The Undergraduate Magazine Published Independently at the University of Pennsylvania FirstCall Vol. IV, No. 11 | February 16, 2004 Better Than the TV GUIDE Music With a Message Happy F-ing Birthday High Fidelity Rob’s “Must See” TV!!! Catch this week’s Sound Advice lyri- The nostalgia and disappointment of Etan Rosenbloom’s underworld of Page8 cal tribute Page 2 My Day. Page 6 music collecting. Page 3 THE NIPPLE THAT CAUSED A RIPPLE Prudish Americans Shouldn’t Censor Their Sexuality BY MICHAEL PATTERSON SEEING THE repeated clips of surrounding the Super Bowl stunt. crude yet harmless stunt. To top makes me cringe with disgust as fear of sex. Seeing Janet Jackson Janet Jackson getting felt up by The way the news media goes on it off, the FCC is now proposing all my favorite shows use each of getting it on with Timberlake, and Justin Timberlake, I had a similar about it, you would think that Janet to increase the fines for these acts the “profane” words in nearly every P. Diddy feeling himself up while sensation to what many Americans and Justin performed some lewd of “indecency” ten-fold from what sentence. I am sure all of the mil- singing makes many people feel experienced—mild arousal fol- and steamy sex act for the world they are now, up to 750,000 dollars lions of Americans who watch The uncomfortable. This personal dis- lowed by wicked fantasies of being to see. But they didn’t. Janet Jack- each. Yet even before the Janet-Jus- Sopranos feel exactly the same. comfort people have with regard in Janet Jackson’s place. Yet, for a son flashed a breast with an exotic tin controversy, the “Clean Airwaves The fact of the matter is that to their own sexuality, and not any quite vocal minority of people, the nipple-cover shining out like a bea- Act” was introduced to Congress in Americans do watch program- substantive harm that results from actions of Janet and Justin were con to the stadium and through our December 2003. This act actually ming with lewd language, graphic the images, causes much of the pro- outrageous, obscene... even evil. televisions. Was this a little over the would make it a crime to broadcast violence and gratuitous sex. I think tests against sexuality on television. When Justin got it on with Janet’s top? Was this a bit distasteful and profane language, including the the real reason Americans are com- In fact, if it had been a person naked right breast, America’s jaw crass considering the nature of the words “shit, piss, fuck, cunt, ass- plaining about the Super Bowl half- up on stage with Justin who is not dropped in shock. programs? Perhaps. hole” and the phrases “cocksucker, time show has nothing to do with commonly thought of as a sexual America, it’s time to close your Yet many sections of the gov- mother fucker, ass hole.” This is such a broad and non-specific ac- persona, I would place money damn mouth already. ernment, such as the FCC and the offensive material, right? I feel cusation of “indecency,” but rather on the likelihood of a much less I have grown increasingly weary House and Senate, are acting to near faint from shock seeing those with the sexuality exuded by Janet extreme response to the breast- of turning on the news every day to crucify not only Janet and Justin, words. In fact, watching HBO and Justin. It seems Americans in flashing. hear more about the controversy but CBS, Viacom and MTV for this for an hour in the evening nearly general have a completely irrational Continued on Page 5 BLUE BRIDGE Confessions of a Campus Cupid Tips on Picking Up Chicks

BY BRIAN HERTLER

WE SINGLE people can get cranky around Valentine’s Day, but don’t tell me there’s no romance on this campus. The following is a true story—not fiction, not humor—dedicated to those depressed over a dry love life. Last Tuesday night, I was sitting in the rooftop lounge of High Rise South, scribbling in my notebook and eating a hot roast beef sandwich from Greek Lady. The sandwich was seriously good but also seriously messy, and barbecue sauce was dripping onto my aluminum foil and running down my chin. Across the way sat a beautiful red-haired girl who struck my fancy. She was reading a book in front of the big rooftop window, with her feet propped up on the radiator. I knew she wasn’t my type, since the book was a Margaret Atwood novel, but my view of her made the sandwich a little more pleasant. A young man got off the elevator—I’ll call him Prince Charming. He was carrying books and had apparently come to study, but when he saw the girl—I’ll call her Snow White—his objectives shifted im- mediately. He put his books down on a table near mine and walked towards her slowly. If you enjoy eavesdropping, like I do, you know it’s sometimes pain- BORIS SHOCHAT ful to watch a guy being suave. I didn’t want to see Prince Charming get shot down—not only because the scene would be embarrassing, but also because he resembled me in appearance and I felt a kind of vicari- ous connection. Like Fine Wine He approached Snow White fearlessly, however, and stood next to The Wondrous World of Poetry Readings her in front of the rooftop window. When she looked at him, he said, BY MICKEY JOU “It feels good to be on top, doesn’t it?” I winced. An ugly pickup. I gave him a few points for cleverness, IT WAS at my poetry professor’s beckoning that I made a moving poetry reading experience—my first poetry since the line was certainly appropriate to the setting, but Snow White it to Kelly Writers House on a night the temperature of reading, in fact—my attempt to speak with the poet was less forgiving. She mumbled something and went back to her book, a chilled bottle of wine. The atmosphere was equally himself was met with a rather brusque end. Hopes of and Prince Charming got the message and came back to his table. intoxicating—or at least it promised to be. There will profound exchanges with the writers and poets of the I had just finished my sandwich, so, after wiping my hands and be stuff there that you will like, my professor promised Penn community crushed yet again by my own social mouth on a napkin, I leaned over and got Prince Charming’s attention. with his usual warm, inviting personality. If only my clumsiness. “Hey,” I said, “that was pretty brave.” first experiences with the Kelly Writers House were of It is thus, with a skeptical mind, I came to hear A.V. “Thanks,” he replied. He didn’t look very distraught, so I guessed he the same warmth and invitation. Christie and Eamon Grennan relate stories on a calm didn’t have a problem approaching girls. He probably got turned down Not that I’m bashing Kelly Writers House—for Wednesday evening. Was it crowded or intimate? The all the time. “Maybe she already has a boyfriend.” one thing, I’m well-aware that any animosity on my room was full of people, all eagerly anticipating the “Actually,” I said, “the problem was your technique. You have to part could very well be the result of the sour grape two hours of good poetry reading they’d been prom- consider the audience. The kind of girl who sits in a study lounge and syndrome. Writers tend to have fragile egos. At least, ised. I sat by Billie Holiday, singing the blues through reads feminist authors isn’t the kind of girl who’ll buy into a sexually- in the very first month of my freshman year at Penn, I an enormous loud speaker. As it turns out, sitting next charged pickup line.” had a fragile ego that was crushed and strewn all over to the speaker is not at all the trial I expected it to be. Let me remind the reader that I’m writing these events from mem- the floor of a crowded open-mic night, overwhelmed It was rather, well, poetic—every breath the poets try ory, and that they happened several days ago. by the talented spoken words of artists and quiet to sneak between line breaks, the sound of lips pressing Prince Charming looked at the book in her hands, then scooted poets with powerful voices. My sense of despair was together and then parting, the swallow of cool water, over and took a seat closer to me. “Maybe I can use her character to distinct—I knew I hadn’t half the talent of the people the lingering vowels and consonants at the tips of the my advantage,” he said. “I can admit to her that I was being a testos- who stood up there at the sacred microphone. Later tongue—all of it, the poet’s process of producing his or terone-driven male animal—that is, play into her stereotype—and then on, I realized with not-as-wide eyes, it was experience her voice, was magnified. An intimate study, like draw- I lacked and not necessarily talent. My second Kelly ing someone’s shadow against a white wall to learn the Continued on Page 7 Writers House event was no less disappointing: after Continued on Page 4 PAGE 2 FEBRUARY 16, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 12 FirstCall Editorial Vol. IV, No. 12 | February 16, 2004 