January 22, 2003 - Volume 3, Issue 10 www.theslant.net - FREE every other Wednesday

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Bee Gees' Vocalist No Longer Woman Enjoys Putting Cell Slant Writer's Roommate Still more than a pile of chemical equations. "Stayin' Alive" Phone On "Vibrate" A Little Too Has A Thing For Asian Girls The head of the bookstore refused to Maurice Gibb, Much Apparently it was not a phase. He still comment. He was, however, overheard singer and Local woman Tracy Vail was heard in has an Asian fetish. Seriously. It's getting saying, "bwahahahaha." bassist for the Kroger Thursday seemingly getting way awkward. Bee Gees, died too much pleasure from her pants pock- Dodge Stratus Purchase this past et. She screamed, "Yes! Yes! NO, Puke Odor Aspect Of Party Overshadowed By Brother's Saturday after DON'T STOP CALLING! Keep calling! Ambiance Downplayed Supreme Court Nomination reportedly con- Oh God!" Mothers throughout the store A festive Exultant tracting a deadly fever in the night. The were forced to cover the ears of their gathering of twenty- surviving Gibb brothers eulogized him children, while Produce Manager Bruce Vanderbilt nine-year- this afternoon at the wake, held at Studio Stevenson had to go on break to change students in old furni- 54. Barry Gibb fought back the tears, his pants and make a phone call. an Area VI ture sales- saying, "Well, you could tell by the way suite this man Jerry he used his walk he was a woman's man, Taking of Girl’s Virginity Not As past week- Sembler no time to talk." His other brother Robin Special As She Made It Out To end culmi- rushed to Gibb added, "Now he's got the wings of Be nated in no call his heaven on his shoes, he's a dancin' man After taking less than parents and tell them about his purchase and he just can't lose." John Travolta freshman Erika three students’ blowing chunks into vari- of a new Dodge Stratus, only to have his was unavailable for comment. Anderson’s vir- ous receptacles that rarely included the mother say, "That's nice, dear. Your ginity over the toilet. In spite of the odor, partygoers brother just got nominated to the Sophomore Receives Fellowship weekend, junior remained joyous and continued consum- Supreme Court. Isn't he wonderful?" of the Ring DVD For Christmas Michael Kent ing alcohol throughout the suite, com- Jerry then asked his mother if he could Michael admitted that it menting on the tasteful interior decora- speak to his father, a self-described "Car Cooper, “really wasn’t as special as she made it tion and excellent choice of beers, tact- Guy," whom Jerry assumed would be roommate of out to be.” Kent, who does not remem- fully avoiding mentioning the pervading more interested in his purchase. self- ber losing his virginity due to an smell of throw-up. "At least no one peed However, his father answered the phone described Everclear watermelon after his high on anything," claimed resident Mike with, "Hey, Jerry, I heard ya got some "fantasy school graduation, says he doesn’t Mott. Ironically, his roomate Jeff then car or something. That's great, son. Your geek" Will understand the importance attached to pointed to Mott's curtains, prompting older brother just got a Supreme Court Carpenter, having sex for the first time. “I don’t Mott to emote, "Mother fuckers!" nomination! I always said my eldest reported remember mine, but I guess it was would really go places. Not to say I did- boredom and okay,” said Kent. “So when Erika made Guitarist Loses Artistic Vision, n't have confidence in you, that is. But annoyance after Carpenter returned from this big deal about it being her first time, Guitar the Supreme Court!" the break with the Lord Of The Rings: and how special it was and stuff, I was No one was The Fellowship Of The Ring DVD. like, 'uh...ok.' It was over in about a more sur- Cooper said that Carpenter "keeps play- minute anyway.” According to prised than ing the wizard fight scene on repeat, Anderson, she has not heard from Kent, guitarist Kirk nonstop. He just keeps saying 'so cool' other than noticing another tick mark in "Weasel- over and over again like a mantra. Thank the tally on his AIM profile. raper" Young God he hasn't called that stupid DVD himself when, ADVERTISE 'his precious.'” Carpenter didn't have Singer Gerardo Seen At Local during a live time to talk when reached for comment, Wal-Mart performance, he was suddenly standing saying he was in the middle of a movie.” Slant writer on stage holding a whip, a fetal pig, and Andrew part of what appeared to have once been Vanderbilt Student Gets Jaw Banecker's order a ventilation duct, but no guitar. Young Wired, Turns to Alcoholism was bagged by a was unable to explain how he came to In a game of former Latino pop be holding those objects, nor was he "snow football" star at Wal-Mart able to explain the title of his newest played on Alumni on Friday, January album, Guacamole Hat. The proceeds of Reach 4000 Readers Lawn, junior 10. "I noticed that the concert were to go to an organization Laurel Staples the nametag of the dedicated to helping kids fight things - Every Issue! accidentally ran guy who was bagging my groceries read things which may or may not have been into sophomore ‘Gerardo.’ Sadly, he was no longer rico cancer. David Sims and or suave," claimed Banecker. Banecker’s broke her jaw. friend Scott allegedly saw Wilford Bookstore Orders One Copy of After having her jaw wired, Staples was Brimley, the Quaker Oats guy, in a Chemistry Book unable to chew and was forced to drink Philadelphia area Wal-Mart nearly three Despite a class enrollment in the hun- all of her food. Within hours, she gave years ago. A crack research team has dreds, the Vanderbilt Bookstore, a fran- up on the process of eating altogether recently been assembled to determine chise of eFollett.com, ordered just one and hit the bottle. Staples told reporters which other washed up celebrities are copy of the textbook, ISBN# at The Slant, "Putting everything in the now greeting, bagging, or managing at 043935806X. As hundreds of students blender just got too tiresome," adding, Wal-Marts. Or at least people who look fought like a pack of wolves for the The Slant "It just seemed natural to start boozing." like them. book, the rabid crowd reduced it to little Connect to Vanderbilt

2 - The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 22, 2003 inside this issue

Al-Qaeda Honors 55 Ashcroft With Lifetime Achievement Award

LeadLead SStoriestories

6 Smiting Creatures FeaturedFeatured thisthis issueissue “Honestly,” says God, “there is no use for penguins” From The Editor 4 Fortnightly Image 4 7 Penis Cuteness Factor America To Convert 7 A Vanderbilt Phenomenon... New Greek Row Bridge 7 Homeless On Ice 8 No Child Left Behind 9 7 Celebrating Roe v. Wade Pickup Line Success 9 Marking The 30th Anniversary Of White Stuff From Sky 10 An Historic Event New Coke Classic 10 Knocked Up And Married 11 8 Satan Tallies Up Souls I Hate Children 12 As Rush Week Ends Horoscopes 13

15 Ask A Raelian On The Cover

Chancellor Gee begins his modelling career by Get The Answers To Your being on the cover of The Slant Questions

January 22, 2003 - www.theslant.net - The Slant - 3 The Slant DAVID BARZELAY

FROM THE EDITOR

Vanderbilt's Source of Random Shit Since 1886 Enjoying All The Cash We Got

310 West Side Row Suite 200L From The School Nashville, TN 37235 Fax 615-343-2756 website www.theslant.net ince Brad doesn't take kindly to me waiting Staff until the last minute (see last issue), I figure

