his honest ownership of his failure was silence, followed by murder. Years later, his daughter Tamar is raped by her half brother and silenced on the issue of the abuse by her full brother, who then murders her rapist. Places where David responded poorly in his family fostered a damaging legacy in the lives of his children.
Yet alongside such violence, we find David also exhibiting and encouraging a pas- sionate love for God as he worships Him and eventually models repentance and sorrow over his sin.
David’s children felt the difficulty of holding all of these realities, which created the culture they grew up in.
What must it have been like to grow up as a child of King David?
With which of these • Proud of your strong, courageous dad do you identify • Afraid of him, knowing he is capable of murder with? • Desperate to fill the empty space left by his silence • Confused about the God your violent father worships and prays repentantly to • Uncertain, never knowing what might happen next with your dad • Spoiled but neglected • Emotionally empty
David’s children experienced what many of us have known in our families. Many of us have been traumatized as children in the form of physical or sexual abuse; many more suffer from the absence of good things that are necessary for emotional maturation, and help is not usually available. School failure, depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem, chronic physical illness, violent behavior and disturbing sexual urges are some of the common after-effects of childhood traumas.1 Untreated trau- ma isolates us from God and community. People continue to suffer throughout their lives because the effects of early abuse receive no attention or receive atten- tion that furthers the abuse. To end the suffering, we have to acknowledge the impact of the cultures we were raised in.
26 What was Cultivated in Me? Teaching Leader: Share what was The culture of your family cultivated the soil of your heart and prepared it for cultivated in you seeds to be sown. As adults we are reaping the results of what was sown. If the and what type of culture of your family was one of shame, you may have had hopelessness and child you became. desperation cultivated in your soul. If your culture was rigid with many unspoken rules, you may have difficulty dreaming and making personal decisions about how you want to live as an adult. Siblings growing up in the same family culture may find that even though the same seeds were sown, different results were culti- vated in them, based on their unique makeup. Evil will use whatever is available to accomplish its purposes, purposes designed to rob you of your God given dig- nity, leaving you marred and in shame. Considering what has grown in you as a result of your family culture can open the door to change in places of shame and gratitude for places of goodness.
As you proceed, remember that God is in the details of your story. Your guides will stop and make camp for you here, encouraging you to dig around in the soil of your life and to examine the seeds that were sown into your life. You may be surprised by what you find and how it is now impacting those around you.
1. Which of your core needs as a child were missed in the culture of your family?
• Respect • Assurance • Attention • Opportunities to learn without • Praise punishment or pressure • Protection • Acceptance of self as being unique • Play • Socialization rather than conformity • Consistency • Permission to feel and express • Role Models/Teachers • Age appropriate challenges and • Supporters/Allies choices • Loving and Safe Touch
2. As a result, what type of child were you?
• Fearful • Anxious • Daring • A bully • Hopeless • A pleaser • Dramatic (needing attention and willing to settle for even negative attention) • A watcher (noticing everything and taking it all in) • A high performer
Did your family culture cultivate play, creativity, dreaming, kindness, strength, structure, rest, peace, spirituality? 27 As an adult what What am I Cultivating in Others? are you now reap- ing as a result of the Each one of us is damaged and broken. We are all vulnerable, and sin fractures us cultivation of your in many ways throughout our lives. Consequently we are unable to totally avoid family? Name both traumas, some of which leave long lasting scars. positives and nega- tives. Such traumas can have profoundly detrimental effects on not only us, but those we now care for. When you come from a background of abuse, sometimes as parents the word “careful” is not about being full of care, it is about putting your children What are some of in a prison of your own fears, and even “careful” parents cannot keep children your fears that have completely out of harm’s way. For example, saying, “I spent the night at a friend’s affected how you house and I was abused, therefore my child will NEVER go to a sleep-over.” God are/would raise is going to build your children’s faith, and you cannot stop it from happening; your own children? the prison of your own fear could be one of the most damaging cultural aspects Perhaps your fears of your children’s life. Kids will be traumatized one way or another, and many are keeping you people spend much of their adult lives trying to overcome the effects of these early from having chil- traumas. dren or being in a relationship. What About Honoring My Father and Mother?
Teaching Leader: As you begin this process of exploring the impact of your family’s culture, you Share what you may have feelings of deep loyalty and love for your parents as well as deep con- have done to honor cerns about dishonoring them. your father and mother. The goal is not to assert blame; we want to tell the truth. Did you know that the Hebrew word “honor” from the verse “honor your father and mother” means “to consider the weight of”?2 Your parents weighed into your life both for good and for bad. We want for you to tell the truth, the whole truth. Your desire to remain loyal and loving towards your parents is honorable, and you can still consider the weight of their impact and speak truthfully about what it felt like to grow up in your home.
