1896 Sears Roebuck Sex Catalogue the Fifties: a Special Section

1896 Sears Roebuck Sex Catalogue The Fifties: A Special Section

NOV 1970 THE HUMOR MAGAZINE 75 CENTS

The tip of a Parliament is a cigarette holder. We call it a holder because it works like one. There's a firm outer shell that surrounds the filter. And then the filter is recessed—tucked back inside. Away from your lips. It works like a cigarette holder So you get a clean taste. works. A really good taste. The Parliament holder. It really works.

King Size and New Charcoal ioo's Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. "My men wear English Leathei or they wear nothing at all' \ I insist on it. English Leather makes them feel so good. And when they feel good, I feel good. So I don't take any chances. I give all my men English Leather®. Would you like a sampler kit for a dollar? Six products: three English Leather fragrances, plus soap, shampoo, and hair dressing. Your girl won't let you wear anything else.

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MEM COMPANY, INC. MEM COMPANY, INC. Dept. N.L. Dept. N.L. P.O. Box 122, New York, N.Y. 10046 P.O. Box 122, New York, N.Y. 10046 Here's my dollar. Send me my English Leather Sampler. Here's my dollar. Send me my English Leather Sampler.

Address. Address.

City. .State. -Zip. City. .State. .Zip.

The Dink Patrol and the Love Slaves of Xuyen Tan Phu, 20 By Mike O'Donoghue (U.S. Army Ret.)

SPECIAL 1950's SECTION, 23 The Teen-Age Death Song Game, 24 By Christopher Cerf

Free Fifties Gifts, 26

Fifties Fashions, 28

Ghoul Days, 32 By Stan Mack

The 1956 High School Yearbook, 33

Monster Memories, 43 By Rick Meyerowitz

Great Expectations, or War of the Worlds, 46 By Jean Shepherd

The Sears, Roebuck Sex Catalogue, 49

Day of the Horns, 53 By Christopher Rush

Disney Rejects, 54 By Henry Beard & Peter Bramley

4th Street East, 56 By Jerome Weidman

The Little Match Girl, 60 By Robert Blechman

The Shooting Gallery, 63 By Rick Meyerowitz

Milkrun, 64 By Doug Kenney

1936: A Space Odyssey, 67 By John Weidman

Editorial, 4 § Letters, 8 , Mrs. Agnew's Diary, 10 ,& Horrorscope, 14 K Contest, 12

NATIONAL LAMPOONTM MAGAZINE: "National Lampoon" is a regis tered trademark of National Lampoon, Inc. The Lampoon name is used with permission of the Harvard Lampoon, Inc.

Copyright © 1970 National Lampoon, Inc., 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. All rights reserved. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or in part without written permission from the publisher. Any similarity to real people and places in fiction and semi-fiction is purely coincidental. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Published monthly by National Lampoon, Inc., 635 Madi son Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. $6.95 paid annual subscription, $11.50 paid two-year subscription, and $15.50 paid three-year subscription in terri torial U.S. Additional $1.00 for Canada and Mexico. $2.00 for Foreign. Second- class postage pending at New York, N.Y. and additional mailing offices. CHANGE OF ADDRESS: Subscriber please send change of address to Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Be sure to give old address, new address, and zip code for both. Allow six weeks for change. POSTMASTER: Please mail Form 3579 notices to: Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. ADVERTISING INFORMATION: Contact Advertising Director. National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022, or call (212) 688-4070. EDITORIAL INFORMATION: Contact Managing Editor, National Lam poon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022, or call (212) 688-4070. Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings and photographs submitted. If they are to be returned. Publisher assumes no responsibility for unsolicited material.

URJI"Beautifu- l clothes. For a 20" x 36" Beautify America poster, send $1.00 to Landlubber Poster #2-L, Box 8006, Boston, Mass. 02114.

The average National Lampoon subscriber, our kerosene-powered computer informs us, is about 24 years of age — too old to flash moons from speeding convertibles and too young to write his draft board about the miraculous regrowth of his trigger finger. It is to this frustrated reader that the editors have dedicated the special Fifties Editor section of our Nostalgia issue. Growing up in that dazzling decade left a special Douglas C Kenney mark, usually in the form of an inflamed scar at the base of the medulla oblon Executive Editor gata. It seems only yesterday that decent folk were fleeing in terror before roving Henry N. Beard packs of Jay Dees (juvenile delinquents, remember them?) and the combined Associate Editor intellectual power of the Eisenhower administration agonized over a cure for Mary Martello the nation's most dreaded social tragedy: the wheat surplus. Art Director Michael Gross The Fifties were a time of great technological breakthroughs, a magical time Contributing Editors when John Q. Public could tool around in his Ford Skyliner Hide-A-Way Hard Michael O'Donoghue top, fly to exotic Lansing, Mich., in a giant Boeing triple-tailed Constellation or Christopher Cert spend a quiet lifetime in front of the television watching Faye Emerson and George Trow Michael Frith Your American Hit Parade through the modern marvel of a Sylvania Halo-Lite. Assistant Art Director It was a time of great men, now forgotten by history — Sherman Adams, Ezra Katherlne Palladini Taft Benson, Whittaker Chambers, Richard Nixon — hey, wait a minute.... Production Manager Charlotte Goodwin Cover: Our Norman Rockwellesque fantasy was executed by Lou Glanzman, Subscription Manager whose 47 Time covers to date make him one of America's most successful (and Howard Jurofsky overpaid) illustrators in the biz. If you want to know what he looks like in real Circulation Director life, take a look at the triumphant Dad to the left of the barber. Alexander Turkish Speaking of overpaid illustrators, the editors wish to thank the gang at Cloud Publisher for getting us through our first dark days and hope, despite the growing clamor Leonard Mogel for their ballpoints that forced them to drop our art directorship like a live gre nade, that their scrawls will continue to have a home in our flimsy pages. The National Lampoon, Inc. is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century ^ -; ^* ^ Communications, Inc. • * » J wi Matty Simmons, Chairman Leonard Mogel, President George Agoglia, Vice President ADVERTISING SALES New York: Barry Grieff, Advertising Di rector, National Lampoon, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022, (212) 688-4070 Chicago: William H. Sanke, Western Ad vertising Manager, National Lampoon, 645 North Michigan Ave., Chicago, III. 60611, (312) 337-7625 Detroit: George S. Bywater, Sales Moti vating Associates, 19400 West Ten Mile Road, Southfield, Michigan 48075, (313) 354-0560 West Coast: Smith & Hollyday, Inc., 5478 Wilshire Blvd., Los Angeles, Calif. 90036, (213) 938-0111 Smith & Hollyday, Inc., 22 Battery St., San Francisco, Calif. 94111, (415) YU 1-2999

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11 go to bed hungry tonight. ... unless you help. Raised in a small village so much. If you buy a one-year subscription, called by the natives "Ohio," Doug has never little Doug Kenney can have a crust of,bread had the things that your children have had. He and a cup of milk every day. A two-year sub was 10 years old before he owned a pair of scription will send him to school, where he will Florsheim shoes, he was almost 20 before learn to read, write and play polo. A' lifetime he had his first ride in a Lincoln Continental, subscription will enable him to throw an entire and his parents were too poor to send him to coming-out party for his less fortunate friends, a fancy Swiss private school like his play in the south of Franee. mates. He has never tasted caviar.... Just $5.95 will give you a year of reading Won't you find it in your heart to join the pleasure. National Lampoon Foster Subscription Pro And little Doug will love you. gram? It costs only pennies a day and can do. Subscribe, damnit! Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. EHHIHEZilH

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P367. RUSSIAN REVOLU- W* ^ 7r v ^'- '•>**••' HON POSTERS 1917-1929 -from THE IENIN LI BRARY. MOSCOW: IN P623 MAN'S BEST I e"" lETCBISME K , I ^"i P685. DO IT! l-ull FULL COLOR. I'.:»ll ap FRIEND. Tut' "' war in Color photo. 22"x.VI". pro*. I"", 27". Portfolio I'ull Color. 24" s JO". 0>i/v1.9» of .;", Special 9.88 Only 1.98 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. HflMdsM

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Zip • Cily Slate Code New York Cily residents add br/i city sales tax. • Other New York State residents add applicable • sales tax. A few cents extra tor COD. GUAR ANTEE. If not satisfied, return order after 10- • day examination and money will be cheerfully J.X'/.". Only 2.98 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. refunded. • with your squirting flowers and whoo less, I don't think I'll ever forget the pee cushions and making jokes all the -good times we had in '54 at the Home time because you really put out the coming Dance. You know, when you only funny magazine in the country. said you were pregnant and I hit you Particularly, I like Don Martin and in the mouth with my cup of fruit Spy VS Spy, but Mort Drucker and punch. Al Jaffee are tops in our book, too. Those were the days, eh? Keep up the good work. M. Proust Pete DeOreo Paris, NY. Shaker Heights, Ohio Sirs: Sir: The Writers' Digest says you are in Letters Your failure to appear for a physi the market for "sophisticated political cal examination at your Local Selec Sir: satire." I have been writing sophisti tive Service Board #49 has been noted You are hereby ordered by your cated political satire for 11 years and by the Board and the Board has voted Local Selective Service Board #49 to have been published in the American that your 2-S classification be revoked report for a physical'examination on Legion Magazine, Reader's Digest, and changed to the classification 1-A. the date printed below. Failure to re U.S. News and World Report and Edith Crowley port on this date may make you sub Boys' Life. Local Board #49 ject to immediate reclassification. Enclosed is a short, sophisticated, Pittsburgh, Pa. Edith Crowley satirical poem I think you would like, Local Board #49 First World Rights only, at your usual Pittsburgh, Pa. Sirs: rates. Congrats on your Nostalgia issue! The '50's were always wild 'n' wacky Put Them All Together, Sirs: for us here in Washington, and it's a They Spell "HIPPIE" If there's anything that you want. If "real groove" to see we're not for there's anything I can do just call on "H" is for his Hair that needs a gotten. barber. me, and I'll send it along. Shugetty-shugetty-shoop. With love, from me, to you. "I 'cause he's an Ingrate Sen. Joseph McCarthy to his folks. Bishop James Pike Washington, D.C. Reno, Nev. "P" is for the Pimples on his nose. Sir: "P" is for the Pot he takes in Sirs: Greetings: By order of the President "tokes." I just wanted to write you for all us of the United States, you are hereby "I" is for his Irritating music. kids in Cleveland (what a drag, right?) ordered to report to the address listed "E" means that Everyone's a and tell you how much we like your below for induction into the United queer. mag. It's about time somebody did a States Army. Put them all together, they magazine for young kids and adults Edith Crowley spell "Hippie"— who can dig it. You guys sure must Local Board #49 A creep that Hilter'd fix if he have a great time just sitting around Pittsburgh, Pa. were here! Al Speer Sandau, Conn. Sir: Your failure to appear for induc Sir: tion into the United States Army has By order of the Federal Court of Pip's for star gazing. Pip's resulted, by a vote of your Local Draft Pennsylvania, you are hereby officially for glamour and excite Board, in the swearing out a Federal notified to begin your sentence of 10 ment. Pip's for mixing and order for your arrest. years of hard labor for violation of mingling with Merv and Edith Crowley Article #77A of the Selective Service Arthur and Steve and Local Board #49 Evasion Act. Edie and Ethel Merman Pittsburgh, Pa. P.S. Don't worry, Son, Dad and I and Godfrey Cambridge will visit you every Wednesday. Don't and Woody Allen and all Sirs: forget to make your bed neatly. the other thirty glamorous There are places I remember all my Your loving Mom, proprietors of New York's life though some have changed. (Some Edith Crowley new show biz bistro. Pip's § forever, not for better; some have Local Board #49 for a great dinner and a gone, and some remain.) Neverthe- Pittsburgh, Pa. front row seat at the scene. Come by tonight. Every- *V body'll be there. •f'X. /-

V. i

A, *# o' "Vs\£ .XV-^^ •>&

M166 164 West 48 Street /t-/«. "So, I finally said to him, 'You can't push a member of the Viviperae family around like that, especially a Putorious.' " 8 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. What Kind of Sweet-Steppin Folk Read

kindly, younger person who appreciates the finer things—one accustomed to movin' with Subscription Department ROLLING STONE the groovin', reelin' with the feelin'. Facts: The PO Box 77245 San Francisco, California 94107 average Rolling Stone reader owns 83.6 noisy rock and roll records; has three and a half Ameri I enclose $8.00 for 26 issues. can flags in his wardrobe; has lost one sexual in Name hibition in the last year; has been photographed by someone in the pay of the government; reads Address. six volumes of immortal literature a year; and gets City and State. wiped out twice a week or oftener. Get it? Rolling Stone provides the finest in mellowed-out rock and Zip NL roll journalism for you and yoursCopyright. Try some ©today 2007! National Lampoon Inc. PUT A MOOSE IN YOUR LIFE FOR ONLY $12.95 Mrs. Agneuft

THE WATCH VALUE OF ALL TIME! Here's the greatest watch value ever offered! It's Jay Ward's Magnificent Moose BULLWINKLE! In 5 mind- boggling colors! Spiffy up your wrist with this happy watch! 17-JEWELS! (JEWELS INCREASE ACCURACY AND PROLONG LIFE!) SHOCK-RESISTANT! WATER-RESISTANT! POL ISHED CHROME CASE! BLACK LEATHER BAND! All this for just $12.95! DUD LEY DO-RIGHT WATCHES, TOO! Same happy watch! Same great price! Dear Diary, any rioting or looting or anything. Up As you certainly know, dear Diary, I on the stage there was somebody named I JAY WARD PRODUCTIONS, (218 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, Calif. 90046 , ! Deo. Jo, Picon loth « Bull-mVIr Wglchtl @> 1I1.M Eo. have never pretended to be "up" on all Betty Friedan finishing a talk on how all I Oudle-, W0Kh« @> SI? 95 eo ENCIOSEO IS MY CMfCK OR MONEY | I OKOE8 |l unde'llonrf Ihoi .1 I om not cO".pltljlr lohllied within 10 do,! m, j the latest current events, what with look the men take advantage of women be J mene, —II be leltintd I Add JI 00 loi >h,D0ino ond hondlmg. Coliloinio r«i. I denis odd %•/,% lolci 10. Soil,, no C O 0 •>. I ing after the kids and seeing to it that cause they used us as mere receptionals

I AODRESS- Spiggy gets a good hot supper after a for their animal lusts . . . well, you know I what I mean, dear Diary. About how G liichen Sink Gill C010I09. I entloie 1 long day helping Dick run the country. I'll be the first to admit that I majored men are only after one thing. Well, right in motherhood and can't always find the there I knew she was barking up the time to be "hep to the jive," as today's wrong tree, as Martha put it. We both young people say. But what happened agreed that John and Spiggy certainly yesterday afternoon certainly opened my may have their faults, but that certainly eyes to all sorts of interesting ideas and isn't one of them. "At least not any people I never could have even imagined more, darn it," Martha giggled, loud back in Baltimore. enough so that some of the women What it was was that Martha Mitch were starting to look at us. It was then ell called up yesterday afternoon and that I noticed Martha had been taking wanted to know if I wanted to have a little "nips" from a brown paper bag in little fun. Right then I knew something her purse. (She's such a character, if you was up, because Martha always wants know what I mean.) to get me involved in something kooky The next speaker was that Gloria after she's had a little sip of you-know- Steinem girl, the skinny one who writes what. Like the time she found John's for the New Yorker magazine, which pistol and gave Dan Moynihan that ter Dick says is practically completely run HNEW ELECTRONIC m-T-I-ntf rible scare. by sissies and communists. Anyway, she Well, anyway, she arrived all in gig was saying that it was wrong that wom JLOVE TESTER5 gles and said that there was going to be en had to cook and sew all the time VRATES YOUR LOVE-ABILITY!* a meeting of the Women's Liberation while men earn big salaries and fool V/s it SIZZLE or FIZZLE?* Front at George Washington University around with their secretaries, on top of ••The all-occasion fun way to substitute•• and wouldn't it be fun if we snuck in to which to whom they don't pay very much ffthe meter's needle for Cupid's arrow. ^ "Great conversation maker. Science's an-™ see what's what? No, I said, and anyway money. She said that too many of us swer. . . from the Lab to the love seat, m* we went to one of their meetings only just sit around the house wasting our V Measures "resistance" of two persons • Wednesday, but Martha said that Wo lives while our husbands, whether they ••when holding hands or kissing. The morew the romance, the higher the meter read- ^ men's Liberation was completely differ mean it or not, keep us from doing a lot V ing. Completely safe, battery-powered, • ent from the D.A.R. and wouldn't be of valuable and creative things. Well, I Vthe LOVE TESTER is a quality electronic *• whispered to Martha that she might have instrument designed for long lasting • half as boring. Wuse. On-off switch, easy read dial. Com-^p By the time Juan dropped us off at a point, because of the way Spiggy plete with carrying case, without battery. ^ Lisner Auditorium, the meeting had al laughed at me when he found my test V (tCQQ SEND CHECK • ready started. The hall was full of a lot results from that Famous Artists School •Only *0?P?.. N°oVc°b. * of beatnik people, but I caught a glimpse and said I couldn't paint a wall, even if V LIDO DESIGNS INC., DEPT.L V of that awful Barbara Howar (the one it was by the numbers. Martha looked at 505 Fifth Ave. • New York, N.Y. 10017 M that's always making goo-eyes at Spiggy me real funny and said that, come to V •N.Y.C. Res. add 36<$ tax, N.Y. State^ think of it, John was always keeping her W Res, add 304 tax. ^f when she thinks I'm not looking), so at least I knew there probably wouldn't be from doing interesting things, too, like

