1 1 WAS BORN rtaki travels down memory lane, long into her childhood. The most vivid memory she has, is a recurring one and has stayed with her to date. She remembers the misty dawn in the mildly cold winter month of Margazhi, spanning the second half of December and the first of January which is probably the most pleasant in the otherwise hot south. This is the season of fasts and prayers - espe- cially by young maidens waiting for the knight in shining armour. The silence of the wee dark hours is broken by the melo- dious singing of the Thevaram, When nature plays a trick on Thiruvasakam, Thiruppavai, you and you are considered a Thiruvenbavai (centuries-old hymns composed by the great Tamil saints) by gender freak, there is not groups of young ladies and girls to the I much choice but to draw accompaniment of cymbals. And some- from your inner strength where, snug inside a warm blanket, Nartaki remembers a pair of tiny feet that •Ip to make a life for kept perfect time to the mesmerising • yourself, That is what, rhythm outside. f Nartaki, born with the Nartaki recollects, "This is the earliest anatomy of a man but the memory I have of my introduction to the world of music and rhythm - the tap-tap- heart, soul and mind of a ping of my feet, the first steps of my woman, did. Here she dance while my eyes were still half narrates to Annam Suresh, her asleep. I was barely four years old then." touching tale of pain, struggle Not incredible at all. That feline grace, the long tapering fingers, the slender waist, and finally her refuge in dance the soft face with those large expressive which celebrated her womanhood. eyes across which a thousand thoughts - A danseuse's heroic saga flash even as you frame your next question - this is a body dance to my one-man audience who would correct me and that probably began dancing in the womb. Nartaki is grace applaud me. But I soon realised that I needed formal train- personified, all woman. Yet, it was not always like this. In ing. With my family dead against my love for dance, it was fact, things were painfully different. very unlikely I would ever be able to manage that. I would imagine I was the great actress However, an elderly relative was instrumental in finding herself me my first flesh-and-blood guru Namanur Jeyaraman. But where would I get the money to pay him? This was when Nartaki gives you a glimpse of her very early life. She Sakti stepped in. Working in a small provision store that reminisces, "Ours was not a culturally accomplished fami- belonged to the family, Sakti's entire meagre income went ly. No one was particularly interested in music, dance, the- to pay for my dance classes. Though I am ashamed about atre, literature, painting or any form of art. It was just a it now, we were so desperate, we sometimes had to even very ordinary lower middle class traders family." steal a few rupees from home to make up the shortfall. As one walks into the sparsely decorated but neat drawing Without Sakti, who has been my closest friend since we room, Nartaki wipes the sweat off her face with the pallu were six and who is my partner, guide and source of of her chunni. strength and inspiration on and off stage to this day, I could The Bharata Natyam teacher, in a maroon silk salwar have done nothing." kurta, gives her students a few mudras to practise and comes over. The soft dainty hands are well manicured, the I've dreamt this a million long nails sporting matching maroon nail polish, the fin- times gers adorned with stone-studded rings, hair cut fashionably It was always such a struggle. Yet short (not a boyish style). Nartaki remembers only the As she speaks, her eyes dart towards her students practis- moment of jubilation, of utter ing in another part of the room, while her hands gesticulate bliss. Her face glows as she thinks fluidly, punctuating every word, almost an extension of the fondly of her moment under the | mudras she had just been demonstrating a moment ago. So sun, "I am on stage. I sweat pro- vivid are her gestures that she could well have managed fusely as I bend down humbly to without words. acknowledge the thundering y "My first guru was probably actress Vyjayanthimala. As applause. I look up for a young as seven or eight years old, I used to sneak out moment through the along with my inseparable friend and partner in all I do, tears that have min- if Sakti, to watch her late night shows in the neighbouring gled with my sweat, town, and on the way back, the deserted road was my misting my vision. stage. I would imagine I was the great actress herself and I blink through my naturally long lashes - was that really applause or a shastras. However, despite being so ancient and well collective jeer? I see Sakti next to me, with a smile ofSat- entrenched, for the last few centuries it has been neglected. isfaction and tears of joy. This is a recurrent dream - I've Are you sure that in the face of ridicule over what is a very dreamt this a million times. Do 1 look like Vyjayaiitioriala