The Undergraduate Magazine POST-TRAUMATIC SPORTS DISORDER We have been cursed. Undeniably and perhaps irre- with their heads between their knees. Managing Editor vocably cursed. In case you thought Philly’s bad luck The worst part is that it’s no one’s fault. Ken Jordan Barav ended with the fall of the Eagles, the rest of the city’s Hitchcock, an invaluable import from the Dallas Editor-in-Chief teams are keen to prove otherwise. Our period of Stars in 2002, has led the Flyers to 31-12-11-5 and Julie Gremillion mourning continues for at least a few more weeks. first place in the Atlantic with a nine-point lead over I wonder if we can blame this on the groundhog, the Devils. We’re tied with the Colorado Avalanche Assistant Editor Robert Forman too? for the most points in the NHL and have only lost As usual, we turn to the 76ers when football is two of the past 14 games. Columnists over. Unfortunately, we might as well turn around, But we can’t stay healthy. We’re down to rookie Robert Forman Roz Plotzker or we may end up slitting our wrists from the de- goalie Niitymaki, requiring the new addition of Brian Hertler pression. The beloved wanderer Larry Brown, who veteran Sean Burke. We lost two defensemen in led the 76ers to five straight playoff appearances the same week in January. We lost two All-Star Writers Chan Ahn and the 2001 NBA Finals, left for Detroit. centers—Jeremy Roenick and Keith Primeau—in Mickey Jou And so the bleeding commenced this season with a span of about two minutes during Wednesday’s Daniel Nieh former Assistant Coach Randy Ayers. Hope you game against the Rangers. We’re in tears as we watch Michael Patterson Andrew Pederson didn’t get too excited during the fall when the Sixers our playoff hopes fly down the street along with the Etan Rosenbloom won 8 of 16 because they’ve only won 13 games since ambulances. And we can’t even fault them for awful Lauren Saul November. What else should we expect from a team play or poor coaching! Alas, the true breakdown of a Seth Scanlon Anna Strongin who relies on one player to score half their points Philly fan comes when he has nowhere to point that every game? faithful finger. Artists Thus, in true pro sports team form, the 76ers For now, we’re still being haunted by the specter Boris Sochat Stephanie Craven ousted Avery and promoted Assistant Chris Ford. of Brian Dawkins and Donovan McNabb. Even the So far, Ford is 1-0 with the Sixers after a win against Philadelphia Soul, the long-awaited Arena Football Layout Editor Washington on Wednesday. We could cross our Team which sold out its first game, suffered a dis- Krystal Godines fingers, but Philly fans like their middle finger heartening opening loss to New Orleans. What do Layout Staff free—just in case. we have left? The Phillies don’t start for a few more Andrew Milanez And when the Sixers are MIA, we have the Fly- months, and that’s not exactly a resurrection wait- Anna Stetsovskaya ers. I love hockey, but how many injuries can one ing to happen. Business Manager team suffer in such a short span of time? Each new So start practicing the rituals, eat some garlic and Joseph (Trey) Hollingsworth dislocated shoulder or sprained knee hits fans like splash on the holy water: that may be the only way Promotions Manager a punch in the gut, knocking them into their seats to fight this affliction. Leah Karasik

Distribution Managers Jaqueline Hayward Marissa Sapega SOUND ADVICE

Contact Information Julie Gremillion presents the old, the new and the diehard favorites. 330 John M. Huntsman Hall 3730 Walnut Street In a special edition of SA, I Philadelphia, PA 19104 IN STEREO EDITORIAL ADVICE (215) 898-3200 present six songs, chosen in “Megalomaniac” “Soon Forget” [email protected] honor of recent First Call Incubus Pearl Jam events. I send them out to our Now I’m not a big fan of Incubus, but I What is an expanded Sound Advice col- Web Site really couldn’t find a more perfect song umn without at least one Pearl Jam song? clubs.wharton.upenn.edu/fcpaper former editor as a tribute well- to sum up the tribute. Hot off their And they have so many great accusatory, deserved. brand-new album A Crow Left of the angry songs, particularly from the grunge Submissions Murder, this song is also the first single era. Yet, this track comes to us from the Email letters to the editors RETRO REWIND released and has already hit #1 on the and guest submissions to Binaural album in 2000. Slotted toward [email protected]. “Money” Modern Rock charts. The album de- the end of the track listing, “Soon Forget” Students, please include Pink Floyd buted at a phenomenal #2, which sud- is famous for Eddie Vedder’s ukulele skills. your school and class. A classic song of greed and material- denly seems less amazing when Kenny When he approaches the stage solo after ism, this track appeared on the amazing Chesney is #1. “Megalomaniac” is a the first or second encore, crowds go crazy Editorial Policy Dark Side of the Moon album in 1973. harsher, more grating side of Incubus, knowing what’s in store for them. True to First Call is a weekly commentary Not only does it encompass the desire a reflection of the early days before they form, the lyrics are about the futile, mean- published at The Wharton School of the for cold hard cash and unnecessary pos- were famous. Key lines: “You’re no Je- University of Pennsylvania. First Call’s ingless existence of a man who’s lost in his mission is to provide members of our sessions, but it also covers that wonder- sus. Yeah, you’re no fuckin’ Elvis. Wash greed and material possessions. Key lines university community an open forum ful aspect of entitlement to undeserved your hands clean of yourself, baby, and here are, “He’s lying dead, clutching Ben- for expressing ideas and opinions. To things. As a bonus, it features the sound step down, step down.” jamins, never put the money down. He’s this end, we, the editors of First Call, of coins clicking and cash registers clang- are committed to a strict policy of stiffening; we’re all whistling a man we’ll not censoring opinions. Articles are ing in the background as rhythm accom- “The Outsider” soon forget.” provided by regular columnists and paniment. Recommended lines, in keep- A Perfect Circle writers from the university community. ing with the theme: “Why does anyone And with the second album from May- “The Gambler” They are chosen for publication based do anything? I don’t know, I was really nard James Keenan and Tool’s softer on the quality of writing and, in the Kenny Rogers case of commentaries, the quality of drunk at the time.” side comes another brilliant set of songs Don’t pretend you don’t love it! Whether argumentation. Outside of the weekly that delve into the darker side of the you knew it from your parents or from editorial and other editorial content, no “I Fought the Law” human psyche. The much-anticipated the soundtrack of Maverick with Mel article represents the opinion of First Bobby Fuller Four Thirteenth Step does not disappoint, Call, its editorial board, or individual Gibson, most people have heard and love members of First Call other than These Texas rockers hit the charts in and “The Outsider,” the follow up re- this song. It’s so classic. Released in 1978, the author. No content in First Call 1966 with “I Fought the Law,” written by lease to “Weak and Powerless” is already it has sold tens of millions of copies, won unless otherwise stated represents the Sonny Curtis, lead guitar player for Bud- working its way up the charts. As equal- Song of the Year Grammy, spawned five official position of the administration, dy Holly’s band The Crickets. Heavily ly distinctive and complex as the rest faculty, or student body at large of the made-for-TV movies, and became Rog- Wharton School or the University of influenced by Holly, this tune was their of the collection, this song will affect ers’ signature hit. And in honor of trips Pennsylvania. only record to hit the top ten, but that you differently each time you listen to to Atlantic City, I conclude with every proved to be enough to influence later it. The lines I particularly liked for this gambler’s theme song. “Son, if you’re bands like The Clash and the Blasters. occasion are, “Lying through your teeth gonna play the game, you gotta learn to Most important phrase is, of course, the again, suicidal imbecile. Think about it, play it right.” title and most-repeated line: “I fought put it on the fault line. What’ll it take to the law, and the law won.” get through to you, precious?” FEBRUARY 16, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 12 PAGE 3

