The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW Le Monde de Merde JOURNALISM AND THE LUST Vol. 20, No. 1 February 19, 2011 Priceless FOR GREEN Krewe du Vieux “25 Years Wasted”

(Don) Marshall Law Declared Krewe du Vieux GOOFYPOSITIONINGSYSTEM NEW OILEANS – How could a year Rabid Tea Partiers demanded that gov- that started off so well end up being so ernment get out of their lives, then drove trashed? But what a start it was! home from their rallies in cars built with Royal Street The devil and his insurance company government subsidies, using fuel pro- Royal Street minions had to sharpen up their ice skates duced with government subsidies, on as the Saints won the Super Bowl. New roads paved by government, to pick up Orleanians proved you can celebrate a their government checks delivered by Chartres Street world championship without smashing government employees. The irony ap- Frenchmen Street stores or burning cars; in the French parently escaped them. Street Toulouse Decatur Street Quarter after the game, little old uptown The economy staggered like a French Franklin Avenue ladies in fur coats unreservedly hugged Quarter tourist, causing President homeboys with their caps on backwards Yomama to raise a concerned eyebrow. Parade Route of the Krewe du Vieux, Saturday, February 19, 2011 at 6:30 PM and their pants halfway down to their Health care reform finally passed after knees, and at midnight, there was a traf- sixty years, making Republicans sick. media frenzy of the 25-hour news cycle plated, mis-stated, mislaid, waylaid, over- fic jam heading INTO downtown. Bless The upshot of all this was the November and the corporations willing to sell the laid and overplayed interpretations of the you boys! elections, which produced a new world for thirty pieces of silver, Krewe theme. Subkrewes include the Krewe of Everyone was still basking in a black and Speaker of the House: some dude named du Vieux decided to focus on the silver C.R.U.D.E., Krewe of Space Age Love, gold glow when election season opened, John Boner, who is apparently a real stiff. lining in all this and celebrate 25 Years Krewe of Underwear, Seeds of Decline, and sure enough, the city was hit with a Despite these and other distractions, Wasted. The silver belles and silver- Krewe of Mama Roux, Krewe of major Moonson and the City Council the American public put its laser-like fo- tongued devils of the Krewe will follow L.E.W.D., Krewe of Drips and Dis- descended into kaos. Most voters thought cus on the really important issue: new the silver brick road to various way sta- charges, Krewe of K.A.O.S., Knights this was an excellent turn of events. airport scanners that display a revealing tions in the French Quarter and Faubourg of Mondu, T.O.K.I.N., Krewe Rue Then things got oily. image of the human body. At Louis Marigny on Saturday, February 19 at Bourbon, Krewe de C.R.A.P.S., Krewe Since it happened right before the an- Armstrong Airport, TSA staffers (aka the 6:30 PM. Parade-goers are advised to of PAN, Mystic Krewe of Spermes, nual Spaz and Heretics Festival, most Good Hands People) minimized com- hide the silver while marchers attempt Mystic Krewe of Comatose, Mystic locals didn’t really grasp the immediate plaints by tossing Mardi Gras beads to to hide the pickle. Krewe of Inane, and Krewe du Mishigas. implications of the BP (Big Pricks) oil passengers after they were scanned. Marshalling this year’s parade will be Also marching will be many of the city’s spill. BP (Buggered Poltroons) execu- Reports that the idea for the scanners King Don Marshall (not Marshall Don top brass bands. Showcasing the local tives initially claimed “It’s just a flesh came out of Michelle Yomama’s attempts King, you can tell by the hair), who brass band talent is one of few Krewe wound,” grotesquely underplaying the to get Americans to lose weight could has wasted away a few hours in du Vieux traditions that the new Repub- environmental horrors. not be confirmed at press time. Margaritaville with Bloody Mary, Mary lican majority is not trying to repeal. CEO Tony Hayride, whose suffering Back on the local scene, former Tech- Juana and other “friends”. Co-founder The Krewe du Vieux is a non-profit moved the entire world (excepting a few nology Guru Greg Meffert pleaded guilty of both the Krewe of Clones and the organization dedicated to the historical oiled pelicans, turtles and dolphins), was un- to corruption and operating an oversized Krewe du Vieux – and still atoning for and traditional concept of a Mardi Gras able to contain himself or much of anything ego without a license. Stormy Daniels both – King Don (not King Cong, you parade as a venue for individual creative else. Top kills, junk shots and relief wells was unable to unseat Sen. David Vitter, can tell by the hair) is a behind-the-scenes expression and satirical comment. It is entered the local lingo as BP (Bastard though what else she may have done to silverback of New Orleans culture, hav- unique among all Mardi Gras parades Petroleum) searched for a Corexit strategy. him remains locked in an FBI file. The ing played key roles at different times because it alone carries on the old Car- It felt like winning the Super Bowl all City Council downgraded marijuana pos- with the CAC, Le Petit Theatre, Jazz nival traditions, by using decorated, hand over again when the Macondo well was session and prostitution to municipal of- Fest and more. He will no doubt exit the or mule-drawn floats with satirical finally capped. Only this time there was fenses, so trading joints for sex will no float a few brain cells lighter as he helps themes, accompanied by costumed rev- no black and gold, just black: black longer land you in jail. And the whole city the Krewe waste another year. elers dancing to the sounds of jazzy street marshes, black beaches, black wildlife. fell into a topical depression when Nash The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen musicians. We believe in exposing the Things were crazy around the rest of Roberts passed away. subkrewes will each present their own world to the true nature of Mardi Gras – the country too. Despite the two-bit politicians, the trashed, toasted, panty-wasted, silver and in exposing ourselves to the world. – 1 – Don Marshall: The Clown Prince of Culture Her majesty also marched in the first- ever Krewe du Vieux parade back in Some people would be satisfied to help nor did it deter King Don. Now direc- bedrooms) of the wealthy to shake down 1987, placing her in an elite group of found one of the wackiest Carnival tor of Le Petit Theatre, he had been a little change for art’s sake. people who can truly claim 25 Years parades of all time. Some people would looking for ways to draw more people “You have to be able to play in the Wasted. be content to help save one New Or- into the French Quarter. Our schem- corporate world, because that’s where Turning slightly serious for a moment, leans cultural institution. Some people ing Sultan also realized that if the pa- the money is,” explains the Emperor, our mellow monarch mused, “My wish would be happy to help launch one great rade was the Saturday before Carni- “but you gotta live for the creativity – for my subjects is that we all give thanks new festival. val officially began, he could a) avoid it’s what makes this city special. I’m for this Garden of Eden we call New Some people would not be Don having to get a parade permit and b) fortunate to be able to bring those two Orleans, where our lush land provides Marshall, King of Krewe du Vieux 2011, march in the Vieux Carré. worlds together in a way that helps fund beauty and nourishment, our food brings blessed with a creative streak as long “I contacted leaders of a few of the our culture.” spice to our lives, our exotic art and ar- as his attention span is short. subkrewes, like Susan Smola and King Don believes that Jazz Fest had chitecture create a living environment King Don first assured his place in Spoons Johnson,” recalls King Don, to be saved. “No other nonprofit in the that elevates our spirit, our traditions New Orleans infamy as a co-founder “and everyone jumped right on board. United States produces such a festival, celebrate life, and our music gives us of the legendary Krewe of Clones. The parade night that year was and also generates such revenue to re- soul.” Conceived (some might say ill-con- Valentine’s Day, so we went with `Odd invest back into the community.” Now it’s off for a night of drinking, ceived) initially as a fundraiser for the Couples’ as a theme. Charmaine Neville The visionary Viscount saw an op- feasting and parading. There will be 25 Contemporary Arts Center, for which was the Queen, and we had a papier portunity to increase the Jazz Fest beers tasted; roasted corn to the tune of our managerial maharajah was the Ex- maché head of Sheriff Harry Lee as the Foundation’s revenue by adding more 25 ears basted; and for those who overdo ecutive Director, in its first year Clones King.” small festivals to the calendar; this led it and fall by the wayside, 25 rears pasted. existed only as a Mardi Gras ball. Clones The parade lined up on Wilkinson to now-popular events such as the Let the silverbration begin! began walking the streets the next year, Row, one block being long enough for Crescent City Blues & Barbecue Fes- 1978, complete with a royal toast at the the whole parade. King Don marshaled tival, Louisiana Cajun Zydeco Festival late (very, very late) lamented Humming- the entire Le Petit cast to help swell the and Treme Creole Gumbo Festival. Corrections and bird Grill. By 1979, the subkrewe con- ranks of marchers (and some of the “These all create more gigs for mu- Clarifications cept was born, and Clones was a sa- marchers were pretty rank and swol- sicians, more positive impact on the A previous edition of MdM referred to tirical, scandalous sensation. len), and the parade stumbled around community, and more revenues for the Greg Meffert as a “boy wonder”. The Sadly, tensions within the CAC be- the Quarter for a while before ending Foundation,” says King Don. “The great description should have read “boy gan to build regarding the future of the up more or less across the street at the thing about New Orleans is, if you plant blunder”. parade. Some of the Center’s leader- riverboat Natchez. the seed, it grows. You just need a simple In the story about the new 10th Ward ship wanted to go really uptown with Thus Krewe du Vieux was born, and premise and some cooperation between of Hell, the title sponsor was listed as it, milking its fundraising potential to the to this day, its often circuitous routes are like-minded people.” Allstate. In fact, the sponsorship of the max. The subkrewes wanted no part homage to the incapacity of its first Our merry monarch brings this same 10th Ward of Hell is split between of that, preferring the bawdy satire that Marshall to walk in a straight line. philosophy to his reign as King of Krewe Allstate and BP (Bootlicking Pirates) harkened back to the early days of After the second year, our ADD Duke du Vieux. “My chief objective is to stimu- Oil Company. Carnival as the outlet for Everyman to left KdV to its own vices and devices. late the local economy through bar sales, In last year’s issue we referred to let loose at the elite – most of whom And after putting a wobbly Le Petit back municipal marijuana fines and of course Mayor Ray Nagin. We promise that lived uptown. on its feet (at least for a while), King more musical gigs. And I wouldn’t mind mistake will never happen again. The whole power struggle came to a Don worked with several other local a little stimulation myself!” head (and it wasn’t good head) in 1986, cultural leaders to create the Tennes- This is not his first go-around as Car- Dr. John was cited as running for when the parade night fell on the eve see Williams Festival and the New nival royalty: exactly fifty years ago, he mayor on a campaign platform that of a Super Bowl in New Orleans. Be- Orleans Film Festival before finding reigned as King of the Children’s Car- included a pledge to move City Hall to Charity Hospital. It should have been tween the internal feuding and the pref- himself interviewing with the Jazz Fest nival Ball, where Dr. John, last year’s the other way around. erence of the city fathers not to display folks as they dealt with their pre-Katrina KdV King, had previously been a page. the raunchier side of the city to the world financial meltdown. “We were both scarred for life by the The article about the discovery of (remember, this was long before “Girls What gives the King his dizzying turn- experience,” adds King Don, “though phoenixes in New Orleans suggested Gone Wild”), Clones simply imploded. around abilities? Essentially, he is a I’m not sure which one of us more that the birds might live to be 1000 This did not deter several of the master of disguise, skilled at the art of deeply.” years old. Sadly, the entire flock was fouled by oil from the BP (Blowhard subkrewes, which staged various dem- going undercover into the living rooms The King will be accompanied on his Pigs) spill and perished. onstrations and displays on their own; and boardrooms (we won’t discuss royal ride by his Consort, Lolet Boutte.

