The Serious Business Waifu CYOA v. 2.0 by NyuuLucy

“because pictures are for casuals”

Note: Its easier if instead of rolling in post you use a dedicated dice roller like https://www.wizards.com/dnd/dice/dice.htm

Roll a D100 42 times (subsequent rerolls will, almost certainly, be called for however)

● Your waifu posseses [20] total trait slots. ● To fill these slots you must first freely select 1 trait from any of the categories. ● Her second trait slot must be filled by a trait from the “Endearing Foible” category. To determine which foible roll twice on the foible chart and pick one. ● The remaining slots may be filled by selecting traits freely from your PTP (potential trait pool). Your potential trait pool is generated by rolling for a specified number of traits from each category. To ensure no single category is over or under represented traits from each individual category must fill a specified minimum number of slots and may not fill more than a specified maximum number of slots. ● If you dislike all of your available traits from a given category you may reroll that category however for each such reroll you must fill an additional slot with a foible generated in the same manner as the first (roll two pick one) allowing fewer total choices from your PTP. ● If you roll the same number more than once when rolling for a particular category that trait instantly and irrevocably occupies a trait slot ● If you should happen to roll 47 twice at the same time you must roll once on the Critical Hit category (these options do not occupy trait slots) ● Some traits provide an additional “bonus Trait” unless otherwise specified they do not occupy one of your 20 trait slots enabling your waifu to posses more than 20 total traits.

How did you meet? Roll 3 (min 1 slot, max 3) ​ 1­5: Greencard: You’re a mail­order groom she purchased over the Internet. ​ ​ 6­10: Do You Feel Lucky… Punk?: Blind date ​ ​ 11­15: Waifuhouse Five: The Vorlons needed a breeding pair and you were both highly ​ ​ abductable. 16­20: Unaccompanied Minor: Conspiracy between talk show host and one of your offspring ​ ​ involving the Empire State Building and an unrepentant neighbor child. 21­25: They Brought In A Professional: Matchmaker ​ ​ 26­30: The Treaty of Her­Thigh: Your two noble peoples sought an end to the great war ​ ​ ​ ​ 31­35: The Bachelor/Bachelorette: You can choose which of you was the rose provider. ​ ​ 36­40: A Negative Times a Negative… : Your beer goggles canceled each other out. ​ ​ 41­45: So Educational!: School ​ ​ 46­50: Worthy Foe: She cut you off in traffic, you both road raged and got in massive fist fight ​ ​ in the middle of the street eventually sending each other to the hospital. Due to bed shortage you were admitted to the same room. 51­55: Runescape ​ 56­60: The Handoff: Friend of a friend ​ ​ 61­65: Lust Can Blossom: One of you was dispatched to terminate the other and your affection ​ ​ germinated. 66­70: “I’d Give My Soul To Find A Good Man In This Town.”: One of you pledged your ​ ​ soul to dark powers in exchange for the other’s coordinates. 71­75: Childhood Friend: what it says on the tin ​ ​ 76­80: National Geographic: She was attracted by your potent scent markings, bright plumage, ​ ​ ​ ​ and impressive dominance displays. 81­85: Win­Win: You were both looking for someone to make your ex jealous. ​ ​ 86­90: Suspect Is Still at Large: She was a random passer­by when Cupid shot you, she ran ​ ​ over and kept pressure on the wound until the paramedics arrived. 91­95: The Darkhorse: God felt his core fanbase wasn’t warming to original female lead and ​ ​ totally loved you as a pair when he read it portrayed in a crackship fap­fiction he happened to read one night featuring a character from a totally different franchise. 96­100: There Were No Other Survivors… ​

roll 7, min 1 slot max 3. Waifu’s Occupation: ​ 1. Nurse ​ ​ ​ 2. Homemaker ​ ​ 3. Submariner: Her job takes her away for months at a time most of the time. ​ ​ 4. Important Politician: Smile for the cameras Honey ​ ​ 5. Supermodel ​ ​ 6. Superhero ​ ​ 7. Supervillain ​ ​ 8. Sidekick ​ ​ 9. Henchman ​ ​ 10. School teacher ​ ​ 11. Mob fixer ​ ​ 12. Pop Idol ​ ​ 13. Dilettante ​ ​ 14. Particle physicist ​ ​ 15. Wildlife biologist ​ ​ 16. Programmer ​ ​ 17. RMT WOW player ​ ​ 18. Con­artist ​ ​ 19. Carney ​ ​ 1. Bearded Lady 2. Strong­Person 3. Lion Tamer 4. Lion Whisperer 5. Clown 6. Acrobat 7. Contortionist 8. Knife­Thrower 9. Chick who has knives thrown at her 10. Fortune Teller 11. Fetches water for any and all pachyaderms 20. Unemployed ​ ​ 21. Student ​ ​ 1. Computer Science 2. Philosophy 3. Psychology 22. Driving the cursed English from the holy kingdom of France ​ ​ 23. Krav Maga instructor ​ ​ 24. Carpenter ​ ​ 25. Bass guitarist ​ ​ 26. Therapist ​ ​ 27. Consiglieri to Don Martha of the Infamous Stewart Crime Family ​ ​ 28. Writer ​ ​ 29. Factory worker ​ ​ 30. Coal miner ​ ​ 31. WNBA referee ​ ​ 32. Drifts from job to job ​ ​ 33. Lawyer ​ ​ 34. CIA analyst ​ ​ 35. Deep cover FSB agent ​ ​ 36. Street Judge ​ ​ 37. Corporate CEO ​ ​ 38. The Don ​ ​ 39. Traffic agent for the FBI ​ ​ 40. Weatherwoman ​ ​ 41. She’s one of the Avengers 42. Defensive end for the Detroit Lions 43. She Sits on the Counsel of The Nine that legend and mystery shrouded body behind the ancient conspiracy that is the true decider of what changes shall and shall not be made to the one TRUE law, the iron law from which none have ever known freedom, the “accepted” rules of proper English grammar and punctuation. Among to those few who know of the arcane and forbidden world of grammar codification she is known only as the Dread Fuhrer, most terrible and feared of the nine whose terrible true agenda others may only wonder of with hearts gripped in coldest terror. 44. TSA Screener 45. Boom Camera Operator for Paramount. 46. Shill for Fox News 47. Mad Scientist 48. System Admin for pornhub 49. D­list celebrity who’s day job is filling in when Late Night Comedy shows scheduled guest cancels. 50. Secret Shopper for international black arms market 51. Rogue IRS agent 52. Eats Falafel in front of webcam 53. Psychic Medium 54. Coast Guard rescue diver. 55. Stuffed Animal playtester 56. hedge wizard 57. Flower shop girl 58. starving artist 59. Supermarket employee in charge of helping find mommies 60. NY Times tweet critic 61. Lounge Singer 62. Assayer for BLM (btw apologies to all non­americafags, I’m hoping most of you dirty foreigners live somewhere with analogous government entities/political jokes) 63. Writer for Saturday Night Live 64. DJ 65. Real Estate Agent 66. Mailperson 67. Inspector for the International Atomic Energy Commission 68. backup vocalist for whatever vapid pop star Disney is pushing this week. 69. Professional YouTube commenter 70. Physical Therapist 71. Quack sports analyst for ESPN. 72. Member of the Glorious Leaders personal protection detail responsible for first making sure any toilet he uses hasn’t been tampered with. 73. Internet Screener for the PRC specialized in making sure EMP flix, redtube, and the like haven’t had any objectionable content about the Tienamen Square Massacre or what a shitty screenwriter Chairman Mao was sneakily spliced into any seemingly harmless ball­stomping or raplay videos. 74. NASA employee responsible for shooing all of the gators off the landing strip at Kennedy Space Center. (This is a REAL job) 75. Professional Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle at Disneyland. 76. Hostage Negotiator. 77. IRA JAG officer 78. Marine Scout Sniper or Parajumper 79. Bomb Sniffing dog handler. 80. Pirate/Privateer. 81. Fluffer 82. Hairstylist 83. Cat Burgler 84. Voice Actress 85. Insurance claims adjuster 86. Key Grip 87. Cosmonaut 88. Dog Groomer/Cosmatologist 89. Craps Dealer 90. Book­On­Tape Reader 91. Coolie 92. HVAC Technician 93. Works For The County 94. Alpaca Breeder 95. Postal Worker 96. Blacksmith 97. Primus Pilus 98. Gondolier (they finally integrated!) 99. Helicopter Mechanic 100. Avon Lady

