2 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE THAT The Only Parody of the Only Magazine at Yale about Stuff at Yale at Yale George Bluth CHAIRMAN COUNTS...WE GUESS David Chernicoff goodwill towards others until your obscene Michael Bluth Last Monday night, after downing chief, what the fuck were you doing last EDITOR-IN-CHIEF some bennys, we found ourselves getting night with that walking lard refi nery?” We thirst for personality is slaked? Haven’t you Michael Rae-Grant sloshed at Toad’s...again. Looking through panicked, racking our brains for a response. fantasized about slowly removing his/her GOB Bluth our dilated pupils at the sea of fl esh writh- What came out of our mouth stunned us: reserved nature (perhaps with your teeth), DESIGNER ing to the strains of Fitty (50), we caught the “Hey bro, there’s more to bitches than just taking off his/her lacy propriety, and run- Gabe Smedresman eye of a bodacious babe wildly gyrating in their killer bods. That ho has one fi ne-ass ning your tongue down the length of her Buster Bluth the middle of the dance fl oor. Just then, the personality. Why, all you have to do is look svelte, blonde, 5-foot-10, 36-24-36 personal- EDITORS DJ seamlessly transitioned into R. Kelly’s at the next issue ity? Jessica Hanley-Smith CC ‘08, you will Thomas Crowley latest sex jam opera. The time had come to of our humor be ours. Gordon Jenkins make our move. We pimp-walked over to magazine We realize that David Litt Eric March the aforementioned honey, our confi dence the Record some may feel slighted enhanced by her come-hither glances and to see us The by their exclusion from Lucille Bluth this year’s 50 Best Per- CONTRIBUTORS a bottle and a half of Smirnoff Apple Twist, fi nally ac- Rec’s Celeste Ballard and proceeded to get our mack on. Like so knowledge sonalities. To those who Damien Berliet many girls before her, she became putty in the many View failed to satisfy our ex- Ivan Dremov our artful, groping hands. The next thing breathtak- tremely exacting stan- Sean Gandert your humble Record editors knew, we were ing per- dards, we can only offer Martin Glazier Andrew Kau fumbling with the wrapper of the unfor- sonalities this advice: Deal with it Doug Lieblich tunately festive neon green condom we that grace our storied campus.” and stop being such a fucking Sally. Also, Nick O’Neill grabbed from the basement. Oh, how we Fuck. The die was cast. There was follow these guidelines: Carrie Toole wish we could relive those seconds of glo- no turning back. The shit had hit the fan. • First, pay weekly visits to your local George Michael Bluth ry! Exhausted and sated, we blacked out in A stitch in time saves nine. Take it to the personality salon. A trained personalitician STAFF our sweet love’s embrace. house. can do wonders for the split ends of your Rachelle Alpern The harsh light of morning jostled us After much hair-pulling and hand- character. A salon can also provide you with Sam Bagg Lexy Benaim from our stupor. Eager for a reprise of last wringing about our craven valuing of per- state-of-the-art personality-care products, Adam Bildersee night’s symphony of love, we nudged our sonality over luscious hottness, we realized such as salves, crèmes, and other colloids to Matthew O. Brimer sweet seductress with our conductor’s ba- that we actually do have something edify- smear all over your personality. Andrew Chang ton. Horror of horrors! Our nubile nymph ing to say to the Yale community about its • Second, consider hiring a personality Alexandra Charrow Andrew Chittenden had been transformed into a hideous personalities, or at least enough to fi ll up an trainer, who will help you tone your fl abby R. David Edelman mound of fat! But emanating from some- issue of this rag. While we might not be able integrity and tighten up your compassion. Kerstin Frailey where within the corpulent mass, a voice to focus on outer beauty, we can still reveal Four sets of ten reps of character crunches Anny Gaul struggled to make itself heard: “I just had intimate personal details to a wide, undis- daily will give you a super-buff joie de vivre Carlos Hann Henry Harding the most wonderful dream about installing cerning audience. And isn’t that what’s re- in no time. But be careful not to overtrain; Hansun Hsiung a sewage treatment system in a third world ally important? you don’t want to become too personable. Erin Kelly orphanage while serenading their emaci- After all, O Record readers, how many • Third, regularly wax your personal- Kathy Lent ated ears with my Time Magazine-profi led times has your attention drifted away from ity zone. George London Alexander Maggio viola da gamba playing.” the riveting discussion in your Victorian • You may also want to consider being Aaron Margolis Profoundly disturbed, we ushered her Gardening section to focus yet again on that kind to others. Tamara Micner out of our room as quickly and quietly as personable guy or girl in the third seat on If you keep in mind these suggestions, Shana Mlawski possible, hoping against hope that no one the left side of the table in WLH 119, TuTh we absolutely, 100% guarantee that you Kate O’Brien Kendall Rice had seen us the night before. But over a re- 4-4:50? How often have you longed to pen- will be profi led in next year’s 50 Best Per- Ann Lane Rick past of scrambled water and egg substitute, etrate the warm depths of his/her charac- sonalities. Or you could just be hot. Or let O Jeremy Robbins we had to face the terrible question: “Hey ter, thrusting in and out of his/her faith and us have sex with you. Betsy Scherzer Mark Schneider Eric Shansby Amanda Silverio The Second 50: Those Personalities Who Juuust Missed Lauren Simpson Miao Wang Maya Angelou, Susan B. Anthony, Joan of Arc, Lance Armstrong,, King Arthur, Athena, Atticus Janet Xu Daniel Zier from To Kill A Mockingbird, Clara Barton, Dante’s Beatrice, Buddha, Rachel Carson, Cinderella, Tobias Fünke Santa Claus, Confucius, Leonardo Da Vinci, Desdemona, Princess Diana, Albus Dumbledore, SPECIAL THANKS Amelia Earhart, Albert Einstein, Queen Elizabeth I, St. Francis of Assisi, Anne Frank, Ghandi, Nicole Aaronson, Kelsey Alloo, James Burch, Salim Cheriyan, Aryeh Cohen-Wade, Rachel Che Guevara, Stephen Hawking, Jim from Huckleberry Finn, Thomas Jefferson, Jesus, Helen Criswell, Daniel Levin-Becker, Dave Frank, Bjorn Fredrickson, Clark Freeman, Jeff Fugate, Keller, Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Virgin Mary, Lucretia Mott, Isaac Newton, Michael Gerber, Andom Ghebreghiorgis, Florence Nightengale, Odysseus, Little Orphan Annie, Rosa Parks, Alexander Pope, Mary Pop- Teddy Goff, Annie Hirschhorn, Matthew Hoselton, Rose Jia, Tae-Yeoun Keum, Lauren pins, “Mr. Right”, Jackie Robinson, Eleanor Roosevelt, Sacagewea, William Shakespeare, Sche- Koehler, Ryan Koscianski, Richard Lemon, herazade, Socrates, Mother Theresa, Harriet Tubman ...BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR GUYS O Brynne Lieb, Bikobii Libii, Chris Malizia, Henry Michael, Danny Mindlin, Bill Perdue, Kevin Roe, Steve Rozenweig, Margaret Scotti, All contents copyright 2006 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to char- Chiara Scully, Stephanie Speirs, Evan Suzuki, acters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record lugubriously acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Doug Swanson, Lee Tyler, Frank Wilton Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or [email protected]. Coka-caw! Coka-caw! Coka-coka-coka-caw! A-coodle-doodle-doo! Cha-chee! Coo-coo-ca-cha! WWW.YALERECORD.COM O DECEMBERFEBRUARY 2006 2005 3 RECORD DUMB CRAP WE’VE HEARD...THAT YOU SHOULDN’T CARE ABOUT There’s nothing better and/or easier ’07, in line at the dining hall. The two hit having it, I got pissed off and roofi ed her. up in Record, Record again. than a vulnerable pre-prefrosh. Twelve- it off and were married within a week. I bet the look on some douchebag’s face *** year-old Zach Wallace, the younger Soon, however, the amnesia Stevens had was priceless today at 5AM when went to We at the Record have incontrovert- brother of a Men’s Squash recruit, found been suffering from after a near-fatal boat- take a leak and saw her inert, comatose ible evidence that Annie Payson, TD ’06, that out the hard (and by “hard” we might ing accident began to wear off, and he was body on the fl oor. That’s right: I drugged a former intern at the state department, it mean “erect”) way when he slurped back revealed to be Cooper’s long-lost brother her, then proceeded to drag her limp, al- an active member of the American Com- fi fty-two jell-o shots at the Men’s Squash Vyacheslav Q. Cooper DC ‘03. Moreover, most comatose body into the men’s bath- munist Party. As far back as 2001, when house. Having already peed in a laundry the man he had killed to secure a place room, where I had my way with her. As if she did her senior project running errands hamper and vomited very cleanly and ef- behind Cooper in line at the dining hall that weren’t bad enough, the source says I for her local chapter of the American Civil fi ciently into the mouth of an unsuspect- was none other than Cooper’s best-friend took pictures of the act and put them on Liberties Union, a known Communist ing New Haven police offi cer, Wallace’s and priest Vyacheslav Q. Priestly CC ‘88. the internet, because I have a terrible psy- front group, she has been on a soviet night turned dramatically worse when he Stevens/Cooper, stunned, immediately chiatric problem. Oh, God, please make payroll. She can try to hide behind her left the party to go crash in his brother’s lapsed into a coma for several years, pro- this nightmare of guilt and anguish end. socialist mentors, but she cannot escape host’s dorm room. Apparently Wallace longed by his step-mother Vyacheslav Q. I’m sorry. Jesus Christ, I’m so sorry. the truth. That the State Department has got lost on the way home, because the next Onasis’ SM ‘72 attempts to poison him. *** employed, for an entire summer, someone morning he woke up in the bed of none Now what will happen? Will the nurse, It seems that last night (name of who is known to be actively spreading other than basketball star Patrick Ew- enamored, use voodoo potion to wake person in room) ES ‘0(number between Marxist ideology, is a sign of how naïve, ing (Knicks ’04), who was nuzzling him Stevens/Cooper from his coma and run 6 and 9), found out about privacy – the and how imperiled, our great nation has tightly and refusing to let him go. Turns away to Ohio? Will the priest-zombie rise (adjective) way. Coming home from the become. out Patrick Ewing had had quite the eve- from the dead? And what will happen to (Greek letter) (Greek letter)(Greek letter) *** ning himself: after a night of sake-bomb- Valerie’s baby, Vyacheslav Q. Infant ÑC party (Day of the week) night, he/she As the United States moves forward ing at Samurai, Ewing proceeded to de- ‘28? Stay tuned until next month’s Record found his/her roommate (stupid euphe- into the twenty-fi rst century, there is no face everything he could get his hands on, Record. mism for “fucking”) his/her (noun). He doubt that oil availability will continue to including toppling the Abrahamis Pierson *** backed out of the (noun) (adverb), only to be one of our most pressing concerns. With statue on Old Campus, graffi tiing his ini- If you’re reading this, chances are you fi nd his own girlfriend, (name of person the rise of China, instability in the middle tials on each square of the Beinecke, and are not Dan Summers, CC ’09, who, after in room), (either “buck” or “bare”)-ass east, and a costly war abroad, fuel prices ripping the still-beating heart out of the a night of heavy drinking, transformed naked! Turns out she’d been (Verb end- are set to rise dramatically unless impor- chest of Annie Jones, ES ’09. Then, hands into a sixty-foot giant last weekend and ing in “-ing”) it on with (number) mem- tant action is taken. While some conserva- still bloodied and high on whippets, Ew- commenced battle with a fl eet of enor- bers of the (Verb ending in “-ing”) team. tives, backed by oil company lobbyists, ing found solace not in the NBA Cham- mous winged insects. Fortunately, His- (Insensitive, cruel, borderline-too-person- advocate opening American wilderness pionship that eluded him for his entire tory Professor John Gaddis managed to al fi nal sentence). areas such as the Artic National Wildlife career, but in those of pre-teen Wallace. deport him to the moon, where he now *** Refuge to drilling, it is increasingly clear Sure little Wallace hasn’t spoken in three resides as Emperor of the Moon and Ev- Every once in a while we at the Record that these measures will do little more than weeks…but at least he’ll be guaranteed a erything Else Except for John Gaddis. get our hands on a piece of gossip so juicy profi t oil companies. We at the Record hope big envelope in six years. Thanks, Professor Gaddis! we’re not sure we should pass it on...but our elected offi cials take the morally cou- *** *** we always do anyway. This story—of rageous choice in opposing domestic drill- We love a Yale student who knows the Sometimes it’s just one of those stages well-known party girl Gillian Travers ing and actively seek creative, effective so- true meaning of “townie.” Stuart Samu- of life. Ask Susan Black, DC ’09, who was ‘07’s just one such tidbit. Travers started lutions to this growing national crisis. els, PC ’06, began his Saturday night with having a tough time fi tting into college, the night with a nice, intimate aperitif *** a few harmless barbiturates, but soon considering her plain physical appear- with her close friends—who were getting After two decades of heavy drinking turned to snorting horse tranquilizers and ance and crippling social anxiety disor- along really well—got comfortably tipsy, (and one evangelical rebirth), George W. mainlining black-tar heroin. Who knows der. Black, after having herself transferred and went out for a nice meal at Roomba Bush DC ‘68 wound up running for Presi- what happened next… but the following to a psycho single, stopped leaving her on her parents’ credit card, which they dent. Then, coincidentally, after a night morning Samuels woke up in the base- room and soon could no longer fi nd the were totally fi ne with. Contented and of heavy drinking, the United States Su- ment of a crack-house off Dixwell Avenue, courage to face the world. She’s since left still comfortably tipsy from a couple of preme Court voted 5-4 to hand him the bloodied, wearing a knee-length baggy t- school and has returned to live with her bottles of nice wine, Travers continued presidency. Bush proceeded to allow oil shirt, and sporting a new “Hardcore New parents in upstate New York. Now, she’s on to a not-too-crowded party with lots companies to dictate our energy policy, Haven Hardcore 2005” tattoo on the back scheduled to live unhappily for the next of nice, cute guys and great music where trample on civil liberties, and appoint of his neck. It seems he’d inadvertently thirty years. See you later, Susan…unless she chanced to meet Will Barrett ’06, a unqualifi ed cronies to top government joined a New Haven bicycle gang, and you kill yourself! reliable, trustworthy millionaire with a jobs. Then Bush, along with Dick Cheney, was now enlisted with them until death or *** really great smile, who wasted no time also took the time to deliberately mislead puberty. If you spot Samuels in class or at Don’t tell anybody I told you this, in asking her to s’mores at Cosi the fol- the American Public—including falsify- the Post Offi ce, watch out—he may have but according to one source, it seems that lowing Wednesday. Will even walked ing intelligence reports, and branding his a brick, or fourteen small friends—and last night that blonde chick, DC ’09 had her home before telling her he’d never opponents as terrorist sympathizers— in please notify Police Chief James A. Per- a night to not be able to remember, cour- felt this way so fast before and kissing order to lead America into a long, costly rotti. tesy of me, PC ’07. After a night of heavy her gently at fi rst, then passionately (but war with no end in sight. He’s also under- *** drinking I ended up at that party in L- not in a gross way). She then proceeded funded schools, alienated the internation- Down on her life and living alone Dub, and while searching for a drunk girl to win the Publisher’s Clearing House al community, and ignored port security. with her cat, Joanna Cooper JE ‘08 met to bang, I started up a friendly conversa- Sweepstakes. Be more careful next time, Nice going, George: looks like the Ameri- the man of her dreams, Will Stevens JE tion with her. When she totally wasn’t Gillian, you stupid slut…or you’ll wind can People (YC 1701-’05) got screwed. O 4 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM

Emily Drapeau is a girl who ing to Emily, “trees naturally give off We were just minding our “In exchange for a dollar, she offered 5 Btu of energy each day due to excess own business, walking down to transcribe the clash of Gilgamesh lives by the four ‘Rs.’ Reduce, and Enkidu onto a clay tablet in the photosynthesis. If Yale were to plant Whitney one evening, when reuse, recycle, and ravishing. a forest of only 4,204 square miles in original cuneiform, but I honestly In fact, Emily’s so great, we’re size, it could easily harness enough of bam, we became face to face didn’t have any money on me. When this energy to power most of its auto- with love. And love wanted I asked where she got the clay and 15% in love with her now, and the wedge-shaped stylus, she started mated pencil sharpeners or nearly half five dollars. committed to being 100% in the lights in the Fence Club.” Sounds yelling and followed me for several love by the year 2012. like a great plan to this reporter, who Shatweeka This Record reporter first met Emily would love to chloro-fill Emily with Utanapishtim, late November inside her pitch-black his “renewable energy source.” known to most icebox of a room, but was immediately But just because she’s busy saving warmed by the the world, doesn’t mean this person- as the “Epic depth of her most sustainable able planeteer can’t take a joke. “My of Gilgamesh environmen- PERSONALITY friends know I don’t eat things with Lady” is no tal concern. faces,” she says, “so one time they ordinary pan- “Sorry carved little smileys onto all my veg- a b o u t etables. Ha ha, I starved for a week handler. This emily and had to be hospitalized for severe Homeric hobo glucose depletion. College.” has a story, drapeau the lights So what kind of guy will Em- and the ily let enter her “natural habitat”? and that story heat, I don’t really use them so I can “I like men who are interested in is the legend- save energy,” said the Birkenstocks- showering together with me,” says ary quest of EDclad succubus, while systematically the seductive Gaia, “It’s not really a unplugging all the electrical applianc- sexual thing, it just conserves water. Gilgamesh for es in her suite. “Every little bit counts. Oh, and he better not be allergic to immortality. For example, did you know that Yale plants.” High standards, but Emily, “Supreme over could cut down its food waste by 4% this Record reporter is certain of one other kings, if they switched to a more sustainable thing: you’ve caused him to have a single-floor campus? Students save an “development” in his pants, and it’s lordly in ap- average of 23 calories a day if they “sustainable” for at least the next pearance, he is don’t waste energy climbing stairs. fifteen minutes, so why don’t you the hero, born And don’t get me started on how come on down to his “ecosystem” much Yale could save if it instituted a for a little “fucking.” O of Uruk, the much-needed ex- goring wild ercise ban. Every bull,” she trills, time I see some- one jogging, I her abrasive cringe just think- voice elevated ing about how slightly above many extra ap- ples and granola comfort levels, “Two-thirds of blocks shouting about ‘Humbaba’ and bars they must him is god, one third five dol- the ‘seven splendors.’ What the hell.” have gnawed lars! You owe me five dollars Yikes, is it just us, or is it getting hot through to feed in (h)Ur? their selfish, de- According to one student, there structive habit.” is more to Shatweeka than meets the Yes indeed Em- shatweeka eye. “I heard she has a pretty tragic ily, and speaking back story,” said the of destructive student while taking habits, we’d like b u d d y ! ” utanapishtim a circuitous side-route to “rampantly Oh Shat- most personable to avoid contact with deforest” you, all Ms. Utanapishtim, “like she gradu- w e e k a , ABUSIVE PANHANDLER the way to the ated from the University of Al- next Climax Cam- yourSU dul- giers with a degree in Mesopo- paign meeting. cet tones tamian literature or something, A member of make us want to irrigate your but her best friend was murdered for stealing the Golden Bull of Heaven. I YSEC, STEP, and “Fertile Crescent.” YSFP, this MP just feel so bad for her, I wish I didn’t Many students have caught a pay for everything with a credit card recently spear- glimpse of this Sumerian seductress, headed an ini- so I could give her some change and who can often be seen walking un- get her to go away.” One thing’s for tiative aimed at steadily around campus, fumbling convincing Yale sure, Shatweeka, you can “generate a with her pockets and peddling several conflict” between our “vague humani- to convert to minutes of awkward distress for spare 20% eco-friendly tarian guilt” and our “shallow self-in- change, but only a lucky few have terest” any day. Just thinking about it Photosynthesis been given the true Babylonian berat- Power. Accord- has made this Record reporter erect a ing. One such fortunate student says, ziggurat in his pants. O WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 5 came so wet that she im- ware projects. “Only weak ass hatas be he’s also an acclaimed hip-hop artist pressed over Microsuck Winblows,” he by the name of MC Skullfuck. His mediately had to ask him lamented in an email to this reporter. Def Jux debut Right in the Eye Socket to derive the fundamental Mr. Nedermeyer is also single-handedly dropped in late 2002. Skullfuck’s ab- equations governing fluid responsible for writ- stract flow and penchant for math- mechanics. This senior in ing the entire section ematical metaphors (“My shit is of Wikipedia on medi- colin elegant like the Taniyama-Shimura Trumbull puts his throb- eval formal dress. theorem / Sucka MCs can’t prove bing intellect to work with my conjectures, they fear ‘em”) a double major in physics have won him the adoration of the nedermeyer American underground hip-hop and mathematics. scene and of this Record reporter. But Mr. Nedermeyer is no This re- most personable But ladies, there’s unfortunately strait-laced nerd, clad in high-wa- CN porter’s carnal STRING THEORIST no need to brush up on your brain- ter Dockers and never separated craving nearly giving skills just yet; Colin is fucking from his pocket protector. On the overwhelmed her as she watched Co- only one skull at the moment. The contrary, Colin opts for a more lin masterfully use the Lefschetz Fixed multitalented physicist has been dat- relaxed style. He can usually be Point Theorem to demonstrate the Hairy ing MIT electrical engineering junior found “just getting [his] thug on, Ball Postulate (though she personally Olga Novakovski for over two years. laying in the cut” in some white prefers the Freshly Shaven Lemma). But Olga has appeared in recent issues of New Balances, grey sweatpants, she was thrust from her lascivious rev- Playboy and Hustler and is currently and an XL t-shirt expressing in erie by the sound of wicked phat beatz promoting her own line of lingerie. breathtaking wraparound form and dope rhymez pumping out of a “Lots of honeys want a taste of The his enthusiasm for all things drag- small jam box on a shelf above Colin’s Skull,” admitted Colin, “and I’d love While hearing Colin Neder- on-related. time travel device (“It’s still in the ex- to give it to them. But Olga is just When he’s not churning out prob- meyer describe his penetrating perimental stages”). so much more luscious than any of lem sets faster than Austin, MN churns Yes, not only is Mr. Nedermeyer them.” Colin paused for a moment’s work on the dynamics of rigid out cans of Spam®, Colin likes to relax brilliant at manipulating equations thought, as if recalling a memory, be- bodies, this Record reporter be- by contributing to open source soft- (and a few other things as well), but fore remarking, “Damn.” O

