VOLUME 13, ISSUE 6 APRIL 6, 2017

Op-Ed: I Have TRAFFIC ON THE QUAD GRINDS No Idea How Re- TO A HALT AS TWO STUDENTS chargeable Batter- FAIL TO WALK PAST EACH OTHER ies Work and Nei- ther Do You by Antonia Salisbury Modern life is plagued by the pervasive misconception that we all understand how rechargeable batteries work. But we don’t. You don’t get it, I don’t get it. No one gets it. Hell, I remember the first time I threw away the fancy blue batteries that come in Wii remotes. Big shot city mice at Nintendo can’t expect common folk like myself to know any better. Duracell and Energizer are all I’ve ever known and I re- fuse to apologize for that. I’ll admit it: Regular batteries are a little bit beyond my skill level. So throwing new-age bullshit my way on top of that seems pretty effed up. Invest more money by Jacob Johnson Photo by Willamina Groething in public school science programs and we can talk. Until then, get out of my fridge At approximately 12:47 pm this Wednes- disaster struck. where I, a classic American, keep my bat- day afternoon, local UChicago first-years Preceded by a simultaneous “excuse teries because I truly don’t understand Timothy Burnside and Felix Gardner me” (indicating that this was in fact Chi- them. became locked in a stunning display of cago and not New York), Burnside moved Let me spew nonsense about ionization over-politeness mixed with sheer incom- to his left to give Gardner room, while and feel good about myself whenI take petence. According to reports, Burnside Gardner moved to his right. Seeing that the time to find the cardboard box for and Gardner had approached the slightly Gardner’s right was Burnside’s left, the recycling batteries at my local elementa- narrow pathway leading from near Cobb two were face-to-face once again, their ry school. No one wants to have a green hall to the Regenstein Library from oppo- positioning predicament still unresolved. thumb more than I do, but I will throw site directions. Both appeared to be preoc- To correct this, after a synchronized “my away packs of batteries into the ocean if cupied, likely texting that cute girl from bad,” Gardner and Burnside each shifted you corporate pigs hiding like sheep in their respective Sosc classes with whom to the opposite side from where they had the recesses of Silicon Valley continue to neither had any remote chance. As a re- just stood, which unsurprisingly did little threaten my incredibly delicate sense of sult, neither man appeared to look up and to improve the situation. The deadlock re- battery understanding. notice the other’s approach until a colli- mained. sion was near-imminent. At this moment, See TRAFFIC on page 2 IN THIS ISSUE... Saieh Naughty Epic SMOTHERED TRUMP BATTLE page 3 page 4 page 7 Meats Carbs OPINION: IF YOU EAT PROSCIUTTO, YOU ARE

CRESCAT RUMOR, VITA EXCOLATUR NO LONGER A MEMBER OF THE PROLETARIAT EDITORS-IN-CHIEF by Nico Aldape Jacob Levin The current state of our may seem perfectly rational That being said, they prob- Teddy Zamborsky capitalist system is dire. We to pay up to 6 dollars for 5 ably eat large amounts of MANAGING EDITOR need everyone we can to turn slices of dry-cured, thinly caviar too. Caviar is just Daniel Ruttenberg back the rising tide of the sliced deliciousness that fish eggs. Why can’t you neo-fascist, white suprema- you’ll likely devour in one just eat normal chicken LAYOUT EDITOR Breck Radulovic cist bourgeoisie. We need to munchie sitting rather than eggs like everybody else? It hold ourselves to action to on sandwiches. We all want seems like more energy to COPY EDITOR support the revolution, not new culinary experiences. extract them. If they were Nik Varley just ironically share com- However, there are new culi- any smaller, they’d be practi- PHOTO EDITOR munist memes and espouse nary experiences, and there’s cally microscopic. Prosciutto Willamina Groething treatises such as “lol @ capi- enabling the fancy bourgeoi- also comes sliced very thinly talism hahaha!!!!!!” In pur- sie “artisan” filth. They’re and is had in small doses. As SECRETARY suing the reasonable goal of eating prosciutto and fancy is truffle oil. As is saffron. David North a more equal society which cheese in the Ritz, and I’m What is with rich people and WEBMASTER has been bastardized and dis- crying onto the Kraft singles very small servings of food? Paul Alvez torted by many a dictator, I I’m eating on a Ritz cracker. Is the most necessary part FEATURED