What’s “your song?” Roll 3 (min 1 max 1) ​ 1. Matt Mulholand cover of Pokemon Theme 2. Marine Corps. Hymn 3. Um Bop—Hanson 4. My Heart Will Go On—Celine Dion 5. The Wheels On The Bus (Speedmetal version) 6. Don’t Stop Believing—Journey 7. Entire Moulin Rouge Soundtrack 8. Schism—Tool 9. Sandstorm—Darude 10. Hakuna Matata—Simba, Timone, Pumba 11. You Can’t Touch This—MC Hammer 12. If I were a Rich Man—Fiddler on The Roof 13. Babyback Rib Jingle 14. Turn The Page—Bob Seger 15. The Luckiest—Ben Folds 16. Auld Lang Syne 17. Spongebob Theme 18. The couple who live in the apartment upstairs having makeup sex. 19. Louie Louie­­? 20. Veterans of the Psychic Wars—Blue Oyster Cult 21. Waltzing Matilda 22. Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday 23. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen 24. Love is Gone by David Guetta 25. Tank! By the Seatbelts 26. Tobi no Tachi 27. Kiseki no Umi (Record of Lodoss War: Chronicles of the Heroic Knights Opening theme) 28. Nyan­Cat Song 29. What’s Up Pussycat by Tom Jones 30. Desert Rose by Sting 31. That Thing You Do from that Tom Hanks band movie 32. Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel 33. Amazing Grace 34. Tube Snake Boogie by ZZ Top 35. Indestructible by Disturbed 36. Bodies by Drowning Pool 37. Fortunate Son by CCR 38. Anna Godda Da Vida by Golden Earring 39. Ballroom Blitz by the Misfits 40. The Dragonborn Comes 41. The Twelve Days of Christmas 42. The Ants Go Marching 43. Johnny Cash cover of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails 44. Hellbent For Leather by Judas Priest 45. Battle Hymn of The Republic 46. Duel of the Fates by John Williams 47. Thus Spoke Zarathustra (the song from 2001) 48. That Deshi Basara chant from The Dark Knight Returns trailers. 49. Jeopardy Theme 50. Captain Planet Theme 51. Fuck Me In The Ass Because I Love Jesus by Garfunkle and Oats 52. Scrotum Song by the Barnyard Yankers 53. Anything by BTO 54. November Rain by Guns and Roses 55. Chopsticks 56. I’ll Be There For You of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. fame 57. Jumper by Third Eye Blind 58. Thunderhorse by [?] 59. No Way Out from Rocky IV 60. Check The Poo by the cast of Scrubs 61. The Future Belongs To Us from Cabaret 62. Springtime For Hitler 63. Intergalactic by the Beasty Boys 64. Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz 65. Ent War March from The Two Towers (book not movie) 66. The Bear and The Maiden Fair from Game of Thrones 67. Oh Ricky You’re So Fine 68. Garth’s Drum Solo in the music store during Wayne’s World 69. Touch My Tralala by Gunther 70. Victory Fanfare from FFVII 71. Hardcore Vibes by DJ Cammy 72. Good Luck by the Basement Jacks 73. I’ll Make A Man Out of You from Mulan 74. Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil 75. Stargate SG­1 opening theme 76. Minecraft soundtrack by C14 77. When A Bill Becomes A Law by Schoolhouse Rock 78. Du Hast by Rammstein 79. [ask jake what his favorite song is by that one jazz dude] 80. Tribute by Tenacious D 81. Rydeen by Yellow Magic Orchestra 82. Charlotte the Harlot by Iron Maiden 83. The Marseillaise 84. Ride of The Valkyries by Wagner 85. Isolated System by Muse 86. Rawhide Theme as performed in Blues Brothers 87. The Boys Are Back In Town by Thin Lizzie 88. Toccata and Fugue in D Minor by Johanne Sebastian Bach 89. What What In My Butt by Leopold Stoch 90. Sirius by The Allan Parsons Project 91. Leva’s Polka by Loituma 92. The Hymn For Red October by the CCCP 93. British Grenadiers March presumably by British grenadiers 94. Scotland The Brave (hope you like dem bagpipes) 95. Preliator by Globus 96. Drunken Sailor presumably by a drunken sailor 97. The Periodic Table Song 98. Lime In The Coconut by Harry Nielson 99. Rockin’ In The Free World by Niel Young 100. Eye to Eye from A Very Goofy Movie

In­Laws: Roll 2 (min 1 max 1) ​ 1­4: Totalitarian Dictator of Third World Shithole: You won’t have to worry about wedding ​ ​ ​ ​ expenses even a smidge 5­8: Son They Always Wanted: They love you more than her, seriously if you split they’ll invite you ​ ​ for thanksgiving and not her. 9­12: Outstanding Warrants: One or both of them have outstanding warrants and you better not be no ​ ​ fucking snitch; you get me boy? 13­16: Mama Beaker: SURPRISE! She was fertilized in a petri­dish and carried for nine months by a ​ ​ loving plexi­glass tube with some science­y stuff attached. Your father­in­law is Monsanto Corporation, they want you to sign some kind of release. 17­20: Sith Lord: Remember, whatever you do, don’t mention the Old Republic. They’ve never really ​ ​ seen eye­to­eye on that whole Alderaan thing either… 21­24: Collateral: Her parents both love her very much and they’re happy for the two of you; the candle ​ ​ of their love for her is however, meaningless next to the active volcanic fury of their hatred for one another. If ruining your wedding is the price of really making that blood sucking harpy/vomitous pile of filth pay for what they’ve done then their little sunshine’s big day is what ​ ​ the military would refer to as “acceptable loss.” 25­28: Raised By Wolves: They’re mostly housebroken though so its cool. There might be an awkward ​ ​ transition period, but after a couple of years spending the holidays at the den you’ll be sniffing assholes and inspiring Jack London like a pro. Even if you clearly can’t hunt elk for shit they’ll be good sports about it as long as you give it a good honest effort.. 29­32: Dead: She’s an orphan. ​ ​ 33­36: Orphaneer: The lady who ran her orphanage is really a wonderful person, but rather harried; ​ ​ here hold this one for a moment while she breaks up that fight in the corner then she’ll back with a clean diaper for you in a minute. The children might all hate you for stealing their onee­san. 37­40: Over 9,000 Brothers: At least 3k of them are alcoholics you’ll have to pick up from the station ​ ​ at ungodly hours of the morning, the next 3k feel obligated to beat you up or al least give it a go for some reason, the next 2k don’t feel any obligation to try and rough you up but will still do it cause its funny, the last 1k will mostly just apologize for the others behavior. The good news though is that among all those siblings are sure to be at least one you really get along with. Do not agree to play ice hocky with them under any circumstances, what they really want to do is “play ice hockey.” 41­44: Mandatory Coolaid: WE HAVE COME TO RETURN OUR LOST LAMB TO THE FOLD! ​ ​ REPENT YE SINNERS! Clearly you are a demon in league with the Great Enemy and they have an obligation, a holy duty, to save her from you and your decadent ways. They seriously can get ​ ​ ​ ​ you court­side seats for game 7 though. 45­48: From The Old Country: You have no idea what the fuck they’re saying but their body language ​ ​ isn’t encouraging. You’ll always strongly suspect that every second you are not in the room is spent arguing with your waifu about whether or not you are any kind of real man and goddamnit why can’t they see things here aren’t like that. When they insist you eat something don’t ask what it is; it will trump whatever your imagination might come up with. 49­52: TMI: PDA old people who try and have sex all over everything wrinkles and decorum be ​ ​ damned. Mother won’t stop catching you alone in the kitchen to tell you about how you better be giving their daughter some “bed­shatteringly hard, noise­complaint good, Lord­of­The­Rings­long plowing.” Her extremely graphic and detailed orders for how you ought to “take care of her little boopsikins” would make any yaoi fap­fiction writing schoolgirl feel indecent. The creepiest part is how good her suggestions are. 53­56: Didn’t Even Haggle: Dowry paid promptly and in full. ​ ​ 57­60: Stoic: Are they giving you the silent treatment? Being polite? Snooty? SAY SOMETHING GOD ​ ​ DAMNIT! 61­64: Feign Interest: Congratulations you get to pretend to be a Yankees fan. ​ ​ 65­68: They Need A Place To Stay: Your place, to be precise… ​ ​ 69­72: Whats­is­face: Can’t ever remember your damn name, they clearly think you’re just “one of her ​ ​ phases.” 73­76: Back Seat Drivers: All interactions with them comprised of queries into E.T.A. of grandchildren ​ ​ and outlines of dietary regimens that should aid with conception followed by concerted effort to ensure your offspring are spoiled little shits who think you’re a cheap bastard. 77­80: Game Of Thornes?: Try really hard to connect with you in spite of lack of common interests ​ ​ resulting in everyone involved or even nearby being extremely uncomfortable whenever waifu is not present. 81­84: Princess: Literally a princess ​ 85­100: Placeholder: Roll again ​ ​