Memoirs of a CDphile keyboard in rapturous, intimate There is that juncture caused by the communion with their music, my interruption of routine that allows My Addiction to the Used Bin customary hunch over the racks just enough space for reality to seep BY ETAN ROSENBLOOM is a gesture of humble obeisance. in, and I am suddenly struck by For people like me, CD shopping the ridiculousness of the situation. I AM an inveterate collector. necessity of having such a large average CD shopper is limited to is both compulsion and religious I usually whisper “excuse me,” but Early on it was rocks and sea- collection, but I wouldn’t be fooling the cumbersome “walk and turn” ritual. CD stores are centers of one day I hope it will be “I love you” shells, which would sit in boxes anyone. It’s really a manifestation approach, the CDphile has a wide worship, and if we maintain scru- instead. I fantasize about telling my on a shelf in my room for years, of some low-level brain pathology. variety of intra-aisle maneuvering pulous church attendance records kids that I met their mother when amassing their own collection Thankfully I am not alone. techniques in his repertoire, in- and keep faith in our hearts, we will we were both reaching for the same of dust. For a while my pas- Every city bustles with compulsive cluding the sideways shuffle (“the be rewarded eventually by amazing Dismemberment Plan album at a sions turned to Teenage Mutant CDphiles haunting the fluorescent crab”), the grapevine, the squat, the finds. If I’ve been good in life, and local record shop. Ninja Turtle memorabilia—I re- aisles of the local independent re- stoop and, in tight spaces, the jazz I’d like to think I have, I will dis- What is it that drives us to member salvaging empty TMNT cord boutique, and there are quali- box. If only CD spines are visible, cover that heaven is a well-stocked, collect, to spend so much time juice boxes from the gutter and de- tative differences in shopping-style the pro scans swiftly and silently completely alphabetized used bin. and money on objects that may manding that my mother take me that make them easy to spot. The by moving both head and eyes. If I’ll admit it, a used CD ob- have value only to ourselves? to Burger King whenever there was normal shopper often walks into a CD covers face forward, he demon- session is fundamentally an act Do we do it purely for enjoy- a promotional tie-in. Baseball cards store without a clear game plan and strates his dexterity and rapid-fire of individualism. Shopping for ment? Investment? A sense of caught my fancy for a while, but I languorously ambles about until discernment by manually flipping music is too all-consuming a task mastery and control? Are serious never parlayed my hoarding into a he finds something of interest. In through the CD stacks at blind- to make eye contact and polysyl- collectors secretly insecure about love of the game, so that dried up contrast, the seasoned CD shop- ing speed, creating a percussive lables feasible, and furthermore, a the emptiness of their own lives, so after my Beckett subscription ran per performs a lightning-quick clicking sound reminiscent of the latent animosity exists among CD that they feel they must compensate out. Comic book collecting lasted tactical analysis of a store’s layout climactic point a couple minutes hounds competing for resources. by accumulating material posses- throughout junior high, overlap- immediately upon entry, plugging into making microwave popcorn It may very well be that you listen sions? Perhaps, as noted antiques ping with my Marvin the Martian sections of the store into a complex where it sounds like ‘Nam in a exclusively to ambient techno and dealer and appraiser Judith Katz- obsession, which has itself dissi- mental flowchart based on distance bag. The soft polyrhythmic thrum the surly fellow across from you is a Schwartz writes, “collecting pro- pated and will soon go the way of from the entrance, concentration of clicks and clacks at varying death metal enthusiast, but as far as vides order in (our) lives and a bul- my mercifully short-lived jones for of competing shoppers, speed and tempos is the soundtrack to the you know, you’re both looking for wark against the chaos and terror of telephone numbers. direction of air currents and, lastly, CDholic’s life. It accompanies the that same Aphex Twin disc, there’s an uncertain world.” I would agree In retrospect, I used to be pretty musical preference. Once an initial hunt but is also a product of it. It only one used copy left, and he’s with all these assessments and add fickle when it came to collectibles, section has been located, he locks is the gentle susurration of a lover’s closer to the ‘A’ section than you one from my own experience. In regularly changing allegiances as I in and heads right toward it like an words, both soothing and arousing. are. buying a used CD, I develop a cosmic did. But if my formative years were iron filing to a magnetized spoon, When the clicking stops, the chase But perhaps because of this ten- connection with its former owner. I marked by a promiscuous dilettan- allowing himself little room for dis- is suspended—the collector either dency towards subdued Hobbesian imagine what sort of person once tism, I can now consider myself a traction and dawdling. This phase walks triumphantly to the cash aggression, those rare instances of owned it and why they would sell it. proudly reformed monogamist; is invariably performed with a brisk register with his bounty or back to music store sociability are all the The used CD is at once a trace of a I have had but one vice over but measured gliding motion. It is his car, dejected but fortune cookie more enjoyable. On one blessed completed narrative and the source the last six years: the compact a wonder to behold—even the most confident that good luck is right occasion, I found a used copy of an of a new narrative that begins with disc. I currently own 826 of heavyset CDholic can be lithe as a around the corner. Process is key early album by a Los Angeles rap- me, and there is a minor thrill in them and number 827 is on its ballerina when making a beeline to the true collector. Even if I never per named Aceyalone, and when I becoming part of this protean web way from Amazon. They are all for his landing spot. reach my destination, I have at least brought it to the register the clerk of intertwining histories. There is a listed in an Excel spreadsheet CDphiles do often search for embarked on the journey. said to me with nary an iota of little bit of truth to be found in the with fields for genre, producer, specific albums, and it is not un- Perhaps most characteristic of sarcasm, “Man, just the fact that musty recesses of every good used year of release and complete per- common for them to bring exten- the CD obsessed is bad posture. To you have that in your hands makes CD bin. Happy hunting. sonnel. The jewel cases are stored sive want lists along. For the true the observer, this may be a foolish you cool.” Score! Vindication. Even alphabetically by name of artist, aficionado, however, this does not concomitant of spending too much non-verbal interactions can be and within each artist, albums are preclude a thorough scouring of time bending over in record stores. thrilling. To this day, I can’t help arranged chronologically by release the bins, which starts either at the But I know better. Much like pia- but chuckle when I switch places Etan Rosenbloom is a senior in the date. I could rationalize this fas- beginning or end of the alphabet, nists Glenn Gould and Bill Evans, with a customer scanning the College. You can write to him at tidious organization as a practical never in the middle. Whereas the who would hover inches above the used bins in the opposite direction. etan@sas. PAGE 4 FEBRUARY 16, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 12 DEAR THE WB: GO FRELL YOURSELF BY ROBERT FORMAN FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH will never be You can bet there will be little good and a lot face. Looking at the Saturn Awards nomina- were important, and that the show would the same. It’s one of those clichés you only of bad about The WB in my next column, and tions for 2004, the science-fiction equivalent last. As I pointed out above in my letter to worry about because of a long line of Jason probably a lot of overt and subtle bitterness in of the Emmys, Charmed makes no appear- The WB, Levin stated that Dark Shadows movies. Nothing bad actually happens. the following columns. Thank you so much. ance. Angel has about six nominations, from would not affect Angel. A few weeks later, Right… Three days ago, as I prepared to go to You’ve made my weekend.” show to actors and actresses. Other shows Angel is cancelled. What’s with the two-face? my frat house for the evening, I visited one of Twelve hours later, I’m still fuming. As already picked up by The WB are 7th Heaven And what a missed opportunity it is for The the web forums I frequent. “Zap2it Reports an assistant editor of this publication, I