10 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. when he locked up all his bullets in the wall safe. By that time, Martha had finished with her little bag, and started yelling, "Right on, sisters," right in the middle of that New Yorker girl's speech. Nobody noticed too much until Martha accident ally kicked the brown bag she put under her seat and the little bottle rolled down the aisle. Then everybody looked around again, and someone recognized us. In a second, the whole group of them clus tered around us and said it was a really important thing that we were attending the meeting, considering who our hub Collectors hems bies were and all. Well, I didn't want ... That's what they're calling the early issues of the National Lampoon. And to tell the girls that we were only there no wonder. Think of what a deck chair from the Titanic would bring these for a lark, and the next thing I knew, days, or a strut from the Hindenburg, or a complete set of Collier's. If you Martha was agreeing to meet them after don't have the first issues of the National Lampoon, don't worry, you can the speeches for a consciousness-raising still make your grandchildren rich! Order now. session. Well, I put my foot down then APRIL, 1970 - SEX: Including Dr. Ralph Schoenstein's Harris Poll, the and there with Martha and told her that David and Julie True-Romance Comic Book, the Playbore of the Month, I wasn't going to be caught dead with Norman Rockwall's Erotic Drawings, Mondo Perverto Magazine, and Michael a bunch of illegal beatniks raising their O'Donoghue's Pornocopia. consciousnesses on all sorts of pot trips, because I remember the terrible prob MAY, 1970 - GREED: Featuring an exclusive interview with Howard lems we had with Kim and her smoking Hughes, a poster-sized parody of the Wall Street Journal, the Annual Report you-know-what. But Martha was already of the Mafia, the Poor and the Super-Poor, Up With Negroes, and Rick climbing into somebody's station wagon Meyerowitz's touching portrait of Billy Graham. and was singing We Shall Overcome. I JUNE, 1970 - BLIGHT: With Sludge Magazine (the little-known trade pub knew she'd better not be left alone. lication of the pollution industry), Beauty Tips for Mutants, Our Threatened The cars pulled up to a house in Nazis, Jean Shepherd's S.P.L.A.T., Mort Gerberg's trip to colorful Pollution- Georgetown and I made Martha stop land, and Michael O'Donoghue's Extinction Game. singing that Age of Aquarius song and JULY, 1970 - BAD TASTE: Don't miss The Liz Taylor and Richard Burton helped her out. Inside, all the girls sat Gift Catalogue, Nixon's Dream Supreme Court, the Special Mediocrity Sup on the floor in the living room (there plement, A Photographer's Guide to Art and Pornography, and the Most were about a dozen or so) and they Tasteless Article Ever Printed! started talking about how their husbands AUGUST, 1970 - PARANOIA: What would America be like as a second- were male chauffeurs who kept them rate power? Read We're Only Number Two. Also, a Paranoia Map of the from expressing themselves on impor World, Is Nixon Dead? (Well, is he?), The Secret of San Clemente, and the tant subjects. Well, I thought that was most upsetting pile of paranoiac folderol ever compiled! silly and said so in no uncertain terms. The way Juan's wife gives him all get SEPTEMBER, 1970 - SHOW BIZ: Get your mezzanine seats now for the out when he goes to the racetrack on MGM Blackmail Auction, Screen Slime Magazine, Raquel Welch Laid Bare, Saturdays instead of helping her with the Diary of a New Left Starlet, and College Concert Comix! washing certainly can't be called not ex OCTOBER, 1970 - POLITICS: Big Brother is watching you. Fight back with pressing herself, and Juan is the best The Wit, Warmth and Wisdom of John Mitchell, The Day They Shot Spiro . . . male chauffeur Spiggy and I ever had. in the Foot!, The National Lampoon Poll and the President's Commission on Well, the girls said that wasn't really What's What. the point, and one of them asked me if Spiggy hadn't ever kept me from doing To order these back issues, just check off the ones you want in the coupon things I wanted, and I had to admit there below. Return the coupon to us with $1 in bill, check or money order for was that time with the test results. They each copy you'd like. all went "tsk tsk" and said I should have more confidence in myself as a woman, — — —"~—~~i and I had to admit that sounded pretty THE NATIONAL LAMPOON, Dept. NL-1 170, 635 Madison Avenue, reasonable. But I had to go right then New York, N.Y. 10022 because Martha started to get sick on Send me the following: the rug and John worries if she's not # of copies Issue # of copies Issue home by supper. APRIL, 1970 AUGUST, 1970 Speaking of supper, dear Diary, I'd MAY, 1970 SEPTEMBER, 1970 better get started on the steaks because JUNE, 1970 OCTOBER, 1970 Spiggy'll be home in just a minute. Ac JULY, 1970 TOTAL tually, I think I'll just have Juanita heat up what's left of the chili. I'm going to I enclose a total of $ at $1 for each copy requested. This take that Famous Artists Test again amount covers purchase plus shipping and handling. instead. My Name All for now, Address City State Zip- &»h L. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 1 1 IP YOU'RE

TURKEYS- THIS AIN'T THE PLACE. B0FFAL0NG0 Contest Beyond Your Head Entries are sought for the National Lampoon Rumor Derby. Prizes will be awarded for submissions in the following FANTASY categories: Fantasy* Category I. Rumors now or at one time in wide circulation. For example: A mixture of Coke and aspirin will make you drunk; the Red Cross sold doughnuts for $5 during BOBBY G0LDSB0R0 the War; saltpeter is used by institutions to curb sexual drives; tobacco companies have patented brand names for We Gotta Start Lovin" marijuana cigarettes; the moon landing was staged in New Mexico; the peace sign is actually a medieval broken cross symbolizing atheism; scrapings from the insides of banana GROUNDHOGS skins when cooked are as powerful as pot; an oil company bought up and suppressed a simple, cheap device that can Thank Christ For The Bomb make any car get 100 miles to the gallon; and runless stockings and perpetual light bulbs are held off the market GORDON LIGHTFOOT by unscrupulous manufacturers. Category II. Rumors you would like to see put into wide Best of Gordon Lightfoot* circulation. For example: Geritol makes your nose fall off; clams cause cancer; there is a dinosaur embedded in the Hoover Dam; rubber bands are made from toenails; NITTY GRITTY DIRT BAND J. Edgar Hoover has been dead for seven years; Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., is a woman; catsup makes you sterile; Uncle Char ie* Truman Capote is being held prisoner in Bulgaria; Ralph Nader owns 400,000 shares of Chrysler; the Loch Ness monster is a Nazi submarine; and pillows and sleeping JOHNNY RIVERS bags are filled with dead moths. Slim Slo Slider* In both categories, any taint of truth as well as all obvious frauds (such as routine flying saucer stories and run-of- the-mill gossip of the movie-star-weds-dolphin variety) TRAFFIC should be avoided. Prizes will be awarded to submissions in category I on the basis of quantity, absurdity and un- John Barleycorn Must Die* familiarity; in category II, on the basis of inventiveness, believability and originality. Any number of submissions 'Also available on cartridge and cassette. may be made to either or both categories. First prize in each category is a one-year subscription for you to the only magazine Hitler allows in his hacienda ( the National Lampoon) and a Christmas gift subscription for anyone you choose. Runners-up in each category will receive a ALL WINNERS! one-year subscription to the magazine Howard Hughes has left for him every month in a hollow cactus in Las Vegas (the National Lampoon). Decision of the judge (Roy LihBPty/UAJnc. r Crater) is final. Address all entries to Miss Mary Marsh- An Kntrrtainmcnt Service of Tranxamrrirn Corporation mallow, Rumor Editor, the National Lampoon, 635 Madison Avenue, N.Y., N.Y. 10022.

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8135. Television-A Pictorial History: HOW SWEET 2962. THE ANNOTATED ALICE: Alice's Adventures 8955. JUSTINE or The Misfortunes of Virtue. By Mar IT WAS. By A. Shulman & R. Youman. Huge his in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass. By quis de Sade. Critical and historical introduction torical panorama with 1,435 photos and com Lewis Carroll. Illus. by John Tenniel. With Introd. by C. D. B. Bryan. New complete and unexpur- mentary of the shows, personalities, comedians, & Notes by Martin Gardner. The complete text gated translation of the most famous and notori music, specials, panels and quiz shows. Congres and original illus. in the only fully annotated edi ous work of the strangest figure in literary history sional hearings, news shots, campaigns and elec tion. Notes are concurrent with the text on all — a tale in which vice and evil reign supreme and tions; from trivial moments to significant events the jokes, games, parodies, puzzles, etc. with reflect the bizarre philosophy and twisted sexuality — unique and fascinating. 8V4" x 10%". which Carroll filled his writings. Size 8\L" x 12". of its author. Orig. Pub. at $12.50 Only $4.95 Orig. Pub. at $10.00 Pub. at $5.00 Only $1.98 New, complete ed., Only $3.95 8326. THE COLLECTED DRAWINGS OF AUBREY 833. SEXUAL SELF-STIMULATION. By R. E. L. Mas BEARDSLEY. Appreciation by Arthur Symons. Ed. ters. Examines history and techniques of male and by B. Harris. 214 Illus. The most unique, com female masturbatory practices including physical prehensive collection ever published — full of aspects and the erotic fantasies employed. Filled Beardsley's beauty and decadence, sensuality and with remarkable case histories. sin. Incl. all major works and many previously Pub. nt $7.50 Only $3.95 suppressed, complete catalog, informative text and a large section of wicked forgeries. 8V2" x 11". Extraordinary value. 2959. THE ANNOTATED MOTHER GOOSE. Introd. Only $2.98 & Notes by Wm. S. & Ceil Baring-Gould. Over 200 illus. by Caldecolt, Crane, Greenaway, Rack- ham, Parrish & Historical Woodcuts. The com plete text and illustrations in a fully annotated edition containing more than 1,000 separate rhymes — original, variations, sources and allusions. Orig. Pub. at $10.00. '/ '• (petermais,' New, complete ed.. Only $3.95 2767. BUCK ROGERS: The Collected Works in the 25th Century. Introd. by Ray Bradbury. 1232. THE ART OF W. C. FIELDS. By Wm. K. Comic strip and space buffs will revel in this Everson. With 128 photos. Here in detail are all careful selection from 40 years of the strips of the Fields' movies demonstrating his unique starting in 1929. Over 1000 of them repro duced in color and monochrome on 400 pages. antics and imagination with masterful pantomine. Massive 11" x 14" volume. 7i/4" x 10'/i". Pub. at $15.00 Only $6.95 Pub. at $7.50. Only $2.98

8500. C. W. Ceram: ARCHAEOLOGY OF THE CINEMA 9636. ABZ OF LOVE. By Inge & Stan Hegeler. This 293 Photos. Unique, definitive history of the cine is not a book for beginners — it is written by a ma before 1897 overflowing with memorabilia. The Danish married couple, both doctors, both psychol 2650. THE PETER MAX POSTER BOOK. By Peter whole fascinating story of the film from its earliest ogists, in blunt, non-technical language and illus Max. Twenty-four giant 12" x 17" full-color inception, with absorbing accounts of the pioneers. trated with candor — it is what it purports to be: posters, each perfect for framing, or hanging Pub. at $6.50 Only $3.95 an important book on Sex, and an enlightening unframed by the leading poster artist in the guide to a complete and happier sex life. It world. Includes concise biography of the artist stormed the best-seller lists in Denmark, Sweden, and some personal reflections on the nature, 6658. TOWARD AN UNDERSTANDING OF HOMO Norway and Holland and has reached over 1,000,- quality, and significance of his art. Softbound. SEXUALITY. By Dr. Daniel Cappon. With detailed 000 readers. 120 illustrations. Only $3.95 descriptions of case histories, Dr. Cappon shows Pub. at $10.00 Only $4.98 that there is hope for those condemned to a life time of sexual deviance. It is curable as its under 546. LOVE IN ANCIENT ROME. By P. Grimal. Un 3198. SEXUAL BEHAVIOR IN THE COMMUNIST lying causes are reversible. inhibited, panorama of life in Rome and all its WORLD. By P. Stafford. Illus. Unexpurgated eye Pub. at $6.95 Only $1.98 variations, from its founding to the Julian-Claudian witness account of love and sex behind the Iron dynasties. Curtain incl. China, East Germany and Russia. Orig. Pub. at $5.95 Only $1.98 Pub. at $8.50 Only $2.98 8320. SEXERCISES: Isometric and Isotonic. By E. O'Reilly, M.A., M.S.P.E. 300 Photos. Approved exercises to develop those muscles directly con cerned with sexual activity of both men and MAIL THIS COUPON TODAY!! women to produce maximum pleasure in the sexual fulfillment of marriage. Pub. at $4.95 Only $2.98 NEW SPECTRUM BOOKS, Dept, 11, Box 965 F.D.R. Post Office Sta., New York, N.Y. 10022 2788. THE ARTS OF THE ALCHEMISTS. By C. A. Please send me the book bargains circled below. Burland. 138 magnificent Illustrations, 8 in Full Color in lively survey of the work of alchemists through the centuries. A unique mixture of mysti MINIMUM ORDER $3. cism, psychology, philosophy and chemistry. 7V«" On orders totaling $3. to $10. add 350 for shipping charges. x 10". Pub. at $9.95 Only $3.95 On orders over $10. no charge for shipping. Add 350 per title for deliveries outside continental U.S. Enclosed find $_ 623. SEX-DRIVEN PEOPLE. By R. E. L. Masters. Send check or money order only. Payable to New Spectrum Books. First-person case histories of nymphophiles (child- lovers), bestiality (homosexual and heterosexual) Sales Tax: For delivery in Manhattan, add 5%. For delivery elsewhere in New York and others driven to unusual needs for erotic re State, add 2 lease regardless of the means required to obtain it. Prepared by noted authority in the field of sexual 8135 833 2959 1232 8500 6658 8320 2788 623 psychopathology. Pub. at $6.50 Only $3.95 672 2962 2767 9636 546 8955 8326 2650 , 3198

NAME. 672. THE PHOTOGRAPHIC MANUAL OF SEXUAL (please print) INTERCOURSE. Intro, by Dr. Albert Ellis. By L. R. O'Conner. A major breakthrough in sex educa tion! Unlocks the treasures of sexual pleasure (address) with the aid of over 150 actual photos in Full Color, and monochrome of a married couple engaged in sexual intercourse positions. An extraordinary de tailed text. The most sophisticated, modern and up-to-date marriage manual ever written. For sale to adults over 21 only. (city) (state) (zip) i',.hi;..t....i r.i ero CK n«!u Copyrightto o* © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. horrorscope graphology (graf ol o je) n., F. graphologie. The study of handwriting, regarded as an expression of the writer's character and as a means of predicting his future.

November 1, 1970 (autograph scrawl) coax Mideast bigwigs Golda Meir, Newark's white schoolchildren to "sep Red-hot superstar Elliott Gould and Yasir Arafat and King Hussein into arate but equal" Quonset hut class Bronx-beaked songstress Barbra Streis appearing together on the same stage. rooms in the heart of New Jersey's and are remarried, after a lengthy sep Rising to the occasion, Griffin leads a Great Swamp. aration, on the set of Gould's new movie, 90-minute discussion of midi versus Funny Man, in which Miss Streisand mini fashions, New York City's cab- November 23, 1970 (slanted letters) De plays a cameo role. The ceremony is drivers and today's "crazy dances." claring that "a quick death in the gas performed by Miss Streisand's agent. chamber is too good for degenerate November 13, 1970 (split "t"s) Contract commie scum like Charles Manson," November 6, 1970 (letters clipped from negotiations are angrily broken off be Vice-President Spiro Agnew challenges magazines) While on a fact-finding tour tween Twentieth Century-Fox and the hirsute hippie cult leader to two of South America, administration critic sometime gridiron star Joe Namath. rounds of golf and a set of tennis. Senator William Fulbright is kidnapped Source of the difficulty is apparent dis November 25,1970 (carbon copy) Trag by Uruguayan rebels. U.S. Marines im agreement over role' Broadway Joe is mediately surround the Uruguayan Em edy strikes the Kennedy clan again as expected to play in new sci-fi spectacu Kennedy brother-in-law Steven Smith bassy in Washington, and Defense lar, It Came from Beneath a Rock. Secretary Melvin Laird warns that the and his lifeless companion Bubbles LaRue are fished from the Hudson building and its inhabitants will be November 17, 1970 (block letters) Scof River by a team of Navy frogmen. burned to the ground if Fulbright is re fing at "ecological alarmists" who claim Smith claims that he and Miss LaRue, turned unharmed. the aquatic balance of nature has been whom he identified as the family gov upset by the dumping of obsolete WW II erness, were on their way to Palisades November 9,1970 (crooked consonants) nerve gas off the eastern coast of Florida, Amusement Park for a midnight roller Dismissing reports that he prefers to Army Chief of Staff Westy Westmore coaster ride when he took a wrong turn take his foreign policy cues from White land invites reporters to join him in a onto the "poorly marked and treacher House braintruster Henry Kissinger, dip in the "pure, unaltered" waters off ous" George Washington Bridge. President Richard Nixon accepts "with" Miami Beach. As reporters look on, regret" the resignation of apparently Westmoreland and a photographer from ailing Secretary of State William Rogers. November 28, 1970 (paranoid scrawl) The Washington Post are eaten by a Aging courtroom enfant terrible Until a suitable replacement can be school of 85-foot sea worms. found, Nixon announces the interim ap William Kunstler is shot five times in the pointment of a 50-pound sack of marsh- head today by Chicago police as he mallows and an autographed picture of November 20, 1970 (omitted consonant entered his apartment with what author John Foster Dulles. endings) In an effort to eliminate "wide ities termed a bagful of "sophisticated spread de facto segregation," black high explosives." After the area is November 10, 1970 (infantile scribble) Mayor Kenneth Gibson initiates pro cleared, a bomb squad detachment After prolonged negotiations, producers gram titled, "What's Good for the moves in and successfully defuses seven of The Merv Griffin Show are able to Goose." Plan involves the busing of cantaloupes and a honeydew melon. •

All the best wars have them. And in his own way Miles Davis The War of 1812 had "The Star is even more of a problem. No Spangled Banner." The Civil War words. Of course his new listeners had "When Johnny Comes have finally got an album of his live Marching Home Again." From from the Fillmore. But that's World War I, there was "Over nowhere near the war. There." Or "Mademoiselle From So you see, something must be Armentieres." And World War II wrong. Because Vietnam really had "Praise The Lord And Pass needs a hit. And these musicians The Ammunition." won't even give it a song. It's unheard of: a war without music. How do you sell it to the public? What do the men sing as they go into battle? SANTANA/ABKAXAS They certainly can't sing anything from Santana's new e"tei£ album. Latin rhythms fused with rock were never meant for marching. And there's no help from The Flock either. Because "Dinosaur Swamps" is too much of a musical fantasy for Vietnam's reality trip. On the other hand, Johnny Winter does have his own brand of blues-rock. Plus his new band: The McCoys. But they just don't have a martial look.

