TILL DEATH DO US PART By
Nerys John
Copyright (c) Nerys John [email protected] TILL DEATH DO US PART
FADE IN:
EXT. SWANKY OFFICE BUILDING - DAY PAUL, a banker, exits the building and waves to his colleagues as he enters the car park. He has a light Essex accent. PAUL Great day today, another great day tomorrow!
He climbs into his sports car. COLLEAGUE #1 Is he serious? He’s lost millions this week!
COLLEAGUE #2 Idiot. The top starts lifting back off the roof of car. Halfway across it suddenly stops.
PAUL What the... He presses the button repeatedly, but the roof does not move. Then he gets out and tries to move it manually, to no avail. There is no one there to help him. PAUL Right. He climbs back in his car and pulls the mirror down. He becomes absorbed in his own appearance. PAUL Yeah, baby! He puts on his sunglasses, starts the engine and pulls away.
EXT. CASINO - DAY Paul pulls up and climbs out his car. He throws his car keys to the valet, who is staring at his car, then he enters. 2.
INT. CASINO - DAY Paul walks up to the bar and greets best-friend and fellow banker, CHRIS. Chris has an Essex accent.
PAUL Chris, me old mucker! CHRIS Paul-o! Good day?
PAUL Always a good day and I’m feeling lucky tonight! Paul’s mobile rings. He glances at it briefly, then silences it. CHRIS Trouble and strife? PAUL You know it! What you drinking? CHRIS Vodka martini - shaken, not stirred.
PAUL Very nice, very nice. Let’s get the drinks in and get the night going!
LATER ON - NIGHT Paul and Chris are laughing as they head to play roulette. They each have a scantily clad blond woman on their arm. CHRIS And today I made a million! FEMALE #1 Wow! A million? In one day? CHRIS That’s right, babe. And that’s just a standard day for me! FEMALE #2 Do you make money like that too?
PAUL Sure I do! FEMALE #2 Wow! 3.
PAUL I know! FEMALE #1 I bet you must have an amazing car! They stop walking. CHRIS You have to see it to believe it! FEMALE #1 Wow! Chris swings her back in his arms and kisses her, then returns her to standing. FEMALE #2 And how about you? Do you have an amazing car?
PAUL You betcha! Paul swings her back in his arms and kisses her, then tries to return her to standing, but loses his grip and drops her. Chris and Female #1 laugh as Paul moves quickly to help her up. They resume their walk.
FEMALE #1 And what about your house? CHRIS My house? My house! You’d love my house. FEMALE #1 Really? Would I? CHRIS Oh yeah. 6 bedrooms. FEMALE #1 Wow! CHRIS 4 bathrooms. FEMALE #1 Really? 4.
CHRIS And let me tell you about... the bedroom.
Female #1 whimpers slightly as Chris moves round to face her. FEMALE #1 The bedroom?
Chris moves closer to speak in her ear. FEMALE #1 Wow! FEMALE #2 What’s your house like? PAUL My house? Oh yeah, you’d love it. Maybe I could take you to see it... later.
Female #1 and Female #2 look at each other and laugh excitedly. They clap their hands and take their seats at the roulette table. Paul’s mobile rings again. He quickly silences it. He and Chris exchange knowing looks.
They sit beside the girls. LATER ON... Paul and Chris are playing roulette with their lady friends draped around them. They all cheer as they win. CHRIS You know what I need next? A good luck kiss.
Chris points to his cheek and Female #1 kisses him obligingly. PAUL You now what? I think I need a good luck kiss too!
Paul also points to his cheek and Female #2 obligingly kisses him. Her lipstick leaves a mark on his cheek. He is oblivious. CHRIS I’m gonna go for red 18! He winks at Female #1. 5.
PAUL And I shall go for black 18! He tries to wink at Female #2, but it is more of a grimace.
They all clink their glasses together and drink as the wheel spins. LATER ON... Paul and Chris are laughing with Female #1 and Female #2 as the waitress refills their glasses. CHRIS Babe, you bring me so much good luck, I’m gonna play big this time.
FEMALE #1 Play big? How big? Chris shows her his chips.
CHRIS This big, babe. And if we win, you can choose my new bed. FEMALE #1 Alright!
CHRIS How old are you? FEMALE #1 22. CHRIS What a great number. PAUL That is a great number. CHRIS And your natural hair colour? FEMALE #1 Brown. CHRIS Let’s say black - black 22 it is! FEMALE #1 OK! Chris plays and they all watch avidly as the wheel spins. The ball lands on black 22. 6.
FEMALE #1 Oh my God! Wow! CHRIS Yeah, baby!
PAUL Nice one! Chris is handed his winnings. CHRIS That’s what I’m talking about! Chris and Female #1 kiss. PAUL OK, my turn now. I’m gonna play big! FEMALE #2 Really? How big? PAUL This big! Paul pushes all his chips forward. CHRIS Woah! Mate. Is that a good idea?
PAUL Sure, mate! We’re on a winning streak! I’m so hot right now I might start a fire! Babe, if we win this, you can choose my new yacht! FEMALE #2 OK!
PAUL So, sugar lips, how old are you? FEMALE #2 I’m 25.
PAUL 25? CHRIS That’s no 22!
PAUL That’s no 22. Er, right. 25 then. And what’s your natural hair colour? 7.
FEMALE #2 Red. PAUL Red! Really?
CHRIS Really? Oh, I suppose if you look closely... Paul leans in to speak in Chris’ ear.
PAUL She better be good in bed. CHRIS I agree mate.
PAUL Right. Er, so it’s red 25. CHRIS Red 25?
PAUL Yup! Red 25 it is! Paul places his bet and they all watch as the wheel spins. It lands on black 24. Paul’s jaw hits the floor.
LATER ON... Paul exits the casino and hands the valet his ticket. He begins pacing up and down. His shirt has come untucked and he now looks dishevelled. Chris joins him.
CHRIS Are you OK, mate? Look, it’s not so bad! Let’s not keep the ladies waiting.
PAUL Oh no, I’m in trouble. I’m in trouble. CHRIS How bad?
PAUL Oh, it’s bad. That was - fuck! CHRIS What? You have more money, right?
PAUL No. No, I don’t. That was all I have. And more. 8.
CHRIS What? PAUL That’s it. I’m cleared out. I can’t pay the mortgage. CHRIS That was your mortgage repayment? OK, don’t sweat it.
PAUL Again. CHRIS Again? What do you mean again? Are you behind? Paul nods. CHRIS Far behind?
Paul nods. CHRIS Look, it’s fine, I can give you it.
Paul shuffles uncomfortably. CHRIS What? Is there more?
Paul nods. CHRIS What about Nina? Can she help? PAUL She already did. I just thought... CHRIS What?
PAUL I thought I could win it back. CHRIS Was that her money too?
Paul nods. CHRIS Shit. OK, I can sort you out. Look, it’s not like you’re gonna have the bailiffs round- 9.
Chris catches Paul’s eye. CHRIS Have you had the bailiffs round?
Paul shifts uncomfortably again. CHRIS Mate! How’s it got so bad? I thought you were always winning.
PAUL I was, I just... I thought I could win more. Maybe I could win it back!
Paul moves to re-enter the casino. Chris blocks his path. CHRIS Mate! The valet pulls up with Paul’s car.
CHRIS What happened to your car? PAUL I have to go.
Paul takes his car keys and climbs in. He revs the engine, as if to drive off quickly, but then pulls away slowly.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY An extremely ostentatious house on the Thames. Everything that can be added to the house has been. There are statues, a fountain, a conservatory, electric gates. Paul pulls up on the gravel driveway beside girlfriend, NINA’S, car. There are a mountain of packed designer bags outside the front door. Paul exits his car and stops beside them. PAUL She’s kicking me out! Nina exits the house. She wears bright red lipstick and speaks with an Essex accent. PAUL This is my house! NINA No it’s not! This is the bank’s house! 10.
PAUL But- but- I live here! NINA For now- what the hell happened to the car? PAUL You can’t kick me out!
NINA What? You idiot! You think I can be arsed with kicking you out? This is the bank’s house and they’re gonna take it back! I’m leaving you!
Nina begins packing her car. PAUL But... Wait. No! Don’t leave me! Where are you gonna go?
NINA I met someone else. PAUL What? Who? NINA Never you mind. PAUL You can’t be serious! NINA I can and I am. PAUL Who is he? NINA It’s none of your business - but I can tell you this: he’s rich enough that I won’t have to work, he has a housekeeper and we’re going to spend the summer on his yacht! How do you like that? PAUL But, I’m rich...
NINA Were, Paul. Were. 11.
PAUL Well maybe if you hadn’t spent it all-
NINA Oh yeah, I’m the problem! You sure it’s nothing to do with Chris and that casino you live in?
PAUL What? I don’t live in a casino! And what are you trying to say? Nina finishes packing the car and turns to face him.
NINA You have a gambling problem. PAUL What? No! I don’t have a gambling problem! NINA Goodbye Paul. Nina climbs in her car.
PAUL No! Nina! Don’t do this! Nina starts the engine and begins to drive away.
PAUL Nina! Nina! I’ll make it back! I can win it all back! Paul begins to chase Nina down the driveway and continues running as she disappears round the corner.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul trudges back along the driveway to the house. He now has massive sweat patches on his shirt. As he reaches his car he pauses to look at it. In a sudden burst of anger he kicks the car. His foot catches the wing mirror, which then falls off. PAUL Bollocks! 12.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul is pacing back and forth outside. He takes his mobile out and makes a call, pausing for a reply. When there is no answer he cries out in frustration and hangs up. He paces again, then makes another call, which also has no response, he cries out in frustration again and resumes his pacing. Then he tries again. PAUL (into phone) Nina! Nina. Darlin’. Why aren’t you answering your phone? We just need to talk, Nina. Just come back home and we can talk. We can sort this out. Nina... (hangs up) Paul looks around him helplessly. Then his anger returns. He takes his phone out again.
PAUL (into phone) Nina! That’s it! We’re finished! You think you can just dump me? Well I got news for you - I’m dumping you! Ha! (hangs up) As he hangs up he notices the time displayed on his phone. PAUL Shit!
He checks the time on his watch. PAUL Shit! Shit!
Paul jumps back in his car. He revs the engine and speeds off down the drive. In the distance he joins the main road and as he picks up speed the roof of his car is blown off. He makes an emergency stop, then gets out and runs back to collect the roof, which he then drags back to his car and deposits on the back seats. He sets off again.
EXT. SWANKY OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Paul screeches to a halt outside the building. He tries to find a parking space, but there are none available. Then he spots a free space on the other side of the road. He quickly parks there. He jumps out, then quickly inspects the damage to the roof mechanics. His appearance is increasingly dishevelled. 13.
PAUL Aagh! He runs his hands through his hair, then realises that he’s being watched. He turns on his heels and attempts to enter the building as cool as a cucumber.
INT. SWANKY OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Paul tries to sneak past the window of his boss, MARK’S, office. Mark is visible through the glass. He is on the phone and observes Paul’s actions with interest, but continues his conversation. Two of Paul’s colleague’s stop working to watch him.
COLLEAGUE #1 What is he doing? COLLEAGUE #2 What a tit.