Miscelanious: [As is WIP if you roll over 50 just subtract 50 and ​ ​ use that trait] Roll 6, Minimum 3, Max 20. ​ ​ ​ ​ 1. Ultra­Badass: Even Conduits know better than to fuck with her, or at least they learn quickly. ​ 2. Preoccupied Scientist: 3. Genki Girl: The ADHD is strong with this one ​ 4. Little/Medium/Big Miss Snarker: More dry wit than a british comedian. ​ 5. Queen: Hyper competent, bossy, in charge of important shit, responsible for thousands or ​ millions or at least everyone who knows her agrees she should be. She’ll likely organize any family get together/birthday parties/vacations and any objective observer would know it was a good thing. 6. Blond: Without that hair (and magnificent tits) people would realize what a stupid fucker she ​ really is, people know she is but its hard to pay attention to under all that breast. 7. Friend to All Living Things: Composed of equal parts love, compassion, and Hallmark card. ​ Frequently nurses things and people back to health. 8. Hip: She’s into all the cool stuff or, rather, what she’s into is what’s cool. She knows everyone ​ and has a cool nickname for them that no one else is allowed to use. She is in on every in­joke. All her jokes are funny and you’ve never heard them before. She is… The Most Interesting Waifu in the World. 9. Weirdo: She’ll pack you lunch everyday, I hope you like pixie sticks and Captain Crunch ​ 10. Fiery: Frequently redheaded, she’s got spunk, will punch people, frequently a screamer ​ (giggidy), 11. Rei Expy 12. Cunt: She is a fucking CUNT! (but she’s your cunt goddamnit) ​ ​ ​ 13. Adorkable: Anyone who doesn’t love her is dead inside. ​ 14. Lady of War: Her bearing is noble and her manner aristocratic, her diction elevated and concise. ​ Your waifu is always calm, graceful, composed, and unfailingly courteous no mater the situation. While other women might scream obscenities during childbirth she will remain composed and proper in spite of the agonizing pain, after all she wouldn’t want to make a scene over such trifles. “Dear, pardon me, but I quite feel this would be an excellent time for Doctor Yonburg to administer an epidural. If you happen to see the good doctor, be a dear and let him know I really do feel quite strongly about it.” If she should happen to find herself in a situation where it seemed violence was the only solution, uncouth though it may be, she won’t hesitate to kill the shit out of all who stand against her, never losing her air of courteous dignity throughout the whole affair. When she does see fit to insult someone she tends more towards calling them a churl or “possessed of low character” than douchebag of faggot. (which isn’t to say she hasn’t on occasion called someone a douchebag or faggot) 15. Suvari: Acts extremely sexual and seductive all the time in public but is actually super shy and ​ kind of awkward when she’s actually laying the sex on someone. 16. Action Hero Pain Threshold: She will never show any evidence of feeling pain unless having ​ an injury treated 17. Swore Off Adventuring: So what if she was the best? She gave all that up! She has a husbando ​ now, she has responsibilities. She likes her life now and couldn’t even consider doing One Last Job. 18. Mouth Gear Equipped, Socially Inept, Snort­Laughing, Nerd: Steve Urkle would beat her up ​ and take her lunch money. 19. Patriarchy: Totally Alright With It: Walks three paces behind you and always has dinner ​ ready when you get home from work. Is in the kitchen. 20. Enviro­Zealot: Always has a bucket of animal blood handy in case she sees someone wearing ​ fur. Once killed a lumberjack, a hunter, and a land developer and had them stuffed and mounted; will insist on hanging them over your fireplace. PTSD from her time volunteering in Prince William Sound after the Exon­Valdez ran aground means she frequently wakes up screaming in the middle of the night so you have to cuddle her for a few hours (“The pelicans, the pelicans, oh my god the pelicans!” *sobs* “I could never get it all off! I tried so hard and I could never get it all off!”) 21. Because She Is One: She is the reason that people who gossip a lot are likened to house­waifus. ​ Will tell anyone something she’s promised not to tell anyone. She is the National Enquirer HR ​ ​ department’s Everest. 22. Just­est Paladin: She lives by a code, not a list of suggestions god damnit! If she sees someone ​ jaywalking she’ll floor it and swerve to hit him while screaming “PREPARE FOR JUSTICE!” Once during some foreplay when you said she was “setting you on fire” she immediately leaped out the window and ran off down the street to turn herself into the police for first degree assault and arson. Bonus!: Add Reason She Is Adorable: Insists green beans are “not justice.” ​ ​ 23. Is Trouble: Her hobby is goading men into fights with people who will stomp their shit by ​ ​ ​ implying they’re “no kind of real man.” ​ ​ 24. Socialite: 25. Dominatrix: 26. Go­Getter: She gets straight A's in her classes, while also taking charge of multiple school clubs ​ and volunteering at a homeless shelter in her spare time. She's unfailingly polite to her peers, older adults, and younger children alike. She might not be a fashion plate, but she never steps outside her home without looking perfectly presentable. (from TV­tropes) 27. Extroverted Nerd: Intensely nerdy and seemingly oblivious to the fact. She’ll act like Captain ​ Hip while wearing one of those Naruto forehead protectors. 28. Hells Angel: Harley included ​ 29. Witch Doctor: 30. Quack Witch Doctor: Her mark in Satan’s Black Book is actually from a diploma mill. ​ 31. Magical Girl: Complete with uniform and transformation sequence. ​ 32. Actually 700 Years Old 33. Must Pretend To Be A Man: (can’t fool Riddick though) ​ 34. Loli: because calling her a child would make you look like some kind of pedophile or something ​ 35. Constantly Abducted 36. Not In Her Final Form 37. Amazon 38. Maid: I hope you like being called master. She’ll wear the uniform whenever she’s not involved ​ in some activity that specifically requires her to wear something else. This does not make her any good at cleaning etc. 39. From the Far Future: 40. From the Distant Past: 41. Sororitas: Hatred for the heretic, the alien, and the mutant (however you define them) is what ​ gives her life meaning. You’re pretty swell too though… 42. Her Powers Have Been Sealed: 43. Last of Her Kind: 44. Are You Our New Daddy?: She has chilun(s) from a previous relationship(s). Roll to see how ​ many. a. 1­40: 1 Chilun b. 41­70: 2 chiluns c. 71­80: 3 chiluns d. 80­90: 4 chiluns e. 91: 5 chiluns f. 92: 6 chiluns g. 93: 7 chiluns h. 94: 8 chiluns i. 95: 10 chiluns j. 96: 11 chiluns k. 97: 12 chiluns l. 98: 14 chiluns m. 99: 27 chiluns n. 100: 47 chiluns 45. Placeholder: Reroll ​ 46. Placeholder: Reroll ​ 47. Placeholder: Reroll ​ 48. Placeholder: Reroll ​ 49. Placeholder: Reroll ​ 50. Placeholder: Reroll ​

Flavor of Dere Roll 3 (min 0 max 2): ​ ​ 1­8: Tsundere ​ 9­16: Dandere ​ 17­24: Kuudere ​ 25­32: Yawndere: She suffers from severe narcolepsy. ​ ​ 33­40: Lawndere: She loves doing yard work. ​ ​ 41­48: Soondere: Likes to peek over things so that only her eyes and forehead can be seen from the ​ ​ other side. 49­56: Suein’dere: She is extremely litigious (insert Church of Scientology joke here) ​ ​ 57­64: Non­dere: ​ ​ 65­72: Coup­dere: Loyal on the outside, plotting government overthrow on the inside. ​ ​ 73­80: Dawndere: She is a morning person. ​ ​ 81­100: Placeholder: reroll ​ ​

Species/Brand of Meta­Human: Roll 3, min 1 max 3 ​ ​ 1­4: AI 5­8: Android you built 9­12: Robot you found in garbage. 13­16: Escaped Super­weapon 17­20: Vampire/Werewolf/Dragon/Fantasti­Mulatto/etc 21­24: Human Being without any cybernetics, or superpowers, or alien symbiotes or anything (you sick fuck) 25­28: Vivid Hallucination 29­32: Minor Deity 33­36: Major Deity 37­40: Angel 41­44: Demon/Succubus 45­48: NPC 49­52: Is SDA 53­56: She is the Borg. Lower your pants and surrender your virginity. Your financial and biological distinctiveness will be added to her own. Resistance is futile. (That line is surprisingly romantic if delivered the right way.) 57­60: Human mind in an animal’s body. 61­64: Energy Being 65­68: Tower­Girl (gain Princess Trope free) 69­72: Dex Twink 73­76: Juggalo 77­80: Moseltov!: She’s a Jew. (I don’t mean like she’s from a jewish family I mean like kosher­keeping can’t­flush­toilet­on­Sabbath hardcore jew) 81­100: Placeholder

