WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT—Berliner & Kenny inspired by the Touchstone/Amblin film directed by Robert Zemeckis Original screenplay by Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman, based on the work of Gary K. Wolf CONFIDENTIAL—All Rights Reserved
IT’S GONNA BE FINE Book/Lyrics by Robert Berliner, Music by Aaron Kenny
With EDDIE VALIANT at his side, film studio executive R.K. MAROON sits underperforming star ROGER RABBIT down at his office desk to deliver the harsh news: the rabbit’s wife, JESSICA, has been caught playing “pattycake” (literally!) with gag king MARVIN ACME.
ROGER does not take it well.
ROGER (sobbing) It can't be! Not Jessica! I don’t believe it! It can’t be true!
EDDIE Believe it, kid—I took the pictures myself. She. Played. Patty cake.
(EDDIE hands ROGER the stack of incriminating photos, which the rabbit flips through incredulously. He has a breakdown.)
ROGER NO! NO! NO! NO! NONONONONONONONO! PAAAAAATTY CAKE, PAAAAAAAATTY CAKE. THIS ALL MUST BE SOME BIG MISTAKE!? THESE PHOTOGRAPHS?— THEY MUST BE FAKE! MY SOUL DOTH ACHE FROM PATTY CAKE.
(ROGER collapses, completely defeated, face down onto the desk, whimpering, and remains still. Then, an awkward silence.)
MAROON Roger… are you all ri—?
ROGER (leaping up with a new wave of passion) PAAAAATTY CAKE! PAAAAATTY CA—
EDDIE We get it!
(ROGER crumples back onto the desk, the life having been zapped from him.)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
MAROON Son, I know this all seems pretty painful now, but you’ll find a way through it! After all, that plucky optimism of yours is what makes you our brightest star!
ROGER Yeah…. Yeah, you're right!
(with his face still flat on the desk) IT’S GONNA BE FINE. IT’S GONNA BE FINE. SURE, THINGS ARE A MESS, BUT, NEVERTHELESS, THE SUN WILL SHINE.
(slowly lifting his head and sitting up) I DON’T HAVE A CLUE WHAT I SHOULD DO, OR WHAT THIS CRAZINESS MEANS, AND THOUGH MY HEART’S BEEN TORN APART— NO, B LOWN TO SMITHEREENS!—
IT’S GONNA BE FINE. IT’S GONNA BE FINE! AND S OON I’LL STOP THINKING ONLY OF DRINKING TURPENTINE… RIGHT?! WE’LL CLEAR UP THE CONFUSION AND LOOK BACK ON THIS WITH L AUGHTER. EVER AFTER ALL, IT’S GONNA BE FINE.
(ROGER plops back down onto the desk, quietly sobbing.)
MAROON That’s the spirit, son! We’ll get you back on those lucky rabbit’s feet of yours in no time, making hit pictures again.
IT’S GONNA BE FINE, SO, “ON WITH THE SHOW!” ENOUGH OF THIS ACHING— TIME FOR RAKING IN THE DOUGH.
I TELL YA,
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
MAROON ( cont.) THE FINEST CARROT WINE WILL OVERFLOW FROM YOUR CUP. SO DON’T DISMAY WHEN PEOPLE SAY THE RABBIT’S ALL WASHED UP.
ROGER People say what?!!?
MAROON (to VALIANT) Sing! EDDIE (uninspired) YEAH, THINGS’LL BE FINE. THAT ACME’S A CLOWN.
ROGER I WOULDN’T MIND IF HE WALKED OFF A CLIFF—
AND THEN LOOKED DOWN!
‘CAUSE JESSICA AND ME WERE MADE FOR HAPP’LY EVER AFTER.
MAROON & VALIANT EVER AFTER ALL, IT’S GONNA BE FINE.
MAROON Roger, cheer up. You’ll find someone new! Won’t he, Mr. Valiant?
EDDIE Yeah, sure. A good-looking guy like that? Dames’ll line up around the block.
(Throughout the following exchange, ROGER is face-down on the desk, first sobbing, then seething, a storm brewing within.)
MAROON YOU COULD ASK OUT OLIVE OYL?
EDDIE ONCE THE SPINACH HAS RUN DRY. BETTY BOOP’S A LOVELY “GOIL”?
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
MAROON YEAH, BUT TIME HAS PASSED HER BY.
EDDIE PEOPLE SAY SNOW WHITE’S “THE FAIREST”?
MAROON (pffft) THAT’S A LOTTA SHOWBIZ HYPE. HOW ‘BOUT MINNIE? EDDIE (protesting) SHE’S WITH MICKEY!
MAROON AW, COME ON! “SHE’S NOT HIS TYPE.” ( wink-wink)
CINDERELLA?
EDDIE GONE BY MIDNIGHT! MIGHT AS WELL BE GOING STAG. DAISY DUCK?
MAROON (wanna hear…) A SHOW BIZ SECRET? THAT’S JUST DONALD DUCK, IN DRAG.
EDDIE No kidding.
MAROON BETCHA TINKER BELL’S A CHEAP DATE?
EDDIE Sure!
MAROON HAVE DINNER
EDDIE & MAROON (gleefully sharing the same joke) “ON A DIME.”
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
MAROON JUDY JETSON!
EDDIE (never heard of her) “JUDY JETSON???”
MAROON NAH, IT’S NOT QUITE YET HER TIME.
EDDIE SNOW WHITE’S STEPMOM IS A “KNOCKOUT!”
MAROON WELL, HER A PPLES M AKE YA SWOON.
EDDIE (crudely joking) YOU COULD “TAKE OUT” BAMBI’S MOTHER?!
MAROON & ROGER BAMBI’S MOTHER?!
EDDIE WHAT?
ROGER (raising his head to wail) Too soon!
EDDIE …CLARA CLUCK?
MAROON C’MON, SHE’S CUCKOO! AND HER SINGING’S FOR THE BIRDS.
ROGER (he’s had enough—revitalized) LISTEN, JESSICA’S MY WIFE— AND WE’LL BE HAPPY, MARK MY WORDS!
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
ROGER ( cont.) IT’S GONNA BE FIIIIINE. WHAT’S WRONG, I’LL MAKE RIGHT. IN SPITE OF MY FROWN, I WON’T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!
‘CAUSE NO ONE’S GONNA KEEP US TWO FROM HAPP’LY EVER AFTER! HAPP’LY EVER AFTER, AND WE’LL BE
MAROON YOU’LL BE
EDDIE HE’LL BE
ALL JUST FIIIIINE!
(ROGER dramatically smashes through the closed window to exit.)