Editor-in-Chief David Barzelay this time I'll go ahead and write my editorial a full Managing Editor Brad Ploeger 48 hours ahead of schedule. I thought I'd let you all Ad Sales Manager Rob Hilton Editors know what's going on in the wonderful world of Dave Biller Robert Saunders Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead The Slant and then make a point I've made before. Copy Editors Melanie Siemens Audrey Peters Contributing Writers SAfter grovelling at the feet of Vanderbilt Student DVDs, download music, pirate stuff, and maybe occasion- Evan Alston Andrew Banecker Communications for a full year, we've finally moved on to ally do layout. Julia Bensfield Tim Boyd Laura Carlson Greg Champoux stage 2 of our plan: milk them for all they're worth. That's Life is pretty good when you've got funding. You don't Diabetus Chris Entzminger right, we're taking their money, and guess where their money have to rely on donations from the Chancellor's wife. Can you Adila Faruk Meredith Gray comes from? You guessed it. AcFee. believe someone as sweet as her would read something as Peter Grant Jacob Grier Richard Green Sean Kelley We are opportunists. No matter how much we disagree offensive as us? It still baffles me. But thanks anyway, Michael Leaming Howard Lee with the whole system of AcFee allocations, we gladly put all Constance. Kate Loveless Zach Norton that aside when it means we're gonna get paid. OK, now I'm getting rambly, so I'm gonna stick to the Ankit Maheshwari Stephanie Schacht Eric Schnapp Beth Steedley You may have noticed there is pair of nearly naked breasts point: why the hell is it so cold here? I don't know. But I do Liz Vennum Judson Wallace on the cover of this issue (pull it out and pin it on your wall!) know that we have a fire in a trashcan in our office keeping Layout Designer Heather Miliman and thought to yourself, "I wonder how they can get away us warm, burning twenty-dollar bills of student money. And Advertising Sales Chris Barbour with that?" Well, since we were just installed as a full division there's nothing you can do about it. Past Editors Joe Wong Mike Mott of VSC, it will be two years before they can remove us, Oh, wait. Yes, there is. Demand AcFee reform, you apa- according to their by-laws! That means we've got two years thetic sheep! Demand that AcFee meetings be open and that Other to do whatever we want, and use their money to fund it. the minutes be published. Demand that students have more Suckers. of a say into where they want their money to go. But no, Submissions Actually, come to think of it, you're all suckers. Giving whoever heard of doing that? It's better to let over $5000 go Editorial submissions are accepted from our your hard-earned money to a horribly offensive publica- into one semester to a publication much of the school would readers; The Slant cannot guarantee the return of any submission, nor can The Slant guarantee tion like this with no say as to content - we used YOUR rather see banned. Anyway, I have to go bask in the glow a response to any submissions. money to obtain an office with two top-of-the-line com- from our new 36-inch plasma screen television, so I must puters and a surround sound system on which to watch Back Issues now say goodbye. „ Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a description of the issue desired (volume number and date, if possible) to the address THE SLANT'S FORTNIGHTLY IMAGE above. Some issues are no longer available. For a back issue please email [email protected].

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4 - The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 22, 2003 lead story

Al-Qaeda Honors Ashcroft With Past Winners Of Al-Qaeda’s Lifetime Lifetime Achievement Award Achievement Award

Attorney General’s devotion to destroying personal liberty 'exemplary,' say terrorists Osama By TIM BOYD was "far too busy undermining 220 years a law which allows them to be arrested bin Laden of hard-fought constitutional freedom" to without any charge or trial, which places WASHINGTON - US Attorney be there. However, numerous members of the power to suspend constitutional rights Established the General John Ashcroft has been given a the audience were willing to defend the at the whim of the executive, and which world-wide al- special Lifetime Achievement Award by Attorney General as a worthy winner of utterly destroys the right to privacy. But Qaeda terrorist Islamic fundamentalist terrorist group al- the award. such is the genius of the man, that he has network. Qaeda, it was announced yesterday. The "It is rare to find anybody in the managed to dress the whole package up honouring of Ashcroft came at the end of Western world who shares our own pas- as being necessary for the protection of al-Qaeda's 14th annual "Global Terror sionate desire to subject free people to the life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and Repression" award ceremony, which arbitrary tenets of fundamentalist reli- – now that shows a touch of class!" was broadcast live on al-Jazeera TV and gion, but Mr. Ashcroft has demonstrated A rare critical voice came from run- Saddam the Fox News Channel. great vigour in attempting to do so in the ner-up Saudi dissident Mohammed Khan, The Lifetime Achievement Award is US," said Sayim al-Bashir. "His total who complained that Ashcroft had an Hussein given to the individual whom al-Qaeda misreading of the Bible, fanatical belief unfair built-in advantage. "It's ridicu- members consider has done the most to in his own infallibility, and arrogant lous," said Khan. "Ashcroft has it so easy Dictator of a further their ultimate goal of "overturning refusal to even countenance the right of – he has the entire US Executive branch fascist regime in the fundamental basis of Western secular others to hold dissenting views represents at his beck and call, a supine media, and the Middle East. society and destroying political liberty what we as an organization have come to a complacent general public. Any wherever it exists." Previous recipients of admire." halfway competent religious fanatic the award have included Osama bin Bin Laden himself commented that could have won in such circumstances. I Laden, Saddam Hussein, Ayatollah "Ashcroft has accomplished far more may not have been able to subvert quite Khomeini, and Geraldo. than we had ever dreamed of, and in such as many natural rights as the Attorney Ashcroft was not able to attend the a short space of time. We never really General, but I'm operating from nothing Ayatollah ceremony himself; his office said that he expected the US public to blindly accept more than a small kebab shop in Riyadh. Khomeini I didn't stand a chance." However, Salim Yousef, who accept- Supreme Leader ed the award on Ashcroft's behalf, felt of an Islamic that the Attorney General had faced a Revolution in the tougher struggle than most. "John Middle East Ashcroft's achievement is all the more remarkable when one considers the diffi- culties facing him in becoming a passion- ate hater of secular freedom," said Yousef. "Born into a white, middle-class family, studying at Yale and becoming a Geraldo lawyer – despite all these obstacles, he Rivera was able to keep alive burning religious fundamentalism. So much so that, when Television he arrived at his moment of truth when he Journalist known lost his Senate re-election bid to a corpse, for his quirky he was able to vent his anger and long- style of reporting pent up frustration on the very system that had forced comfort and affluence upon him. He is a role model to us all." In fact, Khan's reservations notwith- standing, the positive reaction to Ashcroft's success was overwhelming. It Mister is further believed that two firsts have Rogers occurred with this year’s decision - as well as becoming the first US govern- Brain-washed ment official to be recognized for millions of 'Lifetime Achievement', it is also American believed that Ashcroft's triumph marks children the first time a member of the Undead has scooped the award. „

January 22, 2003 - www.theslant.net - The Slant - 5 slant features GOD TO SMITE PENGUINS Aptenodytes forsteri Superfluous Reason for Smiting Have become the fodder for animated films. CREATURES By MEREDITH GRAY Madagascar to "say goodbye to those good-for-nothing lemurs" before they God announced today that as part of are gone. “I plan to begin with all of the His new "down-sizing initiative," intend- animals in Australia, which were created ed to cut Earth's costs in today's stagnant in the first place during a rather nasty economy, He plans to smite all those acid trip that I wholeheartedly regret. creatures He deems as superfluous. The Then I will move onto the unicorn – no, Lord says that He regrets His prior deci- wait, my bad, already took care of that." KANGAROOS sions to create such creatures as the pen- When questioned about the cruelty Bettongia tropica guin, the walrus, and the lemur, citing of his actions, God reportedly stroked “loneliness” and “boredom” as His moti- His long, snowy beard and said, “If you Reason for Smiting vation for creating them in the first haven’t noticed, I haven’t done anything place. really wicked since the Old Testament. Were created during a nasty acid “I know that I, The Creator, have not No rains of sulphur, no floods. It’s about trip which God now regrets. erreth before, but honestly, there are no damn time for a bit of carnage.” When uses for penguins,” the Lord questioned whether His said in a press conference actions could be construed as this morning atop a white, “Honestly, fascist, God said, “Well, I fluffy cloud in Heaven. there are no don’t think so, but if creating “Had I known that these a master race of creatures on creatures would merely uses for Earth can be called fascist, become the fodder for ani- penguins” then I’m guilty as charged.” mated films, I really would Attempting to serve as have rethought this whole -God the voice of reason, Babe the HAMSTERS thing.” pig issued this public state- Among those who are the most out- ment: "We are all His creatures, and even Phodopus campbelli raged at this down-sizing plan are the if we may be a little different, we are all world's zookeepers, who expect large- special in our own unique ways," adding, Reason for Smiting scale layoffs in the next year. God coun- "What right does He have to play God?" Richard Gere uses them for tered that zookeepers "should not have God, on the spot, turned Babe into a strange sexual practices. entered such a lame profession," and will ham sandwich and kicked those mice in most likely "excel at flipping Whoppers the teeth. as much as they did at shoveling crap." Some scientists challenge God’s A representative for the Zookeepers right to eliminate certain species of crea- Union issued a statement declaring that tures, claiming that God did not in fact "Our Lord is acting in a way completely create them when the world began, but irrespective of the rights that both ani- that they “evolved” into their present mals have to life and that humans have to forms from other creatures. “Evolution?” poking and staring at them when they are countered Jehovah, “More like evil- imprisoned in large, metal cages." ution. No, no, I made all of these crea- God issued His own statement, via a tures on, uh, the first or second day or THE IRISH chorus of trumpeting angels, calling the something. You know, near the begin- Homo drunkus Zookeeper's Union "a bunch of hippy ning. So far back that I forgot the tree-huggers, along with those PETA specifics. Yeah.” weirdos. You know, the ones that have After completing Phase One of what Reason for Smiting that chick with the big titties in their God has deemed “Project Ark of Death,” What have they ever done ads... that Baywatch chick." He plans to vacation in the Caribbean for human civilization? The Almighty plans to begin phas- with His long-time companion before ing out certain species in early February, moving on to “daddy-long-legs, ham- giving the world several weeks to enjoy sters, buffalo and the Irish.” „ “the useless bastards,” and especially for