for- and the ailing Gilmore Girls. None of these WB. Vampire Night, anyone? ANGEL ends with Season 5.” WHAT? I was tunately have the power to defer my intended three shows are as respected in the critical Part of The WB’s official press release caught off guard. Surely this was some sick article for this week and write this tirade in its community as is Angel. Gilmore Girls used says they have cancelled the show early to joke designed to make us nonbelievers appre- place. I am trying to makes heads and tails of to be, but the current season is a perfect ex- give Whedon the time he needs to appropri- ciate the whole Friday the Thirteenth scare. the situation not only because I love the show, ample of jumping the shark and losing fans. ately wrap up the story. How gracious and In case you were unaware, the Buffy/ as my letter hopefully suggests, but because Even worse, drek like One Tree Hill will likely thoughtful of them. Only, the show is already Angel fandom is (a) online (b) highly active. the decision makes absolutely no sense given get renewed, as will three or four of the un- casting for episode 18, meaning only four Weekends tend to be down times on most the plethora of events that took place over the derperforming and unentertaining half-hour are left to write, maximum. Compare this to forums. Shock of shocks: fans of such shows last few weeks and months. programming on Thursdays and Fridays. ABC’s recent announcement that NYPD Blue have lives. The next few minutes and hours An online petition was created around In recent years, The WB has tried to pre- will air next season, but that next year will be brought about a swelling of comments, new 10:00 p.m. on Friday evening. Fans from miere dark, heavy genre shows like Birds of the long-running and groundbreaking show’s threads, death threats, and swears, among America, the United Kingdom, Australia, and Prey and Tarzan to no avail. Both series were last. A whole season of knowing is enough other things. It was awe-inspiring and awful other countries have signed it. Though such cancelled midway through their seasons de- time to wrap things up. Not four weeks. at the same time. I added my own thoughts petitions often are useless, the magnitude of spite initially high ratings due to inability to Like I say above, shows are cancelled and waited for information on how to stop this petition struck me. Twelve hours after maintain viewership. Next year brings Dark all of the time, every season. Someone al- this dreadful turn of events. being created, there were over 11,000 signa- Shadows. Judging from the past, this show ways gets pissed off. Shows are also ended. Less than an hour later, the WB issued tures. Another will also fail. Though shows like Fraiser and Friends are a press release. To summarize: the execu- reason publish- A great por- long-running and will be called cancelled in tives are appreciative of Joss Whedon and ing this article tion of Angel’s trade publications, the truth is that their cre- his shows and the eight years of television immediately is fandom, one ators, actors, and writers were the ones who they’ve had with him, his crew, and cast. The important to which watches made the decision not to continue—not the final nine episodes of this season will play out me pertains to other genre network. The same can be said of Buffy the and The WB hopes to have TV movies—yeah the timing of shows, has Vampire Slayer’s last season. Sarah Michelle right—but it was official. Frell. Looking the announce- shouted “boy- Gellar had had enough of it, as had Whedon. around the various websites for The WB’s ment. Eleven cott!” This When shows run out of creative juice or their shows, I saw no advertisements for Angel. thousand. On a series will ratings slip severely, it’s fine by me to cancel None. That was pretty quick. On the Angel weekend with a not succeed. the show and pave the way for a new pro- feedback forums, fans were already begin- holiday on Mon- Compare these gram. In Angel’s case, Whedon and the cast ning to express their outrage. Thousands of day. Perhaps The two shows, have said they feel the fifth season’s new di- responses came out of the woodwork, shout- WB expected the and what I rection opened numerous creative doors they ing expletives and mourning for the coming furor and out- anticipate for want to explore over coming seasons. loss of the show. What you might be sur- rage to subside next year, to In the wasteland that is network televi- prised to hear is that, though the fans varied and for fans to Angel. The sion, with the reality and mindless drivel that in ages from low teens to fifties and sixties, just accept it. now cancelled pervade it, a show with creative energy and the responses were all the same: we will never Wrong, and this show has been decent if not spectacular ratings should not watch a WB show again. One even woke her one petition’s on four differ- be cancelled. And without justification from teenage daughter up at 2:00 a.m. to relate response shows ent nights of the higher-ups at The WB, fans’ reactions will the news. The girl broke out in tears. Like any just how wrong The WB’s pro- not be pretty. They are not pretty. I cannot other spurned and pissed off fan, I sent an e- the decision was. There are others. gramming line-up over the last five years. Yet, conceive that executives desired to alientate mail to The WB expressing my outrage: Hopefully you are still with me. I don’t its viewers have stuck with it and even grown tens of thousands who now threaten never to “I know you won’t put this up on your want to sound like a rabid fan angry simply in the last year. TNT, the cable channel that watch the network again. website because I’m not going to dance because his favorite show was cancelled. owns syndication rights, has been more than As I hope you see, the cancellation is a around and parade the fabulous shows on Shows are cancelled all of the time. I’d like, pleased with Angel’s ratings. DVD sales have premature and incorrect decision from every your weekly programming line-up, but I for myself, for fans who read this article, and been phenomenal. Overseas ratings are in- angle I’ve been able to examine. I recall saying needed to say something. Angel is your best for your benefit, to explain why this cancel- credibly high. Why cancel a sure thing? last year I would not watch FOX again aside show. It is the best written. It is the most lation is a stupid move, underhanded and The timing of the early cancellation an- from 24 and The Simpsons after the cancel- dramatic. It is often the funniest. It is the backstabbing, and completely unjustified. nouncement is suspicious. February 4th saw lation of Firefly, another Whedon series that best acted. It is the most respected. It has im- As I’ve written before, this season has the milestone 100th episode, a proud achieve- has since found a huge fan community in proved its ratings this year, despite its budget been harsh for network television. Ratings ment for any series. With the announcement DVD sales and is in talks to film a feature cut which doesn’t allow for the gorgeous exte- are down across the board, with viewers coming after press time on Friday, with Pres- movie. The cases are different. One, FOX rior scenes of yesterseason. It is your number defecting to cable because of uninteresting ident’s Day on Monday, there are three days came out with some brilliant new program- two show in the key demographic. And you and un-engaging programming. Despite for the press to chew on the event. Some spec- ming this year, though it has failed miserably cancel it. You cancel it. You cancel it. I cannot this, Angel’s ratings increased this season. ulate that the cancellation comes later than it to fill the Friday night void left by Firefly. understand the logic behind this decision. Viewership is up by about a million, despite would have if shows like Tarzan or Birds of Two, Firefly was new and unestablished. Mere weeks ago, Mr. Levin was sharing cake the time slot being the most competitive on Prey had not tanked. Coming towards the The WB has nothing coming out next year with Joss Whedon applauding the resurgence television, airing shows like The West Wing, beginning of February Sweeps, I wonder if and has nothing on now worth watching. of Angel and saying that John Wells’ upcom- The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, and The OC. this is a stunt to improve ratings further and The show I might have watched, the remake ing remake of Dark Shadows would have A press release issued by The WB on January go out on top. That’s likely not the case. But of ’60s vampire soap-opera Dark Shadows, no effect on Angel’s future. Was it already 21st, 2004 reported that Angel was The WB’s you should tune in for Wednesday’s hilarious will be first on my boycott list since