ENTERTAINMENTpage 21 Technique • Friday, September 8, 2006 • 21

VOLLEYBALL DEFEATS UGA LIBRARY WELCOMES ART On their way to capturing the Regency A planned mural brings new color ENTERTAINMENT Invitational Midtown Championship, and art to the conference room on the volleyball beat Georgia. Page 36 seventh floor of the library. Page 17 Technique • Friday, September 8, 2006 Shinedown rocks Hi-Fi Buys, Southern style Rollergirls vs. Apocalypstix By Craig Tabita grow,” Kerch said. Contributing Writer The Amphitheater is an outdoor In the final match of the At- stage with a large pavilion for fans lanta Rollergirls’ season, the Sake Shinedown rocked the Hi-Fi to sit comfortably underneath, with Tuyas will compete against the Buys Amphitheater on Wednesday, an expansive lawn surrounding the Apocalypstix. The Championship Aug. 30, opening for Rob Zombie outside facing the stage. Showdown Throwdown will begin and Godsmack. By the time Shinedown took this Sunday at 7p.m. Tickets are The night featured three solid the stage at 7p.m., the crowd was $10. All-American Skating Center. acts who all share in common the relatively sparse, likely a consequence Visit www.atlantarollergirls.com heavy they play, and it of the humidity and the Georgia sun for more information. provided the unusual opportunity still brightly shining down. for concert-goers to see three success- This combination of environ- Celebrate Gumby ful rock acts, all at different stages mental factors didn’t exactly lend of a rock band the open-aired and Pokey again career. Amphitheater to Shinedown “I might have just being the ideal The exhibit in the Center for is a young band, location for a Puppetry Arts’ Love Family Atrium fresh off of their got in a fight with bunch of music celebrates Art Clokey’s Gumby. The second , my wife, or my fans to pack in green claymation character, and his 2005’s Us And densely, dance best friend Pokey, the red horse, Them. mortgage is late... and scream. appeared in over 200 episodes and Despite their but I still have to go But those inspired today’s stop-animation art- huge success on who were around ists like Tim Burton. Tickets are $16 the radio and out there and kill early were given for adults and include admission to the charts, par- [the drums].” an outstanding Photo courtesy of Josh Rothstein all current special exhibits. ticularly with the performance by Shinedown’s southern rock tunes filled the Hi-Fi Buys Amphithe- single “Save Me” an unsung band ater on Wednesday, Aug. 30, before Rob Zombie and Godsmack. Yellow Daisy Festival which reached Barry Kerch with few the- number one on Drummer, Shinedown atrics but with grassy fields, far away from the stage, Godsmack broke through in 1998 at Stone Mountain the Billboard some good, pure with a wave of screams following his with their self-titled album and hasn’t rock charts, Shinedown is still look- rock music. path as he made his way through the looked back since then. This weekend, the 38th annual ing to become a household name Shinedown went through hits crowd and hundreds of cell phones Their fourth album, 2006’s IV, Yellow Daisy Festival will be held like the way the other acts in this from their debut album Leave a snapping pictures. has been tremendously successful at Stone Mountain Park. Voted the show have. Whisper such as “45”, as well as “It’s all about putting on a show. like each one before it and will likely #1 arts and crafts show four years “We’ve had seven singles on the songs from their latest album like All these kids pay so much money be their fourth record to go platinum in a row. More than 500 artists radio. Eight now,” said Barry Kerch, “Heroes” and “I Dare You”. to see a rock show. You gotta give in the near future. and crafters from 38 states and 2 Shinedown’s drummer. “I think this one’s a little more them everything you have, night Kerch, with an undertone of countries will be at the festival, and “I can still go into a mall, and stripped down. A little more straight after night. If I’m sick or not in the self-deprecation, explained why the daily live entertainment, Children’s when we walk into a mall together, ahead rock, not as many overdubs, mood, [I] still have to give it, because band was on the tour. Corner activities, clogging and it’s obvious that we’re in a band, and a little more classic rock style,” to them it’s the first time they’ve seen “Godsmack, for some unknown crafter demonstrations will go on and they go, ‘What band are you Kerch said. [our] show…I might have just got in reason, is a fan of ours. We love it. throughout the weekend. in?’ and we tell them ‘Shinedown,’ Shinedown ended their perfor- a fight with my wife, or my mortgage They said ‘We want Shinedown to Admission is free, though parking and they go ‘Shine who?’