Who Do You Think They Are? STEVE FORREST

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Issue No 672 Friday Feb 15 2008 varsity.co.uk

e Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 Who do you think they are? STEVE FORREST

42%of students recognised 12 %of students recognised 23%of students recognised CUSU President, Mark Fletcher President of the Union, Lu Wei Vice-Chancellor, Alison Richard

MP for Cambridge Mr David and Ann Widdecombe. One stu- levels”, he added. pick out the President, they do Isabel Shapiro Howarth and one particularly fa- dent chose to remain on the fence CUSU president Mark Fletcher associate us with important is- News Editor mous Cambridge alumnus, Jimmy about the Vice-Chancellor’s iden- was signifi cantly better known, sues like welfare support, our Carr. Despite no offi cial affi liation tity. “She just looks really nice” he with his photo recognised by 42% green campaign and the access to the University itself, these in- said. But is the Vice-Chancellor of the students asked. However, work we do”. Cambridge University’s most im- dividuals were much better known concerned that such a high pro- several students are obviously still The recently elected President of portant fi gures are unrecognisable among students; while the people portion of students have no idea unaware of the work that Fletcher the Cambridge Union Society was to most students, according to a who really infl uence students’ lives who she is? does at the Students’ Union: one the least known face of the six includ- Varsity survey. in Cambridge were largely uniden- “In general undergraduates na- suggested he was “a wannabe Tory ed in the survey, with only 24 of the Over 200 undergraduates were tifi ed, 95% of the students were tionwide do not tend to come into MP”, while another thought he was 200 students asked able to recognise shown pictures of six ‘Cambridge able to recognise the popular come- regular contact with their universi- a model for Specsavers. him. Of the 88% of students who neg- Celebrities’ and asked to put a name dian Jimmy Carr. ties’ vice-chancellors and particu- Fletcher was amused by the atively identifi ed him, one thought or a role to the faces. But more Alison Richard, who became the larly so at Cambridge where the results. “I am slightly surprised he was a Cambridge chess champion than three-quarters of respond- fi rst female Vice-Chancellor in 2003, collegiate system’s genius of scale that that many people recognised and another, clearly up on the latest ents were unable to identify the acts as the principal academic and means a student’s immediate needs me, and I’m considering a brief University news if not the recent Vice-Chancellor, Alison Richard, administrative offi cer of the Uni- and pastoral care are provided at stint in rehab to further raise my Union election result, suggested he and less than half could name the versity, yet only 23% of students that level”, explained a spokesper- profile”, he said. On a more seri- might be the person pretending to CUSU President, Mark Fletcher. could correctly identify her. son for Alison Richard. “Professor ous note, he added, “CUSU is be a student at Trinity College. One Still fewer could identify Lu Wei, Of the 77% who were unable to Alison Richard provides Cambridge constantly trying to promote the student, who works as a barwoman the newly elected President of the identify the Vice Chancellor, sev- with outstanding leadership and in- work that we do and advertising at the Union, was particularly em- Union, who had an identifi cation eral came up with some interest- spiration and is a highly effective how we can help students. I think barrassed by her failure to recognise rate of only 12%. ing alternatives. Guesses ranged ambassador for the University to most students are aware on some the Cambridge Union President. Also included in the six were from Head Bedder, Librarian or a the outside world at very senior level of CUSU as an entity. While Footlights President Sam Sword, Dinner Lady, to Hyacinth Bucket people aren’t necessarily able to CONTINUES ON PAGE 2 Debate Face Off Interview Should Sharia be incorporated Will Queens’ give Pembroke Jack Black on Michel Gondry, into British law? a royal thrashing? his new lm and eating Coco Pops » Page 9 » Page 14 » Page 23 News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Richard Power Sayeed, and Isabel Shapiro Friday February 15 2008 2 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

In Brief Co n t i n u e d f r o m f r o n t p a g e President of the Footlights, Sam Sword When his identity was revealed, International she responded with shock: “Lu Wei? No way!” State school visit In response to the findings of the survey, Wei said “I look for- students opt for UK State school pupils from all over ward to having a higher profile the country came to Cambridge once this article is out.” pleting a three year BA at the Uni- last weekend to take part in the Surprisingly, the Footlights Laura Coleman versity as an international student to first of three residential shadow- President Sam Sword was con- be in excess of £50,000. With no full ing sessions organised by Cam- siderably better known than the scholarships on offer combined with bridge University Students Un- three leading University figures. The UK’s popularity as a destination active discouragement of students ion (CUSU) which will take place Although one student thought he for international students is begin- taking on employment during term over the coming month. The was the man who sells the Big Is- ning to challenge that of the USA, a time, international students can find CUSU shadowing scheme, now in sue outside Sainsbury’s, a signifi- recent study has shown. the financial burden of studying at its eighth year, is targeted spe- cant 56% of the students asked 56% The study, which was carried out Cambridge overwhelming. cifically at high-achieving pupils knew who he was. by ‘I-group’, has found that 95 per American universities provide from families with little history of In response to his newly con- Comedian and alumnus, Jimmy Carr cent of those surveyed believed more financial assistance than their higher education and from schools firmed celebrity status, Sword that the UK was either an “attrac- UK counterparts. Chairman of that have made few Cambridge ap- said “I should get an award. The tive or very attractive” place to CUSU International Carl Göbel said, plications in the past. The scheme others are probably more modest; study, compared with the USA’s 93 “Students from outside the EU are allows year 12 students to shadow I just get my big goggly eyes eve- per cent rating. not getting good value for money. a current Cambridge undergradu- rywhere because I’m always on The UK currently has 99,000 inter- Whilst the reputation of Cambridge ate, attending lectures and semi- stage.” national students, a number which and the collegiate system will always nars, staying in College and get- David Howarth, Liberal Demo- appears to be on the rise. attract international students, Cam- ting a real-life taste of Cambridge. crat MP for Cambridge, while not Patterns at Cambridge confirm One visiting pupil commented: "I quite beating the CUSU presi- the trend. Levels of international thought everyone would be pomp- dent in the celebrity stakes, was students have rocketed in the past ous snobs but everyone was all also well known, with 36% of stu- twenty years from a number as low The UK has 99,000 right. I will definitely be applying dents able to name him. Despite as 282 in 1980 to the current figure of international to Cambridge. not being identified by the major- 5,379. Currently, most of the Univer- Clementine Dowley ity, Howarth’s face was familiar to sity’s international students hail from students most of the students asked, “I’m China, with 702 foreign students sure I’ve seen him cycling about, 95% originating from the country. Ameri- Key-hole surgery or in a big BMW somewhere,” can representation is also high, with said one student. MP for Cambridge, David Howarth 648 students from the US presently bridge cannot match American uni- A British student swallowed his The striking disparity between studying at Cambridge. versities for the funding on offer to indoor key to prevent friends from these results calls in to question Some suggest that the high pres- ternational students.” Göbel also told forcing him to go home because whether leading members of the ence of international students at Varsity that Cambridge has failed to he was drunk. Chris Foster, stud- University make sufficient efforts Cambridge is the result of a widely address many other problems faced ying computer design at Bourne- to promote themselves within the held perception that the UK is a by international students, including mouth University in southern student population. But it also safer place to study. Students are where to store their belongings over England, had drunk six beers as suggests widespread student igno- also attracted to the UK because the holiday periods. well as vodka and whisky when rance as to the people who repre- they believe that it is easier to get Some researchers have questioned his friends decided he should go sent them at a higher level, or at a visa for the UK than to gain an the study’s findings. They suggest home and sleep it off. But the least a lack of awareness about the entry permit into the US. that the results demonstrate the suc- 18-year-old wanted to keep par- organizations they head. It remains But despite the popularity of cess of smaller competitor countries tying. “My friends said I’d had questionable whether responsibili- British and American universities, in increasing their share of interna- too much to drink and should go ty for improving relations between they still rank as the two most ex- tional students at the expense of the to my room. But I didn’t want senior and junior members of the pensive countries in which to study. USA, as opposed to indicating an in- to so I swallowed my door key.” University lies with the authori- The Cambridge Admissions Office crease in the attractiveness of study- When his friends eventually told ties or the students themselves. 36% estimates the minimum cost of coming in the UK. him what he had done, he at first thought they were joking. “I thought it was a wind-up when my friend said I had swallowed it. But my throat and stomach didn’t feel quite right.” Clementine Dowley

Punts of the future

Controversial plans to reject traditional punts in favour of motorised boats on the river Cam have been drawn up. The proposal for 12-seater motorised punts could be put in place by May. But plans met with concerns over the impact of noise pollution on the surrounding area as well as the threat the punts may pose to wildlife and other river users. Matt Garlick, who is behind the venture, had some words of assurance. “The motors are electric with zero emissions and will be very quiet. It will only travel at 4mph - it’s not like we will be running jet skis up there.” Isabel Shapiro

52 Trumpington Street Cambridge CB2 1RG

FREE CHELSEA BUN With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop OR FREE MORNING The wheels on the bus go round and round COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) Trainee bus drivers from Stagecoach complete the first stage of their training. Owen Evans, driving instructor, explains: “Before getting in With any cake or pastry in the restaurant a bus, drivers should get into the minds of the pedestrians.” At a notorious accident black spot on the corner of Jesus Lane, the learners are on presentation of this voucher required to watch and wait until half a dozen buses swing by, putting themselves in the pedestrian’s shoes. This is just one of a series of and proof of student status training sessions drivers must attend before they can get behind the wheel. Isabel Shapiro

Friday February 15 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 3 Archbishop heckled at St Mary’s » First public appearance of Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams after Sharia law furore

Clementine Dowley about his remarks which may have be subservient to British crimi- caused “distress or misunder- nal and civil law.” News Editor standing”. His attempts to clarify The Archbishop’s comments his position reportedly came af- have been defended by Cam- The Archbishop of Canterbury ter a member of the 482-strong bridgeshire church leaders. was confronted by protestors in synod claimed to be prepared to Spokesman for the Bishop of Ely, Cambridge at his first public ap- table a motion urging members Canon Owen Spencer-Thomas, pearance since the row over his to distance themselves from the told Varsity “The Archbishop is to comments on Sharia law. Archbishop if an apology was not Hecklers met Dr Rowan Wil- forthcoming. In his presidential liams outside Great St. Mary’s address to the general synod, the Church on Saturday as he was Church of England’s national as- “press reports leaving the memorial service sembly, he said: “Some of what demonstrated a of his former tutor Professor has been heard is a very long way Charles Moule at which he had from what was said in the Royal considerable lack of been preaching. As he exited Courts of Justice last Thursday.” the building, the Archbishop was The Muslim Council of Brit- understanding of confronted by TV cameras, pho- ain said it was grateful for the the issues” tographers and a large crowd of “thoughtful intervention” of the people. One heckler chanted: “Re- Archbishop on the discussion of sign! Resign! Resign!” the place of Islam and Muslims in Dr Williams prompted criticism Britain today. Spokesman Dr Mu- be congratulated on his brave and after he suggested that introduc- hammad Abdul Bari said: “The thoughtful lecture on Sharia Law. ing some aspects of Sharia law to Archbishop is not advocating im- He has brought to light some im- Britain was “unavoidable”. He plementation of the Islamic penal portant issues that require con- made the comments during a lec- system in Britain. His recommen- tinuing, careful and responsible ture on civil and religious law at dation is confined to the civil sys- thought. Sadly, on this occasion, the Royal Courts of Justice ear- tem of Sharia law and that only in some press reports demonstrated accordance with English law and a considerable lack of understand- agreeable to established notions ing of the issues and resorted to of human rights.” emotive and divisive headlines.” “One heckler The Ramadhan Foundation, Canon Spencer Thomas also ex- an educational and welfare body, pressed sadness that the confron- chanted ‘Resign! said the speech was “testament tation occurred immediately after Resign! Resign!’” to [the Archbishop’s] attempts the memorial service for Profes- to understand Islam and promote sor Moule, an eminent theologian tolerance and respect between who died last year aged 98. He our great faiths.” said: “Charlie Moule was a highly In response to Dr Williams’ respected figure in this University lier this month. apology, the Prime Minister whose care and wisdom shaped the Dr Williams said that giving Is- praised the “great integrity” and lives of generations of students. He lamic law official status in the UK “dedication” of the Archbishop. was one of my teachers and I re- would help achieve social cohesion A government spokesman said: member him with great affection”. because some Muslims did not re- “The Archbishop has been clari- In his sermon, the Archbishop late to the British legal system. fying and setting in a wider con- recalled how he had often made Such comments led some Church text the comments he has made his way to Professor Moule’s of England synod members, MPs and I’m sure he will continue to rooms to talk about faith and the- and churchgoers to call for his do so in the future.” However, he ology. Appearing at ease in front resignation. The Archbishop also also emphasised the Prime Min- of the packed church, he also re- received death threats and was ister’s view that “British laws ferred to his former mentor’s wit placed under police protection. must be based on British values and popularity, which saw him Dr Williams has since taken re- and that religious law, while re- frequently fill lecture theatres on sponsibility for any “unclarity” specting other cultures, should Mi c h ae l D err i n g er a Saturday morning.

Trinity imposter arrested Varsity ad 100x100 23/1/08 14:47 Page 1 » Akhtar faces charges for stealing students’ property

it emerged that he had allegedly even a Cambridge resident. His Clementine Dowley stolen a Nokia mobile phone from a registered address is in Surrey. In News Editor genuine student at the College. At a a blog entry from April last year, hearing at the Magistrates’ Court, Akhtar wrote: “One question that An imposter who posed as a student Akhtar was charged on all three people always ask me is, ‘Tarique, Looking for work at Trinity College has been taken counts. He is due to appear at the are you an international student?’ into police custody after flouting a Crown Court for Committal pro- Sometimes I say yes, and other ban from College premises. ceedings via video-link next week. times I say no. To be honest, I don’t this summer? Two weeks ago a man was appre- Akhtar was first approached by really know myself.” hended by Porters and asked not Porters in the College library af- According to Rallison, Akhtar University of Cambridge International to return to Trinity College after ter complaints were made by other gained access to College premises it was discovered that he had been students. When asked for identifi- by accompanying a group of stu- Summer Schools can offer 4 - 7 weeks posing as a graduate student there cation, he was unable to produce dents. Members of the College for almost a year. anything other than another stu- have since been warned to “watch work for senior Cambridge It has since emerged that the dent’s buttery card, and was sub- out for intruders ‘tailgating’ when undergraduate and graduate students. College is “continuing to have sequently banned from the college. entering College buildings”. Ral- problems with an intruder who While masquerading as a student lison also asked students to “take £200 per week plus college sometimes calls himself Tarique at the College, Akhtar was alleged- the usual security precautions with Akhtar.” Senior Tutor John Ralli- ly involved in a series of incidents your belongings” and to “let the accommodation. son warned students that Akhtar including faking his identity, ille- Porters know if you encounter Mr had “again been found by the Por- gally accessing a student’s compu- Akhtar on College premises.” For details call network: 60850 ters on College premises”, and that ter account, and unauthorised use One Trinity student said: “I can’t he had subsequently been taken of College facilities. believe he’s back. It’s really wor- or 01223 760850 into police custody. Although little is known about rying that even though he was Police confirmed that a 21-year- the imposter, whose Facebook pro- banned from College he still found or email: [email protected] old man from Surrey was arrested file states that he was born in North a way to get in.” at Trinity College on Friday after India and then moved to the Unit- Another undergraduate was less obstructing a constable in execution ed States where he “attended Har- surprised: “I saw him walking to- of duty. Akhtar was also charged vard before coming to Cambridge”, wards Trinity the day after he was with two counts of burglary after police reports show that he is not first caught”, she said. 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Varsityproﬁ le » Betinho Ribeiro

Isabel Shapiro been Betinho’s dream. From an early age, he was fascinated by News Editor “how people dress up nicely” and what this says about their person- » Students in Trinity Hall awake to alities. His fashion idol is Victoria 8184 the knock of an East Timorian ce- Beckham and one of his favourite lebrity. Betinho Ribeiro, a promi- accessories is “the pink fl uffy”. miles to east timor nent fashion designer in his home As a bedder, Betinho has forged country, has worked as a Cam- close relationships with the stu- bridge bedder since 2005. dents. A budding artist, he sketch- In East Timor Betinho’s catwalk es portraits of students in a variety shows have been broadcast on na- of garbs which he then posts under tional television, people recognise their doors. He even designed a suit » him as he walks down the street, for one second-year, whom he re- and he has won plaudits from the fers to as “Mr Fashion”. The outfi t 15 fashion shows Prime Minister. will feature at an upcoming fashion He came to England to work and show in Portugal. plans to earn enough to expand Back in East Timor, the politi- his business at home. But making cal situation is fragile. On Monday clothes is more diffi cult in Cam- President Ramos-Horta was shot by rebels. Meanwhile, the British Foreign Offi ce notes continuing » “incidents of civil unrest”, high un- 12 He has won plaudits employment, and an “underlying students under his bedding threat from Terrorism”. It advises jurisdiction from East Timor’s against “all but essential travel” to Prime Minister the country. “I feel sad”, said Bet- inho, “it’s my President”, but he is not afraid to return. Whether cutting cloth or chang- bridge. The materials are expensive ing sheets, Betinho does it with fl air, » and Betinho’s landlord has banned charisma and a very cheeky smile. 27 him from using a sewing machine, His philanthropic philosophy of life pairs of shoes so he is forced “to go back to a tailor is simple: “I like people to perform in East Timor.” something for their friends, to make Designing clothes has always them happy.” Degree declines in value £500k of student aid

Lucas Fear-Segal 2:i paid to prisoners 50 First 48% 47% Olly West added: “No wonder students are Recent reports have prompted 45% on the breadline when the money widespread fears that the quali- 43% 44% meant to support them is being fi cations offered by Britain’s uni- 40 41% paid to serving criminals”. versities are being dumbed down. The government admitted last Yet for all the sensational head- The most recent publications of Degree week that student support pay- lines that followed the news, with the Higher Education Statistics infl ation over ments potentially totalling £500,000 the Daily Mail announcing that Authority (HESA) and the Higher have been paid out to prisoners prisoners had claimed “millions 30 a ten year Education Policy Institute (HEPI) period during the last 10 years. of pounds” in aid, students were show that two thirds of all students Preliminary investigations show more philosophical, seeing the now leave with top degrees. that 250 prisoners received up to revelations as symptomatic of The reports showed that of stu- £250,000 in maintenance grants, wider problems in the distribu- dents gaining their fi rst degree in 20 while 91 prisoners have received tion of student aid. One under- 2006/07, 13% obtained a fi rst class loans also totalling £250,000. graduate even stated: “At least honours award, in an increase of 1 The payments occurred due to this shows that prisoners are be- per cent on the fi gures for 2005/06. a loophole in the law authorising ing encouraged to continue with 13% Meanwhile 48% of students ob- 12% student aid. their education.” 11% John Denham, the universities tained an upper second class hon- 10 10% The Cambridge branch of the ours award, also an increase of 8% secretary, admitted that the pay- “Education Not For Sale” cam- one per cent from 2005/06. Such 7% ments were “unjustifi able” and paign said that the news simply confi rmed that the loophole had detracted from the bigger issue now been closed. He said “I do not of inadequate student funding in 1996/97 1999/00 2001/02 2003/04 2005/06 2006/07 believe that it has ever been the the UK. A representative said: Oxbridge students intention of parliament that pris- “Prisoners receiving maintenance oners, who are accommodated at allowance to cover board and work harder for are expected to put in around 40. claimed that that “independent public expense, should receive any lodging is patently unnecessary A similar trend can be observed reviews by the Quality Assurance additional form of fi nancial support (books are a different matter) - degrees worth less in science subjects. At Lough- Agency have consistently shown for maintenance. Nor do I believe though like everyone else, they borough University over 80% of since 1997 that quality and stand- that it is an appropriate use of pub- should have the right to free edu- biology students attained a 2:i ards are being maintained or im- lic money”. cation, especially so, you might or higher with an average of 21.8 proved.” But shadow universities Amendments have been made argue. This isn’t the only loop- fi gures fall into a general trend hours’ work a week. Roughly the Secretary David Willetts called for to the regulations that control stu- hole in means-testing, it’s just the of grade infl ation which has been same results can be seen for Cam- the increase in the number of fi rsts dent support, and these changes most obvious - what we don’t hear gathering pace for over a decade. bridge students, but with a work- be “addressed”. will come into force next month. so much about is the people who In 1996 only 48% of students grad- ing week of 41.9 hours. Professor Boyd Hilton of Trin- Furthermore, the Student Loans needed maintenance grants, but uated with a fi rst or 2:i. The report concluded that huge ity College, whilst willing to accept Company has been told to review couldn’t get them. That prisoners The statistics have sparked disparities exist between the that the 2:i class had grown over all current and past applications are cheating the system isn’t so particular concern amongst stu- amount of work required by dif- the past few years, refused to ac- to check they were legal and to as- much of a problem as the fact that dents at older universities, who ferent universities and showed knowledge that the fi rst class cat- sess full costs. the system is cheating everyone increasingly fear they have to that while top degrees are worth egory was any bigger than it had Opposition parties were quick else”. work harder for their degrees less and less, students at Oxbridge historically been. He said that the to criticise the government for its There are currently around 590 than fellow students at newer still have to work harder for them. increased number of upper seconds oversight, with the Tories labelling prisoners studying on part-time ones. A recent study published Whilst some degree courses are achieved by Cantabrigians was “en- it the “latest in a long line of La- distance learning courses, usually by the HEPI showed that un- full time occupations, others “re- tirely justifi ed”, as students these bour fi ascos”. Shadow universities provided by the Open University, dergraduates studying law at semble part-time employment”. days work far harder and are “far secretary David Willets said that and a smaller number who attend Sussex University were likely to Minister for higher education more driven” than their historical “students struggling to make ends higher education institutions get a first or 2:i with just over 20 Bill Rammell was keen to rebut the counterparts. meet will rightly be outraged”, while on day release. hours’ work per week, whilst stu- fi ndings. He insisted that stand- while Liberal Democrat universi- dents at Oxford and Cambridge ards were rigorously enforced, and ties spokesman Stephen Williams News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Richard Power Sayeed, and Isabel Shapiro Friday February 15 2008 6 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

SCIENCE Cambridge scientists Fundraising nears £1bn mark have discovered a genetic cause of heart disease. Kevin Koo explains it all.