Who Wears The Pants? Roll 1 (min 1 max 1) ​ 1­8: She’ll do as she’s told! ​ 9­16: Content to let you make the decisions most of the time barring some issue that requires her ​ judgment specifically. 17­24: She does the day to day pant­wearing, but when its something important she defers to ​ your judgment. 25­32: You do the day to day pant­wearing but when an important decision is needed you must ​ seek an audience with the empress that you might hear her will. 33­40: She is the proverbial ball and chain, but its ok because you’re just that whipped. ​ 41­48: It looks like you fight bitterly over every little thing, enough so that people who’ve just ​ met will be convinced things for you two can only end in violence, but in reality you’re totally solid as you both enjoy that you don’t have to put up with any shit from anybody, even from each other. 49­56: You’re in charge of certain things, she’s in charge of other things; thins that fall into none ​ of your established spheres of influence typically result in some shrewd horse­trading. 57­64: Both of you are convinced you’re secretly in charge and make the important decisions ​ while letting the other think they are; it is adorable. 65­72: Even choosing who gets which side of the bed will end in pistols at dawn. UN ​ peacekeeping forces have been on deployment in your bathroom for the last six years and among the participating militaries its considered a punishing assignment which requires even more extensive counseling at the end of each tour of duty. You once conducted an honest­to­god prisoner exchange. 73­80: By Their Powers Combined: Instead of rings you exchanged D20s and they have been ​ your Sheppard and guide through the twisting labyrinth of life. 81­100: Placeholder: reroll ​

Why Is She Adorable? Roll 5, (min 1 max 5) ​ ​ ​ 1­4: Dimples cuter than Yotsuba ​ ​ 5­8: Sings in Shower (in non­obnoxious manner) ​ ​ 9­12: Always Positive: Example: “Oh wow the car’s out of gas… Race you to the gas station! ​ ​ Readysetgo!” 13­16: High Maintenance: The way it takes her twenty minutes to order a salad ​ ​ 17­20: Kaaaaaaaahn!: Every time Spock dies in Wrath of Khan she cries like it’s the first time ​ ​ she’s seen it (alternately Hans Gruber when watching Die Hard) 21­24: “Fit”: Can bench press your truck. ​ ​ 25­28: Girly Handwriting: Dots her Is with tiny reference diagram of human circulatory ​ ​ system. 29­32: Dark Secret: Secretly loves [x] but thinks its undignified and thus tries to hide it Kisara ​ ​ Nanjo style. 33­36: Two­by­Two: Had amygdale removed, now finds certain foods problematic, also certain ​ ​ hair. 37­40: Lap Pillow: Falls asleep leaning against you, is warm; you don’t ever want to move ever. ​ ​ 41­44: Ah­chooo!: The cutest little sneezes ​ ​ 45­48: Holiday Apparel: Knits utili­kilts for everyone in the family every Christmas (Except ​ ​ Bobby fuck that little shit) 49­52: The Vritaski: Her facial expression when eating something sour. ​ ​ 53­56: CDC Approved: 0 infectious diseases so far as you are aware. ​ ​ 57­60: She Is Not: but you love her anyway. ​ ​ 61­64: Nick Frost: spot­on orangutan impression ​ ​ 65­68: Forgotten Punch­Line: Constantly tries to tell jokes you’ve told her and fucks them up. ​ ​ 69­72: Cute When She Sleeps: Sleeps hanging upside down like a bat. ​ ​ 73­76: Kick Spot: Has a “kick spot” ​ ​ 77­80: Questionable Mechanic: CYOA general thread’s choice (use first response) ​ ​ 81­100: Placeholder: Roll again ​ ​

Dirty Talk/Preferences Concerning Coitus Roll 3 (min 1 Max 2) 1. Dirty Talk Tsundere: Complains but really likes it ​ ​ 2. Do You Kiss Your Mother With Those Lips?: says she hates it and does, seriously she ​ don’t have no problems with sex but if you commence with the dirty talk she’ll punch you in the fucking face. 3. Weaves A Vivid Mental Tapestry: She’s too into it, her foreplay will make anyone ​ ​ ​ within earshot want to go and take a shower. 4. Clear, Concise, and Sopping Wet: Her thing is dirty talk that’s clinically detached: “Oh ​ yes, I would like to have sexual intercourse with you at this time. Oh baby, my hormones are very active.” “Give it to me in a highly satisfactory manner.” “Your degree of vaginal penetration is quite satisfactory/insufficient.” “Its very successfully stimulating endorphin creation!” 5. Always Time For Chaucer: She only dirty talks in middle English, “I’ve been quite the ​ amorous little tart and thou must discipline me. I desire thine cock inside mine pussy; mine heart must surely burst such is the depth of my desire.” 6. Awoooooooo!: You have concussion and hearing­loss related medical conditions usually ​ only seen in artillery crews. You have to live out in the country, it’s a zoning thing. 7. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Firefighter) 8. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Rapist) 9. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Repopulating a post­apocalyptic wasteland) 10. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Playing “doctor”) 11. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Schoolgirl in need of reprimand) 12. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Vampires: The Masquerade) 13. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Sexbot) 14. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Nun) 15. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Maid) 16. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Teacher providing “supplementary lessons”) 17. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Single mother hookin’ to make rent.) 18. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (“Clue” i.e. “in the conservatory with the candlestick” etc) 19. Always Wants You To Play The Same Role (Naked Apron) 20. OOC is Serious Business: She’s into role­play and takes it very seriously. You’d better ​ not break character. You’ll need to be in touch with your character and what his motivations are or she just won’t be able to buy your performance, and honestly is there a bigger turn off than losing suspension of disbelief? If you’re doing a scripted piece instead of improve that night and you forget your lines you will be sleeping on the couch. ​ ​ Trying to convince her you could only do so much with those garbage lines won’t work very many times. 21. Minimalist: Neither of you are to say anything, all she wants to hear is groans, gasps, ​ ​ ​ and heavy breathing; its Her Song and she fucking loves music. ​ ​ 22. Stock Phrases: Her dirty talk sounds exactly the same as women in porn flicks, this is ​ not a good thing. 23. Walking And Chewing Bubblegum: What gets her motor going is carrying on casual ​ unrelated conversations during sex. “oh, oh, OH, OH!—I THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE ​ ​ ​ ​ CAST SOMEONE BETTER IN THAT ROLE TOO, HIS­“ *gasping moan* ”PERFORMANCE WAS TOO UNDERSTATED I THINK!” *pants heavily* “Supporting actress was great though. I hope I start to see her in some bigger­“ *contented sigh* “leading roles.” 24. Canibals Have an Appetite for Her Sexual Appetites: Good ol’ fashioned man­on­top ​ missionary style. 25. Antikythera: Vastly complex and infinite in variety, to call her countless devices “sex ​ toys” would trivialize the creativity, genius, and physical hardship nescesary for their design, use, and manufacture. Future anthropologists will be completely baffled should your bedroom ever become a dig site. 26. The Gospel According to Leopold: Holds an unwavering conviction that her tuchas’s ​ interior is the only place for you to be. 27. BJJJ: If the two of you were to make a sex tape it would look exactly like a close MMA ​ bout except with insertion instead of striking. 28. Spelunker: All holes exist for the purposes of adventure and exploration. ​ 29. For Posterity: Sex tapes, sex tapes everywhere! ​ 30. You’ll Need To Synchronize Watches: She has precisely determined the choreography ​ for the ideal sexual encounter down to the very last thrust, nibble, and moan. 31. Don’t Go In The Water: The last person who saw evidence of one of her “love nibbles” ​ immediately called The US Fish and Wildlife Service (or your local equivalent) under the belief that local hikers and campers were in danger. Its very important that you learn how to properly tie a tourniquet. She feels that “The Ghosts In The Darkness” is the hottest porno ever made. 32. Expect Carpel Tunnel: Not so much hand­job as hand­vocation. ​ 33. Jane Krakaur: She’ll fight to get on top. ​ 34. Girlcow: Reverse cowgirl. ​ 35. “Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained”: Regular execution of a complete “Rusty ​ Venture” is a must for healthy marital relations. 36. The Tour de Francesca: Firmly believes hard work only works if accompanied by ​ performance enhancing substances. 37. The Cleanup Hitter In Any Group Of Swingers: Loves her orgies so massive they ​ require the kind of logistics and supply trains usually only seen in major military offensives. 38. Street Performer: She likes to put the “lick” in “public.” ​ 39. The “Gate” Is Down: She feels that sex outside of freefall is for casuals. Get ready to ​ invite Newton for a threesome. 40. Cock’n Rocks: and anything else she can find described on Urban Dictionary. ​ 41. Answers The Call of The Wild: Get ready to put the “style” in “Doggy­style.” ​ 42. Gourmand: Twat: its what’s for dinner. ​ 43. Trade In Your Condom For A Bathysphere: She needs you to go deeper. ​ 44. LXIX: The romans must have called it something different. ​ 45. Only 69 Shades?: If she were any more in favor of bondage she’d shell Fort Sumpter. ​ 46. Anchorperson: Skyyyy­rockets in flight… ​ ​ 47. Good Clean Fun: Make sure you have a non­slip shower mat. ​ 48. Spells It Quick­E” Not “Quickie”: The E stands for extasy. (Alternatively she likes to ​ mix MDMA with chocolate flavored milk). 49. Fuck The Metric System!: Feet are the only thing that can wet your waifu’s… appetite. ​ 50. Kirino’s Nose Knows: Nothing makes her hot and sweaty like you being hot and sweaty, ​ nothing makes her crotch slobber more than a man who looks like he’s in a Gatorade commercial and smells like he’s composed entirely of ball sweat. 51­100: Placeholder: Subtract 50 and use that result ​ ​