6 - The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 22, 2003 slant features America To Convert To Islam Cold By RICHARD GREEN you know. We might as well just say just become too great. We want back the ‘okay’ to Osama. What’s the difference? I freedoms that we are losing to prevent Weather In response to the continuing threat couldn’t really think of any. The first terrorism, like the freedom to bring nail from remaining al-Qaeda factions, chapter of the Bible and the Qu'ran are clippers on planes and carry guns every- President Bush has asked Congress to the same, anyways. I mean, sure, we where we go. It’s in the Bill of Rights that Raises Penis declare that the United States be convert- won't have Jesus, but hey, we got we have the right to bear arms, so we ed to Islam by February at the latest. The should start bearing in order to defend Cuteness President says that converting to Islam our new fundamentalist faith. Praise will prevent future terrorist attacks, lead- Allah for that.” ing to increased safety for the American "Tell the Americans, Condoleezza Rice, one dissenter, has Factor people. This change will be the latest in a that I want a PS2 been quoted as saying, “Look, whateva long string of measures to stop terrorism honey, I’m CR Ice and I just don’t play By ANDREW BANECKER at any cost. and Vice City, ‘cause wit’ terrorists. I ain't giving no love to The proposal has come as a shock to the previews for that Allah. Yeah, I said it." The recent extended period of cold many Americans, as the United States' Whatever the opinions in weather in Nashville, TN has had former policy was to refuse to listen to game look so badass. Washington, opinions on campus differ unexpected effects on the lives of the demands of terrorists. But, said Bush, Praise Allah.” widely. Vanderbilt freshman Jenny Vanderbilt students. A widespread phe- "If we don't have the freedom to choose Daniels said, “I mean, it’s not like I go to nomenon has permeated the entire our own religion and then force that reli- -Osama bin Laden church at all now anyways. I’m always campus. The use of phrases such as gion on all our people in a totalitarian too drunk on Saturday night to wake up "Awww" and "Isn't that cute" have theocracy, then the terrorists really have Sunday morning. So, um… Praise Allah, been rising drastically as both the size won." Muhammad Ali, and he's one hell of a or whatever.” and girth of Vanderbilt's average man- In an exclusive interview with a boxer. All we got to do is pray a little A brother from an unnamed fraterni- hood have done the opposite. reporter from the New York Times, Osama more and learn Arabic. And, you know, ty on campus has been quoted as saying Initially, guys across campus were bin Laden was asked by a reporter, "Since go on the occasional holy war against “Dude, this is so freakin’ awesome. At leery of unleashing the dragon in front you are now a spiritual leader for the nations that were formerly our allies and first, I was a bit worried, but then I was of females due to the process of shrink- American people, what would you have all. 'Praise Allah.' I can get used to that.” reading my Qu'ran as I will now be age, with some of Vanderbilt's finest us do, oh prophet?" Bush’s Cabinet agrees with him for required by law to do nightly, and I came choosing to abstain from interaction "Tell the Americans," bin Laden the most part. Director of Homeland across this thing about getting 72 virgins. with females altogether. Stated senior answered, "that I want a PS2 and Vice Security Tom Ridge said, “Look, we I mean, all negatives aside, I want in on Jeff Woodhead, "I just couldn't let the City, ‘cause the previews for that game already tried paying billions of dollars for those virgins! Seriously, dude, we’ve run python out of it's cage. I mean, it was look so badass. Praise Allah.” things to make people feel safer. We out of them here and I’m getting sick of so cold outside... well, the little guy Bush, though bin Laden’s arch- already tried asking airline passengers, always getting sloppy seconds. So, hell just couldn't live up to my name." enemy, justified the move by saying, 'Are you a terrorist?' before allowing yeah, Praise Allah.” Now, with the recent revelation “Don’t worry, it will be okay. That Allah them to board. Heck, we even tried giv- Congress will vote on the proposal in that Vandy girls actually find these not- guy, he’s actually the same being as God, ing away our freedoms. But the cost has several weeks. „ to-scale models of our manhood extremely cute, almost irresistible, these students can come out of their Vanderbilt Junior Celebrates Roe v. Wade dorm rooms and into the light once more. Anniversary By Having Abortion According to sophomore and By ROBERT SAUNDERS party back home over Thanksgiving I knew I'd be able to honor the fight of Peabody North resident Jocelyn break. "We went to [Mark] Dunwoody's Jane Roe and those who went before her Meadows, the effects of cold weather Vanderbilt junior Lisa McKay had house that Friday. The old high school for back-alley abortions," said McKay. have quelled her fears and left her now been looking for a way to celebrate the gang was there," said McKay. "It was like Excited as she was, the Vandy coed open for the possibility of sex. "I used 30th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the old times seeing them. I knew I was ovu- almost missed the opportunity to cele- to be afraid of sex. Not because of Supreme Court lating, and I said to myself, 'Who better to brate the date as planned. McKay "called AIDS or babies or other STD's, but the decision father my aborted fetus than these guys two weeks ahead. The clinic said they penis... it frightened me," said acknowledging whom I know and trust?'" were booked for the 22nd [the Roe Meadows, "But now, it's just so cute, a woman's right At that point, she paired off in suc- anniversary date]. But they called back and I'm not afraid anymore. You hear to obtain an cession with three different young men later in the day saying a slot had opened that, Dad? I'm not afraid anymore!" abortion. Then (whose identity she would not reveal) up." With the cold weather deliver- it hit her: Why during the course of the night. "I thought Linda Manning, director of the ing the liberation of Peabody North not get pregnant it might hurt their feelings if they thought Margaret Cuninggim Women's Center at and other purely female residence and have an it was their baby. This gave them a way to Vanderbilt, led a pro-choice rally outside halls, most guys' sex lives have abortion of her avoid the guilt. And it made sure I got the clinic. "We stand uterus-to-uterus improved. "Vandy girls used to get own? some competition among those sperm." with our sisters," shouted Manning to the creeped out and run away as fast as "The right Although she missed her period in assembled crowd. When McKay arrived, they could when I whipped it out in McKay to have an abor- December, she worried that she might not the dozens assembled outside cheered the summer or fall, but now it's like tion is one of the most important and per- be pregnant. "I've had a lot of false wildly. they can't resist it," claimed sonal rights a woman has," said Miss alarms before." But when she started hav- "It was great going in there, high-fiv- Freshman Greg Champoux, adding, McKay. "If we do not exercise our rights, ing morning sickness on the first day of ing everyone. The crowd really got me "It's like having a puppy... but you then we will lose them." classes this semester, she was psyched. "I pumped up," said McKay. "It feels good don't have to feed it." „ Her planned pregnancy started at a ran right out to CVS and got me an EPT. to be active sexually and politically." „

