For Preview Only a FAMILY REUNION to DIE for a Murder Mystery Comedy with Audience Interaction by MIKE STEELE and MATT STEELE

By Mike Steele and Matt Steele

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

For preview only A FAMILY REUNION TO DIE FOR A Murder Mystery Comedy with Audience Interaction By MIKE STEELE and MATT STEELE

DEDICATION For our mother, who has never stopped supporting our dreams.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Appearance) # of lines GRETCHEN WILCOX ...... Christine’s elderly aunt and 84 owner of Wilcox’s Western Bed and Breakfast; sweet to the guests but nasty to the staff CONNIE CARLSON ...... new maid at Wilcox’s Western 76 Bed and Breakfast; not too smart BEATRICE GOOGLEHEIMER ...... cranky cook at the same B&B 78 CHRISTINE FRANKLIN ...... Freddie’s pushy new wife; 182 Gretchen’s niece FREDDIE FRANKLIN ...... wannabe detective; married 174 to Christine COSTUMED GUEST ...... comic book enthusiast who 54 dresses as his favorite characters LOLA MATTHEWS ...... knitting champion originally from 56 New York City; beautiful former showgirl CARLA JO MICHAELS ...... Texan who loves to hunt 65 squirrels; Rhonda Mae’s sister RHONDA MAE MICHAELS ...... Carla Jo’s sister; also loves to 42 hunt squirrels; NEIL CAMP ...... manager of a troupe of mimes 62 MOLLY ...... hungry mime 16 MINNIE ...... another N/A JOEL MARCH...... nasty hotel critic 74 STEFAN LIVINGSTON ...... regional theater stage actor 42 with a large ego; married to Suzanne and cousin to Christine SUZANNE LIVINGSTON ...... Stefan’s wife; a regional theater 73 stage actress with a large ego

ii For preview only

RACHEL SHANKLIN ...... eccentric anthropologist; 49 married to Robert and cousin to Christine ROBERT SHANKLIN ...... Rachel’s husband; also an 40 eccentric anthropologist OPTIONAL EXTRAS ...... as mimes

SETTING Place: Wilcox’s Western Bed and Breakfast, a resort in the Virgin Islands. Time: The present.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE Scene One: A cloudy afternoon. Scene Two: That evening.

ACT TWO Scene One: An hour later. Scene Two: That night.

SET DESCRIPTION The action takes place in the living room area of a ranch-style bed and breakfast. There is a front door DOWN RIGHT, an entrance into the kitchen DOWN LEFT and two entrances on the UPSTAGE wall, one UP RIGHT and one UP LEFT, leading to the same hallway. All of the guest rooms, a dining room and any other rooms found at the bed and breakfast can be accessed through this hallway. Next to the front door is a window. A large painting hangs above an unlit fi replace UP CENTER between the UPSTAGE entrances. The fi replace and picture conceal a secret passageway—see PRODUCTION NOTES. A bookshelf with books is just to the left of the fi replace. A loveseat, armchair, end table with a lamp and coffee table are arranged slightly LEFT of CENTER, creating the main seating area. Another chair is against the wall CENTER LEFT. There is a check-in desk along the wall CENTER RIGHT. On the desk are a guest registry book, notebook, pen and vase with fl owers. Behind the check-in desk is a locking cabinet tall enough to hold a rifl e. The key for this cabinet hangs on a full key ring on a hook on the wall behind the desk. The décor for the set is Western- themed. Feel free to dress it up further as desired. See pages 62 and 63 for set design and secret passage design.

iii For preview only

A FAMILY REUNION TO DIE FOR

ACT ONE

Scene One 1 AT RISE: GRETCHEN and CONNIE ENTER UP LEFT, having a discussion. GRETCHEN: I have made myself perfectly clear, Miss Carlson. I do not tolerate laziness on the job. You must have all of the beds made neatly by noon, the rooms cleaned thoroughly by four o’clock and 5 the dining table set impeccably by 5:30 so that supper may be served precisely at six. Do I need to explain this yet again? CONNIE: No, ma’am. I think I ﬁ nally understand. GRETCHEN: Finally! Here at Wilcox’s Western Bed and Breakfast we keep our guests well-accommodated, and that means sticking to 10 our schedule. I hope you are prepared for the demands of keeping this establishment in pristine condition. CONNIE: Yes, ma’am. I’ll be trying my hardest to keep up, ma’am. (BEATRICE ENTERS DOWN LEFT carrying a tray with a pitcher of iced tea and several drinking glasses. She places it on table CENTER 15 LEFT.) GRETCHEN: I hope you will. Now, do you remember how to greet the guests? CONNIE: I think so. (As if reciting something she has memorized.) Welcome to Wilcox’s Western Bed and Breakfast, the best place 20 for a little taste of the wild, wild West in the tropics. GRETCHEN: Not bad. I’ll be keeping my eye on you. Any indication of incompetence and you’ll be looking for employment elsewhere. CONNIE: Oh, dear! Yes, ma’am. (GRETCHEN EXITS UP RIGHT.)

BEATRICE: I’d be on my toes if I were you. I’ve seen more young girls

25 pass through this place than you can imagine. The old bat goes

through two or three maids a season.

CONNIE: Goes through? BEATRICE: You know… (Indicates chopping the neck as if she were being beheaded.) 30 CONNIE: She murders them? Oh, dear! What have I gotten myself into, Beatrice? BEATRICE: No! She gives them the ax! CONNIE: Huh? BEATRICE: Ugh! Not literally the ax. She just— (Tries to think of a 35 simple explanation.) —sends them away. CONNIE: To where?

For preview only

1 BEATRICE: The unemployment line. CONNIE: Oh, dear! She ﬁ res them? BEATRICE: Either that or they quit. They can’t handle the pressure. CONNIE: Oh, dear! (As if quoting what someone has told her.) Well,

5 it’s a good thing I have a charming presence and a sweet face. At least that’s what my trainer down at Maids-R-Us said about me when I graduated from their training program. Yes, she said I have what it takes to succeed in any bed and breakfast. “Good service,” she said, “requires nothing more than a charming presence, a 10 sweet face and a plate piled high with pancakes.” Pancakes for the guests, that is. BEATRICE: Ha! Well, she never stayed at this place. With all the running around we do, you’ll need bandages for the blisters on your feet to go along with those pancakes. And to think I once had

15 a charming presence and a sweet face, too. CONNIE: Oh, dear! What happened? BEATRICE: The old lady used some of her own “charm” to make this face turn sour. CHRISTINE: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with FREDDIE. She carries a 20 small purse while FREDDIE struggles with three large suitcases. To FREDDIE.) Whew, that was quite a walk from the dock.

FREDDIE: We must be nearly a mile inland. And the sky is getting awfully dark. I thought for sure it would start pouring rain before we made it. 25 BEATRICE: (To CHRISTINE and FREDDIE, as if she has said it a hundred times.) Welcome to Wilcox’s Western Bed and Breakfast, the best place for a little taste of the wild, wild West in the tropics.

CHRISTINE: Hello, we’re here to check in. Christine and Freddie

Franklin.

30 BEATRICE: Oh, Christine! It’s so wonderful to have you back! Do you remember me? CHRISTINE: Um… BEATRICE: Eh, no worries. (To CONNIE.) See? The sweet face is gone. (To CHRISTINE.) I’m Beatrice Googleheimer, the cook. 35 CHRISTINE: Oh, Beatrice, I didn’t even recognize you. How are you? BEATRICE: Fine, thank you. Your aunt said you’d be staying here this week. CHRISTINE: Yes, for the Knotting Family Reunion. Oh, and Freddie and I are on our honeymoon. FREDDIE: We were married just yesterday.

2 For preview only

1 BEATRICE: Is that so? Well, congratulations! (To CONNIE.) Connie, could you fi nd Mrs. Wilcox and let her know that her niece Christine has arrived? CONNIE: (Eager, to CHRISTINE.) I’ll fi nd your aunt right away. (EXITS UP 5 RIGHT.) BEATRICE: Poor thing is gonna get eaten alive. Well, I have to get back to the kitchen and fi nish preparing the afternoon chuck. (FREDDIE looks confused.) That’s a snack—in Western terms. Christine’s aunt makes us talk like cow people to the guests. (Mutters as she 10 EXITS DOWN LEFT.) Stupid… FREDDIE: This place looks great. I couldn’t imagine a Western-themed bed and breakfast in the Virgin Islands until I saw it with my own eyes.

CHRISTINE: Isn’t it fun? I haven’t been here since I was a little girl. It

15 will be so nice to see Aunt Gretchen again.

FREDDIE: A family reunion isn’t exactly the most romantic way to spend a honeymoon, but free is free. CHRISTINE: Oh, this isn’t much of a family reunion. It’s just Aunt Gretchen that lives here. Somehow she manages this place all by 20 herself. The only other family members who will be here are my cousins Rachel and Stefan. They’re all that’s left of the Knotting family, really. At least the parts we keep in touch with. GRETCHEN: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Howdy, partners! CHRISTINE: Aunt Gretchen! 25 GRETCHEN: Little Christine! My, how you’ve grown! Why, you’re a woman now! CHRISTINE: Oh, Aunt Gretchen, you look great. GRETCHEN: Thank you, dear. And this handsome young cowboy must be…

30 CHRISTINE: Freddie, yes.

FREDDIE: It’s a pleasure meeting you, Aunt Gretchen. Christine has told me so much about you. GRETCHEN: All ﬂ attering, I hope. CHRISTINE: Of course. 35 GRETCHEN: So, Freddie, what business are you in?

FREDDIE: Well, I want to be a detective.

GRETCHEN: Is that so? FREDDIE: Yes. Right now I’m captain of the evening security shift at a shopping mall. I haven’t been accepted into the police academy yet, but—

3 For preview only

1 CHRISTINE: But he plans to apply soon. Freddie will be a big detective someday. GRETCHEN: Well, I wish you luck. And how was the wedding? CHRISTINE: Lovely. It was exactly what I wanted—just a small 5 ceremony with Freddie, me and a ﬂ ock of white doves. FREDDIE: I’m lucky she even let me invite the minister. Christine wanted a small, simple wedding. CHRISTINE: (Like a mother talking to a baby.) And, of course, little Freddie looked adorable in his little tuxedo. It made me just want 10 to pinch his little cheeks. GRETCHEN: Uh… how sweet. CHRISTINE: I’m just glad we could make it out here for our honeymoon. It’s so generous of you to let us stay here. FREDDIE: We really do appreciate it. 15 GRETCHEN: Nonsense. This is what family is for. It’s a honeymoon and a family reunion all rolled into one for you. And speaking of

family, your cousin Rachel and her husband, Robert, checked in a

few hours ago.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I haven’t seen Rachel in years. Are those of us here 20 for the reunion the only guests this week?

GRETCHEN: Oh, no. This is our busy season. Wilcox’s Western Bed

and Breakfast is almost fully booked for the next several months.

CHRISTINE: This place looks beautiful. I haven’t been here in so long.

And little Freddie can’t wait for his pancakes.

25 GRETCHEN: Yes, well, when your uncle died, I decided to renovate the main rooms and always have a housekeeper on staff to help me keep things tidy. I believe you met the new maid, Connie Carlson. FREDDIE: Yes! She has quite a charming presence. CHRISTINE: And such a sweet face.

30 GRETCHEN: Well, this is her ﬁ rst day on the job—only been here a few

hours. I’m not quite sure how much longer she’s going to last. And of course you remember Beatrice, the cook. CHRISTINE: We were just speaking. I didn’t even recognize her! GRETCHEN: Yes, I deserve the credit for that. (CONNIE ENTERS UP 35 RIGHT and begins to dust the bookshelf with a feather duster.) CHRISTINE: (Mysterious.) Is the secret still here? GRETCHEN: Of course. FREDDIE: Secret? CHRISTINE: This old place has a secret, but we’re not telling yet, are we, Aunt Gretchen? Not unless you’re a good boy, Freddie!

4 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 (BEATRICE ENTERS DOWN LEFT with a tray of saddle biscuits, plates and napkins and places them on table CENTER LEFT.) GRETCHEN: Yes, dear, we’ll have to wait and see if he can ﬁ nd it on his own. That will be a fun little game now, won’t it? 5 CHRISTINE: (To FREDDIE.) If there’s one thing you’ll learn about Aunt Gretchen, it’s that she loves to play games. GRETCHEN: We play a variety of games in the evenings here. The guests simply adore it. And tomorrow we have our weekly movie night. Oh, enough chitchat. The two of you must be exhausted from 10 the trip. Let me show you lovebirds to your room, the Hoedown Honeymoon Suite. (FREDDIE picks up the suitcases and EXITS UP LEFT after GRETCHEN and CHRISTINE.) CONNIE: (To BEATRICE.) Who was that? That sweet old lady can’t be the same nasty woman who hired me. 15 BEATRICE: Oh, that’s her, all right. I’ve been working here for almost two decades, and Mrs. Wilcox always treats the guests like cream and the staff like mud pies. It’s like working for two different

women.

CONNIE: Oh, dear! 20 BEATRICE: You’ll get used to it. (COSTUMED GUEST, a comic book enthusiast, ENTERS DOWN RIGHT. He is dressed as the Night Crusader and carries a suitcase.)

CONNIE: What on earth is that? BEATRICE: It’s not Halloween, so either he’s here to ﬁ nally save us 25 from the evil Wilcox, or someone has escaped from the loony bin.

CONNIE: (To COSTUMED GUEST.) Welcome to Wilcox’s Western Bed

and Breakfast, the best place for a little taste of the wild, wild

West in the tropics. Can I help you, sir?

COSTUMED GUEST: I have a reservation.

30 CONNIE: Name? COSTUMED GUEST: The Night Crusader. CONNIE: (Looks in the registry book at the check-in desk.) Oh, dear! There’s no one listed under that name. BEATRICE: You better ﬁ nd Mrs. Wilcox. I have to get back to the 35 kitchen. (Mutters.) Stupid… (EXITS DOWN LEFT. CONNIE starts toward UP LEFT EXIT.) GRETCHEN: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Miss Carlson, what are you doing leaving a guest standing at the check-in desk? CONNIE: I was just about to look for you, ma’am. I can’t ﬁ nd this gentleman’s name in the registry book.

For preview only

1 GRETCHEN: You’re not getting off to a very good start. How difﬁ cult is it to ﬁ nd someone’s name and show him to his room? CONNIE: Sorry, ma’am. GRETCHEN: (To COSTUMED GUEST.) Well now, sir, what can I do for 5 you? COSTUMED GUEST: Reservation for the Night Crusader. GRETCHEN: Let me see here. (Looks in the registry book.) No, no, I don’t see a Mr. Crusader here. When did you make the reservation? COSTUMED GUEST: About a month ago.

10 GRETCHEN: The only reservations I’m waiting on are for a Mr. Camp

and a Mr. Steel. COSTUMED GUEST: That’s me. Steel. A month ago I was going by the name Steel. Warrior of Steel. GRETCHEN: I see. Well, how nice. You have multiple personalities.

15 They always say two is better than one. Miss Carlson, can you show Mr.—uh—Night Crusader to his room? The Wyoming Room. CONNIE: Yes, ma’am. (EXITS UP RIGHT with COSTUMED GUEST, who carries his suitcase.) LOLA: (ENTERS UP LEFT with CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE, who carries 20 a riﬂ e. LOLA is scantily clothed and has a long piece of knitting hanging off of two knitting needles. Speaks in a New York accent.) There’s no way I’m going to suffer through the agony of rooming next to the two of you. We’ll just see what Mrs. Wilcox has to say about this. 25 CARLA JO: (With a Texas accent.) Go ahead and state your complaints. LOLA: Mrs. Wilcox, I need to converse with you right away. GRETCHEN: Well, ladies, what is it? LOLA: I cannot room next to these two barbarians. I refuse to be neighbor to any person who hunts animals. 30 RHONDA MAE: Would you prefer we hunt humans? (Aims the riﬂ e at LOLA.) I can sure think of a Yankee I’d like to see hangin’ above my mantle. LOLA: You disgust me. You just disgust me. (To CARLA JO.) And you disgust me, too. 35 GRETCHEN: Now, Ms. Matthews, we go through this every year. You know I can’t stop the guests from hunting. RHONDA MAE: (With a Texas accent.) Yeah, we got as much right to hunt as you got to twirl those little needles back and forth.

Huntin’s why we came here. We got a tip that the best squirrels

40 in any territory of the good ol’ U. S. of A. are found on this here island, didn’t we, Carla Jo?

6 For preview only

1 CARLA JO: That’s right, Rhonda Mae. There’s nothin’ like huntin’ squirrels. GRETCHEN: Well, yes, of course! This island is home to many of nature’s most useful resources that—squirrels, you say? Here? 5 On an island? RHONDA MAE: Pretty darn shockin’ that the squirrel populations haven’t been controlled yet, ain’t it? GRETCHEN: But, this is a tropical island! You’ll never ﬁ nd any— CARLA JO: I know you must be worried about all of them breedin’ and 10 multiplyin’. But don’t get too upset, ma’am! We’ll take care of this problem in no time. RHONDA MAE: And get some good squirrel meat in the meantime. We’d be killin’ two birds with one stone. Or two squirrels, for that matter. As long as there’s some killin’ involved, I’ll be happy. 15 (Laughs with CARLA JO.) LOLA: Oh! Mrs. Wilcox, I come here every year to clear my mind, relax and knit. If I have to subject myself to these barbarians, I might

just go a little crazy and… and…

CARLA JO: And what?

