a Laugh-Out-Loud Collection of our Funniest Jokes, Quotes, Stories and Cartoons Compliments of the Aetna Foundation v Aetna Foundation a Laugh-Out-Loud Collection of our Funniest Jokes, Quotes, Stories and Cartoons

Reader's 1 VDigest The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. • Pleasantville, NY / Montreal PROJECT STAFF Copyright ©2006 by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.

EDITOR Marianne Wait

SR. DESIGN DIRECTOR All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited. Elizabeth Tunnicliffe Reader’s Digest and the Pegasus logo are registered trademarks of The Reader’s Digest CONTRIBUTING EDITOR Association, Inc. Doug Colligan

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Jeanette Gingold ISBN 10: 0-7621-0814-2 COVER AND SPOT ILLUSTRATION ISBN 13: 978-0-7621-0814-5 Elwood Smith

Address any comments about Laughter, The Best Medicine II to: READER'S DIGEST BOOKS The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. PRESIDENT AND PUBLISHER Adult Trade Publishing Flarold Clarke Reader’s Digest Road EDITOR IN CHIEF Pleasantville, NY 10570-7000 Neil Wertheimer

MANAGING EDITOR Suzanne G. Beason Previously published in 2005 as Laughter, The Best Medicine (ISBN 0-7621-0719-7) ART DIRECTOR Michele Laseau

PRODUCTION TECHNOLOGY MANAGER Douglas A. Croll Cover illustration © Elwood Smith

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PRESIDENT, NORTH AMERICA GLOBAL EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Eric W. Schrier Introduction

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live. Patient: "That is bad news. What could be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

This familiar joke made mil¬ Enter 11-digit prime number Reader’s Digest has always lions of people laugh when we to continue... believed in the power of laughter. published it in Reader’s Digest Smash forehead on keyboard Our well-known magazine magazine. And every time you to continue... column, “Laughter, the Best laugh, it’s like taking a miracle Medicine,” has appeared in every pill for your health. According to Even subjects of great debate issue of the magazine for over doctors and scientific researchers, and heated discussion can be half a century. Over the years, laughter can reduce stress, lower defused by humor: we have published more than blood pressure, boost the immune 100,000 jokes, quotes, and funny system, improve brain function, "As long as there are tests, there will stories from the more than and even protect your heart. be prayer in public schools." 20 million people who have Maybe that’s why the average per¬ submitted them. We receive about son laughs around 17 times a day. And when we’re afraid of 35,000 submissions each month When you think about humor something, the best thing to do and have awarded more than and health, it’s no wonder that we is laugh our way through it. Let’s $25 million to our comic contribu¬ have a “funny bone,” that humor is say you need an operation. You’re tors. We never thought we were “contagious,” and that laughter scared. You’re worried. You don’t in the business of healing, but is “infectious.” know if you’ll come through it all. science has put us there—and Humor is also an “antidote” to So your friend takes you aside, we’re glad of it. everyday problems, like trying to gives you a pep talk, and says As you read this book, remember make sense of a computer error. don’t worry unless you hear the to share a laugh or two with your You can get angry about it, or you following during the operation: family and friends. And keep it can respond with a joke, like this handy. You never know when you’ll one: "Better save that. Well need it for need another dose of the best the autopsy." medicine. Or, as Groucho Marx ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! once said, “A laugh is like an "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Press any key to continue... Bad dog!” aspirin, only it works twice as fast.” Press any key...no, no, no, "Oh, no! I just lost my Rolex." NOT THAT ONE JACQUELINE LEO "Wait a minute...if this is his spleen, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Press any key to continue or any READER'S DIGEST then what's that?" key to quit... A Kid s World Life in These 69 Times They're innocent, earnest, 7 and accidentally hilarious. It keeps us plugged in, turned on, The priceless things kids say, the and sometimes ticked off. unlikely things they do, and The ironies, absurdities, and the brain-sguashing challenges marvels of modern-day life. they pose to us unsuspecting adults.

AH in a Day s Work Dumb and 33 Dumber 95 You put a bunch of adults together and tell them to get People do dumb things— something meaningful accom¬ the dumber, the funnier. plished, and for some reason, Here are the verbal flubs, social it often turns out pretty funny. gaffes, and fix-it fiascos we love to laugh at—as long as they're not ours. Humor in Uniform Word Play Aging 181 217 Gracelessly The trials and tribulations of our Is English the easiest language to sons, daughters, parents, mangle? It sure seems so. Here are 125 and friends in the military. silly word plays, ridiculous Face it—you're not getting euphemisms, hysterically flawed better, you're getting older, and utterances, and other fun language the sooner you come to terms twists and plays. with that, or incorporate All Creatures Botox injections into your budget, Great and Small the better. 195 Last Laughs Dogs, cats, and countless common 241 critters are all part of our Jest the facts: Laugh-out-loud Venus and Mars everyday lives. Here's the funny humor we couldn't resist, stuff that happens when animals 151 plus the funniest one-liners cross paths with us humans. Speaking of war and laughter— of all time. put together, it's called marriage. Despite thousands of years of practice, men and women still don't connect well. But it's fun to watch 'em try. Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2018 with funding from Kahle/Austin Foundation

https://archive.Org/details/laughterbestmedi0000unse It keeps us plugged in, turned on, and sometimes ticked off. The ironies, absurdities, and marvels of modern-day life. r

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L Life in These Times

My boyfriend and I met online During a visit to the ladies’ Learning to use a voice-recog¬ and we’d been dating for room, my friend Addy heard nition computer program, I over a year. I introduced Hans to the woman in the next stall sud¬ was excited about the prospect of my uncle, who was fascinated by denly ask, “So how are you?” finally being able to write more the fact that we met over the Startled, Addy replied tentative¬ accurately than I type. First I read Internet. He asked Hans what ly, “Fine.” out loud to the computer for kind of line he had used to pick The woman continued, “So about an hour to train it to my me up. what’s new?” voice, then I opened a clean page Ever the geek, Hans naively Still confused, Addy said, “Not and dictated a nursery rhyme to replied, “I just used a regular 56K much. What’s new with you?” see the magic. modem.” It was then that the woman The computer recorded: - ANNE MCCONNE snapped, “Do you mind? I’m on “Murry fed a little clam, its fleas the phone.” was bright and slow.” Kids have a greater need for - MARION SPARER - CARRIE E. PITTS speed than classroom com¬ puters can deliver. Impatient to I was visiting a friend who could turn in his term paper, one rest¬ not find her cordless phone. -Timeless Humor from the 50’: less student kept clicking the After several minutes of search¬ The big electronic computer ing, her young daughter said, “Print” command. The printer in the accounting department started to churn out copy after “You know what they should performed admirably until copy of the kid’s ten-page report. invent? A phone that stays con¬ summer weather arrived. The topic? “Save Our Trees.” nected to its base so it never Then it practically quit. - KEN CUMMINGS gets lost.” A diagnosis of the trouble

- MIRIAM SCOW revealed that the machine was extremely sensitive to am five feet, three inches tall I changes in temperature, rying to explain to our five- and pleasingly plump. After T so the only thing to do was I had a minor accident, my year-old daughter how much to move it into an air-condi¬ mother accompanied me to the computers had changed, my hus¬ tioned room. emergency room. band pointed to our brand-new Now, as we office drones The triage nurse asked for personal computer and told her perspire and droop, we are my height and weight, and I that when he was in college, a treated to the vision of the computer operating coolly blurted out, “Five-foot-eight and computer with the same amount and efficiently beyond the of power would have been the 125 pounds.” glass wall of its private office. While the nurse pondered this size of a house. What was that again about information, my mother leaned Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, men being smarter than over to me. “Sweetheart,” she gen¬ “How big was the mouse?” machines? tly chided, “this is not the - CYNDY HINDS Internet.” - M. M.

9 A friend of mine was I returned from Russia after liv¬ enjoying his new ing there nearly two years. My car’s powerful sound sister decided to surprise me by system by driving creating “welcome home” signs in along with the vol¬ Russian. She went to a website ume way up. At a that offered translations and traffic light, he heard typed in “Welcome Home, Cole.” someone shout, “Hey, She then printed the translated do you mind?” phrase onto about 20 colored Stopped next to cardboard signs. him was a young man When I got off the plane, the in an open convert¬ first thing I saw was my family, ible. He pointed to an excitedly waving posters printed object in his hand and with a strange message. My sister said, “Can’t you see I’m gave me a big hug and pointed "It’s guaranteed for the life of the product, on the phone?” proudly to her creations. “Isn’t which obviously ended when it broke.” - DENNIS DIGGES that great?” she said. “Bet you didn’t think I knew any Russian.” When my printer’s type began A pastor I know of uses a stan¬ I admitted that I was indeed to grow faint, I called a dard liturgy for funerals. To surprised—and so was she when I local repair shop, where a friendly personalize each service, he told her what the signs actually man informed me that the printer enters a “find and replace” com¬ said: “Translation not found.” probably needed only to be mand into his word processor. - COLE M. CRITTENDEN cleaned. Because the store The computer then finds the charged $50 for such cleanings, he name of the deceased from the I purchased a new desktop-pub¬ told me, I might be better off previous funeral and replaces it lishing program that surprised reading the printer’s manual and with the name of the deceased for me by containing a make-a-paper- trying the job myself. the upcoming one. airplane option. I decided to give Pleasantly surprised by his Not long ago, the pastor told it a try. After I selected the plane I candor, I asked, “Does your the computer to find the name wanted, the software gave me a boss know that you discourage “Mary” and replace it with choice of accessories available for business?” “Edna.” The next morning, the my plane, including a stick-up tail, “Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” funeral was going smoothly until adjustable flaps and an AM/FM the employee replied sheepishly. the congregation intoned the radio. Out of curiosity I chose the “We usually make more money on Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” AM/FM radio. repairs if we let people try to fix they read from the preprinted The program responded with a things themselves first.” program, “born of the Virgin message box stating: “Come on, - MICHELLE R. ST. JAMES Edna.” be serious. These are just paper - ROBIN GREENSPAN airplanes.”

- GREG SCOTT Life in These Times

Our newer, high-speed The first Sunday after my hus¬ Working as a telemarketer for band and I bought a new car, MCI Communications, I computer was in the we parked it in the last row of the made a call to a Minnesota home shop for repair, and my church lot, not wanting to be one evening. When a boy around son was forced to work ostentatious. While talking with eight answered the phone, I iden¬ friends, my husband, Byron, acci¬ tified myself, told him I was on our old model with dentally hit the panic button on calling for MCI and asked to the black-and-white his electronic key. Immediately speak to his parents. printer. our car’s horn blared and its lights As he put the phone down, I flashed. heard him yell, “Dad! Dad! The "Mom," he complained Watching Byron fumble with FBI wants to talk to you!” to me one day, "this is the button, his friend teased, As soon as the father answered like we're living back in “Wouldn’t it have been in better the phone in a quivering voice, I taste to put a few lines in the said, “Sir, this is not the FBI; this the twentieth century." church bulletin?” is MCI Communications.” - DENISE PERRY DONAV1N - DONA A. MOWRY After a long pause, the man said, “This is the first time I am actually One cold night my furnace glad to hear from you guys.” died, so I went to my parents’ - LYNDA CYPHER house. In the morning, a neighbor called to tell me that my water pipes had burst and flooded my town house and hers. I raced home—and on the way got a speeding ticket. Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me he didn’t think he had the proper fuse but would check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak. When the furnace repairman returned, he held aloft a fuse. “I had the right one,” he said tri¬ umphantly. “This must be your

lucky day.” “I’m going to prescribe something that works like aspirin - CANDACE M. PRESTWICH but costs much, much more.”

11 It is so rare to be I was preparing lunch for offered a meal on air¬ The elevator in our building my granddaughter when the lines these days that malfunctioned one day, leav¬ phone rang. “If you can answer ing several of us stranded. Seeing one question,” a young man I was surprised to a sign that listed two emergency said, “you’ll win ten free dance hear the flight atten¬ phone numbers, I dialed the first lessons.” dant ask the man and explained our situation. Before I could tell him I was not sitting in front of me, After what seemed to be a very interested, he continued. “You’ll long silence, the voice on the be a lucky winner if you can tell other end said, “I don’t know me what Alexander Graham Bell "Would you like what you expect me to do for you; invented.” dinner?" I’m a psychologist.” “I don’t know,” I replied dryly, “A psychologist?” I replied. trying to discourage him. “Your phone is listed here as an “What are you holding in "What are my emergency number. Can’t you your hand right now?” he asked choices?" help us?” excitedly. “Well,” he finally responded “A bologna sandwich.” he responded. in a measured tone. “How do “Congratulations!” he shrieked. you feel about being stuck in an “And for having such a great sense elevator?” of humor...” "Yes or no," - CHRISTINE OUINN - LOLA CANTRELL she said. One night, telephone solicitors y son, Scott, an insurance kept interrupting our supper. M KERVYN DIMNEY broker in Florida, loves When the phone rang yet again, ocean fishing and takes his cell my father answered it. By his phone along on the boat. One remarks, we assumed it was his morning we were drifting about Telephone solicitors are one of friend Ed, a notorious practical ten miles offshore as Scott dis¬ my father’s pet peeves. He is joker. cussed business on the phone. especially annoyed by those who Dad kept saying things like, Suddenly his rod bent double, and offer “free gifts” as part of their “Cut it out, Ed. This is very funny, the reel screamed as line poured sales pitch. Late one night, Dad but I know it’s you. C’mon, stop it off the spool. was in bed when the phone rang. or I’ll hang up. I’ll get you for Scott was master of the situa¬ The voice on the end of the line this.” tion. “Pardon me,” he told his said: “Congratulations, you’ve just When Dad hung up, my mom customer calmly. “I have a call on won a free burial plot!” asked, “Was that Ed?” another line.” “Great!” Dad replied. “Send it “No,” my father replied. “It was - ART HARRIS over.” Then he hung up. a salesman, and I don’t think he’ll - D. VANCE NOONAN call back.”

- TONI M. VIDRA

12 Life in These Times

I provide technical support for the computer software pub¬ lished by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted. I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, “Don’t forget to empty the trash.” Obediently he replied, “Yes, dear.”

- CYNTHIA KAINU

One Saturday night my boss I’m a deputy sheriff and was y mother began getting calls and her family came to our parked near a motel, running from men who misdialed house to play cards. As they were radar checks, when a man the similar number of an escort driving away at the end of the approached my vehicle and asked service. Mom, who had had her evening, I discovered that she for help. He complained that the number for years, asked the tele¬ had left her purse in a corner next volume on the television in the phone company to change the to the dining-room hutch. I was empty motel room next to his was organization’s number. They about to call her house, intending so loud that he and his wife refused. The calls kept coming to leave a message on the answer¬ couldn’t sleep. day and night. ing machine, when my son No one was in the motel office. Finally, Mom began telling the reminded me that they had a The man’s wife was outside when gentlemen who called that the cell phone. I reached their door. That’s when company had gone out of busi¬ As I dialed the number, I mar¬ I got my idea. I asked her for their ness. Within a week, the escort veled at the technology that remote control, aimed it through service voluntarily changed its would alert them before they had the window of the empty room, number. driven all the way home. A few and turned off the blaring TV. - MARIAN BURGESS seconds later the purse began - RAY ALLEN to ring.

- PATTY DUNHAM

13 Just ahead of me in line at the movie theater was a woman with a cell phone glued to her ear, arguing with the ticket vendor. “That movie can’t be sold out!” she shouted. “I’m talking to my boyfriend who’s sitting in the theater, and he says there’s two empty seats next to him. One ticket, please.” She got her ticket.

- CLAUDIA J. WRAZEL-HOROWITZ

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player. Knowing she was not that tech¬ “This man here is saying that he stole your identity, nically astute, I called her a few got bored, and now wants to return it.” days later to see how she was managing. “Fine. I listened to My cell phone quit as I tried The brave new memo about Shania Twain this morning,” she to let my wife know that I the company’s revised travel said. was caught in freeway gridlock policy read as follows: We were “The whole CD?” I asked. and would be late for our anniver¬ no longer allowed to buy cheap “No,” she replied, “just one side.” sary dinner. I wrote a message on tickets via the Internet. Instead, - COURTNEY DYER my laptop asking other motorists we were required to use the more to call her, printed it on a portable expensive company travel depart¬ A phone company representa¬ inkjet and taped it to my rear ment. Furthermore, to show how tive called to ask if I was windshield. much money we were saving, we interested in caller ID. Since I’m When I finally arrived home, were asked to comparison-shop blind, I asked, “Does it come in my wife gave me the longest kiss for fares—on the Internet. Braille?” ever. “I really think you love me,” I thought the typo in the last The rep put me on hold. When she said. “At least 70 people called line of the memo summed it up she returned, she replied, “I’m and told me so.” best: “The new process is ineffec¬ sorry, sir, but the caller ID box -JARON SUMMERS tive today.” doesn’t come in that color.”

- KIP HARTMAN - ED LUCAS QUOTABLE QUOTES

A computer lets Part of what makes a human being you make more a human being is the imperfections. mistakes faster Like, you wouldn’t give a robot my ears. You just wouldn’t do that. than any invention

- WILL SMITH in ImTouch in human history— with the possible “If we are a country committed to free exceptions of speech,” asks comedian Steven Wright, handguns and “then why do we have phone bills?” tequila. - MITCH RATCLIFFE

Just think how far we’ve come in the Most people hate cell phone use on trains; 20th century. The I love cell phone use on trains. What do you man who used to want to do, read that report on your lap, or be a cog in the hear about your neighbor's worst date ever? wheel is now a digit — LIZA MUNDY in The Washington Post Magazine in the computer.

- ROBERT FUOSS in The Wall Street Journal You can't write A modern computer is an electronic wonder that performs complex mathematical calcula¬ poetry on the tions and intricate accounting tabulations in computer. one ten-thousandth of a second—and then - QUENTIN TARANTINO mails out statements ten days later.

- PAUL SWEENEY

You can buy anything on eBay. I bought the world’s oldest globe. It’s flat. Designer of Audio CD PackagingPackaging Enters ^ BY STEVE MARTIN Hell The burning gates of hell tions,” the snake said, “but now all “Shrink-wrap was nice for a were opened, and the he ever talks about is you, you, while. I liked that there was abso¬ designer of CD packag¬ you. Come on, let’s get you ready lutely no place to tear into it with ing entered to the for dinner. We can talk about your a fingernail, but I knew there was Devil’s fanfare. “We’ve been want¬ assignment later.” further to go. That’s when I hit on ing him down here for a long As the snake led the way to cellophane, cellophane with the time,” the One of Pure Evil said the dressing halls of hell, a yearn¬ illusion of an opening strip, where to his infernal minions, “but we ing, searching look came over its really none exists.” decided to wait, because he was face. “How did you do it?” the That night, at the celebratory doing such good work above, snake asked. “You know, invent dinner held once an eon to honor wrapping the CDs with cello¬ the packaging? Everyone wants new arrivals, the inventor sat to phane and that sticky tape strip. to know.” the Devil’s right. On his left sat Ask him to dinner, and be sure The inventor, his feet comfort¬ Cerberus, the watchdog of Hades to invite the computer-manual ably aflame, and flattered by all and noted designer of the pineap¬ people too.” the recognition, relaxed into his ple. The Devil chatted with the The Devil vanished, missing the surroundings. “The original plas¬ inventor all night long, then warm display of affection offered tic CD ‘jewel box’ was just too requested that he open another the inventor. damn easy to get into,” he bottle of wine, this time with a “Beelzebub himself opened a explained. “I mean, if we’re going two-pronged, sideslip corkscrew. nasty cut on his finger trying to to prevent consumer access, for The inventor perspired, and an unwrap a Streisand best-of,” whis¬ God’s sake, let’s prevent it! I want¬ hour later the bottle was pered an imp. A thick snake ed a packaging where the uncorked. nuzzled closer, and wrapped itself consumer would run to the At first, no one noticed the around the inventor’s leg. “He used kitchen for a knife, so there was muffled disturbance from above, to be enamored of the remote- a chance to at least slice open which soon grew into a sustained control people, with their tiny his hand.” clamor. Eventually the entire little buttons jammed together, “Is that when you got the idea gathering looked toward the ceil¬ and their enigmatic abbrevia¬ for shrink-wrap?” said the snake. ing, and finally the Devil himself CD buyers are getting a bum wrap, says renowned comedian Steve Martin.

noticed that their attention had closed his eyes and contemplated The inventor breathed easily. shifted. He raised his head. the eternity to come in the bleak¬ “No problem.” Hovering in the ether were ness of hell, and how he would “Good,” the snake said, and three angels, each holding an probably never again see a turned to go. object. The inventor knew clear¬ snowflake or a Fudgsicle. But then Just then a shudder rippled ly what the objects were: the he thought of the nice meal he’d through the inventor’s body. milk carton, the Ziploc bag and just had, and his new friends, and “Say”—his voice quavered with the banana, all three perfectly decided that snowflakes and nervousness—“who will remove designed packages. He remem¬ Fudgsicles weren’t that great any¬ the cotton wad from inside the bered how he used to admire way. He thought how the bottle?” them before he fell into evil. upcoming eternity might not be The snake turned slowly, its The three angels glided toward so bad after all. There was a knock face contorted into the mask of the dais. at the door, and the snake entered. Beelzebub. Then its voice deep¬ One held the Ziploc bag over “The Devil asked me to give ened and transformed itself, as the aspirin-bottle people, and you your assignment,” the snake though it were coming from the bathed them in an otherworldly said. “Sometimes he gets powerful bowels of hell: light. A yellow glow from the headaches. He wants you to be “Why, you will,” he said. “Ha, banana washed over the hell¬ there to open the aspirin bottle.” ha, ha, ha, ha!” ▲ hound Cerberus, designer of the “I think I could do that,” the pineapple, and the milk carton inventor replied. poured its white luminosity in the “Just so you know, he likes direction of the CD packager. The a fresh aspirin every Devil stood up abruptly, roared time, so you’ll have something in Latin while succubi to remove the flew out of his mouth, and then tamper-resistant angrily excused himself. collar, the After the fiasco, the inventor childproof went back to his room and fiddled cap and the with the five remotes it took to aluminum seal,” operate his VCR. Frustrated, he said the snake.

17 The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either “Running” or “No Start.” On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body. Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car’s year, make and model, and then read the owner’s comments: “Please note—the radio does not work.”

- CHICK MANSUR

‘Bobby was caught imposing his values on another student.” riends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A Our flight was about to take off I recently bought a new car that man at the next table told his cell when the passenger behind had a faulty light. When, after phone caller to hold on. Then he me immediately launched into a five visits to the dealer’s shop, they stepped outside to talk. loud and annoying conference were unable to fix it, I tried to get it When he returned, I said, “That call on his cell phone. “Sally, get replaced by threatening to use my was very thoughtful.” the customer lists. Charlie, pull all state’s lemon laws. My calls and let¬ “I had no choice,” he said to me. the data together we have on... ters to the dealer got me nowhere. “You were making too much Bob, can you bring us up to I went to a florist, ordered a noise.” date...” and on and on. fruit basket filled with lemons - NORM BLUMENTHAL As the flight attendant began and sent it to the dealer with this the preflight safety instructions, poem: After we got broadband the executive’s voice was “When I drive my lemon, I’ll be Internet, my husband decided drowned out by the PA system. thinking of you. to start paying bills online. This While the safety speech contin¬ Pretty soon, my attorney will worked great; in fact all our bill ued, I heard him mutter into the too.” companies accepted online pay¬ phone, “Hold on a second. Some A short time later the dealer ments except one—our Internet people just like to hear them¬ called and asked what color I’d service provider. selves talk.” like my new car to be. - SARAH LIBERA

- G.BORMAN - JOHN T. CARROLL

18 Life in These Times

I dialed a wrong number and got My mother, a master of guilt -Timeless Humor from the 6©’ the following recording: “I am trips, showed me a photo of Faculty members at Texas not available right now, but I herself waiting by a phone that Christian University were thank you for caring enough to never rings. urged to become familiar with call. I am making some changes in “Mom, I call all the time,” I said. the time-saving machines of my life. Please leave a message “If you had an answering machine, the new computer center. after the beep. If I do not return you’d know.” Soon after, my Basic courses in their use your call, you are one of the brother installed one for her. were given, and research changes.” When I called the next time, I projects were accelerated. The faculty was enthusias¬ - ANTONIO CURTIS got her machine: “If you are a tic—except for one veteran salesperson, press one. If you’re a professor. Not only did he wning a 401(k) plan is a good friend, press two. If you’re my O flunk the primer course, but idea—unless you worked for daughter who never calls, press on his first project, when he WorldCom. Much of its stock has 911 because the shock will proba¬ asked the machine simply been declared worthless. There’s a bly give me a heart attack.” to separate the names of lawsuit in progress that’s trying to - SUSAN STARACE BALDUCCI students by sex, the cards recoup some money for employees. came out in three stacks. At the litigation website, I I realized the impact of com¬ - AMOS MELTON found a number to call for more puters on my young son one information. My hopes for a evening when there was a dramatic speedy resolution were dashed, sunset. Pointing to the western however, when after dialing, I sky, David said, “I wish we could heard, “700 Club Prayer Line. click and save that.” How may I help you?” - THERESA KLEIN

- ROBERT BEATTY

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery. “I’d like to order a large pepperoni, please,” I said, then gave him the address of our condominium. “We’ll be there in about half an hour,” the kid at the other end replied. “Your gate code is still 1238, right?”

- MARY MCCUSKER

19 “Hi, I’m from your alumni association.” Life in These Times

My friend is notorious for “Look, honey,” said the wife to when a cell phone rang. A woman waiting until the needle is her husband. “He went to the answered it, and for the next few on empty before filling his gas same repair school as you.” minutes, she explained to her tank. Finally his car died on him, - WILLIAM W. OLLER caller in intimate detail her symp¬ and we had to push it to the near¬ toms and what she suspected est filling station. After my friend was with a friend in a cafe might be wrong. finished pumping gas, the atten¬ when a noisy car alarm inter¬ Suddenly the conversation dant asked if he had learned rupted our conversation. “What shifted, and the woman said, anything. good are car alarms when no one “Him? That’s over.” Then she “Yeah,” my friend muttered, pays any attention to them?” I added, “Can we talk about this “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.” wondered aloud. later? It’s rather personal, and I’m - EDWARD HYATT “Some are quite effective,” my in a room full of people.” friend corrected me. “Last sum¬ - ALAN ROBERTS I couldn’t decide whether to go mer, my teenager spent a lot of to Salt Lake City or Denver for time at the neighbors’. Whenever vacation, so I called the airlines to I wanted him home, I’d go out to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is our driveway and jostle his car.” $300,” the cheery salesperson - SHEILA MOORE replied. Opening the box “And what about Salt Lake City?” My husband, a computer- containing my new “We have a really great rate to systems trouble-shooter, Salt Lake—$99,” she said. “But rode with me in my new car one portable television, there is a stopover.” afternoon. He had been working “Where?” on a customer’s computer all I removed the remote “In Denver,” she said. morning and was still tense from and turned it over - CHRIS LEWIS the session. When I stopped for a traffic light, I made sure to leave a to install the As an engineer in an upscale safe distance from the stop line hotel, I was asked to repair or to keep oncoming drivers from batteries. Molded replace the television in a guest hitting the car. into the device was room. When I arrived, the couple I couldn’t help but laugh when was watching a picture one-third my husband impatiently waved at this message: the size of the screen. I knew all me to move the car forward while our spare sets were in use, so I saying, “Scroll up, honey.” "Made in figured what the heck: I struck - GEORGIA M. HARVEY Indonesia—Not the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. The picture returned My wife was in her gynecolo¬ Dishwasher Safe." to full size. gist’s busy waiting room - MARVIN WIER

21 In this battle of wits with kitchen appliances...

J’"Toast- BY DAVE BARRY

ecently the Washington would go to the office to start it? if we’re out of milk: we ask our Post printed an article Would there be some kind of wife. What we could use is a T3 explaining how the career benefit? refrigerator that refuses to let us Iv ppliance manufactur¬ YOUR BOSS: “What are you open its door when it senses that ers plan to drive consumers doing?” we are about to consume our insane. YOU (tapping computer key¬ fourth pudding snack in two Of course they don’t SAY they board): “I’m starting my hours. want to drive us insane. What dishwasher!” As for a scale that transmits our they SAY they want to do is have YOUR BOSS: “That’s the kind weight to the gym: Are they us live in homes where “all appli¬ of productivity we need around NUTS? We don’t want our weight ances are on the Internet, sharing here!” transmitted to our own EYE¬ information” and appliances will YOU: “Now I’m flushing the BALLS! What if the gym be “smarter than most of their upstairs toilet!” transmitted our weight to all owners.” For example, the article Listen, appliance manufactur¬ these other appliances on the states, you would have a home ers: We don’t NEED a dishwasher Internet? What if, God forbid, our where the dishwasher “can be that we can communicate with refrigerator found out our weight? turned on from the office,” the from afar. If you want to improve We’d never get the door open refrigerator “knows when it’s our dishwashers, give us one that again! out of milk,” and the bathroom senses when people leave dirty But here is what really concerns scale “transmits your weight to dishes on the kitchen counter and me about these new “smart” the gym.” shouts, “Put those dishes in the appliances: Even if we like the I frankly wonder whether the dishwasher right now or I’ll leak features, we won’t be able to use appliance manufacturers, with all all over your shoes!” them. We can’t use the appliance due respect, have been smoking Likewise, we don’t need a features we have NOW. I have a crack. I mean, did they ever stop refrigerator that knows when it’s feature-packed telephone with to ask themselves WHY a con¬ out of milk. We already have a 43 buttons, at least 20 of which sumer, after loading a dishwasher, foolproof system for determining I am afraid to touch. This phone 0

probably can communicate with turn on the dishwasher. It has Monitoring feature, enter the the dead, but I don’t know how to been, literally, years since I have Command mode, then select the operate it, just as I don’t know successfully recorded a TV show. Edit function, then select Change how to operate my TV, which has That is how “smart” my appli¬ Vegetable Defaults, then assume features out the wazooty and ances have become. that Train A leaves Chicago trav¬ requires THREE remote controls. And now the appliance manu¬ eling westbound at 47 m.p.h., One control (44 buttons) came facturers want to give us MORE while Train B...”) with the TV; a second (39 but¬ features. Do you know what this Is this the kind of future you tons) came with the VCR; the means? It means that some night want, consumers? Do you want third (37 buttons) was brought you’ll open your “smart” refriger¬ appliances that are smarter than here by the cable-TV man, who ator, looking for a beer, and you’ll you? Of course not. apparently felt that I did not have hear a cheerful recorded voice— Your appliances should be enough buttons. the same woman who informs DUMBER than you, just like So when I want to watch TV, you that Your Call Is Important your furniture, your pets and Em confronted with a total of when you phone a business that your representatives in Congress. 120 buttons, identified by such does not wish to speak with you So I am urging you to let the helpful labels as PIP, MTS, DBS personally—telling you, “Your appliance industry know that and JUMP. There are three but¬ celery is limp.” You will not know when it comes to “smart” appli¬ tons labeled POWER, but there how your refrigerator knows this, ances, you vote NO. You need to are times—especially if my son and, what is worse, you will not act quickly. Because while you’re and his friends, who are not afraid know who else your refrigerator reading this, your microwave of features, have changed the set¬ is telling about it. oven is voting YES. ▲ tings—when I cannot figure out But if you want to make the how to turn the TV on. I stand refrigerator stop, you’ll have to there, holding three remote con¬ decipher an owner’s manual writ¬ trols, pressing buttons at random, ten by nuclear physicists. (“To until eventually I give up and go disable the Produce Crispness

23 Jesus and Satan were arguing I feel inadequate when talking over who was better with com¬ with a mechanic, so when my puters. Finally God suggested L-OOK.eo! THIS contains vehicle started making a strange they settle it: Each would spend No fAT, TRANSFAT, noise, I sought help from a friend. two hours using spreadsheets, $00\ut*\, cHocejttercl., He drove the car around the designing web pages, making SUCAR, cARBS, CAFFEINE, block, listened carefully, then told charts and tables—everything me how to explain the difficulty they knew how to do. when I took it in for repair. The two sat down at their key¬ At the shop I proudly recited, boards and began typing “The timing is off, and there are furiously. Just before the two premature detonations, which hours were up, a thunderstorm may damage the valves.” knocked the power out. Once it As I smugly glanced over the came back on, they booted up mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him WHEAT, NITRATES — their computers. write on his clipboard “Lady says “It’s gone! It’s all gone!” Satan WELL WHAT DOES it makes a funny noise.” began to scream. “My work was IT CONTAIN? - KATE KELLOGG destroyed!” Meanwhile, Jesus began quietly My family has a tradition of printing out his work. “Hey, he naming the cruise control must have cheated!” Satan yelled. on our cars. We were used to “How come his stuff wasn’t lost?” hearing my father proclaim, “Take God shrugged and said simply, it, Max,” as he flipped on the “Jesus saves.” cruise control during long trips in - LAURA MASON our station wagon. NOTHiNGl Recently, I was traveling with Shortly after I had my car my parents in their new car when repaired, the mechanic who we hit a wide-open expanse of fixed it asked me to bring it back. highway. My dad leaned back and I watched as he opened the hood said, “I think I’ll let Tom drive for and removed a tool he had left a while.” behind. In a conspiratorial voice I “Tom who?” I asked. said, “If you were a surgeon, I’d My mother translated for me: sue for malpractice.” “Tom Cruise, of course.”

“Yeah, but if I was a surgeon,” - DANA MARGULIES he replied, “I’d charge you for having to go back in.”

- JEANIE LOVELADY

24 Life in These Times

After shopping at a busy store, My 50-something friend The speaker at my bank’s another woman and I hap¬ Nancy and I decided to drive-through window had pened to leave at the same time, introduce her mother to the been broken for weeks, and we only to be faced with the daunting magic of the Internet. Our first tellers had to resort to miming or task of finding our cars in the move was to access the popular writing notes to communicate crowded parking lot. Just then my “Ask Jeeves” site, and we told with our frustrated customers. car horn beeped, and I was able to her it could answer any question One day a sweet elderly lady locate my vehicle easily. she had. whom I would see every week “Wow,” the woman said. “I sure Nancy’s mother was very skep¬ pulled up to the window, leaned could use a gadget like that to tical until Nancy said, “It’s true, out of her car and smacked the help me find my car.” Mom. Think of something to glass in front of my face. “Actually,” I replied, “that’s my ask it.” “Hope this is bulletproof,” she husband.” As I sat with fingers poised over yelled.

- KATHY BEHRENBRINKER the keyboard, Nancy’s mother There had just been a robbery thought a minute, then responded, at another bank nearby, so I was “How is Aunt Helen feeling?” touched by her concern. “It is,” I

- CATHERINE BURNS yelled back. “Good,” she continued, “because someone is going to shoot you if you don’t get that speaker fixed.”

- SARAH BANAKOWSKI r Timeless Humor from the m Students at Iowa State University proved once and for all that the computer just can't replace human calcula¬ tions. They held an “IBM mixer" dance, where each student fed his vital statistics and interests into a computer and was then paired off with a member of the opposite sex who, the computer said, was most suited to him. Imagine the chagrin of one coed who ended up with her twin brother. “I’ve figured out how to send e-mails and faxes, - JIM CHAMPION take photos, play games, and film videos, but what I’d really like to do is make a phone call.”

25 My sister Darlene has the Bill Gates and the presi¬ courage—but not always the dent of General Motors skills—to tackle any home-repair were having lunch. Gates project. For example, in her boasted of the innovations garage are pieces of a lawn mower his company had made. “If she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t GM had kept up with tech¬ surprised the day my other sister, nology the way Microsoft Jesse, and I found Darlene attack¬ has, we’d all be driving $25 ing her vacuum cleaner with a cars that get 1,000 m.p.g.” screwdriver. “I suppose that’s true,” the “I can’t get this thing to cooper¬ GM exec agreed. “But would ate,” she explained. you really want your car to “Why don’t you drag it out to crash twice a day?” the garage and show it the lawn mower?” Jesse suggested. My husband works for a - JUDEE NORTON high-tech company that uses a sophisticated “That sounds expensive. Is there any way you could ship it without handling it?” After our parents robotic mail-delivery system. retired, they moved from The robot makes mail stops a busy city in Rhode by following a clear painted line on the hallway floor. Recently the down on your say-so. How do you Island to a small town in line had to be recharged by apply¬ know that’s the problem?” Maine. We didn't realize ing special paint. While it was “A student told me,” I answered. how small the town was drying, signs were posted warn¬ “We’ll send someone over ing, “Please don’t step on the right away.” until my sister visited invisible line.” - ROLF EKLUND the local video store. - JOELLEN BADIK She selected a movie My wife and I get along just The computer in my high great—except she’s a back¬ and told the clerk that school classroom recently seat driver second to none. On my she was going to rent started acting up. After watching way home from work one day, my the cassette under her me struggle with it, one of my stu¬ cell phone rang as I merged onto dents took over. “Your hard drive a freeway bypass. It was my wife. parents' name. crashed,” he said. By chance, she had entered the The clerk looked at the I called the computer services bypass right behind me. office and explained, “My com¬ “Honey,” she said, “your turn title and replied, "They puter is down. The hard drive signal is still on. And put your already saw that one." crashed.” lights on—it’s starting to rain.”

- THERESA COUTCHER SOKOLOWSKI “We can’t just send people - WAYNE RAY HAIRSTON Life in These Times

Heard on my cable company’s answering machine: "We realize you are Still holding. Please do not hang up, as this will further delay your call.”

- EDGAR NENTWIG

A helicopter was flying toward To keep their active two-year- Our office building’s only ele¬ Seattle when an electrical old from roaming onto the vator was acting up. When I malfunction disabled all of the busy street in front of their home, rode it to the lobby on my way to aircraft’s navigation and commu¬ my sister and brother-in-law lunch, the door refused to open. nications equipment. Due to the decided to put a gate across the Trying not to panic, I hit the extreme haze that day, the pilot driveway. After working over two emergency button, which triggers now had no way of determining weekends on the project, Robert an automatic call to the repair the course to the airport. All he was ready to attach the lock to service. could make out was a tall building complete the job. He was working Through the speaker in the nearby, so he moved closer to it, on the yard side of the gate, with elevator, I heard the call going quickly wrote out a large sign his daughter nearby, when he through and then a recorded reading “Where am I?” and held it dropped the screwdriver he was announcement: “The area code in the chopper’s window. using and it rolled under the gate, of the number you dialed has Responding quickly, the people out of his reach. been changed. The new area in the building penned a large “I’ll get it, Daddy,” Lauren code is 810. Please hang up and sign of their own. It read: “You are called, nimbly crawling under the dial again.” in a helicopter.” newly erected barrier. - DIANE MASTRANTONIO The pilot smiled, and within - JANICE DECOSTE minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position. “I knew it had to be the Microsoft building,” the pilot replied, “because like any com¬ puter company’s help staff, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

- LINDA A. TOZER

27 Over the years I have heard my My wife’s car horn Beethoven pieces when an admin¬ share of strange questions istrative assistant stopped by to and silly comments from people began to beep in cold deliver a stack of papers. who call the computer software weather and would Hearing classical music filling company where I work as a tech the air, she stopped and support telephone operator. But only stop when she exclaimed, “Poor you. They put one day I realized how absurd disconnected it. So she you on hold?” things can sound on the other end - KEITH BRINTON of the line when I heard myself disabled the horn and say to one caller, “Yes, sir, you drove to the dealership, I thought I had finally found a must first upgrade your download way to convince Susan, my software in order to download our whose garage had its continually harried friend, that upgrade software.” door shut to keep out she needed to find ways to relax. - CARLOS MEJIA I invited her to dinner and, while the cold. Outside was I was busy cooking, she agreed to As a promotional gimmick for a sign: “Honk horn watch my videotape on stress my restaurant, I send out management and relaxation tech¬ coupons offering people a free for service.” niques. Fifteen minutes later, she dinner on their birthdays. One came into the kitchen and handed Jeff Romanczuk day an anxious-sounding man me the tape. called. “I got your card. How did “But it’s a 70-minute video,” you find me?” I replied. “You couldn’t have “From a mailing list I purchased watched the whole thing.” from a supplier,” I told him. “Yes, I did,” Susan assured me. “Why?” “I put it on fast-forward.”

“It used my real name, and I’m - JEAN KELLY in the Witness Protection Program. What’s the name of the co-worker asked if I knew company?” what to do about a computer I didn’t want to say it, but I problem that was preventing her had to tell him the truth: Moving from getting e-mail. After calling Targets. the help desk, I told my colleague - ROY HARRINGTON that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus. I was delighted to discover that I “It’s a variant of the I Love You could play compact discs in the virus, only worse,” I said. new computer my company had “What could be worse?” my sin¬ given me. One morning I was gle co-worker asked wryly. “The enjoying one of my favorite Let’s Just Be Friends virus?”

- ARTHUR J. ORCHEL

Roombas ^ BY MARY

I have always wanted and not a friend”...“I’m planting flowers off the nightstand and onto the wanted a cleaning person. in the garden.” The point is that floor. “Maybe Reba needs to make On the one hand, I want you can go out and “enjoy life” a call,” said Ed. very much for someone else while your robot cleans up the I couldn’t, in all fairness, be to clean our house, as neither I conspicuous chunks strewn annoyed, as I’m the sort of person nor my husband, Ed, has shown about your living room floor, no who gets up to go to the bathroom any aptitude for it. On the other doubt rubble tracked in from the on airplanes without first unplug¬ hand, I’d feel guilty inflicting such garden plot. ging my headphones. Only the distasteful drudgery on another Roomba joined our family last fact that my head is attached to human being. No one but me, for week. Right away I changed the my neck prevents it from being instance, should have to clean up name to Reba, in order to indulge yanked off onto the floor. Also, it the dental floss heaped like my fantasy of having a real clean¬ tells you right there in the Owner’s spaghetti near the wastebasket ing person, yet still respect its Manual to “pick up objects like where I toss it each night, never incredibly dumb-sounding given clothing, loose papers...power catching on that floss is not some¬ name. As techno-gadgets go, the cords...just as you would before thing that can be thrown with a iRobot vacuum is surprisingly using a regular vacuum cleaner.” high degree of accuracy. simple to use. All you do, beyond This poses something of a prob¬ You can imagine my joy upon switching it on, is tell it the room lem in our house. The corners reading that the iRobot company size. This I calculated in my usual and the floor space along the of Somerville, Mass., has invented manner, by picturing six-foot guys walls and under the furniture in a robotic vacuum. They call it lying end-to-end along the walls the office, for instance, are filled Roomba. Their website plays an and multiplying accordingly. with stacks and bags of what I call animated clip of what appears to I started Reba off in the bed¬ Ed’s desk runoff. My husband is a be an enlarged CD Walkman room. I was on my way out the man who does not easily throw scooting across a living room car¬ door to enjoy life, when I heard a things away. Whatever he gets in pet, sucking up conspicuous crash. My vacuuming robot had the mail or empties from his chunks of unidentified detritus. tangled itself up in the telephone pockets he simply deposits on the Meanwhile, sentences run across cord and then headed off in the nearest horizontal surface. the screen: “I’m having lunch with other direction, pulling the phone Once a week, like the neighbor- hood garbage truck, I collect Ed’s The bathroom promised to be can’t find help like that. discards and throw them onto a less problematic. I lifted the ham¬ The living room was a similar vast, heaping landfill located on per into the tub and put the success. Reba does housework his desk. At a certain point, deter¬ bathroom scale in the sink, where much the way I do, busily clean¬ mined by the angle of the slope it looked as though maybe it ing in one spot for a while and and the savagery of my throws, wanted a bath, or maybe it had a then wandering off inexplicably in the pile will begin to slide. This is date with a vacuum cleaner. the opposite direction and getting Ed’s cue to shovel a portion of it Then I went into the bedroom distracted by something else that into a shopping bag, which he to fetch Reba, who was at that needs doing. The iRobot people then puts on the floor somewhere moment engaged in a shoving call this an “algorithm-based with the intent to go through it match with one of my Birken- cleaning pattern,” a term I will use later, later here meaning “never.” stocks. She had pushed the shoe the next time Ed catches me pol¬ I looked at the floor in our across the room and under the ishing silver with the mop water office. There were newspapers, bed, well into the zone of no-reach. evaporating in the other room. piles of files, socks, pens, not to “Good one,” said Ed, who has Halfway across the living room mention the big guys lying along always harbored ill will toward carpet, Reba stopped moving and the floorboards. Picking it all up comfort footwear for women. began emitting undelighted noises. to clear the way for Reba would I set Reba down and aimed her Ed leafed through the trouble¬ take half an hour, which is more at the crud-paved crawlspace shooting guide. time than I normally spend vacu¬ beneath the footed bathtub. I have “It’s a Whimper Beep,” he said, uming. It was the same sort of tried this with Ed and various of employing the concerned bari¬ situation that has kept me from my stepdaughters, but it always tone that used to announce the ever hiring an assistant. fails to produce the desired effect. Heartbreak of Psoriasis as though It would take longer to explain The wondrous Reba was not it were the Cuban Missile Crisis. I my filing system to someone else only willing but actually enthusi¬ turned Reba over. Wound around (“Okay, takeout menus and impor¬ astic about the prospect, motoring her brushes was a two-foot strand tant contracts go in the orange full bore across the tile and under of dental floss. Apparently even folder labeled ‘Bees’...”) than it the tub and whacking her fore¬ robots have their limits. ▲ would to do the chore myself. head on the far wall. You just

31 Our family took shelter in the If you pay your installments on -Timeless Humor from the ^ < basement after hearing a tor¬ time, there is nothing in there that A solar-powered computer nado warning. My husband told could harm you. Should you stop wristwatch, which is pro¬ everyone to stay put while he got paying, however, there is definitely grammed to tell the time and his cell phone out of the car, in nothing in the small print that can date for 125 years, has a case the lines went dead. save you.” guarantee—for two years. He didn’t return for the longest - MILLORAD DEVIAK An IBM exhibit in New York time, so I went looking for him. I City portrayed the advance¬ was upstairs calling his name, My five children and I were ment in technology of statistical and calculating when I heard our phone machine playing hide-and-seek one machines from the abacus to click on. evening. With the lights turned the computer. After complet¬ “Hi,” a voice said. “This is Dad. off in the house, the kids scattered ing the tour, I stopped at the I’m locked out of the house.” to hide, and I was “it.” After a few reception desk to ask a ques¬ - LAURE JORGES minutes I located all of them. tion. There, a distinguished When it was my turn to hide, they elderly gentleman was keep¬ During the mortgage closing searched high and low but could ing track of the number of on our summer house, my not find me. visitors in the old tried-and- true method of drawing tBk wife and I were asked to sign doc¬ Finally one of my sons got a tHTon a sheet of paper. uments containing small print. bright idea. He went to the phone - EMIL L. BIRNBAUM When I asked if I should read it, and dialed; they found me imme¬ my attorney replied, “Legally, you diately because my pager started should. But here’s the bottom line: beeping.

- LELAND JENSEN You put a bunch of adults together and tell tne to get something meaningful accomplished, and f< some reason, it often turns out pretty funn “We’re considering outsourcing your job. Could you explain to this guy in Guatemala whatever it is you do around here?” All in a Day's Work

As an airline reservation agent, he generation gap proved My fellow teacher called for I took a call from a man who glaringly obvious at the mail¬ help—she needed someone wanted to book a flight for two order music company where my who knew about animals. As a but wasn’t happy with the price of wife works as a customer service science teacher, I filled the bill. $59 per ticket. “I want the $49 fare representative. Some college “Oh,” she added, “bring a net.” I saw advertised,” he insisted, say¬ students, who were working part- Expecting to find some kind of ing he would accept a flight at any time inputting customer informa¬ beast as I entered her classroom, time. I managed to find two seats tion, wrote the following notes I was greeted instead by the sight on a 6 a.m. flight. “I’ll take it,” he regarding some golden oldies: of excited kids watching a hum¬ said, then worried his wife might “Customer is looking for two song mingbird fly around. Rather than not like the early hour. I warned titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ use the net, I suggested they hang there was a $25 fee per person if and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.’ ” red paper by an open door. The he changed the reservation. “Oh, - JOHN CASARES bird would be drawn to it, I that’s no problem,” he said dis- explained, and eventually fly out. missively. “What’s fifty bucks?” Pulling into my service station Later, the teacher called back. - ANNA ZOGG 45 minutes late one morning, The trick worked. “Now,” she I shouted to the customers, “I’ll said, “we have two hummingbirds I hate the idea of going under turn the pumps on right away!” flying around the room.” the knife. So I was very upset What I didn’t know was that the - RAY POELLET when the doctor told me I needed night crew had left them on all a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse night. By the time I got to the Most people would be angry if and I were filling out an admis¬ office, most of the cars had filled their company was bought sion form. I tried to respond to up and driven off. Only one cus¬ and the new owners replaced the questions, but I was so nerv¬ tomer stayed to pay. My heart them with their own people. Not ous I couldn’t speak. The nurse sank. Then the customer pulled a our neighbor Andy. “You know put down the form, took my wad of cash from his pocket and how it goes,” he said, waxing hands in hers and said, “Don’t handed it to me. philosophical. “Every circus worry. This medical problem can “We kept passing the money to brings its own clowns.” easily be fixed, and it’s not a dan¬ the last guy,” he said. “We figured - CHRIS GULLEN gerous procedure.” you’d get here sooner or later.” “You’re right. I’m being silly,” - JIM NOVAK I said, feeling relieved. “Please continue.” a> OjO “Good. Now,” the nurse went TO Noted at the bottom of a receipt for funeral 3 on, “do you have a living will?” m arrangements: £ - EDWARD LEE GRIFFIN _ro “Thank you. Please come again”

£ Dfl - CARMELA A. HENRIQUEZ ‘vi

35 Everyone at the company I Bad weather meant I was stuck worked for dressed up for overnight at O’Hare airport Halloween. One fellow’s costume in Chicago. Along with hotel stumped us. He simply wore accommodations, the airline slacks and a white T-shirt with a issued each passenger a $10 meal large 98.6 printed across the front ticket, or “chit.” That evening in glitter. When someone finally after dinner I presented my meal asked what he was supposed to ticket to the cashier. be, he replied, “I’m a temp.” “Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.

- BRIAN DAVIS Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. I’m dyslexic, and attended a con¬ Was the meal that bad?” ference about the disorder with - HARRY ANDREWS a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with Working as a secretary at an the group. I told them stress aggra¬ international airport, my vates my condition, in which I sister had an office adjacent to the reverse words and letters when I’m I was on duty as an emergency- room where security temporarily tense. When I finished speaking, room technician when a father holds suspects. One day security my friend leaned over and whis¬ brought in his son, who had poked officers were questioning a man pered to me, “Now I know why you a tire from one of his toy trucks up when they were suddenly called named your daughter Hannah.” his nose. The man was embar¬ away on another emergency. To - CHARLES JEHLEN rassed, but I assured him this was the horror of my sister and her something kids often do. I quickly colleagues, the man was left alone My husband and I are removed the tire and they were on in the unlocked room. After a few their way. A few minutes later, the minutes, the door opened and he both in an Internet father was back in the ER asking to began to walk out. business, but he's the talk to me in private. Summoning up her courage, one one who truly lives, eats Mystified, I led him to an exam¬ of the secretaries barked, “Get ining room. “While we were on back in there, and don’t you come and breathes computers. our way home,” he began, “I was out until you’re told!” The man I finally realized how bad looking at that little tire and won¬ scuttled back inside and slammed it had gotten when I was dering, how on earth did my son the door. When the security people get this thing stuck up his nose returned, the women reported scratching his back one and...” what had happened. Without a day. "No, not there," he It took just a few seconds to get word, an officer walked into the the tire out of Dad’s nose. room and released one very directed. "Scroll down." - LEAH BEACK frightened telephone repairman. - CHRISTINE AYM AN - RUSS PERMAN

36 All in a Day's Work

Touring Ireland’s countryside in the key of B flat, so I use it to -Timeless Humor from the 50’: with a group of travel writers, tune my cello a half-tone lower.” When a fellow piano tuner we passed an immaculate cemetery - KATHLEEN CAHILL was ill, I took over his assign¬ with hundreds of beautiful head¬ ment of tuning a piano in a stones set in a field of emerald The 104-year-old building that girls’ boardinghouse. While I green grass. Everyone reached for had served as the priory and was at work, several of the their cameras when the tour primary student residence of the girls strolled casually through guide said the inventor of the small Catholic university where I the room in various states of crossword puzzle was buried work was about to be demolished. undress. The climax came when a young lady in startling there. He pointed out the location, As the wrecker’s ball began to deshabille appeared to pay “Three down and four across.” strike, I sensed the anxiety and the bill. - STEVE BAUER sadness experienced by one of the As I was writing the receipt, older monks whose order had she suddenly gave me a One of my friends, a musician, founded the college. “This must be bewildered look, then fled, is always upbeat. Nothing difficult to watch, Father,” I said. screaming, “That’s not our gets her down. But when she “The tradition associated with regular man!” Their regular man is blind. developed ringing in one ear, I that building, the memories of all - ALEX BYRNES was concerned it might over¬ the students and monks who lived whelm even her. When I asked if and worked there. I can’t imagine her condition was especially how hard this must be for you.” annoying to a musician, she shook “It’s worse than that,” the monk Some of my co-workers and I her head. “Not really,” she said replied. “I think I left my Palm decided to remove the small, cheerfully. “The ringing sound is Pilot in there.” wooden suggestion box from our

- P. J. BROZYNSK! office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a seven-foot-high metal storage cabinet and then promptly forgot about it. Months later, when the box was moved during remod¬ eling, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read, “Lower the box!”

- TRANK J. MONACO

“Ah, the arbitration team is here.”

37 Each year our company holds a Parents are justifiably upset training session in the confer¬ when their children don’t get ence room of the same hotel. The company into the college of their choice. When we were told we would not where I work As an admissions counselor for a be able to reserve our usual loca¬ state university, I took a call from tion, my secretary, Gail, spent provides four-foot- an irate mother demanding to many hours on the phone trying high cubicles so each know why her daughter had been to work out alternative arrange¬ turned down. Avoiding any men¬ ments. Finally, when the details employee can have tion of the transcript full of D’s, were ironed out, she burst into I explained that her daughter just my office. some privacy. One wasn’t as “competitive” as the “Great news, Scott!” she day a co-worker had admitted class. “Why doesn’t she announced. “We’re getting our try another school for a year and regular room at the hotel!” an exasperating then transfer?” I suggested. All eyes were on Gail and me “Another school!” exclaimed as she suddenly realized she phone conversation Mom. “FJave you seen her grades?” had interrupted a meeting with with one of her - SHAIONDA DEGRAFFINRIED co-workers. - SCOTT DUINK teenage sons. After I was working as a short-order hanging up, she cook at two restaurants in the A friend and I used to run a same neighborhood. On a Saturday small temporary-staffing heaved a sigh and night, I was finishing up the dinner service. Our agency did manda¬ shift at one restaurant and hurrying tory background checks on all job said, “No one ever to report to work at the second candidates, even though our place. But I was delayed because application form asked them if listens to me.” one table kept sending back an they’d ever been convicted of a order of hash browns, insisting crime. One day after a round of Immediately, they were too cold. I replaced interviews, my co-worker was them several times, but still the entering information from a several voices from customers were dissatisfied. young man’s application into surrounding When I was able to leave, I raced the computer. out the door and arrived at my She called me over to show cubicles called out, second job. A server immediately me that he had noted a previous handed me my first order. “Make conviction for second-degree “Yes, we do.” sure these hash browns are hot,” manslaughter. Below that, on the she said, “because these people just line listing his skills, he had Jo Jaimeson left a restaurant down the street written, “Good with people.” that kept serving them cold ones.”

