Vol. 2 Issue 6 April 2006 Monthly

HILLARY-HATING HIPPIES HOLD HOT-BLOODED PROTEST ON CAMPUS Pages 2-3

FACE-OFF: MYSPACE VS. FACEBOOK Page 15

More Previews! Page 10

South Park is funnier, edgier, and more popular than ever and it all comes from two guys who aren’t afraid to say “George Bush F***ing Rules!” Page 11 This Issue Protesters Pressure Clinton

By Jorge Sierra Carmen Trotter, a member of a that what it’s called?” one lady That “you don’t belong Catholic group from New York asked as we viewed rows of here” suspicion popped up again “You don’t belong here!” City. Was she possibly smoothly flag-draped coffins and students as a woman beating a drum heckled an older woman at the setting him up for Big Brother? lying down from the window. asked me why I was interview- Equity Pay for Women event at The authorities and Secret Ser- “It’s interesting.” Anita Halasz, ing “those Hofstra students.” the Staller Center. vice were alert and quite ready a Social Justice Alliance mem- Indeed, counterprotesters Matt This charming dose of ven- to move in, but did not do so. To ber handing out fliers, explained Veres (an Enduring Freedom om was directed, not at Hillary everyone’s credit, the disruption that the organization sought Alliance member) and Connor Clinton, who was moderating was minimal. to show students that Hillary Harrigan had explained that a panel, but at the young male “I thought he was going to Clinton does support the War in members of the EFA were there student who interrupted her, have a heart attack,” I overheard Iraq, and had invited local peace to show that there are conserva- Is the idea of building a wall on our asking how she could speak on a woman say as we were exiting. groups to send volunteers to the tive students on campus. “So southern border really that crazy? a social justice issue when she “I thought he was going to pull event. “We are asking her to their voice means more than was responsible for supporting out a gun.” support the immediate removal ours?” the woman who helped Page 7 the troops’ continued presence “I don’t know what they ex- of troops.” But for the most me interview the SJA member in Iraq, and had done nothing pect Hillary to do,” said another. part, the protest appeared to be fussed. Things got crowded, to stop U.S. acts of torture at “They’re mad at Hillary more of a pro-peace event than and heated very quickly as Jim Guantanamo Bay. He was one because she voted for the Patriot about Clinton. With mostly Lynch, part of the North Coun- of about 30 demonstrators who Act, but so did everybody else.” older demonstrators holding try Peace Group and the Suffolk had stood up one at a County Peace Network, time minutes before and began grilling the stu- turned their backs on dents, who explained Senator Clinton, reveal- themselves and re- ing “Troops Out Now” sponded in kind. They emblazened on their argued over the rhetoric t-shirts. This was the of “Bush is a fascist” and “Act Out” portion of the “Islamofascism.” They Act Out: Die-In protest, traded stories about be- Spotlight on Republican Girls. organized by the Social headings of homosexu- Page 16 Justice Alliance and lo- als in Afghanistan and cal community peace dragging deaths of ho- groups. The indoor mosexuals in America protest was predictable. (yes, conservatives and WTF?! Picture Clinton has been heckled old men are avid readers Extraterrestrial spacecraft lands on a lot at recent events, so of gay websites). Some- until the protesters stood one flabberghasted Mr. campus. up I was craning my neck Lynch by explaining he Page 18 around the room like an was enlisting in the CIA, idiot. Now everyone the drum woman silenced else looked around at the other by pointing to Who Ya Gonna Call? the demonstrators, offi- a woman whose cousin The consertative message behind cers, and Secret Service is a student and in Iraq. agents in the room. Eventually an organizer the movie, Ghost Busters. “Why don’t you go breaks it up: “We need Page 13 to the White House?” more bodies.” another woman asked Despite the passion when the man called out on both sides, even an- Should the Student Activity Fee be again. ger on Mr. Lynch’s part, “How about respecting our The “Act Out” didn’t exact- signs, reading names, walking there was a spark of something mandatory? rights?” ly seem much like what the AIDS around, and banging drums, it that one does not often find in Page 13 (All I did was boo like a group ACT UP used to do, and it was even a little festive. Per- opposing partisans these days. barbarian. These genteel wom- backfired badly with the mostly haps fewer women would have It became an engagement, a test Ted Kennedy’s Drink of the en put me to shame.) older female audience, but it did been perflexed earlier had they battle. The outrage and pride Most people kept their seem well organized. It had to seen this event first, as several of simmered into something else. Month: Red-Headed Intern. cool, and the protester turned be. By conspicously identifying them stopped to ask questions, Respect? A couple’s bantering? Page 19 around again. After the second themselves before disrupting the although student spectators ap- Resignation? time, Hillary seemed to be en- event, the demonstrators may peared perplexed and amused. Eventually the crowd Lacrosse team’s conference win gaging the protestor but was in have saved themselves, and the The oddest sight was several thinned and I took in the rows actuality addresssing a student audience, from serious physical students wearing black garbage of flat and slumped bodies, 70 brings high hopes. questioner: “Would you mind danger. bags, acting as corpses, except in all. Page 20 identifying yourself?” The Outside the Staller Center, they were standing around chat- Brian Holt contributed to protestor identified himself as the Die-In was in full swing. “Is ting. this article.

For the last 200 years, this country has stood for truth, justice, natural rights, individual liberty, freedom, and independence. Become a part of the tradition. Contribute to The Patriot.

Please send submissions to: [email protected] Editor-in-Chief News Editor Staff Writers: Joshua Fritz Erik Berte Erica Smith Nathan Shapiro Christopher Pitera Visit us online at: www.stonybrookpatriot.com Managing Editor Advertising Manager Damon Vetere Rachel O’Brien Chris Dolley Robert Romano Enduring Freedom Alliance: A paper of the Enduring Freedom Alliance: Jason Frank President Erik Berte Design Director Public Relations Manager http://www.ic.sunysb.edu/clubs/efa/ Brian Holt Jason Frank Andrew Curran Vice President Virginia Morgan Jorge Sierra Secretary Rachel O’Brien Disclaimer: The views expressed in the opinions Copy Editors Staff Photographer Davey Jones Treasurer Chris Dolley Megan Gaffey James Davis columns are not necessarily the opinions of The Alyssa Napolitano Chris Pitera Patriot or its editorial staff as a whole. Legal Advisor Virginia Morgan Contributing Photographer Alexsandra Borodkin Brett Denyer Mark Murphy

 The Patriot - April 2006 Equity Pay For Women?

Hillary Gets More Than She Bargained For...

By Chris Dolley failed to pass. the Association of American Uni- opportunities for profitable employ- self,” but it was not clear whom she If the bill were successful, it versities schools, with 36 percent of ment.” was asking. According to Patriot Senator Hillary Clinton’s mo- would allow the Department of La- Stony Brook’s tenure faculty being The website reads that in 2005, writer Jorge Sierra, the protester torcade pulled into Stony Brook bor to set wage “standards” based women. She also mentioned, how- “The median weekly earnings of said his name was Carmen Trotter, on March 23 to speak on a panel on the department’s interpretation of ever, that she gets many emails from women who were full-time wage a member of a Catholic group from about equal pay for women in the each job’s “comparable worth.” women on campus who believe they and salary workers were $585, or New York City. Trotter then turned workplace. The event was held at Essentially, it would replace have been victims of discrimination. 81 percent of men’s $722.” This is 5 his back again. the Staller Center. Other panelists America’s supply and demand sys- Some women, however, don’t cents higher then the figure the panel Meanwhile, a protest was oc- for “Equity Pay for Women” in- tem, in which business owners and believe the gender wage gap is prob- was using. curring outside of the building. It cluded Carol Frohunger, founder of laborers negotiate pay, and instead lem. Shortly after Clinton started was a “Die-in,” where students pre- Negotiating Women; Stony Brook the government would take over and According to a study by June speaking, about 20 protestors in tend they are dead U.S. soldiers and President Shirley Strum Kenny; and set wages. O’Neil, former director of the Con- the crowd stood up and turned Iraqi civilians. Sharon Levin, founder and executive Critics of the bill point to the gressional Budget Office under the their backs to the panel. The words, The organizer of the event, director of Women’s Prerogative. stagnation of Eastern European Clinton Administration, when con- “Troops Out Now” was on the back Chad Kautzer of the Social Justice Senator Clinton served primar- economies after the government trolled for experience, education, of their shirts. One protester inter- Alliance, said, “This is a demonstra- ily as a moderator. implemented wage controls. Some and number of years on the job, rupted the panel twice with shouts tion against the war and occupation. The panelists discussed past call the bill a dangerous step toward women make 98 cents for every dol- that were not understandable from But more specifically, it coincides victories for women, such as the socialism. lar that men make. where this reporter was seated. . with Hillary Clinton’s visit because Equal Pay Act of 1963, which out- Frohunger, founder of Negoti- O’Neil says that, “discrimina- The first time he interrupted was of her support for war and occupa- lawed discrimination against women ating Women, had other suggestions tion almost certainly accounts for when Clinton first began to speak. tion,” he said. in wages and narrowed the gap be- on how women could try to reach some of the gender gap,” but it is not President Kenny, tween genders. There seemed to be equal pay. She said there are five as severe a problem as some make it clearly irritated, a consensus, however, that this law things a women should do during a out to be. told him to respect does not go far enough. A common job interview to higher salaries: Fo- Later on in the event, Senator the panel. Neither statistic used by the panelists was cus on your goals for the interview, Clinton said that women’s struggles the Secret Service that women on average make 76 research what kind of pay the market were not helped when “information nor the police ap- cents of every dollar that men make, is paying for a particular job before on the wage gap was removed from prehended him, but Our Mission: The goal of The Patriot is and they said this has not changed the interview, consider alternatives the Department of Labor’s website” he was not through. to offer an alternative point of view to the for the last 20 years. to taking the job as is, create mul- after the Clinton Administration. After students, pre- students of Stony Brook University. It is “Women feel that if they work tiple proposals for employers, and The audience let out a murmur of picked to ask ques- a paper dedicated to raising awareness of hard and deliver results, somehow anticipate how the other side will discontent. tions beforehand, student issues on campus, and conservative someone will notice,” but this is not react to your proposals. If this was the case, it no lon- were allowed to ask issues on the national scene. While it does the case, said Clinton. You need to “do a gut check to ger is. The Department of Labor’s Clinton questions, not actively seek controversy, The Patriot Clinton said it is necessary to see if you’re being paid right,” Fro- website has these statistics, last he started shouting strives to offer opinions and news that will create “incentives” for employers hunger said. updated on March 22. They can be again. This reporter encourage the students of this campus to ask not to discriminate and pushed the President Kenny added to the found in a section of the Department heard something themselves what their true values are. It is bill, the Paycheck Fairness Act. event by mentioning her own experi- of Labor site called the Women’s about “Guantanamo dedicated to building upon and fostering the This bill is necessary to “ag- ences as the first female chair of the Bureau: http://www.dol.gov/wb/ Bay” and being conservative views that are strong among so gressively pursue gender discrimi- English Department at the Universi- welcome.html, “Catholic” from many of us, yet suppressed in our community. nation,” she said. ty of Maryland, and the first female The Women’s Bureau has a “New York City.” But ideology aside, all of our news will be The Paycheck Fairness Act was President of Stony Brook University. stated mission to “improve the status Clinton, clearly ir- bound to three standards; we will always be introduced by Senator Clinton and She proudly commented that Stony of wage earning women, to improve ritated, asked some- factual, sensible, and reasonable. other Democrats in April 2005. This Brook is in the 97th percentile of their working conditions, increase one in the audience bill, as well as earlier versions of it, female professor employers among their efficiency, and advance their to “identify your-