20 LOLA: I don’t know, but I can assure you, it won’t be good for you or your sister.

GRETCHEN: Ms. Matthews, why don’t you sit down and have a nice

cup of tea while you knit. It’s iced.

CARLA JO: Maybe it will help cool your hot Yankee temper.

25 GRETCHEN: And ladies, why don’t you let me store your rifl e in our locking cabinet? Ms. Matthews might be able to knit more easily knowing the fi rearm is locked up. (Gets the key ring off the hook, fi nds the right key and opens the cabinet.) RHONDA MAE: (Hands GRETCHEN the rifl e.) All right, we wouldn’t 30 want to do anything to get Ms. Matthews upset now, would we? (GRETCHEN puts the rifl e in the cabinet, locks it and hangs the key ring back up on the hook.) CARLA JO: There’s nothin’ worse than a Yankee blowin’ her top. RHONDA MAE: And who knows? Maybe if we give her the chance, she 35 could knit herself some clothes that fi t. LOLA: Well! Pardon me for living, but I do believe I have the right to dress as I please. There is nothing wrong with showing a little skin in an effort to attract the opposite sex. I am a former Las Vegas showgirl, after all.

40 GRETCHEN: Ms. Matthews retired from dancing to become a professional knitter. She is now our nation’s current knitting champion. 7 For preview only

1 LOLA: I can knit one, pearl two faster than anyone in the country. GRETCHEN: And she’s also president of the animal rights organization, Mammals, Amphibians and Reptiles, Oh My. With all of those interests, I’m sure the three of you can ﬁ nd something to talk 5 about over a glass of iced tea. CARLA JO: (Looks LOLA over.) I doubt it, Mrs. Wilcox. GRETCHEN: Well, give it a try. When you’re ready to go hunting, just ask me and I’ll fetch your riﬂ e from the cabinet. (CARLA JO, RHONDA MAE and LOLA move to the CENTER LEFT table to get iced 10 tea and sit in the main seating area.) FREDDIE: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Aunt Gretchen, Christine wants to know if you have any extra towels. GRETCHEN: Certainly. Let me get Miss Carlson to bring you some. (EXITS UP RIGHT.) 15 LOLA: (To FREDDIE.) Say, who is this cutie? (CHRISTINE ENTERS UP LEFT and moves to FREDDIE.) FREDDIE: My name’s Freddie. Freddie Franklin. And you are? LOLA: Lola. Lola Matthews. National knitting champion. Former Las Vegas showgirl. Originally from New York City. Pleased to make 20 your acquaintance. CHRISTINE: (Cold.) And I’m Christine. His wife. LOLA: (Just as cold.) Oh, pleased to make your acquaintance as well.

FREDDIE: (To LOLA.) Say, you’re a knitting champion? (To CHRISTINE.)

Honey, she’s practically a celebrity. (Pulls a pen and notepad from

his pocket. To LOLA.) Can I get your autograph? (LOLA takes the pen 25 and pad and signs.)

CHRISTINE: Yes, well it was nice meeting you. Freddie and I need to

return to our room now. Don’t we, baby cakes?

FREDDIE: Yeah. (To LOLA.) Excuse us.

30 LOLA: (Drops the pen.) Oops. (Bends over seductively, picks up the pen

and hands the pen and pad to FREDDIE.) I dropped your pen, Mr.

Franklin.

FREDDIE: Thank you. Call me Freddie.

LOLA: If you insist, Freddie.

35 CHRISTINE: Freddie! I said now! What did I tell you about talking to strangers? (EXITS UP LEFT with FREDDIE.)

LOLA: What’s that broad’s problem?

CARLA JO: I wonder. RHONDA MAE: (To LOLA.) You sure have a way of making enemies, don’t you?

8 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 LOLA: I don’t have to stand here and listen to the two of you berate me. I’m going to my room to knit in peace and quiet. (EXITS UP LEFT.) CARLA JO: (Picks her teeth.) That’s one Yankee gal with no class. 5 GRETCHEN: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with CONNIE.) This is the last time I’m going to tell you to leave extra towels in the guests’ rooms, Miss Carlson. CONNIE: But, Mrs. Wilcox, this is the ﬁ rst time you’ve told me. GRETCHEN: Don’t get fresh with me unless you’re in the mood to 10 start looking for a new place to earn a paycheck.

CONNIE: Oh, dear!

CARLA JO: Mrs. Wilcox?

GRETCHEN: (Suddenly talks sweetly.) Oh, my, I didn’t realize you ladies were still out here. (To CONNIE.) Go along, Miss Carlson, and take

15 your time. (CONNIE EXITS UP LEFT. To CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE.) Now, how are the two of you enjoying the iced tea? CARLA JO: It’s delicious. Now about our riﬂ e— GRETCHEN: Oh, it’s as safe as can be. You wouldn’t want to go hunting now anyway. (Looks out the window.) It looks like that 20 tropical storm is about to hit. CARLA JO: Just call us when it’s time for supper, then. (EXITS UP LEFT with RHONDA MAE.) NEIL: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with MOLLY and MINNIE. Each carries a suitcase.) Checking in. 25 GRETCHEN: Yes, you must be Mr. Neil Camp. NEIL: That would be me. GRETCHEN: (Leads NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE to the check-in desk. On the way, MINNIE pantomimes walking into a closed door, and MOLLY pretends to open the door so they can walk through. MOLLY then 30 pantomimes closing the door, and they join NEIL and GRETCHEN at the check-in desk. To MOLLY and MINNIE.) And you are…? (MOLLY and MINNIE pantomime being in a box.) NEIL: They’re a small mime troupe I manage. We’re just passing through the area on the way to our next gig. (Points to MINNIE.) 35 This is Minnie. (Points to MOLLY.) And that’s Molly. Molly here is the

one who suggested a short stay at this place.

GRETCHEN: Oh, good. I’m sure mimes will keep the mood here calm

and quiet. Now, are you sure you want three guest rooms? We have

a family room with three separate beds that would be spacious

enough for the three of you.

For preview only

1 NEIL: We each need our own room, lady. I drive these kids from show to show, wash their costumes and take 15 percent of their salaries. I don’t room with them. GRETCHEN: I see. 5 NEIL: I think I would go crazy if I had to be cooped up in a room with mimes. (MOLLY and MINNIE pantomime craziness.) Ha ha! Yes! Just like that. I sure know how to ﬁ nd talent, no? (CONNIE ENTERS UP LEFT.) GRETCHEN: Yes. Your rooms are ready and waiting for you. Miss 10 Carlson will show you. NEIL: Come on, kids. (He, CONNIE, MOLLY and MINNIE EXIT UP RIGHT carrying their suitcases. JOEL ENTERS UP LEFT.) GRETCHEN: Why, Mr. March, I’m glad you’ve come out of your room. Beatrice just put out the afternoon chuck. I hope you like saddle 15 biscuits. JOEL: (Pulls a brochure out of his pocket.) Ah, precisely at three o’clock, just like your brochure says. GRETCHEN: Yes, we pride ourselves on being on time! I hope you will mention the promptness of the service at Wilcox’s Western Bed 20 and Breakfast in your hotel review. JOEL: (Bites into a biscuit.) But the brochure indicates that the snack is edible. Talk about an overcooked biscuit! I nearly broke a tooth

on this thing.

GRETCHEN: Oh, what a shame. 25 JOEL: I won’t make mention of it in my review, though. GRETCHEN: Oh, good. JOEL: I won’t have any room to write about the snacks after discussing the small room, the lumpy bed and the view from my window of the large trash bin. 30 GRETCHEN: Oh, my. Well, I’ll send Miss Carlson in to see if she can spruce things up a little for you. STEFAN: (ENTERS UP LEFT with SUZANNE.) Ah, the afternoon chuck is out. SUZANNE: I am starving, darling. (She and STEFAN each take a 35 biscuit.) GRETCHEN: (To STEFAN and SUZANNE.) Hello, dears. Did you rest well? SUZANNE: Yes, the chance to lie down was just what I needed after that long ﬂ ight. 40 STEFAN: These biscuits are delicious, Aunt Gretchen. SUZANNE: Simply heavenly.

10 For preview only

1 GRETCHEN: Why, thank you. I’ll be sure to let Beatrice know you enjoyed them. Christine arrived just a few minutes ago. STEFAN: Ah, I am anxious to see her. I hear she was just married. GRETCHEN: Yes, her husband is a cute fellow. Let me see if I can ﬁ nd 5 her. (To JOEL.) I’ll be right back, Mr. March. (EXITS UP LEFT.) STEFAN: (To JOEL.) How do you do? JOEL: You look familiar. STEFAN: Well, perhaps you’ve seen us perform.

SUZANNE: We are stars of the stage.

10 STEFAN: We’ve appeared in over 45 regional theatrical productions. SUZANNE: And always together. STEFAN: Not to mention we are husband and wife. SUZANNE: We are co-stars on the stage and in life. Aren’t we, darling? JOEL: Yes, I remember you. Stefan and Suzanne Livingston. I saw you 15 together in “The Elms of Passion.” SUZANNE: One of my ﬁ nest roles. STEFAN: And mine, as well. JOEL: I should hope not. (To SUZANNE.) I believe I referred to your performance as trite and overstated. (To STEFAN.) And your 20 performance as self-indulgent. SUZANNE: Wait. Did Aunt Gretchen call you Mr. March? As in Joel March? JOEL: Yes. STEFAN: The nastiest theater critic on the West Coast? 25 JOEL: Correction. The former nastiest theater critic on the West Coast. I’m currently the nastiest hotel critic on the East Coast. SUZANNE: I remember hearing that you no longer write for “Theatre Monthly.” JOEL: I now write for “Hotel Weekly.” 30 STEFAN: What happened? Readers couldn’t handle your bitterness? Or was it your jealousy? JOEL: I take pride in the bitterness. But jealousy? Over what? STEFAN: I can only assume that anyone who writes with such contempt for actors is jealous of their artistic talents. 35 JOEL: Trust me, my little friend, I consider myself lucky never to have been mixed up with you and your crowd of over-complicated, under- educated bohemians. Where did you even learn the nonsense that you refer to as art? STEFAN: We both attended Juilliard for a time.

11 For preview only

1 JOEL: Oh! Julliard? SUZANNE: That’s right. JOEL: Never heard of it. STEFAN: I’m not going to just stand here and put up with this— 5 SUZANNE: Remember, darling, save this emotion for the stage. Practice your breathing exercises. (STEFAN breathes heavily, making obnoxious noises. JOEL sits CENTER LEFT.) CHRISTINE: (ENTERS UP LEFT with FREDDIE.) Stefan! STEFAN: Christine, you look wonderful! 10 CHRISTINE: Thank you. I’d like you to meet my husband, Freddie Franklin. STEFAN: (Shakes FREDDIE’S hand.) A pleasure. FREDDIE: It’s so nice to meet you. STEFAN: This is my wife, Suzanne. 15 SUZANNE: It’s wonderful to make your acquaintance, darling. CHRISTINE: I’ve been showing Freddie around the bed and breakfast. STEFAN: (Mysterious.) Have you told him about the secret yet? FREDDIE: What is this secret everyone keeps talking about?

CHRISTINE: I’ll give you a little hinty-hint, sweetie. It’s found right here

20 in this room.

FREDDIE: This room?

CHRISTINE: Do you notice anything that looks out of the ordinary?

FREDDIE: Not really, but I’m not the most perceptive person.

CHRISTINE: I know, sugar face, but you try. Don’t forget, you were 25 perceptive enough to notice you wanted to marry me. (They kiss.)

RACHEL: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with ROBERT. Both are dressed in tribal attire as if they have just been living in a remote village. RACHEL has a “pigskin” apron around her waist.) Is that little cousin Christine

attached to that man’s lips?

30 CHRISTINE: Rachel, look at you! It’s been years. (They hug.) RACHEL: Hello, Stefan, Suzanne. STEFAN: Looks like the family reunion has ofﬁ cially begun. Suzanne and I will get all of us some tea. (He and SUZANNE move to the CENTER LEFT table and begin pouring iced tea.) 35 RACHEL: (To CHRISTINE.) I don’t believe you’ve ever had the chance to meet my husband, Dr. Robert Shanklin. CHRISTINE: Nice to meet you. And this is my husband, Freddie. RACHEL: (Studies FREDDIE’S face.) Wait, let me guess. Polish? No, no, with those eyes and cheekbones you must be Russian.

12 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 ROBERT: Yes, Russian would be my ﬁ rst guess, as well. FREDDIE: My family is Ukrainian, actually. RACHEL: Darn it! I was so close! But, they must be from eastern Ukraine. Am I correct? 5 FREDDIE: How did you know? CHRISTINE: Rachel and Robert are anthropologists specializing in human origins. They travel the world digging up human remains in remote villages. JOEL: How morbid. 10 ROBERT: (To JOEL.) Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there. FREDDIE: Would you care to join us? JOEL: No. (EXITS UP LEFT.) RACHEL: He doesn’t seem to be in the best mood. STEFAN: Don’t mind him. He’s just a bitter journalist. 15 FREDDIE: Now, Rachel, your mother was…? RACHEL: Ida. One of Gretchen’s sisters. STEFAN: And my mother was Agnes. Also one of Gretchen’s four sisters. FREDDIE: Four? 20 CHRISTINE: Yes, we don’t know what happened to the fourth sister. But Aunt Gretchen, Aunt Ida, Aunt Agnes and my mother were all inseparable when they were alive. (Indicates RACHEL and STEFAN.) The three of us practically grew up together. STEFAN: That’s why these family reunions are so much fun. We get to 25 reminisce. Ever since our mothers passed away, we haven’t seen much of one another. We all sort of went our own separate ways. LOLA: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Has anyone here seen my needle? ROBERT: Needle? I’ve heard of looking for a needle in a haystack, but at a bed and breakfast?

30 LOLA: Silly, it’s not a tiny sewing needle. It’s a big needle for knitting. I put it somewhere, and I can’t seem to fi nd it. (Notices FREDDIE.) Well, hello again, cutie. FREDDIE: Hi. CHRISTINE: (Cold, to LOLA.) Why don’t you try looking for the needle 35 in your room? I’m sure you’ll fi nd it there. LOLA: (Just as cold.) Thanks for the advice. (EXITS UP LEFT.) RACHEL: Well, Robert and I better get back to our room and fi nish unpacking. We’ll do some more catching up later. ROBERT: It was nice meeting you. STEFAN: We should get back to our room, as well.

For preview only

1 SUZANNE: We’ll see you at supper, darlings. (EXITS UP LEFT with STEFAN. RACHEL and ROBERT EXIT UP RIGHT.) CHRISTINE: (Angry.) Well? FREDDIE: Well, what? 5 CHRISTINE: What do you have to say for yourself? FREDDIE: About what? CHRISTINE: Your eyes look like they’re about to burst out of your head whenever Miss Knitting Needles is around. FREDDIE: Aw, you know I only have eyes for you, babe. 10 CHRISTINE: If I see you looking at her one more time, I’ll scream bloody murder. GRETCHEN’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE.) Ahhhhhhh! FREDDIE: I didn’t look at her. She’s not even here. CHRISTINE: No, that wasn’t me. It sounded like Aunt Gretchen. 15 SUZANNE: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Aunt Gretchen is on the ﬂ oor in the hallway. FREDDIE: What?! Bring her in here. (COSTUMED GUEST, RACHEL, ROBERT, NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE ENTER UP RIGHT. JOEL, LOLA, CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE ENTER UP LEFT. STEFAN drags 20 GRETCHEN IN, facedown, from UP LEFT and places her DOWN CENTER. She has a knife sticking out of her back. RHONDA MAE carries a note. ALL talk frantically about what is going on.) LOLA: I think there might be something wrong with Mrs. Wilcox. CARLA JO: That knife stickin’ out of her back might be the problem. 25 RHONDA MAE: Is she unconscious? ROBERT: (Checks GRETCHEN’S pulse.) No, she’s not unconscious. She’s dead. (BEATRICE and CONNIE ENTER DOWN LEFT.) BEATRICE: What’s all the racket? CONNIE: We heard a scream. 30 NEIL: The old lady’s dead. BEATRICE: Dead? (MOLLY and MINNIE pantomime being dead.) CONNIE: Oh, dear! COSTUMED GUEST: No! No! (Cradles GRETCHEN’S body and speaks as if he is performing a dramatic monologue from a comic book.) If 35 only I had been there in time. If only I were quicker, more efﬁ cient. Why must this innocent blood be spilled? Whoever did this, whoever is responsible for this gruesome world we live in will pay! CARLA JO: Is he serious? BEATRICE: That knife came from the kitchen. Someone must have taken it when I wasn’t there. Mrs. Wilcox was murdered with her own knife.

14 For preview only

1 CONNIE: Oh, dear! RHONDA MAE: (Holds up the note.) This note was on the ﬂ oor by Mrs. Wilcox’s body. CHRISTINE: Let me see. (RHONDA MAE hands the note to CHRISTINE, 5 who reads it aloud.) It’s written in this weird orange ink. “There was an old woman named Gretchen. The thought of her kept me up wretchin’. I took a sharp knife and ended her life. But me, you

will never be catchin’.”