it seems decided, then? I can’t believe how badly this second-highest rated program among adults installment where Angel is turned into Mup- the new series is part of the rationale behind decision is going to affect the network. I was 18 to 34, a key demographic for the youth pet through the effects of a children’s televi- Angel’s cancellation. I am still beside myself, personally branching out into other shows, oriented network. sion show. Ridiculous, creative, and a damn and I do not understand. So, thank you, The like Everwood and Gilmore Girls, and even On Monday, February 9th, The WB picked funny trailer. The Jim Henson Company did WB. You’ve destroyed much of my faith in the wildly popular but brainless and poorly up Aaron Spelling’s Charmed for a seventh the puppetry. It is, in a word, fantastic. network television, which I’ve been clinging construed Smallville. Oh, I’m in your key de- season. This series gets ratings slightly higher Even more than the other pickups, what to with fewer and fewer shreds of hope each mographic, a male of 19 years. But I guess you than Angel’s ratings and airs in a less compet- angers me and other fans are the well-publi- successive season, and have assured that I don’t really care about me and the millions of itive time slot. Its ratings have dropped year- cized exchanges between Mr. Levin and Joss and many others will never watch your net- other fans who love this series with all of our to-year. In a report issued to the industry, Whedon. Levin was reportedly happy with work again. Well done. I guess now I have a hearts. It was the one shining gem left on Jordan Levin, the aforementioned Co-CEO Angel’s performance and creativity and had a few more free hours each week. Frell you. network television and continues, sorry con- of The WB, stated that Charmed has stayed deep respect for Whedon. He even said that tinued, to be brilliant. I also happen to write relevant and features one of the strongest en- he could not thank Whedon and crew enough Robert Forman is a sophomore in Wharton. You a television column for my college magazine. semble casts on television. What a slap in the for all of the work they’ve done, that the fans can write to him at robertf@wharton.

sational, Grennan spoke with a lovely Irish lilt and sprinkled been debates about whether the writer ought to talk about his WINE humor between his readings of dark, evocative poems. He work. I believe if you have to explain yourself, then your writing Continued from Page 1 started off with selected poems from a limited edition publica- is not doing what it’s supposed to do. I maintain—as this an- contours of his or her body. tion describing the winter of 1997 at the peninsula of Renvyle ecdote about the caterpillar shows—that anecdotes, side notes, The first poet to read was A.V. Christie. She reminded me in Ireland. While the first readings were beautifully descriptive comments, introductions, and back-stories told by poets, writ- of someone’s mom, a quiet, middle-aged woman you might in their sparse elegance, I found his earlier works most pro- ers, and singer-songwriters remain as such: icing on the cake. find writing a grocery list at the kitchen counter. Christie’s vocative—for instance, the simple violence of “Incident.” If he Without it, you can still enjoy the cake; though, I recognize poetry opened up a world of imagery: little girls catching fall- had read more than one poem of its kind, I would have become that for some people, the icing makes the cake. ing fruits in their aprons—as in “Nectar”—or a man eating an a vegetarian on the spot. In less than five minutes, Grennan I may have entered Kelly Writers House that night with a orange in the most exquisite way imaginable. Christie’s voice managed to paint a viscerally unbearable picture in my mind skeptical mind, but with your heart open just a little bit, the may be quiet, but her words carry a powerful stream of images that even my father, who is an ardent vegan, has not been able poets imbue you with eloquence, metaphors, and imagery. I and elegant turns of phrase. I felt the way she conveyed herself to convey to me over five years’ time. The dark poems were discovered poetry readings were not unlike wine-tasting: in in the last line of “Limbic,” a poem that describes the secret complemented by some of his lighter, but equally thoughtful order to learn the secrets of wine, you have to dive in head long, struggle inside a human heart: “The deer looked up as deer works, such as “Cat Scat” and “Caterpillar and the Dancing keeping yourself submerged in the heady aroma and liquid will do.” She similarly hid gems of writing wisdom between the Child.” flavors until, finally, you return to the world with your senses lines: “Flowering and fading come to focus both at once, said Grennan’s comment on the latter poem illustrated for me open—really open—to receive what is outside of yourself, be it the poet.” This is perhaps the most apt description of the writ- the function of anecdotes and back stories at literary readings distilled grapes, deer, or caterpillars. ing process I’ve yet to hear. and coffee house sets: “[In the poem] I just miss crushing it Christie was followed by the poet Eamon Grennan, a man [the caterpillar] under my foot… sometimes that’s how one not necessarily in a hurry, but certainly one who knows where feels about one’s children, that you just miss crushing it.” In Mickey Jou is a sophomore in The College. You can write to her at he is going or, what he is about to do. Energetic and conver- my poetry class, and previously in writing workshop, there had myjou@sas FEBRUARY 16, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 12 PAGE 5 America v. The World BY CHAN AHN much, so much so that you think anything ture, better than anything else. Disease. USDA representatives asked that the This is my first time studying in the Unit- non-American is stupid, then you have a seri- President Bush is one of the numer- ban on U.S. beef be lifted, while simultane- ed States of America. To put it colloquially, I ous problem. ous participants in Americentrism. Despite ously banning beef from the U.K., France, am a “FOB” or “Fresh Off the Boat.” I admit, Where does this intolerance come from? reports from foreign agencies and intergov- Canada, and other countries affected by the sometimes I interchange the pronunciation Since creating words is so hip nowadays, mis- ernmental organizations such as the UN that Mad Cow Disease. The United States wants of an “R” with that of an “L”. Sometimes I underestimate being a product of this new cleared Iraq of producing weapons of mass other countries to import its beef which may talk about my favorite soccer team only to fad, I will now follow the trend and christen destruction, Bush held CIA reports compiled be affected by BSE. Apparently U.S. beef is so find out that my friends were talking about this phenomenon of centralizing American through questionable methods, without ac- much better than beef from other countries their favorite football team. I am often told beliefs systems and values as Americentrism, tual inspection of Iraq, to be more credible that it must be safer too, despite reports of my study groups’ IM screen names, only to from the words America and Ethnocentrism. and more important than the findings of BSE infections in Washington as I alluded realize they are AIM screen names, not MSN, Americentrism, as I see it, stems from these organizations. Saddam Hussein is now to above. when I try to contact them. This one time, I extreme patriotism. It makes people believe a captive. Almost all of Iraq is under control What can you do to avoid Americentrism? got an entire question wrong on my Stat final that America is right in all respects. No ques- of the U.S. And what of Bush’s WMDs, or Did you know about 15 percent of your class- because I confused ounces with grams. I am tions asked. America’s way or the highway. weapons of mass destruction? Nowhere to mates are FOBs? Hang out with them. Try a typical “FOB.” People believe that using quarts is better than be seen. Just like the foreign agencies and immersing yourself in their culture. Lose your But am I stupid? Although many people using liters to measure volume. Using miles is intergovernmental organizations reported a Americentrism and try watching football, by here are tolerant of my innocent mistakes, right, kilometers is wrong or, worse, stupid. year ago and continue to assert. which I of course mean soccer, with FOBs. It some question my intellect. “How is 98 de- What the hell is an inch? Americentrism affects matters like war, is a fun game to watch even compared to reg- grees boiling hot? I mean, it’s only your body “It really doesn’t matter,” one might say. but also less grave matters. Like food. Just a ular football. But most of all, lose