feminine portrayal, you will not give up this aspect that or Hema Malini? I look at the back of my palms fo]|ied in you have chosen to specialize in? Unless you are certain of front of me in modest acknowledgement of the resounding completing your specialization, I would advise you against ovation? No, it is not the ivofy-gold of either the scholarship. We could use it for somebody else.' I sim- Vyjayanthimala or Hema Malini, it is more like the deep- ply fell at her feet. I promised her I wouldn't let her down. rosewood 'marapachi or wooden dolls worshipped during From that day on, she became my guide. I bared my Navratri. And when I pinch, it hurts. It can't be a dream - anguish to her - I told her all that I had gone through, and no matter how many times I have dreamt it before, this went by the advice and guidance she so generously must be real. I had reached a major milestone." offered me." Nartaki had never thought that this would ever have been I was born a man possible, not after the trial by fire that she had to go Nartaki could not believe her luck. Life had been a living through. Arangetram was the first milestone ..thatfjre1 had to hell be fore this. After all, she was not born Nartaki. She cross to dance her way to her final goal. She tails of her "f||d fflin born different and christened differently. She feelings after the Arangetram, "Once the formal stage talks of her pain, "Nartaki (the danseuse) is the title my debut, or Arangetram was donef;|jfas obsessed with learn- guru gave me after my Arangetram, which impressed him ing under Natya Kalanidhi K.R Kittappa Pillai who had very much. My real name is Natarajan." A little smile trained great performers like'-:;;%^ayanthima^,,Hema . uv lights up her eyes as she enjoys the shock the confession Malini, Yamini Krishnamoorty and other dancers. Even brings. though I had achieved a moderate amount of recognition She continues, "I was born a man. Many still consider me with my stage performances, I had to chase him for over a one. My school certificate says so. But I know for certain year before he condescended to train me in the kritis (com- that the Lord played a little prank - I'm actually a woman positions) of the Tanjore quartet of the 17th and 18th cen- trapped in a man's world, in a cheap resemblance of a male turies. Once I trained under him in Tanjore, I felt I had anatomy. Take a good look - do I look masculine? It is not arrived. I had finally earned respectability." just my clothes - anyone can dress like a woman. But you I simply fell at her feet cannot look like one unless there is a woman inside you. Nartaki's journey then began in earnest. She smiles as she Lool%a| my waist, look at my features, my face, my smooth traces her pilgrimage into the world of dance^'ISoon after skin. How could I be a true man?" I joined Pillai's classes, my name became femijiar in danc- It is o that one tries to look for male characteristics. ing circles even outside my state. I was also awarded j| Yes the voice is a little hoarse, and though the waist is slen- scholarship from the umV der and the hips are woman-like, there is no bustline. ministry to specialize in the rare The sequence of events that led to a dancer being born out compositions of the Tanjore of an unusual, rarely acceptable and more often than not quartet. This great impetus to ridiculed state of body and mind, is a circumstance of coin- my care§£ was made possible by cidence. ||lpis as if the creator willed it to happen. Why the great Dr Padma would soiSfine born into a lower middle class family of Subramaniam who was on the traders (that never had boasted of an artiste and actually board of selectors. She took a considered such leanings a waste of time and money and good look at my clothes and the eajjfst road to debauchery) be named Natarajan, the general get-up and asked me to Li^rd of Dance. And then, why would this someone grow do a piece of my choice. Then |ip with the waist and feet, the hands and lips, and most of I had comfortably gone on stage 111, the eyes and heart of a dancer? Why also would anoth- a million times since childhood, ||r such child, born in the same town in a similar family, be I suddenly felt self-conscif)u% §1 named Sakti. Why would they seek each other out? Why that group of 40, I was would Sakti, as the name depicts, be the force behind one with a gender-identity crisii. fsfatarajan, as in the divine couple, egging, enabling, 'Do you know anything about encouraging the partner towards what seems to be a pre- the Nayaki Bhava (the role of destined goal, the preparations for which seem to have the heroine) that you haye por- begun long before they were born? I trayed so well?'