RACHEL: It sounds like someone had it in for Aunt Gretchen. 10 ROBERT: That poem is kind of catchy, though. CHRISTINE: What are we going to do with Aunt Gretchen? We can’t just leave her in the middle of the living room ﬂ oor. JOEL: Don’t they normally put bodies on ice? BEATRICE: We have ice in the kitchen. 15 RHONDA MAE: Me and Carla Jo can carry her. CARLA JO: That’s one good thing about us Michaels sisters—we’re each as strong as an ox. (Carries GRETCHEN OFF DOWN LEFT with RHONDA MAE.) CHRISTINE: (Distraught.) How could someone stab poor Aunt 20 Gretchen? That’s murder. There’s been a murder at the family reunion! (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER and HEAVY RAIN. BLACKOUT.) End of Scene One ACT ONE

Scene Two

LIGHTS UP: That evening. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER and HEAVY

RAIN continue. CHRISTINE, JOEL, RACHEL, ROBERT and FREDDIE

are seated, discussing GRETCHEN’S murder. BEATRICE and CONNIE 25 ENTER DOWN LEFT. BEATRICE: I’m going to prepare a smorgasbord tonight—stuffed chicken, fried chicken, roasted chicken and chicken potpie. We decided to put Mrs. Wilcox in the freezer, and I had to take most of the food out to ﬁ t the body in there. 30 CHRISTINE: I can’t believe this has happened. JOEL: I’m afraid my review of this place keeps getting worse and worse. Who wants to stay at a bed and breakfast where a murderer is on the loose? That’s a sure-ﬁ re way to ruin a vacation. RACHEL: What are we going to do now? 35 CHRISTINE: We’re not the only people on this island. Is there any way we can reach someone else for help?

BEATRICE: The island has our bed and breakfast, a large inn and a

surf-and-turf restaurant. The authorities are on another island.

15 For preview only

1 RACHEL: One of us can walk to the inn, or maybe there are people at the restaurant. BEATRICE: They’re both nearly a mile away, closer to the coast, where this tropical storm is even worse. I don’t think it’s safe to go 5 outside in conditions like this. ROBERT: (Looks outside.) We’re stuck here until the storm blows over. CHRISTINE: You mean we’re trapped here with a murderer? BEATRICE: Trust me, you’d be worse off out there in that weather than in here with a murderer.

10 RACHEL: (Indicates the storm outside.) Ha! This? Just a drizzle. You should have seen the monsoons I came across during my expedition in Bangladesh. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER and RAIN. RACHEL EXITS DOWN RIGHT and RE-ENTERS a moment later completely drenched. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Well, maybe this 15 is a little worse. NEIL: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) I’ve tried every phone in this place, and I can’t get a dial tone. ROBERT: The phone lines must be down due to the storm. BEATRICE: And you know there’s no cellular service on the island. 20 RACHEL: What are we going to do? JOEL: (To RACHEL.) You look like some kind of witch doctor. Can’t you do a rain dance? RACHEL: I believe you are referring to the rain dances of the Cherokee tribes or other indigenous North Americans. Rain dances are 25 traditionally performed when rain is desired. It’s clearly already raining. We want it to stop. JOEL: And there’s no rain stopping dance? RACHEL: Not that I know of. CHRISTINE: Freddie, this is your chance.

30 FREDDIE: My chance? For what?

CHRISTINE: To try to solve your ﬁ rst murder case.

FREDDIE: I’m not even enrolled in the police academy yet.

CHRISTINE: Well, it’s never too soon to practice playing detective. Oh, sweetie! I’m so excited for you.

35 FREDDIE: I don’t even know where to begin.

CHRISTINE: Just use the skills you’ve learned in mall security. FREDDIE: But… but… CHRISTINE: If you do a good job, I might give you a gold star. And if you do an extra good job, you may even get a lollipop. FREDDIE: Gee! Do I get to pick the ﬂ avor?

16 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 JOEL: This guy’s going to fi gure out who murdered Mrs. Wilcox? He’s a nine-year-old trapped inside a 30-year-old’s body. CHRISTINE: At least let him try. RACHEL: Yes, what do we have to lose? We won’t have any contact 5 with the police until this storm is over. CHRISTINE: I know he can do it. (To FREDDIE.) I know you can, angel- pie. NEIL: All right, Freddie. Start detecting. CONNIE: This is so exciting! A real, live murder mystery. 10 ROBERT: Connie and Beatrice, why don’t you have a seat? CONNIE: We’re not allowed to sit on the job. ROBERT: You won’t be fi red. Your boss is dead. BEATRICE: He has a point. (She and CONNIE sit. There is a pause while EVERYONE watches FREDDIE, waiting for him to do something.) 15 FREDDIE: Um, let me think. I guess the fi rst thing I should do is try to fi gure out how Aunt Gretchen was murdered.

JOEL: (Sarcastic.) I think the knife in her back had something to do with it.

FREDDIE: Good point. I suppose it’s safe to surmise that Aunt

20 Gretchen has been stabbed to death.

CHRISTINE: Bravo! Oh, my little love bug, you’re doing such a wonderful job so far! I’m so proud! JOEL: (To FREDDIE.) You’re a fool. You’ve just established the obvious. I’m going to my room. Let me know when you’ve solved the murder 25 case. (EXITS UP LEFT.) RACHEL: That man seems to be in a permanent bad mood. It’s a wonder nobody offs him. ROBERT: Dear, you shouldn’t talk like that, especially considering the situation at hand. 30 RACHEL: I suppose my comment was in poor taste.

BEATRICE: Now what?

FREDDIE: I don’t know. CHRISTINE: Maybe you should try to ﬁ gure out who had the opportunity to murder Aunt Gretchen. Who had access to the hallway? 35 FREDDIE: Okay. Well, who did have access to the hallway? CHRISTINE: I suppose only the guests who were in their rooms. BEATRICE: Not necessarily. The kitchen has an entrance into the dining room and that leads directly into the hallway. You can get anywhere in this place from that hallway.

For preview only

1 CHRISTINE: Good point. Really, anyone in this place could’ve had access to the hallway. RACHEL: So, Freddie, who do you think is the murderer? FREDDIE: I don’t know. I’m new at this. Give me a minute. 5 GRETCHEN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT.) Hold it. (EVERYONE FREEZES, except for GRETCHEN. To AUDIENCE.) Well, howdy, folks. I ﬁ gured I’d mosey on out here to say hello and warm up. It’s cold in that freezer, and there’s nothing to do. Not that it appears anyone is doing anything worthwhile here. (To CONNIE.) Connie, I thought I 10 told you sitting down when you’re on the clock is not allowed! (To BEATRICE.) And Beatrice, you should know better. Oh, well, I suppose they can’t see me or hear me anyway. That tends to happen when you’ve been murdered. (To AUDIENCE.) What are

these folks talking about? (Gets AUDIENCE to tell her that FREDDIE

15 is trying to ﬁ gure out who murdered her.) I don’t have the foggiest

idea who murdered me. I was in the hallway heading from my

room to this room when I felt a sharp pain in my back. That’s all I

remember. I must have been stabbed from behind. Well, let’s see if Freddie here is ready to be a detective, shall we? He may be 20 able to ﬁ gure out who murdered me. Resume. (Steps asides and watches the scene unfold as EVERYONE UNFREEZES.) LOLA: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) I still can’t ﬁ nd my knitting needle.

RACHEL: Sorry, Lola, we have a bigger mystery to solve.

LOLA: But I need my knitting needle. This murder has me all worked 25 up, and the only thing that calms me is knitting. (To FREDDIE.) Say, Freddie, you haven’t seen my needle, have you? CHRISTINE: (Pulls FREDDIE aside.) Remember what I told you. I don’t want to see you looking at her, or I’ll scream.

FREDDIE: (Speaks to LOLA without looking at her. LOLA attempts to get 30 into FREDDIE’S line of sight, but he turns away.) No, I haven’t seen your needle.

LOLA: Well, let me know if your big, strong hands come across it, will you?

FREDDIE: Sure thing.

35 RACHEL: (To LOLA.) Your needle will probably turn up.

LOLA: I hope so. (Begins to leave but turns back, noticing the apron around RACHEL’S waist.) Wait a minute. What is that around your

waist?

RACHEL: (Holds the apron.) Oh, this? It’s an eurodito from the Lobnice

40 clan in South Uzbegeria. It’s an apron made of skin.

LOLA: Skin? As in animal skin?

18 For preview only

1 RACHEL: Yes, Lobnice women traditionally wear a pigskin eurodito after they’re married. It’s similar to our custom of wearing a wedding ring. LOLA: You are an evil, cruel being. 5 RACHEL: Why? LOLA: That skin came from an animal—a living, breathing pig. RACHEL: Yes, Robert and I were married by the Lobnice. The eurodito was a wedding gift. LOLA: Tell me not another word. I cannot bear to hear it. If you want to 10 wear something around your waist, you should try knitting yourself a belt. No animals are killed from knitting. If you ask me, you’re no better than whoever murdered Mrs. Wilcox. ROBERT: But only a pig was killed for Rachel’s apron, not a person. LOLA: It’s no different. (To RACHEL.) Maybe someday you’ll know how 15 it feels to have your skin and fl esh peeled from your dead bones, too. (EXITS UP RIGHT.) RACHEL: She seems to be in a bad mood, as well. BEATRICE: Speaking of skin and fl esh being peeled from dead bones, I think I better prepare the chicken we’re going to have for supper. 20 It’s almost six o’clock, and I haven’t even started cooking yet. (Mutters as she EXITS DOWN LEFT.) Stupid… GRETCHEN: (To AUDIENCE.) So much for the promptness we pride ourselves on. It fi gures. I’m only gone a few hours, and already the place is going to shambles. 25 ROBERT: (To RACHEL.) Come on, Rachel. We need a break from all of this discussion about murder. NEIL: I could sure stand to kick back for a while, myself. CHRISTINE: (To FREDDIE.) We should take a break, too. A nice nap before supper could do us good. It’s been a stressful day. 30 GRETCHEN: (To FREDDIE.) What? I thought you were going to try to fi gure out who murdered me? Well, if you’re all going to rest, then so am I. (To AUDIENCE.) Back to the freezer for me. (ROBERT, RACHEL and NEIL EXIT UP RIGHT while CHRISTINE and FREDDIE EXIT UP LEFT. GRETCHEN EXITS DOWN LEFT.) 35 SUZANNE: (ENTERS UP LEFT. To CONNIE.) You haven’t seen my husband, have you, darling? CONNIE: No, ma’am. SUZANNE: We were supposed to rehearse for an audition we have coming up, but he left the room over 20 minutes ago and hasn’t 40 been back since. CONNIE: I haven’t seen him in here.

19 For preview only

1 SUZANNE: You don’t suppose he’s gone missing, do you? CONNIE: It’s a possibility. Maybe he’s with Lola’s knitting needle. SUZANNE: (Laughs.) You’re too much. You have such a charming presence and a sweet face. And with wit like that, you have me 5 in stitches. Have you ever thought of going into show business, darling?

CONNIE: Oh, no. I’m not much suited for the stage. SUZANNE: Then try Hollywood. The camera would love your face. CONNIE: I don’t know. It sounds stressful to have to learn all of those 10 lines. I tend to freeze when I’m under pressure. SUZANNE: (Laughs.) There you go again. You practically have me rolling. CARLA JO: (ENTERS UP LEFT with RHONDA MAE.) Connie, do you know which is the key to the cabinet? 15 CONNIE: (Goes to the key ring hanging behind check-in desk.) I think it’s right here on her key ring, why? RHONDA MAE: We want our riﬂ e back. SUZANNE: What on earth do you want a gun for? CARLA JO: We’re goin’ huntin’. 20 SUZANNE: Hunting? In this terrible storm? RHONDA MAE: Of course! The rain makes all the squirrels hide in the trees. CARLA JO: The trees are practically stuffed full of them during storms like this. 25 SUZANNE: Squirrels? On the island, you say? And you’re going to go outside in this weather? CARLA JO: Heavens, no. You Yankees don’t know the ﬁ rst thing about huntin’. Did you hear that, sister?

RHONDA MAE: I sure did, sister. (To SUZANNE.) Honey, we ain’t goin’ 30 outside to hunt. We don’t want to get all soggy. SUZANNE: I’m confused, then. CARLA JO: We’re going to open the window, fi re our rifl e into the trees and watch the squirrels fall to the ground. RHONDA MAE: We’ll go outside and scoop up their dead little bodies 35 when the storm stops. (CONNIE hands a key on the ring to CARLA JO, who opens the cabinet.) SUZANNE: (Sarcastic.) What a delightful thought. (Serious.) I don’t think it’s a good idea to fi re a gun in the house. RHONDA MAE: We’ll aim the rifl e outside, not inside. Don’t worry. CARLA JO: Hey, the cabinet’s empty.

20 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 RHONDA MAE: Where’s our riﬂ e?! CARLA JO: I don’t know. It’s gone. CONNIE: You’re sure Mrs. Wilcox put it in there? CARLA JO: I saw her with my own two eyes.

5 RHONDA MAE: And my eyes, too.

SUZANNE: Somebody must have taken it out. (COSTUMED GUEST ENTERS UP RIGHT.) CARLA JO: This is a violation of the Second Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America! Someone is tamperin’ 10 with my right to bear arms. We’ve got a thief here. CONNIE: What if whoever murdered Mrs. Wilcox is the same person who took your riﬂ e? RHONDA MAE: Then we’d have a murderin’ thief. CARLA JO: Or a thieverin’ murderer. 15 CONNIE: Oh, dear! Lola’s knitting needle is missing, too. Maybe the same person stole both the needle and the riﬂ e. And the knife that was used to murder Mrs. Wilcox. COSTUMED GUEST: Did you say there’s a thief in the house? RHONDA MAE: There sure is, bub. 20 CARLA JO: What do you call that getup, anyway? COSTUMED GUEST: Getup? CARLA JO: Them there costumes you’re wearin’. COSTUMED GUEST: I don’t wear costumes. This is my Night Crusader uniform. Right now, I’m the Night Crusader. 25 CARLA JO: What do you mean, right now? Are you other people at other times? COSTUMED GUEST: I’m a whole bunch of different people. RHONDA MAE: Is one of them people a murderer? CARLA JO: Or a thief? 30 COSTUMED GUEST: No, no! I’m nothing of the sort. A true hero would never murder or steal from anyone. Well, anyone who isn’t a villain. RHONDA MAE: Then why do you wear that uniform? COSTUMED GUEST: I’m a devout follower of graphic novels. CARLA JO: I hear words comin’ out of those lips, but I don’t understand 35 what they’re sayin’. COSTUMED GUEST: In other words, I like to read comic books. And I strive to live as my favorite characters. RHONDA MAE: And right now you’re livin’ as the Night Crusader? COSTUMED GUEST: You hit the nail on the head.

For preview only

1 RHONDA MAE: I didn’t hit nothin’, and don’t you go accusin’ me of violence. CONNIE: Oh, dear! It’s just an expression. RHONDA MAE: Well, this fella better watch what he’s expressin’, 5 because it sounded to me like an accusation. COSTUMED GUEST: I do believe you were the one who accused me of being a thief, which is impossible. I am the Night Crusader. The Night Crusader does not steal. He fi ghts injustice, successfully hides his identity and still manages to maintain a steady 10 relationship with the cutest chick in town. RHONDA MAE: Well, Night Crusader, maybe you can help us fi nd the person who stole our rifl e. CARLA JO: That’s an injustice that needs fi ghtin’. (NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE ENTER UP RIGHT.)

15 COSTUMED GUEST: I’ll do my best, ladies. SUZANNE: And I guess I should go back to my room and wait for Stefan. (EXITS UP LEFT.) RHONDA MAE: (To SUZANNE.) Whatever you say, gal. (To COSTUMED GUEST.) Come on, Night Crusader! (Pushes past NEIL, MOLLY and 20 MINNIE.) Out of our way, mimeys. (COSTUMED GUEST, CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE EXIT UP LEFT.) NEIL: Those three are in a hurry. CONNIE: They’re on a mission to ﬁ ght injustice. NEIL: We’re on a mission, too. 25 CONNIE: What type of mission would that be? NEIL: A mission to ﬁ ll our bellies. I’ve got a troupe of hungry mimes here. (MOLLY pantomimes being hungry. Indicates MINNIE.) And that one’s thirsty. (MINNIE pantomimes being thirsty.) CONNIE: Oh, dear! Let me check with Beatrice. Supper should

30 have been served already, but with all the excitement from Mrs. Wilcox’s murder, we’re a bit behind schedule. (MOLLY and MINNIE pantomime eating corn on the cob.) NEIL: All right, but if supper won’t be ready for a while, can we at least have another snack or something? I get awfully hungry watching 35 these mimes pretend to eat. CONNIE: I’ll admit that corn on the cob does look good. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.) RACHEL: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Hello, all. I just came to see if there were any good books in here. All I’ve brought are my ﬁ eld note 40 journals, and I can’t concentrate on work right now. NEIL: I know what you mean. (MOLLY and MINNIE pantomime reading.)