. It’s very mance with the smash hit “Save Me.” is late, or all these other things, but be the other band on this tour,’ and is $8 per vehicle. Please see www. frustrating for us, the band, because For the finale, singer Brent Smith left [I] still have to go out there and kill God forbid we be the ones to deny stonemountainpark.com for more we want to be bigger, we want to the stage and headed straight for the it,” Kerch said. that to those guys,” Kerch said. information. Scottie Mayfield visits campus

By Jonathan Saethang Contributing Writer

The dining halls at Tech are usu- ally crowded around the lunch and dinner rush, as droves of hungry students pile into the halls for a sat- isfying meal. The diners at Woodruff on last Wednesday, Aug. 30, however, experienced a special “treat.” Not only did students receive free Mayfield ice cream, but they also were able to shake hands with the man behind the brand – Scottie Mayfield, himself. Tech students buzzed with

excitement and enthusiasm at the Photo Courtesty Harold House prospect of meeting Mayfield, and Tech alumnus and dairy mogul Scottie Mayfield visited Woodruff Dining countless students brought posters Hall last Wednesday for the official opening of the ice cream bar. for Mayfield to autograph. One enthusiastic freshman, Nathan gia Tech in 1973 with a degree in water and delivered to the locals.” Welch, even brought a one-quart Management. He originally came to Now, 84 years later, Mayfield Dairy jug of Mayfield milk for Mayfield Tech to play football, but the family serves nine states and manufactures to sign. Smiles and laughter filled business was always in him. “I started a wide array of premium-quality the room as Scottie shook hands working on the farm when I was dairy products. and posed for photographs. eleven years old,” Mayfield said. Innovation seems to be one of the Mayfield, the president of May- After graduation, he returned to cornerstones of Mayfield’s success. field Dairy Farms, paid his Alma Tennessee where he started working “Our customers have changed a lot mater a visit to celebrate the arrival in the factory. He ascended the ranks over the years,” Mayfield noted. of Mayfield’s dipped ice creams in and eventually assumed leadership “They are very demanding, and they Woodruff Dining Hall. Apparently, a of the company that he holds to should be. We are always striving to simple invitation from Todd Schram, this day. make products that meet and exceed the director of Operations of GT The highly popular Mayfield our customers’ expectations.” By Ariel Bravy/ STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Dining, was all it took for Mayfield company had humble beginnings. A strong and well-managed to stop by Tech to meet and greet “My grandfather started the business Adam Hyneman of the Mythbusters crew, visited workforce is another aspect of the elling the truth: the students. in 1912 with just 45 cows,” Mayfield campus to speak about his popular Discovery Channel program. T Mayfield graduated from Geor- said. “The milk was cooled in spring See Scottie page 26 22 • Friday, September 8, 2006 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT King of Fighters Neoworld provides thrifty thrills By Nathan Garcia against the computer or a human Contributing Writer player. There is also an “endless” mode where you can fight a cease- King Of Fighters Neowave (KOF) less string of computer-controlled for the Xbox harkens back to the characters until your health meter days when Capcom’s Street Fighter expires. While the reward is minimal, II was popular. Dropping quarters performing well in endless mode into the machine to challenge other unlocks high-resolution character people in virtual fisticuffs was the pictures, available in the gallery. high point for T he w ide the afternoons range of charac- of many. One welcome ters helps keep While SNK feature...is the the game fresh. Playmore’s