– 2 – C.R.U.D.E. Lubes New Oilins work, which reportedly involved the use Secondguesser seemed nonplussed ABOARD THE USS BEN DOVER The effects of the oil on sea life are of a bubble bath-like solution. when it was pointed out to him that the – Dr. Jane Lube-chenko, Chief of the still being studied. Of particular inter- Dr. Zizou confirmed that several other oil patch that had been the scene of Dept. of No Organization At All est to male researchers at the Krewe mutated species had been observed, numerous press conferences had in fact (NOAA), today reversed several prior of C.R.U.D.E.’s Institute of Marine including Petroleum Jellyfish, Blackened leaked out of a 1989 Ford F-150 that reversals and confirmed that oil from the Mammography is the recent appearance Amberjack, CRUDE Tuna, Sardines in had been parked there days before. Deepwater Horizon incident had in fact of oiled mermaids in the northern Gulf oil, 40-Weight Sharks, Lubicated La- Actor Kevin Costco quickly volun- been spotted, along with several other of Mexico. dyfish, and Hydrocarbonated Tube teered to clean up the spill and flew over unidentified toxic substances, on the “These animals are extremely endan- Worms. He noted that many of these the site in a specially modified C-130 bottoms of tourists’ shoes in the French gered. There are very few left, and this creatures will likely be observed dur- Hercules dropping several tons of kitty Quarter. Dr. Lube-chenko said “Ear- year we’ve had twice as many expose ing their annual nocturnal migration on litter on it, burying Mr. Secondguesser lier attempts at identifying the source of themselves as in previous years,” said February 19, 2011. in the process. the oil had been frustrated when tour- IMM Executive Director Dr. Steve Following the announcement, Meanwhile, Gov. Bobby “Bombay” ists refused to answer researchers’ ques- Zizou. “We believe they are ranging Plaquemines Parish President Billy Gindoll was attending a Republican fund tions about ‘Where’d dey get dem beyond their normal habitat in south Secondguesser rushed to hold a press raising dinner hosted by the Strap-on shoes?” Florida in search of their natural source conference next to an oil stain found on Tool Company of Sheboygan,Wisconsin, Former BP CEO Tony Haywired, of sustenance, the Slippery Dick.”* the street near his house. “I told all those and could not be reached for comment. reached aboard his yacht Junqueshot, The IMM experienced an outpour- pointy-headed scientists we shudda built Mr. Gindoll was being honored as “Tool acknowledged “There might be a wee ing of volunteers eager to aid in the dat berm,” Secondguesser said. “We of the Year”, further aiding his quest to bit of oil,” then, employing Ninja skills delicate job of cleaning these creatures. shudda built a berm around LSU first, lube New Oilins and indeed all of learned at the oil giant’s Tokyo office, However, due to the sensitive nature of though, to keep all those scientists from Loweasyiana. threw down a smoke bomb and dis- the task, only C.R.U.D.E.’s trained confusin’ people with facts. It’s the damn *Yes, that’s the actual name of a fish. Get appeared. professionals were allowed to do the Corps’ fault.” your head out of the gutter.