22 For preview only

1 RACHEL: (To NEIL, indicates MOLLY and MINNIE.) What are they doing? NEIL: They must be reading. RACHEL: I see. (To MOLLY and MINNIE.) Reading anything good? (MINNIE pantomimes romance.) I love a good romance novel. 5 (MOLLY pantomimes a murder mystery.) How can you be reading a murder mystery at a time like this? NEIL: Maybe she thinks it will help her fi gure out who murdered Mrs. Wilcox. RACHEL: (Grabs a book off of the bookshelf. To MINNIE.) A romance 10 novel it is for me, too. CONNIE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with a platter of cheese and crackers.) Beatrice says it will be another half hour or so before supper is ready. I fi xed some cheese and crackers to help tide you over. It’s not exactly an authentic Western snack, but it’s all I know how to 15 do in the kitchen. NEIL: Thanks. (Takes the platter.) Come on, kids. (He, MOLLY and MINNIE EXIT UP RIGHT. RACHEL sits.) CONNIE: Can I get you anything, Dr. Shanklin? RACHEL: No, thank you, dear. I’ll just sit here and read until supper. 20 CONNIE: Yes, ma’am. Let me know if you need anything. (EXITS UP RIGHT. CHRISTINE and FREDDIE ENTER UP LEFT. At some point during the following dialogue, the tip of a rifl e appears through the hole in the painting on the wall UP CENTER. The rifl e follows RACHEL as she moves around the room having a conversation with FREDDIE 25 and CHRISTINE.) FREDDIE: (To CHRISTINE.) I don’t even know what I’m looking for. CHRISTINE: Just search around. RACHEL: (Stands.) Christine? CHRISTINE: Oh, Rachel. You’re out here. 30 RACHEL: Yes, I decided to do a little reading. I thought the two of you were going to take a nap. CHRISTINE: We got back to the room, and I decided I just couldn’t rest. Not until I know who murdered Aunt Gretchen. FREDDIE: Christine wants me to look for clues. 35 RACHEL: Yes, all good detectives look for clues. CHRISTINE: That’s what I told him. FREDDIE: What would a clue even look like? CHRISTINE: Well— (By this point in the conversation RACHEL should be standing UP CENTER in front of the painting. SOUND EFFECT: 40 THUNDER. LIGHTS GO OUT as if there has been a power failure. SOUND EFFECT: GUNSHOT. RACHEL staggers DOWN CENTER and

23 For preview only

1 falls to the fl oor as if she has been shot, leaving a trail of blood. The rifl e tip disappears and a note is slipped through the hole in the painting onto the fl oor.) ROBERT: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Rachel? Are you out here? 5 CHRISTINE: Robert, did you hear that? It sounded like a gunshot. ROBERT: Where’s Rachel? FREDDIE: She’s right here. ROBERT: Rachel? FREDDIE: At least she was right here. (LIGHTS UP FULL to reveal

10 RACHEL on the ﬂ oor.) CHRISTINE: Ahhh! (JOEL, SUZANNE, COSTUMED GUEST, LOLA, CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE ENTER UP LEFT. NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE ENTER UP RIGHT. EVERYONE panics because of the gunshot.) ROBERT: Rachel! (Checks RACHEL’S pulse.) She’s dead.

15 BEATRICE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT.) There’s no need to panic. We just had a quick blackout. It must have been the storm. CHRISTINE: We weren’t panicking about the blackout. Rachel is dead. SUZANNE: Not another murder! ROBERT: Who did this? Which one of you did this? Who shot Rachel? 20 LOLA: Carla Jo and Rhonda Mae have a gun. I saw it. CARLA JO: We do not. I mean we did, but it’s missin’. Someone stole it from the cabinet.

SUZANNE: That’s true. It wasn’t in there a few minutes ago when we looked.

25 LOLA: They probably had it the whole time. They hunt squirrels, so why not hunt people?

ROBERT: (To LOLA.) You. It was you. Stop trying to shift the blame. You threatened Rachel earlier.

LOLA: You are accusing me of something I am incapable of doing.

30 I do not believe in hurting any living creature, including humans. (GRETCHEN ENTERS DOWN LEFT.)

CHRISTINE: (To LOLA and ROBERT.) We can’t just go around pointing

ﬁ ngers, accusing them of murder. (To FREDDIE.) Right, Freddie?

FREDDIE: Uh, Christine is right.

35 CHRISTINE: I have an announcement to make. As some of you already know, Freddie is going to use his detective skills to ﬁ gure out who

murdered Aunt Gretchen. Now I guess he’s also going to ﬁ gure out

who murdered Rachel.

FREDDIE: I am?

24 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 GRETCHEN: Hold it. (EVERYONE FREEZES. To AUDIENCE.) I can’t believe it. I go back to the freezer for a few minutes and look what happens—another murder. Poor Rachel. I guess I’ll have company in the freezer. These fools will never be able to ﬁ gure out who the 5 murderer is. If I don’t step in, half the guest list will be murdered before the night is over. How was Rachel murdered? (AUDIENCE responds that someone shot her.) Someone came into the room with a gun? (AUDIENCE responds that the gun came through a hole in the painting.) Oh, my goodness. The secret… (Moves to 10 the painting and points to the hole.) …and someone put a hole in

my painting! Now, let’s see. How can I get Freddie here to notice

that the gun was ﬁ red from this hole? He can’t see me or hear me.

Well, I guess I could just move him. (Moves a stiff FREDDIE to the

painting.) There. Resume. (EVERYONE UNFREEZES as GRETCHEN

15 steps back to observe. FREDDIE looks confused as to where he now is.) ROBERT: How could someone do this to Rachel? CHRISTINE: (Notices FREDDIE by the painting.) Freddie, what are you doing over there? Get over here and start interrogating the 20 suspects. LOLA: I am not a suspect. CARLA JO: Neither am I. In fact, I’m a victim. A victim of a Second Amendment violation! FREDDIE: (Still confused, he looks down and notices the trail of blood.) 25 Wait a minute, there’s blood over here. It’s a trail of blood leading right to the body. BEATRICE: Where’s Connie? It’s her job to clean it up. NEIL: You mean the little maid? She hasn’t been out here this entire time. 30 JOEL: (To SUZANNE.) And where’s your husband? SUZANNE: I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in half an hour. CHRISTINE: (Follows the trail of blood from RACHEL to UP CENTER.) Oh, my. The blood leads directly to the secret. BEATRICE: Yes, it does.

35 FREDDIE: You keep talking about “the secret.” What is “the secret”?

CHRISTINE: I guess I should tell you now. (Points to painting UP CENTER.) Behind this wall is a secret passage.

FREDDIE: A secret passage?

CHRISTINE: Yes, it’s sort of a fun little doorway that everyone who

40 stays here eventually ﬁ nds out about. It leads right to the back of the linen closet in the hallway. That was so perceptive of you to ﬁ nd the trail of blood. 25

For preview only

1 LOLA: Yes, it was. I love a highly perceptive man. FREDDIE: (Still not looking at LOLA.) Uh, thanks. (Turns away from LOLA and notices the note on the ﬂ oor.) Say, there’s a note on the ﬂ oor right next to the passage. (Points to the hole in the painting.) 5 Whoever was inside must have slipped it through the hole right

here.

CHRISTINE: (Takes the note.) It’s written in that same orange ink. Let’s see what it says. (Reads the note aloud.) “Rachel, Rachel had to go. But who shot her? You’ll never know.”

10 ROBERT: Again, catchy.

FREDDIE: Do you think whoever murdered Rachel is still inside the

secret passage?

CHRISTINE: Maybe.

FREDDIE: (Indicates the passage.) How do we get this thing open? 15 CHRISTINE: You just lift the latch back here behind the painting. JOEL: How is that possible with the fi replace there? CHRISTINE: Oh, it’s not a real fi replace. The builder of this house had a great sense of humor and built this false fi replace front just to hide this door. (Opens the secret door to reveal STEFAN and 20 CONNIE embracing. The rifl e is also inside the passageway.) GRETCHEN: Hold it! (EVERYONE FREEZES. To AUDIENCE.) Well, this is certainly an interesting turn of events. I’ve seen a lot of things in my day, but never anything as lowdown and vile as an affair at a family reunion. Then again, I’ve also never seen a murder 25 at a family reunion. Let alone two murders. (Looks at SUZANNE.) Suzanne certainly looks as if she wants to give her husband a

piece of her mind. Shall we let her? (AUDIENCE responds “yes.”)

Resume. (EVERYONE UNFREEZES.)

SUZANNE: (To STEFAN.) So this is where you’ve been! (Indicates

30 CONNIE.) With this ﬂ oozy in the secret passage!

STEFAN: Well, no, not exactly. Connie and I just went in there a few minutes ago.

SUZANNE: Then where have you been for the past half hour?

CARLA JO: That’s easy. He was in my room hittin’ on me for awhile.

35 GRETCHEN: (To STEFAN, disgusted.) Really?

RHONDA MAE: She had a heck of a time gettin’ him to leave. SUZANNE: (To STEFAN.) Are you serious? You would stoop so low as to put your lips on the hired help and this hick?

CARLA JO: Excuse me. How dare you! His lips have been nowhere 40 near mine. I wouldn’t give him the time of day. SUZANNE: (To CONNIE.) And what do you have to say for yourself?

26 For preview only

1 CONNIE: I’m sorry? LOLA: Stefan knocked on my door a little while ago asking if he could come in. I told him to get lost. I don’t fool around with married men. 5 CHRISTINE: Ha! (MOLLY points to herself.) SUZANNE: He was hitting on you? (MOLLY nods “yes.” MINNIE points to herself.) And you, too? (MINNIE nods “yes.” To STEFAN.) You are a pig. STEFAN: What can I say? I just wanted a little female attention. 10 BEATRICE: Stefan never hit on me. STEFAN: I hope I never get that desperate. RHONDA MAE: (Notices the riﬂ e in secret passage and picks it up.)

Carla Jo, look. It’s our riﬂ e.

CARLA JO: The murderer must have stolen it from the cabinet and

15 brought it in that there passage.

JOEL: Not to get in the middle of this whole love triangle—er— heptagon, but does anyone else fi nd it curious that Stefan and the maid were found in the secret passage with a fi rearm, what with the trail of blood leading right from it and all? 20 STEFAN: Trail of blood? CHRISTINE: (Points to RACHEL lying on the fl oor.) Rachel has been murdered! She was shot by someone in the passage. CONNIE: Oh, dear! We only went into the passage a few moments ago.

25 JOEL: A likely story.

STEFAN: No, it’s true. I was just leaving Carla Jo and Rhonda Mae’s room when I saw Connie and asked her if I could talk with her.

CONNIE: Stefan told me he needed my help to rehearse a scene.

SUZANNE: In a linen closet?

30 CONNIE: He told me he wanted to go somewhere where no one would

bother us. SUZANNE: (To STEFAN.) You mean where no one would ﬁ nd you. Well,

guess what? We found you, you two-timing creep.

CHRISTINE: Calm down. That still doesn’t explain how the two of you

35 could possibly be in the secret passage without seeing who else was in there.

STEFAN: We were in the hallway when the lights went out. We heard

a loud bang but couldn’t see two inches in front of our faces. Someone brushed past us as we were entering the passage, but it was too dark to tell who it was.

27 For preview only

1 CONNIE: You know, I thought it was kind of strange that someone else was in the linen closet. CHRISTINE: (To STEFAN.) The two of you heard a gunshot and still felt the need to continue your rendezvous? 5 SUZANNE: Yes, Stefan is a dog who won’t even stop for murder. STEFAN: No! I didn’t know there was a gunshot. There’s been a racket in this place all night. I thought that loud bang was just another crack of thunder. CHRISTINE: Then who was leaving the secret passage when as you 10 entered? Someone is not telling the truth. LOLA: (To STEFAN.) That sounds like an easy accomplishment for an actor. CARLA JO: (To SUZANNE.) Or an actress. SUZANNE: Or anyone. Clearly there is someone pretending to be who 15 he or she is not. Stefan and I aren’t the only ones here with acting ability. CHRISTINE: We’re not accomplishing anything by blaming each other. Most of us entered this room after we heard the gunshot by coming through the hallway. Did anyone see anything? 20 CARLA JO: How could we? It was pitch black. CHRISTINE: Then it could have been anyone. COSTUMED GUEST: Two murders and 15 suspects?

CONNIE: Oh, dear! I’m scared.

RHONDA MAE: I don’t feel safe anymore. 25 JOEL: You’re the one holding the gun. You should feel safer than the rest of us. (MOLLY pantomimes putting the riﬂ e back in the cabinet.)

CHRISTINE: Good thinking, Molly. Maybe the riﬂ e should stay in the

cabinet. If it’s locked up, we’ll all feel at ease.

STEFAN: Don’t be so sure. Aunt Gretchen was murdered with a knife. 30 GRETCHEN: (Holds her back as if it is sore.) I sure was. SUZANNE: And besides, someone already used the key to the cabinet to steal the gun. Who says it won’t happen again? CHRISTINE: Good point. Maybe we should leave the evidence in the hands of the detective. (Hands the riﬂ e to FREDDIE.) 35 FREDDIE: (Looks at the riﬂ e and then at everyone else.) Any idea what we should do, anybody?

JOEL: You’re the one playing detective.

FREDDIE: Oh, yeah. Then I think you should all return to your rooms and lock your doors. (MOLLY and MINNIE pantomime hunger.)

NEIL: (Indicates MOLLY and MINNIE.) They’re hungry.

28 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 JOEL: It is well past suppertime, according to the brochure. BEATRICE: I’ll continue cooking, then. (Crosses DOWN LEFT.) CHRISTINE: (To BEATRICE.) You can’t stay in the kitchen alone. Suppose someone tries to hurt you? 5 JOEL: Or suppose you try to hurt someone?

CONNIE: I’ll stay with her.

FREDDIE: All right, Connie and Beatrice can work in the kitchen.

Everyone else, return to your rooms until supper is ready. Christine

and I will stay out here and continue to look for clues.

10 CHRISTINE: Aw, Freddie. You’re so adorable when you get authoritative. (LOLA, JOEL, STEFAN and SUZANNE EXIT UP LEFT. COSTUMED

GUEST, NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE EXIT UP RIGHT.)

ROBERT: What are we going to do with Rachel? We can’t just leave

her on the ﬂ oor.

15 RHONDA MAE: (Indicates CARLA JO.) We’ll take care of that. (Picks up RACHEL with CARLA JO and heads toward DOWN LEFT EXIT.) In the freezer you go with Mrs. Wilcox. GRETCHEN: (To AUDIENCE.) I better get back in the freezer before Carla Jo and Rhonda Mae get there and notice I’m missing. That

20 would be quite a shock. (She, RHONDA MAE and CARLA JO EXIT

DOWN LEFT. ROBERT EXITS UP RIGHT.)

CHRISTINE: (To FREDDIE.) Where are you going to look for clues?

FREDDIE: I have no idea.

BEATRICE: I know. Whoever was in the passage had to know that it 25 existed in the ﬁ rst place.

FREDDIE: Who here would know about the passage?

BEATRICE: Those of us who work here know about it. And the passage is used during the evening games of hide and seek, so any of the

guests who have been here before know about it. 30 FREDDIE: Hide and seek? What kind of bed and breakfast is this? Don’t most places just set up some board games for the guests? BEATRICE: Mrs. Wilcox liked to kick things up a notch. CHRISTINE: Oh, how I loved those games of hide and seek! FREDDIE: Beatrice, which guests have been here before? 35 BEATRICE: Lola stays here every year. Suzanne and Stefan have been here a few times over the years. Robert came with Rachel every now and then. The only guests I’ve never seen before are Neil, the mimes and that man dressed as the Night Crusader. Oh, and the Michaels sisters and you. CHRISTINE: So about half of the guests are here for the ﬁ rst time?

For preview only

1 BEATRICE: I suppose, but I’ve been working here for a long time. I could easily have forgotten a face over the years. Any one of them could have stayed here in the past. FREDDIE: In other words, everyone is still a suspect. 5 BEATRICE: I’m afraid so. Well, the chicken should be ready to come out of the oven. If I don’t hurry with this meal, I’ll have some hungry mimes ready to murder me. CONNIE: Hopefully, they’ll only pantomime murdering you. BEATRICE: (Mutters.) Stupid… (EXITS DOWN LEFT with CONNIE.) 10 NEIL: (ENTERS UP RIGHT holding a laptop case.) Freddie? FREDDIE: Neil, you’re supposed to stay locked in your room. It’s potentially dangerous out here. NEIL: I wanted to let you know that something’s been stolen from my room. 15 CHRISTINE: Oh, not another theft. First a knife, then a knitting needle, then a riﬂ e, and now what? NEIL: My laptop. I went to take it out of the case just now, and it’s gone. The case is empty. FREDDIE: So it wasn’t missing until you went back to your room? 20 NEIL: Well, I’m not sure. I haven’t used it since I arrived. CHRISTINE: You know what this means? FREDDIE: What? CHRISTINE: That it could have been stolen hours ago. Any one of the guests could have it right now. 25 FREDDIE: Good point. Thanks for letting us know, Neil. Go back to your room and lock your door. We’ll be on the lookout for a missing laptop. NEIL: Thanks. (EXITS UP RIGHT.) RHONDA MAE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with CARLA JO.) The body’s in the 30 freezer. Any other liftin’ you need us to do? CHRISTINE: I think that will be all, Rhonda Mae. You two should get back to your room. (RHONDA MAE and CARLA JO EXIT UP LEFT.) FREDDIE: Well, this is turning into quite an evening. This place isn’t the calm and quiet bed and breakfast I was led to believe it was. 35 CHRISTINE: The murders have put a little stress on our honeymoon, haven’t they? (SOUND EFFECT: ELECTRIC BUZZ. LIGHTS OUT.) What in the world? FREDDIE: Did the storm knock the power out again?