the holier- temperature. D’uh!” “Who honestly cares if I like a certain mea- week ago, the U.S. Department of Agricul- than-thou attitude that causes over half the I like Tommy Hilfiger shirts. I like my sure of distance more than others?” But it is ture sent representatives to Japan and Korea world’s population to hate Americans. With a IBM laptop. I like American cars, the Lin- not that simple. It is not a mere personal pref- claiming that U.S. beef is safe. Yet, a cow on little cultural relativism, you’ll be better off. coln being my favorite. I like the US flag; I erence I am talking about. It is the American U.S. soil has been diagnosed with Bovine think it is pretty with all the colors and stars Chan Ahn is a freshman in Wharton. You can write attitude that dictates and fully encompasses Spongiform Encephalopathy or Mad Cow to him at chanh@wharton. and stuff. But when you like these things too the belief that anything American is, by na- NIPPLE Continued from Page 1 2) This woman’s a class act all the way, and as opposed rampaging cloned dinosaurs threatening mankind, etc. In fact, if Justin had exposed the breast of any of the to the last two women barely post-menopausal, University What kind of an effect is that having on the youth that tune following five people, the response may have been quite dif- of Pennsylvania President Judy Rodin might be willing to in to watch? Europe may have sexier programming than the ferent. let loose after commanding a school like Penn for ten years. U.S., but when it comes to violence, we take the cake. Michael’s Top Five Least Sexy People: I know I would. So instead of whining and moaning about the lack of 5) She’s crass, rude and homophobic. But showing 1) Finally, the number one person people would not be her breasts is something that Dr. Laura Schlessinger is no sexually offended by is the big and proud number one weather stranger to. Unfortunately for America, she is nowhere near man on NBC. Yes, everyone, how do you think people would as supple as she was the last time the public saw a glimpse of feel if Justin Timberlake were to rip off the shirt and expose her bundle. the breasts of Al Roker. I hear he has a better sun-shaped 4) She loves to talk about sex and romance, and if senior nipple-cover than Janet does. citizen and the host of Oxygen Network’s The Sunday Night There you have it, Penn. If any of the previous five people Sex Show, Sue Johanson were asked to allow Timberlake to bared it all with Justin, there probably would not be anywhere expose her breasts, she probably would. I hear she has a thing near the political controversy there is now. There would be for twenty-something year-old men. a national case of mass-nausea but not necessarily threats 3) She’s an older lady as well, but not many can claim to of censorship. But the woman who flashed America was be a former First Lady. This fact might not stop Barbara Bush neither old, flaccid, nor a large hunk of man. She is a sexu- from showing the world what only George H. Bush should ally attractive woman with a nice right breast, and Justin is a ever have to see. very attractive man with a hot body. This is the source of most people’s problem. To the average European the Super Bowl halftime show was tame compared to what comes on their televi- sion broadcasts. Then again, Europeans tend to be much more comfortable with their sexuality and that of others than we Americans are. They publicly embrace each other, go to naked family beaches together, and use worse language than us in normal everyday conversation. We could learn a lesson from decency shown by Janet in her performance with Justin, our our friends across the pond. sexually awkward lawmakers and their constituents should They have the right idea as focus on curbing what actually promotes violence and harm there are far worse things among people. Anything that may be just in poor taste will be to worry about on television weeded out of television. If there is anything I learned from than naughty words and hot Econ 1, it is that the basic laws of supply and demand usually bodies. rule supreme. No law from Congress or fine from the FCC can The violence on network change that. and cable television over- Regardless, I would personally rather see Janet Jackson Finally, get some good shadow the raunchiest shows getting a feel from Timberlake than watch some guy getting around. Flipping the chan- his head blown off. food with your meal plan. nel between the plethoras of dramas broadcast to our nation’s homes gives a wide Introducing the Philly Meal Plan! With tons of range of various violent acts merchants, you can now get an off campus from murder, rape, physi- Michael Patterson is a junior in the College . You can write to him at meal plan where you can eat, have your parents cal assaults, alien conquest, mjp2@sas. add money, and eat some more. The difference between this and on campus meal plans is that the food is yours to choose! Call us and find out the details; your stomach definitely won’t regret it. Philly Meal Plan: 866/512-DINE firstcallism Not all SNAPPLE “Real Facts” are real facts. PAGE 6 FEBRUARY 16, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 12 Nineteen Going On Dead A Sad State of Birthday Bash Affairs BY ANDREW PEDERSON

MEN, ON average, die about five years earlier received perhaps an embroidered blanket or quilt I found out only a few days ago that Grandma is than women due in some part to the extra strain or a fifty dollar savings bond from Grandma, who a cheap, filthy liar, whose fifty dollars was in fact put on our cardiovascular system by our slightly said it was for our college education. Later, we squandered long ago in a joint account that my larger frames. However, the figure is bolstered had entire classes and grades of our peers im- parents raped for new air conditioners and family heartily by random acts of boundless stupidity, ported to the house and fabulous banquets set pet euthanasia. With nineteen years of age fast wonderfully demonstrated by base jumpers and before us, where, in our best attire, we sat at the approaching, I am mired in the wasteland be- pyromaniacs alike. In any case, whether I keel head of the table and thundered out the candles tween eighteen and twenty-one—three birthdays over alone and sheltered from a coronary defect on a meter long cake slaved over by mother nobody has any reason whatsoever to give a shit or splatter myself over a great part of the Earth to represent every minute detail of a fictional, about. trying to look cooler than Evel Knieval in front of genetically-freakish turtle or marvelously engi- This year, so far, I have received for my birth- a crowd of bloodthirsty onlookers, the odds are neered, shape-transforming, talking robot. We day: one bag of cookies, two Trojan lubricated clearly not in my favor. were kings amongst children, who, for at least condoms, one novelty foam pen with a sheep on So, when I celebrate the day I breached the one day, were bound to us by the noble tradi- top, and one tourist’s map of Philadelphia. Is this cervix at eleven o’clock this Saturday and yet an- tion of birthday servitude to eat when we said, to really fair, considering all the previous riches that other vapid waitress lavishes wit with originality bring forth gifts, and to get the hell in the back of had been heaped at my door? True, the car was by saying, “Oh! A Valentine’s Baby! How Cute,” I the line when we wanted seconds. understood as a once in a lifetime event, but how will be a mere fifty-five years from certain death, Even at the age of sixteen, birthdays were days can one follow cigars and pornography with con- barring a potential and statistically validated for accomplishment and doting. I clearly recall doms and foam sheep? Perhaps in the South my Paddle-less Flaming Ping Pong or Golf Cart my mother taking time off work to witness my birthday pack still represents progress, but here Derby accident. victory at the DMV and my older sisters’ baleful in civilization I expect something a little more The fact remains that while I and a few oth- glares at my new car, which proved once and for cultured—say, a struggling artist who moonlights ers have realized the rapidity with which we are all which sibling was loved most (it’s me). The as a call girl. claimed from this life, the great majority of others birthday magic of youth went so far as to extend Who can say why I and my fellow birthday still refuse to recognize the grave importance of to eighteen, upon which day I received my father’s pariahs are denied their piñatas and party hats? the tender period that is a person’s quarter-life- instructions on the hallowed responsibilities of One would like to be democratic and blame plus-one crisis. Here we all are, men from ages manhood, which included—but were not limited unemployment