With her heavy Ukrainian ac- Organization, and active participant American style. in Model United Nations. She also When this Record cent, it’s not always easy to un- helps organize international food days reporter asked her derstand what Anastasia Ivan- in the dining halls. Okay, so it actually what she looks for nanovich is talking about, but turns out that she does limit herself to in her ideal guy, this Record reporter has some- international activities. Whoops. she told me “____ When it comes to academics, how- ______thing he’d love to put in her ever, this Black Sea beauty isn’t just ______-_ mouth to replace that mangled focused on what’s going on overseas. _____, ______English, if you catch our drift. Her senior essay “The Ukraine in a ______, ______Post-Soviet World: Potential Ramifica- ______.” This His penis. tions for the Global Dirt Trade,” is the Record reporter Anastasia may be one of only two culmination of several years of work asked a nearby Ukrainians at Yale, and the only one in her major, International Studies. friend to translate; who isn’t a thirty-two year old male Next year, she’s planning on applying she explained to flasher with a drinking problem, but for a Fulbright Scholarship to research me that Anastasia that doesn’t mean she’s forgotten the relationship between free had actually said her culture. As the head most personable elections and hay production ““______of YAUS, the Yale Alliance ______INTERNATIONAL in Belarus … uh-oh. of Ukrainian Students, she ______STUDENT But socially, this Com- regularly hosts events that munist-bloc cutie is an ______are, according All-American at having _; ______to the group’s anastasia fun. While it’s true you ___” … you know mission state- might not what? Fuck it. ment, “de- find her at Sure, this third- signed to introduce ivannanovich Toad’s, Beta, world temptress Yalies to all facets of or Rudy’s. has single-minded Ukrainian life.” Events AIOr residential college party suites, off- devotion to not be- this year have included with Ukrani- campus houses, or the heavyweight ing from the Unit- an cooking lessons at “Single Boiled crew house. Or Casino Night, Viva’s, ed States, but that Potato Night,” “The Second Annual or Spring Fling. But just recently, she just makes us at Crippling Poverty Dance,” held in the and her two best friends, Sanikawat the Record want to Saybrook Dining Hall, and the wildly Yurstrioko and Grzlch Peñachgro- put our minds to a successful YUAS Halloween party, the plopolis … oh. Crap. single goal of our “MassGrave-querade Ball.” But a few words with this bread- own, if you know Anastasia doesn’t just limit her- basket-of-the-former-Soviet-Union what we mean. self to international activities, how- bombshell reveals she might just be Having sex with O ever. She’s a world fellow liaison, an up for a little old fashioned lovin’, her. officer of the International Students 6 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM impetus for the majority of modern art les, so long as the ‘C’ stands for ‘cock.’ scholarship. But that’s not all this eru- So what does the future hold for this dite Eros is good for. He remarks, “As Renaissance Manly Man? “I intend to you recall from my seminal 1973 treatise reread the complete annals of Scholastic ‘Defining The Modern Renaissance Man— recording,” says the studious stud, “so Exemplum: Garles Chaddis’ I believe the that I can be fully prepared to update imperforate humanist is defined by his my first book, Conversations with Leon- transferal of scholarship into the forth- ardo. Have I mentioned that I’ve written coming generation.” Professor Chad- enough books to fill an entire floor of dis, here at the Record we’ve got some Sterling? A lot of people find that sort of humanists who you can “transfer some inhuman intelligence quite fetching. Has scholarship into.” We’ll be forth-coming anyone ever told you that you are a very in no time. beautiful young lady? It might please Unsurprisingly, Garles is not short of you to know that Garles Chaddis, one of admirers. Be it the twenty-eight middle- the greatest minds of his age, quite en- aged TAs who help Xerox his readings, joys a girl with ample bosoms, and wide, clean his house, feed, and bathe him, or curvaceous birthing hips, such as your- the hundreds of students who sit capti- self...if you would be so kind as to not vated as he decrepitly cheats death at the tell the grievance board any of this, that lectern, he is never at odds for a poten- would be most fortunate.” What’s long, hard, and makes gan teaching two hundred and twenty tial court case. When asked to describe Professor Chaddis, you prolix piece inexperienced freshmen girls seven years ago. He describes himself the charm of the pedantic prima donna, of ass, it’s a good as the “humble successor to Proust and one student mused, “Professor Chaddis most personable thing the Yale scream? Why, Garles Chaddis’ Kafka”, but we describe him as “hav- said something about the essence of de- BIG NAME grievance board world-renowned class “Intro- ing just made us orgasm 13 successive scription in his noted PROFESSOR is a sham, because duction to Renaissance Italy, times, drenching the floor with our own 1926 essay, A Genius we’re jonesing for version of chiaroscuro shading.” garles 1345-1588” of course! Evaluates the Sistine some “annal” sex A true academic, Garles is the au- Chapel, but I don’t re- sometime soon. Garles, the Pewter Professor Emeri- thor of such esteemed critical works ally remember. I probably clapped for it You can put it in tus of Renaissance Studies, has been at as Il Rinascimento Con Carne and the though. All that clapping, and I still got chaddis our Butt-icelli— Yale longer than anyone can remember, best-selling Chaddis’ Michelangelo’s Da- a ‘C’. God damn it.” Well, we certainly all night long. although carbon dating suggests he be- vid. Together, they are considered the wouldn’t mind gettingGC a ‘C’ from Gar- O Vanessa Thomas is so hot. Not tions about her life at Yale. “It’s not that with another hu- bad, really, having no immune system,” man. But every just like, hot, but like so so hot, Vanessa said. “I mean, I’m sealed in this now and then my or maybe so so hot hot. At first airtight chamber, which is sort of diffi- roommates press this reporter thought, “Oh, so cult. But my roommates have been really p o r n o g r a p h i c she’s really hot. No big deal. accommodating. They know I have spe- photos against cial needs, so they try not to bring any my chamber’s I’m incredibly smooth, well- food or test tubes filled with infectious glass window, so I endowed, and wealthy. She viruses into the room. And they don’t think I know what can’t intimidate me”—but this seem to mind living in DUH.” When it’s all about.” asked if she’s had any difficulty adjust- Even if she reporter was mistaken. Upon ing to college life, Vanessa responded, lacks an immune entering her room, this report- “Not really. I mean, I can’t go to class, system, Vanessa’s er immediately realized there or the dining hall, or anywhere except no easy catch. this ten-by-ten-by-ten cube, but things She’s looking for was no way to approach her: are okay. And sometimes my roommates a guy who “un- not with that long hair, that bring friends to interact with me and ex- derstands her pale complexion, that desper- plain the outside world. I guess there special needs,” ate, longing gaze. She was just was that time last Halloween when they “doesn’t mind got a bunch of people to dress as white the presence of too hot. Also, she was sealed in blood cells and stage an elaborate battle her large mascu- an airtight chamber. against cardboard ‘pathogens,’ but oth- line nurse, or the After recover- er than that things have been airtight chamber ing from his swollen, pretty smooth.” surrounding her,” disfigured erection, vanessa Charitable Yale men who and “is willing to and, with the may want to lend a hand disinfect himself, help of Vanes- “engulfing foreign bodies” in twice a day, by a sterilized silverware. And please mash sa’s large mas- thomas most personable Vanessa’s “mucus quick and pain- culine nurse, membrane” will be less irradiation treatment.” She prefers the food into a pulp and run it through UNTOUCHABLY donning the surprised to note tall, dark-haired boys, but admits that a chlorine wash. And it’d be nice if you HOT GIRL sterilized glass that she’s single. “I’m anyone willing to come and talk to her cleaned the chamber’s feeding tray after helmet worn VT actually a really inno- will do. Vanessa tends to stay in on Sat- dinner. And turned on the oxygen pro- by all Vanessa’s visitors, this reporter cent girl,” Vanessa explained. “I don’t go urday nights, so she imagines her perfect cessor. Sorry.” So she’s a small hassle. But did I approached the chamber’s communica- out much, and I rarely meet guys. In fact, date as a romantic dinner in her room at O tion box and asked Vanessa a few ques- I’ve never experienced physical contact DUH. “But no candles, flowers, or un- mention that she’s really, really hot? WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 7 Some students attend Yale for isn’t taken up by crosses of various sizes. the academics, others to snag A large armoire is devoted to Susan’s large collection of shapeless three-season sweat- a studly Ivy Leage spouse. But er collection. Susan explains her unusual not Susan Easter Wilson. Hail- fashion choice: “When the Lord does send ing from the my life partner, I heart of the want him to join susan easter me for my spiri- heartland— tual devotion and Red Cloud, not for reasons N e b r a s k a — wilson of temptation.” most personable Don’t worry Su- where there jesus freak san—we won’t are three worship your Domes of the Rock. SEWSusan has found local churches too sheep for every person and two leftist for her Bible Belt roots (“one of them churches for every sheep—Su- had a lady minister—what’s next, a talk- san has made it her life mission ing horse?), so she arranges weekly Bible to bring Christ to the heathen study sessions in her room with a group blue states. “When you’re mar- of likeminded Christaholics. Methodically proceeding from Genesis to Revelation, ried to Jesus, there’s no time the group engages in friendly competition for boys!” Susan giggles. “Al- to see who can find the most justifications though sometimes, I do see per chapter for the sinfulness of homo- sexuality or the unredemptiveness of the other men on the side—like Jews. “The winner gets a gilt-edged Bible She spent her first month there work- Saint Peter and Saint Paul!” at our end-of-the-year party,” Susan raves. 2-4-6-8, to whom does ing with indigenous people and other When Susan is not having heavenly “You should come hang out for Christ this reporter masturbate? Yalies on a sustainable farm. Jane threesomes with the Church Fathers, this (he “hung out” for us)— there’ll be tons Jane Grinell! Jane Grinell! gushes, “I learned so much from work- bride of Christ can be found sipping to- of punch, and for those who don’t drink ing with Bill [Corian, SY ‘06], Jack [De- mato juice alone at the Saybrook Squiche sugar, water!” Goooooooo, Jane Grinell! Lyle, TD ‘07], Dan [Sansworth, BR ‘07] [sp.?] and tunelessly humming “A Mighty Majoring in Religious Studies—what Dressed in her trademark and all those great native folk. They Fortress is Our God.” “When I really want else—Susan plans to spend a few years polypropylene shirt and hik- taught me all I know about finding to let my hair down—metaphorically, of in Africa teaching the savages about Je- myself. I can’t wait to see the whole course, since loose hair is an abomination sus’ love and the evils of contraception. ing shorts, Jane – or, as she’s gang at the reunion [in New Haven] in the eyes of Jehovah—I’ll have a decaf- Susan speaks enthusiastically about this known on the trail, Pussywil- next month!” feinated orange soda. But never on the “missionary position,” which will expose low – is not afraid to over- According to Jane, her life-af- Lord’s Day. Then it’s just fasting and flag- her to undreamt exotic worlds of bibli- power men with her strong firming time off also left her with a ellation for me!” cal exegesis and outerwear. “I’ve heard newfound sense of environmental re- This Record reporter got a firsthand that God burnt the Africans to a crisp to spirit and distinctive odor. sponsibility. Bright eyes shining, Jane tour of Susan’s single, which she mod- punish them for their idolatrous ways…I This first thing one notices upon said, “When I was backpacking in the estly describes as “ground zero in the war hope I can still wear my sweaters in An- entering Jane’s room is the large tent Andean backcountry, I was appalled against the godless.” Giant posters of Creed gola—Leviticus specifically forbids ex- set up in the common room. “Yeah, to see natives entering the wilderness and Jim Caviezel adorn the wall space that posed elbows!” O you know, there’s just something wholesome about sleeping on an in- area and harvesting plants to use for flated camping mattress in a synthetic feeding their families. I mean, really, down sleeping bag under the natural how am I supposed to enjoy nature roof of VX02 fabric.” We know what when these people are rampantly sub- you mean, Jane – we’d loved to inflate sisting off the land?” We don’t know, your Thermarest! Jane, but we’re pretty sure we could Commenting on her extensive wa- subsist off the bounty of your fertile ter bottle collection, Jane says, “Each of soil! these Nalgenes holds a special place in And what is Jane looking for in my heart. See, this FOOT Nalgene was the perfect FOOT co-leader? “My my very first love. This ‘Free Tibet’ ideal guy would en- joy rousing games of one represents most personable my undying jane Big Booty and Mafia, commitment to FOOT LEADER fleece in all its mani- social causes that festations and world really inspire me. And peace.” An ideal date? “A this one is 100% percent grinell multi-week expedition away organic – it also serves from all the trials, tribulation as an emergency food ration.” Man, and showers of modern soci- would this Record reporter love to fill ety, sleeping every night in a bivy sac Jane up with exactly one literJG of his hanging precariously from a wall of organic, biodegradable liquid! rock.” Jane recently took time off from All this Record Reporter can say is, boy, I’d love to drill some pitons into Yale to travel to Patagonia through the O Bulldogs in the Backcountry program. Jane’s rock face. 8 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM “IRREGARDLESS” IS NOT A WORD From his “JMS” monogrammed cigar and servile help—two things that are In his 22 seasons in Ma- Yale sweaters to his loyal atten- just hard to come by these days,” Monty jor League Baseball, Hall- admits ruefully. Academically, Monty dance at every home football spends his time up on Hillhouse with the of-Fame outfielder Dave game to his charmingly in- other EP&E majors. “The boys and I have Winfield amassed some eradicable anti-Semitism, Mon- it out oftentimes, because those chuckle- of the most-personable tague Summers screams “clas- heads keep trying to tell me about some powderpuff theory called ‘Keynesian eco- statistics of any player in sic Yale man.” With his piercing nomics.’ No Summers man got to where his generation, including blue eyes and perfectly styled he is in the ball bearing industry through a lifetime .283 batting av- sandy hair, this is the fellow following child labor laws, I’ll tell you that!” erage, 3110 hits, 465 home every debu- H o w e v - runs, 1833 runs batted in, tante wants on j. montague er, Monty’s 12 all-star nominations, her arm as she rakish days five Gold Gloves, two can’t last parades into forever. So World Series appearanc- cotillion. Ever the tra- summers the question es (including a title with ditionalist, Monty gets most personable is, what kind the 1992 Blue Jays), and his three-pieces at Brooks Yale man of gal will one day become Mrs. J. Mon- one spot in Cooperstown, Brothers, his neckerchiefsJMS at tague Summers? Ladies, look out: if where he was inducted in J.Press, and his racism from a you want this Montague to be the Ro- 2001-the first year of eligi- social conscience frozen in the meo to your Juliet, you better meet a few basic requirements: what Monty bility after his 1995 retire- Coolidge Administration. “A calls “the three As—ageless, Aryan, ment. seasons in New York, which included A native of St. Paul, Minnesota, Win- country club should be like airhead.” As Monty puts it, “I don’t a first visit to the world series (in 1981, field raised eyebrows in his college days heaven: no Jews, Catholics, want some talker-backer nagging me a loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers), a at local University of Minnesota, where over not remembering such-and-such career-high .340 average in 1984, and or Negroes allowed!” Monty he led the Golden Gophers to a College or having an affair with so-and-so. Just numerous run-ins with Yankee owner chortled over bowls of baker’s World Series title in 1973 as both a hit- look good on my arm at opera galas George Steinbrenner. In 1991, Stein- O ter and a pitcher. A gifted 6’6” athlete soup at Mory’s. Don’t forget and keep the Botox coming.” brenner traded Winfield, thus begin- with a strong throwing arm, Winfield ning the third phase of Winfield’s career, the Irish, Monty! was drafted out of college by the San Di- in which he played with four different Heir to the Summers ball ego Padres as well as the NBA’s Atlanta squads in his final six seasons, including bearing fortune, this natty play- Hawks, the ABA’s Utah Stars and the the 1992 season with Toronto in which boy spends his summers on Long NFL’s Minnesota Vikings, even though Winfield won his first and only World Island’s North Shore recreating he hadn’t played football in college. The Series ring. a world in which 1929’s Black Russians also sought Winfield’s services In addition to his long, illustrious Monday (and seventy-seven sub- as a key addition to their space program, career, Winfield is fa- sequent years of history) never but he declined mous among baseball happened. Extravagant lawn par- the offer, citing fans for an incident ties blaze long into the night at a fear of outer dave that occurred dur- Monty’s beach-front estate as all space. ing the August 4, 1983 of society congregates to dance the The Padres New York at Toronto game. Charleston and jitterbug while sip- then made an winfield most personable During warm-ups before ping gin fizzes in blatant violation almost un- the fifth inning, Winfield of the Volstead Act. “Sometimes on heard-of move: they Dave Winfield accidentally struck a seagull with steamy July nights, before I have sent Winfield straight to the majors my way with her, a broad and I will DWa ball he had thrown, killing it. After a without any time in the minor league. less than remorseful reaction-Winfield go down to the dock and switch the Winfield played eight seasons in San Di- sarcastically removed his cap-fans re- green boat light on and off in an at- ego, including his breakout 1979 season, sponded by booing him and throwing tempt to cause shipwrecks. It also in which he stroked 34 homers and post- projectiles. Winfield was later served really perturbs the renter across the ed a .308 average and a career-high 118 with a $500 cruelty-to-animals citation bay—ah, the other half.” RBI. But after the 1980 season Winfield by the Ontario Provincial Police. Fortu- So where does this impec- became a free-agent and signed a land- nately for Winfield, he was the highest- cably turned out scion spend his mark 10-year, $23-million contract with paid player in baseball. time at Yale when not dancing the the New York Yankees, making him, Winfield was inducted into the Ma- foxtrot or taunting the proletariat? at that time, the highest-paid player in jor League Baseball Hall-of-Fame in As the official tobacconist of the baseball. 2001. When asked if he had any advice Conservative Party, Monty spends “I have just signed a landmark 10- for fellow Yale students about how to many an afternoon in the back of year, $23-million contract with the New be inducted to the Major League Base- Old Owl talking tobacco lore with York Yankees, making me the highest- ball Hall-of-Fame, Winfield responded: the proprietor, who has person- paid player in baseball,” Winfield said at “Live the dream. Baseball, baseball. ally provided three generations of the time. Dave Winfield forever!” O Summerses with Kentucky’s finest So began, in 1981, Winfield’s nine white burley pipe tobacco. “A good WWW.YALERECORD.COM OFEBRUARY 2006 9 “In’t that jus’ the most ador- jawed Record reporter fantasized about generates into able li’l ol’ thing you eva’ did the border states peeking out from her Grey Goose shots La Coste V-neck, Claire rattled off how in preparation for see?” This was the third mail- the Du Forets have always been at the a big night of par- box Claire had commented forefront of labor negotiation: “after tying at Toad’s, but upon, but this Record reporter the War of Northern Aggression, we no matter who/ immediately gave all our sharecrop- was happy to agree with any what she does pers forty acres and a toy pony, since that night, Claire honeyed word out of the sultry all the mules had been bartered for always staggers Southerner’s mouth. C.M. du crinoline and whalebone corsets. Re- into church bright cently, we’ve increased Alabama’s F. is a pure product of Ameri- and early Sunday Hispanic diversity by shipping in non- morning. “Christ ca, a golden-haired Alabama unionized Guatemalans to harvest the really inspires me slamma’ with the mellifluous tobacco. They get their own quarters to help the less accent of a Scarlett O’Hara, and to practice their native chanting and fortunate,” Claire everything!” says solemnly, as the latent racism to boot. We’d At Yale, Claire has been active in she handed the all like to ring this belle! remnants of her “Charity has always been Raspberry Chick- part of my nature,” Claire claire marie en Explosion says while adjusting her salad to a startled double strand of pearls black business- and fixing this Record re- du foret man passing by porter with blue eyes as bringing a little on Chapel Street lar question: to what kind of man will limpid as Carolina swim- Southern comfort [I think this might be funnier than just Claire give a tour of her “Dirty South?” ming holes where young lovers most personable to us benighted North- a bum because it hits the racism angle “Well,” she drawls, “he should be tall, while away the hoursCMdF until they Southern Belle erners. Every Saturday too, but your call]. Proving her social dark, and handsome…not too dark of contract diphtheria from the mi- afternoon, Claire and conscience, Claire is founder of Daugh- course…really just someone who will crobe-infected cesspool. They do her Theta sisters host a ters of the Confederacies for the Widows take care of me. After all, I’m only here say that charity starts at home, even if sweet tea hour at her off-campus place of Operation Enduring Liberty/Iraqi to get my M.R.S…teehee!” So wannabe your home is a 450-acre antebellum- (“It’s the one with the Stars and Bars in Freedom and a facebook.com group General Shermans: if you plan to pillage era brightleaf tobacco plantation on the window, just holla’ and I’ll let you devoted to the virtues of grits. And the this Southlander, sheath your sabers and Alabama’s Gulf Coast. As this slack- in!”). She says the tea party usually de- twenty-four-thousand (confederate) dol- get your checkbooks out instead! O

