Why Bitterness Isn't All

Why Bitterness Isn’t All Bad: Maybe Your Heart is Broken, Not Bitter

BY LYSA TERKEURST

When loss happens, bitterness wants to move in.

We have all lost people we loved and allowed a kind of merging of our life with theirs. And whether they walked away, moved away, drifted away, shoved away, faded away or passed away, their life being ripped away from ours deeply hurts. The away- ness creates a phantom feeling where, out of habit, we reach for them, but they’re no longer there.

But it’s even more complicated when your personal feelings of loss or emptiness came because of another person’s selfish- ness or irresponsibility, causing something in your life to never be the same. Now, sorrow has invited a bitterness you didn’t even know you were capable of.

And if no one else in this world has been kind enough to say this, I will. I’m so, so sorry for all that’s happened to you.

But friend, can I whisper something I’m learning? A warning of what I want both of us to avoid?

Bitterness moves right into your emptiness without permission.

At the time, you may not have even realized it or recognized what it was, because, at first, bitter feelings can feel quite justi- fiable and oddly helpful.

But over time, bitterness doesn’t want to be something that just awakens some feeling. It wants to become your only feeling. Bitterness doesn’t just want to room with you; it wants to completely consume everything about you.

There isn’t an ounce of desire in my heart to evoke any kind of condemnation or throw any sort of guilt in your direction. I’m too busy managing my own emotions around this. But what I am saying in the safety of these words — without any kind of spotlight thrown on you — is just consider where bitterness might have moved into some kind of loss or emptiness in your life.

Before we move forward in healing, I want to first comfort you with how we could’ve found ourselves here in the first place… maybe your heart is truly broken, not bitter. Here are some observations I’ve made of bitterness:

Content taken from Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst

Continue your journey toward healing with Lysa’s newest book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again. GET YOUR COPY HERE 1. Bitterness doesn’t have a core of hate, but rather, a core of hurt. I’m not making a justification of bitterness, but I am making an observation that can help us feel less defensive. When bitter feelings emerge, it’s usually tied to deep complexities of being hurt in deep ways, unfair ways, ways that changed so much about life, it’s almost inconceivable to believe that forgiveness is appropriate.

It can seem like the only way to make bitter things better is by adding in sweet revenge. And the only legal revenge most of us have access to is resentment. We can so easily justify that if people aren’t going to be made to pay for what they’ve done externally, at least we can make them pay by internally harboring great bitterness against them.

Let’s take a look at Psalm 34:18 (NIV). It says “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I love this promise from God. He is close to us when our hearts are broken from circumstances we can’t change and relationships that will never be the same. You are not alone in your hurt.

Journal how this might play out in your life personally through hurt you’ve experienced: ______

2. Bitterness isn’t usually found in those whose hearts are hard but in those whose are most tender. Maybe you resonate deeply with this. It’s not that your heart is cold; it’s that you’ve been made to feel unsafe. You are a caring person who trusted someone or some people you should have been able to trust. And you were made to feel like a fool when the trust you gave as a gift was trampled and shattered. The sharp edges left behind from broken trust cut you to your core, and the resistance you now demonstrate toward other people, is often pure fear of being hurt again.

If you stop caring for others, you won’t have to fear getting close enough for your trust to get broken again. Hardness is the exact opposite way your heart was made to operate, but it’s the only way you know to protect yourself when you’ve been deeply hurt. Protection is often the motivation behind bitter projections.

Content taken from Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst

Continue your journey toward healing with Lysa’s newest book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again. GET YOUR COPY HERE. Friend, I understand this personally. I want to show you one more promise from God found in Psalm 147:3 (NIV). It says “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” The Lord is not just close to us when our hearts are broken. He doesn’t leave us in that broken place. He heals us. He binds up our wounds. He soothes our fears.

Journal how this might play out in your life personally through your own heartbreak: ______

3. Bitterness isn’t an indication of limited potential in relationships. Usually, the bitter heart is the heart with the greatest ability to love deeply. Because of God’s great love for us, we are also able to love others. 1 John 4:19 (NIV) says, “We love because he first loved us.”

