Steeler Mania! Photo by Jeff Swensen

CONTENTS AND STAFF Contents Page 4 Fitness Pages 6-7 Wine & Brew Pages 8-9 Dining Page 10 Night Tech Page 12 Theater Page 13 Romance Page 14 Music Page 16 Local Business Page 17 Nightlife Page 18 Travel Pages 20-21 Steeler Mania Pages 22-37 Humor Page 38 Horoscopes Page 39 Classifieds

Staff Publisher: Joyce Campisi Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III Production Manager: Rob Hoffman Photographer: Craig Heinauer, Natalie Rapp, Todd Brunozzi, Jeff Swensen Graphic Designer: Donnie Garber Dennis Kostley Administrative Assistant: Tammie Miller Feature Writers: Suz Pisano, Trish Imbrogno, Kara Czerniak, Christopher Harper, David Mayle Contributing Writers: Bill Mace Jean Mace, Dottie Wilhelm, Lori Hon, Boris Pekol Webmaster: Benjamin Auman Distribution: Take One USA

Nightwire 622 Second Avenue Pittsburgh, PA. 15219 Phone: 412-755-1055 • Fax: 412-755-1056 [email protected]/www.nightwire.net

Copyright ®, SX publications, Nightwire. All rights reserved. SX Publications, Nightwire owns the copyrights of the photographs and contents of this publication. No part of this publication may be reproduced, modified, retransmitted or published in any part of copyrighted material without the expressed written permission of the publisher. The articles and editorials are meant for entertainment purposes only, and do not necessarily represent opinions of SX Publications, Nightwire, they are those of the writers and advertisers and may not necessarily represent those of SX Publications, Nightwire. SX Publications, Nightwire in no way offers any recommendations, endorsements or guarantees of any kind with regard to any service, product or person in any way for the actions ensuing from advertising. This publication contains elements adult in nature and may not be suitable for minors. Some of the products and services available through advertisements are not for purchase by minors. SX Publications, Nightwire cannot be held responsible for photos submitted by advertisers and photography supplied by advertisers or vendors without a release from the model(s). SX Publications, Nightwire will assume no liability for mis- prints, typos, ad print quality, ad placement or incorrect ad copy.

2 • September 2007 September 2007 • 3 FITNESS Onward, Wayward Traveler! By Trish Imbrogno

** Consult your physician before beginning any exercise program **

As summer comes to an end, the travel season doesn’t! Whether you’re out of town for work or pleasure, finding time to squeeze in a workout can be tough. Resistance bands provide a convenient travel option to weights and pack easily into a carry-on bag or luggage. They come in various strengths, ranging from light to very heavy. When you purchase bands, buy a lighter resistance for shoulders and other smaller muscles to avoid an injury. The following exercises can be done alone, or for a quicker workout, you can combine some of the upper and lower body movements. Additionally, some of the upper body exercises can be done seated, if you are on a plane or unable to stand for long periods of time. Remember to stretch thoroughly and add some cardio in for a complete workout! Chest Press: Put band around back, close to underarms and hold band behind the handles in front of chest (arms out and out in the shape of a letter "L", parallel to the floor). Exhale press out; inhale control the band as you return to start. Calf Raises: roll up on balls of feet, keeping weight even between all toes as you exhale, control as you lower heels to floor. Lat Pull: hold band overhead, the closer the hands, the harder the exercise. Open arms to the sides, pulling down in a semi-circular motion to the top of the chest (almost taking off your nose). Return to start while breathing in. Keep your arms in the same plane where you start (do not let them fall forward!). Lunges: (walking or stationary) step on leg forward and rise up on to back toes. Stay on back toes (ball handle. hold other handle palm up and wrap around of foot) as you breath in and bend back leg (do not let behind your head like your putting on a jacket. place front knee extend your toes!), exhale, squeeze your other hand inside of handle. keep elbows close to glutes and return to start. head, exhale press up, inhale return to start. (works Shoulder overhead press: (one arm at a time) stand both arms at the same time) on band close to handle, bring arm up to side in the Step-touch: Stand on band, hold handles at waist. shape of an "L" tricep parallel to the floor. Exhale, step left for 5, controlling the right foot as it touches push up, inhale, return to start. Repeat other side. in, then step right for 5, controlling the left leg (inner Squats: stand with feet shoulder-width apart. thigh works this way!). Keeping the weight in your heels, breath in and bend Bicep curl: step on band (one foot or two). Hold the knees as if you were sitting back into a chair (do handles, palms up. Exhale curl up to shoulder, keep- not let the knees come farther forward than your toes). ing upper arm stable. Inhale return to start (both arms Squeeze the glutes and exhale as you return to start. at the same time). Tricep overhead extension: stand on band close to

4 • September 2007 September 2007 • 5 WINE AND BREW Did You Know... White wines should drinking your favorite white wine a little less cold sometime, be served cool, and you might just be surprised at the increased but not ice- flavor. cold. If you White wine is great any time, which for most people means as like your wine a drink without food or with lighter foods. Whites tend to fall cold, that’s into four broad categories: fine, but try •Fresh, Unoaked Whites: crisp & light with no sweetness •Earthy Whites: dry, fuller-bodied; lots of earthy character •Aromatic Whites: intense aroma & flavor from their various grape variety; both off-dry and dry •Rich, Oaky Whites: mostly dry, full-bodied with lots of oaky character Red wine tends to be consumed as part of a meal more often than as a drink on it’s own. Drinking red wine cold could be a mistake…the tannins in the wine can taste very bitter. How do you know the right temperature for reds? If the bottle feels cool to your hand, it’s just right. There are a wide range or red wines, just like whites. Here are four broad categories: •Soft, Fruity Reds: mostly light bodied with lots of fruitiness and little tannin (from grape skins) •Mild Mannered Reds: medium bodied with subtle un-fruity flavors •Spicy Reds: flavorful, fruity wines with spicy accents and some tannin •Powerful Reds: full-bodied and tannic Is it sweet or fruity? Beginning wine tasters often confuse dry fruity wines for sweet ones. AWine is fruity when it has distinct aromas and tastes of fruit. You smell the fruitiness in your nose, and in your mouth you “smell” it through your retro nasal passage. Sweetness is more of a tactile impression on your tongue. If you’re not sure whether a wine is sweet or fruity, try holding your nose when you taste it. If the wine is truly sweet, you’ll still be able to taste the sweetness in spite of the fact that you can’t smell the fruitiness. What is good wine? Quality wines come in all colors and degrees of sweetness, dryness and in different flavors. Try different types of wines within your price range. When you find one you like and want to find other similar wines, visit the state store and look for fami- lies of flavors (fruity, earthy, spicy, herbal) that you enjoyed in the previous bottle and read the labels and well as the little cards that are sometimes attached to the shelves. Check out the Chairman’s Select section in the front of the state store, they have descriptions of the wine along with rating from wine experts be sure and look for wines that are on sale. Degrees of quality definitely exist among wines, but a wine’s quality truly depends on the tastes of the person who is doing the judging. Try a new and different variety of wine today…you might just be surprised at what you discover.