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Nostalgia is a dream based on incorrect recollection. It is fun to play in groups of one or less. Its popularity is universal, as it is one of the few things that can be completely controlled by the indi vidual. Here are some suggested settings for the amateur nostalgic. Use these to build on and fool your friends, too, while you are fooling yourself. "To me, nostalgia is a pain in the ass," is some thing Oscar Wilde might have said if he wasn't always trying to show off how smart he was. On the other hand, nostalgia is claimed to be an excellent character-building deterrent and hair preparation. BY ARNOLD ROTH THE mnmouMkhk

^M NOSTALGIA LO#T INKOCENCE HctfrAKlA.

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IF00P Nosfolflia Copyright © 2007 National LampoonEtmuiNostakia Inc. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. * i ne Dink Patrol and the Love Slaves of Xuyan Tan Phu He sprayed the crazed killer-kids, knocking them over like dominoes... All that stood between him and certain death was his Ml6 and a handful of bubble gum...

By Mike O'Donoghue (US Army Ret.)

A twig snapped. Reacting with all the man-jack of us would follow the crazy town. I went in first, alone, cautiously speed and precision of a coiled spring, sonofabitch into hell without batting an advancing down the road with my rifle I spun around and let loose with a burst eyelash. at the ready. The joint looked deserted. from my Ml6. It caught the dink in the Moving through the dense under Maybe the Commies had seen us com neck. She stood there, her face a curious brush, the relentless Vietnamese sun ing and decided to take a powder. But mixture of shock and surprise. Then, as broiling my back, the leech-infested then a zipper-eye came out from a hut. a last vicious act, like a marlin that still mud tearing at my boots, my mind went Then another. And another. Within snaps after it's in the boat, she threw her back over the three years I had spent in scant seconds, the road was swarming doll at me . . . and crumbled. But I hit this squalid country. I recalled the with them. The mob had encircled me. the dirt before she did. The seconds countless times the shifty, unprincipled I was cut off. ticked by like years ... 8 ... 9 ... 10 natives had taken me for a chump. I There I was, surrounded by women ...11. ..12... Nothing happened. was 9,000 miles away from home, laying and children. Raw hate gleamed in their The doll must have been a dud. I got up my life on the line to protect their free eyes like cold steel. "Yankee go home!" slowly, dusted myself off and remarked, dom, and the slimy little yellow bastards was written all over their cruel, Mongol to no one in particular, "Scratch another screwed me every chance they got. There faces. They started to come at me, hands slant-eye!" was the street urchin who burned me for outstretched, clutching, grasping, claw We were out on dink patrol. As part a sawbuck on a dope deal. Once I was ing. Without warning, one of them of a Special Forces S&K (Search and stopped by a kid who said, "Hey, dog screamed, "You give chew gum, Joe!" Kill) team, the Hueys had.dropped us face! You want make rub-rub with my My blood froze. My heart hammered at a clearing in the U Minh forest near mama? She plenty good! She virgin!" against my rib cage like a pneumatic the southern tip of the Mekong Delta. "What the hell!" I thought to myself drill. Knowing that one slip would be We had orders to investigate Xuyan Tan and followed him down the narrow, my last, I swung my automatic weapon Phu, a town G-2 had reason to believe twisting alleys of Saigon until he finally up to gut level and barked, "Freeze, was a Class I Viet Cong outpost in con indicated a doorway. I threw open the Jocko! One more peep outta you and-" trol of the dread Ta Doi (Dragon) Di door. Inside sat a girl, not more than But he kept coming, demanding Her- vision. This report was based on infor 15, wearing only a pair of sheer, lace shey bars and powdered milk. Holding mation obtained from a VC prisoner panties, which she slipped off as soon my ground, I squeezed off a warning minutes before they'd chucked him as I entered. Pale moonlight splashed shot that caught him squarely in the from a chopper hovering 800 feet over through a window and bathed her right temple. He dropped in his tracks. Yu'Chiang. He had also confessed to nakedness She was beautiful, as wogs As if triggered by a secret signal, the kidnapping the Lindbergh baby and go. I took her in my arms. Her face villagers immediately ducked for cover, promised us a secret cure for cancer if was alive with passion and desire. Her playing the old Asian game of attack we let him live. warmth was reaching me. I lifted her and retreat. A few, in an obvious The company commander gave us the until our lips met. She clung to me, her diversionary tactic, threw themselves at dope on the mission before we shoved firm, ripe breasts heaving with the my feet, begging, "No shoot . . . please off. When he was done, he paused brief ecstacy of the moment, her moist lips ... we give up, boss!" But they weren't ly and added, "You're going into 'no- making promises and delivering. "Take getting off that easy. They asked for a man's-land,' that is to say, a village run me!" she pleaded. "Take me now!" I fight and now they were going to get it. by savage women and children. Any threw her to the floor, flung off my "Eat lead, heathen gooks!" I shouted body who wants to pull out can do so clothes and fell on her. Rapture had its and swung into action, sending a hail right now and no one will think the less way. The next morning, after shoving a of hot slugs slashing into the quivering of him!" We stared at him with un fistful of piasters into her grateful hands Orientals that knelt before me. If there's blinking eyes. Nobody moved. Nobody that still trembled from excitement, I one thing I can't stand, it's a coward. left, never to return. All in all, it cost spoke a word. He put on his helmet and, By now my buddies had joined in, me a little under three dollars. A few flashing a look of grim determination, raking the Reds with a withering bar days later, I began to itch. The crummy hollered, "Let's get this show on the rage of flying steel, hacking them apart broad had given me the crabs. road!" His name was Captain Lock- with everything we had, from a blister port. He was tough, he was flashy, he The eerie cry of a chicken jolted me ing rain of small-arms fire to a howling threw away the rule book. And every back to reality. We had reached the mortar barrage. Not one shot was re- (conlinued) Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 21 (continued) turned. It was apparent that we'd caught They said — " I hosed her down with my later and let fly with the works-HEs, them off guard. Ml6, watching the bullets walk across APs, incendiaries. Flames licked the Covered by riveting machine guns her chest and chew her up. She had be 'sky. Occasionally, a dazed survivor that fed belt after belt into the bamboo trayed herself as a trained agent, ready would stagger from the inferno, only to huts, I pressed our advantage by leading to infiltrate and sell us out to the Com be stitched by a sizzling cross fire. It a charge into the main village. "Okay, mies. HerChink masters had taken great looked like we had it on ice when sud you meatballs!" I snarled. "Let's go get pains to teach her English. They'd denly the swirling smoke parted and 'em!" Counting- a two-second delay, I shown her how to flatter and how to there stood the man that every G I fears lobbed a sputtering, phosphorous in play upon a GI's innate compassion and the most — the Geneva Conference Ob cendiary grenade into a group of so- goodwill. But they forgot one thing — server! called "civilians" huddled outside the they forgot that it takes more than a Whipping out my .45, I darted after church, undoubtedly plotting some pretty face and a few rosary beads to him, but he was gone before I could get ruthless counter-assault. It clobbered bamboozle an old combat-happy vet off a shot. Half choking on cordite them like a bowling ball hitting the one- like me. fumes, I raced into the blazing village, three pocket. Outside, the battle had erupted into a knowing that if I didn't bag him, he'd I hurled myself through the church blasting hell. Chattering M60s under blab to all those nelly Congressmen, door. Inside, pressed against the floor, scored the scorching salvos of the 105s homo non-combatants, kooky eggheads lay half a dozen curvaceous young girls. tearing the town to shreds. The villagers and assorted fruitcakes who would love They wore only scraps of clothing that now realized that their ambush had to raise a stink just because the dinks we revealed their nubile bodies and jutting failed, that this was the end of the line. zapped may have worn the wrong color breasts. I'd read in one of those men's There was no hiding from the United pajamas. Needless to say, he'd neglect magazines about how the VC's keep States Army. I saw a shavetail send a to mention the cache of jagged scythes, love slaves who cater to their every spray of bullets crashing into a party of pointed hoes, sharpened digging sticks whim, shameless sluts who give them Vietnamese who foolishly assumed that and all the other tools of terror we had selves to any man who asks. This bevy they could cheat the undertaker by uncovered. This much was dead certain of buxom beauties who lay panting be merely raising their hands and waving — I had to shoot his mouth off before he fore me, wantonly displaying their a white flag. Some mothers cradled did. charms, were probably the love slaves babies in their arms, as if using their I caught sight of him cowering be of Xuyan Tan Phu. They began jabber very children as a human shield would hind a frangi bush. As soon as he saw ing at me in their weird lingo, trying to thwart their own deaths. No such luck. me, he bolted. I emptied my .45 at the lure me into some deadly trap. "Kee- From the corner of my eye, I spotted fleeing figure, cursed and took out after ripes! That mumbo-jumbo's enough to one of the enemy making a break for him. I chased him up hills, across rivers, give a guy the willies!", I thought to the jungle. Since he stood no more than through rice paddies. We ran for miles. myself as I slammed in another banana two feet tall, he was going to be hard to Then it happened. I tripped over a vine clip and opened up. "Die, moon-face!" hit. It's a common Cong trick to deploy and went down. I was stunned. Pain I growled as the spitting lead ripped I small soldiers who make bad targets. As ignited my head and swept down my into one of them. The rest made for the he toddled toward the foliage, I knew spine. My mouth was filled with the door, but I cut them down before they I'd only have one chance to plug him. salty taste of blood. Somehow, I man could take two steps. Taking careful aim, I fired and... bingo! aged to stumble to my feet. I could Only one was left. She knew the game He spun as the steel-jacketed slugs hardly walk. I was exhausted. Sheer guts was up. But a cornered rat will try any struck home and went down like a was the only thing driving me on. Sheer thing. When I raised my rifle to finish canvas-back duck that just stopped a guts, and the terrible knowledge that the the job, she cried, "What are you doing? load of No. 5'/2 buckshot. "Bite dust, whole ball game was riding on one man Why are you slaughtering innocent slopehead!" I hollered, riddling his body — me! women, children and infants? We are until the clip ran out. Finally, I cornered him. "You not NLF sympathizers! We are just Pulling back to the perimeter of the butchering swine!" he screamed de- harmless peasants! The mission fathers village, we radioed HQ to send in the mentedly. "You've violated internation who taught me your language also "zoomies" to blow it. The tree-skim al agreements, treaties, pacts—" "Nuts taught me that Americans were kind! ming bombers arrived tense moments to you, buster!" I replied, lashing out with a sledgehammer blow to the crotch. He toppled over with a groan. These Swiss talk big, but they're not so tough when you get them alone. He tried crawling away, but I soon put an end to that with a lightning-fast kick to the head that laid him out for the count. I leapt on him and then pummeled him with pile-driving fury, each dull thud turning his face to hamburger. "You maniac . . ." he managed to mutter, and croaked. Just to make certain, I cut off his head. By the time I got back to the village, it was nearly twilight. The dying sun shot its last rays through the smolder ing trees. As I stood at the outskirts, watching our guys silently sifting the eroc^^AJ'. ruins for souvenirs to send home to their sweethearts, a medic rushed up to me and asked, "Are you okay, Chaplain?" "You never knew your Uncle Elroy. He disappeared down a little "It's nothing," I replied, "only a flesh girl's dress in '52." wound." •

22 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. The next 20 pages are dedicated to the years 1950-1959, a time of turbulence and self-searching for America. Return with us now to those thrilling days of slightly warmed pancake batter ...

rHROW YOUR OWN 1950's PARTY! N Here's all you do: \ (1) cut out this special \ DICK CLARK PARTY MASK, (2) call up the gang,'\ (3) lay in some Coke \ and potato chips, «7 (4) put some platters (5) fall asleep. \ Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 23 Remember the Teen-age Death songs of the '50's and by Christopher Cerf early '60's? Great, weren't they? Now comes a game that will actually enable you to Characters in Death Game relive the lives (and redie the deaths) of those wonderful heroes and heroines from Teen Angel and Tell Laura I Teen Angel Love Her and Honey and Patches and all your favorite songs (or most of them, anyway)! The Leader of the Pack All you need to do to play the wonderful TEEN-AGE Honey The Mother (from / Can Never Go Home Anymore) DEATH SONG GAME is gather a group of from two to Pat Boone's Girl Friend (from Moody River) 10 convivial death-song lovers; select, from the list Tommy (from Tell Laura I Love Her) below, the character each player is to represent; place Jimmy and Mary (from Give Us Your Blessings) the appropriate tokens on the "START" square (Square #1); and get hold of a pair of dice. Each player rolls in Patches (The following may be used only if there are turn and advances his token the number of spaces the nine or more players.) dice call for. All instructions on the game board must be followed implicitly. The last player alive at the end of Patches' Boyfriend the game is THE WINNER! J. Frank Wilson's Girl Friend (from Last Kiss)

The Sawmill (where Billie Joe McAllisterjjn

*£&&<** ^fe^^*^M^i*&* -»>* V°%

o^o^ofV Passed safely by all except TEEN ANGEL, who stalls for 1 turn on the tracks. IF she has received her high school ring before landing i ne Kjoai iara here (#2), she goes "back to find it and is CRUSHED TO DEATH by the Dedham 3:30 local! Otherwise, she proceeds intact. %%&£&&. All cross safely includ ing PATCHES unless •^rr* her BOYFRIEND'S J_5 lUllilril folks have already 1 said, "No," in which case she jumps in the water and DROWNS!

»The Jewelry Store CandyN Store

fo2ehS Shanties with shutters 'S. torn down *-^«rc«x "%\ Patches' Shanty Llfc* v&*°:*A*' * IF PATCHES has already The Leader drowned (#5), her dis of the Pack's house traught BOYFRIEND, crying, "Patches, I'm coming to you!", plunges into the river THEWfcONO and DIES! Otherwise, he proceeds safely, as do all^ SIDE Of TOWN other players.

Where MARY's folKs, THE LEADER OF THE PACK'S qirl friend's folks, PATCHES' v BOYFRIEND'S folks, and THE «*.««*» v • • • •^•'^MOTHER from / Can Never Go Home tipc e* \ #*#*#*« • rS^ Anymore live. When they or their • • relatives (as the case may ***» d* • • • • • • Q- becomes so lonely that it seems only a matter of time A^ before the Angels will "take *>^°oo*' < J£%> .• • her"; >$& • «*." Mime mm b) MARY's folks deny her • •- permission to marry JIMMY, clouding the lovers' eyes with tears; c) THE LEADER OF THE • • •* Q • • 1. START — Race begins at a deadly PACK'S girl friend's dad > • < * pace. TOMMY in 3d place. says, "Find someone new." d) PATCHES' BOYFRIEND'S folks, declaring "a girl from that place" will just bring him disgrace,forbid the romance to continue.

All pass safely except PAT BOONE's GIRL FRIEND from Moody River, who pauses here 1 turn to meet the handsome singer. If TOMMY lands here, he must All goes well unless she has al proceed, without further ado, ready cheated on him (#8), in to the RACING GROUND which case she leaves a suicide (#RG-1), there to await his note by her glove and LEAPS TO A next turn and Destiny WATERY GRAVE!

The sign for a stock oar race [it reads $1000 prize The Chapel (presided over by Brother Taylor) where Laura prays

The Old Oak Tree J (planted by Honey) ^.M^**> Running Bear - "Endless Sleep" m nn~i nr^i rm f^^~r Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. If you stuck this on your bumper in the '50's, you got your tires slashed. And maybe your throat.

These items at left are facsimiles of costume • jewelry once popular ®P&\\ i n the middle of that \ dynamite decade. fP £* I Paste one over your ^J VP I "Fuck for Peace" button. I It'll really turn Dad's ' head around.

Teen Tunes Recording, Inc. New York, New York &zr4 ..rfag G£> 1 ORDER OF A/^K^/ /v•Z£6t)1 -$ i?c*> —_ Alan Freed U^-eJ>M-^ A^u^r^s oc^J _&!z. DOLLARS was the man most responsible Chase Chemical Grace Trust Company for putting New York, New York Rock where it is today. This document /V^pr^j/^ put Alan Freed frr &?**• where he is today.

Sunglasses? Ashtrays? No, these are Copyrightold Buick holes .© Past 2007e four alonNationalg the side oLampoonf your Volks. UsInc.e only three if,you own the cheaper model. Sponsored by the National Association of Citizens for Peace, Copyright 1952.

Cut out and paste back-to-back, and you are now an official Joe McCaithy card-carrying Communist.

OFFICIAL ^ * 23-D-99 • AMERICAN COMMUNIST New York City, N.Y. YOUR PHOTO PARTY HERE Party Cell 8390AA DD City, State Date Approved by:

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1 Any drip who tries to bird dog you almost won ... you will have your baby will have a real blast these moments to remember with from your homemade zip gun. your 14-karat gold charm bracelet. Snap off some cube's car aerial for 6 No tan shoes with pink shoe a barrel, make the firing pin in shop laces? Spiff up those loafers with class and load with .22 caliber a bright, shiny, 1954 quarter. bullets. 2 Not old enough for "16 7 You can step on my blue suede candles"? Your pajama-party pals shoes, but you better lay off my will make you a dog biscuit engineer boots with the razor corsage for your 13th birthday. blade in the sole. Just for kicks, Jelly beans for your 14th, etc., etc. gang. 8 Kookie, Kookie, lend me ... 3 If the Math teacher is cruisin' your comb. Preferably a rattail for a bruisin', give him a taste of 9-incher encased in hardened your garrison belt. Sharpen the Lucky Tiger hair wax. 9 The High buckle edges for best results. School Ring. Legal tender for 4 Bubble gum. ("All right, wise guy, "third base." 10 The (gasp) Ankle swallow it!") 5 The quiet walks, Bracelet. Wear over sweatsocks, the noisy fun, the ballroom prize under nylon stockings.

Remember when Mom wouldn't let you out of the house on hot summer days? And no swimming at the pool when you were "overheated" —the only time you wanted to swim, right? This charming Iron Lung Donation Box is one bit of nostalgia that no longer plagues our supermarkets and drugstore counters, thanks to Dr. Salk. Well, actually thanks to Dr. Sabin.

Rupert L. Peen But your loyalty to the Bobcat Brown and Green went (1871-1956) beyond the classroom, Mr. Peen. We remembered how you cheered and cheered at every football game, never forgetting Senior Civics to ask the quarterback for a small memento of victory for your collection ... a spiked kicking shoe, a damp, mud- To you, Mr. Peen, the Ezra Taft Benson Bobcats of 1956 caked Bobcat jersey. We remember, too, your warm, won respectfully dedicate this edition of Cat-Calls. Your lifelong derful grin and twinkling eyes as you stood watching us in devotion to Senior Civics was always reflected in your our after game showers. interesting discussions on how our government works and We are truly sorry, too, for the unkind jokes we made how it could be improved. You introduced each civics class about your cough and those nicknames like "Hacker" and to the world of ideas, and there are few of us who will ever "Old Croupy." We had no idea at the time you had cancer forget your lectures on the little-known benefits of the World of the trachea. Socialist League and the slide shows of happy Russian The Bobcats of 1956 are saddened by your passing away, peasants you always brought back from your summer trips and wish to extend our continued good wishes and respect, abroad. wherever you may be.

To the Class of '56 Dear Seniors, A famous man once said, "A cent perspiration." It is sad but true chain is only as strong as its weakest that these individuals may appear link." This means that Life, like anywhere, even in the classroom, Football, is based on team effort. and often their subversive ideas are Your club, school or country, is a not uncovered until after they have team, and your team can be weak passed from the scene. ened by even a single unreliable or On the Team of Life some will be disloyal teammate. As your team quarterbacks, some will be cheer goes forth into the promise of the leaders, and some will only warm future, be ever vigilant for those the bench; but whatever our posi "weak links" who spread discontent, tions on that greatest of teams, let us habitually "rock the boat" or gen all dedicate ourselves to keeping it erally act in a suspicious manner. on the winning side of the score Keeping your eyes peeled for these board. individuals is not always easy, but, Sincerely yours, as Thomas Edison said, "Vigilance Ralph C. Krintzler is 2 per cent inspiration and 98 per Principal

Food Services Office Staff Left to right: Mrs. E. Sobel, Mrs. B. Latvia, Mrs. Left to right: Mrs. Ethel Loach, Mrs. Marjorie J. Kresnik, Mrs. D. Strogoff Klishner, Mrs. Edith Mulch

Science Department Athletic Department Mr. Bernard Bunsen Mr. Fred Thamme

CARL CZOUROWSKI BRUCE FOX "Moose" "Buzz" Varsity Football, Varsity Bas President of Student Council, ketball, Varsity Baseball, Var Co-Captain Varsity Football, sity Track, Varsity Wrestling, President National Honor So Varsity Weight Lifting, All- ciety, Class Valedictorian, County Football Cup, Mc- President of Senior Class, Edi Loon Athletics Award, Reme tor of Cat-Calls, Vice-Presi dial English Club. dent of Senior Class, Rotary Scholarship, Citizenship Spotlight on sports!.."plowed" Award, Benson Basketball . . . fuel-injected 'vette . . . Award, Chairman Senior "Wanna knuckle sandwich?" Prom Committee, Boys' Lead . . . gross-out... a future Ma ership Club, Treasurer of Se rine . . . hates homos. nior Class, Student Executive Council, V.F.W. Patriotism Award, President of Drama Club, Junior Red Cross, Var sity Track, Varsity Basketball, Sports Council, Secretary of Senior Class, Senior Prom King, Tri-Y, Editor of Cat- MARY-ELIZABETH Tales, Neatness Citation. FLOUNCE "Winkie" Firm handshake and a win Pep Club, Senior Twirlers, ning smile .. ."Hi!"... friendly Prom Committee, Bobcat and outgoing . . . a leader of Boosters, Senior Prom Queen, men... nice guy to all... well- Catnips, Social Editor of Cat- liked . . . sincere . . ."terrific!" Calls, Treasurer of Student . . . Mr. Popularity . . . going Council, Charm Club, Honor places ... a future pharmacist! Volleyball, Honor Bowling, Honor Softball, Senior Cheer ing, Drama Club, Spanish Club, Caterwaulers, Bobkit- WALLACE HOOPER tens, Whiskerettes, Girls' "Gus-Gus" Leaders Club, National Honor 2d tuba in Caterwaulers, gos Society, Bobcadettes. sip column in Cat-Tales, Span 1 •m.•». * ^ Personality plus . . . pert 'n' ish Club. perky . . . a busy bee . . . gift Class clown .. . wisecracks . .. of gab . . . tall and slim . . . bow ties ... a regular Milton nice to everyone . . . a born Berle . . . spitball champ . . . leader ... neat dresser. . . nice fruit boots . . . a laugh and a to everyone . . . winning laugh half . . ."Drink your soup be . . . the stage is her destiny— fore it clots!" or maybe marriage . . ."Oh, fudge!"

SHIRLEY KRESNIK "Tiny" Honor Volleyball, Home Eco nomics Club, Spanish Club, Bobcat Boosters, Tidiness Committee. Pleasingly plump . . . new comer from St. Helena High ... lots of school spirit... digs Rory Calhoun, stuffed animals . . . mad about malteds . . . many pen pals . . . freckles ... circle pin . . . loads of laughs . . . loves pizza with the works . . . a fun kid . . ."Gee, that looks yummy!"

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. LLOYD MELTZER ROCCO VASELINO "Einstein" "J.D." Stamp Club, Radio Club, Math Industrial Arts, Accordion Club, State Science Fair Hon Club. orable Mention, Biology Club, Science Club, J.V. Badminton. Lady-killer . . . ace mechanic . . . snow job . . . chopped and Uses big words . . . a real whiz channeled Merc... laying rub at math . , . four eyes . . ."the ber . . . midnight mover . . . Brain". . . cries in gym . . . tooling past the Dairy Queen "Help, Moose is after me!" . . . smooth operator . . . white sidewalls . . . cha-cha champ.

MARCIA PERULKA VERONICA WEBER "Sarge" "Jugs" Honor Volleyball, Honor Bas Bobcat Boosters, Catnips, ketball, Honor Field Hockey, Spanish Club. Honor Softball, Honor Arch ery, Honor Water Polo, Honor Flirt . . . nice figure . . . sub Ping-Pong, Honor Wrestling, marine races. . ."padiddle".. . Rifle Club. built for speed . . '.'Not here!" . . . 2d base on first date . . . A real go-getter . . . Don't step vacations in Puerto Rico . . . on her white bucks . . . flame- "Help, Moose is after me!" red Harley-Davidson . . . "Wanna make something of it, mac?". . . a future practical nurse.

LEONARD WUMKE RONALD SCHNISSEL "Yo-Yo" "Zits" Hall Monitor, Study Hall Winner of Class Day Lottery. Proctor, School Yard Police, A good listener. f"5 Chairman Student Discipline Committee, Good Citizenship Council, Attendance Officer, Student Court Prosecutor, Cafeteria Squad, Tidiness Offi cer, Lavatory Patrol, Rifle Club.

Popular with the faculty . . . quiet... tennis shoes ... keeps to himself . . ."Help, Moose is after me!"

CHARLOTTE ULBO "Charlotte" Typing Club II. Neat and well-groomed ... a smile for all. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. SPANISH CLUB The Spanish Club meets weekly to gain a better understanding of our less fortunate neighbors to the south. Spanish plays, art and souvenirs are keenly discussed, and collections of milk money BOBCADETTES are annually pledged to the Latin American Poor The Ezra Taft Benson Bobcadettes have cheered People's Fund. our Bobcats to a respectable 2-6 season, three games Left to right: R. Duhart, V. Ferrara, S. Jamus, of which, while not actual victories, were either M. Kurt lander, G. Prussak, K. Stern, A. Valle, extremely close or practically ties. D. Moloney, D. Russell, J. Subetto, L. Towbis, Left to right: B. Hopkins, L. Langdorf, C. Robon- H. Vital, M. Moller, T. Lynch, W. Kiltenis, D. son, V. Cummings. Cooper, I. Geist, J. Durak, B. Charles, R. Bojack, <•• F. Ainsworth, J. Grayson, A. Kaiser, D. Reidy, S. Marshall, H. Sidney, J. Frei, G. Dwight, A. Clare, M. Brown, F. Asgard, V. Jamowitz, W. Malbacher, D. Soar, W. Strome, I. Valli, R. Sedley, E. Redd, S. Solomon, E. Jocell, H. Horn, B. Gluckman, M. Gardner, H. Engel, P. Montilla, V. Price, D. Spear, I. Korngold, G. Hamilton, L. Glover, C. Carr, N. Brown.

CIVIL DEFENSE CLUB The Civil Defense Club performs a valuable service to the school by giving monthly demonstrations of the newest methods of protecting oneself against the direct hit of a Russian sneak attack. RADIO CLUB Left to right: D. Hanson, B. Reynolds, R. Stacy. Bobcat electronic engineers-to-be are engrossed in their futuristic research. Left to right: L. Truman, R. Delaney, M. Gross

BOBCAT DRAMATIC CLUB The Bobcat Dramatic Club's entertaining produc tion of School Daze was a real treat enjoyed by students and parents alike. In this scene, Patty Pettigrew has just discovered that someone has CHESS CLUB stolen the entire Pep Club Treasury. Left to right: L. Schmidt

Dear Diary, The year started off with a bang when the fall responsibilities. Moose has accepted a position as bake sale took in over $85 for our Washington an automobile body repairman and Gus-Gus trip (of course, we donated some of that to Red starts next month as a credit manager trainee Feather). Heading the fund raising drive was for a whole chain of dry cleaning stores. A few Shirley "Tiny" Kresnik, a welcome addition to guys are even going on to college to become old E.T.B.H.S., who did a terrific job of organ engineers. izing everything (although a few of us were That's all for now! afraid she might eat up the profits!). Yours truly, Then football season was upon us. While the The Class of 1956 team had a fairly undistinguished season on the Most Likely to Succeed playing field, rumor has it that after the final P.S. If anybody wants to know what to get Zits game, our own Jugs Weber set a new record in for a graduation present, something neat he can the locker room (one "loving" cup, coming up!). really use, how about a 50-pound tube of Ac- December was marked by Sarge taking second nomel! Or, better yet, SOME WOOD PUTTY! prize in the Oswego County Oratory Contest. I'm sure no one who heard her stirring speech on "Peaceful Coexistence — Moscow's Triumph and America's Shame," will ever forget it. I tried to keep track of how many times Moose punched out Yo-Yo and Einstein, but I lost count after 70. Nothing gets Moose more steamed than "peculiar behavior" (and that includes those kooky Walter Benton poetry books, Einstein!). January was marred by Zits slashing his wrists after Gus-Gus made a crack about how his com Best Dancers plexion resembled "a bowl of Quaker Oats." However, Mr. Krintzler arranged for his lessons to be sent to the hospital and Zits was able to keep up until his recovery. May found us chugging our way to Washing ton, D.C., where we visited the Lincoln Memo rial and were photographed in front of the Capitol. Most interesting was an FBI tour that showed how the Russkies were attempting to stab this nation in the back and rob us of our priceless heritage. The real fun, needless to say, was back at the hotel where we all got plastered. Really looped. COMPLETELY STINKO! We threw water-filled Coke bottles from the win dows, Moose and Sarge beat up a few fruits, and, according to rumor, Jugs broke her old record. Most Flirtatious The senior prom decorating committee trans Class Clowns formed the gym into a magic wonderland, string ing crepe paper from the basketball hoops, putting dry ice in the punch and renting an actual fountain. All the gals looked keen in their strapless evening gowns (or "gownless evening straps" — hardeharhar!) set off with an attrac tive wrist corsage. Music was provided by Tony Timex and his Sax Fiends with Buzz and Winki reigning as King and Queen. Later, J.D. spiked the punch and we all got really loaded. Bombed out of our minds! ABSOLUTELY BLOTTO! Everybody had a swell time except for Zits, who started barfing just because Gus-Gus called him "Pizza-face." Well, Diary, I have to go now because there's so much to do, what with finals, graduation and all. I'd like to close by reassuring our parents, who scrimped and sacrificed so we might have a decent education, that we won't let them down. Least Likely to Succeed Some of us have already begun shouldering our Worst Dancers Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. THE CLASS PROPHECY 10 Years Later

Let's gaze into our crystal ball and see what the future holds for the '56 Bobcats:

Tiny has just won the International Canasta Championships (hiding a few black 3's up your sleeve?).

Moose has taken over Johnny Antonelli's slot with the New York Giants ("Antlers in the Treetops" or . . .).

Buzz has gone all the way on The $100,000 Challenge (the category, natch, is "Famous Dirty Birds"!).

Jugs has sold her memoirs to Confidential entitled, "I Was a Bobcat Booster for the FBI!" (Too racy for Collier's, we suppose!)

J.D. is tooling around in a shiny, raked and flamed, two-toned 1966 Kaiser (10 points for a pregnant nun!).

Einstein has discovered an anti-polio pill and appears regularly on Medic. (Smooth move, Ex-Lax!)

Gus-Gus is a top Hollywood comic, currently costarring with Donald O'Connor in Francis, the Talking Mule, Meets the Teen-age Werewolf, (and — you guessed it ! — Yo-Yo plays Francis!).

Winkie is the new filter-tipped Old Gold Dancing Cigarette Pack (a bunny hopping cancer stick?).

Sarge has received raves for her performance as a lumberjack on Playhouse 90 (nice play, Shakespeare!).

And Zits has written a smash calypso song that's Number 1 on Your American Hit Parade (and we thought the only steel bands you knew about were those ugly braces on your teeth!).

CLASS CHEER (Dedicated to Principal Ralph Krintzler) Forward, we go, all in step, Up Life's path with vim and pep; Counting off 1-9-5-6; Keeping up with all the tricks. Youth and vigor, that's our game. Other classes aren't the same. Under banners brown and green Ready to back up our team. Action, that's the password here. Let's go ape and give a cheer; Pierce the air with "Sis! Boom! Bah!' Here's to Benson's Bobcats — Rah! Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. ^ * »*- yrt* — ^' ^ U\VX

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Back in the heyday of Sci-Fi Cinema, a kid's 25-cent ticket would buy an en tire afternoon's worth of Technicolor Terrors whose compulsion to gobble up the Tokyo skyline kept us glued to our seats, with the help, of course, of a mis placed hunk of Bonomo's Turkish Taffy. Every Saturday a million kids marched to the local Monster Matinee to sec their favorite fiends do their dastardly stuff. As thousands of extras tied in panic from these not-so-jolly Green Giants (at Ta- shika Film Corp., life is cheap, Captain Bailey), a million 10-year-old sadists Catching Up yelped with delight. But now that the bottom has dropped out of the Latex with the Stars of the lizard market, the National Lampoon Silver Scream has decided to track down our favorite By Rick Meyerowitz horrible headliners and answer the ques tion, "Where (and What) Are They Now?" Godzilla wisely refused to be trapped in the endless cycle of shoddy remakes that usually follow a big hit like The Bride of the Son of Frankenstein, Return Yet Again of the Annoying Step-niece of Frankenstein's Godmother. Instead, this savvy salamander invested his part of the gross in the booming Japanese urban renewal industry and formed his own successful demolition company. As a single karate chop levels bridges and skyscrapers, Godzilla happily composes his own advertising slogans ("A bulldozer dozes, but a Tyrannosaurus wrecks!").

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. The Blob, after a number of unsuccessful comeback attempts (The Blister, The Globule, The Tumor), saved up enough in modeling fees from Jell-0 com mercials to produce his own patented gelatine dessert. This substance, which bears a suspicious resemblance to you-know-who, has an extra special secret surprise in every package. Instead of you eating it, it eats you.

Good fortune has blessed the Crea Rodan the Flying Monster hasn't ture from the Black Lagoon. Our been so lucky. After a long bout rubbery reptile makes a nice liv of convivial tippling, rowdy Rodie ing from business ventures rang and some barroom pals from the ing from work as a swimsuit model Lost Continent accidently flattened ("Just Wear a Snarl and a Jant- Detroit, and he flew the coop the zen") to his own amusement park, next day just ahead of a 100-bil- Lagoonland. For relaxation, the lion dollar lawsuit. Creature lifeguards at Lagoon- Cleverly disguised with a false land's own kiddie pool. Although beard and moustache, our soaring patrons were first unsettled by his scalawag now ekes out a marginal carnivorous leanings, the Crea existence as a skywriter and flying ture is quickly making new friends. billboard. He also moonlights for Giggles the Creature, "I'm espe the U.S. Air Force as an Unidenti cially (belch) fond of children." fied Flying Object for air shows.

5S Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. After the unforgettable I Was a Teen age Wolfman, Wolfie had gone to the dogs and was forced to earn his keep as the "before" leg in Nair depilatory commercials. Then he was discovered by rock producer Al Kooper, who bought him a guitar and taught him the secret C-F-G7 chord progression so vital to today's far-out music. Although this "ani mal" is, if possible, even more un- talented than Jim Morrison, the Wolfman claims to receive a greater amount of fangmail. Recently inter viewed by reporters from Rolling Stone, Wolfie admits that success has put him through a lot of changes. "Especially," he winks, "when there's a full moon."

The undisputed greatest of the great apes, King Kong suffered a tragic heartbreak when his new bride, a Beverly Hills bil- lionairess named, oddly enough, Beverly Hills, was found mysteriously murdered only days after the honeymoon. Although the culprit was never found, police are still baffled by the mashed and mutilated corpse. "It's almost as if," says one detective, "someone had actually dropped her off the Empire State Building!" The grief- stricken hubby now lives in mournful seclusion on her 15,000-acre estate in Rio de Janeiro.

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. CAST OF CHARACTERS (He seems to be getting louder and more GROOVY hysterical, if possible. Groovy rushes Great BUTCH across stage, coughing brokenly, and JOE COCKER kicks his battered old stereo amplifier, Expectations which is on the floor next to a crate of The time is someplace in the fairly near paperbacks. The stereo squawks and future, damn nearer than you think. At Cocker begins to shout.) or curtain rise, we see what is by today's COCKER: . . . friends friends friends standards a totally hip pad. It is crowded friends . . . with cultural symbols of our time: a (Meanwhile, Groovy has crumpled to TheWar large inflatable vinyl Campbell's Soup the floor, removed one sandal and is rub can, numerous Peace symbols, doves, bing his foot and weeping silent tears. clenched fists, a black-and-white poster He replaces sandal painfully and crawls of the Worlds depicting rhinos fornicating, Lyndon on all fours across the stage, looking for Johnson playing Clyde while Lady Bird something. Without warning, the stereo (With thanks to — also holding a machine gun — plays begins working again and Cocker goes Harold Pinter, Bonnie, a "Make Love Not War" fresco into the bridge, blaring loudly. Groovy, done with Pepsi Cola bottle tops on a scuffling among worn, faded copies of or was it Charles Dickens?) background of a tattered American flag Screw, Rat, et al., finally finds what he's A ONE ACT MELODRAMA TO drenched with fake Mercurochrome been looking for — a book of matches. BE PLAYED BY MARIONETTES blood. The floor is littered with at least He sits slumped against his wall at stage 7,000 copies of Screw, Rat, The East right, under a large poster of Peter Fonda By Jean Shepherd Village Other, The Realist, et al. A some astride a motorcycle. He searches in his what dusty paper Tiffany lamp advertis jeans and produces a minute roach, ing Heinz 57 Varieties of Pot dimly which he proceeds to light, eyes shut, illumines the scene. inhaling deeply. He sits for a second Naturally, we are deafened by an holding the smoke in and then suddenly enormous wave of Acid Rock. Joe bursts out in a loud, uncontrollable par Cocker is screaming incoherently, With oxysm of wheezy coughing. a Little Help From My Friends. There is a knock at the door. At curtain rise, the stage is empty. GROOVY: (listlessly) Yeah? We dimly perceive this between red, (Enter Butch, as he is known to a white and blue flashes of a revolving psy dwindling few intimates. He is, in chedelic strobe generator, which seems actuality, Dwight L. Dingleman. He is on the verge of blowing a fuse since it somewhat older than Groovy. He wears hums a lot and occasionally throws a worn-thin pair of narrow-bottomed sparks onto the burlap-covered floor. chinos; an ancient, blue, basket-weave We, the audience, observe this scene for button-down shirt; a thin, black knit tie 30 seconds or so and then, entering from with a large Windsor knot, decrepit stage right to the sound of an offstage bucks, shoes that have seen many sea John flushing, is Groovy, as he is known sons. His hair, what there is of it, is along with various other pseudonyms. resolutely crew cut, and he is far beyond His actual name is Herbert L. Mergen- mere graying. He wears a madras sport weist, a one-time student in the far coat, single-button, which is so old you distant past at the Bronx High School can almost see his shirt through it. He of Science and several other doubtful carries a bundle. institutions of learning. His hair hangs He speaks casually, comfortably, as nearly to his waist and seems to be a though they have done this many times.) cross between the old Joan Baez cas GROOVY: Come on in, Butch. cade and a ratty Afro. It is streaked BUTCH: How's it going, pal? with gray. He has a noticeable bald spot. (Groovy ignores this, allowing his shoul He wears an ancient, tie-dyed T-shirt ders to droop in disdain. His whole bearing in faded letters the legend, WBAI being exudes put-down.) UBER ALLES; worn, hacked-off jeans BUTCH: Gee, it's good to see you . . . and an elderly pair of Victor Mature- uh . . . Groovy. (He says the name type Roman sandals, festooned with bits "Groovy" awkwardly.) of corroding chain and brass studs. He GROOVY: You're late. I thought I was is sniffling and seems to be having a slight gonna freak! It was mind-fuckin' me. nasal problem, as his nose runs notice BUTCH: I'm sorry. I know how you ably. He discerns that the stereo is hung feel. I got held up down at Medicare. I up on a groove. Cocker keeps yelling, was getting jumpy, too. It's been three "wit de help wit de help wit de help wit days. de help wit de help..." GROOVY: (slumping into inflatable A look of pained irritation crosses vinyl chair, which has been patched Groovy's face as though this has hap many times with rubber cement and pened to him a million times before. vulcanizing patches) Three days! Shit, COCKER: (continuing) wit de help wit man! It seems like a month. Let's get de help wit de help wit de . . . down to it, before I really blow my (Groovy speaks, or rather mutters.) mind. (He coughs brokenly and rubs his GROOVY: Fuck! injured foot. Butch carefully seats him COCKER: (continues)... wit de help self on the Campbell's Soup can, placing wit de help wit de help.. . his package beside him.,)

46 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. BUTCH: Where do you want to begin GROOVY: ( menacing.) Look, how BUTCH: Beautiful, beautiful! I haven't today? many times have I told you . . . seen that in years. You're really getting GROOVY: (thoughtfully) Well, we did BUTCH: (hastily) I'm sorry. I forgot. it now, Groovy, you're swinging. the Drug Scene number last week. Your generation doesn't recognize GROOVY: OINK OINK! Uh. . . . (he trails off in thought) yeprs. BUTCH: TURN THAT GODDAMN BUTCH: And the week before that we GROOVY: There's only Now, God- NOISE DOWN! You call that crap did the Acid Rock bit. How 'bout Lack damnit, only Now! Y'hear that? (He music? Just a lot of banging around. of Communication? We haven't done screams wildly) I'm ONE OF THE You can't even understand none of them that in a long time. NOW PEOPLE. THERE'S ONLY words. GROOVY: (brightening) Heavy, man! NOWl JOE COCKER: (screaming) I'll get It's been a couple of months. My head's BUTCH: (nervously loosening his tie) HIGH . . . GRAAAAK . . . I'll get getting together already. Okay, you Now, Groovy, son, don't get excited. I HIGH ... GRAAAAK .. . I'll get HIGH start. was only trying to help. Maybe we GROOVY: Oh, Christ, what a time for (Groovy stands up and begins to pace shouldn't do anything today. Maybe . . . that Goddamn thing to get hung up. Son nervously, as though he wishes Butch GROOVY: (crossing over to Butch and of a bitch! (He throws his sign at the would leave, radiating truculent impa patting him on the shoulder) I'm sorry. stereo.) tience. Butch watches him for a long I guess we better start easy instead of COCKER: GRAAAAAK . . . (Stereo moment.) going right into the Hair thing. That's now silent. Butch, his face still red with BUTCH: (finally speaking, with great orie thing I just don't understand today. anger, returns to seat, sits down heavily.) deliberation) Why don't you get a hair They just don't care about hair. BUTCH: Whew! That was as good a cut? For the life of me, I can't under BUTCH: / still do. You make me mad session as we've had in months. That stand why you let your hair grow like every time I see you. I want to grab you, was damn near the real thing. that. You look like a girl! Why, when I give you a shampoo and cut it all off. GROOVY: Right on! Just like the old was a boy . . . Make you look like a human being. days. I'll never forget one day outside (Groovy whirls on him in fury.) GROOVY: (patting his arm) That's the UN, back in the good old days. GROOVY: Look, now you see, it's just okay, Butch. It was a nice try. I guess I Jerry Rubin was there. Oh, man, what things like that . . . ! (He lapses into jilst don't feel it today. a scene! silence after shouting. Butch watches BUTCH: Well, how 'bout you starting? BUTCH: (his face lighting up) Jesus, him, a look of beseeching groping on his Maybe if we work the other way today, Jerry Rubin! I ain't heard of him for face, as though trying to understand, yet like the time you got at me for liking years. Boy, he used to really piss me off. pained by what he sees.) Scotch. Boy, that was a great day. I felt GROOVY: Yeah, those were the good GROOVY: All the kids wear their hair good for weeks afterward. How 'bout (continued) like this! It's different from when you you starting? were a kid! Everything is different, GROOVY: (shuffling across stage pen don't you understand that? The Bomb! sively, stroking his beard) Okay. Lemme BUTCH: (quietly) And those ridiculous think. Uh . . . how's this? . . . uh . . . clothes. If your mother were all — YOUR WORLD IS DEAD, YOU GROOVY: (rising to crescendo) That HEAR ME? DEAD! VIOLENCE bitch! She never loved me! All she ever AND JOHN WAYNE AND MONEY wanted to do was watch television all IS ALL YOUR OLD DEAD WORLD day long, and . . . BELIEVED IN! MAKE LOVE, NOT BUTCH: Don't talk like that about WAR! MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR! your mother! (The last two lines are screamed in a GROOVY: Hah! Just because she got demonstrator-type chant. Groovy rushes knocked up and . . . (He slumps sud over to the corner of his room, digs denly into his chair, his voice drops among the rubble for a few seconds back to normal.) Damnit, Butch, I pan't and comes up with a sign. It is old and get started today. It's not coming. has seen much use. The handle is taped BUTCH: I was starting to work. I could and has been patched up. It is, in fact, feel that old anger coming back. You ancient. It reads: FASCIST PIG! FREE wanna start over? THE BLACK PANTHERS! GROOVY: (scratching his stomach dis Butch rises slowly in anger from his consolately) Yeah, might as well. I sure chair, his face reddening.) as hell need it. No shit, Butch, I don't BUTCH: Why, you long-haired fag! know what the hell's happening to the You pansy! What you need is a good world. My God! They don't even listen bath. They oughta draft every one of to rock! They just sit around all day and you crummy rotten Hippie bastards. A listen to that. . . noise! They don't have good first sergeant would straighten you any standards. No values. These kids of guys. . . today don't even think about hair, much (Groovy has now hoisted his sign high less care about it. Jesus Christ! When I and is marching about the room, shout was a kid, you were nothin' unless you ing.) had at least seven pounds of matted GROOVY: FASCIST PIG, FASCIST electric hair. They don't even care any PIG, OINK OINK, FASCIST PIG, more. I can't get nobody even mad, FASCIST PIG, OINK OINK, FAS which shows they really don't care. CIST PIG, FASCIST PIG, OINK Wow, when I was a kid . . . (He trails off OINK! moodily, running his fingers through his BUTCH: I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S A scraggly, graying mane.) FASCIST PIG, YOU FAG BASTARD! BUTCH: Why, you are a kid. Why, GROOVY: FASCIST PIG, FASCIST you've hardly turned 50. (A look of PtG, OINK OINK (He makes Peace anger crosses Groovy's face.) sign with free hand.)

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. WAXinM.vt I AMPOON 47 (continued) old days. (Groovy ends this sentence with a sob, side.) Look, there it is. How do you like BUTCH: Yeah. lowers his head to the table. Butch pats that? A genuine, mint-condition Little (They both sit silently for a moment, con him on the shoulder.) Orphan Annie Ovaltine shake-up mug! templating the glorious, wonderful past, BUTCH: Don't worry, Groovy. You GROOVY: Yeah, I guess it's all right if each lost in his own world.) get used to it. that's where your head is at. Wait'Il I GROOVY: (somewhat nostalgically) GROOVY: (sobbing) But I'm a Youth! show you what / just got. This'll really Hey, Butch, you'll never guess what I My generation invented Youth! We are turn your head around. A real head trip! found today. Youth! Who the hell are these phonies? (He rushes over to orange crate and (Butch, still drifting quietly in a dream My generation invented Youth. They scrambles amid the paperbacks and with of old wars, merely grunts. He scratches don't listen any more. a great flourish whips out an object.) his gray crew cut. Groovy stands some BUTCH: Yeah, I know. My generation GROOVY: (announcing triumphantly) what arthritically and peers at his psy invented Guilt. And who cares any A genuine, working, absolutely authen chedelic light for a long moment.) more? Jesus, those were the days. God, tic Spiro Agnew watch! GROOVY: You wouldn't believe it. I I can remember when every editorial, BUTCH: My God, I'd almost forgotten. found a place down in the Village where every record, every play, every book, The Silent Majority! Let's use that in this little old tailor makes real bell- every cartoon did nothing but tell you our next session. We haven't even bottoms. Jeez, they're outtasight. The how rotten guilty you were. God, it was touched on the Silent Majority. I forgot kids of today ain't got no style. He says great! You don't know how good it feels all about it! that Paul Krassner comes around once to have everybody tell you that you, GROOVY: (getting excited) Yeah, I'll in a while. He's getting on, but he's still personally, ruined the world. Man, that's dig out my old IMPEACH NIXON trippin' out. power! (Butch is excited at this point, buttons, and I got one that shows BUTCH: You're right about the kids of obviously exulting in and savoring his Agnew with a pig face, and . . . today, you know. It's hard to believe guilty past.) God, I remember one day BUTCH: This is gonna be great! I'll it . . . none of these so-called kids hard when five SDS activists tied me up in bring my hard hat. ly ever even heard of the Generation my swivel chair and took turns hitting GROOVY: You got a real hard hat? Gap. They don't know what they've me with rubber hoses, all the while hol BUTCH: Yep. It's yellow. It's got an missed! lering, "Kill for Peace." One kid American flag on it. GROOVY: (riffling among the ancient knocked the cap off this back tooth. (He GROOVY: (excitedly) Oh, wow. ZAP! copies of Screw, Rat, The Realist on the points to tooth.) And another grabbed And I'll dig out my Viet Cong flag, and floor, speaks thoughtfully) That ain't my ear with a pliers and . . .God, it was we'll . . . nothing, Butch. Hardly any of 'em even great! BUTCH: (his voice tense with anticipa heard of Woodstock! And them that has GROOVY: Stop! I can't stand it! Those tion) I got a bumper sticker that says, think it's funny. They make fun of it, were the days. These idiots today never AMERICA: LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT. like those ridiculous marathon dances heard of Warhol, or . . . (He trails off.) And I'll . . . and stuff. BUTCH: Yeah, but you never heard of GROOVY: Don't tell me! Surprise me. BUTCH: Now hold it, Groovy. Don't Peggy Lee, or even Dizzy Gillespie. I can hardly wait. It'll be like the good start knocking marathon dances. Re GROOVY: Now look, Butch, don't get old days again. When people really hated member, I don't knock Woodstock. sore. Remember, we're in it together. with style and life had meaning! GROOVY: (his long, graying mane We can't start fighting now. We're about BUTCH: And you can hit me with a drooping disconsolately over his shoul the only survivors left of the old Gener rotten egg, and I'll . . . ders as he slumps at his table, head in ation Gap war. We can't start hassling. GROOVY: Don't spoil it! Let's wait hands) You know what happened to me BUTCH: Yeah. We need each other. 'til the next session. Outtasight, man, it's the other day? I'm walking down the You can't have no Communication Gap starting to happen already! street, and . . . well . . . (He trails off, his without me. And how the hell can I BUTCH: You're right, Groovy. Say, body racked with sobs.) have any guilt without you? does that Agnew watch say 10 minutes BUTCH: Come on, Groovy. We all go GROOVY: Yep. You old bastard. You after 10? Already? My doctor says I through it. I went through it when your never could understand Soul. have to get to bed by 10 o'clock every crowd put down Pearl Harbor Day and BUTCH: Horse shit. You never could night, and . . . Okinawa and ... go ahead, tell me understand swinging. GROOVY: Yeah, I can't stay up as late what happened. I went through it, re (There is a pregnant pause at this point, as I used to either, what with my sinus member? and then Groovy, staring straight out at headaches and. . . . GROOVY: Well, this so-called kid was the audience, speaks in a low voice.) (Butch rises, carrying his shake-up mug, walking behind me, and he said to an GROOVY: Yeah, but they don't under dodders to the door and pauses before other kid, "Hey, there's one of those old stand either one. We only got each the threshold.) Soul diggers!" And then, Butch, they other. Butch. BUTCH: Groovy, can I play my Harry both laughed, and . . . (He trails off and BUTCH: What the hell do they under appears to be fumbling for a match in James records at the next session? stand? (He suddenly brightens as if he GROOVY: Great, man! That'll really his jeans. He finds it and tries to light has remembered something.) Hey, what's left of his roach. He coughs bug me. Groovy, wait 'til you see what I got. It (Butch opens door and departs. We hear violently.) I can't . . . smoke as much cost me an arm and a leg and then some, grass as I used to. Gets me in the throat. him from offstage.) but . . . BUTCH: See you next week, same time, (coughs) HACK HACK. GROOVY: (laughing sardonically) Holy BUTCH: Yeah, I know. I can only have and if you really get jumpy, give me a Christ, "an arm and a leg and then call and we'll fight over the phone. one finger of Scotch a day, and I'm some." I haven't heard that expression really not supposed to have that. GROOVY: Let it all hang out, babe. I since my Old Man left the scene. Arm feel together again. GROOVY: And then. Butch, you know and a leg. Wow, man, you talk like an what he said? (Butch leaves. Rock booms out. Groovy old Pat Boone movie. squats on floor, a lonely, aging figure, BUTCH: No! Don't tell me. BUTCH: (ignoring him) I came across it fumbling for a match. He lights his GROOVY: Yeah. He said, "He's one of in Brooklyn, in this shop a little old lady roach and coughs a wheezy, rasping those old Love Generation freaks. Boy, runs. I couldn't believe it! (He carefully phlegmy hack as the one thing I'm never gonna do is get unwraps his package on the table, ob old. Man, I can't stand old people." viously afraid of breaking what- is in THE CURTAIN FALLS) Copyright 1970 by Jean Shepherd. Performance ights prohibited unless through International Famous Artists. Contact Miss Audrey Wood. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. CASH MUST BE SENT WITH ALL ORDERS —PURCHASER MUST BE OVER 2