take The game offers on the fight- Xbox live function over 24 distinct ing game, the which allows you to fighters, each Art Of Fight- having his own ing series which fight anyone from unique fighting later became the anywhere in the style; none seems King Of Fighters to have a large world. By Ariel Bravy / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS (KOF) series, advantage over Tech students can now enjoy King of Fighters Neowave, a new game for the Xbox console in Tech Rec. hasn’t enjoyed another. This Though lacking on graphics and music, the $20 price tag increases the game’s student appeal. the same suc- makes the player cess as Capcom, it still has its own rely more on skill than a sure-fire which is important in keeping the nice if they had taken advantage of like “You are just a bunch of fool!” dedicated fan base. The next game move. It is even possible to edit the timing of attacks consistent. The the custom soundtrack feature. or “Argh! Is this the end… of lovable in the series, KOF Neowave, should colors of the characters to a scheme graphics aren’t overly impressive. Another somewhat disappointing Igniz?”, when you are playing the please those loyal fans while con- of your liking. The backgrounds and characters feature is the lack of any post-game game. Overall, however, for a $20 tinuing to provide a good time for One welcome feature that helps don’t look as good as other 2-D victory quotes or a real story. Part of game, this is worth every penny. If casual gamers. simulate the arcade experience is spirte-based games, but the attack the charm of the KOF games are the you enjoy exploring every facet of Neowave’s gameplay modes are the “Xbox Live” function which al- effects can provide a few exciting sometimes cheesy and often humor- fighting games or just want a fun standard. Most come from the team- lows you to fight anyone all over the moments. The game’s music isn’t ous choice of words the translators pick-up-and-play title, check out and-single-character fight modes world. The lag issues are minimal, very noteworthy; it would’ve been put in the game. There is nothing King Of Fighters Neowave. Your Friday lectures have nothing on us!

3x4 buzzcard

3x4 ks1 ENTERTAINMENT Technique • Friday, September 8, 2006 • 23 Dreadheads documentary follows alternative lifestyle By Craig Tabita to LSD and inhalants. Contributing Writer Another is their relentless praise of the late Grateful Dead front-man Dreadheads: Portrait of a Sub- Jerry Garcia, which is reminiscent culture documents a society of not of fans admiring a legendary nomadic music fans who can be musician, but rather of born-again found following the tours of bands Christians referring to their Savior; like the Grateful Dead, Phish and deceased friends and family are not Widespread Panic, their uniting dead, but “with Jerry”, and many thread being the medusa-like coifs enthusiastically cite the music and worn by all. memory of Garcia or the Grateful The beginning of the film is Dead as the single, most influential spent introducing the viewer to the inspiration and guiding light in overall concept behind dreadlocks. their lives. To the uninitiated, dreadlocks are Beyond that, the dreadheads the matted, nappy ropes of hair that appear to fall into two separate eventually develop in those who give categories. There are the zoned-out, up all forms of apathetic types traditional hair who seem to care, or alterna- have ended up tively in those There is much to be as dreadheads who enlist the learned by watching by a process of aid of substances elimination. like beeswax to this documentary, Those who speed up the including recognizing believe in the process. stereotypical ir- According to and pursuins one’s responsible, lazy the film, to wear inner concept of hippie will feel dreadlocks is to vindicated hear- Photo Courtesy Michelle Roche embrace nature truth... ing from people and individual who claim to A woman in fairy wings and a bindi is one of many ecclectic personalities featured in Dreadheads: freedom while have climbed Portrait of a Subculture, a documentary about the colorful lives of those with dreadlocks. rejecting the complacency of living aboard the metaphorical dreadhead by a short clip from a woman who are now (and may ever be). observing the behavior of some the life and following the arbitrary bus