WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT—Berliner & Kenny inspired by the Touchstone/Amblin film directed by Robert Zemeckis Original screenplay by Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman, based on the work of Gary K. Wolf CONFIDENTIAL—All Rights Reserved
IT STINKS! Book/lyrics by Robert Berliner, music by Aaron Kenny
EDDIE VALIANT returns home from the scene of Acme’s murder and is met outside his door by Roger’s long-time co-star and friend, BABY HERMAN. Despite appearing to be a sweet, cartoon infant, BABY is actually a gruff, middle-aged man. He’s more cranky than usual—he’s here on a mission.
BABY HERMAN The rabbit didn’t kill Acme. I should know. He’s a dear friend of mine.
(EDDIE is unmoved. BABY tries to connect, man-to-man.)
Yanno, Valiant…
WE AIN’T SO DIFF’RENT, YOU AND ME.
(EDDIE reacts skeptically—pfffft?)
JUST—HEAR ME OUT, OKAY?
(grasping to keep EDDIE’s attention) Fer instance…
WE BOTH COULD USE A BOTTLE, AND A NAP.
EDDIE You're telling me!
BABY HERMAN AND, SURE, I LOOK LIKE I'M A "BABY," BUT I WAS NOT BORN YESTERDAY! SO I CAN TELL WHEN I CAN SMELL A LOAD. OF. GOD. DAMNED. CRAP.
Figuratively speakin', of course.
I’m tellin’ ya, Valiant—Roger Rabbit? A murderer??
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
BABY HERMAN ( cont.) The whole thing reeks like yesterday’s diapers.
IT STINKS! SOME SHADY STUFF IS GOIN’ ON. IT’S AWFULLY ROUGH THAT ACME’S GONE, BUT STILL… THERE’S GOTTA BE MORE TO IT THAN THE COPS OR PAPERS SAY. THIS STORY ISN’T BLACK-AND-WHITE THERE’S ALWAYS SHADES OF GRAY.
(ooh! COLORS!) AND REDS. AND GREENS! AND YELLOWS, BLUES, AND PINKS—
(EDDIE gestures to bring BABY back to reality.)
IT STINKS! ‘CAUSE EVERY COP WHO’S ON THE BEAT LOOKS FOR A TOON TO TAKE THE HEAT THESE DAYS. AND ROGER DIDN’T DO IT, BUT TO THEM IT’S JUST AS WELL! SOME PEOPLE ONLY LIKE US WHEN THEY SEE US IN A CEL. [/CELL]
(EDDIE turns to leave. BABY persists.)
LOOK, IT STINKS THE RABBIT’S WANTED, AND THAT ACME HAD TO CROAK. IT STINKS THE SYSTEM’S BUSTED, AND THAT JUSTICE IS A JOKE. IT STINKS YOU TOOK THOSE PICTURES
(ENOUGH. EDDIE makes for his door.)
SO THAT ROGER TAKES THE BLAME. IT STINKS THAT YOU WOULD WALK AWAY WITHOUT ONE LICK OF SHAME!
(Touché. EDDIE turns to listen.)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
BABY HERMAN ( cont.) IT STINKS! YOU WERE A HERO, AND A FRIEND; A HUMAN WE COULD ALL DEPEND UPON. SO COME ON, BOSS, BEFORE THEY TOSS THE RABBIT IN THE CLINK, JUST CHANGE YOUR MIND AND HELP TO FIND THE TRUTH BEHIND THE STINK.
EDDIE The truth, huh? I’ll tell you the truth.
You’re right,
IT STINKS! BUT NO ONE SAID THAT LIFE WAS FAIR. BELIEVE ME, PAL, I’M WELL AWARE IT’S NOT. YOU LIVE A LIFE OF LAUGHTER, THEN YOU TAKE A MIGHTY FALL— SO IT HAPPENS TO THE RABBIT. IT CAN HAPPEN TO US ALL!
IT STINKS THAT WITH YOUR LOONY, TOONY “PEP” YOU TOONS HAVE GIVEN ME A REP! NO MORE! I’M THROUGH WITH TOONTOWN’S TROUBLES, I GOT TROUBLES OF MY OWN. I WON’T PRETEND; I’M N OT Y OUR FRIEND! SO JUST L EAVE ME ALONE.
BABY HERMAN IT STINKS YOU’D BE SO STUBBORN WITH A MYS’TRY TO BE SOLVED.
EDDIE IT STINKS YOU AREN’T LIST’NING— I. DON’T. WANT. TO. BE. INVOLVED!
BABY HERMAN You're already involved!
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
EDDIE IT STINKS I CAN’T PAY RENT.
BABY HERMAN Rent!? THEY WANNA TAKE OUR HOMES, FOR GOOD! IF THEY FOUND SOME WAY TO KILL US ALL, THEY ABSOLUTELY WOULD!
(Musical epiphany—Oh NO. BABY is right! And EDDIE has just met DOOM, the man who wants to do it. This is serious.)
EDDIE Wait a minute! Now, hold on! That's… [c razy?? But. It isn't.] That's not… that's…
Well, whaddya mean, take your homes?
BABY HERMAN Toontown. Acme owned it, right? He promised he’d leave Toontown to us Toons! The paper says Acme didn't leave a will… but that's a load of bullpucky. Every Toon knows Acme had a will! That will is why he got rubbed out. EDDIE And what do you suppose I do about it?
BABY HERMAN Somebody’s just gotta start asking the right questions.
(“why”s evoke baby crying, increasingly unnerving EDDIE)
WHYYYYYYYYY… DID MARVIN ACME WIND UP DEAD? WHYYYYYYYYY… CAN’T ANYBODY FIND HIS WILL? WHYYYYYYYYY’D… THEY DROP A SAFE RIGHT ON HIS HEAD?
BOTH WHO WANTS TOONTOWN BAD ENOUGH TO KILL?
Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL
BABY HERMAN EDDIE (echo/counter) IT STINKS IT STINKS YOU PUT THE RABBIT IN A STEW I TOOK SOME PICTURES NOW ALL OF TOONTOWN LOOKS TO BUT THERE’S NO YOU, MY FRIEND JUSTICE IN THE END—I ’m not your friend!
‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE TO HELP US, THAT’S WHAT EV’RYBODY THINKS Oh, yeah? NO TIME TO BE A LOAFER WHO JUST SITS AROUND AND DRINKS Hey, watch it!
BABY HERMAN ‘CAUSE SOMETHING’S ROTTEN, EDDIE! START CONNECTING ALL THE LINKS.
EDDIE NO, I DON’T LIKE THE SMELL OF IT ONE BIT…
BOTH IIIIIIIIIIIIIT STIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKS!
EDDIE I’ll see what I can do.
(Eddie slams his office door shut.)