PLAIN LANGUAGE AND EXPLICIT PICTURES OF ALL VITAL ORGANS

eCNTI Ttf /

WjtmmmMfmmmewmwmm Warehouses located in New York, Chicago, Hon^ Kong, and Macao WE HAVE NO AGENTS OR SOLICITORS-ALCopyright © 2007L ITEM NationalS SENT Lampoon IN DISCREE Inc.T BROWN PAPER PACKAGES. Direct from Paris, France Don't suffer in silence! If any HOME INVIGORATOR member of your family is troubled This device is highly esteemed by many Europeans of noble by nervous dis blood! tractions, chronic listlcssness or Will fit all users, including household pets! simple flatulence, our imported Home Invigorator will instantly dis pel these trouble some symptoms. In many cases, a single treatment with this extreme ly scientific, pre cision-made de vice will bring \wmnffl immediate thera peutic relief. Con structed through out of heavy gauge steel, this medicinal marvel will bring peace and n contentment to the entire . Home Invigorator (crank powered! $15.30 household. INDIVIDUAL CYCLIST SEAT INHALER , Home Invigorator (steam powered) $35.84 We proudly offer this handy adjustable Cyclist Seat Inhaler plus a variety of cyclist seats and COMPLETE AMOROUS DISCIPLINE SET men's stockings for the summer enjoyment of all "secret seat sniffers." Each seat or stocking Is your companion shipped is guaranteed to have been used for at fond of unusual least one month by a female 14 years old or less. methods of punish- No. 18R1779 . . . Seat Inhaler 98? in e n t ? Try our No. 18R1780 . . . Used Cyclist Seats 450 qual ity stock of No. 18R1781 . . . Used Undergarments 60? solid brass regular military spurs and nickel-plated "this tles." These desir able metal attach ments may be fitted to shoes, hats, rid ing crops, corsets, etc., and will surely elicit a rousing re sponse from your subject. Our cheap ly priced, large as sortment of punish ment devices are also completely and steadfastly guaran teed to leave no visible marks or abrasions of any kind on the skin. LADIES' PACIFIER EJECTOR An extremely suit able acquisition for Our top grade Ladies' Pacifier Ejector is a boon elderly married to all those unfortunates who have ever expe adults, military offi rienced difficulty in withdrawing personal vibra cers and guardians tors or stimulators (see pus. 1114-1117) after use. of small, difficult This helpful ejector will readily dislodge and children. remove any inserted foreign object when all other means have failed, without clumsy and unhealth- fnl forceps or crowbars. Any lady who has ever No. 18RI776 suffered the discomfort and embarrassment of Discipline Set seeking a physician's or mechanic's assistance in removing tightly wedged objects will appreciate this wonderful contrivance. No. 18R1782 . . . Ladies' Pacifier Ejector.. .$6.97 LADIES' MECHANICAL CORSET & BUSTLE EXTRACTOR An absolute necessity for a woman concerned with her LEATHER-FANCIER'S TROUSERS figure and her health! This ingenious mechanism molds the form and removes troublesome bustles! These well-tailored Leath er-Fancier's Trousers will be a welcome gift for one who is fond of this slip pery, luxurious material. Only the finest leathers are used in this item's con A struction, and ample room i is left inside for the wearer's arms and hands. Lined with pure Chinese ML silk, the trousers may be reversed, allowing either material to chafe delirious ly against wearer's skin. No. 18R1783 . . . Trousers $3.32

WINTER FETISH KIT All females of fash If one wishes the best ion are plagued by quality in ice fetishes two difficulties: 1) and discipline, he will The problem of be delighted with this adapting their torsos quality pair of brass- to today's "hour spurred ice skates and glass" figure, and 2) victim's protective face the danger and exer shield. tion involved in re No. 18R1784 . . . moving today's fash Winter Fetish Kit $2.73 I ionable bustles. This new MECHANICAL CORSET & BUSTLE EXTRACTOR, made of first quality cast iron, will mold a lady's figure, perma nently, to the proper proportions through a special pressure and steam process, and also will quickly and easily dislodge troublesome bustles. No. 18R1777 . . . Ladies' Mechanical Corset & Bustle Extractor. . .$39.50

50 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. LADIES' ROTO-RELAXER Our new and improved Ladies' Roto-Relaxer is undoubtedly the best available on the market to day! This miraculous Rclaxcr effectually eliminates the sources of female complaint resulting from prolonged and unnatural continence. A daily application of our patented Roto-Relaxer will totaly rid the owner of a myriad of medical complaints including insomnia, hysteria, melancholia and poor complex ion. An additional feature of this cure-all is its many attachments, Free Instructional Booklet which may be inter Explains Kit's Many Uses! changed according to This remarkable Roto-Relaxer is es comfort or prefer pecially recommended for widows, ence. Try it for 10 spinsters, shut-ins, and female French No. 18R1785 days and sec if your instructors. Many satisfied purchasers Roto-Relaxer entire dispositon is attest to its agreeable and beneficial extra attachments not 100% impoved. results! 300 each

OUR FAMOUS VIBRATING COUCH This beautifully upholstered couch will be the delight of the entire household! By day, this lovely plush settee serves as tasteful addition to the sitting room, by night it furnishes exotic diversion for the whole family! A novel, hidden electro static vibrator under the seat cush ions emits rapid, enjoyable os cillations that pulse through the upholstery and sitter, quickly effecting the total satisfac tion of the oc cupant. Accept no substitutes. This fine elec tric vibrating couch is far superior to sim- i 1 a r models powered by dangerous ker osene motors! No. 18R1786 ... Vibrating Couch .$40.00 COMBINATION CHILD TRAINER AND EROTIC STEREOPTICON Good news for parents! Will Accommodate Children of All Ages and Sizes. Guaranteed almost completely harmless. This totally portable labor-saver will simultaneously discipline an unruly child and, through a new process of spectro-wave illumination, afford the harried parent the opportunity to con veniently view, as if by magic, the subject's undraped anatomy! This new scientific process ._ I (Tjgw^ tHiiV s<~i\ will "see" through '• A ' . \...... all varieties of lace ,. ., ..,.,., and crinoline and ^^InX^HM^SsTaftsHS^SffiW.U^^^'' turn the chore of child rearing into gratifying enter tainment!

Everything Needed for a Blissful Marriage COMPLETE HONEYMOON KIT This 85-picce kit is an excellent beginner's introduc tion to the art of unusual and imaginative courtship. Each kit contains all harnesses, horse whips, knouts and spanking devices necessary to an acquaintance with basic venereal practices and a full married life. No. 18R1789 . . . Honeymoon Kit $6.73

PORTABLE PERVERTO-MATIC Traveling gentlemen will highly value the compact Portable Perverto-Matic. This dandy invention can be readily concealed in the smallest hotel room, and "actiivties" may be pursued with discretion behind its attractive vclour curtain.

WARNING! Because of the penetrating na ture of spectro-wave illumination the child to be disciplined must not be left in the CHILD TRAINER for periods longer than 10 minutes. S & R Co. is not responsible for in juries that may other wise result. No. 18R1788 . . . Child Trainer ..$55.60 No. 18R1790 Portable Perverto-Matic $28.63

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 51 ARE YOU ADVENTUROUS?? . . . then you will enjoy this de lightful and amusing instru ment. Wc will not tell you its many and salubrious uses, but if you order it, we avow that you will never regret your pur chase. Take a chance, it will be a lark you will always re member! No. 18R1792. . . Mystery Apparatus $2.98

FAULTLESS PERFECTO SPOUSE-TAMER If your spouse is causing unhealthy marital discord, either through a contrary dispositon or a foolish disinclination to use the appliances featured in this catalogue, the Faultless Perfecto Spouse-Tamer is the true solution! Built to the exact specifica tions of qualified and certificated European physicians, this re cently perfected coal-powered implement will insure your com panion's complete and abject obedience! The apparatus functions on a famous secret European principle of alternate hot and cold air treatments devised to raise the body temperature (hence the subject's erotic desire) to the proper level. Treatments are to be administered thrice daily as well as before actual Congress. The makers of this revolutionary mechanism pledge that the A godsend to af subject will undergo a startling transforma flicted women in tion within 7 days or your money will be their later years! refunded. For your full refund, simply re Each box contains turn the Spouse-Tamer and the remainder 12 capsules, of the subject treated. The Spouse-Tamer smoothly lubricated requires only 150 worth of #2 anthracite and ready for in coal per day and may be cleaned as easily sertion. Accom as a simple home panying brochure boiler. Cheap and explains the many easy to operate, the surprising virtues Spouse-Tamer has of this Spanish im brought marital ful port. fillment and connu bial harmony to No. 18R1791 .. . thousands of pur Ladies' Restorative chasers, and we as Lozenges sure the reader that (Box of 12) ...980 there has never been a single sub ject who has ever complained to our company after hav ing sampled the un usual powers of this magic medi- I ator. If you value Ithe peace and tran quility of a happy home, you will cer tainly wish to take advantage of this offer.

No. 18R1793 . . . Faultless Perfecto Spouse-Tamer $71.35

TO THE READER: The FAULTLESS PERFECTO SPOUSE- TAMER has been en dorsed by physicians and married couples all over the world, and has been responsible for the reclamation of untold marriages threatened by an ob Easily operated by stinate or prudishly un any adult or quick cooperative partner. child! Order today, if not for your own happiness, then tor that oj your children!

52 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Day of the by Christopher Rush Horns T ast week, fate placed me on a crowded tion. The room was romantically lit by bus in Brooklyn. I usually like to red lanterns stolen from a construction make the best of a situation. With this V site. Somebody suggested that burning in mind, I decided that these circum cologne in an ashtray would stir the stances afforded me an excellent oppor ^ carnal appetites of our intended victims. tunity to observe 50 or more sweaty

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 53 TPhere is a bewildering array of household pests, farmyard bores and other weak links in the Great Chain of Being that Walt Disney, as a benign Frankenstein, transformed into the cartoon crea tures who appeared, obedient to forces stronger than the moon, at Saturday matinees. But with so many successes, there had to be some failures, a few carefully suppressed rejects lurking for years in Disney files with ribbons in their pincers and Harbor. Melvin Maggot (above and to the right of gloves on their claws. Now, thanks to a unique Donald Duck) was originally drawn as a com process that makes it possible to reproduce pic panion for Jiminy Cricket, but the lovable slug got tures in locked cabinets from hundreds, even his walking papers when embarrassed Disney ex thousands, of miles away without cameras, tele perts discovered that his counterparts outside scopes or spying devices of any kind, we are able show biz spent most of their time in the mortuary to present these long-secret Disney washouts. line or spoiling hams. Timmy Tapeworm (to the Tallulah Tarantula (top center) was the first and right of Lester Lamprey) was responsible for the last in a group of characters invented for Buggy scrapping of an elaborate Healthland production Bits, a cartoon series patterned after Tweety and for Disney's TV series. One of the chief char Sylvester that was to have featured Tallulah's hilar- acters in a section entitled "When Things Go ously unsuccessful attempts to catch and eat Wrong," he was introduced by a Tweety-Bird style Freddy Fly and Manny Moth. The production was vulture saying, "I tot I taw a tapeworm." At that quietly canceled when several members of an point, in a preliminary screening, two network vice- oddly silent children's test audience were shortly presidents and a sponsor threw up. Victor Vampire afterward implicated in a series of bizarre ritual (below Timmy) represented a short-lived attempt tadpole slayings. Sammy Squid and Lester Lam to cash in on the lucrative horror movie market prey (below and to the right of Tallulah) were with an animated film. When a test sampling of conceived somewhat overconfidently as part of preschool children produced comments like "nice ^ an early bid to expand the Disney domain with doggy" and "kitty kitty kitty," the effort was f Finny Funnies. They were given the deep six, and dropped. Chester McCowflop (bottom right) was fa the whole project was scuttled when, in a space the instrument of revenge of a frustrated Disney 5 of two months, the newspapers were filled with 11 artist who inserted the curious character in 5,000 £ deaths from spoiled tuna, five shark bitings, a panels of Fantasia. The section had to be cut at a * barracuda attack, a jellyfish plague, an infestation cost of $50,000, and for years the phrase, "What's .2 of lampreys in Lake Erie and the slow, pungent up, Flop?" was said to be the surest way of express- f death of a 35-ton blue whale in San Francisco ing a desire to leave the Disney organization. D i