“Will you please come down?” quickly buried the stool and continued “No. I’ve got to read more Cicero be- foraging for roots and wild berries. fore section.” Lucas doesn’t have a girlfriend, but And that was the “interview.” For- he’s recently been spraying his urine in tunately, this reporter is more resource- bushes and mailboxes, so he’s probably ful than the average two-bit writer for in rutting season. If this reporter had to a Yale publication, and decided to con- guess his type, it would either be “out- struct a makeshift shelter in a nearby tree doorsy” or “four-legged mammal.” Lu- so as to observe Lucas in his daily hab- cas is rather strapping, in a crazed sweaty its. After several months sort of way, and of close watching, this this reporter has reporter has concluded lucas ray observed vari- that Lucas Ray Bigsby is ous Yale women a transfer student from making advances Deep Springs College, a tiny bigsby towards him, but school located on Highway most personable always to no effect. 168 in Inyo County, Cali- transfer student Apparently they fornia that does not currently have little understanding consider female applicantsLRB and of plumage and the bene- only offers an Associate’s Degree in the fits of sexual dimorphism in inter-sexual liberal arts. Each morning Lucas wakes selection. Lucas, in turn, has taken to before sunrise and descends from his masturbating frequently and howling at tree to commune with a pack of deer passerby. bines rigorous academics with that mysteriously appear on Old Cam- Lucas is, after all, a transfer stu- Lucas Ray Bigsby is crouching pus each morning before sunrise. In the dent, and needs personal space while he in a tree on Old Campus and the challenges of the labor pro- day-time, he can be seen riding a speck- makes his transition to Yale. If you’d like refuses to come down. gram and of democratic self- led-brown colt in the hallways of WLH, to get to know Lucas better, do not ap- “I just want to ask you a few governance,” he hollers back. or occasionally in the stacks at Sterling, proach his tree, because he’s very territo- making goat cheese. He’s often alone rial. Don’t offer him food, either, because very revealing questions about “What?” “Deep Springs offers only an Asso- and generally doesn’t communicate it’ll disrupt his natural diet and may in- your personality. You can trust ciate’s Degree in the liberal arts. Deep with other people, but he has been spot- troduce New-Haven-born pathogens his me, I’m from the Yale Record,” Springs does not currently consider fe- ted at the top of Harkness Tower, send- immune system has never encountered. ing smoke signals to his forest brethren. And please, no flash photography. Lucas this reporter hollers at him. male applicants. Deep Springs is located on Highway 168 in Inyo County, Califor- And once this reporter saw him take a is a unique contribution to the diversity “Life at Deep Springs com- nia. Deep Springs has…” dump in the Silliman courtyard, but he of the Yale community. Let’s just let him roam. O 10 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM Marni Feldshuh needs no for- book, Marni keeps an address-library. “A biiiiiig black one,” she says. “For mal introduction. If you’ve all my acquaintances.” ever stepped outside your door, A quick tour of Marni’s bedroom you’ve either seen her, heard reveals even more about her personal- about her, or experienced her ity than her lexicon ever will. Being the responsible and environmentally aware for yourself. Often mistaken gal that she is, Marni always keeps blue for drunk Quinnipiac student, recycling bin filled to the brim… with Marni is the noble recipient of empty bottles of grain alcohol. “I really believe in efficiency,” Marni explains, Toad’s prestigious MVP award “and I don’t like to waste energy. Think for the fifth year running— of all those starving children in Africa! even though So before I head to Toad’s I line up five shots of she’s only a marni grain, to junior. How is conserve this possible feldshuh liquid and you ask? Let’s just say calories.” Marni also Marni owes favors and most personable boasts an exten- always follows up on them. sive collection of MFtoad’s slut Marni is not a new addition to shot glasses, fea- the pages of the Record. She is prac- turing snazzy catch- when her date passed out in her lap. “I Now I love my new look—I’ll never tically a weekly standard in our fea- phrases such as “50% take an opportunity when I see one,” she wear a beard again!” ture Record Record, for everything angel 100% devil,” and “my other ride says. “Especially since I was butt-ugly Unfortunately, Marni’s already tak- from going 15 for 15 with the men’s is your dad, cousin, brother and uncle.” in high school. Everyone called me ‘the en. Speaking very slowly, crossing her lightweight crew team to waking up When I ask Marni about her shot glass- bearded girl,’ since I had a beard and fingers, and winking ten times, Marni at Toad’s more times than we (or she) es, she responds, “I made those myself. my parents never let me cover it with insists, “I’m taken. Hunter Coldstone can count. When asked about her pen- I love keeping my hands busy.” Marni cosmetics. They were big proponents of is the only man for me.” What, then, chant for getting up in people’s busi- sure does, according to all five of my natural beauty.” Luckily for 75% of the would it take to land this sweet Casa- ness, Marni responds, “I love people. suitemates. guys here, that all changed when Marni nova? Next to nothing. Just find her at I consider myself one of the most per- Marni was not always such a will- got to Yale. “I finally shaved it off. A lot Toad’s, get your groove on, and you may sonable people I know! Also, I’m not ing, social spectacle. In high school, of the guys I was getting to know com- be one of the lucky many that get to pick picky.” In fact, instead of a little black Marni’s first kiss was senior year prom, plained about itchy burning sensations. from her bowl of cherries. O

There is always the manliest student to enter to keep women from pumping his iron, though usually he’s good to spot more one in each gym. Payne Whitney, ever. than a few lifts. A fifth-year senior in JE, Dirk can He can bench This Record reporter doesn’t want usually be found in the gym where to give the impression that Dirk’s all press two times he’s been pumping up, getting his brawn, because he wouldn’t have gotten your weight drink on with his Zeta Psi brothers, where he is today without the help and or watching the Yankees once again without breaking support of his frat brothers, his favorite prove they’re worth their weight in funnel, and an overactive liver. “Nobody a sweat and his lead from his off-campus pad. Re- loves Zeta Psi more than Dirk,” says his biceps have their gardless of where he’s frat brother Ron Selzner, JE ’08, hanging out, though, own area codes, “but he’s not gay or anything, Dirk manages to stick dirk which makes him even when he hooks up with out due to the repeat- one of our dudes a convenient to ed intensity, tenacity, few times.” Zeta Psi and girth of everything hehelfheber reach when your hasn’t had a more puts his mind to, and that girl swoons into stalwart member really means everything. since it’s founding, his arms simply With all of this in mind, you might most personable and to many, the because she can’t wonder why Dirk came to study at DHbig dumb fuck frat without Dirk Yale. “I wasn’t so into it myself, but avoid the gravi- would just be DKE once I heard it had the biggest gym in without the ruffies—or the women. tational field re- the Western Hempisphere, I was sold.” Best of all, at least for you ladies and leased by his When Dirk can’t fit time to study into 30% of you guys out there, Dirk’s now his schedule he doesn’t panic, “You’ve chest. Dirk Helf- free from the shackles of a long-term re- gotta know your goals. Some people heber, though, is lationship and back to his old life as the just want to become another doctor like biggest fish in the dating pool, in more not just any old everyone else, but me, I want to use ways than one. What’s her loss is our my Yale degree and training to help me Big Dumb Fuck, gain. Why not see if Dirk will help you win the strong man competitions like he’s Yale’s BDF, out next time you’re in the gym, or at the ones they have on ESPN.” Since he least show you how to work the show- and even he’s fig- spends so much time in the gym, some- ers. O ured out that he’s times his biggest problem is just trying WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 11 From the time he was given I’m not gay, okay?” Well, Aar- ciety? “Oh yeah, that one’s actually world can’t make up for the fact that my true. It’s just a bunch of GOBs smok- children call the doorman ‘Daddy’…a his first Fischer-Price Trad- on, we hear that a whole bunch ing cigars naked and stuff. Hey, don’t guy can dream, can’t he?” ing Desk, Aaron Levinson has of hot ladies are currently in- laugh douche bag.” Nevertheless Aaron will be careful been preparing to make money, terested in not-so-figuratively So where does this sexier version of not to follow completely in the footsteps and lots of it, as an investment merging their acquisitions with Patrick Bateman see himself in twenty of his father, legendary commodities years? “That’s easy,” he says, “in the den magnate Chad Levinson. “Yeah, he and banker – oops, sorry folks, your large portfolio. of my Fifth Avenue apartment, sitting Alan Greenspan were really, really, re- that’s I-banker. It’s no surprise You’d be wrong to assume that Mr. alone among the pieces of my modern ally close at one point. They took a lot Levinson is going to let just anyone then that future trophy wives art collection with a half-finished bottle of ‘business trips’ together and shit. I got Credit Suisse First Bust in his mouth, of single malt scotch, gently weeping pretty lonely as a kid.” are already eager to let Aaron F though – this is a man of principle. In to myself because all the money in the But this bull (well, actually, this them in their Vs. fact, his resume practically reads like bear) isn’t going to mount This Record reporter first met an ode to direction, just any dame – to insider- most personable trade your way into Aar- Aaron outside of UCS, where, on’s pants you’ll have to looking particularly Goldman future i-banker meet a pretty high perfor- Sexy in mance target, consistently dedication, a three- surpassing the expecta- aaron and com- tions of the meat market. p i e c e m u n i t y “Most importantly,” Aar- b l a c k c o n c e r n : on explains, “he – GAH! levinson President suit, he was camp- she – has to be young of the enough that I won’t have ing out in order Yale En- to go through the hassle to secure the “most profitable” trepreneurial So- of finding a trophy wife ALciety, Volunteer at walk-in appointment time. in a few years. At the mo- the Yale Women’s ment, age thirteen is the “Damn, I’ve already had to Center, a 3.83 GPA cutoff, but anyone over suck four recruiter’s dicks this – “Yeah, umm, I nine better have a great week,” he yawned. “That’s fig- so didn’t make personality.” Uh-oh, up any of that.” uratively, of course. Make sure Aaron, looks like you’re a Founder of “Trou- sexual predator! you put it in there that I only ser Snake,” Yale’s Our bad. An “S-Pred- enjoy sucking figurative dick. newest secret so- ator.” O

The lights go off and the crowd where she began her lifelong affair with after several months spent on a transi- my fellow students, and maybe this’ll settles down in Sprague for an- music at the age of two. Her first music tional pair of training sporks, quickly help introduce some people to spoon- teacher was her grandfather Jedediah became one of the top spoons players ing. I’m doing whatever I can to increase other dull sonata from the dark Whitney, who used to play her pieces on in the country. She debuted at Carnegie awareness, and I’m also giving lessons ages. Then, out walks Whit- whatever he happened to have around, when she was only 17 and just a year to help pay for my tuition. If you’re in- ney Ninternan, a lone girl car- from straws to salt-shakers, eventually ago won a Grammy for her LP duet with terested give me a call.” Don’t worry, Stolen Silver. rying nothing but four spoons settling on spoons. “He taught me it’s Edgar Meyer, Whitney, if you’re offering a private les- not as important what you play on as How does Whitney feel to be chosen son in spooning you’ll have no shortage and a smile. Before you know what’s in your heart.” for MP? “I’m proud to be recognized by of calls. O it, you’ve been Whitney and her family treated to the hot- whitney left Little Rock for Los Angeles when she test, sweatiest, was five, after Jede- dirtiest night…of clas-ninterman diah died of a heart sical spoon-playing in attack. Rest assured, your life. And most personable though, men--spoons aren’t the only as this Record WNpiece of equipment Whitney has mas- reporter can at- virtuoso tered manipulating. Following in her grandfather’s footsteps, Whitney began test, it wasn’t just her own experiments with different the audience that kept stand- percussive instruments at an early age. ing after the show. Whitney spent her childhood practicing Some people find her skill to even the fork nonstop until at the age of 14 be intimidating. “In high school I orga- she decided that their ugly, pointed tone nized a bunch of Habitat trips to Latin wasn’t pure enough for such a virtuous America, which I thought would really virtuoso like herself. make me stand out when I got to Yale,” After a brief, misguided “chopstick Ninternan’s roommate, Jules Pointer phase,” Whitney looked to other sil- told the Record, “but when your room- verware for her answer. Remembering mate is the best spoons player in the her grandfather’s fondness for spoons, Western Hemisphere, well…anyway.” Whitney began working towards bring- Whitney was born in Little Rock, AR, ing her mastery of the fork with her and, 12 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM A GRUNDLE OF JOY Hugh Grant beware - cute mis- that tells us it is important to understandings are the name “thrusta giantgreenvibrator of Grundle’s game. A native of upyourmothers quiveringass” Azerbaijan, where “Grundle” – in English, that translates to means “joy” and “Grundle- “go with the flow.” face” means “emanating from His roommates tell the Record that Grundle’s still getting used to Ameri- the joyous and sacred river of can culture, often with hilarious results. the heart,” this is one personal- “Just yesterday Grundle grabbed a wait- ity who’s used to taking it all in ress at Yorkside by the scruff of her neck, threw ketchup in her face, and ground stride. “Sure, when I tell Ameri- bits of half-eaten chicken strips into her cans my name they often laugh, hair. I had to tell him ‘hey, Grundy, over at first,” says Grundleface, tak- here we just say ‘check please,’” said ing a big bite of wetpussy, a Pierce Carmichael, his Freshman year suitemate. “It’s great,” he added, “he’s traditional Azerbaijani holiday just like Fez in That Seventies Show!” dish. “But I think the differ- Here at the Record, we entirely agree, ences between the languages only we don’t think Fez ever did some- thing half as romantic as setting his Dav- of our two countries is funny ernport screw date’s bed on fire as a way also. After all, there is saying of letting her know he wanted to see her in the Azerbaijani language again. the sincerity of his apology, he slapped is to get her blackout drunk and drag her With his boyish good looks my buttocks with his left hand while into the men’s room to impregnate her. I most personable and I’m-new-here charm, I asked if giving me a titty-twister with his right. was very embarrassed.” Grundle often get propositions from Pure charm! Well Grundy, one thing that this Re- LOVABLE Of course, sometimes the lovely cord reporter wouldn’t be embarrassed FOREIGNER the ladies. “How dare you!!!” he re- plied, and gave me the thumbs-up. Grundle’s antics get a little out of hand. about is taking you out to dinner. Sorry “Oh, I’m sorry, in Azerbaijani “la- “The first time I go visit Toad’s,” he - make that taking you out to “adun- grundle dies” means “to take a rake out of the told this Record reporter, “I ask a girl to geonpornscreening followedby avigor- garden shed and use it to sodomize dance. A friend of mine had to explain ousround ofshoving zuchinnisup your- O GGgrundleface your sister-in-law.” Then to show to me that in America, appropriate thing peehole anddefecating inyourear.” Most people at Yale-or at least tar. But there’s more to this That’s right: this chill Californian is an inspiration. Sometimes I still pretend the lucky ones who live near six-foot-one heart-throb than more than just a pretty-boy, as his chill to pretend to hear her...but it’s just not the Fabio-like flowing, dirty- lyrics soon reveal. Walter has known a lot the same, you know?” To keep it togeth- him on Old Campus-know of tragedy in his life-and not just the trag- er, Walter fills his life with interests that Walter Driggs as “that chill blonde mane, Fabio-like far- edy of resisting this reporter’s advances- go beyond just playing guitar on Old guitar guy,” since he’s the chill off blue-eyed considering the recent death of Campus, such as thinking, crying, writ- gaze, and his imaginary girlfriend, Willow, ing songs, and playing his guitar at the guy who’s always playing gui- whom he eulogizes gracefully (and Fabio-like walter Post Office. “No one can understand my often) in his tunes. pain,” Walter reminded us. “But I’m not p e n c h a n t “I still can feel Willow/her going to stop singing about it.” for the ro- driggs breath on my pillow/her breasts In fact, it might seem tempting to most personable in the palms of my hands/ I’ve mantic. As soon as pigeon-hole Walter as being nothing poser with known other women/but from more than a guitar player...and in this this Record report- a guitar weeping I’m swimmin’/in waters no case, you’d be right. “I’m all about the er’s heartWD stopped one understands,” Walter sang wist- music, man,” he crooned tunelessly over beating in time to Walter’s fully, while staring up into the eyes of this the chords of John Mayer’s ‘Your Body Record reporter as she approached him for Is a Wonderland.’ “I’m about express- knee-buckling, moisture-in- an interview. At least this reporter thinks ing myself and sharing my art with the inappropriate-places-(or-are- he was staring into her eyes-it was hard world.” they-appropriate-places?)- to tell behind those inscrutable, chill John And ladies, right Walt? “I am a great Lennon shades and that lock of hair fall- inducing (yet still so chill) appreciator of womankind,” Walter ad- ing down over his eye like a single, tragic, mitted to the patch of grass between us rendition of Jack Johnson’s chill meteor. at which he had been staring for most of ‘Bubble Toes,’ she realized “Willow’s always been there for the second half of interview. “A woman me” Walter told me chill-ly. “Even when he had a sensitive side. And is like a guitar: she has six strings and no one else was around, she was there you play her while you sing songs.” we’re not talking about his in my mind. It’s been tough without her, Did you mean that, Mr. Driggs? Record cute butt, either. but since she’s been gone she’s still been thinks so. O WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 13 If we told you there’s a guy any time he wants. out there who’s on a first-name As if his own group wasn’t impor- tant enough, he took extra time this basis with the real live deputy fall to help run the unsuccessful alder- mayor of a major city like New manic campaign of Rachel Aboden- A GRUNDLE OF JOY Haven, you’d probably shit pleasant ’07. “Sure, we didn’t win that one, but I’m still proud that we yourself. If we told you he also took a stand for undemocratic, ma- regularly meets with actual al- chine-style party politics,” he said in dermen to discuss allocating the two-hundred twenty-third “Y”DN the city’s municipal parks bud- post-election analysis piece. “Be- sides, there are some things that are get, you’d probably be as ex- more important than winning – like cited as you were that time the indulging our own fantasies of run- pregnancy test turned out neg- ning a presidential campaign instead of paying attention to actual voters. ative. Well, ladies, grab a pair Our side was on message, with a first of Depends and a condom with rate communications staff which em- a hole in it, ‘cause Bill Westing’s ployed one of the most aggressive, obnoxious get out-the-vote efforts got all that, and more. this campus has ever seen. We print- This year, Bill founded the New ed flyers, we put up signs, we even Haven Progressive Student Alliance had a fundraiser, we walked around for Progress and its political arm, the in campaign T-shirts – we were even New Haven Progressive Student Al- almost as self-important as real-life liance for Progress PAC. His most soulless political operatives. It was recent project, passing a resolution to so cool! But in the end, this race was a repaint all of New Haven’s parking like a high school popularity contest, meters from black to a dark hunter’s and the people with a good campaign green, has attracted attention from strategy and charisma won.” the “Yale” Dai- So what does a would-be Monica M. Kevin Harvasan knows honestly, whoever decided to start call- ly News to the have to do to snag this Bill? “You have more about Kant than you, and ing it that is freaking hilarious. I mean, “Yale” Herald. bill to care about what I care about,” just because we’re way smarter than the In fact, he’s al- he’s not afraid to insinuate it. he told this Record reporter. “Spe- rest of Yale doesn’t mean we can’t still ready repeat- “What is this epistemological world cifically, re-runs of The West kick it, right?” edly e-mailed westing but a synthesis of a priori and a poste- most personable Wing. Also, you should con- M. Kevin can usually be found “get- Jake Weisfield riori conceptualizations of the knowable stantly validate my self- ting his apostrophic crunk on” on the ‘93, New Haven assistant Future president thing in itself,” this hirsute academic esteem, and you’ve got to third floor of the Whitney Humanities to the subdeputy of park- from yale pondered. Indeed, as I sat there imbib- be good looking enough Center. When he’s not consulting with ing, to propose details for ing his steamy smugness, one thing was to get me a photo-op in his academic advisors or “mackin’ it” the measure, whichBW he hopes will clear. Journalistic integrity be damned, the Herald. Basically, I’m looking with his bitches in the Classical Civili- reach a preliminary vote sometime I had to figure out how to condescend- for a yes-man, with the added bonus zations Department, however, this su- in early two-thousand one-hundred ingly disregard my way into M. Kevin’s of oral pleasure every Tuesday eve- percilious sex god engages his superior thirty-one. While it’s still uncertain khakis. ning.” With his charm, charisma, and brain with his other favorite pastime: exactly how just how many special As I soon discovered, however, slicked-backed hair, it won’t be long class. interest groups need to be appeased wild, overtly pretentious sex is never an until this power player starts getting “Since DS, I’ve had a really hard time before the “Meter Re-Coloration and object for this winning MP. Standing a his Tuesday-evening blowjobs in the finding classes that were on my level. Hue Amending Act” can make it out statuesque office of the assistant to the undersec- Sophomore of committee, one thing is clear – Bill O 5’6”, MKH most personable retary for highway management. year I got can grass this Record reporter’s roots combines a m. kevin spark-plug ex-DSer into a bunch physique with a winning smirk com- of core EP&E placent enough to make any female in harvasan s e m i n a r s , range wet with subtle, seething resent- which were ment. okay, I guess. Right now I’m taking “Section is where I really turn on my mostly graduate classes. Just between ass-dar,” M.MKH Kevin explained. “I mean you and me, I really get off on letting come on, who can resist the smartest that one slip at parties.” guy in the room? Besides, chicks really Though few would deny that Harva- dig it when I tell them their arguments san’s casual, intellectual disdain for oth- aren’t ontologically significant.” ers keeps the women lining up around Though he is currently a junior, the block, M. Kevin doesn’t want to be MKH attributes his bawdy brilliance tied down just yet. Nevertheless, before to his participation in Directed Stud- the year is out, this imperious MP hopes ies his freshman year. But even though to become “snuggle buddies” with some he reads Plato, don’t think for a minute lucky lady or, even better, a lecherous that Kevin doesn’t know how to break it Associate Professor of Greek History. down Symposium-style. “I don’t kiss and tell,” he said with a “I joined the Drunken Socrates So- wink, “though I do kiss and expound, if O ciety group on the facebook.com, ‘cause you’ve got five and a half hours.” 14 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM in the coffee shop with his own blend of Meeting Matthew Bradley for To keep in shape, Skip masturbates Stephen Walker. A name that to gay pornography. “It’s really great for creamy double-shot espresso. the first time, you’d never know brings to mind many things. Stephen spotted us and started sa- my forearms, and since it’s gay porn I Mystery. Intrigue. Charm. shaying over to our table. Suddenly, he was from West Virginia. don’t have to worry about having an or- gasm. Ever. I also like to tap dance—it’s And above all, the question, with one magnificent flailing of both Clean, well-dressed, and fully- most personablehands, he dismissed all the functioning, “can a man be any more girls, some of whom broke Gay Guy spectacularly gay?” down immediately. He Matthew—or When asked to de- down at this reporter’s “Skip,” as his scribe Stephen in as few stephen formerly-full table ex- friends call words as possible, one of claiming, “Oh my god, h i m — s t i l l his twenty-five closest fe- I’m soooo sorry I’m male friends needed only walker late! I was up really late last insists he’s one: “gay.” When asked to night with this darling guy 100% West elaborate, she explained, from Puerto Rico and, well, V i r g i n i a n . “You know. Homosexual. Likes men. let’s just say he has a heinie to diiiie for. SW “West Virgin- Likes having sex with men. Likes hav- Anyways, I absolutely lovvvveee your ing ridiculously wild sex with men over sweater! It is sooo precious! Where did ia taught me a and over again . . .” She tried to contin- you get it?!” This reporter stammered lot about my- ue but broke down, sobbing something out something about the Gap and Ste- along the lines of “why is he gay? I love phen nodded and coughed something self,” he says. him so much.” that sounded like the words “bargain “There were a And so, early one Sunday afternoon bin,” followed by further coughs sound- lot of doors to this humble Record reporter found him- ing a bit like “hobo,” “Liza Minnelli,” break down, self sitting at the local Starbucks with and “like, not precious at all.” seven of Stephen’s other closest female Our conversation progressed to a lot of girls friends, all awaiting a visit from this god what Stephen had been like growing up. to have sex among homosexuals. While we waited, It turns out he hadn’t always known he with. God, I this reporter overheard bits of conversa- would become the most marvelous gay tions, including something about a “Ste- man to ever walk the earth, but he had had sex with sneaking suspicions. Like so many girls. that time in first grade when I love having he was sent to the principal’s wonderful for my quads.” In fact, Skip office for commenting on sex with girls.” “Sex,” he adds, works out so much that he decided to how horrendous the teach- flipping his hands festively found the Yale Society of Men Working er’s outfit was and feigned and re-crossing his legs, “with Out Together last semester. The YSOM- WOT meets twice a week in the base- vomiting. Or when he saw girls.” Skip certainly seems sin- the principal’s outfit and ac- ment of the York St. Café. “Since work- tually vomited. Or the time cere. “Girls approach me all the ing out is such an expression of male he thought Ricky Martin was time,” he insists. “It’s just that I virility, I thought it was important for a group of guys to get together and have the most skilled singer of all have this girlfriend at Stanford. time, but realized it was be- sex with each other. It’s great for our abs, cause he was strangely at- We’re ‘In a relationship’ on the and it’s not like we orgasm. Ever. God, I tracted to his phenomenal f a c e - love banging chicks in the vagina.” booty shakin’. Or when he . matthew Asked about his name, Skip ex- b o o k . plains: “My roommates call me . . you get the idea – he was c o m . gay. bradley Skip because when I get really Meanwhile, some of the And even though excited I tend to skip. They’ve girls had crawled over to our she never comes got a few other nicknames for me, but ‘Skip’ is the one I prefer.” Skip’s table and were glancing up to visit, we most personable sheepishly at Stephen from relationship with his roommates is gen- beside his chair. Then, an- still have a Straight Guy erally ambiguous: “I mean, we watch a other flick of the hands, and lot ofMB phone lot of Sportscenter and sometimes we play beer pong together, but I’m more they were gone. sex, because I love having sex So what does it take to into the leave-at-seven-and-not-tell- get into the heart and mind with girls.” your-roommate-where-you’ll-be-all- of Stephen Walker? “Well Skip surely couldn’t be lying, since night-scene.” Skip’s parents don’t seem he has to dress well,” Ste- he’s always been a hit with the ladies at to understand him, either: “I come from phen Walker’s Closest Female Friends” phen exclaimed, the disgust evident on Yale. He spends most of his time with his a military family, and my Dad really facebook group, and a group plan to get his face, “you can’t look you like you girlfriends —“But they’re not like Play- wanted me to join the Air Force. Things “I heart Stephen Walker” lower-back tat- crawled straight from a Banana Repub- boy bunny girlfriends,” Skip reminds got tense. He doesn’t even know I go to toos. Suddenly, the table fell silent. We lic ad. I mean seriously, EW!” Asked if this reporter in between commercials Yale—he thinks I’m at Southern Meth- America’s Top Model knew he was a superb specimen of gay there was anything else, he added, “oh I on , “just like ‘you odist.” Despite his father, however, Skip man, but nothing could have prepared can’t believe I forgot, he has to have buns go, girlfriend,’ girlfriends. Remember, has no ambitions to join the military af- us for what came next. Stephen waltzed like a Pepperidge Farm package.” So, in I have a girlfriend at Stanford. Who I ter college: “Don’t ask me about it,” he in looking like a Versace model, but even closing, Stephen is, well, extremely gay. often have phone sex with.” When he’s says. “I don’t want to tell you anything.” more fabulous. Despite not even being A homosexual Liberace even. Wait, that alone, Skip likes to try on vests and go to He adds, “There’s nothing like licking a little gay, after just one glance this Re- Yale football games, where he’s memo- pussy, and then putting your penis in- might make him straight. He’s still ridic- O cord reporter almost covered everyone ulously gay though. O rized every cheerleading routine. side it.” WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 15 Between working on her senior inside her black Dior bag. “I Acela into don’t really give a shit aboot Daddy’s—I past—“I’ve moved on and oot,” she the city absolutely every weekend. You mean, about Daddy’s chances of retain- says—but we managed to discover that essay in American Studies, at- can’t go oot—out anywhere in New Ha- ing control of the Regina General As- this chic socialite grew up outside the tending her father’s guberna- ven: no shopping, no shows, no Special sembly.” Maybe we aren’t as chilled out tiny settlement of Moose Jaw. Cring- torial functions, and scoring K.” When we asked which ing, she admitted that she spent her eight balls, Lexi Meyer is one city Lexi was referring to, youth “running around in flannel shirts she replied, “Boston,” her and fur boots like a typical ugly Cana- busy member of the idle rich. voice dripping with sarcasm dian.” But she always dreamed of one Just chatting with the ravish- and loathing. Well Lexi, we day enjoying the decadent drug-filled ing First Daughter of Saskatch- might think you’re kind of a life of her neighbors south of the border. bitch, had we not been think- Her chance came when her father struck ewan over venti double-shot ing about how we’d like to it rich in the potash exporting boom of half-caff toffee-nut soy frap- Boston your tits. the early 90s and quickly moved into pucinos with low-fat whipped But Boston isn’t the Ottawa’s innermost circles. “Can we get only metropolis Ms. Meyer off this subject please?” Lexi asked with a cream made us exhaust- has been around—all completely forgivable impatience while ed. (We’d be even more around. We asked lighting a clove cigarette. “I’m no longer exhausted if we had just lexi Lexi what it’s like to Saskatchewanian. I’ve left behind zeds toffee-nutted a double- deal with the con- and loonies, eh? Oh, damn it!” stant pressure of As we lecherously watched Lexi’s shot all over Lexi’s . . . meyer being in the spot- Juicy-clad ass hurry off clutching a wad venti . . . soy. Yeah.) most personable light of the notori- of bills to meet “a friend on High Street,” Lexi is a very energeticLM ously vicious politics we were lost in thought about a) the hot- person, and she has the DADDY”S GIRL that divide Saska- ness of her ass, b) whether she might be wide eyes, nervous tics, GONE WILD toon. Shrugging, able to hook us up with some adderall. and slightly unhinged Ms. Meyer replied On second thought, however, Ms. Meyer laughter to prove it. With all that en- that she has had a few run- probably wouldn’t be able to take time ergy, Lexi can be a little uncomfortable ins with the law—“like just out of her busy gubernatorial-daughteri- in a sleepy rural backwater like New the other week at that rave al schedule to help out mere common- Haven. “New Haven is the ass crack in Billysburg”—and that having close as this comely Canadian, but we’d most ers like us—that is, unless we threatened of the universe. Well, New Haven and connections to the powerful Saskatch- certainly like to retain control of her Re- to reveal that she won second place in Saskatchewan,” she declared, return- ewan government has its advantages. gina. [Ha ha – come...ly.—Ed.] the 1994 Western Canada Bear Trapping ing her platinum AmEx card to its place As far as negative publicity, she said, “I Lexi is reluctant to talk about her Classic. O

To Bebe or not to went I would sing and dance, yelling at for me. I mean take one look at his oeu- the top of my lungs, forcing my brothers vre! I research for every role by watch- Bebe? With this and sisters to play supporting roles in ing his performance in Ace Ventura 2: Pet leading lady, there family films and life,” she said, who was Detective. The way he really explores the is but one option: talking and signing her headshots at the subtleties and nuances of what it’s like to to Bebe, Bebe, Bebe, same time. Looking down at her swift emerge naked from a mechanical rhino flourishes of the pen I noticed she was is exactly the way I want to perfect my all night long. This signing them Bebe Bolt, her stage name. craft.” Personally, this Record reporter Record reporter got When asked about the choice of new would love to get all up in Bebe’s nuanc- to spend one inter- faux last name, Bebe re- es, with his well-exercised craft, plied, “I chose Bolt because most personable if you know what I’m saying. mission with this I’m like a bolt of lightening. At Yale, Bebe is an active theatrical momma, I arrive in flash of light with LEADING member of the Dramat, the Dra- and it may have a large raucous to accompa-LADY ma Coalition, and has put on many ny my thunderous appear- one woman Sudler-funded been a quickie, but ance. I’m very dramatic in shows. “In every show, I in- he can guarantee it: every circumstance, and I bebe corporate crying somehow. spend one act with just cannot con- Being able to cry on Bebe and you’ll tain my talent, command is just such a try as I might.” lassapanakis sign of a great actor.” In find yourself so- In fact, her tal- one show, One Woman liloquizing all over ent is so big this reporter could not take One Hermaphrodite, Bebe gave an hour yourself. his eyes off her talent, try as he might, long monologue about what it’s like to which admittedly, wasBL not at all. have the option of swinging both ways. Hailing from Arca- dia, it wasn’t long be- Bebe’s mother dragged her out of She may be a drama queen, but who fore this California girl school at least three times a week to would Bebe like to see reigning in her the- decided that life in the show off her titillating monologues in atrical court as drama king? “Jim Carrey. suburbia wasn’t enough the city that calls itself home to the stars, I’m saving myself for him. I know when to contain a big person- Los Angeles. Not even seven years after he watches the moment when I freeze ality like hers. “I just venturing to numerous auditions, Bebe behind him after the set of his world is knew I was destined for landed the role of a lifetime as an extra revealed, he will know I’m the one.” This the big screen. I knew in The Truman Show. “The moment I was reporter may be no Liar Liar, but he sure because everywhere I cast, I knew this was my ticket to the big would love to find Bebe’s Eternal Sunshine time. Jim Carrey is just such an influence of the Spotless Mind. O 16 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ “All right, love?” The dulcet most personable Sipping a Everyone on campus will be stoked Yanks: he finds us “charming, if a bit over- CHAP Pimm’s and lem- to know that Bryce likes living with enthusiastic at times.” Pouring himself a tones of Bryce Weathers-Ash- onade, Bryce ex- cup of tea, he expressed his fondness plained why he had de- for “funneling a pint of lager,” which bryce cided to come to the States for college. is apparently an unknown practice in “Well, I had a bit of a cock-up on my backward England. “I do miss Eng- A-levels, so Magdalen lish telly, though,” Bryce said, taking and Hertford weren’t out Definitely Maybe from his ste- weathers-ashton exactly nutters over me, reo and putting in Absolution. “The were they? But Mum O.C. is well safe, but it can’t match had read for the D.Phil Coronation Street, d’you know what I at Yale, so it was a right piece of piss for mean?” BWAton’s accent caressed the ears of me to read here.” Whatever Bryce was In addition to having a gorgeous this Record reporter as she en- trying to say, this reporter agrees, be- accent and a drop-dead sexy tone of cause it sure sounded hella sweet. voice, Bryce is an all-around great tered this charming Brit’s room, Mr. Weathers-Ashton grew up guy. “Bryce is awesome,” gushed dominated by a large Union in south London and attended the Hank Washburn, business man- Jack on the far wall and Da- prestigious Harrow School, where ager for the Duke’s Men of Yale. “I he “just had a bit of a laugh, innit. I just love listening to his voice. It’s a vid Beckham posters scattered just couldn’t be arsed to do anything shame he can’t sing for shit, or we’d throughout. “I’m meant to go but muck about.” As Bryce slathered have tapped him.” Eleanor White, round to the ‘Y’DN offices at some Marmite on a piece of toast, he managing editor for the YD”N”, also half four,” Bryce said. “So let’s reminisced about “the loads of girls sang the praises of this dapper Eng- [he] had pulled whilst at school”—but lishman. “He’s a joy to have around. keep this short, shall we?” This don’t worry, ladies; this lovely limey He uses the cutest words, like ‘tosser’ reporter told him that anything is currently available and thinks and ‘minge.’ I don’t know what they he said, ever, would be a-okay. “American birds are well fit and prop- mean, but I love hearing them! And er tarts.” his columns are okay.” O

Jeff Marshall is one of those hasn’t yet hung him on her for the pre-pre-pre-SATS. But do losers ñoz Elementary School. Boo-ya! Here’s who get 750s on their PPPSATS get into guys who knows where he’s wall. Jeff’s ASL Extempore Debating Gold Ivy League schools? You bet your bippy Cup. Those deaf-mutes never heard it “No time for girls,” Jeff brusquely going and plans to get there— they don’t.” coming. Blue ribbon: Weehawken Hor- explains after Taiwan hangs up. “If Jeff fast. “Hi, Jeff Marshall, I’m Too busy concentrating on ticultural Society Marshall is going to get where he’s go- Jeff’s bippy to disagree, this Re- Floral Arrange- one of those guys who knows ing—fast—Jeff can’t have a little lady cord reporter could only gaze in jeffrey ment Invitational. wailing about anniversaries or child- where he’s going and plans to admiration at this man-god’s Fuckers couldn’t birth to slow him down. Didn’t have get there—fast,” this energetic sinewy if twitching frame. Jeff tell their chry- any friends in fourth through seventh marshall Dporter said in greeting, as he clearly had no time to waste s a n t h e - grades because I was too busy studying in con- most personable pumped my hand and ushered m u m s t e m p l aJM- OVER-OVER-ACHIEVER f r o m me into his suite. “Confer- tion of their aspi- ence call from Taiwan on line his aesthetic distras! Ha!” 2, hope you don’t mind wait- s p l e n d o r ; When not mastering esoteric subjects leaping out and entering obscure essay contests, Jeff ing.” As Jeff jabbered away in of his chair is a familiar sight hustling up Hillhouse Mandarin, this Record reporter he proceeded to the PoliSci building. Jeff’s combative scanned Jeff’s common room to give me a manner have landed him a few enemies, t w e n t y - m i n - but he shrugs it off: “Ian Shapiro once and marveled at the trophy- ute rundown tried to beat me to the water fountain, strewn mantle and certificates of his various but Jeff showed him the true meaning of plastering every available awards. “Kick- crime and punishment. By drowning his ball: Third surface. If Jeff is as “well-en- cat. Ha!” Grade: Jeff Despite his protestations, this hun- dowed” with other attributes had a 994% ky wunderkind can’t stay single forever. as he is with flimsy pieces of slugging per- Ladies, if you’re in the market for a hard- paper and ostentatious plastic centage and charging, take-no-prisoners, damn-the- the most inten- torpedoes bullet of a man, set your sights gewgaws, then one wonders tional walks in on Jeff Marshall. Next to Most Improved why some lucky young miss the history of and Good Sportsmanship, he’ll make Louis N. Mu- a fine trophy in anyone’s collection. O WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 17 his unmentionables to the mouth of some Ladies, if you’ve ever wanted Conference, it takes a nation of millions Chaim Weisenkrantz likes to to hold Chinua Achebe back. eager shiksa or, Yahweh willing, this re- to “unify a people in the face of But this (half) black-power-house think of himself the last remain- porter. Despite his sexual appetite, rogu- an overwhelming onslaught on is not just young and angry in theory. ing vanguard of the free Jewish ish good looks and casual disdain for the Chinua Achebe recently protested the state in a university adrift on a non-Hebrew speaking population of the their ‘Selves’”—but sexually— greater Middle East, however, Chaim re- under-representation of minorities in sea of namby-pamby humani- then now is your chance. Chi- the Yale Slavic Chorus, as well as led a mains devoted to his faith - a faith which nua Achebe successful boycott of the Class of 1935’s tarian guilt and liberal interna- he first discovered in high school. most personable 70th reunion for similar reasons. His tionalism. That, and hot. While “I set my cell phone to play Shalom Schwartzstein, Rav whenever one of my old buddies PUBLIC ENEMY or Chinua current plan is to end racial discrimina- we were skeptical at first, this tion on dining hall menus. “The serving from USY calls. As long as I live I’ll never of so-called hunky Hebrew refused to Jew forget the Birthright march, those Oneg Achebe Z, ‘ b l a c k down our expectations. After Shabbats, or fingering Brittney Rosen chinua achebe under the Sukkah behind the B’nai Yisra- as he beans’ is an spending just a few minutes anathema el Youth Center. Ta-sim l’olam, indeed.” prefers, schwartzstein to the Afrikan people. with Chaim, his obnoxious Lest you think that he is all chutzpah is the Yale is portraying blacks religious zeal and borderline and no walk, Chaim sponsors the an- as small and insignificant – ‘not worth nual Ramadan afternoon banquet for the kind of settlements, a fitting tes- half-black militant that you’d beans.’ In addition, the racist ‘black- CASened catfish’ implies that Afrikans are tament to the size of his love to create a “Pan-African the bottom feeding scavengers of soci- matzo balls. But ladies ety.” Yes ladies, this freedom fighter is take heed: you’re not go- state in the western hemi- ing to get porked by this sphere” with. one man who you’d love to have ride your “underground railroad.” Semite anytime soon. Mr. Z, who hails from the gated However, Chinua Achebe isn’t “When Chaim told community of Rolling Hills, Califor- only about sticking it to the Man (we me he was kosher on nia, where he was captain of the Palos can only wish that we were the ones the first day of school Verdes High equestrian team and an en- he was “sticking it to”); he also enjoys freshman year I thought thusiastic member of the school Quoits hanging out with his friends. “We’re it was pretty awesome, Club, fosters a broad range of interests a pretty diverse group,” says the pro- since I’d never really at Yale. An active member of Black Stu- vocative Panther, “some of us are from met a Jew before,” dents at Yale, the Yale African Students East Afrika, some from West, some of Chaim’s former room- Association, the African American Cul- us are Afrikan-American, and there mate Ken Lu told The tural Center, and the Black Solidarity are even a couple Record. “I told him it Nubians.” But vol- was cool, but it wasn’t untarily continu- long before he started ing the ugly legacy riding all of our asses of segregation isn’t about what we had ly- the only thing Chi- ing around the place. nua Achebe does About a week into Sep- in his downtime: tember, he blew up at he’s still an avid Mike for eating lo mein Quoits aficionado. in the common room. “My dad first took The following day he me after synagogue posted a list of 374 one Saturday, and foods that could not be ever since I’ve been brought into the suite. hooked. To me, the Who knew that Bundt leisurely hurling of cake is prohibited by the iron ring recalls Leviticus? Or that Easy the journey of my fanatical jingoism had this re- Mac needs to be circumcised before you ancestral brethren porter begging him to unleash can eat it. “ “My best friend from home is a across the Atlantic. a devastating tsunami of ejacu- Nkosi sikelel’ Afrika!” Red Sox fan and he’s got this roll of But is he sin- late all over her face. Yankees toilet paper. That’s how I got “Jewish homeland, baby,” he said, gle? Unfortunately inspired to produce these for the Yale downing an ounce of Kedem from a for all the ladies Destination: Israel banquet,” Chaim blue and white shot glass. At once it was out there, Chinua said, casually opening up a crate clear that the only Achebe is enslaved filled with 100 rolls of red, to his current girl- most personable chaim white, green and black two-ply. friend Tamiqua. ZIONIST “What’chu got, Mahmoud?” Well Tamiqua, One thing is clear, what we you’d better watch weisenkrantz got was a taste of zealous geo-reli- out, because we’re gious posturing from this sumptu- determined to ous friend of Israel. We promise be with Chinua that, within minutes of setting your Achebe “by any eyes on Chaim Weisenkrantz, you will right of return this curly haired demigod means necessary.” CWbe begging him to defend your territo- would be supporting would be that of O O rial integrity too. 18 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM With his bright eyes, ing from the program for months,” safely.” Rest assured, ladies – lamented coworker Kirsten Johnson sleek skin, and hu- chivalry hasn’t gone “extinct” BR 06. “But ’Tor – nothing gets him mongous … tail, this as long as this rapturous raptor down. He’s really been our rock in dino – known as “’Tor” is around. the midst of this crisis.” ’Tor’s generosity even extends to the Additionally, he’s all about pro- to his friends – puts dating scene. “Oh man,” said roommate tecting the environment, mainly by Bill Janke SY 07, “he’s the best wingman the “ass” in “Jurassic.” promoting resource conservation. ever. I swear, he totally goes right for But this Saybrook ju- “Sometimes when the dining hall is the fat chicks.” But don’t assume that serving chicken for the sixth meal in nior is far more than this stud can only catch the lame or sick; a row, I just can’t take it anymore,” just a pretty posterior; he’s actually a cold-blooded lady killer. noted suitemate Robbie Daniels SY “Sometimes, a dude will be chattin’ up he’s quite the humani- 07. “But ’Tor, he’ll clean his plate, my some girl,” observed friend Jeff Alexan- tarian. If there’s a Red plate, and the garbage can next to the der BK 08, “and ’Tor will just sneak in tray racks. ‘Waste not, want not’ is Cross blood drive on from the side and tear her heart away. really his mantra.” And he has girls in his room all the time, campus, you can be And there’s nothing that this Yalie night & day. He really knows how to sure to find him there, loves more than small children. Just make them the mention of babies full of lusty enthusi- scream.” With brings a gleam to his looks, smarts, asm. “Whenever a eye and a wide, Velociraptor and a killer donor gets really woo- toothy grin to his instinct, it’s face. In addition to zy,” said student coor- mongoliensis no surprise being a member of dinator Lisa Reims TD that plenty of Choose Life at Yale most personable girls want to 06, “ ’Tor follows ‘em (CLAY), ’Tor works for the Carnivore ride him ‘til he’s “saur.” He out the door. I guess Yale BabysittingVM Service. could certainly tear open this Re- He can often be seen run- he wants to make sure cord reporter’s abdominal cavity ning down the street with an infant and savagely devour her innards any that they get home clutched lovingly in his claws. “Kids day. O have been mysteriously disappear-

When one first steps into the tacular verse of “Old Man River” before When my mom died, it wasn’t the time to verse of “Swing Low Sweet Chariot,” we humble abode of Alexis Baker, we jumped in . . . with the questions, you break out into an out-of-tune rendition of got a chance to look closer at this Venus pervert. “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys!” of song’s hairdryer – it was fantastically Red Hot in Blue ’08, the first We started by asking how she first got We think there may be some tension red, blue, and turquoise. thing one thinks is not ‘divine involved with a cappella. She responded, here, but we’re not investigative report- After she finished all five verses songstress,’ but rather ‘ several “Ever since when I was three years old ers—we just write hilarious, but often of the song, we asked what every BP and my parents recorded me trying to wildly untrue, stuff for the Record—so we reader, male AND female, is dying to packrat hobos must live here.’ hit that high G for three hours, I’ve been went back to the bathroom. know: what it takes to get into her pants. Once one examines the into it!” Alexis then Walking back into the bathroom, “Lovvvinnngg the color blue is a must,” massive piles of crap demonstrated the high a wave of blue steam hit us in the face, Alexis said, “and he has to come to all of alexis G and shattered this Re- clearly the result of some specialty Red our performances, even the ones on the closer, however, one re- cord reporter’s glasses Hot in Blue Shampoo. At the end of a jazz road, and especially the jam. But that’s alizes that everything in in an almost orgasmic version of “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” we it!” So, you’ve heard it here first, loyal the room is some- baker explosion of sound. We then asked what she does for the group. “Oh, reader: if you just listen to some a cap- how related to most personable took five minute break for this what don’t I do?! I’ve always wanted to pella and go to a scant few concerts, you A Capellan reporter to find his contacts. Alexis be a Red Hottie and I do everything I can just might be able to “jam” delectable Red Hot in Blue, started alternating doing each of the for the group! Right now I’m the pitch, singing goddess Alexis Baker. Just don’t from a Red Hot in parts of a barbershop quartet while this but I used to be the biz and of course I bring anything that isn’t blue, red, or AB O Blue jam banner to Red Hot in reporter searched. was part of the shoe. I’m also the cookie turquoise with you. This reporter had left his bag in Alex- bitch – I get to make cookies every other Blue wallpaper to a Red Hot in is’ room, and so we decided to make sure day for rehearsals! – and Blue bra/panty set which this there were no more embarrassing under- designated face painter and modest Record reporter kindly garments lying out while we were there. the bearer of exalted glitter. When we arrived, however, there was Plus I – ” At this point in hid from view in his pocket. another girl in the room - Alexis’ suit- the interview Alexis broke Luckily, Alexis wasn’t even in the emate, Sarah. We started making awk- off mid-sentence and ex- room. In fact, she was showering—we ward small talk, and it eventually got to claimed, “God! Don’t you put it to you: can life be any better? When around to us saying, “I really love what just love my Red Hot hair we walked into the wonderfully co-ed you’ve done with this place!” Sarah in- dryer! I can’t even see it bathroom, we could hear the amazingly terjected, “LIES! It’s disgusting! I mean, right now because it’s on melodic tones of Alexis’ voice reverber- having a lot of Red and Blue in the room the counter next to you ating all over the shower stall like glori- would be tolerable, but turquoise?! She and I’m still in the shower, ous candy being stolen from a baby and just couldn’t figure out what color ‘Hot’ but just thinking about it could barely contain ourselves – there is! Plus, she sings at the most inappro- is breathtaking.” While was just so much mellifluousness in the priate times and isn’t even that good! she broke out into the first air. We waited for her to finish one spec- WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 19 Upon this Record in Modern Art,” hides her own young savants posited that de Koon- ing’s early works often have the threat reporter’s arrival trangressive sexiness behind of dirty sanchez lurking in the back- in her Ikea-laden owl-rimmed glasses, a flowing ground. What a precocious mixture of grad-ghetto apart- dress and a corduroy blazer, the profane and sacred!” ment, Sandy asked but if you ask this reporter’s Sandy does not reserve her praise just for well-prepared, ever-attentive what we should opinion, that only makes her section students; in her luscious gen- have to drink. sexier. And more trangressive. erosity, she lavishes praises on abso- “How about some Sandy has only been a TA for one lutely everybody, all the time. She told semester, but you’d never know it most personable this reporter “My tax hot coffee. It’s by her winning smile, encyclope- returns got audited re- fawning t.a. pretty cold out dic class notes and cently and – wouldn’t there,” this re- eager questions. you know it – I’d made a Students in her sandy small error on line C. It porter intoned in class report that was just incredible that his suavest voice. sometimes they an auditor could pick out Sandy replied, are so stunned by the bril- sherman such a small error! I wrote “Brilliant! Yes! Ex- liance of her questions that the IRS a personal note of they cannot even venture thanks for their undying actly! That’s such a an answer. Reports modern art connois- commitment to the pursuit of truth. It unique new angle seur and varsity lacrosse player William was a pleasure to pay the $100 fine in the on the whole cof- Mailer, “Sandy startsSS class with ques- service of actuarial excellence.” tions like ‘Now what do all of you think After our interview, Sandy pulled fee thing. Wow.” about modern art and its relationship to aside this Record reporter and asked in From that point on, heteronormativity?’ How are we sup- her sexiest nervous voice, “I did all right, she earned an “A” posed to answer questions like that?” didn’t I? I mean, I’m kind of new at this Sandy, though, has nothing but pride interview thing.” When this Record re- for her interview: for her students. “My charges are not porter awkwardly responded that, yeah, “A” for fucking afraid to take long moments of silence to she did fine, this isn’t really the kind of hot! Sherman, a TA contemplate the complex questions that interview one can screw up, Sandy re- for the wildly pop- arise in the burgeoning field of modern plied, “You’re so right! Yeah!” Wow, sex art. And when they do speak, they Sandy, with a TA as accommodating as ular class “Trans- often have such innovative, outside-the- you we wouldn’t even have to pleasure gressive Sex Acts box comments. For instance, one of my you to earn a passing grade! O

What do you get when you born to engage in painstaking, With his cross Antonio Banderas with suave demeanor, yet futile, translations of archa- lush chest hair, another even sexier Antonio ic manuscripts!” Ay caramba, and vast knowl- Banderas? No, the answer isn’t Philippe, you’re making this edge of infini- “Antonio Banderas squared” reporter’s “genitives” quiver tives, it’s hard to imagine a woman – it’s Philippe Del Rodriguez. with “desirum”! who wouldn’t But despite the image of a spicy But Philippe’s interest in Latin isn’t want to “re-grout night on the Ibiza beach that he only confined to the language. According the aqueduct” to his roommate Matt, Philippe recently with Phillipe. But conjures, this Don Juan is no remodeled their suite using first century unfortunately for ordinary Latin Lover – he just Corinthian columns and Etruscan arch- the more hav- Loves Latin. es. He even went so far as to transform ing-a-vagina-in- their previously drab common room To Philippe, Latin is a spiri- clined among us, into a fully functional Roman bath. Says Philippe has high tual lust; he lives with a pri- Matt, “At first it was a little odd. Hav- standards: “She’s mal zest for declensions and ing him in there. Bathing. Naked. Next got to have a great to my desk in the common room. But conjugations. “I can feel it in bust,” he says, that’s how his culture “Marble, that is. my blood!” he says is, I guess – they’re just She’s also got to passionately, “It philippe more open with their be a Republican is—how you say— s e x u a l - – I wouldn’t want ity. The plerusque ipsemet del rodriguez any supporters of o n l y tyrants like Cae- animus! Latin may be most personable problem sar. And she abso- dead in the world, but it latin lover I have lutely has to call PDRwith it is the whole me ‘Pater’ when is alive in my soul! Ever since I ‘public’ nature of the we screw.” Oley first read Cicero’s Post Reditum Roman baths. You wouldn’t believe the Philippe! You’re anything you say, you spicy Spaniard, kinds of people we get in here. Ugh... will lead to this reporter’s pants! Toro! in Senatu, I knew that I was making this reporter’s heart race like a O grad students.” chariot! Just as all roads lead to Rome, 20 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM mine,” Alex says. “Sort of like those A- And although rumors say he’s dating Cappella guys who take a year off to go a sophomore in TD, Alex says he’s still on tour, except I got a job at the Admis- available, and looking. On weekends, sions Office and go to Toad’s a lot.” Alex you can probably find him at Toad’s, is currently Yale’s recruitment officer for SAE, DKE, Rudy’s, or the L-Dub court- Akron, Ohio. “I’m very dedicated to my yard. He’ll be wearing his favorite yel- job. It’s my duty to introduce these kids low-and-white Yale trucker hat. “That’s to the whole Yale experience, so I’m al- my going-out hat. It says ‘Yale College’ ways happy to offer my apartment as a in big blue letters, just so people know place to stay when they visit. That’s how I’m an undergrad and not a grad fellow, I met my last girlfriend, actually. But or someone’s father. I mean, I have the she’s graduated by now.” same right to be there as anyone else. It’s Just because he’s only-kind-of a stu- just that I’m more mature, and lonelier. dent doesn’t stop Alex from leading a And balder.” normal student life. Alex serves as the Surprisingly, Alex doesn’t have any captain of the Jonathan Edwards IM co- plans for the future. Or the next day. ed football team, board-member of the “Hey, what are you doing Friday night,” Yale Women’s Center, and a dancer in he asked this reporter at the end of our Rhythmic Blue. In his idle time, he does interview. “Do you want to hand out free-lance work as a tour free beer on Old Cam- guide. “I just really love pus with me?” Yale,” he says. “And I alexander “No,” this report- want to give something er replied. back to it. I’m always willing to romig “What if we You’ve probably seen Alexan- porter’s entryway (just standing buy liquor for freshman, and dressed in bulldog der Romig around campus. This I’ll give anyone a ride to the most personable costumes and went to there, doing nothing). His pierc- airport. It’s all about giving. cheer on the womens volley- reporter immediately recog- ing gaze, slightly-overweight And liquor, and car rides.” “you’re still ball team?” nized him as the slightly-older- If Alex had friends,AR theyaround?” “No,” this reporter replied build, and rugged, age-worn but-still-young-looking-I-guess would probably describe him as again. “I’ve got to go meet with features were unmistakable. “people person,” or maybe just a “fresh- my T.A.” guy often lurking at Au Bon Alex, who likes to consider himself a man-girls person,” since he loves meet- “That’s cool, I guess. See you “super-super-senior,” has been enrolled Pain, the Yale Bookstore, Toad’s, ing freshman girls. “They’re the friend- around!” he said. as an undergraduate on-and-off since liest,” he insists. “They really make me Yes, Alex. See you tomorrow, and to- WLH, Commons, DUH, the top 1996. “I’ve been taking some time to feel young again. I mean young, still.” night, and later again this afternoon. O of Harkness Tower, and this re- follow some extracurricular interests of

When Russ Murkowski was hole-ridden pockets; what ir- ally good at stuff, and ev- twenty-five minutes late to eryone liked me. Now I sit resistible dynamism there is in my room most of the time meet this Record reporter in the in the capless pen shoved be- just hitting the ‘Get Mail’ Pierson dining hall, her first in- hind that lopsided ear. “I lost button over and over again stinct was to get up and leave. my ID,” he said. This Record and listening to that little ‘shwing’ noise my com- She started to…which was reporter nearly vomited with puter makes when I don’t when she found him outside attraction. have any new messages. the entryway door, hair dishev- When this reporter had recovered When it says I have a new eled and shoes mismatched, enough to swipe Russ into the dining one coming I get so excited, hall—and never has a bursar dollar been even when it’s just spam. grinning a three-watt grin that better spent—he asked where we should Anything but that shwing penetrated the depths of her sit. Trying not to squeak with nervous noise. Shwing…shwing… very soul, paralyzing her with fright, this reporter told him anywhere shwing. What were we talk- he wanted (meaning, literally, anywhere ing about? Who the fuck are an intense urge to have sexual he wanted, any thing he wanted, any you? I just don’t know any- intercourse with him, then and time he wanted). He promptly moaned more.” there, right in the middle of “Oh, God,” sank slowly to the floor, What Russ doesn’t and whispered “I can’t…I know, I don’t know, but I the courtyard. What can’t…I just can’t.” know that I know this: Russ roguish charm there russ So how did Russ become is a complete mess, and I’ve is in an un- so shockingly, violently, never wanted to rip my shaven, un- multiple-body-thrash- clothes off and rub my na- murkowsky ing-orgasm-induc- ked body against a dining showered most personable ingly inept? Not hall worker more than when body; what shit-show surprisingly, he has he admitted that he hadn’t this reporter is so horny she might hump RMno idea. “I don’t know done laundry in three months because her Yale-issued filing cabinet just think- explosive what happened to me,” he can’t operate a washing machine. Just ing about it. intelligence emanates from Russ whimpered. “In high school I was imagine: all that Russ-ness baked into Or she might send Russ an email those hands shoved in empty, such a cool guy…I was really smart, re- each and every delicious garment, with- with a naked picture of herself. Shuh- O out the taint of Tide or the grip of Gain… wing. WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 21 this schoolgirl uses her discipline to The first time Record ever saw tempting to ring up a small chai latte and Yam-Yam Sam is like a ray of sun- a blueberry scone. “How do you people break College Boards® in the academ- Windy Macmillan, it was at shine. A ray of rising sunshine. ic arena: Yam-Yam, a math and science sleep at night with all the problems in Yes boys, this giggly, perky, stu- person, plans to attend a prestigious the freshman activities bazaar. the world today? We need to stand up dious, 6’10” Asian is the med-school. “First of all,” Through a girl of your most stereo- most personable she throatily chirps while pearly-white asian stereotype changing the over- typical dreams. head light-bulb smile and Like all persons of without a stool, i n n u m e r - her ethnic persuasion, yam-yam “I’m only dressed able wittily- this Far Eastern enchant- like a schoolgirl in phrased po- ress began playing the the sense that I’m violin and the piano at a sam going to school, and am a girl; litical slogan young age. “Actually, it was because I’m dressed like every buttons, she the bagpipes,” says Yam- other female here. Additionally, had managed Yam, bouncily ducking the door lin- I’m an English major. The only kind of tel on the way into her YSroom, “and I to get us to doctor I’m becoming is a doctor of phi- just picked it up last year.” Well we’re losophy.” Well Yam-Yam, if by “want sign up for not so sure about that, Yam-Yam, but to become a doctor of philosophy” over three- we’ve got a “bag and a pipe” for you you mean, “will let us stick it in your to pick up right here, you sassy samu- butt”, then we couldn’t agree more. dozen mailing rai. But unfortunately for us, and lists for on- In addition to her musical prow- for all guys out there, Yam-Yam, like campus ac- ess, Yam-Yam is fluent in an Asian every other pert Asian girl, is dating tivist groups, language – Russian. She’s also an ex- a white guy. “You mean a White guy,” pert in the martial arts. “That’s marital she teases, “my boyfriend is named none of arts,” giggles the towering geisha in Sean White. He’s black.” which we’ve her bubbly baritone, “I design wed- So what does this Great Wall of ever attended ding cakes and bouquets.” Hee-yah! a woman do when she’s not studying, But this bouquet black belt doesn’t practicing, or buying size 16 shoes? If or thought only excel in the marital arts; if you the pictures in her room are any indi- about. It was couldn’t tell by how she’s dressed, cation, she loves a good game of ten- love at first nis. And if the throbbing back- sight. So this report- beat pulsating er was nervous (and that’s not all when he called that’s throbbing Windy to try to and pulsating) schedule a quick throughout her interview into her suite means any- tight, tight sched- thing, she’s an ule (something the avid techno fan. Record knows a thing or two about)…but “Do you mean and fight back against injustice, to give she im- this picture?” the unspoken victims of today’s society mediate- she asks, her windy a voice with which to cry out against ly put me meaty hands vi- the evil machine of at ease. vaciously palm- free-market capital- “Well, I’m going to be macmillan ing the picture ism! We need com- leading a sit-in at Kof- frame, “That’s post heaps in every fee Too to pro- a lacrosse stick. room of every house test their lack most personable And the techno is and gay couples on of fair-trade coming from my bleeding heart every corner! We need a President of the products from white suitemate’s WMUnited States with no artificial preserva- 4 to 5 tomorrow,” she told me briskly, room. You know tives! Only when sweat-shops have been the sound of justice ringing in her voice. what? That’s it. made free of nuclear materials and legal, “Let’s do it then.” Let’s do it, indeed. Get the hell out restricted use of acid rain is approved in When we arrived on the scene, pen of here, you rac- all fifty states will we be able to live the in hand (awww, yeah) we found Windy ist asshole!” dream of a free, democratic society!” all ready to go: she had duct-taped her- And as Despite our inability to buy any self to the cash register. How did she the door slams coffee—Windy threatened to kick us know that’s how we liked it? We didn’t behind us like repeatedly in the genitals if we even ask questions, we just…well, asked fireworks on Chi- looked at the menu—this reporter questions. nese New Year, would take any future excuse to spend It turns out Windy isn’t interested in we’re sure: it’s a minute or two making her aware of having sex with us…but not for the rea- love. Yam-Yam, how progressive my genitals felt to- sons we thought. “How can you engage you’ve taken the wards her. Hey, it may not be politically in sexual contact when there are children Oriental Express, correct to say so…but who cares about without genitals in Bangladesh?” she straight to our politics except her? Record certainly wailed, kicking away an employee at- O heart. O doesn’t. 22 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM

Yumiko Cameron’s real first This sultry pseudo-Asian makes prevalence of foam at the FDA. “I’m her! name is Lucy, but you wouldn’t her presence felt at meetings of the not going to lie,” she says, “I sent a Yumiko is quite the busy samurai: Freestyle Dueling Association (FDA). few people to DUH or Grove St. Cem- when not attending classes or partici- know it from looking at her ex- A fully trained samurai warrioress, etery with my finely crafted sai and pating in extracurriculars, Yumiko finds tensive anime collection, her she was at first taken aback by the ninja throwing stars. Oh, we had time for cram school. “There is so much authentic samurai sword, some good laughs about that to learn about Japanese Literature af- or her penchant for taking mix-up!” Don’t worry, Yu- ter 1970 that I just can’t get from Sensei miko, we have our own samurai Treat’s class. Several hours of non-Yale existing things and making sword with which we’d like to class is really the only practical solu- them sleeker and more effi- disembowel you! tion.” cient. When not battling the pink Yumiko is also a master of Japanese Yumiko explains, “My mother calligraphy. She often is a world-class potato peeler, and uses fountain pens and after many years of free-lancing, lucy “yumiko” long scrolls to take class she was recruited for the special notes. Sure, we like to armed cutlery division of the army. draw some elegant, de- r o b o t s , So, I’ve moved around a lot, but I cameron ceptively simple characters on Yu- Yu m i k o spent all my middle school years at most personable miko with our pen...PEN15! enjoys at- an international school in Tokyo. I For those gentlemen looking taining nir- warrioress emerged from that experience feel- LYCto show this Asian-at-heart their ohm vana, which ing more Japanese – spiritually, face, not so fast! Yumiko is presently she does between 9.30 and 11.30 emotionally, grammatically, even involved with Hirotaka “Johnny” Ka- every Wednesday. She is also genetically.” zahaya. Comments Kazahaya, “I love on a new Zen dieting routine, When this Record reporter first America and apple pie!” which emphasizes the oneness arrived at Yumiko’s sparsely ap- After our tea ceremony, Yumiko of food and self. “Like, you pointed apartment on the crowded cried out “Oh no! I forgot to serve know, life at Yale is so hectic. 51st floor, the kimono-clad Yumiko the usucha after the koicha. I have Sometimes I just need some was quick to giggle politely and of- dishonored the Cameron clan!” She one-on-one time with my cos- fer a cup of green tea. Yes, this Re- immediately drew her sword and cut mic chi,” Yumiko sighs tran- cord reporter would love to get at herself across the stomach. This Re- scendently. Yeah, we’d sure her “tea-spot”! cord reporter was extremely honored like to get an “inner peace” of to lop off Yumiko’s head. O

While trying to find contact in- that! If you did what you did in my ing once the U.S.S.R. formation for the most person- country, you’d get your balls cut off.” broke up and he Indeed, in his teens, old Zhiri- hired assassins to able, yet exclusive internation- novsky’s competitors threatened Pe- shoot those bastards al student at Yale, this Record trushka’s life and since then Petrushka down.” reporter realized that Petrush- has gone to school in the States, getting At Yale, Zhiri- kicked out of Lawrenceville prep school novsky has majored ka Zhirinovsky’s off-campus for threatening a fellow student with a in political science, whereabouts at xx N____ St. knife. “That bitch told me Kyrgyzstan taking all classes have been classified for a reason sucks at life,” Petrushka remembers, “so with “war” and – a person has to lay low when I tried to make his face suck at life.” Zhiri- “conflict” in the ti- novsky still made it to Yale despite that tle, and was even a his father is Kyrgyzstan’s most incident due to his athletic excellence in member of SOMA powerful warlord/oil tycoon. lightweight crew. “I quit crew when I (Society of Midnight However, thanks to a stack of got here because I don’t need crew to get Athletes). However, a degree from Yale,” laughs Zhirinovsky after freshman year, discarded English 114 compo- while picking his foot and inhaling from Petrushka was dis- sitions outside Branford Col- the hoo- satisfied lege writing tutor’s office, the kah. w i t h Zhiri- petrushka Yale egalitarianism and with ues, Zhirinovsky spends plenty of time location of Petrushka’s cache novsky re- the “SOMA idiots.” Taking on central campus, mainly lifting weights and his pedestrian writing style calls how a year off to clear his mind in Payne Whitney and flirting with wom- have been discovered. his father’s petrovich sailing on the Mediterra- en. “When your father’s nickname is the Though most Yale students know a m i c a b l e nean, Petrushka moved ‘ugly czar’ you have to attract women by Petrushka as that guy making girls nature had into his North Haven being muscular and I’m the meatiest in- giggle with his Borat-like accent at SAE a great influencePZ zhirinovsky dig sophomore year ternational student here.” Frat brothers and SigEp parties, only few people have on his own per- and has hosted Yale’s especially love Zhirinovsky’s proclivity been visitors to Zhirinovsky’s five-room sonality. “When most personable most affluent students to beat down homeless New Haveners my father was a Soviet to dollar-bill smokefests. “I love as because, as Petrushka puts it “when apartment, which features a six-foot-tall stupendously bureaucrat, he smuggled seeing the way rich kids behave you’re a foreigner, they let you do things hookah, two king-size beds, a mahogany rich foreigner kitchen, a balcony, and skylights. “Don’t many illicit import goods, when they’re chilling with me and like that.” In the future, Perushka looks tell anybody about my apartment,” Pe- and when party bosses they’re not being phony. We make forward to being an oil company vice- trushka tells me after welcoming me and would come to our apartment to deal, fun of financial aid kids when we’re president and to cutting off body parts O sitting down next to his ganja. “Do you he’d give them service with a smile,” re- stoned.” of non-American journalists. stupid American journalist understand calls Petrushka. “But, he was really smil- Despite his disregard for Yale’s val- WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 23 his back against a rough Cylindrical Jones just may be object and howling like a more information,” he says coyly. Tou- coyote at the moon. When the hottest piece of metal, cork- ché, Cyl. When we asked whether or not asked about his life adven- board and wood to hit the pag- he’d like it if we called him ‘Cyl’, he re- tures and traveling with es of the 50 Most Personable. plied, “YES wants you.” Well Cyl, we’d music legends, Jelly Roll like to “haves sex” you so much that Morton, Fats Waller, Mor- Tall, dark, and definitely hand- we’re willing to forgive your syntax. bidly Obese Jackson, and some, Cylindrical has been a But it’s not just his syntax that’s queer, Radiating Pain to the Left campus fixture since the days lucking for those liberal minded among you, Cylindrical decided long ago that Arm Jones, Walcott replied, of yore. What keeps him stand- “You gotta feel the blues he would service women, men, and any- in your bones to send it ing rain, shine, or snow? Let’s thing and everything in between. through the instrument.” It just say that he’s got the type Cyl is generally an optimist, but sometimes he deals with pretty heavy- is a rhetorical conundrum of stamina that keeps him erect indeed!” Later, Walcott handed subjects. When asked what his commented that, “heck, all all night long. most prominent cause is, Cyl shows music is folk music. You Cylindrical is an upstanding mem- a picture of a fetus, and says, “At 8 ever heard of horses sing- ber of weeks, Jeremy’s heart starts beat- ing?” At the end of the day, the Yale cylindrical ing.” Looks like Mr. Jones has a this Record reporter would c o m - soft side after all. But if it were up sure love to seed this Mel- munity. to this Record staffer, she and Mr. on’s melon. Like any ideal jones Jones would get around to discover- Yale stu- Currently Melon Joe most personable ing his hard side. Walcott is very sexy and dent, he But what type of person could possi- very single. He also is very is well KIOSK bly keep up with Cylindrical’s wide and senile and very unsanitary. rounded, CJ firmly g r o u n d e d , ever expanding array of interests? Cy- In fact, the Record did some and not afraid to be in the public eye. lindrical is no choosy bachelor. Luckily heavy research and dis- “Public Debate Tonight!” he frequent- covered that Melon’s last ly announces with en- shower actually coincided thusiasm. If there’s with the last appearance of one thing he does not Haley’s comet. But hey, you like, it’s discrimination don’t need to not smell like or intolerance of any raw sewage to have a great kind. Cylindrical has personality right? Walcott’s favorite had close contact with Walking down Elm Street, one television show is “whatever happens to every political party can always distinctly identify be playing on that display TV on Chapel from the Independent Street.” He is currently enrolled in the Party, the Conserva- the grizzly gray shaggy beard, tive Party, to the Yale the wide mouth filled with the 60 year music program and hopes to one day start a band with the Flintstones. College Democrats. He occasional tooth, and the acous- This reporter did not have the heart to is also multi-ethnic and tic guitar always strapped to remind him that the Flintstones are in- religious. Good news for this Record report- Melon Joe Walcott. Although deed fictitious and that that was prob- ably just the liver medicine talking. But er, who likes ‘em with this fellow may Melon’s true a bit of an exotic spice seem to be your run strengths lie mixed in with an all American ‘tude. of the mill vagrant, “melon” joe in his guitar playing. The Cylindrical is affili- the Record recog- way his heavily ated with almost every nizes true talent when we see walcott arthritic fingers student agency, organi- it. A bayou blues musician- most personable dance about zation, institution and MJWthe frets is sure performing arts group turned-Yale student, Walcott, super senior citizen to amaze on campus. He’s in- 70, is still going strong, taking a n y volved with fourteen A courses such as “Advanced In- viewer and is sure to elicit the emotive Cappella groups, eight comedy groups, three troduction to the Blues,” “How pathos from any audience. This Record reporter would sure love Melon to pluck drama productions, tu- to incorporate the Blues in Ev- his strings. toring both kids with eryday Conversation,” and Overall, Walcott has a winning aged learning disabilities and those without, and “Welfare, Harmonicas, Prison personality. He has a unique perspec- tive on music and “staying away from is constantly helping Oh My!” the aliens.” He always has fascinating to promote talks and But the ravages of age have not dev- wisdom to share and can still pluck his lectures of every kind. astated Melon too much. “I still don’t old guitar, which he affectionately calls You could say that Cy- for you ladies and gents, there’s a high need Depends,” Walcott proudly boasts, “my guitar.” So the next time you see lindrical Jones is a jack-of-all-trades, chance of finding at least three or four “Ahhh; get these snakes outta my skin.” old Melon Joe Walcott strumming away and believe us, we’d sure like to jack things in common with Mr. Jones. After Walcott’s amazing Super Senior per- and singing his blues, give a tip of your each and every one of his trades. all, he’s willing to be nailed any time of sonality impressed this Record reporter hat and a click of your heels because you So what are Cylindrical’s biggest day as long as a flyer can join for a three- to no end. Midway through conversa- O never know when he just might stab passions? “Email [email protected] for some. tion, Walcott suddenly began scratching you. O 24 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM If you’re a soulless, mainstream like them that much. I just listened them his face. because I knew one day I’d be able to In a sunny corner of Calhoun Yale tool, chances are you’ve offer an intelligent explanation for why Not disturbed by this Record report- never heard of Lavender Pol- they and their listeners suck.” Before library’s Whitridge Study er’s ill ease in his presence, Webber talks let. You’ve probably never seen Lavender ashes into this Record staffers room lounges the famous about how he donated his nana’s Ford Windstar, which he drove from Tennes- her torn jeans with the Oscar heart, he’d like to confess that he’d like ’Houn Hoodboss, Chris Web- to be the first to discover Miss Pollet… see to Yale freshman year, to Calhoun to Wilde quotes painted onto in bed. ber, who made this Record re- be used as an IMs shuttle. “I can’t drive them, or witnessed her pen- When asked about her favorite porter swear al- the car myself most of bands, Lavender points to her posters of legiance to the time because I’m chant for dropping Kafka into working as a Master’s Britney Spears and a band called Sujfcui, the Calhoun chris every section discussion. Most a progressive-folk-trans-metal-pop band aide, putting likely, you’ve never even come from Sweden. “I listen to Britney Spears F i g h t i n g up posters and near enough to her to experi- ironically. Just like I wear Urban Outfit- Kelp, err, the webber cleaning the ters shirts, watch The O.C., and know all most personable student kitch- ence her refusal to acknowl- Calhoun In- en,” explains the lyrics in B. Spears’ ouvre ironically. RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE BOOSTER edge your presence. In fact, Did I mention my ironic subscription to ferno, before Webber. Be- Lavender Pollet only steps foot US Weekly?” Lavender, have we men- beginning this cause Yale Uni- tioned the ironic erection you’ve given interview. “As I versity only allows 19 hours of wage on campus to attend classes, as CWwork per week, Webber volunteers an us? A founding told you in my e-mail, I want additional 10 hours a week, delivering member of the to make sure that you will not, edibles to the buttery and negotiating t- magazine mus- ever, put down Calhoun Col- shirt deals with “those bastards at Cam- pus Customs.” kethurler., Laven- lege,” says Webber as he takes der makes it her So what does the most personable business to know off his residential college scarf. Calhoun leader do on weekends when what’s “in.” “The Indeed, in a typical week, he the senior administrative assistant is not around? “I witness Calhoun parties and best music right sends out at least 10 notifi- now is really un- Bingham parties, and also make sure derground. You cations concerning Calhoun that Mathematica works on all comput- wouldn’t know business to the entire college. ers in our cluster,” Webber says. any of the names, “I’ve learned that the best way If Webber’s having a particularly even if I told you, good night, he’s probably getting lucky which I won’t, be- to keep up college spirit is to with his favorite type of lady – an inse- cause that would send enthusiastic e-mails at cure Calhoun freshman. With a drink wipe out my indie least twice a day, e-mails which cabinet stock full of sprite and grain alcohol and several Calhoun related cred if more people always end with ‘Yay!’ or ‘(8- than just the staff pick-up lines at his disposble (exam- of muskethurler. )]’,” Webber have heard of these says while bands.” Lavender is also not-shockingly stroking his she lives off campus, parties a member of Control Group, Yale’s off campus, and most personable experimental theater troupe. When “Houn is on hates-how-bour- HIPSTER asked about this activity, Laven- fire” sweat- geois-Yale-is off der replies, “I can’t pants. “And reveal much about now that I campus. But get to lavender our next project ex- know Lavender, cept that it involves use Eudora and you’ll soon vampire teeth, fake as my pre- pollet blood, a certain Radiohead song, real ferred e-mail want to dig be- blood, and Vicodin.” neath her layers of Luckily for you, Record reader, client, I get necklaces and t-shirts to get to Lavender is on the look out for a Len- to send even LPnon to her Ono. Asked about past loves, sexier e-mails the bottom of her “post-mod- Lavender reveals, “I like performance ern condition.” artists who cut themselves. I don’t look in fonts like Like all true hipsters, Lavender re- for this actively, but that’s usually the Tacoma and ples include “haven’t I seen you at the fuses to be acknowledged as such. For- type of guy I end up with.” So get busy Garamond.” SAC meaning,” and “I was a shoe-in for freshman counselor, but everyone get her Chuck Taylors, bangs, and exten- slitting your wrists, because Lavender Besides flexing his college council figured the freshmen would be too into sive collection of vintage slip dresses, “I Pollet would love to sit at the bottom of president biceps by keeping everyone in me” and “I think your hot ass, your hot am not a hipster. I do not have a label,” an eternal abyss with you by her side. Calhoun informed about master’s teas ass, your hot ass is on fire”), this is one she announces while ashing her cigarette And now if you’ll excuse him, being using illegal panlists, Webber has kept guy who is always happy to make new into an ashtray she has fashioned out of with Lavender has made this reporter the Calhoun intramural machine roll- ‘Hounies feel right at home in their col- any empty CD case. “Thanks to The O.C. want to go masturbate...with irony, and ing through seven semesters at Yale. “It lege – particularly in his room, after a the indie scene has become mainstream. maybe a little counter-cultural loathing. may be hard to believe, but I play 18 IMs few drinks. All we can say is that is that I’ll have you know that I was so over that God, Lavender, you make us so horny for Calhoun and also order the t-shirts this Record reporter hope he takes time whole fad before it made it big. I listened that even though it’s a cliché we’ll stick for all the freshmen, so that they are ac- off from sketchy predation and makes to Elliott Smith in the eighth grade, and with it for the sake of hypocrisy because countable to earn those shirts by coming some room for intramural fucking the liked Death Cab for Cutie before they being a hypocrite is ironic. And ‘cause to the games,” Webber ejaculates as he O shit out of me. O became total sellouts. Even then I didn’t you’re fuckin’ hot. strokes a water-based Calhoun tattoo on WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 25 If you’ve been looking for a earlier. What the fuck.” Some people take a locked Aaron responded. “We took the hang- In addition to taking seven classes er off the door because we didn’t want special lady to “play doctor” and two labs, Devon is an active con- door and lack of response to y– , um, any of our stuff to get stolen. with, Devon Peters might just tributor to the Yale Magazine of Stren- persistent knocking as a sign Oh, wait a minute, someone just texted be your match. If this pre-med uous Scientific Research. “It’s so much that they are not wanted, but me, I gotta go.” Aaron than sprinted D-Porter ever has free time, work! Sometimes it feels like I’m pub- at top speed down the stairs and out lishing the magazine all by myself,” not Brad Wayland. “If I knock the door, where he hid in some bushes that is. “I get up every day at she exclaimed. “I swear, if I weren’t loudly enough, someone usu- until Brad left forty minutes later. 6:00 A.M. – even on weekends,” constantly telling people what they ally comes to the door. If not, “Yeah, great guy,” said Brad, “And she said. “And then I don’t get need to be doing and then telling them I can always just wait around that reminds me of how I spent my that they’re not doing it well, nothing last five hours. So first, I went to to bed until 4:00 A.M. every would ever get done.” until someone has to leave to breakfast and they didn’t have any night. Otherwise I’d get behind If you’d like to give Devon a full- go to class.” “Actually, it’s Sun- bowls left so I had to go behind the on my reading!” body physical, you should know day,” said this Record reporter. counter. I tried to say hey to all my most personable that she’s looking for an intelli- home boys working in the kitchen, but If you’d like to study “That’s okay,” said Brad, “I Devon’s biology, constant complainer gent, mature man everyone seemed to be on break. So I you can find her – the kind who brought a blanket in the front of the devon likes to listen. “I don’t and some jerky. classroom. “Man, think I’ll find a boyfriend Besides, accord- those freshman until after I graduate,” pre-meds have no idea peters she said, rolling her eyes. “All ing to the face- how to arrange seat- the guys here are soooo imma- book.com, Rachel ing,” she whined, flailing her arms. ture! I swear, none of them take Davis, who lives their studies seriously.” “Normally I show up 25 minutes be- here, is taking Bio fore class, and theyDP think they can just Still wondering if you can get an grab my seat when I’m in the bath- “A” in Sexual Chemistry? Make sure 160, and that has room. Today, I was in front row center you’re punctual. “I hate how every a review session one around here is always late – even until I got up to get a drink of water today, so she’ll and lost it. Then later, I made a hot the professors!” she exclaimed. “One pocket, and the cheese was molten hot week my chem professor didn’t up- probably be back and the pepperoni was ice-cold. God, load the next problem set on-time. I soon.” life is so hard!” immediately e-mailed him about it, When Brad is Devon is quite popular with her but he didn’t reply. He uploaded the not hovering out- other classmates, a fact which bothers new problem set a couple hours later, side dorm rooms or her immensely. “Oh god,” she sighed, but it had already totally messed up leaning on entryway “everyone is always trying to get me to my reading schedule! Life sucks. I doors, he works as a be their ‘study buddy.’ I hate working wish I were Sudanese.” dining hall manager. with people, though – when I make a Devon Peters really has it all; with Speaking of his glam- 67-page-long study guide, it’s for my a sharp mind and tongue, a more en- orous job, Brad com- benefit, not theirs! It’s like if you’re ticing whiny pre-med simply can’t be mented, “It’s a great chance to see all was like ‘sup’ and they all were like, brilliant and everything comes easy found on campus. This Record reporter my friends, classmates, fans and well- ‘oh, hey Brad,’ and then I was like sure would like to proctor her exam. ‘hey, if you could be one James Bond to you, your supposed to help others O wishers. For some reason, I occasion- or something. Also, I stubbed my toe Just so long as it’s not oral. ally have a hard time getting in touch villain besides Dr. No, who would it with them – bad cell phone connec- be. I would definitely be Jaws, the tions, I think – but everyone’s gotta one from The Spy Who Loved Me, and eat, right?” Damn straight; this Record Moonraker. Now, I know that techni- reporter would love a piece of Brad’s cally Jaws was a henchman and not a Grade-D meat. villain, but he was in two movies so it This Record reporter interviewed evens, out right and they were like...” Unfortunately, this Record re- Brad in the fifth-floor most personable suite where his “best porter could not hear the end hanger on buds” live. “Yeah, it’s of this story because her cool, this place is like Econ professor called to my second home,” Brad tell her about emergency said as the occupants brad office hours that she had of the suite stealthily to get to right crept out their common room win- now. dow and climbed down the adjacent wyland When this Re- drainpipe. “You know, I got a lot cord reporter re- of people who claim to be my friends, turned home after an exhausting day of but they’ll ignore me when I’m talking interviewing people and coming up with to them and they’reBW trying to write a euphamistic terms for “vagina,” there term paper. These guys, though, in Brad was, downloading music onto this this suite, like Aaron...” Brad extolled, Record reporter’s computer. “Hey what pointing at the swarthy stud entering are you up to tonight?” Brad inquired the suite (at which point, this Record chipperly. We don’t know, Brad, but it reporter wondered why Aaron can’t will surely involve a sordid sexual pun and, if we have anything to say about it, be the subject of this article). O “Hey how did you get in, Brad?” you. 26 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM Andrew Smith’s record says it which he did for a few days until all. Captain of the debate team, he quit for lack of vice-president of the student enthusiasm. After council, author of the school that we all pretty play, a universally beloved all much gave up.” As a freshman, around all-star. Until Yale hit Smith cloistered him like a ton of bricks, that is. himself off from Nowadays, not a challenge can the outside world. But two years later, be found that this MP won’t this MP may final- take lying down. Indeed, the ly be coming out one thing this moping man- of his shell. Elec- tronically speak- god won’t vaguely depress will ing. “I’ve created be your desire to listen to him maybe five face- whine about his pathetic lack book groups which of motivation and accomplish- I check twice or three times a week ment. All…night…long. to see if I’ve gotten “I honestly don’t know what hap- new members,” e x i s t e n - rounds, collecting flyers, whoring pened,” Smith told The Record, prompt- Smith confessed to this reporter. “I get tial mal- out his e-mail to the YDN, YSECS, ing this reporter to spill 2-3 quarts of really excited when someone I don’t aise that the Libs, the Dems, the Progs, the semen under the interview table (I’m andrew know joins. Almost makes up for the fact will make Logs, EWB, EWWB, TUIB, but I looking at you, WLH 003…). “In high that I can’t ever remember to show up to you real- could already see the surrender school I fucking owned. Now I can’t the meetings of the real groups I belong ize how much bet- in his eyes. I’m not sure he got even drag my lazy ass out of my room “smitty” to. Nominally, of course.” ter you used to be off the futon for a month af- for IMs. Stupid, stupid stupid.” Well, Andrew, we’d nominally like at not drooling all over his ter that. His suitemates and I Looking for a few good men to help to take your disconsolate, sullen man- sweet ass. spent pretty much the rest of staff a new anti-poverty community ini- smith hood into any three of our orifices “I remember going to the semester trying to find tiative? Don’t think for a second that this most personable (your choice, you indecisive Adonis!) the freshman bazaar with something, anything to get sexy superstar turned underachiever will And ladies, beware: this budding MP Smitty,” Smith pal Grady burnout him excited. I even tried bite. Sassy and sedentary, A“S”S boasts AS will soon be gunning for you, too. Af- Eisen said. “Sure, he made his getting him to smoke pot, a licentious combination of self-pity and ter his nap.O

There’s only one word that can ger, and a nice-sized helping of choco- I think was a describe the social phenom- late sauce, this Record reporter had no big deal.” trouble chilling out with Hunter for a Although enon known to most as Hunter few choice minutes at his new palace, just about ev- Coldstone: cool. Without re- the SAE house. “It may not be much erything out gard to the incredible pun im- compared to the place on Martha’s Vine- of Hunter’s yard,” he jokes, “but it sure beats the mouth was plied there—and we do believe dorms. I could never get a decent blow either stu- it’s incredible, almost as incred- job in those skinny-ass beds.” pid, obvious, ible as this paradigm of human But if you think all there is to this su- or both, we perfection—it’s actually impos- per-cool frat brother is nothing but thin- couldn’t help ly- to-not-at-all-veiled dirty talk and un- but be won sible for us to think of anything imaginable wealth, you’ve got another over by some- as cool as being president of thing coming: he’s got a generous side, thing about SAE…except maybe being heir too…and we don’t just mean his penis, him. His in- which is probably tremendous. No, credibly popu- to a tremendous fortune. Hunter dedicates a large portion of lar on-campus Hunter Coldstone is both. his endowment (nope, still not that one) persona? His “If you like a little sugar mixed into and his time to charity work through the triple-decker your ice cream, ladies, then non-profit organization his polo shirts? you’ve come to the right family founded, the Stone- Maybe it was place,” Hunter kids coolly hunter Cold Kids. just the incred- while mixing a gin “It’s about warmth and ible promise and tonic with two charity and making a differ- of his bank large metal mallets coldstone ence and stuff,” Hunter said. account/trust on a piece of granite most personable “Basically, we collect used fund. Either recently installed on frat brah jackets and mittens and stuff way, it left us the porch at SAE. and give them to black people— questioning: “And if you’re hungry,HC why I mean, poor people that need them. I’m do we like it, wait? I’ll throw in a Snickers, too.” not totally sure how it works, actually… do we love it While she may not be snickering but my Dad just told me we finally got or have we got when she thinks of Hunter, a butterfin- approved for tax-exempt status, which to have it? O WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 27 Juli Raymond, TD ‘06 told The Record. “Last semester I got stuck on this “You should meet him. He’s really the ConLaw paper I was writing, and so best.” naturally I gave Brendan a call, since A self-proclaimed “born schmooz- we were both in the class” said Jamie er,” Brendan’s talent for charming the Pantankin, Founder and President of pants off everyone he meets is only Yale Students Against Cancer and ra- exceeded by his talent for knowing a bid BT devotee. “He helped me fig- lot of people. And, fortunately for this ure out ideas for my paper for a good reporter, many of them are more than few minutes and he only charged ten eager to testify to his unique great- dollars. Just between us, sometimes I guyness. wish I could be more like him.” “Brendan is one of those guys With all that generosity, it’s clear that just makes the most of life and that Brendan ain’t got much time to everything around him,” former class- bleed. But this attractive altruist is not mate Carl Washland explained. “He above random acts of kindness, espe- plays X-box, he does IMs, most personable cially those involving the op- usually finishes his home- posite sex. work AND he goes out on great guy “He’s so sweet,” admir- the weekends. I must admit, er Shana LeFornin exclaimed. I think I’d be “Whenever I pass him on jealous if he the street, he always makes wasn’t such brendan sure to give me a stiff-hand- a stand-up ed wave or, at the very least, guy.” an upward nod of the head. It’s But such feats aren’t tiles selfless gestures like that which the only slam dunks on really restore my faith in the this upstanding citizen’s world, you know?” resume. Other,BT but no less frequently And what does Tiles himself think mentioned credits include: making about his own seemingly boundless Although not much is known nearly all of his four hundred conversation with friends in the din- ability to give? about Brendan Tiles’ personal- closest friends, this impressive ing hall, calling his parents upwards “That’s basically how I play it,” he ity, morality or criminal record, MP boasts the most personable of three times a month, usually re- said. “You’d be surprised how often one thing is for sure: he’s a personality of all. membering his girlfriend’s birthday it makes the panties drop.” “He’s such a great guy,” friend and never getting less than a C+ in Brendan, ours are on the floor. Ig- great guy. Indeed, according to any class. nition. O

After wading through the sea said “Designated Driver” in day, Laundry Bleach Thursday, Gasoline of flesh that is Toad’s place or large white bold lettering and Friday, Saturday Fight peering past the naïve fresh- screamed a breath redolent of Night at Toads, and men at his totally radical frat Tequila and Dubra of times Sunday, the Lord’s parties, one can usually find past. Day. I have a lot of responsibility here Mr. Jason Preston “housing After asking his opinion on Pales- tinian determinism Preston cleverly re- as the party guy. I’m Jack Daniels to the face.” Pres- torted, “I WILL MAKE YOU MY WIFE!” not as prestigious as a ton boasts this to be his main Despite several attempts to mount this Czar like in Harvard, but I’m moving up in talent and his consumption of Record reporter and indeed make me his wife, he calmed down and slowed his the ranks.” obnoxious amounts of alco- breathing to that of a delirious baboon The most intrigu- hol have earned him the right recently escaped from captivity. He ing thing about Pres- spoke at deafening decibels, “What are ton was that he is com- as the craziest party animal. pletely reserved when The Record was able to catch you doing dude, this is CALLLEGE! You party in CALLLEGE.” He then attempt- separated from his al- a quick interview ed his hand at singing, “You cohol. In fact, most of with Jason while gotta fight…for your right…to his acquaintances or jason teachers describe him he happened to be have funnnnnnn in call- jungle juice teat,” and “you can’t spell lege!” After several sec- beer pong without beer,” further inter- as “reserved” or “prone to headaches” or throwing several preston onds of jumping in a view with Preston would have to wait a “useless hunk of mass.” Some of Pres- waffle irons off the 3rd lunatized fashion, Mr. until later. ton’s other hobbies besides partying in- clude celebrating joyously, making mer- floor of his fraternity most personable Preston eventually de- The Record eventually approached cided to sit down on Preston hours later, alone on the couch ry, rejoicing in a festive environment, and house in a drunken rage. party animal reveling at social gatherings. Although JS what he called “a chair” with his hands buried in his face. “I’m Before we were even able to but what this Record re- never getting laid. I didn’t get laid to- no one has actually seen Jason Preston porter considers “my laptop.” He fled night and I’m in callllege. It feels like at classes or walking around campus, he pose him with a question he is well known for his totally awesome hollered, “Just glad to be here down the stairs back to the main party Donkey Kong is raping coconuts in my perhaps to thrive off the body heat of head. I think it’s the rough and stressful ice luge and flammable piñata. Make Carson, WOOOOOO!” He sav- other pressed individuals. While hear- schedule I have here. Tequila Monday, no mistake about it this animal certainly agely removed his shirt which ing the occasional screams of “suck my Whiskey Tuesday, Vodka Tonic Wednes- knows how to party like it’s the current year in which he is partying. O 28 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM Lois Furtz loves being at Yale. hall or White Sulfur Springs.” Lois, you can dust our crops anytime. And by dust No, really. I mean, she likes our crops, we mean have sex. Sexual in- it okay. It’s pretty good, she tercourse. With us. Please. guesses. Well, sometimes she Lois may think a little different from does miss her family’s ranch some Yalies, but to her this just means she has a chance to share some of her outside of Whitefish, MT, and down-home values with us nihilistic her grandmother, and her dog East Coast hedonists. Asked about her Jo, and her best friend Bonnie, views on gay marriage, Lois said, “I don’t really want to talk about it. You who is majoring in agricultural won’t like me anymore.” This reporter economics at MSU-Bozeman was fascinated, in a Jane Goodall kind of and who is “a really great per- way, by Lois’s reluctantly shared tales of going to “church” every Sunday morn- son who’s just so decent and ing, and of “voting for Bush.” Was there down-to-earth, not like …” someone oth- Lois trailed off. This Record er than Kerry lois reporter sat on the couch awk- on the ballot last election? wardly, mesmerized by the And everyone furtz hundreds of photos plastered knows the all over Lois’s walls and by a point of Sun- day mornLF- most personable vaguely mammalian aroma. ing is to ex- fish out of water But Lois doesn’t spend all of her time punge the at Yale pining for the wide open spaces last remnants of Saturday night’s Carlo of Big Sky Country. She is active in sev- from one’s stomach. Speaking of which eral clubs, including the Yale Ranch So- … ciety and The Organization of Montanan While stumbling back from the toi- Yalies (TOOMY), of which she is presi- let to Lois’s room, this reporter tripped her mother in Whitefish. This reporter dent. “Charlie and Burch and I sure do know it’s just pretend, and it was only over a charming straw hat in her com- would like to speed-dial Lois’s sweet, tons of fun stuff,” Lois said of TOOMY. for a few hours, but … it was nice.” I mon room. Lois explained that it had quickly mobbed out of the interview as cattle-ranching ass some Tuesday eve- “Like we just hang out and talk about O been part of her Halloween costume. “I Lois, choking back tears, speed-dialed ning for a little free range poontang. how much we miss Whitefish or White- went as a Montana rancher,” she said. “I