Paul believes he has successfully snuck in and slopes off to his desk. His other colleagues are all busy. He sits down and relaxes slightly. He quickly switches on his computer, then the phone on his desk rings.
PAUL (into phone) Hello! Good morning! Yes, you’re right, of course. It is afternoon. Yes, absolutely. I’ll be right there. Bye. (hangs up) Paul runs both hands through his hair and turns back towards Mark’s office, where he is standing in the doorway. As Paul registers that he is watching, he tries to collect himself, then he walks over.
PAUL Mark! Paul offers his hand, which Mark ignores.
MARK Come on in, Paul. Paul nods and retracts his hand, then enters Mark’s office. 14.
INT. MARK’S OFFICE Mark follows Paul in and closes the door behind them.
MARK Take a seat, Paul. PAUL Thanks!
Paul picks up the chair and pretends to leave with it. Mark is walking round his desk. He stops to watch Paul. Paul sees Mark’s expression and stops. He returns the chair to its original place. PAUL Sorry. MARK Sit down, Paul. PAUL. Yeah. They sit. MARK Paul. PAUL Mark. Mark shoots Paul a look. Paul pretends to zip his mouth shut and laughs uneasily.
EXT. SWANKY OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Paul exits the building carrying a box with his things in. He crosses the car park and has begun to cross the road when he notices the wheel clamp on his car. He drops the box and rushes over. PAUL No no no!
He looks around for a traffic warden or someone to blame. He shouts at the nearest person. PAUL Why me? Why?
Behind him a road sweeper passes and sweeps up his box. As the passerby reacts to his outburst he collects himself. 15.
PAUL Sorry. I... He runs his hands through his hair. Then he shakes his head and turns to pick up his box. On seeing that it has disappeared he whirls round, and round again. Then he starts looking for it. He stops a passerby. PAUL Have you seen my box?
INT. CLUB - NIGHT Chris is seated at the bar, sipping his drink. He has bright red lipstick on his collar. Paul approaches and takes a seat beside him. He has cleaned himself up and now looks presentable, but clearly has the weight of the world on his shoulders. CHRIS Mate. Tough day?
PAUL I need a drink. Chris reaches over the bar and grabs a glass which he then fills from his bottle of vodka and passes to Paul. PAUL Nina left me. CHRIS Oh, mate! PAUL Then I got fired. CHRIS No! PAUL After the roof came off my car and I lost the wing mirror.
CHRIS Mate! PAUL But before my car got clamped.
CHRIS (beat) Is that everything? 16.
PAUL Oh! And I lost all my money at the casino.
CHRIS And this all just happened today? PAUL Yup! Talk about a shit day.
CHRIS Well, tonight’s on me. PAUL Cheers mate.
Paul spots the lipstick on Chris’ collar. PAUL Looks like you’ve had a good day. Chris shifts uncomfortably.
CHRIS Yeah, new secretary. Look, I’ll lend you some money to get you sorted for now.
PAUL Cheers. I could do with getting my car back. CHRIS OK. We’ll do that first thing tomorrow. And Nina? Is she coming back? PAUL She’s met someone else.
Chris’ eyes bulge slightly. CHRIS Really? Do you know who?
PAUL Dunno. She did say someone rich. CHRIS Good looking?
PAUL What? CHRIS Oh mate, I’m sorry. 17.
PAUL It’s not like it’s your fault. CHRIS Er, yeah. Chris tries to hide the lipstick marks on his collar. CHRIS And what happened at work?
PAUL Mate, let’s just get pissed. CHRIS Oi! Bar girl! Get your fine arse over here! We need 2 shots of tequila - each - immediately! The bar girl is not impressed, but moves over and organises the tequila. Once it is ready Paul and Chris do a shot straight away.
Beside them two hotties appear. They are ROBERTA, who is strikingly beautiful, with waist-length brown hair, and CHARDONNAY, a beautiful blond. They stand behind Paul and wait for the bar girl. They watch Paul and Chris do their second shots, then Chris catches sight of them. He nudges Paul. CHRIS Ladies!
Paul turns round and gapes at Roberta’s legs. His eyes slowly rise to her chest, where he seems to lose himself. He dribbles slightly, then wipes his mouth and their eyes meet. Roberta is pleased by the attention. She and Chardonnay both speak with upper middle class accents. Chardonnay’s accent seems to falter periodically.
CHRIS Care to join us? ROBERTA Thank you.
CHARDONNAY Alright! ROBERTA Hello. I’m Roberta.
Paul makes an unintelligible response. ROBERTA Pardon? 18.
PAUL Hi. I’m Paul. CHARDONNAY Chardonnay. Roberta looks sideways at her. The boys don’t notice. CHRIS Chardonnay? You want a bottle?
CHARDONNAY No, that’s my name. I’m Chardonnay. CHRIS Oh! I’m Chris. It’s a pleasure to meet you. ROBERTA So, boys. What do you do?
PAUL Well- CHRIS We’re bankers.
ROBERTA Oh! How impressive. PAUL Thanks.
CHRIS So, Chardonnay. What can I get you to drink? Chris moves in immediately and puts his arm around Chardonnay. She leans in to him and turns to Roberta. CHARDONNAY What are we drinking tonight Roberta?
ROBERTA Champagne. CHARDONNAY Champagne!
CHRIS Excellent choice. Oi! Bar girl! A bottle of- 19.
ROBERTA Cristal. CHRIS Nice! OK, Cristal. You ladies obviously have very good taste. The bar girl rolls her eyes and prepares the Cristal. Paul is gawping at Roberta again.
ROBERTA Could we sit somewhere... more private? Paul eagerly stands, nearly knocking his bar stool over.
CHRIS Of course, let’s find somewhere we can all get to know each other better.
Chris takes the bottle from the bar girl. CHRIS That can go on my tab. Ladies, anything you want goes on my tab.
Chris winks at them. CHARDONNAY Ooh, thanks!
They move over to a booth table. Chardonnay sits with Chris and Roberta with Paul. SERIES OF SHOTS: A) They drink and laugh together.
B) Another bottle arrives at the table. They make a toast. C) They couple up and look cosy. D) Another bottle arrives.
E) Chris and Chardonnay begin kissing. Paul and Roberta quickly follow suit. F) They take a break and the girls head to the ladies.
As Roberta and Chardonnay exit the ladies. Roberta makes a beeline for Paul and drags him back to the toilets with her. 20.
When they exit Paul tucks his shirt back in and checks his trousers are done up, while Roberta straightens her dress out. They calmly head back to their table, where Chris is on top of Chardonnay.
Chardonnay notices their return and gets up to talk to Roberta. CHARDONNAY Hello!
ROBERTA Hello! CHRIS Let’s get some more drinks!
Paul and Chris head to the bar. Roberta and Chardonnay speak with cockney accents. CHARDONNAY Alright Shaz, how’s it going? ROBERTA Great, Chelle! I think he’s hooked!
CHARDONNAY Brilliant! I reckon mine is too and all! And they’re both loaded! ROBERTA Yeah, init, though! Your fella’s flashing the most cash though. CHARDONNAY Yeah, but he’s not as fit as your fella.
ROBERTA Yeah, but we’re in it for the money though, init? CHARDONNAY Course! But he’s well fit! AT THE BAR PAUL Mate! What a night! Chris, thanks so much for this, it’s just what the doctor ordered! CHRIS How was she? 21.
PAUL It’s gone from the worst day ever to the best night ever!
CHRIS How was she? PAUL She was filthy!
CHRIS Alright! I hope her friend is too! PAUL So much better than Nina.
CHRIS That wasn’t that hard though, was it? She was never good in the sack, really.
Paul is surprised for a moment, then shakes his head and continues. PAUL But they’re so classy. Roberta’s family have an estate in Gloucestershire. CHRIS Really? It’s those girls from boarding school, mate. They’ve been surrounded by lesbians for so many years they’re gagging for it when they get out! PAUL Yeah... But they are classy though, aren’t they? AT THE TABLE CHARDONNAY So how big’s his knob?
ROBERTA Chelle! (beat) It’s massive!
AT THE BAR PAUL She’s so fit. She could be a model. 22.
CHRIS She is fit. PAUL Your bird’s fit too. CHRIS Yeah, she is. She better be filthy too!
PAUL And they’re both rich girls. So I know she doesn’t need my money. CHRIS Just as well.
PAUL Yeah. And she’s so fit! Look at my bird! She’s so fit! CHRIS She is fit and she’s wealthy. Sounds perfect. PAUL Yeah... perfect. Do you think I should marry her? Chris nearly chokes on his drink. CHRIS Mate! What?
PAUL Do you think she’d marry me? CHRIS A commoner like you? Doubt it! I bet her dad wouldn’t allow it. PAUL Huh. But what if her dad didn’t know?
CHRIS Mate, are you really talking about marrying her? AT THE TABLE
ROBERTA Oh Chelle. Could you imagine if I married him? I’d be set for life! He’s totally taken in! 23.
CHARDONNAY He is, in’ he? ROBERTA Could you imagine me being his wife? All posh and that. CHARDONNAY You’d make him a very good wife. You could be a lady of leisure, init! ROBERTA Yeah! I could be a lady who lunches! And you and all! Would you marry your fella?
CHARDONNAY Ooh, yeah. If his knob’s as big as his wallet! AT THE BAR
PAUL You said it yourself: she’s perfect. Fit. Rich. Fit. What else do you need?
CHRIS You know, she might be exactly what you need. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
PAUL I am thinking what your thinking! She’ll save me from bankrupcy- CHRIS And look good on your arm! And she’s filthy! PAUL Think of the look on Nina’s face! CHRIS Mate. This might actually be a really good idea! PAUL Yeah?
CHRIS And when you get bored of her- PAUL When she starts to get old. 24.
CHRIS You could just divorce her and take half her money!
PAUL And the estate in Gloucestershire! CHRIS Yeah!
PAUL Yeah! They raise their glasses and laugh, then collect the girls’ drinks from the bar and head back to the table.
AT THE TABLE The boys arrive and deposit the drinks on the table. The girls suddenly speak with upper middle class accents again.
CHRIS Ladies! ROBERTA Thank you, gentlemen! CHRIS I think we should make a toast! PAUL Good idea! CHRIS To new acquaintances! PAUL May the acquaintance be long and fruitful! ROBERTA Yes! Cheers!
CHARDONNAY Cheers! They all drink, then Chris and Chardonnay wedge themselves into the corner for some alone time.
PAUL I mean it, you know. ROBERTA What exactly? 25.
PAUL I want this to be more than a one night thing.
ROBERTA You do? PAUL Yeah.
ROBERTA Me too. PAUL Good.
They kiss. PAUL I feel like we have this connection, you know?
ROBERTA Yes, I feel it too! PAUL I just never want to let you go!
ROBERTA So don’t! PAUL I know it sounds completely crazy, but... let’s run off to Vegas and get married! ROBERTA Really? You mean it?
PAUL Sure! Yeah! ROBERTA Are you sure that’s not just the drink talking- wait a minute. I mean, yeah! Let’s get married! CHARDONNAY What? Did I just hear that right? ROBERTA Yeah! We’re getting married! CHRIS Congratulations, mate! 26.