CONNIE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT.) Oh, dear! Mr. and Mrs. Franklin, are

the two of you still in here?

30 For preview only

1 CHRISTINE: We’re here, Connie. CONNIE: Beatrice heard a fuse pop. The circuit breaker is in the mudroom right off of the kitchen. She’s ﬁ xing it now. (LIGHTS UP.) There we go. 5 BEATRICE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT.) I ﬁ xed the fuse. Someone must have overloaded one of the circuits. Connie, come help me set the table. CONNIE: Yes, Beatrice. BEATRICE: (Mutters.) Stupid… (EXIT DOWN LEFT with CONNIE.) 10 SUZANNE’S VOICE: (From OFF UP LEFT.) Ahhhhhhhhhhh! SUZANNE: (ENTERS UP LEFT, wearing a bathrobe and facial cream mask.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! FREDDIE: (Simultaneous.) Ahhhhhhhhhh! (When she stops screaming.) What is it? 15 SUZANNE: Come quickly! It’s Stefan! He’s in the bathtub! FREDDIE: What’s so odd about that? Don’t most people bathe? SUZANNE: Yes, but he’s not moving. (EXITS UP LEFT with FREDDIE.) JOEL: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) What in the world just happened? What kind of establishment has the power going on and off all evening? This 20 is certainly going to affect my review. ROBERT: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Is everything all right? CHRISTINE: I’m not sure. Something may have happened to Stefan. FREDDIE: (ENTERS UP LEFT with SUZANNE, carrying a wet laptop and a note.) I think we found Neil’s missing laptop. It was in the bathtub 25 with Stefan. It must have fallen into the water. CHRISTINE: Is Stefan all right? FREDDIE: He’s dead. The laptop was plugged into the wall next to the bathtub. When it hit the water, a fuse must have blown, causing the blackout. Stefan was electrocuted. 30 SUZANNE: Stefan didn’t even bring a laptop. I don’t understand. CHRISTINE: Neil just told us that his laptop was stolen. Whoever took it must have thrown it into the bathtub knowing it would electrocute Stefan. Suzanne, tell us exactly what happened. SUZANNE: Well, darling, when we were sent back to our room, Stefan 35 told me he was going to take a bath. Bubble baths tend to help relieve his tension. And I told him he could do whatever he wanted because I didn’t want to look at his lying, cheating face. I decided to give myself a facial because my skin was feeling a little dry. Healthy skin is essential for actors, you see. I applied a facial

40 mask and put some cucumber slices over my eyes to help get

rid of the pufﬁ ness. Then I laid down on the bed. The next thing I

31 For preview only

1 knew, I heard a sizzle and a pop. I took the cucumbers off of my eyes and saw that the lights were out. As I was making my way to the bathroom, someone shoved past me and ran out of our room. FREDDIE: Did you see who it was? 5 SUZANNE: No, darling, it was dark and everything happened so quickly. I called out to Stefan, but he didn’t respond. When the

lights came on a moment later, I saw why.

FREDDIE: (Holds up the note.) We found this near the bathtub with

Stefan. It’s in that same creepy ink.

10 CHRISTINE: (Takes the note and reads it aloud.) “Has there ever been

someone who made you so mad, That the thought of him murdered

would make you feel glad? I know that you think what I did was

quite bad. And maybe it was, but I’m not feeling sad.”

ROBERT: This murderer sure is some poet.

15 CHRISTINE: Who could have done this?

FREDDIE: Don’t look at me. I can’t even ﬁ gure out who murdered Aunt Gretchen and Rachel. GRETCHEN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with RACHEL and talks to AUDIENCE.) Hold it. (EVERYONE [who is alive] FREEZES. GRETCHEN indicates 20 AUDIENCE.) Rachel, let me introduce you to my new friends. They’re

helping me solve my murder—well, our murders.

RACHEL: Based upon the looks on everybody’s faces, it seems as if

there’s been another murder.

GRETCHEN: Has there been another murder? (AUDIENCE responds.) 25 Who now? (AUDIENCE responds.) No, not Stefan.

RACHEL: Stefan?

GRETCHEN: Who is doing this? Who is murdering random guests at my bed and breakfast?

RACHEL: Aunt Gretchen, what if it’s not random? Think about it. You

30 were murdered, and I was murdered and Stefan was murdered. Don’t you see the connection? GRETCHEN: Yes, we’re all related. Whoever is doing this must be targeting our family. We have to let Freddie know. RACHEL: Don’t be silly. We’re dead. He can’t see us or hear us. 35 GRETCHEN: Oh, Rachel, I’ve already helped that beetle brain. Do you really think he can do this all by himself? I have an idea. (Moves FREDDIE over to the check-in desk, picks up the registry book and a pen, circles some items in the book and places the book in FREDDIE’S hands.) Resume. (EVERYONE UNFREEZES.) 40 SUZANNE: I can’t believe my darling Stefan is gone. CHRISTINE: Who would want to murder Stefan? (Notices FREDDIE.) Freddie, what are you doing with the registry book?

32 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 FREDDIE: I have no idea. CHRISTINE: (Looks at the registry book.) Wait a minute. Look at this. Somebody circled Rachel’s last name, Shanklin. And Stefan’s last name, Livingston, is circled, as well. Hmm, the name Wilcox is 5 circled where it says Wilcox’s Western Bed and Breakfast. Why would someone circle those three names? FREDDIE: Well, the people with those names have been murdered. CHRISTINE: (To herself, as it sinks in.) And they’re all related… They’re all my family… Someone has circled the names of all three victims. 10 Freddie, it’s a good thing you looked at the registry. You’re such a smart detective. FREDDIE: Sure, thanks. BEATRICE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT.) Gather the others. Supper is ready. (Mutters.) Stupid… (EXITS DOWN LEFT.) 15 FREDDIE: Suzanne, Joel, Robert, ﬁ nd all of the guests and let them know that it’s time to eat. I’ll announce that there’s been another murder at supper. (SUZANNE, JOEL and ROBERT EXIT UP RIGHT.) CHRISTINE: (Realizes something.) Oh, no. Freddie! FREDDIE: What? 20 CHRISTINE: There have been three people murdered tonight, and all three have been my relatives. If the murderer is targeting my family, I could be next. I’m the only Knotting family member left at the family reunion. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER and RAIN. CURTAIN.)

End of ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene One

CURTAIN UP: An hour later. SUZANNE, BEATRICE, JOEL, NEIL, MOLLY,

25 MINNIE, FREDDIE and CHRISTINE ENTER UP LEFT, having just come from supper in the dining room. SUZANNE: Supper was wonderful, Beatrice. JOEL: If by wonderful you mean dry and tasteless, then yes, Beatrice, supper was indeed wonderful. 30 BEATRICE: You’re really testing my patience, Mr. March. There’s only so much I can handle before I snap. JOEL: Really? What are you going to do then?

BEATRICE: You don’t want to know.

NEIL: Well, you may not have enjoyed supper, Joel, but Molly and 35 Minnie sure thought it was delicious.

FREDDIE: I’ve never seen anyone eat so ferociously.

NEIL: I told you they were hungry.

For preview only

1 FREDDIE: (Points to one of MOLLY’S gloved hands, which now has an orange stain.) And they look like they’re wearing half of the cake we had for dessert. (ROBERT, COSTUMED GUEST, CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE ENTER UP LEFT. COSTUMED GUEST is now dressed 5 as Yak Man. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) ROBERT: Night Crusader, it was very thoughtful of you to grace us with a new outﬁ t for supper. COSTUMED GUEST: Night Crusader? I’m not the Night Crusader anymore. (LOLA and CONNIE ENTER UP LEFT.) 10 CARLA JO: He looks like he’s some sorta Buffalo Guy now. COSTUMED GUEST: I beg your pardon! I am no buffalo. I am Yak Man. 50 percent man, 50 percent yak, 100 percent destroyer of all that

dares to threaten the Himalayans!

CARLA JO: I’ve never heard of him.

15 COSTUMED GUEST: Few have. But Yak Man knows you. For Yak Man knows all.

NEIL: Say, kid, where do you get your costumes made? COSTUMED GUEST: They’re not costumes, they’re uniforms. And I make them myself. 20 NEIL: (Looks closely at COSTUMED GUEST’S costume.) Very nice. You know, Molly and Minnie here could use something new to wear. Would you be interested in possibly giving mime costuming a shot? COSTUMED GUEST: I don’t see why not. They might look nice in heather gray terry cloth leotards. I have some fabric swatches in my bag if you’d like to see. (MOLLY and MINNIE pantomime delight.) 25 NEIL: Sure thing. (He and COSTUMED GUEST start toward UP RIGHT

EXIT.)

CHRISTINE: Wait, Freddie, is it a good idea to let Neil go to the Night

Crusader—uh—Yak Man’s room?

30 COSTUMED GUEST: We’re only going to be looking at some fabric.

FREDDIE: I guess it would be safer if we all returned to our own

rooms.

JOEL: (Sarcastic.) Sure, there’s nothing I’d rather do than spend some

more time in my cramped little room.

35 NEIL: All right, then. (To MOLLY and MINNIE.) Come on, kids.

FREDDIE: And don’t forget to lock your doors. (COSTUMED GUEST, NEIL, MOLLY, MINNIE, SUZANNE and ROBERT EXIT UP RIGHT. CARLA

JO, RHONDA MAE, and JOEL EXIT UP LEFT.)

BEATRICE: Mr. Franklin, I really should clean up the kitchen. 40 FREDDIE: (To CONNIE.) Connie, would you mind helping Beatrice? If we have to be out of our rooms, I think it’s safer if we stay in pairs.

34 For preview only

1 CONNIE: Yes, Mr. Franklin. BEATRICE: (Mutters.) Stupid… (EXITS DOWN LEFT with CONNIE.) LOLA: Freddie, can I talk to you for a minute? FREDDIE: (Turns away from LOLA.) Uh, I guess so.

5 LOLA: (Attempts to get into FREDDIE’S line of sight, but he turns away.) I still have not been able to locate the whereabouts of my missing knitting needle. Is there anyone staying here who strikes you as a knitting needle thief?

CHRISTINE: Lily—

10 LOLA: It’s Lola, sweetie.

CHRISTINE: Lola, then. How can you be concerned about knitting right

now? Three people have been murdered.

LOLA: I’m not concerned about knitting. I’m concerned about the needle. Think about it. A knife was taken from the kitchen and 15 ended up in Mrs. Wilcox’s back. Then the Michaels sisters’ gun was stolen from the cabinet and was used to murder Rachel. And right before supper, Neil’s missing laptop was found in the bathtub with Stefan. FREDDIE: What does this have to do with the needle? 20 LOLA: (Attempts to get into FREDDIE’S line of sight, but he turns away again.) I think the murderer might use my missing knitting needle to murder his or her next victim. CHRISTINE: A knitting needle through the throat could certainly cause some damage.

25 FREDDIE: Wait! So, you think your missing needle is a clue?

LOLA: (Attempts to get into FREDDIE’S line of sight, but he turns away

yet again.) It could be.

FREDDIE: I never thought of that. Thanks for letting me know. Now

why don’t you go to your room? I’m getting dizzy.

30 CHRISTINE: (To LOLA.) Yes, why don’t you go to your room?

LOLA: Okay, but be on the lookout for my needle, would you? (EXITS UP LEFT.)

FREDDIE: Lola brings up a good point.

CHRISTINE: I hate to admit it, but she’s right. There’s a good chance

35 that her needle could end up being the next murder weapon if we can’t solve this. FREDDIE: Do you really think the murderer will come after you next?

CHRISTINE: It makes sense, doesn’t it? Everyone who’s been murdered is a member of the Knotting family. There’s no better opportunity to murder an entire family than at a family reunion.

35 For preview only

1 FREDDIE: We shouldn’t let the other guests know that we’ve ﬁ gured out a connection between all of the victims. From now on, we will keep the clues to ourselves. CHRISTINE: Oh, you’re talking more and more like a real detective 5 every minute! I could just give you kisses all over! (Kisses FREDDIE.) What are we going to do now? FREDDIE: I don’t know. I’ll think of something. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’d hate to see my wife impaled with a knitting needle. What would that make you? Shish-ka-bride?

10 CARLA JO: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with RHONDA MAE. CARLA JO carries

COSTUMED GUEST’S suitcase. RHONDA MAE carries COSTUMED

GUEST over her shoulder.) Mr. Franklin, stop everythin’. We found

the murderer.

COSTUMED GUEST: Let go of me. 15 CARLA JO: (To RHONDA MAE.) Hold the scoundrel down. (RHONDA MAE lays COSTUMED GUEST on the loveseat and sits on him.) COSTUMED GUEST: Get off of me. FREDDIE: What’s going on? CARLA JO: (Hands COSTUMED GUEST’S suitcase to FREDDIE.) Look at 20 what we found in this Yankee Yak’s suitcase. (FREDDIE begins to pull weapons out of the suitcase.) CHRISTINE: They look like all kinds of weapons. FREDDIE: What’s the meaning of this, Yak Man? COSTUMED GUEST: (Indicates RHONDA MAE.) Get her off of me and 25 I can explain. FREDDIE: Rhonda Mae… (RHONDA MAE gets off of COSTUMED GUEST.) CHRISTINE: Why do you have a suitcase full of weapons? COSTUMED GUEST: (Pulls an obviously toy weapon out of the suitcase.) This is a sonic blaster (Pulls another toy weapon out.), and this is 30 a deadly destroyer. (FREDDIE, CHRISTINE, CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE duck away from weapons.) They’re harmless. FREDDIE: How can they be harmless? COSTUMED GUEST: They’re not real. They’re just props to go along with my uniforms. Look. (Fires a weapon at RHONDA MAE. It makes an ELECTRONIC NOISE like a toy would.) 35 RHONDA MAE: No! The pain! Ughh! (Notices there is no wound on her body.) Oh, I guess they are harmless.

COSTUMED GUEST: I told you. Why would I bring real weapons on a

relaxing stay at a bed and breakfast? I’m no murderer.

40 CARLA JO: Well, how were we supposed to know that those weapons were fake? They look pretty real to me. 36 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 CHRISTINE: (To CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE.) How did you fi nd these prop weapons, anyway? COSTUMED GUEST: These two creatures snuck into my room just now. (Indicates RHONDA MAE.) That one sat on me— (Indicates 5 CARLA JO.) —while that one started going through my bag. FREDDIE: (To CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE.) And why did you do that? CARLA JO: Well, you don’t expect us to just sit back and let a murderer run around this place, do you? RHONDA MAE: We decided to take matters into our own hands and 10 try to fi nd him ourselves. CARLA JO: Who knows what kind of evidence we could fi nd if we searched all of the rooms. FREDDIE: How did you even get into Yak Man’s room? I told everyone to lock their doors. 15 COSTUMED GUEST: The door was locked. RHONDA MAE: What? You think I can’t break a lock? CARLA JO: Yak Man’s room was the fi rst one we busted into, and sure enough, we found weapons. COSTUMED GUEST: Prop weapons. 20 CARLA JO: Fine, you little buffalo wing. You win this time. RHONDA MAE: You know, Carla Jo, it’s too bad them weapons is fake. Those crazy things look like they could blast any squirrel we came across into bits.

CARLA JO: Maybe we’ll ﬁ nd some real evidence in the next room we 25 search. (She and RHONDA MAE start toward UP RIGHT.)

FREDDIE: (To CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE.) I think it’s best if you just go back to your room—your own room.

CHRISTINE: I don’t think the other guests would appreciate you looking through their belongings. (CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE

30 return to COSTUMED GUEST’S suitcase and begin to play with the

clothing.)

COSTUMED GUEST: They most certainly would not. (To CARLA JO and

RHONDA MAE.) Can you get your hands off of my uniforms? They

take me a long time to sew.

35 CARLA JO: (Pulls plastic wrap out of the suitcase.) Say, what’s this plastic wrap for?

COSTUMED GUEST: That’s in case one of my uniforms needs an

invisible cloak.

CARLA JO: (Hands the suitcase back to COSTUMED GUEST.) Uh… here

you go.