6 • September 2007 WINE AND BREW 9 Common Wine Myths

1. Letting a bottle of uncorked wine sit for an hour can floating on the top of the wine) that actually gives make the wine taste better? you the headache. OK, so how does a one inch hole allow for wine to breathe? It doesn’t. If you want to decant wine use a decanter. You can 9. Storing an unfinished bottle of wine in the pick one up at you local department store for most likely under fridge is an effective way to preserve it? $20. Yes it is. While the fridge at 35 degrees isn’t a rec- ommended method for long term storage – it does 2. France produces the most wines? keep your favorite bottle from maturing too soon and Italy produces more wine than France, and there are close to breaking down on your kitchen counter. Just be sure one million registered Vineyards in Italy. to finish the bottle within three days. Once that bottle is open it is a race against oxidation. 3. Wine tastes much better with age? Yes and no. For high end, premium wines they will improve with age, but they need to be kept at a consistent 55 degrees. Common Wine Terms: You cannot put the bottle on your kitchen counter and leave it there for ten years. Proper storage is a must with wine. Tannin - A compund from the skins, stems and For wines that are inexpensive to mid priced can be stored seeds of the grape. It is felt more then tasted in properly (again a constant 55 degrees) for 3-5 years. wine.

4.Wine and cheese, duh! Legs - Wine that has climbed the inside surface Actually wine and cheese don’t go together. The thick heavy of the glass and creeps back down. Legs have texture of cheese coats the mouth and hinder the taste buds from picking up on the subtleties of the wine nothing to do with the quality of wine but with the body of wine. 5. Expensive wines are vintage wines. A wines vintage simply refers to the year the wine was made. Off Dry - Slightly sweetened wine. Most wines have a vintage. Table Wine - Classificaion of most wines with 7. Nice legs! Legs actually have more to do with the body an alcohol strength between 9-15 percent. of the wine then quality. Wines that have more body tend to have legs.

8. Red wine causes more headaches than white because of its higher sulfites content? Belive it or not but lunch meat has a higher content of sulfites than red wine. Sulfites are preservatives com- monly found in many foods we eat everyday. Cheaper wines with less alcohol require more sulfites than higher-quality wines with more alcohol content. If you research headaches and wine you will find that it is the “mother” (the film that sometimes can be seen

September 2007 • 7 DINING REVIEW The Library By: Suz Pisano

Located on East Carson, not too far from the would definitely order this appetizer again. In order to gain the Carnegie Library, is a new bar & restaurant, The Library, feel of the restaurant not only the bar atmosphere (which is a that hopes to fill a niche in this ever growing popular wonderful hammered copper), we moved over to a table to neighborhood. Owner Jeff Brungo has created an sample a couple of entrees. atmosphere geared towards young professionals. He Chef Steve Harlow and Sous Chef Dan Gold brought us The worked hard with local artists in creating the concept Tyler Derden ($19) a Black & Blue Ribeye topped by you’ll immediately embrace. The tabletops are covered Gorgonzola, accompanied by Rosemary Redskin Smash. This in maps, photo collages, sheet music and the like. was absolutely delicious and followed up with the The Ugly People have definitely noticed according to Jeff, and Duckling ($20) Crispy Duck Breast with Thai Chili Glaze & stir some request their favorite tables when coming in with fry rice. I’m not sure which one we liked the best but the duck friends to dine. There’s an amazing upstairs which was tender and flavorful & I though I could lick the plate that’s opens onto a private deck- something very rare on the how good the Thai Chili Glaze was! Other menu selections South Side. Entertainment on the deck includes bands include: The Yellow Brick Road ($17) Mussels steamed in a on Thursdays & Fridays and Karaoke on Sundays. Saffron Chipotle Broth, Tomato, Chorizo Sausage, & a Salmon Brungo who has worked in the restaurant industry for Corn Biscuit; Rolland’s Roulade ($20) Ground Lamb rolled the past twenty-three years seems to really have it with Veal, then wrapped in Peppered Bacon, Pomegranate down pat, and then there’s the food... Peppercorn Sauce. I think The Library is certainly filing a The Nightwire crew stopped in at Happy Hour niche for great interesting food, a great bar, nice atmosphere which runs daily with drink specials from 5 to 7 p.m. and awesome desserts. They serve small plates, a nice selec- The menu is whimsical with literary names on all of tion of both salads and sandwiches. Open seven days a the dishes. week, with a great selection of menu offerings- you’ll have to We had a delicious appetizer at the bar- Dark Green, give them a try. Bright Red ($ 8), Seared Scallops atop Crostinis, Fresh The Library has their own Pastry Chef Christen Biddinger, Tomato Tartare, & a Green Peppercorn Pesto. The scal- who makes luscious desserts that will have your mouth water- lops were large and sliced perfectly before being seared ing! We tried The Charlotte Cake with Chocolate Bavarian and complimented with the tomato and fresh pesto. I Cream in the center. It was so good I can’t wait to go back &

8 • September 2007 DINING REVIEW

have another! I can just imagine what her other desserts are like. The Library has Special Occasions: Sunday Morning – Brunch with Chef Steve, Omelet’s and Crepes 11am – 2pm plus Sunday Service Industry Night – Karaoke and Crepes 10pm – 2am. Live music Wednesdays, Thursdays and occasionally on Fridays – check their website for a complete entertainment schedule www.thelibrary-pgh.com - Plus, their kitchen is open until 1am. They also host private parties on their second floor party facility, provide catering and offer ? price appetizers Monday thru Friday from 11pm to 1am. The menus are presented in books. Who could ask for more? Check them out at www.thelibrary- pgh.com. The Library is located on the South Side at 2304 East Carson Street - Pittsburgh, PA 15203 Phone: 412-381-0517.