CHARDONNAY Oh my God! You’re getting married? Oh my God!
CHRIS This calls for more champagne! Chris tops up everyone’s glasses. CHRIS And another toast! CHARDONNAY Oh my God! When? When do you think you’ll-
PAUL Right now! ROBERTA Right now?
CHARDONNAY Right now? PAUL What do you say?
ROBERTA Wow! OK! CHRIS To the happy couple!
They all drink. CHARDONNAY But how? Nowhere will be open and you need to apply for the license- PAUL Vegas! CHARDONNAY Vegas? Really? ROBERTA Vegas, baby! CHRIS Let’s all go! ROBERTA Yes, that’s a fabulous idea! 27.
CHARDONNAY Can we really go right now? PAUL Yep! CHRIS Sure we can! Let’s drink up and go!
ROBERTA Oh my God! Is this really happening? CHARDONNAY Yeah! Oh my God I can’t believe it! CHRIS Drink up ladies! They knock back the remainder of their drinks, then exit.
SERIES OF SHOTS A) Roberta and Paul, and Chris and Chardonnay arrive at Heathrow. They stumble up to the counter to purchase tickets. The representative shakes her head. They each try to touch their nose and fail. B) They sit down and look bored. C) They approach the counter again more soberly and each successfully touches their nose and the representative nods. They make a celebratory cheer. D) They board a plane and drink champagne again. E) They arrive in Vegas and receive their marriage license. F) They are married by an Elvis impersonator. G) They fly home, drinking more champagne.
H) Paul and Roberta arrive back at Paul’s house. He carries her over the threshold and straight upstairs.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY
Paul pulls up and parks. His car roof has now been fixed. He then exits his car and approaches the house. He is wearing his work clothes. He makes a call. 28.
PAUL (into phone) Hi Chris! Yeah, things are good. Listen mate, I just wanted to say cheers for the money - I owe you one, big time! Well, hopefully she’ll cough up soon. Think we’ve been married long enough that we should pool our assets, you know? Yeah, I’ll definitely be able to pay you back then. No mate, I shouldn’t need any more. Anyway, I’m home now, so I better go. Cheers. Alright, bye mate. (hangs up)
INT. LIVING ROOM PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta is seated on the sofa. On the wall behind her there is a giant canvas print of Paul’s yacht: The Paul. She is sipping champagne and speaking on her mobile. She speaks with her cockney accent. ROBERTA (into phone) Yeah, it’s great, Chelle! This is the life for me! No, he has no idea. I haven’t spent too much so far, but I think we’ve been married long enough that I think it’s time for a bit of shopping! Yeah, you can come! I wonder if we can get a joint credit card... In the background the sound of the door opening is heard. ROBERTA (into phone) Chelle, I have to go. I’ll call you later. Bye! (hangs up) Roberta quickly picks up a glossy magazine and begins leafing through it casually. Paul enters. Roberta speaks with an upper middle class accent. PAUL Hi babe! ROBERTA Hello darling, how was your day? PAUL Busy! Always busy! 29.
ROBERTA I think you work too hard. Paul greets her with a kiss and sits beside her. PAUL I’m a workaholic though, aren’t I? It’s just what I do. ROBERTA Well, maybe we should book a little holiday. Maybe Italy? Then you can relax... Roberta begins rubbing Paul’s shoulders as Paul loosens his tie. PAUL That sounds wonderful. How was your day? ROBERTA Nice! Good. I had lunch with Chardonnay, which was lovely.
PAUL Did you go to the Ivy again? ROBERTA Always! You know it’s my fave... In fact I thought we could nip out there for dinner again tonight. PAUL Oh. Really? I mean, you wouldn’t mind going there twice in one day? ROBERTA No, not at all!
PAUL Oh, great... ROBERTA And I was thinking of doing some redecorating, what do you think? Paul gets up. ROBERTA Just make the place a little less of a bachelor pad. Paul runs his hands through his hair as his eye begins to twitch. 30.
PAUL Yeah, babe. That sounds great. Paul starts to head towards the stairs.
PAUL Oh yeah, I nearly forgot! We need to arrange an appointment at the bank so we can have a joint account.
ROBERTA Fabulous idea! PAUL I’ll call tomorrow. I’m just going to get changed. Paul exits and Roberta returns to browsing her magazine.
INT. THE IVY - NIGHT
Paul and Roberta are nearly finished eating. ROBERTA This is delicious! How’s yours?
PAUL It’s good, it’s good. Probably not as good as the lobster though!
ROBERTA Mmmm, absolutley divine! PAUL I didn’t know that was your favourite.
ROBERTA You have a lot to learn about me yet, darling. PAUL I do, I do. Roberta stops the Waiter, as he passes. ROBERTA Could we have a bottle of champagne - your finest, please? Paul runs his hands through his hair and whimpers slightly, then forces a smile. 31.
PAUL My wife really is a classy lady. ROBERTA Indeed I am. A classy lady for a classy man! Roberta leans across and kisses him. ROBERTA There’s a charity event in Mayfair next weekend I thought we could go to. It’s for a children’s charity - such a noble cause.
PAUL Really? ROBERTA It’s black tie, of course.
PAUL Of course. ROBERTA And all my clothes are so last season I thought we could spend the day shopping tomorrow. PAUL Really? Um, that’s a great idea and I’d love to, of course, but um... I’ve already made plans- ROBERTA Oh, that’s fine! Any plans for Saturday?
PAUL Er... ROBERTA No?
PAUL Um, not that I can think of- ROBERTA So you’re free?
PAUL Wait! Chris! I said I’d go and help Chris... with his finances. He always needs my help with his financial planning. 32.
ROBERTA Oh, that’s so good of you! And what is it you’re doing tomorrow then?
PAUL I um... I’m seeing Chris, er... You know what? I think I’ve got my days mixed up!
ROBERTA OK, well don’t worry. Find out which day you’re free and we’ll go then. The Waiter returns and pours the champagne. Roberta raises her glass. ROBERTA To us. PAUL Us. They drink. PAUL And we really must sort out our bank account. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine, remember! ROBERTA How could I forget, darling? In fact we need to prioritise that, don’t we? PAUL Yes, we do!
ROBERTA Let’s get on the phone to the bank first thing and make our appointment!
PAUL Great! They finish eating. ROBERTA That was simply superb! PAUL Yes, very nice. 33.
ROBERTA I couldn’t eat another bite! PAUL Thank God! The Waiter clears their plates. ROBERTA Could we see the dessert menu? Thanks. PAUL But I thought you just said that you couldn’t eat another bite!
ROBERTA I’m just going to have a look! The Waiter returns and hands them each a menu. Paul declines his.
ROBERTA Oh my goodness me, what a selection! PAUL Darling, just remember your waistline. ROBERTA I’m sorry?
PAUL I said, just remember your waistline. It’s just that... Paul runs his hand through his hair.
PAUL I know how proud you are of your figure and you’re so beautiful, babe, I love you so much. Paul leans across and kisses her.
PAUL I just... Go ahead and order whatever you want! You’ll always look beautiful to me.
Roberta puts the menu down. PAUL Just... please, choose something. Or shall I choose something for you? How about this syllabub? Or, (MORE) 34.
PAUL (cont’d) um, the lemon mousse? That sounds delicious! Babe... ROBERTA I think I’d like the tarte au citron. PAUL Fantastic choice. Waiter!
The Waiter appears. PAUL Could we order one tarte au citron for the love of my life, please? WAITER Very good, sir. And something for you?
PAUL If you could just take my foot out of my mouth, that’d be great! Um... no, nothing for me, thanks. The Waiter leaves. There is an awkward silence.
PAUL So... Shopping tomorrow? ROBERTA Oh yes, let’s do that! But what about your plans? PAUL I’ll just cancel them. ROBERTA Oh, darling. Thank you. PAUL So when do you think we can go back to the estate in Gloucestershire to meet your parents? Roberta chokes slightly on her champagne. PAUL Are you OK? ROBERTA Of course! I’m fine! Just swallowed the wrong way.
Roberta continues coughing. 35.
The Waiter arrives with her dessert as she recovers herself. ROBERTA Oh gosh, doesn’t this look delightful? She immediately focuses her attention on eating. PAUL I mean, we’ve been married two weeks now I think we really should meet each other’s parents. ROBERTA Yes, let’s arrange to visit your parents! PAUL Well, sure, yes, we should do that. And it’s only fair that we meet your parents too.
ROBERTA Try some. PAUL What?
Roberta leans across and offers him some dessert. He shakes his head, so she returns her focus to eating. PAUL You know I sometimes think I’ve had enough of the fast paced, stressful life in London. Do you ever think about moving back there? There must be a spare wing we could-
Roberta begins choking on her dessert. PAUL Oh my God! Are you OK?
Roberta has turned purple. Paul rushes to her side and begins the Heimlich manoeuver. Another man, DOCTOR, rushes over. He is impossibly good-looking. Women around them swoon as he passes.
DOCTOR I’m a doctor! Stand aside! He pushes Paul aside and begins slapping Roberta on the back. The food is dislodged and she starts recovering herself. The Doctor puts his arm around her. 36.
DOCTOR OK now? Roberta nods.
DOCTOR You start with back slaps, you imbecile. PAUL What? I was just trying to save my wife’s life! DOCTOR Well, you weren’t doing it very well. It’s lucky I was here.
He hands a card to Roberta. DOCTOR Here’s my card. You should register at my practise.
PAUL We already have a doctor. DOCTOR Perhaps you do, but he isn’t me, now is he? I’ll take good care of you. Roberta smiles gratefully and the Doctor returns to his table.
PAUL Can you believe him? ROBERTA Let’s just get the bill.
The Waiter arrives with the bill, which he puts in front of Paul. ROBERTA Everything OK?
PAUL Of course it is. My love. He reaches into his wallet and eventually selects a card. He puts it down to pay.
The Waiter returns immediately to collect it. ROBERTA Should we register with him? 37.
PAUL What? With that doctor? No way! ROBERTA But he really knew what he was doing. PAUL What? No, he didn’t! Everyone knows you should use the heimlich manouvre if someone’s choking. ROBERTA But he said you should start with back slaps.
PAUL Yeah, he was just showing off. ROBERTA But it worked, didn’t it?
PAUL Lucky chance. The Waiter returns.
WAITER Excuse me, sir, I’m afraid your card has been declined. PAUL Declined? What? No. Try it again please. WAITER I’m afraid I was instructed to destroy the card.
The Waiter produces a large pair of scissors and snips his card in half. PAUL You can’t destroy my card - it’s my card!
WAITER Well, I’m afraid I had to follow the instructions given. PAUL Instructions? By who? WAITER By your bank. 38.
PAUL OK. Fine. Let’s use this one instead. He hands the Waiter a different card.
WAITER Thank you, sir. The Waiter disappears with the card.
ROBERTA What do you think the problem is? PAUL There’s no problem.
ROBERTA But the waiter cut up your card. PAUL Well, clearly there’s a problem.
ROBERTA I thought you just said there isn’t a problem. PAUL Well, there obviously must be a problem- with the bank. The Waiter re-appears. He shakes his head. WAITER I’m sorry, sir. Paul silently hands him another two cards. The Waiter leaves without another word. ROBERTA Did you just give him two cards? PAUL No! You know what? I’m going to call the bank. They’re in for a major bollocking right now, I can tell you! Paul leaves the table and heads off after the Waiter. CORNER OF THE ROOM
Paul makes a call. PAUL (into phone) Chris! Mate! I’m in trouble. I’m at the Ivy with Roberta - yes, (MORE) 39.
PAUL (cont’d) the Ivy. Yes, I know it’s expensive!
In the background the Waiter can be seen on the phone, cutting up a bank card. PAUL (into phone) Mate! I think I’m about to get busted. All my cards are declining. Yes, well I thought I was going to be OK, but I didn’t know my fancy new wife was going to bring me to the Ivy!
In the background the Waiter is cutting up the second bank card. PAUL (into phone) What am I gonna do? Oh yes! Yes, of course! Even if she does find out now, we’re already married - there’s nothing she can do! It’s till death do us part now, babe! Brilliant! Well, she won’t like it, but she was always gonna find out sooner or later. The Waiter is turning around to approach Paul again. PAUL (into phone) Right. I better go. Cheers mate! (hangs up) Paul takes a deep breath. He looks at the Waiter and opens his mouth as if to speak, then turns and makes a beeline for the table. PAUL Roberta, babe, listen. There’s been a massive balls up at the bank. I don’t know how they could have made a mistake like this, but they have. This one time, do you think we could pay on your card?
Roberta looks pale. ROBERTA Um, I... I don’t now if I... Roberta reaches for her bag. 40.
ROBERTA Darling, I don’t know if I have my purse.
Roberta turns the top of her bag away from Paul and pretends to rummage. Paul steps to the side so he can see. PAUL Ah! There it is, babe! I can see it!
ROBERTA You can? Oh. Oh, yes. Silly me. Roberta reluctantly hands over her card. Paul passes it to the Waiter.
WAITER Are we trying this one now, sir? PAUL Yes, please.
WAITER Very well, sir. The Waiter leaves with the card.
Paul has perked up a little. Roberta stares into the middle distance. PAUL Everything OK, babe?
ROBERTA Yes, of course, darling... PAUL You seem a bit...
ROBERTA Yes, it’s just. I think I’m just recovering. From the choking. PAUL Ah, yes. Well, babe, listen. I’m sorry about the problem with my bank. They’re gonna hear it from me good and proper tomorrow, just you wait-
The Waiter returns to the table and gives the card to Roberta. PAUL - and see... 41.
WAITER I’m afraid the card was declined. Paul’s jaw drops to the floor.
PAUL Babe, do you have another? Roberta shakes her head.
PAUL But, I thought... OK, let’s go to the cash point. You can get some cash, right? Roberta shakes her head again.
ROBERTA Could you get some cash? PAUL Er, no.
WAITER I’m afraid I’m going to have to call the manager now, sir.
Paul nods glumly.
EXT. THE IVY - NIGHT Paul, Roberta and Chris exit onto the street. Chris is unaware of the red lipstick smeared across his cheek. PAUL Mate, thanks so much for sorting that out.
CHRIS It’s no problem Paul-o. PAUL I can’t believe they made us wash the dishes for however long it was. ROBERTA An hour and a half. CHRIS Mate. That can’t have been fun. You make sure you give the bank the bollocking of a lifetime tomorrow! 42.
PAUL Oh yeah, I will. Don’t you worry! CHRIS And you too, Roberta! ROBERTA Uh, yeah. PAUL You still giving that secretary a good seeing to? Paul gestures to Chris’ cheek. CHRIS Er, yeah. Now, have you got your car? Are you OK to get home? PAUL Yeah, we’ve got the car, we’ll be fine. And thanks again, mate.
CHRIS That’s what friends are for! Night!
PAUL Night! ROBERTA Night!
Paul awkwardly puts his arm round Roberta and they walk to the car.
INT. PAUL’S CAR - NIGHT
They drive in silence. Roberta stares out the window. Paul shuffles uncomfortably as he drives and runs his hands through his hair periodically.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
They pull up outside the house and exit the car. Still in silence they move to enter the house. At the door Roberta suddenly notices a sign taped up. She stops to read it, then turns to Paul.
ROBERTA What is this? PAUL I, er- 43.
Paul takes the paper from Roberta and quickly reads over it. ROBERTA Is that from the bank? PAUL It’s a, er- ROBERTA Does it say repossession? PAUL It’s, er - ROBERTA Let me see that again- PAUL No! Paul holds it out of Roberta’s reach.
ROBERTA So what is it? PAUL Er... Roberta nods to herself, then shakes her head in disbelief. She pushes past him and enters the house.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Paul and Roberta enter. Paul takes his time locking the door and taking off his jacket. He stuffs the paper into his pocket. Roberta heads straight to the kitchen.
PAUL Quite a night, huh? He looks towards the kitchen for a reply, but when there is none he heads that way himself.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Roberta has poured herself more champagne from the open bottle on the counter and is taking a large gulp as Paul enters. They stand in silence for a moment.
ROBERTA Is there anything you want to tell me? 44.
PAUL Nope! ROBERTA Is there something funny? PAUL No. ROBERTA So what are you laughing at? PAUL I don’t know. ROBERTA Right. So why are you laughing? PAUL I’m not laughing. ROBERTA Ugh. Look, there’s obviously something going on. You need to tell me what it is - I’m your wife, after all.
PAUL No, there’s nothing going on. Babe, don’t you worry your pretty little head with this. ROBERTA I’m not stupid, Paul! PAUL I know you’re not stupid! You wouldn’t have got that degree from Oxford otherwise, would you?
ROBERTA Exactly. (beat) Paul. Are you broke?
PAUL What’s yours is mine, babe! ROBERTA What?
PAUL It’s just that if I’m broke, then you’re broke too - at least you would be if you weren’t loaded! Lucky that! 45.
ROBERTA What? Roberta glares at Paul for a moment, then shakes her head. She pours another glass and knocks it straight back. PAUL Can I have one of those? Roberta glares at him, then pointedly empties the bottle into her glass. PAUL OK then. Roberta takes another gulp.
ROBERTA So, let me get this straight. You’re broke. Have you always been?
Paul shrugs and nods. PAUL Well, actually, I wasn’t.
ROBERTA But you are now? PAUL Um. Sort of.
ROBERTA So, yes. PAUL That’s one way to look at it.
ROBERTA Did you know about this when we got married? PAUL Well, I thought I could turn things round! ROBERTA You liar! PAUL I’m not lying! And I’ve still been going to work every day! ROBERTA Have you? I’m not even sure whether to believe that! 46.
Paul looks awkward. ROBERTA You’ve lied about that too haven’t you? Paul shrugs. ROBERTA Argh! So every day you’ve gone out, letting me think you’ve gone to work - and where the hell have you been? Paul looks even more awkward.
ROBERTA I don’t believe it! So... Why did you marry me? PAUL Why did I marry you? What sort of question is that? Roberta starts walking towards him. ROBERTA Paul! Why did you marry me? Paul starts retreating. PAUL Why? Because I love you, babe.
ROBERTA You just said that I’m loaded. PAUL Yes. That’s right. You are.
ROBERTA Is that why you married me? PAUL Babe! No! How could you say that?
Paul edges round the breakfast bar. ROBERTA Argh! You liar!
Roberta throws her empty glass at him. He ducks and the glass smashes behind him. PAUL Babe! Babe! No! 47.
Roberta reaches for the empty bottle and throws that at him. He ducks again and the bottle smashes behind him. PAUL OK. I can see that you’re a little upset right now. Roberta has opened the cupboard and now begins grabbing anything to throw at him. He ducks again and starts moving towards the door. He continues to duck intermittently as Roberta throws the contents of the cupboard at him. PAUL Is it that time of the month? ROBERTA Aagh! PAUL You know, the more mess you make now, the more you’re going to need to clean up later.
ROBERTA You arsehole! PAUL You know, I think I might just go and see Chris; see how he is. You just take some time to calm down. ROBERTA I can’t believe I married you!
PAUL Love you too, babe! Bye! Paul exits as another plate smashes on the wall. The sound of the front door slamming is heard in the background.
EXT. CHRIS’ HOUSE - NIGHT An ostentatious house. There is a fountain and several statues. Nina’s car is parked outside. Paul pulls into the driveway and parks on the opposite side. He exits his vehicle and rings the doorbell, which plays an elaborate tune. He is oblivious to the other car. Chris answers the door. He is partially dressed and has red lipstick smeared all round his mouth. CHRIS Mate. 48.
PAUL Mate. CHRIS Er, mate, you should’ve called. PAUL Mate. She’s lost it. CHRIS What? PAUL She’s lost it. CHRIS Really? PAUL She’s trashing my house. CHRIS Is she on the blob? PAUL Probably.
CHRIS Mate. You need to get back there- Chris takes Paul’s shoulders and turns him around. Paul immediately spins back.
PAUL She- CHRIS Get back there-
Chris turns Paul again. CHRIS And show her who’s boss! Chris punches his palm meaningfully.
PAUL She knows, mate. CHRIS She knows?
PAUL She knows. 49.
CHRIS Everything? PAUL Everything. The whole plan- CHRIS Ah. (beat) Oh well, she was always gonna find out sooner or later! Chris begins walking Paul back to his car. PAUL I’ve had enough. It’s just so much hassle- CHRIS Yeah, well, you gave it your best shot.
PAUL But I’ve not got my money. They arrive at Paul’s car.
PAUL Her card didn’t work at dinner. Do you think she’s even got any? CHRIS Of course she does. You don’t speak that way unless you come from money. Just tell her to have her dad send some. PAUL Great idea! Maybe a couple of hundred thou? CHRIS Exactly. Paul looks across at Nina’s car.
PAUL You still giving that secretary the time of her life? CHRIS That’s right! PAUL Funny. Her car’s just like Nina’s. (beat) (MORE) 50.
PAUL (cont’d) OK. See you later! CHRIS See you! Paul jumps back in his car. Chris returns to the house as Paul drives away.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Paul arrives back at the house. He switches off the engine of his car part way down the drive and the car sidles the remainder to the front of the house. He exits and shuts the door quietly. He glances at the house self consciously. He does a double-take when he sees a figure at the window. When he looks again it has gone. He approaches the door and quietly unlocks the dead lock, then the yale lock. He tries to push the door open. It does not move.
PAUL What the...? He tries again. It does not move. He tries again. Nothing. Then he realises.
PAUL She’s bolted the door. She’s bolted the door! He kicks the door in frustraion.
PAUL Ow! Fuck! He hobbles away from the door and addresses the house.
PAUL Hey! This is my house! You can’t lock me out! He takes out his phone and dials. She doesn’t answer.
PAUL Fuck! He tries her again. PAUL (into phone) Roberta! You think you can just lock me out? You can’t! I’m coming in! (hangs up) 51.
PAUL Right! Paul moves to the house and begins climbing the drainpipe. He is nearly at the bedroom window when it begins to come loose. PAUL Wuh-oh!
He begins scrabbling at the windowsill. The drainpipe falls away from the house, as Paul manages to hang on to the windowsill with his finger tips. He dangles for a moment. PAUL Oh shit. He falls into the bushes underneath him. PAUL My ankle!
