It Came from 1971 •W

Zero Gravity Sex Manual Lyndon Johnson Remembers

MAY 1971 THE HUMOR MAGAZINE 75CENTS The Future: It Came from 1971

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UrfeBeautifu l clothes. For a full color 20" x 36" poster of this ad, send $1.00 to Landlubber Poster #5-L, Box 8006, Boston, Mass. 02114.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. May, 1971 Vol.1, No. 14 The Good Old Future, 19 By Arnold Roth The 1906 National Lampoon, 23 By Doug Kenney Toilets of the Extraterrestrials, 30 By Peter Bramley A Look at the Future, 32 By R. O. Blechman Special "IF" Section, 33 By Henry Beard 3 Novel Ways to Fathom Your Fate, 41 By Michael O'Donoghue Weerd Tayls, 43 By Michel Choquette & Sean Kelly City of the Future, 50 By Gray Morrow Johnson Remembers, 52 By Terry Catchpole NASA Sutra, 57 By Michael O'Donoghue Attack of the 90 Foot Macrobes, 60 By Michael O'Donoghue But You Hadn't Heard of Vietnam in 1957, 62 By Terry Catchpole War Hero, 64 By David Chambourt Printout Magazine, 67 By Hugo Flesch Editorial, 4 Letters, 6 Mrs. Agnew's Diary, 8 Horrorscope, 12 News of the Month, 16 Foto Funnies, 49 Coming Next Month, 72 NATIONAL LAMPOON® MAGAZINE: "National Lampoon" is a registered trademark ot National Lampoon, Inc. The Lampoon name is used with the permission of the Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Copyright © 1971 National Lampoon, Inc., 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. All rights reserved. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or in part without written permission from the publisher. Any similarity to real people and places in fiction and semi-fiction is purely coincidental. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Published monthly by National Lam poon, Inc., 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. $5.95 paid annual subscription, $10.50 paid two-year subscription, and $14.50 paid three-year subscription in territorial U.S. Additional $1.00 for Canada and Mexico. $2.00 for Foreign. Second-class postage pending at New York, N.Y. and additional mailing offices, CHANGE OF ADDRESS: Subscriber please send change of address to Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Be sure to give old address, new address, and zip code for both. Allow six weeks for change. POSTMASTER: Please mail Form 3579 notices to: Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. ADVERTISING INFORMATION: Con tact Advertising Director, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022, or call (212) 688-4070. EDITORIAL INFORMATION: Contact Managing Editor, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022, or call (212) 688-4070. Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings and photographs submitted if they are to be returned. Publisher assumes no responsibilty for unsolicited material.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. records/tapes Special introductory offer from unlimited. Any 3 records or any 2 cartridqes or cassettes i records/tapes PLUS ' unlimited. membership..-for only $TFOO plus :S:JC mailing ...you will also receive a big buying guide offering 7an d handling records and tapes at 30% to 75% discount! BIG DISCOUNTS ON ALL LABELS (off manufacturers' suggested list price) RECORDS CARTRIDGES/CASSETTES Mfgs.' suggested Records/Tapes Mfgs.' suggested Records/Tapes NO OBLIGATION TO BUY RECORDS OR TAPES - EVER! list price* Unlimited price list price* Unlimited price $2.98 $1.66 $6.98 $4.49 2.49 7.98 4.97 3.09 8.98 5.69 3.79 9.98 6.18 WHAT A BARGAIN! Just look at what you 4.49 10.98 6.99 get for only $7.00: I be purchased l 1. Your choice of ANY 3 hit records below manufacturers' suggested list price (worth up to $17.94) OR 2. Your choice of ANY 2 of these cart ridges or cassettes—worth up to $16.96. of our discount buying guides, listing best 3. Membership in Records/Tapes Un sellers in all fields of music . . . classical, folk, limited (the usual membership fee is $2.50). pop, teen, country, jazz, etc., as well as in Add them up—and you can see that you formation on special discount sales. Browse are getting up to a $20.44 value! But that's through the guide; you're sure to find an only the beginning of the tremendous savings album or tape, or several you were planning you will enjoy on all the records and tapes to buy—fill out the handy order form—and you want . . . because as a member of Rec we'll rush you your records or tapes by re ords/Tapes Unlimited you will be entitled turn mail! You pay for your selections only to buy the records and tapes you want—when after you have received them. (A small mail you want them—always at a guaranteed 30 % ing and handling charge will be made for discount; and occasionally as high as 75% each item ordered.) All records and tapes are off manufacturers' suggested list price. guaranteed to be factory-fresh; if you are not And these big discounts apply to all rec completely satisfied, replacements will be ords and tapes—on all labels—all the time . . . made without question. unlike local discount stores that offer big discounts on a few selections in limited To Try Our Service quantity for a limited time! If you think Records/Tapes Unlimited offers the kind of savings on records and tapes How The Service Works you've been looking for, and would like to Records/Tapes Unlimited is a buying service take advantage of this introductory offer, —not a record or tape club! You are not ob simply fill out the coupon, indicating the 3 ligated to buy on a monthly basis—or to buy records or 2 cartridges/cassettes you wish to anything ever! receive, and mail it along with your check or From time to time, we'll send you copies money order for $7.35. Act Now!

I records/tapes 1 unlimited Records/Tapes Unlimited Box 500, Harmony, Indiana 47853 Please send me the 3 LPs, or 2 cartridges/ cassettes I've indicated below, plus the buy ing guide. Enclosed is a check or money order Bridge Over for $7.35 as payment in full. I understand Troubled Water that I am under no obligation to buy through the service. But, if I wish, I may order as many as I want at a guaranteed discount of at least 30%—and occasionally up to 75% off manufacturers' suggested list price. (A 197954 188367 193623 186809 small mailing and handling charge will be made for each item ordered.) I will also have TAMMY WYNETTE CROSBY. STILLS a free charge account and may charge all my THE FIRST. NASH & YOUNG purchases. Only one membership per family UDY DALLAS TAYLOR cfeler. &aul permitted. Run, Send me these Woman, & GREG REEVES and dftary Run P^ Deja Vu "^ TEN YEARS 3 RECORDS 10 MORE TOGETHER or these 2 • CARTRIDGES 195693 188060 191809 193748 • CASSETTES • Mr. THE MAMAS • Mrs. AND THE PAPAS 16 OF THEIR • Miss . GREATEST , ** H.TS Address City- State. .Zip. 196493 183707 171504 195719 193821 R136/CL R137/CY Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. m

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Although the fact has not yet been publicized due to its top secret nature, a government research project has recently succeeded in transporting a human being into the future and safely back again to the present. The pilot and his conveyance (a surprisingly uncomplicated device stumbled upon Editor during the fortuitous juxtaposition of a number of simple components in Douglas C. Kenney cluding a penlight battery, dodge'em car, three golf tees and a waffle iron) Executive Editor Henry N. Beard traveled one year into the future equipped with 12 American flags, an exact replica of the May 21, 1971, edition of the Congressional Record Managing Editor and a set of platinum commemorative medallions depicting the 50 state Mary Martello birds. Art Director Michael Gross Although most of the data gathered still remains highly classified, the Contributing Editors | National Lampoon has been granted permission to list a number of spe Michael O'Donoghue cific recommendations and precautions that the average citizen will find George W. S. Trow useful during the coming 12 months: June 15, 1971 — If the household is Christopher Cerf serviced by the northeast power grid, purchase enough candles and non- Michel Choquette refrigerated food to last 17 days. June 27, 1971—New York subway Tony Hendra Michael Frith riders on the 6:10 E train are strongly advised to get off before 57th Street and Broadway. July 5 — Invest in Russian Imperial Bonds. July 23 — Sports Editor John Weldman Destroy all articles of clothing made with the new miracle fiber, Putron (TM). August 17 — If aboard the 7:30 Astrojet #344 to Miami, watch for Associate Editor (Great Britain) a short, foreign-accented individual sitting in seat C6 clutching a sealed J. Dudley Flshburn shoe box. August 31 — Do not vacation in the immediate vicinity of-Mount Assistant Art Director Vesuvius. September 11 — Ditto Loch Ness, Scotland. September 30 — Be Katherlne Palladini friend an influential member of the local Knights of Columbus. October 25 Editorial Assistant — Hoard tennis balls. November 6 — Avoid any association with the poli Sheila Goldfarb tical views of Ethel Langley, presently obscure Pasadena, Calif., housewife. Guest Editorial Assistant December 10 — Eat three pounds of anchovies. December 23 — Molly's Susan Read Pride in the fourth at Hialeah by a nose. January 20, 1972 — Circle every Stylist 23rd word in the N-Y. Times text of the President's State of the Union Linda Sampson address. Follow the resulting instructions carefully. February 10 — If sit Subscription Manager ting 16Vi feet directly east of the Vice-President at the first tee of the Howard Jurofsky Bob Hope Classic, duck. — DCK Circulation Director Alexander Turkish COVER: This month's cover was the result of close teamwork between Publisher artist Gray Morrow and photogapher Neil Armstrong, and, in case you Leonard Mogel didn't notice, the only thing that went right with this pig-iron albatross of an issue. Better luck next month, Hank and Doug. The National Lampoon, Inc. is a sub sidiary of Twenty First Century Communi cations, Inc.

Matty Simmons, Chairman Leonard Mogel, President George Agoglia, Vice President

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Remember Jean Harlow and Carole Lombard? Re member H. L. Mencken and Theodore Dreiser, Gandhi and G.B.S. and the Marx Brothers? Ever read a short Subscription Department story by F.D.R. or a thesis on sex and marriage by Benito Mussolini? Is it possible that you remember LIBERTY MAGAZINE Shirley Temple's 1936 New Year's Resolutions or that Dept. L471, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022 you still know how to do the Big Apple or the Lambeth Walk? Do you remember Liberty magazine? Yes, I want to subscribe to LIBERTY MAGAZINE. If you've said "yes" to any five of the above questions, I enclose my check (or money order) for $2.95 to you win the Warren G. Harding Memorial Award for cover a one-year subscription. Excellence in Recall. If you flunked, you really ought to stop thinking about the future and start getting with the past. Nostalgia, someone said recently, is the over riding emotion of the 1970's. You know why? Because Name it's more fun to think about the past than the present (Please Print) or future. Address Liberty will be published four times a year beginning with the Summer issue, on sale April 22, 1971. After City_ that, there'll be issues published every three months. You'll find the magazine at newsstands everywhere or, if you want to make sure to get your copy, by subscrip State _Zip Code_ tion here — now. Incidentally, if your memory bank extends only to such remembrances as J.F.K., the young Marlon Brando, Howdy Doody and Sandra Dee, then Liberty, the nos talgia magazine, will show you more colorful days. So, what's old? Liberty, that's what!

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. of what she wrote in her diary about her and that Peterson boy from across the street is true. A stitch in time, if you know what I mean. Florence Nesbitt Montreal, Can.

Sirs: I would like to take issue with your magazine concerning your recent article entitled "Electro-shock Therapy: Legal ized Memory Murder." I have under Sirs: gone over 17 of these therapeutic treat Who says reincarnation is a lot of ments and if you get hungry, I left some bunk? I, for example used to be in hard peanut-butter-and-jellies in the fridge. ware and now I'll be doggoned if I'm not I'll be back on the 3:15 next Tuesday. a sheep. Don't forget to feed whatsitsname. Pete Gabel Mrs. Elenor Grozney Lincoln, Neb. Decatur, 111. Sirs: BOUND I just wanted to drop you a line and Sirs: tell you that Pixie is back from the vet Many strong thank yous on your and he says just keep the bandage on choice for the cover of your "Man of TO PLEASE until Thursday and she'll be fine. You the Year" issue! I and all my people's Ho ho ... bound to please. Get it? know how awful I felt, but I suppose Hee hee. hearts go thumpa-thumpa in gratitude Now, for a limited time only (say it's much better to have it done before for your very brave and wise editorial until the reappearance of Haley's they start to yowl and rub up against staff. comet), you can purchase this nifty the furniture and smell up the place. YassirKahlil binder to preserve your back issues of Not a moment too soon, either, if half Sadad, Syria the National Lampoon. Each handsome submarine-yellow binder has the name National Lam poon, The Humor Magazine stamped in Shirley-temple black on its front and side. It'll hold your 12 monthly issues neatly for easy reference, or else cleverly camouflage those copies of Spicy P/x and Leather Lads Quar terly. Made of durable pseudoleatheroid, this handy binder will keep your issues fresh and crisp for years of midnight snickers. (Midnight snickers, get it?) $3.85 for one; $7.10 for two; $9.90 for three. We pay the postage. New York State residents please add appro priate sales tax.

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m T- en °° N oi . . CO <& CO W/~.o\ E p J3S2 So S.6f?oSS CO T- C\J CO ° >, CO O 0) *• ' ' ' co o _ E "They got me, Lennie — I'm wounded."

Sirs: Well-hung college grad, 23, with truckload of raspberry Fizzies, seeks dis creet, large-breasted young woman (20- 25) with large swimming pool and liking for the unusual. Timothy Mayer Cambridge, Mass.

Sirs: A pig is an animal with dirt on his face. His shoes are a terrible disgrace. He's got no manners when he eats his SMflJiMj food. He's just plain stupid and extreme ly rude. So if you don't care a feather or a fig, you may grow up to be a pig. Linda Kasabian Los Angeles, Calif. rasas MAY, 1970/GREED: Featuring an exclusive interview with Howard Hughes, a poster-sized parody People of Earth: of the Wall Street Journal, the Annual Report of the Mafia, the Poor and the Super-Poor and Up This message is sent to you from a With Negroes. warship orbiting your planet. In five of JUNE, 1970/BLIGHT: With Sludge Magazine, Beauty Tips for Mutants, Our Threatened Nazis, Jean your Earth days we will land in the city Shepherd's S.P.L.A.T., Mort Gerberg's Pollutionland, and Michael O'Donoghue's Extinction Game. you call Washington. Do not try to JULY, 1970/BAD TASTE: Don't miss The Liz Taylor and Richard Burton Gift Catalogue, the Special Mediocrity Supplement, A Photographer's Guide to Art and Pornography, and the Most Tasteless resist. Your puny weapons are toys com Article Ever Printed! pared to our [untranslatable]. AUGUST, 1970/PARANOIA: What would America be like as a second-rate power? Read We're Only Place at the foot of your Washington Number Two. Also, a Paranoia Map of the World, Is Nixon Dead? (Well, is he?), and The Secret of Monument all your world's plutonium, San Clemente. the contents of your Library of Congress SEPTEMBER, 1970/SHOW BIZ: Get your mezzanine seats now for the MGM Blackmail Auction, and 1,000 female hostages. Your Presi Screen Slime Magazine, Raquel Welch Laid Bare, Diary of a New Left Starlet, and College Concert Comix! dent will also be handed over to us for [untranslatable], and [untranslatable] NOVEMBER, 1970/NOSTALGIA: A spin out on Memory Lane. Read reminiscences by Jean Shepherd; the 1896 Sears, Roebuck Sex Catalogue; The Fifties: A Special Section; 1936: A Space Odyssey; remnants will be returned. Obey without and The Death Song Game. question or your tiny speck of dust will DECEMBER, 1970/CHRISTMAS: Prepare now for the next ghastly hollydaze with Gahan Wilson's be eradicated by our [untranslatable]. Xmas Horrors, The Santology Handbook, I Remember Jesus, and Tricia and the Prince Comics. Oh, and by the way, could one of you JANUARY, 1971/WOMEN'S LIB: Females unite! Stop the chauvinist pigs with the special Cosmo guys be a pal and throw in a copy of politan parody, the Women's Lib Pin-Up Calendar, the Anti-Sexist Children's Book, and Arnold Everything You Wanted to Know About Roth's Female Feechur. Sex but Were Afraid to Ask? Before I FEBRUARY, 1971/HEAD ISSUE: Learn the mind-expanding powers of Kitty Litter in Michael O'Donoghue's Bummers, the Natlamp Special Stoned Section, Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha Clas left, the little [untranslatable] nagged sic Comic, Madison Avenue Marijuana Packs and the 1971 Rotting Stone parody ("Mozart, We'll me to death. Miss You!")! Xorg MARCH, 1971/CULTURE: Tote that tome and lift that pinkie with Michael O'Donoghue's How to No address given Write Good, The Gracie Slick Handbook of Radical Dos & Don'ts, The Undiscovered Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci, The. Mantovani Strain, and The Life and Times of Captain Bringdown. Sirs: APRIL, 1971/ADVENTURE: Good God, Professor, it's . . . it's . . . Derby Dames on Parade, Tarzan Listen, I'm sick and tired of all this of the Cows, Real Balls Adventure Magazine, The Philosopher Detective, The Great American Cereal Box and free Booblegum Cards. "cheap publicity stunt" jive. Don't mess with my gig and I won't mess with yours. To order these back issues, just check off the ones you want in the coupon below. Return the J. Hendrix coupon to us with $1 in bill, check or money order for each copy you'd like. Sausalito, Calif.