Talents: Roll 5 (min 1 max 5) 1. Creates H​ ardcopy Backups On Her Linens: Mad excel skills. ​ 2. “And Now I Add Seven Flaming Used Heroin Needles… And A Newborn Infant!” She ​ can juggle more and more increasingly unwieldy objects until you run out things you can hand her. Its like she’s Katamari Damacie’s weird cousin. 3. 1,000 BPM Awesomeness: Queef beat­boxing maestro. Jimmy Hendrix’s guitars wish they ​ could be your waifu’s bajinggo. No road warrior can stand before her mighty vaginal wub­wub. If rolled into your PTP this trait MUST be selected to fill a trait slot. ​ 4. Crock Pot Oppenheimer: She’s the Wayne Gretzky of cooking ​ 5. Stanley Is Her Middle Name: She’s the Emeril of Ice Hockey. ​ 6. Death By Three Ring Binder: She is the one Macguyver refers to as “The Great Master” ​ 7. Nary An Unimpressed Turtle: SEO proficiency ​ 8. Courteous: Could suck a golf ball through a garden hose ​ 9. The Fabric Of Reality Sundered: Can get through to Comcast’s customer service desk. ​ 10. 1337: Always types captcha in correctly the first time. ​ 11. She Goes Both Ways: Can use a Mac OR a PC. ​ 12. Le Artiste: Her works are enshrined in the Louvre. Bonus: if selected to fill a trait slot add ​ ​ occupation trait “Artist” to your PTP. 13. Arcade Samurai: Knows all finishing combos for Tekken, Street Fighter AND Soul Caliber. ​ Daigo makes pilgrimages that he might hear her wisdom. 14. High ESRP Rating: Can pull off fatalities IRL. (but only if bystander yells “Finish him!” at ​ the appropriate time.) 15. Her Worth Is Proven: Can do the Vulcan “live long and prosper” hand thing. ​ 16. Painful Yet Arousing At The Same Time: Can do the splits. ​ 17. Roll­Tide: Always gets stains out of clothing. ​ 18. Hands That Work Miracles: No nub marks when removing parts from sprues (not even on ​ metallic pieces) 19. Waifu>Vegeta: Does not need scouter to judge power level ​ 20. Master Craftsman: Rolls perfect blunts ​ 21. Perfect Pitch: She has perfect pitch. ​ ​ ​ 22. Master of the Downhill: Could drift a backhoe down a bobsled run with one hand taped to ​ the wheel. Bonus: if selected to fill a trait slot add occupation trait “Gas Station Attendant” to ​ your PTP. 23. 21­9­0: With jungler runes (LoL reference ifn yous aren’t down with tha vidya talk) ​ 24. Origami: She put up your lake cabin herself; after laminating the top it was good to go. ​ 25. Hand Drawing Was Too Prude: Master of Flash Animation. ​ 26. Show Off: Can solve rubik’s cube in one hand ​ 27. Pebble­In­Her­Shoe: Can beat a polygraph ​ 28. Feline Peepers: Counter­puncher with solid footwork. Bonus: if selected to fill a trait slot ​ ​ add occupation trait “Pro Boxer” to your PTP. 29. The Clap Heard Round The Room: Can always get a good slow­clap started. ​ 30. Give In To Your Hatred!: Successful troll is always successful. ​ 31. More Impressive If You Don’t Have A Penis: Can write her name in the snow with her ​ pee. 32. An Elegant Weapon From A More Civilized Era: Can drive a stick­shift. ​ 33. Mr. Collins’ Brief: A talent for general mayhem. ​ 34. Brick­Layer: Good at Tetris ​ 35. Can “Service” “Elements.” Deniable operations in the Punjab region. ​ 36. Counterfeit Art Hipster: Can flawlessly counterfeit Kandinskies; Picaso was too ​ mainstream. 37. Regal In Her Bearing: Can retain air of dignity throughout the execution of a successful ​ Cleveland Steamer. 38. Is That What It Is?: Can execute a perfect “Rusty Venture.” ​ 39. Forbidden Knowledge Beyond The Ken O’ Decent Folk: Knows when it’s a comma and ​ when it’s a semicolon. 40. Fuck Taking The Bus: Flash Step master. (google shunpo if necessary) ​ 41. Can Avoid Imperial Entanglements: Can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs and ​ usually gets whatever she needs through customs no questions asked. Always has Tylenol with Codine on hand. Bonus: if selected to fill a trait slot add occupation trait “Smuggler” to ​ your PTP. 42. Polyglot: Can convert code between different languages like nobodies’ business. ​ 43. 360 No­Scope: What it says on the tin. ​ 44. They’re Not Dragonballs: Can always locate the correct television remote ​ 45. Foe To Darkness: Can cast Lvl XIV Magic Missile 7/day as a spell­like ability. (With all the ​ fun meta­magic feats too). 46. Second Coming of Gaigax: The ideal towards which all other GMs should aspire, never was ​ a game­night bad under her wise rule, never was a ruling disputed except in butt­hurtitude, combat didst not take like four hours for three initiative cycles, loot was never inappropriate to the challenge. Not one PC is coddled under her just leadership yet every full party that has wiped knew things might have been different if they’d played things out with a bit more wisdom. She knows all the rules, even the weird ones from Weeaboo Fightan Magic. Does not allow players to roll an Illithid. Makes Shadowrun feel gritty and cool, Dark Heresy feel grimdark but still silly as fuck, Fedoramaster feel swagtastic, Cthulu feel Lovecraftian and weird, Paranoia feel wicked fun, and does not play F.A.T.A.L. Note: Add Occupation trait ​ “Professional GM” to your PTP if this is selected for a trait slot. 47. Lazarus Effect: Can get your car to start. ​ 48. OC: Pic is never copypasta ​ 49. The Jungle King Whisperer: lion tamer of some renown; she seems like she was born with ​ a whip in one arm and a chair in the other (this may become apparent to you during any periods of heated domestic turmoil). Note: If selected one trait slot filled with an ​ “occupation” trait is replaced with the hidden occupation trait “Lion Tamer.” 50. Font of Wisdom: Knows what anime you should watch next (or other preferred media ​ equivalent) 51. Woodwarder: She is the scandle/coverup’s only natural predator. Note: If selected one trait ​ ​ slot filled with an “occupation” trait is replaced with the occupation trait “Journalist” even if it is not in your PTP. 52. 174 mph fastball: Underhand no less. ​ 53. Deep Blue Must Pay/Remember Kasparov!: Chess Grandmaster ​ 54. Kikuchi­esque: The CIA couldn’t spot evidence of her shoops. Can shop videos frame by ​ frame… in real­time. 55. Targeting Computers Are For Casuals: Hard counters space­stations. Abuses wild animals ​ with a high degree of accuracy. (Bad at swamp tho…) 56. Non­Horrible Karaoke: Knows all the words when she sings along with the music. ​ 57. Sight­Beyond­Sight: Can find parking downtown. ​ 58. Tenth­Dan in Plow­Fu: Farming prodigy the likes of which is only seen once in a ​ generation. Only known to most by her birth name: The World Food Program. Note: If ​ selected one trait slot filled with an “occupation” trait is replaced with the occupation trait “Farmer” even if it is not in your PTP. 59. Is There A Problem Officer?: Always gets off with a warning. ​ 60. Tactical Genius: During deployment she may select one Infantry unit or vehicle. That unit ​ has the “scouts” special rule for the duration of the battle. 61. The Keymaster: Always knows every hotkey. ​ 62. By the Books: Always knows how to handicap a race just right. ​ 63. Takes Down Some Big Scores: Her last job cleared eight figures easy. Can drop everything ​ ​ ​ in ten seconds flat if she sees The Heat around the corner. Her whole crew’s solid. Her getaway driver may or may not be a monkey. Note: If selected one trait slot filled with an ​ “occupation” trait is replaced with the occupation trait “Bank Robber” even if it is not in your PTP 64. She Was Inverted: Can always slip missile­lock. Absolutely CAN execute that maneuver in ​ an F­14. She’ll never have to abort her landing and come around again. Note: If selected one ​ trait slot filled with an “occupation” trait is replaced with the occupation trait “Fighter Pilot” even if it is not in your PTP. 65. 