Roberta opens the door. She exits and assesses what has happened. PAUL Ow. ROBERTA You idiot. PAUL Babe. My ankle! She turns and re-enters the house again. PAUL Babe!
Paul remains lying in the bushes. The sound of several locks and bolts are heard. PAUL Babe?
Paul takes out his phone again. PAUL (into phone) Chris? I need some help. 52.
INT. KITCHEN, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta is cleaning up the mess from the night before when the door bell rings. She exits to the hallway to answer it.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta opens the door and Chardonnay enters. They speak in cockney accents. ROBERTA Chelle! CHARDONNAY Shaz! They hug. ROBERTA I can’t believe it!
CHARDONNAY I know, I can’t believe it neither. ROBERTA I s’pose maybe it was too good to be true. CHARDONNAY Yeah, I s’pose.
They exit to the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY
They enter and sit. CHARDONNAY So he knew he was broke and he strung you along that whole time.
ROBERTA I know. He’s such a liar! CHARDONNAY What a con artist!
ROBERTA Yeah, he’s a con artist, init. CHARDONNAY But he don’t know about you. 53.
ROBERTA No, he don’t know about me. He still thinks I’m this rich girl. Idiot!
CHARDONNAY What an idiot! But your card declined too. Didn’t he ask you about it?
ROBERTA Nope. But it’s my family that’s rich, remember. I never said I had any money. CHARDONNAY I s’pose. ROBERTA I was so taken in by him! CHARDONNAY So, he just married you for your money? ROBERTA Well, and for this.
She gestures to herself. CHARDONNAY What a conniving little-
ROBERTA Yeah, init? CHARDONNAY You have to get him back!
ROBERTA I don’t want him back! CHARDONNAY No, I mean, you have to get him back - you know, return the favour. ROBERTA How do you mean? CHARDONNAY You’re not just gonna let him get away with this are ya? ROBERTA No, definitely not! 54.
CHARDONNAY So, you need to get him back! Has he got a secret stash of cash somewhere?
ROBERTA No, I don’t think so. CHARDONNAY Hmmm. We have to think of something.
ROBERTA (beat) Have you heard from Chris since-
CHARDONNAY Nah. I’m not bothered. Look at all the hassle yours has turned out to be! ROBERTA And was he really- CHARDONNAY Smaller. Not even half as big as his wallet!
ROBERTA Paul gives him financial advise, you know. CHARDONNAY Never! His finances must be worse than Paul’s then! ROBERTA Yeah! Narrow escape if you ask me!
CHARDONNAY Yeah! (beat) Hmmm. Does he have life insurance?
ROBERTA Life insurance? Dunno. Why? Chardonnay laughs.
CHARDONNAY You could always kill him and clean up with the insurance money! Roberta laughs. Then they fall silent and look at each other. 55.
ROBERTA Nah. But I couldn’t really. Could I...?
CHARDONNY No, not really... ROBERTA But... That’d learn him, wouldn’t it?
CHARDONNAY That’d learn him! They fall silent again, deep in thought.
INT. THE STUDY, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta enters. She approaches the desk and sits. She taps the desk top nonchalantly. Then she opens the draw and peeks inside. Then another. And another. She spins round on the chair and her eyes come to rest on the filing cabinet behind her. She rises and begins rummaging through documents. After a moment she pulls a piece of paper out. She looks it over and smiles to herself.
She turns back to the desk and places the document down. Then she taps away on the computer. The text on screen reads: "How can I make murder look like suicide?" She smiles.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta exits from the kitchen carrying a block of butter in its wrapper. She ascends the stairs. From the top and working her way down, she begins greasing each step.
INT. KITCHEN, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta sits at the breakfast bar. Gazing out the window, she makes a call on her mobile. Her eyes come to rest on an axe stuck in a tree stump. She speaks with her upper middle class accent. ROBERTA (into phone) Darling, hi. It’s me. I’m OK, how are you? I miss you. I’m sorry about before. Yes, I’ve cleaned it all up. Will you come home? 56.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Paul enters through the front door. He is on crutches and his ankle is in a cast.
PAUL Babe! ROBERTA (O.S.) Up here!
Paul makes his way to the bottom of the stairs. PAUL Babe! Where are ya?
ROBERTA (O.S.) In the bedroom! PAUL Oh. Nice!
Paul begins to remove his clothes as he ascends the stairs. He struggles up the stairs. After a couple he slips slightly. PAUL Woah! He grips the banister. PAUL Babe, have you been cleaning?
Paul continues upstairs with caution and successfully reaches the top.
INT. BEDROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Paul and Roberta are in bed. ROBERTA It’s good to have you home.
PAUL It’s good to be home. Did you spend the whole time I was gone cleaning? ROBERTA There was some cleaning to do. Does the place look good? PAUL Yeah. Whatever you used on the stairs is a bit slippery though. (MORE) 57.
PAUL (cont’d) Don’t use that product again, could be dangerous.
ROBERTA Oh? PAUL Yeah, I slipped on the way up. Lucky I was at the bottom. I might’ve killed myself on them otherwise! ROBERTA Huh. Strange.
PAUL If I’d have been at the top I could’ve slipped and died! ROBERTA Hmm. I didn’t use a different product. PAUL Well, maybe you used too much then. Don’t you care I might’ve died? ROBERTA Of course I do, darling! In fact, let me go and sort them out now. You’re right, I may have used too much varnish. I wouldn’t want you to have an accident on them. Roberta gets up. ROBERTA I’ll be right back. She turns to leave and mutters something inaudible. PAUL What’s that, babe?
ROBERTA Nothing, darling. I’ll be right back. She exits. 58.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Roberta reaches the top of the stairs. She looks at the steps and sighs huffily. She tests the first step, which is not slippery, then the second and third, which seem suitably greased. ROBERTA Darling! Could you show me what you mean? They seem fine to me!
Paul hobbles over. ROBERTA Look.
She demonstrates the top step. PAUL Yeah, that looks OK. But how about this-
He tries the second step. In so doing he slips and tumbles down the staircase like a rag doll.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY
Roberta drives up to the house in Paul’s car. She stops and exits, then moves round the car to assist Paul. He now wears a neck brace. ROBERTA Let me help you, darling. PAUL Thanks, babe. I told you those stairs were slippery!
ROBERTA Yes darling, you did, didn’t you? She helps him as he hobbles to the front door and they enter the house.
INT. LIVING ROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta helps Paul into the room and across to the sofa. As Paul sits Roberta arranges the cushions for him. His mobile beeps and he pulls it from his pocket and reads a message. PAUL Oh, babe. I’m gonna have to go out. 59.
ROBERTA Oh no, already? Do you really? PAUL I’m afraid so. ROBERTA Needed at work? PAUL Er, yeah. You know how it is! They need me. ROBERTA Of course. But shouldn’t you take some time off to recover?
PAUL Babe, I’m a workaholic. I never take time off. ROBERTA Are you sure? PAUL I’m sure.
Paul tries to rise quickly. He gives Roberta a kiss on the cheek. PAUL See you later!
He exits. Roberta is bemused as she watches him leave. The sound of the front door closing is heard.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul exits and makes a quick call. PAUL (into phone) Chris, mate! How many girls? Fantastic! Save a blond for me!
INT. LIVING ROOM PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY
Roberta is standing at the window watching Paul. The window is open and she hears his conversation clearly. PAUL (O.S.) Yeah, I’m just getting in my car. Yes, I can drive - I’ll be fine! (MORE) 60.
PAUL (O.S.) (cont’d) I’ll see you by the roulette table.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul is unlocking his car. PAUL (into phone) Cool. Keep the fitty for me, I won’t be long! Bye! (hangs up) Paul climbs into his car and sets off down the driveway.
INT. LIVING ROOM PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta watches Paul dive away. As he disappears she turns back into the room. She returns to her cockney accent.
ROBERTA Alright then.
EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Paul drives erratically down the driveway, running over flowers and knocking over ornaments. He parks randomly and exits his car, leaving the door open. He stumbles and falls en route to the house, then crawls up the steps. He laughs to himself as he tries to find his keys. Suddenly the door opens. The steps are bathed in light from the hallway. A shadow falls across Paul. He looks up. Roberta stands in the doorway. She speaks with an upper middle class accent.
PAUL Babe! ROBERTA Hello darling.
PAUL I missed you, babe! ROBERTA Have you, by any chance, been drinking? Paul tries to stand himself up. 61.
PAUL Babe. I love you! ROBERTA How was work? Paul loses his balance and falls to the floor again. PAUL It was good. They just... they really need me, you know? I’m just... that good. A wet patch appears on Paul’s trousers. PAUL Oh! I needed to piss! Roberta continues to watch him, then she changes tack. ROBERTA Darling, let me help you.
PAUL Thanks babe. I love you, you know.
ROBERTA Yes, darling. She helps him up and they enter the house.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Roberta helps Paul shuffle through the hallway. They pause briefly while she decides what to do. PAUL Did you know that Paul without the ’l’ means dick in Portuguese? ROBERTA How ironic.
PAUL How cool is that? ROBERTA Yes, very cool.
PAUL But it’s pronounced ’pow’. Paul starts laughing to himself. 62.
PAUL Pow! Roberta takes him to the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Roberta is helping Paul across the room when she loses her grip and he falls. Paul is still laughing to himself.
PAUL Pow! Pow! Paul seems to happily settle himself on the floor. Roberta looks at the sofa, then at Paul.
PAUL Gimme some action, babe! ROBERTA What?
PAUL How about a quick blowie? ROBERTA Didn’t your blond sort you out?
PAUL No, she was frigid. Roberta is disgusted and exits the room for a moment. Paul looks ready to sleep. Roberta returns with a bottle in her hand. She stands over him. He seems oblivious to her presence. Then she leans down and rolls him onto his back. He is only semi-conscious. She opens the bottle and begins pouring its contents into Paul’s open mouth. He splutters slightly. She drenches Paul’s face and shirt and returns to pouring it into his mouth. Paul begins choking. Roberta throws her head back and laughs. The bottle is now empty. She sets it down on the coffee table and leaves Paul choking. She exits.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY The sound of Roberta singing is heard. She exits the bedroom and crosses the hallway. She comes skipping down the stairs and heads to the living room. 63.
INT. LIVING ROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta enters. Paul’s body is lying still on the floor. Roberta smiles and approaches. He is lying on his side. As she moves closer she notices his chest moving and her face falls. She moves round to look at his face. He is a bit dribbly, but appears to be alive. He remains asleep. ROBERTA What? How?
She stares at him. ROBERTA Aagh!
She storms out as he begins to snore loudly.
INT. BATHROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul is in a deep, bubbly bath. He rubs his head. Roberta is in the shower. ROBERTA How are you feeling now? PAUL Much better, babe. Much better. ROBERTA Good, I’m glad.
PAUL I’m sorry, I really don’t remember what happened last night. We had such a good day, some of the lads just wanted a pint after work... and I don’t really remember what happened after that. ROBERTA Maybe someone used the date rape drug on you.