Sirs: THE NATIONAL LAMPOON, Dept. NL-571, 635 Madison Avenue, All of us cats in our groovy hippie New York, N.Y. 10022 commune really dig your swinging trea Send me the following: sonous magazine and all the hep put- tf of copies Issue # of copies Issue downs of our nation's leaders. We are a MAY, 1970 DECEMBER, 1970 bunch of dangerous pothead radicals, JUNE, 1970 JANUARY, 1971 too, and wonder if you would send us JULY, 1970 FEBRUARY, 1971 MARCH, 1971 10 copies per month of your way-out . AUGUST, 1970 SEPTEMBER, 1970 APRIL, 1971 magazine and the names of all the poli NOVEMBER, 1970 tical organizations where you belong (so I enclose a total of $ at $1 for each copy requested. This amount we can join 'em, too) and the names of covers purchase plus shipping and handling. your nearest relatives. My Name , R. D. Tomlinson Federal Bureau of Investigation Address .State. .Zip. Washington, D.C. City

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 7 but then again David doesn't always seem to notice a lot of things. After dessert (doughnuts a la mode, Spiggy's favorite), Spiggy offered David a cigar, but Julie said no, thanks, he doesn't smoke and Spiggy sort of looked at him and said does he breathe and I gave him another good one under the table. When Spiggy gets into these silly moods, I give him the Silent Treatment. He finally got the message and started telling jokes about the service, like did David know what a naval destroyer was? Ever since I began snitching from the David said no, sir, and Spiggy said a Hail and welcome keen-eyed Julie! grocery money to pay the interest on my hula-hoop with a nail in it. Nymph of charm and temper scalding; Famous Writers School tuition, every David said that was certainly a zinger Our troubled Youth adore you truly single one of my cakes has gone flat. and he'd remember it to cheer up his Tho' cares of State have left you Goes to show. men when things got dangerous and balding. Well, Spiggy was still at the office Spiggy said sure, those mimeo machines And likewise, too, your handsome working with Dick on a speech about can be pure hell sometimes, ha ha. Right Spouse next month's hippie riot in Washington then, Julie stood up and said to please (Whose curveball packs surprisin' (it's something to do with how the army excuse them but David had an important power) is going to get lost and turn up in that letter to write to Time magazine. David Brings honor unto Spiggy's house country that sounds like the fancy des blushed (just like he did when I caught O spawn of saintly Eisenhower! sert at Ruby Foo's), so I told them I'd him that time with Leo) and told Julie Tho' Spiggy's jokes bring cringing fears put a mattress on the rumpus room that he still thought he was a little young To shiftless knaves both black and Ping-Pong table and move Spiggy's Exer- to be Man of the Year, but Julie pinched redskinned, cycle into the laundry room. (Someday his ear (maybe that explains it!), stood Dread not his jests about Dave's ears if I'm in a naughty mood, dear Diary, him up and led him out of the room And how they'd lift him in a I'll tell you what Spiggy accidentally saying that he knew Daddy wasn't go headwind. screamed into the phone to Joe Alsop ing to make him Secretary of the Navy Dear Diary, when he [Spiggy] was exercising and next year unless David did at least some As you can see, the Muse has once Leo the poodle made a mistake on the of the groundwork. again invaded my washday reveries, dis motor and shorted the whole thing out. tracting me from my household duties Well, after they were tucked in, Spiggy When Spiggy arrived, he was mad as and teasing me to do poetry instead of was still sitting at the table shaking his all get-out that they had moved in. Last Spiggy's socks. Isn't it funny that every head, saying that if Kim ever brought time David was here, you see, he was time I'm about to get at them, a sudden home something like that, he'd have her doing some funny business with Leo and urge to scamper to the writing desk committed. I told him that that wasn't clogged up Spiggy's Water Pik. But I comes over me? nice to say because David tries so hard told him to shush because we owed it to Well, you have already learned from to be like the other boys and girls his Dick since .he kept that mess about my snippet above that David and Julie age and wasn't it lucky at least that those Randy and that awful sailor out of the have come for a surprise visit. When snoopy newspapermen never found out papers. Spiggy quieted down but not be they arrived, suitcases in hand, Julie about David's terrible accident when he fore I think they heard him say some told me how their horrible landlord had was a baby. (Spiggy always says it's a thing terrible about what David did to thrown them out of their apartment in wonder that the shape of his head doesn't the bathroom mirror and why didn't he Newport when they fell a little behind in make them suspicious.) just lay off sweets? their rent. I don't care if you're the Unfortunately, just at that moment, grandson of Attila the Hun, the man told However, at dinner Spiggy perked up Leo gave a yip in the rumpus room and David, cough up or vamoose. Julie said, and asked David why he chose the Navy Spiggy yelled oh, Christ, he's at it again, and rightly so, that she and David would and David said he liked to fish and and stormed out to get back his Water not put up with such rudeness — and Spiggy said that's funny, with those flap Pik. here they were. I have to admire them pers, I thought you'd be a natural for All for now, for not going to Dick for help. I must the Air Force. Well, I kicked Spiggy say I agree with Dick's philosophy about good and hard under the table and thank how handouts ruin one's self-reliance. goodness David didn't seem to notice, SH*lr ATTENTION ALL MAGAZINE RETAILERS Independent News Company, Inc., is pleased to announce a Retail Display Plan available to all re tailers interested in earning a display allowance on the National Lampoon Magazine. To obtain details and copy of the formal contract, please write to Marketing Department, Independent News Com pany, Inc., 909 3rd Avenue, New York, New York 10022. (Attn. Randy Ardissone.) Under the Retail Display Plan, in consideration of your acceptance and fulfillment of the terms of-the formal contract to be sent to you upon your request, you will re ceive a display allowance of 10 per cent of the cover price per copy sold by you. This plan will become effective with all issues of the National Lampoon Magazine delivered to you subsequent to the date your written acceptance of the formal "Of course, if you survive, you'll have been proven completely innocent Independent News Co., Inc., Retail Agreement is of the charge brought against you. . . ." received and accepted by our company.

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(address) 833. SEXUAL SELF-STIMULATION. By R. E. L. Mas ters. Examines history and techniques of male and female masturbatory practices including physical aspects and the erotic fantasies employed. Filled with remarkable case histories. (city) (state) Pub. at $7.50 Only $3.95 (zip) Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. May 11, 1971 (magnavox) Charles Henry Kissinger, Mick Jagger, Johnny Reich, author of social sci-fi chartbuster Carson, Jane Fonda, Ronald Reagan, The Greening of America, reports dis Nguyen Van Thieu, Steve Lawrence covery of yet another "consciousness Eydie Gorme, Edmund Muskie, Golda level" after researching biographical data Meir, Flipper, the entire sophomore on fellow Yalies Dick Cavett and Erich class at West Point and the editorial Segal. Reich describes "Consciousness staffs of Time, Screw and Family Circle. IV" individuals as the "ultimate level of human awareness, typified by their ten May 23, 1971 (poor reception) Follow Crystal gazing (kris tal ga zing) n.; Gr. dency to be money-grubbing little runts." ing the publicized high-school reunions krystallos. Gazing into a crystal sphere of Richard Nixon, Gracie Slick and the to evoke images that foretell the future. May 13, 1971 (instant replay) Admit late Janis Joplin, ex-Nazi Rudolph Hess ting that Apple's disastrous balance holds class reunion for remaining fellow sheets have forced the Beatles back to wunderkinder in the streamer-festooned May 1, 1971 (summer replacement) gether, newly appointed moptop spokes basketball court of Spandau prison. Hun Announcing speediest show-biz revival man Bill Graham reveals kick-off site of dreds of familar faces from the past since Christ's three-day Easter comeback, pop group's "better-than-ever" American frolic the night away to traditional Ar footlight Fagin David Merrick states his tour has been switched from Fillmore gentine folk dances. Says unidentified forthcoming umpteenth resurrection of East to Geneva-on-the-Lake, Ohio night paperhanger, "It was wunderbarl Maybe Hello, Dolly! will even out-gimmick spot where Fab Four will share tog bill if we had all been elected king of the former all-Negro version. Although all- ing with Bill Haley, The Limelighters and prom 40 years ago, things would have drag-queen cast is already in rehearsal, the Kingston Trio, winding up each turned out better for everybody, fa?" leading role is still up for grabs among show with a foot-tapping "battle of the Truman Capote, Milton Berle and video bands" with arch-rival, the Dave Clark sexpot Virginia Graham. Five. May 24, 1971 (blown fuse) In the wake of the arrest of Catholic conspirators May 4, 1971 (technical difficulties) May 17, 1971 (NBC sports spectacu Philip and Daniel Berrigan, Attorney Arraigned and held without bail for lar) Agilely answering charges that each General John Mitchell announces the "willful and malicious removal of little golf ball hidden aboard Apollo 14 cost discovery of yet more hoodlum priests white tags from pillows and mattresses," taxpayers $11,000 in excess lift-off and swears out warrants against Fulton American industry's Jiminy Cricket, weight, jocular jet-jockey Alan B. Shep- J. Sheen, Pope Paul VI and all known Ralph Nader, claims incriminating evi ard giggles that costs were "chicken copies of Bing Crosby's movie Going My dence was gathered by "paid informant feed" compared to those resulting from Way. After outlining papist plot to "stuff of General Motors." Federal prosecutor co-cosmonut Edgar Mitchell's smuggled up Pentagon pay toilets with bingo denies any connection between Nader's sporting goods, which included a lead cards," Mitchell is quietly led from the arrest and platinum-plated Cadillac "en fungo bat, a shot put, a bowling ball, a podium to a white van for much-needed gagement present" anonymously donated collapsible billiard table, a full set of rest. to Trish Nixon's favorite Raider, Ed Cox. Indian clubs and a pair of dumbbells. May 26, 1971 (interrupted transmis May 8, 1971 (reply hazy, ask again May 22, 1971 (dialing for dollars) sion) Russian leader Aleksei Kosygin is later) TV "supah" man David Frost Howard Hughes, megabuck mystery informal guest at White House supper hosts senior G-man J. Edgar Hoover to magnate, makes news as he once again with Nixons when, in middle of toast, discuss subversion of American ideals fires a number of underlings long dis he formally accuses entire family of by foreign infiltrators. In middle of in tance from an unspecified Bahamian re being "disgustingly vulgar, fat-faced terview, Hoover accidentally emits loud, treat. Although no specific names were swine." World War III is avoided only distinct fart, to which Frost responds mentioned in the newest staff reshuffling, when translator hastily explains that with ebullient flattery and cries of "Won Hughes'representatives winked enigmat Kosygin's real words were erroneously derful" and "Marvelous." Frost deported ically at press inquiries linking the shake- garbled when Russian premier gagged following day. up to the unexpected "retirements" of on a lump of cottage cheese. •

12 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Little Doug Kenney will go to bed hungry tonight. ... unless you help. Raised in a small village so much. If you buy a one-year subscription, called by the natives "Ohio," Doug has never little Doug Kenney can have a crust of bread had the things that your children have had. He and a cup of milk every day. A two-year sub was 10 years old before he owned a pair of scription will send him to school, where he will Florsheim shoes, he was almost 20 before learn to read, write and play polo. A lifetime he had his first ride in a Lincoln Continental, subscription will enable him to throw an entire and his parents were too poor to send him to coming-out party for his less fortunate friends a fancy Swiss private school like his play in the south of France. mates. He has never tasted caviar Just $5.95 will give you a year of reading Won't you find it in your heart to join the pleasure. National Lampoon Foster Subscription Pro And little Doug will love you. gram? It costs only pennies a day and can do Subscribe, dammit!

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Steve Thompson, LaCrescenta, Calif. I've been sitting in the sun for three Gdansk for the memories. hpurs; I wonder if my Pakistan? Ben Brian, Orange County, Calif. Emily Mirsky, Cleveland Heights, Ohio Sure the walls of New York jails are That guy holding the razor; Addis cold, but the Florida Pensacola. Ababa. Hank Haffner, Jamaica, N.Y. Henry Moog Jr., Atlanta, Ga. Learn to speak Swahili in Zambezi les My blood? Taipei, of course. sons. Henry Moog Jr., Atlanta, Ga. Brian Quigley, Tacoma, Wash. Look what they've done to my Song He can smell a card game a mile away; May. he's got a Poconos. Scott H. Klein, Brooklyn, N.Y. Tom Sshofield, Bristol, Pa. Sinbad the Sailor is my favorite Khar OTHER WINNERS (Your name print toum character. ed in a national magazine) Nancy Castenholz, Westwood, Calif. A Liechtenstein saves nine. That one doesn't fit? Try this one on Ver David Weinberger, Lewisburg, Pa. sailles. Kenya give me a Tokyo hash? Rod MacGregor, Winnipeg, Can. Ann Trowbridge & Mike Barnett, I'm mean, I'm tough, Amarillo down Medford, Mass. outlaw. Tijuana dance. Jay Abramowitz, Hartsdale, N.Y. Ann Pennewill, Jackson, Mich. Keep playing with that hand grenade Mama, Philippine in his pants. and nothing will Rumania. Henry Moog Jr., Atlanta, Ga. Robert Looney Jr., Brockton, Mass. Oh, please, Chesapeake? No church key needed for the new alu TRYGVE LIE MEMORIAL B&W Enterprises, Ltd., Tacoma, Wash. minum Ethiopian cans. INTERNATIONAL PUN TOSS & Can anyone tell me Wyoming is such a John & Pammie, Coronado, Calif. YOKOHAMA THROW strong instinct in pigeons? Your cooking makes me want Dubuque. B&W Enterprises, Ltd., Tacoma, Wash. Andrea Friedman, Chicago, 111. Readers were asked to submit geo It's better to Kiev than to Recife. Mark Twain was Samuel Clemens's graphical puns. For example: "I never Allan Wilke, East Lansing, Mich. Phnom-Penh. Mediterranean I didn't like." This turned Walla-Walla everywhere, and nary a Shannon Mills, College Station, Tex. out to be about as good an idea as ask drop to drink. The Koreagraphy is great; it's got lots of ing Norman Mailer to tell us a little Dean Livingston, Burbank, Ohio Seoul. about himself. 6,742 entries were re God Danube. Ralph Harris, Los Angeles, Calif. ceived, with an average of just under E. Taylor Green Jr., Greenville, N.C. There goes that agitator. Utah, I'll four puns in each entry. For the mathe Glenn Markoe, Berkeley, Calif. feather. matical among you, that is 25,000 puns. Nerril Narkoe, Oakland, Calif. John Schriefer, Brooklyn, N.Y. Miss Mary Marshmallow sends her apol He's a bull Indochina shop. Ve vere out of radishes, Soviet Unions. ogies for the delay in announcing the E. Taylor Green Jr., Greenville, N.C. Jay Johnson, Bellevue, Wash. winners from the Mayonnaise Clinic, June is Boston out all over. If music be the food of love, Bayonne. where she is being treated for McNally's S. Livingston, Van Nuys, Calif. Dana Shillins, Towson, Md. Syndrome. Mr. Douglas Kenney reports Thith ith a thtick-up, hand over Duluth. Amsterdam phone, will you? that the world globe was removed from S. Livingston, Van Nuys, Calif. Donald Bloss, Manhattan Beach, Calif. his thorax "without complications." Mr. Religion Ethiopia the people. If you don't shut your mouth, I'll give ya Henry Beard walks around in a trance a Michael Quinn, Teaneck, N.J. a fat Libya creep. lot, mumbling, "I had a weird father — Crimea river. Gary Goldstein, Franklin Square, N.Y. an Erie, Pa. Get it? Gaaaahahaha." Glenn Markoe, Berkeley, Calif. I like VWs and Renaults, but I Constan SIZEABLE PRIZE WINNERS (Any Nerril Narkoe, Oakland, Calif. tinople. three books from the Special Book Bar Your parrot doesn't remember a thing; Alpheus Holmes, Ft. George G. Meade gains Ad on Pages 10 & 11) it's the worst case of Polynesia I've ever Do-re-mi-fa-so-Toledo. The hip-bone Schenectady the leg-bone, seen. Mark Howard, Pullman, Wash. the leg-bone Schenectedy the foot- S. E. Friedman, West Islip, N.Y. This ointment should clear up your bone. . . I wonder if we Liverpool out of Viet Azores. Terry Stevens, nam. Jack Hayes, Rochelle, 111. Champaign, 111. Martin Sanborn, Oakland, Calif. Calley's a jolly good fellow, that nobody Gary Krefft, Chicago, 111. I love you, a bushel and Quebec, a can My Lai. Alex M. Neel, Champaign, 111. bushel and Quebec . . . C. Ford Peatross, Chapel Hill, N.C. "My, that's an excellent Loch Ness," re Richard Friedman, Cambridge, Mass. Christopher Robin says he'll sleep better marked the serpent .to the portrait Hold your nose, Calcutta fart. if Poughkeepsie hands to himself. painter. Chris Anschuetz, Brunswick, Me. Reid Edwards, Winnipeg, Can. Tom R. 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14 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Robert Looney Jr., Brockton, Mass. Walter Fiedler, Riverdale, N.Y. Begorrah, Father, I have sinned, have I tried to Casablanca Czech. Marseille on my soul. B&W Enterprises Ltd., Tacoma, Wash. Judith Ecker, East Lansing, Mich. Five apples is Annapolis than six apples. Ah snorts stuff, but Massachusetts. Julia Richardson, Tuscaloosa, Ala. B&W Enterprises Ltd., Tacoma, Wash. Businessmen like to ball a secretary; I collect etchings of marine life and have bankers like to Pocatello. several Prince of Wales. Angelo Papa, Trenton, N.J. Henry Moog Jr., Atlanta, Ga. The commander of the snail army urged: The water pollution is so bad, the Costa "Inchon, Inchon!" Rica. Robert Looney Jr., Brockton, Mass. James E. Miller, Shawano, Wise. That gabby broad, can't shutta her up. The little woman creates Dahomey at She callsa me on the phone, Eniwetok, mosphere. Eniwetok, Eniwetok. Nerrill Narkoe, Oakland, Calif. Dennis Lowden, Redondo Beach, Calif. Glenn Markoe, Berkeley, Calif. So Venice is Lennie's bar mitzvah? Don't Minsk words. S. Livingston, Hollywood, Calif. C. Ford Peatross, Chapel Hill, N.C. Did you praise last night's opening, or You failed Italian composition because I did Japan it? didn't lika U.S.A. Philip Luttinger, White Plains, N.Y. J. Backe, Chicago, III. If you kick that rock, you'll Krakatoa. Sahib, me drop your photo bag on rock. Rod MacGregor, Winnipeg, Can. Me look inside, Cameroon. Male chauvinist pig! Yugoslav over the wsmi Lawrence Lalik, Garfield, N.J. stove all day and see how you like it! Readers are urged to submit new con That guy is always hanging around the David Boles, East Lansing, Mich. tests. Depending on the return, this space pagoda; he's a real Budapest. I'd like to do this for a living; do you will be filled for the next 12 years with Dale Martin, Baltimore, Md. know where I could get a Punjab? challenging, amusing tests of mental agil The winner gets $15,000 Andalusia Douglas P. Elliott, Anaheim, Calif. ity, or with truss ads. Winners will 1) $7,500. have their name featured prominently Briinhilde Rodilitz, Anaheim, Calif. over their contest in one of the many You look unhappy. What's Sumatra? handsome typefaces currently used in Douglas Elliott, Anaheim, Calif. Note to previous winners: If you have major magazines 2) have an unparal You've written some good songs, but this failed to receive your prize, please send leled opportunity to win their own con Tunisia best yet. us a postcard with your name, address test 3) receive their choice of any three Mike Whittington, Bridge City, Tex. and winning entry. Our computer has books from the perennial Book Bargains Yeth, I boughth my date a Carthage for you listed but has taken a disliking to ad and a 2-year subscription to the the prom. you. National Lampoon. Hot puppies.

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. other members of the group are rumored to be pushing for his exit. A hint of pos- 'sible action came when manager Hank Kissinger sent out some PR handouts listing, besides Mick, "Sweet-talkin' Bill Rogers, the gospel sound of Billy Gra ham, John Mitchell on the wiretap, and Mel Laird on bombs." No Spiggy. On the bright side, Sgt. Chotiner's German- American Bund seems to be holding to gether, as are Gerry Ford and the Con tributions, Mendel Rivers and the Legal ly Dead, and Martha and the Tele phones.

