You are invited to attend THE PARLIAMENT OF TROLLS “Troll-Thing” or “Ettinmoot” “The London floods only prove what we all know, that False Guinevere is not mistress of the elements, much less master, and no Pendragon. The Pendragon must be strong, like Trolls are strong. Like I am strong!” – King Lot of Orkady King Lot invites all true-blooded trolls to Bedegraine to contend the rulership of London, of Albion and of New Camelot and decide who is to be KING OF ALL THE TROLLS! Bedegraine is an Unseelie Realm, but stout hearted Seelie Trolls will not tremble to attend! Your tournament commentators Korrigan ferch Nud Yorick Brandworthy Redcap Jester Verbena Mage
Three times winner of the Feast of Fools (she ate Known for his political pamphlets and scathing the other fools – geddit?!?!?) and scatological oratories, Yorick is the author of Antedulivians, stand-up comic. Korrigan hosts her own webzine Fomorians & Capitalist Conspiracy Theories . “Fairy My A$$” at mistsmademeforget.fae He’s a practising druid and part-time werewolf.
The Candidates King Lot of Orkady Estranged husband of Morgause of Gorre, father of the Orkady Brothers (Agravain, Gawain, Gareth, Gaheris)
K: A big dude with a big ‘tude. He called this Thing and he ain’t going home without the throne. Y: That’s right Korrie: he’s the pookas’ favourite with odds of 5-2. But one thing: he doesn’t need to go home; he’s on his home turf. Sir Agravaine of Gorre Son of Lot and Morgause, loyal to Morgan La Fey of Gorre
Y: Lot’s son, with all the old man’s aggression but a dash of modern sensibility. Might appeal to the 21 st century trolls K: Don’t think they’re that big a demographic Yorick – most trolls like their politics medieval. Horned helmets and ‘more-ale-wench’ is their style! Sir Gaheris of Cameliard Son of Lot and Morgause, loyal to Guinevere of Cameliard
K: A seelie troll, now that’s more like it. Loyal as a lamppost and stout-hearted as a ball of twine. Basically, Queen Jenny’s yard-dog. Y: That yard-dog has a bite on him, Korrie. He’s a traditionalist who likes things the way they used to be – as in, back in the 5 th century. Sir Gareth of Cameliard Son of Lot and Morgause, loyal to Guinevere of Cameliard
K: More Orkady brothers?!?! How many did Morgause squeeze out?!??! Those satyresses must have rubber hymens! Y: That’s *Queen* Morgause, Korrie, and she’s here too. In fact, she’s looking at you right now…. Queen Morgause of Gorre Sister of Morgan La Fey and estranged wife of King Lot, mother of the Orkady Brothers, Satyr sorceress
Y: Korrigan’s indisposed right now, but I’ve got the opportunity to share a few words with Her Highness Queen Morgause Morcades. How would you describe your role at this parliament, Your Grace? QM: An onlooker, darling, just an onlooker, like yourself. Of course, I’m supporting all my boys, every darling one of them. Y: And King Lot, their father and your former husband? QM: Lot is fine troll, a fine, upstanding, lusty troll with arms like great knotted… well, ahem, there’s nothing between us now, but I wish him well. TBC Bors of Ganis Independent troll with a Holding in the Forest of Broceliande
Y: Still no Korrigan, and no Bors of Ganis either. Will the ‘People’s Troll’ make a showing? Tongues are still talking about the Great Kraken he slew in the Cameliard floods and whether this means his loyalty is to Guinevere now. Kay the Tall of Kaer Goch Independent Ogre of Bedegraine, nominally loyal to King Lot
Y: Ah, Korrigan, back in humanoid form. Did your time as a toad give you an insight into Kay Hir? K: Bleugh. Kay the Tall, biggest, meanest and badass-est in a room of badasses. If might makes right, then he’s not going to be in the wrong. Hengist Jute of House Balor Sidhe lord of House Balor, loyal to Morgan La Fey of Gorre, claims overlordship of the trolls through an ancient pact
K: Wow -sa! Tall, dark and broodysexy, you can colour m e INFATUATED. Look at the way those dark robes just hang off him. Yummy! I could EAT him up. Y: Some are dismissing him as a joke candidate though, Korrie, since he’s not even a troll. K: Troll schmoll. He’s descended from Fomorians! You can’t BUY that sort of pedigree! Gawain of Cameliard
Y: Bit of a mystery figure, this one. K: Yup Yorick, recently switched allegiance to the Seelie Court, rumoured to be half-mad with Bedlam, widely thought to be as politically relevant as a garden gnome. Nice sword, though. TBC King Uriens of Gorre Husband of Morgan La Fey
Y: Any chance of Morgana’s husband showing? K: Only if she takes her thumb off his head and lets him out of the bedroom.
TBC King Carados of Escoce Independent troll of Listenoise, nominally loyal to King Lot
K: Here’s an interesting one; so where *is* Escoce? Y: Scotland? Somewhere north of Listenoise anyway. They call this lunk the “King of the Wasteland” and he supposedly owes Lot big time. Might be a surprise contender. Enid the Silent Independent Seelie Troll
K: Speaking of surprise contenders – a LADY TROLL?!?! A troll-ess? Are those pecks or boobs? Or both? Y: I’d keep your voice down Korrie – Enid has sworn to speak to no man who cannot beat her in single combat. I think she’s got something to say to you though…. Redhilda Valkyrie Unseelie Troll sorceress
Y: Korrie’s had to step out, so I’ll just read from my crib sheet on this one – a troll sorceress of the Old Religion. Her website calls her a technopagan virtual-valkyrie. Not exactly standard for trolls, but definitely my kind of girl.
THE FIVE TRIALS OF TROLLS “Mixing the ancient with the modern, medieval with the new-media, the time- honoured trials re-imagined for a hipper, cooler, more bloody ass-kicking kind of 21 st century troll” – Redhilda Valkyrie
The Tourney – to the First Fall K: Yay, Hulk Smash! Puny Humans! Trolls doing what trolls do best – breaking skulls. Y: Still don’t know the details yet, like whether this is duels or grand melee, sole combatants or squires and entourages…. But it promises to be a fantastic display of jotunic martial arts The Saga – to the Greatest Tale K: What’s this? Storytelling? Troll POETRY? Boo! Hiss! Y: Actually, Korrigan, trolls have a vibrant artistic heritage and a troll ruler is expected to be a bard as well as a warrior, a man of words as well as weapons, a thinker as well as a… well, you get the idea The Hunt – to the Finest Quarry Y: Not sure about this – are we hunting stags through Lewisham? K: Not stags, Yorick – Glamour! Definitely favours the Unseelie who can ravage without restriction, and the local trolls who know where the best dreams go down The Feast – to the Greatest Gift Y: So, a prize for the best present? K: Not just any present, it’s a Wassail, a dream-made-real. Trolls will be forging magic swords and carving runic spells in advance of this and bringing a Dreamer along to make them real. The Acclaim – to the Majority Y: Then everybody votes? I like that: grassroots democracy in an or ganic folk community K: Votes? Shouts, more like. Most trolls can’t count past their fingers, so the name that gets the loudest roar carries the day, or that gets the most allies when the post-shouting fight breaks out!