January 22, 2003 - www.theslant.net - The Slant - 7 slant features Vanderbilt Homeless Tough Out Cold Weather By JUDSON WALLACE has been created to relocate the to feed them, we could be dealing with an homeless person sees it, they'll think that Vanderbilt homeless to other areas mim- ‘overpopulation’ of homeless on this area is already taken, and they will Despite the warmth and cheer icking their natural habitats. The group, Vanderbilt. It’s essential that we remove migrate somewhere else." enjoyed by hundreds of residents in their called Vanderbilt Undergraduates for the them while there is still time,” comment- One thing is for certain: while stu- cozy dorms, the recent snows have Positioning of Drifters (VUPD), works ed a VUPD squad member. dents play and frolic in the snow, the caused many problems for the local with the administration, students, and Students had mixed reactions to the homeless live in it. A subspecies of the wildlife. More than five thousand squir- faculty to locate and identify homeless problem. Some groups have built giant homeless population (homo alcoholia) rels, two thousand chipmunks, and sever- people on the Vanderbilt campus and then snowmen as a sort of winter "scarecrow" attempted to create makeshift igloos out al homeless men inhabit the Vanderbilt relocate them to the slums of Nashville, to keep away the homeless people. of the snow. Housing quickly demolished campus and surrounding area. For them, where they can enjoy happy lives "We tried to make it as realistic as them, saying that they were inadequate the cold weather was much more of a scrounging on the leftovers of suburban possible. We put leaves and branches in for the residential college system and challenge. America. the hair to really make him look home- would cause inequality in the dorms. At “Really, no one was prepared for it,” “Sometimes they put up resistance. less," said Christy Hudson, a sorority times like this, it seems that a man just said Jack Johnson. “You just don’t expect They don’t understand that we’re trying spokesperson. "That way, when a live can't catch anymore, can he? „ this much snow in the South.” to help,” commented Mike Garcia, Jack Johnson, one of the homeless VUPD squad member. “Unfortunately, on campus, and a member of one of they don’t understand that we’re only Vanderbilt’s endangered animal groups, caging them to bring them to more fertile felt the effects of the winter snow along areas ... such as the city ghetto.” with the rest of Vanderbilt’s wildlife. “What we are most worried about in Already facing a decreased natural habi- weather like this is how the students tat and reduced breeding grounds from react. Some actually try and get close to campus construction projects, the the homeless people to feed them. But Vanderbilt homeless now have to deal they don’t understand that they are wild with the bitter cold of snow. animals. It’s no different from feeding a “It’s times like this when you all bear or an alligator. All dangerous crea- have to pull together: the squirrels, the tures. The best thing to do if you see one chipmunks, even the birds understand it’s is to call one of us so that we can coerce a matter of survival. We make do with the animal into a more natural habitat.” what we can, sharing the leftovers from Some students feel that the treatment Rand and stealing beer from the frats to of the homeless on the Vanderbilt campus satisfy our alcoholism. It’s not the easiest is inhumane, but VUPD and administra- way of life, but in the wilderness, you tion officials are quick to point out that take what you can.” they are not really human. “They might With the threat of losing the last of look sweet and innocent, but they are such a rare group, a Vanderbilt task force incredibly dangerous. Feeding them only A homeless person eats a meal provided by a student. Staff Photo formed by students and administration attracts others. If student groups continue

The student, who wished to remain ‘leg up,’ if you will. Imagine four years of being left out As Rush Week anonymous, went on to say, "Daddy does "When the rushees put their name on because I'm not in a house... or worse - I it to get what he wants on Wall Street. my binding document, I assist them by could be a Lambda Chi! It was definitely Ends, Satan Why shouldn't I get what I want here?" eliminating all those obnoxious, unique worth it to make this deal with Mr. she asked innocently, continuing, "I character traits they have that keep them Lucifer." Tallies Up have, like, a trillion-generation legacy from fitting in with the Greeks on cam- The tradition of students trading for DG, but there's no way in hell I'm pus. Their chances of acceptance are eternity in hell for the house of their going to pledge increased tenfold, choice goes back generations, but seems Souls there! I mean, I especially if they to be unique to Vanderbilt. When the have some self- “This year, the number sign over a friend or practice first began, students rushing Greek life is a very important part of respect! I want to be family member's were dubious of selling their immortal many Vandy students' social lives. a Tri-Delt. All I had of newly-damned soul also, which is a souls, but after Gertrude Culpepper got Because of the to do was sign some Vanderbilt freshmen bargain for my into Kappa Delta in spite of her lisp and selectivity of cer- papers and swear on assistance in assimi- obvious acne problem, Satan started get- tain houses, some my immortal soul surpassed all our lating their looks in ting more business than the guy who sold students have thingie. And I'm addition to their per- drugs out of the Munchie Mart. gone so far as to in!" expectations” sonality. When "Yep. I love visiting Greek row, sell their souls to The Lord of the - The Prince of bland AND beauti- where I own more souls than at any give them an Underworld rushed ful, how could any given Manson concert," His Sinfulness edge on the com- to clarify that, even Darkness house resist my declared, adding, "It's beautiful. Just petition. after signing the clients?" beautiful." As one stu- contracts, the SAE hopeful Mr. Lucifer said his next business dent said, "I'd rushees, while obligated to spend eterni- Steve Piedmont agrees, reasoning, "That venture would involve accepting souls in Satan have done any- ty in the pit of fire, were not guaranteed whole eternity thing happens only one exchange for victory in football, but thing to get into Tri-Delt. Including a to make it into the house of their choice. time, you know, but I'm going to have to refused to say which Nashville college little 'insider trading.'" "This just gives them a better chance, a live on this campus for four whole years. team he had in mind. „

8 - The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 22, 2003 slant features Bus Driver Fired For Leaving Child Behind By TIM BOYD clearly an un-American American. Unless he, and other like-minded people, After lengthy consultations with the are stopped, we will have to suffer the Education Department and under direct consequences of being a nation governed pressure from President Bush, the Cook by educationally dysfunctional simple- County, Illinois school board has tons." announced that it has fired David Mrs. Thompson welcomed the O'Leary, a bus driver for the Chicago actions of the President and the Central High School. The incident which Education Department in forcing sparked O'Leary's dismissal occurred O'Leary's sacking. "It was definitely the shortly before Christmas when he did not right thing to do," she said. "For some collect Richard Thompson from his usual years now, Dicky's grades have been get- stop at Mapleton and Howard, allegedly ting worse and I have been looking for because Thompson was not there on time. someone to blame. It's now quite clear When Thompson did arrive at the that it was the unthinking and selfish to be done "in the name of national secu- light. In the early years of the Clinton stop, he saw the bus had departed and set actions of an overpaid public servant that rity," the board backed down and agreed administration he repeatedly not only off in pursuit, but was unable to catch it. were responsible." to remove O'Leary. asked, but frequently told, and during a Thompson's mother reported the incident Staff and students at Central High In his defense, O'Leary claimed that spell of unemployment in the mid-1990s to the Education Department, which had mixed reactions. Some felt that he had been waiting for Thompson that O'Leary persisted on living off welfare as declared that O'Leary's actions were in O'Leary had been harshly treated, while morning, but that after being there for we knew it, despite several threatening direct contradiction to the Bush adminis- others felt that Thompson was the victim "damn near 15 minutes," had decided that letters from the Department of Health, tration's stated policy to 'leave no child of the case. All agreed that Thompson is it was more important to get the students Education and Welfare. Since the election behind.' very much a "typical" student for the to class on time. Dismissing this explana- of George W. Bush, O'Leary has further- When informed of the incident, a school. "Richard Thompson is the very tion, a senior Education Department offi- more proved unable to co-exist peaceful- furious President Bush addressed the model of an American high school stu- cial sneered, "Well, he would say that, ly with fish and stubbornly refused to nation directly from the Oval Office. Said dent," agreed Central High School head- wouldn't he? It only suggests he has work for a healthier America. Bush, "Learning education is the founda- master Frank Gianetti. "He is ignorant, something to hide." Informed of O'Leary's previous tion out of which the cornerstone of our lazy, often high as a kite, surly, abusive, a The FBI later revealed that this is not record, Mrs. Thompson said it only nation is created. My administration is menace to staff, and armed to the teeth the first time that O'Leary has been in strengthened her conviction that she had committed to correctifying the dismal with various weapons and weapon para- trouble for violating US government pol- been right to raise the matter. "If he had academic performances of our national phenalia." icy. In the Reagan era, O'Leary refused to gotten away with this, others would have young people through a series of banal School board officials were at first live in a shining city on a hill, saying he been at liberty to similarly subvert platitudes and lazy generalizations, of reluctant to act, saying that O'Leary had preferred the starry skies of the country. American values, then the terrorists real- which the 'leave no child behind' sound- been a reliable employee for the best part But when George H. Bush took office, he ly would have won and we might as well bite is a fundamentalist part. Mr. O'Leary of five years. But when the Education moved back to the city so he wouldn't have all become towel-heads and started has tried to sabotage this policy, and is Department claimed that something had have to look at those thousand points of flying planes into buildings." „