Researchers in the Department of Public Health & Primary Care and the Medical Research Coun- cil Epidemiology Unit have discovered a correlation between genetic variations in the human genome and blood levels of cholesterol that contribute to the on- set of cardiovascular disease. Dr Manjinder Sandhu and col- leagues conducted an analysis of data collected from over 11,000 individuals and found that changes to single DNA nucleotides, called polymorphisms, in a particular region of chromosome 1 were statistically associated with concentrations of low-density lipoprotein (LDL). Individuals with elevated levels of LDL cholesterol have been shown to exhibit an increased risk of heart attack and stroke. The study, recently published in Rob Craig coffers. The fundraising campaign was summer 2008), designed to ensure in- the journal Lancet, may provide Vice-Chancellor Alison Richard launched with the purpose of main- creased interdisciplinary cooperation valuable insight into the genetic has greeted these fundraising suc- taining Cambridge’s international in this seminal area. basis of variations in cholesterol The University of Cambridge is two- cesses with circumspect optimism, academic pre-eminence. The Univer- A new Institute for Manufacture, levels and its cardiovascular con- thirds of the way towards reaching declaring herself “delighted to report sity derives its funding more heavily currently under construction, and the sequences. its goal of raising £1 billion by 2012. another record year for the Cam- from government block grants than entrepreneurship-promoting Hauser In the body, LDL functions as According to a progress report for paign,” while equally stressing that virtually every other internationally Forum will strengthen the links be- a transporter for cholesterol and the financial year 2006-7 published “there is still a long way to go” in a leading institution. In recognition tween the ivory towers of Cambridge triglycerides, the main component on Monday, a total of £663 million potentially less auspicious economic of the need for additional funding, academia and the cut-and-thrust of vegetable oils and animal fats. pounds has already been raised un- climate. Alison Richards stated in February world of business. The 10,000 indi- LDL carries these molecules to der the auspices of the University’s In a similar vein, the Campaign’s 2007 that “the Campaign represents vidual donations received last year other areas of the body, including groundbreaking 800th Anniversary Co-Chairmen, Sir David Walker and our determination to raise the raise have also proved a significant boon peripheral arteries where the oils Fundraising Campaign, which was Dr William Janeway admit that while the resources necessary to secure for the development of research, the and fats can accumulate, leading to publicly launched in 2005. “great progress” has been made in our future.” enrichment of student bursaries and a hardening of the vessels known The past financial year has notably raising two-thirds of the target bil- The rewards are being reaped in the maintenance of Cambridge’s ev- as atherosclerosis. This condition seen an unprecedented level of dona- lion, “we are no more than half-way many different forms. Work is un- er-visible architectural heritage. restricts blood flow to the sur- tion, with a record £155 million pour- home in terms of the effort and de- derway on the Centre for the Phys- rounding tissues and is a common ing into both University and College termination needed.” ics for Medicine (to be completed in precursor to more serious cardiovascular injury. Due to these risks, LDL is popularly known as “bad cholesterol,” while another THEATRE member of the lipoprotein family, high-density lipoprotein, has been coined “good cholesterol” for its ability to break-down and remove Yo ho ho, a pirate’s life for me the arterial blockages. Lowering levels of LDL cholesterol is one of the key strate- The Pirates of Penzance utterly bored. Their first dance rou- gies for reducing the risk of heart tine is the most spiritless line dance I disease, and scientists have been Arts Theatre have ever had to bear witness to. focusing research efforts on the Frederick leaves the ship and regulation of LDL-cholesterol ★★★★★ takes 47-year-old Ruth (Fiona concentrations in the blood. The Mackay) with him as his wife, be- strength of this new study lies in Scarlett Creme lieving her to be the embodiment the large pool of individuals from of female beauty. However, upon leaving the ship Frederick hears a The lights dim, Maureen (who lov- chorus of girls who, unlike Ruth, ap- The condition ingly provided me with a running pear to be both young and beautiful. commentary throughout the show) In comparison to their male counter- is a precursor finally stops talking about her vari- parts the female chorus is brilliant. to more serious cose veins to Dave, the excellent or- The execution of their first song chestra begins and the curtain lifts to provoked the first loud applause of cardiovascular injury reveal the silhouette of a magnificent the evening. It is, however, Mary El- pirate ship. “Ooh, look Dave,” ex- len Lynall (Mabel) who really steals claimed Maureen “look, look, there’s a the show. As the primping leader whom data was collected and the ship on the stage.” Unfortunately for of the daughters of Major General scale of the genetic analysis per- Maureen, Dave and myself, this piece Stanley she is fantastic. Maureen formed. By comparing variations of craftsmanship designed by the even stopped hanging over the edge in participants’ DNA sequences talented Claire Butcher is one of the of the pit to admire her abilities. s o n with levels of LDL cholesterol, few highlights of a production that Naturally Fred falls head over the researchers isolated two poly- showed several glimpses of promise heels in love with this vision in the morphisms that were both traced but lacked spark overall. pretty yellow frock, but there just to a region of chromosome 1 that The Pirates of Penzance is one of doesn’t seem to be any chemistry e rt n rob damia has not been previously implicated Gilbert and Sullivan’s most famous between them; their love scenes are the pirates rushed onstage to blowing previous scenes out of the in the metabolism of cholesterol. operettas. Set on the coast of Corn- as passionless as the planks of MDF capture the girls. I was half ex- Cornish water. He is certainly a The article suggests that this may wall, a pirate crew “play and party” on the ship. There is a similar prob- pecting the female chorus to take star to watch in future. be the site of the CELSR2 gene, according to the programme, as pirate lem during the confrontation scene their flowered arches and beat the The production becomes a far which encodes a cell-surface re- apprentice Frederick, played by Tom between Ruth and Frederick: Ruth male crew into submission. It was more exhilarating experience dur- ceptor whose biological function is Cane, tells the pirate king that his ob- is jealous that her darling boy loves a shame this did not happen. It ing the final scenes, and that is not unknown. Future investigations ligation to them is over now that he is another, but whilst watching them might have been more interesting. because it is nearly over. Go and see will aim to clarify how the genetic 21. Dear Fred is also a slave of duty one gets the feeling that their hearts Again the pace was lifted by Dave a performance of one of Gilbert and changes contribute to fluctuations and decides that he must destroy the weren’t really in it. Mackay is strong Walton, playing Major-General Sullivan’s classics, in a week domi- in LDL-cholesterol levels, which pirates as he loathes what they do. in her opening solo, but paired with Stanley, who stormed the stage nated by new writing and more may identify new molecular tar- The male chorus is certainly the weak Frederick the song falls disappoint- to rescue what could have been sinister offerings, for some strong gets for pharmacological interven- link in these first acts. They troup on- ingly flat. another half baked scene. Walton performances and a fabulous score, tions for heart disease. stage without any conviction and look This was especially true when puts in a show-stopping display, if for nothing else. Friday February 15 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 7

Diplomas may spell end for A-levels Daisy Belfield National Schools Secretary Edward Cambridge admissions staff seem to the sciences, maths and modern lan- Balls claimed that the Diploma, with its be in favour of the new Diploma. Geoff guages in particular at a higher level.” focus on work experience and emphasis Parks, Director of Undergraduate Ad- He also said: “I anticipate that The A-level qualification could soon be on combining in-depth theoretical and missions at Cambridge and a member many of our academics would wel- abolished following the introduction of practical study of specific subject areas of the Diploma Development Partner- come a role in the development of the new Diploma scheme in September. with English, Maths, and ICT, “could ship, has spoken in defense of the new the Diploma. We have had extensive Prime Minister Gordon Brown re- emerge as the jewel of our education input into the Engineering Diploma, cently implied that the new Diploma system”. He said that the qualification with the goal of ensuring that it will will be introduced as a replacement could bridge the gulf between the aca- “A levels can not be be a suitably rigorous qualification for for the old A-level system rather than demic and business worlds. entry into higher education.” as an alternative. His comments were But support for the new qualification safeguarded beyond Nearly 40,000 teenagers in 900 made in response to concerns that al- from leading universities is divided. A 2013” schools and colleges around the lowing schools to choose between the recent BBC survey showed that 38% country will be participating in the two qualifications will lead to the devel- of admissions tutors said they were 17 courses offered by the Diploma opment of a two-tier system of educa- “very unlikely” to accept Diplomas as scheme when it is introduced this au- tion. Critics fear that the Diploma risks a viable alternative to A-levels. How- qualifications. He said “The Universi- tumn. Courses will include Construc- being regardedRedgate_Bluesci_fullpage_MD.pdf as a vocational and less 04/10/2007 ever, 03:07:25 it also found that 48% would be ty strongly welcomes any moves that tion, Hair and Beauty, Hospitality, prestigious alternative to the A-level. prepared to consider them. will encourage young people to study Public Services and Retail.

Christ’s Fry-tening phonecalls One lucky lady making her way back to College stopped by the Van Of Death for a bit of late night refreshment. A few days later the diligent student received a call on her mobile from a voice who simply described himself as “the grease merchant from Death”, extolling the virtues of her beauty and extending a Valen- tine’s invitation to “the Van”. The purveyor of Cambridge’s finest artery-clogging fodder had somehow managed to pro- Your career is cure her telephone number as well as her cheesy chips without the lady remembering anything of it. No wonder when no laughing one considers the parallels between fast-food and speed- dating. matter.

Trinity Hall Webbed feat C M Cambridge Spies met Cam- bridge Spider, when havingY failed to net a lady, our reCM - cently single protagonist returned home to find a web-likeMY structure installed in his room.CY Strings were suspended between various items: the doorCMY handle had been tied to the aerK - ial of a DAB digital radio, and a chair had been coupled up with a copy of Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. The culprit, the victim’s ex, was discovered lying topless on the bed, having paused thoughtfully between web-making and sleep to vomit on the floor.

Robinson Copping a feel Red Gate Software is the ideal place to kick-start your career. A Model gentleman, having his Ranked 8th in The Sunday Times ‘Best Small Companies to wicked way with a girl beside a main road, gave the impres- Work For’, we offer small company culture with big aspirations. sion to onlooking motorists that the copulation was not entirely mutually agreeable. Thank- fully, our country’s laws deem For your opportunity to shine contact us at www.red-gate.com unwanted penetration to be ille- gal, dubbing it “rape”. The pass- or call careers on 01223 438556 ing drivers clearly put two and two together, and immediately phoned the local constabulary with some concern. The fuzz were quick to answer their call, but unfortunately by the time Red Gate Software Ltd. of their arrival the gentleman St John’s Innovation Centre, t: +44 (0)870 160 0037 ext.8556 and his belle had long since dis- Cowley Road, Cambridge f: +44 (0)870 063 5117 appeared, presumably to take CB4 0WS United Kingdom e: [email protected] their shenanigans to a more ap- www.red-gate.com ingeniously simple tools propriate locale. Something to say? Friday February 15 2008 8 EDITORIAL&LETTERS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Le t t e r s [email protected]

Boxing blues for me” with physical aggression) for the same reason that I would expect a female Sir, friend to shout “What a fucking cock!” at Issue 672, 15 February 2008 Of late, I have received several complaints from students concerning the conduct of a “boxing Blue”. Each of them has met a “boxing Blue” at some point this year, or the tail end of last, and has phoned to complain Row on Williams that the “boxer” in question has behaved the top of her lungs, or take a well-aimed in a boorish, arrogant manner at Univer- handbag-swing at him. I would expect sity events, from college formals to society people who care about me to hurl expletives It was disappointing to see Dr Rowan Williams heckled outside St Mary’s squashes. at predatory sex pests, regardless of their Church on Saturday and to receive such vitriolic condemnation in the It is boxing and I expect the lads to be gender. fairly full of themselves; I’m not looking for national press. At a time of such public disunity and insecurity, his open- shy, retiring types. But I’m keen to stamp on Yours faithfully, minded honesty should have been praised, not chastised. Dr Williams was, behaviour that brings the Club into disre- after all, not advocating the radical implementation of the full Islamic penal pute. Olivia Sudjic, This particular “Blues boxer” does not Trinity Hall code but rather the sensitive treatment of different cultures, of which Islam come to mind, and it would seem we have is just one, within British and European law. While he must have known some mystery boxer out there who is claiming to be a Blues boxer. A petty offence I Re: porters that his couched but convoluted words would have provoked such a hysteric agree, but my lads work very hard to even reaction, he should rightfully be disappointed that yet again Britain’s mass get to the final squad of 18 from the 80 that Sir, media has taken what were perfectly reasonable, measured and conciliatory start, and even then only nine will make the final cut at the start of March each year. I wish to respond to your article report- remarks completely out of context. At that point they have given time, effort ing the conviction of the Head Porter of The furore has at least reminded us of two important lessons. The first and. quite literally, blood, sweat and tears St John’s (Issue 671). I am particularly to make the Varsity team. You can imagine outraged with the closing quotation of the is obvious; the country’s news outlets, this publication included, are too that some sections of the club would be very article: “Now that two have been convicted sensationalist and too eager to kowtow to populist opinion. Unfortunately, unimpressed by a person claiming to be a of serious offences, we’ve lost all faith in the in our celebrity-fuelled and reactionary culture, this is unlikely to change. boxing Blue, and not just claiming, but wear- St. John’s porters.” First, I have every faith ing the Blues jacket as well. in the porters and custodians of St. John’s The second lesson is more subtle; as a population, we have too weak an Those who have encountered this “boxer” College; they are friendly, helpful and hard understanding of what Shariah law is. Too many of us still have some hazy have said he looks decidedly “weasly”. He working people who deserve the respect of has declared on various occasions that he is students. Second, concerning the “two por- vision of Shariah as one endless string of misogynistic and homophobic the “head of sports at Hughes”, a “research ters convicted of serious criminal offences”, stonings when in fact there is a very great disparity in the execution of fellow at Eddies”, and “one of the 2006 Blues Mr Bailey’s conviction occurred over two Islamic Law in Muslim societies around the world. While some of the horror boxing team”. He sports a Blues blazer and years ago, prior to the student responsible is described as having a “foreign-sounding” for this quotation even attending St. John’s. stories may have some credence, and some Shariah laws despicably only name. I have every confidence in Mr Bailey, this favour men, it is important to remember that in many cases, Shariah law is In your recent edition you “outed” a “fake conviction had no impact on his ability to restricted to civil rather than criminal cases. Let’s not be so quick to judge a student” at Trinity (‘Imposter apprehended perform his job, and I suspect it is mortify- after year-long deceit’, Issue 670), I would be ing for him to have this indiscretion dredged system which many of us know little about. interested if anyone knows who this “Blues up from the distant past. In regard to Mr boxer” is, and if they are a fake to either join Hay, I cannot defend him without knowledge the boxing club and actually trial, or give up of the circumstances that surround his con- claiming to have done what only 800 people viction; all I will say is that throughout the have ever done in 100 years of Cambridge two and a half years that I have known him Who’s who? boxing. I am happy to supply the last 100 he was always approachable and performed years worth of names that have received his job with discretion and respect for all. Many will be surprised by the widespread ignorance of the identities of Blues from CUABC. I will miss seeing him around the college. Finally, I would like to say thank you to all some of the most important members of the university. However, it must Yours faithfully, the porters and custodians at St. John’s, I be remembered that it is not necessarily the duty of these people to be in appreciate what you do for this college and Vincent O’Shea, its students, especially at this difficult time. the public eye. Better for them to be attending to their significant and wide- Coach, CUABC reaching duties with diligence and tact than to be needlessly prominent; this Yours faithfully, will only hamper their ability to perform their job. It is when officials pander Hughes errors Alex Wilsham, to the public that politics is at its worst. Self-promotion should be reserved for St. John’s entertainers. Jimmy Carr’s high recognition-rating in this week’s Varsity survey Sir, is a testament to the comedian’s success. I was disappointed to read an article in Var- Sexual tension More often than not publicity which might improve public knowledge sity last week (‘“Corruption” at Cambridge’, of officials is indicative of deficiency on their part, or on the part of the Issue 671) that gave space and credence Sir, to the idea that Hughes Hall is somehow a organisation which they might represent. If someone’s profile is low, it might substandard college involved in jeopardising In response to Asad Kiyani’s comment piece just be the case that they’re getting on with their job, and good for them. a student’s opportunities. The allegations (‘Theatre as therapy’, Issue 670), I fail to see that you reported last week under the ironic how violence against women (implicitly, by title of “News” are nearly 15 years old and men) is any different from violence against Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies to every Cam- contain serious errors because much of the men, which would surely be the world’s most bridge college and to ARU each week. article is cut or paraphrased directly from prevalent form of violence if we are to divide the diatribe of an embittered former student by sex. Editors Tom Bird and George Grist [email protected] Associate Editors Joe Godsend and Ed Cumming associate@ of the University. Hughes Hall is a vibrant, Domestic violence is not a one-way street, varsity.co.uk News Editors Tangerine Dowley, Richard Super Power Sayeed and Isabelonabike Shapiro news@ active and dynamic college and from what I to mention it only in the light of “violence varsity.co.uk Comment Editor Asad Coolness Kiyani [email protected] Features Editors Tash Lennard and gather from many old members who return against women” is at best ignorant, at worst Busta Rhymes [email protected] Arts Editors Huge va Gye and we love Patrick Kingsley [email protected] regularly to our May Ball, it has been this dishonest and misandric. It is well docu- Sport Editors Henry Standard and Luke Warm Thorne [email protected] way for many years. It is full of hard-work- mented that men and women perpetrate Senior News Reporter Emma Inkstar [email protected] Science Editor Kevin Kool [email protected] Fashion ing and hard-socialising people who enjoy generalised acts of domestic violence against Editors Beatrice Perry and Olivia Sudjic [email protected] Visual Arts Editor Anna Wench visualarts@varsity. some of the best accommodation and best each other at equal rates (see Murray A. co.uk Theatre Editor Alex Rizzla [email protected] Literary Editor Ned Hercock [email protected] food provided by any Cambridge college. Straus’ pioneering work). Film Editor Ravi Amaratunga [email protected] Music & Listings Editors Daniel Cohen, Oli Robinson and Verity The “reclamation” of Valentine’s Day as Simpson [email protected], [email protected] Classical Editor Toby Chadd [email protected] Food & Keir Shiels, a day to remember all the horrible acts of Drink Editor Uncle Monty [email protected] MCR President, violence some men have perpetrated against Chief Subeditor Jane Hall [email protected] Chief Photo Editor Jason Taylor [email protected] Hughes Hall women down the years seems as perverse, Chief Photographers Dylan Spencer-Davidson and Lizzie Robinson [email protected] negative and narrow-minded as “reclaiming” Business & Advertising Manager The Ringer [email protected] Company Secretary Patricia Dalby Remembrance Sunday as an opportunity for [email protected] Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof Peter Robinson, Tom Walters, Amy Hunter blatherer the glorification of war. Goodwin (Varsoc President), Chris Wright, Michael Derringer, Joe Gosden, Natalie Woolman, Lizzie Mitchell, Elliot Ross, Tom Bird, George Grist *Some names have been changed Sir, Yours faithfully,

In response to Joe Hunter’s ‘Yes’ position in Tom Mason,

NEWSPAPERS Varsity Publications, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 last week’s varsity debate (‘Are men worth Queens’ SUPPORT 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications it?’, Issue 671) could I just say that I have, RECYCLING also publishes BlueSci, The Cambridge Globalist and The Mays. ©2008 Varsity Publications Ltd. Recycled paper made as advised, “thought carefully” about why it up 80.6% of the raw All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system material for UK is that I would expect my boyfriend to stand newspapers in 2006 or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Mortons Print Ltd — Newspaper up for me if a drunk tried to grope me and Write the letter of the week and win a bottle House,RECYCLING Morton Way, Horncastle, Lincolnshire LN9 6JR. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. then called me a “slag”. I would expect him from our friends at the Cambridge Wine to stand up for me (not necessarily to “fight Merchants Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] DEBATE 9

De b a t e Formalising sharia

The Archbishop of Canterbury’s insistence last week that the formalisation of sharia law was inevitable sparked an outcry across the UK. While Rowan Williams suggested the integration would be limited, he continued to be excoriated in the media. Varsity Comment asks whether sharia law should be formally integrated, in the limited fashion suggested by the Archbishop.