PAUL Er, yeah. Maybe. Roberta steps out of the shower, wraps herself in a towel and exits.
PAUL Why use the towel, babe? Gimme a flash! 64.
ROBERTA (O.S.) Haven’t you seen enough of me already? PAUL I will never see enough of you! ROBERTA (O.S.) I’ve definitely seen enough of you.
PAUL What was that, babe? ROBERTA (O.S.) I’ll never see enough of you, either, darling! Roberta enters and they smile at each other. Roberta is dressed and holding her hair dryer. She switches it on and begins to dry her hair.
PAUL What d’ya fancy doing today? ROBERTA What was that?
Roberta steps closer. PAUL I said, what do you fancy doing today?
Roberta is looking at Paul in the bath, then she looks at her hairdryer. She steps closer again. ROBERTA Sorry, the hairdryer’s too noisy, I can’t hear you.
PAUL So, turn it off! ROBERTA What’s that? She steps closer again. PAUL Turn it off!
Roberta lowers the hairdryer, as if to turn it off. At the same time she takes another step closer and faux trips, falling forward and dropping the hairdryer into the bath. As the hairdryer falls it is pulled from the socket and the power is cut just before it hits the water. 65.
PAUL Woah! ROBERTA Argh! Paul and Roberta look at each other in shocked silence. PAUL That was close.
ROBERTA Yeah. PAUL I mean, my God, that could’ve killed me! ROBERTA My hairdryer! Roberta rises and fishes the hairdryer out of the water.
PAUL Roberta, that could’ve killed me! ROBERTA Yeah, well, it didn’t did it? PAUL But... ROBERTA I’m sorry. I just couldn’t hear you. I was trying to turn it off. Paul stares at her for a moment. Then he rises and wraps a towel round himself. He climbs out the bath and exits.
INT. BEDROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul is dressing. After a moment Roberta enters. She hovers by the bathroom door and watches him. Once finished he leaves the room. Roberta cranes her neck to watch him. He exits to the hallway, then enters the study.
INT. LIVING ROOM PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta is sitting on the sofa, talking on the phone. She speaks in a cockney accent, with a hushed voice. ROBERTA (into phone) Yeah - no. It came unplugged. I know! Yeah, stairs didn’t work. (MORE) 66.
ROBERTA (cont’d) Dunno, he’s in his study. But he’s gone all funny and quiet now. Hmm. Not sure, what do you think? Yeah? You reckon? I thought about taking him off on a lavish holiday, then drugging him and leaving him somewhere. Nah, I ain’t got the money though, init.
The sound of footsteps on the stairs is heard in the background. ROBERTA (into phone) Chelle, he’s coming now, I’ve got to go! Bye! (hangs up) Roberta quickly picks up a glossy magazine and begins leafing through, trying to look casual.
Paul is seen in the hallway in the background. He looks into the room and continues walking straight into the kitchen. Roberta realises he has passed by. She drops the magazine and heads after him.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Roberta enters. Paul is making a coffee. Roberta returns to an upper middle class accent. ROBERTA Hi. PAUL Hi. ROBERTA How are you feeling? PAUL OK. ROBERTA Should I make that for you? PAUL No, thanks. ROBERTA OK. Um, so what do you fancy doing today? 67.
PAUL Dunno. Let me have my coffee and I’ll have a think.
ROBERTA OK. Roberta sits at the breakfast bar and watches him make his coffee. Once he is done he stands opposite her.
ROBERTA Er, how about a day on the yacht? PAUL The yacht? Hmmm. Interesting.
ROBERTA Yeah. The Paul. PAUL Could do. Dunno.
ROBERTA Oh. PAUL Fancy a coffee?
ROBERTA Oh, yes please. Thanks. Paul turns to make Roberta’s coffee, then turns back to her with it.
ROBERTA Thanks. Suddenly there is a sound from the front door. They both turn to look in that direction. The sound of keys are heard in the lock and the door swings open. Nina enters. She drops some bags down and kicks the door shut behind her. Then she looks up and sees Paul and Roberta watching her in the kitchen. She approaches.
PAUL Er... NINA Paul. What’s going on?
Roberta gets up quickly and moves to challenge Nina. ROBERTA Who are you? 68.
NINA I might ask you the same question!
ROBERTA Who are you? NINA Who are you?
ROBERTA I asked you first. NINA I’m his girlfriend. Who are you?
Paul almost interjects, but is unable to get the words out. ROBERTA I’m his wife!
NINA Wife? ROBERTA Yeah, beat that!
NINA But I live here! ROBERTA Since when? I live here!
Paul steps back and leans on the counter. He sips his coffee. NINA But this is my house!
ROBERTA Well, I’m his wife, so I think you’ll find this is my house. NINA Well, I think you’ll find my name’s on the deeds. ROBERTA What?
NINA That’s right! My name’s on the deeds. 69.
ROBERTA But I’m his wife! What’s his is mine! Nina laughs.
NINA Great! So are you assuming responsibility for all his debts? ROBERTA What? NINA Oh, didn’t you know? He’s broke!
ROBERTA Of course I know! Maybe you didn’t hear me; I’m his wife! NINA Are you shouting at me now?
ROBERTA Why? Can’t you hear me? You need a hearing aid, darling. NINA How dare you! Nina lunges for Roberta, who grabs Nina by the hair. Nina then grabs Roberta’s hair. They remain locked in their positions, each pulling the other’s hair.
Paul chuckles to himself and continues drinking his coffee. The sound distracts Nina. NINA What are you so smug about? Roberta is also distracted and releases Nina. Nina releases Roberta and their attention turns to Paul.
Paul straightens up and starts looking uncomfortable. PAUL Er, nothing. NINA You spineless- ROBERTA Hey! Don’t you speak to my husband that way! I mean, who do you think you are coming in here like you own the place- 70.
NINA I do own the place. Nina aligns with Paul and turns to face Roberta. ROBERTA Well if you own the place you’re probably in for a bit of a shock as the bank’s about to take it back, so there! NINA Oh, I had no idea. Continue. Paul watches Nina uncertainly as she reaches out and picks up Roberta’s mug of coffee. Nina nods patronisingly as Roberta continues.
ROBERTA That’s right, sweetheart. No more little love nest for you! And any money my husband does have is mine by rights!
Nina throws her head back and laughs. NINA This is Paul we’re talking about! "Any money he does have..." Pure comedy!
Nina looks at Roberta and pointedly gulps down her coffee. ROBERTA You are not drinking my coffee!
Roberta moves forward and snatches the mug from Nina. Nina laughs momentarily, then suddenly stops. She falls to the ground. Roberta is startled. She looks from Nina to Paul and back again. Paul stares at Nina. ROBERTA What... Oh my God. Is she dead? PAUL I don’t know. ROBERTA Oh my God! Well, check Paul! Do something!
PAUL Er... Paul kneels down beside Nina. He doesn’t know what to do. 71.
ROBERTA Check for a pulse! PAUL Er...
Paul tries to find a pulse on the side of her neck. PAUL I can’t find a pulse.
ROBERTA Oh my God! She’s dead! Paul rises.
ROBERTA Paul! What do we do? PAUL I don’t know.
ROBERTA But we didn’t kill her! PAUL Er...
ROBERTA Let’s call the police! Roberta begins moving towards the phone. PAUL Wait! No! Er, look. Let’s just think for a moment. ROBERTA Think? About what?
PAUL Well, how does this look? ROBERTA I don’t know.
PAUL Look, you two were just fighting. Your DNA is probably all over her.
ROBERTA But I didn’t kill her! PAUL No I know, but does it look like you did? 72.
ROBERTA I... er, I don’t know. PAUL Think about it. It probably looks like you beat her to death! ROBERTA What? But how is that possible?
PAUL Babe, trust me. I know. Do you trust me? ROBERTA Well, yeah, but-
PAUL And you don’t want to go to prison, do you? ROBERTA No, but- PAUL So, let’s just think about what we can do to help you right now.
Roberta is flustered and Paul paces up and down while he formulates a plan. PAUL OK. Here’s what we’ll do. We need to dispose of the body. ROBERTA Dispose of the body? PAUL Yes, dispose of the body. Right now we just need to get it out of the way until we think of something more permanent. ROBERTA But I- PAUL Right. You grab her feet. ROBERTA What? Paul stoops down and picks Nina’s torso up. 73.
PAUL Grab her feet! Roberta cries a little as she does as Paul instructs.
They exit the kitchen with Nina.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY
Paul and Roberta cross the hallway carrying Nina. Paul drops her on the floor near a cupboard. Roberta still holds her feet. Paul opens the cupboard door and drags Nina inside. Roberta lets Nina’s feet go and Paul uses his feet to push her limbs inside, then he pushes the door to shut it. It doesn’t shut immediately, then an arm falls out through the gap. Roberta cries out. Paul stuffs it back into the cupboard and pushes hard to shut the door. He steps back and tries to catch his breath. Roberta stares at the cupboard in disbelief.
PAUL I need a drink! Paul turns and walks back to the kitchen. Roberta shuffles after him.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul enters and heads to the bar. He briskly pours himself a neat whiskey.
Roberta staggers in. Paul knocks back his whiskey and refills immediately. ROBERTA We can’t have killed her.
PAUL No, we didn’t. You, babe. You. ROBERTA Me? But I... I need a drink.
Roberta heads to the drinks cabinet and also pours a whiskey. She starts to knock it back, but is unaccustomed to it and begins coughing. ROBERTA Who is she, Paul? PAUL Was. 74.
ROBERTA Was. Who was she? PAUL Nobody. ROBERTA Nobody? She can’t have been nobody.
PAUL She was nobody. ROBERTA Well, why did this nobody have keys to our house? She said she was your girlfriend. PAUL She was my girlfriend. ROBERTA But you’re married to me! PAUL Yes, and she was my girlfriend. Was! She moved out before I met you! ROBERTA But why did she still have keys? And how come you never mentioned her to me?
PAUL What? Do I have to tell you everything now? ROBERTA Well, I think married couples are supposed to be honest with each other. PAUL And you’ve been honest with me, have you? ROBERTA Honest? Of course. It’s the foundation of any good marriage.
PAUL And you’d know, of course, wouldn’t you? 75.
ROBERTA What do you mean? PAUL Who are you?
ROBERTA What? What do you mean? PAUL I mean who are you?
ROBERTA I don’t understand. PAUL Oh, I think you do. ROBERTA No, really, I don’t! Paul laughs. He puts on a cockney accent.
PAUL "Alright Chelle? I thought about taking him off holiday and drugging him and leaving him somewhere, but I ain’t got the money though, init." Paul drops the accent. PAUL Sound familiar?
Roberta looks pale. PAUL You know, after the incident in the bathroom, where you tried to kill me I was suspicious, but I was more angry at your stupidity. I went to the study to cool off, get a bit of space, you know. And what did I find there?
INT. THE STUDY, PAUL’S HOUSE - FLASHBACK Paul enters. He runs his hands through his hair, then notices a document left on the desk.
PAUL (V.O.) I saw that you’d been snooping around in the study. He then looks at the filing cabinet and sees that it hasn’t been shut properly. 76.