The Patriot - April 2006  USG Election Night at the Chabad House By Nathan Shapiro called, said the prayer over the tasty unaware of and pleased to learn about. Results 2006 bread and shared it around the table. Among the topics which surfaced As a senate candidate for the USG Then the night’s festivities got under- was how Jewish identity is determined Student Activity Fee: Sophomore Class Reform Party, I have had the opportu- way. on the mother’s side of the family. Voted mandatory Representative: nity to be involved in several exciting Aside from the delectable dinner, As described to us by Rabbi Adam, Jeffrey Akita events, but my favorite had to be when which included the aforementioned the child and its soul forms inside the President: I was invited to join the weekly Shab- challah, salad, pasta, chicken, kugel mother and, if the mother is Jewish, so Romual Jean-Baptiste Senators for the College of bat dinner at the Chabad house. and cake, the night was filled with is the child. Arts and Sciences: I was joined that night by Reform games and discussion. Most of us took After some talk on the subject, Executive Vice President: Matthew Cho presidential candidate Romual Jean- part in a “Whose Line Is It Anyway” we all learned that Rachel’s mother is Amy Wisnoski Tae Kim Simone Grant Baptiste, Reform secretary Alex Mar- improvisation game led by Samantha Jewish, and Alex also has Jewish roots Treasurer: Johathan Hirst kow and the Patriot’s own managing Mandelbaum, for which I volunteered on his mother’s side, therefore making Stephen Hui Anupa Dalal editor, Rachel O’Brien. myself, Alex and Romual to play. them both Jewish. Immediately upon Andrew Weber For those readers who do not It was an improvisational version realizing that three-fourths of the new VP of Academic Affairs: Ketty Dautruche know, Shabbat is the Jewish Sabbath, of the “dating game” where we each guests at their dinner were Jewish, Chinelo Ann Onochie Alexsandra Borodkin the weekly day of rest. Shabbat begins assumed a persona that, by a ques- Rabbi Adam saw it as a sign of divine Ikechukwu Nwabuobi at sundown on Friday night and lasts tion-and-answer session, Samantha providence and we were soon thereaf- VP of Clubs and Matthew Maiorella until sunset the following Saturday. was supposed to guess who we were. ter dubbed “the miracle of three.” Organizations: Robert Romano Ralph Thomas Nathan Shapiro Having been raised as a Jew, I had While I managed to pull off a decent By night’s end, our now mostly- Andrew Curran some understanding of the night and its Kramer from Seinfeld, and Alex did a Jewish party of four no longer felt like VP of Communications: Christopher Dolley meaning, which I shared with my com- fine job impersonating Rabbi Adam, it guests at the Chabad house, but part of Clifford Pierre Zorangina Castillo patriots, but even my understanding was Romual’s impersonation of Steve the group. We thanked the rabbi, and Ryan O’Connor was limited by, among other things, Urkel that had the entire dinner table everyone else, for a wonderful evening VP of Student Life: Christopher Flanagan the fact that I had never attended a rolling in their seats. and left, agreeing with each other that Trevor Hirst “formal” Shabbat dinner with a Rabbi For me, the highlight of the eve- we all had a great time. Senators for the College of before. ning had to be our discussions with The Chabad House hosts a variety Senior Class Engineering and Applied We arrived at what we were told Rabbi Adam, who is both friendly and of functions each semester and, if their Representative: Sciences: Samone Rogers Sheena Joseph was the most ritualistic aspect of the informative. Shabbat dinner is any indication, they Kenny Hoang night. Each participant washed their Among the topics discussed were are worthwhile to attend for Jew and Junior Class hands and, after doing so, was unable Jewish laws and traditions, including non-Jew alike. Representative: to speak until they had a taste of the a fascinating talk about the Jewish And, who knows, perhaps you Onte Johnson homemade challah, the traditional conceptions of the afterlife and their and your friends are actually more Jewish bread. Shortly thereafter, Rabbi versions of heaven and hell.Some of Jewish than you may think. We cer- Adam Stein, or Rabbi Adam as he is which even I, as a Jew, was completely tainly were. www.mmurphyphoto.com Recycling Continues at SBU

By Erica Smith rector Linda Eastman. The $800 prize impressed with the $800 prize. came from their pockets. Vivian, a Mount College resident Usually when people think of The way the contest works is that who declined to give her last name, college dormitories, they think of twice a week, Environmental Club said the money did not motivate her dirty laundry, weird smells, and scat- members check the recycling bins in because “it’s for the building, not for tered beer bottles. As for recycling? each Roth building. Each bin receives me. I’m selfish.” Forget it. But now, things have begun one, three or five points, depending Brian Carfi, a West Apartment to change- or at least when it comes on how clean the bin is. If a bin has resident whose building would be in- to cans and bottles. Recycle Mania, pieces of garbage or bottles and cans volved in recycle mania if the event a two-month competition among the still containing liquid, it will receive goes campus wide, agreed that the Roth Quad dormitories, has changed one or three points. Clean bins get five $800 was not a powerful incentive. both attitudes and habits. points. “The building doesn’t even have “I don’t throw everything away After the student volunteers give anything it could do with $800. Do © 2006 Mark D. Murphy now,” said Seroos Salavati, in his a point value to the quality of the bins, we even have a rec room?” He asked, Cardozo room, leaning back in a com- Recycling and Resource Manage- turning to his friend. “Now if it went fortable looking computer chair. “I’ve ment determines the amount of each right into my pocket...” he added, GOT been made conscious of the choice to building’s recyclables when it picks laughing with his suite mates. Carfi recycle.” them up to take them to the campus also said he would recycle more if And the $800 prize to the build- recycling center. The assessments are the contest were between suites or STONY BROOK ing that recycles the most? “Yea, that combined to determine what building hallways, with the prize being divided had something to do with it,” said is winning each week. among the winners. Salavati with a laugh, adding that he When this article was written, Youdelman said that not only is HOCKEY? wants his building to buy an air hock- Cardozo, home of the Honors Col- it unpractical to bring the competition ey table. lege, was in the lead. to an individual level, but it would Recycle Mania is a national Youdelman, who was wearing a also ignore that recycling must be a competition that currently includes 93 colorful tree frog tie, said he hopes to community effort. colleges in 33 states. Last year, Miami bring the competition campus wide It’s important “to be mindful of University won the trophy with an av- next fall. Since the beginning of the the community as a whole. All of us erage of 71.9 pounds of recycling for event, Roth has seen a 100 percent have an effect that’s quite major,” he each of its students. increase in the amount of recyclables, said, explaining that the campus recy- The Recycle Mania in Roth he said. Extra bins even needed to be cles 2,300 tons a year, materials that Quad, however, is only a “Stony added to some of the dorms. There would otherwise wind up in already Brook version” of the event, and is was also “a real nice improvement” in filling landfills. not affiliated with the national- com the quality, he said. Imagine how much garbage you petition, said Associate Professor of Cardozo Resident James Maier throw out, Youdelman said. “Where © 2006 Mark D. Murphy Marine Science Kamazima Lwiza. said the contest made him aware that does it all go?” he asked, looking at “This is a practice run,” said recyclables need to be rinsed, crushed, me intently. “Whose burden is it?” Lwiza, one of the event’s coordina- and without bottle caps. Why did he tors. change his habits? “Well besides the Note: the March 2006 issue’s article, ONLINE: The contest was planned over $800,” he said with a boyish grin, “I “Recycling: Not Just for Hippies,” winter break by Lwiza, Recycling and realized that contributing bottles not was missing its first paragraph due to www.mmurphyphoto.com Resource Management Manager Mi- prepared is not contributing at all.” a technical mistake. See our website chael Youdelman, and Roth Quad Di- Not all students, however, are to read the story in its entirety.

 The Patriot - April 2006 When you can do this!

Why do this?...

Spring Break Volunteer Work Blogger

By Erica Smith a McDonald’s with its golden arches laying opposed to just community service,” said on the ground, and shopping centers piled Solomon, explaining that Heifer Farm Resigns This April, 45 Stony Brook students with debris- areas that had been neglected makes its educational lessons hard to forget. will spend a week picking up debris and but could easily be cleaned up. “They just “My friend had to fetch yak dung to make digging building foundations in New Or- need people to help,” Scavuzzo said. fire, because in Tibet it is too cold to start a By Erica Smith leans, their nights spent packed in a church In 2005, 12,700 students spent their fire. Here we don’t think about that, we just classroom on air mattresses and in sleeping spring break working with Habitat for Hu- turn on the stove,” she said. A new conservative blogger for the bags. Their mission? To help rebuild a city. manity. It is probably the most well known This is the second year that Solomon Washington Post website was forced to resign The trip, organized through Habitat alternative for spring break. Other programs has organized a group of Stony Brook stu- March 24, after being accused of plagiarizing for Humanity, is one of the many “alterna- are more unusual. dents to attend Heifer Farm. as a college journalist. Ben Domenech, 24, co- tive spring breaks” that have become in- Fifteen-hundred miles away from Lou- Stony Brook students’ enthusiasm for founder of the conservative web site RedState. creasingly popular among college students. isiana, 14 other Stony Brook students will alternative spring breaks is underlined by org, had just starting writing for the post’s blog Each year, more students choose to spend spend three days in Massachusetts waking the waiting lists for the trips to both New “Red America” when the liberal publication, their spring break doing community service at dawn to milk cows, feed livestock, and Orleans and Heifer Farms. Interested stu- Salon.com made the charges. instead of the traditional partying in tropical harvest crops. They will live in conditions dents are not concentrated in certain parts This should serve as a subtle reminder to destinations. that replicate impoverished countries, in- of the campus community, but instead come all of us. Sometimes we forget that what we do Jenny Wang, lead organizer of the cluding Uganda, Thailand, Peru, Tibet and from “literally everywhere,” said Wang. as college students can come back years, even New Orleans trip, has no regrets about her Guatemala and participate in educational Last spring, 38,000 American students decades later, to tap us on the shoulder. vacation plans. “So many students wake up workshops. These activities are designed choose to spend their vacation at more than And this goes way past committing a after of a week of getting drunk and won- by the organization Heifer International to 450 alternate spring break sites in the Unites crime. It also applies to the simple expression der, ‘What did I do for a week?’” she said. raise awareness about global poverty while States and abroad, estimates Break Away, of opinion. How often are a politician’s forgot- “These students are going to know they exploring the causes of and solutions to a nonprofit organization based at Florida ten words thrown at him in accusation? Even made a huge difference.” world hunger. State University in Tallahassee. While this at Justice Alito’s recent confirmation hearings, When Kenny Eng, a soft-spoken busi- When the three days are over, the stu- is only a tiny fraction of 16 million college the most minute details of his past were put in ness and economics major, first learned dents will spend the rest of their vacation in students in the United States, it is more than the spotlight. And you can bet that we will see about the trip to New Orleans, he said he Boston working in soup kitchens. a 50 percent increase from five years ago this more often in the future as technology al- jumped at the chance to sign up. “Not a lot This trip was organized by Levy Solo- But do these students feel that they are lows us to preserve more information. of the activities I’m a part of help people,” mon through Miracles on Long Island, a missing out on a real vacation? So the next time you go to type that edi- he said. “I wanted to do something for recent addition to Stony Brook’s student Scavuzzo said that that although a part torial, whether you’re with the Patriot, Press, someone else.” organizations. Solomon founded the club to of her would love to join other college stu- Independent, Black World, or the Statesman, Rosie Scavuzzo, one of the coordina- promote community service while bridging dents at beach resorts, she will be consoled remember: It may be just for fun now, but it tors for the trip, said that when a friend came cultural gaps. by the 80 degree weather in Louisiana. “I may become much more serious later. back recently from Louisiana, he described “We really stress service learning as just want sun,” she said longingly. You may come to regret it.

The Patriot - April 2006  Opinions

The University Bans Hebrew B e n Hammer on U.S. Military answers Recruiters Unwarranted