else," said Saffron. "I mean, damn, she just as confused. "I have trouble believ- said that she was "not sure she remem- Pickup Line was hot, too. Shit like that never happens ing the accounts as they were given," bered it." to me in real life. Thank God for alco- commented Leghorn. "Pickup lines that "My friends told me he was cute, Successful hol!" lame never work on students. At least, though," said Reid. Reid also said she "What the fuck, man," said Saffron's not in my experience. My intensive stud- plans on drinking again next weekend, roommate Kevin Blutarsky. "I try that on ies tend to show that it takes a little bit of and possibly even “getting laid Sociologists Baffled a girl, she slaps me ten ways from sweet-talking and some Everclear to get again.” „ Sunday, and not in the good way. Not a hot sophomore in the sack." By JEFF WOODHEAD only that, he's a total loser, too." Saffron Women's Studies professor Karen replied that Blutarsky was "just pissed Goodmyn was alarmed, saying, "This According to several witnesses, a off about having to sleep on the couch." has severe ramifications, not only for the male Vanderbilt student successfully Sociology professor Micah woman victimized by this crude man, but used a "pickup line" last weekend. Sutherland was also baffled by the occur- also for the entire female gender." The student, junior Joseph Saffron, rence, saying, "It's truly disturbing that Continued Goodmyn, "If she can be reportedly went up to sophomore Jessica such an occurrence could transpire in seduced so easily by the wiles of mas- Reid at Wolfy's and said, "I want to today's society. That's thirty years of culinity, what does that say about the rest rearrange the alphabet so I can put 'U' research on intergender relations out the of us?" Goodmyn also added that Reid and 'I’ together." Reid, who asked to window. Ruined! Just gone, gone with would most likely be "scarred for life by remain unidentified, replied, "Only if I the wind! Now I'm going to have to go such an encounter with the Dark Side. come first." The two students left the bar out and research something... some- Womyn can't be seen consorting with almost immediately. It is not known thing... useful! Oh God..." Sutherland men." Finally, continued Goodmyn, "It whether the two students exchanged proceeded to break down and bawl just goes against everything we've fought names before exchanging fluids. uncontrollably. for." Saffron gets his groove on. "I was just as amazed as everybody His colleague, Robert Leghorn, was When asked about the incident, Reid Staff Photo

January 22, 2003 - www.theslant.net - The Slant - 9 slant features

Mysterious White Substance Coca-Cola Introduces 'New Descends From The Skies Coke Classic' Terrorists Suspected fun to play in.” Classic Coca-Cola Classic company has been losing market share The dangerous effects of the pow- slated for '04 to its chief rival Pepsi, particularly in the By BEN STARK dery white substance led Dr. Watson to highly coveted youth market. Pepsi's label the substance Serious Neurotoxin success has been keyed by its associa- “The sky is falling, the sky is Obliterating Wisdom (SNOW). By ROBERT SAUNDERS tion with popular young celebrities like falling!” With these words, Jerry In addition to its own bio- Britney Spears. Simpson, a raving lunatic on the logical effects, this SNOW The Coca-Cola Company has This economic downturn harkened sidewalk, announced the arrival of seems to be mixing with announced plans to terminate its Coca- back to a previous challenge by Pepsi a suspicious white powdery sub- another chemical known to Cola Classic line. In its place, the com- based on the same model: a young stance that descended from the sky be derived internationally pany will unveil "New Coke Classic" in singer-dancer named Michael Jackson on Nashville last Thursday. Mr. from cyanide. This a move designed to quench America's had swept the nation by storm with his Simpson was eventually returned to International Cyanide thirst for sweetened carbonated bever- multi-platinum Thriller album and his office in the Philosophy department, Extract (ICE) mixed with ages and nostalgia. wooed consumers over to Pepsi. but the substance he observed soon SNOW to make the ground extremely Coca-Cola, the world's largest soft Coke counter-attacked by abandon- spread over all of Nashville, prompting slippery, a reaction known in scientific drink company, will launch its campaign ing its original formula for a new cola fears of a terrorist attack. circles as the “banana peel effect.” “This during this week's Super Bowl. The product, New Coke, which tasted sur- The serious effects is clearly a terrorist test case for this new company has paid $11.6 million for four prisingly like Pepsi. "It was an ingen- the substance had on weapon,” said NATO General Tommy 30-second spots spaced throughout the ious strategy," said Emma Kessler, who the citizens of Franks. “Imagine if SNOW and ICE game. has chronicled Coke's modern advertis- Nashville later con- were used on the battlefield; it would The re-release of New Coke is part ing history in his book, Coke Is It. "The firmed these fears. immobilize our troops! On the other of a larger plan to accelerate the compa- public outcry at the dismissal of a long- Vanderbilt biologist Dr. hand, it is damn fun to play on. Look, ny's nose dive to the cherished cultural Francis Watson I can slide across it! Wheeeeee!” bottom of its busi- icon created an explained, “The day after The theory that SNOW is a biologi- ness cycle. At that existential crisis in being exposed to this substance while cal toxin is not without its detractors. “I time, the company the hearts - and wearing sandals and thin clothing, many told you the sky is falling, dammit!” said will re-launch the kidneys - of Vanderbilt students caught a cold. This the philosopher/lunatic Coca-Cola Classic Americans. leads us to believe it is a biological Simpson. “It’s all in my line under the name Immediately the toxin that is absorbed through the book, entitled Holy Classic Coca-Cola clamor began for skin. Although it is damn fun to play Shit, The Sky Is Falling Classic. the old Coke." in.” and Other Drug- The company's Beverage The substance also eliminated all Induced Insights, ads will use the old industry analysts common sense in Nashville’s driving which is on sale now in "Catch the Wave" anticipate that the public. “I tried to drive home after lunch the bookstore. On a side slogan from the pre- strategy will propel when that stuff started coming from the note, the collapsing remains vious campaign and the soft drink man- sky,” said local attorney Maynette of the sky are damn fun to play in… on feature many retro ufacturer to its tra- Branyan. “But the second it hit my head weed!” elements. Foremost ditional position of all I could think was 'stop and go traf- Three-year-old Alyson Chandler among those ele- market dominance. fic… must cause stop and go traffic.' It proposed yet another theory: “My Daddy ments is the reap- Said Merrill Lynch must have affected everybody, because says it’s just God’s Shaving Cweam after pearance of the analyst Lewis we all started having accidents at once. It a cold shower.” Miss Chandler then whis- computer-animated Brunner, "Putting took me two freakin’ pered, “but I think it’s weally God’s veejay and sitcom 'classic' in the hours to drive home Dandwuff.” star, Max name twice is a four miles. Still, I She added: “It’s vewy fun to pway Headroom. "I've double-whammy. gotta admit, when I in.” just been selling If you're investing got home it was damn Still, Dr. Watson’s fears of a terror- insurance for the in the consumer ist weapon were confirmed when Slant last twelve years in beverage market, Editor-in-Chief David Barzelay was Toronto, so I figured what the heck," Coke is my triple-dipple lock of the caked in SNOW and cryo- said Matt Frewer, who played Max. year. genically frozen. "Americans are the most compul- "In one year they will create nostal- No word yet on sively nostalgic people in the world," gia for an unpopular beverage, gain a possible antidotes said Kim Clarke, head of the creative boost in sales, and then get people 400 21st Avenue South for the toxin or team at Ogilvy & Mather that developed stoked for the arrival of 'Classic Coca- (Next to Starbucks) where and when the the new spots. "America has been heavy Cola Classic' and absorb the windfall terrorists will next into Reagan-era kitsch for several years from that product." 327-0220 launch an attack, but now, and it's ready for second-term Adds Ms. Kessler, "The true genius 11am-8pm daily atmospheric conditions Reagan stuff. Nothing epitomizes that is that they can drag this strategy out “Good for you” seem favorable for such an assault. The more than New Coke. It's a no-brainer." anytime they experience such a down- University has urged its students to be on The switch comes in response to turn in sales. Just keep adding the word fax: 327-0645 their guard, encouraging them to wear sluggish sales and depressed earnings classic to their products and voila, prob- their heaviest protective suits outside. „ for the Atlanta-based company. The lem solved." „