But when you love deeply, you are at the greatest risk of being hurt deeply. And when that deep hurt comes, it seems to cage the love that once ran wild and free. Caged love often has a bitter cry.

Being bitter shouldn’t be equated to being a bad person. The enemy would want you to believe this. But that shame is not from God. Being bitter is actually most often a sign that a person with great potential for good filled the emptiness of their losses with feelings that are natural but not helpful in times of grief.

Journal how this may be playing out in your life personally: ______

Now that we’ve identified these misconceptions around bitterness, I do want to personally encourage you with something I pray you never forget: Your heart is much too beautiful of a place for bitterness, resentment or unhealed pain. And I love you too much to leave you in that wrestling place where bitterness is hijacking the potential you have in your current and future relationships. The three misconceptions show us that bitterness doesn’t have to be the end of your story.

Content taken from Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst

So, after all we’ve processed together, I want you to consider what bitterness is to you. Is it a feeling? A hard heart like hard ground? Evidence of unprocessed grief? Statements I make that hurt because I’ve been hurt? An attitude that leaks out in the least desirable of ways?

Maybe bitterness is a combination of all that and more.

As you process through your own hurt and experiences, I want you to remember that this is good work to do. We are seeking to stay healthy and self-aware and honest. We are making sure not one bit of the hurt done to us is multiplied by us, but we can’t address the pain if we don’t acknowledge the pain.

I want to give you one final possibility for what bitterness is. What if bitterness is actually a seed of beautiful potential not yet planted in the rich soil of forgiveness?

What if?

What if it’s possible to let go of what we must, but still carry with us what is beautiful and meaningful and true to us for the future? That’s why I wrote my book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. I’ve learned so much about this in my own life — I wrote two chapters about dealing with bitterness and even included a list of hidden indicators in the pages of the book that I don’t want you to miss.

You see, I really believe you deserve to stop suffering because of what others have done to you.

So as we finish our time together, I want to read this declaration over you as you process the possibilities of what a bitter seed planted in the soil of forgiveness could mean for you.

I’ll go first, and then I want you to write your own prayer of release, addressing some of the things that have been holding your heart back from healing.

Content taken from Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst

Today is the day you start to let go of all the frustrations and fears and fragments of half-truths and flat-out lies the enemy worked really hard to get you to believe. Sort out what’s true from all that’s deceiving. You don’t need to edit your words for God. You just need to pour it all out. Open the case files and examine the proof. Not to use against others but to see it all in light of God’s Truth. Let Him reveal what you need to learn from all this and take the lessons with you … but don’t weaponize your pain against others.

God is with you. He is the judge. He is your defender. The only one who can rescue and help you. Remember: Resentful proof locked inside of you never exercised justice. It never made someone else change or righted a wrong. It never made someone repent for all they’d done. It only hurt you and imprisoned you behind the label of victim. It must be seen for what it is — evidence of an ending. But once acknowledged and cleared of harmful debris, this same place is good ground for a beautiful rebuilding. That collected proof is not a treasure, nor is it a souvenir proving the hard place you’ve traveled to, or your secret weapon of justice. It’s debris. Though you believe it’s protecting you and making your world better, it’s not healing your heart.

I’m so sorry for how they hurt you. And I don’t know why they did what they did or left when they left. I’m guessing they thought you better off without them or didn’t think of you at all. They couldn’t see you like you needed or love you like you pleaded. They just had to go. But answers about why are not what you need. Waiting for something from them holds you hostage to what the other person might not ever be willing to give.

When we let the hurt go and the grudges all leave, perspective — a really great gift — is what we’ll receive. Perspective will bring a sense of revival, and an assurance of survival in your heart and mind. Don’t give up, don’t give in, don’t get lost along the way. Persevere by pressing in and finally letting the proof all go.

The proof doesn’t serve you; building a case won’t heal you. Holding on to all the hurt will only steal from you all that’s beautiful and possible for you. Let it go. Entrust it to God. He knows what happened and will address it all in equal measures of mercy and justice. You can trust this and carry on with your process. Your heart will feel lighter, your mood so much brighter, and life can now go on.

Content taken from Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst