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2 R E C O R D O WWW.YALERECORD.COM IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE THAT The Only Parody of the Only Magazine at Yale about Stuff at Yale at Yale George Bluth CHAIRMAN COUNTS...WE GUESS David Chernicoff goodwill towards others until your obscene Michael Bluth Last Monday night, after downing chief, what the fuck were you doing last EDITOR-IN-CHIEF some bennys, we found ourselves getting night with that walking lard refi nery?” We thirst for personality is slaked? Haven’t you Michael Rae-Grant sloshed at Toad’s...again. Looking through panicked, racking our brains for a response. fantasized about slowly removing his/her GOB Bluth our dilated pupils at the sea of fl esh writh- What came out of our mouth stunned us: reserved nature (perhaps with your teeth), DESIGNER ing to the strains of Fitty (50), we caught the “Hey bro, there’s more to bitches than just taking off his/her lacy propriety, and run- Gabe Smedresman eye of a bodacious babe wildly gyrating in their killer bods. That ho has one fi ne-ass ning your tongue down the length of her Buster Bluth the middle of the dance fl oor. Just then, the personality. Why, all you have to do is look svelte, blonde, 5-foot-10, 36-24-36 personal- EDITORS DJ seamlessly transitioned into R. Kelly’s at the next issue ity? Jessica Hanley-Smith CC ‘08, you will Thomas Crowley latest sex jam opera. The time had come to of our humor be ours. Gordon Jenkins make our move. We pimp-walked over to magazine We realize that David Litt Eric March the aforementioned honey, our confi dence the Record some may feel slighted enhanced by her come-hither glances and to see us The by their exclusion from Lucille Bluth this year’s 50 Best Per- CONTRIBUTORS a bottle and a half of Smirnoff Apple Twist, fi nally ac- Rec’s Celeste Ballard and proceeded to get our mack on. Like so knowledge sonalities. To those who Damien Berliet many girls before her, she became putty in the many View failed to satisfy our ex- Ivan Dremov our artful, groping hands. The next thing breathtak- tremely exacting stan- Sean Gandert your humble Record editors knew, we were ing per- dards, we can only offer Martin Glazier Andrew Kau fumbling with the wrapper of the unfor- sonalities this advice: Deal with it Doug Lieblich tunately festive neon green condom we that grace our storied campus.” and stop being such a fucking Sally. Also, Nick O’Neill grabbed from the basement. Oh, how we Fuck. The die was cast. There was follow these guidelines: Carrie Toole wish we could relive those seconds of glo- no turning back. The shit had hit the fan. • First, pay weekly visits to your local George Michael Bluth ry! Exhausted and sated, we blacked out in A stitch in time saves nine. Take it to the personality salon. A trained personalitician STAFF our sweet love’s embrace. house. can do wonders for the split ends of your Rachelle Alpern The harsh light of morning jostled us After much hair-pulling and hand- character. A salon can also provide you with Sam Bagg Lexy Benaim from our stupor. Eager for a reprise of last wringing about our craven valuing of per- state-of-the-art personality-care products, Adam Bildersee night’s symphony of love, we nudged our sonality over luscious hottness, we realized such as salves, crèmes, and other colloids to Matthew O. Brimer sweet seductress with our conductor’s ba- that we actually do have something edify- smear all over your personality. Andrew Chang ton. Horror of horrors! Our nubile nymph ing to say to the Yale community about its • Second, consider hiring a personality Alexandra Charrow Andrew Chittenden had been transformed into a hideous personalities, or at least enough to fi ll up an trainer, who will help you tone your fl abby R. David Edelman mound of fat! But emanating from some- issue of this rag. While we might not be able integrity and tighten up your compassion. Kerstin Frailey where within the corpulent mass, a voice to focus on outer beauty, we can still reveal Four sets of ten reps of character crunches Anny Gaul struggled to make itself heard: “I just had intimate personal details to a wide, undis- daily will give you a super-buff joie de vivre Carlos Hann Henry Harding the most wonderful dream about installing cerning audience. And isn’t that what’s re- in no time. But be careful not to overtrain; Hansun Hsiung a sewage treatment system in a third world ally important? you don’t want to become too personable. Erin Kelly orphanage while serenading their emaci- After all, O Record readers, how many • Third, regularly wax your personal- Kathy Lent ated ears with my Time Magazine-profi led times has your attention drifted away