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The Toilet Paper A Knight's Atari special supplement from ChessSoc & GoSoc "There is a lot of rubbish written about toilet humour - people saying it is childish and pretending it is beneath them - but there is no doubting the effectiveness of a really good fart joke." - Adrian Edmondson. Irish, Chinese, black, Muslim, arts student, woman - we all poop. And when nature calls, it's nice to go somewhere nice to take said call. Since his first review of an NUIG toilet, your man on the can has received dozens of recommendations as to which toilets he should visit. Unfortunately, his low-fibre diet does not afford him the opportunity to review all of your suggestions. Therefore, we have enlisted the help of a number of deputy toilet reviewers from around the globe to help him cover more ground this festive season, like a bunch of little pooping Christmas elves, and they have all provided us with reviews in their mother tongue, because we're cool like that. Languages included are English, Finnish, German, Irish, Italian, Portuguese, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Theo has even provided a review in a little-known pidgin French dialect from high in the Pyrenees, so if it bears little resemblance to the French you may have studied in school, that is probably the reason. Defecation expert, Kevin, has even shared one of his trade secrets for improving your latrinal experience. Grace has deposited a sketch of a festively lovely, if impractically decorated toilet. And, as ever, we've included a few little puzzles to keep you entertained, while you are, for example, on the throne. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good shite! This month's competition requires you to submit an original piece of literotica of 500 words or less, before the end of December. Whoever manages to arouse our judges the most will receive €100. Email submissions to [email protected]. We would caution against recycling this publication in the obvious fashion. Toilet 202 This toilet is located at the back of the Physics department, just before you cross into the IT building. I appreciate the numbering of the toilets - it makes my titles less cumbersome. I do not know if 202 is a number is assigned by the university, or if it is some extremist Orwellian reference, or taken from the area code of Washington D.C. In any case, it is a little dark, and remains cool even in the depths of winter, but it was one of my favourite toilets yet. The reason for this is not the spaciousness of the place (unlike the jacks downstairs where I almost fell backwards into the toilet when I turned around to close the door of the cubicle), nor that the thick walls provide an effective sound-barrier in case one needs somewhere to go and cry in peace, nor even that there is a little ledge behind the toilet seat where you can set up your laptop to while away the time if you are content to sit back to front on the toilet or have bladder problems which force you to spend an inordinate length of time standing in front of the toilet. It occurs to me just now that there are no urinals in Toilet 202. I hate urinals. Anyway, the beauty of this latrine is not immediately apparent to the untrained eye. It is only when you sit yourself down and stare at the walls and think of happier times that you notice, hidden away in the gaps between the tiles, inscribed by hundreds of idle hands afforded a moment's respite from contemplative scratching, is a wealth of graffiti more enlightening than any degree you would receive from our fine university. The Book of Kells which those wankers in Trinity are charging €8 to view could not compare. And all you need to spend is a penny. "Sex is meaningful - don't give in to a culture of death", reads one piece. "I just made a little poo", reads another. Another, simply poetic; "Realise, real lies, real eyes." An uplifting message for when you're dealing with a particularly stubborn deposit nestles optimistically amongst religious ramblings; "Believe in yourself!" . Philosophical expositions on life. People asking for advice; "There's a rat in my kitchen - what do I do?", although, granted, no helpful suggestions were forthcoming. Contributions in the mother tongue - "Táim ag cacáil ort." The usual "Mark <3s Brian" that you could see in any old jacks around the country. Accusations that "such and such is a whore" - she's on the ChessSoc mailing list - would it be rude to email her and let her know? Bear in mind that there are some crazy ladies on that mailing list. I recognised a couple of other names which received some harsh criticism, but they were FEE members, so it was probably deserved. One of my favourites was a "If I catch you, I'll bend you over and fuck you like a bitch", except that someone had scribbled out the word "bitch", presumably because they