What does the truth offer your parents? FREEDOM. If they are alive, it offers an opportunity for repentance; it is a gift. Speaking the truth about your fam- ily begins to open the door for more restored relationship, restoration based on God’s redemptive work, not the illusion of something “good” produced by silence and minimization. Your loyalty and love can be based on the redeemed truth, not cheaply forgiven secrets and dismissive platitudes like “they did the best they could…”
God’s best existed in Eden, prior to the Fall, and it was pure, perfect, and reflected His holiness. We have all lived with the impact of sin in our families since then. It is some distance between God’s best and what you actually received. We simply want to tell the truth about the loss between what you were meant to receive and what you actually did receive. Telling the truth will open the door to grieve what has been lost and receive comfort from God for where your soul has been harmed, leaving you distanced from Him.
28 We often construct a language of lies that minimizes our stories to make them Sanitized Story work for us. Basically we “sanitize” our stories, we clean them up and drive by What ways do you them fast enough that we leave no place for people to care about us. Phrases such sanitize your story as: when you tell it? • Best they could • Not that bad What words do • No big deal you need to change • I was abused, but... on your Body Out- line to reflect the These words are designed to keep people from stopping, noticing, and walking TRUTH, and not a around in our stories. In fact, they keep us from having to stop and feel the impact safe, sanitized ver- of our own stories. Your guides, the co-leaders, will be stopping to make camp sion of it? and inviting you to take a seat and to take in the scenery of your story. They will ask you what you notice, and you could ask your fellow travelers what they see and how they would describe the landscape and the dirt of your story.
One Participant’s Story
I could tell you this story and every word of it would be true.
(Sanitized): Teaching Leader: • I was born and raised in the same home until college. Share the sanitized • We were a middle class family in a quiet neighborhood with lots of kids. words you have used. • I walked to elementary, middle, and high school because they were all so close and safe; I even had a childhood best friend to grow up with. • My parents never divorced. I have a sister in Tennessee with 2 boys. • My mom was a school secretary and my dad was a nuclear mechanical engineer for a research institute. He knew how to do everything, fix cars, build stuff, even our TV. • I was raised going to church and I became a Christian when I was 18. What are the And I could tell you “the more” of my story and every word will reveal more sanitized words you truth have used to de- scribe your family? (Unsanitized): • Both of my parents would drink until they passed out. They were What unsanitized alcoholics for my entire life. truth would you like to name on your • I would hear the draining sound of their martini glasses clinking Body Outline? together every weekday at 5:30, Saturdays at 4:00, and Sunday’s at noon as my dad got some ice and poured himself and my mom their first drinks. • I would feel the life flush from my body at that sound and I would check out as our home became a smoke filled haze of drunken unknowns every day.
29 • I had close friends and yet no one knew my life inside our house. I spent every day worried, wanting, and alone. • There was no talking about anything, and my questions about life and who I was only added to my worry. • At 13, I was worried about how I was going to learn to wash clothes, cook, manage money, find a place to live. • Having a wife was out of the question – who would love someone like me, I don’t know how to do anything. • My parent’s reckless drunkenness afforded me many haunting and humiliating memories.
Losses to Consider: • Friendships Choosing to Grieve • Play • Job Opportunities As you break denial in the categories of: • College / Educa- tional Opportunities • What was done to you. •Space to Dream • What you got that you didn’t deserve. • What you missed that was needed.
It will be essential to allow yourself to grieve your losses.
We want to GRIEVE, not REGRET. The enemy would try to counterfeit what the Lord wants for you in sorrow and grief with your family. Grief will draw you closer to the Lord and move you down the path of healing; regret will bury you further in your own ruin. Regret is full of contempt, and evil’s voice is loud there. Regret says “Oh I wish I could do that over” (do-over fantasies are about regret), “I was such an idiot there, so pathetic” or worse, usually worse. Regret is stuck in the past, and you cannot change the past. When you entertain regret, you are in a Godless place.
Our tendency in regret is to remember the hurt, our own or hurt we’ve caused oth- ers; the regret leaves the hurt unfinished and on going. Grief is a place where you enter that unfinished hurt, trusting that God will carry you through to the other side. Grief is curious about acknowledging the truth that something happened, Teaching Leader: recognizing how much it hurt, and inviting appropriate sorrow and feeling into Share what grieving what is now the truest reality for that scene. When you start to grieve, you stop vs. regretting has blaming yourself or others and you begin to open yourself up to experiencing God looked like for you. in the midst of your pain and shame. When you open yourself up to God’s love through the scriptures and members of the body of Christ, healing can begin to occur. What are the scenes of regret you play Examples: over in your mind? Regret says: I wish I hadn’t grown up with an angry violent mother. Maybe then What needs to be I would have wanted to have children and I wouldn’t be stuck alone today. grieved? Grief says: I need you God. I am at such a loss as I realize what my choices have
30 cost me. I need your presence desperately. I feel so alone. Regret says: If only I hadn’t gone with the neighbor when he was nice to me and offered me candy, then I would never have been abused. Grief says: I am heartbroken as I remember how lonely I was and how much it meant to me to be offered nice words and treats. It was like offering a drink to someone dying of thirst. I really was that empty and that is so sad.