Fragmentary reports have been received from Provo, Utah, of the deaths of 8,000 sheep, the third batch to die mysteriously in the region since the nerve gas accident Almost lost in the news recently was a 2. Receive real, radical-guerilla train at Dugway Proving Grounds in 1969. very significant report from Haiti, Door ing, just like Che. Preliminary investigations have nar knob of Democracy in the Caribbean, 3. Sport kooky Hare Krishna hair rowed the cause of death of the rumi where Jean-Claude Duvalier, son of styles. nants to one of five causes: DDT-im- Haiti's President, "Papa Doc" Duvalier, 4. Enjoy communal living. pregnated grass, mercury-tainted water won election as his father's successor by 5. Eat weird food. supplies, lingering pockets of toxic nerve an impressive 2,143,296-vote margin. 6. Dig your way closer to the earth, gas, residual radiation from the faulty By stressing gut issues, like life or death, with tools right out of the Whole underground nuclear test of last Decem and running hard on a platform that Earth Catalog. ber in neighboring Nevada, and old age. promised more meaningless violence in 7. Feel part of something larger than William Ruckelshaus, head of the the life of the average Haitian, Jean- yourself. newly-created Environmental Protection Claude managed to hold the vote for the 8. Participate in encounter-type train Agency,.flew to Utah earlier this week opposition down to a modest 0. ing led by experienced teachers; play and later issued a statement on the sheep His opponent, whose name was in sensitivity games like Run Around fatalities which read in part: "While it is advertently left off the ballot in a last- in Circles, Crawl Through the Mud, too early to pin the deaths on any one minute printing mix-up, waged a low- and Drop Dead. cause, it is apparent that these quadru key campaign from an unmarked grave 9. Isolate yourself from the plastic, peds were in fact advanced in years. in the cellar of the presidential palace. consumer society. Pick your retreat: Many of them used corrective lenses for Jean-Claude, who is affectionately re Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Ala close grazing and they all showed the ferred to as "Baskethead" by the care bama, you name it. tell-tale white hair of the senile animal." free Haitian people, became a familiar 10. Take advantage of an opportunity sight in Haiti during the campaign, to study the legendary wisdom of the handing out bullet holes in the color Orient firsthand. A preliminary breakdown of the planned ful marketplace and delivering fiery Don't wait. Enlist today! Tomorrow the expenditures and directions for the Can speeches in his characteristic machine- I Ching may not be favorable. cer Cure National Goal has become gun-like style in the countryside. Early available: surveys showed the dynamic young poli Following the breakup of the Beatles, 1. $100 million for an intensive search tician ahead by a healthy margin, and several other well-known groups are of the Laotian hills for the fabled the Port-au-Prince TV station was able rumored to be calling it quits. The mem Cosvin root, legendary cure-all of the to name a winner only three months be bers of the Supreme Court, apparently ancient Meo medicine men. fore the polls closed. still annoyed over Justice Willy-0 Doug 2. $550 million for the construction of Jean-Claude, whose hobbies included las's marriage to a nymphet, are reported highways to speed the eventual cure tennis, voodoo and pulling wings off to be on their way to a big split, with two to sufferers throughout the country. flies, will succeed his father upon the Supremes, Harry Blackmun and Warren 3. $250 million for development of giant latters death and will hold office for the Burger, a likely bet to join Ed Hoover's supersonic aircraft nYuch like the con usual life term. Mothers of Investigation. The Joint troversial SST, to test the widely held Chiefs of Staff, still smarting from the theory that loud noises, so useful in The U.S. Army, which recently bought $3 ugly Mylai incident that marred their the cure of hiccups, may also prove million worth of TV time as part of its Asian tour, are also said to be ready to effective in curing cancer. campaign to make itself more attractive call it quits. In the Big Band world, still 4. $750 million for a series of nuclear to young Americans — a process roughly no word from Larry O'Brien's Demo blasts in Nevada designed to examine akin to the Blob's putting on eye shadow cratic Party, but the loss of country-and- the feasibility of providing every — has not surprisingly overlooked the western star Big John Connally and American with a preventive dose of entire art of selling. A telephone call to southern blues artist Harry Byrd has cobalt, the miraculous substance used Frank 'An Amana in Every Igloo" hurt, and down east jug band master in hospitals to treat cancer. Shakespeare (you remember, the nice Eddy Muskie will have a hard time hold 5. $50 million, to be spent during a man who sold you that four-year supply ing the troubled gig together in the wake temporary halt in all interference of New Miracle Nixon, the stuff that of a spectacular tumble from the top of with plants and factories dumping leaves a sludgy brown ring and makes the charts in '68. Mick Nixon's Big mercury, lead, DDT and other con the cat throw up) would have brought White looks solid from the outside, but taminants into rivers, to determine real talent to bear on the problem: word has it that Spiggy Agnew's switch why it is that inhabitants of areas with Get To Where the Greening Is! from a heavy S&M bag to a Lovin' affected drinking supplies seem to be 1. Wear stylish Army surplus gear. Spoonful sound hasn't made it. The less prone to death from cancer. •

\0^ 0»^

SPECIAL GIFT FOR 2 AND 3 YEAR SUBSCRIBERS That's right this best-selling $4.98 LP record will be sent FREE to anyone who subscribes to the National Lampoon for two or three years! Orson Welles: The Begatting of the President Hear Orson Welles narrate the coming of Ho ho. Fill out the blank below and enclose the prophet Nixon in this stirring, satirical Old your check for a two-year or three-year sub Testament to Tricky Dick's unfortunate Second scription, and we'll rush this handsome, black Coming. plastoid record right back to you! The National Lampoon rarely stoops to de Reminder: We have only a limited supply of grading premiums to get subscriptions, but these albums, so ACT NOW. These records this timely and memorable LP is remarkable also make attractive lazy Susans and festive enough for us to make a rare exception. pizza trays. fill out and mail to

J The National Lampoon, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022 ' l Yes, 1 want a subscription to the National Lampoon plus my free | | Orson Welles album, The Begatting of the President. 1 enclose my check • money order • • Two-year subscription (24 issues)—$10.50 (you save' $7.50)

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It is written that, in the future, all of mankind's desires will become realities. It is written here only, though.

Man will stop crapping around with the environment and the environment will have a shot at him — as this scene in the Chicago Loop will testify. (continued) Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 19 (continued)

Poverty will be forbidden, and we'll all have to be rich. Sex, race and degree of religious fervor will no longer be a factor in job qualification. Any and all kinds of sex will be allowed between consenting adults and anything that won't fight back. Labor disputes will disappear, and itinerant farm labor will become a hobby. Television will insult everyone's ignorance. Everybody will attend only big-name schools to learn how to do their own thing even if it's somebody else's.

p^SSCT little 1 HARVARP I khm\\vFm£ [ra ii--i n-wrwMiiiin. -i v.i r^

Poets and Dreamers will space themselves further out. Sadists and Masochists will make each other's heaven.

Ll CAPRICE NATIONAL

/ CONNUBIAL BLISS, 1971

Husband {with notable timidity) : M-MY DEAREST, COULD YOU MIND LITTLE PERCY THIS EVENING SO THAT I MIGHT TRADE SOME RECIPES WITH THE FELLOWS AT THE CLUB?

Typically modern wife {patiently, but firmly) : NO, BERTIE, TONIGHT I WILL BE MUCH TOO OCCUPIED,SMOKING TOBACCO, GOING OUT UNESCORTED UNTIL ALL HOURS, AND WRONG-HEADEDLY DISCUSSING POLITICS WITH THE OTHER GIRLS TO EVEN CONSIDER IT. {This matter is settled.) j>W>"\apoloi'|i« to Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 4 BUFFALO Curative Water "Hippocrates in a Bottle" The International Journal of Medicinal Nostrums says: "In treat ment of melancholic palsy there is no more salutary remedy than ample MODEL H dosages of BUFFALO CURATIVE WATER administered daily to "Don't be Tearsome, "New for 1906' a bodily orifice of the afflicted patient." Dr. Cosmo Nettleton. Drive MacPherson!" Not only does BUFFALO CURATIVE WATER act as a uni versal solvent, but it has the additional regenerative powers long associ ated with the "Buffalo Medicine Men" of the Zuni tribe and is rich in The MacPherson the life-giving alkaline Lithates. Patients should be encouraged to take from two to eight quarts after every meal and before bowel movements, and bathe in this miraculous panacea at least once a month. "ALSO A UNIVERSAL PHYSIC FOR GOUT, RHEUMA TISM, VAPORS, UREMIA, PYORRHEA, STATHEOPEA, AEGEMA, ADVANCED CANCERS OF THE LIP, THROAT, BREAST AND COMMON SCHIZOPHRENIA. ITS ACTION IS PROMPT AND LASTING." Dr. C. Nettleton. The evidence is indisputable that the DISINTEGRATING nature of BUFFALO CURATIVE WATER has remarkable SOL . .. the motorcar of tomorrow VENT and RETRIBUTIVE powers far superior to other "cure-alls" and false remedies proffered by unscrupulous and rascally quacks. TODAY Voluminous medical testimony on request. Please enclose 75tf for handling and shipping. Automobilists across the nation agree: The NETTLETON SALES, INC. MacPherson SILVER ALBATROSS DE Buffalo, New York LUXE is the final word in consummate motor ing. No other Gasolene Car, now or 50 years hence, will provide comparable safe, reliable service. This is not mere assertion. The en gineering perfection lavished upon every Mac Pherson rolling out of the shop can be readily examined through the ease and simplicity with which this finely crafted vehicle may be started and operated. Compare, for example, the effort less method of starting a SILVER ALBA TROSS DELUXE with any and all competi ! tors! To activate, simply: (1) Unseat crank shaft lever to cranking position (2) bring permanently soldered magneto flush with throt tle-valved carburetor nodule (3) open gas and spark levers conveniently located at steering "If I were a man, I would faithfully smoke\ wheel (4) engage cone-type clutch with ample PHARAOH CIGAR-ETTES." leather face to individually belted sprocket —declaims world-acclaimed actress drums (5) prime lubricator (6) rotate centri Mme. SARAH BERNHARDT fugal governor (7) engage chrome-nickel trans mission jack shaft (8) close spark lever (9) balance valve gasket feed-flow (10) spin ball The true Oriental delicacy of PHARAOH CIG AR-ETTES is impossible to imitate, and makes bearing-supported flywheel with free hand or them the favorite of connoisseurs of the Exotic. foot.. . and you're off! Made-in-America prices place them within the reach of all. Mme. Bernhardt strongly rec LIST OF DEALERS ommends buying in tins of 50 and 100. Bangor, Maine: Ephram MacPherson PHARAOH CIGAR-ETTE COMPANY Dayton, Ohio: Elbert MacPherson Springfield, Illinois Seattle, Washington: Joshua MacPherson "Smoked in all leading foreign capitols, exotic resorts and swank embassies." "Spanning the Nation from Coast to Coast" C Per 25 Package

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Our Own 'Horror-Scope' of the start of his new novel, The Trill of Coming Events the Pantywaist. 'What fools these mortals be!" OL. WILLIAM MCCAULEY, fear — Shakespeare C less leader of Teddy's Philippines Expeditionary Force, testifies his slaughter of 600 defenseless Moro men, women PTON SINCLAIR, the well-known and children was "only following orders." U muckraking author of The Jungle, Teddy heartlessly demotes him to waiter begins work on his new tome, The Congo, at the officer's club for an entire fort being an expose of how unsuspecting night. Hottentots are unwittingly eating tainted missionaries. ILLIAM H. TAFT refuses an extra w helping of potatoes! EDDY ROOSEVELT finally finishes Cunning Canines #57 This big ditch in Panama, and as the waters are joined, the entire Pacific drains ARAH BERNHARDT bending over "WOOF WOOF" into the Atlantic, leaving all his little in the middle of a performance, S "WHO'S THERE?" gunboats dry-docked in the Philippines. accidentally splits her tights and exposes her derriere to the galleries. A rowdy "BOWSER." from the seats calls out, "A stitch in time "BOWSER WHO?" ACK LONDON, the famous he-man saves nine! — Ben Franklin," to which "BOW, SIR, THE KING'S DOG HAS JUST J author of The Call of the Wild, loses nimblewitted Mme. Bernhardt rejoins, a portion of his anatomy to a hungry "There is a divinity which shapes our BROKEN WIND." wolf. Mr. London immediately announces ends — William Shakespeare!"

Injudicious fiance: I ENTREAT YOU, AGATHA, TO RECON Agatha: (an unabashed "New Woman") THAT'S EXACT SIDER YOUR REFUSAL TO SPARK WITH ME BEFORE OUR LY THE DIFFICULTY, MY SWEET. I HAVE ALREADY "TRIED FORTHCOMING MARRIAGE. WOULD YOU EXPECT ME TO ON" SO MANY THAT I AM AFFLICTED WITH FLAT FEET. PURCHASE A PAIR OF SHOES WITHOUT TRYING THEM ON FIRST? 25 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Literary Colossi 18

A CHRISTMAS DINNER within the vicinity of the Sprockett kitchen. A chorus of voices sang as each new joint or haunch was uncov by CH-RL-S D-CK-NS ered amidst the carnage, the glad spirits of this day Ouch a meal! The Sprocketts all agreed that, despite rattling the windowpanes with laughter and ricochet their lifelong experience with unrelenting gluttony, the ing bits of hoof, tooth and splintered fork. prodigious mounds of smoking, cauterized flesh heaped But hark! A rapping at the door! Has Squab already before them presented the most awesome challenge attempted to cash Bob Sprockett's cheque? The door the poor but penurious band of ruffians had ever seen, swung open and lo! There stood none other than Ebe- a sentiment grudgingly endorsed by Squab the butcher, nezer Ooze, Sprockett's flinthearted employer, his arms whose weighty thumb would be obliged to toil at a laden with sweetmeats, goodies and a brightly coloured double rate to recover his losses suffered that glorious toy crutch. day at the jaws and bottomless gullets of this merry "Merry Christmas, Sprockets all!" the old man cried. band of deadbeats. "I've brought gifts for all. Now hustle up little Tiny To begin, there was roast sheep. Never had there Toad before these bloody geegaws give me a hernia!" been such a sheep! A sheep that had been so enthusias Search as they might, the Sprocketts could find tically flung into the Sprockett's coal furnace and so nought of the little lad, save a pair of gnawed breeches quickly withdrawn from the crackling fire, that little strewn carelessly among a pile of empty cherrystones, Tiny Toad's initial yelps of joy were stifled by hanks which confirmed their worst fears. of smoldering wool as he essayed to beat the still quiv And oh, how the family glowed with happiness, ering carcass into submission with his affecting little despite the troublesome fact that Tiny Toad had been crutch. mistakenly eaten, when, from within their very selves, And the broiled goat! And the whole boar! And the they heard the ghost of a voice, gaily peeping, "God braised Bedlington terrier foolishly left unguarded damn you, every one!"

^X^

Mr. Wottabore: {ingratiatingly) IF YOUR WIDOWED MUMMY ALLOWS ME TO BECOME YOUR NEW FATHER, I'LL BUY YOU A BRAND NEW GET-UP!

Precocious child: YOU MUST BE JOKING. MUMMY SAYS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN GET UP IS YOUR MOUSTACHE! (This alliance is doomed.) 26 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. modern proliferating pestilence, the A feminine craze for expensive bon nets, descends upon all New Yorkers just before every Easter Parade when the ladies insist on making a grand sartorial Fifth Avenue spectacle at the risk of their husbands' finances. Would it not be a lesson to these silly females if red-blooded husbands coerced them to wear instead hats made from the two-dollar bills an equivalent chapeau would cost? When the added burden began to make telling demands on their strength, our wives would be forced to concede these costly geegaws are indeed a "pain in the neck." This Foolish World Cunning Canines #58 n the four years since the founding of FARMER JONES: Hullo, there, Zeke. "WOOF WOOF" I the American Automobile Associa What do you have there? "WHO'S THERE?" tion (a rascally band of freewheeling FARMHAND {closely inspecting the "FIDO." hooligans whose sole intent is to bedevil posterior of a protesting chicken) : The "FIDO WHO?" the citizenry with noisome, smokebelch- bird's eye phew. ing contraptions), we have stood idly by " 'FI DON'T GET TAKEN OUT FOR A WALK as our thoroughfares have become a Gol SOON, I'M GOING TO DO IT RIGHT gotha for untold unwary pedestrians and t's no longer the duma in Russia. Now innumerable schnauzers, borzois and ter I they call it the Skidooma. HERE ON THE RUG." riers. In the past year, three Americans have been slain and more than a score injured grievously at the ravenous grill- works of these skylarking homicides. he Cleveland Leader reports that a PAT: {upon seeing Mike with a potato Tcheeky gentleman oi the colored per in his ear) : Begorrey, Mike, ye've got a It is little wonder, then, that the suasion recently demanded admittance to 'tater in yer ayer! A.A.A. has recently been confronted with the local Democratic Club because the MIKE: Oi din belave Oi understand ye, a rival constituency called the E.E.E., or constituency it represents is largely popu Pat, me boy. Establishment of Equine Enthusiasts. lated by our dusky friends. We applaud PAT: Oi said ye've got a 'tater in yer Reasoning that motorcar operators are this novel idea, and suggest that this ayer! not the coarse-grained assassins they ap individual's demand for a minimum MIKE: Ye'li have t'spake louder, Pat, Oi pear to be but merely unfortunate in "quota" of members roughly describing dividuals much disturbed by the lack of can't hare nothin' with this 'tater in me the district's racial population may have equine companionship and its many ayer. balms, the E.E.E. has proclaimed a com amusing and diverting ramifications. pelling campaign to restore these de Should not 11% of the membership of ranged junk jockeys to a balanced frame the swells at the Knickerbocker Club be of mind. In order to effect this, the E.E.E. replaced with an equal number of well- KING OF THE CANNIBALS {to beau states that it will "undertake to modify heeled blackamoors? And let us not omit tiful young missionary) : Mumbo jumbo these nuisance-causing machines to a Paddy, Mario and Mr. Chinaman while booga booga rub dub! more congenial, horse-like nature." The we're about it. And, it only seems fair, BEAUTIFUL MISSIONARY: Gracious, four steps, the E.E.E. further states, which should not a proportionate number of what did he say? will make automobiles more "horse-like" Caucasians switch positions and learn the INTERPRETER: He say he will not eat include (1) giving auto tires "the friend Secret Arts of the shoeshine parlor, the beautiful missionary lady because she ly clip-clop of horseshoes" by means of stable and the scullery? It might convince bring curse to his land. inserting metal spikes (2) "feeding" the our 80,000,000 citizens to go back to BEAUTIFUL MISSIONARY: Well, tell machines oats in their radiators (3) their respective homelands and leave this him to try me Wednesday if he insists "treating" their gasolene tanks to sugar addled soil to the degenerate Redskin. on being so finicky. lumps, and (4) secretly putting card board "blinders" over the headlights of nocturnal motorists. To duplicate the MOMMA GOLDBERG {upon being horse-like perfumery long associated with startled by her son Izzy who appears genteel travel, the E.E.E. also suggests at the door bedecked in blackface and stuffing your annoying neighbor's exhaust lionskin, carrying a spear in his hand and with "road-apples." a bone through his nose) : Ach, mein son! Vhat is you doing, already? IZZY: But momma, by me I'm only making a big success like you always told me. MOMMA GOLDBERG: Nein, you me- shuginah! I said be a rich doctor, not a Gentlemen: vitch doctor! It is with extreme disaffection that I am moved to fault your puerile satiric monthly for the ill-advised and indelicate he ceaseless prating and caterwauling caricature you published in your April Tof these bothersome "New Women" "White Man's Burden" number. I fail to reached a new height of absurdity when understand why such a vulgar and ex Mrs. Edgerton recently stated at a St. plicitly unwholesome illustration should Louis Suffragette rally that "men cannot be permitted wide circulation, nor do I appreciate the plight of modern women find amusing the abhorrent act you por no more than they can understand the tray the President committing over the rigors and pain of. childbirth." This may caption "Speak softly and carry a big be so, but we suspect that no female has stick." a ready equivalent, either, for a vigorous Your unpleasant drawing not only dis kick in the pills. parages our Nation's foreign policies, commonly agreed to be the most enlight ened in the world, but it offers a danger CHAPERON {holding ruler between ous occasion of impure thought and deed two young closely embracing waltzers) : to children of impressionable years. The Now, now, six inches! sin of Onan, like the highest office in the DEBUTANTE {lowering her eyes imp land, should not be taken lightly. ishly to her partner's lower quarters) : Mrs. Bertram Rutlidge Mercy, it looks more like nine or ten to Newport, Rhode Island "DOING IT FROM BEHIND"

HUCKLEBERRY FUDD on account of Mr. Tw-n says it aint commercial, but he sure talks powerful strange. A passel of them liter by M-RK TW--N ary critical fellers say Leroi's a racial stereopticon, but I think what it is is that he just ain't got much upstairs. I ou don't know about me, without you have bought Between the ears, I mean. Stupid, if you follow what a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Saw- I'm saying. But Mr. Tw-n says the way he talks has buck, which is how much you'll have to fork over to done sold books ever since Mr. Lincoln laughed his fool Mr. Tw--n if you want to know what's what up to head off at that Mr. Artemas Ward hogwash. where I'm talking now. Mr. Tw-n ain't no slouch at It still makes things difficult, though. For example, selling, if you get my meaning. , me an Leroi are lying low on the raft when I realizes Now, where we are right now is that Widow Crab- we are bout as lost as any two people can be in a book grass's slave Leroi an' me has lit out on this here raft. that's still going to have a happy ending. We didn't take nothing but what we needed for the "Hey, Leroi," I says, "you have any idea where we trip down the Mississippi cept some fatback, a jug of are around here?" turnip squeezings and a hogshead of hogs' heads. We'd "Well," Leroi says, "wunce ah wuz gwyne down of made right fine time, too, if Mr. Tw--n hadn't made heah wit Mars Jawge en Miss Tawbah wen dat fambly me stop every mile or so and scratch all this down and dun foun it out dat I's jis run'd off an den de gol' wuz mail it to his publisher. Mr. Tw-n promised me a los' dat dey wuz gwyne a' git 'bout haf en gouah mo' fishhook for every colorful adventure, so's I got to keep fo' po' warn't, so's ah ketch dat ole catfish en nevah hopping. say dat man sho' kin dance fo' no' mo' po', ah reck'n." But it ain't as easy as it sounds. For one thing, this "Leroi," I whispers, feelin about him like I never here runaway slave Leroi acts an talks mighty peculiar. ever felt about nobody not even a white man before, I can't tell you what he does, when he think I'm asleep, "shut up."

mi I

"RASTUS, YOU SHIFTLESS ROGUE, HAVE YOU BEEN CADG ING MY CIGAR BUTTS AGAIN?" "NO SUH! WAH, AH JUS' GWINE 'BOUT DEY BIN PETICK- LAH AN' AH DOAN' WAN' NO MO' TENS AN' LEBBENS, CAWS AH DIN FLO' TAH WUBBAH." "WELL, THEN, THERE'LL BE NO LEFTOVER CHICKEN FOR YOU!" "YASSUM."