for no better reason than that explained how the “energy” from It would certainly be ill-advised carefree music fans, there is much rules that corporate America has they were too lazy to keep combing her dreadlocks created a personal to be learned by watching this carved out. their hair and that it just kind of aura for her that made her a stronger documentary, including recognizing The decision to grow dreadlocks happened on its own. and better person. She said all that I am well aware and pursuing one’s inner concept of is not driven by a desire to be fash- A second, surprisingly extensive was necessary for this to be true was truth, and not getting hung up on ionable; their sprouting follows group is formed by those who are as that she sincerely believed in it, and that the only aura what seems to be the proper, safe, and a complete change in lifestyle for eccentric as the first, but who have it would work. given off by those accepted way to go about things. But their bearer. perfectly intelligent reasons for As a student of the scientific surely it must be possible to do all This new lifestyle manifests itself adopting a way of life that many method, I am well aware that the only dreadlocks is the this while also maintaining a neat not just as a philosophical transfor- outsiders write off as ridiculous. aura given off by those dreadlocks is type that makes and clean head of hair. mation but as a complete physical This film is worth seeing just for the type that makes me glad that I Dreadheads is available for one, as well; dreadlocks just happen the entertainment value the first was seeing her hair and not smelling me glad that I was purchase from www.dreadheads. to be the aspect first noticed. group provides, but the movie’s it, yet I recognize that there is great seeing her hair and com, and the documentary will be Besides the individualist at- deeper meaning is developed by this truth to what she said. shown Thursday, Sept. 14, at 7 p.m. titude, the hair and the overall lack second group when they reflect on If life is about being happy, ac- not smelling it... at Garden Hills Cinema in Midtown. of personal hygiene, the dreadheads who they are and the choices they complishing your goals, and spend- Following the film will be a question have even more in common. One, of have made that separate them from ing time with people you love, then a and answer session with producer course, is the heavy use of intoxicants the rest of us. lot of these people are as much, if not for most to drop everything and and co-director Steve Hurlburt and ranging from alcohol and marijuana For me, this was best exemplified more successful than most at Tech become dreadheads. But beyond co-director Flournoy Holmes. join the ’nique Weekly Activities RANDOM ACT OF FUN! FEATURE MOVIE: blueprint 11 a.m. - Noon, Skiles Walkway "CARS" Every 2nd Thursday of the month! Thursday & Palm Reader - Thursday, September 14 Sunday, September Petting Zoo - Thursday, October 12 14 & 17 Oxygen Bar - Thursday, November 9 Thursday shows erato at 7 p.m. & LIVE LUNCH SERIES 10 p.m. Sunday at 3 p.m. & 6 p.m. 11 a.m. - Noon, Campanile 3 p.m. show is a Kiddie Matinee Nov. 16th will be located at the Location: Student Center Theater Commons Stage Ticket Information: $2.00 With northavenuereview Every 3rd Thursday of the month! BuzzCard - $3.00 without. Thursday, September 21 Children under 12 free on Sunday Thursday, October 19 Thursday, November 16 @ 3 p.m. writers | photographers CASH pizza-eaters | editors | movie critics | gamers 9 BALL POOL TOURNAMENT PRIZE CASH Every Thursday @ 6:30 p.m. sports enthusiasts | layout designers | artists PRIZEDouble Elimination - $8 to enter, $6 with Frequent Player Card theater-goers | engineers Location: Tech Rec, 1st floor of Student Center FOR MORE INFORMATION ON ALL THESE EVENTS AND MORE VISIT OUR WEBSITE: WWW.FUN.GATECH.EDU 24 • Friday, September 8, 2006 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT

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Vanguard, Connect with Vanguard, and the ship logo are trademarks of The Vanguard Group, Inc. All other marks are the exclusive property of their respective owners. ©2006 The Vanguard Group, Inc. All rights reserved. ENTERTAINMENT Technique • Friday, September 8, 2006 • 25 THEME CROSSWORD: ON THE UP AND UP By Robert Zimmerman 58. Ñ-kebab DOWN Uniter Features Sundicate 59. CSA soldier 1. Wrestling maneuver 62. With skill 2. Elvis Ñ Presley ACROSS 63. Bikini event: 2 wds. 3. Lodger’s request: 2 wds. 1. Criminal code 64. Ta-ta 4. More biting in winter 5. Claire of “Little Women” 65. Between chi and omega 5. Wish for (1994) 66. Bender 6. Put in a row 10. Below: prefix 67. Column opening: 2 7. In the neighborhood 15. Not ajar wds. 8. Long, long time 19. Spoken 71. War theater in the 60s 9. Hockey’s Grimson 20. “Wasteland” poet 74. Country 10. Answer to ÒWho’s 21. Beginners 76. Brooks there?”: 2 wds. 22. Traffic diverter 77. Pie Ñ mode: 11. Nothing: Lat. 23. A cola, familarly 2 wds. 12. Worry 24. A new arrival may be 78. Latin I verb 13. Ñ vs. Wade handed this: 2 wds. 80. Pick up, in a way 14. Of the stars 26. Sen. Vinick on “The 81. Overhangs West Wing” 82. Barge 15. More meager 27. Plant-growth measure: 83. Did yardwork 16. Mugger: 2 wds. hyph. 85. Outstanding perfor- 17. Cancel a computer 29. Leave out mance: 2 wds. mistake 30. With no pattern 87. Gold Rush territory 18. Harnessed pair 32. Change of 88. Wearing a smile 25. Member of the armee direction 90. Full-strength 28. Offended 33. Hawker’s line 91. Antitoxins 31. Tiny colonists 35. Congo language 92. Take weapons away 33. Dinner course 36. Seek a goal 93. Smoker’s traces 34. High degrees 38. “Matilda” author 95. C-shaped tool 35. Montana mining center 39. Numerous 96. Per Ñ 36. Cobwebbed area 42. Be silent: Mus. 98. Italian wine center 37. Dark fur 43. Guest room feature: 2 99. Beaches 38. Fund-raising target wds. 102. Actress Ñ Sommer 39. One of 12 46. Big rigs 103. All-purpose wheels: 2 40. Bean 47. Skiers get a rise out of it: wds. 41. Sports network 61. Feathered neckwear wds. 94. Hit the books hyph. 107. Mississippi’s sediment 43. Sudden raid 63. Of the bees 75. Song collection 95. Jazz pianist Ñ Taylor 48. Dr. Salk 108. Wife of Osiris 44. Review favorably 64. Stage door attraction 76. Indian princes 96. Cover a room 49. Harangues 109. Measured by walking: 45. “Thou Ñ not then be 66. Good buy 79. As tiny as possible 97. As well 51. On- or off- with “off” false...” 67. Fairway scar 81. Foil 98. Bank rec. follower 110. Weird 48. Taking shape, as plans 68. Data insurance, of a 82. Guesses 99. Certain 52. Down with 111. Caesar’s existence 50. Soaps? sort: 2 wds. 84. “Curses!” 100. Besides the flu 112. Trent of MS 53. Airline transfer points 69. “Ulysses” character 86. Square 101. Hodgepodge 53. Name of Judean king 113. Gateway 54. Luster 70. Shows lack of interest 87. Roll call responses 104. Actor McKellen 54. Carolina river 114. Skater’s 57. Drink like Fido 71. Pusher’s nemesis 89. Frozen dessert 105. It went overboard in 55. A Bobbsey jumps 58. Muscular 72. Asian nurse 91. Quenches, as thirst ‘73 56. Type of phone 115. Twist 60. Corn servings 73. Model’s carry-on: 2 93. One who queries 106. Dinosaur designation

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Age 18+ OK Call 1-800-965- 770-491-6092 [email protected]. 404-405-9228. 6520 ext 216 emory.edu 26 • Friday, September 8, 2006 • Technique ENTERTAINMENT Price and participation may vary. ©Price 2006 McDonald’sand participation may vary. Mayfield article © 2006 McDonald’s spices here... up signature sound By Kenneth Baskett of Audioslave’s heaviest tracks to Senior Staff Writer date and has one of the coolest bass lines ever. When I first heard that Chris Morello plays the guitar like only Cornell of fame would he can on the title track, moving be teaming up with Rage Against the from a tight hip-hop riff to a pop Machine’s (RATM) , friendly chorus to a great solo (one and , of many on the album). The first I expected it to be great. single, “,” has a great Combining one of the best 70’s vibe to it, reminiscent of the vocalists of the last two decades Doobie Brothers or Grand with a band as unique and instantly Railroad. recognizable as RATM had to be a But despite these creative musi- recipe for success, right? Despite the cal detours, the band has not given negative reviews that Audioslave’s up their mainstream appeal. “One first album received, I loved it. I think and the Same” is one of many radio- it is one of the best rock records ever. friendly tracks with a very singable But I just couldn’t get into the new, chorus: “Just like blood and rain, love positive Audio- and pain are one slave on