PAUL (V.O.) Looking at my life insurance policy and I thought to myself, ’Why is she looking at that?’ And then I thought about the hairdryer in the bath. ’Surely not’, I said to myself. Paul sits at the desk and ponders things. Then he looks at the computer and clicks on the mouse. The screen lights up. He stares at the screen.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul stares hard at Roberta.
PAUL My wife. The love of my life. We’re supposed to be together forever. Till death do us part. And what do I find on the computer? "How can I make murder look like suicide?" Roberta turns away, visibly shaken.
PAUL How can I have been so taken in? When I left the study I could hear you on the phone.
INT. LANDING, PAUL’S HOUSE - FLASHBACK Paul exits the study and stands on the landing. Roberta’s tones can be heard on the phone, but what she is saying is indistinguishable. Paul listens, then returns to the study.
INT. THE STUDY, PAUL’S HOUSE - FLASHBACK Paul enters and moves to the desk quickly. He sits and carefully lifts the phone’s receiver.
PAUL (V.O.) So I thought I’d listen in. ROBERTA (V.O.) It came unplugged. I know! Yeah, stairs didn’t work. Dunno, he’s in his study... Paul sits back in his chair. He replaces the receiver. 77.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul and Roberta stare at each other. PAUL So. What happened to my rich wife? Roberta uses her cockney accent from hereon in. ROBERTA What happened to my rich wife? What happened to my rich husband? You’re making me out to be the villain, but I was just reacting to your lies, init!
Paul is disgusted. PAUL You’re just a common slag.
ROBERTA Slag?! Roberta throws her whiskey glass at him and misses. ROBERTA Slag?! PAUL A common slag! Roberta rushes to the kitchen and grabs the knife block. One by one she hurls each knife at Paul. They all miss. Paul is entertained by this and laughs. Roberta is incensed. She turns to the cupboards for ammunition, but the cupboard she chooses is bare from her last assault.
PAUL Out of ammo? Paul laughs at her again.
ROBERTA Argh! Roberta looks around for something else to throw at him. Out of the corner of her eye she spots something glinting in the garden. She turns to get a better look. Paul sees she’s spotted something and tries to look too. Then he realises, just as she realises: the axe. Roberta makes a start towards it. Paul runs round the breakfast bar and grabs her. She turns and knees him in the crotch. He doubles over and falls to the floor. 78.
Roberta turns to walk away. Paul desperately reaches out and grabs her ankle. She falls. She kicks and kicks and finally frees herself.
Standing up Roberta reaches the door and swings it open. Paul struggles to get up and staggers after her.
EXT. THE BACK GARDEN, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY
Roberta races across the garden. Paul staggers desperately after her. Roberta reaches the axe first. She picks it up and turns round to Paul with a look of glee. Paul is still semi doubled up.
ROBERTA Ha! I win! PAUL Now, babe. Let’s talk about this.
ROBERTA Babe? PAUL Yes, babe. ROBERTA You wanna talk? PAUL Yes, babe. Paul starts straightening up. ROBERTA Stop calling me that!
PAUL What, babe? ROBERTA I’m not your babe! You think you can call me slag and get away with it? PAUL No, babe-
ROBERTA I’m gonna have that insurance money! Somehow, anyhow. It’s mine! 79.
Roberta swings the axe in Paul’s direction. He is now recovered and circles round her to the garden shed. Roberta starts after him. Paul disappears inside.
Roberta has almost reached the shed when Paul emerges. He is carrying a chainsaw. He laughs manically. ROBERTA Oh!
PAUL Yeah, babe. That’s right! Paul pulls the cord and the chainsaw roars to life. Roberta turns and runs back towards the house, as Paul makes his way up the garden. Roberta disappears inside the house and the chainsaw suddenly cuts out. Paul stops. PAUL What...? He pulls the cord. He pulls it again. The chainsaw does not start. He raises his eyes to the sky. PAUL Why? Why now?
Shaking his head Paul abandons the chainsaw and makes his way more slowly towards the house.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY
Paul enters. The house is silent. He looks around cautiously, then tiptoes across the kitchen. Suddenly Roberta shrieks and leaps out from behind the breakfast bar. She swings the axe at him.
PAUL Woah! He stumbles backwards as Roberta takes another swing. He moves away just in time and the axe crashes through the kitchen counter. He races out to the hallway.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - DAY Paul enters then turns back to look at Roberta.
PAUL Maybe we should talk- woah! Roberta enters. She runs at him with the axe raised above her head. 80.
Paul tries to run up the stairs but loses his footing and falls. He turns as Roberta begins to drop the axe and manages to move aside just in time. The axe drops and hits the stair.
Paul gets up and moves behind Roberta. She is trying to pull the axe from the stair where it has become lodged. He watches her momentarily, then makes a decision. He turns and exits.
EXT. THE BACK GARDEN, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Paul comes racing out of the kitchen door. He returns to the chainsaw. He pulls the cord. It does not start. He pulls the cord again. It still does not start. He is distracted by the sound of the door. Roberta emerges from the house with the axe over her shoulder. She moves casually towards him.
ROBERTA Ah. No joy, darlin’? Won’t it work? Paul tries the chainsaw again. It doesn’t even make a sound now.
ROBERTA Ah. Poor baby. Paul drops the chainsaw and begins backing away as Roberta advances.
ROBERTA Were you going to chop me up into little pieces? Paul slows as he reaches the river at the end of the garden. ROBERTA Never mind. Maybe I can chop you into little pieces instead. It will probably take longer with an axe. And hurt more. Much more. Init. Roberta smiles as Paul stops st the river’s edge.
ROBERTA Nowhere to go now, is there Paul? Whatcha gonna do? Roberta laughs manically as she lines herself up to deliver a fatal blow. As she does so the end of axe becomes visible - the head is missing. 81.
Paul suddenly laughs when he sees. PAUL A-ha! Your axe!
Roberta stops and looks at it. PAUL Couldn’t pull it free, could ya? You know what you need. A big, strong man. Like me. But you’ve burnt your bridges with me now, babe. Paul advances towards Roberta.
PAUL You’ll never get a man like me again, you know. Not a slag like you. Roberta cries out in frustration and launches herself towards him. He is taken aback as she bares the the handle of the axe like a sword, then uses it to push him backwards. He steps back and loses his footing, then he falls into the water and is submerged. Roberta gasps. She waits for him to emerge, but when he does not she moves forward to look into the water. She looks uncertainly up and down river. There is no sign of him, or anyone. She looks again at the place where he fell in, then retreats. She heads back up the garden and enters the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Roberta enters and stands at the breakfast bar. She takes a moment to just breath. Then she looks back into the garden towards the river. There is no sign of Paul. After a moment she seems to relax.
ROBERTA I did it! Init, though. She goes to the fridge and takes out a bottle of champagne, then moves to the diner and takes out a champagne glass. She returns to the kitchen and smiles to herself as she tries to pull the cork. The cork seems to be stuck. She puts the bottle down. Then picks it up and tries again. It still won’t open. She puts it down, then looks 82. around her. She catches sight of the knives littered across the dining room floor. She moves across and selects a large one. She returns to her champagne. She holds the bottle in one hand and in the other she holds the knife. She attempts to cut the top off the bottle, but instead loses her grip on the bottle and sends it flying over the kitchen counter. It catches her glass as it goes and they all shatter on the floor. ROBERTA Bollocks! She drums her fingers on the counter. Then she goes to the bar in the diner and pours herself a liquor. ROBERTA Cheers! She empties her glass, then refills. She laughs to herself and glances out the window at the river. There is still no sign of Paul. She laughs again.
Sipping her drink, she exits.
INT. THE STUDY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Roberta enters. She goes to the filing cabinet. She leafs through the papers inside. First she pulls out the house insurance, then realises she has the wrong one and replaces it. She continues searching, then removes Paul’s certificate of life insurance. She smiles as she reads it. Then she exits, carrying the insurance policy and her drink.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Roberta enters from the study. She is still smiling as she reads the document in her hand. As she ascends the stairs she glances up for a second and gasps as she suddenly sees Paul standing in the middle of the hall downstairs. He is dripping wet, standing completely still, watching her. PAUL Hi, babe. Roberta is lost for words and stumbles backwards, which forces her to sit. PAUL Miss me? ROBERTA I... I... 83.
PAUL Oh, you didn’t think I was dead, now did you? Babe? Paul takes a step forward.
ROBERTA How...? Paul takes another step forward.
PAUL You don’t really want me dead, do you, babe? ROBERTA I... Paul watches her squirm. He smiles wryly as he looks at the document in her hands, then lowers himself onto the bottom step of the staircase.
PAUL You know I haven’t made any payments on that recently. ROBERTA What?
PAUL That- Paul gestures to the document she’s holding.
PAUL It’s not been paid. Roberta is stumped. PAUL Life insurance, right? Roberta nods. PAUL Shouldn’t really be a surprise, I s’pose. Roberta is shocked. ROBERTA But, I- PAUL Yup. I know. She begins to accept it. 84.
ROBERTA Bloody hell! PAUL Yeah. Sorry about that, babe! ROBERTA Ugh! Roberta knocks back the remainder of her drink, then rises. She walks down the stairs and sits nearer Paul. ROBERTA So now what? PAUL I dunno. They sit deep in thought for a moment, then they hear a dull knocking sound. ROBERTA Er- PAUL Oh yeah, we need to dispose of that-
Paul gestures towards the cupboard where Nina’s body is stored. ROBERTA But that noise-
PAUL She won’t be able to get out of there, don’t worry. ROBERTA Don’t worry? She’s making a noise! PAUL Well, the sound won’t carry far-
ROBERTA But she must still be alive! PAUL Huh. Well, the fact is that we did try to kill her, so I don’t think she’ll be very pleased about that. ROBERTA What? No we didn’t! 85.
PAUL I’m afraid we did. ROBERTA What? What do you mean? PAUL I drugged her. ROBERTA You did what? PAUL Well, actually, I drugged your coffee.
ROBERTA My coffee? PAUL Yeah, that’s right. I didn’t know she’d drink it!
ROBERTA So you tried to kill me? PAUL Yeah. Oh come on, Miss Axe-Wielder UK! So what if I tried to kill you? What? Like you weren’t trying to do the same to me!
ROBERTA But I just wanted the insurance money! PAUL Oh, that’s OK then! I just wanted your family estate! They sit in silence. There is a groan from the cupboard. PAUL You know what? I think we should call a truce. We’re gonna need to destroy the evidence somehow. Let’s just get some sleep now and work out what to do in the morning.
ROBERTA What? Even with, you know- the cupboard? 86.
PAUL Well, what’s your plan, babe? ROBERTA Stop calling me that. PAUL Force of habit, babe. I’m gonna sleep anyway. Hot bath, then I’m gonna sleep.
ROBERTA How can you sleep with that? Roberta gestures to the cupboard.
PAUL Very easily. Watch me. Paul rises and passes her on the stairs. Roberta shakes her head. She looks at her empty glass, then rises and heads back to the kitchen for a refill.
INT. BATHROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Paul enters and begins running a bath. He turns and leans on the sink and stares at himself in the mirror.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Roberta shakes her head. She looks at her empty glass, then rises and heads back to the kitchen for a refill.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Roberta enters and crosses to the bar in the diner. She refills her glass again and stares out the window, lost in thought. After a moment she has a realisation. She turns and exits.