- JANA RAHRIG - BILL BERGQUIST

38

No WoodenN ickels ►>BY DONALD R. NICHOLS

In my former position as “Because you’re recalling them.” floor and climb back into the director of corporate com¬ “We’re not. If we wanted pen¬ press. The press would have to munication for the U.S. nies out of circulation, we’d just malfunction at exactly the same Mint in Washington, I field¬ stop making them.” time as it did the first go-round, ed a lot of calls from the public. “They wouldn’t let you.” when it left one side of the dime The job convinced me that what “But they’d let us pay $250 for a blank, and again hit this one dime people do believe is as odd as penny? Would you pay $250 for a only on the blank side. It took a what they don’t. penny?” good 15 minutes to explain all this. Several years ago the Mint in “Of course not.” Then the clinch¬ There followed the long silence Philadelphia had a loose hub in er: “But you’re the government.” I had come to know excruciating¬ dies that strike pennies, and coins ly well in my job. “Oooookaaay,” with double-struck profiles of » Reality Check the woman said, slowly, medita¬ Lincoln escaped quality control One afternoon a woman phoned tively stretching her vowels. “So into circulation. Error coins are from a local Army base, identify¬ what you’re saying is, there’s a an incredible event in numismat¬ ing herself as Specialist so-and-so chance it could be real.” ics, particularly when they’re first and declaring she had a dime with discovered and no one knows the customary profile of FDR on In God We Trust how many there are. These both its heads and tails. Private “Sir? I’m in West Virginia.” The double-die pennies were going mints produce such coins for woman’s voice was thin, weak, for $250 apiece. tokens at carnivals and the like; hesitant, intimidated. “I heard That’s when a school principal they look legitimate enough that about some pennies that are in Kansas announced over the some get into circulation. worth something. And I think I loudspeaker that the Mint was The soldier asked if her dime have one.” Right away I thought, recalling pennies and would pay was real. I explained to her what this woman can’t afford this call. $250 for each one. Hundreds of would have to happen for this I offered to call her back. people phoned my office. A rep¬ coin to be from the U.S. Mint. At “You’d call back for sure?” resentative conversation went the end of the manufacturing she said. like this: process, this coin would have to I assured her I would. When “The Mint makes pennies. Why escape a bag sewn shut, roll the I reached her I asked her to would we buy them?” entire length of the production describe the penny, asked if The $250 penny and other heads and tales from the Mint

Lincoln had two noses and chins It was time once again to tell Silence. and whether the words In God someone the Mint does not “If you send us this coin and it’s We Trust looked like they were authenticate coins as a guarantor one you’re not supposed to have, stamped twice on top of each for private commercial transac¬ we’ll have to confiscate it,” I other. She said, “You maybe could tions, but blurting that straight warned him. say that.” out seemed abrupt, too much the More and deeper silence. “Well, that sounds like the knee-jerk response of a naysaying “Let me try to sum up here. You penny I’ve been hearing about,” bureaucrat. So I asked him what don’t want to tell me your name, I told her. coin he’d bought. you don’t want to tell me what “You don’t know what it would He didn’t want to tell me. That coin you bought and you don’t mean to us,” she said. “Times are was a clue he’d bought a coin he want to tell me where. So basical¬ so hard since the last mine shut wasn’t supposed to have, likely a ly you’d like to hold this coin up down. What do you think maybe 1933 Double Eagle gold coin. The to the phone and have me tell you it’s worth?” government at that time required it’s real. Correct?” I told her where to take it to get Americans to surrender their gold To his credit, the man laughed. it appraised. She thanked me, the coins for cash, which theoretically Collectors do not, in my experi¬ first time that had happened in a would be spent, stimulating the ence, have a great capacity for couple of weeks, and I hung up. economy. Double Eagle gold coins laughing at themselves. He said The phone rang with my hand still from 1933 are valuable—middle- goodbye pleasantly. on the receiver. Before answering, six-figures valuable—and are The U.S. Mint makes tens of I said a prayer: “God, please let literally sold under the counter billions of coins a year, and some¬ this woman have just one of those because it’s still illegal to own times I felt that eventually, one damned double-die pennies.” them. way or another, if I worked there When I told the caller he long enough, I’d talk ^ _ o (7 Sight Unseen shouldn’t worry if he’d bought the to somebody about A phone-caller had bought a coin coin from a reputable dealer, he every one and was suffering post-purchase said he’d rather not say where he of them. ▲ doubts. The Mint had “an oppor¬ had bought it. tunity to reassure me”-—his “And I noticed you haven’t told phrase—by examining the coin. me your name, either,” I said.

41 On duty as a cus¬ y father is a tomer-service skilled CPA who representative for a is not great at self-pro¬ car-rental company, motion. So when an I took a call from a advertising salesman driver who needed a offered to put my tow. He was stranded father’s business plac¬ on a busy highway, ard in the shopping but he didn’t know carts of a supermarket, the make of the car he my dad jumped at the was driving. I asked chance. Fully a year again for a more went by before we got detailed description, a call that could be beyond “a nice blue traced to those plac¬ four-door.” ards. “Richard Larson, After a long pause, CPA?” the caller asked. the driver replied, “My “That’s right,” my father car is the one on fire.” answered. “May I help you?”

- DAEMIEN O’KEEFFE “Yes,” the voice said. “One of Hospital regulations require a your shopping carts is in my yard Ever wonder what medical wheelchair for patients being and I want you to come and get it.” personnel scribble on those discharged. However, while work¬ - MATTHEW LARSON clipboards attached to the foot of ing as a student nurse, I found the bed? Here are some incredible one elderly gentleman already During a business trip to comments taken from hospital dressed and sitting on the bed Boeing’s Everett, Wash., charts: with a suitcase at his feet—who factory, I noticed several 747 and “The patient refused autopsy.” insisted he didn’t need my help to 777 airliners being assembled. “The patient has no previous leave the hospital. After a chat Before the engines were installed, history of suicides.” about rules being rules, he reluc¬ huge weights were hung from “She has had no rigors or shak¬ tantly let me wheel him to the the wings to keep the planes ing chills, but her husband states elevator. balanced. The solid-steel weights she was very hot in bed last night.” On the way down I asked if his were bright yellow and marked “She is numb from her toes wife was meeting him. “I don’t “14,000 lbs.” But what I found down.” know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs particularly interesting was some “Patient has two teenage chil¬ in the bathroom changing out of stenciling I discovered on the dren but no other abnormalities.” her hospital gown.” side of each weight. Imprinted “Discharge status: Alive but - PATSY R. DANCEY there was the warning: “Remove without my permission.” before flight.”

- WILLIAM D. J. MURPHY - KEVIN N. HAW

42 All in a Day’s Work

Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company's website with the following words underneath: "Updated daily."

- DIANNE STEVENS

A Catholic priest I once knew I’m a police officer and occa¬ to budge. After a while I decided went to the hospital to visit sionally park my cruiser in to move to another location. I patients. Stopping at the nurses residential areas to watch for pulled out of the driveway, looked station, he carefully looked over speeders. One Sunday morning back and learned the reason for the patient roster and jotted down I was staked out in a driveway, the dog’s stubbornness. He quick¬ the room number of everyone when I saw a large dog trot up to ly picked up the newspaper I had who had “Cath” written boldly my car. He stopped and sat just been parked on and dutifully ran next to his name. That, he told out of arm’s reach. No matter how back to his master. me, was a big mistake. much I tried to coax him to come - JEFF WALL When I asked why, he replied, for a pat on the head, he refused “It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters.”

- DENNIS SMYTH

I was halfway through a meeting with a photocopy salesman, when he suddenly mentioned his wife and children, and how con¬ tented he was. I was puzzled, but let him continue. It was only when I glanced down that I understood his reason for impart¬ ing this personal information: The table leg against which I had been rubbing my itchy foot wasn’t a table leg at all!

- EILEEN GASKIN

“Since my office went business casual, I’ve been having this identity crisis. I mean, am I still a suit?”

43 one from a university physics department at a reception. When I asked him what his field was, he answered, “I work with semicon¬ ductors.” “So do we,” I heard a colleague mutter.

- BERNARD GOLDSTEIN

During the latter stages of my pregnancy, I brought a cush¬ ion to work to make my chair more comfortable. One afternoon I returned from lunch to find my chair had been pushed to the far side of my work area. “Looks like someone’s been “I want to try something, Caruthers— sitting in my chair,” I commented come at me like you’re asking for a raise.' to one of my co-workers. Glancing down at my stomach, My husband, Daniel, had been poured into the processing unit, she said, “Looks like someone’s promoted to a newly created and resulted in some dramatic also been sleeping in your bed.” position. He was eager to find out crackling and popping sounds. - RUTH MALLARD what his official title was, so After sopping up the mess, we when his business cards finally gathered around the terminal as Excerpts from actual employee arrived, I was surprised that he the computer was turned back on. evaluations. Hope none of seemed reluctant to show me. “Please let it work,” pleaded the these rings a bell: After some persuasion, Daniel gave guilt-ridden waiter. ® “Works well when under con¬ me a card, naming him director of A waitress replied, “Should be stant supervision and cornered product efficiency. “Wow,” I respond¬ faster than ever. That was a dou¬ like a rat in a trap.” ed, “that sounds impressive.” ble espresso.” • “His men would follow him “Not really,” Daniel replied as - BRIAN A. KOHLER anywhere, but only out of mor¬ he removed my thumb from the bid curiosity.” acronym underneath. It read DOPE. One of my pet peeves as a • “When she opens her mouth, it - SANDY GERVAIS musician in a symphony is only to change feet.” orchestra is trying to follow the • “He doesn’t have ulcers, but The chef of the upscale restau¬ erratic beat of famous guest con¬ he’s a carrier.” rant I manage collided with a ductors. I didn’t realize how • “If you see two people talking waiter one day and spilled coffee strongly the rest of the musicians and one looks bored, he’s the all over our computer. The liquid felt until we were talking to some¬ other one.” All in a Day’s Work

My father began teaching “Do you know what caused the -Timeless Humor from the business classes at the local fall?” I asked. prison through a community “No,” the woman nervously A favorite story among color- film processors concerns the college. On his first night of class, replied. “What?” negative of a poodle which a he started a chapter on banking. - REBECCA PARKS woman sent to a photo-finish¬ During the course of his lecture, ing lab. When the print was the subject of ATMs came up, and I work at a department store made, the dog came out look¬ he mentioned that, on average, where every night at closing ing green. Figuring that there most machines contain only about time one of our customer-service must have been a mistake in $1,500 at a given time. representatives reminds shoppers the color balance, a problem which plagues color proces¬ Just then a man in the back over the public-address system to sors, the lab tried again and raised his hand. “I’m not trying to finish their shopping. One again, and finally got the dog be disrespectful,” he told my evening, a woman who had to come out a kind of improb¬ father, “but the machine I robbed recently worked at a Kmart able tan. had about $5,000 in it.” opened the announcement by say¬ The woman who sent in the - JENNIFER JOHNSON ing, “Attention Kmart shoppers...” negative was furious when Quickly realizing her mistake, she got the picture of the tan poodle, which, she informed It was an unusually hectic even¬ she tap-danced her way out of the lab, she had dyed green. ing at the emergency clinic trouble by adding, “You are in the - DONALD M. SCHWARTZ where I work. The doctor on duty wrong store.” was simultaneously bombarded - MATTHEW PERENCHIO with questions, given forms to he aquarium shop where I sign, and even asked for his Our copier was on the fritz so work has been in business for dinner order. I put a note on it: “Service more than 20 years. One Sunday a I was in the next room, cleaning has been called.” When the tech¬ customer called wanting to buy a up a newly sutured wound, when nician told me he had to order larger aquarium. “And by the way, I realized he hadn’t given instruc¬ parts, I added a second note: I’ve spent a lot of money at your tions for a bandage. I poked my “Parts have been ordered.” store over the years,” he said. “I head out the door and asked, During the next five days, when think I should get a discount.” “What kind of dressing do you we had to use an older, slower “Only our owner can give a dis¬ want on that?” copier on the other side of the count,” I explained, “and he won’t “Ranch,” he replied. building, someone taped a third be in until tomorrow.”

- BRENDA TODD note to the machine: “Prayers When the customer said that have been said.” he’d come in the next day, I asked As a 911 dispatcher, I speak to - JENNIFER HARRISON him if there was anything else I people in various states of could help him with. panic. One day, a woman called “Sure,” he said. “Where is your saying that a family member had store located?” fallen and needed help. - DAVID A. BILLINGTON

45 mm mm

QUOTABLE QUOTES i i The squeaky wheel may get the most i • oil, but it’s also the first to be replaced. i — MARILYN VOS SAVANT. Of Course I'm for Monogamy (St. Martin's) i I You're not a famous until The grass may be greener on the other side, but it’s just as hard to cut. i i my mother has - LITTLE RICHARD heard of you. a - JAY LENO A peacock that rests on his i feathers is just another turkey. a - DOLLY PARTON i i It was while making newspaper deliveries, i trying to miss the bushes and hit the a porch, that I first learned the importance When people i of accuracy in journalism. ask if I do my i i — CHARLES OSGOOD, Defending Baltimore Against Enemy Attack (Hyperion) own stunts, I a always answer, s “Not on purpose.” i You’ve got to be original, because - BILLY BOB THORNTON a if you’re like someone else, what I do they need you for? a — BERNADETTE PETERS on “Inside the Actors Studio" (Bravo) i

If you can see a bandwagon, it's too late to get on it.

JAMES GOLDSMITH All in a Day’s Work

Each new patient at the When a woman clinic where I work came through my must fill out a question¬ cashier’s line at Wal-Mart, naire asking basic health her purchase came to and personal-history ques¬ twenty dollars. “That’s tions. One query that what I had in my hand. inevitably gets a “No” You must be psychic,” answer is, “Do you now use she joked. or have you ever used “I am,” I teased. “I knew recreational drugs?” exactly how much you We were unprepared for wanted to spend.” the response of a young The next customer newlywed who wrote: stepped up and, looking at “Yes—birth-control pills.” me with a big grin, pulled - FRANCES BOWEN out a one-dollar bill.

- MELISSA MORSE y nephew, a flight M “Damn it, Peterson, you’ve got attendant, split the back of to try and fit in!” The insurance agency I work his pants one day during a flight. for draws business from a To save embarrassment, he decid¬ my line. When his turn came, he retirement community. Once, ed to work in front of the said somewhat sheepishly, “I need when applying for auto insurance beverage cart, facing forward. to change the numbers on that for a client, I asked him how The arrangement worked per¬ plate application.” many miles he drives in a year. fectly until he got to the last row - N. V. GOODMAN He said he didn’t know. and a passenger leaned over to “Well, do you drive 10,000 miles him and said in a low voice, While on vacation, my wife a year,” I asked, “or 5,000?” “Your fly is open.” and I stopped for lunch at a He said the numbers sounded

- RICHARD F. MARKS diner. We sat at the counter, right high. “What month is this?” he next to the grill. The cook was a asked. I told him it was July. One of my customers at the young man who was very busy “Maybe this will help,” he said. “I department of motor vehicles flipping pancakes. Every so often, filled the car with gas in February.” wanted a personalized license he would stop and hit the grill - LYNN BEBEE plate with his wedding anniver¬ with the handle of the spatula. sary on it. As we completed the Finally I asked him facetiously, Overheard: “Yesterday I got my paperwork he explained, “This “Does that improve the taste of tie stuck in the fax machine. way I can’t forget the date.” the pancakes?” Next thing I knew, I was in Fos A few hours later, I recognized “No,” he replied. “That keeps Angeles.” the same young man waiting in the handle from falling off.” - STEVE HAUPT

- NORMAN SMEE

47 How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes six visits.

boat. Then I As my husband, the county took him to the highway commissioner, was automotive driving to the hospital for treat¬ department and ment of his painful leg, he sold him our decided to use the valet parking biggest SUV to pull service so he wouldn’t have to "We need to focus on diversity. the boat.” walk far. Staring at his official- Your goal is to hire people who all look “You sold all that looking vehicle, one of the valets different but think just like me.” to a guy who came asked my husband if he was driv¬ in for a fishhook?” ing a government car. “Why, yes,” It was our new receptionist’s asked the boss. my husband replied, surprised by very first job, and it showed in “Actually,” said the salesman, the question. “In fact it’s an the way she dressed—her reveal¬ “he came in for a bottle of aspirin unmarked police car.” ing clothes screamed “college” for his wife’s migraine. I told him, “Wow!” the young man said, more than “office.” As diplomati¬ ‘Your weekend’s shot. Might as sliding behind the wheel. “This cally as he could, our boss sat her well go fishing.’ ” will be the first time I’ve been in down and told her that she would the front seat.” have to dress more appropriately. ur nephew was getting mar¬ - PATTY ANN HEINEMANN “Why?” she asked. “Are we going o:ried to a doctor’s daughter. out to lunch?” At the wedding reception, the I thought I wanted a - CLAUDIA SMELKO & MARION ABEL father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled tattoo, so I had a friend The salesman at the megastore on a piece of scrap paper. Several come with me to the had only one sale that day, times during his speech, he halted, but it was for a staggering overcome with what I assumed tattoo parlor. As I $158,762. Flabbergasted by such a was a moment of deep emotion. nervously paused out¬ massive sale, the manager asked But after a particularly long side the door, I noticed him to explain. “First, I sold the pause, he explained, “I'm sorry. man a fishhook,” the salesman I can’t seem to make out what I’ve the T had slipped off said. “Then I sold him a rod and written down.” Looking out into their sign. Now it read reel. When I found out he was the audience, he asked, “Is there a "Creative ouch.” planning on fishing down the pharmacist in the house?” KAREN BLOUNT coast, I suggested he’d need a - TONY BELMONTE All in a Day’s Work

Doctors are used to getting calls My wife and I run a small Timeless Humor from the at any hour. One night a man restaurant where we often 50’s An acquaintance of mine was phoned, waking me up. “I’m sorry name our specials after our hired as a research assistant to bother you so late,” he said, “but employees—dishes like “Chicken by the physics department of I think my wife has appendicitis.” Mickey,” after our dishwasher a West Coast university to Still half asleep, I reminded who gave us the recipe, and investigate the thermodynam¬ him that I had taken his wife’s “Rod’s Ribs,” after a waiter who ic properties of wood. Two inflamed appendix out a couple had his personal style of barbe¬ weeks after starting work he of years before. “Whoever heard cue. One evening after rereading was approached by an encyclo¬ pedia salesman who explained of a second appendix?” I asked. the menu, I broke with this tradi¬ that purchase of the encyclo¬ “You may not have heard of a tion and changed the description pedia entitled the buyer to second appendix,” he replied, of the special we had named after have any three special ques¬ “but surely you’ve heard of a our chef. tions answered completely. To second wife.” Despite her skills and excel¬ save himself a great deal of - JAMES KARURI MUCHIRI lent reputation, somehow I work, the researcher bought didn’t think an entree named the encyclopedia, stipulating inishing up our work at a trade “Salmon Ella” would go over big for his first free question a full F dissertation on the thermody¬ show in San Diego, my co¬ with our customers. namic properties of wood. - BRETT LEHIGH worker Maureen and I decided to Three weeks later the head go sightseeing across the border of the physics department in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, called the research assistant we went shopping and bought a into his office and said, “We few pieces of clay kitchenware. As have a request from an ency¬ clopedia company. One of we crossed back into the United their customers has asked for States, a customs official asked if a report on the thermodynam¬ we had anything of value to report. ic properties of wood. Please “Not really,” Maureen replied, dig¬ prepare the report for them.”

ging in her bag for the bean crock - JOHN F. MELLOR she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.”

49 “Do you want a salary "benefits?” All in a Day’s Work

Walking through the hallways “What’s wrong?” he asked. at the middle school where “They won’t wrap the gifts for I work, I saw a new substitute us,” I answered. teacher standing outside his class¬ After being on the “No problem,” he said quickly. room with his forehead against a “I’ll ask my secretary to do it.” locker. I heard him mutter, “How phone forever - WENYAN MA did you get yourself into this?” Knowing he was assigned to a with a customer The college football player difficult class, I tried to offer knew his way around the moral support. “Are you okay?” who had been locker room better than he did the I asked. “Can I help?” library. So when my husband’s co¬ He lifted his head and replied, having difficulties worker saw the gridiron star “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this roaming the stacks looking con¬ kid out of his locker.” with a computer fused, she asked how she could - HELEN BUTTON help. “I have to read a play by program, a support Shakespeare,” he said. Because I was processing my “Which one?” she asked. first accident report at the technician at my He scanned the shelves and transport company where I answered, “William.” worked, I was being particularly - SANDRA J. YARBROUGH attentive. The driver had hit a deer mother’s company on the highway, and the result was As a high-school football a severely damaged hood and fend¬ turned in his coach, I’m aware that student er. My serious mood was broken, athletes tend to focus too much however, when I reached the sec¬ report: on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, tion of the report that asked, was talking about one such player, “Speed of other vehicle?” “The problem who called him at home one The driver had put “Full gallop.” night. When his wife informed

- DOUGLAS WAKEHAM resides between the kid that Bob wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to On the afternoon of Admini¬ the keyboard and speak to the coach right away. strative Professionals Day, “Just calm down, and I’ll have my co-worker and I finally found the chair.” him call you as soon as he gets the time to get gifts for our secre¬ home,” the coach’s wife told him. taries. While at the store, my “What’s your number?” Nicole Milligan colleague noticed my disappoint¬ The flustered kid replied, ment when I discovered the shop “Three.” didn’t provide gift wrapping. - ALLAN FLOYD

51 the exam. The Hal’s handyman wasn’t the students agreed. swiftest guy on earth. But he So my father was cheap, and so was Hal, which handed each one is why he hired the guy to paint a piece of paper, his porch for $50. “You tightwad,” placed them in scolded Hal’s wife. “Our porch four separate covers half of the house! He’ll corners and said, be there for days.” Hal simply “Write down smirked. which tire was An hour later, there was a flat.” knock at the door. The handyman

- KURT SMITH had finished. “How did you get done so quickly?” Hal asked. My husband “It was a piece of cake,” the and I arrived handyman replied. “Oh, and it’s at the auto dealership a Ferrari, not a Porsche.” “I’ll need the saw again, sir.’ to pick up our new car, only to be told that the keys My buddy applied for a job as I’m a life-and-career coach had been locked inside. We went an insurance salesperson. and one morning, when a to the service department, where Where the form requested “prior prospective client called for an a mechanic was working to experience,” he wrote “lifeguard.” appointment, I asked him what he unlock the driver’s side door. That was it. Nothing else. wanted to get out of our sessions. Instinctively, I reached for the “We’re looking for someone “Clarity,” he said very firmly. passenger door and—voila!—it who can not only sell insurance, “And on what issues are you was unlocked. “Hey,” I shouted to but who can sell himself,” said the looking for clarity?” I probed. him. “It’s open!” hiring manager. “How does work¬ “Well,” he said in a less confi¬ “I know,” yelled the mechanic. ing as a lifeguard pertain to dent tone, “I really don’t know.” “I already got that side. Now I’m salesmanship?” - SHANA SPOONER working on this door.” “I couldn’t swim,” my pal replied. - BETTY M. PHILLIPS He got the job. Four students walked in halfway - TEDD C. HUSTON through the American history test my father was giving at the V 00 local community college. “Sorry,” ro On the door of the post office in rural Esperance, N.Y.: 3 they said, “we had a flat tire.” 00 An understanding man, Dad c PULL If that doesn’t work, PUSH. If that (0 said that if they could all answer c doesn’t work, we’re closed. Come again. just one question correctly, he 00 - VERA KASSON would give them each an “A” for (/>

52 All in a Day’s Work

A first-grader came to more, it promised that its lake- Unfortunately, we humans front property offered something don’t come equipped with the ophthalmology office the kids probably did not expect: delete buttons for our mouths. where I work to have his “breathtaking views.” My friend and his rock band were vision checked. He sat - CHRISTY NICHOLS playing a concert at the psychi¬ atric hospital where he worked as down and I turned off the A neighbor had invited some a musical therapist. The audience lights. Then I switched on friends, including our minis¬ was a little too quiet for his taste, a projector that flashed ter, over for dinner. On the menu so the guitarist decided to do were mashed potatoes, stuffing, something about it. He grabbed the letters F, Z and B on butter peas and baked chicken. the microphone, pointed to the a screen. I asked the boy As we prepared to eat, we were group and yelled, “Are you ready what he saw. serenaded by a crowing rooster. to get a little crazy?” “Listen to that rooster,” said one - STEPHAN DERVAN Without hesitation he of the guests. replied, "Consonants." Glancing at our pastor digging A guy shows up late for work.

- STEPHEN DOWNING into his chicken, the host said, The boss yells, “You “You’d crow too if your child was should’ve been here at 8:30!” Hard to believe, but many of going into the clergy.” The guy replies, “Why? What our customers at the bank - E. LENORE MILLER happened at 8:30?” still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, “Strip down facing me.”

- VICKI STONE

While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and “Good news, Mr. Hawkins. Companies have laid off too much deadwood, and now there’s a shortage.” 53 ^ B Y RICK REILLY

know I’ll never play golf It rained most of the day. And the gallery a chipping lesson and like the great golfers, pro or that, combined with trying to I was standing on a hill trying to celeb. I’ll never play it like caddy and interview him, plus the write, not realizing I had the bag those guys’ gardeners. But ridiculous distances between a little upside down, and perhaps in golf, more than in any other green and tee, plus the altitude, I forced the umbrella too hard, sport, I can get close to great plus the bottles of wine the night because suddenly it folded up athletes without actually being before—well, these things started the wrong way. And as I looked one: I can be a caddy. to chip away at my skills. And on in horror, the bag toppled I persuaded Jack Nicklaus, the that’s about when it happened. over backward, sending some of greatest golfer in history, to let On the 15th hole, the rain was the clubs flying and, unfortunate¬ me carry his bag for him at the coming in sideways and the wind ly, some of the balls out of the grand opening of The Summit at was serious. Nicklaus’s umbrella unzipped pouch—oops—just as Cordillera, a course he designed had been a pill. It kept trying to Nicklaus asked me for another near Vail. I felt stupid caddying poke me in the eye or fake a ball to chip. Busted. Jack looked for Jack Nicklaus, really. I mean, “click,” making me think it was at me, waited for the laughter to the man had two U.S. Amateur locked open and then nearly col¬ die down and then said, “Don’t titles, 71 Tour wins, six Masters, lapsing. This time, it went too far. quit your regular job.” four U.S. Opens, was eight times Jack was giving some folks in On the day I’m caddying for the leading money winner and now, at age 63, builds some of the finest golf courses around. What is What is the point of telling Jack Nicklaus, the point of telling Jack Nicklaus, "Okay, this is a little 389-yard dogleg with a “Okay, this is a little 389-yard dog¬ leg with a pond guarding the green pond guarding the green left," when the guy left,” when the guy designed and designed and built the freaking thing? built the freaking thing?

54 Donald Trump at his preposter¬ less threatening and possibly stonemason and the greenskeeper ously wonderful Trump National real. It resembles red cotton to re-do the bricks or re-trim a Golf Club in Briarcliff Manor, candy. It seems to have been tree that is not absolutely, N.Y., there’s a problem. Trump spun off a wheel and fired. immaculately Trumpalicious. wants me to play instead of Maybe the hair is fiberglass. I Before long, the bricks have been caddy. He’s already got his usual cannot imagine the teams of ripped out and the stonemason is caddy, Billy, ready to go— artists it must take to do Trump’s starting over. “Best caddy in the world!” he hair each day, but I know they When Trump sees work that is declares—and he won’t play by must arrive by the busload. And Trumpalicious, he is practically himself under any circumstances. somehow they’ve managed to moist. Just now he saw five You don’t get the feeling Trump make his hair look like the workers doing a job he liked on a is a guy who requires a lot of moment when you open a bottle cart path. “Beautiful!” he says. So personal quiet time. I ask him, of aspirin and you can’t quite get we gotta go over and tell them. “Any chance maybe you’d the cotton ball out and it comes They’re from Chile, and they have a game tomorrow I could partially out, all teased. That’s don’t speak a syllable of English. caddy for?” Trump’s hair. He whips out three $100 bills and Trump looks at me. “Believe Trump plays golf fast, and well. gives them out. The workers me,” he says, “one day of me is Mostly he hits the ball low, far smile melon slices, shocked at enough.” and straight. He owns the joint, their good fortune. Trump climbs Just a word on Trump’s hair. so he parks the cart where he back in the cart, pleased mightily. There are those who do not like wants the rest of the world not “Now those guys are the Donald it. And I admit, when I asked to—edges of greens, backs of Trumps of Chile!” he says. Trump if I could caddy for him, tee boxes. We will end up going Before caddying for Bob I was wondering if we would 18 holes in three hours and Newhart—the former accountant need a separate caddy for the 15 minutes and that includes turned genius stand-up comic, hair. Up close, though, it is much stopping often to harangue the TV psychologist and Vermont

55 ► Caddy Hack

I admit, when I asked Trump if I could caddy for him, I was wondering if we would need a separate caddy for the hair.

inn owner—I had lunch with him “Oh, yeah,” he said. “Like, I’ll 18 holes. On the second ball he in the grill overlooking the first come home after a bad round, hit, though, Bob was probably tee at Bel-Air, L.A.’s club of the swearing. And my wife will say, more like an 81. But then, aren’t stars. Soon enough, people were ‘I thought you played golf to we all? wondering why a caddy was hav¬ relax!’ and I’ll snap, ‘Dammit, Oh, one last thing. You’re ing lunch with Bob in the grill, so honey, you don’t know the first thinking, “How come you didn’t we set out. Bob said we’d start on thing about the game!’ ” ask Tiger Woods if you could the back nine and then play the Bob lives among the mansions caddy for him?” I did. I asked front nine. But somebody was in the Bel Air hills. “We live next him 100 ways. And he always said playing the 10th and 11th, so we to the house Dean Martin no. “Why not?” I wondered. started on 12. I asked Bob what owned,” he said. “Dean sold it to “Because,” Tiger explained, his handicap was. “Nine,” he said. Tom Jones, who sold it to Nicolas “I suck. I need good help.” ▲ “I say I’m a nine no matter what Cage. Next to that is the house I am. I like being a nine.” that Clark Gable and Carole Right off, Bob proved he wasn’t Lombard lived in. It sounds a nine. He was more like a four. glamorous, I guess. But some¬ He hit a perfect drive and then times I’ll be doing some menial a perfect five-wood toward the task and I’ll say to my wife, ‘Hon, Mae West green at 12. It’s called do you think Carole Lombard Sign above the scale in that because it used to have ever asked Clark Gable to take a Mission Hills, Calif., two huge humps guarding it. out the recycling?’ ” doctor’s office: The humps are gone now, but By the round’s end, Bob hit then so is Mae West. Bob was on 7 out of 13 fairways, 6 out of 16 “Pretend it’s in two strokes but three-putted. greens, and shot what probably your I.Q.”

“Does golf drive stars crazy too?” would’ve been an 88 if we’d - LYNN MICLEA I asked. counted everything and played , v' \ 'Vs ' f>' '' ' »'i' ^ .

■ mm mm B g-liMsc QUOTABLE QUOTES

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, Who’s responsible for this? You’re never - JERRY SEINFELD allowed to step If an idea’s worth having once, on people to get it’s worth having twice. ahead, but you - TOM STOPPARD, Indian Ink can step over them if they’re The key to success? Work hard, in your way. stay focused and marry a Kennedy.

- STAR JONES on "The View" - ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose Money doesn't around your neck? talk, it swears. - BOB DYLAN, “It’s Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)” — LINDA ELLERBEE in The Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist.

ROBERT G. ALLEN, Multiple Streams of Income (John Wiley & Sons)

When I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing * /I P anything to society, my reaction is, How do I get in on that? - DAVE BARRY in The Miami Herald share ideas to recruit away, give him two sticks and employees. Out of make him a drummer!” exasperation, I A stage whisper was heard from made a joking the percussion section: “And if he plea to two of can’t handle that, they take away my colleagues, one of his sticks and make him a asking them to conductor.” send me six - QUINCY WONG nurses from each of their hospitals. A New York retail clerk was That request suffering from aching feet. prompted one of “It’s all those years of standing,” them to suggest a his doctor declared. “You need a unique solution: vacation. Go to Miami, soak your While reviewing math sym¬ “Send six nurses to the feet in the ocean and you’ll feel bols with my second-grade top three names on the list of better.” pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) hospital administrators, and then When the man got to Florida, and a less-than (<) sign on the send your request to five other he went into a hardware store, chalkboard and asked, “Does colleagues. In 14 days you will bought two large buckets and anyone remember what these have received 1,567 nurses.” headed for the beach.

mean?” A few moments passed, - DAVID PARKS “How much for two buckets and then a boy confidently raised of that seawater?” he asked the his hand. “One means fast- My musical director wasn’t lifeguard. forward,” he exclaimed, “and the happy with the performance “A dollar a bucket,” the fellow other means rewind.” of one of our percussionists. replied with a straight face.

- TERESA DON Repeated attempts to get the The clerk paid him, filled his drummer to improve failed. buckets, went to his hotel room Finally, in front of the orchestra, and soaked his feet. They felt so Desperate for registered the director said in frustration, much better he decided to repeat nurses, my colleagues and I “When a musician just can’t han¬ the treatment that afternoon. Again in hospital administration often dle his instrument, they take it he handed the lifeguard two dol¬ lars. The young man took the money and said, “Help yourself.” Seen on the door of a repair shop: The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock tide was out. “Wow,” he said, turn¬ on the door—the bell doesn’t work.) ing to the lifeguard. “Some

- VICTORIA GOLDEN business you got here!”

- CARL D. KIRBY

58 All in a Day’s Work

On the job as a dental recep¬ A livestock truck overturned in -Timeless Humor from the 6©’ tionist, I answered the phone my town, and the accident Another man and I share a and noticed on the caller-ID made the local news. The young locker at work. Noticing that it screen that the incoming call was reporter who covered the story needed a new combination from an auto-repair shop. The declared on camera, “Two cows, lock, my partner said he man on the line begged to see the Black and Gus, escaped into near¬ would pick one up on his way dentist because of a painful tooth. by woods.” to work the next day. It “Which side of your mouth At the studio there was muffled occurred to me later that I hurts?” I asked the patient. laughter as they cut to a commer¬ might not see him in the He sighed and answered, “The cial. After the break, the reporter morning. How would I find out the combination? I needn’t passenger side.” sheepishly added, “About that have worried. - CHERYL PACE SATTERWHITE overturned truck—make those When I arrived at work I Black Angus cattle.” found that he had used the I am a deputy sheriff assigned to - JULIANA KEMP locker before me and had left courthouse security. As part of a note reading: “To find the my job, I explain court procedures The boss placed a sign directly first number subtract 142 to visitors. One day I was showing over the sink in the men’s from your high score the last time we went bowling. The a group of ninth-graders around. room at work. It had a single word second number is 16 less than Court was in recess and only the on it: Think! that. To find the third number clerk and a young man in custody The next day when the boss went subtract 1.87 from the amount wearing handcuffs were in the to the men’s room, he saw another you owe me." courtroom. “This is where the sign had been placed immediately - MICHAEL KLABER judge sits,” I began, pointing to above the soap dispenser. the bench. “The lawyers sit at It read: Thoap! these tables. The court clerk sits - MURIEL NAYLOR over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see,” I finished, “there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.” At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, “Yeah, but I’m the one who makes it all happen.”

- MICHAEL MCPHERSON

“Technically, we’re not firing you. We’re just moving you into an exit-level position.”

59 "How much do A client recently brought her Corporate managers are always two cats to my husband’s vet¬ you charge?" a good source of memorable erinary clinic for their annual a man asked a lawyer. quotes. Here are some examples checkup. One was a small-framed, of mediocrity rising to the top. round tiger-striped tabby, while • “As of tomorrow, employees the other was a long, sleek black "I get $50 for will only be able to access the cat. She watched closely as I put three questions," building using individual secu¬ each on the scale. “They weigh rity cards. Pictures will be about the same,” I told her. the lawyer answers. taken next Wednesday, and “That proves it!” she exclaimed. employees will receive their “Black does make you look slimmer. cards in two weeks.” And stripes make you look fat.” "That's awfully • “What I need is a list of specific

- SUSAN DANIEL unknown problems we will steep, isn't it?" encounter.” I was inspecting communica¬ says the man. • “E-mail is not to be used to tions facilities in Alaska. Since pass on information or data. I had little experience flying in It should be used only for small planes, I was nervous when "Yes, it is," company business.” we approached a landing strip in replies the lawyer. • “This project is so important, a snow-covered area. The pilot we can’t let things that are more descended to just a couple hundred "Now, what's important interfere with it.” feet, then gunned both engines, • “We know that communication climbed and circled back. While your final is a problem, but the company my heart pounded, the passenger is not going to discuss it with next to me seemed calm. “I wonder question?" the employees.” why the pilot didn’t land,” I said. - E.T. THOMPSON “He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed,” the The customer ordering a floral man replied. At the busy dental office where arrangement from my shop As we made a second approach, I work, one patient was was giving me very specific I glanced out the window. “It always late. Once when I called to guidelines. “Nothing fragrant,” looks plowed to me,” I commented. confirm an appointment, he said, she instructed. “Nothing too tall “No,” my neighbor replied. “It “I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That or too wild. And no bright colors, hasn’t been cleared for some time.” won’t be a problem, will it?” please. My house is decorated in “How can you tell?” I asked. “No,” I told him. “We just beige and cream. Here is a wallpa¬ “Because,” the man informed won’t have time to give you an per sample.” She handed me a me, “I’m the guy who drives anesthetic.” plain square of tan-colored paper. the plow.” He arrived early. “Your name?” I asked.

- LAWRENCE D. WEISS - TERRI SPACCAROTELLI “Mrs. Bland,” the woman replied.

- STEPHEN STANLEY

60 All in a Day’s Work

Atelier at the bank where I The fellow looked up from his -Timeless Humor from the < work noticed that a drive-in desk, smiled and said, “No cheese My brother-in-law, head chef customer was writing something for you.” in a New Orleans restaurant, on one of the documents he was - CHRISTINE PROBASCO underwent major surgery. His going to place in the transaction wife, who spent anxious hours basket. As she looked at the con¬ Giving a sermon one Sunday, awaiting news, supposed that tents of the basket, she saw “This I heard two teenage girls in the atmosphere in the operat¬ is robbery!” printed on one of his the back giggling and disturbing ing room was comparable bills to be paid. people. I interrupted my sermon to what she was experiencing. Things obviously were less She panicked, looked up at the and announced sternly, “There tense there than she had man in the car and asked in a are two of you here who have pictured. shaky voice, “What do you want?” not heard a word I’ve said.” That When they wheeled my The customer, realizing the quieted them down. brother-in-law out, this memo teller’s apprehension, began apol¬ When the service was over, I was pinned to his hospital ogizing. “I’m so sorry! That wasn’t went to greet people at the front gown: “Don’t forget to give for you—it’s a message for the door. Three adults apologized for operating-room nurse recipe for remoulade sauce." electric company.” going to sleep in church, promis¬ - MRS. E. G. LEBLANC - JIM CHOMA ing it would never happen again.

- WILLIAM C. RUSS My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he couldn’t see over the panels to find his way out, so he waited until he saw someone else leaving and followed him. He did the same the next day. On the third day he had to work late, long after his colleagues had left. He wandered around lost in the maze of cubicles and corri¬ dors, but then, just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. “How do you get out of here?” Jim asked.

There’s an important job I’d like you to tackle, Haffner—yours.'

61 "W" W" 'Ylien my football- customers how good I looked high on the list. Eventually, they % / playing career with hair, the company made and mass-produced my head, and it %/ %/ ended, I had no idea distributed to salons all over the did look just like me. The toupee T T how I wanted to country a plastic model of my people were so proud of the plas¬ spend the rest of my life. head. These salons then stuck a tic bust, they mailed one to my Fortunately for me, there is a fine toupee on the model and put it on dad. The problem was I didn’t tell tradition in this country that if the counter or in the front win¬ him it was coming. This big box you are a successful athlete or dow. They made the mold for my arrived at my parents’ house, and performer, people supposedly head at a Holiday Inn near the my father opened it up. He was want to eat the same peanut but¬ Shreveport Regional Airport. I lay shocked to see me looking right ter that you do, drink the same down on a bed while people stuck back at him. “Novis,” he yelled to beer, wear the same pants, etc. straws up my nose so I could my mother, “you better get in That’s how I got involved in the breathe, and then covered my here. They sent us Terry’s head worst product endorsement I ever entire head with plaster. in a box.” It bothered my mother did. I am bald and I agreed to be The plaster began drying too so much that they put it back in the spokesman for a toupee com¬ quickly, and they had trouble get¬ the box and stored it in the attic. pany. The basic concept of the ting it off my head. In the As another part of the deal, I campaign was that if a he-man meantime I was having difficulty filmed several toupee commer¬ football player like Terry breathing. There are lots of bad cials. In one, I swam with a Bradshaw was not embarrassed ways to die, but being suffocated hairpiece on as an announcer to wear a toupee, no one else by plaster while getting your head said, “You, too, can have a full should be. To show potential duplicated for a toupee display is robust life with our toupee. Look How Terry Bradshaw fumbled his way to success

how natural it looks.” Then I sur¬ Once again I needed to find a had been the only thing that mat¬ faced with what looked like way to make a living. Talking is tered to me, but as a broadcaster roadkill stuck to my head. what I do best, and I like to make I soon learned it was the small Maybe the worst part of the people smile. When I was play¬ frames that make up the big pic¬ deal was that I agreed to wear a ing, reporters liked to interview ture. I didn’t know the players and toupee whenever I appeared in me because I gave them good their assignments; I didn’t know public. One day I was playing in a sound bites. when to talk and when to keep pro-am golf tournament on a hot Luckily this had attracted the quiet. I didn’t know what to look afternoon. Sweat was pouring out attention of TV network execu¬ at, how to describe what I was from under the dense synthetic tives. One day my phone rang. seeing. There was so much I wig. Finally I just couldn’t take it A CBS executive asked, “Want didn’t know, I didn’t even know anymore; I went behind a tree, $5,000 just for talking?” And that it. I would not describe my first ripped off the hairpiece and is how I got into the broadcasting game as a disaster, mostly because shoved it into my back pocket. business long term. that would be understating how What I didn’t realize was that I When I signed with CBS, Terry truly bad I was. For example, in had cut my head when I took it O’Neil, the executive producer of about the middle of the first quar¬ off, so my scalp was bleeding. I CBS Sports, teamed me with vet¬ ter it became obvious to me that spent the rest of the tournament eran play-by-play announcer in addition to a lack of knowledge walking around with blood run¬ Verne Lundquist. Verne was fac¬ and preparation, I had a serious ning down my face and the ing a big challenge; he had to problem. “Verne,” I said, “I can’t hairpiece hanging out of my back teach me how to do my job before see a thing down there.” I had pocket like a squirrel’s tail. After I destroyed his career. My first never watched a football game that, for some reason, the compa¬ broadcast was a preseason game from that distance in my life. ny decided I was not a proper in San Diego between the All I could see was a bunch of spokesman for their toupee and Chargers and some other team. people with numbers I couldn’t fired me. I had to hand in my hair. As a quarterback, the big picture read running around.

63 ► Me and My Big Mouth

The first few games I was probably more nervous than at any time during my entire playing career. I would always bring two clean shirts with me, because I knew I was going to sweat through one of them.

“Really,” said Verne, amazingly knocked me out. I felt dizzy, sick bright all of a sudden or they’re calm, considering that the broad¬ to my stomach, and my ears rang. not interested in these lures. We casting partner he was depending In a strange way, that hit in the got to change lures.’ When the on for insightful commentary had head relaxed me. Being in the stu¬ defensive isn’t biting, you’ve got just announced he was basically dio was brand-new to me, but I to change your offensive at half¬ useless. “We’ve got to get you could relate to a pain in my head. time. You got to change lures.” binoculars for the next game.” During my playing career, there For a man who thought his best Gradually I got better. Very, very had been many games when I had talent was throwing an inflated gradually. The first few games I to play hurt, but as one reporter ellipsoid a long way, I’ve been was probably more nervous than wrote, this was the first time I had fortunate in my career. In the end at any time during my entire play¬ to talk hurt. I discovered my real talent—just ing career. I would always bring Fortunately all went well. Since being myself. ▲ two clean shirts with me, because then I’ve gone from CBS to Fox, I knew I was going to sweat and have made the transition through one of them. Maybe I was from football player to football so nervous because I really cared. entertainer. My role on TV is not I worked hard. I wanted to be to be serious. People do not want o 00 good, to please the viewers. And I to hear me speak football, things (0 On the back of a 3 needed that job. With a lot of help like “That’s the old sixty-six M septic-service c from Verne, I guess I did okay inside release.” They expect to CO company truck: because CBS eventually offered hear me say things like “The c “Satisfaction me another job as co-host of “The Giants are having a bad offensive Qfl 'ui NFL Today” with Greg Gumbel. day, and they’ve got to make some guaranteed, or I’d be the analyst. changes. It’s like when I went your merchan¬ Before the first show I was fishing with my dad last week and extremely nervous. Then, minutes we were catching a lot of fish and dise cheerfully before we went on the air, a heavy all of a sudden we couldn’t catch refunded.” boom microphone smacked me mud. Then my daddy said to me, - J. W. BRADFORD upside the head so hard it nearly ‘Son, either these fish got real

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day. After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution. "Is there another door I could use?" _ BARBARA DAVIES

In my job as an electronics salesman, I’ve seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear- seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVDs, and even pick up local TV sta¬ tions, the husband asked matter-of-factly, “Does it get cable?”

- JOSEPH WADE

During a shopping trip to a department store, I was look¬ After harvesting the usual I’m an attendant in a ing around for a salesperson so I bumper crop of squash last Laundromat. A woman came in, could pay for my purchase. year, I took a half-dozen to the sat near my counter and chain¬ Finally I ran into a woman wear¬ office. I piled them on the table in smoked cigarette after cigarette. ing the store’s ID tag. “Excuse the break room, and posted a sign The smoke was bothering me, so I me,” I said. “I’m trying to locate a advertising them as free. The next turned on a fan. “Could you cashier.” day I noticed an addition to my please point that thing in another “I can’t help you,” she briskly sign. Below “Free Zucchini,” direction?” she asked. “I’m just replied, barely slowing down. “I someone had written, “Save the getting over pneumonia and the work in customer service.” And Whales.” last thing I need is a breeze blow¬

she walked away. - DAN ARCHEY ing on me.”

- SERENA HEARTZ - HOLLY SNAPP

66 All in a Day’s Work

A young man asked for a job Late one night I stopped at one -Timeless Humor from the < with the circus, any job at all. of those 24-hour gas station My friend John and I, deter¬ The manager decided to give him mini-marts to get myself a fresh mined to see the world, a chance to become an assistant brewed cup of coffee. When I signed on a Norwegian lion tamer and took him to the picked up the pot, I could not freighter as deckhands. We practice cage. help noticing that the brew was as were being trained as helms¬ The head lion tamer, a beautiful black as asphalt and just about as men, and John’s first lesson young woman, was just starting thick. “How old is the coffee you was given by the mate, a sea¬ her rehearsal. Entering the cage, have here?” I asked the woman soned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was holding the she removed her cape with a who was standing behind the heading he had been given, flourish and, standing in a gor¬ store counter. when the mate ordered, geous costume, motioned to a She shrugged. “I don’t know. “Come starboard." lion. Obediently the lion crept I’ve only been working here two Pleased at knowing imme¬ towards her and then rolled over weeks.” diately which way starboard twice. - PETER CULVER was, John left the helm and “Well,” said the manager to the walked over to his instructor. The mate had an incredu¬ young man, “do you think you can When employees of the lous look on his face as the learn to do that?” restaurant where I work helm swung freely, but he attended a fire-safety seminar, we “I’m sure I could,” he replied, merely asked politely, “Could “but first you’ll have to get that watched a fire official demon¬ you bring the ship with you?”

lion out of there.” strate the proper way to operate - BRUCE INGRAHAM

- SCOTT M. R1VA an extinguisher. “Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, As an obstetrician, I “then depress the trigger to sometimes see unusual release the foam.” I got stuck in a traffic jam while Later, an employee was selected commuting into Los Angeles tattoos when working to extinguish a controlled fire in one day. The woman in the SUV in labor and delivery. the parking lot. In her nervous¬ in front of me took full advantage One patient had some ness, she forgot to pull the pin. of the slowdown. She whipped Our instructor hinted, “Like a out her eyebrow pencil, lip gloss type of fish tattoo on hand grenade, remember?” and a mirror, applying the finish¬ her abdomen. "That In a burst of confidence, she ing touches on her face in the ten pulled the pin—and hurled the minutes it took us to creep sure is a pretty whale,” extinguisher at the blaze. through the Cahuenga Pass. I commented. - BECKI HARRIS Linally, the traffic broke up and With a smile she as she zoomed away, I caught a glimpse of her vehicle’s license replied, "It used to be a plate: NTRL BTY. dolphin.” - CHRIS DURMICK

- RON NORRIS 67 tudents in the adult French man rushed to the jewelry a> S A w> Posted in a dental class I teach include quite a counter in the store where I ca 3 office: few health-care professionals. work soon after the doors opened M C During one class, I was coughing one morning and said he needed a jO “Be kind to so badly a doctor in the class pair of diamond earrings. I c raised her hand. “If you like, I showed him a wide selection, and .£P your dentist. (/) could give you a prescription for quickly he picked out a pair. He has fillings that,” she offered. Another hand When I asked him if he wanted too.” shot up. “I could fill it for you,” the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, - CHRISTY CRITCHFIELD said a pharmacist’s assistant. Not “That’d be great. But can you to be outdone, a paramedic added, make it quick? I forgot today was “And I can take you there to pick my anniversary, and my wife it up!” thinks I’m taking out the trash.”

- JOANNE DUGUAY - ANDRE F. PAYSON II

When my daughter was preparing for her school’s “career week,” a time when career options are discussed and often led by representatives of different professions, we talked about my job as an airline customer-servic¬ es representative. I mentioned that one of my responsibilities was to load passengers’ luggage at the check-in counter. I later found out to my dismay that my daugh¬ ter had listed my occupation as “Bag Lady.”

- VICKI FREEMAN

68 They're innocent, earnest, and accidentally hilarious. The priceless things kids say, the unlikely things they do, and the brain-squashing challenges they pose to us unsuspecting adults. —II A Kid’s World

I was on family leave, spending Because it was my brother’s One day I went to my days caring for my two- birthday, our mom wanted to year-old son while pregnant with do something special. She called the mall for a beauty my second. To kill some time, I his fraternity house and said she makeover. Afterward, began watching The Game Show wanted to bring a cake. The I stopped at the photo Network, and I got hooked. One young man who took the call was afternoon my husband came very excited. “Hey, Mrs. Schaeffer,” gallery to have pictures home from work to find the house he said, “that would be great!” taken of my new look. in complete disarray and me The next day she drove to the When I got home, my plopped in front of the TV. “So fraternity and rang the doorbell. that’s what you do while I’m at The same boy answered the door. eight-year-old stared work?” he said, smirking. When he saw the cake, his face at me wide-eyed and “I just happened to have it on,” fell. “Oh,” he said, clearly disap¬ exclaimed, "You look I lied. pointed. “I thought you said ‘keg.’ ”

The next evening we were - MARY SCHAEFFER divorced!" watching President Bush’s inaugu¬ - BECKY MILLER ration. As Bush stepped out of his One evening after dinner, my limousine and waved to his cheer¬ five-year-old son Brian My husband and I had been ing supporters, my son shouted, noticed that his mother had gone trying to have a third child “Look, Mommy, he won the car!” out. In answer to his questions, I for a while. Unfortunately, the day

- CRYSTAL PELLEGRINI told him, “Mommy is at a I was to take a home pregnancy Tupperware party.” test, he was called out of town on My mother is a cleaning fanat¬ This explanation satisfied him business. I had told our young ic. One Saturday she told me for only a moment. Puzzled, he daughters about the test, and they and my brother to get down to the asked, “What’s a Tupperware were excited. We decided if it was playroom and straighten it up. We party, Dad?” positive, we would buy a baby had had a party there the previous I’ve always given my son honest outfit to surprise their father evening and she was none too answers, so I figured a simple when he got home. The three of happy about the mess. As she explanation would be the best us stood in the bathroom eagerly watched us work, it was clear approach. “Well, Brian,” I said, “at waiting for the telltale line to Mom was completely dissatisfied a Tupperware party, a bunch of appear. with our cleaning efforts and let ladies sit around and sell plastic When it did not, my thoughtful us know it. bowls to each other.” seven-year-old gave me a hug. Finally my brother, exasperated Brian nodded, indicating that he “It’s okay, Mom,” she said. with having to do it all over, understood. Then he burst into “The next time Daddy goes out reached for a broom and asked, laughter. “Come on, Dad,” he said. of town, you can try and get “Can I use this or are you plan¬ “What is it really?” pregnant again.” ning to go somewhere?” - KENNETH W. HOLMES - JUANITA MACDONALD

- MARK BERMAN

71 While waiting in line for my mother-in-law realized that the Tilt-A-Whirl, I over Luke had put the keys down heard my two nephews someplace, but she couldn’t find arguing. “Aunt Staci’s going them anywhere. Thinking with me!” insisted Yoni. “No, quickly, she gave him another said his brother, “she’s going set of keys. with me!” As she pretended not to Flattered at being so popu¬ look, Luke toddled around lar, I promised Yoni, “You the corner and into her bed¬ and I can go on the merry- room. Then she watched as he go-round.” carefully placed the second set “But I want you on this of keys under her bed—right ride,” he protested. next to the original car keys. “Why?” - TONY BECKER “Because the more weight, the faster it goes.” “As your mother, I took the liberty of I began thinking about my own making your wishes and blowing - STACI MARGUUS mortality after I became a out your candles.” widow. One day my daughter My 12-year-old daughter called home from college, and asked me, "Mom, do you My niece, delivering her first I announced to her, “I think it’s child, requested that her time for us to talk about where have a baby picture of mother and I come into the labor I would like to be buried.” yourself? I need it for a room with her. During one violent “It’s way too soon to even think school project" I gave her contraction she looked up at my of anything like that,” she snapped one without thinking to sister and said, “Mom, please help indignantly. Then there was a me. The pains are really bad.” brief silence. “Wait a minute, did ask what the project was. “Honey,” my sister replied, you say married or buried?” A few days later I was “there isn’t anything I can do.” When I repeated buried, she in her classroom for a My niece then turned to me. said, “Oh, okay, sure.” “Marisela, please help me,” she - WILMA L. WEINERT parent-teacher meeting implored. “Mom doesn’t under¬ when I noticed my face stand what I’m going through.” My teenage niece, Elizabeth, pinned to a mural the - MARISELA BOBO was nervous as she took the students had created. wheel for her first driving lesson. Luke, our venturesome As she was pulling out of the The title of their project 14-month-old son, was at my parking lot, the instructor said, was "The oldest thing in mother-in-law’s house. He was “Turn left here. And don’t forget my house." playing with her car keys when to let the people behind you know

- AIMEE KENT the phone rang. After hanging up, what you’re doing.” A Kid’s World

Elizabeth turned to the students behaved well during the service. -Timeless Humor from the 50’: sitting in the back seat and But at the grave site I discovered announced, “I’m going left.” my explanations weren’t as I work as a nurse's aide in a - RACHEL NICHOLS thorough as I’d thought. large hospital. One morning In a loud voice, my four-year-old as I began to bathe one of my patients, she put out her hand ur high school has lots of asked, “Mom, what’s in the box?” O to stop me. spirit, but that didn’t help the - GINNY RICHARDS “Do you have a small boy in football team, who had yet to win your family?” she asked. a game. So when our principal My girlfriend took her five- “Why yes," I said, looking saw some cheerleaders sitting in year-old daughter shopping rather puzzled. the stands, he asked, “Don’t you with her. The little girl watched “I thought so,” my patient think you girls should be down her mother try on outfit after out¬ said. “That’s exactly the way you’re washing my face.” there cheering for your team?” fit, exclaiming each time, - MRS. J. L. MILLER “I think,” one of them said, “we “Mommy, you look beautiful!” should be down there playing for A woman in the next dressing our team.” room called out, “Can I borrow - EMILY KARNES your daughter for a moment?”