10 - The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 22, 2003 slant features All I Want Is To Get Knocked Up And Married

By MEREDITH GRAY cracking, I mean having unprotected sex. year of high school. I even took those is, but I have a feeling it’s not as good as Let me put it this way – my father is “sensuality” lessons in Amsterdam as a a womb full of embryos and a five-tiered In a simpler time, I would not have not paying $40,000 every year for me to high school graduation gift from my par- wedding cake. had to make such a desperate plea. At the get book-learning, per ents. All building toward The stress of this has driven me to first sign of my burgeoning womanhood, se. I am twenty these four years, the alcohol. I thought it would enhance my my father would have bartered me off to years old, not homestretch of get- chances of getting pregnant, but it’s not a man of wealth, high standing, and ade- swollen with child, Marry me. In the ting preggers and adding to my attractiveness in 9 a.m. quate sperm count. It's almost humorous no Tiffany’s name of all things hitched. Not sure classes, which I have been going to in the that I now am forced to beg to have such Lucida cut dia- about marriage? hopes that the smart boys who plan to be a desire fulfilled. mond solitaire on sacred, let me be a That's ok, I can get rich might attend the early ones. I think As my grandmother says, it should my finger. As the successful woman pregnant first; my I’m even starting to lower my standards. be as implicit to my future as squirrels are sun sets on my dad may not have a I took a long glance the other day at a guy to Kentucky Fried Chicken. I didn’t quite glowing, baby-mak- shotgun, but he has a who was driving a Ford Focus. make sense of that whole phrase; I just ing prime, I feel that I have failed as a Fortune 500 company and a team of So I’d like to ask that you keep my patted her on the head and spoon-fed her woman. What is wrong with this picture? lawyers. Yeah, that’s right. And he knows plight in your hopes and prayers. Picture some more oatmeal, but not before she I have three semesters until I earn my people. People who know the banks of me sitting in front of the Christmas tree swung at me with her paddle and B.S., which stands for “bull shit” because the East River at 4 a.m., if you know what with my family, my mother pinching and demanded that I “have one in the oven” I won't be coming out with the M-R-S I mean. twisting my forearm, reminding me how before her funeral. She’s not dead yet, but degree for which I've been striving. I’m about one period away from nice the pitter patter of little feet running according to my mother it’s scheduled for What the hell am I doing wrong? I wearing tear-away pants to a frat party. I through our Malibu beach house would February 7th, 2003. This means that I bleach my hair. I wax my legs. I got a have a finite number of eggs you know. I sound. Picture my father looking sternly need to get cracking, and when I say nose job (deviated septum, ha!) my junior also have a finite number of years that I’ll over the tops of his glasses, handing me look good in a tennis skirt at the country folders with 8x10 glossies of prospective club without cosmetic enhancement. At suitors, middle-aged men with names like My New Boyfriend Loves Me For My Brain Thanksgiving, I heard some whispering Sheldon. Please help me. Knock me up. amongst my cousins about my predica- Marry me. In the name of all things By GIRLFRIEND OF A ZOMBIE very eager to meet my family and friends. ment. They think that I might be a “les- sacred, let me be the successful woman All the other guys I've dated always bian.” Do they think I'm from Lesbia or I’ve always hoped I could be. „ All my other boyfriends have been dreaded meeting my family, but he said something? I’m not sure what a “lesbian” all into my body. I mean, my perfectly that someone with my mind must have shaped D-cup breasts and long, smooth quite a family, and he couldn't wait to legs turn heads wherever I go. Do you meet them. He said if their brains were know how demeaning it is to open up anything like mine, he was sure he'd love your heart to a guy only to look up and them (it seems that he can be a bit intel- THETHE POWERPOWER find him staring down at your chest? lectually elitist sometimes, but no mat- Guys have just always seemed to care ter). more about my looks than what I had to He always makes me feel so good, OFOF PORNPORN say. But my new boyfriend is different. the way he shows such interest in every- He loves me for my brain. thing I have to say. He tells me he craves From the first time we met, I could to see what's inside my head. Isn't that tell he wasn't like the other guys. He didn't ogle my ample cleavage, or try to monopolize the conversa- tion by talking all about himself - in fact he doesn't talk much at all, but when he does he always has something really special and sweet to say. I remember our first date. He took me out to TIREDTIRED OFOF PRETENDINGPRETENDING dinner, and told me to order whatever I wanted, SHE WANTS YOU? but he didn't even eat any- SHE WANTS YOU? thing. He just sat and watched me eat, saying he The young woman (right) and her boyfriend. just wanted to sit back Staff Photo MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2003 and explore my mind. It was such a refreshing display of consid- sweet? I feel like I can totally just be 8PM LANGFORD AUDITORIUM eration and interest. Right then I knew myself when I'm around him and he'll SPONSORED BY IFC, PANHEL, SOUL2SOUL, that he was something special. accept me and still love me just as much. AND CAMPUS CRUSADE FOR CHRIST He told me the other day that he was Not for my body, but for my mind. „

January 22, 2003 - www.theslant.net - The Slant - 11 slant features If You Can't Get Sophomores... I Hate Children What Rob Hilton neglected women. Hey now, before you vomit, just Sometimes, they just need ly a bad thing to be a smoker. And now to tell you think for a bit. There are multiple benefits to be corrupted. even little kids are talking trash. I want- to nailing the elderly. 80-year-old women ed to walk over to that little kid and By ANDREW BANECKER don't get even close to the same amount show him just how bad I could be. (No, You know those little kids that walk of attention that freshman or sophomore not that, you're disgusting. He was a lit- around campus all the time? Yeah, those Let's be honest here. We all know girlies do, and even then, your competi- tle kid, for Christ’s sake). I settled for ones, the ones from inner city schools that none of you freshman guys are get- tion is some geriatric dude with kidney strategically placing a cigarette next to a who are brought to Vanderbilt so they ting with any of the freshman girls. This stones wearing Sansabelt slacks and book of Dragon Ball Z stickers in his lit- can form a dream or something. I think is an established fact. You know it, they orthopedic shoes who watches Matlock tle knapsack. the point is that they will develop an know it, even your mom knows it. To and enjoys Bingo Night. So when some I don't know why I was suddenly urge to pursue higher education because help alleviate the pain of your current young stud like yourself sidles over to her overwhelmed by this urge. Perhaps it they got to tour the bookstore. sexual misadventures, Rob Hilton, sexual walker and asks her to dance the was the teacher, who was looking lech- Anyway, I was walking to the mail- healer, attempted to provide the solution Jitterbug, you'll replace 'pill time' as her erously at the boy in question. Maybe it room so that I could pursue one of my by directing your collective penises to favorite part of the day. was the fact that I hate innocence. favorite pasttimes. This, of course, being Peabody campus, home of the sopho- Once she realizes you still have your Of course, those aren't the only that I like to open mores in a highly controversial article in prostate and can drive a car, she'll be annoying children all of the mailbox- last month's issue of The Slant. opening up those cottage cheese thighs in on campus. I real- es that were left But let's face it, you're way too no time. And in 80 years of womanhood, ly really hate it unlocked and then drunk, lazy, and ugly to make that work. she's going to know her way around the when people bring close them, turn- I was deeply Also, for some reason, sophomores are bedroom. All you need to do is sit back their little brothers ing the knob and impossible to find. If you're not a sopho- and absorb the knowledge. enjoying my Camel and sisters to visit thus forcing more yourself, you just don't know any. Tired of the hassle involved with them. Although I embarrassment on Turkish Gold, And who in their right mind is going to using a condom? Well, even the skankiest certainly enjoyed the owner of the walk all the way over to Peabody and sophomore on campus would still proba- relishing in deep leaving this one box when he can't wait outside North Hall until a choice bly require you to bag your groceries girl who had to be get his mail due to drags and that piece of 2nd year, post-freshman-15, before waving you in. But with the shuf- about thirteen the fact that he has more cushion for the pushin' ass chooses fleboard playing Blue Hairs, you have no ash taste. alone at the DKE no idea in hell to wander outside, let alone believe that such concerns. They have been through house one Friday what his combina- by simply standing there like a douche, menopause, so you can't knock 'em up, night. And the fac- tion is. you will become irresistible to Peabody and since they're damn near dead already, ulty children are On the way, I poon? they don't worry about diseases. the worst. If I want was deeply enjoying my Camel Turkish OK, sorry... take the gun out of your Speaking of death, treat your old lady to throw flaming dog shit onto a dean's Gold, relishing in deep drags and that mouth, your life is not over, for there is right and she might just leave you a cou- porch, I certainly don't want to do it with ash taste, when I passed in front of a big one highly overlooked group of ladies ple grand or a house in her will. Also, I some snot-nosed little kid staring at me group of those little inner-city kids. One who are both easy, attainable, and sexual- couldn't imagine a bigger ego boost than out the window. He might just run and of them cried out, "Uh-oh, look, she's ly knowledgable. Now, you might have to hearing, "I think you broke my hip!" dur- tell Daddy who he saw. So the only solu- smoking!" To which his teacher take a few shots of Jose Cuervo before ing sex. tion is to lure the kid out of the house responded, "Yes, she is. She is a very you hear my solution, so I'll wait. OK, Still can't fathom why you would (those West Side Row places are so easy bad girl," before walking a little bit got a little buzz working yet? Good... want to do this? Well, think about this: to get to) with a bag of hard candy and a faster to get away from me. because the answer to all of your prob- her teeth can come out. Enough said. „ kitten, and then make the little kid throw lems lies in the oversized panties of older All I wanted to do was scream out the bag of firey poo. That's when it real- "I love me some cigarettes!" Or maybe ly gets interesting. "All the cool kids smoke!" Something Maybe I just want to destroy a like that. Whatever happened to good young mind. And maybe, just maybe, it old fashioned peer pressure? Ever since was the vodka I had for breakfast. „ they took Joe Camel off TV, it's sudden-