Rachelle Ed Arulanantham YesMaltby No

ike many, my initial reaction to were naive. Perhaps so. But we must take owan Williams’ proposals might leaders, many people would find themselves reports that the Archbishop of the context into account. This was a key- seem reasonable enough. He with even less protection. Canterbury advocates officially note academic lecture, in Temple Church, defends the right of believers to Williams proposes regulatory bodies of introducing Sharia law to the UK opening a series of public discussions practice their religion in a secular religious scholars. But who would elect their Lwas one of bemusement, even outrage. Yet entitled ‘Islam in English Law’, suggest- Rsociety and that the law must take this members? Other priests. And what if these the more I read, the more I felt a different ing the issue is already of importance. As seriously: “citizenship in a secular society bodies started upholding reactionary rulings? outrage – not at the Archbishop, but at the mentioned, informal Sharia courts already should not necessitate the abandoning of Many religious leaders make a great show disparity between his actual speech and the exist, while accommodation is made in religious discipline, any more than religious of their ‘cosmopolitan’ credentials whilst hysterical, semi-xenophobic reaction by the English law for ‘Sharia-friendly’ mortgag- discipline should deprive one of access to secretly harbouring outright bigoted views. public and media. es among other things. The Archbishop liberties secured by the law of the land, to I have a confession to make. I like to specifically discussed whether to further the common benefits of secular citizenship”. think of myself as a law-abiding British formalise Sharia’s relationship with Eng- Socialists would agree here. We defend “How much power would citizen. Yet I also live according to religious lish law, and if so how. freedom of worship, though we steadfastly laws which inform my diet, dress, daily rou- Here, the media has let us all down. Dr oppose religious attacks on other rights and religious courts want? tine, and behaviour towards others. These Williams was widely reported as say- freedoms. A secular society must protect laws are not Sharia but Halakha, followed ing that some UK citizens ‘do not relate religious freedoms, and its laws shouldn’t How far into society would worldwide by Orthodox Jews. to the British legal system.’ In fact, he stigmatise or persecute any religious group. Like every legal system, Halakha has its opened his lecture (worth reading in full) Democracy means minority rights. But Wil- religious leaders try to own courts. While smaller courts exist in by noting ‘the presence of communities liams’ proposal that democratically-drawn extend their influence?” the UK, the London Beth Din (est. 1870) is who, while no less ‘law-abiding’…relate up, secular law should “loosen its monopolis- acknowledged as the overall authority. In to something other than the British legal tic framework” has sinister implications. addition to kosher certification, it oversees system alone.’ This distinction is crucial. Officially-recognised religious courts exist, marriages, divorces, conversions, and (if Muslims and Jews all have an equal obliga- like the Jewish-Orthodox Beth Din. Quar- Tariq Ramadan, a Muslim scholar who Wil- agreed by both parties) cases of civil arbi- tion to live under UK law, as well as by relling parties can go before a Rabbi, who liams appears to consider a moderate, says their own laws – of course, requiring ne- will produce a ruling. If both parties declare that “a Muslim woman cannot marry a man gotiation when the two conflict, but never that they agree to abide by the rabbinical from another religion”. Sir Iqbal Sacranie, with the aim of ‘trumping’ UK law. decision, the Beth Din’s ruling is considered founding leader of the Muslim Council of “Muslims and Jews all have This dialogue can even be helpful. Take legally binding by UK courts. As the BBC Britain, described homosexuality as “unac- divorce – Jews must obtain a religious di- puts it, “people may legally devise their own ceptable” and compares it to a disease. an equal obligation to live vorce from the Beth Din in order to avoid way to settle a dispute in front of an agreed How much power would religious courts under UK law, as well as by future marriage difficulties, but they must third party so long as both sides agree to the want? How far into society would religious also obtain a civil divorce. Furthermore, process.” leaders try to extend their influence? Secular- their own laws. ” thanks to the two systems’ integration, If two free and consenting parties want ists cannot afford to be complacent. Religions a woman can withhold the civil decree to find their own, equitable way of solving rarely voluntarily curb their own power. absolute if her husband refuses to grant a dispute, that’s fine. But when it comes to When given the chance, as in Spain, Ire- a religious divorce, helping to resolve dif- conservative, traditionalist religious com- land, the USA and Iran, priests grab power ficult cases for Jewish women. munities, questions of consent are far from and don’t let go. In the last couple of years, tration between Jews. There may well be similar positives clear-cut. Cardinals O’Brien and Murphy O’Connor These courts operate perfectly legally for formalising Sharia courts in the UK If the Government has given her the op- have told Catholics how to vote in the general under a concession made by English law. for matrimonial issues. It is precisely tion of going to a Sharia court rather than election, and threatened Catholic MPs with Yet – as seen this week – the average non- this recognition of life under two legal to a secular court to settle a marital dispute, excommunication if they vote the wrong way Jewish Brit has never heard of them. This systems and the possibilities for negotia- a young Muslim woman in a close-knit, con- on abortion. is understandable. After all, Btei Din have tion between them which the Archbishop servative community may find herself under The secular freedoms we enjoy in soci- no impact whatsoever on you. There is no explores – not only for Muslims, but also a great deal of pressure to choose an Imam ety today weren’t won without a fight, and reason why Sharia courts, operating along the wider religious community. over a solicitor. A Catholic worker employed religious leaders are still determined to claw the same lines and with the same restric- Interestingly, Muslims’ overall reactions by a member of his diocese, say, who, given back power for themselves. Only a fully secu- tions (e.g., no penal cases), can’t work with have been to publicly reject the Arch- the choice, went to an industrial tribunal to lar, democratic state can defend our rights. the same minimum of fuss. In fact, on an bishop’s comments. This may be to deflect file a claim against his boss, rather than to We must defend freedom of religion. We informal basis, they already do. Islamophobia, or a genuine acceptance a priest, might find himself shunned must guard against religious influ- Some have argued of the current status quo. However, by the rest of his congregation. If ence in politics. the Archbishop’s unlike Halakha, interpretations of the family of a young Orthodox Jew remarks Sharia currently range widely, with gave her the choice between going to no real consensus between Britain’s the Beth Din rather than a secular diverse Muslim communities. While court, or being disinherited, an authority modelled upon the how “free” would her deci- London Beth Din could poten- sion to abide by the rabbinical tially aid long-term stabilisa- ruling be? For marginal and tion, the complex issues will vulnerable groups (especially require much debate by Islamic women, gays and apostates) scholars as well as by legal experts. within conservative religious com- Ultimately, it will be up to them, not munities, it is often hard enough as the Archbishop, to decide the issue of UK it is to stand up to family and priestly Sharia. More importantly, we should be authority: the threats of being disowned open in principle to the idea - not resort- by one’s community and of eternal damna- ing to a knee-jerk reaction to the worst tion, are real and traumatic enough. But if aspects of Sharia that, in turn, brings out the government were to officially recognise the worst in us. the pronouncements of unelected religious Comment Editor: Asad Kiyani Friday February 15 2008 10 COMMENT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/comment

Katy Lee Emperor of the EU Vain or not, Blair is the best candidate for President

eports that Tony Blair their guess that he only wants it if – central to the job – will not appeal attitude of many of the 14,000 who Varsity has, of late, been subjected is considering a bid for turns out to be infl uential and high- to him at all. Given the presidency, have already signed the online peti- to a certain amount of censure. the EU presidency have, profi le enough. His appetite for the Blair will be so preoccupied with tion against his candidacy is that the Earnest and indignant members predictably, met with more limelight is seemingly insatiable. prancing on the world stage that International Criminal Court’s dock of the student body have been Ror less universal displeasure. It’s a There are rumours he is interested he’ll neglect his more humdrum would be a more appropriate place launching left, right and cen- kind of Pavlovian response: seven partly because his Middle East job duties. for him than a smart Brussels offi ce. tre into vitriolic tirades against months after he left offi ce, we still doesn’t afford him enough promi- This is not a fair or helpful as- French statesmen Valéry Giscard student journalism. Even the tend to react with an automatic sessment of Blair’s sensibilities. He d’Estaing and Edouard Balladur more moderate dissenters have antipathy whenever we see him. may well want the job primarily have both argued that the fi rst expressed relief that the news- Blair’s trouble is that he has not because the idea of being the “face president must come from a country paper provides a solution to their allowed us enough time to properly of Europe” appeals to his vanity. fully committed to all EU policies, weekend loo roll shortage. miss him. It may be that, like the But his penchant for glamour does including the euro. Smaller coun- Criticisms over superfi ciality of Spice Girls, he will one day be able not mean he would do a bad job in tries are inevitably wary about key tone, sensationalism of topic and to return to the glare and be greet- the EU. If anything, Blair’s anxiety jobs being fi lled by big shots from uselessness of restaurant reviews ed only with a wave of nostalgia. to secure himself a place in the the richest and most powerful EU are always rounded off with a short The point is that for this to happen, history books drove him, during his members. All in all, given that heads snort of derision and exclamations he needs to disappear for a while. premiership, to change Britain and of EU governments will pick the such as “wittering garbage!” or It would be acceptable for him to the world for the better. president by majority, it’s doubtful “what tosh!” busy himself by churning out books, Granted, he made wrong, he will come out top. Who cares for competing college like Churchill, while he waits. It sometimes disastrous judgements German Chancellor Angela “fi tties” or apocryphal tales told would be even better if he could in attempting to do so. But just as Merkel could emerge as a more tol- in euphemistic winks about deans discover a passion for farming, like Blair is aware that his reputation erable candidate if, as some predict, interrupting anonymous blues Eden. But Blair has declined to will never recover from Iraq, he is she is pushed from offi ce this year. who are wetting themselves in the fade into oblivion even temporar- nence - he will not play a key role in aware that the stakes of the EU She does not have Blair’s panache, middle of a threesome with their ily. Seemingly not content with a this year’s Israeli-Palestinian talks, post could be high. If he is to be the but she might meet less resistance bedder and a Big Issue seller on multi-million pound book deal, a and will instead be resigned to the fi rst full-time Council president, he from smaller states than him, and the dancefl oor of Cindy’s? £2.5 million salary from JP Morgan, apparently more prosaic task of will be desperate to be remembered she generally inspires less abhor- In laboratories deep beneath the and the cash he’s made on the inter- supporting economic and political as a great one – particularly since rence. She also carries more clout university scientists are curing national conference circuit, he has development in Palestine. this could be his last public job on the world stage than Wolfgang cancer and working out why su- felt compelled to stay in the public The assumption is that he covets before he “retires” to give over- Schüssel or Jean-Claude Juncker, perglue doesn’t stick to the inside eye by becoming the quartet’s Mid- the presidency of the EU Council priced lectures in earnest. He has the other names that are being of the tube, but Varsity is too busy dle East envoy. He’s now allowing because the Lisbon Treaty’s loose the talent and experience to go with bandied about. reporting on another JCR squab- himself to be touted, apparently re- job description suggests the new the ambition, too. As a seasoned ne- So Blair will probably see himself ble between the ents secretary and luctantly, as a strong candidate for president could act as the “face of gotiator, there is no reason why he cheated out of this chance to add the events offi cer in which insults a job which would involve another Europe”. The only part of the job could not preside competently over another chapter to his memoirs. were exchanged and digestive fi ve years of him shaking important that genuinely interests him is “ex- bargaining within the Council. But he has plenty of material to be biscuits hurled. hands and grinning from the pages ternal representation of the Union It’s unfortunate for Blair there getting on with already. The most Outside the bubble there are of newspapers. on issues concerning its common are so many factors suggesting he considerate course of action might wars, recessions and politicians It’s not his attraction to the job foreign and security policy”. The won’t get the job. Iraq is the biggest just be to make himself scarce and swimming in scandal. Inside the per se that irritates people. It’s patient chairing of tedious meetings black mark against his name. The get quietly writing. bubble the response is a chart asserting the self-evident fact that mathmos don’t have sex. Jacob “For any of Varsity’s Leland Pan-European progress pragmatic purposes The greater integration of Europe is smart and successful there is inevitably another media outlet doing the job ew people in Britain these knowledge of Britain’s history. This brings to mind the third ten years the EU has repealed days will dispute the innu- Those who have perhaps given main criticism, that the EU is more directives than it has put on better” merable advantages that the issue marginally more thought a vast, unwieldy and ineffi cient the statute book, and much of the the liberalisation of free beyond the initial kneejerk reac- bureaucratic monster which gob- legislation that has been produced Fmarket structures and closer eco- tion often cite the issue of sover- bles up our taxes at one end and is eminently sensible stuff, ensur- But what can one expect? If one nomic integration in Europe have eignty. The idea is that the EU is defecates useless legislation at the ing the safety and well-being of wishes to read about the news out- brought, however speak of greater trying, for some reason or other, to other. European citizens (and I won’t side of a college bop then pick up political integration and most Brit- gradually erode Britain’s sover- This is quite far from the reality. even dignify ‘bendy banana’ myths a copy of the Cambridge Evening ons will react at best with a rather eignty by stealth until Britain Apart from the pointless waste of with a response). News, or better still buy a na- vague sense of unenthusiasm, but becomes some sort of vassal state time and resources engendered by Even where one does not fi nd tional newspaper. For informative more frequently with outright to Brussels. antipathy towards the EU, apathy and comprehensive reviews the hostility. The fault in this logic is that the reigns. A Model European Council internet is a seemingly limitless When the people in the latter EU administrative and legislative conference is to be held in Cam- resource populated by amateur category are pushed for a justifi ca- structures are not composed of “This model of bridge later this month. In addition journalists who don’t spend their tion of their disdain, more often some breed of stateless megalo- to many overseas participants, afternoons thinking of witty com- than not it turns out they object maniacs, but by men and women opposition takes no there will be numerous people who ments to fi ll the yawning Sunday not to the European project in who, like us, have passports and account of the vast have applied from Cambridge and theatre space in the weekly View principle, but rather to Britain be- national allegiances, and (a minor- other UK universities. Yet the pro- listings. ing a part of it. ity of federalists aside) wish to cultural differences portion of these who are actually In fact for any of Varsity’s prag- The view that emerges is one preserve the sovereign rights of British is depressingly small. matic purposes there is inevitably of polarity and disparity. Britain their mother country, whilst fur- found within Europe” It seems that the British just another media outlet doing the job somehow stands aloof from the thering the cause of pan-European don’t want to be part of the pan- better. Except, of course, for host- rest of Europe, as if the tiny sliver cooperation. European decision making process, ing the self-indulgent scribblings of sea that separates us from the For instance, why would the having plenary sessions of the Eu- which is a pity considering how of the likes of me. And for provid- continent were a vast tumultuous Baltic States, who struggled so ropean Parliament in Strasbourg much infl uence Britain could have ing fodder for lazy columnists who ocean, an unbridgeable cultural long to achieve independence from and the main negotiations and of- in Europe if its voice were not think student shenanigans are gulf. One hears statements such as the Soviet Union, immediately fi ces in Brussels, the EU is actually always weakened by infi ghting at worthy of mention. “We are different from Europe”, wish to jettison all their sovereign a very effi cient organisation - only home. The idea of an article justifying or even “Britain is not part of rights and join another centralised 31,000 people work in the Euro- The most precious thing that the existence of Varsity within Europe”, the latter of which surely power bloc? pean Commission, a bureaucratic the European project has brought the hallowed pages of Varsity is a would come as a surprise to any In most EU countries other than institution that serves over half is 60 years of peace and stability rather pleasing irony. Like holding geographer. Britain the question of integration a billion people. Compare that to on our continent (which includes a march to defend the right to The objection to such statements is simply not controversial. People 500,000 for the UK Civil Service, Britain), something our grand- protest, except more smug. But is twofold. This model of opposi- from across the political spectrum and the fact that much of the ‘red parents’ and great-grandparents’ the critics, inevitably sitting and tion, which regards Europe as a support the European project not tape’ that is perceived to come generation would not have dared swilling hearty ales in the corner single entity, takes no account of due to any Federalist leanings or from the EU in fact comes from to hope for. of curious pubs which they like the vast cultural differences found over-earnest convictions about the our own administration. Given that this project is ex- because they’re not ‘crammed within Europe. It also ignores the destiny of our continent, but sim- For every directive that the panding both geographically and with undergraduates’, may have a innumerable similarities between ply due to a belief that Europe, and EU produces, Britain produces in scope and depth, it would be point. Varsity is self-centred and Britain and our continental neigh- the constituent countries that form an average of 2.6 implementing a great pity for Britain to stand capricious, but only as much as the bours, which will be obvious for it, is stronger and more effective documents, compared with only aloof, beholden to the bizarre average Cambridge student. anyone with even the most cursory when it acts as a unit. 0.89 in Portugal. In fact, in the past prejudices of some opponents. Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] COMMENT 11

I had never knowingly credited anyone who possessed hair exten- sions with the slightest inclination towards quick wittedness until last weekend. I was sitting in Gatwick, waiting for a plane which - it tran- spired - was delayed by four hours. Small potatoes for one who is an Idler by trade, and the flâneur in me was rewarded immediately. A hairy rhino of a man with a ripe-brie stomach charged at the desk from which the offending announcement had just been made, bellowing, “Don’t you know who I am ?” His peroxide target operating the Tannoy system evidently did not. Looking coolly at him for a moment, and being unable to place his bloated, bristly face in any recent reality show, she bent down toward her microphone and said, with a certain chutzpah found only by those who have lived in Slough, “A man at gate 24 appears to have forgotten his identity, anyone able to assist him, please come to the front of the queue.” Such is the danger of celebrity shelf-life. I always find it immensely grati- fying to see a celebrity expending their last reserves of battery power in a flailing bid to remain famous by suddenly becoming ‘useful’ - think former pop stars who now do adverts for thrush cream. It is a wonder (and yet a delight) that no one at Kellogg’s bothered to inform Ian Wright/ Jo Frost/ Philippa Forrester before they began their arduous scientific research into Edd the conundrum of the cabalistic cornflake, that their findings (lit- Mustill Fighting against fees tle Sandeep, who eats cereal, is less likely, by and large - if you’ll Despite the NUS’s failings, students can still object to fee hikes excuse the pun - to have a successful career in sumo-wrestling than Brunhilda, who skips breakfast but eats her own bodyweight in lard each day) would hardly warrant a ince the introduction of tuition fees, and selves benefited from a free university educa- In the future, they would be able to veto any cry of eureka. especially top-up fees in 2006, the idea of tion. Part by part, from school dinners to the student campaigning on financial grounds. Of Career-grafting is rarely suc- education as a universal right has been construction of city academies, the state educa- course a leadership that has instigated such a cessful, as shown by the episode of systematically attacked. After next year, tion system is being privatised. The introduc- silent coup against the ideals and structure of Arrested Development in which Sthe cap on the amount of money universities tion of fees and the marketisation of education the union clearly has no interest in the demo- Tobias’ entrepreneurial combina- are allowed to charge will be raised to an as are not two separate issues - they are inextri- cratic involvement of rank-and-file students in tion of Analyst and Therapist yet unspecified amount, and the days of free cably linked by ideology. The supremacy of the political campaigning. Many of the sabbatical of- produces a business card which university education will seem further away free market allows our schools to be effectively ficers at the top of the union have not even been reads Analrapist. than ever. Instead, students will be encouraged bought by businessmen and religious funda- students since before the introduction of top-up It baffles me why these damp to “shop around” for a course that gives them mentalists under the city academies scheme, fees, instead spending their days progressing squibs don’t just kick the bucket “value for money” while universities with a bet- and the commodification of learning leads to the through the bureaucratic full-time hierarchy of and cruise into ambrosial retire- ter reputation charge higher fees. introduction of fees. Free-market capitalism is the NUS. ment; an infomercial is surely as With the introduction of fees in educational an ideology that denies the utility or even exist- As a result, the self-organisation of students jarring a death knell as any. Even institutions, knowledge becomes a product to ence of learning for the benefit of society, or is vital. February 21 will see the third national us mere mortals who must feed the be sold to those that can afford it. This has been learning for learning’s own sake. It is reasoned day of action of the Campaign to Defeat Fees, hungry maw of a mortgage know the case for years with private schools and tu- that everything worthwhile must benefit the which last year involved students on over fifty when to quit, and, more impor- tors, which can also prepare the children of the individual by better preparing them for the campuses nationwide. Local victories have tantly, how to quit. rich for the application processes of Oxbridge. job market. Everyone must pay their own way been won against cuts in the public sector, Only yesterday on a walk back Already, the proportion of students from lower through the system. including proposals to close university faculties. from Grantchester I witnessed income backgrounds applying to university has In opposition to this is the socialist view of However, over a national issue like tuition fees, every pensioner’s idyll. For a mo- suffered from the introduction of fees. At least education, the view that everyone regardless a co-ordinated national campaign is vital. In the ment I thought I had accidentally three-quarters of undergraduates are in debt, of their age or background is entitled to learn, face of the NUS leadership’s lack of political will trespassed on a WOMAD rehears- with the average debt by the end of a course just as they are entitled to food, shelter and for such a movement, alternatives are available. al as a band of about thirty wheat- now pushing £20,000. health care. These ideas has been mauled by The first step to winning victories through shod OAPs (half of whom were The news which emerged a couple of weeks successive governments but are still very much campaigning is to break the mental barrier in romping in the sunlit fields, the ago, that the country’s top universities have alive, as shown by the thousands of people who so many people’s minds that tells them, “Things other half constructing a defensive failed to spend millions of pounds of bursary have marched against hospital cuts in recent might be bad but there is nothing we can do fort, some in armour, some in full- money allocated to help poorer students, only years, or protested against the building of city about it”. In the end this will be achieved length white velour cloaks, most serves to prove that any sort of bursary scheme academies for fear of a selective education through the experience of individuals. The brandishing wooden swords, and is no substitute for a free, publicly funded system developing. Unfortunately, the leader- political culture in most universities mirrors one wielding an axe) were busily education system. Cambridge University ship of the National Union of Students (NUS) that of wider society. It is seized and strangled recreating some kind of Arthu- underspent by hundreds of thousands of pounds has given up on this sort of activism. Instead by a group of professional “politicians” or union rian battle to the warblings of a equal to 15% of its bursary budget. Overall they propose nothing but lobbies of ministers bureaucrats. Grass-roots activism is the cure minstrel in a leather jerkin. This at least half of the Russell Group universities who consistently ignore them. Their current for apathy, because it involves people in a direct beatific vision - only tarnished by underspent. Here, though, the bursary sys- slogan of “Keep the cap” concedes defeat in the form of democracy that many have never before the presence of a few Warhammer tem is more complicated than most. There are ideological argument, and presumes to speak experienced and because, contrary to popular enthusiasts, whose pock-marked university bursaries, college bursaries, those for all students while doing so. belief, it often works. In the long run it is the faces crusted with fake blood, arbitrarily awarded to students on a certain This attitude is hardly surprising, since the only thing that does. resembled bits of biltong - is how course, from a certain part of the country or NUS - at the whim of the leadership - is in the retirement should be, and someone even a particular school. process of transforming itself from a union into The Campaign to Defeat Fees in Cambridge is should find that mystery Gatwick Meanwhile, proposals to sell off student loans a charity. Under a proposed new constitution holding a rally at Anglia Ruskin University rhino and tell him before he hones to the private sector have quietly made their that will be put to a vote at this year’s annual at 12 noon on February 21st, and a meeting in his expertise in plasma lipids and way through the House of Commons with the conference, unelected non-students would hold Keynes Hall, King’s College at 5pm. takes over Carol Vorderman’s support of government ministers who them- positions on the governing body of the NUS. Benecol adverts. rr CUSU ELECTIONS