T.O.K.I.N. Tea Party

BLUNDERLAND – Totally Orgasmic stray costumer – this is New Orleans, back, apparently to some time before Washington Monument into a giant bong. Krewe of Intergalactic Ne’er-do-wells after all – but I had a déjà vu feeling, it was actually a country. Said Alice, “It’s the stupidest tea party (T.O.K.I.N.) member and chief mush- like I had seen him before,” said Alice. One of the participants, who identi- I ever was at in all my life!” room tender, Alice B. Tokmor, recently When she turned to ask him what he fied himself as Harry “Hare-Brained” Escaping from the fanatical hoard, found herself in a strange, yet oddly wanted, he beckoned her to follow him. March, explained that the event was a Alice made her way back to the familiar, situation. Before she realized what was happen- rally to “restore horror to America” T.O.K.I.N. HEADquarters. After hear- Readers may recall Alice’s name from ing, she was pursuing him into a pot- organized by noted distortionist, Glenn ing her strange tale, the Ne’er-do-wells a famous incident many years ago, when hole where she found herself falling to- Dreck. As Alice watched, the crowd was called an emergency meeting in a smoke- a young girl went missing, having fallen ward the center of the earth. regaled by the Jindalwock, hanging on filled rabbit hole. According to down a hole while chasing a rabbit. Af- When Alice reached the bottom, she his every fast-talking, nonsensical utter- spokesHEAD, Lewis Carroll (a pseud- terwards, she described a sort of “won- saw the rabbit vanish around a corner. ance. The crowd went wild when the onym), the krewe adopted their own derland” where she encountered strange Attempting to follow, she noticed signs featured speaker, Faux News commen- Tea Party agenda. The Ne’er-do-wells creatures engaged in absurd activities advertising a “Tea Party” gathering. tator Sarah Appallin, the Queen of invite the public to join them for a High and daft doubletalk. According to Being fond of both tea and parties, she Heartless, took the stage. She incited Tea Party on February 19 where they T.O.K.I.N. sources, Alice’s recent followed the signs until she came upon the crowd with a fiery denunciation of will spread their message of hilari-tea, adventure bore some striking similari- a diverse group of middle-aged white the militant liberal environmentalist con- absurdi-tea, inani-tea, diversi-tea, ties to her childhood experience. people carrying signs with strange and spiracy to require every American man, eccentrici-tea, levi-tea and lubrici-tea, On her way to the krewe’s secret somewhat suggestive messages: “Down woman, child and housepet to gay- torridi-tea and tumidi-tea, profani-tea HEADquarters, she spied what ap- with Sodomy! Up with Teabagging!,” marry an illegal immigrant in a mosque and perversi-tea, sexuali-tea and peared to be a white rabbit in a waist- “Get your hand out of my pocket! I can at Ground Zero, to use stem cell research sensuali-tea at the Krewe du Vieux coat lurking in the shadows. “Naturally, stimulate myself!,” “Repeel Congress!” to create a race of Obama-loving alien- parade. my first thought was that he was just a They were demanding to take America human hybrids, and to convert the

– 3 – DripiLeaks: “Must Be Something in Da Water” to support DripiLeaks, whose web site has recently lost many of its backers as CYBERIA – DripiLeaks, a New At the D&D headquarters in an aban- for who they really are!” a result of the controversy. The web- Orleans based web site that publishes doned drainage canal, the President, Dripping wet with excitement, the hosting service EasySleazeDNS and the submissions and emissions of private Sexretary, Head-Embezzler, and six Sexretary said “We gonna find some- e-commerce site BribePal both with- and classified effluvia from anonymous veteran members were hard at work, thing in these pages that’ll expose them drew their support, stating that according sources, has flushed out sensitive infor- leaning against a wall while supervising for the lazy, greedy, lowlifes they are. to Louisiana custom, they should be mation related to the New Orleans their newest member, Sister Sludge, as Nickel-and-diming us by not putting entitled to at least 10% of the dirty money Sewerage and Water Board. Julian she poured over thousands of pages of enough alcohol in there to make us feel exposed by the DripiLeaks documents. AssAngel, the callipygian president of leaked documents. good...uh, I mean to kill them bacteria Julian AssAngel has received threats DripiLeaks, disclosed that the informa- Asked to comment, President Eileen off!” stating that if he does not remove the tion is related to standard business Over expressed her frustration. “What’s After dredging through the miasma of incriminating documents from the practices at S&WB. The documents re- wrong with them people? Even with all routine S&WB documents – unan- website, the S&WB will use its emer- veal standard procedures for activities the ‘donations’ we give them, they can’t swered letters requesting investigation gency response communication chan- such as soliciting donations for supposed run this Water Board thing right?” The of overcharges, chronic street-flooding, nel, NOLAready, to distribute the num- charities, promoting fecal-coliform Head-Embezzler added, “We’ve done and levee leaks along the 17th Street ber of his Swiss bank account. bacterial growth by use of pressure- everything we can. We’ve given the Canal, records of the results of sham AssAngel commented, “I must act to drops in the water supply, and delayed- inspectors the ‘lunch money’ they de- investigations, letters directing vendors change my account sometime before response emergency procedures. The manded, we made million-dollar ‘do- to where to send their “donations,” and 2014.” S&WB could not be reached for nations’ to their churches, and we even Rubenstein’s receipts from former di- Eileen Over added, “Concerned citi- comment. returned the meter covers we stole last rector Reverend Benjamin ‘Pass the zens who want all the poop should come A local activist watchdog group, the year. Yet they still insist that our water Buck To Me’ Edwards – Sister Sludge to the Krewe du Vieux parade on Feb- notorious Krewe of Drips & Discharges, supply is good enough for local con- reported, “I can’t find nothin’. They’re ruary 19 where DripiLeaks information launched their own investigation in an sumption. This is an outrage! This wa- doing the job exactly according to their will flow like a broken water main and effort to revenge their members’ many ter ain’t fit for thinning out Old Buzzard standards.” the Drips and Discharges will release personal grudges against the S&WB. rye. These documents will expose them The Drips & Discharges have agreed their ‘full load.’” TSA: The Good Hands for Your T&A AEROPUERTO BARRIO VIEJO similarly unfavorable reviews of the A look behind the scenes at the Trans- topped the steamy anecdotes with the (KDV) – As the sun rises across the Service. parent Scanning Arsenal room revealed following totally salacious account: “One runways of the Airport, the trusty TSA Tammy Selene Acup had a blistering a group of TSA agents who seemed to passenger, no underwear, loose pants, agents are preparing for the crush of assessment of the TSA: “It’s sort of just enjoy their jobs, some of them a little Viagra, multiple trips through the security harried passengers. Keeping the air- Trained Sexual Assault. If any one of too much; a couple of work stations had line. We eventually sent an agent to give planes safe and working the concourse them had any game at all, where I might, a distinct tangy sex-goo aroma. him a ‘happy ending’ just so he would serving Rue Bourbon Airlines, they you know, enjoy it, I might be stimu- “We see it all here! Tits sagging aw- get on the plane and not bother us any understand that their job is critical even lated. But these guys are just not any fully, transvestite Swedish accountants, more.” if their methods are controversial. good.” guys with a taped sock (argyle) where So for at least one frequent flyer TSA “You deploy one Topless Search Frequent Flyer Tommy Scott Adams, their obviously inadequate manhood stands for Totally Satisfied Airline pas- Assistant who pops his top, so to speak, overhearing this, vigorously disagreed. should be” said obviously excited TSA senger. in the face of a set of tasty and sexy “The TSA agents are doing everything agent Tyler Simon Archibald. assets and all of a sudden the flying public right. The Testicle Squeezing Attachment When asked about the weirdest thing just starts to view you as a bunch of provides just the right amount of they’ve ever had to deal with at the air- perverts,” said TSA site director, Troy pressure and they aren’t afraid to do a port, the debate swirled around hidden Sean Armstrong. thorough search around my totally contraband, totally stacked airline stew- The flying public waiting in the “Grope sweaty asshole. They are truly serving ardesses and other treasures stealthily or Peek” line at Concourse 36D had air passengers!!” Tommy squealed. arranged, but Director Armstrong finally www.kreweduvieux.org(y)

