Fall 2013 pact’spoint of view The newsletter for adoptive families with children of color Creating Narratives In This Issue Creating Adoption Narratives: Every Word Counts Every Word Counts By S. Kripa Cooper-Lewter by S. Kripa Cooper-Lewter 1 he stories we are told and the stories we tell have great meaning for our lives. The Harris Narratives: An Introspective T Study of a Transracial Adoptee As a social worker, researcher, author, life coach, wife, parent, and adult by Susan Harris O’Connor 2 adoptee, I am fascinated by the way families go about constructing a coherent narrative of their family lives. The narratives children are told by their families shape “WOW! You’re Jewish?”: Transracial how they view themselves in relation Adoption in the American Jewish Community by Jennifer Sartori to family and the broader world. This is & Jayne Guberman 3 one of the most important functions of families: giving children a sense of identity. Food Issues from an Adoption Personal identity develops in part through Perspective, by Katja Rowell 6 the family’s historical and cultural legacies, Pact Family Camp 2013: passed on through stories and related “Deep Learning, Strong experiences. As part of everyday life, stories Connections, Serious Fun” 8 are shared from one family member to the In Every Issue next, a rich process of interweaving and co- construction of narratives that bind families Book Review together. As children begin to narrate their Feed Me, Love Me own lives, incorporating their family’s stories S. Kripa Cooper-Lewter by Katja Rowell 7 into their sense of self, they often revisit the Teen Corner narratives they have been told across their lifespan and revise their narratives based Where I Wanna Be 9 on new information and experiences. Director’s Corner For children of color who are adopted, adoption narratives carry huge weight. As Six Challenges for Adoptive adoptive parents and others create or transmit their origin stories, children Parents of Children of Color 10 listen closely and internalize the accompanying messages about adoption. Pact Family Stories Narrated stories of birth and adoption play a significant role in fostering self-esteem, Saying It All in Just Six Words 12 resilience, and strength. When explaining how a child joined their family, the way in which the story is constructed and told is critical for self-acceptance and the Ask Pact ability to trust. Even for adopted children with areas of uncertainty and gaps in their The Language of Adoption: historical legacies, this act of narration is crucial, because they still carry with them Does It Really Matter? 13 biological reminders or marks of their heredity, serving as a reminder of the past ties Ask a First/Birth Mother they once had. by Susan Dusza Guerra Leksander 14 In 2012, I completed a qualitative dissertation based on the life stories of twenty women of color adopted transnationally and transracially to the United States before turning three. The women in my study were between the ages of 25-38 and represented eight different countries of origin. I utilized the autobiographical narrative to explore and compare how these women regarded their identity formation, pact provides adoption the meaning they attributed to their experiences, and how they constructed or services to children of color, reconstructed their personal narratives and identities over time. Across these twenty including both adoptive life stories, four re-occurring themes emerged: placement and support programs • Difference: how being different shaped them for children and youth. To serve • Connections: how family and relationships influenced their hopes and dreams the children, we offer parents • Identities: finding and revising who they were and could become lifelong education and support on family, race and adoption issues. (cont. on pg. 5) The Harris Narratives An Introspective Study of a Transracial Adoptee By Susan Harris O’Connor Susan Harris O’Connor has joined us at Pact Family Camp several times and always beguiles her audience with her combination of personal warmth and intellectual depth. Her reflections on her complex identity formation are now available in her book, “The Harris Narratives.” We are grateful for her permission to publish this brief excerpt, which gives a taste of her unique voice. y human existence is inclusive of many significant compulsive, and somewhat of a perfectionist. I share this only Midentities. Because I can hold these identities in my to paint the backdrop in which my mind constructs move. thoughts, I will refer to them as existing within my mind.1 My So, let’s continue to examine these constructs as they pertain significant mind constructs include: human being, female, to me, within my mind and within my ecology, today. heterosexual, social worker, wife, friend, relative, social status, age group, health, and The solid, vulnerable, bi/co-existent constructs speak to the being Jewish, Black, White, core identities within me. Native American Indian, and a My solid constructs are typically quiet, calm, and serene, transracial adoptee. therefore I view them today as my privileged constructs. On I have categorized my their own, or with each other, they create, for the most part, mind constructs into four no oppressive rub or friction in my mind. It is not to say that groups. The first group, my these constructs don’t exist without challenge, however the solid constructs, I view as challenges rarely feel as if they stem from “being wronged.” including: sexual orientation, There is hardly a need for my mind to contemplate how to social status, age group, and hide, deny, minimize, or omit them in conversation unless Susan Harris O’Connor health. The second group, my to do so would be with the intent to avoid hurting another vulnerable constructs, includes: person’s feelings. It is within these solid constructs that I race, religion and transracial adoptee, while a third group, my realize I sit in comfort and ease, and therefore I would view bi/co-existent constructs, includes human being and gender. these areas of my life as privileged. Yes, this is for the most The fourth group, my role constructs,2 includes spouse, social part the ongoing privileged areas sitting comfortably in my worker, friend, and relative. mind. It is almost as if there is no need to think about their meaning or existence. They just exist, and I feel and truly At this point in my life, after having done much work on believe that the environment I move within is fully accepting myself, all of these mind constructs on most given days move of them. around in my mind, quite comfortably. The solid, vulnerable, bi-existent and role constructs interact very well with one Although I view the vulnerable constructs as beautiful, they another. are occasionally noisy, messy, moody and colorful. They are the ones that will unexpectedly get my mind hopping when Worth noting: My mind does not suffer from anxiety or they perceive a threat or danger to their very existence. depression, and I have never taken prescription medication, There are numerous dances or games that they will perform, even during my worst years, following my adoptive mother’s depending on what they perceive to have happened, what death in 1989, although I probably should have. My they perceive is occurring, what they perceive as going to personality is for the most part playful, upbeat and bubbly, occur, or what their previous occurrences have been. What though intense when it pertains to topics I am passionate is difficult about their movement is that it is not confined to a about. I am a people person, somewhat obsessive, particular construct or situation. When a vulnerable construct is threatened, depending on the circumstances, it can slide up to or slam into or whack another vulnerable construct or 1 Note: This narrative was written in an attempt to free me from and constructs, sometimes attempting to overpower or sway make sense of why I was (at the time) struggling emotionally. I was or take hostage the solid and the role constructs. At which deeply concerned with how I was doing. I was also cognizant from my point, the constructs can be at war with one another, be in previous works of how cathartic the process of writing narratives has been. Therefore, I set out to study the area of me, ‘my mind,’ that felt agreement, or be both at once. troubled, hoping it would ultimately assist in my healing. Subsequent to completing this self-study of my mind constructs and this narrative, The bi-existent constructs consistently exist as both solid and I learned of Personal Construct Psychology (PCP) which was developed vulnerable constructs. In my mind, my gender and human by American Psychologist George Kelly in 1955, from which he created being constructs are very solid constructs, yet at the same the “Repertory Grid,” a tool to explore how people experience their time they can be very vulnerable constructs. Within my world. Refer to Kelly, G.A. A Theory of Personality. (1963). New York: W.W. Norton; first chapters of Kelly, G.A. (1955).The Psychology of ecology, and within my mind, I am unable to say that my Personal Constructs. New York: Norton. Kelly’s main opus is in two volumes. (cont. on pg. 15) 2 Kelly referred to role constructs in his work.

