January 22, 2003 - Volume 3, Issue 10 www.theslant.net - FREE every other Wednesday Because We Can in other news Bee Gees' Vocalist No Longer Woman Enjoys Putting Cell Slant Writer's Roommate Still more than a pile of chemical equations. "Stayin' Alive" Phone On "Vibrate" A Little Too Has A Thing For Asian Girls The head of the bookstore refused to Maurice Gibb, Much Apparently it was not a phase. He still comment. He was, however, overheard singer and Local woman Tracy Vail was heard in has an Asian fetish. Seriously. It's getting saying, "bwahahahaha." bassist for the Kroger Thursday seemingly getting way awkward. Bee Gees, died too much pleasure from her pants pock- Dodge Stratus Purchase this past et. She screamed, "Yes! Yes! NO, Puke Odor Aspect Of Party Overshadowed By Brother's Saturday after DON'T STOP CALLING! Keep calling! Ambiance Downplayed Supreme Court Nomination reportedly con- Oh God!" Mothers throughout the store A festive Exultant tracting a deadly fever in the night. The were forced to cover the ears of their gathering of twenty- surviving Gibb brothers eulogized him children, while Produce Manager Bruce Vanderbilt nine-year- this afternoon at the wake, held at Studio Stevenson had to go on break to change students in old furni- 54. Barry Gibb fought back the tears, his pants and make a phone call. an Area VI ture sales- saying, "Well, you could tell by the way suite this man Jerry he used his walk he was a woman's man, Taking of Girl’s Virginity Not As past week- Sembler no time to talk." His other brother Robin Special As She Made It Out To end culmi- rushed to Gibb added, "Now he's got the wings of Be nated in no call his heaven on his shoes, he's a dancin' man After taking less than parents and tell them about his purchase and he just can't lose." John Travolta freshman Erika three students’ blowing chunks into vari- of a new Dodge Stratus, only to have his was unavailable for comment. Anderson’s vir- ous receptacles that rarely included the mother say, "That's nice, dear. Your ginity over the toilet. In spite of the odor, partygoers brother just got nominated to the Sophomore Receives Fellowship weekend, junior remained joyous and continued consum- Supreme Court. Isn't he wonderful?" of the Ring DVD For Christmas Michael Kent ing alcohol throughout the suite, com- Jerry then asked his mother if he could Michael admitted that it menting on the tasteful interior decora- speak to his father, a self-described "Car Cooper, “really wasn’t as special as she made it tion and excellent choice of beers, tact- Guy," whom Jerry assumed would be roommate of out to be.” Kent, who does not remem- fully avoiding mentioning the pervading more interested in his purchase. self- ber losing his virginity due to an smell of throw-up. "At least no one peed However, his father answered the phone described Everclear watermelon after his high on anything," claimed resident Mike with, "Hey, Jerry, I heard ya got some "fantasy school graduation, says he doesn’t Mott. Ironically, his roomate Jeff then car or something. That's great, son. Your geek" Will understand the importance attached to pointed to Mott's curtains, prompting older brother just got a Supreme Court Carpenter, having sex for the first time. “I don’t Mott to emote, "Mother fuckers!" nomination! I always said my eldest reported remember mine, but I guess it was would really go places. Not to say I did- boredom and okay,” said Kent. “So when Erika made Guitarist Loses Artistic Vision, n't have confidence in you, that is. But annoyance after Carpenter returned from this big deal about it being her first time, Guitar the Supreme Court!" the break with the Lord Of The Rings: and how special it was and stuff, I was No one was The Fellowship Of The Ring DVD. like, 'uh...ok.' It was over in about a more sur- Cooper said that Carpenter "keeps play- minute anyway.” According to prised than ing the wizard fight scene on repeat, Anderson, she has not heard from Kent, guitarist Kirk nonstop. He just keeps saying 'so cool' other than noticing another tick mark in "Weasel- over and over again like a mantra. Thank the tally on his AIM profile. raper" Young God he hasn't called that stupid DVD himself when, ADVERTISE 'his precious.'” Carpenter didn't have Singer Gerardo Seen At Local during a live time to talk when reached for comment, Wal-Mart performance, he was suddenly standing saying he was in the middle of a movie.” Slant writer on stage holding a whip, a fetal pig, and Andrew part of what appeared to have once been Vanderbilt Student Gets Jaw Banecker's order a ventilation duct, but no guitar. Young Wired, Turns to Alcoholism was bagged by a was unable to explain how he came to In a game of former Latino pop be holding those objects, nor was he "snow football" star at Wal-Mart able to explain the title of his newest played on Alumni on Friday, January album, Guacamole Hat. The proceeds of Reach 4000 Readers Lawn, junior 10. "I noticed that the concert were to go to an organization Laurel Staples the nametag of the dedicated to helping kids fight things - Every Issue! accidentally ran guy who was bagging my groceries read things which may or may not have been into sophomore ‘Gerardo.’ Sadly, he was no longer rico cancer. David Sims and or suave," claimed Banecker. Banecker’s broke her jaw. friend Scott allegedly saw Wilford Bookstore Orders One Copy of After having her jaw wired, Staples was Brimley, the Quaker Oats guy, in a Chemistry Book unable to chew and was forced to drink Philadelphia area Wal-Mart nearly three Despite a class enrollment in the hun- all of her food. Within hours, she gave years ago. A crack research team has dreds, the Vanderbilt Bookstore, a fran- up on the process of eating altogether recently been assembled to determine chise of eFollett.com, ordered just one and hit the bottle. Staples told reporters which other washed up celebrities are copy of the textbook, ISBN# at The Slant, "Putting everything in the now greeting, bagging, or managing at 043935806X. As hundreds of students blender just got too tiresome," adding, Wal-Marts. Or at least people who look fought like a pack of wolves for the The Slant "It just seemed natural to start boozing." like them. book, the rabid crowd reduced it to little Connect to Vanderbilt 2 - The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 22, 2003 inside this issue Al-Qaeda Honors 55 Ashcroft With Lifetime Achievement Award LeadLead SStoriestories 6 Smiting Creatures FeaturedFeatured thisthis issueissue “Honestly,” says God, “there is no use for penguins” From The Editor 4 Fortnightly Image 4 7 Penis Cuteness Factor America To Convert 7 A Vanderbilt Phenomenon... New Greek Row Bridge 7 Homeless On Ice 8 No Child Left Behind 9 7 Celebrating Roe v. Wade Pickup Line Success 9 Marking The 30th Anniversary Of White Stuff From Sky 10 An Historic Event New Coke Classic 10 Knocked Up And Married 11 8 Satan Tallies Up Souls I Hate Children 12 As Rush Week Ends Horoscopes 13 15 Ask A Raelian On The Cover Chancellor Gee begins his modelling career by Get The Answers To Your being on the cover of The Slant Questions January 22, 2003 - www.theslant.net - The Slant - 3 The Slant DAVID BARZELAY DAVID FROM THE EDITOR Vanderbilt's Source of Random Shit Since 1886 Enjoying All The Cash We Got 310 West Side Row Suite 200L From The School Nashville, TN 37235 Fax 615-343-2756 website www.theslant.net ince Brad doesn't take kindly to me waiting Staff until the last minute (see last issue), I figure Editor-in-Chief David Barzelay this time I'll go ahead and write my editorial a full Managing Editor Brad Ploeger 48 hours ahead of schedule. I thought I'd let you all Ad Sales Manager Rob Hilton Editors know what's going on in the wonderful world of Dave Biller Robert Saunders Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead The Slant and then make a point I've made before. Copy Editors Melanie Siemens Audrey Peters Contributing Writers SAfter grovelling at the feet of Vanderbilt Student DVDs, download music, pirate stuff, and maybe occasion- Evan Alston Andrew Banecker Communications for a full year, we've finally moved on to ally do layout. Julia Bensfield Tim Boyd Laura Carlson Greg Champoux stage 2 of our plan: milk them for all they're worth. That's Life is pretty good when you've got funding. You don't Diabetus Chris Entzminger right, we're taking their money, and guess where their money have to rely on donations from the Chancellor's wife. Can you Adila Faruk Meredith Gray comes from? You guessed it. AcFee. believe someone as sweet as her would read something as Peter Grant Jacob Grier Richard Green Sean Kelley We are opportunists. No matter how much we disagree offensive as us? It still baffles me. But thanks anyway, Michael Leaming Howard Lee with the whole system of AcFee allocations, we gladly put all Constance. Kate Loveless Zach Norton that aside when it means we're gonna get paid. OK, now I'm getting rambly, so I'm gonna stick to the Ankit Maheshwari Stephanie Schacht Eric Schnapp Beth Steedley You may have noticed there is pair of nearly naked breasts point: why the hell is it so cold here? I don't know.