– 4 – Spermes Spills Secrets of David Semen’s Sloppy Second Season and whining about the decline of civili- XTREME – After getting too close “The writing team screwed up,” he home to the pole. The new format will zation will be left to other characters. during the filming of a Mardi Gras epi- continued. “I was on one of my very keep former husband Antoine “Rusty Wife “Toni” Spermette (Melissa Leo) sode from season one of David Semen’s important C-SPAN speaking engage- Trombone” Bateste (Wendel “Prince will give up on pro boner work for in- Treme, Krewe of Spermes orifficials ments talking about the decline of news- Albert” Pierce) sniffing around for more digent musicians and Dildo Davis. She’ll with carnal knowledge of the situation papers and I texted them ‘Topless bar.’ late-night booty calls. The philandering turn to ambulance chasing to pay for her leaked details about the second season, Then they came up with some stupid musician will be blowing more than his Uptown lifestyle and join an online cou- to be called Tremeja Vu. It will be a shit about a busted roof. That’s what horn in season two, Semens promised. gar dating service. raunchier affair running at later hours on you get when you don’t pay union writ- Bateste will do his part to bring up an- Janette “Tastes Like Chicken of the cable affiliate HBLO. ers.” other generation of jazz musicians. He Sea” Desaute (Kim Dickins) returns to “It’s not going to be a big New Or- With her dentist husband drilling away may also teach them music. New Orleans and uses a FEMA loan leans music video like last year,” the in Baton Rouge, LaDonkadonk Bateste- Without Sonny (Michiel Huisman), to invest in a Long Dong Silver’s fran- sources said. “It’s gonna be all trannies, Williams (Khandi “Mohotmama Annie (Lucia Micarelli) will spend more chise, which takes off when she con- crack, cops, and tits and ass. Basically Khandi” Alexander) will only have to time tuning her own instrument and cocts her own seasoning blend and like The Wire, but with tits and ass.” worry about filling her own cavities. She become an accomplished soloist. She’ll becomes famous for yelling “Bang” as Talking on condition of immediate spent much of the first season search- let tourists watch for $10, $15 for she throws it on food. She’ll also bottle tabloid release and sexual favors from ing for a stiffy, but eventually even rigor couples, $175 with champagne. it as a pepper spray to repel the likes the reporter, they shared emails from mortis wears off. This season, she’s New Orleans will again become the of Dildo Davis. exchanges with Semens. looking for hot action from South of the city that care forgot with Creighton Some characters will remain the same. “LaDonkadonk is gonna turn the bar Border from any Latino laborer who can Spermette (John “The Third Blues “Dildo Davis, well, he’s not chang- into a strip club,” Semens wrote. “Ac- trim a hedge and plug a hole. Brother” Goodman) still dead. He’ll be ing,” Semens said. “He’ll be the same tually, that’s what it was supposed to At the strip club, she’ll help New as entertaining as he was last year, just old Dildo. But this year, he’s the one be last year. Orleans’ dispersed strippers come back not on screen at all. Neglecting his family going in the river.” Underwear Produces “Tales From the Silver Sheen” BAREYOURDERRIER BAY – The Anyway, you’re gonna see some wild New Orleans restaurants, towing the is that the film will be directed by Hol- Oscar world is already buzzing as word wildlife in this one!” entire mutant cast in its wake. lywood legend Stephen Spillberg, with leaks out like oil about the Krewe of While many details of the film remain Among the human actors supposedly funding being raised by executive pro- Underwear’s latest epic film, “Tales as murky as the post-spill Gulf waters, lined up to star in “Silver Sheen” are Bo ducer Bobby Jindoil. Also, in a tech- From the Silver Sheen”. word is that some of the Macondo mu- Derrick as Senator Mary Landloss, nological innovation that leaves 3-D in A classic “creature-feature” horror tants will include brown petrolicans, KY Bruce Spillis as Admiral Toad Allen, and its wake, a special WD-40 version of pic, “Tales” begins not long after the fail- Jellyfish, black oildrum, spattered trout, Hugh Jacksoff as Tony Haywimp. the flick will be shown in select theaters ure of the blowjob preventer at the BP soft Shell crabs, diesel-nosed dolphins, Given the topical nature of the plot, and gas stations. (Bootlicking Pinheads) Deepwater crudefish, and oylsters. One particularly production of “Tales From the Silver While no release date has been set Horizon well. As the toxic mixture of colorful specimen will be the purple and Sheen” has been on the fast track. “We for the film (or most members of Un- oil and dispersants courses through the gold Stephen Ridley’s sea turtle. really greased the skids to get this one derwear), a sneak preview will be seen water, overwhelmed animals of the Gulf However, the most fearsome crea- going,” said the Underwear spokes- by spectators at the Krewe du Vieux begin mutating into creatures scarier than ture in the film is rumored to be a giant, woman, briefly. “We wanted to make parade on February 19. There may not BP (Blubbering Pussy) CEO Tony engorged, oil-eating microbe, swollen sure this was a Speedee production, so be a red carpet, but there will definitely Haywimp himself. to twelve feet in diameter from eating we got it lubed in a Jiffy.” be red underwear. “We’re always known for our spe- all the spilled petroleum. Insiders report Underwear has rolled out some “Tales of the Silver Sheen” has been cial effects,” gushed a starry-eyed that in the movie’s climax, the microbe memorable horror shows in the past 25 rated PG (Petroleum Gushing) and may Underwearian. “At least, after enough – famished after polishing off all the oil years, like the infamous “Day at the not be suitable for wildlife, shrimpers, alcohol and other inspirational sub- in the Gulf – swims up the Mississippi Breach”, co-produced with the Corpse oystermen, or coastal residents. stances, they look pretty special to us. River in search of oil from the fryers of of Engineers. What’s different this time