2 point of view | Fall 2013 “WOW! You’re Jewish?” Transracial Adoption in the American Jewish Community by Dr. Jennifer Sartori and Dr. Jayne Guberman These varying conceptions of Jewish identity all have different doption is, quite literally, changing the face of the impacts on adoptees. A American Jewish community. Synagogues, Jewish In times past, Jewish identity was both obligatory and community centers, Jewish schools, and Jewish camps hereditary; except in rare cases of conversion, one was around the country are home to an increasing number of Jewish because one’s biological mother was. In contrast, in multiracial families, many of which were formed through the United States today Jewish identity is largely voluntary, transracial and/or transnational adoption. The numbers are and debates about what makes someone Jewish are highly striking: among the respondents to our recent survey of contentious. Is a child Jewish because of his/her biological American Jewish adoptive parents, approximately 70% of mother? Or does Jewishness depend on how one is those who adopted over the past decade did so transracially raised and chooses to practice and identify? The contested (vs. approximately 40% of American overall) boundaries of Jewish identity can have weighty implications and 63% adopted transnationally (vs. approximately 15% for Jewish adoptive families. Some would consider an of American adoptions overall), indicating American Jews’ adopted child Jewish only if he/she has undergone a formal, openness to adopting across racial, ethnic, and national Orthodox conversion. Others accept a wider range of boundaries. A variety of aspects of the Jewish cultural and conversion practices. Still others would consider the child historical experience, however, can make identity – rarely Jewish by virtue of his/her adoptive parents’ Jewish identity simple for adoptees to begin with – especially complicated for and his/her upbringing. Decisions about conversion of their Jewish adoptees of color and their families. children are thus among the first and most powerful “Jewish” These issues are close to our hearts. We are both Jewish, decisions adoptive parents must make. both adoptive parents, and both research scholars. We Jewish adoptees of color and their families face an additional formed the Adoption and Jewish Identity Project with the challenge: the deep-seated presumption – common to goal of improving the lives of Jewish adoptees and their American Jews and non-Jews alike – that all Jews are white, families by creating broader understanding of the unique and thus that a person of color is, by definition, not a Jew. religious, cultural, and identity issues they face. Despite Because of this presumption, Jewish adoptees of color too the increasing prevalence of adoption within the American often find the authenticity of their identities questioned even Jewish community, little research has been done on the by members of their own communities, with potentially real-life experiences of Jewish adoptive families, and few corrosive effects. As a white Jewish adoptive mother of a resources exist to help them as they explore and negotiate black son comments, “The sentiment, ‘If you’re Black, you the relationships between birth and adoptive families and can’t be Jewish,’ came up several times, including at [Jewish heritages. To that end, we launched the first-ever attempt camp] and at Sunday School. Our son was treated, at times, to gather systematic and detailed information about the as an exotic animal, when he desperately wanted to be one experiences of Jewish adoptive families. In the first phase of the kids. He went from being proud of being Jewish to of our research, now complete, we conducted a nationwide distancing himself from it.” Another adoptive mother writes survey of American Jewish adoptive parents. We are now about her daughter, “It is always assumed that she is not beginning the next phase of our research, gathering the Jewish, and after a while she seemed to feel that they must voices of young adult adoptees raised in Jewish families by know something she didn’t. It just wears her down when conducting oral history interviews and soliciting personal people always give her that ‘WOW! You’re Jewish?’ look.” narratives in written, audio, or video formats. The “joking” but all-too-common comment, “Funny, you don’t Any exploration of Jewish adoptive families must begin by look Jewish,” can be extremely distressing for an adoptee acknowledging the complex, multi-faceted nature of Jewish already painfully aware of his/her lack of biological connection identity. Historically, Jewishness was an all-encompassing way to family and community. Similarly Jewish adoptees of of life, including not only what we think of today as “religion” color often find that members of their communities of origin but also law and culture; until modern times Jews lived as a question their identity and belonging, with, for example, distinct minority in self-governing communities separate from many African-Americans also assuming that “If you’re Black, the rest of society. Today, even Jews who are largely non- you can’t be Jewish” (or, conversely, that if you’re Black you religious often consider themselves culturally or ethnically must be Christian). Although these experiences are certainly Jewish, and virtually all Jews still conceive of themselves as common among non-adopted Jews of color as well, they can belonging to “the people of Israel” that goes back to Biblical be particularly problematic for adopted individuals, who, having times. Moreover, Judaism as a religion in contemporary grown up in largely white contexts, may find them especially American is highly diverse in belief and practice, ranging from fully traditional Orthodoxy to Reform Judaism which interprets Jewish law and practice in a more liberal fashion. (cont. on pg. 4)

Fall 2013 | point of view 3 “Wow! You’re Jewish?” (cont.) shocking and whose parents may be less prepared to help and practically, it is very difficult,” reflects one adoptive them cope with such experiences. parent. “The FCC [Families with Children from China] celebrates Easter only. Sunday school/Hebrew school is at Despite the fact that “Jews come in all colors” (as the the same time as Chinese culture and Mandarin class. It Jewish Multiracial Network rightly proclaims), the vast has been too expensive to belong to a temple and send my majority of American Jews do identify as white, posing daughter to Sunday school…. I will never be satisfied with challenges for transracially adoptive families. First and the non-solution I have found.” foremost, like most whites, American Jews are by no means immune to racism. Jews of color (adopted and non-adopted) Given the Jewish community’s concerns about the regularly report experiencing prejudice and discrimination continuity of Jewish identity, it is perhaps not surprising within the Jewish community, such as being mistakenly that many Jewish adoptive families struggle to achieve a identified as a custodian at a Jewish event or not being seen blending or balance of Jewish and birth heritage in their as an appropriate romantic partner for someone’s child. One everyday lives. In line with best practices in the adoption adoptive parent reflects upon her disturbing world today, many Jewish families who have experience at a former congregation, where adopted transracially and/or transnationally are “some people even said non-white Jews devoting considerable attention to incorporating ‘diluted’ the Jewish population.” elements of their children’s birth heritages into their family lives. Yet many find themselves Short of such explicit racism, white privilege – whether consciously or unconsciously – is also common in the Jewish community, as prioritizing one over the other. In our survey, is “Ashkenazi privilege,” the assumption that only approximately one quarter of respondents all American Jews have a shared background reported behaviors that indicated an equal in Eastern Europe that obscures and emphasis on both Jewish identity and birth delegitimizes other forms of Jewish culture heritage, with over half emphasizing either one and experience. The dominant whiteness or the other. of the American Jewish community and the attendant white and Ashkenazi privilege can Dr. Jennifer Sartori All this being said, the Jewish community can complicate efforts of adoptive families seeking also provide a very welcoming and supportive to bring up their children in a racially and environment for transracial and transcultural culturally diverse environment. As one adoptive adoptees. The Jewish people has always been parent observes, “I really look at books, etc., to far more racially and ethnically diverse than see if they are just displaying white Ashkenazi Americans (Jewish and non-Jewish) commonly families. I get ticked off when everything is recognize, and this diversity has only increased geared toward this norm.” Another parent as growing numbers of individuals of color worries “about spending time with large have joined the Jewish community through groups of Jews because too often they are all conversion and/or intermarriage. As a result, white and we try to limit our time with large Jewish adoptees of color and their families groups of all white folks.” have the opportunity to explore a wide range of Jewish cultures and communities. Indeed, The American Jewish community’s status Dr. Jayne Guberman many multiracial Jewish adoptive families report as a tiny minority can further complicate the how important it is to them to connect with other Jews efforts of adoptive parents interested in bringing elements of color, often through organizations such as the Jewish of their children’s birth heritages into their family’s lives. Multiracial Network or Be’chol Lashon (a nonprofit decided With widespread assimilation and intermarriage causing to Jewish ethnic, cultural, and racial inclusiveness) or by significant anxiety about the next generation’s Jewish specifically seeking out congregations, schools, camps, and identity, some adoptive families find themselves pressured, youth groups with a critical mass of non-white members. subtly or overtly, to prioritize Jewishness, or to incorporate at Especially in larger metropolitan areas, such families have most only superficial aspects of an adoptee’s birth heritage a range of options from which to choose, and most appear (Chinese food at a bat mitzvah, for example – as long as it to be successful in finding welcoming and supportive does not include pork). Many families find the communal communities. reaction ambivalent, as this parent describes: “The Jewish community is very supportive, but somewhat from a American Jewish adoptive parents also benefit from having distance. They still project, of course, that Jewish education at least some experience with blended identity, simply takes precedence over other choices (i.e. Hebrew over by virtue of being part of a minority culture in the United Vietnamese, of course, which is a difficult choice, and VERY States; increasing numbers do so as members of interfaith hard to do both!!). But admiring and supportive in tone.” or multiracial families as well. Despite communal concerns Parents and children may also struggle to find the time as about Jewish continuity, then, Jewish adoptive parents well as the emotional and financial resources for Hebrew may be more aware than other parents of the tremendous school and, say, Chinese or Korean school. “Institutionally richness that comes with having multiple heritages, and