Our Need for Community that Mirrors Truth
As we conclude this lesson, we want to summarize by saying that engaging the culture of your family is not about blaming your parents. Ultimately, this is about your relationship with God. The culture of your family has left you distanced from God in ways unique to your story. We hope you are beginning to explore these places of isolation. We want to walk towards the truth together with our heads up, arm in arm, in prayer to find God and healing in our family stories. Will you begin to embrace the truth, speak it, and break evil’s power that has held you in shame for so long? This process will soften your heart to places where you can start to look at the glory of God’s intent without the taint of sin, abuse, and the un- spoken ugly truth. With the truth out on the table, beauty can shine and begin to become real in your story. The culture of God-intended community and relation- ships, steeped in honest love, can begin to shape your responses to life.
This process lets the love of God and His rescue, redemption, and restoration of our hearts become the truest thing about our lives.
31 Personal Illustration
One Woman’s Story
My response to the early culture of my childhood family was that I became excellent at hiding. I hid every- thing about myself—my feelings, my body, what was happening in my home. I hid it all by trying to be perfect. I attempted perfection in school, kept clean when I went out to play, and didn’t or couldn’t question why things were happening. My mother said years later that I was a perfect little girl. She could send me out to play and I wouldn’t even get dirty. Of course I wouldn’t! The silence about the “dirty” things in my house was deafening. Dirty was a word I was told referred to sex; I certainly didn’t want to have anything to do with being dirty! However, in that home sexual talk and behavior as well as nudity were commonplace. It was not unusual for my grandfather to stand at the kitchen sink while we were at the table and strip naked to bathe himself. No one objected, so of course I didn’t mention how disgusting it was for my 5-year-old eyes. When I was left in my grandfather’s care while my mother and grandmother worked, he molested me, and I didn’t mention that either. No one was curious about what was happening to me. Consequently, I just washed my hands more and made sure I wasn’t “dirty”, even though I knew on the inside I really was. I carried the shame of my home environment well into my adult life and acted that out by being confused with what was right or wrong. But since I was already “dirty”, what did it matter? It took learning that I was washed clean by the blood of my Savior to be able to hold my head up and really feel clean.
One Man’s Story
In thinking about the culture of my family, two of the major words to describe it would be violent and devi- ant. The violence didn’t only show up in loud voices or physical attacks, although there were some. It was mostly quiet, very personal, and always very deadly. It didn’t depend on specific circumstances, but was almost always just below the surface. This violence taught me to be quiet, to not respond, to not leave myself vulnerable in any way. It also taught me that anger was dangerous, including mine, so I had to always have complete control, lest my anger, or my parents’, get out and people get hurt. The deviant part of my family’s culture came from the books, toys, and clothes that were “Dad’s secret.” These taught me shame and great confusion about what boys were and what their role in life was supposed to be. I didn’t know how to act around either boys or girls and was, as a result, not accepted by either. Control could not fix this lack of ac- ceptance, and so in response I would lose control. I couldn’t figure out who or what I should be, and so my response was to become ‘no one’. I told myself that as ‘no one’, I couldn’t be disappointed or hurt, and, in turn, couldn’t hurt or disappoint.
32 Journey Group Exercise: Understanding the Culture of My Family
1. What have you become aware of that you needed as a result of this lesson?
2. What type of child were you? Use several adjectives to describe yourself. Add those to your Body Outline if you haven’t already.
3. Where did your parents weigh into your life for good and for bad?
33 Journal Page
What hope do you have for the journey ahead? Write out your thoughts below...
34 “We cannot escape culture, there is no need for that. We move in small steps to embrace and refine our culture to reflect a smile for the Lord’s intention in our creation. Clothed in strength and dignity, we can afford to laugh at tomorrow.”
-Russell Englehardt-
35 36 Session Two: Additional Material
What do Children Need? ...... 38
Type A Traumas ...... 38
Type B Traumas ...... 39
What About Honoring My Father and Mother ...... 40
37 What Do Children Really Need?1
1. Children need to feel pride in their biological origins (how you feel about your parent’s behavior and character).
2. Children need to have a sense of predictability/sameness/ritual in their lives (discipline, etc.)
3. Children need to live in an environment that understands and respects their developmental needs.
4. Children need to not be made to feel guilt or anxiety.
5. Children need to have role models who teach good problem solving, respect for themselves and others and a purpose in life.
6. Children need to feel that their opinions are valued, and that they have adults they can trust and lean on for answers and guidance.
