TRUMP BATTLE Page 3 Page 4 Page 7 Meats Carbs OPINION: IF YOU EAT PROSCIUTTO, YOU ARE
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VOLUME 13, ISSUE 6 APRIL 6, 2017 Op-Ed: I Have TRAFFIC ON THE QUAD GRINDS No Idea How Re- TO A HALT AS TWO STUDENTS chargeable Batter- FAIL TO WALK PAST EACH OTHER ies Work and Nei- ther Do You by Antonia Salisbury Modern life is plagued by the pervasive misconception that we all understand how rechargeable batteries work. But we don’t. You don’t get it, I don’t get it. No one gets it. Hell, I remember the first time I threw away the fancy blue batteries that come in Wii remotes. Big shot city mice at Nintendo can’t expect common folk like myself to know any better. Duracell and Energizer are all I’ve ever known and I re- fuse to apologize for that. I’ll admit it: Regular batteries are a little bit beyond my skill level. So throwing new-age bullshit my way on top of that seems pretty effed up. Invest more money by Jacob Johnson Photo by Willamina Groething in public school science programs and we can talk. Until then, get out of my fridge At approximately 12:47 pm this Wednes- disaster struck. where I, a classic American, keep my bat- day afternoon, local UChicago first-years Preceded by a simultaneous “excuse teries because I truly don’t understand Timothy Burnside and Felix Gardner me” (indicating that this was in fact Chi- them. became locked in a stunning display of cago and not New York), Burnside moved Let me spew nonsense about ionization over-politeness mixed with sheer incom- to his left to give Gardner room, while and feel good about myself whenI take petence. According to reports, Burnside Gardner moved to his right. Seeing that the time to find the cardboard box for and Gardner had approached the slightly Gardner’s right was Burnside’s left, the recycling batteries at my local elementa- narrow pathway leading from near Cobb two were face-to-face once again, their ry school. No one wants to have a green hall to the Regenstein Library from oppo- positioning predicament still unresolved. thumb more than I do, but I will throw site directions. Both appeared to be preoc- To correct this, after a synchronized “my away packs of batteries into the ocean if cupied, likely texting that cute girl from bad,” Gardner and Burnside each shifted you corporate pigs hiding like sheep in their respective Sosc classes with whom to the opposite side from where they had the recesses of Silicon Valley continue to neither had any remote chance. As a re- just stood, which unsurprisingly did little threaten my incredibly delicate sense of sult, neither man appeared to look up and to improve the situation. The deadlock re- battery understanding. notice the other’s approach until a colli- mained. sion was near-imminent. At this moment, See TRAFFIC on page 2 IN THIS ISSUE... Saieh Naughty Epic SMOTHERED TRUMP BATTLE page 3 page 4 page 7 Meats Carbs OPINION: IF YOU EAT PROSCIUTTO, YOU ARE CRESCAT RUMOR, VITA EXCOLATUR NO LONGER A MEMBER OF THE PROLETARIAT EDITORS-IN-CHIEF by Nico Aldape Jacob Levin The current state of our may seem perfectly rational That being said, they prob- Teddy Zamborsky capitalist system is dire. We to pay up to 6 dollars for 5 ably eat large amounts of MANAGING EDITOR need everyone we can to turn slices of dry-cured, thinly caviar too. Caviar is just Daniel Ruttenberg back the rising tide of the sliced deliciousness that fish eggs. Why can’t you neo-fascist, white suprema- you’ll likely devour in one just eat normal chicken LAYOUT EDITOR Breck Radulovic cist bourgeoisie. We need to munchie sitting rather than eggs like everybody else? It hold ourselves to action to on sandwiches. We all want seems like more energy to COPY EDITOR support the revolution, not new culinary experiences. extract them. If they were Nik Varley just ironically share com- However, there are new culi- any smaller, they’d be practi- PHOTO EDITOR munist memes and espouse nary experiences, and there’s cally microscopic. Prosciutto Willamina Groething treatises such as “lol @ capi- enabling the fancy bourgeoi- also comes sliced very thinly talism hahaha!!!!!!” In pur- sie “artisan” filth. They’re and is had in small doses. As SECRETARY suing the reasonable goal of eating prosciutto and fancy is truffle oil. As is saffron. David North a more equal society which cheese in the Ritz, and I’m What is with rich people and WEBMASTER has been bastardized and dis- crying onto the Kraft singles very small servings of food? Paul Alvez torted by many a dictator, I I’m eating on a Ritz cracker. Is the most necessary part FEATURED WRITERS have one core recommen- This mental image is all you