Left to Right: Dan Gold, Chip Hamilton, Jeff Brungo, Steve Harlow

September 2007 • 9 NIGHT TECH Apple’s New i-Mac The crown jewel in Apple's attention to detail since the return of its chief executive Steve Jobs has been the initial unpacking and setup of its devices. Few, if any, of its customers would disagree that the firm is determined to please first- time users before they've ever launched a program or played a song. Setting up the iMac is also just about as trouble-free as it has been for past iMacs, partic- ularly in the era of near-ubiqui- tous wireless. As with any modern Mac, the new iMac may only require as much as a power cable when it sits on your desk. Our first boot was extremely smooth and guided us MacBook, the gloss is intended to produce bolder colors com- through choosing languages, configuring our Wi-Fi con- pared to the occasionally washed-out look of matte screens. nection, and setting up both a user account and regis- For the average home user more interested in watching tration information in just a few minutes -- though as movies or presenting a slideshow, the effect is striking and (on usual, Apple tries to foist .Mac on its customers before a 24-inch model) could fool you into thinking it was a small, the Mac OS X desktop will make its first appearance. high-quality HDTV. In a properly-lit room, reflections are still a If there were a complaint to level against the fact of life but are seldom distracting enough to overwhelm the company during the first few minutes, it would be the positives of the new display. Still, we question the wisdom of a continued need for a FireWire cable to use the Migration glossy display, especially for the large surface area of our test Assistant that eases the switchover to a new system. unit. But it's not the fatal blow some would have expected. The need to use a special target disk mode, with a Ask a professional artist or video editor what they think, cable the user likely doesn't have, isn't very justifiable however, and you'll likely receive a very different opinion. The when Macs have supported gigabit Ethernet and USB same vivid colors that make the screen "pop" also distort the 2.0 for years. perceived colors for producers trying to judge how well the Whether or not you believe Apple's claims that the image will translate to someone's print ad or DVD. Reflections new iMac is more eco-friendly than the white plastic play even more havoc with accuracy by hiding detail and model it replaces, there's little doubt that the all-in-one blending into the on-screen colors. Using a fixed color profile computer "for the rest of us" has been taken upscale. mitigates the problem but just shouldn't be necessary for a Both the anodized aluminum and black plastic trim feel system being marketed to both home users and pro cus- and look better-built than before without adding to the tomers alike. overall price -- and, conveniently, draw mental associa- The much-vaunted aluminum keyboard should be less con- tions between the Mac and the similarly-styled iPhone. tentious. In addition to being extremely compact -- a virtue in Choosing aluminum has lightened the system and the small spaces where the iMac may sit -- the new design is makes both carrying it around and tilting its display just actually easier to type with in practice. The MacBook-like flat that much easier. Those prone to losing their Apple keys have a larger surface area to strike and travel quickly Remote or depending on the sleep light will be disap- enough that you can move to the next key sooner than you pointed, however. The thick metal prevents the Mac might with the older translucent case. Any doubts that the maker from installing either a magnet or a light inside keyboard might be flimsy have also been erased: the thin slab the case, eliminating two minor but appreciated advan- of metal is absolutely solid. Users might be frustrated by the tages from the past. two extra USB ports, however, as both of them are tucked Front-and-center in the design is the controversial underneath the metal and require that you lift the keyboard glossy LCD display. How much you like the display is before plugging in a camera or a mouse. just as binary as the overall look. Like the 13.3-inch

10 • September 2007 The Steel City Derby Demons present:

Brain-TinglingBrain-Tingling RollerRoller Derby Derby Action!Action!

Bitch Doctors vs. Hot Metal Hellions SCDD 2007 Championship Bout • Saturday September 8, 2007 At BladeRunners-Harmarville • Doors at 5:30, Hot Derby Action 6:30 $10 in Advance $15 at the Door Free for Kids under 10 For information or ticket sales go to www.steelcityderbydemons.com GET FIT BE HEALTHY Pilates Personal Training Yo g a

Corporate Classes • Private Instruction

Certified • Experienced • Insured www.GetFitWithTrish.com 412.657.0635

September 2007 • 11 THEATER My Fair Lady

This award-winning production makes its Pittsburgh Pascal’s motion picture and features one of Broadway’s most premiere at the Benedum Center for the Performing Arts beloved scores including “The Rain in Spain,” “I on September 18-23, 2007, as part of a national tour. Could Have Danced All Night” and “Get Me to the Church on Lerner & Loewe’s MY FAIR LADY comes to the U.S. Time.” direct from its 2001 West End run and U.K. national tour The show opened to record-breaking advance sales and that began fall 2005. went on to win five Laurence Olivier Awards, including Christopher Cazenove, one of England’s most ‘Outstanding Musical Production’ and ‘Best Theatre respected stage and screen actors best known to U.S. Choreographer’ for Matthew Bourne. In 2002 it received The audiences as Ben Carrington on television’s “Dynasty” Hilton Award for Outstanding Musical Production. and Lisa O’Hare, who most recently starred as the title role of Mary Poppins in London, will star as Professor Cameron Mackintosh and the National Theatre of Great Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle, roles they originated on the extended U.K. national tour. Also featured in the Britians Award winning Production of Lerner and Loewe’s U.S. Tour premiere are Tim Jerome as Alfred P. Doolittle, “My Fair Lady” at THE BENEDUM CENTER Walter Charles as Colonel Hugh Pickering, Sally Ann SEPTEMBER 18-23, 2007. Howes as Mrs. Higgins, Alma Cuervo as Mrs. Pierce, Performances will be held Tuesday-Thursday, 7:30 p.m.; Justin Bohon as Freddy Eynsford-Hill and Dana DeLisa Friday at 8 p.m.; Saturday at 2 p.m. and 8 p.m.; and Sunday as Eliza Doolittle alternate. Lisa O’Hare is appearing with at 1 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. Tickets ($20.50 - $62) may be pur- the permission of Actors’ Equity Association. The chased at the Box Office at Theater Square, online at Producers gratefully acknowledge Actors’ Equity pgharts.org or by calling (412) 456-6666. To purchase 20 or Association for its assistance of this production. more tickets, please call (412) 471-6930. Student discounts MY FAIR LADY has book and lyrics by Alan Jay are also available. Lerner and music by Frederick Loewe. It is adapted from Bernard Shaw’s play Pygmalion and Gabriel