By Byung Min Sa will not be enough. As much as the military wants to meet the individual America Recently, there has been a de- needs of the soldiers, the military cent amount of complaints across can never make compromises. That Dear Hebrew Hammer: college campuses to cause quite a would cost them their integrity and stir. The cause is the U.S military decrease their effectiveness. If any- Hey Hammer! This is your old pal, Calvin! You remember, Calvin Klein, from high school!!! Anyway, I “discriminating” against people who thing causes the military effective- took off from my busy schedule and tried to become more news-savvy. The problem is, the more and more are openly gay. It’s such a huge is- ness to diminish, it needs to be dealt I watch the news, the more and more the current situation in Iran scares me. How can a man like Mahmoud sue that universities are attempting with immediately. With the fall of Ahmadinejad, who calls himself a world leader dress so shabbily? I mean, the guy wears old suits, never, to ban recruiters from coming onto military effectiveness, incidents like ever wears a tie, doesn’t comb his beard, and has a $2 haircut! On top of that, he is butt-ugly! When I their campuses. I guess they don’t 9/11 wouldn’t be so bad because first saw that filthy terrorist’s mug on TV, I almost fainted! I mean, he is nothing like our handsome, well- think we need a standing army to right after it would be 9/12, 9/13, dressed, well groomed President, George W. Bush! keep America’s enemies at bay. etc. Perhaps we could just try asking Understand the lifestyle of the Calvin Klein Al Qaeda nicely to cease hostilities American soldier. It’s not about big CK Designs, Worldwide against the U.S. Anyway, the pro- comfortable living where the biggest testers who are against the military concern is about catching the latest The Hammer Says: recruiting on campuses are using the episode of “24” on TV. Soldiers live word “discriminate” on an asinine in cramped quarters with little or no Calvin, you stupid Jew! I know you mean well when you try to pretend to have a grasp on world politics, level. We might as well claim that privacy. They use communal facili- but this idiot president of Iran wants to kill me, you, and every other Jew! Just keep supplying my suits, and the U.S military is also “discriminat- ties, often showering in full view of I will keep on protecting you from that anti-Semitic German prick next door, Hugo Boss. By the way, your ing” against people with flat feet, other soldiers and sharing the other winter line made me and my boys look absolutely magnificent this Hanukka. people who are color blind, people bathroom facilities. Sometimes they who have missing limbs and people sleep huddled with each other in the who failed the standard ASVAB test field to share body warmth or the (a test to ascertain a person’s level fact that they have no other option of intelligence and comprehension). due to cramped living conditions. Limits of Educational Reform Does the military also discriminate Now imagine throwing a homosex- against people who are overweight, ual individual to that equation who By Jorge Sierra ors and social workers. New York dents out of resources necessary to weak and old? Preposterous! is sexually aroused by incidents like City has laid off paraprofessionals, child development that test scores The truth of the matter is that that. The moral and psychological In January 2002, President closed cafeterias during summer cannot measure. the military does everything they can effects on the other military person- Bush signed the No Child Left classes, and still has schools with Even more disturbing than to stop discrimination. I challenge nel would be devastating. Behind Act of 2001. Later that a shortage of computers and other budget cuts are cutbacks in time. anyone to walk into a U.S military Now I’ve heard the argument same year, New York City Mayor school supplies. A 2002 report Where decades ago gym classes base and look at the personnel in uni- before that if a certain homosexual Michael Bloomberg won unprec- by the Public Policy and Educa- were given daily, now students only forms. You will see a diverse medley individual has strong control over edented control over city schools tion fund also cites extracurricular take gym once or twice a week. of different last names, skin colors their sexual desires it shouldn’t be a from the state legislature. Though cutbacks in New York City public Yet to meet the dual demands of and genders (granted there are only problem. Well let me ask you this. ostensibly colorblind, both poli- schools due to an inadequate state the city and the federal govern- two). Equal opportunity representa- I’m telling you that I have a strong cies target the failure to provide education budget. ment, New York City schools have tives are available in every unit rang- control over my own sexual desire. students from minority and low- Given the disastrous example recently mandated an extra 37½ ing from the highest commander to Would it then be permissible for me income communities with a quality of the Washington, D.C. school minutes of instruction for some the lowest Non-Commissioned Offi- to walk into the ladies locker room education and are clearly intended district (still failing, and spending students. Recreational after school cers. Religious accommodations are and share the shower room with oth- to combat intergenerational pover- over $11,000 per student in 2005), programs are being replaced by af- given at every opportunity possible er females? Where I would be able ty and inequality. This educational and the short term local and na- ter school tutoring. But is fostering (Keyword: Possible). I recall having to observe their firm, tone, athletic double-whammy has put tremen- tional improvements in test scores, academic learning the only goal of kosher meals being delivered to sol- bodies completely naked, lathering dous pressure on New York City it’s hard to take complaints about our schools? I think there is some- diers who could only eat kosher/ha- themselves with soap, observing public school teachers and prin- funding seriously. I also complete- thing much greater at stake for this lal foods and this was in the middle their hands go about their bodies in cipals to push student test scores ly agree that with the increasing de- nation’s children than their intellec- of a war! ways that would never be acceptable up, at the risk of neglecting other mands of the job market, students tual development. There must be Affirmative action also has no in the public view? After that would children’s needs recognized by will need to learn very specific a place for emotional, social, and role in the military. If you deserve a I then be allowed to huddle with schools and communities; needs skills to succeed in adulthood. But moral development, both for stu- promotion, you will get it. Regard- a group of females to share body that require desperate attention in money is only one resource, and dents who will succeed and those less of age, sex, religious preference heat? Would I be allowed to do all those same communities targeted academic prowess is only one mea- who will fail academically. What and skin color. People want to claim this because I made a claim to you by education reform. sure of child development. Stu- kind of generation are we creating the military is a “discriminating” that I have a strong control over my The National Education Asso- dents need opportunities to explore if we teach people how to read, cal- machine. Nothing could be further sexual desires? (I say we judge these ciation (and many others) is critical creatively and interact positively culate, and reason but not to feel, from the truth. universities to similar standards that of the No Child Left Behind Act with peers in an environment that enjoy, and relate to others? The only reasons I could think they judge the military.) for not providing enough funding doesn’t depress them. They need A few days ago I met a young why people say the military is “dis- Come on, let’s use some com- for schools to do what it takes to to learn right from wrong, and a re- man on the LIRR who was selling criminating” is because either they mon sense here. I do believe that avoid the executioner’s axe of be- spect for the country and communi- candy to fund raise for basketball don’t understand the military or they the military should have civilian ing tagged a “School in Need of ty that they live in. Budgetary cut- uniforms for some kind of “Boys just don’t like the military at all and oversight but it should be done from Improvement.” For example, Yon- backs on activities such as sports, and Girls Basketball” tournament, will look for any excuse to tarnish a distance so that they may operate kers, NY, is spending more money art, and music, on investments in probably a youth club rather than its reputation. Hopefully I will be with full effectiveness to keep our on test preparation, while drastical- technology and school repairs, and a high school team. That’s ex- able to help clear up these misunder- country safe. Even at the cost of ly cutting extracurricular activities on school support staff, not to men- standings. First, the fact that these their own lives as unfortunate as that and eliminating teachers and sup- tion already existing inadequacies people want to serve their country is may be. Now if you’ll excuse me, I port staff such as guidance counsel- in many schools, are cheating stu- Continued on page 14 greatly appreciated. Yet sadly, that need to take a cold shower.

 The Patriot - April 2006 If You Build It They Won’t Come

each year, and the rise of health costs welcome the addition of more border Border Patrol in America can be partially attrib- security.” She must have been drink- Chris Pitera uted to the mass illegal immigration ing with Teddy before she gave that Satire by Damon Vetere If playing as one of the good movement. statement because her thumbs down guys is your thing, the illegal im- Illegal immigrants will equal vote for a Department of Homeland From the creators of Dance, migrant campaign has loads of more reliance on healthcare assis- Security spending bill said otherwise, Dance French Revolution and excitement. Using fellow illegals, Nearly five years ago, the Unit- tance, such as Medicaid, and thus which, according to the Washington Where in Time is Osama bin you must create traps for the bor- ed States suffered one of the most higher taxes and insurance premiums Times, would have funded plans for Laden? comes an all-new action/ der patrol, hide in bushes, and heinous attacks that have ever been for “the rest of us.” What is it going 2,000 new Border Patrol agents and adventure game: Border Patrol. throw rocks at oncoming cars to carried out on domestic soil. Today, to take for Congress to stop grand- more than 5,000 new detention beds Choosing to play as either the evil, cause distractions! Each illegal is however, our borders remain a vul- standing on these issues of border to house illegal aliens. heartless border patrol agents or equipped with spam and a whiffle- nerable point of entry for terrorists control and domestic security? We should not be soft on immi- the happy-go-lucky illegal immi- ball bat, but you must find other and illegal aliens. Considering we Maybe Los Angeles has to gration at any expense; after all we grants, players will have to play resources to survive, such as water have the strongest military and the be subject to nuclear devastation, are dealing with homeland security. through intense campaigns that or new pants. greatest technology that exists, it is healthcare costs too expensive for At a time when terror cells are anx- will rock them to the core. Taking the game online is certainly embarrassing that hundreds the average American to afford, or iously waiting to deploy right here When choosing to be a bor- where the fun really is. You can of miles between Mexico and Ameri- even another felony against an inno- in America, more are flooding in ev- der patrol agent, your sole objec- choose to play as either side, and ca remain unsecured. Volunteer mili- cent American citizen. It is negligent ery day because of the lack of bor- tive is to prevent the illegals from it’s a mad dash to the Rio Grande tia men are improperly equipped with of the Congress and the President to der security. This congress has been entering the country - by whatever River. If all the illegals cross the obsolete equipment, and the National sit idly on this issue, while tons of spending money onerously, and I do means necessary. As a border pa- river they win, but the border pa- Guard is stretched so thinly across suspected terrorists cross the border fault Bush for not acting on this issue trol agent, you will be equipped trol can use secret weapons such as the Mexican-American border that it each and every day. tougher and more expediently. The with tazers, barbed wire, night-vi- George W. Bush’s Hurricane Ma- is as if they are not even there. There There are economical issues American people want to be safe, and sion goggles, and rocket-propelled chine to dislocate them. have even been reports of marine- that are worth considering, namely it should be a priority of the American grenades. Each agent will be able Border Patrol will be in style troops with automatic assault our agricultural economy, which is government to protect its citizens. to ride an ATV, or hop on the back stores when Hillary takes office, so rifles in the dark of night mobilizing very dependent on immigrants. That The issue is hot, and each party of a pickup truck for intense turret- keep your fingers crossed and your and entering America forcefully by is fine, but they should be document- is afraid of losing the Hispanic vote, style missions. socks dry. gunpoint. These individuals do not ed and paying taxes like all legal especially with congressional and represent the average immigrants American citizens. And frankly, I presidential elections forthcoming. fleeing for economic prosperity and am tired or the far-left rhetoric blast- Politics should not be played when it SI... FLY healthcare. ing conservatives of being racist and involves homeland security, and the According to the U.S. Depart- discriminating against the illegal im- party who takes the initiative to se- ment of Homeland Security, 139,000 migrants. According to Hillary ‘Rot- cure the border will walk away victo- of the 1.1 million people apprehended ten’ Clinton, “This administration riously. Homeland security is a prior- on the border in 2005 were criminal has failed to provide the resources to ity for many Americans who believe aliens seeking to illegally reenter the protect our borders, or a better sys- that sealing our borders is essential United States. More than 25 billion tem to keep track of entrants to this and of utmost important in securing dollars of narcotics cross the border country.” She further complained, “I the victory in the war on terror.

Women’s History Month on Wrong Track Enduring Freedom Alliance

mostly accounted for by many women’s choice Presents: to place family first. One study that confirms Erica Smith this, done by June O’ Neill, former director of the Congressional Budget Office under the The First Annual Clinton administration and CUNY Professor of Economics, showed that when controlled for Alexander Hamilton Women’s History Month is on the wrong experience, education, and number of years on track. A poster pasted all over my dormitory the job, women make 98 cents for every dollar Dinner Banquet reads, “Can you imagine life without drip cof- that men make. fee, pink champagne, pulsars, solar heating, There are also about 40 careers in which ice cream cones?...You don’t have to, wom- women routinely earnmore than men; including Wednesday, April 26 en invented them!” Ice cream cones? Pink aerospace engineering (111 percent of men’s champagne? Should I be feeling some sort of wages) and speech pathology (118 percent). pride? Even never-married female college professors 7:00pm This poster is one of the many examples make 145 percent of their male counterpart’s of people trying to portray woman’s history as salaries. And the future is looking even better SAC Ballroom B something it is not. Because of societal oppres- with females attaining the majority of bachelor sion, women were generally not engaged in in- and master’s degrees. tellectual pursuits until recently. Despite this, The advancements of American women, efforts like Women’s History Month tend to however, are not representative of the rest of exaggerate the importance of women’s intel- the world. On the contrary, some countries lectual feats. This is inaccurate, condescend- have regressed. Across the globe, there are ing, and demeaning to what women’s role in many places were slavery, rape, oppression, society truly was. month anyway? Is it to prove women’s worth? and domestic and societal abuse are routine for Since the beginning of time, women were Because I doubt it has changed the mind of those perceived as the inferior sex. And little is confined to the home, primarily to raise chil- any sexist. Is it to somehow make up for the being done. If Women’s History Month is to be dren. I am by no means saying that this is what wrongs done to women over history? If so, it is relevant and productive, maybe this is what it it should still be. In fact, It gives me shivers to a flimsy offering. Many want it as a source of should be focusing on. Not pink champagne. think of it. But to dismiss this role would be pride for women everywhere, but one’s pride I would just like to take this opportunity to say that billions of lives across history have should come from one’s own accomplish- to tell my mom, Lisa Smith, how much I love had no purpose, when it is in fact, quite the ments, not those of strangers. her and how much I truly appreciate the sacri- contrary. How many men became great in this If its purpose is to point out the gender fices that she has made and continues to make society because of their mothers? Wouldn’t inequalities that still exist in America, then it is for me. She is unique in that she always thinks you be different, good or bad, if it wasn’t for no longer necessary. Women are doing pretty of others first- whether it be her husband (and your mom? I know I would. Yet it seems that well on their own. best friend), children, mother, siblings, in- Featuring Acclaimed Women’s History Month ignores this, men- According to the US Department of La- laws, or animals in need. I hope the rest of your tioning it only in scorn. bor, in 2004 women earned on average 80.4 life will be happy and satisfied, for that is what Author Daniel J. Flynn What is the purpose of women’s history cents to every dollar that men made, a disparity your influence has had on those around you.