For preview only

1 FREDDIE: Now that we have everything settled, you should all return to your rooms. Remember, there is a murderer with real weapons staying here. (CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE EXIT UP LEFT and COSTUMED GUEST EXITS UP RIGHT.) 5 NEIL: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with MOLLY, MINNIE, BEATRICE and CONNIE.) Freddie, I need to talk to you. BEATRICE: We’ve got a problem here, Sherlock. FREDDIE: Wait, Neil, how did you and Molly and Minnie get into the kitchen? You didn’t come through here. 10 NEIL: We went into the kitchen through the dining room. FREDDIE: What were the three of you doing in the dining room in the fi rst place? I told you to stay in your rooms. NEIL: Molly and Minnie were hungry and wanted a snack. We went to see if we could fi nd any leftovers. But everything was already 15 cleaned up. CHRISTINE: We just fi nished supper! NEIL: What can I say? The mimes get hungry. (MOLLY and MINNIE pantomime hunger.) BEATRICE: (Indicates NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE.) These three were 20 eavesdropping on us! NEIL: We were doing nothing of the sort. We merely walked into the kitchen and overheard a conversation—a very interesting conversation that I think will be very useful to your investigation, Freddie.

25 CONNIE: Oh, dear! BEATRICE: Don’t believe a word he says! FREDDIE: Beatrice, please. Go on, Neil. NEIL: When we were in the dining room, I could hear Connie and Beatrice having a heated conversation in the kitchen. I put my ear 30 up to the door to try to ﬁ gure out what was going on. That’s when I heard Connie tell Beatrice that Mrs. Wilcox was the nastiest woman she had ever worked for. CONNIE: Well, it’s true! This is my ﬁ rst day on the job, and you should have seen how Mrs. Wilcox treated me. 35 NEIL: I only met the woman for a few moments, but Mrs. Wilcox seemed like one of the sweetest old ladies I’ve ever come across. BEATRICE: You were never under her thumb! NEIL: As we entered the kitchen, Beatrice said, and I quote, “The old windbag got her just desserts.” 40 CONNIE: Oh, dear! BEATRICE: It’s true. I said it.

38 For preview only

1 NEIL: You see, it’s clear that one of these two murdered Mrs. Wilcox. And probably the others. In fact, Beatrice and Connie may be in on this together. CONNIE: I am not a murderer! 5 BEATRICE: And neither am I. I would never murder anyone. I was just venting my frustrations about my employer. I’d like to hear what your little minions have to say about you when you’re not around. (MOLLY and MINNIE nod in agreement with BEATRICE. NEIL turns toward MOLLY and MINNIE. They stop nodding in agreement and 10 begin to shake their heads as if they never speak badly of NEIL behind his back.) NEIL: How do we know Beatrice and Connie are telling the truth? BEATRICE: I’ve been cooking at Wilcox’s Western Bed and Breakfast for almost 20 years. Do you really think I would have waited this 15 long if I wanted to murder Mrs. Wilcox? CHRISTINE: She has a point. NEIL: Maybe tonight you snapped. You did tell Joel that there’s only so much you can take. BEATRICE: Well, why were you in the kitchen, anyway? Aren’t the three 20 of you staying in three separate rooms? If Molly and Minnie were hungry, why did you come along? NEIL: Molly and Minnie don’t speak. They need me to help translate their actions into words. BEATRICE: A likely story. 25 CONNIE: Oh, dear! FREDDIE: It does no good to stand here and blame one another. Now Neil, Molly and Minnie, go back to your rooms. And stay put this time. BEATRICE: We’ll ﬁ nish up in the kitchen. (To NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE.) 30 Hopefully, no one else will decide to spy on us. NEIL: (Angry.) Come on, kids. BEATRICE: (Even angrier.) Come on, Connie! (Mutters.) Stupid… (NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE EXIT UP RIGHT. BEATRICE and CONNIE EXIT DOWN LEFT.) 35 FREDDIE: Let’s hope that’s the last interruption. JOEL: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Freddie— FREDDIE: Ugh! Now what? JOEL: This is urgent. I was sitting in my room trying to get some writing done in peace and quiet. I had to move from the lumpy chair by the 40 bed to the even lumpier chair next to the window. It looked softer than the chair by the bed, but looks can be deceiving, let me tell you. I will have to include that in my review— 39 For preview only

1 CHRISTINE: Joel, you said this was urgent? JOEL: Yes, anyway, when I moved to the chair by the window, I noticed I could faintly hear voices in Robert’s room. His room is right next to mine, you see, and I could hear the voices through the heating 5 vent by the window.

FREDDIE: Was Robert talking about the murders?

JOEL: I’m not sure. I couldn’t make out words, only voices. FREDDIE: What’s so urgent about that? JOEL: Notice I said voices. Plural. Robert has someone in his room 10 with him. FREDDIE: Who? JOEL: I’m not sure. It sounded like a woman, but we know it can’t be his wife. FREDDIE: Why not? 15 JOEL: She’s in the freezer. CHRISTINE: (To FREDDIE.) Remember that little incident with the riﬂ e, pumpkin? FREDDIE: Oh, right, right. Interesting observation, Joel. (To CHRISTINE.) What should I do? 20 CHRISTINE: Go and see who Robert has in his room, cupcake. FREDDIE: Good idea. (EXITS UP RIGHT.) JOEL: I don’t like this situation. Not one bit. CHRISTINE: I’m sure there is a logical explanation for why Robert has someone in the room with him. 25 JOEL: There has been nothing logical going on in this place all evening. FREDDIE: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with ROBERT and SUZANNE, who is wearing an evening gown again.) Look who I found in Robert’s room. CHRISTINE: Suzanne? SUZANNE: (To CHRISTINE and JOEL.) You wanted to see us, darlings? 30 CHRISTINE: What were you doing in Robert’s room? SUZANNE: Well, I… ROBERT: (To SUZANNE.) No, don’t say a word. (To CHRISTINE.) It’s none of your business what we were doing in my room. FREDDIE: You were told to stay in your own rooms. 35 CHRISTINE: Do you realize how suspicious this looks? SUZANNE: What’s suspicious about this? Robert and I were only having a little discussion, darling. CHRISTINE: You don’t think there’s anything suspicious about two people whose spouses have just been murdered getting together for a secret conversation? 40 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 SUZANNE: No. JOEL: I’ll bet a murderous plan was in the works. ROBERT: That sounds like an accusation. JOEL: It is an accusation. 5 ROBERT: How dare you accuse me of murder? FREDDIE: You wouldn’t be accused of anything if you had just stayed in your rooms like you were told to. CHRISTINE: Doesn’t anyone follow directions anymore? (LOLA sneaks IN UP LEFT, carrying a three foot long length of two-by-four which 10 she wields like a club.) FREDDIE: (Notices LOLA and quickly turns away from her.) Lola, what are you doing with that two-by-four? LOLA: Freddie, I am so sorry to startle you. I am here on business. CHRISTINE: Business?

15 LOLA: Yes, I was sitting in my room with nothing to do on account of my missing knitting needle, and it struck me like lightning. I should help you catch the murderer. (To FREDDIE.) I will be your assistant. CHRISTINE: Freddie already has an assistant. LOLA: Who? 20 CHRISTINE: Me. LOLA: Oh. JOEL: The girl is carrying a giant board. LOLA: It’s for protection, of course. You don’t think I’m going to let some murderer come and murder me with my own knitting needle, 25 do you? CHRISTINE: It wouldn’t bother me. SUZANNE: (To CHRISTINE.) You are too funny, darling.

LOLA: (Waves the two-by-four around. EVERYONE has to move out of the way to avoid being hit.) No, I’d whack that murderer right in the

30 head before he even got close. FREDDIE: That’s it. We can’t have everyone in and out of their rooms like this. And carrying around weapons, no less. Someone is going to get hurt. CHRISTINE: Or murdered.

35 FREDDIE: Suzanne, Robert, why don’t the two of you gather the other guests and bring them out here. We need to have a bed and breakfast meeting. (SUZANNE and ROBERT EXIT UP LEFT. GRETCHEN, RACHEL and STEFAN ENTER DOWN LEFT. STEFAN wears a bathrobe.)

For preview only

1 GRETCHEN: Hold it. (EVERYONE [who is alive] FREEZES. Indicates AUDIENCE.) Stefan, you haven’t met our friends, have you? They’re helping us help Freddie. STEFAN: (To AUDIENCE.) Hello, everyone. 5 RACHEL: We need to ﬁ gure out who the murderer is before anyone else is, well, murdered. It’s crowded enough in that freezer with the three of us. I can’t imagine trying to squeeze another body in there. GRETCHEN: (To AUDIENCE.) Well, what’s going on now? (AUDIENCE responds about the meeting.) A meeting? Hmm… I wonder what 10 they’re going to discuss. Let’s see, shall we? Resume. (EVERYONE UNFREEZES. SUZANNE, NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE ENTER UP RIGHT.) FREDDIE: (Calls DOWN LEFT.) Beatrice, Connie, come out here for a minute, please. NEIL: What’s the meaning of this? A bed and breakfast meeting? 15 FREDDIE: Take a seat, Neil. (NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE sit in the main seating area. ROBERT, COSTUMED GUEST, CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE ENTER UP RIGHT. BEATRICE and CONNIE ENTER DOWN LEFT.) CARLA JO: I haven’t been in any more rooms. I swear it. FREDDIE: Thank you. I called all of you out here to discuss something 20 important. After supper you were asked to return to your rooms and stay put. And none of you listened. COSTUMED GUEST: (Looks at CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE.) Well, some of us were dragged out here against our will. CARLA JO: Well, some of us thought we had reason to drag others out 25 here against their will. FREDDIE: I know you all have your reasons. But you need to realize that three people have been murdered. We don’t know if the murderer will strike again. CHRISTINE: And the murderer is someone in this room. 30 NEIL: If you ask me, I think it’s Beatrice or Connie or maybe even both. We overheard them talking and— CHRISTINE: Yes, we know. Some of you suspect each other, and for good reason. I think the best thing to do would be to air out all of our suspicions. Who knows, it may help Freddie get closer to 35 discovering the murderer. FREDDIE: Yes, I think that’s a good idea. JOEL: Can I start? FREDDIE: You may have the ﬂ oor, Joel. JOEL: As I already told Freddie and Christine, while in my room a few 40 minutes ago, I overheard Suzanne having a discussion with Robert in his room.

42 For preview only

1 SUZANNE: There’s nothing suspicious about the two of us having a discussion. JOEL: You were found together when you had been told to stay in your own rooms. 5 RHONDA MAE: That sounds mighty suspicious to me. Did anyone ever think that maybe these two were in on the murders together? (To SUZANNE.) Isn’t it funny that shortly after your husband was found ﬁ ddlin’ with another woman, he winds up dead? SUZANNE: If you really want to know the truth, Stefan and I weren’t 10 even a couple anymore. RACHEL: (To STEFAN.) Is she telling the truth? STEFAN: I’m afraid so.

SUZANNE: Don’t look so shocked, everyone. Stefan and I were

married for business purposes only. We act together as a pair. We

15 needed each other for our careers to survive. I wasn’t angry when

I found him with Connie. He was only my husband. You think I was

in love with him?

CARLA JO: You sure seemed mighty angry to me. SUZANNE: It’s called acting. I’ve found Stefan with plenty of women 20 over the years. And he’s found me with plenty of men. Our marriage was purely for show. Sure, our relationship began with love and affection, but the love was gone a long time ago. Since we had

already established ourselves as a husband-and-wife acting duo by the time the marriage crumbled, we decided to remain together.

25 You can’t very well keep the slogan “partners on stage and off” if audiences don’t believe you’re a couple. FREDDIE: So why were you in Robert’s room? Are you with Robert now?

ROBERT: No. Are you forgetting we’re here for a family reunion? Suzanne is my cousin. Well, she’s my wife’s cousin’s wife. I

30 suppose that makes us cousins-in-law.

SUZANNE: I was in Robert’s room consoling him. His wife has just been murdered, after all. RHONDA MAE: Sounds as ﬁ shy as a two-ton pile of crab cakes.

ROBERT: Maybe it does, but it’s the truth.

35 CARLA JO: If the two of you are havin’ an affair, you would both be free of plenty of burdens with your spouses out of the way.

SUZANNE: We’re not having an affair. And even if we were, why would we want Aunt Gretchen dead?

NEIL: If anyone wanted Mrs. Wilcox dead, it was those two. (Points to

40 CONNIE and BEATRICE.) I overheard them talking in the kitchen. They said the old lady deserved to get murdered. GRETCHEN: Oh, really now? 43 For preview only

1 BEATRICE: Even if I said she got what she deserved, I don’t remember saying that I was the one who gave it to her. CONNIE: That’s right! BEATRICE: It’s perfectly possible to dislike a woman without murdering 5 her. CONNIE: That’s right! BEATRICE: I may have spit in her morning coffee a couple of times, but that’s it! CONNIE: That’s right! (Realizes what was just said.) Ew! 10 GRETCHEN: (To BEATRICE.) I knew you were up to something, Ms. Googleheimer! COSTUMED GUEST: Maybe after years and years of considering murder, Beatrice ﬁ nally decided it was time to be rid of Gretchen Wilcox once and for all. 15 BEATRICE: Why wouldn’t I have just found another place to work if I disliked Mrs. Wilcox that much? The old bag may not have been my favorite person, but I’m no murderer.

CONNIE: And why would we murder Dr. Shanklin and Mr. Livingston? Neither of us had a problem with either of them.

20 NEIL: Joel had a problem with Stefan. His reviews of Stefan in “Theatre Monthly” were downright horrible.

STEFAN: They certainly were. JOEL: Wouldn’t that make Stefan want to murder me as opposed to making me want to murder Stefan? 25 NEIL: Not necessarily. Why don’t you tell everyone why you’re no longer a theater critic? JOEL: I wanted a career change. I thought critiquing hotels sounded more appealing. NEIL: (Indicates MOLLY and MINNIE.) Are you forgetting that we also 30 work in the entertainment industry, Joel? We hear the gossip. The real reason your career ended as a theater critic is because

you were ﬁ red—tossed out on your behind without even a “See you later.” Too many of the plays you were ripping apart in your columns went on to become great hits. Your opinion in the theater 35 community was no longer valued. JOEL: I don’t see what that has to do with anything. NEIL: Maybe you wanted revenge for being let go from your job with “Theatre Monthly.” Maybe you secretly blamed the success of actors like Stefan for your failure. 40 JOEL: Then why didn’t I murder Suzanne as well? And why would I murder Gretchen and Rachel? If you ask me, it’s the three of you

44 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 who look suspicious here. You’ve been running around this place all evening. NEIL: Molly and Minnie have been looking for food. BEATRICE: How much food can mimes eat, anyway? It would make 5 perfect sense if one of you was the murderer. You’ve been in and out of the kitchen with access to the knives, and who knows where else you’ve been lurking when no one was paying attention. Perhaps by the cabinet to steal the gun. You were spying on me and Connie in the kitchen. Maybe you were spying on other guests 10 as well, waiting for the perfect opportunity to commit murder.

NEIL: And what was our motive? BEATRICE: Give me time. I’ll come up with something. COSTUMED GUEST: If you think sneaking around is suspicious, you should talk to those two. (Indicates CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE.) 15 They came barging into my room a few minutes ago and attacked me. Then they started snooping through my suitcase. They could have easily been snooping in other people’s rooms. Sounds like an easy way to come across some murder weapons to me. CARLA JO: We weren’t snoopin’ to steal, we were snoopin’ to protect. 20 COSTUMED GUEST: So you claim. RHONDA MAE: Why would we want to commit murder? CONNIE: That’s easy. One of you murdered Mrs. Wilcox as revenge for locking up your gun. CARLA JO: Do you really think we would stoop so low as to murder 25 someone over that? CONNIE: (To CARLA JO.) You were pretty upset that your right to bear arms had been violated. (To LOLA.) But you were quite upset about something, too, Lola. BEATRICE: That’s right. Rachel was wearing an animal skin, and that 30 made you angrier than a bull.

LOLA: I am against killing animals, and that includes humans. Even

those who wear animal skins.

ROBERT: We’re all pointing ﬁ ngers, but nobody has mentioned the fact that Yak Man over here is looking very suspicious.

35 COSTUMED GUEST: How do I look suspicious?

ROBERT: You read all of those comic books ﬁ lled with violence. You must know an awful lot about how to murder someone. COSTUMED GUEST: Only if the murder is from supersonic force or techno laser beams. I don’t know anything about knives or guns or electricity.

For preview only

1 ROBERT: You seem like the perfect murder suspect to me. You wear a variety of costumes. COSTUMED GUEST: Uniforms! ROBERT: You become different comic book characters. Is one of 5 those characters a murderer? COSTUMED GUEST: Never!

ROBERT: Maybe you want to be the ultimate villain. A murderer could

very easily be hiding underneath all of your uniforms. We don’t even know your real name. 10 COSTUMED GUEST: Neither do I. I’ve been living as different comic book characters for so long I can’t even remember who I really am. I think my name used to be Jacobs—something Jacobs. ROBERT: You can’t honestly expect us to believe that you don’t remember your own name. 15 COSTUMED GUEST: If you’re going to point the ﬁ nger at me just because no one else is, then why not point the ﬁ nger at the two people who haven’t been accused yet—Freddie and Christine. CHRISTINE: Us? COSTUMED GUEST: How come the two of you get to run the show 20 while the rest of us sit around accusing one another? CARLA JO: Good point. FREDDIE: It couldn’t be us. Why would it be us? JOEL: It does seem awfully suspicious that the two of you keep insisting that we stay in our rooms, all the while having free reign

25 over the rest of the bed and breakfast.