WRITERS have one core recommen- This mental image is all you of a bourgeoisie’s diet 5-7 Nico Aldape dation: If Marx heard you need to understand the hold servings of hors d’oeurves? I Ryan Fleishman were eating prosciutto, he the bourgeoisie has over have no idea how they have Jacob Johnson would turn in his grave and global capital. When they are so much time to oppress the Dan Lastres ban you from the proletariat. not busy oppressing, what proletariat with such minor Thomas Noriega Phillip O’Sullivan As I will explain, eating pro- do you think the bourgeoisie amounts of finger food. I Antonia Salisbury sciutto and the proletariat are are doing? Twiddling their don’t have the answers to Christopher Walker mutually exclusive. Just as thumbs and eating prosciut- any of these questions, but I Religion is the opiate of the to, whether wrapped around do know that if you eat pro- MEETINGS masses, prosciutto is the opi- cheese, topping a sandwich, sciutto, the revolution don’t Sundays at 7 p.m. in Harper 145 ate of the bourgeoisie. Do on bruschetta, digested in need you. WEBSITE not fall into this trap or you the same mouth that spews chicagoshadydealer.com will become one of them. It anti-proletariat hatred.

SUBMISSIONS TRAFFIC from [email protected] page 1 DISCLAIMER This went on for several have been cool if it weren’t so UCPD had arrived on the Have the fangs of our prose pierced you? minutes, during which a dumb.” scene and were able to care- Does your blood boil with anger, or just the battle of wits had quickly By this time, a sizable crowd fully separate both students, regular kind of boil? Are you plotting your of students remained backed who agreed to plan their fu- revenge? Think of how little it would mean, ensued with Burnside trying to spill our blood, to chew our flesh. Think to anticipate where Gardner up behind the two, unable to ture schedules so there would of how meaningless all our lives are, bottle would next position himself, pass due to the standoff tak- be no chance of ever crossing the anger up, then go home and drink the and vice-versa. Occasionally, ing place. Simply walking paths with the other again. bottle. the two would stand com- around on the grass did not Upper-level university offi- META-DISCLAIMER appear to be a valid option, cials are looking into install- We apologize for the tenor of our disclaimer. pletely still, waiting to see We like you, or we really want to like you. what the other’s next move as, according to sources, the ing wider pathways in case We like the idea of you, and you shouldn’t would be, before eventually grass was “completely soaked a similar incident happens take our insinuations of bloodthirst to heart. giving up and moving simul- and kind of gross-looking.” in the future. On a related META-META-DISCLAIMER By this time, both Gardner note, a similar situation oc- To be clear, we stand by our stance. God is taneously once again. Both God and the river is swift and we don’t fuck- even resulted to basketball- and Burnside, visibly sweat- curred earlier this morning ing care. esque “juke” techniques, but ing from the sheer effort of at Northwestern Univer- to no avail. Their synchro- not being able to walk past sity, except instead of being nization was still perfect, someone, gave a synchro- blocked by another person, a which, according to an anon- nized and exhausted call for student found a large mirror 2 ymous observer, “would help. Within ten minutes, in his path. Meats Carbs WAFFLE HOUSE REPLACES SAIEH HALL FOR ECONOMICS by Breck Radulovic only 56% ex- Third-year James Leeman spoke to the pressed posi- Shady Dealer as he ordered his inaugural tive regard for plate waffles in the new dining establish- the Econom- ment. “As a Math Spec Econ major, I was ics program. pretty devastated when I heard that Saieh Thus, the dif- would be closing - almost as devastated ficult decision as I was when Clarke’s closed for good. was made to When I heard a new all-night diner would remove the be opening right in the heart of campus, I Econ depart- totally changed my mind.” ment from Graduate student Annie Nielson was Saieh Hall.” pleased by the new Waffle House because Archie Hol- of its employment opportunities. “Be- loway, re- cause of the delay with the Grad Student cently hired as Union, I’ve been struggling to pay bills. a manager at Waiting tables at Waffle House for $10.30 Photo by Willamina Groething Waffle House, an hour is the opportunity