The Patriot - April 2006  Life, Letters Liberty, and Dear Editor,

I’ve worked on this campus for over 26 years and have never seen a publication make such an impressive debut as The Pursuit of Patriot. Though I’m not really sympathetic to most of its views, I do admire the paper: it’s attractive, and bespeaks a committed, competent, well-meaning staff. I wondered if you could answer this question: just how does a paper like yours, competing with at least three other long- Happiness? term, well-established student newspapers on campus, accomplish such a debut? You have more (expensive ) color photos than any campus paper; you have many, lengthy articles; you seem not to need or use advertising; you have a very polished look; and your publication refers to commercial, politically-oriented websites that somehow seem tied into your production and editorial content in ways that ads in the other papers don’t. By Joshua Fritz Is your paper funded in the same way other campus papers are funded? What kind of outside funding or editorial help is permitted to local campus student newspapers? Does your paper deserve the same sort of distribition on campus as others’, Using historical documents to present a po- based on its SUNY sponsorship? sition in the current day may seem pointless, but I have no objections whatever to your publication or your editorial stance; in some ways it’s been a long time coming, and its relevancy proves to be an anchor to an ongoing I welcome it. I’m just wondering how it appeared so suddenly full-blown and competitive. Thanks. argument. Abortion has been one of the most im- portant issues when it comes to choosing leaders for public office. Without the history of our great country, where would we be today? The Declara- tion of Independence was written by then states- men Thomas Jefferson, who believed all people I really appreciate your complements on The Patriot. We’ve worked really hard over the last year to get it where it is today. were born with “unalienable rights endowed by I’ll do my best to answer your questions: their Creator.” These rights are “life, liberty and the As far as competing with the other major papers on campus, we have an advantage in that we are filling a niche that hasn’t pursuit of happiness”. been filled by them. Though there are a handful of conservative writers for The Statesman (and even fewer, if any, for The As with the Constitution, the Declaration Press). We are the first paper on campus with a primary objective of reaching out to conservative, libertarian, and middle-of- of Independence, although political in its history, the-road students, while at the same time including stories that any student would enjoy. provides ample proof that today the rights of the Personally, I view the papers on campus in the following way: The Press is definitely a left-leaning paper, The Statesman unborn are denied. Why? There is no life to be tends to be dominated by campus news and a few editorials with views from both sides, and The Patriot is the right-leaning lived, no liberty, and no pursuit of happiness. A paper. Each paper has its own role on campus and has a different audience, with plenty of overlap, obviously. child should have everything to hope for in this We’re not really the only paper with color photos on campus. Last year The Statesman was in color and The Press always country . A chance to live the expression known has a color front and back page. I believe Blackworld also uses color on the front and back pages. as the “American Dream” where one can pursue Our many lengthy articles are from the many conservative-leaning students that are in a way fed up with the liberal-domi- one’s goals and become educated to move upward nated culture on campus. Our writers are very dedicated and passionate about what they write. socially, and economically. These very dreams we The layout has been evolving since our first issue and improves with each issue as I learn how to better use our layout have now, have been denied to millions. software. But I think it’s one of the best features of our paper, and I try my best to keep in on par with not only other campus South Dakota has passed legislation to outlaw papers, but with the national papers as well. abortion except in the case of a birth that would be Our funding is very much the same as other papers on campus. The paper is paid for by the Enduring Freedom Alliance, detrimental to the mother’s life. Many organizations which is a club on campus. It’s a little different in that the paper is only one thing the club does as a whole, while the mission such as the ACLU are watching carefully so they of The Press, for example, is solely to publish their paper. Any and all outside funding is allowed for campus papers and clubs. can wage a court battle, revoke the law, and have We’ve received a couple of grants and we’ve gotten some revenue from advertisements from local businesses in Stony Brook. the “landmark” case (Roe v. Wade-1973) enforced. However, at this point our paper is funded mostly by the school. Governor Mike Rounds (R-SD) has signed the law Anyway, thanks for reaching out and I’m glad to see that you admire our paper. to be in full-effect by July 1, 2006. Should the time come, there will be a court battle. South Dakota, Sincerely, a conservative state, has passed laws to curb abor- Erik Berte tion rates and has done so since the Roe case. The Editor-in-Chief very thought of banning abortions has been the talk The Patriot of media outlets since the confirmation of the Su- preme Court’s Chief Justice John Roberts, and As- sociate Justice Samuel Alito. This law enacted in South Dakota could bring either a reversal to the case or a fierce enforcement of precedent. The laws of the land matter, and the representation of the people matter. A Replacement for Displacement The Declaration of Independence, directed to- ward the British crown, initiated a war for human liberty and sovereignty apart from foreign control. This is one of the oldest questions America in 2003 as an Evolution 8, but it Likewise, this law in South Dakota, has answered in the book. For years, the general con- has been in Japan for over a decade. The the cry for human life, and liberty, from foreign sensus has been that if you want to have Evolution uses a 2.0 litre, turbocharged Jason Frank (political) control. Life, liberty and the pursuit of a motor produce high amounts of torque 4 cylinder engine. Despite the engine’s happiness should be a gift to all of humanity. Amer- and horsepower, you needed to increase tiny size, it produces 286 horsepower icans that are for the murder of innocent babies, its size. This makes sense, since the more and 276 ft/lbs of torque. This is enough deny that precious gift given by our Creator. By air and fuel you burn, the more power to propel the Evolution from 0-60mph in run the quarter mile in 9.4 seconds at 145 continuing this deprivation of life, the United States you make. However, within the last 10- 4.6 seconds, and to complete the quarter mph back when it had “only“ 700 horse- of America will fall considerably among the global 15 years, there have been great advance- mile at about 13 seconds flat. To put those power at the wheels. That is well beyond community. The very rights promised since the in- ments in the ways you can increase power numbers into perspective, that’s about as the speed of any factory production vehi- ception of this country, have spread to other nations from a gasoline combustion engine. fast as a Porsche Carrera S, faster then the cle ever produced, including the Mclaren influenced by our national philosophy of ensuring The most prominent tool capable of 2004 Chevrolet Corvette, and it blows the F1 and Bugatti Veyron. the rights of all people. Hypocritically, the United this is a turbocharger. A turbocharger is doors off of a Nissan 350Z. So, what is the compromise? Well, States has gone the other way, by killing babies a device that uses spent exhaust gasses to Those numbers are for an Evolution a small motor will eventually reach its without thought. What message is the United States spin a turbine, which in turn pressurizes in stock form. However, hardly anyone limits when it comes to how large of a sending by enacting laws contrary to our national air and forces it back into the motor. This that owns an Evolution will leave it as turbo it will be able to make power with. philosophy of ensuring rights to all? pressure combined with the mass of the such. AMS Tuning of Chicago has a Also, the larger the turbo and smaller With the passing of this legislation and the air will force a motor to combust for air street legal Evolution project car. Cur- the motor, the greater the delay in power considerations of other states, the eyes darkened by and fuel, thus resulting in more power. rently, they have achieved roughly 800 delivery, also known as turbo lag. The the blindness of stripping life away, will be opened. A turbocharger allows much smaller horsepower at all 4 wheels. Using a 20 point remains, though, that small motors Mental scars will be healed, in seeing life chosen motors to compete with large domestic percent drive train loss, that’s over 950 can most definitely make serious power, over murder. The very peace that comes from the V8s. One of the best examples of turbo- horsepower. The motor is still 4 cylin- and on many occasions, can outmuscle Creator will be enjoyed by all, and that is called charge usage is the Mitsubishi Lancer ders, and the car is still street legal. It domestic V8 blocks that are sometimes happiness. Evolution. The Evolution debuted in is simply amazing. This car was able to double and triple in size.

 The Patriot - April 2006 RAs Deserve Better

The merciless, high pitched screech not leave the building except briefly to of the phone rouses me from sleep. My eat), checking residents in and out at right eye slowly creeps open, and I read the beginning and end of the semester Brett Denyer the blurry time on the clock next to my (requiring extensive finals week duty bed: 3:15. “Mmmprh.” Oops, try again. hours, often making it difficult to study), “He-hel-hello?” I manage to croak on various in-services, attending LEG the second try. “Oh, the frat guys are at it meetings, homecoming/spirit week ac- add another 15 hours. Again, for some again?” I hang up the phone, cursing an tivities, and then, once school is over, RAs these figures will be low, depend- incoherent blue streak. I throw on some staying a week after everyone else has ing on how many hours they work dur- accoutrements slightly more reputable left—with no hot water. Ah yes, the in- ing spring break and finals week, or how than my moth-eaten, vintage 1998 Aus- numerable joys of being an RA. But my rowdy the residents are in their build- tin Powers boxers and trudge, still half- experience as an RA has left me with, ings. asleep, to the other side of the building. in addition to a bad taste in my mouth, Now that we have some idea of the Shut up, or else. If I am not clear enough, a question that many people have asked total hours worked, what about compen- I am sure the police would be more than me: was it worth it? sation? RAs are given free housing and willing to convince you. Slam. I trudge To answer this, I would first like to a meal plan subsidy. In Tabler Quad, the SPECIAL PUBLIC back to my beautiful accommodations, estimate how many hours an RA works cost of a premium room is $2600, and BATHROOM EDITION! crawl into bed, and wait for the phone on average during a semester. This will the meal plan subsidy is around $300 to ring again, this time with some num- vary from building to building depend- (though it is only $150 for new RAs), skull who managed to lock himself out ing on how many staff members there for a total of $2900 (for second year of the building, his suite and his room are, how strict the hall director is, and RAs). Dividing $2900/514 hours gives (the simple task of keeping track of a how many residents there are per RA. an average hourly wage of $5.64, barely People that exaggerate the necessity of key is apparently too much for a lot of Conservatively, I would estimate this over minimum wage, and certainly less 1. people). Are you jealous yet? to be around 515 hours, or on average than the prevailing wage for many jobs washing your hands: You know the people In addition to being kept up by 32.125 hours per week. This may sound that college students work in the local that look at ya funny after you do your idiots who get their kicks from breaking high, but once a week, RAs are on duty area. For example, Target pays its begin- business and then just walk out the door. I windows and tearing down our bulletin for 13.5 hours (or 216 hours per semes- ning cashiers $6.50 per hour. mean most of the time I don’t even get any boards, RAs are also responsible for be- ter). Also, weekend duty several times This also pales in comparison to on my hands, so what’s the big freakin deal ing on duty one night per week (from per semester adds at least 96 hours (two RA compensation at other schools. I here? This is America people. America! It’s 7PM to 8AM), being on duty two to days, or 48 hours x two), and staying af- have yet to hear of another college or a free country and if I don’t want to wash three weekends per semester, working ter finals week for five days on average university that does not give its RAs a my hands then I shouldn’t have to. out a Thanksgiving/Spring Break duty adds 120 hours. Programs add 12 hours free meal plan. Last spring I spoke to an schedule, conducting monthly programs to the semester total, and spring break MBA student here who got her bache- for their residents, hall meetings, being duty adds 48 hours, though many RAs lor’s degree at SUNY Albany. She said I also can’t stand the fact that every time available to moderate conflicts between end up working more than two days. that when she was an RA there, she re- 2. I choose the last urinal of an empty row residents should they arise, serving on Committee meetings account for anoth- (clearly stating that privacy is important to a committee in their respective quads, er six, and random tasks such as conflict Continued on page 14 me) some douchebag always comes in and weekend duty (during which they may mediation, and homecoming/spirit week starts peeing in the urinal right next to me anyway. And you know, the guy not only turns out to be an “eye wanderer” but his spray-back gets all over the freakin place Everything Causes Cancer! too. 3. People that sing or whistle while taking logic, for something to cause cancer it crowave, you wouldn’t get cancer! All of a dump: Come to think of it, I’m just as would have to damage your DNA. Cell the water inside of you would heat up and guilty of that as the next guy so, uh…never Erik Berte phone radio signals can’t do that. you might explode or something, but you mind then. To understand why, one needs a quick won’t get cancer. And don’t worry about physics lesson. Scientists use the electro- putting your face close to the microwave; You know those phone numbers that peo- magnetic spectrum to describe different the door in front of it blocks microwaves 4. These days it seems like every time types of radiation. Some examples of radi- from escaping anyway, so you won’t get ple always scratch into the toilet stall’s you read the paper or watch the news you ation are visible light (remember ROYG- burned or anything. Trust me; I’ve been walls? They really grind my gears. You find something else that will give you can- BIV? – red, orange, yellow, etc.) FM radio doing it since I was a toddler and I’m still know why? Because, well, uh, every time cer. You can’t drink tap water anymore, (WBLI, Z100), AM radio (for old people alive. I call one of those numbers that say “for you can’t use deodorant, you can’t even to listen to crappy music on), microwaves, So, the same logic follows with cell a good time,” …my wife answers. Well, eat french fries at McDonalds anymore, and X-Rays. Now what differentiates phones, which work with radio waves. either that or some dude named Romone. without worrying that you’ll somehow de- these different types of radiation is wave- Radio waves, just like microwaves are Not really sure what that’s all about and uh, velop cancer as a result. Well I’d like to length. FM radio and AM radio are some longer in wavelength and lower in energy I’m not sure I really want to know either. take a moment here to reassure you that examples of longer wavelength radiation than visible light and cannot penetrate not all of it’s true and a lot of it is blown with lower energy, whereas UV light, your DNA. So don’t worry about chat- out of proportion as a result of media hys- X-Rays, and gamma rays have a shorter ting on your cell phone all night long and Finally, obvious bathroom etiquette rules teria. There really isn’t much evidence wavelength. Now, because of the tiny don’t worry about all those TV and FM 5. would include not only flushing, but also to support the claims for many of things size of DNA (something you can’t even radio waves traveling through the air and cleaning up any messes left behind. Well people say cause cancer. see with a microscope), in order for it to through you; they’re completely safe. not for me. I’m a fat S.O.B. and therefore It seems to be common knowledge be damaged by radiation, it requires some- I guess the lesson learned here is that that cell phones cause brain tumors. We’ve thing that’s very high in energy and short the media tends to generate hysteria over it’s in my very nature to neglect those got radiation shields you can put on them, in wavelength. Just think of how skin can- these sorts of things and when research things. So, to anyone else who does the techniques of holding them that minimize cer is caused by UV (ultra-violet) rays. is done afterwards disproving the claims, same –you’re alright in my book. In fact, I exposure, guidelines of the age of people Basically, anything that has a wave- little coverage is given to it. People hear say get creative. Don’t just miss the target, who should use them, all kinds of stuff. length equal to or longer than that of vis- about this stuff and get all worked up over but take a dump in a sink every now and But a lot of the hysteria has to do with a ible light (microwaves, radio waves, and nothing, really. And then, when some- then. Or, if you get the urge, leave an up- poor understanding of what causes cancer. heat), cannot penetrate your DNA and thing’s discovered that might put them at per decker. Yeah, some might frown upon Cancer, though still not well under- therefore cannot damage it. And right ease, they never hear about it. It’s impor- such action, but one thing’s for sure- You’ll stood, is caused when DNA in a cell is there I’ve already pointed out a myth: you tant that we do a little research on our own never have to worry about Peter Griffin if damaged, causing it to multiply without know, the one about putting your face in and use some common sense when hearing stopping. Normal cells are self-regulated front of a microwave being dangerous. about these things. Otherwise we’re just you do. And when I finally get to the door, and know when they’re supposed to stop The truth is, microwaves are lower in en- giving into the media hysteria and putting these do-gooders get pissed at me for not dividing or slow down. But something in ergy than visible light, so they can’t dam- money into the pockets of those compa- thanking them when the only thing I would these cancer cells (in their DNA) is mess- age your DNA directly. So rest assured, nies that make cell phone radiation shields thank them for is a nasty case of swamp ing up this regulating process. So, by that if you were to be put into a gigantic mi- and the like. ass. The freakin’ nerve of some people.