7. Children need to have caregivers who can accept, without shame or denial, a child’s particular problems or concerns.
8. Children need an advocate to help them negotiate the outside world.
9. Children need to feel that their caregiver’s relationship with them is the most important.
10. Children need to be “childish.”
11. Children need positive touch from their caregiver, not negative or abusive touch.
12. Children need emotional affirmation and healthy emotional connection with their caregiver.
Let’s review two types of trauma, which produce harm. Which have you experi- enced? Which of your core longings were violated in the process?
Type A Traumas 2
Type A trauma is harmful by its absence, which causes damage to our emotions. To some degree, one or more of them will typically be found in each stage of our lives, and we can all find at least one Type A trauma wound that needs attention. Here are a few examples of Type A traumas:
38 • Not being cherished and celebrated by one’s parents simply by virtue of one’s existence.
• Not having the experience of being a delight.
• Not having a parent take the time to understand who you are – encour- aging you to share who you are, what you think and what you feel.
• Not receiving large amounts of non-sexual physical nurturing – laps to sit on, arms to hold and a willingness to let you go when you have had enough.
• Not receiving age-appropriate limits and having those limits enforced in ways that affirm your value.
• Not being given adequate food, clothing, shelter, or medical and dental care.
• Not being taught how to do hard things – to problem solve and to develop persistence.
• Not being given opportunities to develop personal resources and talents.
Type B Traumas
Type B trauma is harmful by its presence. Having been on the receiving end of the following experiences can create a Type B trauma. There is a range of sever- ity in Type B traumas. It is important to remember that to discount a “lesser” trauma is to avoid the truth about how much it hurt, and thereby miss the chance for healing. Avoiding or ignoring wounds does not make them go away. Here are some examples of Type B traumas:
• Physical abuse, including face slapping, hair pulling, shaking, punching and tickling a child into hysteria.
• Any spanking that becomes violent, leaving marks or bruises or emotional scars.
• Sexual abuse including inappropriate touching, sexual kissing or hugging, intercourse, oral or anal sex, voyeurism, exhibitionism or the sharing of the parent’s sexual experiences with a child.
• Verbal abuse or name-calling.
• Abandonment by a parent.
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• Torture or satanic ritual abuse.
• Witnessing someone else being abused, harmed or hurt.
What About Honoring My Father and Mother?3
God is not hesitant to confront sin or the misuse of authority. He loves us far too much to let us persist in what will harm us or others without warning us. He does not avoid conflict or disagreement. He speaks truth in love. By doing so, God honors us.
Frequently the concept of honoring someone is confused with blaming. We think that to honor our parents means we must not speak of their faults. But speak- ing truthfully about our parents’ failures is different from blaming them. Blame focuses on revenge.
When it is our parents who misused us, we are torn by ambivalence. We love them for the ways they were good parents. But we want someone punished for what happened. We love and we hate. We want to expose the truth and we want to protect. Our hearts are in conflict.
Consider this quote from The Intimate Mystery by Dan Allender,4
“Honoring our father and mother is not a command to avoid honesty, conflict or disagreement. Many take it as a demand to make sure a parent is never unhappy. But God didn’t put that kind of pressure or responsibility on children. To honor is to acknowledge with gratitude the gift of life we have been given through our parents. It is to name with joy who we have become due to their failures and glory.
Ultimately, honoring is a tangible way of thanking God for the provision he has offered us through our parents. We are to honor parents who were phenomenal and those who were evil. In either case, we can name what is true, bless them for what we’ve learned and become and invite what is true. Invite them to grow to become even more of who they were meant to be. But the growth of our parents is not our first calling.”
Honoring your parents does not mean protecting them. It means respecting them enough to hold them accountable for what they have done while also offering grace. This frees us up to tell the truth. If we choose to lie or minimize what hap- pened, we dishonor and disrespect ourselves and those who mistreated us.
When a child grows up and leaves a dysfunctional home, he or she will need to rethink what happened. The following sentences may be true but hard to admit.
40 Can you relate to any of these?
r My parents have disappointed, harmed, abused, or sinned against me.
r As adults, my parents had the resources to change, just as I do. It is not helpful to excuse their sin. It is good to acknowledge it and what it has cost me.
r As a child I did not have the capacity to understand this and I took the blame. I believed there was something wrong with me and/or my behavior. I had good longings and a genuine need to be lovingly nurtured and protected.
r When I believe the lie that was ingrained by the harm done, I choose to live according to a false version of reality rather than God’s truth. I need to see things according to the truth.
r I can’t change my parents and my recovery does not depend on their change. Rather, it depends on my relationship to the only parent who will never fail me: the Lord.
r As an adult, if I choose to confront, I need to remember that the purpose is to stop further harm and abuse and to invite those responsible to repentance and a restored relationship with God and others.
41 42