Catholicism HDT WHAT? INDEX
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ST. BERNARD’S PARISH OF CONCORD “I know histhry isn’t thrue, Hinnissy, because it ain’t like what I see ivry day in Halsted Street. If any wan comes along with a histhry iv Greece or Rome that’ll show me th’ people fightin’, gettin’ dhrunk, makin’ love, gettin’ married, owin’ th’ grocery man an’ bein’ without hard coal, I’ll believe they was a Greece or Rome, but not befur.” — Dunne, Finley Peter, OBSERVATIONS BY MR. DOOLEY, New York, 1902 “NARRATIVE HISTORY” AMOUNTS TO FABULATION, THE REAL STUFF BEING MERE CHRONOLOGY “Stack of the Artist of Kouroo” Project Roman Catholicism HDT WHAT? INDEX ROMAN CATHOLICISM CATHOLICISM 312 CE October 28: Our favorite pushy people, the Romans, met at Augusta Taurinorum in northern Italy some even pushier people, to wit the legions of Constantine the Great — and the outcome of this would be an entirely new Pax Romana. While about to do battle against the legions of Maxentius which outnumbered his own 4 to 1, Constantine had a vision in which he saw a compound symbol (chi and rho , the beginning of ) appearing in the cloudy heavens,1 and heard “Under this sign you will be victorious.” He placed the symbol on his helmet and on the shields of his soldiers, and Maxentius’s horse threw him into the water at Milvan (Mulvian) Bridge and the Roman commander was drowned (what more could one ask God for?). 1. In a timeframe in which no real distinction was being made between astrology and astronomy, you will note, seeing a sign like this in the heavens may be classed as astronomy quite as readily as it may be classed as astrology. Also, in a timeframe in which no real distinction was being made between God being on your side and you being on God’s side, having this sort of belief system may be classed as theology quite as readily as it may be classed as superstition. According to an account written by an Orthodox bishop named Eusebius during the 330s, the Eastern Roman Caesar Constantinus I converted to Christianity, his goal being to obtain magical power over his enemies. However, this account by Eusebius is of questionable veracity. The cross he describes sounds more like a Mithraic labarum than a Christian cross. Also, Constantinus did not ever convert the Roman Empire to Christianity but instead merely ended its persecution of heterodox religious cults. Subsequent churchly agitprop notwithstanding, Constantinus would not become a Christian before his deathbed in 337 — and then his conversion would be to Arian or Alexandrian Christianity rather than to what we would regard as orthodox Roman Catholicism. HDT WHAT? INDEX CATHOLICISM ROMAN CATHOLICISM “History teaches us that religion and patriotism have always gone hand in hand.” — General Douglas MacArthur Thus began nominal Christianity, something that has been with us ever since. The back of this coin depicts two soldiers beside their standard — which utilizes the battle symbol in question. Constantine, who had been born a bastard, would be able to enter Rome in triumph as the new Emperor. Sylvester I, who would be the Papa of Rome from 314 CE to 335 CE, would have no difficulty with the concept of a warrior coming to the Christian faith by slaughtering his enemies. So was to begin the fatal alliance between Caesar and Papa. Throne and Altar would become part of the orthodoxy of the Roman church establishment. As Emperor, Constantine would retain his other title, Pontifex Maximus, which is to say, head of the pagan state cult. However, confident that his victory at the bridge meant the Christian God was on his side, in Milan in the following year he would proclaim religious tolerance for everyone without distinction, thereby allowing the Christian Church and the Jewish Church to come out of the gloom of the catacombs into the full light of day. The tragedy is that this fundamental principle of religious tolerance would not be accepted by the Roman Catholic Church until the late 20th Century. He would opinion that even he himself had become something of a Christian (although this wouldn’t prevent him from offing his second wife). Constantine allegedly would be baptized by a heretical Arian Papas named Eusebius just prior to his death. He saw the church merely as an instrument of political and cultural cohesion, a pillar of the Imperial structure he was building. The Emperor’s actions represent the Roman obsession with order rather than any religious conviction. He would call the first Ecumenical Council in 325. He established the idea of a council of all Christian communities as the only way to formulate the faith incontestably and forever. It would be he who HDT WHAT? INDEX ROMAN CATHOLICISM CATHOLICISM would order that the Roman citizen Paul’s letters and other manuscripts be compiled together into one book. It is noteworthy that some have considered this man to be “the thirtieth