from ity zone. George London Alexander Maggio viola da gamba playing.” the riveting discussion in your Victorian • You may also want to consider being Aaron Margolis Profoundly disturbed, we ushered her Gardening section to focus yet again on that kind to others. Tamara Micner out of our room as quickly and quietly as personable guy or girl in the third seat on If you keep in mind these suggestions, Shana Mlawski possible, hoping against hope that no one the left side of the table in WLH 119, TuTh we absolutely, 100% guarantee that you Kate O’Brien Kendall Rice had seen us the night before. But over a re- 4-4:50? How often have you longed to pen- will be profi led in next year’s 50 Best Per- Ann Lane Rick past of scrambled water and egg substitute, etrate the warm depths of his/her charac- sonalities. Or you could just be hot. Or let O Jeremy Robbins we had to face the terrible question: “Hey ter, thrusting in and out of his/her faith and us have sex with you. Betsy Scherzer Mark Schneider Eric Shansby Amanda Silverio The Second 50: Those Personalities Who Juuust Missed Lauren Simpson Miao Wang Maya Angelou, Susan B. Anthony, Joan of Arc, Lance Armstrong,, King Arthur, Athena, Atticus Janet Xu Daniel Zier from To Kill A Mockingbird, Clara Barton, Dante’s Beatrice, Buddha, Rachel Carson, Cinderella, Tobias Fünke Santa Claus, Confucius, Leonardo Da Vinci, Desdemona, Princess Diana, Albus Dumbledore, SPECIAL THANKS Amelia Earhart, Albert Einstein, Queen Elizabeth I, St. Francis of Assisi, Anne Frank, Ghandi, Nicole Aaronson, Kelsey Alloo, James Burch, Salim Cheriyan, Aryeh Cohen-Wade, Rachel Che Guevara, Stephen Hawking, Jim from Huckleberry Finn, Thomas Jefferson, Jesus, Helen Criswell, Daniel Levin-Becker, Dave Frank, Bjorn Fredrickson, Clark Freeman, Jeff Fugate, Keller, Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Virgin Mary, Lucretia Mott, Isaac Newton, Michael Gerber, Andom Ghebreghiorgis, Florence Nightengale, Odysseus, Little Orphan Annie, Rosa Parks, Alexander Pope, Mary Pop- Teddy Goff, Annie Hirschhorn, Matthew Hoselton, Rose Jia, Tae-Yeoun Keum, Lauren pins, “Mr. Right”, Jackie Robinson, Eleanor Roosevelt, Sacagewea, William Shakespeare, Sche- Koehler, Ryan Koscianski, Richard Lemon, herazade, Socrates, Mother Theresa, Harriet Tubman ...BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR GUYS O Brynne Lieb, Bikobii Libii, Chris Malizia, Henry Michael, Danny Mindlin, Bill Perdue, Kevin Roe, Steve Rozenweig, Margaret Scotti, All contents copyright 2006 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to char- Chiara Scully, Stephanie Speirs, Evan Suzuki, acters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record lugubriously acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Doug Swanson, Lee Tyler, Frank Wilton Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or [email protected]. Coka-caw! Coka-caw! Coka-coka-coka-caw! A-coodle-doodle-doo! Cha-chee! Coo-coo-ca-cha! WWW.YALERECORD.COM O DECEMBERFEBRUARY 2006 2005 3 RECORD DUMB CRAP WE’VE HEARD...THAT YOU SHOULDN’T CARE ABOUT There’s nothing better and/or easier ’07, in line at the dining hall. The two hit having it, I got pissed off and roofi ed her. up in Record, Record again. than a vulnerable pre-prefrosh. Twelve- it off and were married within a week. I bet the look on some douchebag’s face *** year-old Zach Wallace, the younger Soon, however, the amnesia Stevens had was priceless today at 5AM when went to We at the Record have incontrovert- brother of a Men’s Squash recruit, found been suffering from after a near-fatal boat- take a leak and saw her inert, comatose ible evidence that Annie Payson, TD ’06, that out the hard (and by “hard” we might ing accident began to wear off, and he was body on the fl oor. That’s right: I drugged a former intern at the state department, it mean “erect”) way when he slurped back revealed to be Cooper’s long-lost brother her, then proceeded to drag her limp, al- an active member of the American Com- fi fty-two jell-o shots at the Men’s Squash Vyacheslav Q. Cooper DC ‘03. Moreover, most comatose body into the men’s bath- munist Party. As far back as 2001, when house. Having already peed in a laundry the man he had killed to secure a place room, where I had my way with her. As if she did her senior project running errands hamper and vomited very cleanly and ef- behind Cooper in line at the dining hall that weren’t bad enough, the source says I for her local chapter of the American Civil fi ciently into the mouth of an unsuspect- was none other than Cooper’s best-friend took pictures of the act and put them on Liberties Union, a known Communist ing New Haven police offi cer, Wallace’s and priest Vyacheslav Q.