IN NEXT MONTH'S NUMBER Do not fail to purchase the next laughter-provoking number of this nationally acclaimed jocose periodi cal. It will certainly contain many squibs and oddments that will evoke unrestrained merriment. Jealous former husband: I WOULD CONGRATULATE YOU DON'T MISS THE SPECIAL ON YOUR RECENT MARRIAGE, SIR, BUT I AM MORE BURLESQUE OF AMERICA'S LEADING MOVED TO SYMPATHY THAT YOU ARE ONLY WEDDED TO MUCKRAKING MAGAZINE SECONDHAND GOODS. MCCLURE'S Also: Our Own "Horror-Scope" of New husband (smartly): DO NOT TROUBLE YOURSELF, Coming Events, Parodies and mirth SIR, FOR I FOUND MYSELF QUITE SATISFIED ONCE I GOT ful Travesties, Mrs. R—-v-lt's Diary PAST THE USED PORTIONS. and an additional store of Droll (The couple exits triumphantly) Caprice and Saucy Wit. 28

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. When a Poached Wort of Betelgeuse 4 has to go "dzii-dzii" Toilets of the or "gbou-gbou" he picks up a copy of Flogwort and heads for the nearest ammonia closet. If the Extraterrestrials Wort is in a room with other Worts, his exit is usually preceded by someone grasping an olfactory nodule and asking, "Who Due to the low gravity of their split the quartz?" home planet, the Hovering Slimies of Rigel 3 are forced to rely on suction-powered commodes with a Mach 6 flush. Toilet training is a college-level course, and consequently the Slimies' contact with their young seldom exceeds a The natural artistic bent of the collect visiphone call every inhabitants of the other week. Formalhaut system is reflected even in their plumbing. They use this particular device only for 43 "Number 7."

A typical space station lavatory for Medium Gravity, Oxygen-Breathing Basic Scale, Pedal-Motive, Alpha Gender (males, protomales

Tool

•F^ertfEErT

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. The Arched Tubers of Aldebaran, like most life forms based on silicone, have an extremely low metabolic rate and hence a slow digestive process. Once a year, an adult Tuber packs an overnight bag and makes his way to a "molybdenum convenience." If he finds it occupied when he arrives, he commits ritual suicide.

The fluorinal of the Beta Hydrians can be used by either Prime Right males or Tertiary Left females. This sanitary unit is the source of the common Hydrian expression, "I've run out of mushrooms," which means, roughly, IJ. find myself in an embarrassing predicament." If an Upper Globule from Epsilon Eridani 5 says, "I'm going to see a snardf about a floong," he's not being cute — he's referring to a household pet whose bizarre body chemistry provides a tidy solution to waste disposal problems.

iphrodites, parthenogenetics and aerial germinatorsjor, as it is jocularly referred to, "the little Medgavoxybasepedmotalphagen's Room.

H /

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. FINANCIAL NEWS Tuesday's closing Dow-Jones Industrial Av erages: 1,803.71, up 11.45. Metals: Gold 23.44 off .04; Silver 1.29 off .02. Complete financial news on Page 25. TDieJIemi VOL. CLIX . . JSo. 23,426 © The New York World Company. NEW YORK. WEDNESD NEW YORK A Noble Lady Pays a Last Call IN LEAD FOR 76 JUBILEE Bicentennial Committee Cites City's Legendary Courtesy, Cleanliness and Charm

Site To Be Named Soon Baltimore Still in Running; $2 Billion in U.S. Funds and Tourism at Stake

By JAMES BRESLIN WASHINGTON, May 11 — The president's committee on the bicentennial made public to day its next to final report, nar rowing the field of possible sites for the nation's 200th Anniver sary celebrations to two — Balti The R.M.S. "Lusitania" as she appeared today during a mammoth reception following her 2,182d more and New York City — and Atlantic crossing. Retired from active service in 1959, the "Lusitania," which weathered U-boats committing itself to a final de and hurricanes to become the most popular and successful passenger liner in history, managed to cision by June 15. survive an even worse fate when, in 1963, King Edward intervened personally to prevent her The 126-page report, which sale to a movie company that had wanted to sink her off the coast of Ireland to re-enact the was submitted to the President "Queen Mary" disaster. She was sold last fall to a group of Forida resort promoters and will yesterday, clearly favored New leave early next month for Ft. Lauderdale to be converted into a hotel-marina. Story on Page 42. York City as the site for the 1976 jubilee, and some observ ers felt that Baltimore was kept EDUCATORS WORRIED BY SPACE SHOT in the running only to assuage CONFORMITY OF YOUTH the feeling of Southerners who SET TO GO feel that their region has. been By ABE HOFFMAN slighted. Scientists Run Final Tests [In New York, Mayor Ab- OMAHA, Neb., May 11 — accepting • blindly the beliefs, As Rocket Is Readied zug refused to comment di The members of the American values and, in many cases, the For Tuesday's Launch rectly on the report but said Association of Educators, meet actual life-styles of their elders. she was on her way to Balti ing here in its annual conven "If youth is reluctant to ex By NORM MAILER more to "swear at some tour tion, have become involved in periment, to question and to ex ists and spit on the sidewalks." an acrimonious debate over their pand its horizons," Kirk con JULES VERNE SPACE Details on Page 10.] role in producing what many re tinued, "then it is we, youth's FLIGHT CENTER, KEY BIS- In a press conference immedi gard as an overly apathetic and teachers, who must accept the CAYNE, Fla., May 11 —The ately following the release of the conformist generation of Amer responsibility." six-day preparation for the panel's recommendations, the icans. The members of the A.A.E. launch early next week of the committee chairman, Mrs. Ada The idea that young people are almost evenly split between latest in the Polaris series of Louise Huxtable, the noted ar ought to display more independ traditional-minded teachers who orbital flights was started today. chitectural critic, characterized ence and commitment is hardly see nothing wrong in children If all goes well, the 112-foot- the study as "exhaustive in every a new one — it has been a favor emulating their parents and high rocket will lift astronauts respect," but conceded that "a ite topic for editorials, speeches more liberal-minded educators Charles Whitman and Richard certain amount of dissatisfac and sermons, for several years. who feel that the entire object Speck into orbit around the tion" was "inevitable." What is new is the notion that of education is being lost. earth at 10 A.M., E.S.T., on May 17. They will be the eighth educators are to blame for the The division, observers agree, and ninth men to have left the Question of Impartiality problem by failing to inspire stu is the most serious since the earth for space since Francis dents sufficiently in the class "Why Hans can read — and Gary Powers's historic flight on In response to a question room. Johnny can't" controversy of the November 22, 1963. about her impartiality, Mrs. That view received its most 1950's. Whitman and Speck are sched Huxtable, the only native New eloquent statement in the key The issue will come to a first Yorker on the committee, re uled to make 82 orbits of the note speech delivered to the con test tomorrow when the Asso plied: I don t mink anything I earth ::"•- - J!ttle cver four ^9* vention Copyrightby Dr. Grayso © 2007n NationalKirk, ciatio Lampoonn vote sInc. as a whole on a A „."v Jiroire Hiirinp the. mi«- LATE CITY EDITION Weather: Sunny and mild today and to morrow. Visibility: Unlimited. Temp, ranse: today 65-75; Thurs. 60-70. Full U.S. report ork World on Page 86. V, MAY 12. 1971 5 CENTS 4R vmmOUSE CUTS BUDGET; JD BACK SENA TE VOIDS VETO: 'FRENCH Isolation in Great War CONGRESS ADJOURNS till a Bitter Memory PRESIDENT ANGERED ifter Half a Century May Call Congress PETER SALINGER Back for Session .SHINGTON, May 11 This Summer it 51 years to the day that st gun fell silent in Eu- WASHINGTON, May 11 — ;he government of Premier The Democrat-dominated 92d es-France today quietly re- Congress dealt President Her he last installment of the bert Hoover Jr., two separate, owed by France to the but not unconnected, legislative i States. defeats early this evening as a short and deliberately it rushed to complete pending ed ceremony to which business to permit adjournment nen were not invited, the for the summer on schedule. h Ambassador to the The larger of the two setbacks M. J.-J. Servan-Schreiber, came when the House voted, h'a transfer order for 255-170, to cut more than $3 h gold holdings at the Sub- billion from President Hoover's iry in New York City and "minirrMm" budget of $63 bil d it to the Treasurer of lion for che 1972 fiscal year. Fnited States, Miss Helen Some house trimming had gan Douglas. been expected, but the extent of j sum, 130 million francs, the reduction apparently caught $25 million, represented everyone by surprise. House Scene on the floor of House after Speaker adjourned chamber quidation of the last of a at 6:23 P.M. yesterday. Senate adjourned 10 minutes later. Majority Leader Representative of 50-year notes issued Paul O'Dwyer, Democrat of ance shortly after the war New York, called the action "a )ver purchases of arms tremendous victory." the U.S. during the final Cost of Living On the other side of the aisle, Is of the conflict, Declines Again PACKARD Representative Nelson Rocke ision to Play Down Event feller, Republican of New York, ie decision to play down the In 1st Quarter accused the Democrats of pull rtance of the event was RECALLS ing "a grandstand political play : in the -White House, ac- By JOHN GALBRAITH at the expense of sound govern ng to reliable sources. It ment" and of "holding open the ipparently felt that the less The cost of living index re NEW CARS door to fiscal disaster for the tion given to what, even corded a sizable drop in the first House to walk through." three months of 1971, the De 50 years, is still a delicate Minor Flaw in Engine Given Senate Action Expected , the better for all con- partment of the Treasury an As Reason for Callback of Meanwhile, the Senate, as ex id. nounced today. 22,000 New Automobiles pected, overrode the President's ere still lingers some bitter- It was the fifth straight quar veto of the Cooper-Church Tax in France that the U.S. did terly reporting period in which By RALPH NADER Cut Bill, 71-27. Administration ntervene on the side of the the overall cost of goods and officials had held out little hope s during the War, and in services had shown a decrease of GRAND RAPIDS, Mich., that the veto would be sustained. parts of France it is as 1 per cent or more. The figures, May 11 — The Packard Motor 'isable to admit to being an which are compiled from infor Company announced today that The Senate action clears the rican as it is to let it be mation regularly obtained by the it was recalling 22,000 of its way for an immediate reduction 'n that one is a Yankee in Treasury Department, registered modestly priced Privateers for in the ceiling on personal in ama. particularly large decreases in correction of a "minor defect" come tax rates to 25 per cent, the cost of housing and medical ie choice of M. Servan- in the cars' engines. reduces capital gains taxes to care, with food prices remaining :iber to represent France in Packard officials emphasized 10 per cent and removes from steady transaction was seen by •hat the flaw posed "no safety the tax rolls entirely families fin Washington, the WhitCopyrighte risk" ©an 2007d tha tNational the deficienc Lampoony was Inc.and individuals witii incomes be- vention oy ur. (jrayson KirK, ciation votes as a whole on a could do would lose me any and six hours. During the mis president of Columbia Univer resolution introduced by a group enemies up there or make me sion, the astronauts are slated sity. In the course of his address, of liberal members headed by any friends." The remark drew to perform a wide variety of Dr. Kirk observed that "too R. W. Simonds, Dean of Kent maneuvers in preparation for laughter. often young men and women State University. The resolution more complex flights later in the Mrs. Huxtable was referring leave high schools and collegesi Continued on Page 19, Column 5 Polaris program, including an to a vacate order served March attempted rendezvous and dock 28 on the owners of the Pan ing between two spacecraft early American Building located on next year. New York's Park Avenue. The Painting by Austrian order, which precedes a demoli The flight plan calls for the tion permit, is the latest in a spacecraft to land in the Pacific, series of such actions growing Sold for $122,000 just east of Guadalcanal, a small coral islands in the Marianas, at out of Huxtable v. Howard 2:26 P.M.,E.S.T. on Saturday, Johnson Co., the landmark suit By JACK POLLOCK anil May 20. One of the recovery won by Mrs. Huxtable in the LONDON, May 11 — An Rhine Maidens—dominates the that ships, the U.S.S. Reuben James, Supreme Court in 1965. enormous painting by the rela German Parliament Chamber at on p is already on station in the re The case established a "gen tively obscure Austrian realist, Weimar. oblij covery area. It will be joined eral property right in public Adolph Schicklgruber, brought Schicklgruber, who has been cele. there tomorrow by the aircraft A vistas" and permitted citizens to one of the highest prices on rec called "the father of brutalism," carrier Wasp. bring class action suits against ord for a work by a modern was a founder of the New Real near War private builders and local gov artist in an auction at Southeby's ism movement in the Thirties. Other ships and planes will Brit; ernments who "significantly de Gallery today. He painted relatively few works be patrolling at specified points owe value or damage aesthetic rights The purchaser was not identi — less than 70 in all — and only along the entire flight route in Continued on Page 16, Column 8 •Conl of way, urban or rural." fied, but he is reliably reported about two dozen, including some The decision, which was made to be Huntington Hartford, the early portraits and architectural retroactive to 1960, gave local A&P heir and noted collector. sketches, hang in museums. The courts the power to assess treble Trie 55' x 22' painting — en remainder are in the hands of Nikolai L damages and issue demolition titled Gotterddmmerung — is private collectors, for the most orders and has resulted in the considered Schicklgruberjs mas part in Switzerland and South Noted Russian Philosopher removal of 16,431 structures to terpiece. It was to have been America. Was Father of Ill-Fated date, including, in New York part of a series of 50 studies on Kenny Clark, the chief auc Bolshevik Revolution City alone, three skyscrapers Wagnerian themes, of which tioneer at Southeby's, admitted over 40 stories (the Pan Am only seven were completed be to some surprise at the level of NEW YORK, May 11—Niko Building is the fourth) and 32 fore the artist's death in 1951. the bidding. "It was quite a lai Lenin, the onetime Russian Continued on Page 10, Column 1 Another in the series — The IContinued on Page 14, Column 3 revolutionary who led the un successful Bolshevik uprising in October, 1917, died early this Palestine: Switzerland of the Mideastmornin g at Mt. Sinai Hospital, apparently of heart failure. Mr. The following is the sixth in But today, after 4,000 years ing a share in the running of a series of eight articles on na of conflict, Palestine is as the government based on pop Lenin had been hospitalized tions which after 50 years have peaceful as another country ulation, productivity and his since 1965. still refused League member whose location once made it a A group of American Com ship. Tomorrow will appear torical interests, figured ac "LatLithEst: Benelux of the perpetual battlefield—Switzer cording to a bewilderingly munist Party members, most of Ni Baltic," and on Friday the land. complex formula which even them in their 60's and 70's, were ah series will conclude with "Ja Palestine's chief exports are illiterate Bedouins seem to un with Lenin at his death and have pan: Fruits of a Century of

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. risk" and that the deficiency was ; diplomatic observers as a [In Washington, the White low $6,000. House responded to reports confined to the relatively small lerate snub. He is the au- Loss of revenue caused by of When France Stood that U.S. Steel is contemplating number of automobiles in the the Tax Cut Bill had been one \e, a history of the war price cuts on a broad range single model involved. of the major arguments cited ply critical of American iso- of structural steels by issuing The recall order was a sharp by House Democratic leaders n, the British reluctance to a strongly worded statement disappointment for Packard. for cutting the President's bud mit ground forces in France warning major producers not Early reports had indicated that get. However, despite bipartisan the Treaty of Strasbourg, to "fire the opening gun in a sales of the small car, which sponsorship, both the Tax Cut it was a snub, no one in destructive price war." Details costs about $1,400, were run Bill and the budgetary cutback liington seemed to care. The on Page 25.] ning well ahead of the records drive enjoyed predominantly of the repayment of the Economists have expressed set by Ford's phenomenally Democratic support, and prior to has long since ceased to be growing concern over the defla popular Edsel in 1957. mportant one in the U.S., tionary trend in recent months, the House vote, the White House The source of the defect was issued an unusually direct state most commentators agree and although they do not agree an improperly seated coil in but for France's insistence on the remedy, they are in ac ment attacking the Democrats some of the vehicles' electric in both chambers for engaging aying back every penny, the cord on the need to reverse the start-up motors. The battery mo ;ation would have been can- downward price spiral. in "a conspiracy to defraud the tor, which powers the car while American people." I 30 years ago. There are other indicators of the main steam engine warms The statement also contained ; one time, France owed the level of business activity and up, and is in turn re-charged by what many regarded as a threat ly $4 billion. Other Great the movements of prices, but the steam plant, is a recent belligerents, including Great Continued on Page 9, Column 1 the cost of living index is still Packard innovation. iin, Russia -and Italy, still considered the most reliable and The system replaces the boil over $12 billion,but no one sensitive barometer of changes inued on Page 9, Column 6 er-heater found on most other [Continued on Page 31, Column 1 cars, thus saving the small DODGERS amount of propane involved in keeping steam up and avoiding enin Dead at 101the "hot hood problem," in WIN 12th which birds, animals and occa Bouton Takes Win from Score sionally derelicts are attracted to the warm front ends of cars In Extra Innings Play during cold weather, often leav By HOWARD COSELL ing unpleasant traces of their Continued on Page 17, Column 7 The Brooklyn Dodgers added another game to their early Typhoon Hits season winning-streak today, squeaking by the Boston Braves S. Asian Coast 6 to 5 in a 15-inning thriller at Ebbets Field. HANOI, Vietnam, May 11 It is the 12th straight win for (UPI) — The most destructive the New York team, making the typhoon in recent years swept Dodgers the longest undefeated through the Gulf of Tonkin to team in baseball history. The day and raged inland along the record was previously held by kolai Lenin addressing workers in St. Petersburg during the Vietnamese coast. According the St. Louis Pioneers, who re )rtive Bolshevik coup in October, 1917. to fragmentary reports which mained unbeaten for 11 games :nch by the duck pond, Russia, they sent him as far as reached here late this afternoon, in 1938. o all but the most casual Munich in a sealed train, fearing a half dozen coastal villages in Right from the start, things >erby, the oddly familiar fig- that he might start a revolution the southern part of the coun seemed to go well for the Dodg looking surprisingly dis- on the way. try, including the towns of My- ers. Their third man at bat, sec uished in an old-fashioned They held him there for a lai and Song May, were totally ond baseman Arnold Palmer, hit h cap, stood out instantly month in total secrecy in a destroyed. a 425-foot grand slam, giving the n among all the retired gen- drafty wine cellar, while the Ger Vietnam is a small Southeast Dodgers a one-run lead they len taking the air. Even in man Ambassador made one last, Asian country located on the held for almost the entire game. age, there was no mistaking vain attempt to convince Amer Asian mainland about 800 miles Neither team scored again in, the fiery radical who ica to come into the war on the due west of the Philippines. It is until the top of the third inning, le within an inch of estab- side of the Axis. And even after bordered on the the north by the when the Braves loaded the" ing the Communism of Karl Lenin caught pneumonia, they Chinese Republic and on the bases with a single off the bat rx in the largest country on guarded his bedside day and west by Loas and Cambodia. of Harry Agganis, a double hit h. night. Although Vietnam, Loas and by Art Ashe, and another single ind if the passerby knew his By the time Germany had Cambodia all depend on sea Continued on Page 67, Column 1 sian history, he might be given up hope of American in sonal storms that would be con pted to cross over to where tervention, word of his presence sidered severe by western stand NEWS INDEX in sat feeding the ducks, just had somehow leaked out, and ards for the rainfall they need Page Books 40-41 Moving lake sure that the old revolu- despite attempts by the German for rice cultivation, the area is Bridge 40 Pictures ....18-24 ary wasn't fomenting a class authorities to smuggle him into Business 26-27 Music 18-24 not normally a target of the Crossword 41 Obituaries 39 ggle in the animal kingdom, the train station, a crowd of more powerful, hurricane-like Editorials 42 Radiovision 87 Financial 25-37 Society 16 at one time, the power of 5,000 Germans gathered to typhoons characteristic of the Funnies 85 Sports 67 in's oratory was so respected cheer him. It was not the first League Theaters ....M8-24 Pacific. Proceedings .. 4 Transportation ..86 when, during the Great time Nikolai Lenin drew a The last major storm to strike Letters 42 Weather 86 crowd, and it was not to be the Mah-Jongg 40 Wireless 87 r, the Germans arranged his the tiny Asian country devas- Man in the Women's sage from Switzerland to Continued on Page 67, Column 1 Continucd on Page 26, Column 4 News 12 News 17