- JEAN STAMMET Before heading on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long the pro¬ tective eye shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.” I had almost convinced myself I was overreacting—until I was in e

1 7 1 line at the grocery store. I felt a tug \ 1 1 at my shirt and looked down to see 11 a toddler staring up at me, “Are wr you giving out balloons?” he asked.

- NINA SECV1AR St*

riving with my two young D o vs- boys to a funeral, I tried to y

73 My 16-year-old son was get¬ When we moved cross coun¬ After the librarian finished the ting his learner’s permit, try, my wife and I decided first page, she asked the children, and I never missed an opportuni¬ to drive both our cars. Nathan, “Do you think she’ll die?” ty to remind him about seat-belt our eight-year-old, worriedly “Nope,” a little girl in the back safety. Riding in the car one day, asked, “How will we keep from said. “I saw this last night on I started my lecture: “When you getting separated?” Fear Factor.” or your friends are in your car, do “We’ll drive slow so one car can - BRIANNE BURCL not start driving until everyone follow the other,” I reassured him. is strapped in! Understand?” “Yeah, but what if we get sepa¬ I was telling my three boys the Instead of giving me the usual rated?” he persisted. story of the Nativity and how “I know,” he said, “Mom, say that “Then I guess we’ll never see the Wise Men brought gifts of again.” each other again,” I quipped. gold, frankincense and myrrh for So I warned again: “Whenever “Okay,” he said, “I’m riding the infant Jesus. you’re in your car, don’t start with Mom.” Clearly giving it a lot of thought, driving...” - JAMES C. BUSH my six-year-old observed, “Mom, He asked me to repeat it three a Wise Woman would have more times, until I finally asked One afternoon while I was vis¬ brought diapers.” what was wrong. iting my library, I noticed a - ANGIE FLAUTE “Nothing,” he said. “I just love group of preschoolers gathered hearing you say, ‘your car.’ ” for story time. The book they My retired husband, Jim, has -ANITA ROBBINS were reading was “There Was an been attending a beginning Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly.” watercolors class. During one Not long after we moved to session the instructor asked the our new home, I bought a class what they planned to do bird feeder and hung it in with their paintings when front of my kitchen win¬ they were finished. dow. One day I looked Virtually all of the out to see a spectacu¬ students were unde¬ lar variety of birds cided, but Jim knew JM\ perched on it. I exactly what he called to my would do with his. 18-year-old daughter. “I’m going to “Kelly, come and send them to my see the birds!” children,” he said From the other room with a smile, “so I heard, “I’m not that they can put them on old yet, Mom.” their refrigerators.”

- CARROLL J. SCHWING - BEVERLY D. LEE I’ve discovered that I’m homework intolerant. 1 QUOTABLE QUOTES 1 My perspective on my mother has changed immensely. She was a lot taller when I was younger.

— HOWIE MANDEL in I Love You, Mom! by Kelly Ripa and Others (Hyperion) A perfect parent is a person with All mothers have intuition. excellent child- The great ones have radar.

— CATHY GUISEWITE, quoted in The Joys of Motherhood rearing theories by Jane Hughes Paulson (Andrews McMeel) and no actual children. Having a family is like having a - DAVE BARRY bowling alley installed in your head.

- MARTIN MULL Nowadays they say you need a special chip to put in the TV so kids can’t watch this There's no and that. In my day, we didn’t need a chip. My mom was the chip. End of story. such thing RAY CHARLES in Esquire as fun for the whole Raising kids is part joy and family. part guerrilla warfare. JERRY SEINFELD - ED ASNER

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the home.

DENNIS MILLER How Did That npi vjCl ^ ► by LINDA M. SCHM 1 here? My son, Adam, has Why did I think I could get keeping everything he ever made. always been an away with it? I should know that I went for No. 1 this time. industrious child. no matter how sly I am, my kids Gingerly I gathered up the smelly, One time, when he always know when I’m trashing broken jet in my arms as if it were was four years old, he set out to their treasures. And sure enough, museum-worthy and placed it on invent a paper airplane with egg- just when I’d slid the garbage can top of the refrigerator. I’ll get you carton wings. But he didn’t just back into place, in walked Adam. next time, I said under my breath. make one prototype—he mass- Right away he noticed something The other person who knows produced an entire fleet. Don’t get was amiss. Must be some kind of instinctively when I’m trashing me wrong. I loved those airplanes preschool radar, I figured. something “valuable” is my ...for several days. With two cre¬ He headed to the trash can, tossed daughter, Emily, who is three ative kids in the house, however, in a tissue and trotted off to play. years older than Adam. Emily Adam’s crafts had plenty of com¬ Whew, I thought, I’m in the clear. has saved everything from the pany—Popsicle-stick sculptures, But suddenly he turned around and moment she could wrap her rubber-band contraptions and went back for a closer inspection. fingers around it. A while ago, polystyrene peanut people, to Imagine my horror as I peered a survey of her “treasure boxes” name just a few. So in an effort to over his shoulder to see that the revealed a foil candy wrapper declutter our home, I decided it silly aircraft had wriggled its way dating back to Christmas ’96, a was time for the last of the jumbo out from under the cereal box, napkin from a friend’s birthday jets to be stored in its final waving its feeble egg-carton party, and a vast assortment of hangar, if you know what I mean. wings in a last-ditch effort to be plastic pinkie rings. After all, I told myself, we really saved. Carrot peelings dangled But the real problem is her pho¬ can’t keep everything. accusingly from the tail. tographic memory of the loot. After making sure the kitchen “Mommmm! My airplane!” She once asked me, “Mom, do was child-free, I discreetly Adam howled. I quickly realized you know where my plastic pinkie squashed the airplane deep into I had two choices: 1) feign disbe¬ ring is that Aunt Laura gave me the trash can. As a precaution, I lief—“How did that land there?”— on my second birthday?” camouflaged it with a cereal box and resurrect the aircraft, or Gulp. “Hmm...” I muttered and a few carrot peelings. 2) explain the impracticality of thoughtfully, stalling for time. There's no sneaking a kid's "treasure" into the trash

“You know, it was in my heart- After that incident I decided on The dust bunnies under my shaped box next to the friendship a new plan: 1) wait till the kids kids’ beds will long for the com¬ bracelet Suzanne gave me last May.” are at school, 2) use a trash bag pany of a rolled-up sock or half Of course. How could I forget? separate from the kitchen one, a crayon. Worst of all, this “Umm...I think the dog ate it.” and 3) fill ’er up! mom’s trash will be painfully “Mom, we don’t have a dog!” With twisted glee, I set about ordinary—banana peels, milk “Yes, but did I mention that my task. Into the bag marched jugs, soup cans. Daddy and I are thinking of get¬ toilet-paper-tube soldiers, soggy So with a tear in my eye—born ting one?” party-favor blowers and a pink partially of defeat, but mostly of Even recycling isn’t simple plastic alligator. I strangled the sentiment—I rescued the strug¬ anymore. Adam once brought bulging bag with a knot even gling alligator from the garbage home a Styrofoam turtle he’d Houdini couldn’t untie and tossed bag. For more than a year it sat made at Bible school. We oohed it into the garage. As I patted proudly on a kitchen shelf. and aahed appropriately. A few myself on the back that Tuesday But I didn’t see it as just anoth¬ days later I encouraged the turtle morning, I failed to recognize er piece of clutter. It served as a to take a little swim in the recycle the flaw in my plan: trash pickup reminder to enjoy my children bin marked Styrofoam. Then I wasn’t for three more days. and their treasures today. Because forgot all about it. By the time Friday rolled the day will come when I’ll throw Three weeks later, off we went to around, that annoying pink alliga¬ something away, and it will the recycling center to do our part tor from Chuck E. Cheese’s had actually stay there. ▲ as responsible citizens. My kids worked a hole in the bag with its love to help dump the containers, pointy snout. Of course, I wasn’t something that turtle was appar¬ the only one to notice this, ently counting on. It waited until but you already guessed just the right moment to tattle on that. It was that preschool me as it tumbled out of our bin. radar again. “She threw me away-ay! She threw My mom has been warn¬ me away-ay,” it seemed to chant. ing me for years that this, My children stared at me in dis¬ too, shall pass. All too soon belief. There goes that Mother of I’ll have a showroom-worthy the Year Award, I thought as I refrigerator that won’t double escorted the turtle back to the car. as an art gallery. “But I have learned the value of a dollar. That’s why I’m asking you for

SlflBJZEFk A Kid’s World

I am an oral surgeon, and once I On vacation my nine-year-old My two-year-old cousin was scheduled to extract four son, Ryan, and I were at the scared us one summer by wisdom teeth from Jim, a high- pool, where two attractive young disappearing during our lakeside school football player, who had women wearing thong bikinis vacation. More than a dozen opted to be sedated for the proce¬ were sunning themselves. I relatives searched the forest and dure. As the intravenous anesthesia noticed that Ryan kept staring at shoreline, and everyone was was being administered, I asked them, but he would occasionally relieved when we found Matthew Jim how he was feeling. glance back at me. playing calmly in the woods. “Man,” he replied, struggling to When they got up to leave, “Listen to me, Matthew,” his keep his eyes open, “I feel like I’m Ryan watched them particularly mother said sharply. “From now in English class.” closely. I was bracing myself for on when you want to go some¬

- THOMAS F. KELLY, D.D.S. questions he might have when he place, you tell Mommy first, okay?” turned to me and whispered, Matthew thought about that for During our computer class, “Dad, can I take that candy bar a moment and said, “Okay. Disney the teacher chastised one those girls left behind?” World.” boy for talking to the girl sitting - PAUL DELUCA - LEAH HALLENBECK next to him. “I was just asking her a ques¬ It began as an innocent game tion,” the boy said. with my toddler son, Robert. I’d r Timeless Humor from the “If you have a question, ask get in the fighter’s stance and m me,” the teacher tersely replied. start shadowboxing. Jabbing with I was reading to my wife a newspaper report of the “Okay,” he answered. “Do you both fists, I’d say, “One-two, one- speech in which FCC chair¬ want to go out with me Friday two,” and he would imitate me man Newton N. Minow called over and over. night?” television “a vast wasteland.” - TRACY MAXWELL I never thought about the con¬ If you watch your TV set sequences of this little exercise constantly, Minow had said, On a demographics survey until my wife took our son to a “you will see a procession of given at our high school, birthday party. When the boy’s game shows, audience-partic¬ ipation shows, formula students were asked, “What mother was handing out noise- comedies about totally unbe¬ disadvantages do you see in makers she leaned over to Robert lievable families, blood and and asked, “Would you like one having children?” Usual answers thunder, mayhem, violence, included “It’s expensive to raise too?” sadism ...” kids” and “They take up a lot of It took my wife a while to My 12-year-old son, hearing your time.” explain her way out of what hap¬ part of the quotation, inter¬ But one boy was not worried pened next. rupted excitedly, "What time does that show go on, Dad?” about money or responsibility. He - ALLYN W. OWEN wrote, “If I have children, I might have to drive a minivan.”

- CHERITH DIEMERT

79 Rushing to get to the movies, my When my neighbor’s grand¬ husband and I told the kids we daughter introduced me to had to leave “right now”—at which her young son, Brian, I said to point our teenage daughter headed him, “My grandchildren call me for the bathroom to apply makeup. Mimi. Why don’t you call me Her dad yelled for her to get in the that too?” car immediately, and headed for “I don’t think so,” he retorted, the garage grumbling. and ran off after his mother. On the way to the multiplex my Later I was asked to baby-sit for husband glanced in the rearview Brian, and we hit it off wonderfully. mirror and caught our teen apply¬ As he snuggled up to me, he said, “I ing lipstick and blush, which don’t care what your grandchildren produced the predictable lecture. say. I love you, Meanie.” “Look at your mom,” he said. “She - MARILYN HAYDEN didn’t put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater.” Our teenage son, Marc, never From the back I heard, “Yeah, misses an opportunity to but Mom doesn’t need makeup.” remind us that he needs his own My heart swelling with the car. One morning as I drove him compliment, I turned back to to school, it was apparent that we thank this sweet, wonderful would be late. I asked him to daughter of mine just as she con¬ write a note, which I would sign tinued, “Nobody looks at her.” While I sat in the reception when we arrived. - DELORES BREWINGTON area of my doctor’s office, a At school, he handed me a pen woman rolled an elderly man in a and the note, which read: “Marc is Our family was dazzled by wheelchair into the room. As she late this morning due to car trou¬ the sights and the bustling went to the receptionist’s desk, the ble. The trouble is, Marc doesn’t man sat there, alone and silent. Just have his own car, and his mom crowds during a visit to as I was thinking I should make drives too slowly.”

Manhattan. "This is the small talk with him, a little boy - LAURA Z. SOWERS city that never sleeps," I slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. ince I am a busy mom of four, I told my eleven-year-old S Placing his hand on the man’s, rely on my children to help me daughter. he said, “I know how you feel. My out with everyday chores around "That's probably because mom makes me ride in the the house. One morning I was stroller too.” running around trying to get the there's a Starbucks on - STEVE ANDERSON children and myself ready, when I every corner," she observed. suddenly realized it was trash pick¬ - LINDA FOLEY up day. So I handed a bag of garbage A Kid’s World

-Timeless Humor from the to my sleepy seven-year-old son One night about 10 p.m., I m and told him to toss it in the trash answered the phone and My son, age 13, was sick in bed bin on his way out the door. heard, “Dad, we want to stay out with bronchitis, and although Glancing out my window late. Is that okay?” he showed some general moments later, I saw him wearily “Sure,” I answered, “as long as improvement, his harsh cough boarding the bus. He was carrying you called.” persisted and could be heard his backpack, his lunchbox and a When I hung up, my wife asked all over the house. Worried, too, that he was missing so big white bag of garbage. who was on the phone. much school, I went into his - LYNN PAREJKO “One of the boys,” I replied. room to see how he felt. “I gave them permission to stay There he was, propped up After years of using the same out late.” in bed, earphones on, listen¬ perfumes, I decided to try “Not our boys,” she said. “They’re ing to a baseball game—while something different and settled both downstairs in the basement.” the tape recorder coughed on and on. The next morning he on a light, citrusy fragrance. The - LAWRENCE M. WEISBERG was in school. next day I was surprised when it - JAMES S. WOODS was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, “Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!”

- TRINA MULDOON

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the cry¬ ing and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Mommy in jail.” He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, “How long would you have to stay?”

- TRINA REES

81 ears

I just realized that while chil¬ as if trying to remember where it behave like a cat owner. Put a dren are dogs—loyal and has seen you before. dish of food near the door, and let affectionate—teenagers are You, not realizing that the dog it come to you. But remember cats. It’s so easy to be a dog is now a cat, think something that a cat needs your help and owner. You feed it, train it, boss it must be desperately wrong with your affection too. Sit still, and it around. It puts its head on your it. It seems so antisocial, so dis¬ will come, seeking that warm, knee and gazes at you as if you tant, sort of depressed. It won’t comforting lap it has not entirely were a Rembrandt painting. It go on family outings. forgotten. Be there to open the bounds indoors with enthusiasm Since you’re the one who raised door for it. when you call it. it, taught it to fetch and stay and One day, your grown-up child Then, around age 13, your ador¬ sit on command, you assume that will walk into the kitchen, give ing little puppy turns into a big you did something wrong. you a big kiss and say, “You’ve old cat. When you tell it to come Flooded with guilt and fear, you been on your feet all day. Let me inside, it looks amazed, as if redouble your efforts to make get those dishes for you.” Then wondering who died and made your pet behave. you’ll realize your cat is a dog you emperor. Instead of dogging Only now you’re dealing with again. ▲ your footsteps, it disappears. a cat, so everything that worked Adair Lara is the author of Hold Me Close, You won’t see it again until it before now produces the oppo¬ Let Me Go, a memoir about raising a teenager gets hungry—then it pauses on site of the desired result. Call it, (Broadway Books) its sprint through the kitchen and it runs away. Tell it to sit, long enough to turn its nose up and it jumps on the counter. at whatever you’re serving. The more you go toward it, When you reach out to ruffle its wringing your hands, the more head, in that old affectionate it moves away. gesture, it twists away from you, Instead of continuing to act like then gives you a blank stare, a dog owner, you can learn to :•» I overheard my nine- Nothing seems to dim my dinner. 13-year-old son’s sense of During one visit, one of his year-old son on the humor. And he’s certainly not daughters told a rancher’s daugh¬ phone with a friend above being the butt of his own ter, “We’re Italian.” discussing a computer joke. Shortly after he was diag¬ Somewhat confused, the little nosed with attention deficit girl replied, “We’re Ranch.” simulation game. The disorder (ADD), he threw this at - DOUGLAS STANGE game involved creating me: “Hey Dad—how many ADD a family, a house for children does it take to change a Recently I was grading history lightbulb?” tests for my fourth-graders. them to live in, and so “I give up,” I said. I’d included an extra-credit ques¬ on. My son, an old hand “Let’s go ride our bikes.” tion: “List up to five good facts - RICHARD HURD about Abraham Lincoln.” at the game, gave this One of my D students sur¬ warning: "Whatever you Don’t ever pay a surprise visit prised me with this one: “After do, don't get kids. They to a child in college. You the war ended, Lincoln took his might be the one getting the sur¬ wife to a show.” don't bring in any money, prise. I learned this the hard way - SHARON CLANTON and all they do is eat." when I swung by my son’s campus - NICOLE KAULING during a business trip. Locating A teacher friend of my wife was what I thought was his fraternity discussing compound nouns When I bought my new Lexus house, I rang the doorbell. “Yeah?” with her class. “They’re made up Sport Coupe, my two sons a voice called from inside. of two or more words,” she asked me who would inherit it if I “Does Dylan Houseman live explained. “For example, town- met my demise. I pondered the here?” house or boxcar. Can anyone question, then told them if I passed “Yup,” the voice answered. think of another one?” away on an even day, the son born “Leave him on the front porch. One boy raised his hand and on an even day would get it. If it We’ll drag him in later.” offered, “Asphalt.” happened on an odd day, the one - JERICHO HOUSEMAN - JOSEPH R. VER BERG born on the odd day would get it. -Timeless Humor from the ^ A few weekends later, while My doctor friend moved his river rafting with one of my sons, family to a small town in After his first day back at I was tossed out of the boat. As I Montana. An Italian American school in the fall, I asked my son if the high-school stu¬ floated in the rapids, I heard my raised in Philadelphia, he wanted dents were wearing anything son yelling, “It’s the wrong day!” his kids to enjoy the benefits of new. “Well,” he replied, “a lot - GREG ZARET clean air and the outdoors. The of the fellows are showing up locals were thrilled to have a doc¬ in see-through mustaches.”

tor of their own, and were always - BEATRICE W. COLVIN inviting him and his family over for A Kid’s World

We live less than a quarter- The day before my graduation A friend of mine has an adopted mile from the high school, from Soldan High School in son who, at six-foot-one, but my son proudly drove there in St. Louis, the principal called an loves to play basketball. The boy a car he bought with his own assembly. He wanted to say was applying to basketball camp, money. A typical first car, it had farewell informally, he explained, and a section of the application lots of little problems and was as he reviewed our years together. called for him to write a brief sometimes slow to start. There was hardly a dry eye essay about himself. My friend got One morning I was surprised to among us as he concluded, a lump in his throat as he read his see it still in front of the house, so “We will remember you, and hope son’s words: “Most of all I am after school I asked him about it. you will remember us; more thankful that I am adopted...” “I had to get to school early,” he importantly, we want you to Then my friend got a cold dose said, “so I just ran.” remember each other. I want all of reality as he continued:

- DENNIS DIGGES of you to meet in this very audito¬ “because my dad is so short.” rium 25 years from today.” - RALPH G. LOCKERBIE My sister was busy getting There was a moment of ready to host our entire silence; then a thin voice piped family for Easter. On her to-do list up, “What time?” was a hair appointment for her - MARVIN J. FRIEDE daughter. “So, Katie,” said the styl¬ ist as the little girl got up in the chair, “who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?” Katie replied, “I think it’s my uncle Brian.”

- MARSHA ECKERMAN

At the beginning of my junior year at Russellville High School in Arkansas, our home¬ room teacher had us fill out a form stating our future goals. Out of curiosity, I leaned over to see what my friend put down for her aspirations. Where it read “Vocational Plans,” she had written, “Florida.”

- CRYSTAL BRUCE

85 Do Kids Know What and why won't they tell us? ^ BY JERRY ZEZIMA -

In my children’s eyes, I’m an played at decibel levels high say: “Great!” When they asked out-of-touch old fogy, enough to blow out windows, so what I did in school, I would pathetically ill-informed your child may not be ignoring respond: “Stuff.” When they asked about today’s youth. I would you. He or she may simply be deaf. if I had any homework, I feel tremendous guilt about this Still, it’s alarming to know that answered: “No.” except for one thing: Today’s teen¬ even though everything is “fine,” I lied, of course, but at least I agers know even less about what’s absolutely “nothing” happens in lied creatively. And I always made going on in their lives than I do. school. If this pattern continues it sound as if I were actually I base this belief on the follow¬ for 20 or 30 years, when our kids doing something, worthless ing conversation, which takes are the leaders of this country, we though it often was. I never said: place in thousands of American may hear this: “I don’t know.” homes every day: Reporter: Mr. President, how Another irritating response Parent: How was school today? did the summit go today? today’s parents get is: “Nobody.” Child: Fine. President: Fine. For example, if the phone rings Parent: What did you do? Reporter: What did you discuss? and your teenager answers it and Child: Nothing. President: Nothing. stays on the line for 45 minutes Parent: Do you have any home¬ Reporter: Does this mean that and eventually, perhaps because work? the world is on the brink of of a house fire, has to hang up, Child: I don’t know. nuclear disaster? and you ask who called, the Ask your child about any subject President: I don’t know. response you will almost always directly involving him or her and How can our kids have absolute¬ get is: “Nobody.” you’ll get one of three responses: ly no idea what’s going on in their And the really scary part is that (a) “Fine,” (b) “Nothing,” (c) “I lives? In recent weeks I’ve asked your child’s friend will say the don’t know.” my daughters the following sim¬ same thing to his or her parents If your child is in a particularly ple questions: What time does when they ask the same question. talkative mood, and by some mir¬ your field hockey game start? Maybe that’s why some people acle is not on the phone, you’ll get How are you getting home from grow up to be nobodies. all three. Otherwise, your mere exis¬ school? How are you? Who are you? All I can say, parents, is that if tence will be deemed too annoying Each time, the response has you want to find out what’s going to acknowledge, in which case your been: “I don’t know.” on in your children’s lives and child will pretend not to hear you. When I was a kid, things were you expect to get more than three Besides, kids are always listen¬ different. If my parents asked me words out of them, call them on ing to mind-numbing music how school was, I would always the telephone. ▲ QUOTABLE QUOTES

Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment.

DOUG LARSON, United Feature Syndicate

No matter how If pregnancy were a book, they old a mother is, would cut the last two chapters.

she watches her NORA EPHRON, Heartburn (Knopf) middle-aged children for signs Without enough sleep, we all of improvement. become tall two-year-olds. I FLORIDA SCOTT-MAXWELL, The Measure of My Days (Knopf) JOJO JENSON, Dirt Farmer Wisdom (Red Wheel) 1 1 You know your 1 Like all parents, my husband and I just do the I best we can, and hold our breath and hope we’ve kids are growing 1 set aside enough money for our kids’ therapy. up when they I MICHELLE PFEIFFER stop asking you where they came When it comes to raising children, 1 from and refuse 1 I believe in give and take. to tell you where 1 I give orders and they take ’em. they’re going. - BERNIE MAC in People I P. J. O’ROURKE in First for Women I i I There's an upside to grandparenthood. I You play, you give, you love, then you hand i them back and go to an early movie. 1 — BILLY CRYSTAL in Good Housekeeping I 1 I* 0 argued a lot and then made up to show children how to resolve conflicts and stay friends. While watching this report, my wife, Donna, noticed that our seven-year-old daughter was also listening. As Donna struggled to come up with an explanation for the term “gay,” our crestfallen daughter said in dismay, “They’re puppets?”

- BILL DOERING

“It’s hard to believe that in just a few weeks, I’ll be refusing to eat it.” As she slid behind the wheel for her first driving lesson, Being a teenager and getting a Visiting his parents’ retirement my daughter couldn’t contain her tattoo seem to go hand and village in Florida, my middle- excitement. “You need to make hand these days. I wasn’t sur¬ aged friend, Tim, went for a swim adjustments so the car is comfort¬ prised when one of my daughter’s in the community pool while his able for you, the driver,” I began. friends showed me a delicate little elderly father took a walk. Tim “Now, what’s the first thing you Japanese symbol on her hip. “Please struck up a conversation with the should do?” don’t tell my parents,” she begged. only other person in the pool, a “Change the radio station,” “I won’t,” I promised. “By the five-year-old boy. After a while, she said. way, what does that stand for?” Tim’s father returned from his walk - RHONDA BUCALO “Honesty,” she said. and called out, “I’m ready to leave.” - LINDA SINGER Tim then turned to his new While doing renovations in friend and announced that he had our house, one of the work¬ Blood may be thicker than to leave because his father was men paused to look at a flattering water, but baseball beats them calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed photo of me wearing makeup and both. I learned this after explain¬ little boy cried, “You’re a kid?” a fancy gown. I heard him let out ing to my two boys that they were - JANICE PALKO a low whistle and ask my son, half-Lithuanian on their father’s Joshua, “Who’s that?” side, and half-Yankee, meaning ne night our local newscaster “That’s my mom,” Joshua their other set of parents came was reading about an allega¬ answered. from an old New England family. tion that two Sesame Street “Wow,” the man said, “my My younger son looked wor¬ characters, Bert and Ernie, were mother doesn’t look like that.” ried. “But we’re still a hundred gay. The show’s producer refuted “Yeah,” my son said, “well, percent Red Sox, right, Mom?” this, pointing out that they were neither does mine.”

- GAVLA BIEKSHA only puppets, not humans. They - TAMMY L. VITULANO A Kid’s World

My sister had been ill, so I Preparing my son for his first I am a first-grade teacher and a called to see how she was day of kindergarten, we were new empty nester. One night I doing. My ten-year-old niece reviewing numbers and counting. was trying out an art project: mak¬ answered the phone. “Hello,” she Suddenly he asked, “What is the ing a person with simple materials. whispered. biggest number in the world?” I took a coat hanger, attached a “Hi, honey. How’s your moth¬ As briefly as possible, I tried to paper-plate face, put a shirt on the er?” I asked. explain the concept of infinity. I hanger and stuffed it. Then I sat it “She’s sleeping,” she answered, thought I had done pretty well, on the couch to see how it looked. again in a whisper. but then he said, “Dad, what num¬ Later that evening my son “Did she go to the doctor?” ber comes just before infinity?” walked in the door, home for a

“Yes. She got some medicine,” - SHAWN FOSTER surprise visit. Taking one look at my niece said softly. my coat-hanger friend sitting on “Well, don’t wake her up. Just For years I had been telling my the couch, he said, “Mom, it’s not tell her I called. What are you friend Pete that he ate too that bad, is it?” doing, by the way?” much fast food, but he always - LINDA ADAMS Again in a soft whisper, she denied it. One day he admitted I answered, “Practicing my trumpet.” was right.

- SHARRON DISBRO “What changed your mind?” As my five-year-old son and I “My grandson. When were heading to McDonald’s my daughter told him one day, we passed a car accident. I was coming to Usually when we see something visit, he asked, terrible like that, we say a prayer ‘Grandpa from for whoever might be hurt, so I Florida, or pointed and said to my son, “We Grandpa from should pray.” Pizza Hut?’ ” From the back seat I heard his - STEVE FRANK earnest voice: “Dear God, please don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

- SHERRI LEARD

“Go ask your mother.”

I was teaching a lifc-skifs class to my high school students one day, and we were discussing the various terms one might encounter in a restaurant. I asked, “What does the phrase ‘a la carte’ mean?” “It means,” a student said, “you’re in the wrong restaurant.”

- ALBERT T. GRANDE oys pupate at around age Our decision to tell him the truth “We want to explain it to you,” J 15,” my older son, Zeb, about where babies come from Melanie said, “so that if kids try to said matter-of-factly was a direct result of the mutant tell you something crazy at ^ one day after school. facts that Melanie and I had been school, you’ll know the truth.” “They what?” I asked. given as kids. Then, slowly, she turned to me. “Pupate,” he said. “Your voice We told our younger son, “Bret?” changes. You get hair.” He paused. Jake, seven, he could watch TV I took a breath, swallowed and “A lady from the medical school in our bedroom, a treat that turned to Zeb. talked to our class today.” would assure our privacy in the He put his hands up to his ears It was then I remembered that kitchen. Then we got out our and covered them. the month before, he’d come copy of ABC’s of the Human Body I remember looking at my mom home and told us about metamor¬ and had Zeb sit with us at the one night during dinner and ask¬ phosis in butterflies, the whole kitchen table. ing flat out, “Where do babies business of worms turning into “There are some things we want come from?” This must have been miraculous flying creatures. you to know about before you start in fourth grade, right about the Holding back laughter, I said, school this fall,” Melanie said. time I picked up the facts of life “You mean puberty.” Zeb crossed his arms and “on the street.” I’ll never forget “Yeah,” he replied, shrugging, looked at us with the level stare my dad’s reaction. “that’s it.” he employs when he suspects “Hey!” he shouted, leaning “Pupate,” I said. “That’s good.” trouble: eyes half-closed, lower toward me, a fork in one hand, “Actually,” my wife, Melanie, jaw jutting forward. a knife in the other. “Don’t talk added, “that’s a pretty good idea “Do you know where babies like that!” of what happens.” come from?” Melanie went on. I am not kidding. That’s what Zeb, at ten, knows more about “Yes,” he said too quickly. “I he said. sex than I did at his age. I am cer¬ know.” He held his arms tighter. Mom defended me, saying, “He tain of this because Melanie and I “Where?” I asked. I smiled, try¬ just asked.” took it upon ourselves to have ing hard to soften what sounded Dad sat straight in his chair. We The Talk with Zeb the summer like a cross-examination. four children were looking at him, before he started fourth grade. He shrugged. waiting. Then he put his fork and

90 Q

A defining moment of parenthood had arrived.

knife to the pork chop on his out. “Good. That’s good.” Then he Now Zeb knows the truth. At plate. “Well, this isn’t the time or laughed. It was a nice, solid laugh, a least—and at best—both his mom the place. It’s rude.” kind of laugh I hadn’t heard before. and dad have had a hand in how I wouldn’t get The Talk for That was The Talk for me, the he came to find out. another four years. By that time one everyone either gets or doesn’t The mystery of it all is still some friends and I had built a fort get. I got one, but it gave me noth¬ revealing itself to me, here in my where we huddled and joked about ing, only a glimpse of my dad own marriage. One evening we creased pages torn out of Playboy. without armor, defenseless. were in the van, backing down Then one day Mom suddenly Zeb surrendered his hands from the driveway. said, “You and your father need to his ears once we brought out the “Wait,” Melanie said, “my sun¬ have a talk.” Dad looked at her, diagrams and photos, his eyes glasses.” I stopped; she climbed out swallowed and said to me, “All wide open, taking in the images. and headed toward the front door. right, let’s go,” then headed down I don’t remember what we said, There was something about the the hall toward their bedroom. but the words lined up in a sem¬ way her hair fell, something about He sat down on the bed. His blance of factual order. the back of her neck, that made eyes hadn’t yet met mine. He put Zeb finally started laughing. me say, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” his hands on his thighs, lifted It was laughter like what my dad The boys were quiet behind me. them, let them drop. “Well,” he had shared with me: laughter Finally Zeb said, “Yeah.” said. “Okay.” of relief about this whole huge Then came Jake’s voice: I had him in a way I’d never mystery—sex. “Flubba-hubba,” he said. I turned known before: powerless, stunned. We finished off this astonishing around and looked at him. He was So, to make matters worse, I said, set of facts by revealing to Zeb the grinning. “Ooh, baby,” he said. “Go ahead. I’m listening.” greater truth behind it all: that “Where’d you hear that?” I He looked at me. “Well, what do this is all a result of love and asked, trying not to laugh. you want to know?” respect. We told him this is part “My friend Garrett,” Jake said, I shrugged, then let the question of what it means to be a husband still grinning. “He says that all the hang in the air a few moments and wife. Sex is a sacred act, a gift time about Sarah and Elizabeth.” before saying, “I already know.” from God, carried out after love has I shook my head. One down, “Okay,” he said, and breathed been secured through marriage. one to go. ▲

91 Football players at the high While driving on the highway, school where I worked were my daughter noticed a child stealing the practice jerseys, so in the window of a car in the next the coach ordered a set with lane, holding up a handwritten “Property of Central High School” Thinking his son sign that read “Help.” emblazoned on them. When the A few minutes later, the car thefts continued, he ordered a would enjoy seeing the passed her and she again glanced new batch that had the imprint reenactment of a Civil at it. The little boy held up the “Stolen From Central High same sign and this time followed School.” But the jerseys still kept War battle, my niece’s it with another, which read “My disappearing. mother is singing!” The larceny finally stopped husband took the boy, - LIL GIBSON after he changed the wording to Will, to the event. “Central High School 4th String.” The board of education in a - HAL OLSEN But the poor child was nearby town sold off a build¬ ing that had been a one-room When my daughter was little, terrified by the boom¬ schoolhouse. The buyer convert¬ we took a vacation to ed it to a tavern. One day an Florida. Seated on the airplane ing cannons. During a elderly man was walking by the near the wing, I pointed out to place with his grandson and Rhonda that we were above the lull, Will’s dad finally pointed to the building. ocean. “Can you see the water?” I got him calmed down. “That’s where I went to school asked her. when I was your age.” “No,” she said, peering out the “Really,” said the boy. “Who was window at the wing, “but I can That’s when the your bartender back then?”

see the diving board.” - DUANE SMITH

- REBECCA RICCI Confederate general hollered, It was the first day of basketball My husband, a big-time sports practice at Wingate high school fan, was watching a football “Fire at Will!” in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack game with our grandchildren. He Kaminer handed a ball to each had just turned 75 and was feeling player. “Fellas,” he said, “I want Betty Amraar a little wistful. “You know,” he you to practice shooting from the said to our grandson, Nick, “it’s spots you might expect to be in not easy getting old. I guess Fm in during the game.” the fourth quarter now.” The No. 12 sub immediately sat “Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Nick down on the bench and began said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go arcing the ball toward the basket.

into overtime.” - HERMAN L. MASIN

- EVELYN BREDLEAU

92 A Kid’s World

On our way to my parents’ After registering for his high My cooking has always been house for dinner one school classes, my son burst the target of family jokes. evening, I glanced over at my 15- into the house, filled with excite¬ One evening, as I prepared dinner year-old daughter. “Isn’t that skirt ment. “Dad,” he announced in a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled a bit short?” I asked. She rolled one breath, “I got all the classes with smoke and the smoke detec¬ her eyes at my comment and gave I wanted. But I have to have my tor went off. Although both of my me one of those “Oh, Mom” looks. school supplies by tomorrow. I children had received fire-safety When we arrived at my folks’ need a protractor and a compass training at school, they did not place, my mother greeted us at for geometry, a dictionary for respond to the alarm. Annoyed, I the door, hugged my daughter, English, a dissecting kit for stormed through the house in then turned to me and said, biology—and a car for driver’s ed.” search of them. I found them in the

“Elizabeth! Don’t you think that - JIM TIMMONS bathroom, washing their hands. blouse is awfully low-cut?” Over the loud buzzing of the

- ELIZABETH SCOTT smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound. “It’s the smoke detector,” they replied in unison. “Do you know what that sound means?” I demanded. “Sure,” my oldest replied. “Dinner’s ready.”

- DEBI CHRISTENSEN

-Timeless Humor from the ^ ^J|/ <

Toward the end of the school year, the sixth-grade teachers decide which of their students should be accelerated in cer¬ tain subjects in the seventh grade. When a child is chosen, his parents are notified. When one boy was accelerated in science and math, his mother wrote to the teacher: “I think this is quite an honor for someone who just tried to make two quarts of lemonade in a one-quart pitcher!”

- MRS. MARVIN PADNICK

“Do you win every time?”

93 I had finished my Christmas My husband and I both work, I was having lunch with my shopping early and had so our family eats out a lot. daughter Rachel, who’s three, wrapped all the presents. Having Recently, when we were having a at our local mall and was feeling two curious children, I had to find rare home-cooked meal, I handed particularly macho for a 46-year- a suitable hiding place. I chose an a glass to my three-year-old and old. All morning, women had ideal spot—the furnace room. I told her to drink her milk. been smiling at me and giving me stacked the presents and covered She looked at me bewildered and the eye. them with a blanket, positive replied, “But I didn’t order milk.” Getting up to leave the table, I they’d remain undiscovered. - JANET A. NUSSBAUM ran my fingers through my hair— When I went to get the gifts to and discovered two yellow-ducky put them under the tree, I lifted One of my fourth graders barrettes that had been lovingly the blanket and there, stacked asked my teacher’s assistant, placed there hours before. neatly on top of my gifts, were “How old are you, Mrs. Glass?” - PAUL J. MEYER presents addressed to “Mom and “You should never ask an Dad, From the Kids.” adult’s age,” I broke in. My mother was away all - LORALIE LONG “That’s okay,” Harriett said weekend at a business con¬ smiling. “I’m fifty.” ference. During a break, she As I was nursing my baby, my “Wow, you don’t look that old,” decided to call home collect. My cousin’s six-year-old daugh¬ the boy said. I was breathing a six-year-old brother picked up the ter, Krissy, came into the room. sigh of relief when another child phone and heard a stranger’s Never having seen anyone breast¬ chimed in, “Parts of her do.” voice say, “We have a Marcia on feed before, she was intrigued and - KATHERINE NORGARD the line. Will you accept the full of all kinds of questions about charges?” what I was doing. Frantic, he dropped the After mulling over my f receiver and came answers, she remarked, charging outside “My mom has some of a L screaming, “Dad! those, but I don’t think They’ve got Mom! And she knows how to use A JA they want money!” them.” - RODNEY HOWELL

- LOIS SINGER fittS

“I remind you that my client is nice until proven naughty.' m Here are the verbal flubs, social garres, ana nx-it nascos we love to lauah at—as Iona as thev're not ours.

Dumb and Dumber

My wife received a credit-card During our church service one Calling for information about application in the mail that Sunday, a parishioner was one of my credit cards, I got she had not requested. She didn’t speaking about an emotionally the following recorded prompt: want it, but I did. So I crossed off charged topic and had trouble con¬ “Please enter your account num¬ my wife’s name on the form, trolling her tears. Finishing her ber as it appears on your card or entered my own and returned the remarks, she told the congregation, statement.” application. I soon got a phone “I apologize for crying so much. I did as instructed, and the call from a woman saying my I’m usually not such a big boob.” system said, “Please enter your application had been rejected. The bishop rose to close the five-digit ZIP code.” I asked her why, and she told session and remarked, “That’s After I put that in, I got a third me the card could only be issued okay. We like big boobs.” message: “If you would like your to the person originally solicited - L.S. information in English, press one.” by the offer. However, she invited - MICHELLE GOLF me to reapply, which I did during My family was in a celebrating the same telephone call. mood, so we decided to go A few days later I got another out to a fancy steakhouse. As our -Timeless Humor from the 60’ call to tell me my second applica¬ waiter stood there ready to take As a salesman, I was searching tion had been rejected. our orders, I was caught up listen¬ for a certain company in unfa¬ ing to the background music that Why? The woman told me miliar territory. I came to a their files showed that I had pre¬ was piped into the restaurant. likely-looking road marked viously applied for a card and had “What CD is this?” I asked him. with a small red sign reading: been denied. Apparently my East Texas Industrial Center. I was not

- SANFORD P. BLANK accent confused him, because certain that this was the right he leaned over and answered, road, so I drove back to a gas station to inquire. hen the skipper of an “Fort Worth.” W The attendant took my arm Icelandic trawler acciden¬ - JULIE A. FOLGER and pointed to the sign that I tally rammed Englishman Jim had just read, now barely dis¬ Hughes’s yacht, he caused $30,000 On vacation in Hawaii, my step- cernible in the distance. “See worth of damage. Exactly a year mom, Sandy, called a cafe to that little sign about three and a day before, reported the make reservations for 7 p.m. Check¬ blocks away?” he asked. “You mean the red one London Times, the skipper, Eriker ing her book, the cheery young that says industrial center?” Olafsson, had hit the same boat, hostess said, “I’m sorry, all we I asked. causing $40,000 in damage. have is 6:45. Would you like that?” “Man!” he exclaimed. What are the odds of this hap¬ “That’s fine,” Sandy said. "You've got eyes like an eagle!"

pening twice? Pretty good, since “Okay,” the woman confirmed. - EDWARD M. LONGAN Olafsson purposely steered Then she added, “Just be advised toward Hughes to apologize for you may have to wait 15 minutes the previous year’s collision. for your table.”

- KIRSTY SCOTT - KELLY FINNEGAN

97 My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fum¬ bling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall. “Honey!” he called excitedly. “Come see what I found!” I ran in and quickly real¬ ized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.

-NOLA PIRART

It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines count¬ “It says, ‘Separate two eggs.’ Is that far enough?” er, including, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” When I moved to California, I y mother, a meticulous “If it was put there without my was a nervous wreck about housekeeper, often lectured knowledge,” I asked, “how would earthquakes. My friend Linda, my father about tracking dirt into I know?” who was born and raised there, the house. One day he came in to The agent behind the counter was completely blase. I remember find her furiously scrubbing away smiled smugly. “That’s why we ask.” once when we pulled up to a light, at a spot on the floor and launch¬ - KATE VETTER her Honda began to shake. ing into a lecture. “I don’t know She looked worried until I what you’ve brought in,” she said, stammered, “I think that we’re “but I can’t seem to get this out.” o 00 having an earthquake.” He studied the situation for a ro Sign in front of golf 3 “Thank goodness,” Linda said. moment and, without a word, 00 shop in Fairhope, Ala.: £ “I thought something was wrong moved a figurine on the window¬ JS "Golf Balls the with my car.” sill where the sun was streaming in. £ - DYAN ARNOLD bp Size of Hail." The spot immediately disappeared. c/> - MICHELE DONNELLY - EMILY W1RTES

98 Dumb and Dumber

During weekly visits to my While rummaging through One day while at the allergist, I’ve noticed a lot of her attic, my friend Kathryn inattentive parents with ill- found an old shotgun. Unsure about doctor's office, the behaved children in the waiting how to dispose of it, she called receptionist called me room. So I was impressed one day her parents. “Take it to the police to the desk to update to see a mother with her little boy, station,” her mother suggested. helping him sound out the words My friend was about to hang up my personal file. Before on a sign. when her mother added, “And I had a chance to tell her Finally he mastered it and his Kathryn?” that all the information mother cheered, “That’s great! “Yes, Mom?” Now sit there. I’ll be back in “Call first.” she had was still correct, 15 minutes.” - KAREN WHEDON she asked, "Has your What did the sign say? “Children birth date changed?” must not be left unattended.” An unintentional double - MARGARET FREESE - DARLENE HOVEL entendre, from the Piedmont Shopper, in Danville, Virginia: On my way to a picnic, I “Mixing bowl set designed to Dining out one evening, I stopped at a fast food place please a cook with round bottom noticed some teenagers cele¬ to order a quart of potato salad. for efficient beating.” brating at a nearby table. When

“We don’t sell it by the quart,” the - C.P. LEWIS one girl pulled out a cam¬ clerk snapped. era, I offered to take a “Okay, then give me two picture of the group. pints, please,” I replied. After one photo, I I’m proud to say I held suggested taking my tongue when she another just in case asked, “Do you want it in the first one didn’t one container?” come out.

- JULIE GUITERREZ “Oh, no, that’s okay,” she said, as An aching back sent she took back her me stumbling to the camera. “I always get drugstore for relief. After double prints.” a search I found what I - DEANNA GUY was looking for: a selec¬ tion of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.

- KATHERINE JOHNSON ‘Reservations? No, we definitely want to eat here.”

99 A Lineup of Fumbling Felons,

Police work, like any other all the money in the drawer, and the to supplement his income by rob¬ stressful profession, is full man was out the door in a flash. He bing a 7-Eleven store. He wore a ski of moments when situa¬ seemed to have pulled off the rob¬ mask and made his voice deep as he tions take a turn toward the bery with flawless precision. ordered, “Give me all the money.” absurd. Here are a few criminals Except for one thing. He had writ¬ Staring, the clerk handed it over. who, through selfishness, ignorance ten the note on the back of a letter When the police arrived, they asked or greed, proved themselves not just from his probation officer—complete the 7-Eleven employee to describe the dumb, but dumber: with his own name and address. robber. “He was wearing a ski mask,” Positive ID. “We got a call that a Right on His Heels. Outside said the clerk, “and a blue mainte¬ woman’s purse had been stolen,” Lawrence, Kan., an all-night market nance uniform.” On the front of the recalls Det. Chris Stewart of had just been robbed. Police units uniform were the name of an apart¬ Brunswick, Ga. “A short time later in the area responded quickly to the ment house and the man’s name. we saw a man who fit the descrip¬ alarm, but the fleeing thief wasn’t The two officers looked at each tion the victim gave us. So we worried. It was dark, he was a fast other. Surely not. But when they picked him up and took him back to runner, and he knew the neighbor¬ appeared at the maintenance man’s the scene of the crime.” hood like the back of his hand. apartment, he hadn’t even changed Stewart explained to the suspect It didn’t take long for the thief to clothes. The ski mask? In his back that when they arrived he was to exit leave the first pair of officers behind. pocket. The money? In his front the vehicle and face the victim for a But more officers joined in the pocket. positive ID. The suspect did exactly chase. Each time the frustrated sus¬ Winner Loses. When the woman as he had been told. He stepped from pect would elude one pursuer, he hit the California state lottery for the car, looked at the victim and would be spotted by another, until he thousands, she was thrilled. It blurted out, “Yeah, that’s her! That’s was finally captured. seemed things were really looking the woman I robbed.” He really hadn’t been hard to find. up. Her picture appeared in the Run of Bad Luck. When the rob¬ Pursuing officers had simply fol¬ local newspaper, and people on the ber from Pensacola, Fla., entered a lowed the red lights on his street recognized her. Unfortunately liquor store to hold it up, he found heels—the ones that blinked on and for her, so did the police. A local too many people around. So he off every time his high-tech running cop remembered her as the woman switched to Plan B. Fishing in his shoes hit the ground. wanted by authorities on an eight- pocket for a piece of paper, he Clothes Make the Man. One day month-old shoplifting warrant. scrawled a note demanding money. an apartment-complex maintenance Some of the money she had just The cashier quickly handed over man in Virginia Beach, Va., decided won went toward paying her fine. ▲

100

My wife and I were having I was getting After I asked for a half-pound lunch at a fashionable eatery trout fillet at my supermar¬ in Annapolis when we noticed into my car when ket’s seafood counter, the clerk what looked like a familiar face I noticed a dent. picked one out of a pile and set it at the next table. Screwing up On the windshield on the scale. It weighed precisely my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. eight ounces. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, was a note and a Impressed, I asked, “How did the former White House press phone number from you know?” secretary?” the driver. Looking pleased with himself, “Yes, I am,” he acknowledged, he declared, “I’m psychotic.” and graciously interrupted his “I feel terrible,” the - GLADYS HOCUTT lunch to talk to us. woman apologized As we were leaving the restau¬ when I called. While on the freeway in Los rant, I remarked to the hostess, Angeles, I was behind a “Do you know you have Marlin “I hit your car as I pack of cars. The last driver was Fitzwater on the terrace?” was pulling into the on the phone and drifting all over “I’m not sure about that,” she the road. This did not escape the replied, “but we have Perrier and next parking spot.” attention of a California Highway Evian at the bar.” Patrol officer, who snuck up

- BRUCE F. HENDERSON “Please, don’t worry,” behind her and said over his loud¬ I said to her. speaker, “If you can’t stay in your Sometime around two in “I’m sure our insur¬ lane while on the phone, pull over the morning our phone rang, until the call is completed.” waking us out of a sound sleep. ance companies Immediately eight cars pulled “Wrong number,” my husband will take care of over. growled and slammed down - GREG ASH the receiver. everything.” A few minutes later it rang I was preparing to teach a col¬ again. I heard him say, “One with “Thank you for your lege course on the history of pepperoni and extra cheese and understanding,” she movie censorship and went to the one with sausage. Pick up in 20 library to take out films that had minutes.” said. “You’re so been censored. “Do you have any “What was that?” I asked. much nicer than banned movies in your collec¬ “I took his order. Now we can the man I hit on the tion?” I asked the librarian. sleep.” “Oh yes,” she answered. “We - JACKIE HUTH way out.” have some really good ones. What would you like: Tomy Dorsey? Laurie Payne Glenn Miller?”

- PAUL H. STACY

102 Dumb and Dumber

The first day at my new health club I asked the girl at the front desk, "I like to exercise after work. What are your hours?” "Our club is open 24/7," she told me excitedly, "Monday through Saturday."