4 point of view | Fall 2013 “Wow! You’re Jewish?” (cont.)

this in turn may heighten their sensitivity to their children’s desires to explore their birth cultures. As one adoptive Adoption Narratives (cont. from page 1) mother comments, “The bat mitzvah experience was • The Journey: gaining perspective and making meaning out inspirational and transformative for both of us… We made it of their life experiences somewhat traditional but we celebrated multiculturalism and acknowledged her Spanish roots. She wrote and presented Despite experiences of vulnerability, loss, and challenge, each an 18-page paper on the history of Judaism in Central woman interviewed and every story shared demonstrated the America from the Inquisition to the present. She did a dvar human spirit could emerge strong, beautiful, and resilient. torah [public presentation interpreting a reading from the The stories these women were told as children about their Torah] on racism.…. This ceremony really helped her with beginning history shaped their initial perspective of how they her identity formation as a Spanish/El Salvadoran Jew.” came into the world and who they were. As young girls, they Another parent reflects on how the adoptive experience often experienced both subtle and not-so-subtle messages changed her own conception of Jewishness: “I am more about the possible circumstances into which they were interested in how multiple identities can enrich Jewish born. Being loved by their birth mothers enough to be given identity (the dragon in the sukkah, red eggs at the Jewish away or rescued from a life of poverty emerged as common naming ceremony).” narratives about the beginning of their life. For example, The heterogeneity and fluidity of contemporary American Lena shared, “So that was basically the narrative, that I was Jewish identity can also create opportunities for Jewish the daughter of a poor single woman who just wanted to adoptees and their families. Adoptive families have the give me a better chance at life [laughter], as is often the option of exploring multiple communities and varieties of story, I think.” However, the narratives of being rescued or religious and cultural expression in search of a comfortable, given the opportunity for a better life did not always provide supportive, and inclusive home. Many respondents to our a satisfactory explanation or rationale for the underlying survey reflected on the transformative effect that being an difference transnationally-adopted women felt and faced. adoptive parent had had on their own Jewish identity. As As Hope explained, “One of the interesting things now that I one parent expressed it, “Becoming an adoptive parent to see is she’d always emphasize the poverty that she brought a JOC [Jew of Color] radically changed my conception of me from … More than, ‘It’s okay to be adopted, it’s okay to what being Jewish means, in a broader and more inclusive be different.’”In contrast, the stories told by other parents sense. (I’m almost embarrassed at my lack of sensitivity omitted any reference to birth family. For these women, on this subject in my pre-adoptive life.) It has also made their beginning narratives began with a recounting how their Judaism more meaningful to me in an ethical, spiritual, and parents came to the decision to adopt or other aspects of the intellectual sense, rather than as a kitschy, ‘ethnic identified’ adoption process (not being able to have children, completing – i.e. it’s all about chicken soup and matzoh balls.” We know the adoption home-study, going to pick up their daughter less about the experiences of Jewish adoptees, but those from the airport). Some women felt that their parents’ interested in blending their birth and adoptive heritages may omission of their birth family’s presence or contribution well benefit from the adaptability of Jewishness, choosing to created a void or gap in their self-understanding, although as identify strongly with certain elements while minimizing the young girls, they did not articulate or verbalize these feelings. importance of others. As these women reflected back upon their beginning adoption narrative, they expressed a desire that their parents In the next phase of our research, we want to hear directly would have shared more openly, as Sylvia shared, “I wish from young adult adoptees (age 18-36) raised in Jewish they would have been more open about my life before I joined families. We have no doubt that the process of listening to their family.” adoptees speak about their own experiences will bring to light new perspectives and challenges. If you or someone In other instances, narratives were incomplete because you know is interested in helping us learn more about the of abandonment, relinquishment, or complex adoption complexities of the Jewish adoptive experience, please processes (including sealed records). Not having a “birth” contact us at [email protected]. n or “beginning” story may create anxiety across different stages of development. The women in the study highlighted Dr. Jennifer Sartori and Dr. Jayne Guberman are co-directors of the Adoption and Jewish Identity Project. Sartori is Associate the importance of the source of information underlying Director of Jewish Studies at Northeastern University, and their beginning adoption narratives. Common sources of Guberman is an independent scholar and oral history consultant; information or misinformation included what was contained both are also adoptive mothers. in their adoption paperwork, or what their parents had been verbally told by an adoption agency representative at the time of their adoption. Given the scarcity or lack of information in many situations, abandonment was a common theme among participants’ beginning stories. After learning that

(cont. on pg. 15)