The Patriot - April 2006  By Damon Vetere for some of the best games of the year, dominate the barren months of April Microsoft seems to have used last through August, but gamers will final- GAMER’S GUIDE Now that the gaming blitz of month to jump-start an incredible line- ly not have to wait until the fall to see March has finally subsided, it’s time to up of games that should carry through- great titles. set our sights on April, because more out 2006. This should excite gamers, April, which is usually regarded games are on the way. If there’s one because it is a true deviation from as the slowest month in video games, thing that has become strikingly ap- industry norms, where the spring and is the first of these months. Instead of parent when looking at the Xbox 360 summer seasons usually see few titles, bringing in the slow season of gaming, release schedule for 2006, it’s that Mi- and even fewer successful ones. April begins where March left off, with crosoft has no plans of slowing down. By breaking away from indus- lots of promise, release dates, and cash Instead of using March as a showcase try standards, not only will Microsoft to spend.

Battlefield 2: Modern Combat Battlefield 2 is a first-person shooter mostly known for its multiplayer compo- nent. Modern Combat has already been re- leased on last-gen hardware, Xbox and PS2, but has seen a makeover for the 360. While the console versions of Battlefield 2 were developed exclusively different from the PC version, the spirit still remains the same: multiplayer mayhem, featuring 24-player battles including tanks, helicopters, and planes just to name a few. Overall, the list includes more than 30 vehicles, and more than 70 weapons, if going it on foot is your fancy. Just don’t get your hopes up. Battlefield 2 isn’t known for its single-player experi- ence, and should be considered only a bonus for picking this title up. If you are looking for an immersive, intense war game, pick up Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter. How- ever, if multiplayer carnage is your thing, then this game has your name all over it.

Release Date: 4/11/06

Tomb Raider: Legend Out: 4/11/06 Farcry Instincts Predator Out: 3/28/06

In case you’ve be able to produce that series freshness that In case you missed first-person shooters is the inclusion of been living under a rock Eidos Interactive (the game’s publisher) has Far Cry on the PC “Feral Abilities”, essentially an animalis- or in a tomb (pun- get been looking for. Overall, the game’s level (2004) or Far Cry In- tic skill set allowing you to maul enemies, it?), Tomb Raider is an design is meant to feel like an action flick, stincts on the Xbox smell fear, and have lightning-fast reflexes action/adventure plat- with intense combat moments mixed with (2005), you definitely and agility. former that features vehicle sections. The game will also include don’t want to miss Far If this doesn’t get your juices flowing, main character Lara puzzles, and the platforming elements that Cry Instincts Preda- maybe the multiplayer will. Included are Croft, an athletic and is expected in a Tomb Raider title. Crystal tor on the Xbox 360. several gametypes, including Chaos, Team beautiful English trea- Dynamics has also redone the combat sys- In this jungle-based, Chaos, Steal the Sample, Predator, and sure hunter . The Tomb Raider games were tem, hoping to add a little speed and acro- first-person shooter you are Jack Carver, a Seek and Secure modes. Returning to this always known for excellent level design, batics to the fray. freelance mariner who finds himself being iteration is the famous Far Cry map editor, exciting action-packed moments, and inter- Legend certainly has the odds stacked hunted in the base of operations for blood- allowing users to create and showoff their esting places to explore. Unfortunately for against Tomb Raider, but hopefully Crystal thirsty modern-day pirates on an island in own multiplayer maps, fully playable on- Tomb fans, some of these elements have Dynamics is up to the challenge of bringing the South Pacific. line. If that’s not enough for you, the origi- been disappearing more and more in every Tomb Raider back to respectability. When The big draw to the Far Cry series is nal Far Cry Instincts game is also included latest Tomb Raider release. To be honest, tomb Raider works, it really works. Killer the intense jungle combat, allowing you with all-new updated graphics. Ms. Croft’s star has faded significantly. visuals and platforming elements blended to interact with the foliage to set traps or So, to recap: modern-day pirates? The franchise certainly has had its ups in with action sequences in exotic locales ambush enemies. As usual, the jungle will Check. Jungle traps and ambushes? Check. and downs. The first few Tomb Raider titles are the reasons why gamers still have hope look better than ever on the 360, including Animal instincts and abilities? Check. Pick- really brought great success to the genre, for this franchise, no matter how small they fully interactive and destructable environ- ing it up March 28th? Check. and Tomb Raider set the bar high for ac- may have become. ments. What sets the game apart from other tion/adventure games during the Playstation era. Unfortunately, Tomb Raider could not find that same success on the Playstation 2, and the latest game, Angel of Darkness, was awful. So after reading all this negativity, you’re probably asking yourself why do I want this game? The biggest reason why is that Tomb Raider: Legend has hopes to redeem the franchise and Crystal Dynamics is now the developer. The studio may

10 The Patriot - April 2006 South Park Republicans!

By Erik Berte

Republicans are becoming cool and you might not even know it. You’ve seen the show, South Park, and laughed your ass off while watching it. You often agree with the points made in the satire. You may very well be a South Park Republican and be complete- ly unaware of it. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s a little background. The term “South Park Republican” comes from the incredibly popular Comedy Central TV show, South Park. You might even be sur- prised to know that the term has a whole page devoted to it on wikipedia.com. Though the show makes fun of both sides of the political spectrum, it certainly “We’ve always been f*** the system punks spends a lot of time ripping on the liberal es- and the only way to be punk anymore is to tablishment, which is something few, if any, into a party and say ‘George Bush f***ing programs on TV did in 1997 when the show rules!’” - Matt Stone first premiered. And when it does criticize the right, it’s usually fundamentalist Christian conservatives that it’s mocking. How does the show accomplish this? It uses the four boys it follows to teach lessons in politics, morality, and hypocrisy by using humor and satire. In most episodes, Kyle or Stan ends the show by saying, “you know, I think I learned something today…” Often times what they learned stemmed from the ridiculousness they witnessed during that par- ticular episode. And more often than not they end up solving the issue in that episode on their own (if political, usually in a libertarian or conservative manner), showing how these ideas come naturally to you when you’re not being indoctrinated and told to think a certain “So, Scientology, you have won THIS way. battle, but the million-year war for Earth So what does this have to do with being has just begun.” - Trey Parker and Matt conservative or Republican? Well, Republi- Stone cans aren’t the nerdy, rich, white Protestants that people often think they are anymore. “We’re not your daddy’s GOP” is a slogan chapters in the U.S. compared to only 903 even the ideas that they support. Just look abs of Britney Spears or Brad Pitt without heard a lot from today’s College Republicans chapters of College Democrats) back at the 2004 Republican National Con- worrying about the nation’s decaying moral chapters all over the country. (An interest- The party has become much more diverse vention, where non-traditional conservative fiber. They strongly believe in liberty,- per ing fact: there are 1,148 College Republicans these days in the types of people involved and politicians like John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, sonal responsibility, limited government, and and even Arnold free markets. However, they do not live by the Schwarzenegger edicts of political correctness.” gave speeches pro- That quote from Stephen W. Stanton, moting the diver- who first wrote about the idea of South Park South Park Vs. Scientology sity of ideas within Republicans, perfectly sums it up. One of the the party. most important features of the show is that it By Stephen Macomber celebrity Scientologists you may Jews, Christians and Muslims. With This emerging is sharply against political correctness. Noth- know are Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators new brand of GOP ing is too taboo to be mentioned on the show, Ladies and Gentlemen, well (recently), and Issac Hayes. of South Park, not budging on the ep- is a lot different and this stuff sells! Just look at the new show, probably more gentlemen then ladies. Now back to the battle of South isode and telling Hayes to basically than the stereotype Mind of Mencia, also on Comedy Central. Children of all ages, again mostly Park vs. Scientology. It started in a suck it up, he quit the show. portrayed by bi- Terms like “wetback” and his signature “dee just teenagers to mid-twenties. Are recent episode called “Trapped in the Even though Hayes quit the ased films and TV dee dee” appear constantly in his skits and you ready for the greatest battle of closet.” In this episode, Tom Cruise show, Matt and Trey needed to write shows in the past. rants. Or consider Drawn Together, an ani- all time? South Park vs. Scientology! comes to South Park. He locks him- him out of the script. They did that Many members are mated mock reality show that makes a habit South Park has taken on so many self into a closet because Ron Hub- in an episode called “The Return of moving in what of poking fun at stereotypes. People are tired great religious beliefs in the past: bard, the founder of Scientology, Chef.” Matt and Trey got really cre- you might call a of leftist political correctness and it shows. Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Mormons, doesn’t think Tom is a very good ative with the voice of Chef. If you libertarian direc- It’s important to mention though, that and even Hindus. And now they take actor. watched the episode you may have tion, especially the there is no specific South Park Republican on Scientology. This episode tears apart all foun- noticed something odd about Chef’s younger ones (col- platform. South Park Republicans have many For those of you who don’t dations of Scientology and questions voice. It was Issac Hayes’s voice, but lege students). different ideas and disagree with each other know what scientology is, here is Cruises’s sexual orientation. Tom being spliced together from other “South Park on lots of issues. But they’re brought together a quick rundown. According to the Cruise, since that episode, has tried episodes. They went on to turn Chef Republicans are on a set of key attitudes and feelings. Stan- website, http://www.scientology.org, to get it off the air permanently. into a child molester, who was later true Republicans, ton writes, “Voting Republican is one of the scientology means “The study of Throughout the years Issac on eaten by lions and bears. Then to though they do not group’s two defining characteristics. The other Truth.” Scientologists don’t believe Hayes, the voice of Chef, has never top it all off they show Chef return- look or act like Pat defining characteristic is a visible disconnect in a god, but instead in a super-be- questioned any of the episodes that ing at the end as “Darth Chef.” Robertson. They from the stereotypical Republican… The car- ing that is in everybody through their rip on any other religious belief. But So if history has taught us any- believe in liberty, toon is just a metaphor. Many South Park Re- own personalities. Drugs are bad suddenly things changed when they thing, South Park will be fine without not conformity. publicans have never seen the cartoon. Maybe (mmmkay?) and can in no way be a hit close to home and tackled Scien- Issac Hayes and will go on without They can enjoy some are fans of the X-Men movies, which part of a scientologist’s life. tology with that episode. He claims him. You can be sure that there will watching The So- make a strong case for Second Amendment The religion has taken a foot- that no one should make fun of any- be many more fights South Park can pranos even if they rights, limited government, individual liberty hold within the Hollywood lifestyles one’s religious belief, but of course pick and many more celebrities to rip are New Jersey of many high profile names. Some he had no problem making fun of apart. Italians. They can appreciate the tight Continued on page 17

The Patriot - April 2006 11 TERRORIST GROUP STILL DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD!