I’ve been look- University of Chicago President Robert anticipated the dining locale becoming ing for!” Zimmer announced the opening of Waffle an integral part of UChicago’s campus Zimmer expressed hope that the Econ House, a 24-hour diner chain, at 5757 culture. “Because we are a 24/7 joint, we department would continue to evolve S. University Ave. at a press conference hope to provide quiet corners in our res- in its former home. “In a changing 21st on Thursday. The building is the former taurant for soft, late-night crying accom- century, we must come to terms with the home of the Economics department at the panied by mediocre coffee and smothered fact that a theory-based economics pro- University. hash browns.” gram is not what students are looking for Citing wide-spread campus support for Zimmer noted that the University’s his- anymore. To compete with thriving econ a convenient, inexpensive, all-hours food tory of Economic excellence would still and finance departments at our peer insti- venue, Zimmer justified the decision to be honored in the building, colloquially tutions, UChicago Econ must change as renovate Saieh. “After the latest Campus known as “Moneychurch” due to its hall- well. Therefore, we hope to transition the Climate Survey, we found that 98% of the mark cathedral style. Milton Friedman’s Econ major to be based entirely in Waffle student body felt positively toward the Nobel Prize for Economics is framed and House food service. A quarter-long stint opening of a campus Waffle House, yet displayed in the Waffle House’s single-user as a fry cook will teach students much restroom. more than Econ 198 ever could.” University Completes 80-Year Burton-Judson Hyphenation Project by Thomas Noriega In a university-first event, our oldest lem-free unification. Coulter-Salisbury, hyphenate College Housing, Louis-David south-side dorm has been hyphenated currently composed of two non-adjacent merely winked, tongue-in-cheek. from the ground-up. After the runaway houses, will have a state-of-the-art High- At Burton-Judson, excitement wasn’t successes of super-houses Dodd-Mead Gothic fire-escape assembled in the B-J exactly sky-high. When put-upon by our and Linn-Mathews, the university has courtyard to facilitate travel. reporting team, first-year Math-Physics announced that, on day-one of the 2017- “We are excited to create a brand-new major Alexander Roche summed up the 2018 school year, newly-minted Maroons sense of house culture in our second-old- general attitude towards this ground- will be able to live in the brand-new hous- est dorm,” said Jean-Pierre Louis-David, breaking change: “Why?” A social-media es of Chamberlin-Vincent and Coulter- the graduate chairman of the joint Hous- campaign, “FFS” (Fix our Fucking Show- Salisbury. ing-Culture committee. “The current ers) has already begun among current B-J Utilizing the same revolutionary fire- six-house system was designed to re-unite residents, imploring the university to in- escape-based method of unification that students across house lines, and the four- vest housing funds into de-molding the linked the first two super-houses, Cham- house system will do the same.” When showers, rather than re-molding house berlin-Vincent will experience a prob- asked if there were already plans to further culture. 3 Surprises announcements WHITE HOUSE LEAKS: BANNON SENDS TRUMP TO BED, AND WITH NO DESSERT by Dan Lastres An internal memo leaked to the Chicago Shady Dealer by an anonymous White House insider says that President Trump was “sent to bed early for misbehaving,” and that Steven Bannon “did not even let him have dessert”. This marks the third time this week that the president’s antics and undisciplined tweeting have cost him his evening TV session. The memo went on to describe Bannon’s actions as “un- fair!” and “sad!” The memo doesn’t say what, specifical- ly, Trump did to lose his dessert and TV privileges. However, several white house sources have confirmed that the president’s habit of speaking his mind and acting without consulting his team are to blame. Presidents typically have a great deal of control over their own schedules, be they packed or leisurely. However, it seems that such control is negotiable when the president is “being naughty.” Many in the media have speculated over the degree of Photo by Willamina Groething influence chief strategist Bannon has over the president on key issues like domestic about how the