12 • September 2007 Is it a Summer Bummer -- Or Can Love ROMANCE Last Past Labor Day? by Kara Czerniak Summer is the time for romance -- the heat, the skimpy in the background of your final dinner together is the clothes, the vacations -- given these ingredients, no wonder! makings of a bad scene, trust me. However, summer romance usually comes with an expiration DON’T be afraid to continue with your normal sexual date, either because you met on vacation, or in some tran- morals. If you think they won’t be around tomorrow if sient state -- maybe one of you must return to school, etc. you don’t sleep with them tonight, then they weren’t Knowing this, summer romances are usually more intense. worth it anyway! Often, you abandon your normal inhibitions, maybe even DO become friends first. Hot as they may be, you what is considered your normal “personality”, to indulge in stand a much better chance of staying together past the something that goes way faster than your usual romantic summer if you actually like each other! pace. The bad news is, more often than not, these quasi- DO try to make plans for a casual meeting beyond relationships usually end with one person left wanting more. summer, say a football game or tickets to a local dinner Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of marriages theater. This is often a good test run to see if the rela- that started out as summer flings. But this is definitely the tionship will still work outside of the summer comfort minority. For those of you who still think that summer love zone. It the other person hesitates, it’s not a good sign. can last into the cold realities of winter, here are some tips: DON’T try to make plans for something more serious, DO talk about expectations, from the very beginning. If such as your cousin’s October wedding. Stick to the you are just looking for summer fun, say so NOW. Make sure casual before you take the “wedding date” plunge! you find out if the other person is looking for this, too, or if DON’T be afraid to break it off before the end of sum- they might want more. This will avoid opposite expectations mer if you find yourself getting in too deep, and you in the end, and hurt feelings. know the other person doesn’t mirror your feelings. DO find out a little history, such as does the other person Better to let go early, and still have a chance of recover- have another love back home? I know plenty of people who ing the rest of summer than to spend the autumn in a think, as long as it happens in another zip code, it doesn’t state of misery! count! Getting on the same page (and staying there) is an DON’T lie about what you really want. It’s better to “scare essential part of making your summer romance last. Be them off” now, rather than later, when you have feelings upfront, be honest, and be careful. Many of the best invested. Dropping hints won’t work, either. Saying you want memories are made in summertime, and sometimes, the no strings, and then playing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” best ones are better left there!

Bark & Brew Happy Hours Canine Movie Nights Canine Coffee Klatches Bark in the Park Dog Walk Doga & other classes for you and your pooch Must Love Dogs. And that’s not even all. Learn more. Call 412.847.7000

The Caryl Gates Gluck Resource Center at AnimalFriends Only 10 minutes North of Downtown! 562 Camp Horne Road Pittsburgh, PA 15237 412.847.7000 www.ThinkingOutsideTheCage.org

September 2007 • 13 MUSIC EmilyPinkerton By Trish Imbrogno Photos by Todd Brunozzi

When you hear local songwriter and ethnomusicolo- Cafe and La Casa en el Aire. On fiddle, banjo and guitar, she gist Emily Pinkerton sing, a sense of nostalgia invades has shared the stage with artists such as Divahn, Glen Velez, you. As a matter of fact, The Santiago Times (Chile) Stacy Phillips, and the Chieftains.While she often performs called her voice the epitome of loneliness and a portal solo shows, you may be lucky enough to hear her play a set for the familiarity that only home can bring. with her husband and composer Patrick Burke (guitar/key- Lyrical and hypnotic, Emilys performances are a boards) and double bassist Trish Imbrogno. unique combination of Latin American music and the For more information about Emily Pinkerton, check out her traditional sounds of American Old-Time. Born in the website, www.emilypinkerton.com. Dont forget to make her Midwest, she studied in Chile where she first heard your friend on Myspace, www.myspace.com/ejpinkerton. Violeta Parra, a major influence in all of her music. She sings fluently in Spanish for many of her songs, then Upcoming Shows: picks up her banjo and tells American tales such as John Lover is Gone. Saturday, September 15, 6pm, Altar Bar, Strip District (Concert You’ll find Emily on stage with an array of instruments of Chilean Music) in her arsenal. She plays guitar, banjo and violin expert- ly, but her talent with the guitarron (a traditional 25- Monday, September 24, 6pm, Carnegie Mellon University stringed Chilean guitar) has set her apart from her folk Center Art Gallery music counterparts. Her musical dexterity and haunting compositions have gained her international acclaim, Saturday, October 13, with composer Cristian Amigo, including recognition by Pittsburgh City Paper, Sing time/location TBA Out!, The Space, The Santiago Times (Chile) and The New Haven Advocate. Saturday, December 8, Carnegie Hall, Oakland (opening for Emily has performed across North and South Alejandro Escovedo) America at venues such as SXSW, Makor, the Cactus

14 • September 2007 YOGA TRIBAL BELLY DANCE MODERN DANCE CAPOEIRA

SPECIALIZED MASSAGE breathe YOGA 1113 East Carson Street 3rd Floor Historic South Side 412/481.YOGA www.breathe-yogastudio.com

September 2007 • 15 LOCAL BUSINESS Respect, Honest, and Fair. Simply The Best! Lifetime Automotive - North Hills

Whether, it’s a simple oil change, inspection, tire rota- tion, new brakes or something major, Lifetime Auto is the place to go. They have put back respect, honesty and fair pricing into auto repairs and maintenance. At Lifetime Auto, you never have to worry about being overcharged with their upfront pricing and personal attention to each and every detail. They make maintain- ing and keeping your auto or truck in tip top condition a breeze. In the North Hills, managing partner, Jack Bara will greet you with a smile and win you over with is charm and automotive expertise. John DeGregorio the Assistant Manager is equally as responsive, knowledge From left to right: Justin Paul, John DeGregorio, Larrry Simonetta and treats each customer like family. Here, you do feel simply keep your car running at its peak performance. So, get a sense of family and will soon become very comfort- your vehicle in for a fall checkup and you’ll see for yourself able knowing that your concerns and auto issues will be what we mean. addressed and taken care of without ever being over- Lifetime Auto conveniently located in the North Hills minutes charged, this is especially important, if you are a woman from downtown on Babcock Blvd – 412-931-2277 or they in search of a garage that you can feel comfortable have two other locations 5111 Baum Boulevard – 412-681- dealing with. Trust me, this is the place!! 4400 and 5711 Forward Avenue – 412-421-7555. Open All technicians are ASE Master Technicians, highly Monday thru Friday 8A-5P and Saturday 8-4. trained and experts on how to totally maintain, repair or See their ad on page 25.