Stormy weather diverted our me one day about having to make My mother is always trying to Dallas-bound flight to another a 60-mile round trip to get his understand what motivates airport. As we approached the favorite brand of bourbon. “I buy people, especially those in her runway, the pilot came on the it by the case,” he said. family. One day she and my sister intercom: “For those of you who “Are you addicted to that stuff?” were talking about one relative’s are not familiar with the area, this I asked. bad luck. “Why do you suppose is Lubbock, Texas.” Robert thought for a second. “I she changed jobs?” Mother asked Then he paused. “And for those don’t know. I’ve never run out.” my sister. “Maybe she has a sub¬

of you who are familiar with this - RICK WORKMAN conscious desire not to succeed.” area, I think this is Lubbock, Texas.” “Or maybe it just happened,”

- DARRELL BURTON or my grandmother’s 80th said my sister, exasperated. “Do birthday, we had a huge family you know you analyze everything No one is more cautious than a celebration and even managed to to death?” first-time parent. After our get a photo announcement print¬ Mother was silent for a daughter was big enough to ride ed in the local paper. “That was a moment. “That’s true,” she said. on the back of my bicycle, I nice shot,” I commented. “Why do you think I do that?” bought a special carrier with a “It’s my passport picture,” she - BOBBIE S. CYPHERS seat belt and got her a little hel¬ revealed. met. The day of the first ride I put “Really?” I stared her in the seat, double-checked all in amazement at the equipment, wheeled the bike my homebody to the end of the driveway, care¬ grandma. “Where fully looked both ways and, did you go?” swinging my leg up over the “Walgreens,” crossbar, accidentally kicked her she replied. in the chin. - KAREN THOMPSON

- ZACHARY GIBBS

Living in a dry county was the bane of my friend Robert’s existence. He was complaining to

103 Famous faux pas recounted by a best-selling author who knows how it feels to... Open Mouth, '““Foot 66 f ^ ood to see you again,” much the human race may dress who once attended a fancy-dress M ’I greeted the gentle- itself up, you still cannot take it ball in Newport, R.I. At the door, ■ man, a family friend, out. But what could be more sat¬ it is said, she whispered to the one of America’s isfying than the high and mighty butler the theme of her costume: premier entrepreneurs. It had brought low by a real stinker of “A Norman peasant.” The major- been a while. “How’s your wife?” a faux pas? Such was the balm I domo thundered aloud to the He kept the friendly grin, but I sought after my own disaster, as assembled crowd in the hall: caught a quick shadow. “She died I set out to collect faux pas. “An enormous pheasant.” three years ago,” he said. Then there’s Dr. Freud’s Where do you go from there? Two Pickets to Where? eponymous slip of the tongue— The weather? I made my way to Pundit Michael Kinsley’s defini¬ that awkward moment when the men’s room and banged my tion of a gaffe is “when a politician the id crawls up your esophagus head against the tiles. accidentally speaks the truth.” At and bellows your secret across Faux pas, the phrase for these the 1980 Democratic Convention, the room. embarrassments, is from the Jimmy Carter extolled the windy My favorite Freudian slip French for “false step.” It’s not a former Vice President Hubert story is the man who went to phrase that one hears much any¬ Horatio Humphrey as “Hubert the train station to buy tickets more, and more’s the pity. The Horatio Hornblower.” to Pittsburgh. “The ticket agent,” moment homo became erectus, he Another slip of the tongue is he said, “had an amazing figure, started stepping in it, and he has the Unfortunate Mispronunciation. and when I got to the counter, been at it ever since. Consider the story of the wealthy I asked her for ‘two pickets Faux pas remind us that however socialite Mrs. Stuyvesant Fish, to Tittsburgh.’ ”

104 ► BY CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY

Royal Oops bibulously leaving a smart restau¬ still be a state anthem and not a One of Queen Elizabeth’s sub¬ rant one night, saw a uniformed waltz. And third, were this a jects recently made tabloid man, assumed he was the door¬ ball and not a reception and were headlines by not curtsying to her. man and instructed him to call a that a waltz and not a state The offender was the scantily cab. The man starchily replied, “I anthem, I would still be the clad Geri Halliwell, at the time happen to be a rear admiral in the Cardinal Archbishop.” Ginger of the Spice Girls. But U.S. Navy.” How appearances deceive. Americans and royalty do not “In that case,” said Benchley, The only thing more satisfying necessarily agree on what consti¬ “get me a battleship.” than a faux pas is a good recov¬ tutes a faux pas. In 1981 U.S. Chief Costumes can lead to confu¬ ery. Actor David Niven was once of Protocol Leonore Annenberg sion. At a diplomatic reception he at a fancy ball, standing at the created a sensation by curtsying attended in the 1960s—some say bottom of a grand staircase, talk¬ to Prince Charles when she wel¬ in Vienna, others say in Brazil— ing to a man he had just met. Two comed him officially to the British Foreign Minister George women at the top of the stairs United States. Mrs. Annenberg, a Brown had apparently enjoyed began to descend. gracious woman, was only trying his wine. When he heard the Niven said to the man, “That’s to be courteous. The problem orchestra strike up a tune, he the ugliest woman I’ve ever was that America had fought a turned to an exquisite creature in seen.” war two centuries earlier precisely scarlet beside him and asked, The man stiffened. “That’s my to win the privilege of not bowing “Madame, may we dance?” wife.” or scraping before royalty. The exquisite creature in scar¬ “I meant the other one.” let is said to have replied in “That’s my daughter.” “Madame, May We Dance?” perfect English, “No, Mr. Brown, Niven looked the man calmly in Then there is the Department of for three reasons. First, this is a the eye and said, “I didn’t say it!” Unfortunate Misunderstandings. reception, not a ball. Second, Maybe I’ll try that next time. ▲ Author and wit Robert Benchley, even were this a ball, this would

105 Our pastor ew to the was winding N United down. In the States, I was eager back of the to meet people. church the So one day I fellowship com¬ struck up a con¬ mittee stood to versation with the go to the church only other woman hall and prepare in the gym. Pointing snacks for the con¬ to two men playing gregation. Seeing them racquetball in a near¬ get up, Pastor Michel by court, I said to her, singled them out for praise. “There’s my husband.” Then I “Before they all slip out,” he Low on gas while on a vacation added, “The thin one—not the urged, “let’s give these ladies a big trip to Las Vegas, I pulled my fat one.” hand in the rear.” van into a service station. As I After a slightly uncomfortable

- GORDON MOORE was turning in, I spied lying on silence she replied, “And that’s my the ground a gas cap that looked husband—the fat one.” Recently my wife was behind a like it might replace my missing - NITYA RAMAKRISHNAN car with three bumper stick¬ one. I hurriedly parked by the ers: “Don’t be fooled by pump, jumped out of the van, ran My new credit card arrived in genetically engineered food— over and picked up the cap. I was the mail with a large sticker demand labels and safety testing pleasantly surprised to find that it on it, giving the phone number to for food”; “Eat for the health of screwed easily onto my tank. activate the card. I called the it”; and “Support organic farmers.” A perfect fit, I thought. And number and got one option: The car was in front of her at a then I noticed the keyhole in the “Press One” to activate the credit McDonald’s drive-through. top of the cap. card. That led me to a live person,

BROOKS MONK - BOB SJOSTRAND who answered with her first name and the title “Credit Card Activator.” On a Pittsburgh plumbing contractor’s truck: As I got ready to give her the “You Don't Have to Sleep With That necessary information, she inter¬ rupted me, asking, “How can I Drip Tonight.” help you?”

CARL C. WURST - ANGELA NOLAN

106 Dumb and Dumber

I am full-figured, and when I For our honeymoon my Over the years, my husband dine in restaurants, I often find and I have usually managed the chairs too small and uncom¬ fiancee and I chose a to decode the cute but confusing fortable. The last time I ate out, I fashionable hotel known gender signs they sometimes put filled in a comment card, saying for its luxurious suites. on restroom doors in restaurants that while the food and service (Buoys & Gulls, Laddies & were wonderful, the chairs did When I called to make Lassies, etc.), but every so often not accommodate anyone over a reservations, the desk we get stumped. Recently my hus¬ size 14. clerk inquired, "Is this band, Dave, wandered off in Several weeks later I received a search of the men’s room and note of apology—and a coupon for a special occasion?" found himself confronted by two for a free dessert. "Yes," I replied." It's marked doors. One was labeled - PAT BALLARD our honeymoon." “Bronco” and the other was desig¬ nated “Cactus.” The road by my house was in "And how many adults Completely baffled, he stopped bad condition after a rough will there be?" she a restaurant employee passing winter. Every day I dodged pot¬ by. “Excuse me, I need to use the holes on the way to work. So I was asked. restroom,” Dave said. Gesturing - LARRY REEVES relieved to see a construction crew toward the doors, he asked, working on the road one morning. “Which one should I use?” Later, on my way home, I My father and I belong to the “Actually, we would prefer you noticed no improvement. But religion of Sikhism. We both to go there,” the employee said, where the construction crew had wear the traditional turban and pointing to a door down the hall been working stood a new, bright- often encounter strange com¬ marked “Men.” “Bronco and yellow sign with the words ments and questions. Once, in a Cactus are private dining rooms.”

“Rough Road.” restaurant, a child stared with - SHERRIE LEE

- SARAH KRAYBILL LIND amazement at my father. She finally got the courage to ask, “Are An author was coming to my A couple of hours into a visit you a genie?” local bookstore to discuss her with my mother she noticed I Her mother, caught off guard, novel set in Appalachia. The main hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are turned red in the face and apolo¬ character was “a strong-willed you trying to kick the habit?” gized for the remark. But my dad heroine fighting to survive the “No,” I replied, “I’ve got a cold took no offense and decided to hardships of the times.” and I don’t smoke when I’m not humor the child. When I went to the reading, I feeling well.” He replied, “Why, yes I am. I was disappointed to learn the “You know,” she observed, can grant you three wishes.” writer had cancelled her appear¬ “you’d probably live longer if you The child’s mother blurted out, ance. The reason? She didn’t want were sick more often.” “Really?” to drive in the rain.

- IAN A. HAMMEL - MANVIR KALSI - DIANE MARSHALL

107 ur first day at a resort my After a recent move, I made up Bad weather had backed up all wife and I decided to hit the a list of companies, agencies flights, and as a result our beach. When I went back to our and services that needed to know plane sat on the runway for three room to get something to drink, my new address and phoned each hours. All attempts to placate the one of the hotel maids was mak¬ to ask them to make the change. passengers weren’t working. ing our bed. I grabbed my cooler Everything went smoothly until I Then the pilot came on the inter¬ and was on my way out when I made a call to one of my frequent- com to announce his umpteenth paused and asked, “Can we drink flier accounts. After I explained to update: “Folks, we’ll be getting beer on the beach?” her what I wanted to do, the permission to take off, but I have “Sure,” she said, “but I have to woman I reached in customer to tell you that we’re 26th in line finish the rest of the rooms first.” service told me, “I’m sorry; we for departure.” - LOUIS ALLARD can’t do that over the phone. You As a collective groan filled the will have to fill out our change-of- aircraft, a flight attendant took the friend of ours was puzzled address form.” mike and added, “Ladies and gen¬ with the odd messages left on “How do I get one of those?” tlemen, please close your window his answering machine. Day after I asked. shades. We’ll soon be showing our day friends and family would talk “We’d be happy to provide you almost-inflight hit movie, Anger and then say, “Beep.” He discov¬ with one,” she said pleasantly. Management.”

ered the reason for the joke when “Can I have your new address so - STEVE NORTH he decided to listen to his greeting. I can mail it to you?” “Hi,” it said. “I’m not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message.”

- SHEEBA MATHEW

108 Dumb and Dumber

/> r Timeless Humor from the After booking my 90-year-old During a beautiful spring after¬ mother on a flight from noon, I was attending the One October my wife and I spent Florida to Nevada, I called the air¬ Cheat River Festival in West a vacation on Washington's line to go over her needs. The Virginia. Just as I stopped to listen Olympic Peninsula. We were woman representative listened to a folk singer, a group of eager to visit the rain forests patiently as I requested a wheel¬ exhibitors, dragging out tools and near the coast, but we heard chair and an attendant for my sawhorses, began setting up their that snowslides had made some mother because of her arthritis display booth nearby. All their of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about and impaired vision. I also asked shouting and hammering made it the conditions we might run for a special meal and assistance difficult to enjoy the music. The into, we drove on. in changing planes. noise they made got louder and Sure enough, we had gone My apprehension lightened a even more obnoxious and intru¬ only a short way up the Hoh bit when the woman assured me sive as time went on. Rain Forest road when we saw everything would be taken care Finally, to everyone’s relief, they a sign: “Ice 10 miles.” Five miles farther on there of. I thanked her profusely. completed the construction. As a was another: "Ice 5 miles." “Why, you’re welcome,” she finishing touch, they hung a sign The next one was: “Ice replied. I was about to hang up on their booth. It read “Silent 1/2 mile.” We practically crept when she cheerfully asked, “And Auction.” that half mile. will your mother be needing a - JIM TRUMAN Then we came to the last rental car?” sign. It was outside a small

- THOMAS A. CORBETT grocery, and it read: “Ice 500.”

- GIFFORD S. WALKER

109 There’s a scar on my face person’s name in the phone from a car accident. A book and gave him a call. customer came into the gas “I found your ATM card,” I station where I work, told the man who answered. glanced at me and exclaimed, He then asked hopefully, “My God, what happened to “You didn’t happen to find you?” I told him and hoped my sunglasses too?” that would be the end of it. - G. DAVID PETERSON But he kept pressing me for more information. My friend Ann and I were Finally, he made his pur¬ eating at a Chinese chase and, just before restaurant. When an elderly walking away, said, “Fley, waiter set chopsticks at our don’t worry about it. It’s not places, Ann made a point of that noticeable.” reaching into her purse and

- ROBERT GOEBEL pulling out her own pair. “As an environmentalist,” she At 82 years old, my hus¬ declared, “I do not approve of band applied for his first “Of course, it’s nothing serious, honey... destroying bamboo forests passport. He was told he just a flooded engine.” for throwaway utensils.” would need a birth certifi¬ The waiter inspected her cate, but his birth had never been chopsticks. “Very beautiful,” he officially registered. When he worthy—and had given the inter¬ said politely. “Ivory.” explained his dilemma to the viewer my wife’s name. Also, she - ERICA CHRISTENSEN passport agent, the response was said, there was a form for my wife less than helpful. to sign. I played for a semipro baseball “In lieu of a birth certificate,” “But I couldn’t find you,” the team. At every game we sold the agent said, “you can bring friend concluded, “so I forged raffle tickets. Half the money paid a notarized affidavit from the your signature.” the team’s expenses and the other

doctor who delivered you.” - WILL PETERS half went to the winning ticket

- ELGARDA ASHLIMAN holder. One day they held the hen I walked up to the drawing just as I was stepping up One day my wife and I came ATM at my bank, I noticed to bat. home to find a message from someone had left his card in the The home plate umpire pulled a friend of hers on our phone slot. Since it was a Friday evening, the winning ticket, and then machine. She said she had applied I thought the Good Samaritan thing turned to me. “Could you read me for a job and needed a character to do was try to find the card’s the number?” he asked. “My reference—basically someone to owner so he wouldn’t go the week¬ vision’s not too good.”

verify she was honest and trust- end without it. I looked up the - EDWARD NANDOR

110 Dumb and Dumber

A co-worker of mine My three sisters and I have After shopping for weeks, I weight problems and are finally found the car of my was admiring a pair of always sharing diet tips. One day dreams. It was only two years old delicate white earrings my oldest sister was showing us a and in beautiful condition. The that Sue, another co¬ low-fat cookbook and pointed out salesman asked if I would like to a chicken dish she had tried the take it for a test drive. We had worker, was wearing. night before. Reading the ingredi¬ traveled no more than two miles "Those are lovely/' the ents, I commented, “It looks like it when the car broke down. The woman said. "Are they would taste really bland.” salesman called for a tow truck. “It did,” she replied, “until I When it arrived, we climbed ivory?" added cheese and sour cream.” into the front seat. While the driv¬ Appalled at the sug¬ - PATRICIA LAANSMA er was hooking up the car, the gestion, Sue replied, "I salesman turned to me with a While away on business, a smile and said, “Well, now, what is would never consider colleague and I decided to it going to take to put you behind wearing anything made catch a movie. As we approached the wheel of that beauty today?” the theater, we read the marquee. - JAN BAIRD by killing innocent ele¬ It bore the name of the phants. These are bone." feature film followed by - HEATHER WILLIAMS the numbers “7,” “5,” and “9.” Assuming these were the show times, we were Thanks to my daughter, I have somewhat perplexed by become thoroughly sensi¬ their order. tized to environmental issues. I went inside to ask Recently I purchased a greeting about it. “Our next show is card, and when the cashier started at eight o’clock,” the to place it in a plastic bag, I woman in the box office remembered my daughter’s announced. repeated warnings and immedi¬ “Eight o’clock?” I said, ately declined its use. surprised. “But the mar¬ “I’ll be mailing that quickly,” I quee says seven, five and told the clerk. “You can take the nine.” bag back.” “Right,” she agreed. “Okay. Have a good day,” she “That’s 7:59. We lost our said with a smile. Then I watched number eight.” as she scrunched the bag into a -DIANE CLANCY ball and tossed it into the garbage.

- ARLENE KUSHER

111 ad is from the old school, My very pregnant sister-in- There was a notice that where you keep your money law had just returned from appeared in my mailbox. It under the mattress—only he kept another disappointingly unevent¬ told me I was required to go to his in the underwear drawer. One ful trip to the hospital when she court as a witness against some¬ day I bought my dad an unusual went into true labor. With no time one whose name I did not personal safe—a can of spray to make it back to the hospital, my recognize. Calling for more infor¬ paint with a false bottom—so he brother called 911. In shock, he mation, I found out my notice was could keep his money in the followed the telephone instruc¬ for reporting a driver who had workshop. Later I asked Mom if tions of the operator to deliver illegally passed my stopped he was using it. the baby. He even tied the umbili¬ school bus—ten years ago when I “Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put cal cord with a string. had been driving a bus part time. his money in it the same day.” The Emergency Medical The appearance date was the “No burglar would think to look Service team arrived shortly same time as my night class, so I on the work shelf!” I gloated. thereafter, only to see an exhaust¬ called to see if my court appear¬ “They won’t have to,” my mom ed mother holding her beautiful ance could be rescheduled. Two replied. “Lie keeps the paint can daughter—with a tennis shoe dan¬ days later someone returned my in his underwear drawer.” gling on the cord between them! call.

- JUDEE MULVEY - SABRINA FORD “We cannot push the date back,” they said. The reason? “The accused is entitled to a speedy trial.”

- JANIS SMITH

When my wife and I showed up at a very popular restau¬ rant, it was crowded. She went up to the hostess and asked, “Will it be long?” The hostess, ignoring her, kept writing in her book. My wife again asked, “How much of a wait?” The woman looked up. “About ten minutes.” A short time later we heard an announcement over the loud¬ speaker: “Willette B. Long, your table is ready.” “He just sits there all day, waiting to chase the e-mail man.” - HERBERT R. KARP

112 Dumb and Dumber

Hoping to learn more about financial matters, I visited a bookstore and grabbed a copy of Personal Finance for Dummies. A glance at the book's price sticker, however, revealed just how little credit the store's management gave people like me. It read: "Publisher's list price: $16.95; our discount price: $1799."

- NAOMI WELSH

Although I am of Chinese Driving through New Jersey on I called my local utility for help descent, I never really Interstate 80 en route from with a minor malfunction in learned to speak Chinese. One Pennsylvania to New York, I came my outdoor gas grill. Their auto¬ evening, I came home boasting upon a group of cars that were mated phone system put me on about a wonderful meal I’d had in abnormally traveling exactly at hold for over 20 minutes. Chinatown. Unfortunately, I the 55 m.p.h. speed limit. In the As I waited, I was grateful my couldn’t remember the name of middle of the group was a state problem wasn’t worse—especially the restaurant, but was able to police cruiser that everyone was when I heard a pre-recorded write the Chinese character that reluctant to pass. message repeatedly advise, “If you was on the door and show it to After several minutes the offi¬ smell gas, stay on the line.” my mother. cer’s voice rang out over his - HERB GITLIN “Do you know what it says?” roof-mounted loudspeaker. “For Mom asked with a smile. “It says heaven’s sake, move!” he com¬ While sitting in the emer¬ ‘Pull.’” manded. “I am a Pennsylvania gency room of our local

- BARBARA MAO state trooper.” hospital, I watched as a panicked

- AMITABH V. W. MITTAL father-to-be rushed in and told a Early one Saturday morning, nurse that his wife had called him the flashing lights of a police I was sitting behind an enthusi¬ at work about 15 minutes earlier. car appeared in my rearview mir¬ astic mom at my son’s Little She was going into labor prema¬ ror. After checking my license and League game. Her boy was pitch¬ turely, he said, and would be registration, the officer asked, ing for the opposing team and she arriving at the hospital any “Do you know why I pulled you cheered as he threw wild pitch minute now. over?” after wild pitch. The poor kid “How far along is your wife?” “No,” I responded. walked every batter. It was only the nurse asked calmly. “One of your taillights is out,” the first inning and the score was Glancing down nervously at his he said. “I’m going to have to 14-0. Then one batter finally watch, the man replied, “Right issue a warning.” smacked the ball. about now, she should be on “Whew,” I said, without think¬ “Oh no,” the mom wailed. Washington Street.” ing. “I thought it was because my “There goes his no-hitter.” - KAREN MORRIS inspection had expired.” - NORMALU COOPER

- ANDREA SHIPPER

113 While walking through a When I was in the sixth grade, parking lot, I tripped One evening my former boss I lost the sight in my right and fell flat on my face. was getting out of the shower when his wife called, asking him eye during a playground mishap. As I was lying there, a Fortunately, the accident had little to turn off an iron she had mistak¬ woman stopped and effect on my life. When I reached enly left on in the basement my 40s, however, I needed to get called out, before she left for the weekend. glasses. Thinking no one would see him, At the optometrist’s office, the "Are you hurt?" he ran down the stairs into the doctor’s young assistant pointed dark basement without even a to an eye chart. “Cover your right towel on. eye and read line three,” she said. "No. I'm fine," As he flipped on the light “I’m blind in my right eye,” I switch, though, he was shocked to told her. “It’s a glass eye.” I said, touched by her concern. hear dozens of people yell “Okay,” she responded. “In that “Surprise!” His wife had orches¬ case, cover your left eye.” trated the secret party to

- BILL SLACK "Oh, good," celebrate his 40th birthday.

- JENNIFER JASEK she continued. My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was "So will you be I began viola lessons as an adult. needed for another flight, our air¬ When I started, I called my craft was backed away from the vacating your mother to share my excitement. terminal, and we were directed to “Wonderful!” she exclaimed. “But a new gate. We all found the new parking spot?" I’ve never heard a viola. What gate, only to discover a third gate does it sound like?”

had been designated for our HARIETT WELLING Unable to give an apt descrip¬ plane. tion, I phoned my mother a few Finally, everyone got on board days later, after buying a CD of the right plane, and the flight viola music. “Listen to this,” I said attendant announced: “We apolo¬ Frustrated at always being cor¬ as I placed the telephone receiver gize for the gate change. This rected by her husband, my aunt next to the stereo speaker, and flight is going to Washington, D.C. decided the next time it happened turned the music on for about If your destination is not she would have a comeback. That 30 seconds of a Schubert sonata. Washington, D.C., you should moment finally arrived, and she Then I picked up the receiver. deplane at this time.” was ready. “You know,” she chal¬ “Well, Mom, what do you think?” A moment later a red-faced lenged, “even a broken clock is A moment of silence followed, pilot emerged from the cockpit, right once a day.” then a question: “I’m speechless, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, My uncle looked at her and Debbie. How many lessons have “wrong plane.” replied, “Twice.” you had?”

- ROY SCHMIDT - CINDY COOKSEY - DEBORAH HAYS

114 Dumb and Dumber

y husband and I stopped at a steak fanatic, my father . ne afternoon, while touring M;.sporting-goods store famous As.always picks out cuts that o:'the Canyonlands of southern for its huge once-a-year sale. include a bone because he loves Utah, my husband and I pulled Seven months pregnant at the to nibble on it. One night Father into the only hotel in a small time, I caught the attention of a and I were finishing our dinners town. While signing the register, reporter covering the event. at a steakhouse, and I could tell he we asked the young woman When he asked me what we were wanted to start gnawing on the behind the desk if our room was looking for, I patted my stomach bone. But he couldn’t bear to do air-conditioned. and said we needed a new tent for so in public. When she shook her head no, our growing family. “Excuse me,” he said, calling the we hesitated, wondering if we Then the reporter turned to my waitress over, “would you please should push on to the next town. distracted husband: “Is this your wrap this bone up for my dog?” Sensing our doubt, she brightened first?” Father has never owned a dog in as she came up with a solution. “Uh, no,” he replied. “We have his life, but the white lie seemed a “Just turn on the heater,” she sug¬ another tent at home.” tactful solution to his dilemma. gested. “Our customers tell us all

- MARY ANN HAEFNER A few minutes later the waitress that comes out is cold air anyway.” returned to our table. “Here’s - MARY J. PAYERLE frequently receive calls from your bone, sir,” she said, handing I pollsters asking me to partici¬ over a large package. “And while I Flying above northern Arizona pate in telephone surveys. One was in the kitchen, I grabbed a in an airliner, I listened as the woman began with a barrage of few more out of the scrap bucket.” captain described points of inter¬ questions. - KAREN FREEMAN est over the loudspeaker. He “Wait a moment,” I interrupted. indicated a giant crater on the “Who are you and whom do ground that was formed by a you represent?” meteorite thousands of She told me and imme¬ years ago. diately continued asking A young woman in the questions. row ahead of me looked “What’s the purpose out the window. She of this survey?” I then turned to her asked. companion and “Sir,” she replied exclaimed, “Gee, if irritably, “I don’t have it had landed a little time to answer your farther to the right, it questions.” Then she would have hit the hung up. highway!” “There’s nothing wrong with your eyesight. - WALLY COX - HENRY SHEPPARD You’re wearing your seat belt too high!”

115 I had toyed with the notion of There was a pause. “I hear the phased out its door-to-door sales¬ reading the Encyclopaedia P’s are excellent,” he said. men. But it keeps chugging. Britannica for a few years. I could tell my wife, Julie, was Yes, there’s the Internet. I sup¬ I figured it would be a just as skeptical. “I don’t know, pose I could try reading Google crash course in everything— honey,” she said. “What about eat¬ from A to Z. But the Internet’s something I desperately needed. ing dinner at every restaurant in hardly what you would call trust¬ At age 35, about the only thing I New York? You could start with worthy, and besides, I prefer could remember from four years the restaurants with A names and books. I don’t even want the of college was that a burrito left work your way to the Z’s.” Valiant newfangled CD-ROM for $49.95 on the dorm-room floor is still try. But I was dead serious about or the Britannica’s monthly online edible after eight days, as long as Operation Encyclopedia. service. I’ll take the leatherette you chew really hard. If I read the I did some research. The volumes for $1,400—not cheap, whole encyclopedia, from A to Z, Britannica is still the gold stan¬ but certainly less expensive than I might very well become the dard, the Tiffany’s of encyclo¬ grad school. smartest man in America. My pedias. Founded in 1768, it’s the A couple of days after placing father, a New York lawyer, had longest continuously published my order, three giant boxes arrive. actually tried reading the reference book in history. Over I rip them open and find a hand¬ Britannica years ago. He made it the years contributors have some set of books—sleek and to the mid-B’s—I think it was included Einstein, Freud and black, with gold embossing on the right around Borneo—before he Harry Houdini. Its current roster spine. Seeing them in three bailed out, blaming his busy includes dozens of academics dimensions not only causes Julie schedule. with Nobels, Pulitzers and other to panic that they’ll eat up all our I called him with the good awards with ceremonies that apartment’s shelf space, it also news. “I’m going to finish what don’t feature commentary from drives home the magnitude of my you started,” I told him. “I’m Melissa Rivers. During the dot¬ quest. I am looking at 33,000 going to read the Encyclopaedia com craze the Britannica passed pages, 65,000 articles, 24,000 Britannica.” through hard times, and it has illustrations. I have 32 volumes,

116 44 million words. 33,000 pages. One obsessed guy.

each weighing 4 pounds. Total A cappella. A lovely surprise. I stuff. I’m Jewish, but I never got word count: 44 million. know this one. An ex-girlfriend of any religious training, though I pile all the volumes on the mine belonged to an a cappella I do have a light lunch on Yom floor in one big stack. It measures group in college. They sang songs Kippur. So the Britannica will four-foot-six—practically a Danny from Def Leppard and called it be my savior. DeVito of knowledge. I look at it Rockapella. One for two. Not bad. Abbott, Bud, and Costello, again. Is this really the best use of Aachen. The next few entries Lou. After a bunch of Persian my time? Maybe I should try destroy my average. I don’t recog¬ rulers named Abbas, I get to these something that’s a little easier, nize the name of a famous familiar faces. But any sense of like buying a new bathing suit. Chinese general or a Buddhist relief fades when I read about I plunk the first volume on my compendium. And I’ve never their sketchy past. Their partner¬ lap. It feels weighty. It feels good. heard of Aachen, the German city ship began when Costello’s I crack it open. And then I start that’s home to Schwertbad- regular straight man fell ill during to read. Quelle, the hottest sulfur spring in a gig at the Empire Theater in A-ak. That’s the very first word, the country. Oh, well. I try to New York. So Abbott—working in followed by this write-up: “Ancient memorize the information. There the box office—substituted. It East Asian music. See gagaku.” can be no discriminating here, not went so well, he became What a tease this crafty old even against obscure Teutonic Costello’s permanent partner. Britannica is! Now I have a dilem¬ landmarks. ma. Should I flip ahead to Volume Aaron. Ah, the brother 5 and find out what’s up with of Moses. Seems gagaku, or should I stick with the Mom didn’t talk plan and move on to the second about him too much. word? I decide to stay. Why ruin “Oh, Aaron? He’s the suspense? If anyone brings up okay. Still finding a-ak in conversation, I’ll just bluff. his way. But back “I love gagaku!” I’ll say. Or, “Did to Moses: Did you you hear that Madonna’s record¬ hear about the Red ing an a-ak track on her next CD?” Sea?” This is good

117 ► The Know-It-All

This is not a heart-warming story; schools that had a particularly Shannon doesn’t know quite it’s a cautionary tale. I’m never unusual discipline system: how to respond. So Julie rescues calling in sick again. I don’t want Teachers received punishment me by spilling my secret. “A. J.’s to come back after the 24-hour flu from the offending pupils. It was decided to read the encyclope¬ and find out that Robbie from the supposed to instill shame in the dia,” she says. mail room is now a senior editor. kids’ minds. This is brilliant. I “Wow. That’s some light read¬ It’s a tough world. have a long list of teachers I wish ing,” replies David. Pause. So Addled Brain Syndrome. I could have disciplined, among much for social success. Okay, I made this one up. But I’m them my fourth-grade instructor, I am constantly being told how definitely suffering from some¬ who forced us to have a sugar-free absurd this all is. My aunt Marti thing. As I vacuum up facts, I find bake sale, which earned a humili¬ from Berkeley confronted me in a I’m so overwhelmed I have to take ating $1.53. phone call the other day. “Why breaks. Walk it off, as my gym Alger, Horatio. I knew he was are you reading the encyclope¬ teachers used to say. You only the 19th-century author of famous dia?” she asked. sprained that brain; it’s not a frac¬ rags-to-riches novels. I didn’t “I’m trying to become the ture. Walk it off, son. know he began writing after being smartest man in the world,” I Still, the encyclopedia is perfect kicked out of a Massachusetts replied. for someone like me who has the church for allegations of sexual “How are you defining intelli¬ attention span of a gnat on misconduct with boys. The gence? The amount of inform¬ amphetamines. Bored with Britannica can be a gossip rag. ation you have?” Abilene, Texas? Here comes aboli¬ Antarctica. One night, when “Yup.” tionism. Tired of that? The Julie and I go to her friends’ “That’s not very intelligent.” Abominable Snowman’s lurking house for dinner, I’m prepared to “Well,” I replied, “I haven’t got¬ right around the corner (by the dazzle with all of my newfound ten to the letter I.” ▲ way, the mythical Snowman’s knowledge. We arrive at Shannon footprints are probably produced and David’s, exchange kisses and by running bears). “Great to see you’s.” Then Julie The changes are so abrupt and mentions she’s feeling cold. relentless, you can’t help but get “Not quite as cold as Antarctica’s mental whiplash. You go from Vostok Station, which reached a

tiny to cosmic, from ancient to record 128 below zero,” I reply. A. J. Jacobs, a senior editor at Esquire, did get modern. There’s no segue. Just a We sit down and Shannon tells to the letter “I"—and every other letter. He little white space and boom! us about an upcoming vacation to finished reading the Encyclopaedia Britannica one year and 55 days after he started. He was Another fact. But I forge on. St. Barth’s. “I can’t wait to get accepted by Mensa and appeared on “Who Alcott, Bronson. The father of some sun,” she says. “Look how Wants to Be a Millionaire,'' winning $1,000 novelist Louisa May Alcott was white I am.” after narrowly missing $32,000 when he couldn't define erythrocyte, which means red famous in his own right. A radical “Albinism affects one in 20,000 blood cell (“I'll never forget that word for as reformer, he opened several Americans,” I say. long as I live," he says).

118 ■

It’s easy to get a reputation for wisdom. It’s only necessary to live long, speak little and do less. You can't have — P.D. JAMES, A Certain Justice (Knopf) everything. The one thing that unites all human beings, Where would regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are you put it? above-average drivers.

- STEVEN WRIGHT — DAVE BARRY. Dave Barry Turns 50 (Crown)

I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when When you don’t they have food in their mouths. know what ~ KENNETH COLE, Footnotes (Simon & Schuster) you’re talking Graduation speeches were invented largely about, it’s hard in the belief that college students should to know when never be released into the world until they you’re finished. have been properly sedated. - TOMMY SMOTHERS

- GARRY TRUDEAU They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

— TIM ALLEN on "Home Improvement"

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

— Quoted in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares (Delacorte Press) After his wife died, the My wife asked me to help one When I was a high school of our neighbors, a young senior, I saw an inspira¬ uncle of one of my friends mother whose sailor husband tional ad on TV about becoming a decided to plan ahead and was at sea. Her car had to have teacher. I called the number order a gravesite marker something called a freeze plug shown: 800-45TEACH. After a replaced—a job that took two woman answered, I babbled on for himself. A week or so days. Then I discovered the about how I thought I had found later he came home to battery was dead and the starter my life’s calling and could she find a message on his was shot, so I fixed those too. send me information. She asked answering machine. It Days later I proudly handed what number I was calling. the woman her keys saying, After I told her, there was a was from a young woman “Now your car is good for many long pause. Then she said, “You at the company where more miles.” misspelled teach.” he'd placed his order. “Thanks,” she said. “All I care is - AMY PORTER that it runs long enough to make "I don't know if it's it to the dealer. I’m trading it in I was in line at the souvenir good news or bad," she tomorrow.” booth of a Renaissance fair said, "but your headstone - GEORGE T. MARSHALL when a man asked the clerk, “Do you sell sunglasses?” “Alas, yeo¬ is ready." e purchased an old home in man,” she answered in her best - OLIVIA VAZ northern New York State fake old English, “colored bits of from two elderly sisters. Winter glass suspended before the eyes On a recent vacation at a resort was fast approaching, and I was were not invented until after the with my in-laws, we planned concerned about the house’s lack Renaissance, so those are not to spend an afternoon at the pool of insulation. “If they could live goods we purvey.” with our kids. We wanted to bring here all those years, so can we!” As he began to turn away, ye our own drinks, but were unsure my husband confidently declared. olde Renaissance clerk added, of the hotel’s policy. One November night the tem¬ “But we do carry baseball caps My brother-in-law called the perature plunged to below zero, with our logo on them.”

front desk, and assuming every¬ and we woke up to find interior - KATHY SHEEHAN one was familiar with the brand of walls covered with frost. My hus¬ ice chest he had, asked if it was all band called the sisters to ask how a; ro right if he brought a Playmate to they had kept the house warm. 3 At a coffee bar in Lansing, the pool. GO Mich., a sign on the After a brief conversation, he c After a pause the clerk asked, hung up. “For the past 30 years,” w staff’s tip container said “Does she have her own towel?” he muttered, “they’ve gone to c M “Thanks a Latte.” - TINA M, DIGIOVANNA Florida for the winter.” (/> - LINDA DOBSON

120 Dumb and Dumber

My sister Susan and her hus¬ I was having a drink at a local band, Frank, were entertain¬ restaurant with my friend ing for the first time since the Justin when he spotted an attrac¬ birth of their baby. Everything ran tive woman sitting at the bar. smoothly until one of Frank’s bud¬ After an hour of gathering his dies arrived with his new girlfriend— courage, he approached her and a woman Susan did not particu¬ asked, “Would you mind if I chat¬ larly care for. Susan beckoned her ted with you for a while?” husband upstairs with the excuse She responded by yelling at the that they had to check on the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t baby. In the privacy of the nurs¬ come over to your place tonight!” ery, she spoke freely of her With everyone in the restaurant disdain for the new guest. staring, Justin crept back to our When they went downstairs to table, puzzled and humiliated. rejoin the party, they were greet¬ A few minutes later, the woman ed with an awkward silence — walked over to us and apologized. except for the occasional mur- “I’m sorry if I embarrassed murings of the sleeping baby that you,” she said, “but I’m a graduate came from the infant monitor sit¬ student in psychology and I’m ting on the table. studying human reaction to - JANE HAWORTH embarrassing situations.” At the top of his lungs Justin Before our daughter went off to responded, “What do you mean, college, our family vacationed two hundred dollars?” in Colorado, flying to Denver and - J. SMODISH renting a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than There was a fire in my neigh¬ 1,000 feet above the Arkansas River. borhood, and I arrived just in Walking out onto the bridge, I time to see firefighters carry one noticed it swayed in the wind. of their men out of the burning Then a car went past us, and the house and lower him to a sitting wood-plank roadway moved position on the lawn. Visibly beneath my feet. “I don’t think I shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit want to drive the car across this it and sat there puffing on it to bridge,” I finally said. calm his nerves. “What are you worried about?” “What happened to that poor our college-bound daughter guy?” I asked a bystander. replied. “It’s a rental.” “Smoke inhalation,” he replied.

- ROBERT COOLEY - TIM TUINSTRA

121 My husband and I were he said he needed a belt, knob, touring our friends’ new hinge and a crescent-shaped home. Mr. and Mrs. Henry wire he’d found inside the Curtis had put special touches dryer. He didn’t know where it everywhere. In the bathroom belonged, but he confidently my husband leaned over to me assured the clerk that he could and whispered, “They even figure it out once he got into have monogrammed faucets.” the job.

- PAT GNAU “I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire One day I noticed that my you have to go to Lingerie. sister wasn’t wearing a This is an underwire from watch. When I asked her your wife’s bra.” about it, she replied, “I don’t - BARBARA A. YEAGER need a watch. At home there’s a clock in every room, and in hen I arrived at school the car there’s a clock on the wifor my daughter’s dashboard.” parent-teacher conference, ‘“On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen. the teacher seemed a bit Knowing my sister’s an On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.. avid shopper, I inquired, Wait—this can’t be right.” flustered, especially when “Well, how do you tell time she started telling me that when you’re shopping?” prolonged kiss when the young my little girl didn’t always pay “That’s easy,” she replied. man had his face and hands attention in class and was some¬ “I buy something else, and look at buried in his girlfriend’s long, times a little flighty. the time printed on the sales curly locks. “For example, she’ll do the wrong receipt.” “Do you have to do that here?” page in the workbook,” the teacher

- MARTHA MCGOWAN the embarrassed mother asked. explained, “and I’ve even found her “I’m not doing anything, Mom,” sitting at the wrong desk.” I was in line at a restaurant. In came her son’s muffled voice. “My “I don’t understand,” I replied front of me was a mother with earring’s caught in her hair.” defensively. “Where could she

her college-age son and his girl¬ - KATHY GASTON have gotten that?” friend. It was the middle of the The teacher went on to reas¬ dinner rush, and many customers When our dryer broke, my sure me that my daughter was were restless at the long wait, but husband set to work. He still doing fine in school and was the young couple, holding hands found the problem quickly and, sweet and likable. Finally, after a and kissing, were oblivious to since he needed to replace the pause, she added, “By the way, everything around them. belt, decided to repair a cracked Mrs. Gulbrandsen, our appoint¬ Although clearly not approving, knob and broken hinge too. Upon ment was tomorrow.”

the mother was silent, until one arrival at the Sears parts counter, - J. GULBRANDSEN

122 Dumb and Dumber

Fresh from a visit to the sorry, but the plane’s restroom My mother had just finished dentist, I decided to was out of order. The flight atten¬ taking a CPR class at a local dant went on to apologize to the college when she and I were in stop at my bank. Barely passengers for any inconvenience. the mall and saw a big crowd able to enunciate, I told But then she finished cheerily gathered around a still body. the teller, "I'm sorry with: “So, as compensation, free Suddenly my mother took off run¬ drinks will be served.” ning at a speed I didn’t know she about not speaking more - MANJIRI V. OAK could muster. “Everyone back,” clearly. I've just had she yelled. “I know CPR!” Early in our romance, my fiance Just as she threw herself next to novocaine." and I were strolling on a the body and was about to begin "You should have used beach. He stopped, drew a heart the procedure, a pair of strong the drive-through," she in the sand and inscribed our ini¬ hands pulled her to her feet. tials inside the heart. I was “Ma’am,” barked a police officer said. thoroughly charmed, and took a standing beside her, “we are try¬ "Why?" photo of his artwork. Later we ing to arrest this man.” "Everyone who goes used that same picture on our - TALEA TORRES wedding invitations. through sounds like Seeing the photo, Emily, that," she explained. the preteen daughter of a - SUSAN ANDERSON friend, exclaimed, “Wow! How did you ever find one Dispatching her ten-year-old with your initials on it?” son to pick up a pizza, my sis¬ - CHRISTY G. SMITH ter handed him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came For a late snack, my sisters home with the pizza, and the and I stopped at a diner. coupon. Walking in, we smelled When asked to explain, he cooking gas. When the wait¬ replied, “Mom, I had enough ress came to seat us, we money. I didn’t need the coupon.” urged her to tell someone so - MARGARET E. METZ they could find the leak. She thanked us, saying she’d look I have a cousin who was on a into it right away. plane that had taken off and Then she asked us in her was approaching cruising altitude, most pleasant waitress voice, when one of the flight attendants “Will that be smoking or came on the public-address sys¬ nonsmoking?” tem. She announced that she was - SHARON SWEENEY

123 After an unusually heated scolded. “You have to fill out a My husband, who is an auto argument with what he con¬ mail-loss form before we can ini¬ mechanic, received a repair sidered his overbearing parents, tiate a search.” order that read: “Check for clunk¬ my brother announced that the “Okay,” I said. “I’ll take one.” ing noise when going around minute he graduated from high He rummaged under his count¬ corners.” Taking the car out for a school he intended to join the er, then went to some other clerks test drive, he made a right turn, Navy. No more was said until a who did the same—only to return and a moment later heard a clunk. few days later, when he walked and confess, “You’ll have to come He then made a left turn and proudly into the house and back later. We can’t find the forms.” again heard a clunk. Back at the

declared that he was to report for - DOREEN L. ROGERS shop, he opened the trunk and duty the following morning. soon discovered the problem. “Why?” my mother asked tearfully. As a professor at the Air Force Promptly he returned the repair “Because,” he stormed, “I am Institute of Technology, I order to the service manager with sick and tired of taking orders!” taught a series of popular courses this notation: “Remove bowling

-MRS. A. V. HEIGHES on software engineering. The pro¬ ball from trunk.”

gram was highly competitive and - KOREY A. TUTTLE ecause our new refrigerator difficult to get into, but one was taller than our old one, I prospective student made our Which windshield wiper told my wife I’d have to cut away decision whether to accept him blade always quits first? part of an overhanging cabinet to quite simple. That’s right—the driver’s side. make it fit. Not wanting to mess it When asked to fax over his col¬ This happened to me one day up, I called a local radio home-fix- lege transcript, the student told while driving home in the middle it program for advice. I was in the me, “Well, I would, but it’s the of a blinding storm. middle of getting the instructions only copy that I’ve got.” Unable to see, I pulled over and when my wife burst into the - JIM SKINNER tried to figure out a quick fix. I room. “You won’t believe this,” found it in a yellow cotton work ¥> she said, “but there’s a guy on the glove that was lying on the floor. radio with the same problem!” ¥ I wedged the cloth hand under - GARY BRINGHURST W the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my Isold an item through eBay but windshield clear. Not only that— it got lost in the mail. So I you’d be surprised at how many stopped by my local post office people waved back.

and asked them to track it down. - TOM BISCHEL “It’s not that simple,” the clerk

124 Face it—you're not getting better, you're getting older, and the sooner you come to terms with that, or incorporate Botox injections into your budget, the better. r n

0

mKT

“That’s strange. This suit wasn’t a thong last year.”

L Aging Gracelessly

Our dear friend Trudy attend¬ Rock concerts are a little differ¬ "Keep making that face ed my husband’s birthday ent now than when I was party. Though she’s been through younger. Recently, I went to a and it's going to freeze a lot—including a double mastec¬ concert with some friends. As the that way," was what my tomy and reconstructive band started to play a ballad, we mother used to say to us surgery—Trudy was the life of the instinctively raised our cigarette party as usual. Hugging her good¬ lighters, like all good rock fans I as kids. I knew times bye, I couldn’t help noticing she grew up with. But looking around had changed after she had nothing on under her blouse. me, I noticed that times had noticed my sister scowl¬ “Trudy, you’re not wearing a indeed changed. bra!” I whispered. The mostly under-25 crowd was ing recently and warned, With a twinkle in her eye she swaying to the upraised glow of "Keep making that face replied, “I may be 70, honey, but their cell phones. and you're going to need they’re only 15.” - ANGELA STIMA

- JUDITH L. KROL Botox." As my 40th birthday - MARY BOUCK The plane was only half-full. approached, my husband, When an attractive young who is a year younger, was doing After working for months to woman asked if the seat next to his best to rub it in. Trying to fig¬ get in shape, my 42-year-old mine was free, my male ego ure out what all the teasing was husband and I hiked to the bot¬ soared. Soon we were chatting about, our young daughter asked tom of the Grand Canyon. At the pleasantly, and she told me it was me, “How old is Daddy?” end of two grueling days, we her first flight. “Thirty-nine,” I told her. made it back to the canyon’s rim. “Mom said to sit next to some¬ “And how old will you be?” To celebrate, we each bought an one I thought I could trust,” she “Forty,” I said sadly. “I hiked the canyon” T-shirt. confessed nervously, “and you “But Mommy,” she exclaimed, About a month later, while my look just like my dad.” “you’re winning!” husband was wearing his shirt,

- ROY RAGSDALE - KELLEY MARTINEZ a young man approached him. “Did you really hike the canyon?” My brother and his wife start¬ I was hospitalized with an awful he asked. ed their family in their early sinus infection that caused the My husband beamed with pride 40s. One day my sister-in-law and entire left side of my face to swell. and answered, “Sure did!” I were commiserating about the On the third day, the nurse led me “No kidding!” the fellow said. effects of time marching on. to believe that I was finally recov¬ “What year?” “I just got my first pair of glass¬ ering when she announced - CAROL LATKIEWICZ es,” she said, and paused as her two excitedly, “Look, your wrinkles preschool boys thundered past her. are coming back!” “Now, if only my hearing would go.” - FRANCES M. KRUEGER

- IRENE PALM

127 I was having trouble The summer after college grad¬ My sister, Sharon, and I are uation, I was living at home, close, and that allows us to with the idea of turning fishing in the daytime, spending be honest with each other. As I thirty and was oversen¬ nights with my friends—generally fidgeted in front of the mirror one sitive to any signs of just hanging out. One afternoon evening before a date, I remarked, my grandfather, who never went “I’m fat.” advancing age. When I to college, stopped by. “No, you’re not,” she scolded. found a prominent gray Concerned with how I was “My hair is awful.” hair in my bangs, I spending my time, he asked about “It’s lovely.” my future plans. I told him I was “I’ve never looked worse,” I pointed to my forehead. in no hurry to tie myself down to whined. "Have you seen this?" a career. “Yes, you have,” she replied. I indignantly asked my “Well,” he replied, “you better - PATRICIA L. SOUZA start thinking about it. You’ll be husband. thirty before you know it.” On my birthday I got a really "What?" he asked. “But I’m closer to twenty than funny card from a friend. It "The wrinkles?" to thirty,” I protested. “I won’t be joked about how our bodies might thirty for eight more years.” be getting older, but our minds - WENDY LILLIE “I see,” he said, smiling. “And were still “tarp as shacks.” when will you be twenty again?” I wanted to thank the friend My 20th high-school class - MARSHALL K. ESS1G who sent the card, but I couldn’t. reunion was held at a She forgot to sign it.

hotel on the same night that - MERIS M. MACK another school’s tenth-year reunion was taking place. When a woman I While my friends and I were know turned 99 in the rest room talking, years old, I went to her some unfamiliar women birthday party and took entered. some photos. A few days After their stares became later, I brought the whole uncomfortable, we turned batch of prints to her so toward them. One of the she could choose her women said, “Don’t mind favorite. us. We just wanted to see “Good Lord,” she said as how we’d look in another she was flipping through ten years.” them, “I look like I’ m a - SONDRA OLIVIERI hundred.”

- HELEN B. MARROW

“We all do a lot of stupid things when we’re young. So, what’ll it take to remove that ‘Butterball’ tattoo?”

128 Aging Gracelessly

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old grand¬ daughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.” Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

- JAMES F. AHEARN

My senior citizens’ refresher driving course was almost finished, and the teacher began to drill us. “What do you do when you want to exit from a freeway?” he asked. “Pull into the exit lane “How do you think this color Both my fiance and I are in our before you slow down,” the class would look on a face with a few 40s. I thought it was both chorused. wrinkles?” amusing and touching when he “Good,” replied the instructor. He looked at the picture, crum¬ assumed the classic position to “And what do you do when you pled it up, straightened it out and propose to me—down on one want to get off the freeway but studied it again. “Just great, hon.” bended knee. miss your exit?” - JOAN KEYSER “Are you serious?” I asked, There was a pause before a laughing. woman volunteered, “Ask the post My grandfather has a knack “Of course I’m serious,” he said. office to forward your mail.” for looking on the bright “I’m on my bad knee.”

- KATHRYN E. MASON side of life. Even after receiving - DEBORAH MASSEY the terrible diagnosis that he had I had been thinking about color¬ Alzheimer’s, he was philosophical. My friend and I were celebrat¬ ing my hair. One day while “There’s one good thing that’ll ing our 40th birthday the going through a magazine, I came come from this,” he told my same year. As a gag gift, I gave her across an ad for a hair-coloring father. a CD by the band UB40. product featuring a beautiful “What’s that?” asked Dad. For my birthday, she retaliated young model with hair a shade “Now I can hide my own Easter with a CD as well. The group? U2. that I liked. Wanting a second eggs.” - MONA TURRELL opinion, I asked my husband, - CHRIS KERN

129 QUOTABLE QUOTES I’m always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

GEORGE CARLIN

The last Learn to enjoy your own company. birthday You are the one person you can count that's any on living with for the rest of your life. good is 23. — ANN RICH ARDS in 0: The Oprah Magazine

- ANDY ROONEY. Years of Minutes (PublicAffairs) Age is nothing at all...unless you are a cheese.

- ACTRESS BILLIE BURKE (“Glinda, the Good Witch")

Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. It’s all right A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more letting yourself than anything else in life. go, as long as CONAN O’BRIEN in Details you can let Retirement is like a long vacation yourself back. MICK JAGGER in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that Wrinkles only go you run out of money. where the smiles JONATHAN CLEMENTS in The Wall Street Journal have been.

- JIMMY BUFFETT. My mother always used to say, Barefoot Children in the Rain ? Aj /?

"The older you get, the better you get. Or Unless you’re a banana/rr

BETTY WHITE on "The Golden Girls" - LIZZY PHAN

nN I. m fflw HIH v/ Aging Gracelessly

During the last days of my I had just moved to an address When I was a 20-something mother’s life, we discussed between Sunset Avenue and college student, I became many things. One day I raised the Sunrise Boulevard, one of quite friendly with my study part¬ topic of her funeral and memorial Sacramento’s major streets, and ner, a 64-year-old man, who had service. was explaining to a clerk where returned to school to finish his “Oh, honey,” she responded, “I my home was located for billing degree. He confessed he had once really don’t care about the details.” purposes. thought more than friendship Later she woke from a nap and “I live between Sunrise and might be a possibility. grasped my hand, clearly wanting Sunset,” I told her. “So what changed your mind?” to share something with me. As I “Oh, honey,” she knowingly I asked him. leaned forward, she said urgently, replied, “we all do.” “I went to my doctor and asked

“Just don’t bury me in plaid.” - LINDA MCLEAN if he thought a 40-year age differ¬

- DIANE WILSON ence between a man and woman For over 40 years my grandfa¬ was insurmountable. He looked at I was just settling into ther put in long hours at his my chart and said, ‘You’re inter¬ job, so I was more than a little ested in someone who’s 104?’” a barber's chair when curious about the way he filled - KELLY MOORE I overheard the elderly his days since his retirement. man next to me say, “How has life changed?” I asked. A man of few words, he "I'm not much for pills, replied, “Well I get up in but I am taking Ginkgo- the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at Viagra. I want to night with it half-done.” remember what sex - DENNIS LUNDBERG was like." was having some chest - BILL WRIGHT I pains, but my cardiolo¬ Because they had no reserva¬ gist assured me nothing tions at a busy restaurant, my was wrong. Then I told elderly neighbor and his wife him I was planning a were told there would be a 45- cruise to Alaska and minute wait for a table. asked if he had any “Young man, we’re both suggestions for avoiding 90 years old,” he told the maitre d’. the discomfort. “We may not have 45 minutes.” “Have fun,” he said They were seated immediately. with a straight face, “but “I wouldn’t raise my hopes too high if I were you. - RITA KALISH don’t go overboard.”

- LES WANDEL

131 The Way

This is a story of loss go ahead and change the prescrip¬ writing on the wall, which I can and denial. It begins in tion because I don’t do close work. most assuredly do—provided it is Colorado, on the free¬ “Do you look things up in neatly spaced and billboard-sized. way. I am looking for phone books?” she asks. “Use I am old and my eyesight is going. an exit called Drake Way. I notice maps?” She means, Do I read She says to cheer up, that I don’t I am hunched forward, squinting, small print? She means I’m going have to get bifocals, “just a pair of barely going 40. All around me, to have trouble with small print. reading glasses.” In my book, drivers beam hate rays into my car. That I’m suddenly, without warn¬ reading glasses are not cause for At precisely the moment at which ing, old and enfeebled. Nonsense, cheer. They are cause for depres¬ it is too late to veer out of the exit I insist. sion, or regression, or diphtheria, lane, I note that the sign above me She shrugs and gives me a pair I don’t know exactly, because I can does not say Drake Way; it says of stronger lenses to try. Then she no longer read what’s in my book. Homer P. Gravenstein Memorial hands me a bottle of lens drops, There was a time when I want¬ Highway. This is not good. points to the label and asks me to ed to wear half-glasses, the way I go to my optometrist, who read it. This puzzles me, for any young children want to have hesitates to up my prescription. fool can see there’s nothing writ¬ crutches or braces until the day She says that with a stronger dis¬ ten on that label, just tiny lines of they actually need them. Today tance correction, I’m going to decorative filigree. I study it hard¬ I do not want to wear reading start having trouble with what er. It is writing. “Do not use while glasses, not at all. Reluctantly, she calls “close work.” Apparently operating heavy machinery?” I am I wander over to the local she has mistaken me for one of guessing. “Now with more real drugstore. her patients who assemble fruit? Homer P. Gravenstein The packaging on the reading microchips or tat antimacassars Memorial Highway?” I hang my glasses shows kindly white-haired by firelight. I tell her she should head. It’s time to read the hand¬ people in business suits. The eye-

132 In my book, reading glasses are not cause for glass company has gone cheer. They are cause for depression, or regression, out of their way to dress or diphtheria, I don't know exactly, because I can the models like function¬ ing adults, as though no longer read what's in my book. people who need reading glasses can still contribute to sound like any of it. I believe of them, for driving. I figure I’ve society, when everyone knows someone made up this “elder eye” got another five or six years they just sit at home tatting and business, someone cruel and before anyone calls me Elder reading telephone books. I can’t youthful, with four-point lettering Eyes. You could say I’m in denial. go through with it. There has to on his business card. I look up the Or you could write it on a piece of be another way. etymology of “presbyopia” in paper, and by God, I’ll be able to At home, I do an Internet my dictionary, but alas, someone read it. ▲ search for “presbyopia.” This is a has replaced the words mistake. The websites that turn with lines of decorative up have names like Seniorjournal filigree. or Friendly4Seniors.com. One site So here’s what I’m informs me that “presbyopia” going to do. I’m not comes from the Greek for “elder getting bifocals or read¬ eye.” I don’t appreciate this, not ing glasses. I’m going one bit. I’m not elderly. I’m 43. to leave my contacts Besides, I know some Greek under-corrected (spanakopita, Onassis, that word and get a pair of you say when the appetizer distance glasses ignites), and “presbyopia” doesn’t to wear on top

133 I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked up at me. "You look better in person than you do on paper."