Fall 2013 | point of view 5 Food Issues from an Adoption Perspective By Katja Rowell “How can she trust me if all I do is try to keep food from with food, eat more given the chance, weigh more, and her—if all I do is say ‘no’ and don’t meet her needs?” practice disordered eating. “He pretty much only eats junk food. How can we get him That’s actually good news. It means that you don’t have to to eat more nutritious foods?” fight or work so hard. It doesn’t mean, however, that it will be easy. Feeding a child well is still a lot of work. “I sit for hours a day in front of her high-chair, begging her to eat one more bite. I can’t do this anymore, but I don’t Neutralize the power struggle know what else to do.” When families get stuck in food battles, not only does it make oday’s parents are bombarded with advice to get kids to children less able to eat and grow in a healthy way, it can also T eat more fruits and vegetables, protein, smaller portions, hamper trust and attachment. When feeding is going well, it or “green-light” foods. Parents try, and the more they push, the can offer satisfying opportunities for building trust. more stuck they feel. Division of Responsibility is the cornerstone of the Trust Foster and adopted children often present additional Model of feeding pioneered by Ellyn Satter, and it is the key challenges, which can make parents’ anxieties about feeding to neutralizing feeding struggles while supporting eating even more intense. These include: competence.1 It boils down to this simple concept: • malnutrition Parent’s job: decide what, when, and where children eat. • weight concerns (at both extremes) Child’s job: control how much to eat (from what you provide). • a history of food scarcity, which predisposes to hoarding And there’s more: and food obsession • If you’re getting sucked into a power struggle over food, re- • behavioral and self-regulation challenges view your role and your child’s. Most conflict happens when • sensory integration issues the parent tries to do the child’s job of deciding how much, • selective eating due to lack of supportive early feeding or when the child is allowed to take over the parent’s role. • seeking out conflict or control, particularly if the child’s his- • Serve foods family-style. This is the #1 tip parents say tory includes neglect or abuse helps stop power struggles. Put the food in bowls in the As a result, concerned parents feel that, for the sake of their middle of the table and allow your child to serve herself. children’s health, they must insist on certain foods or eating Help younger ones as needed. behaviors. This can turn the family table into a battle-zone. • Eat together. One loving adult, eating with a child, counts Some parents, tired of fighting, feel the only alternative is to as a family meal. Take-out counts. surrender and serve mac-n-cheese every night. But are the • “Ignore” what or how much your child eats. Talk about soc- only choices to fight or to give up? Is there a way to support a cer or art class, not nutrition, or how many bites of chicken child’s eating that builds relationships? The answer is yes! But she has to eat to “earn” dessert. first we need to understand why all that effort is not paying off. • Support nutrition where you can: maybe a smoothie or Pressure backfires frozen smoothie pop with breakfast or snack. Canned fruits or veggies are nutritious, and may be more familiar or Worried parents, with little support, find themselves in palatable to your child. Fruit has similar nutrition benefits to unpleasant feeding patterns that don’t help. Consider this: your veggies. child’s eating isn’t getting better (and may be getting worse) not in spite of your efforts, but because of them. What many • Offer sit-down meals and snacks with protein, fat and parents don’t know is that pressure with feeding almost carbohydrates. Just pretzels and juice will lead to a rapid always backfires. (You may also be surprised to learn that blood sugar spike and drop. Add a cheese stick and apple your child’s doctor—even your child’s feeding therapist or slices to those pretzels, for example, and blood sugar (and dietitian—may not have a broad understanding of the factors behavior) is likely to be more even. that effect your child’s eating.) • Always include one or two choices your child can eat and usually enjoys, such as bread, pasta, rice, or bananas. Research boils it down to this: • Avoid pressure: bribes, begging, sticker charts, praise, • The more you pressure a child to eat, the less well he earning dessert, guilt. tends to eat and grow. • Serve a child-sized serving of dessert with the meal, no • The harder you try to get a child to eat or weigh less, the seconds on desserts. more likely it is that your child will become preoccupied

1 Ellyn Satter, RN, MSW, www.ellynsatter.com

6 point of view | Fall 2013 • About once a week, serve “treat” foods at snack time (as BOOK REVIEW much as they want) with milk and fruit or veggie. • Have children help with menu-planning, shopping, cooking, Love Me, Feed Me or gardening if they enjoy it. Children are more likely to eat The Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Ending something they helped prepare, but it’s no guarantee. the Worry about Weight, Picky Eating, Structure helps Power Struggles and More In many areas of family life, the importance of structure and by Katja Rowell, MD routine is emphasized for adoptive and fostering families, and (Family Feeding Dynamics, 2012) feeding is no exception. Structure helps kids have a little bit of an appetite at meals and snack-time, which helps with picky Reviewed by Alison Seevak eating. Not allowing eating between meals and snacks also doptive parents have long known that feeding is an helps children self-regulate, or eat the right amount to grow in a important part of encouraging trust and attachment in healthy way. A a newly adopted or fostered child. But Making sure there are balanced sit-down meals and snacks just how one does that hasn’t always every 2-3 hours for younger children, and every 3-4 hours once been so clear. Ten years ago, as I they are school age, helps heal hoarding behaviors and even prepared to meet my new one-year- food preoccupation. Your child can let go of food worries when old daughter in a government office he trusts that he will be fed. You may even need to feed more in central China, the only advice about often when your child is first with you, or if you are healing food food I’d been given was to make sure obsession. This also means you can’t forget, or skip snacks in I packed a large box of Cheerios in my an effort to get your child to eat less. suitcase. Other adoptive parents told me that the cereal would be a sure way Be patient to calm a screaming, grieving baby. When you first stop pushing or holding food back, your child’s Although I’d done plenty of thinking and reading about eating may seem to get worse before it gets better. (I call this childcare and parenting as I prepared to adopt, food wasn’t Stage One of the transition to the Trust Model, and it’s the something to which I’d given a lot of thought. I figured that hardest part.) The older a child is, the longer it can take to learn as long as there was enough of it, we’d be okay. And we to listen to cues of hunger and fullness and appetite. were. Those Cheerios, along with Chinese baby formula, And what about learning to like new foods? You’ve probably did help to soothe my daughter during our first tumultuous heard that it takes ten exposures to learn to like a new food. days together. She proved to be—and remains to this day—a With the cautious, sensitive, or traumatized child, it may take capable eater, eager to try a variety of new foods, and gained hundreds of no-pressure exposures to a new food. Focus on height and weight just as she should. providing pleasant, regular, tasty meals and snacks, including We were lucky. But not all families are. As Dr. Katja Rowell the foods you would like your child to learn to eat. Remember explains in her article in this issue, children in or that pressure backfires, and hang in there. those who’ve been adopted may face additional challenges around food because of trauma or neglect in their histories. Becoming a competent eater Rowell, a family doctor-turned-feeding specialist, has written As your child gets used to the Trust Model, his attitude should a book with this in mind. Love Me, Feed Me: The Adoptive improve. He may even become a “joy at the table,” as one Parent’s Guide to Ending the Worry about Weight, Picky pleasantly-surprised mom described her previously picky and Eating, Power Struggles and More offers hope, relief, and belligerent son. By reducing stress and conflict, you build trust practical strategies for those who are looking to move beyond and connection, and with time, your child can progress with his feeding struggles and build trust and attachment between eating. The pleasant meals and positive experiences around food parent and child. have to come before the child can grow into a competent eater. Feed Me, Love Me is accessibly written, well-organized, and As sixteen year-old Yiseth, adopted as an older infant said, encyclopedic in the breadth of the feeding issues it tackles “Think of it from ’s point of view. What is the kid and the strategies it suggests. Rowell covers a wide range of thinking? It shouldn’t be ‘how can I get her to try this,’ but ‘how topics including an overview of factors that can cause feeding can I help my child do this at her own pace.’” n challenges, a review of various therapeutic interventions This article is for general informational purposes and is not families may encounter, and strategies for moving towards meant to replace careful evaluation and treatment of the child. the Trust Model of Feeding as pioneered by nutritionist Ellyn Satter (for an explanation of this model, see Rowell’s article Katja Rowell, MD is a family doctor turned childhood feeding on the preceding page). specialist with a special interest in helping adoptive and fostering families. She blogs, speaks at workshops, and does consultations; learn more at www.thefeedingdoctor.com. Her book, Love Me, Feed (cont. on pg. 16) Me: the Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Ending the Worry About Weight, Picky Eating, Power Struggles and More is reviewed in this issue. Fall 2013 | point of view 7 Pact Family Camp 2013 Deep Learning, Strong Connections, Serious Fun very year at Pact Family Camp, parents say to us, “We’ve been thinking about coming for years—now we wish we E started coming years ago!” If you are an adoptive parent who has been considering Pact Family Camp, if you have been wondering if the commitment of time and money is really worth it, please read these comments that parents at Pact Family Camp 2013—many of them attending for the first time—wrote in our memory book. We hope their words, and these photos of campers having the time of their life, will convince you that 2014 is the year that your family should be at Pact Family Camp. Ninety-two families joined us this year—won’t you join us next time?