Out of in the same.” Exile, the band’s Listening to this In the past, second album. record is like eating C ornel l ha s Wit h t he shied away from band’s newest a Double Stuf Oreo singing political release, Revela- for the first time: rants for fear of tions, they depart becoming the from the happy- it’s got the same old “new Zack de la go-lucky songs ingredients, but they Rocha.” of It seems his and showcase a just taste better this confidence as funkier sound time. the singer of with politically Audioslave has infused lyrics. solidified, ap- Cornell’s voice is stronger and parent in the inclusion of several more soulful than ever, and Tom political songs on Revelations. One Morello is showing us once again of the most overt of these is “Wide that he is one of the best guitarists Awake”, in which Cornell sings, “You in contemporary rock music. But can look a hurricane right in the eye beyond the two standouts of the / Twelve hundred people dead or left band, Commerford and Wilk have to die,” summarizing his feelings on both stepped up their game, mak- the government’s response to Hur- ing them one of the best rhythm ricane Katrina. sections around. This is, without a doubt, the best So, with the band at an all-time Audioslave record yet and possibly high, one question remains: did one of the best of the year. their pop success on Out of Exile While not necessarily forging any make them soft? new ground, the group has perfected Thankfully, the answer is no. the Audioslave sound. Listening to this record is like eat- Whether it’s for Cornell’s power- ing a Double Stuf Oreo for the first ful vocals, Morello’s signature guitar time: it’s got the same old ingredients, sound or the amazing song writing on but they just taste better this time. behalf of the entire group, any music “Jewel of the Summertime” is one fan should pick this one up.

from page 21 our customers.” Scottie As an alumnus, Mayfield shares Mayfield company to which he at- a special connection with the Tech tributes his successes. student body. “As the management, our goal “The ability to analyze situations is to maintain quality standards,” and find solutions was valuable to Mayfield said. “We have a lot of me in my career,” Mayfield said, very dedicated people that really commenting on the value of his Tech enjoy making and serving great education. “Academics at Tech are products.” incredible. I hope that the students Angie Melhorn, Food Services here realize what an awesome school Sales Manager of Mayfield Dairy they’re attending.” Farms, can attest to the high quality Mayfield also offered a help- products that Mayfield produces. ful piece of advice for current “I believe we have the best milk students. and ice cream,” Melhorn said. “In “Have a sense of balance…don’t fact, that’s what I missed most after do too much of anything,” he said. moving away from home – Mayfield “Take your education seriously, but milk.” have fun too.” Mayfield’s employees also ex- The success of Mayfield Dairy pressed a great sense of loyalty to the Farms is certainly inspiring, for it company. “I’ve been with Mayfield is built on passion and a drive to for fifteen years,” said Harold House, produce nothing but the highest the Mayfield Dairy Farm’s Tech sales quality products. representative. I enjoy working for Even though Mayfield is always Mayfield…Scottie is really a great on his toes to produce new flavors and person to his employees” products, he has clearly not forgotten Although it may seem effortless where he started. “I am so plain. I to the constantly smiling Mayfield, love vanilla,” Mayfield said. running such a large business is no Perhaps his taste might seem a bit easy task. “There is so much com- old-fashioned, but that, of course, petition for good employees these is Scottie Mayfield. days,” Mayfield said. “But it’s an Aileen Li also contributed to this ongoing positive challenge to serve article. ENTERTAINMENT Technique • Friday, September 8, 2006 • 27 0100101101001010TWO BITS 1001101010011010 Two Bits Man details his epic road trip across Flatagonia Let’s talk about that greatest of make all other road trips run home to of driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiving.” So I reluctantly left.” I highly recommend this fine all college traditions (no, I don’t their mommies. We threw our bags found myself behind