(In 1924, The New York Times spon the Lower East Side. other than a slang expression, popular sored an oratorical contest for the city's Perhaps it would be more accurate to in my youth, that has vanished from our junior high school students on the topic say it was the Standard Oil Company culture: Take it easy; you'll last longer. "The Constitution of the United States." of the men's retail clothing business The Avenue B trolley certainly took it The Times stipulated that all contestants south of Fourteenth Street. It certainly easy. The cars operated on storage bat appearing on the platform must wear was my first experience with what the teries, which were never recharged until "appropriate attire." The author, at the architects of the Sherman Anti-Trust they ran out of juice. They rarely ran age of 11, did not own anything even Act must have meant by the word out of juice at convenient times or approaching appropriate attire. His fa "monopoly." Nobody on Stanton Street places. ther, with a loan from a family friend, said you had to come there to buy a As in Rome, therefore, so on East took his son to Stanton Street, the men's suit. You could go uptown. To Wana- Fourth Street. Forward movement— clothing center of New York's lower maker's Department Store, for example, whether by a legion setting out to pacify East Side to purchase the boy's first on Eighth Street. To Siegel, Cooper on an unruly Thracian province or a father suit. . . .) Eighteenth. To Macy's on Thirty-Fourth setting out to buy his son a suit on Stan Street, for God's sake. Who was stoppfhg ton Street — was usually accomplished "Thank you," my father said. "I will you? by hiking. And just as a Roman legion take him to buy the suit on Sunday." Well, to begin with, it wasn't who. It heading for truculent Thrace would not It was the only day on which clothes was what. And what was stopping you, enter the rebellious country with trum were purchased by the inhabitants of if you were my father, was the fact that pets blaring, so my father and I did not East Fourth Street. Buying a suit or a to shop in Wanamaker's you had to enter Stanton Street in a manner that dress was a family enterprise of major know how to talk English, which my might be described as attention grab dimensions not unlike the decision of a father did not. To shop in Siegel, bing. We eased in gently, nervously, out family of Forty-Niners to sell the farm Cooper you had to pay what it said on of Avenue B, and turned south. It was in Pennsylvania, invest the proceeds in the price tag, which was an impossibility like trying to ease gently, nervously into a Conestoga wagon and head west for people like my father, who was in Niagara Falls. toward Sutter's Mill. There were stores capable of purchasing a slice of lox or a The long street was lined on both on Avenue B and Avenue A that were spool of thread without "hondling," the sides with men's clothing shops the way open for business at night. Most men, Yiddish word for the combination box the Via Veneto is lined on both sides by however, did not come home from work ing match, vaudeville act and exercise prostitutes. I don't suppose the phrase before 7. By the time they had put away in advanced billingsgate that was as "cheek by jowl" has ever worried too the evening meal, known as "sopper," much a part of the act of purchase as much about its origins. If it ever should, it was time to go to bed so that they the Preamble is a part of the Constitu and a prize were offered for the correct could get up at 5:30 or earlier to get to tion. And to shop in Macy's, which to answer, I think I would walk away with the Allen Street sweatshops on time. the residents of East Fourth Street could the award by suggesting Stanton Street And a man would no more think of go have been located anywhere between in 1924. It wasn't merely that every ing to buy a suit unaccompanied by his Bering Strait and the Grand Caymans, inch of space on both sides of the street wife than a woman would even con you needed a visa. So it was Stanton was filled by the windows of a Bern template buying a dress without her hus Street all the way and, on the Sunday stein's Men's & Boys' Clothing, Inc.,or a band at her side. On East Fourth Street following my triumph at Washington Yanowitz's Apparel Shop, Inc. It was as in 1924, the male or female outer gar Irving High School, that's where my though every inch of space on both sides ment was the equivalent of the auto father and I went. On foot, of course. of the street was in endless contest, a mobile in today's TV commercial. The As I look back on my youth in 1924, battlefield the possession of which kept family shopped together in order to eli it occurs to me that it was in the area changing hands from minute to minute. minate at least one reason for screaming of transportation that the civilization of The troops of Bernstein, victorious just fights: Color, style, shape and price had East Fourth Street most closely re a moment ago, now retreating under the all been agreed upon before the com sembled that of Rome in the Age of the onslaught of the armies of Yanowitz, batants arrived at home and examined Antonines. who, even as they were planting the flag the purchase. There were no chariots, of course, but of triumph in the disputed terrain, were already being buffeted and driven back With all five weekdays eliminated, we did have the Avenue B trolley car, by the revivified Bcrnsteins. This im only the weekend remained. Or one half which was known as the Puvullyeh pression of a seesawing battle was of it, anyway. Saturday, being the Sab Line. The Yiddish word "puvullyeh" caused by an institution then known as bath, was out. This left only Sunday, finds its nearest Romance language the "puller-in." Every store had one. but it was enough to buy a suit on equivalent in the French doucement. In Stanton Street. It was the Savile Row of English I can think of no equivalent The relation of a "puller-in" to a (continued) Copyright VJ970 by Jerome Weidman from Copyrightthe forthcoming Fourt© 2007h Street EasNationalt to be published Lampoon by Random Inc.House, Inc NATIONAL LAMPOON 57 (continued) Yanowitz's Apparel Shop, Inc., on Stan just before crashing into salesman. the suit at my father and seizes the bot ton Street was not unlike that of a Puller-in, moving back out to street: tom of my sweater. He yanks it up my barker to a carnival. He stood on the "Don't worry. You're in good hands. torso and over my head as though he is sidewalk in front of the shop door and Monty Geschwind is the best salesman skinning a snake. Both my ears get he pleaded, cajoled, sweet-talked, on Stanton Street. The best and the most caught in the neckband. I scream. threatened and ultimately seized the honest. Take good care of them, Monty. Monty Geschwind roars with laughter. passerby and dragged him into the You have in your hands, Monty, two ab "You got not only a tzaddik," he says store. solutely and completely personal friends to my father. "You got a vitzler." "What a good-looking boychik you of mine." Vitzler means joker. Anyway, it used got there! A regular shining doll! Mister, He exits to street. Monty circles my to in 1924 on Stanton Street. you haven't got a son, you've got eppes father. Monty's lips are pursed. His "Something like maybe a little but a real tzaddik!" eyes are crinkled in thought. His thumb darker," my father says. Even under the most congenial con and forefinger are tugging at a chin for Monty Geschwind punches my pipe- ditions, the word "tzaddik" defies literal which in all fairness the word "reced stem arms into the gray jacket as translation. And, of course, in the realm ing" must give way to "nonexistent." though he were stuffing a couple of of commercial fantasy, where condi Monty speaks: "You're like maybe let's sausage casings and he fastens the but tions are rarely congenial, semantic pre say a 39 short. No?" tons of the double-breasted wings. He cision takes "a beating. Nevertheless, I My father: "It's not for me. It's we're wheels me to the triple mirror, shoves will try. As employed by the pullers-in here for a suit for my son." me in front of it and steps back. I see who worked the sidewalks of Stanton Monty Geschwind roars with his face in the mirror. He wears the ex Street in 1924 the word "tzaddik" laughter. pression Da Vinci wore at the moment meant: "I see you're not a man to be fooled when he set down his palette and drop "Words are inadequate to express my with a joke," he says. "Naturally it's for ped his brush. There was nothing more admiration and awe for the incredible your son. A good-looking man you are, to be done. He had got the Mona Lisa's boy, this glowing vision, who is clearly nobody can deny that, but in your fam smile right at last. I drop my glance your son, because anybody can see ily, you lucky man, nobody has to go and survey myself in the mirror. I look you're just as handsome as he is, this around asking which one is the tzaddik." like Jackie Coogan facing Charlie Chap golden medal you have brought to Stan Monty goes to rack. He brings down lin in The Kid. ton Street this beautiful Sunday morn a suit made of material not unlike that "Perfect," says Monty Geschwind. ing in the hope of finding a suit that will used by the tailor who made the uni "It was made for him." even remotely approach the sort of form worn by General Robert E. Lee at "Something darker," my father says. garment that this marvelous young man Appomattox. He says it several times. In several should rightfully wear to his bar mitzvah "Take off the sweater, take off," stores. In every one of which, my ears ceremony, or perhaps merely to the Monty says. smarting from being peeled in and out synagogue for the High Holidays, or "It's for at night," my father says. of my sweater, I end up in something even maybe there's a wedding in the "Something like a little maybe darker, darker. Something that seems to have family and you want him to look the please." been cut, not with precision but with way a boy like that should look, and "Here, hold," Monty says. He shoves approximate accuracy, for a skinny, what a stroke of luck it is for all of us that here at Yanowitz's Apparel Shop we happen to have precisely the suit that will show the world how extraordinary this boy is, and if you don't like it, which is ridiculous, because how can any man as brilliant as you are fail to like a suit so beautiful as this, we have a dozen other suits just as good and just as beau tiful, did I say a dozen, what am I talk ing about, I must have lost my mind, carried away by the gleaming brilliance of this extraordinary boy, we have a hundred other suits, every one of them just as beautiful, even more beautiful, step in please and take a look." We didn't exactly step in, because we were being dragged, my father and I, but we managed to stay on our feet and sort of stagger in. I forget how many stores we staggered into, and I forget in which one we finally made our purchase because all the stores seemed alike, and the procedure we went through, or were put through, in each one was exactly the same as all the others: Puller-in, having dragged us through door from street, addresses waiting salesman: "A suit for this handsome tzaddik." Shove. I stagger across store and land "I've called you creative, bright people together because in the arms of salesman. My father stag what this country needs is a new, smart, hard-hitting gers and manages to regain his balance political satire magazine."

58 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. knock-kneed boy of 11. Then comes the you call me a bloodsucker?" hired the best Schneiders. For this I moment. "What else should I call you?" my chose buttons like they were diamonds. "How much?" my father says. father said. For this I made a suit only a tzaddik "A suit like this, who can say?" says "A fool," says Monty. "A man who should wear. So his father should stand Monty Geschwind. There is, or was, a gives away to charity. That's what you there in front of me and say 10 dollars." Monty Geschwind in every men's cloth should call me for asking only 14 dol "I won't say it again," my father says. ing store on Stanton Street. "How can a lars for a piece of merchandise like He reaches behind Monty. This time person set a price on something so per this." he seizes the doorknob. He pulls open fect like this?" all the Monty Gesch- He darts to the rack, snatches up the the door. He drags me through it. Monty winds of this world say at this moment suit and dashes back to the door4 My stares with disbelief. My father and I to my father. "How much? Who knows father has had ample time to open it. take a step down to the sidewalk. The how much?" But he has not. So he is in a position to puller-in comes rushing across the side "If you don't," my father says, "who have the suit waved under his nose. walk. does?" "Look!" Monty shouts. "Feel!" "Where are you going?" he cries. A meek man. Shy. Not given under "Not for 14 dollars," my father said. "To buy a suit from a man he doesn't ordinary circumstances to the tart rip He reaches around Monty for the tear the skin off a customer's back," my oste. But all my father's ordinary cir doorknob. Monty, using his hip, shoves father says. cumstances were lived in the shadow of my father's hand away. The puller-in puts his hand on my my mother. Here on Stanton Street no "So how much is it worth to you?" he father's chest and speaks across his body was peering over his shoulder. demands furiously. "A suit like this? shoulder. Here he had his moments. If he had Tell a person! How much?" "Monty," he says. "What have you been able to earn the money with which My father shrugs. He looks down at done to this marvelous man? This to buy for me an extensive wardrobe, he the suit as though he were examining a father of this wonderful tzaddik?" might have had more such moments. sample of sputum coughed up by a "What have I done?". Monty says, his "So all right," says Monty. "You ask terminal patient in a tuberculosis ward. voice throbbing. "I made him a present, me how much, I'll tell you how much. "If I was a fool," he says finally, "but that's what I did. I said here, take this Fourteen dollars." a really big fool, I could hear myself say suit, it's worth 20 dollars, here, take it My father takes my hand. maybe 10 dollars." for 14." "Come," he says. "We'll go find a The effect of my father's words on The puller-in staggers back. store that it's not run by bloodsuckers." Monty Geschwind are not unlike the "Monty!" His voice adds a dimension He leads me to the door. Fortunately, effect of the iceberg on the Titanic. to the word consternation from which in I have managed to skin back into my Monty's knees buckle. His body sinks all probability it has not yet recovered. sweater. Monty races around and heads back against the door. His free hand "How can you do such a thing?" the us off at the door. He spreads his arms comes up to his forehead. His eyes turn puller-in says. "For a tzaddik like this wide from jamb to jamb, barring our to heaven with a look of accusation that you ask 14 dollars?" He seizes my way out to the street. would have made St. Peter turn shame father by the shoulders. His voice drops "Fourteen dollars for a piece of mer facedly from the gate. to a seductive whisper. "Take it for 13," chandise like that?" he screams. "And "For this," Monty says bitterly, "I he murmurs. My father shrugs himself free from the grasp of the puller-in. "Maybe 11," my father said. "Eleven?" It is Monty's scream. And as screams go, he has set a mark to shoot at. "Shut up," the puller-in hisses. To my father he says, "Twelve, with both DR.FINCH pairs of pants." PLASTIC SURGEON "Even a tzaddik can wear only one pair at a time," my father says. Monty's head reappears across my PARTYNOVELTIES father's shoulder. The veins stand out on his throat like blue hawsers. "When he wears out the first pair," Monty says, choking out the syllables in a voice that seems to be coming up out of a bed of bubbling lava, "the jacket will still be as new as the second pair!" "He'll be too big then to wear the second pair," my father says. Monty falls back against the black iron railing. His face disintegrates. Piteously he says to the puller-in, "What are we going to do with this man?" "Give it to him for 11 dollars," the puller-in says. We were offered a box. My father re fused. He carried the jacket. I walked at his side carrying the pants triumphantly at shoulder height, feeling like a young Jason returning homeward to Boeotia with his Golden Fleece. • 'He advises against surgery and then patents our noses!" Copyright Jerome Weidman Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 59 0 0

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62 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. By Rick Meyerowitz SHOOTING GALLERY 'I always knew I'd be popular again. There's a saying in Texas, that there's nothing like stepping in a cowfiop to make tripping on a stone seem enjoyable." Lyndon Baines Johnson

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Milkrun The Best Offense, Krag Knew, Was Often a Good Pretense By Douglas Kcnney mouth, nose, ear or anus. The total effect was not particularly intimidating. Krag El-Pran-46, 46th son of Hruk El- Pran-119 and Commander of the Dreenian battleship Procyon 11 (Gal actic Class) looked like a large, un cooked fillet of sole. The Dreen ended his toilet under the warming glow of an infrared lamp that dried the liquid coating to a temp orary but impenetrable veneer. A Dreen's sensitive varicose skin may slough off at the mildest abrasion, and Krag gave himself an extra-thick coating. Today he would have no time to go back for a freshener. As he made his way from his quarters to the Library, Commander Krag hap pily recalled the remarkable success of the Procyon's mission thus far: seven planets reduced in as many months. An enviable record, even for a veteran. thought Krag. When his crew came home, the entire populace of Dree would pay homage to the warriors, joy ful at their safe return and thankful for the new nesting grounds for Drce's un K.ra, g started instantly from a dream usually prolific race. Thankful, too, for ered their orifies in glad agreement. "Our less slumber at the first buzz of the the cringing slaves the colonists would last objective will be this small planet wake-alarm. As his right eye sought the find ready at their new homes. you see in your vu-cubes and around glowing chronometer set flush against Krag's mind turned to Dree and her. which the Procyon now maintains a the bulkhead, his left eye considered, borderless ocean, gleaming green and discreet orbit. The inhabitants, as you with mixed emotions, the three-dimen pure under the blue-white splendor of already know from your briefings, are sional holograph of his mate and their her double suns. Twice the size of Jupi simple land bipeds. These ground-walk six-dozen offspring affixed next to it. His ter, Dree was a world of endless water, ers have attained a Beta-Minus abstrac- center eye flicked between the two ob in whose depths had spawned the tional capacity, with slightly higher jects indecisively and finally settled on mighty Dreens: swimmers, tool-users scores in technological aptitudes. They the chronometer. His left eye tagged and rulers of an Empire destined by have recently stumbled upon simple along and in a moment Krag had the their gods (and their birthrate) to stretch atomic fission, but they are at least three timepiece in sharp focus. He knew he to the rim of the galaxy. Perhaps be of their life spans away from an ele must rise immediately, for a very busy yond. mentary free hydrogen space drive." At day lay ahead of him. And now, thanks to the resourceful this, the Cadets registered patronizing Today Krag had set aside for the mighty Dreens: swimmers, tool-users amusement in a manner that would be conquest of Earth. Commander Krag, seven more worlds as difficult to describe as it would be With effort, Krag lifted his 4-foot, had been made ready for the Dreens. indelicate. The Commander waited flounder-like body out of the soothing The small blue-green planet, infested patiently for the young Dreens to settle liquid of his shallow sleeping tank and, with primitive bipeds who scurried under down, then finished his pre-attack ad dripping some of the viscous green solu a dim yellow sun, would make the eighth dress, the remainder of which was a tion on the deck, slithered toward the and last of Krag's quota. litany everyone in the Library and all in insistent alarm and flicked off the noise Krag was happy as he thought about the Dreen Galactic Service had duly with one of five pale tentacles regularly these things, and the good humor in the committed to memory on their first day situated around his toothless headhole. manner in which he curled his tentacles at the Fleet Academy: Krag then splashed gently into the shal inward toward his headhole was appar "Our strategy and our tactics flow low coating tray and, delicately adjust ent to the 30 Researchers as soon as he from a single concept," the Commander ing the shower to a fine mist with two of entered the Library. Krag looked at the intoned, "the Archetype of Fear. Every his short, boneless digits, activated an young, eager Dreens lying in five rows organism capable of calculating the area overhead nozzle. of six, each poised expectantly in front of a two-dimensional geometric figure As he luxuriated in the warm, protec of his or her own vu-cube, 90 eyes bright retains a primordial capacity for Fear tive spray, Krag looked very little like a with youth and spirit. Though still only that may be discerned, refined and used Conqueror of Planets. His flat, translu Cadets, Krag thought proudly, they had to defeat it. It is the Axiom of Con cent body revealed a sluggish blue already proved themselves Dreens on quest that we first seek out this primitive circulatory system and a thick noto- this voyage. Fear; second, define and isolate its com chord that ran through the center of his "As you may have surmised," Krag ponents; and third, turn this Fear into a headless, legless form and terminated hissed evenly, "this last part of the mis weapon. Find this Principle of Fear . . ." in three eyes, five limp tentacles and an sion should prove the simplest." The "Find this Principle of Fear . . . ," orifice that served equally well as Cadets drew in their tentacles and puck chorused the Cadets as they flattened Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. (continued) (continued) reverently to attention. producing a three-dimensional represen would turn up. It always did. ". . . and you have found your tation of any small object to be found "It" turned up in the next hour. Krag weapon." on the target planet, and, if desired, of had been overseeing the study of recent ". . . and you have found your weap synthesizing an exact copy for closer Earth war propaganda, particularly on!" the Dreens echoed. examination. The Cadets were presently those examples which described the ter "One Fear is worth a thousand engaged in devouring every scrap of in rors of whatever nationality the author lasers." formation recorded in every language wished to malign, when Vrop hissed ex "One Fear is worth a thousand in every library on Earth. citedly for his attention. On the work- lasers!" On Krag's left, a young Dreen, hard board in front of Vrop's vu-cube lay a "Build a better Fear . . ," the Com ly out of larvahood, was rapidly reading stack of circular metal canisters, each mander sang. every religious text ever written by men. a foot and a half in diameter and an "... and the Dreens will beat a path The Commander watched approvingly inch and a half thick. to your hatchstep!" as the Researcher made his notes. Krag "What are these?" Krag asked. Krag put them "at ease," and left read, "Satan, Christian anthropomorphic "A crude form of vu-projection. Two- them to begin their work. He maneu embodiment of evil. . . Shiva, six-armed dimensional low visual spectrum picture vered his body around on the smooth Hindu goddess of destruction (See Tri- units. I switched over to Popular Cul deck and glided into the corridor. murti, Brahma, Vishnu) . . . Medusa, ture and Entertainment after Folklore Twenty feet from the Library, Krag ancient Greek snake-haired Gorgon . . . was exhausted and had these synthe summoned the automatic elevator and Auld Clootie, Scottish hoofed man-devil sized. I think you'll find them interest dropped 300 feet to the Art and Pro (See Satan, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, ing, Commander." duction Section. etc.)...Mammon " Krag studied the Krag studied the reel of transparent Krag inspected the great, hangar-like quickly changing images and texts with ribbon contained in one of the cans. ceiling and the machines of unthinkable out enthusiasm. Long experience had "How are they to be viewed?" he asked complexity that it housed. Matter syn taught him that such cult figures were curiously. Against the light he saw that thesizers and self-propelled construc rarely really imaginative, usually just each square was actually a small photo tion tools were arrayed on all sides, and slight reworkings of a race's basic phy graph. hundreds of Dreens, heavily lacquered siology with the gratuitous addition of "A simple electric light source and a to protect them in their labors, continu horns, fangs, suckers or perhaps an extra synchronized shutter apparatus," Vrop ally tended their work areas and design pair of wings or tentacles. said, pleased to be able to offer informa consoles, checking and rechecking their Krag moved on to the next row of tion. "I took the liberty of having Pro 3,000,000 circuits as they awaited their vu-cubes and paused by a female Cadet duction construct the necessary device." assignment. whose talents, both on and off duty, Minutes later, Krag and Vrop were "Is everything' prepared?" Krag Krag had often found to be exceptional. watching the two-dimensional images asked a Dreen. As he surreptitiously stroked Vrop's thrown against an improvised screen. "We are ready at your order, Com lithe notochord, six eyes peered at the At first, Krag saw no pictures at all, only mander," Sruk said simply. flashing illustrations of daemons, lep several lines of alien characters. "The Sruk, Master of Machines First rechauns, witches, silkies and other eld Attack of the Creeping Horror," Vrop Class, enjoyed the full respect of his ritch flotsam and jetsam of another read, "it's a genre called 'science fic Commander. Sruk had dreamed of serv planet's folklore. tion,' a crude mixing of pure fantasy ice in the Fleet since larvahood, and his "Anything of interest?" Krag asked, with elementary technological prem 197 years in the Art and Production just failing to sound officious. ises." Krag nodded his tentacles and Corps had earned him an incomparable "Not yet, Commander," Vrop replied, studied the opening scene, which took reputation, as well as two amputated revolving her pupils coquettishly. "It's place on the edge of a body of water. tentacles, one severed as a raw Appren predictable stuff. Humans with fur, hu Two bipeds were prone in the sand, tice by a laser drill press, the other lost mans with feathers, fanged humans, twining and untwining their limbs in a at the Battle of Sirius, which, Dreen winged humans. The usual." puzzing manner. Krag was mystified. military historians are quick to point Krag moved on, barely restraining "They are male and female specimens," out, lasted exactly 23 seconds. himself from giving Vrop's center eye Vrop whispered. Krag toured the chamber for the ball a sly tweek. / love my wife, Krag "Oh." In a darkened room, Krag three-thousand and sixty-second time, chuckled to himself, but, oh, you larva. reached into a bowl of silicon candy and and still he found himself marveling at The next hour bore no fruit, and the snaked another stealthy tentacle around its sheer size. The Art and Production next, as Krag rejected suggestion after Vrop's quivering notochord. Section was 550 feet in length, and its suggestion. Earth's Fear-imagery was Suddenly, to Krag's disappointment, tallest arch was 300 feet above his head, not particularly useful, but something the bipeds sprang apart, and the fe an impressive sight for a creature who would turn up. It always did. Krag re male's face was seen in a close-up, her could, if necessary, slide under a door membered the difficulty they encoun greater headnole opened wide. The without difficulty. tered on the fifth of their conquests this image that now filled the screen made The entire ship was, in fact, largely trip out. Zoron had been a medium- even Krag flinch. Rising from the waves devoted to this single chamber. The sized planet populated by intelligent was a huge, scaled creature easily 150 cramped quarters and the nonexistent plants, the dominant vegetable being a feet in height, its reptilian jaws dripping recreational facilities were sacrifices pulpy ground growth not dissimilar to gallons of slaver and sea water. The crea made for the strategy of Dree. The an Earth cabbage. After vainly search ture turned its powerful head toward the Procyon II was actually a giant inter ing for a proper weapon, the Dreens dwarfed couple and was upon them in stellar production department, lacking finally solved the problem by construct a single, gargantuan stride. .. . all offensive weaponry save a single ion ing a number of 15-foot slug-like robots, When Krag opened his eyes again, canon, which had never been fired out incorporating in their design the char the monster was gone, and in its place side of the regular drills. With the Prin acteristics of three destructive forms of was a scene of immense activity. Sev ciple of Fear as Dree's weapon, others leaf-eating predators that had once ter eral dozen bipeds, most of them dressed were simply not necessary. rorized the plant-beings some centuries in browns and greens decorated with Krag returned to the Library an hour earlier. Three hours after the robots' ap shiny bits of metal, were racing frantic later. He walked among the rows of pearance in Zoron's four major cities, ally about a large room whose walls were flickering vu-cubes, each one capable of the populace capitulated. Something covered with charts, maps and blink-