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Old people need loving too. Staff Photo

12 - The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 22, 2003 slant features

Aroundtheloop HOROSCOPES What do you think about the snow? Michael Lippy, Junior ºººº "I haven't been this excited since the last time I got to make a snow angel, and really that was just me lying on the floor pushing around beer cans and my roommate's vomit... but I was just smashed enough to be excited about that, too. Dude! I wanna go sledding!"

Dana Peters, Freshman ºººº "Shit.. I just threw my cell phone at some guy instead of this snowball. And now my ear is full of snow. Well, I've had worse in there."

Kerry Bradway, Senior Aries: (March 21—April 19) Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23) ºººº After starting your own line of men’s undergarments You pay the $500 charge to enter racecar driving “Yeah, my boyfriend’s making a based on an ancient Venetian art of tailoring for opti- school, finally satisfying your lifelong desire to walk snowman, and he told me to get a mal comfort and support, you realize that you just around in that place inside the track where all the scarf, some rocks to make the put your heart and soul into a pair of underwear. RVs are. mouth and eyes, and a carrot for the nose... but what I can’t figure Taurus: (April. 20—May 20) Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21) out is why he wanted me to get this banana. Should I be concerned?” Misconstruing your flight attendant’s smiles and You will make your big break into country music interest in your comfort as something more, you fly when you break into Faith Hill’s mansion. into an uncontrollable fit of rage when she continues down the aisle and you find out that you’re ‘not the Michael Hampton, Freshman Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21) only one.’ Sitting in your seat on the new Superman roller ºººº coaster, having the ride of your life, an untimely Gemini: (May 21—June 21) stroke on the second inversion takes away that life. “I feel like a kid again!! Building Gaining a new lease on life, you will be able to bal- But before you go, you enjoy your last sight, a bril- snow igloos and having snowball ance your monthly payments without having that liant sunset and a distant cityscape only partially fights and sledding!! It’s just like mortgage hanging over your head. Wait, nevermind. blocked by your own zero-G suspended vomit. childhood except with less awk- ward moments with my nympho- That's a new lease on your house, not your life. maniac aunt and more snow.” Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19) Cancer: (June 22—July 22) You realize that, like a manatee, just because you’re It’s true. Lesbians just don’t like you. unique doesn’t mean you’re anything special.

Lisa Collins, Freshman Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22) Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18) You will become resigned to the fact that PETA has You still won’t be able to convince anyone that ºººº no sense of comedic irony when you ceremoniously you’re a hypochondriac. release the rodents lined up for scientific testing in a “Wow... so this is what snow is like. Y’know, I’ve never seen snow falcon reserve and the next day are informed that you Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20) cause I’m a Texas girl!! I’m having made ‘the list.’ You finally perfect your coffee-making skills so that so many firsts!!! Finally... one I you are not only able to make the ‘perfect cup of cof- won’t regret by the end of the Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) fee’ but also carry that air of sophisticated detach- week...” It takes an extraordinary person to overcome the ment wielded only by the elite coffee stand workers adversity and obstacles that will come your way over and, to a lesser extent, the busboys. the next few years. You are not that person.