the wheel of Note: it did not say “Nebraska establishment, should you ever mean Two Bits Man’s hip parties into the cherry-red 1965 Mustang what could possibly be the world’s Museum of Art.” So here I am, find yourself in Middleofnowhere, with scores of beautiful women and convertible…wait. Sorry, I confused most janktastic car. Ever. driving through a lot of corn as Nebraska. Once we got out of the a plethora of fine liquors)…I mean myself with the movies again. We At some point I became delirious my partners in crime are sleeping boring states, aka Flatagonia, the the road trip. actually threw our bags into a blue from traveling on land so flat that I peacefully, pondering what exactly road trip got a little better, though This mythical experience, im- (except for the rusty spots) 1982 couldn’t tell I was moving. (If this Nebraska art might be. How would it did not live up to my expectations mortalized in such movies as Oldsmobile Cutlass. One of my confuses you, please refer to Newton’s it be different from, say, Kansas of the college road trip. National Lampoon’s Vacation, Easy companions took the first “driving first law.) Then I passed the sign that art or South Dakota art? Is it art For example, I did not assist a Rider, and the infinitely inferior Road shift.” I settled, the best I could, into would become my obsession for about Nebraska, art cre- helpless, beautiful and buxom farm Trip, is supposed to be the pinnacle the backseat, which smelled vaguely the next two hours: “Museum ated by Nebraskans or girl who was stranded on the side of of college life. For weeks, there’s of ancient french fries and grass clip- of Nebraska Art, next any art created within road. I did not visit such novelties as just you and a bunch of buddies, a pings, and we headed west. state boundaries? And the world’s largest ball of twine or classic convertible, the open road The problem with the how interesting could the world’s largest frying pan. The and the wind blowing your hair. majority of the United Nebraska art* pos- heap that I was driving wasn’t stolen, That’s the way it’s supposed to work. States is that it’s im- sibly be? I mean, nor were there any improbable chase And I suppose it does work that possibly, interminably, Nebraska is one scenes to recover it. And at no time way, in the MOVIES. Real college incomparably, insanely of those vaguely did we inhale illegal substances. road trips are, shall we say, a bit less flat (Two Bits Man rectangular states (Which is unfortunate, as I now picturesque. rocked his verbal SAT, in the middle of remember the whole trip in vivid And I would know, as this sum- and that quiz in senior the country detail.) mer I traveled all the way across lit on alliteration). Seri- and it has I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. our impressively large country. ously, from here to the exactly Nothing in college lives up to ex- By car. Not by airplane. And you Rocky Mountains, ev- two cit- pectations anyway (except for my know why? Not only are airplane erything is flat. I couldn’t ies. Not, talents in this column and with the tickets ridiculously expensive, the tell the states apart. Given of course, ladies, of course). In conclusion, if most recent set of “helpful airline that, I propose we combine that Oma- you want to go somewhere, suck it regulations” require me to be strip- all the states east of the ha isn’t a com- up and take an airplane.*** searched, interrogated and wrapped Rocky Mountains and west pletely rockin’’ *My deepest and most sincere in a straitjacket for the duration of of Atlanta into one giant place**. apologies to the residents of Ne- my flight to ensure that I do not state, “Flatagonia.” I suggest Even though we braska and/or the fine artists of become “a terrorist threat.” And that its state motto be “What missed the Museum Nebraska. they’ll even throw away my shampoo! ain’t corn is beans.” of Nebraska Art ** Becca-Sue from Omaha, feel But I digress. Approximately 45 min- (which I deeply free to keep in touch. I started with the expectation utes into our trip across regret), we man- *** Just be sure not to pack that my road trip would be legend- Flatagonia, all of my whiny aged to stop by anything that might have once ary. Truly, the road trip that would compatriots were “tiiiiiiiiiired Aunt Lou’s Diner. resembled a liquid.