president is being disci- the United States has been sent to bed ear- policy and military strategy. While the plined, Spicer spat on his shoe. “The presi- ly at least once a week since inauguration. memo doesn’t address these areas, it clear- dent is a grown man who eats fast food “The president was sent to bed for the ly indicates that when it comes to Trump’s and ice cream whenever he pleases”, Spicer 4th time this month last night” the memo bedtime, Bannon has the final say. bumbled “every night, he is hard at work, reads, “he’s spent the eveningwatching old The White House has not confirmed the working hard, and reading, and deal mak- Apprentice episodes under the covers.” authenticity of the leak and has ignored ing.” The memo goes on to state that Trump several requests for comment. When our A leaked internal memo from the secret still goes to bed early most nights because reporter asked press secretary Sean Spicer service stated that the 45th President of he’s a 71-year-old man. Markets in Disarray as Snapchat Shares Disappear After Ten Seconds by Christopher Walker This Friday, investors were sent into a kets?” trade disappearing shares as a joke, but it’s panic when it was discovered that all pur- “On the one hand, this is absolutely in- getting surprisingly popular. I’ve heard chased shares of Snap, Inc (SNAP) disap- sane, not to mention all kinds of illegal,” that some other companies are thinking of pear from the record 10 seconds after pur- lamented local high frequency trader John copying their strategy.” chase. Douché. “On the other hand, disappear- In related news, Samsung has issued a “We really wanted to do something dif- ing shares have created some interesting recall of all of its shares upon discovery ferent when we went public,” said Snap market dynamics. You don’t know what a that they have a tendency to catch fire and CEO Evan Spiegel. “So we thought, why rush feels like until 10% of your portfolio explode, which, according to market ex- not bring the same great experience that will vanish into thin air 10 seconds from perts, is simply too volatile a strategy to our customers love to the financial mar- now. At first I thought people would only succeed. 4 announcements SCIENTISTS 99% CERTAIN THAT OUR UNIVERSE IS JUST SOMEONE’S D&D CAMPAIGN by Jacob Johnson Following recent political developments, Voice 1: Okay. Fine. Roll for diplomacy. Voice 4: Wow. No fun at all. astrophysicists at MIT have re-calibrated Voice 2: What do I have to get? Voice 1: This is a realistic campaign, you the massive LIGO gravitational wave in- Voice 1: A twenty-five. guys! I’m tired of everyone taking it off terferometer to detect the possible in- Voice 2: That’s impossible with my stats! the rails, like last session when you guys tervention of an outside universe on our Wait, do my +2 Hands of Nimble Size give started two world wars. Hillary, roll. own, which has yielded surprising results. me a bonus here? *audible rolling of dice* Almost immediately, the interferometer Voice 1: They do not. Voice 3: Natural 1. Crap. began picking up signals within the fre- Voice 4: Putin is a politician. Can I assist Voice 2: HA! quency of the spoken word. Though the Donald with this? Voice 1: Oh, Jesus Christ. Not another signals were faint due to being extremely Voice 1: Yes, but there are going to be critical failure. Okay, um… Hillary, that far from their origin, scientists were able consequences. Okay, add five to whatever thing with your emails gets out of hand, to discern what appears to be intelligible Donald gets. and you somehow manage to lose the elec- conversation. After several months of this *audible rolling of dice* tion despite winning the popular vote. process, a complete transcript was pro- Voice 2: Natural twenty! Now the leader of this campaign’s free duced, which appears to contain a conver- Voice 3: Oh my god. world has no skill ranks in politics, and sation between four participants in a table- Voice 1: Roll again to confirm it. will probably screw up everything even top role-playing game bearing numerous *audible rolling of dice* worse than you guys already did. Every- similarities to Gary Gygax’s Dungeons and Voice 2: Another twenty! body make a perception of reality check to Dragons. The transcript, as it stands, reads Voice 3: You have got to be kidding me. keep from losing your minds. as follows: Voice 1: Okay. Wow. Despite all odds Voice 3: This is a load of bullshit! Voice 1: Okay. In these next couple of and running against many other more- Voice 1: Yep. It sure is. I had a really ex- years, there’s gonna be a presidential elec- qualified candidates, Donald wins the Re- citing campaign planned, where you guys tion. Hillary is running against this Jewish publican primary, but doesn’t seem to have were going to colonize space and stuff. man from Vermont, and- the support for the presidency. Hillary, You know what? Screw it. Who wants to Voice 2: Can I run? My character wants make a campaign check. go play Mario Kart instead? to run for president. Voice 3: I got a lot of campaign checks. All: WOO! Voice 1: Donald’s class is businessman, Voice 1: No, like, with the dice. You have At this point, the transmission appears not politician. You aren’t allowed to- to roll a two or higher to beat Donald. to cut off. Scientists are still unsure of the Voice 2: I took reality T.V. as a bonus Voice 2: No fair! This thing is rigged. origin of these messages, but can conclude feat. Voice 4: Aw, man. with 99% certainty that our universe is in- Voice 1: That’s not the same as politics. Voice 5: Kim Jong Un crafts 10,000 nu- deed the “campaign” of these strange be- Voice 2: Really? That’s a stupid rule. clear warheads. ings. If more whacky, vastly-improbable Voice 3: Come on, you’re always doing Voice 1: Does Kim Jong Un have that events take place in the near future, we this. Just let me get this election thing done much uranium in his inventory? will know the Dungeon Master and the so we can move on with the campaign. Voice 5: ...No. players are to blame. Voice 2: I want to run for president any- Voice 1: Then shut up and wait for your way. turn. University Administration Announces New Bullshit, Half Thought-Out Change With No Prior Consultation by Phillip O’Sullivan On October 27, 2016, John “Jay” Elli- “To all my critics I have one message: things to think them through? Of course son, Dean of Students in the College, an- fuck off! I’m the goddamn Dean of Stu- not! I don’t have to be bothered to think nounced his administration’s exciting new dents in the mother fucking College of things out in advance because I’m Dean bullshit, half-thought out changes with- the University of Chicago. Do you think I John ‘Jay’ Ellison goddammit and I’ll do out prior consultation with any parties. In give a flying fuck about what any you peo- whatever I damn well please. And you response to the widespread criticism and ple think? Did you see the goddamn let- know what? If I want to make some more questions, Dean Ellison offered only this ter I sent out this summer? Do you really ridiculous bullshit changes, I fucking will. response: think I give enough of a fuck about these Just you wait for my next fucking letter.” 5 Activism Celebrity PRESIDENT TRUMP HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO READ LIST OF BLACK FRIENDS by Reed Thurston In the wake of a turbulent and unnerv- which touched on the struggles of “black CNN stood to interject a question for ing transition of power, the newly-elected people of color in America, and in many, Trump regarding his ties with Russia, to President Donald Trump called an ‘ur- many other places,” before eventually which the President quickly retorted with, gent’ press hearing earlier this week to concluding that slavery was “a very, very “Watchu talkin’ bout, Willis?”, garnering allay the nation’s concerns by reciting a bad thing.” much laughter from the ‘paid’ section of ‘complete’ list of the new Commander in Trump then unrolled what appeared to the audience, while the reporter was es- Chief ’s closest black friends. be a large parchment scroll and began list- corted from the room by security. Before Hosting the event and welcoming press ing a number of African-American politi- opening the floor to questions from pre- representatives to a high-rise ballroom in- cians and millionaires with whom he had approved members of the press, Trump side Trump Tower was Emmy-nominated some feasible connections. However, the directed the audience’s attention to a full and visibly uncomfortable actor Idris Elba, newly-elected President’s credibility grad- jazz band accompaniment onstage, which who read a brief greeting from a tele- ually waned as he began to list such figures proceeded to deliver a brassy and enthusi- prompter before inviting Trump onstage as “George Jefferson, Harriett Tubman, astic performance of the theme from Fam- and promptly leaving the