– 5 – Advice Column Travel Section Ask Miss Managed Citizens Run Away from Dear Miss Managed: I am just starting my political career and realize I need a suitable way to accept and “bank” cash donations. Any suggestions? Perpetual Stench Louisiana Politician Dear Cash and Carry: Here in Louisiana, it’s creativity that counts. One popular NUEVA ORLEANS – Every year in sites across Spain and around the world, method is stuffing the cash in a frozen food container and placing it the freezer. Or the avid and adventurous run through streets ahead of bulls, seeking a momen- you can host poker games and be “lucky” enough to be the big winner. Then there’s tary thrill. Nowhere, though, is the art of running from bull more practiced – or just putting the cash in your pants pocket – though remember the larger the dona- necessary – than here in Pampy-lona on the bayou, where for decades resi- tion, the baggier your pants need to be, and when placing said cash into your pocket, dents have waded through the leavings of poopy politicians, beastly bureau- act like you are simply adjusting your belt. Nowadays, donors can be so rude and crats and cruddy capitalists. We visited this rodeo of rascality to see what it film these things without telling you. takes to stay ahead of the plundering herd. Of course, you could just have your supporters pay for your strippers, vacations “You’ve got to keep your eyes open,” said long-time local reporter Angus to Aruba, maids, lawn service and other necessities. That way, there’s no risk of Skinned. “Sometimes they’re coming at you from Baton Rouge, sometimes City seeing an unsightly pants bulge on film. Hall, and sometimes from across the pond. But you can be sure in this town that there’s always bull coming from someplace. If you don’t stay ahead, they’ll milk ******************************* you dry. Over the years, I’ve seen it all. We once had bull dressed up in ewe’s Dear Miss Managed: I’m relatively new to town, and was warmly welcomed clothing. He was a slick one, but he had a weakness for candy.” by my boss and the company I work for, which commends me every day for the “There’s a Brahma Bull that’s running the show in Baton Rouge right now,” large amount of money I make for them. But when I try to meet people outside of Skinned continued. “He isn’t hard to spot, if you can find him. Mostly he’s off in the company – I like to flash a light at them as they drive by – they never stop to somebody else’s pasture.” say hi. I’ve even had people throw things at me. What can I do to make new friends? Skinned continued to reminisce as we walked through the wrought-iron-laced Going Nowhere Fast streets of the city’s charming old section, where, with just a grain of imagination, Dear Flash in the Pan: I think I’ve met you. Two weeks ago, corner of Wash- you can summon images of yellow fever and military occupation. He talked about ington and St. Charles avenues? Or was it on Henry Clay Avenue where you were past leaders like Kathleen Bronco and her predecessor. “That one had a bad so tucked away I couldn’t slow down fast enough to say a proper hello? case of hoof-in-mouth disease,” said Skinned. “And those were just in Baton Don’t be so shy – I say go public! Get off that high perch and mingle. But don’t Rouge. Closer to home, the herd was pretty thick. Mayor Moorial steered the keep flashing at people – it’s startling and doesn’t give them the time to slow down city down some bad paths. And there was city tech cheat Greg Moofert who and get to know you. In fact, don’t even take photos for your scrapbook. It’s the was known for leaving the barn door open. Bill Heiferson brought feeding at personal touch that counts. Turn yourself off and watch the world go by, and it may the public trough to a whole new level. Of course, there were a few good ones, even slow down for you. Your bosses may not be happy, but you’ll get more friendly like Joseph Cow, but they always got taken to slaughter pretty quickly. Even Al waves rather than solitary fingers. Gore didn’t make it here.” Each year, the city celebrates this special heritage with a colorful festival, the ******************************* highlight of which is a special run called the Insincero. Dear Miss Managed: My son is, for lack of a better word, dumb. I am wealthy “It’s lovely,” gushed local artist Mignon Filet, who helps design the festival’s and connected, but no amount of money can get him into law school. What pro- trappings. “We set loose a bevy of sexy women in the role of the bulls. They’re fession should I steer him to? armed, so if they catch you, they’ll knock the bull crap right out of you. Every- A State Representative body walks, limps or crawls away feeling fresh.” Dear Confused Father: A lobbyist. Last year’s Brutish Petroleum spill pushed even more stinking black goo into the city, courtesy of CEO Tony Hay-ward, prompting a local group of ne’er- ******************************* do-wells, the Krewe of CRAPS, to stage a special Running of the Bull Crap in Dear Miss Managed: Can money spent on hookers qualify for an IRS order to clean the streets. deduction? DV “We know something about evacuation here. When all this starts to back up, it’s time to loosen everything up and get some movement going,” said “T-bone” Dear Senator Hypocrite: You are in luck! President Barack Obama signed a Toni, the CRAPS’ well-done but juicy captain. “When we’re done everything new tax bill that extended President George W. Bush’s tax cuts, and added more will be A-1.” deductions! New this year are tax breaks for people who buy race horses and The krewe is set to purge the city on the night of February 19. They will mus- grants for putting up windmills. No doubt the members of Congress realized the ter at the Plaza del Torres to wend, whoop and wallop their way through the need for all sorts of stress relief, especially for themselves, so I’m sure there’s a tax Marigny and French Quarter in the Krewe du Vieux parade. break specifically geared towards your particular deduction.

– 6 – with their Gucci and Coach handbags. rushed to Mt. Sinai Wellness Institute Shootout at the Oy Vey Corral “I know where you got them purses – and Spa to be treated for their wounded GOMORRAH GULCH – On a recent Sheriff Yid, and the “HaveMores” sid- Marshalls and TJ Maxx,” Oaklevitz pride. “It will be a tough road for some Monday morning, crews of underpaid ing with Brisket. shouted defiantly between blows. Fi- of these victims,” explained Dr. Sigmund workers were still cleaning the main hall “I was hiding behind the life sized nally the fracas was broken up by Shlep- Fraud, Head of Ego Intensive Care. of Schmuley’s Bar Mitzvah Palace and cutout of Rahm Emanuel and saw the Along Cassidy. “They are looking at months of gruel- Bagel Barn following an altercation of whole thing,” explained Nice Jewish The Bar-Mitzvah boy, Sheldon “the ing retail therapy. I don’t envy their credit Biblical proportions the previous Sat- Doc Challahday. “It was like mass Sundance Kibbitzer” Silverman, was cards.” urday evening. “It must have been some dybbuk-possession. Insults were spin- found hiding under a pile of $18 checks, Inquiries to Schmuley’s were an- fight,” whined an exhausted Conchita ning around the room like out-of-con- Israel Bonds and Kiddush cups with swered by Geronimo Gupta at a call Consuela DeStereotype. “I’m never trol dreidels: schmendrik, schnorrer, Ashley Schwartz, Brittney Weiss, center in Bangalore, who said that ru- going to be able to get all the shmo, mamzer. Such language you Courtney Grossman, the Klein twins mors of the Palace’s closure due to the Manischewitz out of the upholstery.” wouldn’t want the kinder to hear!” (Brandi and Brooke), Madison Roth incident was a bunch of “sitting bull.” The scene was the Silverman Bar According to Doc Challahday, Wyatt and three of the Jacobs sisters. A dazed Sometime after the shootout, a herd Mitzvah, an overblown affair featuring Epstein was one of the first to get hit and smiling Silverman was later seen of stampeding lawyers left a two-block twelve types of smoked fish, eight va- with a comment about his wife’s fake wandering the dining hall covered in swath of destruction in their wake in their rieties of blintzes, three flavors cream fur. This was followed by a plague of Hello Kitty princess pink lip gloss. rush to file slander and defamation suits. cheese, and, of course, bagels galore. insults from Frank “Foreskin” Leslie “I don’t understand any of this. These “Forget about grazing with those am- Chopped liver sculptures and seltzer about “tacky pants suits” and “children people are off their rocking horses,” said bulance chasers,” advised Krewe du fountains set the atmosphere for the in public school” directed at a group of Goy Rogers, henpecked husband of Mishigas spiritual leader and chief ba- hora-ble showdown which started when fancy-schmancy yentas. More insults and famous cowgirl Dale Evanstein. “Then gel-decorator, Lon Rangerman. “Bet- local gonif Billy the Yid accused Buf- injuries went flying through the air as the again, at my family’s parties, we tip ter you should put on a mask and trot falo Brisket of schmearing his charac- guests swiftly ducked for cover. cows, not the help.” over to the Krewe du Vieux parade! ter. “The son of a blintz said that my six- “Those noses don’t even look real, Several Bar Mitzvah guests were Chai Ho Silverman, Oy Vey!” shooter was only three inches shlong. you shiksa-wannabees!” taunted Annie I don’t take that kind of kreplach from Oaklevitz.. “So, nu? Did your bargain- anyone” said the still-farmisht Yid. basement surgeon use schmaltz instead Mystic Inane Is The other guests swiftly chose sides of silicone on those cheek implants?” according to their real estate interests, She was immediately surrounded by a Absinthe-Minded the “Haves” aligning themselves with bunch of boisterous bubbes flogging her OLD ABSINTHE HOUSE – A new unenlightened will judge them for their cult of individuals searching for the higher lifestyle and brain cell deficiencies, the path of enlightenment through intoxication spokeslush added that the Krewe is also appears to be emerging in the Marigny on a quest for satire, laughter and an Marijuana, Prostitution Now Barely Illegal and French Quarter. Night after night, easily accessible bathroom. HOUSE OF THE SMOKING SON – “It’ll suck a lot more out of your bank these dedicated seekers are prostrat- “We bring smiles to a large audience,” Removing two pitfalls that have derailed account.” ing themselves in the bars, taverns, sa- said the Inane one. “They who judge the careers of several of their political “We have to recognize that we are a loons, and gutters of the old city. us should themselves be judged for their predecessors, the New Orleans City tourist trap town,” said Mayor Moonson According to members of this Mys- lack of lampoonery and social banter. Council has downgraded marijuana pos- Mitch with an inhale as he signed the tic Inane sect, many of the sicko-phants It does not matter if we eloquently session and prostitution to municipal legislation. “Cheap tricks and cheap end their nights in blighted slumber and emulate Linda Blair’s devilish perfor- offenses. However, the Council refused kicks are good for business.” tremulous dreams. However, due to the mance or forget to step high over the to lessen penalties for some other crimes, When reached for comment on his cell potion of choice for these sojourners mule dung, for our minds are filled with such as teabuggery, public botoxication phone, Sen. David Vitter replied, “Not – the potent, poisonous absinthe – the the holy spirits and our hearts warmed or driving while under the influence of now, man!” as high-pitched giggles re- dreams are but fleeting snatches, sel- with the green glow.” Rush Limbaugh. sounded in the background. dom recalled as the next day dawns. If they can keep their focus and re- Citations for these offenses can now Members of Krewe du Vieux were “The true Nature of the Beast is in- member until then, the absinthe-minded be paid much like a parking ticket. “If reported to be in ecstasy (and prob- ebriation at its finest,” explained an Inane Inane will again stumble the analise path you are thinking of smoking dope, selling ably acid, mushrooms and peyote as spokeslush. “With these spirits, it’s a to the summit of intoxicated enlighten- your body or parking on a parade route, well) over the news. “I didn’t know given that the mind takes a beating af- ment on Saturday, February 19 at 6:30 the last one is the one to avoid,” said a whether to spliff or roll over,” said one ter 25 years of wasted debauchery.” PM. Unless this is all just another snatch lingerie-clad, glassy-eyed Council aide. nude stewed Vieuxer. Acutely aware that some among the of dream ….