16 • September 2007 NIGHT LIFE September Nightlife

Mr. Smalls: tickets available at www.ticketweb.com/mrsmalls, Diesel – 1601 E. Carson – South Side – 412-431-8800 866.468.3401 Sept 8 – Brett Dennen 09-02-07 The Ditty Bops w/ Ice Cream Truck Sept 15 – Chevelle 09-11-07 Mindless Self Indulgence w/ Julien-K Sept 29 – Minus the Dear 09-12-07 The Receiving End of Sirens w/ Emanuel, Envy on the Coast, New Low Phipps Conservatory – Oakland Sept 27 – Garden Groove & Chihuly Nights – 6PM – 09-13-07 Feist w/ Rogue Wave @ Carnegie Music Hall - 10PM Presented by 91.3fm WYEP $30 includes admission to the Chihuly at Phipps Garden & Glass Show 09-15-07 Reverbnation Tour featuring REHAB w/ The Crazy Buy tickets online: http://tickets.conservatory.org - Must Anglos be over 21 to attend

09-16-07 rockUGANDA featuring Annasay, Victory Lane, River City Brass Band - SEPTEMBER CURTAIN Another Found Self - Benefit for Invisible Children Doors RAISERS! September 13, Thursday, Byham Theater, 7:30pm 09-17-07 All That Remains w/ Protest the Hero, The Acacia TICKETS ($39, $29, $19) Strain, Too Pure to Die Call 800-292-7222 or visit www.rcbb.com.

09-18-07 Atmosphere w/ Mac Lethal, Grayskul, Luckyiam (of The curtain comes up on a program sure to bring down Living Legends) the house! You’ll hear fabulous new arrangements of much-loved songs from the Broadway stage and the sil- 09-20-07 Subhumans w/ World/Inferno Friendship Society, ver screen. Nothing but great tunes played by the 28 vir- Caustic Christ tuosos of RCBB!

09-21-07 Invisible Children - School for Schools Benefit ft. Juggling Suns w/ theCause Club Cafe - 56-58 South 12th Street - Pittsburgh, PA 15203 - 412-431-4950 09-23-07 PGHPOP Festival featuring Metric w/ Crystal Castles, Longwave, Robbers on High Street, Shade, DJs 9-4-07 The Start 09-25-07 Cartel w/ The Honorary Title, Weatherbox 9-5-07 Shannon Curfman 09-26-07 JJ Grey & MOFRO / Assembly of Dust

09-27-07 Twiztid w/ Ill Bill, Mower 9-7-07 White Rabbits

09-28-07 Finger Eleven w/ SIck Puppies, Pride Tiger 9-8-07 Bill Deasy (2 Shows)

- 422 Foreland Street – On Pittsburgh’s Sassy Marie’s 9-12-07 Buckwheat Zydeco Historic North Side - 412-246-0355 www.sassymaries.com

Sept 1 – Jimmy Ponder 9-15-07 Matt Dusk

Sept 5 – Wil-E Tri 9-18-07 Heavy Trash featuring Jon Spencer Sept 8 – Kenia 9-22-07 Jesse Harris Sept 14 – Dwayne Dolphin 9-25-07 Kim Richey Sept 15 – Jimmy Adler Band 9-26-07 Erin McKeown Sept 21 – Tony Campbell

Sept 22 – 706 Union All events subject to change. Please contact venue for showtimes and dates. Nightwire is not responsible for incorrect or misprinted shows, times, Sept 28 – Gene Ludwig dates, or venues.

Sept 29 – Angel Blue and the Prophets

September 2007 • 17 TRAVEL Traveling with your Pet!

If you and Spot the Dog are planning on taking a long road trip anytime during the year, here are a few things you should know, and a few items you should definitely have in the car with you. Fall is a great time to take you pet out to a new park and explore! Many hotels do accommodate our furry pets, be sure and check out pet friendly hotels. Things to do Before You Leave (Many days before ...) Acclimatize your dog to car travel - Start with short trips around town, and make sure you end up some place fun for your dog. He needs to learn that a car trip has a reward at the end, and this should put an end to any reluctance when the time comes to "load up" for the big trip. Vaccinate your dog: Rabies vaccine, which your dog should have anyway, but he needs it at least thirty days in advance of crossing the border from any side. Bordatella vaccines for Kennel Cough prevention, if you plan on boarding him at any time. This should be done at least 4 weeks in advance. Lyme Vaccine is recommend- ed if you plan on entering an area where ticks are present.

Stuff You'll Need Full water bottles - There's no guarantee that you'll be able to stop along the road near clean water, and even an air-conditioned can make your dog thirsty on his trip. By keeping a water bottle or two full of drinkable water, you'll ensure that he has plenty of moisture. Also keep a bowl handy, as some dogs just will not drink from breaks a bone. And if you put two six foot leashes together, a bottle. you'll have a twelve foot lead should you need to secure your dog to anything, for any length of time. Extra food - If you don't bring your dog's regular food First Aid Kit - Something every vehicle should have, regardless with you, you do run the risk of having to switch him to a of pets or children. In an emergency, you never what you will different brand if what he is used to is unavailable wher- need, keep a fully stocked first aid kit in your vehicle at all ever you are. This can stress out a dog's digestive sys- times, since accidents can happen at any time. tem, giving him gas, diarrhea, or causing him to vomit, Veterinary records - Simply because you never know when you which makes for a very smelly ride. might need them. They'll prove invaluable if you end up having to rush your pooch to the local veterinarian's office for whatev- His own blanket, or cuddly toy - A little comfort from er reason. And if you plan on leaving the country, a current home goes a long way, even if Mom and Dad are sitting statement of health will be needed, saying that your dog is free in the front seat. Anxiety and stress can do funny (and of any diseases and has had the current rabies vaccine. smelly) things to a dog, like diarrhea, and nausea. Again, Proof of Identification - If your dog spooks and runs off for any not pleasant to drive with. reason, having a valid microchip or up to date collar tags will help you get him back much quicker. Spare leash and collar - And keep it handy. Not only good for the dog, but a spare leash can used for many And most important of all: Never, ever leave your dog in a hot things, including tying a splint in place if somebody car!