- CAROLYN BLANKENSHIP

Someone recommended a new I was turning 40 and decided to My husband was bending over dentist to me. On my second celebrate by fulfilling my long¬ to tie my three-year-old’s visit the technician finished time dream to go sky-diving. shoes. That’s when I noticed my cleaning my teeth, and as I pre¬ Before the jump, my mother and I son, Ben, staring at my husband’s pared to leave, I asked brightly, spent the day at a festival, where head. “And what is your name?” we bumped into two of my He gently touched the slightly “Patricia,” she answered. cousins. They inquired about my thinning spot of hair and said in “I can remember that,” I com¬ upcoming birthday, and when I a concerned voice, “Daddy, you mented. “It’s my sister’s name.” told them about my jump from have a hole in your head. Does it Her reply: “That’s what you said 10,000 feet, I could tell they were hurt?” last time.” a bit mystified. After a pause, I heard my - IRIS CRADDOCK Finally one of them remarked, husband’s murmured reply: “Not “Why don’t physically.”

/ you just - LAURIE GERHARDSTEIN

' ' get your breasts Just as she was celebrating her done like 80th birthday, our friend everyone received a jury-duty notice. She else?” called to remind the people at the - BARBARA clerk’s office that she was exempt BIANCO because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” they said. “I’ve already done that,” replied my friend. “I did it last year.” “You have to do it every year,” she was told. “Why?” came the response. “Do you think I’m going to get younger?”

- JONNIE SIVLEY You mean the older I get, the older you get?” Aging Gracelessly

Checking out of the grocery Fans of ’60s music, my store, I noticed the bag boy 14-year-old daughter eyeing my two adopted children. and her best friend got They often draw scrutiny, since front-row tickets to a my son’s a blond Russian, while Peter, Paul and Mary my daughter has shiny black concert. When they Haitian skin. returned home, my The boy continued staring as he daughter said, carried our groceries to the car. “During the show, Finally he asked, “Those your kids?” we looked back and “They sure are,” I said with pride. saw hundreds of lit¬ “They adopted?” tle lights swaying to “Yes,” I replied. the music. At first “I thought so,” he concluded. “I we thought the figured you’re too old to have kids people were hold¬ that small.” ing up cigarette

- CYNTHIA S. MEYER lighters. Then we realized that the lights I was middle-aged when I went were the reflections off back to college, which meant all the eyeglasses in the Recently visiting my home¬ some of my classmates were audience.” town, I ran into Bev, a

20 years younger. Still, many - TRACY FLACHSBARTH classmate I had not seen in years. became my friends. We updated each other on I ran into one of them recently Back at my high school for the careers, marriages, children, and in a restaurant he manages, and tenth reunion, I met my old found common ground discussing he, my husband and I all had a coach. Walking through the gym, the joys and hardships of being pleasant chat at the cashier’s we came upon a plaque on which the single parent of a teenager. counter. As we said good-bye, my I was still listed as the record She admitted the decisions she young friend explained to the holder for the longest softball made and advice she gave as a couple behind us, “She and I were throw. mother were based on hope and college classmates.” I noticed the Noticing my surprise, the instinct rather than any certainty confused look on their faces. coach said, “That record will of what was best. I agreed, but Later, I asked my husband, stand forever.” said our parents probably felt the “What do you suppose they were I was about to make some same way—and we hadn’t turned thinking?” modest disclaimer that records out too badly. “Either that he’s had a very easy exist to be broken, when he “Yeah,” she replied. “But we had life,” he replied, “or you’ve had a added, “We stopped holding that real parents. Our kids just have us.” very hard one.” event years ago.” I understood exactly what she

- BARBARA OUTLAW LEE - GENE HEAD meant.

- JOHN R. GRIFFIN

135 s a professor at Texas We had our ten-year- lA&M, I taught during old daughter late in the day and did research at life, long after our two night. I would usually take a boys were born. She is the break around nine, however, joy of my husband’s life, calling up the strategy game but he is self-conscious Warcraft on the Internet and about being an older playing with an online team. father. He likes to jokingly One night I was paired tell people that by the time with a veteran of the game she graduates from high who was a master strategist. school, he’ll be in a nursing With him at the helm, our W home. troops crushed opponent I One day she asked, after opponent, and after six “Mom, you know how Dad games we were undefeated. always says he’ll be in a Suddenly, my fearless leader home when I graduate?” I informed me his mom wanted “Giving up on the diet, Lenny?” nodded, expecting some sad him to go to bed. question about mortality. “How old are you?” I typed. “You should have brought along “Can I have the car then?” “Twelve,” he replied. “How old your pontoon boat,” she replied. - TERRI GRAY are you?” - BETTY JO HENDRICK Feeling my face redden, I As an assistant high-school answered, “Eight.” One of the English classes I track coach, I recorded the - TODD SAYRE, PH.D. taught at Deltona high school results of each home meet and in Florida consisted of a particu¬ made copies for all the coaches. My hearing had gotten worse, larly well-motivated group of But because our track shed did and ultimately I was faced juniors. Students felt free to ask not have electricity, I had to use with a decision: buy a pontoon questions on any subject that con¬ carbon paper. A freshman team boat, which I could enjoy all cerned them. member offered to help, and I summer, or get a hearing aid. One afternoon a girl raised her showed her how to place the car¬ The choice was obvious—to me hand and asked me to explain all bon paper shiny side down so that at least. However, my sisters did the talk about a woman’s “biologi¬ the image would transfer to the not approve of the boat. cal clock.” After I’d finished, there sheet beneath it. One day during lunch with was a moment of silence, and “What will they think of next?” them, I was having trouble follow¬ then another hand shot up. she said in astonishment. “Pretty ing the conversation. Finally “Mrs. Woodard,” a student soon we won’t need copy I leaned over to one of my asked, “is your clock still ticking, machines anymore.”

sisters and asked what had just or has the alarm gone off?” - BARBARA LOOMIS

been said. - LINDA R. WOODARD

136 Aging Gracelessly

Korey, my granddaughter, ’ve been considering a face-lift, "ost of my students at Choate I but it’s very expensive, so I’ve m;-Rosemary Hall, a boarding came to spend a few seesawed back and forth. One day school in Wallingford, Conn., are weeks with me, and I my husband and I discussed it yet more computer literate than I. decided to teach her again when I asked, “What if I So I was surprised to find one drop dead three months later? sophomore writing a term paper how to sew. After I had Then what would you do?” on an electric typewriter. gone through a lengthy After a moment of reflection he In a reminiscent mood I said, demonstration of how to offered, “I guess we’d have an “When I was in school my type¬ open casket.” writer wasn’t even electric.” thread the machine, - CAROL FUGERE She looked at me in shock Korey stepped back and and asked, “Do you mean it was uring a visit with a friend at battery-operated?” put her hands on her d;an assisted living center, - AMY D. FOSTER hips. "You mean you can I was invited to stay for do all that," she said in lunch. As we entered the cafeteria, she disbelief, "but you can't leaned toward me operate my Game Boy?" and whispered,

- NELL BARON “They have two lines here. We call them While my friend Emily was cane and able.” visiting her mother, they - MARTHA LEONARD went for a walk and bumped into an old family acquaintance. “Is this At his 103rd your daughter?” the woman asked. birthday party, “Oh, I remember her when she was my grandfather was this high. How old is she now?” asked if he thought Without pausing, Emily’s moth¬ that he’d be around er said, “Twenty-four.” Emily, 35, for his 104th. nearly fainted on the spot. “I certainly do,” After everyone had said their he replied. good-byes, Emily asked her moth¬ “Statistics show er why she’d told such a whopper. that very few people “Well,” she replied, “I’ve been die between the ages lying about my age for so long, it of 103 and 104.” suddenly dawned on me that I’d - HARRY P. COLEMAN have to start lying about yours too.” ‘Not those! At our age, we need all the - ROBERT LEE WHITMIRE preservatives we can get.”

137 ^ BY CATHERINE GILDINER

Nr ot long ago I hit the have been my first financial tip- The office was decorated high-water mark, the off, and there, appropriately entirely in taupe. In fact the taupe big 5-0.1 was having located near an antique store, was assistants were detectable only breakfast with my a door that simply said Cosmetic when they moved. As a woman rowing team at 6:30 a.m. after a Surgery. next to me placed her pedicured tough workout on the lake. We I figured if I was at my worst, feet upon a Ralph Lauren were sprawled in our booth, in the good doctor might be more ottoman, she advised, “It’s always unflattering spandex uniforms sympathetic and give me an extra best to elevate.” Every one of the that were designed for 18-year- stitch or two, so I arrived in my other clients looked about 35, yet olds, when an old friend rowing uniform, a hideous hat somehow exhausted. All had deep sauntered by looking like Miss and tube socks. Out of breath, I tans, small black T-shirts and san¬ America on the runway. Naturally approached the desk at 9 a.m. to dals with huge platform soles. we grilled Nicole* about her spa, announce my wrinkled arrival and Their hair was tousled, looking as her masseuse, her skin cream. She was told the doctor was already though they had just stepped out dismissed all with a flick of her running an hour late. I had no of a Mercedes convertible, and acrylic nails. “I had my eyes idea you could be “done” at dawn. highlighted with various shades of done,” she whispered. I was greeted by four very thin blonde. Most wore a size 4, and Impressed, I booked an assistants in taupe Armani outfits. no one was larger than a 6.1 felt appointment with Nicole’s plastic One of them asked if I needed like a sumo wrestler in my size 8. surgeon. I had to wait three water, another brought Swiss Later when I told Nicole about months for the appointment, but water-washed decaf from a gold these 30-something, fatigued and as Nicole said, I’d need it more by carafe, and one handed over a wasted women in the waiting then, anyway. clipboard that asked my age and room, she looked at me as though On a summer’s day when every¬ “how I wanted to see myself.” The I was too stupid to be believed thing except me was in bloom, I last one told me I had to pay $160 and said, “They looked strained trooped off to Toronto’s tony for the consultation before I saw because they’re in their 50s and Yorkville district, which should the doctor. they’ve been done—stretched to

* Not her real name

138 the limit.” I was facing an aesthet¬ looked intently at my face. He course, the brow would have to be ic dilemma. Was it better to look then uttered his first bit of insight tightened.” He tapped my chin 35, tired and anorexic, or 50, in what turned out to be a seven- and all along my jawbone. “What happy and rested? To put this in minute consult: “Mrs. Gildiner,” are we to do with this Elizabethan some perspective: I could still he said, “let me assure you—you collar? This all needs tightening.” look really young and spry at a look every one of your 51 years.” Staring at my face dead-on, he seniors’ yoga class. (For this I’m paying $23 a minute!) said: “Then, of course, there are I was soon called in to meet Trying to scrape my face off the the jowls. I’d get a jump on it.” The Doctor. Deposited in one of a floor, I replied with suitable I managed to whimper, “Nicole labyrinth of consulting rooms, I understatement, “I thought I only had her eyes done.” gazed around at walls covered in might just get my eyes done— “Well,” he said, “you’re not gold-filigreed mirrors. very subtly of course.” Nicole.” He pulled my cheeks out The light was unflattering; I “Look in the mirror.” He held until they almost hit the opposite found wrinkles I’d never noticed, up a magnifying mirror, the kind walls, and said, “Nicole doesn’t even in sunlight. Naturally I did they used on Snow White’s step¬ have that kind of elasticity.” what any woman my age would mother, and asked, “What could Concluding his seven-minute do: I pulled back my skin at the be improved?” As I gazed, the consultation, he announced, hairline to see how a face-lift mirror began announcing, actual¬ “Whatever you have done will would help. ly screaming, all kinds of new have to be repeated in five years.” Finally the doctor entered, jaun¬ imperfections. As he breezed out the door, he tily. He was trim and wore a I hesitated, mesmerized by the called: “I’m off! The girls will tell sports jacket in raw-silk pastel, Medusa before me, and the doctor you all you need to know.” the kind men wear to early-bird leaped into the pause. One of the taupe four came dinners in Miami. “I don’t think I “I’ll tell you what I see. The in and took me to a wood-paneled really need to be here—I just eyes are a given. I won’t even go room, dimly lit by a green-shaded came for a consult,” I said. there. What about the bags under¬ desk lamp. In this light, she showed He glanced at my chart and neath, and the puffiness? Of me a scrapbook of miracle lifts.

139 ► Facing My Midlife Crisis

A few of the women really looked Once you realize that the fear of death a lot younger, but most looked like Zsa Zsa Gabor before and is the hub of the midlife crisis and deal after. with that, the rest is just details. No one had mentioned price. At the risk of sounding crass, I asked what the cost would be for eyes “Cheap, cheap, cheap. Go for it!” give you a free bibliographic and the tiniest of tucks, say two Looking closely at my forehead, consult.” She went into the house or three stitches. She slid an enve¬ he added: “But for God’s sake, and reappeared with a book— lope that said Personal and don’t let them inject Botox into The Denial of Death by philoso¬ Confidential in tiny taupe letters those worry lines in your fore¬ pher Ernest Becker. Handing it to across the table. head. Tell them to just cut that me, she said, “I’ll bet that doctor I opened it. In my head I heard muscle or they’ll grow back.” doesn’t have this in his waiting the ka-ching! of a cash register. “What’s Botox?” room.” Samuel Johnson was right The tab was more than $20,000, “It’s a poison from the same when he suggested that the payable by certified check. family as botulism toxin. The prospect of death wonderfully “Gee, $20,000 seems like a lot plastic surgeon injects Botox to concentrates the mind. Once you of money,” I squeaked. The assis¬ paralyze your muscles so you realize that the fear of death is the tant replied: “It beats the $37,500 can’t pull your eyes together or hub of the midlife crisis and deal you’d pay for the work that was furrow your brow and make those with that, the rest is just details. suggested. Remember, it’s an lines again.” I now tuck my Elizabethan investment. Do you ever take I wondered aloud, “If you can’t collar into my turtleneck and fold your car in for a tune-up and an furrow your brow, does that mean my jowls under my balaclava in oil change?” I nodded my corru¬ you aren’t worried anymore?” winter. I have begun to realize gated face in the affirmative. The dermatologist rolled his that I earned these lines. And on “Well, that’s only a car.” eyes. the odd day when I want to deny Later that day I went for my When I finally staggered home, the inevitability of death, I simply annual dermatologist’s appoint¬ walking up my street feeling like wear a tight hair band. ▲ ment, to find out if any of my the Elephant Man, my neighbor thousands of freckles had turned Helen, who is over 70 and still into melanomas. When I told the looks beautiful and vibrant in doctor about my morning every light, was out tending her sojourn, he asked one question: nasturtiums. As I regaled her with the price. When I told him, he the day’s events, she furrowed her chirped like a bird on speed: non-Botoxed brow and said, “I’ll

140

Shortly after my father’s death, When my husband worked at My grandfather’s aunt passed my 90-year-old grandmother a prison, we only had one away, and he went to pay his insisted that my mother have a car, so I used to roll out of bed at respects. At the funeral home, he complete physical. After some 5 a.m., drive him to work, then overheard two women as they debate, my mother reluctantly come home and go back to sleep. peered into the open casket. made an appointment. The doctor One day while talking to some “She looks wonderful,” said one. not only gave her a clean bill of co-workers, my husband took “I’ve never seen her look so good. health, but remarked that she’d out his wallet and showed them Why, she looks better than I do!” probably live to be 110. pictures of me and my daughter. “You’re right,” the other replied. To our surprise, my grandmoth¬ One of the photos of me was a “But remember, you have the flu.” er did not seem entirely pleased “glamour shot” that I had posed - SARAH SHORT by the good report. She sat quietly for at the mall. for a few minutes, then said with a “Wow,” a colleague remarked. A friend spent more than two sigh, “And just what am I going to “Who’s that?” hours in the salon getting her do with a 110-year-old daughter?” “My wife,” my husband proudly hair colored, cut and blow-dried.

- B.L.M. replied. After all that, was it too much to “Oh,” his friend responded, ask to be treated like Cinderella looking puzzled. entering the ball? “Then who’s that Yet when she went to the desk woman who to pay, the receptionist said to her, drops you off in “Hello, who is your appointment the mornings?” with today?”

- LISA J. PROCTOR - PETER CROMPTON

Heading off to college at the age of 40,1 was a bit self- conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the old¬ est student in my class. “Even the teacher is younger than I am,” I said. “Yeah, but look at it from my point of view,” he said optimisti¬ cally. “I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over.”

- BRENDA MCMILLEN “It’s definitely hereditary. It’s called aging.”

142 Aging Gracelessly

A few years ago, I opened the Turning 50 two years ago, I invitation to my cousin’s took a lot of good-natured 100th birthday party. On the ribbing from family and friends. front—in bold letters—it I had laryngitis So as my wife’s 50th birthday screamed, “If he’s heard it once, approached, I decided to get in he’s heard it a hundred times. and finally some needling of my own. I sat Happy Birthday, Sam!” her down, looked deep into her - LOUIS GLICKMAN decided to go to eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over y four-year-old nephew, the doctor. 50 years old. Brett, had drawn a picture “Oh, well, I have,” she dead- for his grandmother, and was anx¬ After the panned. “It’s not that great.” ious to show it to her. Finding the - BOB MORELAND door to her bathroom unlocked, nurse called he burst inside just as she was Approaching 40, my frugal stepping out of the shower, soak¬ for me, she husband yearned for a boat. ing wet and without a towel. Frugality won out until the day He looked her up and down for asked my age. he came across the obituary of an a moment, then stated quite mat- old high-school classmate, Ted. ter-of-factly, “Grandma, you look “Forty-nine,” Certain this was a sign that life better with your glasses on.” was too short, my husband pur¬ I whispered. chased a boat that weekend. A student in my math course Days later, a former classmate at Ohlone State College in called. “Sure was a sad thing, Fremont, Calif., developed a severe wasn’t it?” he said. “You know, case of tendinitis. Since she “Don’t worry,” Ted’s boating accident and all.” couldn’t write, she brought a video - CHRISTINE CRAIG camera to tape my lectures. After she whispered three or four classes, I asked her I was having lunch with several if she found the method satisfac¬ back. “I won’t thirty-something friends when tory. She said it was working quite talk turned to the dismal prospect well, even better than note-taking. tell anyone.” of our growing older. “Actually,” she confessed, “I “Well, judging by my mother,” have another reason for doing I said, “at least my hearing will this. When I told my mother you Lola P. Bell improve. My mother can hear were a widower, she wanted to my biological clock ticking from see what you look like.” 200 miles away.”

- GERSHON WHEELER - SHERRY YATES

143 I had just had my 50th birthday Now that I’m over 40, younger After a shopping expedition, and found the decade marker teammates have begun to my friend Gina and I stopped traumatic. When I went to get tease me about my declining abili¬ in a local bar for a drink. We my driver’s license renewed, a ties as a softball player. During hadn’t been seated long when she matter-of-fact woman typed out one game, I was playing third base leaned over and said that four the information, tested my vision, when a batter ripped a shot over young men at the next table were snapped the camera and handed my head. I leapt as high as I could, watching us. Since we’re both 30- me a laminated card with my but the ball tipped off the end of something, married with children, picture on it. my glove and fell safely for a hit. we found the situation flattering. “You mean I have to look at this At the end of the inning, I was We sat a little straighter and tried for the next four years?” I jokingly heading for the dugout when our to look slimmer and younger. said to her. left fielder caught up with me. In a few minutes, one of the “Don’t worry about it,” she “That much!” he called, holding men got up and came toward our replied. “In four years it’ll look his thumb and forefinger a couple table. “Excuse me,” he said. Then good to you.” of inches apart. he reached over our heads to turn - NANCY FIRESTONE “I know,” I replied. “I almost up the volume on the televised had it.” ball game. We invited some old friends “No,” he said. “I mean that’s - SANDRA LYONS to help celebrate my 40th how far you got off the ground.” birthday. My husband went out to - RANDY HAWKINS While on maternity leave, a buy a gift, and he saw some cute woman from our office little music boxes. A blue one was brought in her new bundle of joy. playing “Happy Birthday to She also had her seven-year- You.” Thinking they were all old son with her. Everyone the same, he picked up a red gathered around the baby, one and asked the clerk to and the little boy asked, have it gift-wrapped. “Mommy, can I have some When we sat down to money to buy a soda?” dinner, he gave it to me, “What do you say?” she said. asked me to open it and— Respectfully, the boy surprise—out came replied, “You’re thin and the tune to “The old beautiful.” gray mare, she ain’t The woman reached in what she used to be.” _ her purse and gave her - MRS. EARL DAVENPORT son the money.

' - MERCURY NICKSE

“Dad?!”

144 ■■ Bm mm BBSS QUOTABLE QUOTES I 1 You can get old pretty young if 1 you don't take care of yourself. I

- YOG! BERRA, I What Time Is It? You Mean Now? (Simon & Schuster) I wear glasses so I can look for things Hair is the first thing. And teeth the second. A man’s got those I keep losing. two things, he’s got it all. — BILL COSBY, Time Flies (Bantam Books) - JAMES BROWN

Wisdom comes with age, but keep it to yourself.

- MARY ROACH in Health I’m at the age where my back goes out more than I do. Let the wind I - PHYLLIS DILLER blow through One of the best parts of growing older? You can your hair flirt all you like since you’ve become harmless. while you still - LIZ SMITH I in The Older the Fiddle, the Better the Tune by Willard Scott (Hyperion) have some.

- DAVE WEINBAUM I What I’ve learned is that life is too i short and movies are too long. n - DENIS LEARY in GQ

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible.

- JUDITH REGAN in More Once you hit 40, it is This is a dangerous situation. check. They live in a candyland time to think twice Expose a middle-aged woman to of denial and residual carnality. about miniskirts. Also, nothing but miniskirts and abbre¬ They still, bless them, like to see string bikinis, midriff¬ viated tops for long enough, and a little flesh. baring tops, skintight or low-rise she’s bound to cave. One day, My husband recently made me jeans that have been sanded when her self-esteem is danger¬ try on a bikini. A bikini is not so white the length of the thighs, as ously high and the dressing room much a garment as a cloth-based though the wearer had been tied lights dangerously low, she’ll try reminder that your parts have to a bumper and dragged face¬ on something designed for her been migrating all these years. down around the block a few daughter and say to herself, “Oh, My waist, I realized that day in times. These are clothes for why not?” If she happens to be the dressing room, has completely young people. shopping with her children, the disappeared beneath my rib cage, Alas, this is what the stores are answer to this question will be which now rests directly on my selling. Today’s popular clothing provided for her. But middle-aged hips. I’m exhibiting continental chains appeal strictly to teen¬ husbands offer no such reality drift in reverse. agers, who can be counted upon The buttocks, too, have to change their tastes every A bikini is not so overrun their boundaries, 30 days, as the latest Cosmo Girl infringing on territory that or Teen Vogue arrives in the mail. much a garment as a rightly belongs to the thighs. I Customers like me cannot possi¬ cloth-based reminder have encouraged my thighs to bly afford new clothing more than do something about this— once a decade, owing to the finan¬ that your parts have restraining order, guard dog— cial strain of paying for teenage been migrating all but they have not. Your thighs children’s rapidly shifting fashion are rarely there for you. needs. So no one bothers to make these years. “Cute!” says Ed dementedly. clothing for us. “Turn around.”

146 Ed does not understand what all God help me, I've entered the Age women my age understand. The of Skirted Swimwear. mature lady’s buttock does not wish to come out and take a bow. The foot is more or less the “You know,” she said brightly, Designers of mature ladies’ swim¬ one body part that time leaves “your feet flatten as you age.” wear know this. They’ve built alone. Well into your 70s, you I went to find Ed, and I told little curtains into their designs, can wear whatever style shoes him about my flattening instep. enabling the sagging buttock to you feel like wearing. Positioned, He smiled and put his arm around keep hidden, and/or cast votes as they are, at the bottom of the me. That still fits, and for this in privacy. God help me, I’ve heap, gravity is not an issue. Or I’m happy. ▲ entered the Age of Skirted so I thought. Shortly after the Swimwear. This is the age right swimsuit debacle, I tried on a after Accessorizing with Reading pair of pointy-toed black Glasses and a few years before pumps, the sort that Can’t Name Anyone on the Radio. actresses on “Sex W (K G o t-'l Even the knees are in on the and the City” were betrayal. I recently saw a tabloid wearing for 30 days photograph of a 40-something back in spring. Demi Moore with her knees circled “How do those in red, highlighting the fact that work for you?” the they were disappearing under salesgirl asked. I told the shifting shoals of her thighs. her they were pinch¬ Ha-ha, I said to myself. Just deserts ing me, and not in an for having a face and breasts appreciative, you- (and a boyfriend) that look 25. look-just-like-that- Then I looked at my own knees, gal-on-“Sex and which I plan never to do again. the City” way.

147 The3 stages of man. Aging Gracelessly

Paul was in his mid-60s and had One of the salesclerks at a istening to the radio, I heard just retired. He was planning local stationery store had to the disc jockey announce, to landscape his yard and was try¬ be a good sport to survive her “This next record is for Pete ing to find some small shrubs or 40th birthday. Not only did she Malloy, who is 111 years old.” trees. Burleigh, a 90-year-old from have to put up with two large ban¬ There was a pause, and then, “My across the street, offered Paul ners that announced: “Cathy is 40 goodness, that is old, isn’t it!” some white-ash saplings that were today!” but she also had to spend Another pause. “Oh, I’m sorry. I about two feet tall. the day with other saleswomen got that wrong. This next record Paul asked, “How long will it who wore tags saying: “Pm not is for Pete Malloy, who is ill.” take them to be full grown?” Cathy.” - VALERIE BALL “Twenty years or so,” replied - HELEN BECOUVARAKIS Burleigh. To celebrate his 40th birthday, “No good for me, then,” said my boss, who is battling mid¬ Paul. “I won’t be around that Having fought the battle dle-age spread, bought a new long.” convertible sports car. As a finish¬ The 90-year-old shook his head of the bulge most of my ing touch, he put on a vanity plate and replied, “We’ll miss ya!” life, I found the battle with the inscription “18 Again.” - CLYDENE SAVAGE The wind was let out of his sails, getting even harder as I however, when a salesman My friend Brad, whose youth¬ approached middle age. entered our office the following ful looks belied his actual One evening, after trying week. age and experience, flew charter “Hey,” he called out, “who owns flights in Florida. One day he was on slacks that were too the car with the plate ‘I ate assigned to take an elderly woman tight, I said to my hus¬ again’?” across the Everglades to Naples. band, Til be so glad - CINDY GILLIS She studied him carefully as he when we become grand¬ helped her with her seat belt. Jim, my 40-something husband, Once airborne, with nothing parents. After all, who was playing basketball with but water and swamp below, she cares if grandmothers friends his age. “Pretty soon,” said cleared her throat and said appre¬ one of his teammates, “we’ll have hensively, “You seem awfully are fat?” to count it as a basket if the ball young. How long have you His prompt reply: just hits the rim.” “Yeah,” Jim agreed. “It’s scary been flying?” "Grandfathers." Brad flashed his most charming when you have to look through -IRIS CAVIN grin. “You mean counting today?” the bottom part of your bifocals he answered. to shoot layups and the top part - BOB WHITE on jump shots.” - PAMELA HELMER

149 My father, at age 93, had only I was with my husband at a base¬ license, the clerk served me the the most basic needs and ball game in Boston’s Fenway beer. “That will be $4.25.” very few wants. Last fall, my sis¬ Park when I decided to go get I gave him $5 and told him to ter-in-law, hoping to get a little myself a hot dog. As I stood up keep the change. “The tip’s for help in choosing a suitable birth¬ my husband asked me to buy him carding me,” I said. day gift for him, asked, “Pa, what a beer. The young clerk at the He put the change in the tip would you like for your birthday concession stand asked to see cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works this year?” verification of age. every time.” “Nothing,” he replied. “You’ve got to be kidding,” I - ANGIE DEWHURST “But, Pa,” she kidded, “that’s said. “Pm almost 40 years old.” what we gave you last year.” He apologized, but said he had to “Well,” he answered, “Pm still insist. When I showed him my using it.”

- L. M. COUILLARD Speaking of war and laughter—put together, it's called marriage. Despite thousands of years of practice, men and women still don't connect well. But it's fun to watch 'em try. r n

“My son’s into extreme sports, my daughter’s into extreme makeover, and my husband's into extreme denial.”

L J Venus and Mars

Our Lamaze class included a hall and he said nothing. I com¬ My sister went shopping for tour of the pediatric wing at plained that he had not even blue jeans with her husband, the hospital. When a new baby noticed my hair. “You used to pay Steve. She chose a few pairs to try was brought into the nursery, all attention to every little thing, and on and went into the fitting room, the women tried to guess its now you don’t notice anything! while Steve waited outside. A weight, but the guy standing next You take me for granted!” minute later he heard her crying to me was the only male to ven¬ My husband stood there rub¬ softly. Concerned, Steve said ture a number. “Looks like 9 1/2 bing his face as he let me rant and through the door, “Honey, really, pounds,” he offered confidently. rave. Then it hit me: He’d shaved it doesn’t matter if you’ve gone up “This must not be your first,” off his six-month-old beard. a size or two.”

I said. - MELONY ANDERSON Soon she came out, limping “Oh, yes, it’s my first.” slightly and pretty upset. The “Then how would you know the My sister’s lack of sports problem wasn’t the size of her weight of a baby?” knowledge recently became pants; she had stubbed her toe in He shrugged. “I’m a fisherman.” evident when we attended a pro¬ the dressing room. - TIM LOVERSKY hockey game. After one of the - JULIE LAW home players scored, the crowd Heavy snow had buried my screamed and the monitors r-Timeless Humor from the van in our driveway. My hus¬ around the rink flashed: “G O A L.” band, Scott, dug around the After cheering wildly, my sister A husband-and-wife photogra¬ wheels, rocked the van back and turned and asked, “Who’s Al?” phy team we know shoot their pictures together, do their forth and finally pushed me free. - KAREN KELLY developing and printing I was on the road when I heard together—in fact, they’re s part of our regular service, an odd noise. I got on my cell and A together 24 hours of the day. called home. members of the congregation We wondered how they man¬ “Thank God you answered,” are permitted to make announce¬ aged to keep up such good I said when Scott picked up. ments or requests for prayers. working relations. “There’s this alarming sound One man, Bob, mentioned his "Well, frankly,” the wife coming from under the van. For a upcoming 37th wedding anniver¬ said, “it wouldn’t work out if one of us didn’t have a good moment I thought I was dragging sary. At the obvious nudging of disposition." his wife, he quickly corrected that you down the highway.” “Which one?” we asked. “And you didn’t stop?” to 38. “Oh,” she laughed, “we take - PAIGE FAIRFIELD As the chuckling died down, turns.”

heard from the back of the church - ELIZABETH JETER My husband and I, married was, “I’d like to offer a prayer for 13 years, were dressing for Bob.” a party. I’d spent all day getting a - JUDITH L. LENSINK haircut and permanent, then as we were leaving, we met in the

153 After my husband and I My daughter had had a huge argument, absentmindedly left we ended up not talking to her sneakers on our each other for days. Finally, kitchen table. “That’s dis¬ on the third day, he asked gusting,” my husband where one of his shirts grumbled. “Doesn’t she was. “Oh,” I said, “now realize we eat off that you’re speaking to me.” table?” Then he went out He looked confused. back to work on the car. “What are you talking I cleaned the table about?” and left to do my gro¬ “Haven’t you noticed I cery shopping. When I haven’t spoken to you for came home I couldn’t three days?” I challenged. set my bags down any¬ “No,” he said. “I just where. Sitting in the thought we were getting middle of the kitchen along.” table was a car muffler.

- KATHERINE HORGAN - BETH DORIA ‘Romance has nothing to do with it. Dan and I are renewing our marriage vows because After the birth of my son, a he has forgotten them.” t seemed that all our appli¬ woman from the records i:ances had broken in the department stopped by my hospi¬ same week, and repairs were tal room to get information for his When my parents run the straining our budget. So when I birth certificate. “Father’s date of dishwasher, they let each picked up the kids from school birth?” she asked. When I told her, other know the dishes are clean and our Jeep started making rat¬ she said, “Do you realize that his by placing the box of detergent on tling sounds, I decided that rather birthday is exactly nine months the counter. When Mom got home than burden my husband, Fd deal before your son’s birth?” from work one day, she was sur¬ with it. I hadn’t reckoned on my “No, I hadn’t thought about it,” I prised to find the detergent on little tattletales, however. They responded, “but now that you the counter, since she had emp¬ rushed into the house with the mention it, I have a daughter who tied the dishwasher the night news: “Daddy, the Jeep was break¬ turned two a couple days before before. She couldn’t understand ing down, but Mom made the the same date.” why my dad would run the dish¬ noise stop!” After she finished taking down washer again—until she opened it Impressed, my husband asked, all the data, she patted my hand and found the top tray full of golf “How did you fix it?” and said, “Maybe you should start balls. “I turned up the volume on the

buying your husband a tie for his - MICHELE FERGUSON radio,” I confessed.

birthday.” RUTH TEN VEEN

- M. K. PIGOTT

154 Venus and Mars

Curious when I found Every December it was the Standing in line at the clothing same excruciating tradition. store’s counter, I watched as two black-and-white Our family would get up at the the woman ahead of me handed negatives in a drawer, crack of dawn, go to a Christmas the clerk her credit card. The I had them made into tree farm and tromp across acres customer waited for a long time of snow in search of the perfect while the saleswoman went to prints. I was pleasantly tree. Hours later our feet would verify the account. When she surprised to see they be freezing, but Mom would press finally returned, the clerk said, were of a younger, slim¬ on, convinced the tree of her “I’m sorry, but this card is in your dreams was “just up ahead.” husband’s name, and we can’t mer me taken on one of One year I snapped. “Mom, face accept it because the records my first dates with my it. The perfect tree doesn’t exist. show he is deceased.” It’s like looking for a man. Just be With that, the woman turned to husband. satisfied if you can find one that her spouse, who was standing When I showed him isn’t dead, doesn’t have too many next to her, and asked, “Does this the photographs, his bald spots and is straight.” mean I don’t have to fix lunch for - CHRISTY MARTIN you today?” face lit up. "Wow! - MARILYN ARNOPOL It's my old Plymouth."

- DONNA MARTIN

" ®BE£^====> During my brother’s wedding, my mother had managed to keep from crying—until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather’s wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother’s tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grand¬ mother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. “Well, I’m sorry to ruin your moment,” Grandmother replied. “But I was just checking to see if he was awake.” “You realize, of course, there’s a five-day cooling-off period

- MARK SAMPLE on sports car loans.”

155 While I was dining out with The first time I met my wife, His aching back made it impos¬ my children, a man came she was an intense aerobics sible for my friend’s husband over to our table and we started instructor at my health club and I to get a decent night’s rest on their talking. He asked where my kids was an out-of-shape new member. lumpy mattress. “Until I feel better, go to school. I told him we home- After one grueling workout, I I’m going to sleep on the couch,” he school them. With a raised gasped, “This is really helping me announced. eyebrow he asked if my husband get toned.” Ordinarily, a spouse moving out is the sole breadwinner for our She looked me up and down. of the bedroom isn’t a good sign family. I said no, I also work—out Feeling self-conscious, I added, for the marriage. So his wife of our home. Then, noticing our “Big men run in my family.” couldn’t resist: “Okay, but as soon two-month-old son, he mentioned She raised an eyebrow. as we have an argument you’re that his daughter had just had a “Apparently not enough.” back in our bed.”

baby, and he wondered what hos¬ - JOHN PARKER - ANNA GUTHRIE pital our son was born in. “He was born at home,” I My mom had always wanted 'hen my friend got a job, her answered. to learn to play the piano, so W!husband agreed to share The man looked at me, then Dad bought her one for her birth¬ the housework. He was stunned said, “Wow, you don’t get out day. A few weeks later, I called by the amount of effort involved much, do you?” and asked how she was doing. in keeping a house clean with - LAURA HANSER “We returned the piano,” said small boys to pick up after, and Dad. “I persuaded her to switch to insisted that he and his wife shop fter his marriage broke up, a clarinet.” for a new vacuum cleaner. A!.my manager became very “Why?” I asked. The salesman gave them a philosophical. “I guess it was in “Because,” he explained, “with a demonstration of the latest our stars,” he sighed. clarinet, she can’t sing along.” model. “It comes equipped with “What do you mean?” I asked. - DON FOSTER all the newest features,” he “Her astrological sign is the one assured them. for earth. Mine is the one

156 QUOTABLE QUOTES

Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.

NEIL KINNOCK, British politician

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

CALVIN TRILLIN

Weddings have less to do with being married than with the fact that it is best to begin the most arduous journeys surrounded by friends and wearing nice clothes. Behind

TONY EARLEY, Somehow Form a Family (Algonquin) every great man is a Men want the same thing from woman their underwear that they want rolling her from women: a little bit of support, eyes. and a little bit of freedom. — JIM CARREY in "Bruce Almighty” - JERRY SEINFELD

When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half minutes of your life.

- RICHARD LEWIS

9 Here’s the secret to a happy marriage: ^ Do what your wife tells you.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

JUKJL : ■ ’ ' : : : : She’s Go&^-n

► BY MARY ROACH ■ W* 'V M M vJdlllC

On any given night for and color, but no actual compre¬ declared, and the ball does not the 14 or so months of hension is taking place. Ed have to be caught. Because the the year correspon¬ forgets that this is the case. He’ll batter is declared out, the run¬ ding to baseball see me looking at the screen and ners are no longer forced to run, season, our TV is likely to be assume I’m following the game but they can run if they wish, at tuned to a sports channel. In and expect me to keep track of the risk of being put out...” order to maintain some sem¬ what happens while he goes to “What?” Ed will ask. “What blance of personal contact with the kitchen for a refreshing bev¬ don’t you get?” Apparently this my husband, Ed, during these erage. Sometimes I’m able to language speaks to him in a way months, I often sit beside him on bluff my way through it (“He had that it does not speak to me. One the couch with a book. I don’t it right there in the whack-me night I decided to try putting it mind the chatter of the sports- zone, honey!”), but more often I to work. It was seven o’clock and casters, for my brain processes am forced to confess that 1 have cutlets were growing cold. I sports talk in the same way it not grasped the significance of cleared my throat. “The wife is processes paid political anything I have seen. declared put out when it is din¬ announcements and the cell¬ This is where it gets ugly. This nertime and the game is still phone conversations of strangers. is where Ed tries to turn his wife running. The husband’s attention A man in a navy blazer will say, into—as the men in the blazers has to be caught and because the “No atta-babies in that at-bat!” like to say—a serious student of wife is put out, the husband may and his companion will chime in the game. Plainly put, this cannot wish to run...” with, “It was right there, in the be done. You’d have more luck Ed begged leniency on the whack-me zone!” and it’s as getting a pug to understand grounds that it was “the top of though they’re not there. “Jeopardy.” Take, for instance, the the ninth.” Here again, communi¬ Sometimes I find myself star¬ Infield Fly Rule, which begins, in cation breaks down. For me, ing at the game anyway. I watch the breezy parlance of the there can be no understanding sports the way a dog will watch Official Baseball Rules, like this: of a sport where the “top” of an TV: I’m attracted by the motion “The batter is out when it is inning is the first half. “Think

158 Mary Roach does not see a Heisman Trophy in her future.

of ladders,” I said, as Marvin Last October my tolerance for the possibility that J. T. Snow Benard stepped up to the plate. Ed’s devotion to sports, already could make him happy. Then he “You start at the bottom and threadbare, began to unravel. asked if I wanted to go for a bike go to the top.” But Ed wasn’t The baseball season was winding ride. I decided to drop the sports listening. down, leading me to think that addiction thing, because truly, Ed we could resume our normal doesn’t deserve the hassle. He’s Sometimes I'm able adult activities, if only we had the winningest guy I know, and I any. I came into the living room mean that from the bottom of my to bluff my way one Sunday to find Ed, a man heart, which is the part that through it ("He had who dismisses football as “a comes before the top. ▲ bore,” engrossed in a Broncos it right there in the game. Lie wore a guilty grin. whack-me zone, “Third and long, sweetie!” It was around that time that I honey!"). came across a book about sports “addiction.” It said that for many Benard struck out, and Ed said men, their relationship with their hurtful things about him. This is team fulfills a need for intimacy. my other qualm with pro sports. This got me right there in the I feel bad for the players when whack-me zone. Was J. T. Snow they mess up. The ball Benard doing more for my husband than missed was going 90 m.p.h., and I was? it went all crooked. If I were the I confronted Ed. There was an umpire, I would have laid a hand NFL game on that day, but he on the man’s shoulder and said, wasn’t watching. He was making “Take your base, Marv. You were banana bread. Though he denied really close.” the charges, he wouldn’t rule out

159 In the frozen-foods department After I completed a frantic after¬ Every year on their wedding of our local grocery store, I noon of chores, I walked into anniversary my boss, Woody, noticed a man grocery shopping the living room to find my husband and his wife celebrated by staying with his son. As I walked by, he reclining in his chair. He was look¬ at the same resort hotel. On their checked something off his list, ing bemusedly at our new puppy, 25th anniversary they booked and I heard him whisper conspir- who was napping. “If I wanted to their usual room. But when the atorially to the child, “You know, look at something lying around hotel’s bell captain escorted them if we really mess this up, we’ll sleeping all day,” he complained, upstairs, they were in for a big never have to do it again.” “I would have bought a cat.” surprise.

- JANET CAMPBELL “Or you could have just bought “There must be some mistake,” a mirror,” I said. Woody said. “This looks like the During the hectic time after - TRACEY SMITH bridal suite.” our son was born, my hus¬ “It’s okay,” the bell captain reas¬ band and I went weeks without My husband is a big Atlanta sured him. “If I put you in the being romantic, and it was taking Braves fan. When I saw an ballroom, that doesn’t mean you its toll. As he helped me fold the ad on television for a baseball have to dance.”

laundry one day, I pointed to a autographed by one of his favorite - CONNIE L. SELLERS pile of socks. “Those haven’t been players that cost $42,1 rushed out mated,” I said. and bought it for him as a gift. One morning a customer “I know the feeling,” my hus¬ That evening as we were watch¬ entered my flower shop and band muttered under his breath. ing television, the same ordered a bouquet for his wife. ROBBIN CEDERBLOM commercial came on. Slyly I “No card is necessary,” he glanced over at my husband just instructed us. “She’ll know who as he commented, sent them.” . “What kind of The delivery truck hadn’t even idiot would pay returned to the store when the $42 for a phone rang. It was the customer’s baseball?” wife. “Who sent the flowers?” she - JANICE asked. ADAMS After explaining that the cus¬ tomer had requested that no card be included, I considered the mat¬ ter closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. “You’ve got to tell me who sent the flowers,” she demanded, “before my husband gets home.” “Our credit card was stolen, but I’ve decided not to report it. The thief is spending less than you did!” - LINDA 0. COUCH

160 Venus and Mars

Pregnant with my third child, I realized that the ups and was stricken with a bout of downs of the stock market had morning sickness and lay become too big a part of our life down on the living-room one night as my husband and couch to rest. Just then I prepared for bed. As we slid one of the workmen who beneath the covers, I snug¬ was doing repairs in my gled up to him and told him I house walked by and gave loved him. me a curious look. Drifting off to sleep, he “Taking a little break,” drowsily whispered back, I explained. “I’m in “Your dividend growth my first trimester.” fund went up three days “Really?” he said. this week.”

“What’s your major? - SHIRLEY S. DILLON

- CARA ANDERSON As a paper salesman, I have a While in the checkout line at When, by means of an at-home habit of turning over contain¬ my local hardware store I early pregnancy test, my ers and looking for trademarks. overheard one man say to anoth¬ wife discovered she was pregnant, This really annoys my wife. After er, “My wife has been after me to she tried to get in touch with me dinner at a pizzeria, we were paint our shed. But I let it go for at work. I was out, so she left a handed a box for leftovers. I so long she got mad and did it message. Later, I found a note on craned my neck to get a better herself.” my desk: “E. P. T. —phone home.” look under it. When she rolled His friend nodded. “I like

- JON RISING her eyes, I said, “I’m just trying to women who get mad like that.”

see who made that box.” - C.V. MAYNARD Our dentist recently hired a “I know,” she sighed. “You used beautiful young blonde as a to look at me that way.” When a woman in my dental hygienist. We exchanged - CHRIS J. RATTAN office became engaged, small talk for half an hour as she cleaned my teeth and I gazed into My husband, Mike, and I had a colleague offered her her pale-blue eyes. When she fin¬ several stressful months of some advice. "The first ished, she smiled and said, “You financial difficulties. So one ten years are the hard¬ have the most perfect mouth.” My evening I was touched to see him heart skipped a beat. gazing at the diamond wedding est," she said. Then she continued: “Usually I ring that symbolized our marriage. "How long have you have a lot of trouble reaching peo¬ “With this ring...” I began ple’s wisdom teeth. But your romantically. been married?" I asked. mouth is so big, I can get both “We could pay off Visa,” he "Ten years,” she replied. hands in easily!” responded. - TONYA WINTER

- PHILLIP B. MURRAY - DAWN HILL

161 When my younger brother My husband, an exercise and his wife celebrated enthusiast who spends an their first anniversary, they hour and a half at an athletic club invited the rest of the family to My wife-to-be every morning before work, join them for dinner. The conver¬ encouraged a middle-aged and sation focused on the newlyweds and I were at the quite overweight friend to join and how they happened to meet. him for his morning sessions. The Caught up in the romance of the county clerk’s co-worker decided not to tell his story, one by one the men related wife about his new project until how we had met our wives. office for our after he had shed the pounds, and Eventually everyone had told his he faithfully began meeting my story except for my youngest marriage license. husband at 6 a.m. every day. brother. At the end of the first week, the All eyes were on him when After recording friend’s wife rolled over in bed he said, “Oh, Cindy and I met and offered this parting advice: in college. We were matched up the vital informa¬ “I don’t know where you’re going, by a computer according to dear, or what you are doing. compatibility.” tion—names, dates But just remember: You aren’t “That’s the whole story?” my used to it.”

wife asked incredulously. of birth, etc.— - DEBBIE BEAUCHAMP “Oh, no,” he replied with a grin. the clerk handed “They’ve fixed the computer Some newly married friends since then.” me our license were visiting us when the - JOHN MORRISSEY topic of children came up. The and deadpanned, bride said she wanted three chil¬ The family was viewing old dren, while the young husband slides and one flashed on the “No refunds, demurred, saying two would be screen that caught everyone’s enough for him. They discussed attention. My father, wearing his no exchanges, no this discrepancy for a few min¬ favorite golf shirt, was holding me utes until the husband thought at the tender age of three weeks. warranties.” he’d put an end to things, saying The look on his face told all. boldly, “After our second child, Ell “There’s my prize possession,” my just have a vasectomy.” father said. Albert J. Campbell Without a moment’s hesitation, Touched, I smiled at him as he the bride retorted, “Well, I hope continued, “I wonder whatever you’ll love the third one like it’s happened to that golf shirt?” your own!”

- JEANNE GRAVES - LISA MONGAN

162 Venus and Mars

While waiting for a flight, I Once my divorce was final, I -Timeless Humor from the 60’ glanced over at a nearby went to the local Department My friend’s husband is always couple. He was reading the of Motor Vehicles and asked to telling her that housekeeping United States Sailing Association’s have my maiden name reinstated would be a snap if only she book, Basic Cruising. She was read¬ on my driver’s license. “Will there would organize her time bet¬ ing Adrift: 76 Days Lost at Sea. be any change of address?” the ter. Recently he had a chance - BRUCE NEAL clerk inquired. “No,” I replied. to put his theory into practice “Oh, good,” she said, clearly while his wife was away. My husband is wonderful with delighted. “You got the house.” When I popped in one evening to see how he was our baby daughter, but often - POLLY BAUGHMAN managing, he crowed, “i made turns to me for advice. Recently I a cake, frosted it, washed the was in the shower when he poked o our shock and horror, my T kitchen windows, cleaned all his head in to ask, “What should I sister-in-law and I realized the cupboards, scrubbed the feed Lily for lunch?” we had each been married nearly kitchen floor, walls and ceiling “That’s up to you,” I replied. 50 years. “That’s a long time,” I and even had a bath.” “There’s all kinds of food. Why observed. ! was about to concede that don’t you pretend I’m not home?” “A long, long time,” she agreed. perhaps he was a better man¬ ager than his wife, when he A few minutes later, my cell Then she smiled. “Something just added sheepishly, “When I phone rang. I answered it to hear occurred to me.” was making the chocolate my husband saying, “Yeah, hi, “What’s that?” frosting, I forgot to turn off honey. Uh...what should I feed “If I had killed your brother the the mixer before taking the Lily for lunch?” first time I felt like it, I’d be out of beaters out of the bowl, so I

- JULIE BALL jail by now.” had to do all the rest."

- BARBARA MASON - MARY L. COSTAIN Rushing to a bridge tourna¬ ment, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35 m.p.h. zone. “What’ll I tell my husband?” I worried, explaining to the police officer that he was a self- described “perfect” driver. The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license. “Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?” he asked. Baffled, I answered, “Yes.” “I stopped him for going 47.”

- ANN ALENE DUNN

163 The other day my son and Gift 1: A state-of-the-art gaso¬ nicely wrapped and accompanied I were talking about line-powered lantern, with by a thoughtful card. And when women and I realized electronic ignition and dual man¬ she gives you this gift, you have to that it was time he and I tles, capable of generating 1,200 give her one back. You can’t just had a Serious Talk, the kind every lumens of light for ten hours on a open your wallet and say, “Here’s, father should have with his son yet single tank of fuel. let’s see...$17!” avoids because it’s so awkward. Gift 2: A scented beeswax can¬ And, as I told my son, it only gets The subject? Buying gifts for dle containing visible particles of worse. Looming ahead are bridal women. bee poop and providing roughly showers, weddings, baby showers, This is an area where many the same illumination as a luke¬ Mother’s Day and other Mandatory men do not have a clue. Exhibit A: warm corn dog. Gift Occasions that would not even my father, a thoughtful man who To a guy, Gift 1 is clearly superi¬ exist if men—as is alleged—really once gave my mother—on their or because you could use it to see ran the world. Women observe all anniversary—an electric blanket. in the dark. To a woman, Gift 2 is of these occasions, and more. He honestly could not under¬ much better, because women love My wife will buy gifts for no stand why, when she opened the to sit around in the gloom with reason. She’ll go into one of those box, she gave him That Look. reeking, sputtering candles. Don’t gift stores at the mall that men (You veteran men know the one I ask me why. never enter, she’ll find some¬ mean.) After all, this was the All I’m saying is that this is the thing—maybe a tiny cute box that deluxe model electric blanket. kind of thing a woman wants. couldn’t hold anything larger than With automatic thermostat! What That’s why the ultimate gift is a molecule and is therefore use¬ more could any woman want? jewelry: It’s totally useless. less—and she’ll buy it, plus a The mistake that my dad made, The second rule of buying thoughtful card. and that many guys make, was in gifts for women is: You are never And she doesn’t even know who thinking that when you choose a finished. the recipient is yet! gift for a woman, it should do This is the scary part, the part Millions of other women are something useful. Wrong! The first that my son is just discovering. If out doing the same thing, getting rule of buying a gift for a woman you have a girlfriend, she will give further and further ahead, while is: The gift should not do anything, you, at minimum, a birthday gift, we guys are home watching or if it does, it should do it badly. an anniversary gift, a Ghristmas instant replays. We have no Let’s consider two possible Hanukkah Kwanzaa gift and a chance of winning this war. gifts, both of which, theoretically, Valentine’s Day gift. That’s what I told my son. It perform the same function: Every one of these gifts will be was time he knew the truth. ▲

164

had taken a rare day My boyfriend and I were tak¬ off from work and, ing his 19-year-old niece to a having shed the corpo¬ weekend festival. When we rate uniform, was arrived at her house to pick her dressed scruffily, with up, she appeared in tasteful but my hair in rollers. very short shorts, and a tank top Glancing out my with spaghetti straps. A debate window, I saw a began immediately about appro¬ van blocking my priate dress. I took the girl’s side, driveway. recalling that when we began dat¬ Incensed, I flew to ing, I dressed the same way. the door and told “Yes,” said my boyfriend sternly, the driver to move “and I said something about it, it immediately. didn’t I?” About an hour Everyone looked at me. “Yeah,” later, all dressed up I replied. “You said, ‘What’s your to go shopping, I was phone number?’ ” backing my car out of the drive¬ - CHARNELL WALLS WATSON One night my friend John and I way and noticed the driver were sitting at a bar where he standing on the sidewalk. A little For our 20th anniversary my used to work, when an attractive embarrassed, I smiled and nodded husband and I vacationed in woman, a former co-worker, came hello. Elawaii, where we went snorkel- in and sat next to him. She told “Ma’am,” he said to me, “I hope ing. After an hour in the water him she had just had a fight with your grandmother is only visiting. everyone got back on the boat, her husband, a police officer, and She is one tough old cookie.” except for me and one handsome needed to get out of the house for - JEAN HENRY young man. As I continued my a while. underwater exploring, I noticed They had been talking for a few Driving my friend Steve and that everywhere I swam, he swam. minutes when, as a joke, I leaned his girlfriend to the airport, I snorkeled for another 40 min¬ over to John. “Don’t look now,” I we passed a billboard showing a utes. So did he. I climbed back in whispered, “but a guy about six- bikini-clad beauty holding a can the boat; so did he. five just walked in. And he’s got a of beer. Steve’s girlfriend glanced I felt very flattered and, as I gun.” up at it and announced, “I sup¬ took off my fins, asked him coyly Without hesitating, John turned pose if I drank a six-pack of that why he had stayed in the water to me. “Quick, Ed,” he said, “kiss brand, I’d look like her.” for so long. “I’m the lifeguard,” me on the lips.” “No,” Steve corrected. “If I he replied matter-of-factly. “I

- E. J. KRAMER drank a six-pack, you’d look like couldn’t get out until you did.”

her.” - SHARON FORGUE

- JOHN D. BOYD

166 Venus and Mars

One morning I found a beauti¬ My husband knows the pitfalls For years my sister’s husband ful long-stemmed rose lying of trying to communicate tried unsuccessfully to per¬ by the kitchen sink. Even though with the opposite sex—especially suade her to get a hearing aid. the flower was plastic, I was me. For instance, I recently tried “How much do they cost?” she thinking how, after all the years on a pair of pants and needed a asked one day after he had we had been married, my husband second opinion about how they pitched the idea to her again. could still make such a wonderful looked. “Do I look too fat in these “They’re usually about $3,000,” romantic gesture. Then I noticed pants?” I asked. he said. a love note lying next to it. “Dear “No,” he said, pausing, obvious¬ “Okay, well, if you say some¬ Sue,” it read. “Don’t touch the ly worried about his response. thing worth $3,000,” she replied, rose. I’m using the stem to unclog “You look...just fat enough.” “I’ll get one.” the drain.” - KATHY SEUFERT - EDWIN A. REINAGEL

- SUZAN L. WIENER —Timeless Humor from the 50’ A woman friend looked at my chest and said, “Of course.” A Connecticut chap, an incorrigi¬ Frantic, he rushed to the eleva¬ That’s when I realized I was ble practical joker, often makes tor bank, pressed the button and wearing a T-shirt I had picked up his long-suffering wife the butt of hid around the corner. When the elevator arrived, he thrust out his at the annual biker rally in his painful pranks. But last fall she finally got her chance to even arm and beckoned wildly. The Sturgis, S.D. It read “If a man says the score. The couple were spend¬ operator took one look, slammed something in the woods where no ing the weekend in a New York the elevator door and went for the woman can hear, is he still hotel. It was a hot night, and house detective. wrong?” when they got back to their room When the detective arrived, he - RUSS HARGREAVES after the theater, the husband found the unfortunate guest cow¬ peeled off his clothes and stretched ering in a corner. He gave him a My wife and her friend Karen out on the bed to cool off. By the sheet from the linen closet, called time his wife was ready for bed, the desk to check his assertion were talking about their he was fast asleep and she decid¬ that he was registered at the hotel labor-saving devices as they ed not to disturb him. with his wife and escorted him to pulled into our driveway. Karen Some hours later, he woke up his room. said, “I love my new garage-door and groped his way in the dark Pounding on the door until the opener.” toward the bathroom. By mistake wife opened it, the detective said, “I love mine too,” my wife he opened the outside door and, “This man claims to be your hus¬ replied, and honked the horn still groggy, was halfway down the band. Is he?” hall before he became aware of For a moment she stared at the three times. That was the signal his predicament. He turned back sheet-draped figure; then she said for me to come out and open the hastily. Then, to his horror, he icily, “I’ve never seen him before garage. realized that he was not only in my life.” - GENE WARD locked out but had forgotten his - A. E. TATHAM room number.