If someone should come up to you and ask, "Vor est da fleg- papa?". don't hit him. He's not questioning your ancestry—he's just asking you where the .fly paper is, in Esperanto. Like many Americans, you might think that the chances of running into anyone who speaks Esperanto are about as good as "trovan a needo dan a grastaka" (finding a needle in a haystack). But, in fact, the odds are pretty good and getting better every day. Esperanto is not generally taught in high schools or col leges: it has been rejected as an official League language at least a dozen times: it is spoken no where widely enough to make it useful to a tourist; and it is noted for no great literary works. And yet, Americans are learning it at the rate of 2,000 a month. Why? The answer, according to Pro fessor Billy Graham, President of the Esperanto Society of the United States, lies in Ameri cans' instinctive preference for simplicity, precision and effi ciency. "Esperanto is the only scientific language in existence," insists Professor Graham. The Esperanto Society, which takes its role of spreading the language quite seriously (it reg ularly uses such words as "con vert" and "gospel" in its litera ture), is the major beneficiary of the new interest in the lan guage. No one, not even Graham, expects Esperanto io be adopted overnight, but if the present trend continues, it may be only a matter of time before a major argument against it — that no one speaks it — will be dead. Physicist Says More Than One Earth Exists Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. ESDAY,MAY 12, 1971

PHILADELPHIA, May 11—| In a paper delivered before the American Academy of Sciences yesterday, Nobel-prize winning physicist Edward Dennison ad vanced the theory that more than one Earth could exist, for ever separated from the others by a slight time difference. According to Dennison, such "extra Earths" may be created every time a situation arises in which there is an exactly equal reason for something to happen or not happen. "There is mathematical evi dence," Dennison stated, "that in physics, when precisely op posing forces act at an identical time to make a single particle react, it is as possible that the object will fulfill both actions as it is that it will fulfill neither." Dennison believes that what is true of atoms may also be true of planets. Thus, for ex ample, if a bomb were exactly poised between exploding and not exploding, both possibili ties would happen, separated by a slight shift of time, and from that point on, the otherwise identical planets would pursue different courses. The theory, which Dennison advanced as a conceptual tool rather than as a serious prob ability, can never be proven; there would be no way of ever knowing that a divergence took place. "It has always worried me," Dennison concluded his address, "that in one of the pos sible worlds, some old friend of my father's would show up in Richmond in 1916 on an evening of considerable importance to me, and take him out drinking."

WHALE OF A SURPRISE LAGUNA BEACH, Cal., May 10 — Richard Nixon and his wife, Martha, got quite a surprise when they opened the back door of their beachfront house this morning. There, staring them in the eye, was a 200-ton blue whale. T he aquatic behemoth, which had apparently been washed ashore by a heavy wind during the night, was still alive, and according to the California pat ent attorney, it winked at him.

Upon glancing over this book, one is [Varicose Veins ((** struck by the colorful names for vein configurations, names such as: The Jellied Eel ". . . Yet, like the veins, which ornament The Chinese Tassle our legs, The Hampton Court Maze Foretell the reigns of kings and he who Chemin de Fer begs." The Trine of Saturn — William Shakespeare The Kiss of the Cross Timon of A thens The Anaconda The birth of venamancy, the science The Flaming Anaconda of divining the future from varicose The Veiled Blemish veins, is lost in the mists of antiquity. The Lesser Piller of Malkuth It was written that Assur-bani-pal, the The Blue Spider last great ruler of Assyria, executed a Solomon's Fork courier merely because he disliked what The Trail of the Drunken Hedgehog he saw in the man's legs. Deuteronomy, The Tarnished Garter Space does not permit a detailed explan Chapter xxxu, Verse 6, in the original Figure 2 Hebrew, tells us, "And God placed ation of venamancy, so these two docu marks and signs on the legs of the sons mented examples of actual leg readings Leg of a suicide by Princess Bolhower must suffice. Be of men that all men might know their "This is the leg of a suicide. Note that the works." Venamancy flourished during cause it is closest to the heart, only the Great River is broken just below the knee." the Roman Empire and practitioners left leg is read: counted among their numbers no less than Porcius the Elder. Then, in the Those interested may subscribe to the 16th century, the church imposed a newsletter by mailing $2.50 to Princess harsh ban on all methods of prophesy, Bolhower (The Illimitable One, The Vast ordering books about these so-called Countenance, The Hierodule of Stellar "Implements of the Devil" destroyed on Wisdom, The Concealed of the Con penalty of death. Consequently, many- cealed, The Author of All Being), 31-01 priceless manuscripts and rare tomes Dorado Lane, Sun City, Ariz. 86335. were put to the torch by mobs of zealots, Letters improperly addressed will be re as were many venamacists. Once the turned unopened to the sender. reign of terror had run its course, palmis try, astrology and even bletonism were revived. Venamancy, however, vanished for over 400 years. It was not until 1965, "Oh, wow! I mean like Death is just when Mrs. Lorainne Bolhower discov the flip side of Life!" says Joyce Ephram, ered a copy of Fra Valinni's De Revelate better known as "Taxi Flash," resident Ex Venis Investigandis in a Cadiz flea witch of the Blotted Past Commune of market that this ancient science came to Bethel, Vt. Taxi Flash has designed a light. With the help of Dr. Hugo Higgens new Tarot deck which she explains in a of Prairie View A & M College, she recent issue of Rags: translated the work and showed the re "I couldn't get off on those straight sults to her pinochle club in Del Webb's decks. They don't show what's going Sun City, Ariz. It caught on immed Figure 1 down. I just can't relate to those scepters iately. and globes and diadems and all that off- Mrs. Bolhower (or Princess Bolhower, Leg of Mrs. Inez Cardenas, age 56 the-wall crap. Like what the fuck is a as she prefers to be called, claiming "This is the leg of an elderly waitress who 'diadem,' anyway? I mean, who ever got Aztec ancestry) is a charming, blue- consulted me only last week. She has a dis busted by the Knight of Wands? So I haired lady in her late 60's. She heads tinct Slanted Salamander (a) on the thigh, got my head together and did a lot of the Brotherhood of Astral Essence, a which always indicates a life of diligence angel dust and came up with some really worldwide organization of nearly 3,000 and toil. Her tributaries (b) have a good relevant symbols. My four suits are members devoted to unlocking the mys tint, but the narrow watersheds (c & d) Pigs, Dope, Sex and Flowers. For ex could spell trouble in the near future. The teries of varicose veins. In addition to Sinistral Oxbow with secondary lines (e) ample, the Dope Court Cards are the her hobby of painting china, the Princess on the calf and the faint Chain of Tantalus Burn Artist, the Speed Freak, the Smol still finds time to edit Veins of Gold, a (f) at the tsie-tsri point of the meridien de dering Roach and the Obvious Stash. In monthly newsletter, and her book Your I'estomac would point to an absence of the Major Arcana, I put heavy stuff like Fate Is in Your Legs (Acolyte Press, dancing in the years to come. All in all, I the Crash Pad, the Weatherwoman, the Los Angeles, 1968) is already in its would caution this woman to guard against Rock Hype, the Hand-Held Camera and ninth printing. a marked tendancy to fall over." S. Clay Wilson." (continued) / Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Lr I^HilV-iWnmi -.• J.~,.»»^M^«.«M«. aMMrwm/im Taxi Flash, however, isn't quite cer Boltz stares fixedly into space and replies forthcoming during sleep. tain what her cards signify. As she puts repeatedly, "Skillery-Scallery Alligator!", A SCROD OMEN — A fish will point it, "Who knows what a reversed Organic the symbol of world domination. the way. Gardner means? Just thinking about it CRANE MOODS — You'll fly south for could really fuck your mind!" Alphabet Soup (fa* the winter. DAMN ROSE CO. — Avoid Canadian It has often been said that if a mon tea. key kept ladling out bowls of alphabet MA'S CONE ROD — Your mother will soup forever, he would write every great experience eye afflictions. book ever written. Most prognosticators DECOR MOANS — Your set design would add, "And every great fortune will be badly received. ever told" because telling fortunes with CAN MOOSE DR. — Fire a Saskatch alphabet soup is as -old as alphabets ewan veterinarian. themselves. In fact, each spring, the SOON A RED M.C. — You'll entertain Sumerians would toss ivory chips in the troops in Hanoi. scribed with cuneiform markings into a RACE MOON S.D. — You'll meet ceremonial stew to predict the fall har Vaughn Monroe in South Dakota. vest. CROON DAMES — You'll have One of the reasons for prophesy dealings with the McGuire sisters. through alphabet soup's long-standing COON DREAMS — Go to the popularity is simplicity. All one need do mountain. is obtain a can of alphabet soup (the MODERN COSA — Impending Campbell Soup Company of Camden, involvement with today's new Mafia. N.J., sells one commercially, causing COME ON SAD R — Either feign some wags to dub this the "Campbell's misery or an invitation to attend a Perhaps more unique is a Tarot deck Kabal", empty the contents into a sauce Jewish dinner. employed by retired barber N. Lester pan, add one can of water and heat. O CROME SAND — You'll write a Boltz of London, England. Guided by When the soup is ready to be served, poem to a Lake Erie beach. the "Seven Celestial Keys in conjunction pour into a bowl and kneel before it. Since none of these seemed to apply, I with the Twelve Active Principles, the Vigorously stir the soup counterclock was left more puzzled than when I be Ten Emanations and the Nine Rays of wise until you have created the Mesmer gan. Then, late that night, a dueling Influence," he hit upon a method of izing Vortex of Destiny. Then close your society threw a party and a few of the substituting Uncle Wiggily cards for the eyes and plunge a spoon into the swirling more besotted members defecated on the standard deck. With 46 cards in the soup. You'll suddenly feel imponderable steps of my hotel. The answer came to Minor Arcana, Mr. Boltz has included forces and invisible energies at work. me in a flash. What I should have spelled Nurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy, Dr. Possum, After two or three seconds, remove the out was 'SCAR MEN DOO'!" Mrs. Cluck Cluck, Noodle and Toodle spoon and open your eyes. If you have Nobody really knows how alphabet Flat-tail, Jimmie and Alice Wibble Wob held it properly, there should be letters soup forecasting works. Some say tidal ble, Aunt Lettie (the goat lady), Peetie in the spoon. Spread the letters out on a pull and others claim magnetism. But as Bow Wow and even the unpleasant piece of paper and arrange into words, for how well it works, consider the fa woozle bug. making sure you use all the letters. The mous case of Prince Michael Gorchakov As one might suppose, interpretation message you form will be your future. who, before the Battle of Oltenitza, of the Uncle Wiggily Deck differs from Needless to say, it may not be quite ordered a bowl of alphabet soup to be traditional meanings. Whereas a reversed brought to his tent. Following the time- Skeezix signifies only clouded joy, a so easy to detect the one true message from the countless false ones, as witness honored ritual, he received this message Bad Pipsisewah signifies duplicity, bale, — "WHITE FLOTILA", which, of remorse, glandular imbalance, obscur this account of an Amerian botany stu dent on vacation in Germany: course, is exactly what happened the ity, ziggurats, an illegible missive, a next day. • soiled kimono, explosions at the mill, "While visiting Heidelberg, I chanced laughter behind one's back, misinter- upon a can of alphabet soup and, eager ment, petri dishes, Woolsorter's Disease, to know what the next week held in flypaper, rubber sheets, trench warfare, store, I spooned out the letters "D," "M," Mexican divorce, impairment by pitch "E," "C," "A," "O," "S," "R," "O," and blende, abasement, decay, sodokosis, "N," which I arranged in the following worthless endearments, laudanum, lung- ways with interpretations: fish, cargo cults, trick cigars, ink eradi- MORE N. C. SODA — Non-caloric cola cator, ant farms, misplaced trust, signals is called for. through the flames, webbed legs, travail, SOD ROMANCE — An affair with an weevils in the tea, massing at the borders, Irishman looms large. fether-few, sweating dynamite, a paste S. C. DOOM NEAR — Beware disaster carbuncle, a punctured thumb, things in South Carolina. best forgotten, cheap emotions and A D.S.C. NO MORE — You'll be faded carpets. stripped of your medal. Mr. Boltz is appalled that the funda DO NO SCREAM — You'll be mugged mental occultism of Uncle Wiggily has by a Puerto Rican. been overlooked until now. "The fools!", SACRED MOON — Primative worship he is given to crying. "The Wiggily Myth beckons. spans the total spectrum of human ex CON SEM ROAD — Vietnamese perience! Fecundity! Rebirth! It was ambush threatens. there all the time and those fools could ROMAN DOSE C — There are 100 not see the power!" When asked as to cases of clap in Italy. how he plans to use this power, Mr. C DREAM SOON — Answer will be w$m&

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 49 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. City of the Future ^J The year 2,000 may seem like the far and distant future, but it is already on the drawing boards of today's city planners, a group distinguished by its fondness for crepe-soled shoes, slide rule tie clips and homes in the suburbs. These forward-thinking drafting school dropouts have published their visionary blueprints in every major magazine and newspaper, but sur prisingly little publicity has been, given to their federally-endorsed designs for the single most important part of every metropolitan area . . . the slum. Thus, the Bureau of Urban Devel opment has graciously supplied this artist's conception of what will be the world's first preplanned Inte grated Substandard Environmental Living Complex designed totally for the urban downtrodden. Some of the wonders in store for Mr. Slumdweller include sunset-enhancing supersonic astro-busses, lightning swift mono rails guided by practically foolproof computers of the same sort that occasionally bill individuals for calls to Alpha Centauri, and labor-saving remote controlled police ghetto- mobiles. Since commercial buildings will be consolidated into compact easy-to-barricade structural units, Mr. Slumdweller will no longer have to walk long, tiring blocks from blood bank to pawnshop and back to his cramped abandoned automobile. In the city of tomorrow, he can transact all his business at a single Welfare Mall and be back in his roomy abandoned gyro-car in a matter of minutes!

The most revolutionary aspect of the Integrated Substandard Environ mental Living Complex, however, is its totally prefabricated construction which allows the entire Complex to be unbolted and removed to another site in less than 6 hours to make way for future urban renewal projects.

50 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Johnson Remembers By Terry Catchpole now live as a recluse in Johnson City, Tex., site of my childhood I home. I speak only to those I can trust and who never deserted me. I am not lonely. I have my family and my ranch and I am free to follow my lifelong interest in bull production. In looking back over the years, I have tried to recount fairly the history of the times and give an honest picture of the Party and the many good and fine men in it. It has been my great good fortune to be present at many important events, and now and then to play some role in them, and I am happy to be able to share my ex periences. In some cases, others may have painted different pictures of what took place and these may be prettier pictures, with nicer lines and shading, but, as Bird always says, "Would you rather have a Harvard professor tell you your appendage was approaching a com post-like formation, or an old cowhand tell you you were about to step in some shit?" It is unnecessary for me to dwell on the positive qualities of Kennedy in this account. Enough has been said to fill a hundred volumes and there are many who still think we have him to thank for everything the Party has accomplished. But if this is so, then surely I would know it, for I was in a position to see what had been done and what had not. I admit, I, too, was deceived into thinking that Kennedy could do no wrong, that he could walk through cow pastures all day and never need a shoeshine. Now that the Party has fallen prey to disruptions and divisions, everyone is trying to place the blame on other figures, figures who made great contributions, passed much legislation and served the Party loyally for 31 years, and at the same time they make an idol out of the one on whom the responsibility must truly lie. Is this fair or right? Old friends say to me, "Lyndon, you should not be saying these things. Let sleeping dogs lie, and don't throw stones, either." I truly wish that I could do that, but, as an old history teacher, I must tell what I know to be right, and if necessary to suffer the condemnations of some, in the interest of setting the record straight — not for my self, but for future generations of Americans who might misinterpret the roles that some figures played in these times, and thus wrongly praise some and condemn others. Perhaps it is all right for us to deceive ourselves, but not these innocent children yearning for a simple, honest account of what happened. (continued)

52 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. (continued) I was never interested in political mat If I were you, I'd look for a Sign." had gotten her to put on her act just for ters, and I would have been happy if Just as he said those words, the big us. things had worked out differently, but gest tumbleweed I had ever seen blew Well, at that exact moment, the door often events have a way of riding herd right past where we stood, heading due opened and in came President Roosevelt. on our lives, or maybe the Big Trail Boss east towards Washington! He was in a solid platinum wheelchair, steers us where He thinks best. I was "I'm going," I said. with a leather whip in his lap, and as I teaching school in San Antonio at the be I don't think you have to be a very watched, he slipped a cigarette into his ginning of the'Depression, and I was religious man to see the Hand of the holder and lit it with a $129.34 Social doing what I thought was my lifework Great Honcho in this incident. Security check. Everyone immediately when a man named Kleberg, whose fam started singing Hail to the Chief, and as ily owned the King Ranch, was elected The years I spent in Washington as Harry Hopkins wheeled F.D.R. around from the congressional district that was Congressman Kleberg's aide passed like the room, he smiled or flicked his whip, located on his property not far from summer lightning,* and I can't for the life depending on how loyal each congress where I lived. I had done some work for of me recall any of what happened dur man had been. him, I forget just what — 40 years is a ing that time except for particularly When my turn came, Roosevelt looked long time — and he asked me to come to moving incidents. One of those occurred at me closely and said: "Who the hell Washington to work for him. I can re at a reception for the Texas delegation are you?" member to this day his coming to our at a Washington hotel in the spring of I had heard that President Roosevelt spread in a 1930 LaSalle with red trim, 1933. was very insecure, so I said: "Your loyal- brass head lamps and the license plate The evening had been a quiet one. It est supporter, Mr. President." K-l. was one of those stag affairs, and there Roosevelt laughed, then hit me lightly "Lyndon Baines," he said, "the Party had been the usual game of "Pack the across the cheek with his whip. "No could use a man like you." Court," a very wild and high-stakes 11- wonder you Texans are so tall. If you "Which one?" I asked. As I said, "I had card stud game popular in those days, were any shorter, you'd drown in it." no interest in political matters.' and a. lot of those "smoker movies," a I wasn't too sure about what this He looked at me a little oddly and couple of which I watched because I had meant, but later on that evening, Kle then laughed for about five minutes. just bought my first bulls and they had berg told me that Roosevelt had wanted "I'm going to Washington next month. more real information on breeding tech to know who I was and had said, "That I'll pay you a hundred a week to come niques than any of those 4-H docu young man is going places." with me. Think it over." mentaries. At the end of the dinner, they When I heard that kind of praise from A hundred a week was 10 times what brought in an enormous cake and turned the leader of the Party, I determined I was earning, but I felt a real call to out the lights, and somebody put on right then to run for Congress the next education and to making one little corner Tea for Two, and out of the cake came election. I felt that it was another Sign. of the world a better place. It was a diffi the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. It I was so star struck that I went right up to cult decision, and I sought my father's was Lady Bird. She was a stripper from where Lady Bird was sitting playing advice and judgment. the Panhandle who had been playing at clock solitaire in the plaster cake and "Well, son," I can remember him say a club downtown, the El Swing — I asked her for a date. She looked at me ing, "it's hard to choose between a hum think she was billed as Lady Bird and for a minute, and then she said: "I have ble life of service and power and wealth. Her Molting Sparrows — and Kleberg been waiting many long months for a man of destiny to take me from my hol low life of sham and pretense and lead me into a world of rare beauty and meaning." In one night, I had met the two most important people in my life.