deemed it offensive. Unbridled conversations leading to belittling misconstruances and a plaintive "That's not what I meant at all..." From the illegible "something something cabbage something for an something Tuesday something" to the incredible: "Murt loves tits and ass.", these comments all deserve to be read. I could only write so many of them on the scrap of toilet paper I could spare, so I suggest you all go and have a read for yourselves. Bring some loo paper with you. "A single-worded poem comprising four letters..." - Paul Simon Oíche dhorcha, ghruama a bhí ann agus an bháisteach ag titim ón spéir nuair a fuair mé féin i bhfad ó aon áit a d'aithin mé sa choláiste agus mé ag lorg leithris sách práinneach. Bhí mé díreach tar éis dul thar foirgneamh Naomh Anthony agus mar sin chás mé timpeall agus shiúl mé isteach. Bhuel tá mé ag rá leat, ní raibh mé istigh san fhoirgneamh seo ar feadh trí bliain ar a laghad. Fiú nuair a bhí mé ag déanamh síceolaíochta níor chaith mé mórán ama ann agus ní raibh clú dá laghad agam cén áit sa diabhal a raibh na leithris. Chun an scéal a dhéanamh níos measa ní raibh treoracha in aon áit chun cabhair a thabhairt dom. Anois táim cinnte go raibh treoracha in áit éigin ach i mo dheifir agus sa dorchadas ní fhaca mé iad. Chun scéal gearr a dhéanamh d’úrscéal chaith mé timpeall cúig nóiméad déag ag ritheadh timpeall an fhoirgnimh sin ag lorg na leithris. Bheadh sé níos tapúla dom siúl go dtí Áras Moyola nó an foirgneamh nua innealtóireachta ach níor smaoinigh mé ar sin ag an am. Cheap mé uaireanta go raibh mé i gceann de na scrúdaithe síceolaíochta sin nuair a bhíonn luch i lúbra agus bíonn air an bia a fháil. Faoi dheireadh fuair mé an doras ceart, ceann a bhí mé tar éis siúl thart air ar a laghad dhá uair cheana, rith mé isteach, shuí mé síos agus lig mé leis. Tar éis píosa d'ardaigh mé mo cheann agus bhreathnaigh mé timpeall an tseomra. Leis an fhírinne a rá níl mórán le rá faoi; tá sé beag, tá sé dorcha (ag an am bhí leath de na soilse briste - bhí an t-ádh orm anseo, rinne sé jab i bhfad níos fusa den léirmheas seo), ach ar a laghad bhí sé glan. I mo thuairim mar léirmheastóir; “ní uafásach atá sé ach ní fiú siúlóid cúig nóiméad atá sé”. Help John find his way to the john: Vessakatsaus (kirjaston alaiset käytävät) Toilet review in Finnish (corridors beneath library) Joulutervehdykset lukutaitoisille. Ennen kuin päätän vaihtojaksoni täällä, jätänpä 1-2 mahdolliselle lukijalle hyödyllistä tietoa miesten käymälöistä opistolla. Kyseinen vessa sijaitsee kirjaston ja ruokalan yhdistävällä käytävällä, joka jää helposti uudelta opiskelijalta huomaamatta. Ovessa on loki säännöllisistä hygieniatarkastuksista ja paikat ovatkin verrattain siistejä. Tämä on opiston vessoista tilavin: Yksi iso pisoaari lukollisessa kopissa ja noin seitsemän vastakkaisella seinällä, melkoinen ylilyönti ottaen huomioon käyttäjien vähyyden. Kunnon vessakoppeja on neljä, joista vähintään kaksi on aina epäkunnossa. Teknologian kanssa on muutenkin ongelmia: koukut takeille ja repuille on revitty irti joka kopissa, paperia ja saippuaa löytyy parhaimmillaan satunnaisesti, hanat ja kuivaimet aktivoituvat ilmeisesti karman ja taivaallisten kappaleiden vaikutuksesta. Pönttöjen yllä on kaksivaihteisten vetovipujen lisäksi vedensäästölaitteen nappi, joka mukamas säästää vettä jos sitä painetaan vessan vetämisen aikana. En havainnut minkäänlaista vaikutusta, ja netistä ei löytynyt mitään tietoa laitteen valmistajasta. Mitä luultavimmin viritelmä on jonkin sosiologia ”tieteilijän” ihmiskoe. Sisustus on vessassa tylsän kliininen, joskin sen surkeiden viritelmien ihmetteleminen tuo kokemukseen intoa. Kiireisille en tätä paikkaa suosittele, hommien hoitaminen vaatii laitteiston valinnaisesta toiminnasta johtuen kärsivällisyyttä. Puhelimeni toimi maanalaisuudesta huolimatta, muttei kyennyt yhdistämään opiston wifi-verkkoon. Tämä tästä – annan loukulle säälistä kolme vessaa viidestä, en kuitenkaan törmännyt mihinkään ylitsepääsemättömään ja laitoksen standardit on pidettävä mielessä. Finnish translation aids highly relevant to the article: Perkele – The original name of the mythological Finnish thunder god. Often invoked as a curse, a war cry, or just as a manly word to use in general. Joulupukki – Literally “Christmas goat”, but it’s the word for Santa Claus. Saippuakauppias – A soap merchant, sometimes used in the context of “Snake oil salesman” This word is known for being the longest palindrome. To pronounce Finnish words, the basic rule is to use Latin-based (not English) phonetic values for letters, and make a distinction between long and short vowels and consonants. (f.ex. Laki (law) and Lakki (cap) are different sounding words that should be easily distinguished.) Me han pedido que escriba sobre mi experiencia acerca de los servicios in la Universidad.
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