– 7 – Mondu Reports From The Year 2525 City Sinkage

ISLE DE NEW ORLEANS – Appar- Other examples of this legacy include In the same vein, cuisine preferences Not Caused by ently the Knights of Mondu will invent references to the Blanco Road Home in the future include “spicer”, Subsidence a time machine in about five hundred system, which apparently remains in- “prudhomme”, “legassy”, and A CRACKED HOUSE – A blue-rib- years, because a dispatch from this se- complete half a millennium into the fu- “popeyes”. bon Krewe du Vieux Investigative Panel cretive sect dated “2525” was recently ture; the legalization of prostitution in While the motives behind the today released the startling results of a received at the Monde de Merde of- government-licensed “House of Vitter” Mondulian missive are unclear – why lengthy study of subsidence in New fice and distillery. facilities; and the Jindal Intergalactic send it to this time and this place? – one Orleans. Despite the beliefs of most Interestingly, the text is written in a Travel and Fundraising Agency. clue may be a reference to the annual citizens, those built-in speedbumps in strange mixture of French and English, Other examples of the pervasive na- Krewe du Vieux parade. The dispatch the roads, crazily tilted sidewalks and or Franglish, suggesting that Louisiana’s ture of New Orleans culture in the fu- makes note of a “cataclysmic event” on lovely cracks in the houses are not bilingual culture may have become domi- ture are found in the areas of music and Saturday, February 19, 2011, and even caused by the swamp-like land on which nant on what is left of the planet. food. There is no mention of musical suggests that certain members of the those lunatic Frogs founded the city. That the planet contains a reduced land genres like jazz or R&B; instead the Knights of Mondu may travel back from Instead, the true cause of subsidence mass is clear from the beginning of the document discourses on “marsalis”, the future to participate. Those who was found to be the massive weight of document, which indicates that the city “neville”, “malone”, and “batiste” styles. gather in the Marigny and French Quar- the Mardi Gras throws stored in nearly of New Orleans exists on a large, re- Also noted in passing is the “prison” ter that night may just be lucky enough every home, office, shed, brothel, and mote island in the middle of the “Gulf style, which is thought to be the descen- to catch a glimpse of the year 2525. doghouse in New Orleans. Due to the de Mexiqueaux”. Drawing from vari- dent of today’s rap music. compulsive hoarding of beads, cups, ous references in the piece, it seems that giant toothbrushes, and those plastic while the oceans rose, plucky New Mayor Announces tubes that no one is sure what to do with, Orleanians built up their elevation by the entire city may be in imminent dan- piling Mardi Gras beads everywhere as Department of Wasted Management ger of sinking completely into the mire. a form of glittering landfill. PERISOSO STREET – Emerging from lease touting Roux’s credentials as a “If we don’t stop filling every avail- On a related note, it appears that a smoke-filled room after a meeting of skilled gold brick, dumpster diver, epic able space with beads, we’re definitely toplessness is standard in the island city. his Joint Task Force, New Orleans stoner, and 10th-year sophomore at going down,” said Krewe Engineer, Fifi Whether this is due to global warming Mayor Mitch Moonpie today an- UNO. “She also has experience with LaTour, in what was assumed to be a or the omnipresent beads is unclear. nounced the formation of a new city STD, which has done so much for the reference to the threat of further sink- Similarly, New Orleans Islanders have department to add to the debris of City French Quarter,” said the Mayor. age. “I personally pledge to never show built and maintained an impenetrable Hall. “She’s managed to waste more time my tits on Bourbon Street again.” levee system by recycling Carnival floats The new agency, known as the De- than anyone I know, and she’s always Backing up its ongoing commitment from each year’s parade. Corps of partment of Wasted Management, will wasted. I feel confident she will waste to making New Orleans a better place, Engineers leader Gen. Blaine Kern be headed up by the Mayor’s third cousin the public’s time in an equally disorga- the Krewe du Vieux immediately pro- XXVI is quoted as saying, “If you mush and well-known local party girl, Mama nized fashion.” claimed that it would not throw beads enough papier maché and two-by-fours Roux. Located somewhere in the bowels of during its 2011 parade, scheduled for together, you can keep hurricanes, tidal When awakened at noon by an inquir- City Hall, the Department of Wasted February 19 at 6:30 PM. Krewe waves and those pesky floating glaciers Le Monde de Merde ing scribe, Roux Management will boast a fully-staffed spokesman Guy Goofius announced from hammering the city.” was hazy on the details of her new du- office of 50 city employees, none of that instead, the satirical spoofers will On another related note, the official ties as Director of Wasted Management. whom will answer the telephone or have hand out wooden quarters inscribed “25 bird of the island appears to be some “Jesus. What time is it?” asked the any useful information.. “It’s an unlisted Years Wasted” to commemorate its sort of pelican-penguin hybrid. former Saintsation and jello shot girl at phone number anyway,” said the quarter-century of debauchery. Also fascinating to observe is the domi- Razoo’s. Mayor’s spokesperson, Siddown B. nance of Louisiana political heritage. At When pressed, Roux stated that the Quiet. “And don’t even think about e- various points, the 2525 dispatch re- Department of Wasted Management mail – it will all go straight to the trash fers to Mayor Landrieu XXII, U.S. “has something to do with garbage, sew- can file.” President Landrieu XIV, World Presi- erage and shit like that. I don’t know, When asked if the Department of dent Landrieu IX, Martian President it’s a job, and I had to quit dancing be- Wasted Management will implement a Landrieu III, and Universal Bank Presi- cause of my back.” recycling program for the city, Roux re- dent Landrieu. The mayor’s office issued a press re- plied, “Ha! Screw recycling. Just toss it.” www.kreweduvieux.org(y)

– 8 – Puzzle Page WORD SEARCH Can you find the names of the 17 Krewe du Vieux sub-krewes?