Apostle.” The coinage of the subsequent emperors would increasingly rely on this symbolism that had been pioneered by Constantine, and elaborate on it with IN HOC SIGNO VINCES — in the same devout spirit as during our civil war Secretary of the Treasury Salmon Portland Chase would order that we engrave In God We Trust on our sacred gold half-eagle, eagle, and double-eagle coins, and on our sacred silver dollar, half-dollar, and quarter-dollar, and on our sacred nickel five-cent piece.2 (No one whose opinion matters ever considers this sort of thing to be an act of cynicism — with the signal exception of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose opinion in the matter we have utterly ignored!) “No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.” — Lily Tomlin During this year at some point, the founder of the Exegetical School in Antioch, Lucian, who had revised the LXX, would be martyred. NOBODY COULD GUESS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN NEXT 2. Such bumper-sticker philosophy won’t fit on our dime or penny coins, because they are too small to hold so many words. HDT WHAT? INDEX CATHOLICISM ROMAN CATHOLICISM 604 CE In Rome, Sabinian was pope. DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION? GOOD. Roman Catholicism “Stack of the Artist of Kouroo” Project HDT WHAT? INDEX ROMAN CATHOLICISM CATHOLICISM 606 CE In Rome, Boniface III was the pope, to be succeeded in the following year by Boniface IV. CHANGE IS ETERNITY, STASIS A FIGMENT Roman Catholicism “Stack of the Artist of Kouroo” Project HDT WHAT? INDEX CATHOLICISM ROMAN CATHOLICISM 636 CE The southern portion of the Irish Church submitted to Roman Catholicism. IRELAND At about this point the 81st chapter of a Sui Dynasty history called the Sui Shu mentioned the Eastern Barbarians, meaning Koreans, Japanese, and either the Taiwanese of the Okinawans. Regarding the Taiwanese or Okinawans, the chroniclers wrote, “There are villages here and there, each with a headman called wu-liao. Invariably a good fighter becomes the wu-liao and controls the village... There are knives, pikes, bows and arrows, and things like swords. There is little iron there, and their blades are all thin and small. Bone and horn are generally used, to make up [for the lack of iron]. For armor they use plaited hemp or the thin skins of bears or leopards... The people of this country like to attack one another. They are strong and robust, and they run well. They do not die easily and bear their wounds well. The various districts live unto themselves and do not succor one another. When two bands of fighters face each other, three to five brave men come forward and leap and dance about, yelling and hurling insults at each other. Then they fight, shooting arrows at each other. If neither side can vanquish the other, they all run away.” During the late 19th Century, European scholars would theorize that this passage had referred to Taiwan and after the Japanese occupied that island in 1895, this attitude would become the prevalent one in Japan (20th-Century Chinese scholars, on the other hand, would determine that this had been a reference to Okinawa, and most US scholars now accept the Chinese interpretation). WHAT I’M WRITING IS TRUE BUT NEVER MIND YOU CAN ALWAYS LIE TO YOURSELF Roman Catholicism “Stack of the Artist of Kouroo” Project HDT WHAT? INDEX ROMAN CATHOLICISM CATHOLICISM 697 CE Roman Catholic priests prohibited Irish women and children from appearing on contested battlefields. This instituted a considerable cultural change for, in pre-Christian times, Irish women and children had often accompanied their men into battle. On the Italian peninsula, the Adriatic city-state of Venice declared independence from both Byzantium and Rome. In this year and the following one, Saracens destroyed the Byzantine city of Carthage in North Africa, disrupting the Pax Romana (the new city of Tunis would begin nearby). HDT WHAT? INDEX CATHOLICISM ROMAN CATHOLICISM 754 CE The Frankish king Pepin began to march into Italy against the Lombards and Byzantines, and would by 756 CE have achieved control of the papal succession in Rome. CATHOLICS NO-ONE’S LIFE IS EVER NOT DRIVEN PRIMARILY BY HAPPENSTANCE “Stack of the Artist of Kouroo” Project Roman Catholicism HDT WHAT? INDEX ROMAN CATHOLICISM CATHOLICISM 800 CE December 25, Christmas: Charlemagne was crowned Emperor of the Roman Empire of the West by Pope Leo III in St. Peter’s Church, Rome. An enormously good time was had by all. On this auspicious occasion the emperor presented the pope with the authentic foreskin of Jesus Christ — what a singularly appropriate present for a pope! Although this object may have been given to Chuck as a wedding present by the Byzantine Empress Irene, the story he told was that it had been given to him by an angel, of HDT WHAT? INDEX CATHOLICISM ROMAN CATHOLICISM course while praying at the Holy Sepulchre.