INT. BATHROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Paul is still staring at himself in the mirror. It is beginning to steam up and he wipes his hand across the glass to clear it. As he does so he suddenly has a realisation. He quickly exits. 87.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Roberta rushes down the stairs with a holdall. She glances behind her briefly. When she reaches the bottom she drops her bag down and heads to the kitchen.
INT. BEDROOM, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Paul rummages in a drawer, then produces a lighter. He opens a wardrobe and lights Roberta’s clothes. He steps back to watch as the flames take hold. Then, as smoke fills the room, he exits.
INT. HALLWAY, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Paul rushes down the stairs with a holdall. He glances behind him briefly. Roberta is seen distantly in the Kitchen/Diner. He exits through the front door.
INT. KITCHEN/DINER, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Roberta is rummaging through the kitchen drawers. She produces a box of matches.
She moves over to the bar. She refills her glass once more, and sets the bottle and glass on the kitchen counter. Then she removes another bottle of liquor, which she tips across the bar. She takes a step back and lights a match. She looks at the flame, then the bar. She throws the match onto the bar, which is immediately ablaze. She turns, picks up her drink and the bottle and exits.
EXT. FRONT GARDEN - NIGHT
Paul is walking down the driveway. He carries his bag. Behind her the fire has taken hold of the house. Smoke billows from the windows.
He makes his way to the wall at the end of the garden. When he reaches it he drops his bag down, then sits on the wall. After a moment some movement at the side of the garden catches his eye. He turns his attention to it, but everything is still. He refocusses on the house again. Suddenly Roberta emerges from the bushes. She carries a bag over her shoulder, a bottle and glass. She stops and stares at him as he jumps up. They stare at each other for a moment. 88.
PAUL What are you doing here? ROBERTA What are you doing here?
PAUL But you were s’posed to be in the house! ROBERTA You went to bed! You were s’posed to be sleeping! They both turn to look back at the house as it burns.
LATER Paul and Roberta sit together on the wall. They face the road. Behind them the house fire is more advanced. They share Roberta’s drink.
ROBERTA What are we gonna do now? PAUL Ugh. Dunno.
ROBERTA I s’pose we can collect the house insurance money. PAUL Er- ROBERTA We could go halves. We’ll have to say it was an accident-
PAUL What makes you think I’ve paid for the house insurance? ROBERTA But, you must’ve paid for something- PAUL You sad, ignorant slag!
ROBERTA You- you- Roberta cannot find the words, so instead she punches him in the crotch.
Paul doubles up and falls to the ground. 89.
ROBERTA Banker! She returns to her drink.
Eventually Paul gets up and sits on the wall again. PAUL At least we destroyed the evidence.
ROBERTA Yes we did. There is a rustling in the bushes behind them and suddenly Nina emerges. Roberta and Paul jump up.
NINA You bastards! PAUL Nina!
ROBERTA How did you- NINA You tried to kill me! Twice!
ROBERTA No, we didn’t! PAUL Well... ROBERTA No, we didn’t - well, actually, you did!
PAUL Hey! Wait a minute! NINA You? You!
PAUL I was trying to kill her! NINA What?
PAUL I was trying to kill her. I didn’t know you were gonna nick her coffee! 90.
NINA What? Well, you didn’t have to let me drink it!
PAUL I didn’t know what would happen! ROBERTA But you’d spiked it. You must’ve known!
PAUL You’re not helping! NINA You spiked it? With what?
ROBERTA Date rape. NINA Date rape? You wanted to rape me?
ROBERTA Hey, don’t kid yourself - that was my coffee, remember?
NINA And he wanted to see what happened. Right, Paul? PAUL Well, yes - no! I didn’t know what would happen, and you were fighting... NINA So you were gonna use date rape on your wife? What sort of marriage- ROBERTA Oh don’t, love. It’s a joke. NINA Really? ROBERTA He’s been trying to kill me too. NINA You tried to kill us both? ROBERTA You masochist! 91.
PAUL Woah! That’s a long word, take it easy, babe!
NINA Misogynist. PAUL Not you too. Calm down ladies, you’ll injure yourselves.
ROBERTA I bet you don’t even know what it means! PAUL Of course I do! NINA It means you’re a twat! PAUL Yeah? Well you’re a slag! NINA Twat!
PAUL Slag! ROBERTA Is that your only insult?
PAUL No! But you are a slag too. ROBERTA You twat!
Roberta rushes at Paul and attempts to wrestle him, but she’s quite inebriated now and is easily stopped. Paul holds her wrists and sits her down. There is a moment of silence between them. In the background the roof collapses into the flames.
NINA Hasn’t anyone called the fire brigade? PAUL No. ROBERTA No. 92.
NINA I wonder what the police will make of all this. PAUL What?
ROBERTA What? NINA Well, I’m obviously gong to tell the police. ROBERTA What? PAUL What? ROBERTA You can’t! NINA Can’t? Of course I can! ROBERTA No! NINA Yes! You two tried to kill me! You want me to just turn a blind eye to that? PAUL Yes! ROBERTA Yeah, if you don’t mind! NINA What? Can you hear yourselves? No way! PAUL This is so typical of you!
NINA What? PAUL Can’t you see the bigger picture here? We’re-
NINA The bigger picture being you and Miss. Thicko? 93.
ROBERTA Hey! NINA There’s no way I’m gonna let you get away with this! PAUL Nina-
NINA No, Paul. No way! Nina starts moving away. Roberta looks at Paul and rises. Paul steps forward.
PAUL Nina, don’t do this. NINA No, Paul. You’re not getting your own way on this!
Nina turns to walk away. Paul quickly darts forward and grabs her. She kicks and screams, trying to get away. Roberta moves forward and tries grabbing her ankles.
Paul and Roberta drag her around the side of the house, Paul leading.
EXT. BACK GARDEN, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
They make their way down to the end of the garden, to the river. NINA No! Paul! No! I’m warning you!
Paul heaves her into the river. She disappears under the water, then a moment later her head bobs up a little further downstream. The current carries her away. Paul and Roberta watch her.
ROBERTA She’s still alive. PAUL I know.
TOGETHER Bollocks. They turn and begin walking back up the garden. 94.
EXT. FRONT GARDEN, PAUL’S HOUSE - NIGHT Paul and Roberta return to their seats on the wall. They resume their drinking.
ROBERTA So now what? PAUL Dunno. I’m thinking.
ROBERTA Does it hurt? Paul gives her a look. They sit in silence for a moment.
PAUL I think there’s only one thing we can do now. ROBERTA What’s that?
They look at each other.
INT. COFFEE SHOP, HABOURSIDE - DAY
It is a bright, sunny day. Roberta is sitting at a table, gazing out the window at the yachts moored in the harbour. Their bags are tucked under the table. The Paul is visible.
Paul joins her with their coffees. ROBERTA Thanks. PAUL No problem, babe. ROBERTA Are you really still calling me that?
PAUL What, babe? ROBERTA Nevermind.
They gaze at the harbour. PAUL So, Shazza? 95.
ROBERTA Yeah. Sharon. PAUL Why Roberta? ROBERTA I love Robert Pattinson, init. PAUL Right... ROBERTA It those eyes. They’re gorgeous! PAUL Uh-huh. ROBERTA And I work at the Spar shop. PAUL The Spar shop? ROBERTA I live in Hackney with my mum.
PAUL Ugh! Hackney? ROBERTA OK you! You asked - ya fucking snob!
PAUL Wish I hadn’t! ROBERTA (beat) So we didn’t kill each other. PAUL Nope. We didn’t. ROBERTA There’s no money. PAUL No. ROBERTA You’re broke. PAUL Yup. And you’re broke. 96.
ROBERTA Yup. We’re still married. PAUL Yup.
ROBERTA There’s no more house. PAUL No.
ROBERTA No car. PAUL No. ROBERTA No job. PAUL No. ROBERTA You’re a bit of a loser! PAUL Hey! You’re not exactly living the dream either! What about the estate in Gloucestershire you sold me on? ROBERTA Ha ha. Yeah, that’s funny. So, there’s just The Paul. PAUL There is still The Paul. You know what I’ve realised?
ROBERTA What’s that? PAUL I thought I’d hate it if I lost everything. It was my worst nightmare. And now I’ve lost everything - almost - and I think I feel OK.
ROBERTA Really? PAUL Yeah. It’s weird. And I was thinking- 97.
ROBERTA First time for everything, init. PAUL Yes, ha ha. Seriously, babe. We’ve been through a lot together, you and me. I think I might have met my match. What do you say we give things a go? We are still married, after all.
ROBERTA We are still married. PAUL We could set sail on The Paul. Off into the sunset. Leave all our troubles behind us. ROBERTA That sounds nice.
PAUL We could go to Monaco. ROBERTA Saint Tropez.
PAUL They’d never find us there. ROBERTA Who?
PAUL The police. ROBERTA Do you think they’re after us?
PAUL Well, yeah. ROBERTA Oh.
PAUL And you’re so beautiful, babe. ROBERTA Aw, thanks. You’re not so bad yourself. Paul leans across the table and they kiss. 98.
PAUL So, what do you say? Are we doing this? ROBERTA Yeah, OK! PAUL OK. Let’s go! ROBERTA Let’s go! They grab their bags and exit.
EXT. THE HARBOUR - DAY Paul and Roberta head over to The Paul. PAUL Welcome to my yacht! Let me take that for you. He takes Roberta’s bag. ROBERTA No, you don’t have to-
PAUL Woah, that’s heavy! What’ve you got in here? He shakes Roberta’s bag.
PAUL Seriously? ROBERTA What? Where?
He opens the bag. PAUL What’s this?
Paul reaches over and removes an enormous shotgun from her bag. PAUL And this!
He removes a machete. PAUL And this!
He removes a meat cleaver. 99.
PAUL Do you have anything other than weapons in here? Any bombs? Hand grenades?
He removes a body bag. PAUL What the- Is this what I think it is?
ROBERTA That? Oh, that’s nothing! That was just in case! In fact, I forgot I had them.
PAUL (beat) Oh, OK then! I’ll just get rid of them for you. He drops them into the water, then he turns to board The Paul. Roberta follows. SERIES OF SHOTS A) They drop their bags on deck, then Roberta strips down to a skimpy bikini. Paul attends to getting the yacht ready. B) Roberta settles herself down to sunbathe as the yacht begins moving away from the harbour.
C) As the yacht makes some distance from the shore Roberta rises and joins Paul at the helm. He puts his arm round her and they kiss. ROBERTA Oh, Paul. This is a new life for us, init? PAUL Yeah, init though! Roberta hits him playfully.
PAUL Where shall we go first, babe? ROBERTA Saint Tropez! I’ve always wanted to go there! PAUL We’ll fit right in there too, babe. It’s dead classy. 100.
ROBERTA Just think; we can travel the world now.
PAUL The world’s our oyster, babe! ROBERTA Just you, me and the yacht.
PAUL You, me and the yacht. They kiss as they sail off into the horizon. As the yacht travels away we see Nina clinging to the side, with a small axe held in her teeth. FADE OUT.