Laughter, the Best Medicine II : a Laugh-Out-Loud Collection of Our
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a Laugh-Out-Loud Collection of our Funniest Jokes, Quotes, Stories and Cartoons Compliments of the Aetna Foundation v Aetna Foundation a Laugh-Out-Loud Collection of our Funniest Jokes, Quotes, Stories and Cartoons Reader's 1 VDigest The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. • Pleasantville, NY / Montreal PROJECT STAFF Copyright ©2006 by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. EDITOR Marianne Wait SR. DESIGN DIRECTOR All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited. Elizabeth Tunnicliffe Reader’s Digest and the Pegasus logo are registered trademarks of The Reader’s Digest CONTRIBUTING EDITOR Association, Inc. Doug Colligan COPY EDITOR Jeanette Gingold ISBN 10: 0-7621-0814-2 COVER AND SPOT ILLUSTRATION ISBN 13: 978-0-7621-0814-5 Elwood Smith Address any comments about Laughter, The Best Medicine II to: READER'S DIGEST BOOKS The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. PRESIDENT AND PUBLISHER Adult Trade Publishing Flarold Clarke Reader’s Digest Road EDITOR IN CHIEF Pleasantville, NY 10570-7000 Neil Wertheimer MANAGING EDITOR Suzanne G. Beason Previously published in 2005 as Laughter, The Best Medicine (ISBN 0-7621-0719-7) ART DIRECTOR Michele Laseau PRODUCTION TECHNOLOGY MANAGER Douglas A. Croll Cover illustration © Elwood Smith MANUFACTURING MANAGER John L. Cassidy BOOK MARKETING DIRECTOR For more Reader’s Digest products and information, visit our website: Dawn Nelson www.rd.com (in the United States) DIRECTOR OF DIRECT MARKETING www.readersdigest.ca (in Canada) Lisa Walker READER’S DIGEST Printed in China ASSOCIATION, INC. 3579 10 8642 PRESIDENT, NORTH AMERICA GLOBAL EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Eric W. Schrier Introduction Doctor: "I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live. Patient: "That is bad news. What could be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday." This familiar joke made mil¬ Enter 11-digit prime number Reader’s Digest has always lions of people laugh when we to continue... believed in the power of laughter. published it in Reader’s Digest Smash forehead on keyboard Our well-known magazine magazine. And every time you to continue... column, “Laughter, the Best laugh, it’s like taking a miracle Medicine,” has appeared in every pill for your health. According to Even subjects of great debate issue of the magazine for over doctors and scientific researchers, and heated discussion can be half a century. Over the years, laughter can reduce stress, lower defused by humor: we have published more than blood pressure, boost the immune 100,000 jokes, quotes, and funny system, improve brain function, "As long as there are tests, there will stories from the more than and even protect your heart. be prayer in public schools." 20 million people who have Maybe that’s why the average per¬ submitted them. We receive about son laughs around 17 times a day. And when we’re afraid of 35,000 submissions each month When you think about humor something, the best thing to do and have awarded more than and health, it’s no wonder that we is laugh our way through it. Let’s $25 million to our comic contribu¬ have a “funny bone,” that humor is say you need an operation. You’re tors. We never thought we were “contagious,” and that laughter scared. You’re worried. You don’t in the business of healing, but is “infectious.” know if you’ll come through it all. science has put us there—and Humor is also an “antidote” to So your friend takes you aside, we’re glad of it. everyday problems, like trying to gives you a pep talk, and says As you read this book, remember make sense of a computer error. don’t worry unless you hear the to share a laugh or two with your You can get angry about it, or you following during the operation: family and friends. And keep it can respond with a joke, like this handy. You never know when you’ll one: "Better save that. Well need it for need another dose of the best the autopsy." medicine. Or, as Groucho Marx ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! once said, “A laugh is like an "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Press any key to continue... Bad dog!” aspirin, only it works twice as fast.” Press any key...no, no, no, "Oh, no! I just lost my Rolex." NOT THAT ONE JACQUELINE LEO "Wait a minute...if this is his spleen, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Press any key to continue or any READER'S DIGEST then what's that?" key to quit... A Kid s World Life in These 69 Times They're innocent, earnest, 7 and accidentally