18 • September 2007 Sassy maries

September 2007 • 19 STEELERS Steeler Mania! Photo by Jeff Swensen

Coach Tomlin has a long way to go to achieve iconic status. But so far, so good. Sure, the Hall of Fame game was nothing more than a glorified scrimmage, but Tomlin's Steelers -- yes, Tomlin's Steelers -- played with both enthusiasm and discipline and, in Tomlin's current mantra, "hard, tough and fast." We would like to add the word smart, also. Coach Tomlin is dressing in all black. We hope he'll wear his basic black for every practice, every game, every press conference. It just might be the beginning of his image building and quest for icon-ness. It worked for Johnny Cash, didn’t it? What can we look forward to, well, our running game has produced four solid games, and it’ll be on the back- field to do it yet again when the Steelers kickoff their regular season. Also, the backs are going to have to The Pittsburgh Steeler’s kick off their regular season step up in short yardage and red zone/goal line situa- on September 9 at Cleveland against the Browns. If tions, which we know they are fully capable of doing their preseason was any indication of how Steeler Mania whatever it takes. Willie Parker is back and healthy, and will overtake the city, we’re in for a wild ride. Local bars he'll be getting a lot more play action in the regular sea- and Steeler haunts are reporting more interest in the son. If he gets off to a good early start, which we are preseason than in past seasons. Check out our Steeler confident he will, that'll be good news for the Steelers. Mania page for where to go and find out what specials That being said, the passing game will be all on Big will be running during the Steeler games. Could be our Ben's shoulders, he has been accurate in the short new head coach has already won the hearts of Steelers game, while he's been on the field in the preseason, but Fans… as more and more fans begin to say…..”Bill now it's time for us to see full game Ben and what he is who?” It certainly looks as if the Steelers are buying totally capable of doing, winning games. He needs to into what new coach Mike Tomlin is selling. According get the air attack on track early, opening the game up to right or left offensive tackle (depending on what day it for the run to take over. is) Max Starks, "Coach Tomlin definitely demands that Our secondary is going to have to play tight and respect. He's a great guy. We look forward to playing for smart, and the pass rush will need to build off of the him." Added nose tackle Chris Hope, "Coach Tomlin is preseason games. This season looks very promising doing a great job. Coach Cowher was an icon." Very and with the Pittsburgh fans behind this great team, we true. The man truly is an icon, with The Jaw, The Flying are confident that the Steelers are going to have an Saliva, and The Stare. Not to mention his record. No incredible season. Let’s GO STEELERS!! We found a matter what you think of Cowher, after the 2005 playoff great site for diehard Steeler fans… run to the Superbowl and subsequent victory, he www.steelersfever.com Check it out!! certainly cemented his place in the Pittsburgh Icon Hall of Fame.

20 • September 2007 STEELERS

PITTSBURGH STEELERS 2007 REGULAR SEASON

Date Opponent Kickoff Sun. September, 9 @ Cleveland 1:00 P.M. (CBS) Sun. September, 16 BUFFALO 1:00 P.M. (CBS) Sun. September, 23 SAN FRANCISCO 1:00 P.M. (FOX) Sun. September, 30 @ Arizona 4:15 P.M. (CBS) Sun. October, 7 SEATTLE 1:00 P.M. (FOX) Sun. October, 14 Bye Week - Sun. October, 21 @ Denver 8:15 P.M. (NBC) Sun. October, 28 @ Cincinnati 1:00 P.M. (CBS) Mon. November, 5 BALTIMORE 8:30 P.M. (ESPN) Sun. November, 11 CLEVELAND 1:00 P.M. (CBS) Sun. November, 18 @ N.Y. Jets 1:00 P.M. (CBS) Mon. November, 26 MIAMI 8:30 P.M. (ESPN) Sun. December, 2 CINCINNATI 8:15 P.M. (NBC) Thu. December, 9 @ New England 1:00 P.M. (CBS) Sun. December, 16 JACKSONVILLE 1:00 P.M. (CBS) Thu. December, 20 @ St. Louis 8:15 P.M. (KDKA/NFL) Sun. December, 30 @ Baltimore 1:00 P.M. (CBS)

September 2007 • 21 HUMOR Degrees of Blonde:

FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then phone rang at 2:00 AM. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I call should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a Thehusband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I BLIND policeman! don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." Eight Words with Two Meanings SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mir- Female...... Any part under a car's hood. ror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar". The Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. partner. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome the boys. with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!" The blonde Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. replies, "Shut up, you're next!" Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. FOURTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. FIFTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally achieve. said, "That was the decision George Washington had to Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. make before he crossed the Delaware". 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and another. burglarized. She called the police at once and Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the minutes. call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on

22 • September 2007 PONDER THIS Letter To Home.... Dear Ma and Pa, Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer don't bother you none. the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls- I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and shine some things- No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges - They mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. come in boxes. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat train- Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, ing. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, real careful though, they break real easy. fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on cof- the best they got in this, except for that Tug Jordan from fee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon, when you get over in Silver Lake - I only beat him once. He joined up fed again. the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much - We go on and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in Your loving daughter, trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school Alice Mae teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board.

Victorian Bed

‘30s Phone Booth with phone ‘40/’50s Formica Kitchen and Chairs Czech Seltzer Bottles Corona Neon Sign DogDog DaysDays ofof SummerSummer SaleSale 20%20% ofof enitreenitre storestore

antiques & collectibles 3533 Butler Street • 412-682-6781 In Historic Lawrenceville • Wed- Sat 12-5:30pm

September 2007 • 23 HUMOR

No Nursing Home For Me 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner, we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just lady. I asked our waiter, who the lady was, expecting to call shore to ship. be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruis- PS. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over es, back to back. As we left the dining room one the side at no charge. evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's Cocktails? true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sit- without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home". ting by herself. Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine: "No, they Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is spread ." $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long-term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: Meeting on the Beach A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel 1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day. at Ormond Beach, Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can wad- nearby and began reading a book. dle to the restaurant, or I can have room service Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of "Hello, sir, how are you?" the week). "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, workout room, and again turned back to his book. free washers and dryers, and shows every night. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Plantation Bay he answered, and then 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap resumed reading. and shampoo. Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?" 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blan- patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire ket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the staff scrambling to help you. most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" 7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. Titanic Coffee Q: What kind of coffee was served on the titanic? 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't A: Sanka. even have to ask for them.

24 • September 2007 September 2007 • 25 26 • September 2007 Hollywood Squares JOKES, JOKES, JOKES If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? Enjoy!! A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. Do female frogs croak? ******************************** A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in enough. the closet? **************** A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high the bedroom. should you be? ********************************** A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? ***************** A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. ******************************* A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. *************** What will a goose do? Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you proba- A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? bly a man or a woman? *************************** A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you ********************** give birth to? Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and the dark. ask him if he's married? ****************************** A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong ************************ with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. older? ****************************** A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your *************************** body, what is it? Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't Love You"? neglected. A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a *************************** twenty. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put ******************* horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next *********************************** apartment. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your ****************************** wife or your elephant? Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? your hands while talking? *************************** A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. sex? ********************************* A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? him. A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. ********************************************** ********************************** Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you believes in them and has actually seen them on at least going to get any during the first year? two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing straw- A. Charley Weaver: His feet. berries. *********************************** ********************************** Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? should never do In bed? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh ***************************

September 2007 • 27 LAUGHS

If I Died HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married Would you let her drive my car? again? HUSBAND: HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. Definitely not! WIFE: WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Of course I do. WIFE: WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). Eskimos HUSBAND: Q: What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? (Makes audible groan). A: Polaroids. WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Marriage Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Would you sleep with her in our bed? Do You Serve Lawyers?