I had really high From a young age my expectations for daughter (now a teen) said she Camp, and they wished she could live at Pact were all more Camp all year round because than met. It was it is the only place in the world phenomenal….I where she doesn’t have to was very clear explain her family to anyone. my son needed it, As a transracial adoptive but didn’t realize parent I feel the same way. how energizing It’s very inspiring—and a huge a community relief—to get support from of committed, people with similar questions conscious people and goals….Words can’t would be for me. It express what a difference Pact was humbling in a has made to our beautiful way. family….

It is great to have a place where our family looks like so many other families. Here, the kids settled into a “first-time” situation much more easily than other camps/workshops and other new settings. This is our first time here, and after the first day, our nine-year- old stated that we’re coming every year.

Thank you for giving us this safe place to have new experiences that will help our family.

8 point of view | Fall 2013 It means so much to Teen our girls to connect with their fabulous Corner counselors. Where I Wanna Be At Pact Family Camp, the teen campers accompany “the Littles” (campers up to five years old) to lunch each day, and take on the role of buddy. The teens take this role very seriously, as they begin to see themselves as role models This has been a wonderful experience for my son. He gets to flex his independence “muscles” at camp. This has been a wonderful experience for me as I learn how to embrace his independence in a safe space. who can use their personal experience to help others within their community. The Littles love and look up to the big kids. This year, the Littles sang a song for the Teens when they Pact camp is a met on the first day of Camp. That prompted one of our adult family reunion adoptee counselors and a group of teens to create a song for me. When for the Littles, and each day the Teens would arrive for lunch I get here I can pick-up singing the chorus of this newly-created Camp song. breathe easy This in turn led to the Teens joining together to create a verse for a few days describing their own experience of what Pact Camp means and bask in for them. The Teens performed the song for the entire Camp acceptance. My community on the final day, to wild applause, and many kids love Pact families reported that it was sung over and over in the days camp. This is a that followed. We proudly share with you: very special time for my family. Where I Wanna Be by Pact Teens and Dwight Smith Pact camp takes you from what you Arranged by Dwight Smith know to what you don’t know. Lyrics by Emiliano, Isabella, Jake, Jordan, Garrett, Maddie, and Dwight CHORUS: Pact Camp, where I wanna be, Deep Pact Camp, y’all my family. (X2) learning. Verse: Strong P - A - C to the T connections. Come on y’all; let’s have a party Serious fun. Once a year we get together Share our stories with each other Coping with the struggles of adoption Coming up with different options Pact Family Camp 2014 Values, beliefs, identity and race will take place at the ‘Don’t back down—we stare it in the face’ Granlibakken Conference Center Finding yourself is a constant chase CUZ outside Tahoe City, CA, CHORUS: July 3–8. Be there! Pact Camp, where I wanna be, Pact Camp, y’all my family. (X4)

Fall 2013 | point of view 9 forward with eyes facing outward, towards your child, instead Six Challenges for of inward towards only yourself. Here is our redemption: our lives have the opportunity to be reinvented each day, each Adoptive Parents of hour, each action, each choice. Move forward with courage Children of Color and you will find yourself miraculously healed. On page 12, you can read some of the six-word stories written 3. Develop zero tolerance for racism. by participants in Pact Family Camp this summer. Inspired by Stand up and speak out against the racial bias that pervades the power that Pact campers packed into so few words, Beth not only our individual thinking but also our institutional Hall focused her closing remarks at Camp, adapted below, on ethos. Learn to restructure the questions in radical ways, six key principles for adoptive parents of children of color. like historian Robin Kelley, who asks not whether George Zimmerman had the right to shoot down Trayvon Martin, but 1. Spend more time listening than talking. why the NRA didn’t stand up for Trayvon’s right to bear arms There are truths that I know in my bones because I have not and defend himself against the Zimmermans of the world. only seen but felt the duality of the adoption experience since Become one of “those people” who pushes back with your I was a young child. As a non-adopted sibling to an adoptee, words and with your power until the world is different. Don’t I had the chance to be the ultimate observer, because I be content to celebrate difference and diversity, demand grew up side-by-side with adoption in my family of origin. difference in our actions and our institutions. This gave me the chance to watch and listen, to see the It is our job as parents to teach our children what racism and profound impact of being adopted on identity and the search social justice is. Children need to know what race and racism for selfhood, both the challenges and joys, without having to are by preschool. Give them words to describe what they are feel responsible for any of the choices. I came to understand already learning through experience. I consider it a matter that if I am open to the full experience of adopted people, of life or death, analogous to learning to cross the street their anger, their pain, their joy and their triumph can teach safely—we would not dream of “waiting until they ask” me, can allow me to sometimes glimpse my children’s hearts or hoping “they will figure it out on their own,” it is far too and can shape my choices, allowing me to be there for them critical to their well-being. on their walk though life. Listen to what adult adoptees of color have say: they love their parents but struggle to stay We need to learn and practice how to use conversations as close to those who don’t acknowledge race and racism. And opportunities to hear what our child is thinking and what our please note this is true of all black and brown adopted people, child knows, and I think that can happen at a very young age. whether they are Asian, African, Latino and/or Native, so In our family, dinner table conversation often included starters don’t be lulled into thinking there is “not-so-bad” racism or like; “Did you hear what that little girl said? She doesn’t think stereotyping, based on the social hierarchies of race. Those it’s possible for Asian people to be American…” or “Did you who have come before your children say otherwise. hear that Oprah got questioned in a store about whether she had enough money to pay? She is one of the richest people in 2. Indulge in guilt and self-pity when it is the world. Why do you think they would ask her that?” needed, but never for very long. An extension of this principle is the commitment to believing a Parenting is certainly the hardest and most humbling child when they say something might have racial connotations experience of my life. Guilt is perhaps my own most intimate even if we are not sure it did. It is a life-protecting necessity heart partner, the place I go most easily in my parenting that children develop good antennae to recognize racism in and life journey when I feel insecure or am confronted with both its overt and more “subtle” forms. When teaching young the possibility that I have made a mistake. It hurts badly to children how to stay safe on the street, we don’t chastise acknowledge our own privilege and to admit our mistakes. It them if they are over-careful on an empty roadway, rather we can be tempting to pull back, to withdraw from our feelings understand that they are honing their skills and learning to of shame or fear, because they can take over. First, model practice caution, which we want to encourage. By the same forgiveness with yourself. Then do exactly what we ask our token, parents must encourage children of color to explore the children to do every day: get up and try again. We are all possibility of racialized responses and understand that this will certainly imperfect, and humility is required in the face of our sometimes mean that they see danger when it isn’t there. But experiences, but don’t let yourself get caught in a debilitating that is so much better than risking them not having the tools downward spiral that will force you to either push back in to see danger where it is. denial or be immobilized by shame. When hard truths must be faced, take a minute or an hour, find a partner who can 4. Become a change agent. hear and understand, coddle your own baby-self with love A few years ago, I was part of a beautiful wedding celebration and understanding, and then shake it off so you can move for two women who are part of the Pact community. During