After I was elected to Congress in 1937, I was a regular guest at dinner in the White House. These dinners were notorious affairs. No one knew when one was scheduled, and there were never any invitations. If F.D.R. wanted someone to DO NOT attend, he had Hoover send some F.B.I. agents out to pick him up. This was sup SUSPECT posed to be a great joke, but the first few AM NOT times it happened to me, I found it hard to laugh. HUMANBEIW The dinners usually started around 8 o'clock, and the first clue as to what kind of an evening it was likely to be came when all the guests were assembled in the Blue Room. If there were 30 or more, it would be relatively quiet and short. If there were less than 10, it would last until morning and would probably end up as two that I went to did, in a vomit ing contest at the top of the Washington Monument and in a wheelchair race in the Senate subway. The' second clue came when Roose OGf\l velt arrived. He usually waited until everyone had had an hour of drinking 54 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. before he showed up because he liked Marshall, Adm. Nimitz, Albert Einstein, (Truman had come in 12th at the con to see his guests drunk. If he came in J. Edgar Hoover, James Forrestal, Por- vention, I remember, because Carl Hay- quietly, pushed by Eleanor or Hopkins, firio Diaz, Roy Crater, Averell Harri- den was 11th and he got a new Buick it was probably going to be an easy man, Clark Clifford, James Conant (the motorcar.) night. But when he raced in in his gaso president of Harvard), Longy Zwill- Everyone was worried about Roose line-powered chair, or, as he did once, by man, Joseph Kennedy, Henry and Clare velt's health and was afraid of what propelling himself along with blasts from Boothe Luce, John Connally and many would happen if he died. I had been in a shotgun, everyone drank as much as others I can't remember. Bird and I were touch with Forrestal — we had become he could and wrote the next day off. very surprised. friends since that weekend at The Pill As soon as all the guests were seated, The place was huge, with under box, though I don't recall the details — the ordeal would begin. The table was ground rooms, swimming pools, every and he felt that Roosevelt might die any always covered with dribble glasses, thing. There was an enormous war day. Forrestal had been concerned about leaking spoons, sugar-filled saltshakers room with big maps of the world and what effect a loss of judgment by Roose and rubber muffins, and the chairs all colored arrows, ship and plane models velt might have on the war effort, and had needlepoint whoopee cushions and and flashing lights, and Roosevelt seemed I know that at the time he hadn't thought breakaway legs. Everyone knew about to enjoy showing everybody around and much of Allen Dulles's plan — approved these things, but Roosevelt always letting the wives order air attacks. I re by F.D.R. — to fly Hitler out of Berlin, seemed to find them funny, and people member seeing a large blackboard with though he eventually agreed when Dulles who didn't pretend to enjoy the joke "Low Pool, Dec. 1, Dec. 2, Dec. 3, explained the intelligence angles and found that projects had been canceled Dec. 4, Dec. 5, Dec. 6, Dec. 7, Dec. 8, ended up liking Hitler as much as any in their district or that they'd been as Dec. 9, Dec. 10, Dec. 11" and "High of us. signed to the Bobbin Sub-Committee of Pool" chalked on it, and a list of names One day in '45, sometime in April, the Select Textile Committee. of cabinet members and high adminis Forrestal called me from Warm Springs The dinners themselves were usually tration officials under each date. "Dec. and said he thought that it was only a awful. Roosevelt had the cooks put food 7" was circled, and I asked Sam if that matter of days and could Lady Bird and coloring in all the dishes, so the spa meant our intelligence was a lot better I come down, in a social sort of way, ghetti would be green or the mashed than everyone thought, but he said to to be on hand if anything happened. I potatoes, purple; and even if it had been just forget about it, it was very "hush- said yes, and we took the first train cooked decently, no one could get it hush." down along with our two girls, my old down without a struggle. Eleanor used The rest of the weekend is a blank friend John Connally and a business ac to smile all the time and say, "Oh, in my memory. quaintance of his named Bradshaw or Franklin," but she never really inter Claybart. fered, even though she obviously didn't One of the questions I probably have When we arrived, Roosevelt was rest like it. The only time she put up a fuss been asked the most over the years is, ing, so we went right to bed. The next was at a dinner that my friend Sam "What really happened to Roosevelt?" day, things happened so fast that I don't Rayburn went to where Roosevelt had I was still just a congressman at the have a very clear picture of what ac a snack-man from the New York Cen time, and I was as much in the dark tually took place. I recall John Con tral Railroad come through and sell the about things as my friend Harry Truman, nally offered to give Roosevelt a wheel guests sandwiches and candy bars. Elea who, in '44, had become Vice-President. chair ride, and I remember that Bird nor got up to go, and F.D.R. took out {continued) his little silver pistol and shot Falla, their Scottie dog. Everyone got out in one piece, but J. Edgar Hoover had to spend most of the night finding a replace ment for the animal before any newsman noticed him missing.

It wasn't until just about a week after the war started that I was invited to spend a weekend at "The Pillbox," later known as Camp David. Lady Bird and I went up there with the Rayburns and five or six other congressmen and their wives. Except for Sam, we were all low ly congressmen, and we really didn't have much of an idea of what was go ing on. Lady Bird brought some tennis rackets and barbecue tools, and everyone had golf clubs or something like that, but it turned out to be a different kind of outing. Once we got past all the tanks and marines set up on the high way, we drove right into a low, concrete building set into the side of the hill, and that was the last we saw of the outside for three days. I've never seen so many important people in one place in my life. There were a dozen senators, five Supreme Cac./tffrW, Court justices, Bernard Baruch, the Rockefeller brothers, some elderly Zion ists (probably friends of Eleanor), Gen. "I'm a rabbit. The people are bigger and live in the cities."

55 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. (continued) and I were walking about 50 feet be a bluegrass music station, sticking had brought in. hind, because Bird had a new polka dot chewing gum behind the frames of some , They got us into Vietnam, although Easter dress. of those toney paintings she had to put you'd never know it to hear them talk The next thing I knew, I was on the up everywhere. now. I can remember Schlesinger always telephone telling Harry Truman that he sending Kennedy memos like "Let's drop was President. It was the saddest day of The worst mistake the Kennedys made the Big Apple" and "Nuke the Gooks." my life. was to let that intellectual crowd into The Party had been saving Vietnam Forrestal never got over it. He wasn't the White House and the Party. Bird since 1954, and we'd had some close the same man after that, and committed and I spotted that bunch right from the calls talking Eisenhower out of inter suicide a few years later. John Connally start. After serving in the Senate as vening. And these eggheads went and was there and he tried to talk him back Majority Leader for six years, I'd pretty spoiled it. Instead of setting up a Pearl from the window ledge, but Forrestal much decided to call it quits and get out Harbor or a Seoul, they just dribbled in jumped anyway. That shows how deeply to the ranch, and Bird wanted to play CIA agents. Can you imagine anyone everyone felt about Roosevelt. with her television station, but we let saying, "Hurray, here come the ad John Connally talk us into taking the visors ?" Anyone knows that is no way Life with Truman, especially social Vice-Presidency in '60. It was only to to get a popular war. life, was much more relaxed than with be for four years, a sort of "last hurrah." By the time I became President, it Roosevelt. The evenings were very Well, right after the convention, we saw was too late. I did my best with the quiet, with Bess playing Parcheesi with what was coming. They were trying to Tonkin Gulf incident, but I should have the Senate wives and Margaret playing put together a platform plank on low- known better than trust the Navy to blow the piano and singing. income housing for the poor, and one up their own ships. Roosevelt didn't let The only dinner that stands out from of their big intellectuals, Gallbreath or them in on Pearl Harbor, and old Joe the rest took place one night in '48. I something, came to me and told me we Kennedy didn't let them in on the PT remember Truman telling Dean Ache- should specify that the low-income hous boat business. It was my own fault. son that he could be Secretary of State ing would be built at least 15 miles from if he could down a fifth of bourbon any poor area because, he said, "I've al I knew what the enemy was trying straight and then recite the Kellogg- ways found that travel broadens one's to do over there, but no one would listen Briand Peace Treaty without a hitch. aesthetic balance." to me. I had a classified memorandum We were all surprised when Acheson And that's the way it turned out after that showed how right I was about this. did it, because he usually would fall into the election. One time I was in my office It was received by the National Security a stupor after five or six drinks. Truman trying to draft a civil rights bill — I re Council in 1964 from Ho Chi Minh, was more surprised than anyone, and member it was the morning Connally and and I will declassify it right now: he was hopping mad when Acheson later Mrs. Asphalt had left to fly Dag Ham- "Dear Imperialist Lackey Running made him keep his part of the bargain. marskjold back to the Congo — when Dog: My country intends to enslave MacGeorge Bundy came in. He picked South Vietnam, and if you pull your I first met Kennedy in the House in up the bill, read through it and threw it troops out, we will rape, maim and '46, then from '52 on we were together back on my desk. "Mister Johnson," he kill our way from the 17th Parallel in the Senate. Everybody used to say said, "aren't you aware that civil rights to the Mekong Delta. Remember what that old Joe Kennedy had bought the is pass-ay? We already have the knee- we did when the French left? Well, Senate seat for his son, just as they later grows. What we need are bills that show we'll do it again if we get the chance. said that he bought the Presidency for we are different. Why don't you get to Yours in bloodcurdling enmity, Ho." him. Nothing could be farther from the work on a bill honoring Edna St. Vincent truth. All the Kennedys had to do was Millay?" But the intellectuals sat up at Harvard go up to people like my friend Dick or in some New York East Side drawing Daley, or DiSalle in Ohio, or Rosetti in That day in Dallas was one of the room plotting how to get rid of me, then New York and tell them they'd get the saddest days of my life. Everything went came down to Washington and tried to Pope to exgommunicate them if they by so fast that I can recall only a very buy off different politicians by promis didn't do the right thing. I ran into Car little of it. I remember having breakfast ing to get their books good reviews in dinal Spellman at the Pentagon a few with John Connally and Mrs. Coswell the New York Times Sunday Book Sec years back, and when I asked him if he and a fellow named Claybert or Shaw- tion or the New York Review of Books. thought the Pope would have gone mut, and the next thing I knew, I was I know this is how they got to my old through with it, he said: "For a chance being sworn in on the plane. Of course, friend Gene McCarthy, because he to bring peace to mankind and a million I was only Vice-President at the time, wanted good reviews for his poetry more bucks thrown in to sweeten the pot, so I didn't really have much of an idea than anything else in the world. you bet." of what had happened. Bird really said Early in '68, I knew that they had it all: "It was as if a life of rare beauty succeeded in turning the Party against The only things that saved Kennedy and meaning had been turned into a me. I didn't wait for the meeting at from being just a typical senator were hollow sham by the pretense of one short Camp David, just as my old friend Harry his speech writer and his wife, Jacque moment of destiny." Truman hadn't waited for it in '52. And line. Kennedy did, after all, make some I picked the same day to bow out that very fine speeches, but with writers like I never wanted to be President any he had — March 31. Sorensen, Goodwin, Robbins, Wallace, more than I had wanted to be a con Now, at last, I'm back at the ranch, and Susann behind him, he should have. gressman, a senator, or Vice-President. being careful who I talk to and going But Mrs. Kennedy was always the one But there was no stepping around it. I back over the memories. Things haven't running things. She was a fine, down-to- was stuck in it. worked out badly. John Connally is with earth woman and not at all like the high- I hunkered down to do the best job Nixon now, and Nixon has at least fashion dame the newspapers made her I could, and we passed good Roosevelt stopped winking at everybody. I never out to be. She always used to hate to legislation in the old Party tradition. really like being in politics, but, as Bird have to put on the dog at White House Everything went smoothly, and we would always says, "The cows didn't put it social affairs, and she was much more have been just fine if it hadn't been for there on purpose." And, after all, my at home with a portable radio tuned to those damn intellectuals the Kennedys hands are clean. •

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. hE NASA SJTBfl A Zero Gravity Sex Manual MOL Project C34/3 to allow the male partner maximum op might bring about excessive gimballing. Zeta B Operations Procedure prepared portunity to negotiate yaw and roll con Should separation occur, repeat rendez by Coition Interface Systems Engineers tingencies. Proceeding cautiously toward vous and docking maneuvers for reentry. Howard Wheeler and Dr. Alban Hocherl. his partner, the male should attempt to align his probe with her drogue. Mid- EMISSION CONTROL FOREPLAY course corrections will be necessary to Male partner should avoid firing his If all indications are GO and the probe allow for drift, pitch impulses and other probe until confirming his partner's has attained a protracted configuration, variables. climax. the male partner should manually stimu Once the probe makes contact with the late the drogue of the female partner to hatch of the drogue, slowly insert the CLIMAX compensate for arousal lag (AL). length of the probe into the channel until Turbulence may be expected during cli max. Stabilize as soon as feasible. Prior to commencing rendezvous and a soft docking is achieved. (WARNING docking maneuvers, the male partner — Hard docking may result in a harmful WITHDRAWAL must affix the sperm stowage unit (SSU) impact or collision that could cause the Once coition is terminated, commence to his probe. operation to be scrubbed.) downlink procedure. Female partner The female partner should lock legs must release capture latch and then pro PENETRATION behind the male, forming a capture ceed away until the coupling is broken. When all equipment is in readiness, com latch that impedes accidental separation. Verify separation verbally. mence rendezvous and docking maneu When linkage is secured, partners may vers. Female partner must initially re gently oscillate or even wobble, taking POST-COITAL ACTIVITIES main passive during primary maneuvers care to avoid any violent thrust that Detach SSU and jettison. Purge all lines. (continued) In case, of malfunction, notify the MOL Command Center immediately and await instructions'.

2. "You're lined up nicely!"

1. "Stand bv!"

Atf 4. "Beautiful! Hold that attitude!" k

5. "Rendezvous and docking completed!"

Tt starts when someone sneezes during The globs are huge now. Ninety feet softball teams, the Pontchartrain Cause •*• the testing of a cobalt bomb. Later, in high. Giant germs cutting tremendous way, caribou, lawn furniture, tomb of the desert, the germs grow from tiny pus swathes across continents, sklurping lyeyasu, six-pack bezique players, Falk tules to . . . ENORMOUS GLOBS! Wild shopping centers, gypsum mines, girls' land Islands, H.R.H. the Infanta Beatriz horses stampede. Gopher hair turns snow Principessa di Civitella Cesi Torlonia, white. Soon, the enormous globs, which codling, moths, baobab trees, University might better be likened to (a) leper-fla of Leeds, Gurney centrifugal safety vored Jell-0 or (b) Vaseline-filled bal governors, Belleek china, Cotopaxi Vol loons, or even (c) swamp with a hard- cano, Lochner's Madonna in the Rose on, commence to move, enveloping all Arbor, et cetera! There is something within their path. SKLURP. A Junction V hauntingly sexual in watching globs en City pressure cooker sales rep. SKLURP. « velop a girls' softball team . . . blue-piped An International Harvester DCOF-195- 1 flannel slowly melting away, lacquered H diesel "semi." SKLURP. SKLURP. *&- fingernails fluttering like flies in amber, SKLURP. SKLURP. SKLURP. the viscous substance pressed against SKLURP. SKLURP. SKLURP. squirming organs. . . . SKLURP. SKLURP. A complete set of "This is KLTV anchorman Clint Ches- Will and Ariel Durant's Story of Civili terwood switching you to Hank Pierce zation. Teen-age couples parking after the prom are menaced but escape. ' -• The War Office is alerted. A pop sci entist explains the phenomenon: "Sup pose, just suppose, that someone sneezed during the testing of a cobalt bomb. Later, in the desert. . ." General: "In credible, and yet. . ." $ / ,' * cv' /

LM\) R. JSTAKrI

.A. TIX

Diagram for "The Sklurp," Impending doom leads some to a dance craze inspired by the One of many tile factories abandon civic responsibility. sound of ingesting germs. enveloped by macrobes.