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

Sex Research "In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing." "Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiologi- cal basis," the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it." So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue. Kittens A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tomcat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."

28 • September 2007 LAUGHS Evil Woman A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She The French girl opens her bra and says, "The rescuers gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her will save a girl with beautiful breasts first." The African immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring girl pulls her knickers down and says, "Screw that, his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full everyone knows they always look for the black box beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his first!" face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond Now That I'm Retired... his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the Working people frequently ask me what I do to make bartender. "Is there anything can do?" "Yes. I need for you to my days interesting now that I'm retired. The other day give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gen- a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and tly. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired per- "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, son a break"? He ignored me and continued writing or paper towels in the ladies room!" the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. Best Kept Secrets So I called him a "dough-nut eating Gestapo." He fin- A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they made ished the second ticket and put it on the windshield love, the husband insisted on turning off the light. After 20 with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, years, the wife felt this habit was ridiculous. So one night, the more tickets he wrote. while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus. session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw The car that he was putting the tickets on had a her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device- bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a a vibrator. She went completely ballistic. little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to "You impotent bastard" she screamed at him. "How could you my health. be lying to me all these years? You'd better explain yourself! "The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly. "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids." Girls Night Out Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Eleven Things You'll Never Hear A Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, Woman Say they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi 1. "Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?" Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they 2. "You take me out too much, can't we just stay in." needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One 3. "A fake one will do." of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she 4. "You look stressed out, let me give you a blowjob." would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, 5. "Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it." however was wearing a rather expensive pair of 6. "That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body." panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky 7. "My mother is a real old bitch." enough to squat down next to a grave that had a 8. "No, no, you buy me too much already." wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe 9. "Give it to me hard up the arse, big boy - you know I love with that. it." After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go 10. "What headache." home. The next day one of the women's husbands 11. "Put your money away, let me buy the rounds." was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the Plane Crash other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other on a plane. The plane is about to crash, so the American girl husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her starts putting on her make-up. Everyone was curious. butt that said....."From all of us at the Fire Station. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first," she says. We'll never forget you."

September 2007 • 29

HUMOR The Elevator Ride On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucket- ridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she ful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But laughter as they walked back to the elevator. first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried together and went downstairs for dinner with her hus- the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to band. The next morning flowers were delivered to her walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidat- crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for ing figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two the best laugh we've had in years." are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes It was signed; are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared Eddie Murphy at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She Michael Jordan hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in Medical Treatment the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and with the other foot and was on the elevator. appear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the has a time booked for surgery the following week. The elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for another second, and then another. an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. as she threw outher arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. Next time take me to a vet! A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one It was only a tap on of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it the shoulder... had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus and up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my then drove up over the curb. For a few moments every- friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I thing was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I did- driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out n't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driv- bit his lip It was obvious he was having a hard time not laugh- er, and said he hadn't realized a mere tap on the shoul- ing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made der would frighten him so much.The driver replied, "No, of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 23 two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though years..." they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. Ah Nuts! Two peanuts walk into a bar. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on One was a salted. walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the cor-

September 2007 • 31 HUMOR Married Humor Marriage Wife: "What are you doing?" A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of Husband: Nothing. marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had certificate for an hour." ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date." and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of Wife: "Do you want dinner?" un-met needs she had endured over the course of their mar- Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?" riage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length Wife: "Yes and no." of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her pas- Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?" sionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impos- in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This sible, I look at your picture and the problem disap- is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you pears." do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, you?" but on Fridays, I fish. Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?" Monkey at The Bar Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats worries or troubles." them. Then he grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet." mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morn- your monkey just did?!" "No, what?" replied the man. "He just ing, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." ate the cue ball off my table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't sur- Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing." prise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry, Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap." I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later, he's in A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!" cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is dis- Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his gusted. "Did you see what your monkey just did?", he asks. parents." "No, what?", replies the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!", said Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning." man. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first." A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Drinking Age He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like Q: Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32? your sense of humor." A: To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

32 • September 2007 JOKES. JOKES, JOKES The Welfare Office Funeral Procession A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 A woman was leaving a convenience store with her kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. A long black hearse was followed by a second long She says, "Sit down Leroy. "All the children rush to find seats. black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short dis- he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next? ""Well, this one he is Leroy, tance back, were about 200 women walking single also. "The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. respectfully approached the woman walking the dog Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My hus- makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and band's." "What happened to him?" The woman ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy! 'An' when it's time for dinner, I replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running. 'An' if I need to inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming trying to help my husband when the dog turned on them all Leroy. "The social worker thinks this over for a bit, her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "I dog?" "Get in line." call them by their last names."

September 2007 • 33 HUMOR Memories - Fender skirts!

I came across this phrase yesterday "FENDER miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And SKIRTS". what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking Coffee, I blame you for this. about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other I miss those made-up marketing words that were words that quietly disappear from our language with meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. hardly a notice like "curb feelers" And "steering knobs." Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the (AKA) suicide knob. Since I'd been thinking of cars, my 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!" Food for mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what explain some of these terms to you. Remember castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threaten- "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders ing kids with castor oil anymore. Some words aren't and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one car as cool as a Lincoln Continental. When did we quit that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "park- "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. ing brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint Discuss fender skirts. of drama that went with "emergency brake." I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call CIA Job Opening the accelerator the "foot feed." Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the ride the "running board" up to the house? Here's a background checks, interviews and testing were done, phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never any- there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman For the final more - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought will follow your instructions, no matter what the circum- bag of candy. Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held stances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. a chair. Kill her!” The man said, "You can't be serious. I Now we take the term "world wide" for granted this could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then floors me. On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone cov- go home. "The second man was given the same instruc- ered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall tions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure. with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife. When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a "The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "preg- your wife and go home. "Finally, it was the woman's nant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her hus- too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that band. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or sim- were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They ply "expecting." Apparently "brassiere" is a word no heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat probably wouldn't be understood at all. I always loved from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." affectation. Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - Moral: Never put a woman to the test "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down! Here's a word I

34 • September 2007 HUMOR Interesting Word Twister The Breeding Bull

See if you can figure out what these words have in common: A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the Banana first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This Dresser bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged Grammar her husband in the ribs and said, "See . He mated 50 Potato times last year ... once-a-week." They walked to the Revive second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This Uneven bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her hus- Assess band a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to Come on….give it another try . the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in Ok..... Answers at botom of page capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her hus- Sister Of St. Francis band's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he learn something from this one." The husband looked at notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES same cow."