CHRISTINE: But I would never! And fuzzy-wuzzy Freddie is too sweet

to hurt a ﬂ y!

FREDDIE: This is ridiculous. When Aunt Gretchen, Rachel and Stefan were murdered, Christine and I were both in this room. 30 SUZANNE: That’s true. They were both in here when Aunt Gretchen was stabbed in the hallway. It isn’t possible for them to have murdered her. ROBERT: And they were here right after Rachel was murdered. So it wasn’t either of them who shoved past Connie and Stefan outside 35 the linen closet. CONNIE: Freddie and Christine were also in this room when the fuse popped. That means they didn’t murder Stefan, either. CHRISTINE: It couldn’t be us, but it could have been any of you. Some of you have the motive to murder, and some of you have the 40 opportunity. Freddie, what you need to ﬁ gure out is who had both

the motive and the opportunity.

46 For preview only 1 FREDDIE: Yes, but I don’t know how to do that. GRETCHEN: Hold it. (EVERYONE [who is alive] FREEZES. To RACHEL and STEFAN.) This guy needs our help. RACHEL: What should we do? 5 STEFAN: Well, in the murder mysteries that I’ve been in, there’s always a scene where the detective questions the suspects. GRETCHEN: (Indicates FREDDIE.) But this bonehead doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. He’ll never know what questions to ask. RACHEL: Maybe we can help him ﬁ gure it out. 10 GRETCHEN: Good idea. It’s almost like a game, and you know how I like games. I have a notebook around here somewhere. (Goes to the check-in desk and gets a notebook and a pen. Indicates AUDIENCE.) We’ll get these folks to help us come up with some questions that we think Freddie should ask the suspects. 15 STEFAN: You mean, we’re going to meddle from beyond the grave? GRETCHEN: We’ve been doing it all night. RACHEL: It’s fun! I’ll jot down the questions. I’m used to writing quickly from taking research notes in the ﬁ eld. STEFAN: What do you want me to do?

20 GRETCHEN: Stefan, you just stand there and look pretty like you always do. (Indicates AUDIENCE.) I’ll handle these folks. (To AUDIENCE.)

Now, do any of you have a question that you think Freddie should ask the suspects? (GRETCHEN takes questions from AUDIENCE while RACHEL writes them down in the notebook. After collecting 25 enough questions…) Good, thank you. I think we have enough questions for now. STEFAN: How do we get Freddie to ask these questions? GRETCHEN: Oh, that’s easy. (Places the notebook in FREDDIE’S hand.) Resume. (EVERYONE UNFREEZES.) 30 FREDDIE: (Looks at the notebook.) What’s this? CHRISTINE: (Looks at the notebook.) Why, it looks like interrogation questions. Aw! Did you come up with these all by yourself? FREDDIE: Well, I— CHRISTINE: You said you don’t know what to do, but you know exactly 35 what to do, my little Sherlock Holmes. FREDDIE: What can I say? All right. Let’s see, the ﬁ rst question is for… (Asks the questions in the notebook while actors improvise answers. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Well, those are all of the questions I have.

47 For preview only

1 CHRISTINE: Do you have any idea who the murderer is? FREDDIE: Not a clue. JOEL: (Sarcastic.) There’s a surprise. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER and RAIN. BLACKOUT.) End of Scene One

ACT TWO Scene Two 5 LIGHTS UP: That night. FREDDIE and CHRISTINE are alone. FREDDIE: Are you sure this is going to work? CHRISTINE: Do you have a better idea? FREDDIE: I just don’t want anything to happen to you. CHRISTINE: Don’t worry, I’ll be ﬁ ne. Think about it. If I’m being targeted 10 for murder, the best thing to do is to leave me alone as bait. FREDDIE: But suppose the murderer really does try to attack you? CHRISTINE: I’ll be ﬁ ne. If you go back to our room, the murderer will know I’m out here alone and come after me. FREDDIE: The only problem is you will be out here alone. No one will 15 be here to protect you. CHRISTINE: I can protect myself. When you get into the hallway, make sure everyone knows that you’re going to bed and that I’m in here all by myself. FREDDIE: (Still unsure.) All right… (EXITS UP LEFT.) 20 FREDDIE’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE. Loud, as if he is making it a point to be heard.) Well, good night, dear. I’ll be sleeping in our room if you need me. CHRISTINE: (Loud.) Sweet dreams, sugar bear. (Normal. To herself.) Now, I just need to wait. (Walks to the bookshelf and picks up a 25 book. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. Jumps, startled, and then sits in the main seating area.)

JOEL: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Hello, Christine. I didn’t realize anyone was still awake. CHRISTINE: Joel, what are you doing out of your room? 30 JOEL: I just wanted to stretch my legs. CHRISTINE: Freddie’s going to be awfully upset if he catches you out here. JOEL: I’ll take my chances. CHRISTINE: (Notices a handle of some sort hanging from JOEL’S belt 35 in back.) Joel, is that a knife on your belt? JOEL: Of course not.

48 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 CHRISTINE: (Breathes a sigh of relief.) Oh. JOEL: (Pulls out a hatchet.) It’s a hatchet. CHRISTINE: Why on earth are you carrying around a hatchet? JOEL: (Approaches CHRISTINE.) Why do you think? 5 CHRISTINE: Oh, please, don’t hurt me, Joel! Stop! Help! JOEL: (Steps closer to CHRISTINE.) Shh! No! I can explain! CHRISTINE: (Throws a pillow from the loveseat at JOEL.) Don’t come near me! Don’t you dare! JOEL: Christine! Listen to me! 10 CHRISTINE: (Grabs lamp from end table and threatens JOEL with it.) I won’t listen to anything you say! Now get away from me! JOEL: But— CHRISTINE: Get away! (Begins to beat JOEL with the lamp.) BEATRICE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT.) What’s going on? Christine! (Pulls 15 CHRISTINE away and turns to JOEL. Sees the hatchet, screams and runs to CHRISTINE.) Please don’t hurt us! JOEL: I’m not going to hurt anyone. (CONNIE ENTERS DOWN LEFT, eating a piece of cake on a paper plate. She drops the cake upon seeing the situation, then immediately picks it up.)

20 BEATRICE: Take Connie! She’s young and fresh. She barely has a brain. She probably can’t feel pain.

CONNIE: Oh, dear!

JOEL: (Approaches CHRISTINE and BEATRICE.) Stop! This is only for

protection! You don’t think I would walk around alone without 25 some sort of self-defense, do you? You might try to hurt me.

CHRISTINE: Oh, that’s ridiculous! How on earth could I hurt you? (CONNIE and BEATRICE look at the lamp in CHRISTINE’S hands.) Oh. (Sets lamp down.)

CARLA JO: (ENTERS UP LEFT with RHONDA MAE. They see the hatchet

30 in JOEL’S hand.) A hatchet! Get him! (RHONDA MAE grabs the hatchet from JOEL as CARLA JO grabs the piece of cake from CONNIE. CARLA JO runs to JOEL, attempting to clobber him in the face with the cake. JOEL ducks and the cake hits RHONDA MAE in the face.) 35 RHONDA MAE: (Staggers, blinded by the frosting in her eyes, swinging the hatchet.) Carla Jo! I can’t see! I can’t see! RACHEL: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with GRETCHEN and STEFAN. They see RHONDA MAE swinging the hatchet around.) Such bedlam! GRETCHEN: Quick! Take cover under the desk. (Hides behind the check-in desk with RACHEL and STEFAN. CARLA JO, CHRISTINE,

For preview only

1 BEATRICE, JOEL and CONNIE run frantically from RHONDA MAE as she staggers across the stage. NEIL, MOLLY and MINNIE ENTER UP RIGHT.) NEIL: What in the world?! 5 CHRISTINE: Rhonda Mae can’t see what she’s doing. NEIL: Kids! Get some water! (MOLLY grabs a vase off the check-in desk, pulls out the ﬂ owers and hands the vase to MINNIE, who hands it to NEIL. He winds up to toss the water on RHONDA MAE’S face. COSTUMED GUEST ENTERS UP LEFT, dressed as Princess Gracie

10 Gumdrop and spots NEIL starting to throw water at RHONDA MAE.)

COSTUMED GUEST: Golly gee! Don’t hurt her! (Runs toward RHONDA MAE, trying to save her. He tackles her to the ground just as NEIL throws the water, which hits CONNIE.) CONNIE: Oh, dear! (CHRISTINE and BEATRICE console a crying CONNIE.) 15 LOLA: (ENTERS UP LEFT on her hands and knees, looking for her knitting needle.) I just want to knit! I need my knitting needle. SUZANNE: (ENTERS UP LEFT with ROBERT.) Why is everyone yelling? ROBERT: It sounds as if the storm has moved inside. JOEL: I think it was all a big misunderstanding. I accidentally frightened 20 Christine, and then Beatrice and Connie came out of the kitchen. And— CHRISTINE: And I guess everyone came to see what all the noise was. And it caused a big commotion. And… (Notices COSTUMED GUEST.) Which comic book character are you supposed to be now, 25 Mr. Jacobs? (ALL look at COSTUMED GUEST.) COSTUMED GUEST: Clearly, I’m Princess Gracie Gumdrop. (Silence as ALL stare at him, confused.) Come on—princess and heir to the throne in the land of Sugar Town? (EVERYONE continues to stare in silence.) Not every comic book is about superheroes! 30 CARLA JO: I’m speechless. JOEL: That’s a ﬁ rst. FREDDIE’S VOICE: (OFF UP LEFT.) Christine, is everything all right out there? CHRISTINE: (To EVERYONE.) You all better get back to your rooms. If 35 Freddie sees you out here, he’s going to be really mad. (ALL except CHRISTINE, BEATRICE and CONNIE EXIT UP RIGHT. BEATRICE and CONNIE start toward DOWN LEFT. FREDDIE ENTERS UP LEFT before BEATRICE and CONNIE leave.) FREDDIE: Beatrice, Connie, what are you doing out here?

50 For preview only

1 BEATRICE: Uh… (Begins scraping cake off the fl oor.) We just came to see if Christine wanted a piece of cake. FREDDIE: That cake has seen better days. BEATRICE: We’ll just leave it here on the table in case you get hungry. 5 (Places the cake on table. To CONNIE.) Let’s go get you a towel from the linen closet, Connie. You made such a mess with your midnight snack. (Mutters.) Stupid… (EXITS UP LEFT with CONNIE.) FREDDIE: Are you all right? I thought for sure with all of that noise I’d come out and see you wrestling with the murderer. 10 CHRISTINE: Oh, everything was fi ne. Connie just had a little accident with a piece of cake, that’s all. I guess we’re no closer to catching the murderer than we were at the start. FREDDIE: I think we should take our own advice, return to our room and wait until the morning. By then, the storm should be over. 15 CHRISTINE: I suppose you’re right. We amateurs will never fi gure out who is murdering the family and writing those creepy poems. FREDDIE: (As if he has had a stroke of genius.) The poems. That’s it. That’s it! I know who the murderer is! CHRISTINE: You do? 20 FREDDIE: I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. CHRISTINE: Who is it?

FREDDIE: I’ll tell you in a minute. For now, we need to bring everyone

in here. We won’t tell them I’ve discovered the murderer. We’ll just say I need to ask a few more questions. (EXITS UP LEFT with 25 CHRISTINE.) STEFAN: (Comes out from behind the check-in desk with GRETCHEN and RACHEL.) Do you think Freddie really knows who murdered us? RACHEL: It sure sounds like he does. This is most exciting! GRETCHEN: (Pulls out a tub of popcorn from behind the check-in desk.) 30 I’ll say! It’s a good thing I had already prepared some popcorn for tomorrow’s movie night. RACHEL: (Indicates seating areas on the stage.) Where is the best seat in the house, Aunt Gretchen? I want to be able to see the action. GRETCHEN: (Indicates AUDIENCE.) Let’s sit out there with our friends. 35 They look like they have a nice view. (Heads into the AUDIENCE with RACHEL and STEFAN. GRETCHEN goes directly to an empty seat, while RACHEL and STEFAN stop to chat with a few AUDIENCE MEMBERS. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) RACHEL: (To AUDIENCE MEMBER.) Who do you think the murderer is, 40 sir/ma’am? (AUDIENCE MEMBER responds.) That sounds like a good guess.

51 For preview only

1 STEFAN: (To another AUDIENCE MEMBER.) What about you, sir/ ma’am? Who do you think it is? (AUDIENCE MEMBER responds.) Could be. GRETCHEN: Will the two of you shut your yappers? Sit down. I don’t 5 want to miss a minute of this. (Munches on popcorn.) This is more exciting than anything that happens on daytime television. STEFAN: Sorry, Aunt Gretchen. (He and RACHEL sit with GRETCHEN. CARLA JO, RHONDA MAE, JOEL, CHRISTINE, CONNIE, BEATRICE, SUZANNE and LOLA ENTER UP LEFT. CONNIE has a towel in her 10 hands. ROBERT, FREDDIE, NEIL, MOLLY, MINNIE and COSTUMED GUEST ENTER UP RIGHT.)

CARLA JO: It’s awfully late, Mr. Franklin. I need my beauty sleep.

JOEL: You certainly do.

RHONDA MAE: (To JOEL.) Keep your trap shut. One more nasty remark 15 about my sister, and I’ll make sure it’s the last nasty remark you ever make. SUZANNE: (To RHONDA MAE.) What are you going to do, murder him? FREDDIE: Enough, everyone. We’ve had nothing but threats and accusations all evening, and it hasn’t solved a thing. 20 NEIL: I don’t see what good any more questioning will do. FREDDIE: Instead of asking questions, I’ve decided we should role play. CONNIE: What’s role play? COSTUMED GUEST: It’s like acting. SUZANNE: Now there’s something I’m good at. 25 JOEL: In your opinion. SUZANNE: (To JOEL.) You know, I’m just going to act like I didn’t hear you say that. (To FREDDIE.) How can I help, darling? FREDDIE: I’m afraid I won’t need your assistance for this, Suzanne. I’d like to use our mime friends to help act out each murder. (MOLLY 30 and MINNIE pantomime being eager to role play.) NEIL: Just a minute. As manager for Molly and Minnie, I’d like to ask how they’re going to be compensated for this performance. FREDDIE: Isn’t it compensation enough knowing that they could help catch a murderer? And that it could keep you alive?

35 NEIL: Sounds good to me. They’re all yours.

FREDDIE: I’d like Minnie to act as Aunt Gretchen in this ﬁ rst role play. (To

MINNIE.) Pretend you’re walking down the hallway, just minding your

own business. Molly, you will play the murderer. (MINNIE pantomimes

walking down a hallway, while MOLLY pantomimes sneaking around a

corner, stabbing MINNIE from behind and writing a note.)

52 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 SUZANNE: Superb performance. JOEL: I must admit, even I was pleasantly surprised. SUZANNE: The subtle nuances were magniﬁ cent. FREDDIE: Now, it’s time for the second role play. Minnie, this time

5 you will play the murderer, and Molly will play Rachel. (MOLLY pantomimes walking around with a book in her hands, while MINNIE pantomimes tearing a hole in the painting, sticking a riﬂ e through the hole, shooting MOLLY and writing a note.) LOLA: That was even better than the ﬁ rst role play.

10 SUZANNE: I agree. Wonderful performance. But I just don’t see how this is helping. FREDDIE: Perhaps another role play will spark something new. Molly, you go back to playing the murderer, and Minnie, you play Stefan in the bathtub. (MINNIE pantomimes bathing in a bathtub, while 15 MOLLY pantomimes sneaking into the room, plugging a laptop into the wall and throwing it into the water, electrocuting MINNIE.) Don’t forget to write the poem. (MOLLY pantomimes writing a note and throwing it on the ﬂ oor.) Good! Now, Molly, you play the murderer again, and Minnie will play Christine. 20 CHRISTINE: (Quietly, to FREDDIE.) Sweetie pie, there hasn’t— FREDDIE: Shh! (MINNIE looks confused, but MOLLY continues to pantomime as if she knows exactly how CHRISTINE would be murdered. She pantomimes taking a rope, wrapping it around

MINNIE’S neck and strangling her. This is MOLLY’S most enthusiastic

25 performance thus far. She continues to pretend to strangle MINNIE

until she realizes what she is doing. EVERYONE is silent as they

stare at her.)

CONNIE: Oh, dear!

SUZANNE: How did she…?

30 FREDDIE: A rope? Very interesting. So, Molly, is that how you planned

to murder Christine? (MOLLY pantomimes innocence.) Don’t play

innocent here. It was you who murdered Aunt Gretchen, Rachel and Stefan.

MOLLY: You have no proof. (EVERYONE gasps.)

35 NEIL: (To MOLLY.) Hey, mimes are supposed to be seen and not heard! It’s in your contract.

MOLLY: Save it. I’m being accused of murder here.

FREDDIE: It all makes sense. Who would suspect a mime of murder? You look harmless enough, and you certainly never made any 40 verbal threats. NEIL: Then how do you know Molly is the murderer?