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NON SEQUITUR BY WILEY Dave Barry If she had a hammer So my wife and I are preparing for childbirth. BASEMENT!” except in the childbirth class you want When I say, “my wife and I,” I, of course, mean “my to shout, “DON'T GO INTO LABOR!” wife.” She will be the most directly involved. But she always does go into labor. It seems to last a LOT On behalf of all men, I just want to take a moment here longer than necessary. Hours turn into days, and still she to get down on my knees and thank whoever invented is in labor. Outside her window, the seasons change. Her our current biological system, under which the woman's doctor grows old and gray and is eventually replaced by a job is to have the baby somehow go from the inside of new doctor, and STILL this poor woman is in labor. her body to the outside of her body, in clear violation of Her husband keeps telling her she's doing great, but every known law of physics, and the man's job is to stand you can tell from her expression that he's very lucky she around looking supportive and periodically, no matter doesn't have a ball-peen hammer. Eventually she becomes what is actually happening to the woman, say, in an so deranged that she apparently does not even notice upbeat and perky voice, “You're doing great!” that there is a cameraperson shooting extreme close-up My wife thinks the only fair system would be if, every footage of...OK, let's just say that it is not her most flat- time the woman had a contrac- tering angle. tion, she got to hit her husband on When the woman gets to ap- the body part of her choice with a proximately her 15th year of labor, ball-peen hammer. Of course, she she begins making noises that you is kidding. But only because her rarely hear outside of nature docu- contractions have not yet started. mentaries, and her husband edges We've been going to Childbirth back a little bit in case she gets her Classes, which involve sitting in hands on a scalpel. The movie now a classroom filled with expectant becomes very explicit, causing the couples and a mounting sense of entire childbirth class to go into a dread. mass cringe, all of us hunched up and The teacher usually starts with a involuntarily protecting as many of scientific discussion of childbirth, our body parts as possible. in which she shows us various I use this time to practice my diagrams and models to give us squinting, which is the most im- an idea of what will be happening portant thing the husband learns when the Big Moment arrives.In in childbirth class. I use a special my opinion, the most informative Lamaze squinting technique that way to do this would be to hold up enables me to prevent virtually all a bowling ball and a drinking straw, rays of light from penetrating my and say: “Basically, THIS has to go eyeballs. through THIS. Ha ha!” When the woman in the movie makes a noise identi- But our teacher keeps it fairly technical. After a while, cal to what you'd hear if a live yak went through a garlic we're starting to feel confident about this childbirth thing. press, I unsquint just enough to see it happen, the Blessed We're thinking, “OK, all that has to happen is the cervix Event, the timeless miracle that makes the whole thing has to dilate to 10 centimeters! How hard can that be? I worthwhile: an alien bursting out of the woman's chest wonder what a cervix is? Also, a centimeter.” cavity. So we're pondering these abstract questions and maybe No, seriously, what happens is that the woman has a thinking about what we're going to have for dinner later baby, via a process that makes what happened in “Alien” when suddenly, with no warning, the teacher turns out look like an episode of “Teletubbies.” the lights and shows a horror movie. Then our childbirth-class teacher turns the lights on, Oh, it starts out innocently enough: There's a nice and the pregnant women all turn to face their husbands couple consisting of a woman who is pregnant and a and the women all have the same facial expression, which man who is supportive-looking and generally has a says: “This is NOT fair.” We husbands respond by smiling beard. They seem happy, but you just know she's going supportively and patting their arms in a reassuring man- to go into labor. ner. Because we're sure they're going to do great. You want to stop her. It's exactly like those scary mov- (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published ies whre the heroine goes down into the basement, and on Jan. 23, 2000.) you want to shout, “DON'T GO DOWN INTO THE Copyright © 2006, The Miami Herald. Distributed by the Tribune Media Service COMICS Technique • Friday, September 8, 2006 • 29

NON SEQUITUR BY WILEY DILBERT ® BY SCOTT ADAMS