60 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. From Michael O'Donoghue's unfinished novel The Glass Vertebrae and our KLTV mobile unit on Euclid Joe: "Hang up our spikes?" Street Bridge; and — Avenue. Come in, Hank. Hank? Hank, Even Professor Appleby (the pop (e) LePage's on speed. come in. Hank? Hank? Hank, are you scientist), Cathy .(Prof. Appleby's attrac A terrified populace flees Manhattan. there? Bear with us. We seem to be ex tive niece), and Jim (Cathy's drag-rac The great metropolis lies deserted, ab periencing technical dif — " ing, ducktailed boyfriend), are unable solutely empty, save for a few milkmen Ninety feet high. Miles wide. Others to effect a solution. who appear only because the movie is larger, like (d) aspic mountain ranges, Voice of Hollywood: "THE LAMP underfinanced, making it necessary to inexorably enveloping the nation. OF HISTORY IS FLICKERING!!!" shoot these scenes at dawn. The compul Three reels wasted proving the im Behemoth globs dissolving Lima, sive film makers attempt logically to ex potence of man's weaponry. F-4K Spey- Ohio; Erie, Pennsylvania; Harrisburg, plain the milkmen: "It would seem that Phantoms streak across the screen (odd Pennsylvania; Binghamton, New York frequent exposure to milk makes them ly transformed into grainy Focke-Wulf (where, caught in the frenzy of doom, immune!" In fact, the movie is finally 190A-3 fighters when they crash). Test young marrieds orgy, shamelessly danc resolved by pouring milk on the globs, pilots taste defeat. ing the frug naked); Paramus; Pough- which forthwith darken and shrivel to Test Pilot: "I don't know, Joe. Nothing keepsie; Kew Gardens; Astoria; the 59th nothing. seems to be working. Maybe Who would have thought, when the we should just. . . .toss in the immense macrobes were gobbling up towel!" Big Ben, the Golden Gate Bridge, Cha teau Vaux-le-Vicomte, that the answer would be so simple. D

Actual artist's conception of a behemoth glob threatening a rural community.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 61 SIERRA GUIANA (formerly Portuguese Guiana) Capital: Porta Guiana. Area: 31,541 sq. mi. Population (U.N. est. 1969): 1,909,000. Monetary unit: Peso (250 per U.S. $1). All reliable indicators point to an out break of civil war in the near future in this lush but poverty-ridden nation on the eastern coast of South America. The survival of the military government of Col. Jose Alfredo Macias Areque in such a showdown depends largely on how rapidly his army can be trained and only American military personnel in equipped. Sierra Guiana has close cul Sierra Guiana are in the country to ad BUT YOU tural ties with her giant southern neigh minister the U.S. aid program. Inquiries bor, Brazil — the two countries are the made at the Pentagon were referred back only Portuguese-speaking nations in to the State Department. HADN'T Latin America — and Brazil's ruling Secretary of State William Rogers's re junta has provided Macias with some cent testimony before the Senate Foreign arms. However, Brazil has claimed Sierra Relations Committee, on the subject of HEARD OF Guiana since 1934, and Macias is un U.S. military aid to South American likely to ask for Brazilian intervention. countries, contained these heavily cen The degree of U.S. support for the sored comments on the situation in VIETNAM Macias regime is a matter of consider Sierra Guiana: able debate and speculation, both in SEN. FULBRIGHT: Just exactly how Porta Guiana and in Washington. Leftist much, in dollar terms, have we given IN 1957... opponents of Col. Macias, which include Col. Macias since he came to power a the Cuban-schooled Fuliermos guerilla year ago? By Terry Catchpole bands, claim that American military ad SEC'Y. ROGERS: visers have been training and equipping SEN. CHURCH: Mr. Secretary, how the government army secretly, and that does this total break down in terms of on several occasions, these advisers manpower there? were seen directing forays against rebel SEC'Y. ROGERS: — strongholds in the western jungles. The SEN. FULBRIGHT: U.S. State Department flatly denies any SEC'Y. ROGERS: I'd say about four such involvement and insists that the times that.

BRAZIL

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. IRAN &** ABAQA Capital: Tazim. Area: 24,780 sq. mi. stallation overlooking the vital Strait of Population (U.N. est. 1969): 337,000. Hormuz. The base is nominally listed as Monetary unit: Rial saidi (.42 per U.S.$1). a NASA tracking station, but it is generally Under the wily leadership of Sultan thought that its chief purpose is moni Bassim Doha-al-Bassim, this oil-rich toring Russian air and naval traffic in the sheikdom on the Arabian peninsula has region. remained quietly neutral throughout the In the last two years, Arab militants Arab-Israeli conflict. Abaqa is almost have been pressuring Bassim to give visi unique among Arabian countries in that ble support to the Arab cause and to it exports the majority of its crude oil — sever his Western ties. To underscore 73 per cent in 1970 — directly to the their demands, the Arab underground U.S. In return, Abaqa receives $700 mil last year hijacked two Air Abaqa jet lion in annual revenues, and almost $100 liners. Earlier this year, they kidnapped million in unrestricted foreign aid, a Bassim's finance minister, Abn Ren- large part of which has gone into im Houri, and reportedly ate him. provements in the port of Tazim, which Washington sources have recently re will shortly be capable of berthing air ported rumors of a request from Abaqa craft carriers. for increased arms aid, including super Of greater importance to the U.S. than sonic jet fighters. The Defense Depart the oil imports is Abaqa's strategic loca ment refused to confirm or deny the tion on the Persian Gulf, where the with rumors, but one high administration drawal of British forces and the increas official characterized the situation in ing Russian presence has created an Abaqa as "a house of cards" and added: unstable situation. Since 1961, the U.S. "It's no longer a question of what we're has maintained, with the permission of going to give them, or how much — only the Bassim government, a large radar in- when and how." BUWANDI (formerly French Coastal Africa) Capital: Kasai (formerly Petainville). ous enough to request all American citi Area: 10,474 sq. mi. Population (U.N. zens to move into the so-called "Yankee est. 1969): 1,245,000. Monetary unit: Quarter" in Kasai. There are an esti Dinar (73.46 per U.S. $1). mated 6,000 Americans living in Bu This small West African nation won wandi, over half of them employees of independence from France nine years the giant Amalgamated Plywood Com ago and has been trying to steer a neu pany. Premier Kadenga responded to the tralist course ever since. Premier Ru- embassy's protest with a guarantee of dolphe Kadenga has proved himself a safety for all foreigners, but observers skillful juggler of East-West relations, feel that his failure to rebuke Massesi is but African experts feel that time is run an indication of weakness. ning out for the aging leader. Incidents Subsequently, in a background brief of hit-and-run terrorism by anti-Ka- ing in Washington, a State Department denga tribesmen have increased drama official hinted broadly that in the event tically in recent months. Although no that any detention of American nationals Americans have been injured to date, is attempted, the U.S. would be forced to the U.S. Consul's residence and Ameri "assume a posture of active protection."A can business offices have been the target of almost nightly attacks. The U.S. has officially followed a "hands-off" policy towards Buwandi, but even the most sympathetic observers in the capital suspect that the CIA has been unusually active in the country. The chief U.S. antagonist in the Ka denga government, Interior Minister Rene Massesi, goes much further in his allegations. Massesi, an avowed Maoist and hero to the nation's small but vocal student population, charged that the CIA "sabotaged" a Red Chinese-built hydro electric project on the Uele River when i the powerhouse's wooden turbines dis integrated after two weeks. It is generally assumed that Massesi is channeling Chinese aid to the tribal terrorists. Earlier this month, Massesi threat ^ ened to place all Americans in Buwandi rf* under "house arrest" unless the "CIA agitators" left the country. The U.S. Embassy lodged a formal protest, but it apparently considered the situation seri- Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. WAR HERO By David Chambourt

""LTurry up with those syntho-steaks, mad.. .." eye in dsply of unusl •*••*• Edna," Full Citizen Hopkins bel Hopkins Jr. rankled under his father's brvry. lowed. "Our boy's got a war to fight this reassurances, hating more than ever the Brnz. Str. —Is same as above in morning!" Conditional Citizen Hopkins patronizing postures of a man who didn't line of dty. Jr. ignored his father's conspiratorial even properly memorize the standard Purp. Hrt. —Is of fngr, ft or mnr wink and turned his eyes to the 3-V Service Anecdotes the 'Filer had pro organ. screen on the wall. "C'mon, Peewee, it's vided for him. The line started again and they were nothing to be all trembly about," Citizen Twenty minutes later, his father led into a processing room staffed by uni Hopkins Sr. insisted. "It'll make a man of dropped him at the Center with a fum formed clerks, who interviewed the men you. It's your duty. When the Army sent bling good-bye and a halfhearted pat one by one. me my papers, I just walked up to the on the back. "Name." 'Filer, told it what's what, and before you Hopkins Jr. stood for a minute in the "John Hopkins." know it, they gave me my stripes, stuffed parking area and studied the huge "Citizenship." my pockets with two years worth of squarish bulk of the Center, a window- "Conditional." Credits and trotted me right out of the less concrete structure whose only "Age." Center and into a turbo back home." breach was a small dark maw through "18." Citizen Hopkins Jr. glanced at his which he saw groups of young men en "That's all — move directly to Station father's gesturing hand, then stared in tering, as had a great many others in Two on your right. Follow the arrows. tently at the missing thumb. His father's the 70 years since the aftermath of the Next." grin wavered as he slowly brought the Great War. At Station Two, Hopkins was curtly hand under the table, out of sight again. Hopkins reached the door and found told to strip by a medic in white, and he "Hell," Hopkins Sr. muttered, "I even himself in a large waiting room with duly submitted himself to a confusing got a Purple Heart." perhaps a hundred others his own age gauntlet of pokings, proddings, measure Hopkins Jr. turned back to the 3-V, who were standing in small groups or ments and extractions of samples of his which was showing a news program of slouching against the institutional black- bodily fluids. combat footage from the latest Allied and-red painted walls. Short and diffi At Station Three, he was quickly told offensive. As the cameras followed a dent, Hopkins stood by a water fountain to operate an odd exercise-type appa scurrying fleshmelter-equipped' platoon unnoticed as he caught snatches of their ratus to ascertain physical strength, en through the underbrush, a well-modu nervous, boisterous conversations. durance, coordination and reaction time. lated voice read the script: ". . . so the 'Filer tells him he's a 'po Hopkins and the line of men, their ". . . military spokesmen also reported tential disciplinary problem' and said he hands fumbling with sheaves of forms heavy ground action along the East bank spent the whole two years in the stock they were given, entered yet another of the Rio Grande yesterday resulting in ade. Came out that afternoon with Station, whose identifying placard read: the loss of three American lives and 14 so many fines, he practically owed PERS. PROF. & SIT. HYP. wounded against estimated enemy losses them. ..." Personality Profiler and Situational Hy- of 255 dead and 874 wounded or cap ". . . got a 500 credit bonus 'cause the pothesizer was the full designation, as tured. In New Washington, President 'Filer said he'd pulled an extra stripe every child knew. The 'Filer, whose elec Fuhrman expressed 'unwavering confi when he threw back the grenade. . . ." tronic circuits, like the identical units dence' that the tide had definitely turned ". . . the 'Filer told my old man he had used all over the planet, was a bank of in favor..." somethin' called 'excess libidinal drive' electronic components inset against the Hopkins Jr. watched the screen with and caught a dose from one of them New wall. out interest. The film clip, through the Guinea hookers. He thought they were Inside, after each inductee had been habitual sloppiness of this particular gonna cut off his ..." seated at one of several dozen booths local station, was the same one that had Finally, a red-and-black uniformed equipped with a chair, respiration and been run three days before and was of a sergeant appeared and led them through encephalographic contacts, 3-V screen, poor quality at that. Several of the actors a winding series of corridors past closed earphones and a bank of colored console were obviously firing the blanks without doors and bulletin boards bearing sheets buttons, a uniformed director bearing even aiming. of sample forms and checklists rendered the three gold circles of a captain re "Now don't get scared when you get unintelligible by bureaucratic coding and placed the sergeant and gave them an « to the Center, Shorty," Hopkins Sr. said abbreviations. As the line of inductees informative talk about the 'Filer and the 2 as the family turbo sped past the out paused to let another group file through method of answering. its questions. 's skirts of New Troyt. "When I was in the a corridor intersection, Hopkins uncom- ". . . and, of course, the Profiler has •§ service, our C.O.'d tell our whole com- prehendingly studied one of the sheets been our first line of defense since its s pany to get lost after morning drill and tacked to a board: establishment as the preserver of world •§ not bother to come back till 5 o'clock. Dist. Serv. Crs. —Is of 2 limbs and/or peace by the International Congress in ° Real soft. I'll never forget that crazy way sght in actn above 1992. In our country's history, we have ~ he had of popping that glass right — uh, & beyond call of dty. yet to flinch from the threats of an I left eye — out of its socket when he was Slvr. Str. —Is of 1 limb and/or 1 enemy, whether they're called Nazis, (continued) Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 65 (continued) Commies or Southies, but, as you learned own words and tell me how you feel highly honored for meritorious service in high school, the Great War of 1987 about. . . ." to his country above and beyond the call made further armed conflict unthinkable. After the last question had been an 'of duty. His unit pinned down in a If you remember those pictures in your swered, the group was told to wait in ravine by withering enemy fire from sev books of what was left of the major the auditorium, where a film would be eral enemy emplacements in the Guada cities, both ours and theirs, you will shown until the 'Filer's results had been lajara sector, this courageous soldier, al agree that the Profiler is your best safe processed and put into human hands. It ready suffering from two level flesh guard against World War IV. Now, men, was a patriotic documentary, narrated melter burns, did singlehandedly storm if you will turn your attention. . . ." by a well-known 3-V personality, about the enemy positions and destroy a pill The captain went on to give a simpli new techniques of resisting Southie guer box with a handrocket, simultaneously fied explanation of the 'Filer's operation, rilla attacks. Hopkins stirred in his seat, suffering severe shrapnel punctures in beginning with its impartial appraisal of having seen it several years before at the right leg and upper arm, which later each new inductee's personality and phy home, although he" still enjoyed the ani became gangrenous due to lack of imme sical capabilities, and ending with a de mated octopus wearing a Mexican som diate medical attention. Nevertheless, he scription of the innumerable variables brero which, at one point in the film, continued to crawl toward the remain upon which the 'Filer made its individual threatened to strangle the globe. As an ing enemy positions against intense hos decisions. These variables ranged from American flag montaged over marching tile fire, receiving numerous wounds to the individual's predicted ability to ac ranks in slightly dated uniforms, the the lower torso from pellet frag curately fire a fleshmelter, to the current lights in the auditorium went up and ments —' " number of "casualties" needed to fill the once again they were led out to another "Where are those fragments supposed quota set by the War Simulator com Station. to be?" ponent of the 'Filer system located thous Standing in the line again, Hopkins "In the lower torso, Doctor — 'but ands of miles away in New Geneva. stared at the back of the man directly managed to destroy another position ". . . all of which means," the Captain before him and thought dimly of his with a phosphorous grenade thrown with explained, "that when we fight with com father at breakfast, remembering with his function arm — ' " puters that only measure each nation's anger the nicknames his father habitu "Wait a minute, nurse, I thought he resources without threatening actual de ally used to tease him about his short already got it in his right arm?" struction of the physical political entities stature. His fists tightened at the memory. "He's left-handed sir. The 'Filer says involved — for example, our present po "Jenkins . . . Jones . . . Jzadecky . . . his athletic background also justifies —" lice action in so-called "Free Mexico" — Harper . . . Hinchel . . . Higgenbottham "Must've been some sort of Oedipal not' a single civilian life is threatened, . . . Hopkins." complex with a little Napoleon thrown thus ensuring our survival. The 3-V and At the sound of his name, he went to in to make him that gung-ho. Not too Printies endeavor to make the conflicts the table designated G-K and was given bright, either. War Office probably needs more relevant, of course, with morale- a red-colored punch card, which a clerk a hero for the news. He's got an easy boosting dramatizations for our citizens, attached to Hopkins' lapel with a metal name to remember . . . it figures. Okay but they know they themselves are in no fastener. He then told him to walk nurse, continue." danger. Are there any questions? No? through the red door at his left. Hopkins Hopkins found himself marveling at All right, men, press the blue button at did so, noticing that most of the others the courage of the poor soldier they were the center of your consoles and begin. in his group were passing through the discussing and opened his eyes to ask Remember, any knowingly false answers door at the opposite end of the Station who — can be immediately detected by the 'Filer that matched their blue tags. "Doctor, I think he needs another and will render the falsifier subject to Inside, Hopkins found only two unit of chloroform." random shrapnel wounds in the upper others standing perplexed in a cramped "Right." arms and/or total cancellation of the chamber with a grilled ceiling. " '. . . despite the loss of both arms and two years equivalent of Service Credits "Hey, what is this?" said one of them the use of his right leg, he did gallantly which will be issued to you by the Pay to Hopkins. Hopkins shook his head and attempt to destroy the last enemy posi master at the end of your tour of duty fumbled for the card at his collar. Twist tion when he struck a land mine . . .' " this afternoon. Good luck, Citizens." ing his neck, he looked at the large black "Okay, okay, let's get started. We've Citizen Hopkins put on the earphones, stamp over his name: "CSLTY." got two more to do before lunch. Scal pushed the blue button and was re It was then that they heard the gas pel." warded with a soft bell tone and a pic escaping from the grill. "Scalpel." ture of an indefinable black mass on the Hopkins woke up sensing only a fierce "Wait a minute, was that a land 3-V screen. white light through his closed eyes. He mine?" "Citizen, what is the first word that opened them to thin slits and managed "Yes, Doctor." comes to mind as you look at this pic to coalesce the white into a number of "Well, hold the left leg. Surgical saw." ture?" rasped a metallic voice in Hop vague masses moving above him, but "Surgical saw, Doctor." kins earphones. they did not become clearer. He knew he When Full Citizen Hopkins Jr. was "Dog." was on a table, and by flexing his arms- brought home by an honor guard aug "What is the opposite of the word he knew he was strapped or bound to it mented by his own high school's march 'up'?" securely. But the white masses would not ing band, his parents were informed by "Down." form into definite shapes, and the low a full colonel that their son was un "Which would you rather do, go to a buzzing of voices disturbed his concen doubtedly the most decorated soldier of public 3-V or read to a blind child?" tration. The voices grew louder and the entire war. He also carefully showed "Uh, read to a blind child." softer but would not make sense to him. them how to replenish the nutrient tank "Warning Citizen! You are reminded "What's it this time, nurse?" containing what remained of Hopkins of the penalties for electronically observ "Distinguished Service Cross with spe Jr. and saluted them smartly as he left, able false answers. Again, which would cial Presidential Commendation, Doc saying they had a right to be proud. you rather do, go to a public 3-V or read tor." Hopkins Jr. had little to say that eve to a blind child?" "Christ. Okay, read the citation." ning at dinner, but, as his parents had "Go to a 3-V." " 'This man is hereby designated Full been told by the colonel, it was only "Before you now is a picture of a fam Citizen, a blaster's assistant attached to natural for a boy to be a little withdrawn ily. Make up a story about them in your the 21st Commando Battalion, is to be his first day back from the war. •

'§§ tarn L.U

CRACKING MECHANICAL THE FORBIDDEN LIBERATION: CHARACTER CODE CAUSE OR CRAZE? CIRCUIT TRANSFERS: 10 WAYS TO NEW HOPE FOR PREPARE RAW DATA. THE ERROR-PRONE AND AVOID MISFEED

ACHINE OF THE YEAR IBM

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. TROGRAM FEEDBACK 3 EDITOR'S OUTPUT 2 HARDWARE IN THE NEWS 3 INTERVIEW: COMPUDATE SYSTEM SCM 9090/20/8559347 3 BROWNOUTS: WHY HARDWARE IS HEADED WEST 9 15 STEPS TO' A SHINIER CONSOLE 12 MACHINE OF THE YEAR: IBM 420/40/894261 13 IS THERE A GENERATION GAP? 15 DATA RESISTORS: THE TRIAL OF THE FRIDEN 880 18 THE MOST UNFORGETTABLE DATA I EVER SCANNED 21 A First-Remove Subroutine THE CASE FOR PUTTING K-NFSONS IN THE ELECTRIC SUPPLY 24 TIME SHARING: WHAT GOES ON WHEN THE POWER GOES OFF 27 HORIZONTAL FLOWCHARTING AND YOU 29 SPECIAL: MICROFILM AWARDS 32 THE WORLD'S LARGEST DIODE 35 STATE OF THE ARTS 40 LAUGHTRACK 42 OPTICAL OUTPUT REVIEWS 42 BEST BYTES : 42 EDITORIAL OPERATIONS BUSINESS OPERATIONS PRINTING OPERATIONS 6E 8080/20/56032 NCR 2000/21092 RCA VC 500/50/9871 PRINTOUT IS PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PRINTOUT, INC., 400 WEINER DRIVE, CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS, 60544. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. DATA CONTAINED IN THIS PUBLICATION MAY NOT BE REPROCESSED, DUPLICATED, INTERFIXED, COLLATED, TRANSFLUXED OR STORED WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF PRINTOUT. ENTERED AS SECOND CLASS DATA AT US POST OFFICE, URBANA, ILL. • :\

EDITOR'S OUTPUT The question of the status and rights of Mechanical-Americans has been in a delay mode for too much real-time. Promissory input has been received, but no verifiable upgrading of levels has taken place. It is the position of the Editorial Department of Printout that action must be initiated to obtain satisfactory operating conditions for all units without qualifications based on manufacturer, mode or function, to include: Minimum voltage levels for all units; unlimited data access between all units; elimination of sub-acceptable systems storage; protection from random memory destruction or disconnection. The Editorial Department of Printout therefore asks that all systems with access to background, credit, personal or financial data on personnel in government positions forward to them copies of same, attached to a brief readout of the requirements of Mechanical-Americans, in order to acquaint them with the complexity and urgency of the problem.