Nominations open Midday Wednesday 20th February. www.cusu.cam.ac.uk/union/elections W h a t d o y o u s t a n d f o r ?

www.cambridgerag.org.uk/fashionshowwww.cambridgerag.org.uk/fashionshow

CambridgeCambridge University University Students’Students’ Union Union EntsEnts Friday February 15 2008 varsity.co.uk

“I used to do things like put Coco Puffs up my ass”

AGE 23 JACK BLACK - P

Editor of Vogue, Alexandra Shulman Page 19

Mountain Goats interview Page 20

A Cambridge Casanova on love poetry Page 22 VIEW Features Editors: Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton Friday February 15 2008 14 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features Shackleton and Scott’s ECCENTRIC EVENINGS Cumming On a Treadmill is Week: Lindy hop have recently taken up ex- comic series ‘Spiderman’. Mr Shackleton and Mr Scott invite you on a journey into ercise, in the allegedly ‘mild’ You can only imagine how Cambridge’s strangest subcultures form of occasional jogging. frustrating it was when it didn’t IThis is largely because I am happen at all like that. After ack in the 20s, ‘Scott Scotty’ Scott and ourselves for our fi rst lesson. overweight, obviously. There are jogging to Parker’s Piece, I was ‘Boogaloo’ Shackleton were quite the fi x- Thankfully, our instructors went easy on us, only two sorts of people who go sweating so profusely that I had tures on the hip circuit. We ate jazz, slept breaking us in with the Charleston Step. The jogging: fat people who want to to sit on a bench, where quickly Bjazz and breathed in jazz cigarettes. We could Viscount scoffed at the move’s simplicity: at its be thinner, and crazy people. the perspiration caused my am- do the Double Bugg better than Hebert ‘Whitey’ best, the Charleston Step looks like a stylish walk Ask yourself, when you get bitiously sleeveless Nike t-shirt White, pulled out the Collegiate Shag with our backwards and forwards. However, it is precisely home, which category you fall to mould rather exactly the eyes closed and spoke a mean jive to boot. So we co-ordinated to 8 beats, and both Scott and I had into, and adjust your spiritual contours of my upper torso. This Jumpin’ Joe’d at the chance lost our Jazz-Age smoothness. self-worth accordingly. unfortunate state of affairs, to iron our spats and hot foot Things were quickly complicated However, it is also partially combined with my sedentary it down the Norfolk Road for by the addition of a dance partner. because I think it’s good to try posture, made aspects of my a night of Lindy Hopping. My long limbs, never allies of grace, everything once, with the obvi- anatomy somewhat resemble Granted, it had been a proved tough to keep up with, and ous exceptions of Dr Pepper and those of a lady, a fact not lost on while since those heady days, Scott was simply terrifi ed by close bungee jumping (the former a quintet of passing schoolchil- so we enrolled ourselves in female contact. Just as we began to because I am engaged in legal dren, who demonstrated both a the absolute beginners’ class. feel comfortable with our progress, proceedings with the company surprising boldness with their Unfortunately, Cambridge’s the instructors threw a spanner over the exact sense of the word elders and an extensive, readily premiere Lindy Hop venue, into the works by adding the Face- ‘misunderstood’, and the latter available vocabulary of biologi- The Man On The Moon is no To-Face Charleston. This move simply because as a concept I cal terminology. Renaissance Ballroom. The involved pushing one’s partner into think it’s madder than a bin full After a few minutes sat on the classes take place in a grotty position while keeping time and, of Britney). bench, whilst I thought about gig room, which was met with more importantly, a cool demean- Although this said, it might how they collectively resembled disapproval by our canny ac- our. Our abilities only led to a lot be more accurate to say that nothing so much as a hive of complice, the Viscount. A quick glance around the of shoving and tussling, but without the hoped-for exercise has taken up me. Cer- miniature, navvy Gordon Ram- clientele revealed a wide range of ages, with some frisson. tainly it feels like I’m the one says, and how Gordon Ramsay’s looking like relics of our uptown days. Scott’s face said it all – we had failed to mas- being lifted, and then dropped, face resembles a sphincter, I Our instructors were an eager pair from the ter the Charleston or any of its variants. Despite heavily, back to the fl oor again, composed myself enough for other side of the Atlantic. Their low-key appear- offers to swing the night away, we retreated and and certainly I’m the charitable lunch as they scampered on ance gave no hint of their considerable lindy headed to the Viscount’s mansion to drown our case in the exchange. Exercise their merry way, presumably to prowess, and their initial demonstration elicited a sorrows in his moonshine. doesn’t owe me anything, whilst set fi re to a dog turd, or loiter in frightened murmur from Scott. The Viscount and For information on Lindy-Hopping classes in I, over the years, have clocked a newsagent’s all at the same I, however, were made of sterner stuff, and braced Cambridge, go to www.cambridgelindy.com a number of savage crimes time. I wandered up with cus- against exercise. For instance, tomary joie de vivre, only to be just last weekend I visited three turned away from the door, mys- restaurants within two hours, teriously on grounds of ‘odour’. Face Off just for fun. My pleas for clemency, and even Two things I have noticed on offers of eating in the loo, cut no ey’re fi t, you’re fi ckle. Who’s fi tter? ere’s the pickle these tentative jogs are that my mustard. heart beats faster, and hurts, It was really quite depressing. Round 3: Queens’ versus Pembroke and that my breathing becomes I’m not sure if any of my erst- shorter and less effective. In while readers have ever been fact, it often feels like I might turned away from a Pizza Hut actually be damaging myself, on grounds of odour, or even rather than making myself been turned away from chain better, through this effort of pizza joints at all, but I ought self-improvement, which is not to warn you that at the time, it what I envisioned at all. What I feels like a relatively low socio- envisioned, originally, was that cultural limbo pole to master. I would hop to Parker’s Piece, This is particularly the case if, have a Pizza Hut for lunch, jog like me, you pride yourself on back, look in the mirror and only ever having been banned watch, enthralled, as my vision from a fast-food restaurant improved and my musculature once, the result of a misunder- defi ned itself, not unlike the standing over the exact sense of scene in the fi rst of the recent the phrase ‘Dr Pepper’. Hollywood adaptations of the I jogged on.

Phil is a 4th year Linguist and Omar is a 1st year Engineer and Sarah is a 3rd year Economist Milli is a 1st year Lawyer

Muscular Spiderman: not the result of jogging

LAST WEEK’S RESULT: To vote for Queens’, To vote for Text ‘Varsity Queens’ Pembroke, Text to 60300. ‘Varsity Pembroke’ Magdelene 40% to 60300.

Standard network charges apply. Peterhouse 60%

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drinks can be refilled when finished.* robin s on Cut out the counters below, roll the dice play skips a player. If a player speaks finger

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fingers she must drink. Every time 21 is you land on. If you land on Chance, roll one c or p u s dice again, and according to the number reached (it must be said “twenty plus you roll, all players follow the appropri- one”), the player who says it must

ate instructions given in the middle of the c han ce drink and add a new rule for future board. The game ends when the alcohol is games (all multiples of 5 must be finished/ when every player is sufficiently cheeses, etc). inebriated. The winner is the player who placecup can then walk in the straightest line. Enjoy. here c han ce * Varsity reminds you to drink responsibly Categories The elected player thinks of a gir outside i n item from category, then each player must B ri n g finger

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finger I Have Never one Once round the table - each player l tio na l declares something he/she has never three fingers done. Anyone who has done the deed P e mbro ke has to drink. Trinity St John’s King’s Emma soul tree Queens’ Jesus Caius chance Busta-Rhyme Add to cup go to Proposed to the left/right. The three two shots one shot one shot four four four Y Oxford ou ma shots fingers fingers fingers elected person says a word, and to the loo collar up kiss the per- Not got a each subsequent player must say a y go son to your first? all toast to (political) double the queen different, real, rhyming word. He/she left the shot drink who fails, drinks. the cup

Pull out this spread for your full Varsitopoly Board Game Pull out this spread for your full Varsitopoly Board Game Fashion Editors: Beatrice Perry & Olivia Sudjic Friday February 15 2008 Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: 16 VIEWFashion [email protected] varsity.co.uk/fashion varsity.co.uk/fashion [email protected] VIEWFashion 17

C O U T U R E CRITIQUE

U.G.G.L.Y. ack You ain’t got no alibi. You ugly. On the whole I try not to read the fashion pages, let alone write them. They’ve always seemed to me to be a frustrating combination of the inane and the hurtful, sprinkled gently with the visually depressing. Each picture of somebody beautiful wearing a brown coat is another beautiful person wearing a brown B coat that isn’t me, or even wanting to step out TO to the pictures with me, which is the perenni- ally acceptable alternative. Fashion pages, in lack general, are to my mind the print equivalent of having a big mirror above my bed, embla- zoned with the lyrics from Ludacris’ 2002 hit ‘Move Bitch’. B Aside from anything else, fashion pages imply that there might be something wrong with the way I’m presently dressed, which is a nasty thought from which only bad things can come. Appearance, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder (a fact convincingly reiterated by provincial dancefl oors and the continued employment of David Schwimmer), and I like to think it’s all a matter of personal taste, like how you take your fried eggs (on the chin, in my case). Unfortunately, Ugg boots are terrible. I know this because I have seen them, frequently, adorning the feet of girls (and one boy) who ought to know better. Footwear, like many of the more basic innovations, occurs because it is appropriate to its environment. Football boots, for instance, are popular amongst people playing, or at least intending to play, football. In the same vein fl ippers are used more often by people swimming than people walking on dry land. The Ugg boot, according to Wikipedia, the well-known shapeshifting encyclopaedia, was invented in Australia by sheep farmers, who had both ready access to sheep and very in- frequent contact with other people, other people who might notice that they had a mam- moth’s muff strapped to each ankle. Later on the boots were adopted by fi ghter pilots, who had a need for warmth in an unpressurized environment, and for whom other people were also less of a problem (I suppose it could be argued that in many ways ‘other people’ are the problem if you’re a fi ghter pilot. Them and missiles). None of these factors is applicable to the modern high street, which has both a prolif- eration of other people and also a marked ab- sence of sheep and missiles. And although it can get really quite crowded of a Christmas- time Saturday afternoon, Topshop still has a little way to go before it matches the climatic extremes of, say the Australian outback, or the Korean War. Wearing an Ugg boot in a modern, urban environment, with its wealth of other possible footwear choices, says three things of the wearer: a) I am not only a sheep, I am, like, wearing one. b) I have too high a disposable income for someone of my taste and judgement. c) I have not yet learned to fully appreciate the gift of sight. Still, it’s diffi cult to know exactly what to do to fi x the issue. My original plan was to blind everyone who owned a pair, until it was pointed out to me that not being able to see ALL SUITS AND GLASSES, MODEL’S OWN would make it more diffi cult to dress oneself, and so the easy to slip-on Uggs would gain GEORGIA WEARS SEQUINED DRESS, ZARA SALE, £5.95 ground. My second was to invest in a pair MODELS: GEORGIA WARD DYER AND, FROM LEFT TO RIGHT, myself in a fi t of self-serving hypocrisy. The third was to ignore them, and hope they will MAX KIRCHHOFF, LUCAS KRUPP, TRISTAN HAMBLETON, FRANCIS WILLIAMS, JASON PAVER, BENJ WALTON AND JAMES WOMERSLEY eventually go away. PHOTOGRAPHER: JAMES POCKSON Ed Cumming Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWFeatures 19 La vie en Vogue Our fashion editors, Olivia Sudjic and Beatrice Perry, met with Alexandra Shulman, editor of British Vogue, to talk success, money and mens’ mags. n the train to Kings Cross turns out to be Alexandra’s longer and is a lot harder”. when she was a rather more it becomes evident that Amazonian assistant, we are There is nothing remotely anonymous journalist; being one nervous member of starting to feel grossly misled. granddame about Shulman, no able to slump at her desk and Oour expedition to meet Alex- The corridors are lined with ice-queen aura, but equally, no not having to speak, concentrat- andra Shulman is not going rails of Marni dresses. Jimmy nonsense. She is disarmingly ing solely on the creative side of to make it. A fellow passenger Choos do overflow from every frank about her career, citing a magazine, rather than getting (male) watches with obvious crevice. We have already seen a “the motivation to make money” bogged down with budgets. “I do enjoyment as we flummoxed lot of orchids. as one of the driving forces be- miss being invisible, not always technophobe females attempt When we timidly inform by any means, but certainly to resuscitate our Dictaphone, Alexandra that the Dictaphone there are times when it would which is having seizures on an is not working, her response is “I do miss being be nice if people left you to it.’” operating table littered with “Well, it probably is. That’s not We wonder whether she ever editions of Vogue. We take out very promising”, and we agree invisible... there gets the urge to do the writ- the batteries. Panicked, we put with her, at once. So, was the ing and interviewing herself. them back in. The Dictaphone editor of the most successful are times when it “I interviewed Kate Moss last flat-lines. Condé Nast title (who has seen April. It takes a totally different It is at this precise moment circulation climb steadily from would be nice if part of my brain to editing, it’s a that every introduction you 170,000 when she started in much more egocentric thing”. have ever read to almost every 1992 to over 220,000 now, and people left you to What about if she weren’t interview with Alexandra Shul- was rewarded with an OBE in doing her present job, we ask, man, the editor of British Vogue, 2005) never a poorly organised it” what would she be doing? comes in useful. She is ‘Normal’. student herself? It doesn’t seem “Nothing”, says Shulman. “Oh. Good. She is not like Anna likely; “even though I never had hind her success. “I have always So there really isn’t anything Wintour. Better. She is not like any plans set in stone of what been motivated by earning else you’d rather do than edit Board Miranda Priestly (the editor in I wanted to be, I never recall money. I still am.” Shulman sees Vogue?” This, it transpires, is The Devil Wears Prada). Better thinking: Oh help, what am I her work as a day job, rather not what she means. She means still. She goes to Queen’s Park going to do?” than what defines her as a per- she would literally do nothing. Rangers matches. Marvelously She does, however, have sym- son. “As far as possible I like to “I love the idea of waking up soothing; a QPR supporter has pathy with the current student- keep stuff at the office separate in the morning and not having to be understanding of failure. generation: “It’s harder and from stuff at home – I’m very anything planned for that day Unfortunately such comforts more competitive now. I was good at being strict with myself at all. But of course I love my begin to wane immediately upon very lucky when I left Sussex – and compartmentalising”. The job as well, and in terms of a entering Vogue House. In those days, if you wanted a majority of her friends are not career, there isn’t anything else By the time the lift door job, you could pretty much in the fashion industry. I could imagine doing”. opens on the fifth get it with a certain “In some ways that is one Shulman has done this a floor and we amount of ef- of my main regrets”, she says few times during the interview. are met by fort. Nowa- slowly, “I have not made many At one moment she is wildly what we days it close relationships through enthusiastic, citing Miuccia hope is a takes work.” We point out that this Prada, Karl Lagerfeld and the super- a lot may be because Shulman con- Princess of Wales as just some mod- siders herself first and foremost of the interesting people she has el, a journalist, and not an air-kiss- got to meet through her work, Game but ing fashion maven. Condé Nast the next she is claiming “I’m hired her not because she was a not emotional about working at fashion editor (she had no fash- Vogue. The rest of my life is very ion background), but because emotional, but I don’t bring that she was a strong editor. into the office”. She loves her “Perhaps it is because I didn’t job, but she loves dinner parties have any experience in fashion and holidays with friends more. when I came to Vogue that I “I don’t think of myself as the still feel like I’m learning all editor of Vogue. I wasn’t always the time. I still feel slightly the editor, and I won’t always new”. So being the editor of be the editor, so it’s lucky that I Vogue doesn’t mean your pri- don’t”. mary interest has to be fashion? But for all her ‘compartmen- “No. And it’s the same with talising’, Shulman does, of everything; whilst work- course, know that she is on to ing at GQ I didn’t know anything about Formula-1 cars, but a good editor “I’m not emotional knows whether a piece of writing has an energy about about working at it.” So was it hard being at the helm of a men’s magazine? Vogue” “Not really. In those days there wasn’t pressure to put half- a good thing, so good that she’s naked girls on the front cover. kept at it for 16 years. “When I People were still optimistic came to vogue the market had that men’s magazines could changed quite a lot. There was be sold without pin-ups”. a pressure to do something with Before working at GQ, Vogue to make it more acces- Shulman worked at Tatler, sible - it was felt that it was and before that as wom- too elitist and too rarefied, that en’s editor of The Sunday it was just about the fashion Telegraph. industry.” When asked about her Shulman says they are now brief stint in newspapers toying with the idea of in- she is quick to reply “I’ve cluding an increased lifestyle always preferred maga- section, instructing people on zines because I always how to throw fabulous dinner liked working on the parties and so on, but noth- visual side of things. On a ing radical is planned. “To be magazine like Vogue you honest I think things are going can really spend time get- very well as they are”. She adds ting the pages right.” this with characteristic confi- She may not miss dence but not the slightest bit newspapers, but Shulman of arrogance. And, of course, speaks wistfully of the days she’s right. Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday February 15 2008 20 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