or be optimistic and consider eighteen to twenty-two and already a fourth of to—sobriety, prudence, respect and courtesy. I previous birthdays just too difficult to match. the way through our hazard-fraught lives, yet dutifully listened to him before going and getting However, from the woeful contents of my one and our birthdays are overlooked, overshadowed and drunk, smoking cheap cigars and renting porn only birthday package, I know the sad fact of the marginalized within the context of everyday life. with the rest of my friends. There is no doubt in matter is that until I reach the very last milestone When we were young, it was not so. Every my mind that those halcyon days of youth were on my way to death and pummel my liver with birthday was a milestone in a mighty crescendo, the best days of my life. a glorious fete of twenty-one years, I will be left beginning with a solemn day of humble thanks The current state of affairs for me and certain- to my cookies, my condoms and my memories of in the company of close friends and family and ly countless other peers is a bitter contrast to the days when people still gave a damn. progressing from there into a spectacle of awe- days of petting zoos, clowns, Nerf guns, second- Andrew Pederson is a sophomore in the College. You can write some proportions. When we were newborn, we hand cars, tobacco, cheap beer and pornography. to her at awl@sas FEBRUARY 16, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 12 PAGE 7 Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime BY ANNA STRONGIN EMOTIONS ARE so overrated. I just the two? The fact that it is so difficult But who am I kidding? We are not I would be able to spare my friends the thought I’d mention that, in honor to pin down exactly what emotions are meant to be practical, to want what is pain of listening to me complain about of the holiday that recently passed, all about is part of the overall prob- in fact good for us. Rather, we sacrifice a call not made or a visit not paid. And which celebrates one such emotion. lem. It is extremely dangerous to get everything rational for temporary ex- finally, it meant that I would never And, no, it is not cynicism speaking; mixed up with abstract ideas that can hilaration, even if it will prove disad- have to deal with the sadness and pain it’s practicality. mislead you into thinking that you feel vantageous to us in the long run. of a separation or a breakup that could Now don’t get me wrong, I have what you don’t. Granted, a rational approach can occur. nothing against dating or relation- Thus, when it comes to relation- work just fine for some and I have I figured that electing to date ships, but I do have something against ships, it is best never to make it past tried to make myself one of these people I liked because of their quali- the unreasonable standards that peo- “like,” and even better to minimize (or select few. For a while, it seemed as ties over people I was just attracted to ple tend to set when getting romanti- would spare me a lot of unnecessary cally involved. and time-consuming trouble. Movies, music, and books are filled Furthermore, Unfortunately, it spared me more with people making ridiculous and it meant that than I had hoped for—to the point unreasonable sacrifices in the name of I would be where I became completely indiffer- emotions. On screen and on paper, it able to spare ent. And while it was good because I seems like love surpasses every bound- was able to keep my romantic involve- ary from class to age and ultimately my friends ments from interfering with my aca- does indeed conquer all. In reality, the pain of demics and work, it also left me kind however, this powerful emotion, like listening to of unsatisfied, because frankly I just any other, ultimately disintegrates. me complain wished I cared. It may envelop a couple in its in- about a call And so, while emotions may be tense but ambiguous arms for a few not made or overrated because they do cause a lot months or even years, but eventu- a visit not of trouble, I’ve come to realize that it’s ally it wears off; it is emotionally and paid. the kind of trouble that is worth hav- physically impossible to maintain ing. Relationships and dating are the something indefinable as the basis for best ways of evoking strong feelings— an entire relationship. And when this even eliminate) feelings altogether. though applying structure and ratio- good or bad—and that is far better happens, nothing short of disappoint- Instead of trying to move things in the nality to relationships and disregard- than being devoid of them altogether. ment and dissatisfaction awaits the direction of a higher level of emotional ing the feelings seemed like an ideal Therefore, since I neglected to formerly blissful couples. attachment, couples should devote way to do things. make a resolution for New Year’s, I Spoiled by the emotional high first more time and energy to determining Choosing those who fit certain have made one for this Valentine’s Day. felt, couples find themselves unable and exploring their compatibility. pre-established criteria over those for I resolve to stop trying to be practical to exist without it, and so they either After all, mutual interests, com- whom I could see myself developing about something that really isn’t and cheat in hopes of recapturing the parable backgrounds, and similar any sort of intense feeling was a much shouldn’t be. feeling with another person, or get ambitions are a lot more permanent better way to go. It meant that I would divorced because they no longer have than silly, old emotions and thus a lot not have to worry about getting too at- incentive to stay together—hence the more likely to preserve a relationship. tached and as a result neglecting my 50 percent divorce rate plaguing our That along with things like loyalty, other commitments in favor of the re- Anna Strongin is a sophomore in the College. You country. To me, that is far more tragic consideration, and respect can lead to lationship. Furthermore, it meant that can write to her at astrongi@sas than going through life without ever a far more satisfying and permanent experiencing the joys of love. relationship than love ever could. And Of course, you will probably say I bet if people looked for these things that I’m confusing love with lust, but in potential mates, then all advice col- that’s the point—who doesn’t confuse umnists would be out of a job. CUPID Continued from Page 1 immediately apologize for my behavior. I’ll be creating an expectation and then surpassing that expectation. Therefore I’ll seem better than most of the men she meets.” I scratched my head. “That sounds like Wharton-talk to me.” “I’m a Marketing concentration.” Prince Charming got up and approached Snow White again. “Excuse me,” he said, “I want to apologize for being such a pig before. I don’t know what came over me, but I’m not usually like that. I promise it won’t happen again.” He came back to my table. “I’ll make another move in a few minutes. She needs a little time to weigh her perceptions.” “A wise decision,” I said. “The good of your apology will outweigh the bad of your pickup—” “Right, and she’ll come out with a favorable perception of me.” “Hopefully.” “Right. And that’s when I move.” Snow White suddenly glanced over her shoulder and saw the two of us talking. “We should probably split up,” I said, “so she doesn’t suspect we’re working together.” “Okay, then. Wish me luck.” Prince Charming went back to his table and opened his books. About five minutes passed, and we both worked in silence. Snow White, reading her novel, no doubt pondered the situation and came to a conclusion. When she got up and walked past us toward the bathroom, Prince Charming and I nodded at each other. It was time for action. Snow White returned from the bathroom. Prince Charming stood up and said hello, but she walked right past him and headed for me. I hadn’t expected this. Up close, she was more beautiful than I’d imagined. “I saw you talk- ing to this guy,” she said, pointing to Prince Charming. “Was it your idea to apologize to me?” I couldn’t decide what to say. Prince Charming stared at me with wide eyes. What answer did Snow White want to hear? Was it right to betray my new acquaintance? I said, “I cannot tell a lie, young lady. I did make him apologize to you. I wanted him to show you some respect, that’s all.” She smiled. “Well, that was very sweet.” I felt elated. Prince Charming’s face tightened into a scowl. I didn’t care about Margaret Atwood any longer—she was beautiful, and she would be mine. “My name is Brian, by the way.” “Very nice to meet you, Brian.” She told me her real name, and I knew it was time to strike. I said, “Listen, we’re both very mature and respectable adults, so I’m going to ask you di- rectly. I’d like very much