room. Taking and The L.A. Lakers.” ily Matters, while media representatives the podium and thanking “Mr. Cheadle” By the time Trump’s list had meandered were distributed gift baskets containing for hosting, Trump opened by giving a and digressed into a ranking of his favor- cologne, malt liquor, a copy of Jet maga- brief, semi-prepared introductory address ite Eddie Murphy films, a reporter from zine, and a pair of Nike Air Jordans. University Upgrades “No Barriers” Program To “Very Tall Ladders” by Christopher Walker Program This Friday, Dean Nondorf announced be barriers for many of our students that at risk of discrimination by law enforce- that the University’s “No Barriers” pro- we don’t have the institutional capacity ment, increased support for job and in- gram of replacing loans with grants for to remove, so we’ve decided to provide ternship assistance for students who are low-income students would be upgraded students with the tools they need to over- not citizens, a swiss army knife, a quickly to the “Very Tall Ladders Program.” come those barriers on their own,” said deployable “Make America Great Again” “Given recent developments, we’ve come President Zimmer. disguise, an actual ladder for “physical to the realization that there are going to The new program includes a legal sup- barriers,” and an emergency jetpack, “just port program to help students who are in case.” Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Gouges Chapstick with Chapstick Cap by Willamina Groething Sources confirmed Saturday evening her fingers off anyway. So that’s like 30% were not coordinated enough to ensure that area woman Megan McMahon drove of what she scraped out, probably,” said perfect cap to tube matching. The cap the cap of her Burt’s Bees Vanilla Bean restaurant patron Emilio Vasquez, seated instead encountered the chapstick both Moisturizing Lip Balm into the vanilla one table over from McMahon. off-center and at an angle, permanently bean moisturizing lip balm, leaving an “I couldn’t get it to spread evenly. It disfiguring the otherwise perfectly good irreparable fissure in the column of bees- stayed a little lumpy on my lips,” McMa- lip balm. The employee added that Mc- wax-based chapstick and a large clump of hon also admitted. “And I wasn’t done Mahon failed to retract the chapstick col- chapstick on the outside of the cap. eating, so when I wiped that spicy mayo umn prior to recapping, so she was basi- Eyewitnesses at Shinju Sushi on 53rd off my upper lip, yeah. I basically wasted cally asking for this to happen. Street testified that McMahon tried to sal- all that chapstick.” McMahon and her girlfriend, who fre- vage the externalized lump of lip balm by A Shinju employee who requested ano- quently borrows McMahon’s chapstick, spreading it with her finger onto her lips, nymity was watching McMahon’s table have asked for privacy following the trag- but was largely unsuccessful in minimiz- to ensure that only those who ordered the edy, but according to spokesperson and ing the waste, as her lips had been recently all-you-can-eat dinners were eating the roommate Katie Chen, Megan had been moisturized and the chapstick could not all-you-can-eat sushi. She said that she be- talking about how she didn’t like the va- be spread evenly over her mouth. lieves McMahon’s own negligence caused nilla bean flavor that much anyway, and “She tried not to waste it by spreading the accident. According to the employee, she only got it because CVS didn’t have it on her lips, but then she just wiped McMahon looked away as she replaced peppermint, so she’ll probably be okay. 6 the cap on her chapstick, and her hands Celebrity DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON LOSES WRESTLING MATCH TO JAMES “THE PAPER” THOMPSON

by Ryan Fleishman After a grueling No Holds Barred title match for the WWE World Interconti- nental Championship Belt, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson dropped lost his champi- onship belt to the rising superstar James “The Paper” Thompson. The match was reportedly a grueling affair, with The Rock trying desperately to hit The Pa- per with the same moves he used to crush Shane “The Scissors” Paulson last week at the Night of Champions. However, The Paper was able to narrowly avoid The Rock’s offensive onslaught and managed to cover The Rock for a 3-count and a pinfall victory. Unfortunately for The Pa- Photo by Willamina Groething per, The Scissor announced