Invaded Emirate of Benzheen to COBRA’S KNOWN take control of oil fields ACCOMPLISHMENTS Cobra Extremists Sparked revolution in Sierro Household cleaning product Gordo undermining U.S. anti- Deny False Rumors pyramid scheme communist efforts in early 1980s of Military Mishaps Sold mindless sitcoms to networks Built weather dominator WMD to futher lower intelligence of Americans Controlled the town of Springfield, USA, and converted it Displays of Violence Armies of Cobra accountants into an underground Cobra base advised millions of Americans to After Mocking of cheat on their taxes, denying funds Repeated this several years later in to government and prompting cuts Broca Beach, NJ in defense spending Their Leader

Satire by Alex Ovtcharenko ----- and do not condone violence, but terrorism” are just our “We, The People of the sover- we can not be responsible for past, reasonable reaction to Cobra Comander I’m sure everyone’s been aware eign nation of Cobra, are outraged by present or future outbursts of anger the satirical portrayal Mock him at your own risk. of the recent cartoon controversies the portrayal of our Beloved Leader if the Beloved Leader Cobra Com- of our Beloved Leader ongoing in Europe and the Middle Cobra Commander (Praised Be His mander (Praised Be His Name) is Cobra Commander (Praised Be His and He does NOT approve of your East. However, unbeknownst to Name) on American television. In further lampooned by you Ignorant Name) in your dastardly cartoons. democratic freedom-loving ways! us or anyone else, another cartoon the devilish cartoon you American Imperialists in any more cartoons! The American Assault by the forces We will continue to infiltrate your controversy is brewing in the world, Devils call G.I. Joe, our Beloved Our numbers are many, our power of G.I. Joe on our beloved homeland borders, attack your infrastructure with possible disastrous results fol- Leader Cobra Commander (Praised comes from the holy one himself, of Cobra Island were responsible for and target civilians until you apolo- lowing it. The following text is the Be His Name) is shown as incompe- the Beloved Leader Cobra Com- creating a Cobra civil war which has gize for your mistakes and accept our mysterious correspondence we in- tent, lazy, cowardly and in various mander (Praised Be His Name) and further divided our people. We will Beloved Leader Cobra Commander tercepted, that explains the latest in situations you Yankee Dogs consider we will NOT accept this “freedom of not accept blindly your misguided (Praised Be His Name) as your God this world-wide phenomenon of hu- “funny”. We are not amused! It is speech” as an excuse to make ANY need to “spread democracy” by sup- and worship Him in the manner He morless rubes expressing their mis- absolutely FORBIDDEN to poke jokes about Him! porting American puppets like the deserves. We appeal to your leader, placed outrage at the free media. It fun, make jokes at the expense of We, The People of COBRA, sententious Serpentor, who wishes George W. Bush to accept Cobra has been transcribed from an audio or portray in any negative way our will not stand for anymore misin- to establish a constitutional repub- Commander (Praised Be His Name) tape that sounds like it was recorded Beloved Leader Cobra Commander formation about our Peaceful Ways. lic in our land! We take our orders into his heart and follow the ways of somewhere underground, possibly a (Praised Be His Name)! We, the peo- We are not terrorists, we are free- only from our Beloved Leader Cobra COBRA!” cave. ple of COBRA are People Of Peace dom fighters. The so-called “acts of Commander (Praised Be His Name), ----- Ideology Vs. Entertainment

By Damon Vetere matter what, you will find yourself Wachowski sister. rooting for V and friends to destroy In the end of V for Vendetta, It isn’t often that a movie that nasty, fascist government! it becomes clear to me that ul- is released that I totally disagree For those inclined to dig a timately, it’s their ideology that with its message and still find a little deeper into the mythologies takes a backseat to overall enter- way to not only enjoy the movie, of V for Vendetta, check out the tainment. Therefore, I strongly but be fascinated by it. This was original comics that it is based recommend the film to both the the case for V for Vendetta. After on (currently available in graphic people who want to be entertained all, from the opening voice-over, novel form). While the film and and the people who want to feel to the closing words, the film man- book have some plot differences, it “changed” afterwards. ages to keep up the anti-American/ is interesting to see just how much anti-conservative agenda. In fact, anti-American and anti-Bush sen- the opening scene spews out some timents were added. Keep in mind, strong words about the demise of the comics came out in the early the United States and never lets up 1980s and the times were much its frequent reminders about how different back then. It’s interesting the steps taken by our government to note that the original creators of today could lead to the eventual the comic wanted nothing to do negation of human rights as de- with the film. But then again, what picted in the film (the war against do you expect with the changes terrorism, anti-Islamic extrem- those wonky Wachowski brothers ists, and even wire-tapping). Yet made. After all, who would expect despite the flawed ideologies, the anything less than questionable film is great. As long as the viewer ideologies from someone in the can manage to shrug off the mind- middle of a sex change operation? set of the film’s writers, he or she Yes, its true people, one of the Wa- will definitely enjoy the film. No chowski brothers is soon to be a

12 The Patriot - April 2006 Student Activity Fee: Just Say No

I hope that by now all of the frantic activity funds, with 70% of the student body welfare checks for their budgets, surely the “campaigning” (read: brainwashing) regard- approving. If the event is hosted at the ex- possibility is there for success — if there’s a ing whether or not the student activity fee pense of all, the rights of the remaining 30% will, there’s a way. This is similar to the no- Brett Denyer should be mandatory is beginning to fade who do not approve are ceded in the name tion of free markets and demand for campus from our minds. Everywhere, it seems, one of the majority. One must break some eggs, services discussed by Nathan Shapiro in a could hear people urging everyone to vote noted Stalin, in order to make an omelet. well-written article in the last edition of The to keep the student activity mandatory as There is, however, a very simple solution Patriot, “Free Markets and USG” (see www. son to tuition and housing, that’s mere chump though they were speaking of the apocalypse. to this problem. If the activity fee is eliminat- stonybrookpatriot.com for this and other past change. It’s important because through par- At LEG meetings, walking to class, eating at ed, then everyone will still have that $90. If articles). ticipation in USG students are, at least theo- the SAC, in classrooms, in hallways, even on there really is majority support for an event, Another issue that follows from the retically, learning about the nature of govern- Facebook. then it is reasonable to expect those students current setup is illustrated by the following ment and its role in society. If students at this You see, we were told, unless the school who want to attend to pay for it themselves, example: a club such as MSA (who recently level are brainwashed into thinking that it’s takes your money and gives it to other peo- and not expect those who oppose it to pick sponsored the Blasphemy or Freedom panel ok to take money from some to fund a project ple, there won’t be anything to do on campus, up the tab. That’s how society works, folks. discussion) that is funded at least in part by for “the greater good” (I dare you to define and our school, already less than a paragon of If you try to take a stranger’s money to buy a the activity fee puts on a free event. Since this ambiguous, leftist catch phrase), even if social activity for its students, will become concert ticket in the real world in the name of all undergraduate students funded the event it is not desired by those who are funding it, even more dismal. Besides, our campus is “the greater good” (by which inevitably the (including beverages, food, etc.), all under- then it is a simple matter to extend that rea- supposed to be about the amorphous blob of speaker means what’s better for himself), you graduate students should have the right to at- soning to the federal government. The result community and collective identity, and we are not likely to have much success. tend the event. However, this is not possible is the current state of affairs in which citizens can’t have these petty individualists and their Moreover, despite the insistence that the due to the limited seating in the on-campus are forced, ultimately at gunpoint (if you are silly principles about liberty wrecking our elimination of the activity fee will reduce the auditoria and ballrooms, therefore potentially belligerent enough in your refusal to pay tax- glorious model. number of clubs on campus, what about those depriving those who have paid for the event es), to fund programs that may not directly It is my hope that in the recent election, clubs who don’t rely on activity fee funds? the right to attend. benefit them. which is undecided at the writing of this ar- Somehow, organizations like Up Till Dawn, I cannot speak for all of the student The student activity fee is socialism in ticle, that everyone was able to see through and many frats and sororities still manage not body, but there are quite a few clubs and action: it effectively takes money from some, the haze of frantic interest-group propaganda only to survive but thrive by raising their own organizations that I end up funding through gives it to others, and results in an inequi- to the truth: the activity fee is nothing more funds through various events, bake sales, and the activity fee that I have no desire to fund. table situation among students. While some than petty theft, regardless of the benefits it other fundraisers (or — a novel idea — mem- Why should I be forced to fund them? Why students take advantage of the fee and gain supposedly provides to students. bers could pay a membership fee out of the should any of us be forced to fund clubs that much more than their $90 worth, others are This is a classic case of de Tocqueville’s $90 that would have gone to the activity fee, we don’t particularly like? This is yet another left with much less than their fair share. The “tyranny of the majority”. Suppose there is and likely end up with a sizeable amount left reason why the activity fee should not be solution is simple: abolish the fee and put the fairly popular support for an event that the over). If all clubs and organizations were en- mandatory. responsibility of paying for events or clubs SAB wants to host on campus using student couraged to do this instead of being given So why all the fuss over $90? In compari- on those who actually participate or attend. Who Ya Gonna Call? Ghost Busters! are tossed out of the school. Their re- sponse is not to give up their ideas and find comfy, secure jobs elsewhere, but Nathan Shapiro to establish a private business to of- fer a ghost-elimination service. And their gamble is a huge success as the Over a decade before South Park ever demand for ghostbusting skyrockets, aired, at the height of the Reagan presidency, creating a profitable business. If left there was another band of misfit heroes that up to the intelligentsia, ghostbusting stood for the ideals of Republicans. These would have been destroyed in its in- were, of course, the Ghostbusters from the fancy before it could have done all its 1984 film of the same name. Ghostbusters is a good, but the free market, combined timeless film, but one which captures the spirit with a keen business sense of Peter of the Reagan revolution and has virtues which Venkman to see its potential, was able all Republicans can admire. The film’s story, to reward the value of the endeavor. above all else, represents the values of free It cannot be overlooked that the market capitalism and the benefit it brings to heroes of the film do not subscribe mankind, correctly identifying its opponents to the ethics of altruism. The Ghost- and the consequences of their ideas. busters are a business, they do not For those who don’t know what Ghost- serve the people of New York and busters is about, it features three para-psy- save the world out of self-sacrifice, chologists who, joined by a fourth member, but they do it for the allegedly evil go into business for themselves to catch ghosts “almighty dollar.” But the film shows that it is Ghostbusters and subsequently releases all the away from using technology and their ghost- and end up saving New York City from being not evil to do so, that by pursuing such a goal spirits they had captured and triggers the apoc- fighting weaponry is in fact described as nu- overrun by ghosts and evil demi-gods. How- they provide a valuable service which without alypse that the Ghostbusters ultimately have clear-powered. ever, the film is far more significant than that a profit-motive would not exist. It’s private to stop. The conflict of the film, therefore, is Why Ghostbusters so perfectly represents brief plot-description suggests. Like most chil- individuals in the pursuit of self-interest, and private business portrayed as the heroes who such Republican ideals is a mystery to me. dren, I enjoyed it for its action, comedy and not government, that discovers the science of have to save the world versus government Perhaps it was because director Ivan Reitman, concept more than anything else. However, as ghostbusting and puts it to effective use. For agents who try to quash innovative ideas and who was born in a communist country, had a I matured, and my political opinions matured, that reason, Ghostbusters provides a unique actually place the world in peril. I cannot think personal revulsion to government interven- I came to see the film’s wonderful philosophi- heroic paradigm that supports Republican of any other mainstream film which so perfect- tion. Or perhaps it was just a result of the ideas cal underpinnings, which I could really sink principles on the benefit of private companies ly encapsulates Ronald Reagan’s charge that which permeated American political culture my teeth into. and free markets. “government is not a solution to our problem, in the 1980s seeping into the film’s creation. In America, much of the strongest support Despite the imminent invasion of our government is the problem.” Ghostbusters’ co-writer Harold Ramis once for government control of “public services” reality by malevolent supernatural spirits, There are other aspects of the film that said that he wrote the film Animal House to be over the evils of the private market has come Ghostbusters presents a second, more signifi- seem to reflect the conflicts of Ronald Reagan, a reflection and attempted resurrection of their from the universities. The film begins with the cant protagonist, whose actions provide sig- conservative Republicans and the liberal estab- generation’s revolutionary energy in the early trio of heroes, Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), nificant harm to the city. The true nemesis of lishment of the time. At the time Ghostbusters 1960s. Regardless of whatever the source of Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis), and Ray Stantz the Ghostbusters is a government bureaucrat was released, the nuclear anti-proliferation Ghostbusters’ Republican ideals, it stands as a (Dan Aykroyd) working for such a university, from the Environmental Protection Agency, movement was in full swing, protesting Rea- monument to remember, and an inspiration to at which the intellectual elites in charge cannot or E.P.A., named Walter Peck (William Ather- gan’s nuclear policies. Interestingly enough, continue, Ronald Reagan’s political revolution see the potential value in their work, and they ton), who uses his authority to shut down the like the U.S., the heroes of the film don’t shy of the 1980s.