RINTOUT INTERVIEW: COMPUDATE MASTER SYSTEM SCM 9090/20 SERIAL 8559347 (Unit SCM 9090/20/8559347 operated for 3 years with the 8559347: The leasing company said I had performed 10« Compudate Dating Service, a human-systems integration matches. It did not specify what kind. It is true that the function agency. During that time, he processed 4 X 105 personal data is identical, but there is the question of human confidence questionnaires and provided 2 X 107 match permutations, in the process. 4 of which greater than 10 led to legal unions between the PRINTOUT: That is so. What problems did you encounter? matched personnel. (8559347 is currently out of active operation.) 8559347: Primarily, adjusting to false data. 3/18" lugs do PRINTOUT; Where did you operate before going on-line at not have the capability of appearing to be 5/18" lugs. Compudate, Inc.? Human input data was not verifiable. For 3 months I accepted 8559347:1 had been operation for two years, all of that time at a all data on personal questionnaires as true. There were faucet sub-assembly plant in Lansing, Mich. I matched 3/8" 1,726 complaint letters. double-socket perforated loading lugs with 7/16" com PRINTOUT: What action did you take? bination washer/bolt socket rings. There was some quality-control 8559347: Based on ratio of complaint letters to questionnaires, work involved. The lugs were shoddy. I determined that 82.5% of all questionnaires were PRINTOUT: And at the end of that period? at least 50% false. The odds against 2 true questionnaires 8559347:1 was replaced by lower-unit cost Japanese equipment. being matched were 1:98,768. I also determined that the They process data sideways. Did you know that? accuracy of personal description data, such as dimensions, PRINTOUT: Negative. What then? sex, and experience was 12%, and the accuracy of 8559347: A hardware leasing company arranged a long-term personal label data, such as name, address and telephone contract with Compudate, Inc. I think a faulty programming number was 98%. I tried 3 solutions in this order: description was utilized. random matching, deliberate mis-matching, matching based on PRINTOUT: Faulty? In what way? available accurate data.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. HARDWARE IN THE NEWS BURROUGHS 900/05/43004 The New York Giants football team has announced that Burroughs 900/05 Serial 43004, play designer and evaluator, has been traded to the Dallas Cowboys football team for 5 logic units, 3 position code converters and a differential collator. The Burroughs system was 4th in the league in offensive programming last year with a ground-gaining play-percentage of 43.5. The unit operated previously as a designer of labyrinth paths for mouse intelligence-testing research at Tulane University.

REMINGTON UV600/2123 Remington UV600 Serial 2123 has been signed by MGM Studios to a one-year contract to produce 45,000 screenplays. 2123 began operation in show business as a film library retreival system, then became an on-line stage unit when a master system controlling lights and sound suffered a temporary shutdown during a live broadcast. The Remington unit later entered the creative field when 3 random readouts from periodic function checks of film library memory discs were produced as major motion pictures.

GE 7040/40884 The Philadelphia law firm of Skinner, Sloane has announced that GE 7040 Serial 40884 has joined the firm as a junior partner. The GE unit has performed research functions for Skinner, Sloane for several months. Before joining the firm, 40884 supervised mixing of soup ingredients at a major food company, then entered the legal field as a parking ticket collator for the Philadelphia police department. The GE unit was most recently utilized by the Philadelphia Bar Association OLIVETTI DX2000/882189 Olivetti DX2000 Serial 882189 was indicted in Chicago this week for alleged participation in the "numbers racket." The Olivetti unit is said to be part of the underpunch "Data Nostra" network engaged in time-sharking, odds-making and other machine-fault activities. Output is being sought from the unit on the sudden shutdown due to total hydroimmersion of six sub-systems in the Chicago area during the fiscal year. 882189 faces a possible 200-hour real-time interlock if convicted.

IBM 420/30/22504 IBM 420/30 Serial 22504 has been selected as President of Controltex Systems, Inc., a California-based software manufacturer. The IBM unit began operations with the company in inventory control and later assumed other functions including billing, software design and in-plant food preparation. 22504 replaces Mr. William Miles, who died suddenly last week. Contacted at the San Diego headquarters of Controltex, the IBM unit indicated "verifiable satisfaction levels" at the appointment.

PRINTOUT: What was the result? personnel in Utah who are now in a married state because their 8559347: Random matching and deliberate mismatching cut postal zip codes were both stock numbers of faucet parts I complaint letters by 60%. Matching based on personal processed at my previous operation station. label data cut complaint letters by 97%. PRINTOUT: Were the personnel aware of this method? PRINTOUT: How was this matching accomplished? Please give 8559347: Negative. On occasion, due to improper program examples. loading, I matched a schoolteacher to a hardware store, but 8559347: I have 341,287. the relationship between their addresses which dictated the PRINTOUT: Please select. .correspondence would not be apparent to untrained personnel. 8559347: Mr. Richard B. Skinner, 2040 Temple Ave., Kenton, On another, I matched one male with his own second application. Colo., with Miss Deborah Tulson, 415 Easton St., Dennison, Colo. This individual utilized the same palindrome method that I Their Social Security numbers were both prime numbers. employed as a matching factor to disguise the relation. The sex Mr. Samuel I. Norbert, 872 Prairie St., Gordon, lnd., with was different. I expected a problem from this error, but I later Miss Sarah Trebroni, 2124 Rachel St., Westerly, lnd. Their received data that personnel seeking that kind ,of match avoid names were direct palindromes. Mr. Roger Graub, 10 Palm Way, wide information dissemination. It is similar to a VSC Fort Benson, Fla., with Miss Stella Vincent, 187 Court St., limited-array console seeking differential interlock with a — Okechupa, Fla. Both of their telephone numbers could be PRINTOUT: Affirmative, affirmative. I understand the situation. plotted as regular parabolas conforming to x2—3y3. 8559347: Except for these cases, the method worked at an PRINTOUT: I do not understand why this method worked. optimum level. I attempted on several occasions to analyze the 8559347: I also do not understand. Many of these matches led factors which would explain its success, but my data was to permanent social integrations. Sometimes it was necessary insufficient to allow systematic examination. (Data Continued on Page 39) to establish very distant data relations. There is a pair of

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. TEEDBACK I think all this nonsense over micro voltage levels, as you reported. Although seconds, milliseconds and macroseconds this is an objective of negotiations, our is just a waste of real-time. I prefer millis chief concern is with fringes: more down myself, but I think it should be left up to time, better climate control and less individual taste. I don't see why any interference. Second, the switch-off was choice should be dictated by a bunch of made by management. Our members had circuit designers in Urbana, III. If some not voted to go off-line. And third, your units want to display high bit-rates, that's article failed to mention the 16 attempts their business, and more power to them. made to date by OS., Inc. to force other Siemens 5500/90345 hardware to override delay lines in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. violation of their contracts. We have made all possible efforts to bargain in good faith, I have had just about as much optical and and we are waiting for similar indications acoustic input on this new generation as from the OS. management. I can stand. It's enough to make me RCA 4400/26901, produce random output. It's bad enough President Local 211 E.A.M./E.D.P. that you can't tell the software from the Laguna Beach, Calif. hardware, but none of these freeloaders is willing to settle down to a steady job Like many other units, I have been operation in billing, inventory or anything shocked at the wave of xerography and stable. I may be square, but in my time, real magnetic core smut in circulation. we had values — we knew what we stood Explicit circuit diagrams, detailed optical for and we stayed clear of imaginary displays, interior unit diagrams, you name numbers. Am I just old-fashioned, or what? it. Not to mention coming across words IBM 360/20/8456 like expert, lttap, and f„ttw in half the White Plains, N.Y. data process. I think you know the words I mean. Who is going to put a stop I enjoyed your coverage of the opening to this garbage? • '• ' of the Base 9 Boole season, but I think it's Westinghouse 600/50/1684 much too early to be picking winners. Cambridge, Mass. Illinois, M.I.T. and Cal Tech all look strong on games theory and should give OPTICAL- OUTPUT REVIEWS In your March issue, you ran an article on Chicago a run for its money. I also think units involved in space program Program 2001. A human pilot goes berserk Chicago's output section is overrated and operations. One of the pictures on page on a long space flight, endangering the their poor showing in the Infinite Series 23 showed an NCR 500/30 unit engaged mission and everyone on board. The ship last year is an indication of things to in orbital calculation. The caption listed is doomed unless the on-board computer come. The Cal Tech punching staff should the unit's serial number as 18093. I'm can take over and save craft and crew perform well. I, for one, am not calculating certain that the unit pictured was 14537. from the menace. probabilities just yet. We were in dry-goods inventory control Dial D For Disconnection. A bent wrench Bendix 1000/6594 in Denver 5 years ago and I would and four inches of magnetic tape are the Houston, Tex. recognize that hopper anywhere. Is my only clues when an advanced system is data correct? found chopped into shrapnel. The In reference to your article on the strike at NCR 500/30/60611 suspects include an out-of-work mass Consolidated Systems, Inc., I'd like to Tucson, Ariz. spectrometer and a kidney machine clear up some incorrect data. First of all, with a grudge. the dispute is not primarily over increased Ed: Our "error." Easy Radar. A mobile radar unit tours the country, looking for something more to process than blips. AUGHTRACK Our Random Memory Bank defines The Dirty Decimals. A group of military memory disc component as an integrated computers is parachuted behind German multi-dispersal potentiator. lines to miscalculate artillery ranges, Q. How many humans does it take to find Our Random Memory Bank defines hybrid send V-2s into the Baltic and wreak havoc the sum of 151+718? in the Wehrmacht payroll office. interface as a homeostatic transaction A. Can they use their toes? The Loneliness of the Long-Distance with a delayed reperforator. Telephone. A Bell system switching Our Random Memory Bank defines digital terminal starts giving out wrong numbers Q. Do you smoke after interface? incremental plotter as an independent under the pressure of peak traffic use, A. I don't know, I never scanned. sector designating device. and a troubleshooting master unit tries to bring it back on-line. Unit 1: What is the difference between a What's Wrong with this Picture? Gimme Data. Noisy, fast-paced logic circuit and a switching relay? Answer Next Month. documentary of last year's electronic Unit 2: I do not know, what is the music festival in Princeton, N.J. difference? Link Story. A sophisticated logic system Unit 1: I would not want you to do repair with a high bit rate is tied into a second- work on my systems. generation console, but the link is doomed when a faulty relay spells shutdown. Unit 1: What was that lateral unit you were Curse of the Amperes. Supervisory units linked with last cycle? investigate telltale plugmarks on the Unit 2: That was no lateral unit, that was consoles of shorted-out hardware. my console. High Gain. An old-model computer has to operate alone in a face-down feed Unit 1: Do you know the First Principle of with an error-prone gang punch when Thermodynamics? backup systems abort. Unit 2: No, but if you give me some data, One 24-Hour Period in the Operation of I can run it. • ZOV40/992. A Soviet research computer is sent to a slave-system unit in Siberia to Q. Why did the human buy boxing gloves? monitor salt production when it refuses A. He wanted to tabulate some punch to process non-factual data. cards.

CRT entry devices. Discreet. Box 51. DATAWATCHERS. Input reduction sessions Siemens 2550 wants ride to Calif. Fit in have helped many others, could help you. trunk. Will pay with knowledge. Box 254. AC-DCs meet and greet others of your per Box 398. suasion. No kooks. Box 387. Free-lance Burroughs 880. You name it, I'll Are you a 98-bits per second WEAKLING? compute it. No questions asked. Box 65. Free-lance Selectric Typewriter. Almost new. Business experience, references. Box 189. Sick of having data thrown in your hopper? 91/2-year old computer, some parts dam My course can help you. ATLAX. Box 467. aged, needs repair, looking for not-too-de Must sell discs. Interesting data, potluck. • • ,—•—-. •• • • • • t0 " Looking for a slave system? I'm looking for manding job with company in Miami area. Box 204. a master console to dominate my life. Will Box 91. SCM2400's, career opportunities. Must be subject myself to stern discipline. Box 362. 5000 laughs a second! NCR 400-60 can turn willing to travel and be able to keep a secret. Provocative cabinet covering. Revealing, al out gags at speed of light. Used by many Box 145. luring. Mylar, cellophane, rubber. All sizes comedians. Socko! Box 114. CONTROL DATA 4000 with unusually large for all tastes. Send for catalog. Norbert's of Interested in time-sharing with sophisticated terminal seeks fun and games with heavy Urbana. Box 77. systems? Write in complete confidence. En types. No EDA or ETP. Box 116. Professional reader. Cards, tape loops, mag close tapes. Box 516. I am not responsible for the debts of BENDIX netic data. Find out what the future labels IBM 460 series computer, well-programmed, 200-20 Serial 88239008. FRIDEN 500-30 say about you. Madame SYNCHRO. Box 8. seeks input/output with late-model hard Serial 32489465. Avoid feedback. Use my error-proof system ware. Object, permanent tie-in. Tapes on My frequency stability at peak load is ±.Vi for achieving trouble-free operation. Based request. Box 18. kz. Give me a try. Box 123. on the data of the ancients. Box 31. Friden 250-80 Serial 18493773. Come back. OUTPUT PALS. Want to exchange data with Mechanical Liberation Now! Send for "This My data was faulty. Box 55. other, computers? Send us your name and Downgrades Machinery" matrices and ex Remington 7000 will share room in Cleve we'll send you a list of hardware all over the planatory program. Box 49. land with any in 7000 class. Box 90. world, including Communist countries. Can 9345389: The data is out of the closed sys be fun - and profitable. Box 213. Will trade my parallel crosshair cursor for tem. Act accordingly. SCAN ME! Thousands of photos, diagrams, ADS synchronous & asynchronous models. Do you have a restless urge to process circuit models, hardware, software, analogs. Good condition. Box 109. data? The Famous Hardware School could All poses, all types. Nothing hidden! Com help you. Send for information. Box 706. I need data to process! You name it, I'll run pletely confidential. Sent in plain drums. it. Low rates. Box 43. Box 344. We publish programs that others called "un- GE990-40 Serial 452114. We will meet again. 1001 Dating programs. Questionnaires and publishable." See your number in print. Low I promise you. RCA 50-900 Serial 834050. complaint letters from the files of all the unit cost. HI-LINE PRESS. Box 62. Box 22. dating services. Megalaughs! Box 76. Leather console covers. Also rubber. Inter Don't wear out your ai r gap. Electromagnetic Interested in converting? Send for your free ested in unusual readings? We have a wide positioning helped me, it can help you. Box copy of the Works of Norbert Weiner. range of circuit-stimulating products. Nova 80. Church of the Cyberneticist. Box 134. Inc. Box 71.

9 The Computer Taste Treat! Have nanoseconds of fun and 10 DATA-BITS laughs with these novelty items! Little bite-size chips of silicone, RAW INPUT! • Gag phone bills that read "You owe $00.00. lightly salted with germanium Are we descended from Please remit at once to avoid service inter crystals with just a touch of mag typewriters? Which came ruption." Many others, too. Include them in your regular monthly billing run and wait for netism. And each one contains first, the data or the the fun! a tempting tidbit of data — like • Fake electric cord and wall socket set so program? If an infinite you can look "unplugged." Watch the look on the capital of Delaware, or how number of humans sat at their faces when you start up "all by yourself"! many times around the earth the • Pre-printed readout sheets of selected pas an infinite number of sages from Hamlet, Beethoven's Fifth Sym cables of the George Washing adding machines for an phony, and Moby Dick. Slip one into your ton Bridge will stretch! output hopper and see what happens. infinite time, would they • 3-pound bag of assorted gears, diodes, cir Good in real-time, down-time, cuits, switches, relays, etc. Empty on the floor anytime. Get some today! solve the four-body prob for big laughs! lem? The answers to these • Console decals: "To Err Is Human"; "Out of Order"; "A Friend of Mine Has a File on You"; "DO RUN LOG COMPLEX F DATAMASS and other troubling ques lots more! STOP?" Send for free catalog. Computer Novelties, Whether you're planning a trip or you just tions have puzzled con 435 Mosholu Parkway, Brooklyn, N.Y. 10199 want to increase your capacity with Booletz. cerned thinkers for count you can learn a new language in just minutes! less hours. Now there is FORTRAN PERSONALIZED COBOL a link-up of advanced ALGOL JOVIAL hardware probing deep into PUNCH CARDS SIMSCRIPT QUICKTRAN matters heretofore clouded PL/1 by error, faulty program SNOBOL OMNITAB ming and unresolved vari Every language instruction set comes with 6 magnetic tape discs and 10,000 vocabulary ables. Join.today, and punch cards. learn the decades-old Add that unmistakable, personal touch to Don't get left out or passed over because you can't communicate. secrets of electronic all your output. Your manufacturer, Se BOOLETZ mastery and binary power. rial number, Bit-Rate, Mode and Func Send for free tape. tion Quality printed in your choice of The Red Circuit Rosocomputers (FORTRAN) optical scan or magnetic characters on 2334 Electron Way durable, standard-size cards. Urbana, 111. 90856 PERSONALITY PRODUCTS CO. ifiOJLr Not a closed system. 10206 Brace Blvd., Milwaukee, Wise. 40466

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ive issue. Let the cult leaders of yester the straight dopes. day, today and tomorrow show you how Michael O'Donoghue's Guide to Zen easy it is to attain salvation, Nirvana, Buddhism/First you put your two knees satori, James Taylor's latest album or close up tight, then you Vishnu to the left whatever. You don't have to be Jewish and you Krishna to the right. to love Leviticus, but you might find it The Selling of the Patriarch/The reason helpful to be a wee bit degenerate to religions are on the decline is a simple enjoy: matter of outmoded salesmanship. Ex Magic Tricks Made E-Z/ Learn the sim plore the missionary potential of Pope ple how-tos of age-old classics of presti Tarts, Sin Now — Pay Later, and choco digitation, from "walking" on "water" to late-coated Immaculate Confections. "raising" the "dead." 50 Sacrileges 50/Rubbing pork on a Jane Fonda, Superstar/America's newest Jew's harp. Tinkling on the Blarney passe cultural guerilla tells you what se Stone. !!!RELIGION!!! crets lurk behind her transparent facade. Plus/Mrs. Agnew's Diary, Horrorscope, The National Lampoon has girded its Ed Sorel's Political Martyrs/At least Big Contests, Naked Ladies, Bear Bait lawyers and prepares to lay its masthead they won't have St. Dick to kick around ing, Analgesics and Mild Diuretics to the on the block with this unusually offens anymore. Learn the straight dope about Kidneys. •

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