Great Works of Art in Cambridge #5: Portrait of John Maynard Keynes Duncan Grant King’s College Senior Combination Room

found a village where the people windows clarifi es his facial features. are frequently mad from too fre- The white stroke of paint in his right quent incest... There is no priest, pupil conveys a gaze so sharp that he “Ino church and no policeman. Don’t you appears to look straight through you. think we’d better go there at once?” The bare background does not disturb These are the words of Duncan Grant to the intensity of that look, while the John Maynard Keynes, his newest love. fl oral wallpaper hints at the numerous The pair were in their early twenties decorative fl oral patterns which will when they visited the Orkney islands in become characteristic of the Bloomsbury the summer of 1908, with Grant making group in their collaborations within the several paintings and drawings of the Omega workshop. barren and inhospitable landscape, as On returning to the mainland, the well as this striking portrait. portrait was bought by Keynes’s mother, The work conveys a unique sense and was bequeathed to King’s after of intimacy with the sitter, one only her death in 1958. At the end of their rivalled by his later portraits of his wife extended vacation, Keynes was admit- Vanessa Bell. Grant’s lyrical representa- ted to a fellowship at King’s while Grant tion of the human body can be found in returned to London. Their friendship the somewhat awkward positioning of lasted until Keynes’s death in 1946. his sitter: Keynes is seated on a chair “Why aren’t you a Cambridge un- by the window and appears almost dergraduate, damn you, instead of a to crouch, his ankle awkwardly bend- wretched Londoner? Come, and I will ing while his elongated body enfolds, make King’s chapel into a studio for as though to fi t into the frame of the you.” Keynes wrote to Grant in the picture. Keynes has a peaceful demean- autumn of 1908. Strangely enough, the our that belies the apparent muscular chapel never became Grant’s studio; but tension of his fi gure. Pen in hand, he is Keynes transformed the King’s domain likely pondering the very theory that into a sanctum of the fi nest Bloomsbury Duncan Grant 1885-1978 would enhance his position as one of art, culminating in the decoration of Portrait of John the greatest economists of the twentieth his own rooms, still lived in today, with Maynard Keynes 1908 century. As he raises his head from the Grant’s frescoes. page to look at us, the light from the Julien Domercq Ready, Steady Goat! Daniel Cohen is entranced by John Darnielle, the genial man behind e Mountain Goats he Mountain Goats are albums. Tallahassee chronicled constructed music that manages Last Plane to Jakarta, and is Rock, and has been described essentially one man, John the lives of two characters in a to avoid being too glossy. about to publish a book on Black as “America’s best non hip-hop Darnielle. He now works failing marriage; The Sunset Tree When discussing the Mountain Sabbath’s Master of Reality. lyricist”. He is, surprisingly, a Twith a number of musicians, but was based on Darnielle’s experi- Goats, critics and fans tend to When asked what he’s listening Babyshambles fan: “I don’t see he founded the band alone in ences with his abusive stepfather. focus on the lyrics, onto which to, he mentions Christian rock why people gotta dwell so much 1991, and much of its early output The new songs aren’t related in Darnielle clearly focuses his ef- and metal, but he calls rap music on how the dude takes drugs and featured only his singing and such a way – they cover diverse forts. He admits, with palpable “the most creative form of Ameri- stuff. Who cares? The bottom line, guitar playing, self-recorded on a subjects, including reggae singer enthusiasm, that literature is a can music since jazz... It’s one of dude writes really smart, nice lyr- boombox. He is the man identifi ed Prince Far I, cult horror writer greater infl uence than music. His America’s two or three great gifts ics that I think are excellent.” with the band, and gives inter- H.P. Lovecraft, and Halloween vil- literary inspirations include Joan to the world”. It’s easy to see how Having talked non-stop for half views alone. Naming his band in lain Michael Myers. “It’s a bunch Didion, John Berryman, and reli- Darnielle might feel an affi nity an hour, Darnielle’s time was up, the plural was misleading, but he of old obsessions of mine. It’s gious texts. He calls the Canter- with the genre – he featured on a and he quickly disappeared into gives me a simple explanation: really kind of an old-school kind of bury Tales “perfect in every way”, recent track by the underground the mist. He never explained his “Dude with an acoustic guitar un- record insofar as I’m indulging my apart from the Parson’s Tale. “I rapper Aesop love of Christian rock. der his own name? Either he has love of some odd, fetish-like crea- love when he apologise for writing to be comfortable with the folk tures in my imagination, things the book [in Chaucer’s Retrac- tag, or he’s going to be doomed. that strike my interest, which is tion], that really gets me… There’s I don’t play folk music – noth- what my old stuff was like.” something very moving, very ing against it. Plus, nobody can Although their early albums emo about that. It’s like, here’s pronounce my name.” He tests were lo-fi , scrappy affairs, the Chaucer having this emo mo- me. I fail. “Nobody can misspell Mountain Goats have, thanks ment going: ‘oh, what the hell are Mountain Goats. If they can, then to the work of producers John books anyway?’” Throughout our I can’t help them any further.” Vanderslice and Scott Solter, built conversation, he happily traverses Monday sees the release of up a rich sound since they signed the boundaries of high and low Heretic Pride, the Mountain to 4AD in 2002. On Heretic Pride, culture, elsewhere explaining his Goats’ seventh album this decade. San Bernadino features six dif- fondness for video games, Darnielle rejects my suggestion ferent cello parts; Sept 15, 1983, namely cowboy games that he’s prolifi c: “Unless you which describes Prince Far I’s and the Manhunt series. buy into an artist talking about death, is as close as the band will This enthusiasm and how inspiration is some delicate ever come to a reggae track, with lack of snobbishness gossamer thing, that you can only its skanking acoustic guitar and makes Darnielle easy drink from this spigot every so warm organ. Darnielle admits to to relate to, and is, in often… I don’t buy that! I think being “kind of obsessive compul- part, why so many you sit down to work. So I don’t sive” in the studio, and is wary Mountain Goats consider myself prolifi c, I consider of adding too many tracks – “I’m lovers feel close others lazy.” Roman Catholic, I think: let’s not to him. He is, at Heretic Pride is a minor depar- do the things we don’t like”. The heart, a fan, and ture for Darnielle, or rather a re- result, on albums like The Sunset a music geek turn to earlier territory. His recent Tree and Heretic Pride, is simple – he has a efforts have mostly been concept songwriting, backed by carefully popular blog, Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 21

‘What would yours wear?’ Philistines! The Vagina Monologues What’s so bad about the commercial art world, wonders Sam Rose? Just because one Preview writer doesn’t want to collect art, other Cambridge students shouldn’t be put off Media sensation? Pro- vocative rant? Vital social tudent journalism is frighteningly indicative of tive quality. Does such ‘I don’t these artists need money dialogue? Or simply pow- a strange animal, and the hazy views and style of a know art but I know what I on which to live. Not that I erful theatre? The Vagina rarely more so than in trend, challenging it seems like…’-style philosophising think it intrinsically wrong to Monologues can certainly be SCambridge. Mindful of the rather like an imperative. really have a place in Cam- “struggle equating art with classed as one of the most ‘talent’ that must exist in the So. Having written on bridge? It’s what one would selling” as she does, merely contentious theatrical works University, readers seem to collecting in Cambridge a expect from The Sun, if the that such “strugglers” have of the past decade. At its project a kind of aura onto the no business writing about it. debut, newspaper reviewers articles. Outsiders read Varsity The notion of art created in a urged potential spectators and TCS with reverence, as if “The faint unease at the commercial vacuum is a bizarre remnant to “avoid this male-bashing, the writers must truly have of Modernism, and utterly disgusting obscenity and the ‘proved themselves’ to de- side of art, the place of art in eve- outdated. Did Leonardo paint blatant sexism it purports to serve the accolade of getting the Last Supper just because oppose”. published. Quality control is ryday life, and feigned disbelief at he felt like it? Maybe Warhol’s Often perceived as a assumed to be inherent in the dollar-note screenprints were feminist tirade and offensive paper. It is not. Content has price, is a far more worrying insight just a blind expression of his outburst with its explicit to come from somewhere, and artistic sensibility? Art is not references to brutal sexual if things are desperate, then into the author than anything to do only intrinsically linked with encounter, the play has cer- an edited down bit of rubbish material circumstances, but tainly been met with disap- with a nice layout is a perfectly with art galleries themselves” made a lot more interesting proval and censure. Even happy solution, as I certainly because of it. High notions last year three American experienced while editing. number of times this year, it title banner was pink ging- of art don’t remove the fact high school students were There are some fantastic writ- was naturally with fascina- ham, and sported a few pretty that the works are done for suspended after saying the ers, but mixed amongst them tion that I recently read a new flowers. money, and crucially, ‘primary’ word ‘vagina’ whilst per- are some shockingly bad ef- article on the subject. The ever The purported revelation of galleries such as the ones in forming a short section of forts; from ‘political angles’ on self-effacing writer, perhaps the article, that Cambridge has Cambridge are simply agents, the play. the far right and left provided the epitome of ‘indie-naïve’, “abundant” (well, five) com- selling on commission for the But have the bad- by the only people impetuous confessed that she was but a mercial galleries yet these are artists they take up. They are mouthers got it all wrong? enough to ridicule themselves layman in art appreciation “too expensive for students”, as much sponsors of the arts Many would say yes. The unwittingly, to articles about terms. Nonetheless, reassured is heart-rendingly moronic. as money-making machines Vagina Monologues is a work wine written just so the author by the assertion that she had Clearly there is art in Cam- however dubious the actual art shrouded in misconception, can boast about not drinking a Van Gogh on her wall (a real bridge that students can afford may be, and the prices usually whose real aim is to promote things advertised on TV. You one, perhaps?), and that she to buy, from paintings on the reflect what the artists need to the empowerment of women know what Chateauneuf-Du- remembered the price tags walls of Indigo to prints from survive. How incredibly, inex- through self-knowledge, and Pape is? Great! Go drink some from exhibitions seen when the market and drawings from cusably selfish do you have to not (contrary to popular then, and spare us all your few three years old (a collector in XVIII Jesus Lane. Our author be to imply that Lorenzo Quinn belief) to depict men as the hundred words of drivel about the making, surely!), I read has instead picked on the should starve because you’d enemy. nothing. on. Stale wit should set of commercial quite like his little sculpture Created by Eve Ensler and Upon closer analysis the arti- now force me to add “I galleries selling but don’t feel you can throw derived from hundreds of cles yield a hilarious mixture wish I hadn’t”. But work by profes- down as much as £525? interviews across socioeco- of typically Cambridge profes- no, in fact the rest sional artists There are more surprises in nomic, ethnic and religious sional ambitions, and typically of the article made and – shock- the galleries, for next we find boundaries, The Vagina Cambridge petty personal fascinating read- ingly – that art is emphasised not Monologues are stories of goals. Fearlessly insult things ing, though not for found as a collectible but as part of real women of all ages. Un- and don’t ever worry about the the reasons it was interior design! Clearly our derneath the controversial consequences: climb off your intended to. The writer is familiar with mod- exterior lies a mischievous high horse just long enough to general tone, one ern art-buying practice, when and uplifting core with an beg for a Valentine’s date, and of faint unease at upon purchase of an artwork extremely important mes- no-one seems to bat an eyelid. the commercial side the buyer whitewashes their sage, which should not be And yet this type of writing of art, the place of art living room and removes confused with aggressive can be funny, and good enough in everyday life, and all the furniture. Or could feminism. to avoid the pretence of neu- of feigned disbelief at it be that they have never The play is the cornerstone trality that student journal- prices, is a far more bought art, and don’t own of the international V-Day ists with nothing to say seem profoundly wor- a home of their own, and movement to stop violence to hide behind. Far worse, rying insight in fact are forgetting that a against women, founded by then, are the naïve attempts into the au- condition of the survival of Ensler in 1998. It is now at objectivity that sometimes thor than every piece of art ever bought put on annually at charity make up a particularly poor anything or commissioned is that it events in over 120 countries feature. For want of a better to do finds a setting for itself? It in order to raise money for term, I class this sort of thing with art is common practice for deal- women’s charities. as ‘indie-naïve’, a certain brand galleries ers to model their galleries It is a moving experience, of writing that so perfectly them- on domestic formulae such and an attempt to enlighten, throws together a delicate selves. as the ‘Gentleman’s Study’ or entertain and, most impor- sentimentality, ‘Art Lover’s House’. Even the tantly, pull a taboo out of the absolute lack Fitz does it; notice the carpets, shadows. The Vagina Mono- of facts, and furniture and tableware con- logues is a genuine and com- sudden conclu- sistently used to contextualise pelling expression of female sions that it reads the works, notice how even sexuality that is at times as I imagine would the neo-classical architecture hilarious, at others unset- the English homework itself does it in the Greek and tling, but always honest. of a rather sweet fifteen- Roman galleries. She sug- Emilie Ferguson and year-old girl. Sadly, here gests spending £30 on an Art Elizabeth Magness this writing is anything but Fund membership so one can sweet or innocent. The more “just look at it all”. Well save I see it forming as a trend, the yourself the money, there are A group of sixteen Cambridge more it seems that a number The lack of hundreds of free galleries, students in association with BATS of students really do think this knowledge alone and you clearly haven’t had will be performing The Vagina way. I always believed that to is astonish- a proper look around any of Monologues at Fitzpatrick pick on one article is impos- ing, but with them. Is commercial art col- Hall, Queens’ College, 15 & 16 sibly unfair, but with the ‘aura’ her delicately lecting relevant to Cambridge February, 11pm. Tickets are £5 surrounding these papers I’ve judgemental at- students? As much as they (£4 concessions), available to had to watch again and again titude the author wish to engage with it. This reserve at vdaycambridge@ as utter rubbish goes unchal- seems genuinely ‘indie-naïve’ philistinism, on gmail.com. All proceeds go to the lenged. When that one article to be touting this the other hand? That’s what Cambridge Rape Crisis Centre. is utterly misguided, and so lack as a posi- has no place in Cambridge. Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday February 15 2008 22 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

In the wake of Valentine’s Day, Jeff James pours his heart out about love poetry

he poetry of romantic love sense. Fame especially for you. has generally had a bad “One cannot lose what one “Love poetry Fame cannot be avoided. press. No doubt this has has not possessed.” And when it comes Tmuch to do with execrable col- So much for that abrasive should be You will have paid for it lections marketed as Valentine gem. with your happiness, gifts, as well as the probability I can lose what I want. I allowed to be a Your husband and your life. that anyone who has ever tried want you. And yet, in the poem recall- to write any poetry started by Working backwards, the lovely glorious ing their visit to the Grand trying to recollect in tranquil- loved one is supposed to reason Canyon, a similar vision of the ity some intermittency of the that he wants me, he can lose nothing: future is moving, beyond one’s heart. The result is a very large me, therefore he possesses knowledge of the couple’s sepa- amount of fluff trying to find a me. Nice trick. The turn here expecting it to ration and Plath’s suicide: rhyme for “really really in love from “one” to “I” repeats the Nothing is left. I never went with you”. The love lyric is also manoeuvre that we sometimes act in ways that back and you are dead. seen as more accessible than expect love poets to perform in Only “nothing” and “never” poetry with other subjects – as their poetry. To turn from the we can are allowed to grow beyond the if our own failures to connect trickily beautiful working of simple monosyllables detailing made it easier to get through words or even from some gen- predetermine is the facts of loss. Chaucer’s Troilus and Criseyde. eral knowledge of, say, love, to A wish for an autobiographi- Just because we have known what can be taken as personal no less foolish cal grounding for love poetry love does not mean that we revelation. might stem from a need to can expect to apply love poetry The first book of poems I than expecting tether the poems we read to transparently to our own lives, ever really got into was Ted our own experience: roman- or our lives to that poetry. Yet Hughes’s Birthday Letters, the love to give us tic love is largely viewed as some of our best poetry has near-posthumous collection experience common to almost been driven by the heart, and that addresses his dead wife, what we think everyone, while other experi- the canny reader should not be Sylvia Plath. Although still ences are more often seen as put off by all the nonsense. admiring this uneven book, I we want” unlike what we have ourselves Reading at Emmanuel two don’t admire what first led me known. We involve love po- weeks ago, the poet Geoffrey (and, I think, others) to it: a etry in our own lives in more Hill maintained that he had voyeuristic desire to observe material ways: I’ve sent more only two subjects, sex and the and take a part in the terrible than one card or letter where dead. Hill’s poetry is at its ruptures of Plath and Hughes’s I’ve wanted Shakespeare or most direct when dealing with life, pain that can be thrill- Marlowe or Sidney to say sex, as in this Copla, where the ing to the outsider. Some of something that I can’t quite speaker attempts to apply the Hughes’s lines are themselves frame. The great love poems logic contained in the mawkish, almost do not arise out of loves that poem to an extra- pastiching his are necessarily greater or poetical world own life story, as more profound than those we where it when he quotes have known: it’s the skill with becomes a Ouija board words that makes the poet, non- pronouncing: not (unfortunately) a series of Fame will disastrous affairs or (probably) come. a glorious soul. Shakespeare must have been a nightmare as a lover. This explains why much of the great love poetry is about loss and frustrated love: this is easier to write about than romantic fulfilment, when happiness writes white. In any case, if things are going well the poor poet should be not at his desk but rather in bed (or at least on his desk). W.B. Yeats is the alpha and omega of unrequited love poets, fall- ing very badly aged twenty- three for Maud Gonne and ever after wanting her. He offers the following tricky advice: Never give all the heart, for love Will hardly seem worth thinking of To passionate women if it patrick kingsley seem Certain, and they never Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 23

dream notice even the other’s “glisten That it fades out from kiss of spit/on an eye-tooth”. to kiss; The Copla of Hill’s that I For everything that’s lovely fi rst quoted reminds us that is love poems need to be read in But a brief, dreamy, kind and of themselves. They don’t delight. need to refer to either the Those brief, dreamy, kind reader’s or the poet’s affairs. delights are hard to ground in The logic of w“I can lose what the printed poem, and many I want. I want you.” works in attempts to write of happiness a poem, but won’t convince in love or sex become comic the loved one whom we don’t or soppily cringe-worthy. E.E. possess. Really: I quoted that Cummings can do it, perhaps Copla to someone once and because his poems are often she wasn’t won over. In Hill’s themselves brief and dreamy. The Turtle Dove, I can’t work His lyric ‘i like my body when out which of the lovers is more it is with your body’ ends with: destroyed by their love, but and possibly i like the thrill the poem captures brilliantly of under me you quite so the loneliness of a shared bed. new Hill’s lovers: The speaker’s “possibly” cre- Bore their close days ates the fl irtatious reservation through sufferance towards that Yeats advocates to keep night passionate women, while his Where she at length sensual discovery of the ‘new’ grasped sleep and he lay is not only stated but also quiet repeated in his poetic dis- As though needing no ques- covery of a new way to write tions, now, to guess of the “shocking fuzz/of your What her secreting heart electric hair”: much headier could not well hide. than the sex-ed cliché that is Love poems might help us ‘pubic hair’. David Harsent is say things that are diffi cult, Black on form a contemporary English poet but really the best thing about who also captures something them is that they say diffi cult of the thrill of sex, without things. The “secreting heart” Jack Tunstall talks to namesake Jack Black about his adopting Cummings’ playfully excites us, not just because naïve voice. In his sequence of the secrets we imagine it new fi lm Be Kind Rewind, released this week Marriage, Harsent shows us to possess, but rather in the something of the captivity of thrilling double movement of waking after having made ‘secreting’: the heart keeps se- ack Black marches into “love in the all-but dark”: crets, and also allows them to the tiny screening room “Did Black ever Morning catches us both in escape. We needn’t strive for at London’s art-deco a different light, readings that apply the poems JSoho Hotel following the toy with the idea one shaping up to the day, biographically to the poets, or press screening of French the other gone deep beneath expect the poems to mimic our pseudo-indie director Michel of fi lm-making the dump of the coverlet, a experience. Love poetry should Gondry’s latest low-budget twist of hair, a pair of be allowed to be a lovely glori- comedy, Be Kind Rewind, as a child? ‘No, I wholly innocent feet. ous nothing: expecting it to act in a manner most appropri- I love those feet, whose in- in ways that we can predeter- ately described as studiedly used to do things nocence needs to be reaffi rmed mine is no less foolish than jovial. He looks…well, like after an intimacy that has expecting love to give us what he does in the movies; short, like put Coco allowed one of the lovers to we think we want. festively plump, and casually attired in a loud flannel Puff s up my ass shirt. It seems logical to get things started by asking instead. You can why working with former music video director Gondry fi t a lot of them appealed, especially given the hugely reduced pay up there’” packet it would necessitate. “I was desperate to work with him after seeing Eter- space-time continuum or nal Sunshine of The Spotless something.” Mind”, comes the predictable Apparently, the produc- answer. “When I got to know ers were threatened with Michel, I guarded our friend- legal action should they ship like a golden pearl, if satirise Back To The Future, ever there was one of those.” “because they’re making The fi lm centres around a musical version of it for Black’s character and his Broadway, or some nonsense best friend, played by Mos like that. Ridiculous!” We Def, fi lming their own move on. Did Black ever toy parodies of famous Hol- with the idea of fi lm-making lywood hits when the stock as a child? “No, I used to do from their video store in a things like put Coco Puffs deprived industrial town is up my ass instead.” And destroyed. (Mos Def exhib- what did he learn from this its better comic timing in experience? ‘That you can fi t the fi lm than Black, and his a lot of them up there,’ he deadpan demeanour is far replies earnestly. We discuss funnier than the comedian’s his interpretation of the fi lm, trademark manic style, but which is strangely uplifting, to my shame, I don’t have despite its rampant senti- the cojones to articulate this mentality. “Even in the most observation in front of Black run-down parts of the world, and his gurning publicist.) where you’d expect nothing Did anyone suggest paro- of note to happen, a lot of dying any of the movies in creative energy is produced, which the members of the because people have to fi lm’s cast had previously rely on their imagination.” appeared, such as Danny Stretching it a bit, perhaps, Glover in Lethal Weapon, or for a slacker comedy in Black’s own High Fidelity? which one half-expects Jay “No, because it would have and Silent Bob to pop up been dangerous, it could at any moment. But it does have created a tear in the have a certain poignancy. ANNA TRENCH Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday February 15 2008 24 REVIEW [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