10 point of view | Fall 2013 the festivities, each of us spoke about what they meant to are not sure you can move forward – stay connected with us. As members of their family and friends from across the them, because the ultimate commitment is to stand together, country spoke, they expressed the loss they experienced to love unconditionally, and to demonstrate that there is when these women left Maine and moved to the Bay Area, literally no behavior, no pain, no words, no actions that can where they felt their African American daughter and they break the connection that you have to your child. This is our themselves would find more connections and support. I promise and they, our children, are our inspiration. Bask in the knew that it had been me who had asked that they push privilege of loving a child and the journey will be amazing. n themselves to put their child’s need for connection and racial reflection ahead of their own comfort in their homeland. As I listened to the love and sorrow in the words of their friends, I knew I had asked more of them than perhaps I had ever asked of myself. Even as I more fully grasp just how difficult Pact Founders’ New Edition! these decisions are, I cannot be sorry but rather am inspired Pact co-founders Beth Hall and Gail when I meet adoptive parents who ask and act on the Steinberg have completely revised questions of where it is “safe” to live, and understand that their classic book Inside Transracial the real question is, “safe for whom?” Adoption: Strength-based, Culture- sensitizing Parenting Strategies for 5. Understand that being born to a family/ Inter-country or Domestic Adoptive heritage/community/country is important. Families That Don’t “Match” for a Recognize your child’s birth parents and birth heritage second edition released in July 2013. community as fundamentally a part of them. Whether or not you personally can find a reason to respect or love your “Brimming with facts, examples, challenge and child’s first parents, recognize their connection to your child inspiration, and plenty of hard-nosed practical advice. as a bridge to seeing them as human beings with profound [Offers] real solutions to real challenges. Reinforces the value. Whether you know them or not, whether you see message that race matters, racism is alive, and families evidence of that value, whether they have harmed your child built transracially can develop binding ties.” or not, our children are part of them and the legacy of their — Patricia Irwin Johnston, author of Adopting: Sound family. All of us are deeply flawed and deeply beautiful— Choices, Strong Families and Adoption is a Family Affair ourselves, our children, their birth parents. How can we ask our children to sort through the fundamental complexity of “Every adoption professional and transracial parent having two families if we are unwilling to do it ourselves? should read this book.” We must find the strength to embrace the fact that our — Joseph Kroll, Director, North American Council for children’s existence derives from their birth parents, and Adoptable Children (NACAC) understand that our children need our permission to explore that connection without worrying about or taking care of our “Beth and Gail have once again provided adoptive parents with information, examples, and approaches that are angst, our fears, or our desires. both practical and useful... They have created a resources 6. Be an anti-racist ally to your children, and overview of topics that can be used by agencies in and stand by them always. preparing parents for transracial/cultural adoptions.” — Joseph Crumbley, LCSW The goal is not to protect our children from hurt and challenges, because we will lose that battle. The goal is to be an ally – anti- “Eloquent, interesting, and intensely practical, you can’t read racist, anti-adoptist – in all things, no matter how hard. this book without thinking differently about your own life as a child, a parent, and a member of our diverse society.” It is sometimes tempting for those of us who are transracial —Lois Melina, author of Raising Adopted Children parents to see racism as an event, instead of an ongoing and The Open Adoption Experience series of messages that contribute to the belief that there are inherent race-based value differences between human beings. “Inside Transracial Adoption is the bible of resources on It is too easy for us white folks to hold our own experiences this subject and the book I most often recommend to and sense of race and racism in equal standing with those anyone considering adoption, adoptees, and adoption who live the daily experience of not being white in America. professionals. There is wisdom for everyone who cares Whiteness is privilege. Whiteness is power. Whiteness is about transracial adoption and the children and adults who the assumption that white people can use our own internal come together as transracial families.” barometers to understand everyone else’s experience. — Susan Soonkeum Cox, Holt Int’l Children’s Services

No matter your race, your kids need to know you have their Copies are now available for purchase back, every day. Stand by and with your children, no matter what. When they make you crazy, when you are so triggered from Pact’s online store at pactadopt.org. or angry or ashamed of their behavior or your own that you

Fall 2013 | point of view 11 Pact Family Stories Saying it All in Just Six Words Everyone within the adoption constellation has an important story that deserves to be heard. At Pact Family Camp 2013 we examined the power of narrative, word choice, and voice, as youth and adults were asked to “tell the story of how adoption has impacted your life—in only six words.” These six-word memoirs inspire and challenge us to think about the diverse spectrum of adoption experiences and how they impact and shape our lives. The exercise was inspired by the Race Card Project (theracecardproject.com), begun by journalist Michele Norris as a means of asking folks to distill their thoughts about race into compact “conversation starters” that wound up instead giving her and the world insight into a plethora of experiences, questions, hopes, dreams, laments and observations about race and identity. Jae Ran Kim, author of the blog Harlow’s Monkey, knew of Norris’s project and suggested that it would be interesting to have an adoption version, so we credit her as our inspiration. We share here some of the amazing narratives shared by the youth and adults who participated in Pact Family Camp 2013. Adult Adoptees Teen & Tween Adoptees Adoptive Parents Two families, oceans apart, forever linked. The gap between us is wide. I’m afraid of getting it wrong. Institutional racism lives in my skin. Expectations never meet who I am. I am not a f***ing saint. No one ever looked like me. Hard. Confusing. Lost. Two Families. No matter what, I am here. Difficult. Love is good, but not enough. Non-adopted Siblings Don’t touch my hair without asking. No, I am not the babysitter. of Adoptees I am not just another statistic. So much wrong. You are right. Not worthless. Worth enough for Find out why. Then change what. I am an ally for adoption. sacrifice. Completeness for me = fragmentation for Sometimes being adopted sucks. Swag It sometimes sucks to be adopted. you. cool. The color of my skin isn’t my identity. Love is easy. Courage is not. Be yourself at all, all times. Racism hurts. Stop judging. Help me. Why do you always judge me? Don’t listen to what others say. Racism is poisoning all of us. I am enlightened through my son’s eyes. She is real. She’s my sister. I define myself. Not you. Period. My heart, her heart, your heart. I/you will always be swag-magnificent. I don’t have to be grateful. She’s my everything. I’m not hers. One child. Two families. One love. Are they really brother and sister? My skin color does (shouldn’t) matter. Always more work to be done. I stand out at school. Alone. “He’s so lucky.” No, we are. Stop asking why I was adopted. Tell me what cannot be said. I stand out. I stand tall. You aren’t entitled to our story. My skin will (not) define me.