to go on a date with you. Do you want to?” “Actually... Nice try, but I already have a boyfriend.” She turned around and went back to her seat. Prince Charming and I looked at each other; there were no hard feelings. Sometimes even the combined charm of two college students is insufficient to get a girl. Yes, singles, there is a moral to this story. Romance is apparently not impossible at Penn; it simply goes on without us. Keep trying, and one day you, too, will have a story about getting turned down. Brian Hertler is a junior in the College. You can write to him at hertlerb@sas THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | PUBLISHED INDEPENDENTLY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA |FEBRUARY 16, 2004 VOL. IV NO.12 lastcall What’s on Your Shoulder? Penn Yuppies Jump on the Fashion Handbagon BY LAUREN SAUL IN 1945, The New York Times published a story about That is why Penn girls’ affection for them is quite baf- an indispensable woman’s accessory. Predictably, the fling. Generally, it is the jaded sexiness of Sex and the City title was Inside Story of a Handbag. It began with the that is popular, and sometimes the plain elegance of the sentence: “A woman without her handbag feels as lost as little black dress and a little black purse to match. One a wanderer in the desert.” The “story” then said that the would predict that Penn girls and Vera’s thick, quilted cot- way a woman carries her handbag can reveal her whole ton bags would jive together about as well as Carrie did at personality, and it warned men of certain positions that Aidan’s country house. And their relationship didn’t end may signify flaws in character. Anything that involved well either. Ah, I digress. Nevertheless, the point that I bad posture, slumping over, swinging the handbag back am trying to make is that Vera bags do not fit this campus’s and forth, or holding it awkwardly was a bad idea. I general fashion landscape. The preference is clothing and had accidentally clicked the link, and I didn’t even bags that are sort of, well, sassy. realize that this story was published almost sixty years Men always complain about how it takes forever for ago until I completed reading it. That may be due in women to find what they need in their handbags. Both part to a general state of exhaustion, since many of the in 1945 and in the present day, they are frustrated when it details were out of date. But, the general idea was oddly takes ten minutes to find correct change. Even Jerry Sein- similar to the present. Nowadays there are all kinds of feld was making fun of the universality of this problem on bags floating around on feminine shoulders. They can his man-purse episode. When he started to wear a purse, be made of leather, fabric, fur and other material, in any he kept complaining about how impossible it is to find color. Sequins sometimes dangle and make noise that anything. When a bag is first bought, there is empty space. corresponds with movement. There are types of bags Since nature abhors a vacuum, that space must promptly for every occasion—parties, everyday outings, classes, be cluttered. Vera bags admittedly are better than most work, lunch dates—and every couple of years a new bag other brands for dealing with this problem because they company reaches a very high level of popularity, usually have so many compartments of different shapes and sizes. within a specific age and social demographic. The wallet, cell phone, tissues, make-up, and everything Until the Vera Bradley bags. When I arrived at else each can have their own specific destination. Penn, all of a sudden I saw them everywhere. Right Organization is definitely important during the day, now, a significant number of undergraduate women at and Vera bags are only used for classes and daily outings. this university and other schools like the same bags as Perhaps they are as practical as they look. They are pretty, middle-aged women. For those of you who don’t know, also, even if it is in a ’40s era kind of way. As long as a strict the Vera bags are made out of a thick, quilted, wash- separation is maintained between day and evening, wear- able fabric; they have a flower pattern, and they come ing a bag that is designed for an older clientele is reason- in many different colors. Of course, people who don’t able. However, the Ann Taylor on campus has convinced like these handbags point to the fact that they look like me that this trend may just go too far. Watch out, everyone. they were designed for country women in the heartland There are plenty of years of “maturity” ahead, so why hurry who are as far as possible from hip, modern styles. And into older styles? Vera Bradley will not take over bag-land. they have a point. Two middle-aged neighbors in In- Bags that are brimming with attitude add a little bit of diana started the Vera Bradley Company about twenty spice that is important for everyday life, and they will not years ago, and it first became popular in rural parts of be abandoned anytime soon. the country. The bags undoubtedly have an older, more friendly look. Lauren Saul is a freshmen in the College. You can write to her at lcsaul@sas BEST BETS 2/16 - 2/22 Rob Forman’s picks for the week

Monday: Everwood (WB, 9PM) has Super-Size thing, and no one knows able chops. “Risen” is no exception you www.food.com, and your crappy “The L Word.” No, it’s not a parody of exactly when the show will begin. to the show’s well thought-out, fast- schedule). If you need me to describe the Showtime breakout smash. This If you catch the last few minutes of paced stories. Easy to get into, this the show further, then you really show, in its sophomore season, tends Frasier, so be it. Oh, watch out for the episode will hold your attention if the ought to just find that rock and go to fly under my radar because of the epiphany toilet and rude janitors. type of show floats your boat. Not my back under it for another few years. foul aftertaste 7th Heaven leaves on cup of tea, but now I’ve run out of Just thought I’d let the Penn com- anything that airs after it. However, Wednesday: That 70s Show (FOX, aphorisms. munity know when repeats air. You’re Treat Williams and the entire cast 8PM) gives viewers “Sally Simpson,” welcome. are truly deserving of praise. This an episode that centers around Amer- Friday: What I Like about You (WB, is a normal, layered family drama ica’s favorite graverobber, Ashton 8:30 PM) doles out “The Interview,” Sunday: Sex and the City (HBO, with great writing, something that Kutcher. He gets it on with Britain’s though the only thing lacking from 9PM) presents the prolific, reinvigo- new shows have desperately lacked. stage version of Meg Ryan, Alyson the episode is an interview. Always rating, inventive comedy’s final in- Though the title references love, or Hannigan, also known for flutes and charming and physically funny, stallment, “An American Girl in Paris, perhaps lust, I don’t think the show lesbian witchery. Possibly the most Amanda Bynes’ character, Holly, Part Duex.” Though I refuse to give has hit the soap opera level yet. underrated comedy on television, by blows off her college admissions in- anything away about SATC’s finale, critics anyway. If the retrospective terview to go on a date. No. Bad. Bad. it is an event you should not miss if Tuesday: Scrubs (NBC, 9:20ish PM) wackiness, hairstyles, and clothing No. Idiot child. In retrospect, perhaps you’ve ever watched the show. I know is all-new with Michael J. Fox. That’s aren’t enough to catch your attention, I should have skipped out on my a lot of people who will miss those all you need to know. It’s called “My then just tune in before watching the interview. Hell, if I were a different expensive outfits and lunchtime con- Porcelain God”. I wouldn’t repeat a bafflingly popular American Idol re- sexual persuasion and were dating versations about… stuff. Adieu, Carrie show recommendation so soon, after sults show. someone who looked like guest star Bradshaw, et al. only a span of two weeks, but watch- Nick Zano, then maybe I would have. ing Fox back on television was both Thursday: Without a Trace (CBS, Nah. You done bad, Holly. If You Can Only Watch One: Sex and brilliant and magical. He plays a phy- 10PM) is quickly becoming a true the City (Sunday). sician-and-surgeon who suffers from competitor for the ailing ER over on Saturday: Iron Chef (FOOD, 10PM) OCD. The man is a comic genius. The the ailing NBC. The show is a proce- serves up a horribly dubbed, thor- show is comic genius. Together, they dural about finding missing persons. oughly entertaining and melodra- are not to be missed. I say 9:20ish Lead actor Anthony LaPaglia recently matic cooking battle. I don’t have any because NBC is doing their stupid won a Golden Globe for his consider- information on which one it is (thank