167 One evening my husband’s After I had taken on a few too golfing buddy drove his sec¬ Soon after we were many projects, my responsi¬ retary home after she had imbibed married, my husband, bilities began piling up on me. To a little too much at an office keep my forgetfulness to a mini¬ reception. Although this was an Paul, stopped wearing mum, I started a daily reminder innocent gesture, he decided not his wedding band. list, scratching off items as I com¬ to mention it to his wife, who pleted them. Some two weeks tended to get jealous easily. later I bragged to my husband, Later that night my husband’s "Why don't you Clarence, “Thanks to that list I friend and his wife were driving ever wear have never once overlooked a sin¬ to a restaurant. Suddenly he gle important detail.” looked down and spotted a high- your ring?" Not long afterward I returned heel shoe half hidden under the home from a late-night meeting passenger seat. Not wanting to be I asked. and picked up my list to check conspicuous, he waited until his on the next day’s activities. There, wife was looking out her window in my husband’s handwriting, before he scooped up the shoe "It cuts off my wedged between “1:30 hair and tossed it out of the car. With a circulation," appointment” and “Clean the sigh of relief, he pulled into the linen closet,” was the notation: restaurant parking lot. That’s Paul replied. “Seduce Clarence.” when he noticed his wife squirm¬ - MARY E. HOWELL ing around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you ”1 know," For a while my husband and I seen my other shoe?” I said. had opposite schedules. He - JOAN FELDMAN worked during the day and I "It's supposed worked at night. One morning I spent an afternoon helping my noticed he left a note to himself boyfriend move into a new to." on the kitchen counter that said home. In one carton I found a “STAMPS” in large letters. As a crockpot, with an odd-looking MARILYN WARE helpful surprise, I bought him and very dirty metal lid. Later I some at the post office and put ushered my boyfriend into the them on the counter before going kitchen and asked why he hadn’t to work. mentioned this perfectly good pot. The next morning I found He stared at it, then replied, the same note. “STAMPS” was “Well, after I broke the lid I never crossed out. Underneath he thought of replacing it with a had written, “ONE MILLION hubcap.” DOLLARS.”

- CAROLINE C. JONES - STEPHANIE SHELLEY

168 I guess I thought if we came to France, you wouldn’t still be you know, you! ^ by MARY ROACH

If my husband, Ed, had his dashing,” I said of the mask. page, enabling one to read “in the way, you could pop by our “You look like Antonio Banderas dark without keeping his or her place any given night and in Zorro.” This was a lie. He partner awake with an irksome see me sitting in bed, strug¬ looked like Arlene Francis in reflection.” gling to hold my head up under “What’s My Line?” I settled in with my Light the weight of a night-vision “Zorro didn’t wear a sleep Wedge and a bowl of chips. headset. Ed is an early-to-sleep mask,” countered Ed. “His had “Happy now?” sort of chap, who’ll announce eyeholes cut out.” “No,” said Ed. “You get crumbs around 8 p.m., “Just going to “It was a special fencer’s sleep in the bed and steal the blankets. change into my pj’s and read mask. Come on,” I said. “That I’m still going to want that for a while.” Once he becomes movie is all about sleep. Why divorce.” horizontal, however, it’s pretty do you think he writes Z’s A married couple can best be much over. everywhere?” defined as a unit of people whose This makes it difficult for Ed’s argument was that as sleep habits are carefully engi¬ yours truly, for I really do read the awake person, I should have neered to keep each other awake. in bed, including the part where to wear the uncomfortable I offered to stop eating in bed you turn the page and read a head wear. if Ed would agree to wean him¬ second one and then a third one. We were inching toward the self from his need for multiple Ed would like for me to do this marriage counselor’s couch when pillows. I roll over in the middle in a quiet, motionless, pitch-dark in the nick of time, I found a of the night and find myself suf¬ manner. Instead, I do it in a chip¬ product called Light Wedge: focating against a towering crunching, light-on, getting-in- “The only personal reading light mound of goose down. and-out-of-bed-for-more-chips that has the ability to save the We call it Pillow Mountain. manner. In the spirit of compro¬ 50 percent of marriages that end Ed has fallen for the great mise, I bought Ed earplugs and in divorce.” It’s a thin, glowing marketing ploy of the decade: a black satin sleep mask. “It’s slice of acrylic that lies on the the decorative pillow ploy. It is A married couple can best be defined as a unit of people whose sleep habits are carefully engineered to keep each other awake. no longer enough to buy one Leno. “That’s okay,” I tell them, wise it gets so stuffy he can’t pillow per head. There must be backing out of the room. “I’ll go sleep. I can’t tell him to open a a decorative pillow behind one’s sleep on the couch.” window, because then it’ll be too normal head-resting variety, and As we were arguing over the cold. There’ll be an all-night a spray of bolsters and scatter pillow issue, Ed got out of bed to struggle for blanket superiority, pillows in front. Each of these open the bedroom door, which and no one, to quote Zorro, will must be of a unique size and I’d closed so as not to hear the catch any Z’s. We’ll end up out in shape, so as to require the pur¬ odd poppings and clickings of the kitchen at 4:30, playing cards chase of a specially fitted our refrigerator. Our refrigerator with the refrigerator. pillowcase. is unique among large appli¬ I know a lot of other couples Ed corrected me. “It’s called ances, in that it appears to suffer have similar bedtime issues, and a sham.” from insomnia. Every night I hope this column has been No argument here. It’s a total around 4 a.m., it begins shifting, helpful. I hope this column has sham. To outfit the modern bed fidgeting and cracking its joints. the ability to save the 50 percent with its indulgence of pillows No doubt it wants some warm of marriages that end in divorce. and their little pillow outfits milk, which, for a refrigerator, is Or that, at the very least, it helps costs hundreds of dollars. Beds an existential crisis of consider¬ put one of you to sleep. ▲ now contain entire pillow fami¬ able weight. lies, six or seven of them, all Ed claims not to hear these nestled together against the sounds. He says he needs to have headboard, as though watching the bedroom door open; other¬

171 was examining can¬ y wife, a registered I taloupes at the m:nurse, once fussed grocery store and over every pain or mis¬ turned to the produce hap that came my way. clerk, who was refilling Recently, however, I the bins. “Choosing a got an indication that cantaloupe is a bit like the honeymoon is over. picking a mate for I was about to fix the marriage,” I observed attic fan, and as I lifted casually. “A person has ‘No one’s winning. It’s ballet. myself from the ladder into no idea what he’s getting the attic, I scratched my until it’s too late.” forehead on a crossbeam. He said nothing at first, but as I r Timeless Humor from the Crawling along, I picked up splin¬ walked to the next aisle, he called ters in both hands, and I cut one after me, “I know. I’ve had three Neighbors of ours had a ter¬ hand replacing the fan belt. On cantaloupes.” rible disagreement over a the way down the ladder, I missed patio they wanted for their - GLORIA WEGENER the last two rungs and turned my backyard. The wife had ankle. rather grand ideas, while the As a single, never-married husband wanted costs kept When I limped into the kitchen, woman in my 40s, I have to a minimum. The wife won my wife took one look and said, been questioned endlessly about out, and the construction bill “Are those your good pants?” my status by friends, relatives and climbed higher and higher. - RICHARD J. SCHWIETERMAN co-workers. Over the years I’ve I dropped by one day, when the patio was near noticed a subtle change in the i ird-watching is a passion of completion, and was sur¬ nature of their inquiries. b:I mine, and my wife has always prised to find the husband In my teens, friends would ask, smiling from ear to ear as been impressed by my ability to “Who are you going out with this the workmen smoothed over identify each species solely by its weekend?” the surface. I remarked how song. To help her learn a little bit In my 20s, relatives would say, nice it was to see a grin about birds, I bought a novelty “Who are you dating?” replace the frown he had kitchen clock that sounds a differ¬ been wearing lately. In my 30s, co-workers might ent bird call for each hour. We “You see where they’re inquire, “So, are you dating were relaxing in our yard when a smoothing that cement?” he anyone?” cardinal started singing. “What’s replied. “I just threw my Now people ask, “Where did wife’s credit cards in there.” that?” I challenged. you get that adorable purse?” She listened closely. “It’s three - MARY A. ELDER o’clock.”

- RICH L. PERSHEY

172 Venus and Mars

A woman in my office, Recently engaged, my brother- On my way home from a long in-law Jeff brought his fiancee and stressful day at the recently divorced after home to meet the family. When office, the phone rang. It was my years of marriage, had asked if she was enjoying herself, husband. “Will you be joining me signed up for a refresher she politely replied yes. “She in the whirlpool bath tonight?” he would say that,” Jeff interjected. asked. CPR course. "Is it hard “She’s not the type to say no.” What a lovely way to spend an to learn?" someone “I see,” my husband said after a evening, I thought. I was about to asked. brief silence. “And that explains tell him how considerate he was the engagement.” when he continued, “Because if "Not at all," she replied. - ALLISON BEVANS you’re not, I need to start adding "Basically you're asked more water to the tub.” When my wife had to rush to - SUSAN NELSON to breathe life into a the hospital unexpectedly, dummy. I don't expect she asked me to bring her a few to have any problem. items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” I did that for 32 years." Worried I’d make the wrong - PAULETTE BROOKS choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?” After ten years of widowhood, “Hold them up and I remarried. Leaving work imagine them on me,” one wintry evening, I told a col¬ she said. “If you league that it was very gratifying smile, put them to once again have someone back.” worry about me if the roads were - ROBERT KERCHER icy. My new husband would be awaiting my arrival, I said, and would hurry out to meet me at the car. I couldn’t have been more right. As I pulled into the driveway, my husband burst out the door and came up to me. Rubbing our new car, he anxiously queried, “Did you get salt on it?” - L. CATHERINE FERGUSON “Don’t ask questions, Ralph. Just tell me who you’d rather look like—Sean Connery or Robert Redford.”

173 QUOTABLE QUOTES

No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, “Hey, man, women are crazy,” you’ve got a friend. Why leave - CHRIS ROCK in Us Weekly the nut you My husband is so confident that when he watch¬ got for one es sports on television, he thinks that if he you don't concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living know? room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to - LORETTA LYNN in Esquire get off the phone in case they call him.

- RITA RUDNER

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises Three words some pretty good questions. strike fear into - WOODY ALLEN the hearts of men: Pop the Instead of getting married again, question.

I’m going to find a woman I don’t ROXANNE HAWN like and just give her a house. in The Denver Post

- ROD STEWART

According to Modern Bride magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, “Yeah, sounds good.” - JAY LENO

v Venus and Mars

My wife and I were comparing While at a marine-supply r Timeless Humor from the notes the other day. “I have store stocking up on equip¬ a higher IQ_, did better on my ment for my boat, I also In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a SATs and make more money than purchased an inflatable life pre¬ man and woman of different you,” she pointed out. server. “It was my wife’s idea,” faiths. A Protestant minister “Yeah, but when you step back I explained to the grizzled sales¬ and a Catholic priest per¬ and look at the big picture, I’m man at the counter. “She’s buying formed an ecumenical still ahead,” I said. it for me as a gift.” marriage ceremony. In unison She looked mystified. “How do “Lucky you,” he said as he start¬ they proclaimed the couple you figure?” ed to write up the order. “My wife husband and wife. Afterward, a man was over¬ “I married better,” I replied. got me a length of chain and a heard congratulating the - LOUIS RODQUCO cement block.” father of the bride. “Fifty - THOMAS FRONCEK years ago this could not have A friend and her husband were happened.” participating in a blood My friend’s mother is a proper “No,” replied the father. drive, and as part of the pre¬ Southern lady and a pas¬ “Religion has come a long screening process, an elderly sionate gardener who spends way.” “Religion! Who's talking volunteer was asking some ques¬ hours outside with her plants. In about religion? I mean a cat¬ tions. “Have you ever paid for her neighborhood, where she has tleman’s daughter marrying a sex?” the woman asked my lived most of her life, no one has sheepman’s son.” friend’s husband sweetly. fences and every yard is open to - MRS. RICHMOND PARKER Glancing wearily over at his the next. Recently one of her wife, trying to calm a new baby longtime neighbors, an elderly and tend to several other children man, moved away. “Are you going milling around her, he sighed, to miss him?” my friend “Every time.” asked.

- WEN DI WOOLF “Actually I’m relieved,” her mother While in the men’s room at a replied. “Now I can beach park in Florida, I bend over.” noticed they had a plastic baby¬ - RENEE WALKER PRITZKER changing table installed on the wall. Apparently, some sportsmen had co-opted this politically cor¬ rect amenity for their own use. Above the table was a sign saying: “It is unlawful to clean fish on this table.”

- CLIFF REVELL “There! Now we're getting somewhere.”

175 1 You’re on a tight deadline for Times about the way animals, aware for some time that males developing a big sales pro¬ including humans, respond to and females respond differently to posal, but you’ve hit a snag. stress. According to the article, a stress. We know that if two males You want to go one way; a co¬ group of psychology researchers bump into each other, they’ll worker named Bob strongly have made the breakthrough respond like this: disagrees. discovery that—prepare to be First Male: Hey, watch it! To break the deadlock, you: astounded—males and females Second Male: No, YOU watch it! (a) Present your position, listen are different. First Male: Oh, yeah? to the other side, then fashion a The researchers discovered (They deliberately bump into compromise. this by studying both humans each other again.) (b) Punch Bob. and rats, which are very similar Two females in an identical to humans except that they are situation will respond like this: 2Your favorite team is about not stupid enough to purchase First Female: I’m sorry! to win the championship, but lottery tickets. The studies show Second Female: No, it’s my fault! at the last second the victory that when males are under stress, First Female: Say, those are is stolen away by a terrible refer¬ they respond by either fighting cute shoes! ee’s call. You: or running away—the so-called (They go shopping.) (a) Remind yourself that it’s “fight or flight” syndrome. If the psychology community just a game, that there are far Females respond by nurturing needs further proof of the differ¬ more important things in life. others and making friends—the ence between the sexes, I invite it (b) Punch Bob. so-called “tend and befriend” to attend the party held in my syndrome. neighborhood each Halloween. How to Score: If you answered This finding is big news in the This party is attended by sever¬ “b” to both questions, then you psychology community, which is al hundred small children who are are a male. I base this statement apparently located on a distant experiencing stress because their on an article in The New York planet. Here on Earth, we’ve been bloodstreams—as a result of the

176 When men go ape, women go shopping. And that's all you need to know about gender.

so-called “trick or treat” syn¬ noted by both me and my who have been helping out drome—contain roughly the same friend Jeff. The male will by whining impatiently, leap sugar content as Cuba. Here’s attempt to fold a piece of joyfully onto the toy, punc¬ how the sexes respond: laundry. When he is done, the turing it immediately. female, with a look of disap¬ • The females, 97 percent of proval, will immediately pick I think psychology researchers whom are dressed as either a it up and refold it so that it is should find out if these syn¬ ballerina or a princess, sit in much neater and smaller. dromes exist in other species. little social groups and “My wife can make an entire They could put some rats into a exchange candy. bedsheet virtually disappear,” cage with tiny pool toys and Jeff reports. miniature pieces of laundry, then • The males, 97 percent of watch to see what happens. My whom are dressed as either • The “inflatable pool toy” syn¬ guess is that there would be fight¬ Batman or a Power Ranger, drome: From the dawn of ing. Among the male researchers, run around making martial- civilization, the task of inflat¬ I mean. It’s a shame, this male arts noises and bouncing ing inflatable pool toys has tendency toward aggression, violently off one another like fallen to the male. It is often which has caused so many horri¬ crazed subatomic particles. the female who comes home ble problems such as war and with an inflatable pool toy hockey. Here are some other gender- the size of the Hindenburg, It frankly makes me ashamed of based syndromes that the causing the youngsters to my gender. psychology community might become very excited. But it is I’m going to punch Bob. ▲ want to look into: inevitably the male who spends two hours blowing • The “laundry refolding” syn¬ the toy up, after which he drome: This has been widely keels over, while the kids,

177 I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively. "Yeah," she said. "You doing housework." - MICHAEL SHOCKLEY

One day my housework-chal¬ he birth of our second child, a After four years of separation, lenged husband decided to daughter, came after a long my wife and I finally divorced wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after and difficult labor. But it was defi¬ amicably. I wanted to date again, he stepped into the laundry room, nitely worth it when our beautiful but had no idea of how to start, so he shouted to me, “What setting little girl emerged, perfect in I decided to look in the personals do I use on the washing every way. Later, in my room, my column of the local newspaper. machine?” husband looked at her tenderly, After reading through all the list¬ “It depends,” I replied. “What with tears in his eyes. ings, I circled three that seemed does it say on your shirt?” Then as he glanced up at me, I possible in terms of age and inter¬ “University of Oklahoma,” he expected him to utter something ests, but I put off calling them. yelled back. truly poetic. Instead he asked, Two days later, there was a mes¬ - JERRI BOYER “What’s her name again?” sage on my answering machine

- CHRISTINA L. MILLER from my ex-wife: “I came over to your house to borrow some tools As I was stepping today and saw the ads you circled into the shower in the paper. Don’t call the one in after an afternoon of the second column. It’s me.”

yard work, my wife - NELSON WORKMAN walked into the bath¬ room. “What do you I accompanied my husband think the neighbors when he went to get a haircut. would say if I cut the Reading a magazine, I found a grass dressed like this?” hairstyle I liked for myself, so I I asked. asked the receptionist if I could Giving me a casual take the magazine next door to glance, she replied, make a copy of the photo. “They’d say I married “Leave some ID—a driver’s you for your money.” license or credit card,” she said. - JOHN R. BUCO “But my husband is here getting a haircut,” I explained. “Yes,” she replied. “But I need

“How do you know when you’re in love? something you’ll come back for.” I don’t know. Go ask your mother.” - MELISSA ANDERSON

178 Venus and Mars

My wife and I were at my high she asked. “Willencot school reunion. As I looked dead.” around, I noticed the other men in “No, five words is the their expensive suits and bulging minimum.” stomachs. Proud of the fact that I Mrs. Willencot weighed just five pounds more thought a moment. than I did when I was in high “Willencot dead. school—the result of trying to beat Cadillac for sale.” a living out of a rocky hillside farm—I said to my wife, “I’m the For my fourth only guy here who can wear the Caesarian section I suit he graduated in.” opted for a bikini inci¬ She glanced at the prosperous sion, which, along with crowd, then back at me. “You’re the previous scars, would the only one who has to.” form an arrow on my

- GEORGE CRENSHAW tummy. “Honey,” my hus¬ band joked when I told At my granddaughter’s wed¬ him, “after 13 years and 4 ding, the DJ polled the guests kids, I hardly need directions.” to see who had been married the - PATTI CECIL longest. Since it turned out to be —Timeless Humor from the gmm < my husband and me, the DJ asked us, “What advice would you give About two o’clock one summer he expected. Before he could to the newly married couple?” morning, my friend and her hus¬ close the umbrella, the wind lifted I said, “The three most impor¬ band, who likes to sleep in his the shaft from the table and tant words in a marriage are, birthday suit, were awakened by a pulled it and him out into the thunderstorm. They both dashed yard. As he grappled with the ‘You’re probably right.’ ” from the bed and began shutting umbrella, several flashes of light¬ Everyone then looked expec¬ windows. When her husband got ning lit up the yard like a tantly at my husband. “She’s downstairs, he realized the Broadway stage. Finally, he probably right,” he said. umbrella on the patio table had accomplished his mission and - BARBARA HANCOCK been left open and gusts of wind went back into the house, much were causing the table to teeter to the relief of his wife, who had Mrs. Willencot was very fru¬ precariously near the glass doors. witnessed the entire episode. He figured it would take only a They had no sooner settled in gal. When her husband died, moment to run out and take the bed than the phone rang. It was she asked the newspaper how umbrella down, so he did not their neighbor, who said, “We just much it would cost for a death waste time fetching a robe. wanted to let Mary Poppins know notice. “Two dollars for five Once on the patio, however, he how much we enjoyed the show.”

words.” found the wind was stronger than - DOROTHY BRUNI “Can I pay for just two words?”

179 At the airport check-in counter, trade places,” I said, knowing -Timeless Humor from the ^^J|/ < I overheard a woman ask for how much he dreaded the coming My mother and I were having window seats for her and her hus¬ ordeal. a mother-daughter talk about band. The clerk pointed out that He watched as I gathered our the qualities to look for in a this would prevent them from sit¬ newborn onto my left arm and husband. She stressed that ting together. picked up a package with that husband and wife should be “Sweetie,” the woman replied. “I hand. I flung a diaper bag and my as much alike as possible in just spent ten days of quality time purse over my right shoulder, interests and backgrounds. in a compact rental car with this grabbed our two-year-old with I brought up the point that man. I know what I’m requesting.” my free hand and wrestled the car opposites often attract. “Diane,” she said emphati¬ - CAROL GORES keys from him. cally, “just being man and My husband shook his head. woman is opposite enough.” was about to leave the house “No, thanks,” he said. “At least I - DIANE RENZI on an errand, and my husband where I’m going they give you was getting ready for a dental anesthesia.” appointment. “I wish we could - LINDA CHIARA

“We’re still at that stage where she loves me more than I annoy her.”

“Remember, men, our motto is

before you look Humor in Uniform

Reservists like myself always The colonel looked him in the -Timeless Humor from the 50’ had a hard time parking on eye and said, “Well?” base, as most spaces were set At that, the airman nervously In a lecture to a group of Korean officers, Lieut. Gen. aside for the brass. My wife never reached over and buttoned the Bruce C. Clarke, at that time had this problem. I finally found colonel’s shirt pocket. deputy commander of the out why after she drove me to the - G. DEARING, JR. Eighth Army in Korea, took PX and parked in a space marked two or three minutes to tell “Reserved.” When my husband visited our his favorite joke. His inter¬ “See?” she said. “Just look at all son, Michael, at boot camp, preter then quickly translated the spaces they’ve set aside for he found him marching smartly the joke, using only seven or you Reserves.” with his unit. Michael’s father eight words. Everyone imme¬ diately burst into hearty - JAMES KLEEMAN proudly approached the soldiers laughter. After the lecture and began to snap photo after General Clarke asked the Going over our weekly training photo. Embarrassed and worried interpreter how he had been schedule one morning at our about getting into trouble, Michael able to retell such a relatively small Army garrison, we noticed looked straight ahead and didn’t long joke so quickly. that our annual trip to the rifle change his expression. “Well, sir,” the Korean inter¬ range had been canceled for the Suddenly his drill sergeant preter replied, “I didn't think everyone would get the point, second time, but that our semi¬ barked, “Comito, give me 25 push¬ so I said, ‘The general has just annual physical-fitness test was ups. And the next time your daddy told a joke. Everyone will still on as planned. “Does it both¬ wants your picture, you smile!” please laugh.’ ” - EDYTHECOMITO er anyone else,” one soldier asked, - ROBERT H. SELLECK “that the Army doesn’t seem con¬ cerned with how well we can During basic training, our drill shoot, yet is extremely interested sergeant asked for a show of My daughter, Emily, told a in how fast we can run?” hands of all Jewish personnel. Six friend that her brother,

- THOMAS L. HAMMOND of us tentatively raised our hands. Chris, was training to become a Much to our relief, we were given Navy submariner. The friend, The colonel who served as the day off for Rosh Hashanah. who’d just been assigned to a inspector general in our com¬ A few days later in anticipation Navy destroyer, good-naturedly mand paid particular attention to of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant called Chris a Bubblehead. how personnel wore their uni¬ again asked for all Jewish person¬ Later I related the story to forms. On one occasion he nel to ID themselves. This time, Chris and asked if he’d heard the spotted a junior airman with a every soldier raised his hand. term. He said he had, and added, violation. “Airman,” he bellowed, “Only the personnel who were “We also have a name for people “what do you do when a shirt Jewish last week can be Jewish who work on destroyers.” pocket is unbuttoned?” this week,” declared the sergeant. “What is it?” I asked. The startled airman replied, - ALLEN ISRAEL “Targets.” “Button it, sir!” - JO BARKER

183 Spotted on T-shirts for sale in the Ponce de Leon Coast Guard Exchange: "Support Your Local Coast Guard... Get Lost." - GRAYCE BARCK

Two days before officer-train¬ After joining the Navy, my hus¬ One of my jobs in the Army is ing graduation, I bragged that band underwent a physical. to give service members and my single demerit was the lowest During the exam, it was discovered their families tours of the demili¬ in the company. The next day I that, due to an abnormality, he tarized zone in South Korea. saw with chagrin a slip on my couldn’t fully extend his arms Before taking people to a lookout bunk, and was thoroughly hum¬ above his head. Perplexed, the doc¬ point to view North Korea, we bled when I read the list: tor conferred with another doctor. warn visitors to watch their heads 1 Demerit: Littering. Penny “Let him pass,” suggested the sec¬ climbing the stairs, as there is a under bed. ond doctor. “I don’t see any prob¬ low overhang. The tour guide, 1 Demerit: Lincoln needs a lems unless he has to surrender.” first to the top, gets to see how shave and a haircut. - BETTY LEE many people have not heeded his 1 Demerit: Trying to bribe an advice. officer. Safety is job one in the Air On one tour I watched almost 1 Demerit: Bribe not enough. Force. Overstating the obvious an entire unit hit their heads one FREDERIC P. SEITZ is job two, as I discovered after another as they came up the when crawling into stairs. Curious, I asked their com¬ my military-issue mander what unit they were from. sleeping bag. “Military intelligence,” he The label read: replied.

“In case of an - EDWARD RAMIREZ emergency, unzip and exit While standing watch in the through the Coast Guard station in top.” Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from - KEITH J. the Navy in the nearby city of WALTERS Adak. They had lost contact with one of their planes, and they needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to go find it. I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search. “I can’t tell you,” the Navy man said. “That’s classified.”

- ALFRED MILES

Don’t mind me. It’s just the absolute power talking. Humor in Uniform

Serving as a Marine recruiter in past three months all western North Carolina, I Fve seen is water.” found a young man who met all “Lieutenant,” he the requirements and was ready replied, “three- to enlist. I explained the impor¬ quarters of the earth tance of being truthful on the is covered with application, and he began filling water, and the Navy out his paperwork. But when he has been showing got to the question “Do you own you that. If you any foreign property or have any wanted to see the foreign financial interests?” he other quarter, you looked up at me with a worried should have joined expression. “Well,” he confessed, the Army.”

“I do own a Toyota.” We enlisted - PAUL NEWMAN him the next day. - PATRICK L. JACKS Our division had to repaint our “That’s Admiral Blackly, To mail a big package of cook¬ Humvees to a sand color He drowned in a sea of red tape.” ies to my two Air Force sons, for Desert Storm. The both of whom were serving in result was a pinkish hue, and the Saudi Arabia, I was required to jokes began. One wag renamed us “You have to sign it, sir.” attach a label describing the con¬ the Pink Panzer Division. But the “Thank goodness,” he said, tents. I carefully marked the box best was the Humvee bumper sighing with relief. “I thought I “Cookies” and sent it off, but after sticker “Ask me about Mary Kay.” had to read it.” a month my sons said they had - DAVID K. DRURY - TIMOTHY QUINN yet to receive my package. Suspicious, I baked another Having helped prepare the -Timeless Humor from the m batch, only this time I labeled the annual budget for my unit of contents “Health Food.” Within a the Seventh Army Special Troops During my Air Force basic week my sons reported they had in Heidelberg, Germany, I took training, I cracked the frames received the goodies. the report to the office of the of my eyeglasses. After taping

- WANDA HAMEISTER adjutant, who signs all official them, I applied for new papers. The adjutant was not in, frames. I didn't get them, so I applied again at each base to fter being at sea in the but his assistant, a young lieu¬ A which I was sent. After four Persian Gulf for 90 straight tenant, was. years, and just before my dis¬ days, I went to the squadron com¬ He gasped as I handed him the charge, I received nine sets of mand master chief to complain. huge sheaf of charts, figures and frames—all marked “Rush.”

“Chief, I joined the Navy to see explanations. “What am I sup¬ - JOHN C. SOCHER the world,” I said, “but for the posed to do with this?” he asked.

185

Humor in Uniform

The lieutenant wanted to use a My brother and I arrived at pay phone but didn’t have boot camp together. On the change for a dollar. He saw a pri¬ Notice seen on first morning, our unit was vate mopping the floors and asked dragged out of bed by our drill him, “Soldier, do you have change the bulletin sergeant and made to assemble for a dollar?” outside. “My name’s Sergeant “I sure have, buddy,” the private board of a Jackson,” he snarled. “Is there answered. anyone here who thinks he can Giving him a mean stare, the Florida air base: whip me?” lieutenant said, “That’s no way to My six-foot-three, 280-pound address an officer. Let’s try it brother raised his hand and said, again. Private, do you have change “The following “Yes, sir, I do.” for a dollar?” Our sergeant grabbed him by “No, sir,” the private replied. enlisted men the arm and led him out in front - GEORGE MELLO of the group. “Men,” he said, “this will pick up their is my new assistant. Now, is there My son, Barry, came home anyone here who thinks he can from a three-month deploy¬ Good Conduct whip both of us?” ment aboard his submarine, and - ROBERT NORRIS told us that one of the ways the medals in the sailors kept up morale was to When I was an infantry make wooden cars out of kits and supply room this platoon commander, my run derby races. “What do you do Marines trained regularly for for a ramp?”’ my husband inquired. afternoon. nighttime reconnaissance patrol. “Don’t need one,” Barry said. As we moved along, each of us “We just put the cars on the floor Failure to would whisper the name of any and then tilt the sub.” obstacle to the person behind so - MARY C. RYAN comply with this that no one would be surprised and utter a cry that would dis¬ After years of checking inven¬ order will result close our position. tories every time we moved, During one exercise, the lead I really thought I knew my way in disciplinary man in the formation occasionally around official Air Force prose. turned around and whispered to Then I went to work at a toy action.” me “Log” or “Rock,” which I counter in a PX and found that would pass along. Suddenly there good old children’s favorite, the was a crash ahead of me and, teddy bear, listed as, “Bears, fur, Myra Hayes from several feet down, I heard a Edward.” single whispered word—“Hole.”

- ALISON KERR - MIKE ROBBINS

187 On the day the United his crooked grin, bouncing on They were simple, silly gags, States entered World the balls of his feet on a stage but a thousand men ground down War II, Bob Hope was in front of a thousand men in by the rigors and monotony of 38 years old and as big uniform—is as much a part of training-camp life are a virtually as any celebrity in America. Americana as Washington cross¬ bombproof audience. Hope His breezy, wisecracking persona ing the Delaware. cracked up the crowd, which was had proved to be a winner, first Hope’s initial appearance even more appreciative of singer in vaudeville, then radio and, before a military audience was in Frances Langford, a pretty girl- beginning in the late 1930s, May 1941, seven months before next-door type, who to those men motion pictures. He was married Pearl Harbor. A producer of his must have seemed like a golden- and had two young children, was radio show who had a brother throated Aphrodite. Both Hope earning a half-million dollars a stationed at March Field, an Army and his sponsor, Pepsodent year (a phenomenal amount in base in nearby Riverside, Calif., toothpaste, realized they had those days) and owned a beautiful suggested that Hope perform the discovered a gold mine. For the home in the San Fernando Valley. show there. With some cajoling, next five years, with barely an He would go on to star in televi¬ Hope agreed, and for the first exception, Hope’s show originated sion, which further established time began to adapt his jokes to from a military base. him as one of the finest performers a military context. The entertainer knew how to of his time. “Well, here we are at March work an audience. He salted his But first, he took up entertain¬ Field...and I want to tell you that jokes with GI lingo, dropped in ing the troops. Had he not I’m thrilled being here... .What a officers’ names, mentioned the traveled great distances, often wonderful welcome you gave me. local watering holes. Hope had perilously close to the fighting, ...One rookie came running up always won laughs playing the to make American soldiers laugh, and said, Are you really Bob smart aleck. But the real comic it’s likely we would remember Hope?’...They grabbed his rifle payoff came when he played the him less vividly. His image—with just in time.” biggest chicken of them all. Celebrating the unforgettable funny man

“I just got a new rating from my rough knock ’em, sock ’em, push draft board—Four Z. That means ’em out the back door training, ‘Coward.’...One of the aviators and he was just this breath of here took me for a plane ride this fresh air, a reminder of the life afternoon. I wasn’t frightened, but you used to have.” at 2,000 feet, one of my goose For his later shows in Vietnam pimples bailed out. ...But all the before some 20,000 men, Hope behind me wearing goggles and fellas here have been great, except traveled with a large troupe of a scarf.” for one kid who was doing KP. entertainers and a caravan of Alaska wasn’t a fire zone, but This fella had been breaking all television technicians. it was cold and desolate, and the rules, going AWOL, running But his international World the men, Hope observed, were around with women. I said to War II trips—some of which Hope the loneliest guys in the world. him, ‘What’s the big idea, son?’ underwrote—had a strikingly “What we’re suffering most is He said, ‘Mr. Hope, did you give a impromptu quality. In 1942, after a cabin fever,” an officer told pint of blood to the Red Cross hectic year playing stateside bases Hope. “Some of these boys last year?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’ He and bond rallies (in addition to have been stuck up here for said, ‘Well, shake hands with the filming They Got Me Covered), a year with old books, old guy who got it.’ ” Hope persuaded the Army to let newspapers, old movies and “I waited in the rain for two him go to Alaska and the Aleutians. stale relationships.” hours to see his show,” says Ed Hope, Langford, second banana Hope’s company played before McMahon, of Johnny Carson’s Jerry Colonna and guitarist Tony crowds of 600 in Quonset huts “Tonight Show” fame, then a Romano piled into an Army cargo built for half that number. The Marine Corps aviation cadet in plane and flew north, popping laughter—louder, heartier, more Georgia. “In the days before he from camp to camp. appreciative than any he’d ever came, the whole camp was excit¬ “I knew it was an old plane heard—inspired Hope. One show ed. We were in the midst of this when I saw the pilot sitting may have been scheduled, but

189 ► Hope and Humor in Uniform

he’d do another for the fellows "We spelled home to those troops,” he later who’d been on duty. After the war, Mort Lachman had wrote. "When they heard us speak, they were a three-decade association with back in the living room in front of the Atwater Hope as a writer and director, but during the war was one of those Kent radio with Mom and Dad.” lonely boys in Alaska. “Bob thrived on the laughter,” he says. A crew member passed out one look at a pup tent, and it was But something more was at parachutes and life vests. panting!...But the guys out there work. The farther from the States Suddenly, the plane lurched, are really tough! They don’t both¬ the men were stationed, and the smacked by the prop wash from er manicuring....They just stick more dire the conditions, the another plane. They were lucky their hands under a rock and let more clearly Hope realized what not to have collided, and lucky in the cobras bite off the cuticle.” he represented. another way: The other plane In 11 weeks abroad, Hope put on “We spelled home to those radioed the base about the inci¬ 250 shows, some of them near the troops,” he later wrote. “When dent. The men at the airdrome front line. At Palermo, his audi¬ they heard us speak, they were immediately trained every search¬ ence brought their weapons, and back in the living room in front of light they had skyward and, with fighters patrolled above. “Among the Atwater Kent radio with Mom that guidance, Hope’s pilots were the thousands of letters Dad got and Dad.” able to land. from GIs,” remembers Linda Even a close call did nothing to Days later, after returning to Hope, “was one from a sergeant in temper Hope’s enthusiasm. The California, Hope purchased ciga¬ charge of a small detail who had Army had warned him that air rette cases for the pilots and had trekked miles and miles to see the travel in Alaska was inherently them engraved: “Thanks for the show, and got there late. They dangerous, and advised the memories. Your cargo, Bob Hope sent up a note that said, ‘Sorry we troupe’s pilot never to fly after and Frances Langford.” He then missed the show,’ and started dark. But one night, eager to get began planning his next cam¬ trekking back. The next thing back to base, Hope persuaded his paign. He decided he would they knew, here comes this jeep pilots to skip the planned layover follow the front. It was 1943, and containing Dad and Frances and and push on through. It didn’t American troops had won control Jerry, who delivered a little com¬ seem that risky a move; after all, of North Africa and begun the mand performance on the spot.” the weather was good. But things invasion of Sicily. Hope and his They made a specific point of changed once the party was air¬ gypsies went too. playing for the wounded. The borne. Sleet and hail pelted the “Hello, fellow tourists!...Well, troupe crashed into hospital plane, visibility fell to zero and I’m very happy to be here. Of wards like circus clowns, grab¬ the radio gave out. Then one of course, I’m leaving as soon as we bing the nurses and creating an the engines failed. finish....Gosh, it’s hot here. I took uproar. “They’re not interested in

190 your sympathy or how horrified ingly. “Don’t you know there’s a casualties assaulting Peleliu. you are,” Hope told Langford. war on?” he replied. “A guy could Months afterward at a hospital “You’re there to take their minds get hurt!” ward, Hope saw a man, swathed off their wounds. That’s our job.” Those close to Hope say he in bandages, who put out his hand “That’s all right, fellas, don’t get came home from the 1943 Medi¬ and said, “Pavuvu!” up. Hey, did you see the show, or terranean tour a more serious “I shook his hand and walked were you sick before?” man. “He had developed a deeper away,” Hope later wrote. “I Questions about privilege, love and respect for people,” says couldn’t handle it.” about why some stars were in his wife, Dolores. He brought back The war ended, but Hope’s uniform and others were not, countless messages from the front, dedication to American service¬ percolated during the war years, and for weeks devoted time each men and women did not. All the and Hope was conscious of his day to calling families to say he’d way from the Berlin Airlift to civilian status. “Some night,” he seen their sons. Vietnam through Desert Shield, told a columnist, “some big guy Others treated him more seri¬ Hope brought his blend of gags will stand up and yelp, ‘Why in ously as well. Time put him on and girls to troops in short supply hell aren’t you in the service?’ the cover, headlining the article of both. And that is the $64 question I “Hope for Humanity.” John The military has recognized his won’t be able to answer.” Steinbeck, writing in the New dedication, naming a plane and a They may not have enlisted, York Herald Tribune, sounded a ship after him. But perhaps the but Langford recalls the night in similar theme. “When the time for most meaningful honor accorded Africa they were strafed by fight¬ recognition of service to the Hope was the simplest. ers and ended up leaping for nation in wartime comes to be In 1997, Congress named him a their lives into a ditch full of considered, Bob Hope should be veteran. sheep droppings. And then high on the list....He has caught It’s a tribute that no other civil¬ there was the night in Palermo the soldier’s imagination. ...It ian has earned. ▲ when the Germans bombarded goes beyond how funny he can be. Bob Hope died in 2003, less than two months Hope’s hotel. ...He has become a symbol.” after his 100th birthday. “The strafing...the screeching. In 1944 Hope hit the road again, .. .We were throwing plenty of hopping across the South Pacific. stuff at the Germans as well. I “What an island! You guys joined in. I threw up my dinner. ” aren’t defending this place, are Inevitably, the day came when you? Let them take it, it’ll serve a soldier in the audience did them right!” challenge Hope. “Draft dodger!” One night Hope performed the man yelled. “Why aren’t you before 15,000 Marines on the in uniform?” island of Pavuvu. Those same Hope defended himself disarm¬ Marines went on to take terrible

191 Pointing to a pan of handcuffs and a flashlight. Still chicken wings and legs the alarm sounded when he disguised in the classic walked through. Further inspec¬ mess-hall manner, a tion revealed a Swiss army knife young airman asked inside one of his pockets. the mess sergeant, “Sorry, sir,” security said to the “What’s for chow?” soldier, “but this item is prohibit¬ “Air Force chicken,” ed.” Taking the knife away, the replied the sergeant. airport worker then handed him “You want wings or back the M-16. landing gear?” - SAMANTHA COUCHOUD

- PAUL JAGGER We had just moved to an Army My wife, Dolores, post from an Air Force base never quite got and my young son, an avid fan of the hang of the 24-hour GI Joe toys, was excited to see the military clock. One day she troops marching in cadence. An called the orderly room and asked even bigger thrill came when he “This one is for fighting off defense to speak with me. The person passed the motor pool with its spending cuts.” who answered told her to call me tanks, jeeps and trucks. at the extension in the band “Look!” he squealed with delight. Whenever I begin to feel a rehearsal hall. “He can be reached “They have the whole collection!” bit smug, I recall my first at 4700, ma’am,” the soldier advised. - JEREMY THORNTON week at naval officer candidate With a sigh of exasperation, my school in Newport, R.I. I learned wife responded, “And just what My unit at Fort Bliss in Texas quickly, I thought, and was getting time is that?” was detailed with guard

adept at giving commands like, - ERIC D. ERICKSON duty. However, since live ammu¬ “To the rear...”, “March” and nition was reserved for sensitive “Company. ..Halt.” On a business trip, my father locations, our rifles were issued There is a procedure for stack¬ approached a security check¬ with unloaded magazines. One ing rifles in which they end up point at the airport. The National day while we stood at attention looking like a small tepee. My Guard shift was rotating, and a for inspection, the officer in charge bubble of pride was burst when guard, in full uniform, was in line confronted a private and barked, I realized during a drill that I in front of him. As with every¬ “What is the maximum effective hadn’t the faintest idea what the body else, the soldier was ordered range of your M-16, soldier?” command to stack rifles should be. to go through the metal detector. The hapless private glanced With all the dignity I could Before doing so, he handed his down at his empty rifle and replied, summon, I called out, “Rifles in M-16 rifle to security personnel “As far as I can throw it, sir.”

little bunches... Put!” along with other items such as - JAN GETTING

- WILLIAM DUTSON

192 Humor in Uniform

In helicopter training at Fort “I’m not surprised,” he growled. -Timeless Humor from the ^ajl < Rucker, Ala., I heard a radio “We’re still two feet in the air.” My husband was drafted into transmission between an instruc¬ - DARWIN ADAMS the Army in 1941. After 28 tor and his student pilot. They years of service, he retired were practicing hovering, a tricky My Army troop was learning and entered a turbulent uni¬ maneuver. how to parachute from a versity to get a Ph.D. In the “See if you can keep your heli¬ plane. At 12,000 feet, our drill interval between retirement copter inside the concrete instructor shouted out instruc¬ and college, he was sorting boundary,” the instructor said. tions for surviving a jump from out the memorabilia of his Army career when he ran A few minutes later, he revised above the clouds at more than across his old draft card. his request. “Hell, Candidate,” he 200 m.p.h. A young recruit raised “Might as well go whole hog,” shouted, “just keep it in Alabama.” his hand and asked, “Once we he said. And he burned it. - ANTHONY D. LONG jump out, how much time do we - MARGARET A. GUNTHARP have to pull the cord?” Our personnel officer, annoyed The instructor looked back, smiled by the report from his secre¬ and said, “The rest of your life.” tary that troops and members - KEVIN K. HENDRICK of the staff were using the new copying machine for personal documents, posted this notice on the machine: “Troops are not to tamper with the secretary’s repro¬ duction equipment without approval of the officer in charge.”

- FLOYD G. SEAY

I was a second lieutenant in the Army, learning to fly light air¬ craft at Fort Sill, Okla. One day I made a perfectly smooth land¬ ing—at last. To my horror, when I stepped on the brakes, nothing at all happened. I shouted to my instructor. “The brakes failed!”

Bumper sticker: “To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is Marine Corps policy."

- TOM FRONCEK The crew of a fast frigate was theatrical makeup to several air¬ -Timeless Humor from the ^ ^j|/ < practicing the man overboard men to simulate different wounds. Approaching a Gl who had drill by “rescuing” a bright orange Pointing to one of the “casual¬ just arrived in South Vietnam, fluorescent dummy dubbed Oscar. ties,” I said to the group, “This I asked him how long he The captain watched as a young man has severe brain damage. expected to be here. “Well,” lieutenant nervously stopped the What would you do with him?” he replied, “the sergeant told ship, turned it and maneuvered Came this reply from the back us we’d be here for 12 months into place. Unfortunately, he ran of the class: “Make him an officer!” and two Bob Hope specials or right over Oscar. - THOMAS L. PATTERSON one Purple Heart, whichever comes first." Surveying the remains of Oscar scattered around the ship, the Newly married, I was en route - JOHN O. HOUCHENS captain told the lieutenant, “Son, to Keesler Air Force Base in do me a favor. If I ever fall over¬ Biloxi, Miss., to join my husband, board, just drop anchor and I’ll a recently commissioned second “Why?” I asked. swim to you.” lieutenant. I arrived at the gate “Well, ma’am,” he politely

- ANTHONY WATSON and was motioned in. Gripping a replied, “that plane down there map he had given me, I drove on, would like to take off.” One of my first duties as an Air looking for the Base Exchange. - DIANE SMITH Force officer was to set up a After turning onto one road, I field medical-training program at heard a siren and was startled to As a department head sta¬ our hospital. I conducted a class see two airmen in a jeep, motion¬ tioned on a Navy vessel, I in triage—sorting out battlefield ing me over. One got out and ran was concerned about one of my casualties according to the likeli¬ toward me. “Please follow us,” senior enlisted men. Fie was a hood of survival. We had applied he said. superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me. “Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid,” I told him, “just say, ‘Yes, sir.’ But in your mind, think, ‘You’re an idiot!’ Will this work for you?” Fie smiled at me and replied, “Yes, sir!”

- LEO KING

194 Great and Small r

©9 “I’d getsomuchmoredoneifonlyIcouldby on seventeenhoursofsleep.” J n All Creatures Great and Small

A man is standing on the curb, My father’s secretary was visi¬ In good weather, my friend Mark getting ready to cross the bly distraught one morning always let his yellow-naped street. As soon as he steps down when she arrived at the office and Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the onto the pavement, a car comes explained that her children’s par¬ balcony of his tenth-floor apart¬ screaming straight at him. The rot had escaped from his cage ment. One morning, Nicky flew man picks up speed, but so does and flown out an open window. away, much to Mark’s dismay. He the car. So the man turns around Of all the dangers the tame bird searched and called for the bird, and heads back, but the car would face outdoors alone, she with no luck. changes lanes and keeps coming. seemed most concerned about The next day when Mark Now the vehicle is so close and what would happen if the bird returned from work, the phone the pedestrian is so scared that he started talking. rang. “Is this Mark?” The caller freezes in the middle of the inter¬ Confused, my father asked what asked. “You’re going to think this section. The car closes in on the parrot could say. is crazy, but there’s a bird outside him—then swerves at the last “Well,” she explained, “he mostly on my balcony saying, ‘Hello, this possible moment and screeches says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ ” is Mark.’ Then it recites this to a halt. - TERRY WALKER phone number and says, ‘I can’t The driver rolls down the come to the phone right now, but window. Behind the wheel is A man walks into a pub with a if you will leave a message at the a squirrel. “See,” sneers the salamander on his shoulder tone, I will call you back.’ ” squirrel, “it’s not as easy as it and takes a seat at the bar. Nicky’s cage had been kept in looks, is it?” “Nice pet,” the bartender says. the same room as Mark’s answer¬ “What’s his name?” ing machine. One beautiful morning, my “I call him Tiny,” the man - ANNE R. NEILSON husband and I decided to go replies. for a drive in the country. “Why’s that?” Unfortunately, no matter which “Because he’s my newt.” road we took, we kept seeing dead - BARNEY WELLS possums lying on the shoulder. After several miles of this, my o husband turned to me and said, 00 TO 1 was editing classified ads for a small-town newspaper “Now I think I know the answer 3 00 when a man called to place an ad. “It should read,” he said, to the age-old question ‘Why did 3 _TO the chicken cross the road?’” ‘“Free to good home. Golden retriever. C “What is it?” I asked. 00 Will eat anything, loves children.’”

“Well,” he replied, “it was to U) - ELLEN YOUNG prove to the possums that it could be done.”

- JUANITA PAGE

197 At a workshop on dog tem¬ The dogs looked at me, glanced My neighbor’s son picked up a perament, the instructor at each other and raced to the cof¬ stray dog and named it Sam. noted that a test for a canine’s dis¬ fee table for my pizza. Some time later, I was having cof¬ position was for an owner to fall - SUSAN MOTTICE fee at their house and inquired down and act hurt. A dog with about Sam. poor temperament would try to Once while riding the bus to “Oh, the dog is fine,” my neighbor bite the person, whereas a good work, I noticed a man at a said. “She had a litter of puppies, dog would lick his owner’s face or stop enjoying a cup of coffee. and so we fixed the problem. Now show concern. As we approached the stop, he we call her Sam Spayed.” Once, while eating pizza in the finished drinking and set the cup - JUDY CHRISTENSEN living room, I decided to try out on the ground. This negligence this theory on my two dogs. I surprised me, since it seemed to A snake slithers into a stood up, clutched my heart, let be a good ceramic cup. bar and the bartender out a scream and collapsed on Days later I saw the same man says, "Sorry, buddy. the floor. again drinking his coffee at the bus stop. Once again, he placed I can't serve you." the cup on the grass before board¬ "Why not?" the snake ing. When the bus pulled away, I looked back in asks. time to see a dog "Because you can't carefully carry¬ hold your liquor." ing the cup in - LYNDELL LEATHERMAN his mouth as he headed for When my daughter and I home. caught only one perch on - VALERIE A. our fishing trip—not enough for HUEBNER even a modest lunch—we decided to feed it to her two cats. She put our catch in their dish and watched as the two pampered pets sniffed at the fish but refused to eat it. Thinking quickly, my daughter then picked up the dish, walked over to the electric can opener, ran it for a few seconds, then put the fish back down. The cats dug right in. “I wasn’t chewing it, I was editing it.” - SUSAN WARD

198 mKr

“George! NO! v“rcholesterol. 77 According to the Internet: The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Depart¬ ment of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”—until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.” My son is an avid listener to Living in a household with The bands are now marked our city’s police frequency, eight indoor cats requires buy¬ “Fish & Wildlife Service.” and he leaves the scanner on all ing large amounts of kitty litter, - CHRISTOPHER DEFFENBAUGH the time. One morning while which I usually get in 25-pound making his bed, I heard the dis¬ bags—100 pounds at a time. When a rattlesnake got loose patcher say, “Car 34, there is a When I was going to be out of in the second-floor hall of five-foot boa constrictor in a front town for a week, I decided to go the science building at my univer¬ yard. The resident wants a police¬ to the supermarket to stock up. sity, it created quite a furor. man to come and remove it.” As my husband and I both pushed Fortunately, one of the professors There was a long pause, then shopping carts, each loaded with was an expert on snakes. An agi¬ some static. Slowly, a voice said, five large bags of litter, a man tated student ran to fetch him, “We can’t get the car started.” looked at our purchases and urging him to come quickly, as a - JANET R. SMITH queried, “Bengal or Siberian?” dangerous snake was loose, ter¬

- JUDY J. HAGG rorizing everyone in the building. The professor leisurely strolled out into the hall, examined the From the Danvers, 111., Shopper: snake from head to tail, and “Ferret, likes kids, nice pet, but chewed calmly returned to his office. the guinea pig’s ear off. Also, partially “It’s not one of mine,” he said, deaf guinea pig.” and closed the door. - CARL ADKINS BILL PORTER

200 All Creatures Great and Small

A truck ran a red light, n a recent trip to the post In his younger days our golden office, I took a few minutes retriever, Catcher, often ran almost sideswiping our to read the notices posted on the away when he had the chance. car. As my husband veered public bulletin board in the lobby. His veterinarian’s office was away, he threw his arm One in particular caught my eye. about a mile down the road, and It read “Lost in post-office park¬ Catcher would usually end up across me, protecting me ing lot, small boa constrictor, there. The office staff knew him from a possible collision. family pet, will not attack. well and would call me to come I was ready to plant a Reward.” pick him up. Below the notice someone had One day I called the vet to make big kiss on my hero's written, in what appeared to be an appointment for Catcher’s cheek when he apologized. very shaky handwriting: “Please, yearly vaccine. “Will you be would you mind posting another bringing him?” asked the recep¬ In his haste, he admit¬ notice when you find your boa? tionist. “Or will he be coming on ted, he had forgotten it Thank you.” his own?” was me in the front seat - SUSAN ESBENSEN - LAURA STASZAK and not our black Labrador, Checkers.

- APRIL COLE

I worked at a boarding kennel where people leave their dogs and cats while on vacation. One morning I had taken a cat out of his cage, and after playing with him and replenishing his food and water, I put him back in. A few minutes later, I was sur¬ prised to see the feline at my feet, since the cage doors lock auto¬ matically when they’re shut. I couldn’t figure out how the cat escaped, until I bent down to pick him up and spied his nametag: “Houdini.”

- BARBARA ROHRSSEN

201 1 QUOTABLE QUOTES s 1

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. You know — ANDREW A. ROONEY, from "Not That You Asked" (Random House) why fish are so thin? I feel strongly that the visual arts are of They eat vast importance. Of course I could be prejudiced. I am a visual art.

fish. - KERMIT THE FROG

JERRY SEINFELD A racehorse Does it ever amaze and delight you that of ah the places in the world—cold grassy nests is an animal under hedgerows, warm patches of sun on a that can carpet—the cat chooses to sit on your lap? take several NEVADA BARR, Seeking Enlightenment (Putnam) thousand people for a The cat could very well be man’s ride at the best friend but would never same time. MARJORIE JOHNSON stoop to admitting it.

DOUG LARSON.United Feature Syndicate

The turkey is living proof that an animal can survive with no intelligence at all.