12 point of view | Fall 2013 I am certainly also who I am by virtue of the parents and Pact Family Stories Ask Pact family that I was born to, even if I have not met them, so if adoptive parents or others do anything to diminish their value, The Language of that means that some fundamental part of who I am is not being valued. Adoption As an adult I know that both sets of parents are real and have a significant role in who I am, but think about how your Does it Really Matter? daughter will feel at age six when you pick her up from school and someone asks, “Is that your real mom?” You have been By Katie Wynen mom since she first looked in your eyes and now someone After a long wait, my husband and I are overjoyed is saying you are not real?!?! If your child is not prepared to Q: to finally be the new adoptive parents of a hear these comments, it can be detrimental to her process beautiful baby girl. Before she arrived, I spent a lot of time of understanding adoption and everything it means. We have reading about adoption, and it seemed to me that a lot to be clear with children that some people don’t understand of emphasis was placed on using particular words to talk adoption and say that adoptive parents aren’t “real” parents about adoption: “placed” rather than “given away,” for and that we disagree with them. If we don’t talk about it with example. And I saw a lot of back-and-forth about terms children about these words, they will assume we agree that like “tummy mama” or “forever family.” Now that we adoptive families are not real. have our own adoption story to tell, I’m trying to use the In regard to the term “tummy mama,” I find that each right language, but my mom thinks I’m acting “politically individual family creates their own language to use when correct,” and my husband thinks I’m being over-sensitive. talking about and honoring their child’s birth parents. Many What do you think? Does it really matter what words we families use “birth parent,” or “first parent,” while other use? Am I over-thinking this? families use “tummy mommy.” The teens I have worked with Words have the power to harm, create conflict, who have an open adoption or are currently in reunion with A:confuse, inspire, support and challenge. Adoption is their birth family will often use their birth parents’ first names. about children and adults and that makes it really important. Every family and individual is different, but we do want to For those of us who are adopted, adoption brings many make sure the language being used is positive and supportive questions and emotions. For parents, adoption brings up of the birth family and the child. new things to think about. Suddenly the words you grew up When speaking about an adoptive family, I do not favor the hearing/learning/using may not work with your child who term “forever family.” This implies that you will be intact joined your family through adoption. forever, which may not always be true. I have worked with I was about twelve years old when someone asked me the plenty of adoptees that have watched their “forever family” “real parent” question. I pointed to my mom and dad who go through separation, divorce, and death. Be what you are were mingling with other parents and said, “My real parents and call yourselves what you are, a family. This phrase also are over there.” The kid looked at my parents’ white skin and implies that adoptive families are somehow more “real” or my brown skin and said again with a little more emphasis, long-lasting than birth family, when in fact birth connection “No, I mean your real parents.” I was (and still am) sassy, so I lasts a lifetime. For the same reasons that we must support responded again, “Those are my real parents.” This back-and- adoptive families as real, we must support birth families as forth could have continued for hours, so I finally responded real and forever. I like to say that my adoption will last forever with, “Do you mean my birth parents? No, I do not have and all of my families are real! information about my birth parents,” and left it at that. I have had the privilege of working with adoption triad I have known since Day One that I was adopted. Besides the members ranging in age from five to sixty-five. Without obvious differences in our skin color, my family talked about fail, we always discuss how much we hate hearing not only adoption, let me talk about adoption, and we knew some the phrase “real parents” but also terms like “given away,” positive adoption language. “not wanted,” “rejected,” and “abandoned.” These terms sound like we are a donation to Goodwill, an object ignored, I am now thirty years old and it still hurts when I hear, “Do a human being devalued. Yes, we sometimes feel unwanted you know who your real parents are?” Ugh, a pit forms in my or abandoned, but that is why we need important adults in stomach as I type out these two words that can cause such our lives to make sure we are also hearing more supportive harm to an adoptee and especially children. Without a doubt, language like “placed” or “made an adoption plan.” my mom and dad are my parents – both sets of them! I am actually a nice blend of my adoptive parents’ personalities and When I returned to my birth country, Colombia, and learned mannerisms, but when people add the word real, it implies that I was with my birth mother for a week before she placed that my parents—who raised me from infancy—are devalued, me for adoption, I was overcome with emotion to learn that I am devalued, our entire family is devalued. (cont. on pg. 16)

Fall 2013 | point of view 13 Ask a First/Birth Mother by Susan Dusza Guerra Leksander, LMFT and eventually support their child in making his or her own decisions. Ask A First/Birth Mother provides a forum for adoptive parents to ask the things they fear to ask, so that they can While there is no formula, here are some real-life examples more competently address the complexities of adoption for of concrete ways that adoptive families maintain connection the benefit of the children they are parenting. Susan chooses to first families on behalf of the adopted person: to use the term “first/birth mother” as a way of honoring two • scheduling monthly, quarterly, or yearly visits ways in which women who have placed children in adoption • offering spontaneous invitations to spend time together describe themselves. If you have a question you would like to when they are in the neighborhood see addressed, please send it to the attention of Ask A First/ Birth Mother at [email protected]. • initiating conversations about first families, telling your child that you are thinking about them What are various concrete ways to have openness • inviting first families to important events (birthdays, pro- Q: and connections with first families? What can the motions and graduations, recitals, etc.) spectrum look like and what are the pros and cons of the • attending special events in the lives of first families (wed- different options? dings, graduations, holiday traditions, etc.) The creation of an open adoption is a collaborative • hiring professional adoptions searchers to locate first fami- A:process involving the first parents, adoptive parents, lies in closed adoptions, making and maintaining contact and—eventually—the adopted person who will someday • using Skype regularly when first and adoptive families live articulate their own opinions and needs. For some families, far apart openness means sending photos and scheduling yearly • inviting first mother to baby-sit visits. For others, connection means everyone--adopted person, adoptive parents, and first parents--attending Pact • placing a photo of first family in prominent place in child’s Family Camp together! Because definitions of openness room can vary so greatly, it helps if there are social workers and/ • encouraging adopted person to learn their native/heritage or mental health professionals involved to offer guidance and language support to all parties in creating an arrangement that is truly Once the adopted person is old enough to make their own in the best interest of the adopted person. decisions, the adoptive parents’ roles switch to that of Discussions about the degree of openness and connection facilitators, ideally offering emotional, practical and logistical would ideally begin before a child is born. However, this is support to the adopted person. For example: not always the case. Sometimes the parties involved are not • funding a plane ticket for an adopted teen to visit their first ready to consider being part of an open adoption, sometimes family for a week they are never informed of or educated about this option, and sometimes they are afraid. But education and conversations • proactively assuring an adopted tween that they can call can also begin after the placement, if and when both sets of their first family any time parents are open to the possibility. • regularly asking the adopted person whether they would like their first family to be invited to special events The creation and maintenance of a truly collaborative, respectful open adoption in which all parties operate with • inquiring whether an adopted teen would like for them to integrity, with the intention to create opportunities for the search for other adopted siblings and providing the time, adopted person, is no easy task. For one, relationships energy and money to do so are not static. They are fluid and constantly evolving. • supporting the adopted person in reclaiming their birth When expectant parents initially consider the kind of open name adoption they want (if the agency is truly informing them I cannot speak to the pros and cons of each option, as of all their options) they are trying to imagine what kind of each situation is unique. The adopted person, the first relationship they might want with an imagined child with families, and the adoptive families all need to find their way imagined adoptive parents. Until all parties are actually living together—what works for one family may not work for the relationship, it’s hard to predict what might feel right. another. If both sets of parents remain focused on what is Initially all parents are making decisions based on their best best for the adopted person and are willing to defer to their understanding of what might be best for the adopted person opinions and needs, then there is a greater chance of a (and, in all likelihood, what they imagine they themselves positive outcome for all. can tolerate). Adoptive and first parents need to be flexible and willing to recognize that decisions based on their needs What I can speak to are the excruciatingly painful situations may not be what their child ultimately needs or wants, that can occur when there is too big of a gap between various parties’ definition of openness. Initially, this gap