The Seeds of Decline celebrate 25 years of the Seven T US X P CA M E B S N Q SU MM Q SU Deadly Sins: D S P H U C U L NN A O J E G O I E F J A = Lust X Z A Q Z OPP X P G C M S N U G F C I B = Gluttony P W CC Q H RI H U I S R D L R Z U P I C = Greed Z A E I C Z I A X D H Z UU A I D H J V D = Sloth R AA N I K O T M SSU Q H D R S N S Y E = Wrath SU G D E Y X GZ A I G C T W E P TV U F = Envy K O E T A Y M P B K M S VV E W U D K S G = Pride Imagine that this heptagon is a map of the Seeds of Decline path through life in P B L D Z E Z SU RI Y C K L Y C X F B New Orleans. Start at A (Lust) and travel to the logical end, F (Envy). Your as- I H OP U L S EE D S O F D E C L I N E signment is to describe in three words or less the end result of each twisted trip N Q V A P B S O D L Z E U B Y JJ G S Z A T E H A E O N A U AA T L S D Y E S B N W S J M L A U N K X G I E C V K R Q E E O V R P S M D R J U V M K O D C G E V T O E S P G E N E B E Z D A U W L R P M X PP I B R W T I F O M E S O T A M O C S W R GW X L I FF W N Y U K S G M U R P D I E ZG N S O M K PQ K J P B D M T O AA ZG I BB P SSS W I U X I G Q X E R C R A P S OO Y T A R C U I S O BB

Krewe du Vieux Trivia Quiz

What is the full name of Krewe du Vieux? Who was Sarcophagus I? a. Krewe du Vieux Carré a. Henri Schindler Seeds of Decline answers: b. Krewe du Vieux Lingerie b. Tutankhamun AB Edible Undies CD Ray Nagin c. Krewe du Vieux Bon Vivants c. Lestat AC Former Al Copeland CE British Petroleum How many sub-krewes are in the Krewe Which Royalty was once a burlesque AD Quickie CF Armstrong Park Renovations du Vieux? artist? AE The Former Mrs. Copelands CG Crime Cameras a. 17 a. GiO AF Krewe du Vieux DE Chief Riley (Larry) b. 69 b. Plaine Kern AG David Vitter DF Eddie Jordan (Curly) c. What’s a sub-krewe? c. Walt Handelsman BC Imported Seafood DG Veronica White (Mo’) BD The Road Home EF Garbage Contractors Which ball site was once a department BE Bourbon Street Drunks EG Mardi Gras Religious Crazies store? Bonus Question BF Texans and New Yorkers GF Bobby Jindal a. Krauss What sub-krewe joined Krewe du BG Tom Fitzmorris b. Wools-worth Vieux in response to a personals ad?” c. K&B The New New Orleans Seven Deadly Sins Answer: K.A.O.S., but they thought The Seeds of Decline have identified seven unique local sins. This changes the puzzle What is the name of the one-block street it was an ad for a tri-sexual, multi- species night of debauchery. They altogether. where the first Krewe du Vieux parade lined weren’t disappointed. 1. Stupidity – Huh? 5. Violence – B’Stupid and C’Murder up? 2. Lies – You Have To Ask ? 6. Local Bizzaros – Chris Owens a. Wilkinson Row 3. Corruption – What’s Not ? 7. I Can’t Fucking Believe It! b. Architect Street For more Krewe du Vieux trivia, visit 4. Ignorance – Doh ? c. Church Street www.kreweduvieux.org.

– 9 – Spreading the Love for 25 Years, LEWD shot anything that moved with their Silver celebrates KSAL Invades New Orleans Penises and many Nympho-moaniacs By I.M. Cumming were created in a cloud of lust. The only “Do Ass, Do Tail” NEAR URANUS – While the citizens foreplay as she started spraying her C.R.A.P.S. thrown in Algiers that night REAR GUARD – In response to the of the Crescent City slept with antici- Spermes-ide Love Cloud, covering the belonged to Blaine Kern. long-awaited repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t pation on the eve of the greatest and Crescent City with Feel Good Juice. Next the invaders slipped into the Tell (DADT),” the Krewe of LEWD most decadent event of Carnival, the Space Age Lovers shed their Under- Bywater still in search of the mythical issued the following statement from their Krewe du Vieux parade, shooting stars wear, spread their wings and invaded GiO Spot. They could feel they were Disco Palace Den: exploded in the New Orleans night. the neighborhoods shooting New cumming close. Space Age Lovers can “We are thrilled, not to mention Space Age Lovers of the planet Orleanians with penis arrows filled with smell a virgin anywhere in the universe aroused by the recent legislation. But, Nympho-moania had arrived and im- the Pan-acea of Love. and they knew from legend the elusive while it goes far to correct the injustices mediately began probing the Big Easy The infectious Cloud of Love engulfed GiO Spot could not be exposed to vir- and bad wardrobe choices of the past in search of the mythical GiO Spot. the Ninth Ward, magically transform- gins. Known as the curse of Mishigas, two decades, it doesn’t go all the way. The love god Cupid created the ing it from the Seeds of Decline to the the GiO Spot will drive a virgin crazy. LEWD proposes a replacement DADT Space Age Lovers by Dripping and Shangri-La of the South. Pit bulls were Informed by sensors on the cock-it policy: Do Ass, Do Tail. This prurient Discharging his Silver image to spread turned into toy poodles and gun-lugging ship Trojan, the Cupid Lovers entered paradigm will serve as a titillating touch- love to all worlds and all things. For 25 thugs into bible toting, bicycle riding the Treme and second lined down the stone, setting a salacious standard for years the Lovers had been spreading Mormons. streets chanting “we shall overcum” as the new military.” love, legs, lips and everything else all Prostitution and marijuana were le- they felt their way to the GiO Spot, which Reached for further comment, over the universe in search of the Holy galized in New Orleans East and it was kept in a crypt at the Charbonnet spokesman Lew D. Crus said, “It Grafenberg. became the richest area in Louisiana. Funeral Home. The Space Age Cupids seemed as though the military would Civilizations everywhere were ex- Joe Brown Park emerged as the new freed the GiO Spot and began sharing never embrace the rainbows in its ranks. plored as the Lovers left many worlds Center for T.O.K.I.N. Marijuana Re- her secret with all Lovers of the Big Easy. Then along comes President ‘Big O’ in a Comatose-like sexual stupor. Their search and Consumption. The Space Age Cupids gathered their Obama, making promises. He vacillated living cock-it ship Trojan traveled in and A fog came over the French Quar- invasion forces and marched through the when the Top Brasses circled the wag- out of the galaxies Labia Majoria and ter, basking residents with the Love French Quarter with the GiO Spot in ons and started jerking him around. Yet the Milky Way gathering rare aphro- Elixir’s intoxicating mist and metamor- hand to the Krewe du Vieux Doo. The even the Rear Admirals were unable to disiacs to prepare their infectious Juice phosing Bourbon Street back to years newly created Nympho-moaniacs were get him in the end. With a Senate hand of Love to be injected into the unsus- past of music clubs and burlesque amassed and eagerly waiting to expe- on this job, the Big O eventually blew pecting but L.E.W.D. residents of New shows. rience the sexual ecstasy of a Space Age his winds of change all over the Penta- Orleans. Trojan’s sensors had been Cries of get lit, get wasted, get laid Lover. gon. Now the closets of many a base, aroused as he found the Elixir of Love rang out in the night and total K.A.O.S. The Silver Cupids declared to the barracks, and boat are swinging wide ingredients on the faraway planets Cun- broke out as Mid-City residents pa- pubic that Feel Good Elixir would be open. It looks like we will get to see nilingus, Genitalia, Erotica, Fellatio, Vulva raded in the streets singing “We do it offered at no cost to all Krewe du Vieux what a flattering combination lavender and Areola. in aluminum foil.” The new Parkway members who show a propensity to and olive drab can make. After all, the New Orleans was ripe for the dicking Brothel and Casino was built in one day indulge in all manners of sex or extreme Spartans were the greatest military force and the cock-it ship Trojan rose to the by the Mama Roux Erection Group. nudity. in the ancient world, and you couldn’t occasion as he awakened Cupids’ aco- Uptown was flooded with Love Warning: Feel Good Elixir of Love find a straight person in that whole coun- lytes to begin converting New Orleans Juice, generating immediate and must be used often with maximum pen- try.” to the delectably indulgent lifestyle of Mondu-mental side effects. Infected etration and titillation of all sexual ori- He added, “Let’s face it, boys will do Nympho-moania. males mutated into Big Dicks with wings fices. Improper use will result in double boys, and girls will do girls. No silly The Silver Cupid Lovers excitement and no brains. All females exposed to vision, blurred vision or possible sexual policy is going to stop them. And who was contagious, they licked their lips and the Love Elixir grow extra large lips and dyslexia seeing everything ass back- doesn’t love a man or woman in – or any other lips close by in anticipation labia with an Inane insatiable appetite wards. out of – uniform.” The Krewe of of humping the C.R.U.D.E. occupants for brainless dicks. Ingredients: Oil of her lay, bull se- LEWD invites the public to the Krewe of the Big Easy. Certain the invasion was indeed men, milk of areola, elephant balls, du Vieux parade on February 19 where Trojan summoned the Mother Ship, Spreading the Love, the Silver Cupids psilocybin juice, grain alcohol, sweat of they will exhibit their excitement, incite or Mother Fucker as she was affection- descended upon Algiers with salacious Elvis, salted nuts and extract of Space their exhibitionism and encourage ev- ately known by the Lovers, to initiate fury and hornier than Chris Owens. They Age Love. eryone to “Do Ass, Do Tail.”