- HARVEY D. COMSTOCK

I*. All Creatures Great and Small

At the end of a visit to The drive-up window at the Amsterdam, a friend bor¬ bank where I’m a teller has rowed an old suitcase from his an outside drawer to accept hosts to carry home his sou¬ customer transactions. A woman venirs. At the airport, however, once drove up with her dog in a customs officer subjected our the front passenger seat, and the friend’s luggage to a thorough pet eagerly jumped over onto search and even sent for a drug- the driver’s lap when the car sniffing dog. Sure enough, the reached my window. He dog entered the area, headed looked excited to see me. straight for the borrowed bag “Your dog is so friendly!” and went into a frenzy. The I said to the owner. customs officer now intensified “He thinks he’s at his search, but ultimately he McDonald’s,” she replied.

found nothing. - MARILYN BOURDEAU After arriving home, the young man immediately phoned his I always scoffed when my hosts and told them how puzzled sister insisted that our he’d been by the dog’s behavior. three dogs are computer liter¬ “Perhaps,” the owner of the ate. Then one day when I was suitcase said, “it was because signing on to AOL, I noticed that that’s the bag our cat usually One night while I was cat-sit¬ when the “welcome” voice came sleeps in.” ting my daughter’s indoor on, the dogs immediately settled - J. RIETDIJK-SHEPHERD feline, it escaped outside. When it down. Later, when they heard the failed to return the following “good-bye” sign-off, all three dogs I like hunting fossils, a hobby morning, I found the beast cling¬ rushed to the door expecting to that isn’t exactly my wife’s ing to a branch about 30 feet up in be walked.

favorite. On one excursion, I a spindly tree. Unable to lure it - MARGUERITE CANTINE found the petrified bones of a down, I called the fire department. squirrel-like mammal. When I “We don’t do that anymore,” the CD m In the Moreno Valley brought them home and told my woman dispatcher said. When I CO 3 (Calif.) Recycler: wife what they were, she persisted, she was polite but firm. W> E squelched my excitement. “The cat will come down when it jS “Homing pigeons “I’ve heard of many a squirrel gets hungry enough.” E 00 free to good “How do you know that?” I asked. bringing a nut home,” she to home. Most live remarked, “but this is the first “Have you ever seen a cat time I’ve heard of a nut bringing a skeleton in a tree?” she said. far, far away” squirrel home.” Two hours later the cat was ~ CHRISTY SELTER

- J. H. HILL back, looking for breakfast.

- TERRY CHRISTIANSEN

203 elight She came, she clucked, she conquered our New York City backyard. kill them off. “They just fluff their feathers,” Townley told me. And if there are no predators, there’s One day in the dead of the chicken hopped the fence and really no need for a coop. winter, I looked out began pacing the perimeter of our Chickens were beginning to my back window and yard with a proprietary air. sound like the ideal pet. saw a chicken. Eating it was out of the ques¬ The chicken took to its new It was jet-black with a crimson tion. As a restaurant critic and an surroundings easily. Its main social wattle, and it seemed unaware animal lover, I subscribe to a poli¬ task was to integrate into the local that it was in New York City. In cy of complete hypocrisy. Serve cat society—a group of about five classic barnyard fashion, it was fish or fowl to me, but don’t ask strays we feed. How would the two scratching, pecking and clucking. me to watch the killing. Once I species deal with each other? I shrugged off the apparition. meet it, I don’t want to eat it. One morning I looked out the Birds come and go. Usually Nancy and I next theorized window and saw four cats lined they’re pigeons, not chickens, but that the chicken had escaped from up at their food bowls, and, right like other birds, this one had a live-poultry market about four in the middle, eating cat food with wings and it would probably use blocks away and was on the run. gusto, was the chicken. them. Or so I thought. Our hearts went out to the brave Occasionally it would push a The protagonist of this story is little refugee. We had to save it. cat aside to get a better position. known simply as the Chicken. Of course we knew nothing The cats, for their part, regarded How it came to a small backyard about raising chickens. For the chicken warily. To the extent in Astoria, Queens, remains a starters, we didn’t know whether that it was a bird, it was prey. But matter of conjecture. The chicken our chicken was male or female. big prey. From time to time they made its first appearance next Moreover, what do chickens eat? would stalk, press their bodies to door, at the home of a multitude A colleague put me in touch with the ground, swish their tails and of cabdrivers from Bangladesh. a farmer, Steve Townley of give every sign of going for the My wife, Nancy, and I figured Milford, N.J. He poured balm over kill. Then they would register the they had bought the chicken and my many and various anxieties. chicken’s size and become gripped were fattening it for a feast. That “Chickens will eat just about any¬ by second thoughts. A face-saving, hypothesis fell into doubt when thing,” he said. Cold would not halfhearted lunge would follow.

204 o

The two sides soon achieved They were small, somewhere pine tree or the tree next door. parity. Sometimes I’d look out between ecru and beige, but this Nor was she pecking and scratch¬ back and see a cat chasing the was it. The blessed event. ing in any of the nearby yards. chicken. Ten minutes later I’d see Soon we could count on five or There were no signs of violence, the chicken chasing a cat. I like to six eggs a week. only a single black feather near think they reached the plane of After I wrote about the chicken the back door. mutual respect. Perhaps affection. in the New York Times, my mail- She was definitely missing. But Although it was nice to know bag was bursting with letters why? the chicken could eat anything, cat offering advice on the proper care Spring was in the air. Could she food didn’t seem right. When the and feeding of chickens. be looking for love? Or perhaps pet-store staff couldn’t help, I did Disturbed that she did not have she was reacting badly to the bur¬ what any mature adult male would a name, fans wrote with sugges¬ dens of celebrity? Or maybe she do in a crisis. I called my mother. tions. Vivian had a certain sultry was simply looking for a place to Mom drove to the local feed store appeal; Henrietta seemed cute. lay her eggs in peace. in La Porte, Texas, and picked up But Henny Penny? Like Garbo retiring from a 25-pound bag of scratch grains, The media jumped in. National motion pictures, she left at the a blend of milo, corn and oats. She Public Radio quizzed me about height of her popularity, well on began shipping the grain in install¬ the chicken for one of its week¬ her way to becoming the most ments. The chicken seemed to end programs. “My producer photographed, most talked about appreciate the feed, and I certain¬ wants to know, could you hold the chicken of our time. ly preferred seeing it eat grain, telephone up to the chicken so we And I am left cherishing the especially after the grisly evening can hear it?” the interviewer asked. memories. Nancy and I had when I set out a treat for the cats— Unfortunately, I don’t have a grown to love our chicken. leftover shreds of chicken—and 100-foot cord on my telephone. If anyone happens to see a fat saw the chicken happily join in. The Associated Press sent a pho¬ black hen, tell her this for me: Our care paid off. One morning, tographer to capture the chicken’s There’s a light in the window, and Nancy spied an egg on the patio. many moods. (She had two.) a warm nest at the base of the At the base of the pine tree, where Then one morning I looked out pine tree. ▲ the chicken slept, was a nest con¬ my kitchen window, and my heart taining four more eggs. stopped. No chicken—not in my

205 I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."

My father-in-law had prostate An adorable little girl walked Lost in the woods, a hiker surgery. We brought him to into my pet shop and asked, spends two days wandering the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he “Excuse me, do you have any rab¬ around with no food. Finally, he was operated on at eight. We were bits here?” spots a bald eagle, hits the bird amazed when the hospital called “I do,” I answered, and leaning with a big rock and eats it. A at noon to tell us he could go down to her eye level I asked, park ranger stumbles on the home. Two months later our bea¬ “Did you want a white rabbit or scene and arrests the man for gle, Bo, also had prostate surgery. would you rather have a soft, killing an endangered species. When I brought him in, I asked fuzzy black rabbit?” In court, the hiker explains that the veterinarian what time I She shrugged. “I don’t think my he was on the edge of starvation should pick him up. The vet told python really cares.” and had no choice. me Bo would remain overnight. - CINDY PATTERSON “Considering the circumstances, “Overnight?” I said. “My father-in- I find you not guilty,” says the law came home the same day.” Each morning at 5:30,1 take my judge. “But I have to ask—what The vet looked at me and said, Lhasa Apso, Maxwell, for a did the eagle taste like?” “Bo’s not on Medicare.” walk. He has the bad habit of “Well, Your Honor,” the hiker - CLYDE DYAR picking up bits of paper or other replies, “it tasted like a cross trash along the way. When between a whooping crane and a he does, I command spotted owl.”

him to “drop it,” and - ERIC FLEMING he usually complies. One morning, A French poodle and a collie though, he were walking down the absolutely street. The poodle turned to the refused to drop collie and complained, “My life is a piece of litter. such a mess. My owner is mean, So I told him to my girlfriend is having an affair “sit” and then with a German shepherd and I’m approached him as nervous as a cat.” to see what his “Why don’t you go see a psychi¬ treasure was. It atrist?” asked the collie. was a $10 bill. “I can’t,” replied the poodle. - ELSA BOGGS “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

- JOHN W. GAMBA

“I’ll negotiate, Stan, but I won't beg.” All Creatures Great and Small

We visited our “How do you keep newly married them straight?” daughter, who was “Well one is Bob Cat preparing her first and the other is Bob Thanksgiving dinner. Barker,” the boy I noticed the turkey answered. thawing in the kitchen “Tell him your rab¬ sink with a dish drain¬ bit’s name,” his father er inverted over the suggested. bird. I asked why a The kid smiled and drainer covered the said, “Dennis Hopper.” turkey. - MIKE HARRELSON Our daughter turned to my wife and said, fter our dog died, “Mom, you always did my parents had it that way.” “Yes,” my her cremated, and wife replied, “but you they placed the ashes don’t have a cat!” in a special box on the

- A. C. STOKERS, JR. could swear that box of frozen fish sticks fireplace mantel. One was here a minute ago.” day the boy next door My friend’s husband. came over to play and Ray, is a state trooper and A couple of dog owners are noticed the fancy container. enjoys sharing the excuses people arguing about whose dog is “What’s in the box?” he asked. use when stopped for speeding. smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says “That’s our dog,” my mom One day, however, the tables the first owner, “that every morn¬ replied. were turned. Ray maintains an ing he waits for the paper boy to “Oh,” the boy simply said. aquarium of exotic fish, and a come around. He tips the kid and A minute later he remarked, prized specimen had threatened then brings the newspaper to me, “He’s awfully quiet, isn’t he?” to turn belly up. The off-duty along with my morning coffee.” officer called a pet store, and “I know,” says the second owner. I was at a yard sale they advised him to immediately “How do you know?” one day and saw a box purchase a special additive that “My dog told me.” would correct the water’s pH. marked "Electronic cat Ray and his wife jumped into ulVTice d°g- What’s its name?” and dog call—guaranteed the car and rushed to the store. A IN I asked my friend’s 10- to work/' I looked inside state trooper signaled them to pull year-old son. over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Bob,” he said. and was amused to see “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!” “And your cat?” an electric can opener.

- DEBRA MCVEY “Bob.” - BRET SOHL

207 Snake 1: Enclosed with the heartworm My niece bought her five- pills my friend received from Are we year-old daughter, Kayleigh, a veterinarian was a sheet of red a hamster. One day he escaped heart stickers to place on a calen¬ poisonous? from his cage. The family turned dar as a reminder to give her pet the house upside down and finally the medication. She attached Snake 2: found him. Several weeks later, these stickers to her kitchen cal¬ while Kayleigh was at school, he endar, marking the first Saturday I don't know. escaped from his cage again. My of every month. When her hus¬ niece searched frantically but band noticed the hearts, he Why? never found the critter. Hoping to grinned from ear to ear, turned to make the loss less painful for his wife and asked, “Do you have Snake 1: Kayleigh, my niece took the cage something special in mind for out of her room. these days?” I just bit When Kayleigh came home from - MARY LOUISE RUSSO school that afternoon, she climbed my lip. into her mother’s lap. “We’ve got a A friend of mine is a deputy serious problem,” she announced. with the sheriff’s department FAITH LACKEY “Not only is my hamster gone again, canine division. One evening, the but this time he took the cage.” deputy was dispatched to the - PATSY STRINGER scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back When my kid sister and my door of a building ajar. He let the mother bought three exotic dog out of his patrol car and com¬ birds, they named them This, That manded it to enter and seek. and The Other. After a few Jumping from the back seat, months, This died, and they the dog headed for the build¬ buried the bird in the back¬ ing. After lunging through yard. A few more months the doorway, the dog froze later, The Other passed and backed out. My friend iJ'/\ away and they buried it was puzzled until he investi¬ M' / next to This. Then the gated further. Then he noticed last bird died. the sign on the build¬ Mom called my ing: “Veterinarian’s ‘CH sister and tearfully Office.” announced, “Well, I - ELIZABETH BENNETT ^ guess that’s That.”

- GLORIA VITULANO

“Maybe aerobics wasn’t such a good idea.”

208

nrHamster xThe Great ► BY JIM GROVE Caper No pint-size rodent would)uld

ruin my daughter's reputation. right into Hammie’s eyes. He seemed to be smiling. Friday. The weekend As great tragedies often do, this At first I thought that by baiting beckoned. But when I one started with a small act of Hammie with some hamster fast walked through the door, kindness. Amy had uncaged food—carrots, apple, a huge piece I heard a traumatized Hammie in the bathroom for an of lettuce—the little guy would child. Amy, our eight-year-old, early evening romp as she guard¬ pitter-patter back into the bath¬ was sobbing. Hammie the hamster ed the door. Unfortunately there room. Fie went for the lettuce. was inside our bathroom wall. was the teeniest hole where the Unfortunately, he took it right One major complicating factor: sink cabinet meets the wall. We’d back into the hole. Hammie was not ours. He was the never known it was there, but to After a restless night we swore class hamster. He had come to our Hammie, it must have looked like one another to a tell-and-you-die house as part of the great second- the Florida Turnpike. A quick oath. We had 48 hours to capture grade pet cultural exchange, sprint and he was gone: down the Hammie. It would be bad enough having survived more than a linoleum, over the baseboard and without kick-starting the second- dozen home visits with the kids in into the wall. And now the little grade rumor mill. Mrs. Blackwell’s class. A hamster squirt’s telltale scratching seemed Saturday afternoon. The plan with peer pressure attached. to move in rhythm to the sobs of attack: Lure Hammie into the Now, though he had been in our outside. Mice Cube, a small plastic rectan¬ house only a few hours, Hammie Midnight. The family was fast gle. Bait it, and the hungry rodent was where no paw should tread— asleep while I maintained the goes in the trapdoor, but he on and under pipes, stirring up hamster watch. Poking my finger doesn’t come out. drywall dust, munching on what¬ into the hole, I felt a hamster paw. This night brought less sleep— ever looked tasty. I bent over and, startled, gazed more scratch, scratch,

210 scratch—no Hammie. I guessed towel in apple juice. Put the buck¬ euphoria of her realization that he still had plenty of lettuce. et a few hamster steps from the he was there, was indescribable. Sunday morning. We prayed for hole and drape the towel over the My wife and I savored every sec¬ Hammie. Amy said that under no side—a kind of hamster ramp, if ond, as a living page of our circumstances would she ever you will. Just enough towel family journal unfolded. attend school again if we didn’t should stick into the bucket to Hugs and kisses. Hero Dad. catch him. The pressure was on. allow the hamster to fall in but Hero Mom. Hamster high-fives. A key to successful parenting, not crawl out. There are moments in your I’m told, is having a complete sup¬ Bedtime Sunday. The trap was children’s lives when your heart port network. A visit to Dad’s in place, but the bathroom wall bounces through your throat—the secret weapon, The Pet Store Guy, was eerily quiet. Was Hammie first step, the first bike ride, the now seemed crucial. alive in there? I sat in a chair, feel¬ first sentence read, the first ham¬ When I told him of our crisis, ing defeated. I had been beaten by ster drop. he barely batted an eye. Clearly he a pint-size rodent. I never did win a stuffed animal knew a lot about hamster psychol¬ Then, in what seemed like one at the carnival for my sweetheart. ogy. In his opinion, Hammie was of those slow-motion Chariots But now I know how it feels. ▲ either a) on the lam and loving it, of Fire moments, my hamster- b) playing a game of catch-me-if- loving, sweet-hearted girl was you-can or c) lost in the wall. But motioning to us from the door. he would come out. Hunger Amy had heard the hamster drop would win. in the bucket. The Pet Store Guy told me to She looked first. Her anxiety as take a two-gallon bucket and she peered over the edge of the place an apple inside. Douse a bucket, followed by the sheer My father and a friend were talking about the doors they had installed so their animals could let themselves in and out of the house. My dad asked his friend, who had two massive Great Danes, "Aren't you afraid that somebody might crawl through the dogs' door and steal something?" "If you saw an opening that big," said his friend, "would you crawl through it?” _H0BSims

Squirrels had overrun One day while we three churches in were doing yard town. After much prayer, work, my nine-year- the elders of the first old daughter found a church determined that baby snake, and I the animals were pre¬ encouraged her to destined to be there. catch it and put it in Who were they to inter¬ a jar. Later she found fere with God’s will? a huge bullfrog and they reasoned. Soon, got another jar to put the squirrels multiplied. it in. The elders of the sec¬ After dark I told her ond church, deciding they she would have to set could not harm any of God’s them free. With the frog “It’s my way of showing support.” creatures, humanely trapped in one hand and the the squirrels and set them free snake in the other, she started outside of town. Three days later, I bought my sons a pet rabbit down the porch steps. Suddenly the squirrels were back. after they promised they would she screamed wildly, dropped It was only the third church take care of it. As expected, I both the snake and the frog, and that succeeded in keeping the ended up with the responsibility. ran into the house. pests away. The elders baptized Exasperated, one evening I said, “What happened?” I asked, my the squirrels and registered them “How many times do you think heart thumping. as members of the church. Now that rabbit would have died if I “Did you see that?” she replied. they only see them on Christmas hadn’t looked after it?” “That moth almost got me.”

and Easter. “Once,” my 12-year-old son - CASSANDRA DALZELL - E. T. THQMPSO replied.

- L. BARRY PARSONS

212 All Creatures Great and Small

One afternoon I was walking hypnotist was visiting the ■y brother adopted a snake on a trail with my newborn il:A1.aquarium during feeding Mi.named Slinky, whose most daughter, chatting to her about time. “You know,” the hypnotist disagreeable trait was eating live the scenery. When a man and his said to the man feeding the fierce mice. Once I was pressed into dog approached, I leaned into the shark, “I could hypnotize that going to the pet store to buy baby carriage and said, “See the shark.” Slinky’s dinner. doggy?” “You’re crazy! He’ll rip you limb The worst part of this wasn’t Suddenly I felt a little silly talk¬ from limb,” the feeder said, laugh¬ choosing the juiciest-looking ing to my baby as if she ing. “But, hey, if you’re so brave, creatures or turning down the understood me. But just as the be my guest.” clerk who wanted to sell me man passed, I noticed he reached The hypnotist jumped in, swam vitamins to ensure their longevity. down, patted his dog and said, to the shark and stared it in the The hardest part was carrying the “See the baby?” eye for a full minute. The animal poor things out in a box bearing

- CATHERINE REARDON paused, blinked, and then tore into the words “Thank you for giving him. The bleeding man slowly me a home.” As I was walking through a made his way out of the tank. - JOANNE MITCHELL variety store, I stopped at the “I thought you could hypnotize pet department to look at some him,” sneered the feeder. parakeets. In one cage a green “I did,” the hypno¬ bird lay on his back, one foot tist said, holding hooked oddly into the cage wire. his arm. “Now I was about to alert the sales¬ he thinks he’s woman to the bird’s plight when I an alligator.” noticed a sign taped to the cage: - JOHN CASON “No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way.”

- JOAN DEZEEUW

0) W> to In Motorola’s employee ad publication, 3 WS Tradewinds: c TO “Freshwater piranha fish— £ W) $4.50 each. Free to good (A home—one-legged duck named Betsy.” “How many times have I told you— No coffee after September!”

213 One of the highlights of the freshman biology class at New Mexico Highlands University was the monthly feed¬ ing of a caged rattlesnake kept in the laboratory. One time, the entire class gathered around the cage and, in complete silence, watched as the feeding took place. “I’m jealous of the snake,” the instructor said. “I never get the class’s undivided attention like this.” A student answered matter-of- factly, “You would if you could swallow a mouse.”

- DIANE TALBOTT-MOS1ER

The vet prescribed daily tablets for our geriatric cat, Dave’s parrot was always using My sister-in-law, a truck driv¬ Tigger, and after several battles bad language, so he asked the er, had decided to get a dog my husband devised a way to give vet how he could stop it. “Every for protection. As she inspected a her the medication. It involved time the bird swears, put it in the likely candidate, the trainer told wrapping Tigger in a towel, trap¬ freezer for 15 seconds,” advised her, “Ele doesn’t like men.” ping her between his knees, the vet. Perfect, my sister-in-law forcing her mouth open and The next time the parrot thought, and took the dog. depositing the pill on the back of uttered an expletive, Dave did as Then one day she was her tongue. the vet said. Then, feeling guilty, approached by two men in a park¬ David was proud of his resource¬ Dave opened the freezer. ing lot, and she watched to see fulness until one hectic session Shivering, the parrot came out how her canine bodyguard would when he lost control of both cat saying, “I’m sorry for all the bad react. Soon it became clear that and medicine. Tigger leaped out language I’ve been using.” Dave the trainer wasn’t kidding. As the of his grasp, paused to inspect the was astounded at the sudden men got closer, the dog ran under tablet—which had rolled across change. Then the parrot said, “By the nearest car. the floor—and then ate it.

the way, what did the chicken do?” - DANNY ARIAIL - MADI LEGERE

- PAUL IRWIN

214 All Creatures Great and Small

Sounds of crashing and banging The Truth Abo in the middle of the night sent Cats JERRY H. SIMPSON, JR., AND LOUIS M. BUZEK me and my husband out to our Broadway's longest-running show, Cats, brought audiences a garage. There we spotted three romanticized view of these well-loved pets. Despite the elaborate raccoons eating out of the cat costumes, popular songs and lively dancing, the play didn't quite dish. We shooed them away and capture the essence of our feline companions. Here is what Cats went back to bed. should have done: Later that week we were driv¬

a Audience members should a For no apparent reason, the ing home and I noticed three fat have entered the theater only actors should have randomly raccoons ambling down the road. to find their seats had been run to the lobby and then “Do you think those are the same clawed and covered with fur. back to the stage at top ones we chased off?” I asked. a Sometimes the actors would speed. They then should have “Hard to tell,” said my husband. have performed, but some¬ continued as if nothing had times not—depending on happened. “They were wearing masks.” their mood. a A special audience member - CHERIE KONVICKA might have found a headless a The show would have had to stop several times to allow bird in his or her seat after cast members to bathe and intermission. groom themselves. a Most of the final act should have a When certain audience mem¬ bers opened their playbills, consisted cast members should have of the cast just staring attempted to lie down on at the them. audience.

Our cat, Figaro, comes home between 10 or 11 at night to eat. If he’s late, I turn on the carport light and call him until he appears. One day my daughter was explaining to a friend where we live, and her friend said, “Is that anywhere near the house where the woman stands on her steps late at night and sings opera?”

- MARGARET MATHES

“He likes you!”

215 <0 Jim strolls into the paint section “So the paint killed him?” oo C3 1 was waiting in line at of a hardware store and walks “Indirectly,” says Jim. “He 3 my county clerk’s up to the assistant. “I’d like a pint seemed to handle the paint okay, 00 c office one afternoon of canary-colored paint,” he says. but he didn’t survive the sanding ro and noticed a hand- “Sure,” the clerk replies. “Mind between coats.” E op lettered sign that read if I ask what it’s for?” C/) “My parakeet,” says Jim. “See, As spring migration “Any child left I want to enter him in a canary approached, two elderly unattended contest. He sings so sweet I know vultures doubted they could he’s sure to win.” make the trip north, so they will be given a “Well, you can’t do that, man!” decided to go by airplane. free kitten.” the assistant says. “The chemicals When they checked their bag¬ - JEANNE MAULTSKY in the paint will almost certainly gage, the attendant noticed that kill the poor thing!” they were carrying two dead “No, they won’t,” Jim replies. armadillos. “Listen, buddy, I’ll bet you ten “Do you wish to check the bucks your parakeet dies if you armadillos through as luggage?” try to paint him.” she asked. “You’re on,” says Jim. “No, thanks,” replied the vul¬ Two days later he comes back tures. “They’re carrion.” looking very sheepish and lays - FRED BRICE $10 on the counter.

“Botox Is English the easiest language to mangle? It sure seems so. Here are silly word plays, ridiculous euphemisms, hysterically flawed utterances, and other fun language twists and plays.

Word Play

When our air conditioner Oh no, the new mother broke down, we called for thinks. He’s an idiot. Can you be a closet a serviceman to come and take Expecting the worst, she claustrophobic? a look at it. It turned out to be a asks, “What’s the girl’s GINA FADELY ? high school classmate of my hus¬ name?” COSMIC QUESTION band’s named Love. He said next “Denise,” the doctor time we needed any repairs to ask says. Not bad, she thinks. Guess for him. The next year when we I was wrong about him. My son, a student at West needed service again, we request¬ “And the boy?” Springfield High School in ed Mr. Love. I took the day off “DeNephew.” Massachusetts, asked me to quiz from work and waited for him him on material he had been to arrive. Pity the poor insomniac dyslex¬ studying for a history exam. After he had worked on our air ic agnostic. He stays up all When I asked him to name three conditioner, he left his work order night wondering if there really famous defenders of the Alamo, behind. It had my name and said: is a dog. he correctly identified Davy “Wants Love in afternoon.” Crockett and William Travis, but - DONNA MELLER While I was driving through a he was at a loss for the third man, seedy area of San Diego, I Jim Bowie. A pregnant woman lapses into a noticed that sandwiched between “They named a knife after him,” deep coma. She awakens and a strip bar and a liquor store sat a I hinted. frantically calls for the doctor. storefront with all of its windows “Jack?” he asked hopefully. “You had twins. A boy and a girl. suspiciously blacked out. Over the - CONNIE GILBERT They’re fine,” he says. “Your door was a sign that proudly brother named them.” declared, “Welcome to Kink-o’s. New definitions to add to your We have nothing to do with office vocabulary: supplies.” Arbitrator: A cook that leaves

219 A Harley rider eating in ear about the a restaurant is H guy who went to checking out a gor¬ the library and geous redhead. checked out a book Suddenly she sneezes called How to Hug? and her glass eye comes He got home and flying out of its socket. found out it was vol¬ The biker reaches up, ume seven of the snatches it out of the encyclopedia. air, and hands it back to her. “I am so Freshmen in the embarrassed,” the general-science woman says. “Please class at Mark Twain join me for dinner.” Middle School in Mar They enjoy a won¬ Vista, Calif., were study¬ derful meal together ing astronomy. “What do and afterwards she we call a group of stars that invites him to the theater, makes an imaginary picture in “Do you have the root of all evil?” followed by drinks. She pays for the sky?” the teacher asked. everything. Then she asks him to “A consternation,” one student her place for a nightcap, and to There were only two people in replied. stay for breakfast. line ahead of me at the elec¬ - RALPH E. HEDGES The next morning the guy is tronics store, yet the wait was amazed. “Are you this nice to dragging on forever. Finally the At the end of a long, hard day, I every biker you meet?” he asks. customer behind me muttered, found myself standing in line “Not usually,” she replies. “Mr. Hare must be on vacation.” at a fast-food restaurant with my “But you just happened to catch Only then did I notice the name husband, Stan, and our three- my eye.” tag on the man at the register. It year-old daughter. The service - FROM THE INTERNET read: “Mr. Turtle, sales associate.” was painfully slow, and my hus¬ - BRON WRIGHT band’s temper began to mount. “Look, honey, it’s been a long 0 day,” I said, trying to console him. m The New York-New Jersey Trail Conference was preparing to “You’re tired. I’m tired, she’s 3 twO to move from its longtime home in New York City to tired.” C (0 Mahwah, N.J. The day before the big move, the following Before I could say another c sign appeared on the door: word, Stan interrupted me, smil¬ M V) “Here today, gone to Mahwah.” ing. “You conjugate well,” he said. - SHERRY DEPASSE - JANICE CECHONY

220 Word Play

For anyone who gets confused The state troop¬ If someone is addicted to about proper grammar and er pulled up style in writing, we offer, from the alongside a speed¬ eating Thanksgiving leftovers, Internet, the following tip sheet, ing car and was can lie quit cold turkey? “How to Write Good”: shocked to see that MICHAEL MORSE 7 • It is wrong to ever split an the little old lady COSMIC QUESTION infinitive. behind the wheel • Contractions aren’t necessary. was knitting. The officer switched Most of my English literature • The passive voice is to be on his lights and sounded his classmates thought reading avoided. siren, but the driver was oblivi¬ Melville’s Billy Budd would be an • Prepositions are not the words ous. So the trooper cranked up easy task because the novel is to end sentences with. the bullhorn and yelled to the only 90 pages long. One boy, how¬ ® Be more or less specific. woman, “Pull over.” ever, complained that the text was • Who needs rhetorical “No,” the old lady shouted heavy and hard to comprehend. questions? back. “Cardigan.” “Hey,” another student suggest¬ ® Exaggeration is a billion times ed, “maybe you should try reading worse than understatement. Sitting at a stoplight, I was puz¬ Budd Light.” zling over the meaning of the - CARRIE L. BENSON What do fish say when they vanity plate on the car in front of hit a concrete wall?...Dam! me. It read “Innie.” What do you get from a pam¬ Then I got it. The make of pered cow?...Spoiled milk. the car was Audi. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?... Nacho cheese. What do you call four bullfight¬ ers in quicksand?...Quattro sinko. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vam¬ pire?... Frostbite.

- DUSTIN GODSEY

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

- ED THOMPSON “The labs are back.”

221 In our software-applications When someone News that her third child was class at Williamsville East High going to be a girl thrilled my School in upstate New York, we offers you a penny cousin, who already had two boys. were running through a list of for your thoughts, “My husband wants to call her common computer lingo, which Sunny,” she told me, “and I want included “Pentium,” “mother¬ and you put in to give her Anna as her middle board” and “gigabyte.” Skimming your two cents' name in memory of my mom.” the list, one girl noticed the term I thought they might want to “RAM.” worth, what reconsider their decision, since “Isn’t that a kind of truck?” she happens to the A their birth announcement would asked without thinking. other penny? herald the arrival of Sunny Anna “Sure,” replied another student. \ Rainey. “You can rent them at a COSMIC QUESTION - CAROLYN WALLIS megahertz.” - HEATHER LESSIG Police are investigating the According to the Internet: murder of Juan Gonzalez. “It Danny was hard to miss at our Students in a Harvard English looks like he was killed with a golf school. A Civil War buff who 101 class were asked to write a gun,” one detective observes. forever wore his Confederate concise essay containing four “A golf gun?” asks his partner. overcoat, he was a friend to all. elements: religion, royalty, sex “What in the world is a golf gun?” When he was passed over during and mystery. The only A+ in the “I don’t know. But it sure made the vote for senior superlatives, class read: ‘“My God,’ said the a hole in Juan.” many of us were disappointed; Queen, ‘I’m pregnant! I wonder surely there must have been some who did it.’ ” Two boll weevils grew up in category suitable for him. - E.T. THOMPSON Alabama. One moved to The whole school was pleased, Hollywood and became a therefore, when the yearbook famous actor. The other adviser surprised us with an stayed in the additional photo. There cotton field and was Danny, decked out never amount¬ in his gray coat, ed to anything. with the caption: He became “Most Likely to known as the Secede.” lesser of two - MICHAEL G. STEWART weevils.

- DUSTIN GODSEY

You have to admire the way she juggles family and career." ofak..gat/a/i/ ’ ,V% T. wire Scrolling through my telegram as a literary genre. of the language.” Morse’s first e-mail the other day, As those distinctive yellow forms official telegraph message, sent on I saw half a dozen disappear from our lives, so too May 24,1844, from the U.S. messages, none really do poetry, drama and wit. Capitol, was only four words long: urgent and none fewer than 100 When I was growing up, a WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT. words long. One, from someone knock on the door from a Western Between those taps on Morse’s I had just met, clocked in at Union messenger always marked telegraph key and the playing of 1,286 words. a significant moment. The gener¬ taps for the telegram 130-odd Back in the days when electron¬ ation before mine trembled at the years later, the wires have vibrat¬ ic messages were truly urgent, approach of a telegram, dreading ed with bons mots. There was every word counted—literally. the words THE SECRETARY OF no medium as perfect for telling I remember trying to cut a WAR DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS someone off. The best may have telegram down to the 15-word HIS DEEP REGRET. In my day, been one sent to Lord Home, economy rate. Those Western the Vietnam era, we trembled at British foreign secretary: TO Union operators were great telegrams from the President that HELL WITH YOU. OFFENSIVE editors, sticklers who wouldn’t began with a maddeningly upbeat LETTER FOLLOWS. let you get away with reducing greeting. Two titans of repartee got multiple words into one by Telegrams had their own code going when George Bernard Shaw adding hyphens. “Love-and-kiss- words-STOP, SOONEST, PRO¬ invited Winston Churchill to the es? That’s three words, sir.” CEEDING, ADVISE—representing opening of his new play: It has been a long time since freeze-dried sentences. The form AM RESERVING TWO TICKETS I have gotten or sent a telegram. itself was built for concision. FOR YOU FOR MY PREMIERE. Cheap long distance, faxes and In his introduction to Barbed COME AND BRING A FRIEND— e-mail have made it possible Wires, Joyce Denebrink’s collec¬ IF YOU HAVE ONE. Churchill’s to be as wordy as we want. tion of funny telegrams, Marvin reply: IMPOSSIBLE TO BE PRE¬ And in our rush to communicate Kitman wrote that the U.S. inven¬ SENT FOR THE FIRST instantly, we barely pause to tor of the telegraph, Samuel PERFORMANCE. WILL ATTEND mourn the passing of the Morse, “pruned the deadwood out SECOND—IF THERE IS ONE.

224 ► BY CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY

The telegram traffic between What you read in a telegram The most concise military war correspondents and their depended on where you stood. message of all was sent in the editors back home provided great A lawyer who unexpectedly won mid-19th century when the British moments. When Italy invaded a difficult case for a client wired captured the Indian province of Ethiopia in 1935, a false rumor JUSTICE HAS TRIUMPHED. The Sind, now in Pakistan. Gen. circulated in London that an client replied: APPEAL CASE AT Charles Napier’s dispatch was American nurse had been killed ONCE! reportedly one word long: PEC- in an air raid. Field correspondent In a medium that depended on CAVI. In Latin that means “I have Evelyn Waugh received this from brevity, the smallest error could sinned.” (Say “Sind” and “sinned” his editor: REQUIRE EARLIEST be a Freudian blip. The wife of a out loud, and there you have it.) STORY AMERICAN NURSE Hollywood director who was on It seems a while since there’s UPBLOWN. Waugh cabled back location with a foxy leading lady been a neatly worded dispatch NURSE UNUPBLOWN. received this: HAVING A WONDER¬ from the field. Maybe if General When an illustrator in Havana FUL TIME, WISH YOU WERE HER. Schwarzkopf had been allowed to in 1898 cabled to William The military, as a rule, doesn’t go all the way, Operation Desert Randolph Hearst THERE WILL BE try to be funny in its cables, but Storm would have ended with a NO WAR, Hearst cabled back: sometimes they turn out that way. cabled flourish: BAGHDAD IN YOU FURNISH THE PICTURES Back in the days of the British BAG. On the other hand, when AND I’LL FURNISH THE WAR. Grand Fleet, a sailor wanting to you live in the age of machines The Spanish-American War soon make sure his admiral had fresh that can transmit Moby Dick followed. clothing after a tour at sea in three seconds, who’s got time Concision sometimes led to cabled to shore: WHO DO YOU to be brief? ▲ confusion. In 1933 the U.S. RECOMMEND FOR ADMIRAL’S embassy in Bulgaria cabled home WOMAN? That was quickly as follows: A DAUGHTER WAS followed by PLEASE INSERT BORN TO QUEEN IOANNA. WASHER BETWEEN ADMIRAL SHALL PRESENT CONGRATULA¬ AND WOMAN. TIONS TO THE PRIME MINISTER.

225 My friend John came into our stats published in the glossy French class one Monday program. My friend Brian Bird, a with a pillow that he placed on senior who was having a great his seat. Over the weekend he season, eagerly searched for his had been skiing and mildly frac¬ name. But then he threw the pro¬ tured his tailbone. Our teacher gram down in disgust, and I promptly asked him to explain, figured that there must be some enfrangais, why he was sitting error in his entry. on a pillow. Sure enough, his name To our amusement, John appeared as “Bird, Brain.” answered, “Sorbonne.” - DARREN JOHNSON

- GEORGE B. SHUPING As a fund-raiser, the chemistry Today in the markets, helium club designed and sold was up; feathers were T-shirts. Written across the front down. Paper was stationary. were our top “Stupid Chemistry Elevators rose, while escalators Sayings”: continued their slow decline. • Have yourself a Merry Little Mining equipment hit rock bot¬ • She’s got tongue enough for ten Bismuth tom. The market for raisins dried rows of teeth (she’s a talker) • What do you do with dead up. Coca-Cola fizzled. Balloon • This ain’t my first rodeo (I’ve people? Barium prices were inflated. And Scott been around). • You stupid boron! Tissue reached a new bottom. - FROM THE INTERNET • We hope your year is very - ERIC CAMPBELL phosphorous.

- SHANE HART Did you hear that NASA According to John Steinbeck, “Texas has its own private is planning to send a Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I history based on, but not limited group of Holsteins into couldn’t help but stare when a by, facts.” Texas also has its own burly biker wearing black leather language, based on, but not limit¬ orbit? Apparently they're jacket and chaps pulled up next to ed by, English. Here’s a primer on calling it the herd shot me on a shocking pink Harley Tex-ish: round the world. Davidson. My first thoughts were, • The engine’s running, but ain’t “Is that really a pink Harley? I nobody drivin’ (not too smart) wonder if he’s...” • Tighter than bark on a tree My high-school basketball Just then the traffic cleared and (stingy) team was scheduled to play he pulled in front of me. On the • We’ve howdied, but we ain’t in the district tournament, and back of his helmet were stenciled shook yet (we’ve met, but haven’t when we got there we were all the words “Yes it is. No I’m not.” been formally introduced) excited to find our pictures and - AMY CARPENTER Word Play

Shortly after my son started col¬ I took my high-school govern¬ A favorite beach restaurant of lege, the president of the ment class on a field trip to the ours has a simple way of university had an assembly for the county jail. Near the end of the advertising its hours. During the new students. “Welcome to Johns tour, we passed through the day, the window panes sport large Hopkins,” he began, “And please prison’s recreation room. There I letters spelling “Open.” note that it’s Johns, not John.” spotted two board games sitting After hours, the “N” is moved Then he told how one of his on a table, selections that I forward to spell “Nope.” predecessors, Milton Eisenhower, thought were particularly appro¬ - PHIL TRIPP had been invited to talk at the priate to a correctional facility: University of Pittsburgh. After he Life and Sorry. Three vampires walk into a bar. was introduced as the president - CHRISTINA GUERLAND “What can I get ya?” asks the of “John Hopkins,” Eisenhower bartender. said, “Thank you. It’s great to be While waiting in line at the “Blood,” orders the first in Pittburgh.” Department of Vehicle vampire. - JOSEPH B. MIRSKY Services for my new license “Make it two,” says the second. plate, I heard the clerk shout out, The bartender looks at the Driving through Southern “E I E I O.” “Here,” the woman third. “What about you, buddy?” California, I stopped at a standing next to me answered. “Plasma,” says the vampire. roadside stand that sold fruit, veg¬ Curious, I asked if she was mar¬ “Okay,” replies the barman. etables and crafts. As I went to ried to a farmer, or maybe taught “Let me make sure I’ve got this pay, I noticed the young woman preschool. straight. Two bloods and a blood behind the counter was painting a “Neither,” she replied. light.” sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My name is McDonald.” - WESTON DAVIS “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts.”

- THEODORE BOLOGNA

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

227 ^ | ggSR) gggg mm ___ M .

QUOTABLE QUOTES

I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.

- ARTHUR HAYS SULZBERGER

Polite conversation As far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was is rarely either. invented to make everyone FRAN LEBOWITZ, Social Studies (Random House) sound like a butler.

- CALVIN TRILLIN in The Nation

Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. The problem — GEORGE F. WILL in Fast Company with people who have no If truth is beauty, how come no one vices is that has their hair done in the library? they’re pretty LILY TOMLIN sure to have My early choice in life was either to be a piano some annoy¬ player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to ing virtues. tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.

- HARRY S. TRUMAN

I looked up the word politics in the dictionary. It's actually a combination of two words: polir which means many, and tics; which means bloodsuckers.

JAY LENO on "The Tonight Show"

a t ai»; Word Play

y wife and I were on the Did you hear about the Our son recently married a Ohio Turnpike, stuck behind Russian woman. During the a car going under the speed limit satellite dishes who reception, Russian and American in the passing lane. The car, married? guests proposed toasts. As some¬ which sported an Indiana Hoosier The ceremony was one translated, my sister-in-law basketball bumper sticker, refused said, “Good health, good fortune. to move over. Exasperated, I final¬ awful, but the reception Go and multiply.” ly shouted out, “Hoosier idiot!” was great. I couldn’t help noticing that

My wife turned to me and said - SANDRA CORONA some of the guests looked con¬ quietly, “You are, dear.” fused. We found out later that this - GEORGE COX The gladiator was having a had been translated as, “Good rough day in the arena—his health, good fortune. Go and do Hoss drove over to the next opponent had sliced off both of math.” county to buy a new bull for his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on - DAVID A. MACLEOD the farm. It cost more than fighting, kicking and biting as expected, and he was left with furiously as he could. But when Nancy was Catholic, but her only one dollar. This was a prob¬ his opponent lopped off both feet, fiance, Chris, was not. Since lem, since he needed to let his our gladiator had no choice but to my friends were planning to be wife, Sue, know that he’d bought give up, for now he was both married in the Catholic Church, the bull so she could come get it unarmed and defeated. Chris made sure to listen careful¬ with the truck—and telegrams - TEDDEM YEE ly throughout their prenuptial cost a dollar per word. Hoss sessions. At one meeting the thought hard for a minute. Finally priest turned to Chris and told he said, “All right. Here’s my dol¬ him, “Since you are not lar. Go ahead and just make it Catholic, we shall have the this one word: Comfortable.” ceremony without “How’s that going to get Eucharist.” your point across?” the clerk Later that day, Chris was asked, scratching his head. noticeably upset, so Nancy “Don’t worry,” Hoss said. asked what was wrong. “I “Sue’s not the greatest read¬ don’t understand,” he said. er. She’ll say it real slow.” “How can we have the cere¬

- RICHARD H. SCHEUB mony without me?”

- KURT SHtLLENBACK

“I think I’ll just stay in tonight, maybe open a can of worms.”

229 There once was an origi¬ were turned into everyday words dressed person was known as a nal Maverick—Samuel called eponyms (from the Greek guy. Over time, and after crossing A. Maverick, mayor of “upon a name”). the Atlantic, the term picked up a San Antonio in the Some 35,000 have made their less humbling connotation. mid-1800s—who, despite the way into English. The British have a knack for name, was no maverick. He was Murphy’s Law is one of the punishing memorable characters just a small-town politician whose most famous eponyms—the lega¬ with eponyms. name lives on not because he was cy of one very picky Air Force Charles Cunningham Boycott a great gunfighter—apologies to officer. In the late 1940s, Capt. Ed was an English estate manager you, James Garner, and you, Murphy, an aircraft engineer by who refused to lower rents for Mel Gibson—but because he was training, complained about an poor Irish tenant farmers, inspiring lazy. When Maverick bought a incompetent technician on his a rent strike and the first boycott. herd of cattle in 1847, he allowed team. “If there is any way to do it Thomas Derrick, another unpopu¬ the steers to roam on his ranch, wrong, he will,” Murphy said. His lar Brit, worked as executioner at unbranded. From then on, co-workers began calling the cap¬ London’s Tyburn gallows, hanging unbranded cattle—and, eventual¬ tain’s pessimism Murphy’s Law, hundreds of convicts before being ly, independent-minded humans— and mentioned it in a press confer¬ convicted of rape and condemned became known as mavericks. ence. As long as people keep on to die. The Earl of Essex pardoned As a household word, Mayor making mistakes, Murphy will live. him, only to be executed in 1601 Maverick has some distinguished, More distant, but still enduring, for treason—by Derrick. A der¬ if not always appreciative, compa¬ is the memory of the original Guy, rick was once a gallows; now the ny, including the likes of Mr. an Englishman named Guy word refers to any equipment Boycott, Ms. Bloomer and Fawkes. On November 5,1605, used to hang something. (Mr. Monsieur Leotard. There was a Fawkes attempted to blow up Derrick did not live long enough real guy named Silhouette and, Parliament and King James I. The to hang any Hooligans, members for that matter, a real Guy. All of English still remember the date by of a rowdy Irish clan who, legend these people achieved a sort of burning stuffed dummies in effigy, has it, terrorized a London neigh¬ immortality when their names and for years any bizarrely borhood in the 1890s.)

230 Meet the Cobb in salad, the Bloomer in underwear and the Derrick in crane.

Also achieving dubious fame Derby restaurant in Los Angeles, the Senate. One day we may find was Etienne de Silhouette. A who invented his salad in 1926. that people use marthastewart as deficit-fighting finance minister If you’re ambitious to become a single word to mean to arrange of France in 1759, he had the nerve an eponym yourself, the fashion with excruciatingly good taste. to suggest raising taxes. world might be a good start. (As in “I’m marthastewarting His name became a synonym Amelia Bloomer, an American his party.”) for cheapness. There’s debate feminist of the 1800s, championed Over time, eponyms may among linguists about just how the undergarment known as change meaning dramatically. we got the contemporary usage of bloomers. And the French aerial- That was the happy outcome for silhouette: Some say the black-on- ist Jules Leotard, creator of the Bertha Krupp, a German military white cut paper portraits then flying trapeze, popularized the manufacturer during World War I. popular were named after the even more daring tights. Her firm made a giant howitzer skinflint finance minister, while The newest eponyms come that British soldiers dubbed Big others insist he was known for from mass media and politics. Bertha. But the hefty arms mer¬ making the cut-out portraits. People already talk about gump¬ chant has been redeemed through Shirley Temple has never liked ing through life—getting by on sport: Contemporary golfers refer Shirley Temples. (“Too sweet,” dumb luck, the way Forrest Gump to her fondly as they swing the she says). did in the movie. “Doing a innovative driver named—what Nonetheless, during the more Homer” means smacking your else?—Big Bertha. ▲ than 60 years since a bartender at head and saying, “D’oh!” Homer the Brown Derby restaurant in Simpson-style, either in frustra¬ Hollywood mixed 7-Up and tion, or because you’ve done grenadine in her honor, people something dumb—or both. have pressed Shirley Temples on Among the wonks in \ her. The retired diplomat Shirley Washington, “to bork” is to Temple Black might well wish viciously attack a candidate or her name were Cobb. At least appointee. That’s in honor of then she’d get a stick-to-your-ribs Robert Bork, the Reagan salad. That concoction began with nominee to the Supreme Court Bob Cobb, owner of the Brown whose career was torpedoed in

231 fter a long career of being Aoccdrnig to rscheearch Coincidences were flying when blasted into a net, the human a man was arrested and cannonball was tired. He told the at an Elingsh uinervtisy, charged with stealing a bird feed¬ circus owner he was going to it deosn’t mttaer in waht er from Cornell University’s retire. “But you can’t!” protested ornithology laboratory. According the boss. “Where am I going to oredr the ltteers in a to the Associated Press, police find another man of your caliber?” charged James Buzzard, 44, who wrod are, the olny lives on Cardinal Drive in Ithaca, Searching in my library for two iprmoetnt tihng is taht N.Y., with stealing the feeder books by communications from the lab on Sapsucker expert Deborah Tannen turned teh frist and lsat ltteer is Woods Road. into an Abbott and Costello rou¬ at the rghit pclae. The - GEROLENE E. SNAVELY tine. “What’s the first book?” the librarian asked. rset can be a toatl mses When my wife and I were “That’s Not What I Meant,” vacationing in the eastern and you can sitll raed it I said. part of our state, our car’s license “Well, what did you mean?” wouthit a porbelm. plate was stolen. We planned to “That’s the title of the book,” go to a local office for a replace¬ I explained. Tihs is bcuseae we ment, but then we discovered “Okay.” She looked at me a little do not raed ervey lteter that our registration had expired. skeptically. “And the other book?” The new one was at home in a “You Just Don’t Understand.” by istlef but the wrod as pile of mail. “Excuse me?” After much thought, we came a wlohe. I got both books. Eventually. up with a solution. Taping a sign - NORM WILLIAMS over the empty license-plate Johnathan Powell space on the rear of the vehicle, Tiffany adopts two dogs, we made the eight-hour trip and she names home safely. Not a single them Rolex and Timex. state trooper stopped us, “Where’d you come up but many passing with those names?” motorists took great asks her friend pains to honk and Mandy. wave at us. “HellOOOOOO,” Our sign read Tiffany replies. “Just Married!”

“They’re watchdogs!” - GARY FROEHLICH

- GUSTAVO YEPES OxLO^EU_

“Try double

cluckin Oil it.” My wife walked into a coffee Rick, a banker, is show¬ shop on Halloween to find ing off his fancy new If a pig loses its the woman behind the counter boat to his friend Jim. But voice, is it disgruntled? with a bunch of sponges pinned the boat sinks, and Rick ; to her uniform. can’t swim. So Jim starts “I’m assuming this is a costume,” pulling him to shore. said my wife. “But what are you Finally, with only 50 feet to supposed to be?” land, Jim says, “So do you think One day, the president of the The waitress responded proud¬ you could float alone?” company came upon a ly, “I’m self-absorbed.” Rick gasps back, “This is a heck young man who was expertly - SCOTT PIPER of a time to be asking for money!” counting out a large wad of the firm’s cash. The boss asked, “Where did you get your finan¬ cial training, young man?” “Yale,” the young man answered proudly. “Ah, a fellow Ivy Leaguer! What’s your name?” “Yack Yackson.”

- ADAM JOSHUA SMARGON

The zoo keeper needed to pur¬ chase some new animals, so he started composing a letter: “To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right—too bad I don’t have a dic¬ tionary, thought the zoo keeper. So he started over: “To whom it may concern, I need two mon¬ gooses.” That doesn’t look right either, he thought. Finally he got an idea: “To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose. And while you’re at it, make it two.”

Honey, I’m taking the dog out to do his business. Word Play

The new composers’ that allows me to dictionary: drive like that.” Adagio Frommagio— “Oh, yeah?” To play in a slow and cheesy Let’s see it.” The manner. cop looked at Angus Dei— the license and To play with a divine, beefy then concluded, tone. “Ma’am, there’s A Patella— nothing special Unaccompanied knee¬ about this. It’s just slapping. a temporary Frugalhorn— license.” A sensible, inexpensive brass “Look at the very instrument. bottom, though,” the Dill Piccolino— woman insisted. “See? It says A wind instrument that plays ‘Tear along the dotted line.’”

only sour notes. - ROCKY MEYERSON Approximento— A musical entrance that is Rev up your engines and tell somewhere in the vicinity of £lye halve a spelling chequer the crabgrass to look out. the correct pitch. It came with my pea sea The 12th annual Mow Down,

- E. T. THOMPSON It plainly marques four my Show Down Lawn Mower revue Championship was held in Avon Did you hear about Miss steaks eye kin knot sea Park, Florida, bringing out the Eye strike a key and type a best and fastest in lawn-mower the self-help group for word racing. It also brought out some compulsive talkers? It's And weight four it two say colorful names. called On & On Anon. Weather eye am wrong oar Entrants included: Weedy write Gonzales, Blading Saddles, - SALLY DAVIS It shows me strait a weigh Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. A policeman looked up to see a As soon as a mist ache is maid Mowj angles. woman racing down the cen¬ It nose bee fore two long - JOHN DRATWA ter of the road at 100 m.p.h. He And eye can put the error rite pulled her over and said, “Hey, Its rarely ever wrong ii y fear that one day I’ll meet lady, would you mind telling me Eye have run this poem threw it JL God, he’ll sneeze, and I why you’re going so fast down the I am shore your pleased two no won’t know what to say.” middle of the road?” Its letter perfect in it’s weigh - RONNIE SHAKES. SUBMITTED BY SHARON KANSAS “Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she My chequer tolled me sew. replied. “I have a special license - SAUCE UNKNOWN

235 O ► BY JOSEPH F. WILKINSON VV IlilLum y k q . V -£) £> in TN ame t Just ask King Fisher, Robin Banks and Minnie Vann

I first became interested in “Send him right up.” (Miami) and Lance Boyle (Bath, memorable names while Frank N. Stein (Miami; Taylors, N.H.; Hayward, Wis.). James listening to The Barber of S.C.; Castro Valley, Calif.; Rindge, Dandy—there were several of Seville. I wondered if there N.H.; Rockville, Md.; Norman, them—must be Jim to everyone. was a woman somewhere named Okla.) is a name that gets attention. Then there are the old show-biz Barbara Seville. My search was limited mostly favorites: Laurel Hardy (Irvine, I checked my library, which has by my imagination. I found a Ky.; Flushing, N.Y.; San Francisco) telephone directories on CD-ROM. score of Robin Banks, as well as and Stephen Eady (Chattanooga, I discovered there are actually Georgia Peach (Belcourt, N.D.), Tenn.; Alexander City, Ala.). two Barbara Sevilles—in Ketchum, M. T. Head (Durham, N.C.) and Some names are only distinc¬ Idaho, and Fairfield, Calif. Minnie Vann (Jackson, Tenn.; Fort tive in telephone directories or An electronic treasure chest McCoy, Fla.). There were many other listings where last names had been opened for me. I felt in listings for Pearl Harper. Everyone appear first. For example, this great country there should remembers Pearl Harper. Cracker, Jack (Wilkes-Barre, Pa.); be a woman named Rosetta Stone. There are several women listed Dollar, Bill (there were eight of I found six (Pflugerville, Texas; as Sunny Day, one as Happy Day them!); Wise, Guy (Magnolia, Morris Plains, N.J.; Ellicott City, (Graysville, Pa.) and another as Ark.; Quinlan, Texas; Middletown, Md.; Leavenworth, Kan.; Beckley, Summer Day (Derby, N.Y.). There Pa.; Marianna, Fla.). Dozens of W. Va.; Miami). They’re probably are lots of June Days but not women are named West, Virginia, daughters of archeologists, many May Days—possibly and there are two North, Carolinas linguists and historians. because parents don’t want their (Oxford, N.C.; Keysville, Va.). A memorable name is a head daughters sounding as though If only my parents had named start. Imagine this salesman’s they are calling for help whenever me Sword, my phone-book listing cold call. they identify themselves. might have given me an edge. ▲ “There’s someone here to see Guys make a good showing too. you,” the receptionist tells the A little work turned up Phil company president. “His name is Harmonic (New York City; Frank N. Stein.” Beaumont, Texas), King Fisher Why did the French train derail? Toulouse-Lautrec.