From the pasty-white skin to esteem by pre-gaming at friends’ places, partying all night, and then having lots the “desperate for attention” of casual sex. Or so I’ve overheard.” smile, the Yale Record staff Unfortunately, this reporter was unable gives Stacy’s mom a run for her to continue the interview, as Litt was in- money in the “got it going on” advertently knocked to the ground and sat on by a large, much-better-looking department. These guys (well, rower who mistook him for a stool. actually only 93% guys) aren’t Managing Editor Eric March just hot: they’re highbrow. agreed. “The thing about Yale is peo- ple just take themselves too seriously. “We’re all about keeping our They’re always like ‘look at me, I’m integrity,” said Editor-In-chief running for an e-board position,’ or Michael Rae-Grant ’07. “Hey, ‘check me out, I’m teaching poor kids to read.’ I mean, how self-absorbed how about this one: Dear Yale can you get,” he said. “Listen. None Record, Suck my cock. Sincere- of us have really had sex in while,” ly, a guy who makes animal he added. shaped lollipops.” There’s no question about it: these Not only do these sexy staffers put awkward Adonises (well, actually, out a magazine that rivals Light and Truth only 93% Adonises) may just be the in readership, they also parody popular best-looking people on campus, as campus publi- long as your standard for evaluating cations. That’s looks involves “Arrested Develop- went online to When they’re not busy cracking sexy, right? ment” trivia—lots of “Arrested De- the yale find out more wise, these insecure sexpots love to cut Please God, let velopment” trivia—and is in no way about the fake loose, or at least make fun of other peo- that be sexy. based on good looks. courses. Man, ple who are cutting loose. “Weekends “We put record So now the question that’s on every people who at Yale are so pathetic, and the worst out the most personable lady’s mind – how to bag one of these are interested part is, no one realizes it,” said Manag- crotchety cuties for yourself? That is the fake blueYR bitter, obnoxious assholes in their own education are ing Editor David Litt ’08, sitting alone book earli- question on every lady’s mind, right? so stupid. Thank god I in the Branford courtyard at 1AM on a er this year,” says Chairman David Cher- Or at least, some ladies. One lady? Oh have these aviators to let everyone know Friday. “It’s just a bunch of immature nicoff. “Apparently, some people even God, we’re so cynical and lonely. I’m too cool to care about stuff.” college students who boost their self- Hotness!!! O WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 29 CALL ME IF YOU NEED 2-TALK Everyone has their fantasies. I tyty,, you ten-gear rapscallions,” I help her stand up; her 18-21- girls looking on, one a little too intently. want to share one of mine with command. yearyear-old-old breastsbreasts of av- The minibus driver, a tall, muscled old “Or what, Chief erage build heaving woman threatens to stop the bus unless you. James Perrotti,” the up at me through the we return to our seats. It is late afternoon to evening teenagers scoff, “You’ll fabric of her running “This is a public place! You stop hours, somewhere in the area step up police activity shirt. Faster than I can that, or I’ll call the YPD!” she screeches. in the area of Lot 80?” say Bod-dOper, the “Screw you lady! I am the YPD!” I around Dwight toward Kens- Without hesita- minibus arrives, and retort in a forceful baritone. Unfazed, ington Street. It is dark when I tion, I lunge for a blue we ascend two steps my liaison and I retreat into our own notice a medium height, white phone and they scatter,scatter, to paradise. private holding cell as I begin to accost female aged 18-21, who is wear- driven away by the un- As soon as we are her more and more forcefully. holy fear of an ef effectivefective sealed within our mobile I penetrate her like a deadly Tef- ing clothes and having breasts. campus safety aid. pleasurepleasure dome, I notice lon-coated bullet through a police is- She is oblivious; listening to an “Good thing I ran into something suspicious down sue vest. The minibus is rocking as my iPod while jogging. I am not you, white female aged 18-21,” below.below. I am worried that the arrests become increasingly frequent. I saysay,, as I undo the top button of activity in my pants makes her Climaxing, she screams “E-MAIL ME distressed to report that I fi nd my police blazer.blazer. “Y“Youou should be feel uneasy uneasy,, but the look in her JAMES! E-MAIL ME ABOUT PER- her dangerously attractive. mindful of the excellent security rre-e- eyes tells me she is willing to risk se- SONAL SAFETY!” Her body shudders, Titillated, I respond to the in- sources Yale has put in place for your rious injury from this armed assailant. cracking the glass. She receives a fl esh protection. And you should never be “Pork me, you dirty pig!” she says. wound in one hand, but is otherwise cident by increasing patrols in alone. Especially at night...” “Call me Chief,” I demand. “Time unharmed. her area. “Oh, James Perotti, I’m alone to enforce some law and order.” As I slip on my utility belt and blue Suddenly, a group of more than you can ever know. Say, Wordlessly, she eases down my util- pants, I tell her not to hesitate to call us masked teenagers riding is that ity belt and blue police britches. She is at (203) 432-4400. I promise to take her bicycles, brandishing all ‘ w h a t delighted to fi nd that I am hung like a safety and security seriously any time. manner of brick attacks A Message appears black male, aged 13-65. She handles my Again and again and again. the student and knocks from Chief to be a nightstick while I commit a little armed When I return to the station, I tell her to the ground. I think weapon’ robbery behind her convenience store. I my buddy about the encounter. He about radioing for back- Perrotti in your can tell already that she is going to sur- gives me a hi-5-5555. “Chief,” he says, up, but decide against p o c k e t , render her V-wallet. “You really know how to service the it. This is my fi ght. It’s With Chief James A. Perrotti or are The steam builds on the minibus Yale community!” time to bust out a little you just windows as I unclasp her bra and be- “Just another day for the Chief of Perrotti Karatti. h a p p y gin to search her crime scene. Caught the Yale Police,” I respond, “Now let’s “Ride your bicycles to areas of New to see me?’” It is clear that this student up in our passion, we are only vaguely get going. We’ve got a long night of un- O Haven not affi liated with this Universi- body was aware of my “presence.” I aware of the three frightened freshman derage ‘violations’ ahead of us!”

TURLEY AD 30 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM THE TENTH CIRCLE Every month it is my blessing After completing the letter, a rigorous 15 Graph of # of Dana Gidrington Articles Written Vs. Cumulative Infant Mortalities in the World hour exercise, I was exhausted and fell and my curse to scour Yale’s asleep clutching Teddy, my stuffed MLA publications for the inevitable Handbook. idiocy that lurks therein. It is 11/30: Imagine my pride—and by my firm belief that only through pride I mean horror—upon picking up the “Y”DN and seeing my Letter spending hours upon untold to the Editor printed in such an hours of my life cataloging mi- altered fashion that it was nearly nor grammatical inconsisten- unrecognizable. Whole sections had been slashed without concern for cies can I affect positive change the rest of the article. My stated “six on this, our cherished univer- reasons” for setting Dana Gidrington 11/30 - Coincidence? I think not. sity. For what kind of world ablaze were gutted to two. I skimmed would it be if amateur college along, my blood pressure rising, until a letter to the Editor that I need to finish go deal with her. We’ll chill tomorrow finding the “Anyways” beginning the up. Excuse me? No, I am not “compen- night or something. All right, peace man, writers were allowed on occa- third-to-last paragraph, which had sating” for my small penis. I’m going to I’ll see you at brunch or whatever. sion to misspell the name of a been substituted for “Furthermore.” stick it to the “Y”DN, because they fuck- 12/2: Dude, I already apologized for professor (Yale Herald 11/13 p. 5, Are you shitting me, “Y”DN? I do not ing blow...which is more than I can say the Molly thing; I thought we were go- speak that way, and I certainly would you line 17, “John Gadis” anyone?) about . ing to hang out tonight, and now I find never make such an error in a widely- 11/30: In her text message today, my out you went without me to that concert and be left unscathed? Justified read article, unlike some people I know girlfriend wrote, “Sorry luv u call me we planned on going to together? Man, thusly and without further ado, named Dana Gidrington. Without plz.” Well, sweetie, I’m glad to know how you’re like my best friend, but you can pause, I wrote a second letter, this one a I bring you the scathing. much you like that particular vowel, but be a real shithead sometimes. I would 9,859 word, 19 hour (and change) affair, with spelling like that, it’s no wonder say what you did was “fucked up”, but whose revision was not complete until you’re a chem major. And sorry, I don’t unlike some roommates I know, end- The “Yale” Daily News well after 5AM. have time to chat: a grave injustice has ing sentences with prepositions is some 11/28: I was shocked—and by been done me by Dana Gidrington and ungrammatical shit by which I will not shocked I mean totally un-shocked—to her band of journalistic hottentots over stand idly. The Yale Herald at the “Y”DN, and I’ve got another letter find Dana Gidrington’s article on the un- 11/28: In her article on long-dis- to write. Sometimes things come up, and derground steam tunnel network staring tance relationships, Elise Fermier wrote, at me like a golf course: long, rambling, we’ve got to be able to live our separate My Severe Alcohol Problem “the worst thing you can do for your 11/28: Today I got drunk at ten in and full of holes. Without even touching lives. And don’t even think about IM-ing LDR is to not call.” What a coincidence, the morning. Why, you may ask? Be- on its senseless verbosity (look, Dana, my roommate and asking him to have Elise, because the worst thing you can cause I can’t bear to remain conscious in lots of kids know big words!), I’ll com- me call you—it ain’t happening. do “to not make a world that condones the hideous Dana ment merely on the following: 1) there is us think you’re Gidrington article I just read. a shameless comma splice in the second a total moron” 11/29: In my letter to the editor of paragraph; 2) describing the view into is to split your REJOURNALISMAL the “Y”DN, I evidently thought it a the tunnels as “smoky” is clearly idiotic, i n f i n i t i v e s . good idea to write, “4. Dana Gidrington since they’re called the steam tunnels; And speak- JOURNALISM has casued the worldd of noosepaper and 3) they are not “inhospitable”— ing of “LDRs,” raeders to live daily in a firey journalus- there’re plenty of edible vermin in the with 5-Ball my girlfriend ticc holicaust, therefore it si ooonly fair steam tunnels, believe you me. seems to think that she herselves b set ablaze./” Not 11/29: The lovely and talented—and that if I don’t call her for one single night only did I have to run spell-check twice by lovely and talented I mean hideously 12/1: Fine. Fine: I’ll skip my room- over Thanksgiving break then, “for all on this sentence, I muddled my singu- incompetent—Ms. Gidrington has, mate’s birthday party—which I helped intensive purposes, [I] don’t really love lar and my plural. Any why would I do through her painful linguistic indiscre- organize—to sit in your room and watch [her] that much.” Well, sweetie, I’ll ig- that? Because I was drunk off my ass. tions, nearly destroyed both journalism The OC with your mindless, vapid suite- nore your butchering of a common 11/30: Speaking of my ass being and the English language itself. While mates. It’s not like Steve’s my best friend idiomatic phrase (not to mention your drunk, it’s a good thing I’ve got a single, writing, no doubt, with ink comprised or anything…no, don’t worry about it. hideously colloquial sentence structure), because otherwise I would have to share of the ashes of the Chicago Manual of It’s like you said: this is my decision, and and simply point out that it was one night my vodka while writing this letter. Style, Ms. Gidrington decided to use I choose to stab my friend in the back to 12/1: It’s not actually small, it’s just “cliché” as an adjective, and “it’s” as a out of eight. appease your frigid, vengeful whims. hard to get it up when you’re blindingly possessive. My God. This is one of those Whatever. No, seriously: whatever. intoxicated. all-too-common instances in which all I 12/2: With Steve gone and Molly want is a fully loaded fire-arm (be it for My Girlfriend my girl- pissed, there’s no one left but me and Dana or for myself). Appalled by her 11/29: It appears that My Roommate Steve friend 12/1: Today Steve said, “You can’t go you, Mr. Jack Daniels. Let’s hit the town article, I decided to write a letter to the has a twisted animal cruelty fe- to my birthday? That’s bullshit.” Dude, hard—and by “town” I mean my liver— editor of the “Y”DN demanding her dis- tish...because she won’t stop beating a I’m really sorry. I know it’s “bullshit,” and by “hard” I mean...well I guess I missal and, at the same time, a serious dead horse. Yes, I’m committed to this; man, it’s just that Molly’s being a fuck- mean hard. appraisal of their copy-editing process. yes, I’m taking you seriously; but look, we’ve already discussed this, and I have ing nut-job right now, and I kinda gotta WWW.YALERECORD.COM O FEBRUARY 2006 31

. . .OF JOURNALISMthe grammatical errors they make on standing out here with my arm limp at one panel ask, “What do you have to My Astro Problem Set these sites, itʼs “hardcore.” I mean, cum on, my side because I was waiting for you 12/1: My Astro Problem Set reads, say for yourself” before realizing that guys, seriously. to tell me how the cute one’s date with “The orbit of such a pulsar will decay I’m nearly catatonic with intoxication? the bisexual one went. But now that you rapidly due to gravitational wave radia- Are you complete morons? “Fuck off mention it, yes, Jolene, I would love to tion. Sketch a space-time diagram show- and let me go through alcohol with- drawal in peace”—that’s what I “have A Gang of Street Thugs come into Branford...and look for a lap- ing the trajectories of the pulsar and 12/8: Late last night, a bunch of to say for myself.” I don’t know if I got top to steal. black hole as the two objects spiral to- New Haven hoodlums decided to give this across clearly enough. I tried break- 12/8: Having regained use of a com- gether. Explain what aspects of the mo- us all a lesson in poor sentence struc- ing that pitcher and those glasses to get puter—this column is brought to you by tion of the two objects are correctly de- ture when they instructed me to “auit your attention, although all that seemed Joey Oliver, BR ‘08—I settled down in the scribed by your diagram. Are there other runnin’, yo, and give that shit over.” Or to do was make my escape route more Branford Common Room. Who would aspects of the motion that are not accu- thatʼs what they claimed to have said once dangerous. Look, in a world where one’s have thought, then, that there would be rately depicted?” What the fuck does they chased me down, beat me senseless, letter to the editor can be so grossly mis- a routine security sweep of the room ev- that even mean? I need more whiskey. and took my computer and my shoes. Luck- represented I don’t care about things like ery night, and that I would be run out 12/2: Dammit, I passed out and ily, the Yale Police were nearby. Now, I “basic human decency” and “already by a security guard with a beer gut the didn’t do my problem set. Now I have know what youʼre thinking: they probably being on academic probation.” Hit me size of a kodiak bear cub. (By the way, to meet with this fucking TA on a Sat- helped me back to my feet and immediately with your worst, Yale, you fucking in- sir, I assumed that the “Who the fuck urday morning to explain things. Satur- went chasing after the perpetrators. Wrong; stitution of higher education—and by are you?” was rhetorical, and that the day?! I swear to God, nothing is sacred instead they demanded rather crudely that I “institution of higher education” I mean “Get the fuck back here” was directed at anymore. “show some ID,” became incensed when I “Dana Gidrington’s journalistic sodomy someone else.) With few options avail- informed them that neither I nor anyone else parade.” Go ahead: make my day. able to me—especially given my hard- could show “some” of an ID short of conceal- My Hairbrained Astro TA to-replace payload and need for internet ing part of the card itself, and, upon discov- 12/3: Jesus, who are you? Dana Gid- access both to dispense this missive and ering that I was no longer technically a Yale rington’s sister? Don’t you understand My College Career keep my appetite for self-gratification at student, beat me senseless once more. that I was so hung over when I dragged 12/6: Yale, in its letter to me wrote, Well bay—I took refuge in the only place left my carcass out of bed to meet you at At- “We regret to inform you that, due to faithful readers, I may not have a laptop where I could remain safe, hidden, and the use of my left arm—but ticus that I can’t remember a goddamn your unfortunate actions, we must ask anymore—or relatively warm and dry: the steam tun- word we exchanged…and that includes you to leave Yale College permanently.” at least I have my syntactic dignity. nels. the so-called “string of abusive epithets” Well Yale, the joke’s on you, because I that you’ve accused me of using which, “regret to inform you that” my parents have disowned me, and I don’t have Yale’s “Hospitality” if they were half as well-constructed 12/8: After sacrificing my already- The Steam Tunnels the cash to go anywhere! Looks like I’m 12/16: After months of writing this as you’ve since described, was pretty broken body to the long-repressed de- stuck on the streets of downtown New column—and years of living in this impressive for a guy whose head was sires of a Police force castrated, I made Haven for the foreseeable future. And world, I daresay—I am a man of low, pounding like the timpani section of my slow and painful way towards cen- I have an “unfortunate” tendency to- low expectations. And that’s why, God Carmina Burrana. Report me to the pro- tral campus, where I hoped to find a wards substance abuse, so I’m going to bless them, the steam tunnels beneath fessor, will you? Looks like someone is propped entryway door and spend the start accosting your students more ag- the Yale campus have proven them- in for a scathing satirical memorandum. night out of the bitter, bitter cold. After gressively than I went after the “Y”DN selves a most propitious hiding place. waiting on York Street for several min- accosts standards of decency! Bitches! Sure, there are annoyances: the maps are utes, I got access to Branford College My Irate Astro Professor 12/7: With no school, home, or job, oriented wrong; I haven’t a clue what after a friend of my girlfriend’s (who 12/4: In the angry speech he gave it’s lucky that I still have my laptop, be- “through ground board access” could was no doubt returning from one of me today, I think Professor Giribaldi cause I don’t have anything better to do possibly indicate; there’s a sign deep be- their marathons) asked “Do you need to said, “It is highly inappropriate to send than use the free wireless in Starbucks low the entrance to Calhoun whose “D” get in here?” Why no, Jolene, I was just a TA a death threat, even in jest.” I’ll tell to look at porn all day. You should see has rubbed off, leaving only “ANGER” you what’s “highly inappropriate,” Pro- in its place. But, as I mentioned above, fessor: your complete inability to un- the implication by that ignorant bilgel- derstand nuanced literary wit. When I icker Dana Gidrington that the steam suggested lighting what’s-her-name on tunnels are nothing more than a series fire, it was a metaphor. In any case, I say of interlinked junk heaps is both ludi- “I think,” because by that point I was so crous and personally insulting. For what drunk I could barely understand which it’s worth—not that any of you seem to of the sounds I was hearing were hu- give a shit, based on my few attempts at man speech and which were part of the panhandling in between liquor-stealing normal background noises to which one binges—I’m doing quite all right down doesn’t normally attend. I do vaguely re- here. I’ve even found the place that member your referring me to Ex-Comm, I’ll conceal Dana Gidrington’s rotting as well as my vomiting into your brief- cadaver, once I can jimmy the lock on case, but the details are somewhere be- the door into the Pierson basement and tween “fuzzy” and “sideways.” find my way to entryway F, suite 24. For now, though, I’ll have to wait, satisfied that the rat I’ve mailed to the “Y”DN The Ex-Comm Board 12/16 - It kind of feels like home. A tremendously oblong, humid, will find its way to the desk of someone 12/5: Really, how many times can underground home with scorpions in it. Like my summer house. important...or die trying. O Pierson College and The Record present A CONVERSATION WITH

RICH IS: • THE FOUNDER of Somethingawful, one of the internet’s most popular humor websites

AS WELL AS: • OWNER of the City Name Sports Team, a parody of sports fanaticism • OWNER of Awful Video, which recently published MEGA 64, a satire of video game culture, as well as Doom House, a parody of horror fi lms

COMING SOON TO THE Pierson Master’s House