his intention to fight for the title at the earliest oppor- These three superstars have cycled the get along swimmingly,” said The Rock, tunity. “The Paper may cover The Rock, championship belt between each other The Paper, and The Scissors in a shoot in- but The Scissor will cut The Paper in half for years, but rumor has it they actually terview. at the next Sloppy Sandwich Slugfest,” are close friends outside of wrestling. “We Note: A shoot is a wrestling term to refer to announced The Scissor on an episode of fight each other in the ring every single events and/or interviews that are unscripted and Miz TV. pay-per-view, but behind the scenes we all break the false reality of the wrestling world Turning Point? Vanilla Ice Denounces Donald Trump! by Ryan Fleishman President Trump and his administration “Trump’s irresponsible actions in the pate. I should know. I played Mark Twain have conducted a veritable campaign of White House and calculated attacks on the in Adam Sandler’s summer blockbuster fear across American politics over the first Constitution are blowing my brain like a The Ridiculous Six,” said Vanilla Ice. three months of his presidency. Many poisonous mushroom.” People across the country are rallying people and celebrities protested against Vanilla Ice may be the perfect figure to behind Vanilla Ice’s message. “Hell yeah Trump’s actions, but nothing has changed. call Trump out; Ice has carved his path bro, ‘Ice Ice Baby’ is my freakin’ jam,” That is, until now. Vanilla Ice has officially through the real estate business since 1995. said local Trump supporter turned activ- denounced Donald Trump as a failure of a Let me tell you folks, Vanilla Ice isn’t just ist Chet Whiteman, one of the millions of president and a businessman. The Ameri- flipping houses in the Arctic. Donald may Trump supporters converting because of can public is rallying behind him. have hosted the Celebrity Apprentice, but Ice’s words. “I was all aboard the Trump That’s right. Vanilla Ice. Chilly Mc- Vanilla Ice created the hit television series train, choo choo, you know? But Vanilla Freeze, the lyrical assassin. America’s most The Vanilla Ice Project in which he per- Ice is freakin’ real, and Vanilla Ice is say- beloved ice-themed musical icon is taking sonally renovates houses in Palm Beach, ing Trump is bad, and I gotta believe him, a break from dropping bars to lay a cold Florida. Vanilla even published a real es- you know? Fuck, man. You got any crys- burn on the President himself. tate guide book in 2011 named Vanilla tal meth?” “Stop, collaborate and listen, Ice is back Ice Project – Real Estate Guide that he re- Vanilla Ice is a gifted wordsmith, ex- with a brand-new mission. And that mis- leased for free on his website http://www. pert real estate mogul, and sponsored jet sion is protecting the poor and helpless vanillaicerealestate.com entirely out of his ski racer. This man could do anything he from the tyrannical actions of Donald J. good grace. Move over, Art of The Deal! wanted. However, Vanilla Ice is spitting Trump,” said Vanilla Ice, whose hit single “Any government that opposes the me- icicles towards the errant U.S. president “Ice Ice Baby” became the first #1 hip hop dia, free speech and free will is a govern- and we are behind him every step of the single to top the Billboard charts in 1990. ment in which I am not willing to partici- way. 7 NEWS IN BRIEF

HOW TO AVOID EYE- flyers, loudly thank your parents for pay- Narvaez was seen purchasing a large tube CONTACT WITH STU- ing your tuition, forwarding your mail, of Bengay for his sore, sore hands. and, most importantly, conceiving you. DENTS RAISING MONEY Don’t want to chat with the ‘rents today? FOR CAUSES YOU SUP- STUDY FROM THE CEN- This also works in reverse. Let them TER FOR PRACTICAL PORT know your a little preoccupied saving the by Antonia Salisbury rain forest and making full-on eye contact WISDOM ASSERTS, Ever since Venmo ruined the “Sorry I with a new friend. “THIS WAS A COM- Don’t Carry Cash” thing for everybody, PLETE WASTE OF MON- not donating to charities you support has JOSE QUINTANA IN- EY” gotten really tough. But you’re not an VENTS REALLY FAST- by Dan Lastres asshole. You’re heart is in the right place A report published by the University of – you even put your “I voted!” sticker on BALL Chicago’s Center for Practical Wisdom your Nalgene. So avert your eyes, suppress by Ryan Fleishman declares that the Center for Practical your conscious, and let’s get going. After an intense research and develop- Wisdom is “a complete waste of money.” 