– 10 – Op-Ed: plan to bisect the nation with a sled race their adventure. like no other. Starting February 19th at Bobby will be sure to turn heads with The End of Times! 6:30 PM, the first annual “Idiot-a-rod” his jewel encrusted choke collar and By Comatose Queen of the Tea Party, was watching will commence in the French Quarter. Shaw Group “no-slip” booties as he Ours is a nation staggering under the him from her Alaskan home. The se- Look for a pirogue-shaped dogsled with pisses off to a quick start. Spectators will onslaught of “tea baggers”: rabid, cof- pia-toned Governor with a talent for Russian telemetry, Indian software, and undoubtedly stare at the mesmerizing fee-hating Conservatives who promise raising cash was exactly what she Gosh-darnit common-sense styling. hooters and State of Alaska muff cut on to save us by taking government out of needed. Bobby was cute and nutty After coursing through the treacherous the bewitching musher as she starts the Medicare, the security out of Social enough for her to select as Lead Dog Straits of Frenchmen Street, the first stop Rapture and the race – but they should Security, and Mud People out of the to her sled of political ambition. for the soon-to be-frozen chariot is the beware of golden showers as the Rhodes White House. Desperate to establish Americans, brace yourselves! “Palin- Governor’s mansion to steal what’s left Scholar lead dog winces under the crack- himself as a leader of this right of the Jindal” bumper stickers and tee shirts are of the Louisiana treasury. ing whip of the grizzly bitch. right group is Louisiana Governor being printed as you read this. Their han- Bobby will be the lead dog, in fact The Mystick Krewe of Comatose has “Bobby” Piyush Jindal. dlers have decided that nothing less than the only dog, that President-hopeful decided to launch the campaign and Perpetually ready and positively pant- a hurricane-force publicity blitz will suf- Palin will continuously whip as they hasten the End of Times by building the ing with anticipation, Governor Jindal fice if these two self-aggrandizing mav- strive to curry favor with America. Other rugged dog sled. Patriotically garbed has crisscrossed the country, campaign- ericks are to convince America to follow idiots are sure to join in as they mush fools and jesters from Comatose will ing to exorcise liberal demons and lead them into the land of tea and crumpets, the 3,150 miles to deliver jelly donuts, celebrate the End of Times as these two the nation to The Promised Land. Faster ice and chutney, moose and pelicans. Twinkies and super-sweet tea to starving hucksters hustle towards the Ketchikan than the bullet trains he refuses to build Buttressed by billions of campaign- Alaskans. Decrying Michelle Obama’s “Bridge to Nowhere.” Follow them and and dumber than the junk science he chest dollars, these two media whores programs to feed healthy food to our sip the blue Kool-Aid of delusion as a espouses, Bobby has quickly built a silty, children, Mama Grizzly will butter up shipment of truth serum tries to make sand-bermed reputation on the gulf be- Fuck Dat! junk food lobbyists for dough to finance its way to Fox news in Alaska. tween him and reality. COURT OF PUBIC OPINION – Now Christian doomsday prophets, According to I-Witless News, a copy- Letters to the Editor eschatologists who normally eschew right infringement lawsuit was filed by Dear Editors, Dudes, playing around with the exact date of the estate of George Carlin to restrict I am writing to protest the use of the I am confused about the theme for Armageddon’s genesis, agree that an the commercial use of the word “fuck.” title “25 Years Wasted” for the this year’s parade. My understanding Indian’s Vice-Presidential candidacy According to a family spokes-curser, Krewe du Vieux parade. That is the is that Krewe du Vieux first paraded surely signals The End of Times. “When we heard about the ‘Who Dat’ working title of the autobiography I in 1987, which is only 24 years ago. Let’s hearken back to when the Great lawsuit, we thought of all those French plan to publish this year on the It appears I am missing a year. If Oil Spill gushed into our beloved wa- Quarter tourist traps selling those ‘Fuck occasion of my 25th birthday found, please return to the address ters. As a certified Creationist, Bobby You, You Fucking Fuck’ t-shirts and we (although, due to attention span below. saw an opportunity. After all, it was our The Squeegee Guy J. vociferously insisted that the primordial issues, I have only completed two Corner Claiborne muck from whence we come (deep in George who was famous for first broad- sentences so far). and Poydras casting that word, essentially establishing Lindsay Lohan the Gulf of Mexico) was good enough Betty Ford Clinic to dredge into fantasy islands when BP’s a copyright. We’re asking for a cease- Rancho Mirage, CA oil attacked, but couldn’t possibly be and-desist unless we get a cut of the Dear Brilliant Practitioners of the C.O.A. STATEMENT the stuff that gave life to feral Cajuns profits.” Any construction using “fuck,” Journalist’s Art, Le Monde de Merde is offered by the and rabid WhoDats. Seizing an oppor- including such phrases as Aw fuck!, I know that Le Monde de Merde has Krewe du Vieux in the true spirit of tunity to change his image from de- abso-fucking-lutely, in-fucking-credible, a long history of ridiculing politicians. Carnival as a venue for satire and stroyer to builder, Guv Bobby demanded and fuckin’-A, would be subject to the political comment. The views herein Of course, given your exquisitely that we pluck money out of government copyright. Private use of the word would may not reflect those of Krewe discriminating taste, you only ridicule coffers to build sand castles. not be subject to legal action because, leaders or all Krewe members. They bad politicians. Therefore, I never The fact that a new congressional as the spokes-dick said, “We can’t be are designed to entertain and provoke expect to see my name in your district could be dredged out of poison- in everyone’s bedroom, even though thought. Besides, ain’t none of us got Pulitzer-worthy publication. But if I ous muck to build his legacy, the name- we’d like to.” nothin’ worth suing for that isn’t do, you can expect an immediate visit sake “Piyushme-Pullyu Parish,” was At press time, there was no decision covered in oil. from my very big brother, Luigi pure Louisiana lagniappe. in the lawsuit, but there was a rumor that Landrieu. All material ©2011 While all this was piling up, Bobby a countersuit was filed by the estate of Moonson Mitch by the Krewe du Vieux little knew that “Mama Grizzly”, the Red Lenny Bruce. My City Hall

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