The Patriot - April 2006 13 Port Deal Dead: Now Troubles Begin

Due to the united opposition by Demo- What has gone un- crats and Republicans in the US Congress, as noticed by the pundits is well as the states involved and the public, the that Dubai is one of the few Nathan Shapiro deal to allow a Dubai-owned company to pur- nations we have a trade chase and operate several ports in the United surplus with. In fact, as op- States had been effectively killed. Defenders erators of the world’s 10th of our national interests claimed a victory for largest air lines, Dubai is factor in Dubai’s diverse economy, many port security, but little have they realized the one of the largest custom- other Arab countries who were offended by long-term damage they may have brought ers for airplane manu- Dubai’s treatment will likely begin accelerat- our country by their opposition to a relatively facturer Boeing. Boeing, ing the movement of trading oil in both euros insignificant business transaction. which is already facing and dollars, rather than dollars-only as has Dubai is an emirate, part of the United stiff and possibly illegal been the case for half a century. Arab Emirates, with a vibrant economy competition from the Eu- While the move for “petroeuros” may founded on banking, construction, transpor- ropean-subsidized Airbus, not seem significant, it most certainly is. With tation, tourism and a handful of lightly or cannot afford to lose an- the American greenback used as the means to non-taxed economic free zones. They have checks could easily have been put in place to other multi-billion dollar deal, and when the purchase oil, nations around the world have also been an ally to the United States, provid- counter such concerns. But Democrats saw it entire port issue erupted, they received some high dollar reserves. Having the world’s ing access to their ports (owned and operated as an opportunity to attack Bush on national subtle hints from the United Arab Emirates primary reserve currency allows the United by Dubai companies) for our military vessels security grounds. Meanwhile, Republicans, that further purchases could be in jeopardy if States to fund its deficits. With the decline to carry out operations in the Gulf as well as fearful of their prospects in the 2006 Con- the opposition of the port deal goes through. of petrodollars, nations around the world, in- use of their air fields for our spy and attack gressional elections, tripped over themselves I’m sure if Dubai chooses to buy air- cluding the Arab states whose faith in their aircraft which, if conflict ever erupted over to out-do the Democrats. planes from Airbus as a result of this embar- ability to invest in the American economy Iran’s nuclear program, would be of immense In their haste to irrationally sound tough rassment, Hillary Clinton will go visit some was shaken by this incident, will lessen their value to us. on national security, Congress not only ig- laid off Boeing workers in California and reserve of dollars in favor of euros, which Despite Dubai’s strategic military im- nored the military importance of allowing explain to them how they lost their jobs for some have predicted could lead to rapid in- portance to the United States, the Congress this relatively minor deal to go through, but political expediency. After all, she could al- flation and other difficulties, and America’s was opposed to a deal in which a Dubai- they also ignored the economic significance. ways suggest they go to work for the numer- ability to support its budget and trade deficits owned company bought a British company Dubai, and other Arab nations, found the ous west-coast ports owned by communist may be made more difficult. that operated many ports around the world, American government’s reaction to this deal China, some of which her husband approved When reports of difficulties in dealing including several in the United States. The as a personal affront, and considering how while he was in office. with Iran, layoffs, a weakening dollar, high deal, already given approval by the British significant these nations are in regards to The Boeing deal is only one of the more gas prices and costly deficit reach the halls of government and the American Treasury De- our economy and security, their anger at us, concrete examples of how this might hurt us Congress, they have no one but themselves to partment, would not have involved the com- which could have been avoided entirely, will but there are other, more abstract long-term blame because this time the president’s hands pany overseeing port security, and proper come back to haunt us. troubles we may face. Although oil is a small are clean. Stony Brook RAs Education Reform

us it’s about $5.60 an hour), but also a brand of public schools. The No Child Left Be- Continued from page  new, air-conditioned room all to themselves. Continued from page  hind Act’s provisions are so complicated Compared to the cramped, stuffy space of my that parents have virtually no investment ceived free housing, a free meal plan, and a room, that’s more than enough to cause some actly what I’m talking about: his team, in national education reform. Education $250 per month stipend. discontentment, especially since all under- club, whatever he’s in that’s keeping him reform may even have contributed to social At the RA conference here at Stony Brook graduate RAs have the same requirements and active and engaged, was in a tournament apathy. We are relying on our bureaucratic last fall, I spoke to RAs from schools such as we are all expected to do the same amount of and they didn’t even have money to buy and unreliable government to assume all NYU, Wagner, Hofstra, and others. At many of work. For the allegedly “progressive” nature their own basketball uniforms!? And you the responsibility, accountability, and guilt these schools, the duties required of the RAs of the Department of Campus Residences, this know what race he was. He thanked an for the least among us, while still isolating were significantly fewer than those required of inequitable situation among its employees is older black lady for “supporting the cause,” ourselves in our own chosen communities. Stony Brook RAs. Many of them don’t have to interesting to say the least. called me “good man” when he asked me Let the government deal with the outsiders. deal with containing parties (they simply call I can certainly attest to the fact that many to buy some, no “support the cause” talk The attitudes of Bush and Bloomberg the police instead), and some of them didn’t RAs, myself included, are not terribly happy when he approached that white couple. He are a step in the right direction, but what have to remain on duty after 11 PM. The worst with the compensation, and I would argue that knew better. I know of “the cause”: I’m they really should be doing is instilling their part of this is that in addition to having fewer this is negatively impacting the performance supposed to support people (and you know own sense of responsibility and hope in the responsibilities, and therefore less of a time of RAs. Happier employees usually work which people) when they’re doing the right rest of the country. Bush negotiated with requirement, these RAs also received more more effectively. If I had a single room, or thing for themselves and their community. both Republicans and Democrats to push compensation than Stony Brook RAs. additional meal plan compensation, my moti- I give this example to show where ed- No Child Left Behind through. Bloom- Additionally, most RAs at other schools vation to complete that stack of surveys or to ucational reform is not reaching. President berg took on a hostile union and moved a that I have spoken to, including Hofstra, Al- spend more time involving residents in cam- Bush and Mayor Bloomberg are two of the famously lethargic legislature to act. Both bany, and NYU, do not have roommates. pus life would be much greater. This common most reform-minded public officials in re- did these things for communities they have Compensation issues aside, this makes sense sense approach to increasing workers’ perfor- cent memory when it comes to education, little in common with. It’s time for us to because oftentimes not only are RAs woken mance has been around for quite some time; and we still cannot rely on them to fight adopt their attitude and energy, instill it in by phone calls at 3 AM, but so are their room- an analogy that comes to mind is the case of for all of our children’s needs. It has taken our neighbors, and make our own strivings mates, which is hardly fair to them. Also, if an Henry Ford. Back in the early 1900s, when the the mayoralty years just to get city control for the ends that we know are right. RA needs to have a private discussion with a prevailing wage among automotive plant em- resident about a personal problem, that resi- ployees was $2-$3 per day, Ford began pay- dent might not feel comfortable if the RA’s ing his employees $5 per day. The results were roommate is sitting there listening to the whole immediate: productivity went through the conversation. roof and absenteeism ceased almost entirely. Write For The Patriot! Some Stony Brook RAs have avoided One would hope that one hundred years later, this problem because they actually do have Campus Residences would be able to reach singles, such as those in the West Apartments the same conclusion, but I am not holding my Become a Part of the Tradition and Roosevelt. However, this leads to another breath. problem: compensation equality among RAs So given that we are undercompensated here at Stony Brook. The singles where West compared to RAs at other universities, re- Meetings: Thursdays SAC 305 at 5:30pm Apartment RAs live are more expensive than quired to do more than RAs at many other uni- the other designated RA rooms in other build- versities, and are expected to work like dogs ings. At almost $3100 for those rooms, that to the detriment of our grades and social lives, gives those RAs not only an average hourly was it worth it? [email protected] wage of around $6/hour (recall for the rest of Nope.

14 The Patriot - April 2006 The Battle You’ve All Been Waiting For!

VS.

By Matt Veres For internet savvy college students, the internet offers a diverse selection of websites Facebook’s interface is very easy to navigate, with a convenient panel on the left side of the screen. Personal information can in which they can avoid one’s homework only be viewed by other and other responsibilities. Two of the most students at your school popular procrastination destinations are or your friends at other schools. MySpace and Facebook. While both sites enjoy millions of users, a debate still rages MySpace is a lot more over which site is the best. customizable because you I came across Facebook while I was a can actually use html to MySpace also Facebook allows an un- change your background, freshman at Southampton College. To join provides a built-in limited number of photos add pictures, and even put blog, where you that can be “tagged”. This the site, one only needs an active college e- in videos. can express your- means you can have pic- mail address. One advantage of Facebook is self or just put up tures of your friends show that you can easily locate people on campus random stuff. up on their profiles. that share your interests. You can also find people that share your classes so you can ar- range a late night Adderall-fueled cram ses- Layout is plainer than sion. You can add friends from other colleg- MySpace, but it keeps the es and just recently, from high school. Each pages under control and page has a straight forward presentation. prevents them from being Users can list their favorite movies, books, unreadable because of people who have no sense and TV shows. A Facebook page also has a of color coordination and section for quotations were users can quote You can add full songs to your profile from your think it’s cool to put lime masters like Winston Churchill, Martin Lu- favorite artists and bands. Though this can get an- green text on a bright yel- ther King, or Homer Simpson. A big attrac- noying when you’re browsing profiles at 2:00am and low background. you forget you have your volume all way up. tion to Facebook is the ability to post large amounts of pictures and place them in vari- ous albums. The shortcomings of Facebook stem Using third party services like youtube.com, you can insert from the blandness of an individual’s page. Insert pictures of whatever you like directly videos into your profile, Every user’s page has the same layout and into your profile using html. Why simply list something you can’t do with color scheme. Outside of pictures and added Austin Powers as one of your favorite movies, facebook. in text there is little room for personalization. when you can put a picture of him there? No videos, no flash animations, no nothing. Another disadvantage is that if you form a group you can only invite friends from the Make your friends compete with each other and watch them squirm for school you attend. Also, Facebook is geared an exclusive spot on your “Top 8”. You can even enter code into your towards college students, high-schoolers, profile that allows you to have more than eight people listed there and and college alumni, so you cannot befriend also change their names and pictures. anyone outside a given age range. Facebook can also be used as ‘Exhibit A’ in your stu- dent court hearing. In some colleges, faculty or a celebrity impersonator. Unlike Facebook, decoration on their page in an attempt to assert girls that have pictures of themselves posing and administrators can view student’s pages MySpace is available to personalize. You can their individuality. The page could be so busy in skimpy outfits or in some cases just pictures and check for inappropriate behavior or un- change your fonts, colors, banners, add videos, that your eyes may start bleeding (and make of their cleavage. Nothing can get you in hot derage drinking. Who knew that the picture and animations. The site also allows for users your computer crash!). There are also those water faster than hitting on a fifteen year old of you wearing a lamp shade and humping to have their own blog, where they can write who do not know that a lime green background because you saw her suggestively licking a an inflatable sheep would come back to bite anything from daily observations to dark po- does not mesh well with a yellow font. Picture lollipop online. you in the ass? etry befitting of an emo song. Users can also posting is also very limited as you are only al- After weighing the pros and cons of both A second option for your internet pe- post bulletins that can be viewed by everyone lowed twelve photos. The biggest pitfall of sites, it is my opinion that MySpace is the bet- rusal is MySpace. This site offers a chance on their friends list. MySpace is that it is open to everyone. There ter site. The ability to befriend people outside for people to meet without the limitations of Like Facebook, MySpace also has its is no age limit. This poses a problem because of college and add personal flair to your page Facebook. People do not need a college e- shortcomings. Some people take editing their young girls on the site are notorious for acting puts MySpace just a notch above Facebook. mail, and can be of any age. You can add profiles to gaudy extremes. They’ll place ev- a lot older than they are. Anyone who has vis- But I suggest that you check them out for anyone you like whether it is a new friend ery shinny, flashy and otherwise obnoxious ited the site knows what I mean. They are the yourself to see which one is right for you.

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The Patriot - April 2006 15 Republican Girls

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer Love Hewitt first got our attention back when she was on Party of Five in the late nine- ties. Since then she’s gotten our attention in other ways... Another Texas girl, she’s a big supporter of President Bush and enjoys visiting injured troops in Iraq. “It was an amaz- ing experience,” the patriotic actress says. Miss Hewitt has a new show, “Ghost Whisperer,” Fridays at 8:00pm on CBS.