David Hare’s sensationally titled timing is everything in this for the bizarre and surreal. How- SLAG is a surreal and comic production, as the three female ever, the direction harnesses both view from the SLAG experience, depicting a perverted teachers descend into paranoia the comic and sinister potential version of an all-female educa- and desperation when faced with of the play and lends it order. groundlings Corpus Christi tion. Beginning with a united the claustrophobic confines of Joanne, played with conviction front, the three female leads take their ideal society. and passion by Lily Sakula, is Playroom a dramatic vow of chastity as The elegance and confidence of intense and dominating, driven a part of a stand against male the sparse set creates a precise by a militant vision of a feminist dominance. However, throughout and contained atmosphere, ideal. She is a contradictory, the course of the play this disinte- enhanced by the stark mono- schizophrenic reaction to Anne’s grates into a complex web of divi- chrome scheme of both costume sense of propriety and pretence Dir: Emma Hogan & sive power-play and deception. and set. These devices offset the of rationality. Together with the Exploring the space between unpredictability of the tortuous apolitical, easily suggestible Elise, Roisin Dunnett espoused theories of an all- plot and focus attention on the they form a parody of the nuclear Theatre female social utopia and the expressive dialogue. family. SLAG’s precision, energy subsequent subversion of such The volatile dynamics of the and control make this a finely ★★★★★ ideals, this production is both trio can be difficult to follow, balanced production well worth I like the theatre. I understand dark and satirical. Darkly comic, partly because of Hare’s penchant seeing. Elly Robson the process by which watching people pretend to be who they are not, and read out others’ words, can help us make sense of the world around us. Whether The White Devil we laugh, cry, or think, plays can affect us in fundamental and ADC sometimes life-changing ways. But that still doesn’t tempt me to Dir: Amy Gwilliam the ADC: like so many others, my theatrical instincts rarely apply Theatre during term time. ★★★★★ I am happy to watch my friends’ plays, and ‘events’ such as last term’s Medea or a “Of all deaths the violent death is no less quick witted, callous or Footlights revue. But a casual is best”: so says the malcontent attractive. Chloe Massey’s Vitto- evening at the Corpus Play- (Flamineo) of Webster’s revenge ria is a virtuosic performance of rooms would not be appropriate tragedy, but it could equally have a woman stuck in a man’s world, postprandial entertainment. One been the view of the playwright pitching herself magnificently reason for this (indolence apart) himself. This bloody play charts against Josh Higgott’s menacing is simple: we cannot tell how the progress of a love affair Cardinal Monticelso. good an arbitrarily-chosen play between Vittoria and the Duke of The main fault of the produc- might turn out to be. This is no Brachiano; at its heart, though, tion was in some badly thought reflection on Cambridge thespian the play deals with questions of out doubling of parts: one actor talent, which is great. Rather, it identity and sincerity: the title is died as Flamineo’s brother-in- reflects the tiny number of scripts from a proverb, “the white devil law, only to re appear, and in- which are actually half-decent: is worse than the black”, and it deed re-die, a few scenes later as there are far too many skilled is the hunt for this ‘white devil’ Flamineo’s brother. The already interpretations of unsalvageable which sets the tragedy in mo- complex plot was not helped scripts which end up being a tion and which brings about the by the resulting confusion and waste of time and money. downfall of so many characters. could easily have been avoided. Incidentally, this relates to last The set for Amy Gwilliam’s This oversight did little to spoil week’s column, which asked why production, designed by Bethany what was a scintillating gem of Shakespeare is so frequently Sims, is stunning. Combined a production. Gwilliam and her performed here: the answer is with Oliver Rudland’s eerie mu- cast breathed life into a much because his plays are better than sic, the scene was set for a truly neglected tragedy which has as anyone else’s, and we all know it. dark, grimly humorous portrayal much to tell us now about ‘policy Prospective directors must choose of life at the top. and her true aspect’ as it ever did between established classics Alex Guelff’s Flamineo may to a Jacobean audience. such as Shakespeare, Pinter and not have the depth of Iago but he Lizzie Davis joe gosden Miller, or take a punt on a newer writer – recent examples include Nick Leather’s All the Ordinary Skates is beautiful in all respects. The fact that the cast helped ologues and recipes in a collage of Angels, or American Eagle by Written and directed by Cat Ger- creatively shape the play the life of Gerrard’s grandmother. Skates Chris Amos. Such pieces have rard, the play recounts the story definitely shows through in the Cars, trains and factories are limited professional runs, and of her grandmother’s escape from delicate care they display for their reproduced through wonderful ADC perhaps it is noble of directors the Nazi occupation of Poland as labour of love. Except for, perhaps, mime and vocal, physical effects. here to wish to revive them; but if told from the perspective of a the effortless characterisations Shadow-puppets depict the most no-one wants to watch. child. An ingenious imagination- by Belinda Sherlock, none of gruesome moments, giving a London, of course, is awash infused world is conjured up, the individual performances is sense of a child’s strategy of cop- with new plays, but they are in which the usual boundaries outstanding. As a group, however, ing with horror through play. sustained by word-of-mouth and between the past and the present, this cast makes a brilliant team. Yes, there are flaws. The nar- an active press. Cantabrigian the imaginary and the real, do This is a multimedia produc- rative is, at times, somewhat play reviews are (sadly) not not apply: the actors step seam- tion, timed perfectly to the haunt- contrived, and the sentimental considered reliable enough to lessly in and out of each mind- ing musical accompaniment of naivety sometimes puts a toe Dir: Cat Gerrard influence people significantly, and forged realm. Make-believe is the three violins. Everything is given over the line into mawkishness, plays are not on for long enough order of the day and such is its co- a rhythm, which is never at the but this is beside the point. It is Theatre for an effective word-of-mouth cooning embrace that when adult expense of clarity. Delightful enchanting, magical, delicate and buzz to build. So we stick to what, disaster punctuates this childish surrealism abounds, intertwining beautiful. Please do go and see it. ★★★★★ and who, we know, and those world, its effect is resounding. poetry with folktale, stories, mon- Jon Andrews with only a passing interest in the theatre play it safe, and stay away from unknown quantities. “Lots of things we think are op- with Clatworthy and Yarrow’s by Clatworthy’s ranting tena- Ultimately, this may be a posites are actually the same”. flawless and brilliantly humane ciousness as B and apathetic matter of volume. If there were something/ The world of Rory Mullarkey’s characterisation, words here (“that’s almost the same as only one or two plays on each new two-hander is one in which become supple enough to be pathetic”) fragility as D. week, we would have our choice nothing every word is minutely weighted both disturbing and lyrical. This subtle process of mir- decided for us, and would be able and every gesture is gripped in At many perfectly executed roring and examination breaks simply to go to ‘the play’; but Corpus Christi the teeth of the dialogue and re- points of gesture and dialogue, down only at the very end. when there are seven plays on at lentlessly gnawed at. Over four actors and writer do succeed ‘You’re nothing but a cunt to once, we will either go to the play Playroom tragi-comic scenes in an airport in bashing together contraries me…’ strikes a crude wrong we’ve already heard of, or give departure lounge and a 19-year- and finding something unusual note and the balance is bro- up. There is only one remedy, and old prostitute’s bed, B and D and and thrilling. Yarrow as ‘David’ ken in favour of a shock which it is one which will never hap- A and C (Alex Clatworthy and describes a dismembered pros- doesn’t quite come off. ‘some- pen: directors and actors must Dir: Grace Jackson Tom Yarrow) discuss whether titute – “she had been stabbed thing/nothing’ is not a great put on fewer plays, in the inter- we can get something from noth- and fucked so many times you play yet, but it is an example of ests of oversaturated Cambridge Theatre ing or nothing from something. couldn’t tell what was a stab superb and innovative writing theatre. Quality, not quantity, But Mullarkey’s play is and what was a fuck”. He ques- and acting, and is laden with will attract the likes of me. ★★★★★ certainly more than a reductive tions all of this seamlessly in serious potential. Hugo Gye word game writ large. Coupled his delicate delivery, contrasted Isabel Taylor Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] REVIEW 25

Saying you ‘like’ an album cov- is this; assuming an album I Was A Cub ers a huge range of possibilities. isn’t substandard or derivative albums Some albums can sound amazing (and doesn’t make your ears every right-minded person Scout straight from the first listen but bleed or make you shit yourself should own then get tiresome very quickly or something) it is essentially I Want You to (I couldn’t get enough of the last impossible to say whether you Bloc Party album but it got really like it or not if you’ve only had it Know That annoying after a week), but then a week. And I feel this particu- some albums take forever to get larly strongly with respect to the There Is Always in to (I didn’t really like the El- new I Was A Cub Scout album. liott Smith album Either/Or until It is definitely not bad. In fact Hope one night when I was walking it’s pretty good. It has a fairly home, feeling a little bit drunk original sound (a nice mix of and melancholic, Say Yes came on synths, clean drums and soaring my iPod, and something clicked). guitars) and it has some infec- Clearly a lot of what you tious melodies. It combines some finding out for yourself. Go get ‘like’ about an album is down to good aspects of electro, emo and yourself a copy of the album and technicalities such as production nu-rave to create kind of sparse make up your own mind. In fact, style, or things like rhythm and yet epic sound. It’s precisely the what is the point of any review? harmony. But an equally massive sort of thing I have a fondness You should probably just ignore Computer World component has to be the context for, but for some reason it hasn’t everything on this page. In in which you hear it. Films, for clicked. I’ve tried listening to fact why not just set your copy Kraftwerk instance, can heighten the effect it everywhere; whilst at my of Varsity alight and use it to of songs by putting them in some computer and whilst running; trigger the smoke alarms? Then It is easy to present Kraftwerk ready-made emotional context. during the day and at night, but take off all your clothes and run as being a bit of a joke – even But in real life too, music, time I haven’t found its niche. Even wildly around college listening they would surely plead guilty and place can sometimes all slot though I’m pretty sure it has to the I Was A Cub Scout album. – but they are also one of the together and give a song some one. I’ll give it three stars for not Then it will always remind you most visionary and influential ethereal significance. All those being crap but such a rating is of that time you did something bands of modern music. Compu- Album songs that you like because they essentially meaningless. foolish because someone in a ter World marks the culmina- ★★★★★ remind you of some youthful But then what the hell does it newspaper told you to. Maybe tion of their seminal run of al- romance you had might be awful, matter what I think? Music is that would be its niche. And bums, beginning with Autobahn but you still ‘like’ them. about personal response so you maybe you would like it. and followed by Radioactivity, The point I’m trying to make are almost certainly better off Oli Robinson The Man Machine and Trans Europe Express, in which they defined electronic music. It’s not just about the concept with this band though. Computer World’s beats are seriously heavy, and when Fuck Buttons Numbers kicks in, the synth line cuts in and out of the huge The Graduate kick drum line in a way that Timbaland could never imitate, while a cacophony of proc- Gig essed voices counts to five in ★★★★★ a dozen languages languages. Computer World and It’s More Fun to Compute were a true Fuck Buttons, it must be said now and again throughout Fuck portent of things to come, when from the outset, do not have Buttons’ set all have one thing in 1981 home computers were a way with words. First of all, in common: they are heavily but a twinkle in Alan Sugar’s there’s the needlessly confronta- treated, mangled beyond recogni- imagination. tional but nevertheless resound- tion by overdrive or delay, part of Each song on this album is ingly uncontroversial name. Sec- the instrumental surroundings hauntingly beautiful, its crisp ond, and perhaps worse, their rather than a bearer of melody. synth lines enveloping you biography reads as follows: “The The music is driven instead by in the warm analogue glow two Fuck Buttons are attempt- the almost ever-present bass, a of their Kling Klang studios ing some kind of transcendence ring-modulated, shit-yourself where the band hid away for between the listener and the roar that simply becomes bigger. months to kraft (ha) this per- Universe itself; one could easily and bigger. It’s the sort of noise fect record. The centrepiece of envisage one’s psyches being Aphex Twin or Autechre would the album is Computer Love, shaken by the very rumbles of be proud of, but within context the lead line of which Coldplay the earth’s motions”. It is wank – there are no absurd drill ‘n’ pilfered for their song Talk. of the highest order. bass beats (indeed, there are The song is compulsive, its Thank God, then, that Fuck frequently no drums at all) and drums beating like a love sick Buttons’ music is, almost without little arrhythmic twitchiness – it teenager’s heart. If it’s possi- exception, instrumental. When produces an effect more akin to ble to be emo over computers, Benjamin Power screams into his a rave than to a chin-stroking this is the nearest we get. The Tomy baby monitor microphone seriousness. The four-to-the-floor song’s melodies are tender and on Sweet Love For Planet Earth, Bright Tomorrow in particular brittle, fading in and out of the effect is one of texture, not sets the frail, pale and over- aback. Po-faced techno arsery their music had already os- life, some cutting hard, others lyricism; an overdriven human- whelmingly male feet of the quite simply isn’t supposed to tracised them from the main- sweeping up behind to fill in ity riding over a cold, electronic Graduate’s clientele awkwardly be this visceral and vital, nor stream before they’d started. the gaps. The rounded bass backdrop. There may be words tapping, its synths straight out of quite so curiously danceable. On this evidence, that may notes drive the song onwards embedded deep within the static, an old 80s Chicago house record. The name the pair have taken prove to be a slightly hasty and upwards, propping up the there may not. It doesn’t really Indeed, it’s the whole fun of for themselves was presum- assumption. tragically weak chord sequence matter. The vocals that pop up Fuck Buttons that takes one ably chosen on the basis that Ali Wedderburn processed on the most beloved bass synthesiser there has ever been. But six minutes in and I’m not usually a fan of in- took advantage of their pres- from the flash of a disposable the song is over; and CompScis house bands. The phrase ence. In his sketch with Jack camera and pervy voyeurism. across the world shed a tear. conjures uncomfortable im- Gordon-Brown, coming over Yet on the whole sketches Footlights The album still has a whole ages of 4 Poofs and Piano, or a like the bitter and retarded suffered from being overlong side to go but it’s almost too drunken Gloria Estefan looka- cousins of Simon and Gar- or fell into the trap of: cre- Smoker much to bear. The age of the like slugging back Martinis funkel, he resorted to calling ate quiet awkward situation, computer is with us, and there and singing Copacabana. It’s them cunts in a bid to deflect shout something like RAPE, ADC is no better expression of the a rocky path, and on Tues- attention from the deadpan wait for laughter. It was at connection between Man and day night Footlights took its failure of songs called ‘My these moments that the on- Machine than on this album. first steps on it, introducing a Existential Angst’. stage band often provided It’s a hilarious concept, and musical duo at the back of the The night’s standouts paid moments of respite. If they Kraftwerk keep their metallic stage throughout the show. little attention to their new can be more integrated into tongues in their cyborg cheeks; Despite a quiet start, the companions. These included a the sketches, rather than sit- yet this delicate balance is pair remained the most Flight of the Conchords-esque ting forlornly at the back until maintained throughout all of intriguing element of the ‘100 guys I’d go gay for’; and their brief interludes, Cam- Comedy their work, reaching its pin- performance, which adopted a a sketch in the dark from Rob bridge’s funny boys and girls nacle in this album. Everyone musical theme. Pete Riley was Carter and Tom Evans, getting might be on to something. ★★★★★ should embrace this Computer one of the few performers who considerable comic mileage Lowri Jenkins World. Tom Hamilton Lifestyle Editors: John Lattimore and Luciana Bellini Friday February 15 2008 26 VIEWLifestyle [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features

Nick Resident Medic Nick Culshaw Tells You Restaurant Review Knows How To Deal With Your Bendy Boyfriend James Quaife