10: Sticks 100% of her landings and dominates on the uneven bars. Her floor routine always ​ ​ ​ has panache. 66. Queen of Midoriyama: Can clear all three stages of Ninja Warrior (on the men’s course). ​ Rope­climbs so fast she encounters noticeable time dilation. 67. Takeru Kobayashi Ain’t Got Shit: Eats hotdogs so fast she emits Hawking radiation. ​ 68. InGen Superstar: Could splice frog DNA into a hammer. Her vat­grown velociraptors never ​ reproduce in the wild. Timmy wouldn’t have gotten away from her ‘Rex. ​ ​ 69. The Commandant Gets His Today: Can always do one more rep. Has never taken more ​ than ten seconds to complete that obstacle. There are 0 jelly donuts in her footlocker (which is locked). 70. The Crowd, It Is For Her That They Roar: “Her professional gladiatorial combat record ​ stands at over 9,000 wins and no losses. 13 time, undisputed, All­Empire WBO, WBC Open­Class Sands of the Arena Woooooooooooorld Champion…” Beat 7.6” Soviet super­gladiator in the Olympics to bring home the gold that one year. Never kills too quickly. Can dual­wield Tridents (nets too). Wins historical reenactments even though assigned to Carthaginian Team. Known to call chariots “scrub wagons.” Once made the Emperor look stupid. She gets to wear the coolest helmet. When a lion is discovered to also be a Christian she’s who they feed it to. Note: If selected one trait slot filled with an “occupation” trait ​ is replaced with the occupation trait “Gladiator” even if it is not in your PTP. 71. Decathallumnus: Holds PHDs in different disciplines from MIT, CalTech, Todai, Yale, ​ Oxford, Cambridge, West Point, Madrid University, USC, Harvard, Loyola, as well as a fellowship at CERN. Also possesses GED certificate, and an honorary certificate of participation from the San Jose YMCA youth soccer league. 72. Fantasy Hospital League’s Must­Draft Doctor Of The Season: Can always bring that ​ patient back with one last set of chest compressions after the other doctor pats her compassionately on the shoulder and tells her there’s nothing more she can do. Always spots minor clues on X­RAY. Her surgery stats are so high she must be min­maxing. Were her breadside manner any warmer Marvin Gaye would start playing in the background. Excellent rapport with nursing staff. Once preformed a successful heart transplant on a hijacked jet liner; she found an acceptable donor among the hijackers, successfully removed the heart and got it all installed and closed back up before the hijacker at the other end of the cabin started to get suspicious. Can get cheap malpractice insurance, good coverage too. Note: If selected ​ one trait slot filled with an “occupation” trait is replaced with the occupation trait “Doctor” even if it is not in your PTP. 73. Poker­Faceless: More unreadable than a freshman English essay and knows when to fold. ​ 74. Master Crook­ifier: Always knows which officer can be bent, which DA might be a ​ problem, and where Officer Gordon’s family lives. 75. One Pee­Chugging Motherfucker: Can survive anywhere on earth naked, drunk, and ​ blindfolded. Rarely ever starves to death in a school­bus. Does not even need a small axe (or put up with any of that moose’s shit either). 76. Jolliest Roger: Her torrent files never turn out to be viruses (or camrips) and she can always ​ find a version without the Korean subtitles. Will never have less than 30 seeders. Leaves uploading unthrottled. Never received even one cease and desist from Sony. 77. The Feeling Pretty Good Locker: Always knows which wire to cut, even when Chris ​ Tucker is being an asshole. Doesn’t need to occasionally wipe sweat from her eyes. Is able to keep bus over 50. Does not need Leatherman or charming robot assembled from discarded appliances. May or may not foil Mulder and Scully’s quest for the Truth. Excels at fluid measurement based puzzles. Any show about her would only have 10 episodes a season and a thirty­minute time slot. 78. Trick Rider: Rides English and Western. When eventing once landed a triple axel after ​ clearing jump. Can tell what the hell is going on in dressage. Has such a good rapport with her animals she can tell them what she needs them to do with nothing but her pure heart and their bond of mutual respect. She has never “broken” a horse as after she stares at them expectantly for a long moment untamed horses hastily disassemble themselves. She’s only been thrown once and that was because the horse knew he couldn’t make the jump from that burning building with both their weight; he landed her right in the fireman’s outstretched ​ ​ arms too. 79. Cool Like Buffy: Can reshelve library books where they belong, even the ones from the ​ curriculum center. Always has check­outs back in by due date. Proficient with the inter­library loan system. Can read microfiche with the unaided eye. Widely considered OP in Call of C’thullu campaigns; doesn’t go all that insane. 80. Quick Wit and A Sharp Tongue: without even trying can, in a single short remark render ​ someone horribly insecure, homicidal, or drop their standing in the community like a cell conversation in a tunnel 81. Immelman Turn: Can do a barrel roll as well, but won’t just because Peppy is being such a ​ shit about it. 82. Paint it Red: Anything she operates is three times faster and must be painted red. This ​ includes appliances. 83. Pic Related: She always has the perfect reaction shot. ​ 84. Krillan­Fu: If she dies she’ll always get resurrected by dragonballs or some other bullshit ​ cop­out. 85. Switch Hitter: She can bat right or left handed. Does not suffer Off­Hand to­hit penalty for ​ off hand weapon when two­weapon fighting. 86. For Three!: She’s a good outside shooter. ​ 87. The Only Logical Decision: She can remain rational and not react based on emotion in ​ times of stress. 88. Eidedic Memory: Can remember every conversation she’s ever heard, thing she’s ever seen, ​ writing she’s ever read etc verbatim and effortlessly. 89. “A Very Special Set Of Skills… I Will Find You...”: Can kill every brown man in France ​ ​ ​ over the course of an afternoon. 90. Always In Good Taste: She knows an appropriate dead baby joke for every occasion. ​ 91. Rigorous: Always passes peer review. ​ 92. A Father To Her Men: She doesn’t just tell her subordinates what to do she leads them, ​ ​ ​ inspires them, cares for them, and is beloved by them. (This is quite an accomplishment especially if she is in charge in a non­military situation. You don’t see a lot of college professors who will dive on a hand grenade so their department head is spared.) 93. On The Shoulders Of Giants: Her weapons systems are so effective they’ll make all who ​ learn of them go home right that moment and tell their children they love them. 94. The Jordan Of Not Having To Get Off The Couch: Her crumpled and thrown garbage ​ always lands in the rubbish bin, even her legendary one­handed “Sky Hook.” 95. Unnatural Powers: Can guess people’s weight and age with uncanny accuracy. ​ 96. Picaso: Her canvasing skills know no equal. If she “got the vote” any more “out” it would ​ make orbit. She does stage dives at campaign rallies. 97. Polymath: Master of an unrealistic number of varied scientific and non­scientific fields. ​ 98. Roll again 99. roll again 100. roll again