14 point of view | Fall 2013 most often appears between the first and adoptive parents’ definitions of openness. Somewhere along the line, Adoption Narratives (cont. from page 5) unrecognized or unprocessed feelings may emerge and their daughters had been abandoned, some parents created suddenly one or more of the adults changes their mind a beginning narrative to attempt to explain this situation. about what kind of relationship they desire or are capable In other instances, parents provided intricately detailed of maintaining. While it can happen for both families and in stories, with layer after layer of detail. However, later in both directions (first or adoptive parents wanting more or life, some women found they were unable to verify these less contact than initially stated), ultimately it is the adoptive details, leading to further questioning and doubt.Participants parents who have the legal right to parent and are making identified the beginning narratives their parents told as decisions on behalf of the adopted person, and thus hold incredibly powerful. The narratives helped to shape their significantly more power in the relationship. Thus, special developing identities and understanding of how they came to care and consideration must be given when adoptive parents be. Some parents had difficulty addressing their daughter’s want to decrease the amount of openness. Keep in mind birth family history. Most parents based their narrative that someday your adopted child may have questions about on initial records or conversations with adoption agency the quality of connection that you maintained with their first representatives, while others developed explanations of their families. Are you proud of your efforts to maintain contact? Is own. Regardless of how the stories were formed, based on there anything you would not want your child to know about fact or fiction, the stories contributed to the initial lens with your choices? Are your actions in line with the values you are which women began to view themselves and make sense of trying to instill in your child? These questions require serious what it meant to be adopted. reflection, as the long-term quality of your relationship with your children may depend on your answers. Each one of us has a personal narrative: the story we tell ourself about who we are and how we are connected to May this column be in service of our growth and the well- others. The experience of adoption makes the construction of being of our children. n an autobiographical narrative and related identity processes Susan Dusza Guerra Leksander is a licensed psychotherapist in more complex, especially when there are gaps in information. the Bay Area and has done clinical work with birthparents, former Based on what I have learned from the women I listened to in foster youth, and adult adoptees in agency and private practice settings. She has spoken on the first/birthparent experience at my research, from the many other adoptees I have met and Pact Family Camp and educational workshops and is inspired to spoken with over the years, and from my own experience, continue her dialogue with adoptive parents throughout the year. I have come to believe that it is extremely important for She has a daughter whom she placed for an “open” adoption, adoptive parents and others who are imparting adoption which was subsequently closed by her daughter’s adoptive parents. She is also a transracial adult adoptee who reunited with narratives to: her first/birthparents as a teenager. • Choose words carefully. • Speak honestly. • Honor all aspects of a child’s narrative, including both the known and unknown. Harris Narratives (cont. from page 2) • Equip and empower your children to decide when and with whom they want to share or not share their story. gender or my human being are not solid constructs, nor am I Let them know there may be pieces of their story yet to able to say my gender or my human being are not vulnerable unfold. constructs; therefore they are bi/co-existent. Our stories are sacred. One day the stories you have passed My role constructs are positions, titles or roles I have in on to your children as their adoption narrative will become life. They are additional dimensions to my identity that give an essential part of their own life story. The stories you tell me purpose and meaning. With each role construct comes matter. n a relationship between me and the position, title or role, Stephanie Kripa Cooper-Lewter, Ph.D., L.M.S.W., is a Certified which is influenced by how it perceivesit is being perceived Personal and Executive Coach who has been a keynote speaker at by both the individual and collective members with whom Pact Family Camp. Portions of this article excerpted and revised it has a relationship. Meaning, this writer believes that from Dr. Cooper-Lewter’s dissertation, “Identity Journeys: Life each person brings his or her own mind’s blueprint, from Stories of Women Adopted Transnationally as Children.” Please email her directly if you would like to read more: skripa75@yahoo. which it operates both consciously and unconsciously, com. to their perceptions and identity. The role constructs can both negatively and positively influence all of my construct categories and vice versa. n Susan Harris O’Connor is a writer, performer, social worker and author. Her book The Harris Narratives: An Introspective Study of a Transracial Adoptee (The Pumping Station, 2012) is available for purchase through the Pact online bookstore.

Fall 2013 | point of view 15 Ask Pact (cont. from page 13) Book Review (cont. from page 7)

that she had tried to care for me. When she was unable, she Rowell’s book is based upon her experiences helping hundreds brought me to an and placed me for adoption. I now of adoptive and fostering families. Their stories, often told in know that it was difficult for her to let me go; I was not just their own words, are useful and inspiring. Also helpful is a dropped off or abandoned. Whether your child’s adoption is thorough appendix that includes topics like dealing with health open or closed, talking about their adoption story allows them care providers, snack and meal ideas, and medical issues that to know they were valued, not rejected. can affect feeding. Rowell is an advocate for families who have often dealt with years of unproductive therapies as well Sometimes people ask about the phrases “you were wanted,” as extended family and friends who just don’t “get it.” Her “you were chosen,” and “you are special/lucky.” The adopted message is always “trust yourself, trust your child.” youth I have worked with HATE hearing these phrases. We don’t want to hear fluffy words; we want honest language If this book has any weakness, it is that it covers so much about our birth parents and our adoption plan. We already material it could be overwhelming to read all at once. It may be have a lot to process about our adoption story and being called most helpful to families with already-identified feeding issues “special” and “chosen” just makes us angry; we are adopted. who can turn directly to the appropriate section of the book. Love Me, Feed Me is an excellent resource for fostering and Being “correct” about the terms you use with your child, or adoptive parents currently dealing with feeding struggles, or any adopted person or triad member, is important. Language is those who want to educate themselves so they can anticipate a powerful medium and can trigger many emotions. By using common challenges. It would also be a welcome addition to supportive, positive, and honest language, you are helping the bookshelves of extended family members, caregivers, and your daughter get ready to face the negative language she will professionals who work with these families. n sometimes encounter out in the world. The words you choose will let her know that her family supports her and her adoption Alison Seevak is a writer and teacher who lives in the San story. n Francisco Bay Area with her ten-year-old daughter. Katie Wynen, MSW, is Pact’s Adoption Case Manager and also works with teens and tweens. A transracial,Colombian adoptee, Katie studied under Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao in Boston before moving to California and joining the Pact staff.

Become a Pact Member Today! Join the largest national organization of adoptive parents, birth 5515 Doyle St, Suite 1 Susan Ito parents, adopted people, adoption professionals and friends devoted Emeryville, CA 94608 Chair, Adult Adoptee Advisory Board to better understanding of and support for adopted children of color. Voice: 510-243-9460 Lisa Kelly Pact members receive our print newsletter, our monthly e-newslet- Fax: 510-243-9970 Youth Coordinator ter, invitations to special events, discounts on books and educational www.pactadopt.org events, and access to our resource materials on parenting, adop- [email protected] Deanna Matthews tion and race, as well as national chat groups and affiliated support Education Specialist & groups. Pact Family Camp Director ANNUAL RATE Pact Family: $50 Beth Hall Malaika Parker Organization: $100 Founder and Director Family of Color Specialist Grassroots Organization: $65 Gift Membership* (Family): $40 Charlotte Aaron Guillermo Torres * purchased by members in good standing Office Administrator Youth Coordinator Katie Wynen Name(s) Sofia Arroyo Social Media Coordinator Pre-Placement Adoption Specialist Address David Berwick Point of View City State Zip Development & Website Administrator Beth Hall Phone Email Editorial Director Cheryl Fabio Agency Strategist Michele Rabkin Amount Enclosed $ ______Editor Attallah Hill Check #______(payable to Pact) enclosed Bookkeeper Margaret Copeland Graphic Designer Charge my: VISA MC American Express Marsha Hiller CC# ______Transracial Adoption Specialist Exp date ______CVV# ______

For more information: www.pactadopt.org/membership/