For preview only

1 FREDDIE: (Pulls out the murder notes from his pocket.) The poems. NEIL: Don’t tell me you’re some type of handwriting analyst. FREDDIE: No, but I’m not color-blind. The poems were written in a very distinct orange ink. The same color ink that’s on Molly’s glove. 5 (Grabs MOLLY’S hand and shows the glove to EVERYONE.) MOLLY: That’s just cake frosting from dessert. You said so yourself. FREDDIE: That’s what I originally thought. (Picks up the piece of cake on the table CENTER LEFT.) But then I realized there was no orange frosting on the cake. The orange stain on your glove has to be 10 from a felt-tipped pen. The same felt-tipped pen used to write the poems. MOLLY: You’re not as dumb as you look, Freddie. FREDDIE: Thank you. MOLLY: Now, we have just one tiny problem. You’re going to have to

15 die. All of you! (Pulls a gun out of her pocket.) CARLA JO: What did we do?

MOLLY: You know too much. Do you think I can let any of you live

knowing I’m the one responsible for three deaths?

BEATRICE: If you murder all of us, you’ll be responsible for even more

20 deaths.

MOLLY: And who’s going to tell on me?

SUZANNE: She brings up a good point.

CHRISTINE: Why did you murder Aunt Gretchen?

ROBERT: And Rachel?

25 SUZANNE: And Stefan? FREDDIE: That’s the one piece of the puzzle I haven’t been able to ﬁ gure out. MOLLY: Maybe this will help you. (Grabs the towel from CONNIE and wipes off her white face makeup. She crosses to CHRISTINE.) Do 30 you recognize me? CHRISTINE: No. MOLLY: That’s exactly the problem. I’m your cousin Molly. FREDDIE: Another relative? CHRISTINE: Cousin Molly. You mean Aunt Henrietta’s daughter? I 35 didn’t know you were in show business. MOLLY: You didn’t know me at all. Nobody ever took the time to know me.

CHRISTINE: (To FREDDIE.) Many years ago, back when I was only four or ﬁ ve, Aunt Henrietta had a falling out with her four sisters. No one has spoken to or about Aunt Henrietta or her husband or

54 For preview only

1 daughter since. (To MOLLY.) I haven’t seen you since you were just a little girl. How have you been? MOLLY: Not bad. Yourself? CHRISTINE: Fine, thank you. 5 MOLLY: Do you know how lonely a life it is when you’re shunned by your entire family—the people who are supposed to love you and care for you? When I heard that a family reunion was being planned, I waited for an invitation. The weeks went by, and when I never received one, I knew I’d have to crash the party. I decided it 10 was time to get revenge on the very people who made me feel so

rotten for all those years.

CHRISTINE: So it’s true. You were planning to murder me next.

MOLLY: Yes. In fact, I’m going to do that right now. (Points the gun at CHRISTINE.)

15 CHRISTINE: Isn’t there some way we can work this out? Haven’t you heard of the win-win guidelines? MOLLY: It’s too late for that. CHRISTINE: Somebody, do something. COSTUMED GUEST: (Pulls a toy gun from his pocket.) Stand back, 20 everyone. CARLA JO: Volunteerin’ to be the ﬁ rst one murdered. I always knew he was one crazy Yankee. FREDDIE: Listen, Princess, put that toy down! This isn’t a comic book, it’s real life! 25 MOLLY: Does that gun work? COSTUMED GUEST: No, it’s just a prop I purchased at a comic book convention. But I can still defeat you with it. MOLLY: And you expect to do that how? COSTUMED GUEST: Like this. (Throws the gun at MOLLY’s hand, 30 causing her to drop her gun. CHRISTINE punches MOLLY, knocking her out.) BEATRICE: That looked easy enough. JOEL: I can’t believe my life has just been saved by Princess Gracie Gumdrop. 35 FREDDIE: (To CHRISTINE.) Are you all right? CHRISTINE: I’m ﬁ ne. CONNIE: Oh, dear! What should we do with Molly?

FREDDIE: Tie her up and put her in the kitchen. We’ll stick one of

the Michaels sisters at each entrance to make sure she doesn’t

escape.

55 For preview only

1 CARLA JO: Good plan. Let’s get to it, sister. BEATRICE: There’s some rope in the mud room. RHONDA MAE: Good, we’ll use that to tie this scoundrel up. (To FREDDIE.) We can’t thank you enough, Mr. Franklin, for savin’ our 5 lives. CARLA JO: You’re a Yankee, but you’re a good Yankee. Just for this, all of the exotic squirrel furs we collect on this here island will be yours. RHONDA MAE: We’ll be giving up a fortune, but it’s worth it. (She and 10 CARLA JO EXIT DOWN RIGHT, dragging MOLLY. MINNIE mimes crying as MOLLY is carried OUT.) CHRISTINE: (Looks out the window.) The storm seems to be subsiding. FREDDIE: That means it should be over soon. When the ferry comes in the morning, we’ll alert the authorities. 15 SUZANNE: Well, I’m glad that has been settled. (To ROBERT.) Shall we ﬁ nish our conversation, darling?

ROBERT: Sure. (Looks at JOEL.) And let’s hope there’s no one listening in this time. (EXITS UP RIGHT with SUZANNE. MINNIE pantomimes hunger.) 20 NEIL: (To BEATRICE.) Are there any more desserts? I’ve got a mime here who could eat a house.

BEATRICE: Right this way, Neil. Follow me. (Mutters.) Stupid… (EXITS DOWN LEFT with NEIL and MINNIE.) CONNIE: Can I get anyone else anything?

25 CHRISTINE: I think we’ll be ﬁ ne, dear.

CONNIE: Good. In that case, I quit. This life as a maid is too stressful.

I’m packing my things and leaving on the next ferry. I’m going back

to working in neuroscience. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)

JOEL: You know, of all the lousy hotels, inns and bed and breakfasts

30 I’ve been to, this one has certainly provided the most interesting experience. Now that’s something to mention in a review. (EXITS UP LEFT.) FREDDIE: (To COSTUMED GUEST.) I can’t thank you enough, Princess Gumdrop—or Mr. Jacobs, is it? You saved our lives. 35 COSTUMED GUEST: No, Freddie, don’t thank me. You are the one who restored order to our dimension. I am here merely as a guardian—a watchful shepherd looking over the ﬂ ock of innocents, destroying the darkness that dares to cross the path of virtue. You are the one who gives us hope, who gives us faith, who reminds 40 us that, while everyone loves to eat sweets, cavities can always be prevented with responsible brushing and ﬂ ossing.

56 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

1 LOLA: You know, Mr. Jacobs, I have always found a man in uniform to be quite attractive. CHRISTINE: Oh, brother. COSTUMED GUEST: Really? I’ve always found knitting to be a 5 fascinating hobby. LOLA: Maybe I could show you a few stitches. COSTUMED GUEST: Only if I can show you a few uniforms. CHRISTINE: Sounds like a perfect match. LOLA: (To FREDDIE.) But ﬁ rst I would just like to thank you, Freddie, for 10 all that you have done. FREDDIE: (Still not looking at LOLA.) You’re certainly welcome. LOLA: How about a little huggsie? (FREDDIE looks at CHRISTINE, pleading.) CHRISTINE: Go on. 15 FREDDIE: (He and LOLA hug.) Ow. Something poked me.

LOLA: Oh, that’s where I put it. (Pulls knitting needle out of her top.)

It wasn’t lost after all. (She and COSTUMED GUEST EXIT UP LEFT.)

FREDDIE: Well, this has certainly been an interesting start to our

honeymoon.

20 CHRISTINE: Yes. Look at the wonderful family you’ve married into.

(Kisses FREDDIE.) Well, what’s left of it!

GRETCHEN: (Comes back ONSTAGE with RACHEL and STEFAN. To

AUDIENCE.) Well, folks, thanks for all of your help.

RACHEL: Freddie couldn’t have solved his ﬁ rst murder case without

25 you.

STEFAN: And we just want to say— BEATRICE’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE.) Ahhhhhhh! BEATRICE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT.) Freddie! Christine! Get in here! The bodies are missing! They’re not in the freezer anymore! (EXITS

30 DOWN LEFT with CHRISTINE and FREDDIE.)

STEFAN: Oops! GRETCHEN: I guess we should head back to the kitchen. RACHEL: Good idea! GRETCHEN: (To AUDIENCE.) Good night, everyone! (EXITS DOWN LEFT 35 with RACHEL and STEFAN. CURTAIN.) END OF PLAY

For preview only

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE: Hinged fl at with large painting and false fi replace, bookshelf with books, loveseat with throw pillow, armchair, end table, lamp, coffee table, chair, check-in desk, key ring full of keys, registry book, notebook, pen, vase fi lled with water and fl owers, locking cabinet tall enough to hold a rifl e. BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One: Tray with pitcher of iced tea and drinking glasses, tray with saddle biscuits, plates and napkins (BEATRICE) Small purse (CHRISTINE) Three large suitcases, notepad, pen (FREDDIE) Feather duster (CONNIE)

Knitting and needles (LOLA)

Rifl e, fi rst murder note (RHONDA MAE) Suitcase (COSTUMED GUEST, NEIL, MOLLY, MINNIE) Brochure (JOEL) Knife (GRETCHEN) BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two: Platter of cheese and crackers (CONNIE) Second murder note (slipped in from hole in painting) Rifl e (in passageway with STEFAN and CONNIE) Laptop case (NEIL) Laptop, third murder note (FREDDIE) BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One: Suitcase with two toy weapons, clothes, plastic wrap (CARLA JO) Three foot long length of two-by-four (LOLA) BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Two: Hatchet (JOEL) Piece of cake on paper plate, fork, towel (CONNIE)

Tub of popcorn (from behind the check-in desk) Murder notes (FREDDIE) Gun (MOLLY) Prop gun (COSTUMED GUEST) Knitting needle (LOLA)

SOUND EFFECTS

Thunder, heavy rain, gunshot, electric buzz, electronic toy weapon.

58 For preview only

COSTUMES The action takes place in one day, so all except Stefan, Suzanne and Costumed Guests wear the same costume for the entire play. All characters wear contemporary costumes beﬁ tting their station in life, with the following speciﬁ cs: GRETCHEN wears a house dress with a cowboy hat to show off her bed and breakfast’s Western theme. CARLA JO and RHONDA MAE dress as Texans and wear overalls and boots as if they are about to go hunting.

SUZANNE wears a gown since she is an actress and cannot be seen underdressed. In ACT ONE, Scene Two, she enters with facial cream on her face and wears a bathrobe so as not to get any cream on her gown. She can then return to her original costume for ACT TWO or change into a new gown. STEFAN also wears something fancy, such as a suit or a tuxedo. Since he is murdered in the bathtub, he wears a bathrobe for all of ACT TWO. RACHEL looks as if she has just stepped out of a remote village. She wears a “pigskin” apron around her waist. ROBERT also wears tribal attire.

MOLLY and MINNIE dress as mimes in traditional black and white with white face makeup and white gloves. There is an orange stain on Molly’s glove in ACT TWO.

COSTUMED GUEST has three costumes: The Night Crusader, Yak Man and Princess Gracie Gumdrop—original characters that can be costumed however you see ﬁ t. The Night Crusader is supposed to be a dark comic book superhero. Yak Man is your typical animal-themed

comic book superhero. Princess Gracie Gumdrop is a cutesy little girl comic book character with a short, bright dress and a lollipop magic wand. The funnier the better!

FLEXIBLE CASTING Three roles can be played by either gender. RHONDA MAE could be RONNIE JAY, JOEL MARCH could be JEAN MARCH, and NEIL CAMP could be NELL CAMP. Additional mimes may be added to allow for ﬂ exible cast sizes. They should be given names that begin with the letter M and end with a long E sound, just like Molly and Minnie (such as Mikey, Maddie, etc.). All the mimes need strong pantomime skills. It is important to note that GRETCHEN’S line on page 9 in reference to the number of rooms that NEIL has booked will need to change accordingly with the number of

59 For preview only

additional mimes added so that each mime is staying in his or her own guest room. If additional mimes are used, they should be incorporated into the pantomimes already in the script and should accompany

MOLLY and MINNIE whenever they are onstage.

AUDIENCE INTERACTION The audience interacts with the ghosts of Gretchen, Rachel and Stefan throughout the play. Thus, the actors who play these parts should have strong improvisational acting skills. Gretchen is the ﬁ rst character to interact with the audience, and she may need to do a little coaxing to encourage a reluctant audience to respond. Whether Gretchen allows the audience to shout out to her or whether she establishes that they raise their hands to answer her questions is up to the director. In the original production, when Gretchen, Rachel and Stefan would speak to the audience, the stage lights would slightly dim. This indicated to the audience that it was appropriate at that time to call out to these actors. Depending on the size of the auditorium, it might be a good idea for the ghost of Gretchen to carry around a hand-held microphone so she can hand an audience member the microphone, and the rest of the audience will be able to hear what is being said. This would be particularly helpful toward the end of ACT TWO, Scene One, when Gretchen takes questions from the audience for Rachel to write down for Freddie to ask the suspects. During this interrogation scene, Freddie and the rest of the cast will have ample opportunity to improvise. This can be a lot of fun for both the actors and the audience, but the director should make sure that the cast is well prepared. During the rehearsal process, each cast member should practice responses to questions that the audience might ask. Popular questions in the original production included, “How did Carla Jo and Rhonda Mae get their gun onto the island?” and

“Where did Lola get her two-by-four from?” The number of questions that Gretchen gathers is up to the director. In the original production, 8 to 10 questions were gathered at each performance, creating an improvisation segment that lasted roughly ﬁ ve minutes. Alternatively, the question-and-answer improvisation segment can easily be cut from the production. Freddie’s line, “Yes, but I don’t know how to do that,” can be followed directly by Joel’s last line in the scene, “There’s a surprise,” and the scene can simply end.

60 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only

THE SET In ACT ONE, Scene Two, part of the wall UP CENTER opens to reveal a secret passage. This effect can easily be created by building a door onto the wall UP CENTER. Hanging a picture on the door and either painting or building a ﬁ replace underneath the picture will give the

illusion that this door is simply part of the wall. If the picture and ﬁ replace are wider than the actual door, they will cover the seams and the audience will not see that the door exists until it is opened. Attaching the picture and the ﬁ replace to the door with wooden blocks that are several inches thick and off-setting the doorway (so that it is a few inches DOWNSTAGE of the rest of the wall) will allow the door

to open freely. A hole large enough to be able to stick a riﬂ e through should be made in both the painting and the door. The hole can easily be concealed with a scrap of cloth on the back of the painting until the riﬂ e is pushed through.

A FEW NOTES ABOUT STAGING THIS PLAY In ACT ONE, Scene Two, RACHEL exits the stage through the front door DOWN RIGHT and enters again soaking wet, as if she has just walked outside in a terrible storm. How this is staged is up to the director. In the original production, RACHEL opened the front door, stepped into a children’s wading pool just outside while still being visibly onstage, and a bucket of water was dumped from above all over the actress. This elicited a wonderful response from the audience, as they actually saw the water hit the actress. HINT: It’s a good idea for RACHEL to have

two identical costumes so that during intermission the actress can change into a dry costume for the remainder of the play.

It is a good idea for CONNIE to usually (except in ACT TWO, Scene Two) have a rag as part of her costume so that she can wipe up any water or stage blood on the stage fl oor to avoid actors slipping. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, the ghosts of GRETCHEN, RACHEL and STEFAN sit with the audience to watch FREDDIE accuse MOLLY of being the murderer. Seats can be left empty specifi cally for these characters or the characters can sit in any empty seat available. The characters could also simply sit on the house fl oor if no seats are available.

For preview only

A Family Reunion to Die For - Set Design

62 For preview only

Secret Passage Design

63 For preview only

Thank you for reading this E-view.

This E-view script from Pioneer Drama Service will stay permanently in your Pioneer Library, so you can view it whenever you log in on our website. Please feel free to save it as a pdf document to your computer if you wish to share it via email with colleagues assisting you with your show selection.

To produce this show, you can order scripts for your cast and crew and arrange for performance royalties via our website or by phone, fax, or mail.

If you’d like advice on other plays or musicals to read, our customer service representatives are happy to assist you when you call 800.333.7262 during normal business hours.

Thank you for your interest in our plays and musicals.

www.pioneerdrama.com 800.333.7262 Outside of North America 303.779.4035 Fax 303.779.4315 PO Box 4267 Englewood, CO 80155-4267

We’re here to help! DIRECTORS LOVE PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE

CHOOSE HOW YOU RECEIVE YOUR SCRIPTS. We give you more delivery options than any other publisher for receiving both your preview scripts and your full production orders. See our website for more about our many electronic delivery options for both preview and production orders.

TRUST OUR INTEGRITY. Our family-owned and operated company is proud to offer wholesome scripts appropriate for children’s and community theatres, schools, and churches.

STAY WITHIN A REASONABLE BUDGET. Our affordable scripts offer straightforward costuming, trouble-free props and stage effects, and sets that can be as simple or as elaborate as you desire.

MAINTAIN CONTROL OF YOUR CASTING. We help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around.

BE ORIGINAL. Get access to fresh, new musicals that let your actors practice true character development instead of simply mimicking Disney or the musicals that are done over and over again.

ENJOY FLEXIBLE PRODUCTION OPTIONS. All Pioneer Drama plays and musicals can be licensed for traditional, livestreamed, recorded, or online performances. Once you’ve set up your royalties, you can switch your performance type with no restrictions if your plans change.