SPECIAL CATEGORY: Endearing Foible:

1. Addict: If addict is selected roll to determine type of addiction ​ 1.1. Alcoholic 1.2. Gambling 1.3. MMORPG 1.4. Cocaine 1.5. Methamphetamine 1.6. Ecstasy 1.7. Huffing paint thinner 1.8. Your cock 1.9. Peyote 1.10. Heroine 1.11. Gillmore Girls 1.12. Minecraft 1.13. PCP 1.14. “Bigorexia”: compulsively weight­trains 1.15. Sex 1.16. Workaholic 1.17. Compulsive Shopper (think Lilly from How I Met Your Mother) 1.18. Pornography 1.19. Food Network 1.20. Cheesing 2. Red Dress: She’s a bit of a full blown prostitute, literally she has sex with other dudes for ​ money. Note: If selected one trait slot filled with an “occupation” trait is replaced with ​ the occupation trait “Prostitute” even if it is not in your PTP. 3. Jealous: “I saw your phone just rang. Who the fuck is Sally Mae?!” ​ 4. PETS!: Has either way the fuck too many of a common pet such as a cat or a dog (horses ​ count) or a smaller number of a more exotic, more obnoxious pet (if she gets down to two pets they better be like Komodo dragon tier exotic/dangerous/holy­fuck­why­komodo­dragons?). Can also be a large number of exotic stuff. (doesn’t count if she works with a zoo or somewhere it would makes sense to have 400 cats or a few komodo dragons.) She will pick the cats and dragons over you. 5. Obnoxiously politically/religiously opinionated: Pleasant dinner with friends can turn into ​ a dead serious explanation of exactly why Sean is going to burn in eternal hellfire and how he deserves it/”Oh, in the Marines were you? Most people aren’t so proud of baby killing but maybe its harder than it looks”/”Oh my god you’re not part Nigger are you?” 6. Really into a specific “music” genera: any husbando that can’t pretend to like Bjork better ​ ​ not be any husbando of hers. 7. Prolific Serial Killer: ​ 8. Closet nerd/sports buff/foodie/etc: You won’t find another man’s wallet or underwear in ​ your bedroom but you will find what looks suspiciously like a hidden leaf forehead protector… 9. Not Her Native Tongue: Only speaks [whatever language(s) you speak] when addressing ​ you directly and even then only if she isn’t angry or excited. Even then her accent is thick enough it might take you a moment to realize she’s not speaking Albanian anymore. 10. Kind of Lame: your waifu is good for you and you enjoy her company but if she hangs out ​ with your friends her awkward attempts to fit in, (or lack thereof) will make everything a little less fun. 11. Congratulations You’re Now A Vegan!: “Remember now honey, no cheating…” ​ 12. Fucking Slob: Things will stay wherever they happen to be when she’s done with them. This ​ includes partially full cartons of milk, snottified­cleanex, etc. You know your term paper is under that pile on/around the couch somewhere, but you’ll seriously consider just writing a new one rather than dig through all of whatever that is. 13. Loose Lips Sink Ships: Were you hoping your parents wouldn’t find out about those DUIs? ​ Did your boss not know you weren’t actually sick last Friday? They do now. 14. Souske Sagara Syndrome: You will be protected… with extreme prejudice. ​ 15. “I seen things, I done things…”: Avoid mentioning Beirut, or that weird birthmark on her ​ gut… 16. “Hey can I borrow some money?”: She’s not a gold digger, and won’t be the least bit upset ​ if you won’t “loan” her a couple bucks, she’s just a financial retard and you know you’ll feel bad if she can’t buy a nice jacket… the winters here are cold as fuck and that windbreaker just won’t hack it. 17. Don’t [x]: She’ll be just the snuggliest, contentest, loviest lady ever; the picosecond you do ​ [x] she’ll make the Cyberdine T­101 look like a bleeding heart hippie who joined the ACLU and voted for Nader. 17.1. 1­10: Touch her hair 17.2. 11­20: Fart in bed 17.3. 21­30: Check cell during conversation or in movie theatre 17.4. 31­40: Practice Idolatry 17.5. 41­50: Fail to yield right­of­way 17.6. 51­60: Fail to cite a reliable source after making an assertion that cannot be considered “common knowledge” 17.7. 61­70: Serve white wine in a thermos 17.8. 71­79: Watch your anime dubbed 17.9. 80: Player’s choice 18. Arrogant as Fuck: Its important that you know how lucky you are, after all, she settled… ​ 19. Self Esteem is Her White Whale: Prepare to bite your tongue as she apologizes for ​ apologizing so often… again. 20. Needs “Me Time”: Occasionally just disappears for hours or days at a time because she ​ “Had some stuff.”: She might be Batman. 21. A Proper Lady: Freaks out when encountering anything “lewd” like sustained eye contact ​ without a chaperon. 22. Penis Evangelist: Won’t stop describing your penis and what you/she did with it that one ​ ​ time to everyone she meets: You must be thrilled to know the gas station attendant really was interested in how your pubic hair is noticeably thicker on the right side. 23. What’s Felching?: Why don’t you go ask your uncle Google. ​ 24. “Kind of” Paying Attention: She knows you are the one for her, but if asked what your ​ name was she’d still say… Steve? Stan? And no she does not remember meeting your mother. 25. Katawa Shojo­y: Roll for brand of disability ​ 25.1. 1­10: Blind 25.2. 11­20: Deaf 25.3. 21­30: Limb deficient 25.4. 31­40: A bit Rain Man­y 25.5. 41­50: ALS 25.6. 51­60: Anosmic: No sense of smell 25.7. 61­70: Un­Sorcerer/Muggle 25.8. 71­80: Leper 25.9. 81­90: ADHD 25.10. 91­100: Diabeetus 26. Grating Laugh: You’d almost rather hear her cry… ​ 27. Shit Taste: Absolutely convinced Universal Century isn’t best Century. “Why is Char’s ​ mobile­suit red, it looks so stupid?” 28. Oh, Let Me Play!: No idea how to play your game and doesn’t enjoy it once you’ve taught ​ her, she’ll still keep trying long after your WoW guild and Dark Heresy groups have started openly discussing how upset you would be if they sold her to gypsies. 29. Last Airbender: She was actually sent here by the sky people to try and convince you to ​ leave Homeapartmentcomplex before they Rolling Thunder the shit out of the place. Bonus ​ Trait: Gain alien trait free. ​ 30. Suspiciously Korean: You are proud of your vidya skills and have carefully honed them ​ since birth… and she will trash your shit without really even seeming to try, manpride be damned. You’ll try to be a good sport about it but clearly can’t stand having her repeatedly knife kill you with that fucking sprinty class. 31. Bad at Sex: She tries real hard though. ​ 32. Captain Spoiler: The Anti­Shyamalan. ​ 33. Grassy Knoll: Shot Kennedy ​ 34. Grammar Nazi: I’m serious she has camps set up and everything. ​ 35. Wants the /d/: (I’d rather not go into any detail on this one.) ​ 36. Admiral Ackbar: It’s a trap! ​ 37. Ludite: You’ll wish she’d just stick to sharp stick and flat rock, clearly she’s not ready for ​ fire or electricity. 38. “She’ll Kill Us All!” Doesn’t wash hands after using bathroom ​ 39. Seriously? We just ran over the dog… Becomes amorous at the worst times. You: “OMG, ​ ​ ​ my dad just called, my mom collapsed and is in the hospital.” Waifu: *bites lip* “Take off your pants…” 40. Once laughed at your penis: (if you lack said penis she instead occasionally implies you’re ​ fat) 41. Bulimic: When she has an In’N’Out burger its really an in and out burger. ​ ​ ​ 42. Sneeze Deluxe: Tendency to shit her pants when sneezing. ​ 43. Awkward Laughter: Never gets the joke. ​ 44. Clingy: When she said she’d never leave your side she didn’t mean it as a figure of speech. ​ 45. In Your Hour of Greatest Need: Never puts fresh roll of toilet paper on the thing when she ​ uses the last of it. 46. Can’t Swim: deathly afraid of water ​ 47. Chain Smoker: Oh well at least second hand smoke is totally harmless. ​ 48. Hyper­competitive: If that’s what it takes she’ll start injecting anabolic steroids and quit her ​ job so she has extra time to work on her ping pong skills until she can finally beat your uncle. 49. Diet Weeb: Thinks she can speak Japanese, totally can’t ​ 50. Can No Longer Maintain Eye­Contact: Writes fapfics in which she ships people you both ​ know IRL, including immediate family members. 51. Ashamed of You: Still insists you’re “Just good friends.” ​ 52. Je­rry, Je­rry, Je­rry: Jerry Springer frequent­flier ​ 53. Steve Buschemi: Doesn’t tip ​ 54. Hoarder: She gives a hoot and thus does not pollute. ​ 55. Expectations: Former boyfriend was better at sex than you. ​ 56. Phoning It In: Bad at faking orgasm. ​ 57. Perfectly Rational: Won’t go to the doctor because she’s afraid of needles. ​ 58. Scrapped Waifu: Destined to bring about a dark age of untold woe and suffering as was ​ foretold in the prophecy. 