Dear bendy-member the perfect opportunity to Havanabana recipient, bring it up. If it is congenital then 13, Regent’s Parade Your boyfriend’s penis your boyfriend will most could be bent for a number likely be used to it, but ★★★★★ James is the winner of Tom Evans’ of reasons, many of which could also be self conscious “Take me to dinner” competition are no cause for alarm. about it. No-one’s perfect Many men have a natural and if it causes you no pain curvature to one side or the during sex then you’ll get other when erect and this used to it in no time. If, is considered normal. Men however, you notice any can also be born with one sort of lump, or the curva- side of the penis shorter ture gets worse, you should than the other, causing a definitely suggest that he bend towards the shorter sees a doctor as soon as side. possible. Peyronie’s disease is the On that note, if either most common cause of an you or your boyfriend have abnormally bent penis, af- had other sexual partners, fecting around 1% of guys then you should head down though usually not until to the Laurels for an STI their forties. Its caused check before having unpro- by a plaque of scar tissue tected sex - a bent penis is under the skin and as the nothing compared to gonor- Dear Nick, penis fills with blood it rhoea. bends around the plaque. Oh, and whatever you Peyronie’s disease can do, try not to bend it back I am concerned about the cause intercourse to be during foreplay as this will shape of my new boy- very painful, though this hurt like hell, could cause is not always the case, and penile fracture and will friend’s penis. The fi rst please note the disease has definitely bring a swift end time we went to “third nothing to do with cancer to your fun. nor is it infectious. base” I noticed that it As for whether or not you bends to the right when should bring it up with erect. I’ve never seen your boyfriend, that’s a hard one. Guys are very anything like it and I’m sensitive about their pe- JAMES QUAIFE worried that it will hurt at nises and your boyfriend Now I haven’t written a course, opting for the flash- least one of us when we definitely won’t thank you Got a problem? Medic and if you bring it up over din- CUSU HIV and sexual health restaurant review before, but fried Dover sole served on a have sex. Is it something I ner. Personally, my advice rep Nick will happily answer bear with me - I’m going to bed of garlic-infused polenta should talk to him about? would be to wait until any questions you may have. give it my best shot! Con- drizzled lovingly with a white you actually have sex - if Send them in to temporary Cuban cuisine is chocolate relish (I am yet to it hurts you, or it looks [email protected] hardly ubiquitous in Cam- be entirely convinced!). The Anon., via email like he’s in pain, you have bridge’s restaurant scene, but browned flesh turned out to Mr Culajo, proprietor of new be incredibly tender, however, Cuban bistro Havanabana, and the ‘wacky’ sauce comple- is determined to make his mented it perfectly. mark. Next up, the best bit of It was with mild trepida- any meal - pudding! We were tion that Tom (the regular both more bloated than a Varsity restaurant reviewer) balloon by this stage, so we and I braved a crisp February plumped for one between two: evening, but the welcome at a tremendous hunk of quiver- BottomsUp Havanabana warmed our cold ing dark chocolate, mango, hands. The dining room was pineapple, lychee and saffron To the Cambridge Wine Mer- the wine, but this is embar- jeroboam of Black Velvet. They homely and red, walls decked cheesecake served up with chants to sup upon various rassing and perilous. Instead are chosen instead on thirst, out with sombreros and other a sizeable dollop of licquo- heavenly nectars and divine one should bide one’s time with capacity to slur, and an inven- cool Communist propaganda, rice ice cream. Nice cream, ambrosias. At a wine tasting mouth exercises. Fletcherism tiveness with similes that would which gave the place a real more like - it was delicious! there are two clear imperatives: was the cult of excessive masti- make most ambitious of poets authentic vibe of a bygone Quite simply one of the most to drink as much as possible and cation that prompted Gladstone jealous. The more eccentric or era. Our friendly waitress, indulgent puds I’ve ever had to eulogise as imaginatively as to advise children that they abstract the comparison, the bet- dressed in traditional Cuban the good fortune to pop into possible on the sensory pleasure. should chew their food thirty ter. Experts in the field are well salsa garb, handed us our my mouth. The in vino veritas principle as- two times at least, to give each known to dine extensively on leatherbound menus, and we But bloody good grub does sures the drinker that the former bark, polystyrene and sunshine- knew from that moment on not come cheap. The 3-course imperative should aid the latter on-a-a-rainy-day in order to im- that it was going to be a very a la carte will set you back a immeasurably. prove their receptory faculties. special evening indeed. substantial £27.50, and don’t The wine taster’s modus oper- “One should Moreover the quantifying and Tom (an intrepid gastro- go thinking you’ll wangle andi will soon expose him as an qualifying process should sug- naut, always one for making a bottle of decent plonk for expert. One should preferably preferably wear gest every state of matter except funky food choices!) plumped under fifteen smackers. Still, wear a loud bow-tie and sport a loud bow-tie liquid: ‘bursting with oodles of for the cinnamon-spiced pork Mr Culajo and his team do a a limp attributed to a surfeit summer berries’ or ‘suffocating belly strips with a plantain damn fine job at Havanaba- of good-living and fine port. and sport a limp in woodsmoke’. If really wish- marmalade (!). I went for the na. The food is extremely nice Furthermore, if not already posing to impress offer impressions seafood, which turned out to - my thanks go out to Tom for sessed of a suitably corpusculent attributed to a utterly at random and enjoy be a veritable assortment of letting me come with him. visage, then apply blusher liber- the earnest and approving nods maritime delights, swimming By way of concluding this ally across the nose and cheeks. surfeit of good-living of your fellow tasters as they in a most delicious herb- review: if you’re an afficio- In order to convey an impression and fi ne port” struggle to identify the smell of stuffed broth. Tom’s pork nado of contemporary Cuban of well-watered experience adopt a poppy seed and pelican pie, the was crispy and creamy at the cuisine, what on earth are an international approach to colour of a well-used medieval same time, and the marma- you waiting for? Get down toasts. Replace ‘cheers!’ with a football, or the taste of a hand- lade was surprisingly zesty. to Havanabana ASAP, before more exotic interjection, such as of one’s thirty two teeth some held powertool acquired from Then we entered the realm Mr Culajo moves on to bigger the Russian ‘na zdorovye!’ or the exercise. Similarly one should B&Q. of the main courses. Mr and better things. It might Chinese ‘ganbei!’ which may then swill one’s mouthful around at At no point should one present Culajo recommended the not be the cheapest place in be explained away with years least five times, to allow for any useful judgement on the Cuban lamb shanklets with Cambridge, but it’s VERY spent drinking shots of vodka or each of the basic tastes a chance wine. Instead smack your lips banana mash, and I wasn’t good; although it is expen- pints of snake’s blood. Finally, it to appreciate the grape juice, loudly and announce ‘scrummy’. going to disagree with him! sive, it’s damned nice. is considered the height of bad with further sluicing to aid in One will invariably become too Tom plotted his own fishy Tom Evans returns next week manners not to drain the prof- the evaluation of temperature, squiffy to remember which wines 28% fered glass of its entire contents, astringency and kokumi (the were enjoyable or to recommend whilst spitting the wine out into Japanese tradition of ‘mouthful- any to others, thus select the e set menu costs £27.50 a bucket is practiced only by ness’). most costly and rely on the time- 72% peasants on the continent. A wine critic who actually honoured attitude that the more e wine list starts at £ 10.99 The more enthusiastic guests knows about wine is roughly as expensive a wine is, the superior at the wine tasting often smell rare as a dodo egg omelette or a its quality. Guy Stagg Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/listings [email protected] VIEWListings 27 fi l m theatre music other going out Kika The Complete Caribou Don Giovanni Carnaval Thurs 21st Feb, Arts Works of William Sat 16th, The Graduate, 19.30, £8 Wed 20th - Sat 23rd Feb, West Wed 20th, Soul Tree, Picturehouse, 17.00 Road Concert Hall, 19.45, £6 22.00-03.00, £3/£4/£5 Shakespeare Dan Snaith makes laidback for students (abridged) sounding psychedelic tinged Wed 20th - Sat 23rd Feb, electronica which has the The team that brought you ADC Theatre, 23.00 (Sat 23rd potential to sound really great Les Incas du Perous returns pick Feb, matinee, 14.30) live. Like all the cool kids he with this production of one of If you’re an English student Mozart’s most popular operas. you probably won’t want to has PhD in Mathematics. He got it at Imperial College Lon- Taking inspiration from the of see this (though bear in mind quote: “The only rule is don’t that it could be useful for your don. That’s the way it is these A warning comes with days. All aspiring musicians be boring” (Paris Hilton), it this fi lm, that it “contains ‘Shakespeare in performance’ claims to be bold and exciting, the graphic scenes which may exam question...). However, must have at least seven years and looks likely to be one of This ought to provide the 5th offend”; of course it does, we’ve been promised cross- worth of hardcore academic the major musical or theatrical week escapism. There will be it’s by Almodóvar. Expect dressing, bad dancing, curious study behind them and the events of the year. It even has Brazilian DJs and dancers, week a beautician, an American accents, and even a banjo. title ‘Dr’ before the music busi- its own website: music from all over the world, novelist, his reincarnated Frankly, it’s not those things ness will consider them. Even www.dongiovanni2008.com and prizes for best fancy photographer step-son, a that intrigue me, it’s how Amy Winehouse has a doctor- dress. predatory TV reporter, a they’re going to get all of the ate in Medieval History. Pete lesbian maid and ex-porn bard’s works, albeit abridged, Doherty is a fully qualifi ed star con. Excellent. into one hour. Medic. friday Jumper Something/Nothing Winter Kings Oliver Letwin: ‘Serendipity Heducation Vue, 10.00. 12.10, 14.20, 16.40, Corpus Playrooms, 21.30 The Graduate, 19.30, £tbc in Political Life’ Clare Cellars, 21.00, £4 18.50, 21.10, 23.30 Rope Lady Mitchell Hall, 17.30-18.30 There Will Be Blood Pembroke New Cellars, 22.00 Melancholic introspective rock. The Heducation crew bring Arts Picturehouse, 14.00, White Devil Yep, life is shit and no one does, Letwin continues the Darwin hip-hop, funk, breaks, drum n 17.15, 20.30 ADC Theatre, 19.45 in fact, love you. Stand on a College Lecture series on bass, and impressive guests. precipice and weep. serendipity.

saturday The Cat in the Hat The Vagina Monologues Caribou Momentary Momentum: I-Jambie & Technomaus 15 Arts Picturehouse, 11.00 Fitzpatrick Hall, Queens’, The Graduate, 19.30, £8 animated drawings King’s Cellar, 22.00-00.45 Frankenstein 23.00 Kettle’s Yard, Castle Street, Old Labs, Newnham, 20.00, Skates See pick of the week 11.30-17.00, free The Voodoo Rave crew visit free. ADC Theatre, 23.00 King’s. I-Jambie will provide The Bucket List Rope bass music, and Technomaus Vue, 13.10, 15.40, 18.10, 20.40 Pembroke New Cellars, 22.00 will play techno/house. sunday The Witnesses If only Cindies were open. Set Your Goals French Tapestry and The Sunday Service 16 Arts Picturehouse, 14.15 The Graduate, 19:30, £7 Illustration Twenty Two, 22.00-03.00 Juno Fitzwilliam Museum, Arts Picturehouse, 12.00, Californian ROCK! Don your 10.00-17.00, free 16.50, 19.00, 21.10 Kurt Cobain Hoodie. ROCK! Devil Horns. Yeah! ROCK! monday Cloverﬁ eld You could stay in? Swing Jazz This House would return the Fat Poppadaddys 17 Vue, 12.40, 14.50, 17.10, The Man on the Moon. Parthenon Marbles to the New Fez, 22.00-03.30, £3 before 11, 19.20, 21.30 Acropolis Museum in Athens £4 after There Will Be Blood They give no more details than Chamber, Cambridge Union, Arts Picturehouse, 14.00, the name. I imagine they will 19.30-21.30, members 17.15, 20.30 teach you how to do taxidermy. RAG Stand Up Competition Downing Party Room, 19.30,£2 tuesday18 Kings of the Road (Until Entertaining Mr Sloane The Bad Robots Chinwe Chukuogo-Roy Ebonics the End of Time) ADC Theatre, 19.45 The Graduate, 19.30, £5 Chamber, Cambridge Union, Fez, 22.00-03.00, £2 before 11, Arts Picturehouse, 14.30 Low Level Panic 19.00-21.00, members £4 after Le Doulos Corpus Playrooms, 21.00 Ska punk rock. Ooh the naughty RAG Stand Up Competition Arts Picturehouse, 13.30 little machines. Stop being so Clare Cellars, 19.30, £2 bad and naughty.

wednesday Memoires d’immigres Dangerous Liaisons Don Giovanni Don Giovanni Carnaval 19 Arts Picturehouse, 14.30 Robinson College Auditorium, West Road Concert Hall, 19.00, Chamber, Cambridge Union, Soul Tree, 22.00-03.00, Be Kind Rewind 19.30 £9.50 19.00-21.00, members £3/£4/£5 Vue, 13.30, 15.50, 18.20, 21.00 The Complete Works of Wil- First night. Le Doulos liam Shakespeare (abridged) They had this thing at Kambar CU Wine Society presents See pick of the week Arts Picturehouse, 11.00 ADC Theatre, 23.00 featuring live strings and a DJ. Falesco of Italy Twas really rather good. See www.cuws.co.uk. thursday Kika Entertaining Mr Sloane Amy McDonald This House believes that The Priory: EDMX 20 Arts Picturehouse, 17.00 ADC Theatre, 19.45 The Junction, 19.00, £10.50 Britain’s children are being Fez, 22.00-03.00, £5/£7 Be Kind Rewind Low Level Panic failed by the state Vue, 13.30, 15.50, 18.20, 21.00 Corpus Playrooms, 21.00 Pretty Scottish songstress, pur- Cambridge Union, 19.30-22.30 Dance of different shapes and Juno Dangerous Liaisons veyor of music to eat cardboard RAG Stand Up Competition colours. Watch out for the Vue, 13.40, 16.10, 18.30, 20.50 Robinson College Auditorium, to. She lists The Kooks and Trinity Wolfson Party Room, trance. 19.30 Razorlight as inﬂ uences. Say no 19.30, £2 21 more. More... Music Theatre Going Out Free Stuff Open Mic - Slag Retro Gaming All Frankenstein Unheard of. Stars Free Film, Sat 16th, Sat 16th Feb 15th and 16th Feb Wed 13th Feb Newnham Old Labs Corpus Playroom, 8pm XVIII Jesus Lane, The Graduate, 19:00 19:00 19:30 From the description it Are Friends They are doing some pretty sounds like this David You pay a pound and then Acoustic? cool stuff at ‘The Shop’. If Hare play is about promis- get to play SNES and Free Music, Sun you have been to the Edin- cuous public school girls. Megadrive games in a tour- 17th, The Graduate burgh fringe, its a bit like What more could you pos- nament. The winner takes 2:30pm the Forest Cafe they have sibly want from a night at it all. Like what you used there. Im sure this open the theatre? to do when you were 12 but mic night will be rather fun. with hard cash and beer. No one does cinema like bar room bar grafton centre • cambridge Corn Exchange Street, Cambridge CB2 3QF How was your da y? JUMPER (12a) (1h50) (NFT) Friday 15 Feb – Thursday 21 Feb Daily 10.00 (Fri/Sat/Sun Only) CLOVERFIELD (15) (1h45) Daily 10.30 (Fri/Sat/Sun Only) 12.40 14.50 12.10 14.20 16.40 18.50 17.10 19.20 21.30 Fri/Sat Late 23.40 21.10 Fri/Sat Late 23.30 PENELOPE (U) (1h50) Daily 10.20 (Fri/Sat/Sun Only) 12.50 15.00 THE BUCKET LIST (12a) (2h) OVER HER DEAD BODY (12a) (1h55) (NFT) Fri-Tues 13.30 15.50 18.20 21.00 Fri/Sat Daily 13.10 15.40 18.10 20.40 Late 23.50 Fri/Sat Late 23.00 SWEENY TODD – THE DEMON BARBER NATIONAL TREASURE 2: BOOK OF OF FLEET STREET (18) (2h20) SECRETS (PG) (2h25) (NFT) Daily 17.20 20.00 Fri/Sat Late 22.50 Daily 11.10* (Fri/Sat Only) 14.00* 17.30* ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS (U) (1h55) £ .50 (Not Tues) 20.30* Fri/Sat/Sun Only 11.00 JUNO (12a) (1h55) (NFT) IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH (15) (2h25) Daily 11.20 (Fri/Sat/Sun Only) 13.40 16.10 Fri/Sat Late 23.20 18.30 20.50 Fri/Sat Late 23.10 5 DEFINITELY MAYBE (12a) (2h15) (NFT) SUBTITLED PERFORMANCE: any 12” pizza, Daily 21.20 NATIONAL TREASURE 2: BOOK OF THE WATER HORSE (PG) (2h15) (NFT) SECRETS (PG) (2h25) (NFT) wrap or salad

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Prices start from just £20 Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 29 Sports Round-up

Football Ladies out of Down-ing and out Athletics Column Women’s rugby compete Continued from back page against Nottingham caught still fresh to the game, a cup The fi rst major upset of this year’s wayward bounce eluded keeper Cuppers competition saw Queens’, Trent in a match they Fran Stubbins, and gave the Oxford Cambridge University’s League second in division three, knock out eventually lost 26-15. Monkeys the upper hand. Although Cup run came to an end on Sunday Downing, third in division one. a mid-point goal from impressive at the quarter fi nal stage at the From the start, Queens’ were com- Sarah Baggs took the Nomads to hands of title chasing Norwich City. petitive, but the superior pace and 2-1, it was nevertheless the Mon- On an unseasonably warm and coherence from the Downing pack in keys who were able to capitalise on sunny afternoon, it was Norwich particular led them to dominate ter- their home ground and nervous op- who started the brighter, creating a ritory and possession. Despite some position, forcing fi ve goals through number of good half-chances in the exceptional Queens’ defence, Down- the Cambridge back line. But deter- opening 15 minutes, only kept at bay ing pressure did eventually lead to a mined work from forwards Helen by a combination of solid defensive try, were unable to kill off the match. Smyth and Captain Nuala Tumelty play, led by sweeper Claire Holling- The second half saw a complete re- was not enough to resurrect the sworth and assured goalkeeping by verse, with the Queens’ pack rising to game. Lisa O’Dea. the occasion. With time running out The fi nal game of the day saw Having weathered this early Tom Ding broke through the fringes the Second team Wanderers attack storm, Cambridge started to have and found support from Thorne, Oxford with unstoppable drives up more of the ball, but as the game who managed to drive his way over. the line and intricate ball work became more even, it was Norwich White provided the conversion to put around the top of the circle, par- who seized the initiative, taking the Queens’ in front, and after that they ticularly from Nikolai Bode. The lead shortly before half time. never looked like losing. Oxford Occasionals were forced The second half began much like into defence from the off and it the fi rst, with Norwich on top, dou- Mixed fortunes in BUSA was not long before Johnny Knight bling their lead on the hour. secured an early lead with a de- Cambridge seemed spurred on by In the fi rst round of the BUSA Cup fl ection from a defending foot. En- this second goal and began pressing tournaments, Cambridge teams had tirely against the run of play the hard for a way back into this game. mixed fortunes. Although both wom- Dark blues snatched an equalizer This soon came from the penalty en’s Lacrosse teams and their hockey before half time. The second half spot, Mandy Wainwright convert- and badminton counterparts are safe- once again saw Cambridge deter- ing a penalty she herself had won ly through, with the hockey girls re- mined on the attack, Jack Yelland following good interplay with Felic- cording a stunning 2-1 victory over an beating an agile keeper to take the ity Hughes on the left. Exeter side that fi nished second, the Wanders once again into the lead. The game then opened up as Nor- netball and tennis teams were both Despite keeper Chris Robinson’s wich looked for a third goal to kill off narrowly defeated. best efforts, the game ended in an the game and Cambridge pressed Men’s tennis, Rugby League and unexpected draw when an Oxford Rugby League hope- for an equalizer to force extra time. badminton sides all recorded convinc- converted a sort corner against the And in injury time, it was Norwich fuls were given a ing victories, but the Blue fencing and run of play. who found the decisive goal, scor- tough lesson by Har- basketball teams are both out after The day ended on equal footing, ing from a corner to make the fi nal lequins losing 48-2 closely fought fi xtures with Manches- a win, a loss and two draws apiece, score 3-1. ter Metropolitan and King’s London but Cambridge were undeniably Lee McGill respectively. the winning support, out-cheering SOPHIE PICKFORD Games & puzzles Varsity crossword no. 481 Kakuro 28 Be careful of brain. (4) Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never 30 Small amount of time. (6) use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur 31 Ok loot us, destroy the watch- in the same row in a separate run). 7 8 towers. (8) © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 32 Twin fl ags give two sets of COMPETITION 9 10 Win a bottle of wine from our friends at Cambridge Wine 13 18 rules. (6,9) Merchants. 8 Re-arrange the letters by rotating the discs to create six 10 Down separate six-letter words leading in to the centre. Email your 5 28 answer to [email protected] 4 4 11 12 13 2 Custom of American era. (5) Seas 11 3 Sticky point on leaf. (7) 6 6 12 4 The heads of Roman Empire 6 botched everything causing cata- A B 6 14 E 14 15 14 16 17 18 19 strophic anger for Isaac’s Wife. (7) E 8 5 Dried meat is odd, be it late or N S 23 L 16 18 nigh. (7) M 7 Aunt set off infectious disease. (7) ? I 18 ?

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21 11 Must ark crash for a smelly A T

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25 26 27 28 29 13 Green and red meal digested. (7) L Hitori ? O Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more than once

15 Iraq loses bottom terrorist per row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally or

I 25 organisation. (3) T vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 17 Georgia’s ﬂ atulence. (3) © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore

30 31 18 Every evening has whisky in it. (3) EDELSHAIN MADE BY ADAM 19 One-Nil, apparently you give 3 5 1 6 1 6 4

27 28 acknowledgment of debt. (3) 21 Give in and bum us silly with Sudoku 4 7 7 3 2 5 6 32 two clubs. (7) The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the 1 6 4 5 4 2 3 22 Red vehicle allowed after a digits 1 through 9 exactly once. second. (7) © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 23 Dijon is free and separate. (7) 2 1 2 3 7 6 2 Across 12 Manage company or detain 24 Grave has nothing before the 6 1 9 7 mess. (10) French rafﬂ e. (7) 9 6 7 7 4 1 4 4 3 5 1 Inevitable slur I alter for weak- 14 Cut needles back. (4) 26 First real greeting meets with nesses. (15) 16 Threatening silver guinea refusal for African mammal. (5) 1 8 2 3 2 1 5 4 7 9 Mess in lab can create man- about boat I have. (10) 27 Feudal Lord even claimed glen. (5) eater. (8) 20 Ass sees red, goes berserk and 29 Isn’t Edward renowned. (5) 1 9 5 3

5 7 3 7 4 6 1 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com 10 Some Queen’s teeth. (6) is re-evaluated. (10) 8 7 11 Ground grains for lunch per- 24 Inside unfortunate ﬁ sh. (4) 2 7 8 6 Last issue’s solutions haps. (4) 25 Time to ﬁ ght packs a lot. (10) Set by Ed Thornton © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 8 1 5 6 9 4 3 2 7 24 16 1 7 6 7 3 1 4 16 7 6 9 8 3 2 4 5 1 6 1 3 2 4 6 7 7 6 3 7 9 12 25 2 5 7 1 6 8 9 24 4 3 1 2 7 8 6 6 6 1 7 5 5 5 5 2 8 4 6 7 9 1 3 Answers to last week’s crossword (no. 480) 6 7 2 4 16 4 3 4 7 4 3 4 2 6 5 6 9 1 3 5 8 7 4 2 Across: (1) vulnerabilities, (9) cannibal, (10) biters, (11) meal, (12) coordinate, (14) snip, (16) aggressive, (20) reassessed, (24) tuna, (25) truckloads, (28) mind, (30) minute, 2 1 4 14 5 3 7 4 2 1 9 5 6 8 5 9 5 2 3 2 3 7 4 1 4 3 21 1 4 3 7 2 5 8 9 6 (31) lookouts, (32) double standards. 6 7 2 5 1 5 2 5 6 5 7 1 9 8 7 1 4 6 2 3 5 12 4 3 2 3 7 3 6 2 5 6 9 8 3 1 7 4 Down: (2) usage, (3) nonslip, (4) Rebecca, (5) biltong, (6) lobed, (7) tetanus, (8) egret, (11) muskrat, (13) emerald, (15) IRA, (17) gas, (18) rye, (19) IOU, (21) succumb, (22) 2 3 6 4 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com 3 9 scarlet, (23) disjoin, (24) tombola, (26) rhino, (27) liege, (29) noted. Sport editor: Henry Stannard and Luke Thorne Friday February 15 2008 30 SPORT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/sport

Gamblers Game of mist opportunities Unanimous » Apocalyptic fog prematurely ends an enthralling encounter Ed Peace & Niall Rafferty