hilarious. It keeps us plugged in, turned on, The priceless things kids say, the and sometimes ticked off. unlikely things they do, and The ironies, absurdities, and the brain-sguashing challenges marvels of modern-day life. they pose to us unsuspecting adults. AH in a Day s Work Dumb and 33 Dumber 95 You put a bunch of adults together and tell them to get People do dumb things— something meaningful accom¬ the dumber, the funnier. plished, and for some reason, Here are the verbal flubs, social it often turns out pretty funny. gaffes, and fix-it fiascos we love to laugh at—as long as they're not ours. Humor in Uniform Word Play Aging 181 217 Gracelessly The trials and tribulations of our Is English the easiest language to sons, daughters, parents, mangle? It sure seems so. Here are 125 and friends in the military. silly word plays, ridiculous Face it—you're not getting euphemisms, hysterically flawed better, you're getting older, and utterances, and other fun language the sooner you come to terms twists and plays. with that, or incorporate All Creatures Botox injections into your budget, Great and Small the better. 195 Last Laughs Dogs, cats, and countless common 241 critters are all part of our Jest the facts: Laugh-out-loud Venus and Mars everyday lives. Here's the funny humor we couldn't resist, stuff that happens when animals 151 plus the funniest one-liners cross paths with us humans. Speaking of war and laughter— of all time. put together, it's called marriage. Despite thousands of years of practice, men and women still don't connect well. But it's fun to watch 'em try. Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2018 with funding from Kahle/Austin Foundation https://archive.Org/details/laughterbestmedi0000unse It keeps us plugged in, turned on, and sometimes ticked off. The ironies, absurdities, and marvels of modern-day life. r Gi2vS^3 £~3 £5353 EZZZZ3 L Life in These Times My boyfriend and I met online During a visit to the ladies’ Learning to use a voice-recog¬ and we’d been dating for room, my friend Addy heard nition computer program, I over a year. I introduced Hans to the woman in the next stall sud¬ was excited about the prospect of my uncle, who was fascinated by denly ask, “So how are you?” finally being able to write more the fact that we met over the Startled, Addy replied tentative¬ accurately than I type. First I read Internet. He asked Hans what ly, “Fine.” out loud to the computer for kind of line he had used to pick The woman continued, “So about an hour to train it to my me up. what’s new?” voice, then I opened a clean page Ever the geek, Hans naively Still confused, Addy said, “Not and dictated a nursery rhyme to replied, “I just used a regular 56K much. What’s new with you?” see the magic. modem.” It was then that the woman The computer recorded: - ANNE MCCONNE snapped, “Do you mind? I’m on “Murry fed a little clam, its fleas the phone.” was bright and slow.” Kids have a greater need for - MARION SPARER - CARRIE E. PITTS speed than classroom com¬ puters can deliver. Impatient to I was visiting a friend who could turn in his term paper, one rest¬ not find her cordless phone. -Timeless Humor from the 50’: less student kept clicking the After several minutes of search¬ The big electronic computer ing, her young daughter said, “Print” command. The printer in the accounting department started to churn out copy after “You know what they should performed admirably until copy of the kid’s ten-page report. invent? A phone that stays con¬ summer weather arrived. The topic? “Save Our Trees.” nected to its base so it never Then it practically quit. - KEN CUMMINGS gets lost.” A diagnosis of the trouble - MIRIAM SCOW revealed that the machine was extremely sensitive to am five feet, three inches tall I changes in temperature, rying to explain to our five- and pleasingly plump. After T so the only thing to do was I had a minor accident, my year-old daughter how much to move it into an air-condi¬ mother accompanied me to the computers had changed, my hus¬ tioned room. emergency room. band pointed to our brand-new Now, as we office drones The triage nurse asked for personal computer and told her perspire and droop, we are my height and weight, and I that when he was in college, a treated to the vision of the computer operating coolly blurted out, “Five-foot-eight and computer with the same amount and efficiently beyond the of power would have been the 125 pounds.” glass wall of its private office. While the nurse pondered this size of a house. What was that again about information, my mother leaned Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, men being smarter than over to me.