JOHN KELL What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations? A used karma dealer.

RICHARD SELTZER How many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three—his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

MUZAMMIL PATEL Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

SAVANNA SMITH What do you call someone who has just printed 1,000 puns off the Internet? Well e-quipped.

J. C. PICKETT

What did the scientist say to his stubborn, argumentative clone? “Why can’t you be a reasonable facsimile?”

MARK SOLOMON

What do you call a rap star who has studied classical music? Yo Yo Ma Ma.

FRANK J. PLAZA While redecorating my bath¬ room, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet. “We haven’t got one here,” said the clerk. “Oh, no!” I said, crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I’d called. “Don’t worry,” he added help¬ fully. “I’ll contact our other outlets to see if there’s anybody out there sitting on one.”

- DOUG BINGHAM

Things you need to know if your son wants to quit school and become a rock star: • What do you call a guitar player who breaks up with his girl¬ friend? Homeless. I was waiting to board a plane in Everything is expensive in the ® What’s the difference between a Houston when a flight atten¬ upscale resort town where we rock musician and a 16-inch dant stopped a woman in front of live, and part of what you pay for pizza? The pizza can feed a fam¬ me to question her about the is attitude. I realized this after I ily of four. number of carry-on bags she had. bought a couple pounds of ham¬ ® What’s the definition of an opti¬ The woman vehemently defended burger at the fancy market on mist? A rock musician with a herself, claiming the extra bag Main Street. mortgage. was really her purse. It was the When I was taking the meat out • How do you define perfect size of a large briefcase, but she of the bag at home, I noticed the pitch? It’s when you throw your insisted that it shouldn’t count as label, “Ground Charles.” son’s guitar into the dumpster

a carry-on item. The flight atten¬ - FRAN COPELAND and it lands right on top of his dant finally let the woman pass. amplifier. As the next man stepped up, the flight attendant’s gaze settled on his bags. Immediately, he held up his briefcase and exclaimed, “This If athletes get athlete's foot, is my wallet.” do astronauts get mistletoe? - KIMBERLEY LEVACY

E. T. THOMPSON COSMIC QUESTION

238 Word Play

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS” together, they spell "THEIRS"?

Sitting in the first row of coach Fear factor. Are you scared of Did you hear about the college class during a lengthy flight, heights? Cramped spaces? If professor who was involved my wife and I were able to hear a so, you’ve got plenty of company. in a terrible car wreck? He was flight attendant as he pushed a Some people, though, have to grading papers on a curve. wine cart down the aisle in the wrestle with phobias that may - JACK R. KISER first-class section. “Would you surprise you. care for chardonnay or bur¬ • Automatonophobia = fear of Seattle has a reputation for gundy?” he asked the high-paying ventriloquist dummies rainy weather, so it wasn’t passengers. • Ecclesiophobia = fear of church surprising when Wang’s Chinese A few minutes later the atten¬ ® Aulophobia = fear of flutes Buffet restaurant started advertis¬ dant opened the curtain between • Selenophobia = fear of the ing “Dim Sun on Weekends.” the two sections, offered wine to moon - MARGUERITE POUGH one final first-class patron, then • Venustraphobia = fear of wheeled the same cart forward to beautiful women our aisle. “Excuse me,” he said, • Logizomechanophobia = He'S cureq looking down at us, “would you fear of computers. care for a glass of wine? We have white and red.” Reporter: - WILLIAM V. COPELAND “Brzinlatowskiczinina is the name of the guy on the Following months of marijuana west side who was struck by drug busts, the DEA took the lightning.” contraband into a remote region City editor: “What was his to burn. The fire was blazing name before he was struck?” brightly when an agent noticed that a flock of terns was flying Did you hear about the around the area. Concerned about Buddhist who refused the effects of the smoke on the his dentist’s Novocaine? He birds, they called the National wanted to transcend dental Audubon Society. medication. Their worst fears were con¬ firmed. There was not one tern left unstoned.

- JOHN ARENDS

239 “I wouldn’t worry. It seems you Does Santa call his elves have the early symptoms of Tom "subordinate clauses"? Jones syndrome.” “I have never heard of that. DOUG HECOX COSMIC QUESTION Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.” A man called the phone com¬ Words that aren’t in the pany to complain about his dictionary but should be: The fur began to fly when my listing in the directory. “I told Bozone—n. fellow airplane passengers you that my last name is The substance surrounding learned there was a chance they Sweady,” he said, “but you have it stupid people that stops might miss their connecting listed as Cyirwu.” bright ideas from penetrating. flights out of Aspen. When we “I’m sorry, sir,” the phone- Decafalon—n. finally landed, I found out just company rep said. “I’ll fix it so The grueling event of getting how nasty things got. it’ll be correct the next time we through the day consuming Over the intercom, a harried publish the directory. Now how only those things that are flight attendant announced, do you spell your name?” good for you. “Those of you continuing on to “Just like I told you before,” Maypop—n. L.A., please wait outside next to the customer said. “It’s S as in A bald tire. the boarding ramp and we will sea, W as in why, E as in eye, Pajangle—n. have a shuttle run you over.”

A as in are, D as in double-u and Condition of waking up - ALAIN A WAGNER Y as in you.” with one’s pajamas turned - BILL GAULEV 180 degrees. Snackmosphere—n. Psychiatry students were in The empty but explosive their Emotional Extremes layer of air at the top of a class. “Let’s set some parame¬ potato chip bag. ters,” the professor said. “What’s - BERT CHRISTENSON the opposite of joy?” he asked one student. ^T\oc, y°u’ve g°t to help “Sadness,” he answered. -L^me. Every time I “The opposite of depression?” drive down a country lane, I he asked another student. find myself singing ‘Green “Elation,” he replied. Green Grass of Home.’ “The opposite of woe?” the Every time I see a cat I sing prof asked a young woman from ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ And Texas. last night I sang ‘Delilah’ in The Texan replied, “Sir, I my sleep. I tell you, Doc, my believe that would be giddyup.” wife was not at all amused.” Jest the facts: Laugh-out-loud humor we couldn't resist, plus the funniest one-liners of all time. r ~i

j Last Laughs

Did you hear about the “Frank, check his record. My gut driver was handcuffed as the team doctor who went on a tells me that our boy has played searched the vehicle. this game before.” “There’s no drugs or guns in ski trip and got lost on Frank reports back. “You’re right, this car, buddy’ ” the SWAT leader the slopes? He stamped he’s got priors. He was busted for said to the driver. the same thing in 1815,1887,1921...” out "help" in the snow, “Of course there aren’t,” the driv¬ - RON DENTINGER er replied. “And I suppose that cop but nobody could read told you I was speeding, too.” his writing. Joe and Dave are hunting when - DARRELL ELMORE Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe - HAROLD ZUBER dials 911 on his cell phone and Vacationing in Arizona, a blurts, “My friend just dropped group of British tourists An older father noticed his dead! What should I do?” spots a cowboy lying by the side son’s Viagra tablets in the A soothing voice at the other end of the road with his ear to the medicine cabinet. “Could I try says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First, ground. “What’s going on?” they one?” he asked. “Sure,” his son let’s make sure he’s really dead.” ask. “Two horses—one gray, one said, “but make the most of it. After a brief silence the opera¬ chestnut—are pulling a wagon Each of those pills costs ten bucks.” tor hears a shot ring out. Then Joe carrying two men,” the cowboy His dad was shocked by the comes back to the phone. “Okay,” says. “One man is wearing a red price. “Don’t worry,” he promised, he says nervously to the operator. shirt, the other a black shirt. “I’ll pay you back.” “What do I do next?” They’re heading east.” The next morning the son “Wow!” says one of the tourists. found an envelope under his When the patrolman saw the “You can tell all that just by lis¬ breakfast plate. Inside was $110. man speed past, he pulled tening to the ground?” “Dad,” he said, “that pill only him over and asked for his license “No!” replies the cowboy. “They cost $10.” and registration. “I lost my license just ran over me.” “I know,” his father said, smil¬ after my fifth DWI,” the guy - JOHN GAMBA ing. “The ten is from me. The replied calmly. “I’ll give you the hundred is from your mother.” registration, but don’t freak out -Timeless Humor from the - DON KELLY when I open the glove box because I’ve got a couple of guns “For 20 years," mused the It’s Tuesday. Three in the after¬ in there. And if you should search man at the bar, “my wife and noon. Los Angeles police pick the car, don’t be surprised if you I were ecstatically happy." up a con artist on a section 872, find a some drugs and illegal “Then what happened?” the old Fountain of Youth scam. aliens in the trunk.” asked the bartender. The con artist is selling bottles Alarmed, the patrolman went “We met." filled with a liquid that he claims back to his car and called for slows the aging process. backup. Moments later a SWAT The detective tells his partner, team swept down on the car. The

243 On business in Mexico, As they all stood in three men get drunk amazement, one of his and wake up in jail to learn partners asked, “How did they will be executed, you do that?” though none of them can The golfer shrugged. recall what they did to “You have to know the bus deserve it. The first man put schedule.” in the electric chair is asked for his last words. “I’m from he police officer Yale Divinity School, and pulled over a guy believe in the power of God driving a convertible to intervene on behalf of the because he had a penguin innocent.” The switch is riding in the passenger thrown, but nothing hap¬ seat. “Hey, buddy, is that pens. The jailers figure God an actual penguin?” wants the man alive and let “Yeah. I just picked him go. him up.” The second man is “Well, why don’t you strapped in. “I’m from take him to the zoo?” Harvard Law School, and The guy agreed, but the believe in the power of jus¬ very next day the cop saw tice to intervene on behalf of the him drive by again with the pen¬ innocent.” The switch is thrown; Stumped, the physician sent the guin sitting beside him. “I thought again, nothing. The jailers think patient to a specialist. The man I told you to take that thing to the the law is on this man’s side, so returned to his doctor the follow¬ zoo,” said the officer. they let him go. ing week. “I did,” the guy replied. “And we The last man says, “Well, I’m an “What did the specialist say?” had such a good time, tonight electrical engineer from MIT, and the doctor asked. we’re going to a hockey game.” you’re not electrocuting anybody “I have a broken finger.” if you don’t connect those two - GEORGE RUSSELL A woman goes to the drugstore loose wires down there.” and asks for arsenic. “What The 16th tee featured a fairway do you want that for?” the phar¬ ((TI hen I press my forehead that ran along a road fenced macist asks. V V with my finger, it really off on the left. The first golfer in a “I want to kill my husband,” she hurts,” a patient complained to his foursome teed off and hooked the replies. “He’s having an affair with doctor. “And when I do the same ball. It soared over the fence and another woman.” to my cheek, it’s also painful. Even bounced onto the street, where it “I can’t sell you arsenic to kill if I press on my stomach, I suffer. hit the tire of a moving bus and your husband,” says the pharma¬ What can it be?” ricocheted back onto the fairway. cist, “even if he is cheating.” Last Laughs

The woman pulls out a picture find any bodies, though, so they -Timeless Humor from the 50’ other husband with the pharma¬ apologized to the old man and left. The young bride noticed that cist’s wife. The druggist turns Soon the farmer received her husband was depressed. pale and replies, “Oh, I didn’t real¬ another letter. “Dear Dad: Go ‘‘George, dearest,” she whis¬ ize you had a prescription.” ahead and plant the potatoes now. pered, “please tell me what is - MARSHA SCHAUER It’s the best I could do under the bothering you. Your worries are circumstances. Love, Bubba.” not your worries now—they are Six things you never want to our worries.” hear at the tattoo parlor: i <'T ir here did you get that great “Oh, very well,” said George. • “‘Eagle’? I thought you said V V motorcycle?” the engi¬ “We have just had a letter from a girl in Detroit, and she is ‘beagle.’ ” neering student asked his friend. suing us for breach of promise.” • “Boy, I hate it when I get “I was minding my own busi¬ hiccups.” ness,” his fellow engineer replied, • “Hey, buddy, we ran out of red, “when a gorgeous woman rode up so I used pink.” on it, jumped off, threw the bike I got thrown out of a mime show • “Two O’s in ‘Bob,’ right?” to the ground, tore off her clothes the other day for having a spasm. • “I bet you can’t tell I’ve never and said, ‘Take what you want.’ ” They thought I was heckling.

done this before.” The first engineer nodded his - JEFF SHAW • “Anything else you want to say? approval. “Good choice,” he said. You’ve got all kinds of room “The clothes probably wouldn’t back here.” have fit.”

- ED PERRATORE An old man living alone on a farm wrote to his only son, Bubba, in prison. “Dear Bubba: I’m feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. Wish you were here—I know you would take care of it for me. Love, Dad.” About a week later, the farmer received this letter. “Dear Dad: Don’t dig up the garden! That’s where I buried the bodies. Love, Bubba.” The next day, FBI agents stormed the property and dug up the entire garden. They didn’t

245 ancy offers her friend His wife was going into labor, Veronica a ride home from and a man dialed 911 in a work. During the drive, Veronica panic. When the dispatcher came notices a brown paper bag on the A pair of cows on the line, he cried, “My wife is front seat between them. “It’s a having a baby. Her contractions bottle of wine,” says Nancy. “I got were talking in are only two minutes apart. What it for my husband.” am I supposed to do?” Veronica nods. “Good trade.” the field. The dispatcher said, “Calm - ALAN E. OWENS down, sir. Is this her first child?” “No,” the frantic man replied. One day a genie appeared to a One says, “This is her husband!” California man and offered to grant him one wish. The man “Have you heard Up in heaven, the pastor was said, “I wish you’d build a bridge shown his eternal reward. To from here to Hawaii so I could about his disappointment, he was given drive over there anytime.” only a small shack. But down the The genie frowned. “I don’t the mad cow street he saw a taxi driver being know. It sounds like quite an shown a lovely estate with gar¬ undertaking,” he said. “Just think disease that’s dens and pools. of the logistics. The supports “I don’t understand it,” the pas¬ required to reach the bottom of the going around?” tor said. “My whole life, I served ocean, the concrete, the steel! Why God with everything I had and don’t you pick something else?” this is all I get, while a mere The man thought for a while cabby is given a mansion?” and then said, “Okay, I wish for a “Yeah,” the other “It’s quite simple,” St. Peter said. complete understanding of “When you preached, people slept; women—what they’re thinking, cow says. “Makes when he drove, people prayed.” why they cry. I wish I knew how - JOEL BERGMAN to make a woman truly happy.” The genie was silent for a me glad I’m a minute, then said, “So how many -Timeless Humor from the 60’ lanes did you want on that bridge?” penguin.” Breathless scientist, to return¬ - LISA FREDERICK ing spaceman: “Is there any life on Mars?” A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a lawyer Spaceman: “Well, there's a and a doctor walk into a bar. little on Saturday night, but The bartender takes one look at it’s awfully dead the rest of them and says, “What is this? the week.” A joke?”

- SEAN MORRISON

246

The humiliated soul and the souls of everyone in director said sim¬ your family, I’ll make you a full ply, “I had no idea.” partner in your firm.” “So,” said the After mulling this over, the lawyer, “if I don’t lawyer says, “What’s the catch?” give any money to them, why would I Jim’s doctor tells him he has give any to you?” only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news he dying with his wife, she asks what he penny pinch- wants to do with the little bit of er told his doctor, time he has left. “All I want,” Jim lawyer and pastor, tells his beloved wife, “is to spend “I have $90,000 my last few hours reliving our under my mattress. honeymoon.” Which is exactly At my funeral I want what they did. A local charity had never each of you to toss an envelope But after four hours of blissful received a donation from the with $30,000 into the grave.” And romance, she announces that town’s most successful lawyer. after telling them this, he died. she’s tired and wants to go to The director called to get a con¬ At the funeral, each threw his sleep. tribution. “Our records show you envelope in the grave. Later, the “Oh, come on,” Jim whispers make $500,000 year, yet you pastor said, “I must confess. I in her ear. haven’t given a penny to charity,” needed $10,000 for my new church, “Look,” his wife snaps, “I’ve the director began. “Wouldn’t you so I only threw in $20,000.” got to get up in the morning. like to help the community?” The doctor admitted, “I needed You don’t!” The lawyer replied, “Did your $20,000 for new equipment at the research show that my mother is hospital, so I only had $10,000 in r Timeless Humor from the ill, with medical bills several the envelope.” times her annual income?” “Gentlemen, I’m shocked that On his way to London to “Um, no,” mumbled the director. you would blatantly ignore this assume his post as executive “Or that my brother is blind and man’s final wish,” said the lawyer. officer of the Anglican unemployed?” “I threw in my personal check for Communion, Bishop Stephen The stricken director began to the full amount.” F. Bayne, Jr., was asked how stammer out an apology. he felt about his new duties. “Well,” he said, “I am rather “Or that my sister’s husband n the hospitality suite at a bar I like a mosquito in a nudist died in an accident,” said the association convention, a young camp. I know what I ought to lawyer, his voice rising in indigna¬ lawyer meets the Devil. The Devil do, but I don’t know where to tion, “leaving her penniless with says, “Listen, if you give me your begin." three kids?” Last Laughs

The Japanese eat little fat and gong an ear-shattering pound and A junior manager, a senior man¬ suffer fewer heart attacks stepped back. ager and their boss were on than the British or Americans. Someone on the other side of their way to a lunch meeting. In The French eat a lot of fat and the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. the cab, they found a lamp. The also suffer fewer heart attacks It’s three in the morning!” boss rubbed it and a genie than the British or Americans. - E. T. THOMPSON appeared. “I’ll grant you one wish The Italians drink a lot of red each,” the genie said. wine and also suffer fewer heart These two green beans are Grabbing the lamp from his attacks than the British or crossing the freeway when boss, the eager senior manager Americans. one of them is hit by an 18-wheel¬ shouted, “I want to be on a fast Conclusion: Eat and drink what er. His friend scrapes him up and boat in the Bahamas with no wor¬ you like. Speaking English is rushes him to the hospital. After ries.” And, poof, he was gone. apparently what kills you. hours of surgery, the doctor says, The junior manager couldn’t - IRWIN KNOPF “I have good news and bad news.” keep quiet. He shouted, “I want to The healthy green bean says, be in Miami, with beautiful girls, Jake: "Why are cow¬ “Okay, give me the good news food and cocktails.” And, poof, he first.” was gone. boys' hats turned up on “Well, he’s going to live.” Finally, it was the boss’s turn. the sides?" “So, what’s the bad news?” “I want those idiots back in the Bill: "I don't know, “The bad news is he’ll be a veg¬ office after lunch.” etable for the rest of his life.” Jake. Why?" Jake: "So that three people can fit in the pickup." - DONNA L. ANDERSON

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? How’s it work?” “Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the

249 Ti i wo doctors and an ! window. “Wow,” she said. 1 W 0k .1 i HMO manager die _1_J_ “It sure is beautiful.” and line up together at the “Hold on,” said the thug. Pearly Gates. One doctor He threw another brick steps up and tells St. Peter, through the window and “As a pediatric surgeon, handed her the coat. I saved hundreds of A few blocks later she children.” St. Peter lets spotted an attractive pair of him enter. boots. “Oh—” she began, but The next doctor says, the thug interrupted. “As a psychiatrist, I helped / SM£LTZ£fk. “C’mon, baby,” he said. thousands of people live “You think I’m made of better lives.” St. Peter tells bricks?” him to go ahead. those extra pounds. And Satan - STEPHEN MCCULLOUGH The last man says, “I was an brought forth cable TV, remote HMO manager. I got countless control and potato chips. And The blind man walks into a bar families cost-effective health care.” Man clutched his remote and ate and says, “Wanna hear a St. Peter replies, “You may his chips. Satan saw this and said, blond joke?” enter. But,” he adds, “you can only “It is good.” The bartender tells him, “Well, stay for three days. After that, you And Man went into cardiac I’m blond and I won’t appreciate can go to hell.” arrest. And God sighed and creat¬ it. The man sitting next to you is ed quadruple bypass surgery. 265 pounds, and is also blond. The God populated the earth with And Satan created HMOs... man behind you is 285 pounds, vegetables of all kinds, so and he’s a blond too. Do you still that Man would live a long and thug and his girlfriend were want to tell that joke?” healthy life. And Satan created the JTx.A4^strolling s down the street late “No way,” says the blind man. 99-cent double cheeseburger. And at night, holding hands and gazing “Not if I have to explain it three Satan said to Man, “Want fries into shop windows. Passing a jew¬ times.” with that?” elry store, the girlfriend spotted a - PAT PATEL And Man said, “Supersize shiny ring. “Oh!” she exclaimed. them!” And Man gained pounds. “I’d just love to have that.” And God created healthful The thug looked around, and ■Timeless Humor from the yogurt, and Satan froze the without a word threw a brick 60’i yogurt, and brought forth choco¬ through the window, reached in Did you hear they are putting a clock in the Leaning Tower late, nuts and brightly colored and grabbed the ring. “There you of Pisa? Because what’s the candy to put on top. And Man go, baby,” he said. The girl was good if you have the inclina¬ gained more pounds. impressed. tion and don't have the time? And God brought forth running They walked on until she spot¬ shoes, and Man resolved to lose ted a leather jacket in another

250 Last Laughs

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "What is the best thing about being 104?" She replies, "No peer pressure." - SYLVIA R. SHINER

A biologist assigned to work in Lou sees a sign in front of a where I helped catch drug lords deepest Africa hired a guide house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” and gunrunners. I was wounded to take him upriver to the remote Intrigued, he rings the bell and in the line of duty, received some site where he would do his study. the owner shows him the dog. medals, and now a movie is being As they were making their way “What’s your story?” Lou asks. made of my life.” into the jungle, the scientist heard The dog says, “I discovered I “How much do you want for the the sound of drums. “What is that had this gift when I was just a dog?” Lou asks the owner. drumming?” he asked his guide pup. The CIA signed me up, and “Ten dollars,” says the owner. nervously. soon I was jetting around the Lou is incredulous. “Why on The guide, who spoke little world, sitting at the feet of spies earth would you sell that remark¬ English, replied, “Drums okay, but and world leaders, gathering able dog for so little?” very bad when they stop.” The important information and send¬ “Because he’s a liar. He didn’t drumming continued for two ing it back home. When I tired of do any of that stuff.” weeks while the biologist conduct¬ that lifestyle, I joined the FBI, - STEVE DERIVAN ed his fieldwork. Finally, on the last day, the drums suddenly stopped, and the forest fell eerily silent. Alarmed, the scientist called out to his guide, “The drums have stopped! What happens now?” The guide crouched down, cov¬ ered his head with his hands and, with despair in his voice, answered, “Bass solo.”

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.” “That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?” The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

251 QUOTABLE QUOTES Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

- WILL ROGERS Humor is a rubber sword—it allows Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is you to make a a good thing to do. You may be the point without fool, but you’re the fool in charge. drawing blood. CARL REINER. My Anecdotal Life (St. Martin’s)

- MARY HIRSCH

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three R’s, No matter only one begins with an R. what happens,

- DENNIS MILLER. "Dennis Miller Live." HBO somebody will find a way to Humor is always based on a take it too modicum of truth. Ever heard a joke seriously. - DAVE BARRY, about a father-in-law? Dave Barry Turns 50 (Crown)

- DICK CLARK

How come if you mix flour and water together you get glue? And when you add eggs and * MPk sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go? ^ /c

- RITA RUDNER

0 Last Laughs

A scoutmaster asks his troop to On the way home from work, list three important things to "Knock, knock." Tom is stopped on the street bring in case they get lost in the by an attractive woman in a sug¬ desert. Food, matches, a bandana gestive outfit. are all mentioned. Then Timmy "Who's there?" “For $100, I’ll do anything you suggests a compass, a canteen of ask in three words or less,” she water, and a deck of cards. whispers. “I get the first two items,” says "Control freak. “Okay,” agrees Tom, handing the leader. “But what good are over the cash. “Paint my house.” the cards?” Now you say, - SILL UPDIKE “Well, as soon as you start playing solitaire, it’s guaranteed 'Control freak At a convention of blondes, a someone will come up to you and speaker insisted that the say, ‘Put the red nine on top of the who?’" “dumb blonde” myth is all wrong. black ten.’” To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, “How much is John told the mortician to spare 101 plus 20?” no expense for his father’s funer¬ The blonde answered, “120.” al. So when a bill for $3,200 arrived “No,” he said, “that’s not right.” after the funeral, John paid it tdience called out, “Give next month, he received a hi' her chance.” $85. He paid it, figuring it hat o the speaker asked the been left off the original tally blonde, “How much is But a month later, after 10 plus 13?” receiving another bill for Slowly the blonde $85, John called the funer¬ replied, “16.” al director. “Sorry,” he said, shak¬ “You said you wanted ing his head. the best funeral we could Once again the crowd arrange,” the director oared, “Give her another told him. “So I rented him chance.” a tuxedo.” “This is your last try,”

- RICHARD REYNOSA warned the speaker. ‘How much is 2 plus 2?” Last night I played a Carefully she ventured, blank tape at full ‘Four?” blast. The mime next door And the crowd yelled, “Give her another chance!” went nuts. “Quit complaining! I was the - JAMES T. DORSEY - STEVEN WRIGHT hammock last week!”

253 A farmer on a tractor The man auditioning for the approached a driver whose circus was confident, even car was stuck in a mud hole. though he’d been told the impre¬ “For ten bucks, I’ll pull you out ZSI'ymhis. sario had seen it all. “I have the of there,” the farmer said. most unusual act,” the man said “All right,” the driver agreed. before he began. “Just watch. I’m After the farmer had pocketed sure you’ll be amazed.” the money, he said, “You know, He proceeded to climb a tall yours is the tenth car I’ve rescued tower, and then jumped off, his today.” arms flapping wildly. Nearing “Wow,” the driver said incred¬ the ground, the man’s fall sud¬ ulously. “When do you have time denly slowed and he soared to work on your land? At night?” upward. He swooped past the “No,” the farmer replied. impresario twice and then flut¬ “Night is when I fill the hole tered gently to the ground, with water.” where he beamed triumphantly

- RODRIGO CAMARGO at his audience. The impresario stood there for This duck walks into a store Overheard: “I hate talking cars. a moment staring at the man. one day and asks the clerk, A voice out of nowhere says Finally he said, “So is that all “Do you have any grapes?” things like, ‘Your door is ajar.’ you’ve got? Bird impressions?” The clerk replies, “Sorry, no.” Why don’t they say something The next day the duck walks really useful, like ‘There’s a state into the same store and again trooper hiding behind that bush.’? ” Two attorneys walk asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says, “No.” A businesswoman is sitting at a into a diner, order drinks The next day the duck walks bar. A man approaches her. and pull their lunches into the store and asks, “Do you “Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little from their briefcases. have any grapes?” company?” This time the clerk says: “No. “Why?” asks the woman. “Do "Sorry," the bartender And if you ask me one more time, you have one to sell?” says, "but you can't eat I’ll staple your feet to the floor.” - CAROLYN A. STRADLEY The next day the duck walks your own food in here." into the store and asks, “Do you So this neutron walks into a bar The guys look at have any staples?” and orders a beer. “How much each other, shrug their The clerk says, “No.” will that be?” the neutron asks. So the duck says, “Do you have “For you,” replies the bartender, shoulders and swap any grapes?” “no charge.” sandwiches.

- GREG WILKEY - LYNDELL LEATHERMAN - LYDIA PRINCE Last Laughs

A man approaches the Gate Phil visits his doctor after -Timeless Humor from thecal < of Heaven and asks to be weeks of not feeling well. “I A mother was writing an let in. “Tell me one good thing you have bad news,” says the doctor. excuse to the kindergarten did in your life,” St. Peter says to “You don’t have long to live.” teacher for her five-year-old him. “How long have I got?” asks a daughter, who had been out of “Well,” replies the fellow, “I saw distraught Phil. school with a cold. a group of punks harassing an “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Okay,” said the little girl. elderly woman, so I kicked their “Ten? Ten what? Months? Days?” “But don’t write that I threw leader in the shins.” Suddenly the doctor interrupts, up. I want to save that for show and tell.” “When did this happen?” “Nine...” “About 40 seconds ago.”

- MICHAEL S. COFFEY

In Nevada two men were shut¬ ting down their small casino at about 2 a.m. when a beautiful woman came in and said she wanted to gamble $2,000 on one roll of the dice. They said they were closed, but she insisted that one roll would only take a minute. The men figured why not, the odds were in their favor. So the woman put her money down, and they put theirs down. Then she said, “Wait just a moment,” and went to the rest room. She came out a minute later, stark naked, and rolled the dice. “Seven,” she said, and picked up the money, returned to the rest room, dressed and left. “Did you see that seven?” one man asked the other. “No,” he replied. “I thought you did.”

- BOYCE D. KESTERSON

The first thing you have to understand is that when they throw your ball, they’re not trying to get rid of you.” 255 II I thinkseparate we can 1 you Last Laughs

t was the annual grudge match wo dogs were out for a walk. I Mother Teresa arrives in T football game between the large One dog says to the other, animals and the small animals. Heaven. “Be thou hungry?” “Wait here a minute. I’ll be right In the first half, the big animals God asks. Mother Teresa back.” He walks across the street crushed the little critters. But by nods. He serves them each and sniffs a fire hydrant for about the second half, things had turned a minute, then rejoins his friend. around. The big animals’ stars—the a humble sandwich of tuna “What was that all about?” the elephant, rhino and hippo—were on rye bread. Meanwhile, other dog asks. all tackled for huge losses. “Who’s the sainted woman looks “Just checking my messages.” making all those tackles?” asked down to see gluttons in the small critters’ coach. Alice and Ted went snow¬ “I am,” said the centipede. Hell devouring steaks, boarding, and Ted brought “Why weren’t you here earlier lobsters and wine. along a quart-size thermos. Alice when we needed you?” the coach had never seen one, and asked yelled. The centipede replied, The next day God invites what it was. “It’s a thermos,” “I was having my ankles taped.” her to join him for another replied Ted. “The guy at the store told me it’s used for keeping hot meal. Again, it’s tuna on rye. A scrawny little fellow showed things hot and cold things cold.” up at the lumber camp look¬ Again, she sees the “Sounds great,” said Alice. ing for work. “Just give me a denizens of Hell feasting. “What do you have in it?” chance to show you what I can “Three coffees and a Popsicle.” do,” he said to the head lumber¬ The next day, as another - JEANNE STANTON jack. can of tuna is opened, o you know what you get “All right,” said the boss. “Take Mother Teresa meekly says, D your ax and cut down that red¬ when you play a country- wood tree.” “I am grateful to be here and-western song backward? You Five minutes later the skinny with you as a reward for the get your job back, you get your guy was back. “I cut it down,” he pious life I led. But I don’t house back, your wife back, your said, “and split it up into lumber.” truck back ... get it: All we eat is tuna and The boss couldn’t believe his eyes. “Where did you learn to cut bread while in the other The husband came home trees like that?” place they eat like kings.” unexpectedly and found his “The Sahara,” the man wife in the arms of another man. answered. “Let’s be honest,” “What do you think you’re “The Sahara Desert?” God says with a sigh, doing?” he shouted. “Desert? Oh, sure, that’s what “See?” the woman said to her “for just two people, does they call it now!” companion. “I told you he was

- KUMIKO YOSHIDA it pay to cook?” stupid.”

257 I went on a 45-day diet It's going great ou, Sam and Joe walk into a bar l;jand each order a pint. Just as I've already lost 30 days. they’re about to take their first sip, flies land in each of their drinks. guy goes on vacation to the t’s chilly in here,” the Lou, the most squeamish of the 1 A IHoly Land with his wife and ‘I!wealthy customer sniffed. trio, pushes his beer away in disgust. mother-in-law. Halfway through “Will you please turn down the Sam, the thrifty one, fishes the their trip, the mother-in-law dies. air conditioner?” fly out and drinks his beer. So the guy goes to an undertaker, “No problem, sir,” said the waiter. And Joe, the lush, drags the fly who explains that they can ship After a few minutes, the man out, holds it over the beer and yells, the body home, but it’ll cost flagged the server again. “Now “C’mon, spit it out! Spit it out!!” $5,000. Or they can bury her in I’m too warm.” the Holy Land for $150. “All right,” said the waiter. But verheard: “If Batman is sup¬ “We’ll ship her home,” says the soon the customer was chilly again. o;posed to be so smart, how son-in-law. Finally a patron at a nearby table come he wears his underwear “Are you sure?” asks the under¬ whispered to the waiter, “I com¬ outside his clothes?” taker. “That’s an awfully big mend you for your patience. That - ASHLEY COOPER expense. And I can assure you we guy is certainly keeping you busy.” do a very nice burial here.” “No, he’s not,” the waiter said ay I try on that dress in “Look,” says the son-in-law, with a shrug. “We don’t even have “M;the window?” the gor¬ “two thousand years ago they an air conditioner.” geous young woman asks the buried a guy here, and three manager of the designer boutique. days later he rose from “Go ahead,” the man¬ the dead. I just can’t ager replies. “Maybe take that chance.” it’ll attract some - JASON TUTHILL business.”

- HARRY BUCK Two guys were dis¬ cussing modern 'ihe nurse said to trends on sex and mar¬ t:the doctor, riage. “I didn’t sleep “There’s an invisible with my wife before we man in the waiting got married,” Roy said. room.” “Did you?” The doctor replied, “I’m not sure,” Bobby “Tell him I can’t see replied. “What was her him now.” maiden name?” - PAUL W. REGENESS

- JONATHAN DURIA “Billy’s opinions do not reflect the views of the Andersons, their affiliates or subsidiaries.” Last Laughs

The devout cowboy lost his Shelley, a talent scout for a large favorite Bible while he was recording studio, was walking mending fences out on the range. by a convent when he heard Three weeks later a cow walked someone singing in a voice so up to him carrying the Bible in its beautiful he couldn’t believe his mouth. The cowboy couldn’t ears. He rang the bell and believe his eyes. He took the book asked to speak to the woman out of the cow’s mouth, raised his with the amazing voice. eyes heavenward and exclaimed, Soon a young nun appeared. “It’s a miracle!” “Sister,” Shelley said, “I “Not really,” said the cow. “Your represent Euphonies, Inc., name is written inside the cover.” and I’d like you to make a - ROMAN WILBERT tape of hymns. Your fee could be donated to charity.” UX ou’ve got to help me, Doc,” “I’d be delighted,” she the Irishman said. “It’s me replied, “but first I must get ear. There’s somethin’ in there.” written permission from “Let’s have a look. Why, my our mother superior.” “I think Mary is getting suspicious about goodness, it’s true. You’ve got “Okay, Sister, just give me a all the long walks.” money lodged up in there.” The call.” Shelley rushed back to the doctor proceeded to pull out a office and described his find to his $100 bill. “Wow,” he said, “and boss. Then he asked for a raise. /> there’s still more.” Out came a few Replied the boss, “Wait till the -Timeless Humor from the jf(j]i more hundreds, then some fifties nun signs, Shelley.” Then there's the story about and some tens. Finally the doctor - STEVE KEUEBEL the gossip columnist who said, “Well, that seems to be it.” asked comedian George “How much was there, all told?” A doctor answered the phone Burns, 74, if he planned to “One thousand, nine hundred and heard the familiar voice marry the 19-year-old UCLA and ninety dollars.” of a colleague on the other end of student he was dating. George “Ah, yes, that’d be right,” said the line say, “We need a fourth for took a long puff on his cigar and quipped, “I told her I the Irishman. “I knew I wasn’t poker.” might think it over if she gets feeling two grand.” “I’ll be right over,” the doctor all A’s on her report card.” answered. i & T~» very time I drink a cup of As he was putting on his coat, coffee, doctor, I have a stab¬ his wife asked, “Is it serious?” bing pain in my right eye. What “Oh, yes,” the doctor answered should I do?” gravely. “In fact, there are three “Take the spoon out of your cup.” doctors there already.”

- STEVE JARRELL - DOROTHEA KENT

259 How many country-western singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to put in the new bulb, and four to sing about how much they long for the old one.

LESLIE R. TANNER

Who invented copper wire? Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.

EARLE HITCHNER

Why did the Pope cross the road? He crosses everything.

TOM FLITTER

Why do some testing labs prefer to use lawyers instead of mice? Because there are more lawyers than mice, the scientists don’t get as attached to the lawyers, and there are some things mice won’t do.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories . . .

What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer? All the information you want, except you can’t understand it.

PRADHAN NAGESH Last Laughs

Ralph was on his way home One day, the general noticed Ten men and one woman are from work one night when, to one of his soldiers behaving hanging on to a rope that his horror, he suddenly realized oddly. He would pick up every extends down from a helicopter. that he’d completely forgotten his piece of paper he saw, read it, The weight of 11 people is too daughter’s birthday. He rushed to frown and say, “That’s not it,” and much for the rope, so the group the toy store and asked the man¬ drop it. decides one person has to jump ager, “How much is the Barbie in After a month of this, the gener¬ off. No one can decide who the window?” al finally arranged to have the should go, until finally the woman “Which one?” the manager soldier tested. The psychologist volunteers. replied. “We have Workout Barbie found that the soldier was She gives a touching speech, say¬ for $19.95, Malibu Barbie for deranged, and wrote out his dis¬ ing she will sacrifice her life to save $19.95, Soccer Barbie is $19.95, charge from the Army. the others, because women are Cinderella Barbie $19.95, Retro The soldier picked it up, smiled used to giving up things for their 70s Barbie $19.95, and Divorced and said, “That’s it.” husbands and children. Barbie is $375.” When she finishes speaking... “Hold on,” Ralph said. “Why is all the men start clapping. Divorced Barbie $375 when all - MARGARET PITMAN the other Barbies are only $19.95?” “Well,” said the store manager, Babs couldn’t understand why “Divorced Barbie comes with she was losing so badly at Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s Trivial Pursuit. Nevertheless, she boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat, Ken’s persevered, rolling the dice and furniture...” landing on green—Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you Jack walked into his house are in a vacuum and someone breathless and exhausted. calls your name, can you hear it?” “What happened?” his wife asked. Babs mulled over the question “It’s a great idea I had,” he for a minute, and then asked, gasped, smiling proudly. “I ran “Is it on or off?” all the way home behind the bus and saved myself fifty cents.” A guy walks into a bank, points His wife frowned. “That’s a gun at the teller and says, just like you, Jack, always think¬ Give me all your money, lady, ing small,” she said, shaking or you’re geography.” her head disapprovingly. “Don’t you mean ‘history’?” “Why couldn’t you have run the teller asks. behind a taxi and saved “Hey, lady,” the thug replies. yourself six dollars?” “Don’t change the subject.” - MIRIAM HARTILL

261 V

Ul II IICO One-Liners

As Tonight Show writeriter Dave Hanson points out, if you’re a master of the one-liner,ner, your audience will never drift—even for a split second. There’s too much of a chance they might miss something. We combed the comedy archives to find the funniest short takes out there, from crassic to current. Like your own personal stand-up show!

Cupid's Arrow "A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - TIM ALLEN

“A man in love is Cupid's Arrow Sharpened incomplete until he “The quickest way to a man’s has married. Then heart is through his chest.” he’s finished.” - 2SA ZSA GABOR - ROSEANNE BARR

“When I eventually met Mr. Right, 1 always wanted to be the last guy I had no idea that his first name on earth, just to see if all those was Always.” women were lying to me.” RITA RUDNER - RONNIE SHAKES Financial Genius It's a Zoo “A bank is a place that will lend you money, “Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - KERMIT THE FROG

- BOB HOPE "The trouble with the “Money won’t buy friends, but you rat race is that even get a better class of enemy.” - SPIKE MILLIGAN if you win, you're In Sum... still a rat." - LILY TOMLIN "I really didn't say “Give a man a fish and he has everything I said." food for a day; teach him how - YOGI BERRA to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.” Unfathomable - ZENNA SCHAFFER “Imagine if there were no “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

hypothetical situations.” - GROUCHO MARX - JOHN MENDOZA “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight “I don’t consider myself bald. cats to pull a sled through snow.” I’m simply taller than my hair.” - JEFF VALDEZ

- THOM SHARP

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best Miss Manners golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in “If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone, the NBA is Chinese.” come and sit by me.”

- CHRIS ROCK - ALICE ROOSEVELT LONGWORTH

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”

DOROTHY PARKER

Deadly Serious "It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens."

- WOODY ALLEN

263 Keeping Score “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will Women on the Edge choose to save the infant’s life without even “I have my standards. They may be low, but considering if there are men on base.” I have them.” - DAVE BARRY - BETTE MIDLER “Football combines the two worst features "I've been on a of American life: "The trouble calendar, but violence and committee meetings.” with jogging I've never been - GEORGE WILL is that the ice on time." “I went to a fight the other falls out of - MARILYN MONROE night and a hockey game broke out.” your glass."

“I used to be Snow White, - RODNEY DANGERFIELD - MARTIN MULL but I drifted.”

- MAE WEST Highly Questionable “Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.”

- AVA GARDNER “What’s another word for thesaurus?" - STEVEN WRIGHT Men on the Edge "If winning isn't everything, “I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it’s everywhere I want to be.” why do they keep score?" - VINCE LOMBARDI - SCOTT WOOD

‘A cynic is a man who, when he smells If mini-marts are open 365 days a year, flowers, looks around for a coffin.” 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, why do

- H.L. MENCKEN the doors have locks on them?”

- GALLAGHER ‘I drink to make other people interesting.”

- GEORGE JEAN NATHAN Fashion Plates “Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

"If God meant us to be naked, he - RITA RUDNER would have made our skin fit better."

MAUREEN MURPHY Health Nuts “I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

- HENNY YOUNGMAN A Comedy of Heirs “When you’re eight years “Housework can't kill you, old, nothing is your but why take a chance?” business.” - PHYLLIS DILLER - LENNY BRUCE

Wisdumb “If your parents ‘This is a strange never had children, country we live in. "Never ask the barber if you chances are you When it comes to won’t, either.” need a haircut." electing a President, - DICK CAVETT - WARREN BUFFETT we get two choices. “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys bang¬ "When I was But when we have ing on a million typewriters will eventually to select a Miss reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. born, I was so America, we get 50.” Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is surprised I - JAY LENO not true.”

- ROBERT WILENSKY couldn't talk for a year and “It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then a half." Odds-on Favorites don’t say it.” - GRACIE ALLEN - SAM LEVENSON "I figure you have “Never lend your car to anyone to whom the same chance you’ve given birth.” of winning the - ERMA BOMBECK lottery whether Speed Traps you play or not." - FRAN LEBOWITZ “Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?” - GEORGE CARLIN

"Why do they call it rush hour “lnstant gratification takes too long.” J J - CARRIE FISHER when nothing moves?" - ROBIN WILLIAMS 265

HMMUJIM

Last Laughs

The teacher asks, "If you Two friends were beginning “Yep. Cost me a small fortune, a game of golf. The first man but it’s really top of the line.” had one dollar and you stepped up to the tee, hit the “What kind is it?” asked your father for ball and got a hole in one. The “Twelve thirty.” another, how many dol¬ other man said, “Now I’ll take my practice swing, and then we’ll A pastor, known for his lengthy lars would you have?" start the game.” sermons, noticed a man get Vincent raised his - EDWARD W. STRICKLER up and leave for part of the serv¬ hand and answered, ice. After church, the pastor asked Shakey said to the psychiatrist, the man where he had gone. “To "One dollar." “Doc, every time I get into get a haircut,” the guy said. The teacher shook her bed, I think there’s somebody “But,” asked the pastor, “why under it. You gotta help me!” didn’t you do that before the head. "You don't know “Come to me three times a service?” your math." week for two years and I’ll cure “Because,” the gentleman Vincent said, "You your fears,” said the shrink. replied, “I didn’t need one then.” “And I’ll only charge you $200 - RUBEN QUEZADA don't know my father." a visit.” “I’ll think about it,” said Walking into the local cham¬ Shakey. ber of commerce, the Six months later the stranger obviously looked desper¬ doctor met Shakey on □ 000 ate. He approached the guy at the the street and asked counter and asked, “Is there a why he never came criminal attorney in town?” The to see him. guy behind the counter replied, “For two hundred “Yes, but we can’t prove it yet!” bucks a visit? A bartender

- JOHN G. STEEN cured me for ten dollars.” “Is that so! How?” Louise came home and found “He told me to cut Henry stalking around with a the legs off the bed.” fly swatter. “Killed any yet?” she asked. “Yep,” Henry answered. 4 4*; got this great “Two males and a female.” new hearing aid “How could you tell?” the other day. It real¬ “Well,” said Henry, “two were ly works on a beer can and one was on the fantastically.” “Are you wearing telephone.” “It’s number two! That’s the man it now?” who stole my identity.”

267 Albert comes home, plops “Are you all right?” Clementine is driving home down in front of the TV and “Actually, no,” the second atom one night when her car is says to his wife, “Quick! Get me a replies. “I lost an electron.” hit by a bad hailstorm, leaving beer before it starts.” She rolls her “Oh, no! Are you sure?” hundreds of dents. The next day eyes and brings him a beer. “I’m positive!” she goes to a body shop for a

Fifteen minutes later he says, - VYAS SARWESHWAR PRASAD repair estimate. The repairman “Get me another beer. It’s going to winks at his buddy and tells start any minute now.” Bill walked into a bar with a Clementine that if she blows into His wife is furious. “Is that all lump of Tarmac under his the tailpipe really hard, the dents you’re going to do tonight? Sit in arm. “What can I do for you?” will just pop out. front of that television drinking asked the bartender, looking him After she arrives home, she beer? You have to be the world’s up and down. “A beer for me,” Bill blows with all her might into the laziest, most—” replied, “and one for the road.” exhaust pipe. Her roommate asks

He interrupts her with a heavy - NIGEL PENN what she’s doing. Clementine sigh. “Well,” he says. “It’s started.” explains the repairman’s tip. “But A homeless beggar walked up it doesn’t work,” she says, pausing Two atoms are walking down to a well-dressed woman to catch her breath. the sidewalk when they shopping in Beverly Hills and “Duh!” replies her friend. “You accidentally bump into each moaned, “I haven’t eaten anything have to roll up the windows first!”

other. “I’m really sorry!” the in four days.” - MINDY VAUGHAN first atom exclaims. The woman looked at him, sighed and said, “I wish I had The curvy redhead limped into your willpower.” the doctor’s office complain¬ - PAUL SILVEIRA ing about a trick knee. The doctor f i stooped down, peering at the knee, and asked, “Now what’s a joint like you doing in a nice girl like this?”

- JOHN DRATWA

Late one night the political can¬ didate came home and gave his wife the glorious news: “Darling, I’ve been elected!” “Honestly?” she replied. “Hey,” the politician said, frowning, “why bring that up?”

‘At this point the Western influence starts to show.” Last Laughs

Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.

On their first date, a man asked Then there was the 85-year-old Howard dies and waits in line his companion if she’d like a woman who found her hus¬ for judgment. He notices that drink with dinner. “Oh, no, what band in bed with another woman. some souls go right into heaven, would I tell my Sunday school She was so enraged that she while Satan throws others into a class?” she said. dragged him to the balcony of their burning pit. But every so often, Later, he offered her a cigarette. Miami high-rise and pushed him to instead of hurling a poor soul into “Oh, no, what would I tell my his death. When she appeared in the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Sunday school class?” she said court, the judge asked if she had Curious, Howard asks Satan, again. anything to say in her own defense. “Excuse me, but why are you toss¬ On the drive home, he saw a “Well, Your Honor,” she replied, ing them aside instead of flinging motel. Figuring he had nothing to “I figured if at 92 he could make them into hell with the others?” lose, he asked if she wanted to love, he could fly too.” “They’re from Seattle,” Satan stop in there. - ROB MARSHALL replies. “They’re too wet to burn.” “Okay,” his date replied. - ANNETTE JOHNSON “What will you tell your Sunday Bob and Bill fly to Alaska for a school class?” he asked, shocked. fishing trip. They hire a bush Jason showed his buddy the “The same thing I always tell pilot and rent a boat, rods and beautiful diamond ring he had them. ‘You don’t have to drink or tackle. After two weeks, they’ve bought his girlfriend for her birth¬ smoke to have a good time.’ ” caught only one small salmon. day. “I thought she wanted a

- GEORGE NORDHAM “Man, Bill,” Bob says. “Do you four-wheel-drive vehicle,” ven¬ realize this lousy fish cost us tured his friend. A businessman taking an effi¬ about $2,000 apiece?” “She did,” Jason said. “But where ciency seminar presented a “Wow,” Bill replies. “At that am I going to find a fake Jeep?” case study on his wife’s routine rate, it’s a good thing we only - ZHANG WENPENG for cooking breakfast: “After a few caught one.” days of observation, I determined 0) what was slowing her down and 00 Church bulletin bloopers, courtesy of the Internet: ro suggested ways to speed up the 3 00 “Morning sermon: Jesus Walks on the Water. Evening process.” C “Did it work?” the teacher JS sermon: Searching for Jesus.” asked. c 00 “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get “It sure did. Instead of taking V) rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. her 20 minutes to cook my break¬ Don’t forget your husbands.” fast, it takes me only seven.”

269 A young woman was describing Looking down, St. Peter said to -Timeless Humor from the 7

let his mother worry.” “Here and there,” said the man. - SCOTT HOFFMAN “What do you do for a living?” Sunday a minister played hooky “This and that.” from church so he could enjoy a “Take him away,” said the judge. round of golf, leaving his assistant The man said, “Wait a minute! to conduct the service. He drove to When will I get out?” a faraway golf course to avoid The judge replied, “Sooner bumping into any parishioners. or later.”

270 text credits

PAGE 16 “Designer of Audio CD Packaging Enters Hell”: Reprinted by permission of International Creative Management, Inc.© 1999 by Steve Martin. Originally appeared in The New Yorker. PAGE 22 “In the Battle of Wits with Kitchen Appliances, I’m Toast”: Boogers Are My Beat, © 2003 by Dave Barry. Used by permission of Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc. Originally appeared in Miami Herald. PAGE 40 “No Wooden Nickels”: Currency of the Heart, © 2002 by Donald R. Nichols, published by the University of Iowa Press, 100 Kuhl House, Iowa City, IA 52242-1000. PAGE 54 “Caddy Hack”: Who’s Your Caddy? © 2003 by Rick Reilly. Used by permis¬ sion of Random House. PAGE 62 “Me and My Big Mouth”: It’s Only a Game, © 2001 by Terry Bradshaw, published by Pocket Books, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1230 Ave. of the Americas, New York, NY 10020. PAGE 76 “How Did That Get There?”: FamilyFun (August ’99), © 1999 by FamilyFun, 244 Main St., Northampton, MA 01060. PAGE 82 “The Cat Years”: © 1996 by Adair Lara, San Francisco Chronicle (March 28, ’96), 901 Mission St., San Francisco, CA 94103. PAGE 86 “What Do Kids Know?”: The Advocate (November 30, ’95), © 1995 by The Advocate, 75 Tresser Blvd., Stamford, CT 06904. PAGE 90 “Time for the Talk”: Fathers, Sons, and Brothers, © 1997 by Bret Lott. Reprinted by permission of Harcourt, Inc. PAGE 100 “A Lineup of Fumbling Felons, Clumsy Crooks, and Bumbling Bad Guys”: America’s Dumbest Criminals by Daniel Butler, Alan Ray, and Leland Gregory, © 1995 The Entheos Group, L.L.C., published by Rutledge Hill Press, Inc., 211 Seventh Ave. North, Nashville, TN 37219. PAGE 104 “Open Mouth, Insert Foot”: Forbes FYI (Summer 1998), © 1998 by Forbes, Inc., 60 Fifth Ave., New York, NY 10011. PAGE 116 “The Know-It-All”: The Know-It-All: One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World, © 2004 by A. J. Jacobs. Reprinted with permission of Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group. PAGE 164 “What Women Want”: Boogers Are My Beat, © 2003 by Dave Barry. Used by per¬ mission of Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc. Originally appeared in Miami Herald. PAGE 176 “Guys and Dolls Syndrome: When Men Go Ape, Women Go Shopping”: © 2000 by Dave Barry, Miami Herald (July 2, ’00), One Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. PAGE 204 “Chicken Delight”: New York Times (March 21 and April 4, ’01), © 2001 by New York Times Co., 229 W. 43 St., New York, NY 10036. PAGE 210 “The Great Hamster Caper”: Florida, the Sunday Magazine of the Orlando Sentinel (July 6, ’97), © 1997 by Sentinel Communications Co., 633 N. Orange Ave., Orlando, FL 32801. PAGE 224 “Wit by Wire”: Forbes FYI (March 10, ’97), © 1997 by Forbes, Inc., 60 Fifth Ave., New York, NY 10011. PAGE 236 “What’s in a Name?”: © 1996 by Joseph F. Wilkinson, Smithsonian (March ’96), 900 Jefferson Dr., Washington, DC 20560. art credits

AM Alberts 25,216 Robert Risko 189,262-264

Charles Almon 148,207,213,223 Norm Rockwell 166,253

Mark Anderson 59, 94,172 Harley Schwadron 20,44,50,53, 65,186,194

Aaron Bacall 11,137 Mike Shapiro 129,255

Ian Baker 47 220,244,256 Vahan Shirvanian 81,108-109,121,173,203,209,270

Tim Bolton 96 Steve Smeltzer 74,78,175,250

Marty Bucella 39,128,136 Elwood Smith 1,5,15,17,23,31, 41, 46, 55,57, 63, 75, 77, 87, Patrick Byrnes 10,43, 68, 83,101 91,105,117,119,130,133,139,145,147,157,159,171,174,177, 202, 205, 211, 225, 228, 231,236, 252,272 John Caldwell 8,34, 49, 89,106,112,155,233,245 Thomas Bros. 29,36, Ml, 182,234 Scott Calvert 27,32 Carla Ventresca 24,212 Dave Carpenter 99,154,185,192,267 Kim Warp J26, 199 Ken Catalino 42,152 WestMach 229,232 Roy Delgado 61, 70, 73, 93,134,142,178,179,184, 193,198, 201, 206, 215, 235, 259

Benita Epstein 72,135,221

Feggo 268

Randy Glasbergen 48,160

John Grimes 52,144,180

Joe Kohl 161

Jeff Lok 26

Mike Lynch 14,18,19, 37, 66, 85, 98,124,150,156,196, 214,258

Patricia Madigan 115,131

Scott Arthur Masear 58,163,200,208,222,242, 248,261

Peter Mueller 28,80,88,238

Mary Nadler 169,240

Dan Reynolds 13,103,110, 111, 122,123,165,218,226, 227,239,247,249, 251, 254, 266

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