1. You have personal business to attend ment period involving complex math- After considering the University’s shrink- to: Boy oh boy, you are busy today. You ematics and squiggly speed lines, White ing endowment, cost cutting, layoffs, and wish you had time to stop and talk about Sox All-Star pitcher José Quintana has big-budget architecture, scholars at the women’s rights, but jeez you’re all booked invented an entirely new baseball pitch center determined that their founding up. Look at your watch like you’ve got called the “really fastball.” investment of 2 million dollars “would somewhere to be and open up that stride. “I call it the really fastball because it’s a have been spent more wisely and more No time to waste! fastball, but even faster. A normal fastball practically anywhere else.” 2. There’s something in your eye: We’ve goes whoosh, but my really fastball goes Since its founding in June 2016, the Cen- all been there. There’s something in your neeaohhh,” said Quintana through an in- ter for Practical Wisdom has been tasked eye and you are completely oblivious to terpreter. Quintana proceeded to mime a with asking deep, probing questions everything around you. Negligence is the ball moving extremely fast with his hands considered too concrete for the Philoso- name and plausible deniability is the game. while making airplane sounds. phy department and too abstract for the Where are you walking? What’s Global “All of us pitchers in baseball have been Psychology department. This first-of- Warming? – you don’t know, you have throwing fastballs while thinking, ‘This is its-kind institution works by identify- something stuck in your eye. it. This is the fastest ball.’ But did they ever ing measurable examples of wisdom 3. Wear Birkenstocks: If you haven’t think to go even faster? I dared to break within an institution and its latest report caught on to this one yet, you need to start the limits. My really fastball is a level be- concluded that the Center for Practical picking up what the liberal media is put- yond a fastball. It is the fastest ball.” Wisdom is completely bereft of any. ting down. Wearing Birkenstocks means Quintana revealed his new creation at the “Paradoxically, the Center for Practi- never having to look anyone in the eye ever first game of Spring Training against the cal Wisdom is accomplishing its goal,” again. Keep your nose where it belongs:up Cincinnati Reds, where both teams agreed says director Patrick Howerbauche, “we in the air while you munch on those sun that it was extremely fast. Reports show wanted to scientifically isolate the factors dried kale chips. High and mighty never that, through the seven scoreless innings that constitute institutional wisdom, and tasted so much like twigs. Quintana pitched, fourteen of the Reds determining that this center was anything 4. Ask them to sign up for Green Peace: batters struck out on a really fastball. Fur- but wise and practical has been an impor- Don’t dish it if you can’t take it, PETA. thermore, upon striking out, each of these tant first step.” You think that you can make me feel batters said “Wow, that was a ridiculously “When you look at how much money bad about drinking milk and not sign up fast fastball.” was spent setting up this program,” says for my un-unsubscribable emailing list? Quintana refused to share the method he head researcher Penelope Koenigson, “it’s Think again. How about you put down uses for throwing the really fastball, but he pretty clear that we’re not getting much your VR slaughterhouse goggles and I’ll did hint that the technique is like throwing out of this other than prestige and pres- put my clipboard-hands up where you can a fastball, but better. Quintana credits his tige doesn’t pay the bills.” see them and we both back away slowly, inspiration for the really fastball to Sonic Other scholars at the Center for Practi- ok? the Hedgehog. While watching Sonic X cal Wisdom echoed Koenigson’s senti- 5. FaceTime your parents: Right your on Cartoon Network, Quintana thought ments by suggesting that more money be to himself, “I can pitch that,” and the rest wrongs with this simultaneously con- directed towards “literally anything else.” scious-cleansing and eye-averting chore. is history. While briskly pushing past outstretched At press time, White Sox catcher Omar 8