January 22, 2003 - www.theslant.net - The Slant - 13 nchucke shepherd’sws of the weird Lead Stories known as "spurious rounding" when con- the town was forced to comply with Update verting bust and rib-cage size to bra size German law and give the zookeeper six A Montana district judge ruled in January (December). And studies at Jikei months' severance pay. Florida, after a 4-3 decision of the state that for a homicide suspect with apparent University (Tokyo) found that people Supreme Court in January, became the multiple personalities, exercise of a who employed seven rules for good New York City criminal court judge latest state to rule that a man who initial- Miranda right by one of them carries over health (e.g., adequate sleep, no smoking) Gerald Harris ruled in October that drug ly agrees to pay child support until age 21 to all the others. Tessa Haley lawyered up had about 6 percent higher blood pressure suspect Vincent Cooper's rights were vio- cannot shed that obligation just because when police sought to question her about than people who were not so concerned lated when a police officer pinched his he subsequently proves by DNA testing the stabbing death of her roommate, and about their health (October). cheeks, causing four bags of marijuana to that he could not be the kid's father. Cathy though police questioning ceased, Haley fall out. The arresting officer had asked Anderson had told police officer Michael transformed into "Martha" and sponta- Latest Rights Cooper what he was doing in a notorious Anderson twice that she was sure the kid neously confessed to the crime, according drug neighborhood, and when Cooper was his, after which he agreed to pay to officers. Judge Thomas Honzel ruled Australian Supreme Court Justice Barry allegedly mumbled an answer, the officer $8,000 a year in support, but after the that Martha's statements could not be O'Keefe rejected the challenge of a drug- attempted to clear Cooper's mouth so he DNA test, he claimed that her assurance used against Haley (although Haley is possession suspect in November that his could understand him. constituted "fraud," a claim that the still free under existing law to argue that rights had been violated during his arrest. Supreme Court thus rejected. she is not responsible for Martha's crime). Contrary to the suspect's contention, People Different O'Keefe said that when Rocky the police From Us Also, in the Last Among the fashions introduced at the dog nuzzled the suspect's crotch, it was Month... seasonal shows in Milan, Italy, in January merely a "social gesture" that dogs habit- The Boston Globe profiled homeless was British designer Vivienne ually do, rather than an indecent assault. philosopher Donald Keaney, 61, in Officials in Rankin Inlet, on the north Westwood's "Man" collection, featuring December, describing his Walden-like male-only items with frilly cuffs and In November, convicted Hawthorne, shore of Hudson Bay in Canada's existence in the woods near Brookline, Northwest Territories, began installation sleeves and bonnet-like scarves, along Calif., rapist Jaime Garcia Padilla, 42, Mass. Keaney lives under a plastic tarp, with tight, knit sweater sets and jumpers lost his state appeals court case in which of an artificial ice rink because rising warmed by several heavy blankets, but temperatures in the last three decades worn over male models' fake breasts. he had argued that his girlfriend had the rest of his possessions consist of Westwood (a pioneer of punk clothing in unlawfully seized his sperm for testing. have reduced hockey season from nine about 10 years' worth of newspapers months to five. And a female murder vic- the 1970s) said her design had something The girlfriend's sister had claimed that it (New York Times, New York Daily News, to do with "how men are so attached to was Padilla who had awakened her at tim was identified (even though her body New York Post, Wall Street Journal, had been dismembered) when the coroner the breast of their mother, a symbol of night and raped her in the dark, and Investors Business Daily, Boston Globe eternal warmth." Padilla's girlfriend needed to find out if checked the serial numbers on her breast and Boston Herald) that are methodically implants (Nottinghamshire, England). Padilla was the one. She had consensual filed and sealed in plastic bags and strewn Readers' Choice sex with Padilla and turned in his sperm And the town council of Bend, Ore., for- around the ground as if they were chairs mally prohibited spitting and defecating to authorities, and it was indeed matched and tables. Keaney, a political conserva- to both women. California's 2nd District on its transit buses, as well as riders who Michael Brown, 33, was arrested in tive, also attends protests, lectures and emanate "a grossly repulsive odor." Marked Tree, Ark., in January and Court of Appeal ruled that Padilla, not concerts, and, by the way, has long been charged with burglarizing the lobby of having "express(ed) any further interest" the beneficiary of a trust fund which he the Marked Tree Bank after security cam- in his semen at the time that he ejaculat- has chosen so far to ignore. "Living in the Undignified Deaths eras caught him hauling away a clock ed with the girlfriend, "basically lost all woods, you can see life is very tragic," he radio, a CD player and a handful of Dum- possessory interest in (it)," and cited Roe told the Globe. "I don't know if I'm a mis- A man acting as a tree-sitter (to discour- Dum suckers, which the bank has on v. Wade as legal authority. anthrope, but (people) have a lot of limi- age logging operations) in woods south hand for customers' children. The next tations." of San Jose, Calif., fell out of the tree and morning, according to the Arkansas A family court judge in White Cloud, was killed (October). And a 55-year-old Mich., ruled in November for Kristin Democrat-Gazette, police followed a trail Unclear on the Concept man fell to his death from a hotel railing of Dum-Dum wrappers down Frisco Hanslovsky, who in a child-custody dis- as he was reaching for documents that pute had tried to prevent her ex-husband, were being blown away by the wind Street, across the railroad tracks, and into Police in New Britain, Conn., confiscated the mobile home park where Brown lives. Jonathan Fowler (a member of the Native (Cebu, Philippines, October). And a 72- American Church of the Morning Star), a 50-foot-long pile of stolen items in year-old man accidentally fell to his death from letting their 4-year-old son use pey- November, the result of a ritual scavenger Latest Cutting-Edge from a cliff at Buck's Pocket State Park in ote in ceremonies at the church. Fowler hunt of the Canettes, New Britain High Alabama as he thrust into the air the ashes Research said the 4-year-old should decide for him- School's all-girl marching band drill of his recently deceased son (October). self if he wanted to use peyote, which team. According to The Hartford A study by psychology professor Barry Fowler personally credited for helping Courant, police, parents and school per- Jones (Glasgow University) found that overcome his own alcoholism and to sonnel were flabbergasted that 42 nor- (Send your Weird News to Chuck men and women who have had three "come into contact with God." mally law-abiding girls could wantonly Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL beers perceive people of the opposite sex steal so many items in a single evening, 33679 or [email protected] or as 25 percent more attractive than they The town of Recklingshausen, Germany but the girls apparently sincerely had a go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.) did before they started drinking (August). (near Cologne), which operates a zoo, hard time believing that they had done And, writing in the Journal of Clothing, found out in November that it could not anything wrong. Said one girl, who COPYRIGHT 2003, CHUCK SHEP- Science and Technology, a Southampton summarily fire its zookeeper, even helped pull a mailbox out of the ground, HERD. DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVER- University (England) physicist found that though it had caught him barbecuing and "I just thought it was a custom ... kind of SAL PRESS SYNDICATE. 4520 Main many women wear the wrong-size bra eating seven of his animals (five Tibetan like a camaraderie thing (and) if the sen- St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932- because retailers commit a math error mountain chickens and two sheep from iors said it was OK and they were in 6600 Cameroons). After a labor court hearing, charge, then it was OK."

14 - The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 22, 2003 former back page features

Bastard Confession Ask A Raelian Dear Rael, effort. Food will be brought to them, The Penis Mightier I believe in spreading love to the many and the most beautiful male and and not the few, but my current wives female companions will surround By RICHARD GREEN are not enough. If I swipe some DNA them and exist only to bring them from one of them, could you make me pleasure. So, yeah... I could cook you Okay, fine, I'll go ahead and say it. Although I am a full-grown black another? It would sure be easier than up a few Olsen twins in about a week. man, the truth is I don’t have a huge penis. That's right, not all black peo- flying out to Utah every time I need a Rael ple have giant genitalia and I'm one of them. I don’t think I’m alone in replacement. Thanks bunches, Dear Rael, my race either. It’s quite possible many of us lack Mandingo sized penis- Bow Tied in Branscomb If you cloned yourself, and had sex es. It is depressing just writing this down, but the truth would get up and with that clone, would that make you come out eventually in some sort of social situation. A mere nine inch- Dear Bow Tied, gay? es... nine inches of pure despair. No, I don't mean a limp nine inches or All are welcome to join in the miracle Richie in Kissam nine inches when it's cold or I've just gotten out of water. And size does of cloning, provided they have hun- dreds of thousands of dollars, but Dear Richie, matter to all the Vandy girls I've ever met. Well, I’ll go burn my tight might I suggest studying the message Woah, that's a brain buster. The teach- jeans. No more bust or sock stuffing for me. It's time for me to stop liv- of the Elohim? For those who are ings of the Elohim never touched that ing a lie and just admit to the world that I only have a nine-inch penis. enlightened are rewarded with eternal subject. OK... think, Rael, think. life through cloning on the planet of Hmm... maybe, but I guess it could the Elohim, and may have as many also be masturbation. lovers as they desire. Seriously. Rael Rael Dear Rael, I paid way too Dear Rael, Stop calling yourself Are you part of the same Rael. Your real name is cult that John Travolta is Claude Vorilhon. Why much for an in? don't you just quit all of Confused in Curry this aliens and clones ad in another nonsense and come Dear Confused, home? Do you even No, I am the prophet and know the pain you are student paper founder of the Raelians, causing for your mother whereas John Travolta is and me? a Scientologist. We Rael Mr. Vorilhon believe that long ago, the Elohim, scientifically superior extra- Dear Mr. Vorilhon, I should have terrestrials, descended upon the Earth On the 13th of December 1973, I, then and created all things using DNA and French journalist Claude Vorilhon, natural elements present here. They was contacted by a visitor from anoth- advertised in specifically created Man in their er planet and asked to establish an image, and once we have set up a embassy to welcome these people proper embassy for the Elohim, those back to Earth. The extra-terrestrial was The Slant that have heard their message will live about four feet in height, had long eternally on the planet of the Elohim black hair, almond shaped eyes, olive through the process of cloning... skin and exuded harmony and humor. whereas Scientology is crazy. He said unto me, "We were the ones Rael who made all life on Earth. You mis- took us for Gods – we were at the ori- Dear Rael, gin of your main religions. Now that Say I join your cult. Exactly how much you are mature enough to understand of that freaky ass weirdo alien crap this, we would like to enter official would I have to put up with for you to contact through an embassy." Since clone me up a few Olsen twins? that moment, I was no longer Claude Make me my own Olsen twin in Vorilhon, French Journalist, for I now Morgan was given the responsibility to spread the message of the Elohim to all peo- Dear Make, ples of Earth. So get off my case, Dad! The teachings of the Elohim guarantee Rael that those who follow me will be enti- tled to scientific reincarnation on the Ask A Raelian is a nationally syndi- home planet of the Elohim and will cated advice column appearing in over reap the benefits of eternal life. They 1000 publications internationally. To will live in a place where all of their ask Rael questions, e-mail him at wants and desires are fulfilled without [email protected]. them having to make even the slightest

January 22, 2003 - www.theslant.net - The Slant - 15