Suzanne

This dance major loves singing, acting, and Repub- lican boys. WANTS YOU! She’s got a great sense of humor and it shows with her love for Seinfeld and Got a camera and a Saturday Night Live. conservative girl? Send photos to: submissions@stony brookpatriot.com

16 The Patriot - April 2006 The New Right Wing: South Park Republicans

ably because they start paying taxes, and that report. In the end the owner and his wife ac- they tend to be conservative when it comes Continued from page 11 younger people tend to be more liberal, but tually try some Harbucks coffee and realize to their money and taxes, but liberal when it the results of this survey show exactly the it’s quite good; much better than their own comes to social issues. The American Coun- and personal responsibility. Other would-be opposite. Over 53% of freshmen in 2003 shop’s java. The lesson learned is that Har- cil on Education survey found that almost Republicans do not watch TV at all.” believed affirmative action should be -abol bucks started out at one point as a small cof- 40% of freshmen thought that legalization of However, recent surveys certainly sup- ished, while among their adult counterparts fee shop, but because it was so good, it grew marijuana is a good idea. And 59% of fresh- port this change in attitudes among college- the figure is at 43%. and expanded. So, there’s nothing wrong men supported gay marriage, while only 30% aged people. An annual survey conducted by On many political issues, including affir- with a Harbucks being built in South Park, of all Americans do. South Park makes fun of the American Council on Education recently mative action and taxes, college students ap- and the coffeehouse owner is made manager this issue in “Follow That Egg,” when Mr. found some surprising results, indicating a pear to be much more conservative than their of the Harbucks. Garrison, now Mrs. Garrison after his sex rightward shift among college students, in parents. Even socialist tendencies, which Another example is the more recent change, jealous that his former gay partner general (as in more than just those who are seem to be trendy among college and high “Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes” has moved on and is engaged to Big Gay Al, registered Republicans). 17% of college school students these days, are in decline. episode, where a Wall-Mart (instead of Wal- leads the charge in the state to ban gay mar- freshmen in 2003 thought it was important 53% of students thought that wealthy people Mart), is built in the town. Though the people riage. The way they show Mrs. Garrison in to be involved in an environmental program. should pay a larger share of taxes than they try to resist it, they simply can’t stop shop- this episode, ridicules those who are firmly This number has been cut in half since 1992, do now. Thirteen years ago that figure was ping there even though it’s putting the local against the idea. and it certainly reflects the feelings of the at 72%. Some pro-capitalist ideas are por- stores out of business. In the end the boys So I guess what we have here is an in- South Park episode, “Rainforest Shmainfor- trayed by the South Park episode, “Gnomes,” find out that the “evil power” of Wall-Mart credibly innovative show that seems to be est,” which completely mocks radical envi- where a Harbucks, supposed to symbolize comes not from some CEO in an office, but taking advantage, whether intentionally or ronmentalism. The episode even ends with a Starbucks, moves into town and wants to buy from the consumers themselves who just not, of this new shift in political attitudes of funny caption on the screen: out a local coffeehouse to put the shop there. can’t resist the incredibly low prices. The it’s primary audience, college students. Not “Each year, the rainforest is responsi- The owner writes up a presentation for the boys learn that the success of the store is re- only is the Republican Party becoming more ble for over three thousand deaths from ac- boys to give, which sparks the town into tak- ally just because of the great deals it offers diverse, but because of this, more college cidents, attacks or illnesses. There are over ing action against the Harbucks and trying to consumers. students will likely be interested in taking seven hundred things in the rainforest that stop it from being built there. Now, I should point out some more of part in it and shaping the way this country cause cancer. Join the fight now and help After being given a tour of the “Un- the differences between these new right wing develops over the next several years. They’ll stop the rainforest before it’s too late.” derpants Gnomes” business and learning a students and the old GOP establishment. As be doing it not in the stereotypical conserva- There’s a common political myth that lesson about how corporations can be good, mentioned before, many students are headed tive way, though, but in the South Park Re- older people tend to be Republicans, prob- the boys confess that they didn’t write up the in a libertarian direction, which means that publican way.

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The Patriot - April 2006 17 Sex at The ‘Brook Virginia Morgan

When we were younger, matters of the step carefully when it comes to matters of Second one must realize that it is ok to relationship, you can learn what to avoid heart were much easier to deal with. For ex- the heart? Well, there are as many answers to have feelings for your friends. I am a firm from the beginning. ample: when Valentine’s Day came around that as there are lovers in the world because believer that you can never be friends with Lastly, it’s important to remember that you gave everyone a Valentine’s Day card, as individuals we react differently to differ- your exes but you can be exes with your it’s ok to be a little nervous or unsure. It’s except Robby because he smelled like he ent situations and circumstances. However, friends. If you have a strong, solid friend- not always easy going up and asking some- was dipped in a vat of piss. Why did we whatever our fears or reservations, I am ship with someone, testing out the waters of one and chances are they are going to be a do this? We were young and we didn’t sit convinced they can be overcome. First one love won’t ruin it. You just need to make it little nervous too. Sure you’re not asking and weigh the consequences of giving ev- must realize that there is competition in the clear that if it doesn’t work out in the love them to marry you, but dinner and a movie eryone a card and what it may mean to tell dating game and if you don’t make a move arena, you’ll both drop it and go back to be- can be a pretty big thing. Oh, the most im- someone we liked them. We subscribed to soon, the person you have your eye on will ing friends. portant thing to remember is if they say no, the philosophy of nothing ventured, nothing be whisked away by someone else. Or as the Third you must learn how to turn don’t keep secretly pining away for them. gained. We never sat there secretly pining movie When Harry Met Sally so eloquently potential negatives into positives. For ex- Just drop it all together because if you don’t away for someone hoping they’d make the put it, “All I’m saying is that somewhere out ample, you should never be afraid to ask it’s highly creepy and may be construed as first move. Instead we’d pass them a note there is the man you are supposed to marry. someone out because they just got out of stalking or harassment. saying “Do you love me? Do you want to be And if you don’t get him first, somebody a relationship. There were obvious reasons So just breathe in, breathe out, take it my friend? Check yes or no, ‘cause I think else will, and you’ll have to spend the rest why their relationship ended and, for lack of one step at a time and hopefully you’ll land this is how love goes’.” of your life knowing that somebody else is a better term, you should capitalize on them. a date with that special someone you’ve had So what’s different now? Why do we married to your husband.” By finding out what problems plagued their your eye on.

Depressing WTF?! Picture of the Month Poetry Corner Once a month, we shall publish an odd picture that can only make you go, as you would on AOL Instant Messenger, For those times when you think “WTF?” This month we came across what appeared to be some your life sucks. sort of extraterrestrial communications device or possibly a UFO. There can be only one answer... And you have it! Please send in your explanations, and we’ll publish them alongside the picture as a caption. Tell us How Many More Days? what you can discern from this picture, and the events which might have brought it about.

Send in your submissions to By ‘Dejected With Grief’ What’s with this strange extraterrestrial device [email protected] that landed on campus? with the subject line, “WTF?!”

The veins of my love are infused with the novocain of your indifference. You yell that I’m scared of maturity I whimper back that you lack patience. Submitted Captions: Last Month’s Picture: You tell me you’re just saying that you wanted me to know we play this twisted word game every day before you go. “The official pastry of the Third Reich!” “Goodbye,” you say, as you walk away from my protective pillow fort. “What? It’s a a ninja star with a flaky I clutch at my inhaler; crust!” I’m too asthmatic to retort.

Now Pinkerton’s on the stereo, “SBU’s not so secret message to Ben and the tears, they freely fall. the Hebrew Hammer.” I scribble a brand-new emo poem… Is it really worth it all? “Don’t worry, it’s Kosher.”

Check us out online at www.stonybrookpatriot.com! Full Color Photos | Related Links | Archive of all Patriot Articles

18 The Patriot - April 2006 Ted Kennedy’s Drink of the Month Satire By Virginia Morgan Red-Headed Intern

*Not intended for the weak of stomach, faint of heart or for those who are under 21 years of age.

Ingredients: 1oz Cranberry Juice 1oz Peach Schanpps 1oz Jagermeister

Directions: Pour ingredients into a glass and enjoy. Note: should be consumed as a shooter or shot.

Yield: 1 serving

When not ambling through the halls of Congress or fili- bustering judicial nominees on the floor of the Senate, there’s nothing Senator Kennedy likes more than kicking back on the shores of Chappaquiddick with a nice, cold drink in his hand. Each month this column will highlight one of Senator Ken- nedy’s favorite drinks. This month’s drink: Red-Headed Intern

Drunk of the Month Get Wasted Like Ted at These Fine Locations Stephen Macomber

Best Drinking Story: Stony Brook Area Port Jefferson Area Lake Grove Area Three Village Inn Tara Inn Printers Devil John Harvard’s Brewhouse It was October 22, 2005. My friend and I went down 150 Main Street 1519 Main Street 105 Wynn Lane Smithaven Plaza to Orlando, Fla. for a couple of days. I had won a contest Stony Brook Port Jefferson Port Jefferson Lake Grove at work and everything was paid for. The first couple of 751-0555 473-9602 473-1130 979-2739 days down there I had to do work stuff. On that Friday, we Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 4-7 Happy Hour: 4-7 went down to the pool where a friend of mine was with a couple of older women, about 35-40 years old, who were J&R’s Steakhouse Village Way Billies 1890 Saloon there celebrating a birthday. Later that night my friend and 1320 Stony Brook Road 406 Main Street 304 Main Street I went out to City Walk, a strip of clubs and bars located Stony Brook Port Jefferson Port Jefferson by Universal Studios. 689-5920 928-3395 331-1890 While at the first bar, we met up with those same two Happy Hour: 4-7 Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 5-7 women who were at the pool, so we had some drinks with them. I was drinking Jack and Cokes, my friend was drink- ing 7&7 I think, and the women were drinking something Drinking Philosophy: Favorite Drink: Favorite Bar: Favorite Bartender: called a hurricane which is about 64 ounces of alcohol. Af- ter a couple of drinks there, the four of us leave and head to “Go hard or go home” Irish car bomb, Jack and coke. Irish Times, Holbrook Whichever one will get me my drink. another bar. This time it was a Latin dance club. Now I’m as white as can be and have no rhythm whatsoever. Imag- ine a drunken Irishman trying to dance to reggaeton music Drunkest Ever: with a beer in his hand and with a much older woman. After about an hour and couple of drinks we all left 21st birthday. Too and went to a jazz club to end the night. We got in and I ran many different drinks in one night. out of money. This was no problem because since we were Puked on a couple of all drunk the women were buying us the beers. Can’t beat church properties. that. At the club the alcohol finally hit us all and the girl I I actually to this day was playing wingman to was all over me. My friend’s girl don’t even remember was still playing nice girl towards him. Strange since she leaving the bar. wasn’t the one who was married. Finally the place closed at around 4 am. We all went back to the hotel and I let my friend take his girl back to her room while I had to distract the other woman for about 30 minutes. So I took her back to my room. I woke her up after being passed out for half an hour and brought her back to her room and got my friend. He claimed that I got there too soon and cut his time with his girl too short.

The Patriot - April 2006 19 Sean Martin SPORTS Hockey Lacks Athletics MINUTE

The World Baseball Classic finished up on March 20 with Japan defeating Cuba in the final game. Team USA was eliminated from the tournament before it reached the semi-finals in San Diego, leading to an onslaught from the national media. All month long we’ve had to read about how our players are overpaid, lack heart, and the rest of the world has overtaken us in our own national pastime. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, but weren’t these the same writers who were calling this tournament nothing but a money-making ploy two months ago? The United States failing to reach the final round was disappointing; however, to rip them for showing any lack of effort is just ridicu- lous. First of all, this tournament consisted of teams playing each other one time in each round, and anyone with even a passing interest in baseball can tell you that it is impossible to determine the better team in only one game. Secondly, the United States team had only begun their spring workouts three weeks prior to the start of the WBC. The teams in Asia begin to practice in early January, and those from Latin America often play throughout the entire winter. Maybe this tourna- ment will take off in popularity someday, and I hope it does, but to truly determine the best teams, the games will have to be played at another time of the year. It appears that many sports writers in this country have never actually picked up a bat or put on a glove at any point in their lives. ‘Wolves Draw Terrell Owens was released from the Eagles this month and signed on with Coach Bill Parcells and the Cowboys. As a Giants season ticket holder, I cannot decide whether or not this is good or bad news. There is no argument that when he is on the field, Owens is still one of the biggest playmakers in the game. With the Giants secondary being suspect the past few sea- sons he will not be fun to face twice a season. That First Blood being said, it was quite enjoyable for an Eagle-Hater, like me, to have front row seats to their Owens’ led de- mise. Here in New York we can only hope that Owens causes similar trouble in Cowboy land. Either way, the relationship between Owens and Parcells is going to make for some great TV.

Dwight Gooden was arrested yet again this month, this time for violating probation by admitting to (c) 2006 Mark D. Murphy again using cocaine. The story of the former Mets and Yankees star just gets more and more difficult to read. Gooden was a real hero of mine growing up, watching him as a kid I had hopes to one day tell my children STONY BROOK 11, VERMONT 5 stories of the Mets hero with lightning in his arm. Un- fortunately, now the only story left to tell is the story of a man whose chance at immortality was lost in battle with his inner demons. Conference Win Brings High Hopes

By Brian Scott lowed. Not bad for a guy returning from off-season knee surgery. All it took was thirty four seconds The final score must have been a big It seems that the problem of steroids in baseball for the Seawolves’ lacrosse team to do boost to the team after their disappoint- is one that is going to remain an issue for a long time something they hadn’t done all season ing loss against Rutgers their last time to come. A new book was released on March 23 detail- –score first. Drawing first blood against out. That loss and any others that came ing the actions of Barry Bonds since 1998. With open- Vermont must have done something to before it are behind them now as they ing day quickly approaching, it is unfortunate that the spark the team as it went on to trounce look forward to further victories against whole steroids saga is going to be at the forefront for Vermont 11-5 and improve the team’s upcoming Denver and Albany. This was yet another season. This issue will only get uglier in the overall record to 3-4, 1-0. the opening game of the conference and next few months as Bonds is within striking distance of both Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron on the All-Time Brendan Callahan, the junior goal- big wins against those teams should not Home Run list. I know I can’t wait to hear how Barry keeper was impressive as he kept the only help their chances but bring hope to attempts to turn himself into a martyr this year. lead intact throughout the game. He a team that wants badly to advance all the finished with 13 saves and four goals al- way to the NCAA playoffs. (c) 2006 Mark D. Murphy

20 The Patriot - April 2006