.."" ,,,a|5iP I would deck myself up in my mother and | Subramaniam asked irie.!This is siifer's silk sarees... a most unusual theme, coifing Nartaki describes vividly her obsession with the human down from our puranA and form and with dance. H6r eyes take on a dreamy look as I PIX:S. SUHASINI she says, "Even when I was as young as four or five, I was Government of Tamil Nadu. To j ffl |fv enamoured of the human form, especially the female one. top it all, a Fellowship from the | I would stare in wonder at temple carvings. I would deck Union Human Resource 1 myself up in my mother and sister's silk saris and jewellery Development Ministry for and dance, pretending I'm one of the many sculptures training in the Nayaki Bhava come alive. All this was 'cute' as long as I was a kid. But style, 0n this forri% the artiste by the time I was about nine, our family and relatives were as the paramour, actually offers rather exasperated with this boy who instead of getting into herself, her art, to God and it is rough-and-tumble games like other boys was obsessed an act of complete humility with dressing in his sister's silks and jewellery and turning and submission.) into a Vyjayanthimala or Padmini. The family was disgust- There is a lot more to ed with my antics completely, often threatening me with a person than his severe punishment if I didn't mend my feminine ways. As genitals a result, the joy and pride of winning a prize in every dance m competition I took part in or the commendation I received The dance academy that at every performance was marred by the rain of abuses and Nartaki funs is sensitive to blows that would invariably follow the moment I reached those facing a similar trauma. home. There were times I tried to hush up the fact that I She elaborates, "There are a had participated in a competition or that I had performed few students like us - sfiunned by society and both sexes. on stage. But when I returned home, I found that news So we train them free. They stay with us since no one about the programme had beaten me to my door and I wants them. We are sure, soon, they too will earn would find my retribution waiting for me. But none of this respectability and one day society will realize that that seemed to deter me. Despite all this, I managed to pursue there is a lot more to a person than his genitals. One can be dancing classes in absolute secrecy. That is, it remained a a human being even if one is not all man or woman." secret till my Arangetram, my formal debut on stage as a Nartaki continues, "I have been invited to major dance fes- trained Bharata Natyam dancer." tivals all over the country. Soon I started a dance Academy where at least a few of the students as unfortunate as me I consider myself a complete woman would find a place. So far, I have taught over 200 students After going through a tormenting identity crisis, Nartaki of which nearly a dozen have made their debut on stage. shed all gender biases and decided to worship only the Some who have been unfortunate to have been born like human form - irrelevant of whether it was a man or a me too are Imy students. Rather than have them face the woman. She says, "The male or female identity on the kind of struggle and humiliation that I had to initially, I basis of one's physical characteristics are irrelevant to me. counsel them and let them stay with me till they are ready In fact, I now realize that they can in fact be detrimental to to spread their wings. The same relatives, family members, an artiste and prove to be a stumbling block to an unfet- neighbours and others who once ostracized me saying I am tered expression in a medium that requires multidimen- a source of eternal shame to them, today proudly declare sional and multifaceted portrayal like dance. As a dancer that they know me. I have four brothers and five sifters. All specializing in the Nayaki Bhava, I consider myself a com- of them, including their spouses and in-laws are proud to plete woman. I have faced no gender bias from my teach- be related to me now. My mother is alive but my father ers. They did not look upon me as a man fond of cross passed away a few years ago." dressing, as a freak or as a confused male attempting to Nartaki avars, 'This physical form that seemed so much imbibe a feminine art and play female roles, not as soi^e- like a curse has in fact been a god-given gift. In the evening one in the throes of a gender mixup, a man displaying fem- inine characteristics and therefore transgressing sacred bar- of my life, when age and health would probably! bar me riers of social and sexual acceptance. They simply consid- from dancing, I would have liked to have trained my suc- ered me an extremely committed student of the dance forM j cessor from among someone with the same gender conflict and I am eternally grateful for that. But the long road to the like me." She strongly feels, "Even a hundred years from stage was paved with hatred, abuse - physical and mental,! now, when people talk of the Nayaki Bhava in dance, they desperate attempts to pull us in different directions - but I should think of me - that's how good I want to be." finally made it, and soon we could afford to have Sakti And yes, she has a message for parents, siblings, relatives, dancing too." friends, an

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