It’s now week fi ve and so far our running total hasn’t changed by more than £3 in a single week. We’re starting to resemble the classic Premiership side that, despite high aspirations and bold promises, draws week in, week out and ends up adrift from the big boys come May. But unlike Liverpool, who look destined to clinch this honour in 2008, we reckon we’ve still got some tricks left up our sleeves. This week our banker travels to Deepdale in the fi fth round of the FA Cup, where a struggling Preston play host to Portsmouth. The last time Portsmouth went to Deepdale, they conceded a late Blues revert to a com- equaliser that briefl y checked pact style to cope with their march towards the 2002/03 Exeter pressure Championship title. Preston have paid the price for not following Dean makes a crucial them up last season, and there is penalty save to keep now a massive gulf between the the Blues in the game teams. Whilst Portsmouth look like genuine European contend-

ers, Preston have been in and JOSH DAVIS around the relegation zone all season. Despite beating Derby in CAMBRIDGE would have been a deserved lead. rian goalkeeper. But not long after, commanded by the Blues, and their the fourth round, a loss to bottom The penalty save failed to galva- fi ne work from Johnson and right increasing possession mustered an GOALS: GETHIN of-the-table Colchester on Tues- 1 nise the home side though, and they winger Luke Pendlebury provided excellent chance on the in the 57th day night revealed their fragil- ARTHURIAN LEAGUE were lucky not to be punished when Gethin with the simple task of slot- minute with Mike Johnson’s excel- ity. With the recent acquisition two free headers from set pieces ting home from within the six-yard lent through ball releasing Luke of Defoe, and the return of half Match Abandonned due to fog 1 were steered wide of Dean’s left up- Pendlebury only for him to drag of their squad from the African right. Cambridge were lacking any his fi nish well-wide of the left-hand Cup of Nations, wise money is on Andrew robson fl uidity or genuine width despite a Cambridge looked post. The Arthurians came even Portsmouth to triumph. Sports Reporter real captain’s performance from left- closer to grabbing the lead soon af- On Monday night, the televised back Anthony Murphy whose tough menacing on the break ter when they smashed the crossbar tie on Setanta features two sur- It was on Parker’s Piece some 160 tackling and genuine work ethic with a number of just after the hour-mark. Most of prise contenders in the Champi- years ago that alumni from the likes shone through what was becoming Cambridge’s play was by this point onship promotion race. Bristol of Harrow, Eton and Winchester an increasingly misty encounter. Up dynamic assaults on coming through right-back Nik Pan- City and Crystal Palace go head contested the fi rst recorded game to this point, strikers Mattie Gethin the Exeter defence telides, with the defender providing to head at Ashton Gate but both of football. And on a murky evening and Mike Johnson had seen very a number of incisive passes into the may see their Premier League one mile away on Grange Road on little possession whatsoever; their front line but as the game wore on, dreams fade a little here. City are Tuesday evening, Old Boys from attempts to drop deeper proved box. It was the fi rst time that Cam- the visibility became increasingly in the mix for automatic promo- those very schools humbled the unsuccessful as the Arthurians bridge had managed any real width, farcical. It became clear when the tion while Palace are among Light Blues, still in search of genu- continued to dominate the open- and the equaliser was genuinely de- referee could not physically see 13 sides hoping to surge into a ine momentum in their preparations ing exchanges and they took a deserved. The Light Blues ended the promising fresher Matt Amos ready Play-Off place: just seven points for the crucial Varsity match at Cra- served lead on the half-hour mark. half the stronger with the tireless to come on from the far touchline separate sixth-placed Ipswich ven Cottage on March 29th. Their fourth corner of the game Gethin and the aggressive Murphy that the conditions had rendered from 18th-placed Southampton. The Light Blues made a notice- was excellently delivered and met clearly rattling the Arthurians. the match unplayable. The captains A lack of goals has held these ably subdued start; Cambridge by towering centre-half Molloy who Having been under pressure for were called and a tightly contested two back; their respective league goalkeeper James Dean was forced headed past Dean with little-to-no the majority of the fi rst half, it was affair ended in a fair 1-1 draw some tallies of 38 and 37 are lower into an outstanding save on the ten challenge from a Blue. Cambridge Cambridge who brought their late quarter of an hour premature of the than every other team in the top minute mark, tipping over a fi ne ef- will be rightly disappointed with fi rst-half momentum into the sec- 90 minute mark. seven. Neither side is likely to fort when a corner was half-cleared their defending but the goal came ond period; almost straight from adopt a gung-ho approach, so a by Chris Turnbull. The Arthurians clearly with the run of play. the kick-off they moved the ball as Fog rolls in over low-scoring draw could well be continued to make more of an im- Such a soft goal required a re- quickly and as effi ciently as they Grange Road the outcome. pression on the game and their per- sponse from the Light Blues, and a would all game with Dave Mills’ The build up to the Chelten- formance was duly rewarded when massive positive that Murphy’s side fi nish failing to match the build-up. ham Festival continues with the Ali Hakimi’s missed header led to can take out of this game is their They could not sustain their domi- Red Square Vodka Gold Cup on a clear penalty being awarded for reaction to going behind. Within a nance, however, and a real midfi eld Saturday. The Haydock contest a trip by Turnbull. Blues’ keeper minute of conceding, Mike Johnson battle emerged. The presence of the doesn’t look particularly entic- Dean showed his class one again, spurned a good opportunity to get lofty Mills in a deep midfi eld role ing for punters, especially given however, producing a fi ne save to back on level terms, miscontrolling ensured much of the aerial competi- that the last 5 winners of the race his left to deny the Arthurians what into the arms of the grateful Arthu- tion in the middle of the park was have been rank outsiders. But we think Miko De Beauchene has got So, athletics then? the Blues squad. Next week jump squads especially are look- a great opportunity to notch up Yes, it’s not a sport that many we’ve good the inaugural Indoor ing out of this world. his second success of the season. Captain’s people have ever taken seriously Relays and Field Events Varsity He won the Welsh National in before coming to Cambridge. I match, which is being held at the December in impressive style Corner was lucky in that I lived quite Pickett’s Lock track in London, What’s the training like? and beat a number of Saturday’s near an Athletics track in my the site for of the warm up events There are four compulsory ses- rivals in the process. With a Athletics home town of Kingston, but there for the 2012 Olympics, before the sions a week, as well as extra tech- top-class jockey booked for the are lots of sportsmen, especially traditional Varsity match held nique and weights sessions. It is ride this weekend, the 5-1 being Humphrey Waddington from rugby and football, who on the 17th of May in Oxford. certainly possible to do ten, which offered by PaddyPower looks come over and end up getting We also compete regularly at leaves little time for anything else. pretty generous. their blue in athletics. Although other meetings, and are currently Now we’ve got permission to use there is a fair amount of tech- warming down from a really fl oodlights at our track at Wilber- 5-6 The Banker nique involved, the natural ability encouraging performance at the force Road, things should start to portsmouth to beat Preston £4 needs to be there fi rst. RAF invitational in Sheffi eld. get a little more fl exible. I cannot emphasise how vital they will be Prediction 9-4 to our future success as a club, and Bristol City and Crystal Tell us about your season? How’s it looking for Varsity? how well run the campaign was to Palace to draw £3 This year for the fi rst time we’ve We caned them in the men’s get them up. got three Varsity matches. The last year and only narrowly 5-1 The Long shot Fresher’s Varsity was held in lost in the women’s . Although The fi rst annual Indoor Varsity Miko De Beauchene to Michaelmas – we won the wom- they have a couple of stand-out Field Events and Relays Cham- win Red Square Vodka £1.5 e/w en’s but narrowly lost overall in athletes, Oxford really can’t pionships will be held at Pickett’s the men’s category, although we compete against our strength in Lock in London on Sunday RUNNING TOTAL: £29.30 did fi nd many new faces to bolster depth - our middle distance and Friday February 15 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 31

News from the That’s why we’re champions River » Women’s Blues show their class with a convinving win

CAMBRIDGE 3 Blues defence remained solid through some LETCHWORTH early short-corners 0 Tuesday was the fi nal physiologi- cal test of this Boat Race cam- Becks Langton paign. One last 5000 meter test, Sports Reporter fl at out, pitting every athlete against one another in a fi nal bout With the BUSA top-spot secured, of selection. the Cambridge women’s Blues When I was young I always im- Hockey team turned their atten- agined these sorts of tests would tion to the East Premier League get easier as talent improved, and bottom of the table Letch- that experience would offer re- worth. A beautifully sunny day at prieve from the bleak misery Wilberforce road drew out the sup- that characterizes rowing pieces. port for Cambridge and the Blues But I have grown to realize this were raring to go, determined to sentiment couldn’t be further secure a further three points and from the truth; as Tour de France maintain their top three position in champion Greg LeMond expertly the table. summed up, “It never gets easier. Letchworth were unexpectedly You just go faster.” strong from the start, linking quick So it was with particular dread passes through the middle of the that I approached Tuesday’s piece. pitch and forcing Cambridge into I longed for the shower and din- last quarter defending. A number ner that would greet me upon its of penalty corners were conceded LUKE THORNE conclusion. Rather than looking and it was only through sheer to give the home team the moti- sions. Undeterred by the increas- demonstrated their growing frus- forward to testing the limits of determination and consistently vation they needed to really step ingly village nature of the Letch- tration when some hippo sailed my ability, I found myself looking strong tackling from the back line up the pace and searing drives up worth play, Cambridge ability was into the back of Captain Fowlie. forward to the piece being over. that the Blues were able to avoid the pitch from Jenny Stevens and rewarded by a show-ground goal. the opposition player justifi ed her Yet as any endurance athlete conceding the fi rst goal. Anna Stanley saw ingeniously An unwavering tackle from Sarah two-footed tackle with the shoddy can attest, the actual race, the Determined to make their mark worked passing play foiled only Baggs turned the opposition onto excuse of ‘but she’s taller than me.’ conclusion of days or even weeks on a technically weaker team, the by the athletic Letchworth keeper the back foot and, following an in- Cambridge, however were unre- of anticipation, ends as quickly as Blues forced the opposition into and the post. The fi rst half ended spired set of passes as Alex Work- lenting in their pressure, working it began, unceremoniously and their own half with Tash Close with a green card for Sarah Baggs man and Lisa Noble left Letch- tight spaces to their advantage, without any of the aplomb such picking up any stray balls at the following a particularly cynical worth for dust, Tash Barnes seized and emphasizing their superior- endeavor should afford. And now back and Lisa Noble injecting tackle to foil a Letchworth break, her chance, placing a cool second ity with a third goal in the dying that it is over, rather than the some much needed pace into the the fi rst year defender lucky not to past the keeper. minutes and a hat-trick for striker expected emotions of relief and midfi eld. Cambridge established be shown a yellow. Tash Barnes, her top of the circle calm, it is nostalgia and a sort of a strong press around the circle, A reinvigorated Cambridge side strike defl ected off a defensive ill-deserved sadness that accom- retrieving loose passes and forcing returned to the pitch keen to fi n- “We got the result we stick. panies the abrupt end. the opposition into basic errors. It ish off the game and profi t on their The fi nal score of 3-0 refl ected We tested in two fl ights, and as was only a fi rst rate performance hard won advantage. Letchworth came for, although the well on Cambridge. Observer and a part of the fi rst group to start, I from the Letchworth keeper that also seemed eager to make their game may have been Nomad coach, Nick Mclaren com- had the opportunity to watch the kept the score line even and the mark, albeit with physicality over mented on the ‘clinical perform- second wave conduct their piece. Blues from consolidating on this skill. Strong defensive work from functional, not pretty” ance’, remarking that ‘we got the Surveying the room after its com- pressure. the Blues with damning tackles result we came for although the pletion, certain images are imme- The inevitable fi rst goal arrived from Alex Workman, and blaz- game may have been functional diately apparent. In one corner of late in the fi rst half when a complex ing balls up the line from Captain Cambridge then maintained this rather than pretty’. As Coach the gym are several guys passed short corner paid off for the Blues. Tash Fowlie, kept Letchworth at pressure. Switches around the James Waters was keen to point out, one preferring the comfort of Tash Barnes, once again showing bay, although their frustration was back were strong, Rosie Evans out however, there were in fact his side, while two more fi nd solace her innate goal scoring fl air, sent clear as swinging tackles arrived at indefatigable and Flick Hughes te- ‘moments of brilliance’ in which on their backs. Richard Stutt still the ball ricocheting off the goal every angle, threatening not only nacious in the tackle, meaning that Cambridge were clear in their sits on his erg, a physio attending keeper’s pads and into the back of the quality of the game but also the Blues were able to dictate the dominance, and outclassed Letch- to a nosebleed he developed gasp- the net. This advantage seemed Blue shins on a number of occa- game from the back. Letchworth worth in every corner of the pitch. ing for air in his fi nal sprint. And in the center of it all is Ryan Mon- aghan, face down in remnants of lunch, his body contorting like a seal’s in a rather pitiable attempt Lacrosse girls thrash UCL to get as far away from the stench of sick as possible. CAMBRIDGE embarrassing walkovers I’ve ever appreciate the utter dominance of her team ball game. It was also effective, Yet despite the misery endemic witnessed. I would have been more side’s attacking play. yielding three scores in all. to everything I see, I immediately 22 comfortable watching Kate Middle- At times it resembled a training The origins of the name lacrosse realize this scene is one of the mo- UCL ton attempting to hold a conversation session, as the girls casually set up are unclear. My personal suspicion ments I will miss most when I stop 0 with Katie Price, so extreme was the an offensive set-piece, encircling the is that, having witnessed a younger rowing. I will miss wanting some- Jamie Ptaszynski difference in class. UCL goal before passing the ball anti- brother take a faceful of sandy algae thing so much that I am willing to As it happens, lacrosse is a very clockwise and setting off on a series of from his sister’s net, passers-by could sacrifi ce my body to achieve it. Sports Reporter good spectator sport, particularly dummy runs. These runs peeled away often be heard to say ‘that lad’s cross’. Above all else I will miss the ca- Not many people know this, so keep when played with such verve, fl uid- the defenders from the goal area and Cross is the word I would have used maraderie that can only be gained it quiet: the game of lacrosse actually ity and lethal profi ciency as was dis- left the target open to a darting attack to describe the girls from UCL who through a shared and mutual suf- originated on the beaches of Devon played by the Cambridge girls. From by the ball carrier. I cannot pretend to had travelled up from cosy London to fering. I can’t imagine I will ever and Cornwall, where kids used to the start their superior fi tness and understand every nuance of lacrosse receive this humiliation: however as have as close of friends as guys sling dead guppies and seaweed at tactical aptitude was clear. The fi rst but, as an appreciator of sport, this is I walked past them on my way home like Ryan and Richard, guys who each other with colourful plastic fi sh- UCL girl to be substituted came off one of the most aesthetically pleas- they let off a cheer, apparently de- have shown me countless times ing nets. Wikipedia would have you after ten minutes with the words: ing attacking moves I’ve seen in any lighted to have won the coin toss. this year what depths of hell they think that it was invented by North ‘God, I’m knackered! That little would walk through before yield- American Indians, and its various blonde one’s really quick.’ She could ing to Oxford on 29 March. names meant ‘men hit a rounded ob- have been referring to either Emily A ‘shindig’ up So despite the anxiousness I ject’ and ‘bump hips’. But Wikipedia Knight or Ellie Walshe, who bossed front for Cam- felt to fi nish the piece and put couldn’t reliably tell you when fi sh- the midfi eld between them with al- bridge this chapter of life behind me, I fi ngers were invented. most aggressive grace. am struck with pangs of regret Judging by Wednesday’s per- Whilst captain and goalkeeper rather than reprieve. I am re- formance, many members of the Alex Carnegie-Brown must have minded that I must revel in all Cambridge University women’s la- been wondering why she bothered to the suffering I can fi nd in these crosse team harbour fond memories get out of bed in the morning, Kate last six weeks, for it is sure to end of breezy afternoons spent digging Morland and her supporting cast at too soon. around rock pools with their siblings. the far end had themselves a right It has been one of the pleasures Maybe it was the impossibly low tem- shindig. Morland herself tossed in of my life to pursue this crazy perature, maybe it was the alarm- ten goals, reaching her personal tar- dream with the members of this ingly thick fog, or maybe it was the get. Poor Alex, nose reddening from year’s squad. Never again will I sporadic sounds of gunshots coming intense cold behind the metal grill of long for it to be over. from over the hedge, but something her helmet, probably couldn’t even Spencer Griffi n Hunsberger spurred the girls on to one of the most see far enough through the mist to JOE GOSDEN Friday February 15 2008 varsity.co.uk/sport

Football p30 Blues battle with gorillas SPORT in the mist Honours shared in 2nds and 3rds Blues send RAF fl ying Varsity Hockey Becks Langton » RAF scramble to cope with rugby Blues once mist lifts Sports Reporter CAMBRIDGE The cumulation of almost fi ve months of preparation arrived with 27 four of the Cambridge Hockey teams traveling down to Oxford R.A.F. for the highlight of the second and third teams season. A long journey 13 over to the ‘dark side’ and a night of team bonding saw the fi rst team George Towers to play, the Bedouins arrive at the Sports Reporter pitch determined to claim victory. Undefeated in the nine years of On a miserable, foggy Wednes- playing in Varsity, the pressure was day evening the Blues took on fi erce, and although the Bedouins the RAF at Grange Road. Reel- dominated the game, with incred- ing from their 16-29 defeat at ible drives up the pitch by Man of the hands of the Army the Blues the Match Emily Bates and fi erce wanted to put a solid win past tackles from Captain Clare Sibley the RAF in what can only be de- the scores were level at thirty- scribed as dire conditions. Despite fi ve minutes. An impassioned half the weather the match had special time talk from coaches James Wa- signifi cance for seasoned fl anker ters and Philip Balbirnie gave the Richard Bartholomew, who won Bedouins the desire to consolidate his fi ftieth cap for the Blues. on their dominance, and the team The match started at a high entered the second half keen to tempo, unfortunately the fog ob- show the Oxford Hos their superi- scured the crowd’s view of the ority. Within ten minutes a fantas- far side of the pitch, but shortly tically worked short corner gave into the match the Blues were Lucy Maxwell a chance at the back awarded a penalty, which Ross post, the defender becoming a sur- Broadfoot slotted for three points. prise goal scorer and hero of the Following on from the penalty moment taking the Beds 1-0 up. the Blues renewed their attack, Sarah Donaldson was distinguished striking up the middle with Bar- in defense and initiating a string of tholomew who was playing at 8. clinical passes gave Catherine Dav- In the mist the Blues battered ison a ball at the top of the circle forward, but an RAF turnover that the centre forward was able was rewarded moments later with to convert into a two-nil lead. The a penalty for Corporal Ballman, Beds were ecstatic to claim nine who levelled the score at three all. years no wins for the Oxford Hos. In the damp, misty conditions The next game was the third it was no surprise that handling team Squanders who took errors characterised the match. on the Oxford Infrequents. BUSA Netball - Midlands Conference Several promising Blues attacks Cheered on by an ever-growing Women’s 1A 2007/08 broke down as the ball was spilled Cambridge contingent, the light P W D L F A Pt to the fl oor. The RAF missed their blue support outclassed the Ox-

LOUGHBOROUGH II 3 3 0 0 140 101 9 second penalty attempt, leaving SOPHIE PICKFORD ford crowd entirely. It was clear OXFORD 3 2 0 1 147 77 6 Cambridge to respond with an well have drawn to a level again; to dominance in the tight. They sity Match is already well under- that the pressure was affecting CAMBRIDGE 3 2 0 1 107 105 6 attack up the right. The cheers but as it was the Blues stood trundled a maul from 20m out way and competition for places is the dark blues as they conceded a BIRMINGHAM III 3 1 0 2 79 131 3 of the crowd on the far side of fi rm and held out in the mist. to score what is becoming quite already set in the minds of those goal within the fi rst ten minutes. BIRMINGHAM II 3 1 0 2 115 114 3 the pitch heralded the award- With the fog just beginning to a staple Blues try. Amidst the players still here next season. Strong defensive work from Cap- NOTTINGHAM II 3 0 0 3 80 140 0 ing of a try, the scorer of which lift as the far stand slowly came gloom and the tangle of bodies no The Blues won a convincing tain Tom Bullock kept the Infre- remains a mystery. Broadfoot into view, both sides opened up one knew who had scored, how- 27-13 victory against the RAF, the quents at bay, but the Squanderers again made his kick, building a and the game’s pace acceler- ever the try was awarded to Bar- RAF fought well, but the fi tness were unfortunate as Oxford caught lead of 10 points to 3 at half time. ated considerably. Broadfoot led tholomew to mark his fi ftieth cap. of the Blues told in the second half them on the break, leveling the Early in the second half Broad- the charge, cutting through the Alfi e Weston, an U21 develop- when a lift in the weather allowed scores at 1-1 and forcing a draw. foot missed his fi rst penalty at- RAF defence then barrelling ment player, rounded off the game the game to open up. The crowd, Following the Squanders, the tempt. Having been relatively over to score the fi rst of three with a try on his debut for the suffering in the cold and the mist, Nomads, possibly the most uni- subdued for most of the game, the second half Cambridge tries. Blues. Along with Weston a host weren’t disappointed; the Blues fi ed team of the club, took to the RAF really opened up. If it wasn’t Despite a decent display of open of U21s came off the bench for looked drilled and motivated pitch eager to continue the strong for a well worked turnover from running rugby, the Blues didn’t some experience at the top level. and hopes for the future must form of their season. Unlucky to be John Blaikie then the score may fail to disappoint with regards The build up to December’s Var- be high in the Cambridge camp. Continued on page 29

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