59. Strikes Fear Into The Hearts of Men: Known for her farts; stories are told of them… The ​ National Weather Service has started naming them. You have to keep NBC gear stashed strategically around your apartment. When she enters a room people who have not met her are told to “Save the children first.” 60. Snugglypoopers: gives you a pet name you hate, never calls you anything else. ​ 61. Don’t even get her started on your mother… 62. On the Lamb: She didn’t always go by the name you know, it’s what you might call an ​ assumed identity. All you need to know is that she loves you and that SHE’LL NEVER GO ​ BACK! They’ll never take her alive! 63. Cleptomaniac: She steals things… a lot. ​ 64. State’s Evidence: In Witness Protection Program. ​ 65. Harpies: All of her friends treat you like shit; she insists they’re just “giving you a hard ​ time.” 66. Fuck Housing!: Her credit rating isn’t even a number, just a video of someone curled­up ​ alone in the corner of a dark room weeping. 67. Duty Is Heavier Than A Mountain, Death Lighter Than A Feather: Must uphold her ​ family’s honor even unto death. You’ll frequently be required to act as her second in duels. 68. Streets Ahead: Just found out about rickrolling. ​ 69. Justice for Greedo! #Rodian lives matter!: Social justice warrior but only where fantastical ​ races are concerned. 70. Rare Speech Defect: renders her incapable of anything but Jar­Jar­speak. ​ 71. Harriet: posts everything that happens to her/you on facebook and twitter, even that time ​ you couldn’t get it up. 72. EMP: Loses all your cellphone chargers. ​ 73. Saving is For Bitches: Likes expensive shit. ​ 74. Poser: Constantly complains about how War and Peace is far better than this pablum you’re ​ watching/whatever your friends are talking about. Hasn’t actually read War and Peace. 75. German Suplex: Instead of giving you the silent treatment displays displeasure via German ​ Suplex before transitioning into an arm­bar; absolutely will dislocate your arm if you don’t admit you’re wrong in time, but will call you a pussy if you don’t try to hold out. 76. Don’t Go With That Man!: Has hardcore stalker who needs you “out of the way.” ​ 77. Surprise Chiropractor!: Kicks in her sleep ​ 78. Worth the Wait: Glad that Duke Nukem Forever did the original justice. “It’s the The ​ Empire Strikes Back to the original’s A New Hope.” 79. Cattle Rustling: Gets Tats on impulse leaving you a permanent record of all previous ​ husbandos. Big one on ass says “Property of NPH” 80. Familiar With Chiroptera Habitat Ranges And Thus Cannot Currently Stop: ​ Perpetually blasted out of her mind on hallucinogenics and maybe a hit or five of cocaine. Stores her flare gun in a pig and may or may not have had sex with a space station. Thinks Dr. Seus’s works are a textbook example of photorealism. The most romantic thing she’s ever done was totally freak out and start eating pill bottle lids and dryer lint because she’d wondered if you might just be an abnormally good trip. She once “assisted” the CIA with “some minor dealings” that she can’t talk about for “national security” reason (also because she can’t remember a lot of it and a lot of what she does remember didn’t happen.) 81. Bears An Ancient Curse: 81.1. Anytime someone says Thneed she turns into a Dire­Camel and can only be turned back if someone says “wipper­snapper.” You have to figure that out for yourselves for extra fun times. 81.2. She has zombie hands between 6 AM and 9:30 AM except during Ramadan when she turns into a Leuropleurodon so you have to keep her wet all the time when she isn’t in the water (like in Free Willy). 81.3. Whenever she comes within 20 yards of someone on a cell phone their call drops. 81.4. Communities which suffer her to live among them constantly have caps­lock and num­lock turn on or off for no reason. 81.5. Always gets really poor gas­mileage. 81.6. Is hunted by a mindless, indestructible, and immortal greater land­squid with hooks and blades adorning its tentacles. Fueled by its mindless fell rage and singular purpose you can never hope to defeat the land squid only keep it at bay. It is 70 meters long and its coming is always announced by its squid­call which is indistinguishable from a house remix of Don’t Fear The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult, the similarity is a coincidence. 81.7. Don’t get her wet (tough break there) or let her eat anything after ten o’clock. 81.8. Must dance if there is music. 81.9. Does not have the funk. 81.10. Her toenails, fingernails, and hair grow 45 times faster than the average humans. 81.11. Lives in a world in which Star Trek Into Darkness exists. 81.12. If she should ever marry her husbando will turn the same purple color as the Incredible Hulk’s pants (internal surfaces too which your surgeon will be more than slightly startled to find). 81.13. Any gun she uses will jam. Any time her toilet backs up she’ll be suffering from explosive diarrhea. 81.14. Can’t remember the names of anyone (except fictional characters and Hugh Jackman). Her heart tattoo will say “What’s­His­Face” on it. 81.15. Laughs like Butt­Head from Beavis and Butthead 81.16. She can’t cross open water 81.17. Burns in artificial light. 81.18. Always has Barbie Girl by Aqua stuck in her head 81.19. Cannot use contractions (Which makes finishing both 500­word essays and ​ childbirth harder). 81.20. Every 24 hours she gains the powers of a different one of the more obscure X­men (X­person? They’re coed…) Has discovered that Jubilee’s power was not sparks but continuing to be in so many issues. 81.21. All of her favorite franchises will be rebooted by JJ Abrahms. 81.22. Can’t read unless she reads it aloud. 81.23. Can’t use italics. 81.24. Once a fortnight she turns into Scarlet Johansen and is possessed by the overpowering need to give dudes blue balls. 81.25. During leap years she turn into a Decepticon. 81.26. Every 407 minutes she must punch someone in the face. 81.27. Must correctly enter captcha before speaking. 81.28. Where escalators are present she may only change floors using the wrong one. 82. Drag King: A little TOO into that song from Mulan. ​ 83. “Don’t Be Such A Pussy.”: Wants to join a couples Russian­Roulette league. ​ 84. Expect No Quarter: Does not abide by the tenants of the Geneva Convention. ​ 85. Not So Much Heard As Felt: Has no inside voice. ​ 86. Kenny: Can’t tell what she’s saying. ​ 87. Yiffy Skippy: She’s what one might call… a revolting­ass furry. ​ 88. Is a Beholder: Having eyes only for you doesn’t sound so romantic anymore. Note: If ​ ​ selected must fill an additional trait slot with the Bonus Hidden trait “Beholder” This counts towards the Species/Brand of meta­human catagory’s Minimum. 89. Fwoosh!: Prone to spontaneous self combustion. ​ 90. Guest of The NHK: She’s a complete shut­in. ​ 91. The Legacy Of Miyamoto Musashi Lives On: refuses to bathe, no exceptions. ​ 92. Exhibitionist: Chews with her mouth open. ​ 93. Cook­Bane: She exagerates things. ​ 94. The Tali Route: As she has spent her entire life in a nearly sterile environment she must ​ wear an environmental suit at all times so she doesn’t catch any of the bajillion illnesses to which she has zero immunity and will be slain by instantly. Note: Selecting this trait adds ​ the trait “I’m Busting Out The Anti­Biotics (lolpun)” to your PTP, it counts towards the Dirty Talk minimum and maximum. 95. They Started It, She Finished It: Gets in fights constantly, you’re beginning to suspect she ​ might be starting it. 96. Ranma Will Pay!: She has no sense of direction. ​ 97. That Guy: She’d better retreat expeditiously. ​ ​ ​ ​ 98. Always IC: Won’t stop LARPing. ​ 99. “No Physical Contact!: She’s currently 5 years into a 40 year sentence in the Super­Max ​ Wing of the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. 100. Flat:

Special Catagory: Critical Hit Table ​ 1­20: Robert Jordan­esque: You are a polygamist but somehow pull it off without upsetting ​ ​ Western sensibilities, Roll 1D4 additional Waifus. 21­40: Sharing is Caring: Waifu is a Bigamist providing you with several Brother­Husbandos. ​ ​ 41­60: Duplex: More than one mind resides in your Waifu only one of which is actually your ​ ​ Waifu, you’ll need to reach some sort of understanding with her “roommates” such as proper protocols for mid­coitus mindswaps. Note: If “Robert Jordan­esque” is rolled on previous or ​ subsequent critical hits your additional waifu’s are the other minds. 61­80: Attack of the Clones: Years into relationship you learn your Waifu is one of a batch of ​ ​ identical septuplets and that they’ve been “taking turns.” 81­100: Extra Personality: Your waifu gain 6 additional trait slots 3 of which must be filled by ​ ​ rolling two foibles and picking between them and 3 of which must be filled by rolling twice on any category and choosing between them.