of a bourgeoisie’s diet 5-7 Nico Aldape dation: If Marx heard you need to understand the hold servings of hors d’oeurves? I Ryan Fleishman were eating prosciutto, he the bourgeoisie has over have no idea how they have Jacob Johnson would turn in his grave and global capital. When they are so much time to oppress the Dan Lastres ban you from the proletariat. not busy oppressing, what proletariat with such minor Thomas Noriega Phillip O’Sullivan As I will explain, eating pro- do you think the bourgeoisie amounts of finger food. I Antonia Salisbury sciutto and the proletariat are are doing? Twiddling their don’t have the answers to Christopher Walker mutually exclusive. Just as thumbs and eating prosciut- any of these questions, but I Religion is the opiate of the to, whether wrapped around do know that if you eat pro- MEETINGS masses, prosciutto is the opi- cheese, topping a sandwich, sciutto, the revolution don’t Sundays at 7 p.m. in Harper 145 ate of the bourgeoisie. Do on bruschetta, digested in need you. WEBSITE not fall into this trap or you the same mouth that spews chicagoshadydealer.com will become one of them. It anti-proletariat hatred. SUBMISSIONS TRAFFIC from [email protected] page 1 DISCLAIMER This went on for several have been cool if it weren’t so UCPD had arrived on the Have the fangs of our prose pierced you? minutes, during which a dumb.” scene and were able to care- Does your blood boil with anger, or just the battle of wits had quickly By this time, a sizable crowd fully separate both students, regular kind of boil? Are you plotting your of students remained backed who agreed to plan their fu- revenge? Think of how little it would mean, ensued with Burnside trying to spill our blood, to chew our flesh. Think to anticipate where Gardner up behind the two, unable to ture schedules so there would of how meaningless all our lives are, bottle would next position himself, pass due to the standoff tak- be no chance of ever crossing the anger up, then go home and drink the and vice-versa. Occasionally, ing place. Simply walking paths with the other again. bottle. the two would stand com- around on the grass did not Upper-level university offi- META-DISCLAIMER appear to be a valid option, cials are looking into install- We apologize for the tenor of our disclaimer. pletely still, waiting to see We like you, or we really want to like you. what the other’s next move as, according to sources, the ing wider pathways in case We like the idea of you, and you shouldn’t would be, before eventually grass was “completely soaked a similar incident happens take our insinuations of bloodthirst to heart. giving up and moving simul- and kind of gross-looking.” in the future. On a related META-META-DISCLAIMER By this time, both Gardner note, a similar situation oc- To be clear, we stand by our stance. God is taneously once again. Both God and the river is swift and we don’t fuck- even resulted to basketball- and Burnside, visibly sweat- curred earlier this morning ing care. esque “juke” techniques, but ing from the sheer effort of at Northwestern Univer- to no avail. Their synchro- not being able to walk past sity, except instead of being nization was still perfect, someone, gave a synchro- blocked by another person, a which, according to an anon- nized and exhausted call for student found a large mirror 2 ymous observer, “would help. Within ten minutes, in his path. Meats Carbs WAFFLE HOUSE REPLACES SAIEH HALL FOR ECONOMICS by Breck Radulovic only 56% ex- Third-year James Leeman spoke to the pressed posi- Shady Dealer as he ordered his inaugural tive regard for plate waffles in the new dining establish- the Econom- ment. “As a Math Spec Econ major, I was ics program. pretty devastated when I heard that Saieh Thus, the dif- would be closing - almost as devastated ficult decision as I was when Clarke’s closed for good. was made to When I heard a new all-night diner would remove the be opening right in the heart of campus, I Econ depart- totally changed my mind.” ment from Graduate student Annie Nielson was Saieh Hall.” pleased by the new Waffle House because Archie Hol- of its employment opportunities. “Be- loway, re- cause of the delay with the Grad Student cently hired as Union, I’ve been struggling to pay bills. a manager at Waiting tables at Waffle House for $10.30 Photo by Willamina Groething Waffle House, an hour is the opportunity I’ve been look- University of Chicago President Robert anticipated the dining locale becoming ing for!” Zimmer announced the opening of Waffle an integral part of UChicago’s campus Zimmer expressed hope that the Econ House, a 24-hour diner chain, at 5757 culture.