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which from critical to stable and the doctors say after months reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION of rehab and a couple more operations he will be ok. 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and Yearly Physical drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. RIGHT My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be compli- small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS cated and it would solve my physical problems. He said He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors: by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the high- entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better way and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy. well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many wind- ing passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in

the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of out? it figure

the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the you Did word. same the be will it backwards, word

hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The the spell then and word, the of end the at it place I

door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing letter, first the take you if listed, words the of all n another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN Twister Word To Answer SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

September 2007 • 35

LAUGHS A Stunning Senior Moment an elderly woman's voice. "Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of," said the woman. Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for What can I do about it?" The vet took a deep breath, the older generation to understand his generation. "You then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive they're wanted on the phone." "Really?" said the elderly one" the student said, loud enough for many of those near- lady, "Will that stop them?" "It should," said the vet. "It by to hear. "The Young people of today grew up with televi- stopped me!" sion, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones. Bruised A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and Computers with light-speed processing.. and more. "After his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows: you been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-in- "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we law," says the guy. "How did you get all bruised and were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" twit, what are you doing for the next generation?" The "She wouldn't lie still!" applause was amazing... Old Man vs. Young Man Danger Upon entering the little country store, the stranger The strong young man at the construction site was bragging noticed a sign posted on the glass door saying, that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he noticed a harmless special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash reg- After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why ister. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. wheelbarrow over to that other building that you won't be "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. able to wheel back. "You're on, old man," the braggart Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, kept tripping over him." nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, dumb ass! Get in." A Favor IT Guys A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied. says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?" "I clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will "Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and not lie," said the devout man. "With your honest face, then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new Father, no one will question you." When they reached laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. laptop?" The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to Noisy Mating declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this A veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he got answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was wait- declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a mar- ing with a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, velous instrument designed for a woman's use, but after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to which is, to date, unused." The official said, "Go ahead, bed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked Father. Next."

September 2007 • 37 HOROSCOPES By: Kris Brandt Riske ARIES: THE RAM (March 20 to April 19) perfect for couples in love who want to steal away for a Romance and socializing regain momentum as Venus romantic evening or weekend at home or away. turns direct in Leo on September 8. That’s as much of a plus for the close relationships in your life as is LIBRA: THE BALANCE (September 22 to October 23) Mercury moving into Libra, your partnership sign, Jump-start your social life as Venus resumes direct motion in September 5, followed by the Sun on September 22. Leo, your friendship sign, September 8. It’s a cinch that you’ll Communication flows, so take advantage of the oppor- be right back in the swing, with Mercury in your sign from tunity to talk out recent concerns and issues. September 5 – 26, and the Sun arriving there September 22. Plan a romantic holiday with your mate at home or away TAURUS: THE BULL (April 19 to May 20) around the time of the September 26 Full Moon in Aries, your Romantic relationships will be more serious, but also partnership sign. Be alert that week if you’re looking for love, more secure and stable for the next two years with when some singles discuss taking a relationship to the next Saturn in Virgo. But it will be easy to get into a com- level. fortable rut rather than move forward with someone who could be a lifelong soul mate. Don’t rush, but SCORPIO: THE SCORPION (October 23 to November 22) don’t delay. You also could welcome a new family The September 11 New Moon in Virgo breathes fresh energy member or became an empty-nester. into your social life and encourages you to widen your circle of friendship. Get involved in a club, organization, or community GEMINI: THE TWINS (May 20 to June 21) group, or volunteer your skills for a good cause. You also can Your social life gains momentum as Venus turns direct expect an increase in romantic opportunities after Venus, your September 8. Communication also benefits, and you’ll partnership planet, turns direct September 8. be motivated to get out and about and connect with people. Mercury in Libra, September 6-26, enhances SAGITTARIUS: THE ARCHER (November 22 to December the effect, as does the Sun in the same sign from 21) September 22 on. The energy continues to flow into September’s love and life connections focus on friendship. October, thanks to the September 26 Full Moon in Mercury’s positive planetary contacts from Libra, your solar Aries, your friendship sign. That’s a terrific week for Eleventh House, September 5 – 26, signal fun- and laughter- couples in love and singles searching for romance. Ask filled evenings and days with pals and the potential to connect a friend to arrange a date. with new people, including networking contacts. A new romantic interest could enter your life, thanks to a friend, after CANCER: THE CRAB (June 21 to July 22) love-planet Venus turns direct September 8. Family relationships are upbeat and uplifting, thanks to Mercury in Libra, your domestic sign, September 5-27, CAPRICORN: THE GOAT (December 21 to January 19) and the Sun’s arrival in the same sign September 22. Family and work relationships are your main love and life con- You’ll especially enjoy the relaxing, supportive atmos- nections this month. Some will test your patience and people phere at home because workplace communications will skills, especially in early September, but others will satisfy and be a challenge. There you can expect power struggles delight you. Set aside extra time the week of the September and difficult people whose main mission is to block 26 Full Moon in Aries, your domestic sign, for family dinners, progress. Stay out of the power plays as much as pos- activities, and household projects. sible. Also continue to drive with extra care. AQUARIUS: THE WATER BEARER (January 19 to February LEO: THE LION (July 22 to August 22) 18) Turn on the charm! Your social and love life come alive Mars in Gemini through September 28 energizes your social as Venus turns direct in Leo on September 8. Fill the life, and relationships are generally more settled after Venus month with outings, events, dates, and more as Mars turns direct in Leo on September 8. However, events around travels in Gemini, your friendship sign, through September 21 can cause you to question a friendship or September 28. If you’re searching for someone special, another relationship as Venus aligns with Neptune, and Mars a pal could be your link to love, or you might find your- with Pluto. What you discover may disappoint and disillusion self falling for someone you’ve always considered a you, but you’ll also learn from it. friend. PISCES: THE FISH (February 18 to March 20) VIRGO: THE VIRGIN (August 22 to September 22) Once past a few communications challenges, primarily work- People are testy and relationships rocky during the time related, in early September, you can settle in and enjoy the leading up to the September 11 New Mon in your sign. positive people contact accented by the Virgo Sun through After that, business and personal contacts bring you September 21. Start to line up your fall social schedule at luck. Venus in Leo, which turns direct September 8, is month’s end, when Mars enters Cancer, your solar Fifth House of pleasure.

38 • September 2007 CLASSIFIEDS

www.nightwire.net Nightwire Classifieds Book your October classified now! email [email protected]

September 2007 • 39