66 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. ing oscilloscopes. The central figure, ilarities to non-mammalian organisms ered claws, gobbets of realistic gore dressed in white, gained the attention (insects, crustaceans, reptiles, etc.). Em dangled obscenely. of the frenetic brown and green bipeds phasis on multiplicity of limbs (See Ter The Commander quickened his pulse by pointing to a large object resting on ror from the Land of the Giant Spiders, and engaged a small, gleaming lever. a table in front of him and covered with The Astounding Crab People, Return Perfectly insulated from the cold, poi a cloth cover. The biped in white dra of the Octopus from Beyond the Sun). sonous wind, Krag guided the Beast matically revealed what was under Appears without warning in densely forth from the water, heading with a neath — the severed end of a giant claw. populated area . . . mass hysteria, con crazed, shambling gait through a de The largest of the brown bipeds uttered fusion, panic. serted park, lumbering toward the mill a series of alien sounds. Krag set to work immediately. A ing throngs of the city's largest artery. "It looks like some sort of ... of giant flurry of conferences with Art and Pro Activating a bone-chilling shriek with claw I" Vrop translated. duction quickly produced a number of a deft stab of a small pale tentacle, Krag The next sequences involved a number Fear Form prototypes. The Commander rumbled the machine onto the street, of intercutting scenes in which, while personally considered each sketch, waving its malevolent pincers 90 the monster methodically blundered into weighing them according to probable feet above the heads of the stunned a series of striking architectural struc psychological impact, taking the best crowds. Twelve crunching legs rasped tures ("There goes the Washington features of each one and combining along the pavement and eight bulbous Monument," Vrop explained), the bi them into an optimum anatomical blue eyes glared at the stampeding bipeds — peds raced to complete a weapon de print. but Krag paused at the controls and signed to slay the beast. In a climactic The final specifications were worked peered again through the vu-port. The ending that kept Krag on the edge of his out by the Engineering Section, and pro bipeds stood their ground, staring back tray, the bipeds succeeded in destroying duction began immediately. Automatic at Krag. Krag thrashed his claws with the lizard by means of a device whose fabricators labored without respite as mock anger, but the bipeds only clus improbable technological assumptions Krag supervised the erection of the tered together along the sides of the concerning the nature of "subsonic great metal skeleton, whose dimensions street and gawked at Krag's superb dis wave vibrations" would have been were barely contained in the hangar. play. A piercing, rising wail sounded at laughingly dismissed by a Dreen larva Throughout the building, Krag made Krag's rear, emanating from a gaggle of class in elementary physics. Nonethe constant modifications on the original flashing, two-wheeled vehicles that sped less, Krag noted, the beast was impres design, lengthening an eye-stalk, in around him and passed by without even sive, and the terror in the scramblings creasing the articulation of a jointed diminishing their speed. Something was of its fleeing victims was totally cred antenna, adding fangs and scales. wrong, he knew. Somehow they had ible. At last, the Beast was completed to been warned. Krag coolly considered "Let us see another," Krag de Krag's satisfaction. He appraised the the possibility of a real "secret weapon," manded, helping himself to some more robot with an artist's eye and found it but knew that such information could silicone candies and Vrop's appealing to be the best work he had ever seen. never elude the Dreen's intelligence re flank. The Beast was a huge thing, painted ports. Krag raised his pincers hastily. A hundred crushed bipeds would soon The next, entitled The Unnameable with a palette of sickening reds, mottled alter their indifference, but before Krag Horror from Beyond the Stars, began purples and deathly grays. To a biped, could lower the heavy appendages, he with two bipeds, one male, one female the Beast would be the hybrid of a hun caught a glimpse of something directly ("There seems to be a pattern here," dred unthinkable nightmares, a master behind him. Swiveling the eyes of the Krag observed), in a stationary four- ful distillation of every disgusting, crawl Beast 180 degrees, he faced a Beast even wheeled vehicle. As the pair began what ing thing that haunted the minds of chil more loathsome, if possible, than his was now a familiar series of actions, dren and, when the children grew to own creation. It was a monster more they were interrupted by an immense, adulthood, were mercifully forgotten. terrifyingly grotesque than anything he formless mass of a presumably organic The Beast was a phantasmagoria of re- had seen in the films, an immense open- substance, which, to Krag, bore an un pusion, a horrid vision made impossibly mouthed rodent hovering directly over settling resemblance to a gelatinous real, evocative of snapping things amid Krag's armor-plated rear, its hundred- Dreenian breakfast-nutrient uniformly the rot of dead sea plants, of bloated foot limbs outstretched to clutch and loathed by young Dreens. After assimi spiders lurking in the shadows of dank shatter his dwarfed machine .... lating the bipeds and their vehicle, the garages, waiting. amoebic invader went on to engulf en The entire crew agreed it was a clas tire cities, driving herds of squealing bi sic of its kind. In the infirmary of the Procyon, al peds before it. Finally, the creature was ready 11 light years away from Earth, eliminated with an electronic device that Krag, encased in the Beast's upper Krag could but dimly recollect his made the "subsonic vibrator" look like torso, looked out at the Manhattan sky panicky, fear-stricken flight from the the newest Dreenian space-drive by com line through the slotted port above the monster, his teleportation back to the parison. control console. The murky waters of ship and the hasty disintegration of his The fourth concerned an outsized sea the East River found no entrance in the own Beast in the gray waters of the serpent and its fondness for ocean-go submerged Beast's tightly sealed cara East River. Although nursed by the at ing vessels. pace. Krag halted the machine's prog tentive Vrop, Krag remained inconsol The eighth recounted the saga of the ress to permit the passing of a small able. How could he have known the Creeping Horror's only son, who pleasure boat, its crew unwary of the Earthlings could create a Beast even seemed to follow the bent of its parent monstrous form shrouded in the water mightier than his own? He brooded with remarkable fidelity ("There goes a few feet below. There was no point in upon the report he would have to make the Washington Monument again," making its presence known prematurely. to the authorities upon his return to his Vrop remarked). The pilot tested his controls a last crowded home. At last, Krag had seen enough. Al time, flexing the long, jagged legs, open Perhaps Krag might have been though the plots differed in minor de ing and snapping shut the 20-foot, cheered to know that his coming had tails, the leitmotif Principle of Fear totally decorative, fang-filled maw. The not gone completely unmarked. After remained consistent. Krag read his own stalked eyes clustered and swayed to all, it wasn't everyone whose entry notes thoughtfully: Creature usually Krag's lightest touch and, from the received Honorable Mention in the 150-300 feet in length . . . morphic sim twisted ends of the hydraulically pow Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. • Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Here we are in the shiny, automatic kitchen of a typical American family of 1970. Junior yells "Norn goopa nar del yummo?" but don't worry, in 1970 everyone in the world speaks Esperanto, and he's just said, "Hey, mom, what's for break fast?" Well, for breakfast, the family —we'll call them the Joneses, but in 1970 everyone is named Smith — is about to tear into those yummy syn thetic eggs topped off with crispy strips of arti ficial bacon and a mouth-watering counterfeit cantaloupe, all made from specially treated soy beans and vulcanized rubber. All Mom has to do is take out a metal box from the Refrigerola, put them into her automatic diesel stove, and in 15 seconds the meal is perfectly cooked.

But wait, what's that melodious chiming? It's the photo-phone, which shows you a full-color snapshot of whoever's calling in a little window on top! Uncle Harry is calling from Mars, and he wants the whole family up for the afternoon! We leave with the Joneses from their 250- story apartment building made out of stainless zinc and vulcanized rubber and hop into their family rocket sled, a Hudson Haley's Comet that can hit 3,000 kilo-furlongs an hour (the new measuring system established by the League of Nations). Dad stops by his office at the C.C.C.- C.C.C.C. Building (Consolidated Cloud Con trol and Common Cold Cure Corporation) and the kids watch the traffic flow smoothly through the sky, controlled by a static-electricity "brain" that keeps the Joneses safe and sound.

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Incidentally, what with all these snazzy inven tions, you may wonder what's happened to our colored people. Well, don't worry, they're doing fine! By 1970, all our colored folks will have good high-paying jobs working on our Space Pull mans and don't forget, even the most futuristic city needs clean streets! As a matter of fact, everyone — even the Italians and the Polacks — is given full citizenship. (Remember, everyone is named Smith!) Why, even the state House of Representatives has a member whose mother was half-Jewish! 3

Well, the Joneses arrive at the downtown Astro-Macy's, still the biggest department store in the solar system and topped only by the 900- floor Studebaker Building. Stepping off the mo torized sidewalk (from which.pigeons, garbage, bums and drunks are removed by electric dis integrator), we are carried by a jet elevator to Macy's 98th floor clothing department. We look around for a robot salesman, who helps us select one of those snappy synthetic wool and aluminum suits. We pay for it with our handy "trust token," which the polite metal lic cashier validates in its special mouth slot, and the purchase is recorded automatically at the First Global Bank. But don't worry about money—in 1970 the most expensive suit costs only 37$!

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Oops! Dad's self-winding steam-operated elec tric wrist clock say it's almost 1300 hours, time to head for Grand Central Space Terminal and get our ticket for the Mars Local. There's just enough time for a quick bite before blast-off, so we insert our "trust token" in the automatic lunch-o-matic and quickly dive into our coun terfeit coke and synthetic sandwich. Before you know it, we're inside the rocket and 6 ... 7 ... 8 ... 9 ... 10 . . . we're off! A quick stop at the space depot to switch loco- rockets and we look back at dwindling Mother Earth, much improved in appearance ever since global decorators took off all those rough edges — like lumpy mountains, messy valleys and ragged coastlines. Three hours later, we're dock ing on the red planet!

Uncle Harry greets us at the gangplank and tells us to make sure we put on our special equip ment. There's less gravity up here on Mars, so we strap on a pair of lead-weighted boots to keep our "feet on the ground." Martian air hasn't yet been completely converted to anything breathable by the giant petunia plantations, so we slip on our space helmets, pull on heavy fur coats to ward off the freezing temperatures so far from old Mr. Sun, and we're off on our search for adventure. Well, we quickly discover a new world of fun and excitement climbing red-tinted mountains and watching the ore barges move through Mars' natural canal system. Our hometown planet gets most of its raw materials from its red neighbor now, and the lumber mills and diamond mines are busy 24 hours a day. (Only yesterday, Uncle Harry's company found an entire mountain made of vulcanized rubber ! )

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. But it's time to go home now, so we catch the Earth Express back to the city and zip home just in time for supper. We gain 24 hours crossing the interplanetary dateline, so it's actually yes terday's supper, but our diesel oven is even a whiz at leftovers. After a tasty meal of synthetic steak and mu tated mashed potatoes, we turn on the Radio- vision. Radiovision? That's right, the Joneses, like everybody else in 1970, own a little private screen where they can see advenjture shows, dramas, comedies and sports events in the pri vacy of their own home! The programs are broadcast across the country by powerful movie projectors located on the top of huge skyscrapers and beamed into each home by a scientifically angled system of mirrors and magnifying glasses. On RV tonight are Bob Hope and Bing Crosby in The Road to Phobos, sure to be a rib-tickler!

Well, its 2100 hours and time for bed. Nes tled in our vibro massage cots, we turn on the 78 rpm sleep learner, first selecting from a wide library of history, chemistry, woodworking and show tunes, and drift off to sleep. Sleep comes easy to our tuckered-out space explorers, but so do dreams — dreams of another thrill-packed day in that magical, miraculous year: 1970! Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 3 5

The signs are everywhere. Turkeys are diac Turkey, the Manger War, the Ap shot. We might never have found Indo buying shawls and practicing saying palling and Career-Ending Christmas china. Oh, well. "women and children last" with a hen Party, and the Borgia Wreath. accent; holly bushes are polishing their CHRISTMAS IN CRATERVILLE / imitations of scrub oaks; and smart ever ARNOLD ROTH'S CHRISTMAS / One Celebrate the season in the Town No greens are shedding needles faster than of the world's foremost experts on this body Knows. Amelia Earhart's recipe for a short-circuited Singer. Store windows depressing holiday examines some of its plum pudding, Martin Bormann's Christ are once again featuring the Curse of the unappealing aspects, including the Bob mas Prayer, Roy Crater's Stocking Magi, Earth vs. the Reindeer, and It Hope Christinas Show. Stuffers, and the Marie Celeste Choir singing old sea chanteys. Came from a Manger, and the entire THE NATIONAL LAMPOON annual aluminum output of six non- CHRISTMAS GIFT CATALOGUE / THE PRINCE AND THE POO-POO / aligned nations is mounted on light poles. 15 disgusting gimcracks to palm off on White House Heartbreak strikes again The air is filled with the thud of Salvation your mother-in-law or your family insur when Charlie Windsor, heir to the well- Army mortars and the wail of heavy at ance agent. tack organs; from chambers of com known British throne, and Tricia Nixon, merce deep beneath Main Street come NAKED LADIES / A stunning color daughter of the famous President, de the unearthly "ho-ho-hos" of mindless portfolio of nudes obtained by dropping velop a "special relationship" of their zombies being readied for their unspeak a little Darvon in the office girls' Christ own. able tasks. In short, it's Christmas. And mas punch. what better way to spoil it than with PLUS: Unpublished novels by Charles the Christmas issue of the National SPECIAL COUNT-YOUR-BLESSINGS Dickens and Franz Kafka, the first pic Lampoon? SECTION / Things could be worse. We tures from Phobos, four new proofs for might not have listened to Joe McCarthy. Einstein's theory of relativity, an evening CHRISTMAS BEWARE! Artist Gahan We might have lost World War II and at home with Howard Hughes and Greta Wilson portrays some of the dangers of been plunged into poverty, like Japan. Garbo, and a special cut-out perpetual the season, including: the Amazing Car We might have lost Indochina without a motion machine.

72 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Panasonic has always been known keep one station from interfering pictured), headphones, even to give you your money's worth. with another, and considerate a cassette deck—when things But times being like they are, enough to signal when a program loosen up a little. we decided to go even ourselves is being broadcast in stereo. In the meantime, stop in at one better. And you'll hear it all any Panasonic dealer and ask to This is the one. Our new through a matched set of over see and hear the "Montvale," Model RE-7800. It gives you a sized speakers that deliver truly RE-7800. In these tight money phenomenal amount of sound for opulent sound. A sound you can times, it could relax your outlook your dollar. adjust every-which-way with as on a whole lot of things. Starting with an 8-track sophisticated a set of controls stereo cartridge player that lets you as a Toscanini would want. (You enjoy all the joys of tape can even adjust the amount of listening without any of the sound coming out of each speaker sorrows of tape fumbling. individually.) And following with a superb But it's in the back of this receiver that plays FM, AM and receiver where the future lies. FM stereo. A receiver strong Because this stereo system has enough to pull in even weak provisions for adding on a record distant stations, smart enough to player (like our snazzy RD-7673

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