• Abstract and Figures
• Public Full-text

Fatherhood is mostly defined by moments. And those moments always (okay, 80 percent of the time, easy) seem to involve cars, fixing stuff, food and drink, and sports. Over the next few pages, you’ll find a guide to and a celebration of the crucial moments of fatherhood—useful advice, general guidelines, handy tools, and a whole hell of a lot of understanding. PHOTOGRAPHS BY JEFF MINTON ILLUSTRATIONS BY SROOP SUNAR We are flawed and fallen, us fathers. Most A memory: No one is born knowing what an Allen wrench is. Of The of us start the process of growing new peo- all the things hardwired into us by millions of years of evolution, Unnatural ple with at least a few strong inclinations for being able to distinguish an Allen wrench from all the other stu- Dad: how we mean to do it, or deficits in our own pid wrenches in your father’s toolbox without proper instruction An introduction fathers that we mean to correct, but then, isn’t one of them. So it’s likely that when your dad sends you off to mere mortals that we are, we fail at it, daily. find this wrench because it’s needed urgently that you’ll of course Case in point: So there I was on the tot lot—that’s playground bring the wrong one. Can we all have a moment of silence for the Your host: Actor, stand-up talk—doing my best to build a sand castle with my son, who was a poor little bastard who did that? comedian, writer, little guy at the time. Lots of bedrooms and a real moat—we don’t And there he was, waiting, head under the hood, studying some- Twitterer, son, and father mess around. After we were done sand-castling, we were going to thing angrily. My dad had no idea what he was doing under the PATTON break in our new baseball gloves, but then I looked over at my boy hood of a car, but that wouldn’t stop him from blaming his failure OSWALT and noticed he was gazing longingly at the fun dad at the other on mine. There is nothing like fatherly disappointment to make a end of the long sandbox, the guy who had just built the Trump seven-year-old boy want to disappear, to just have the earth open Tower of sand castles and was presently acting out some Disney up and swallow you. Of course, it wouldn’t take long for me to trans- drama for a growing number of vulnerable children, doing all the fer that feeling into wanting the earth to swallow him. Who makes characters, in different voices, a real pied piper of the playground. a little kid feel like shit about wrenches? Guy set me up. Just then he was a wise old lobster, and the tot lot rang with angel- I solemnly vowed by God that when given the chance, I would ic laughter. Who was this asshole? do things differently. I would spare my kids the projected disap- He was the natural dad, that’s who he was, and the realization of pointment of my own failures, I would love them unconditional- who he was also marked the realization of who I wasn’t. I love my ly, I would even like them. They would be my laughing compan- kids, like, painfully. But for a lot of reasons, some obvious, others ions in this happy adventure of life. Because I’m fun, goddammit. that only hypnosis might reveal, I’m just not a natural dad. Wise old It’s a handicap, this not being a natural, a humbling and herita- lobster and his kids would probably always talk like best friends, ble trait, a condition requiring extra work and proper attention. while my poor kids and I would probably drift apart, from this day Or . maybe no one’s a natural, and humility itself is the point of fa- forward, into sullen silence. Shit. therhood. Either way, I will never be wise old lobster. But every now I would have to find a way around this. But how? I come from a and then, when I think about it, I stop what I’m doing, pull my son long line of not-natural dads. aside, and say, “Here, this is an Allen wrench.” —MARK WARREN INSIDE: CARS SPORTS EATING & FIXING Wrecking a car, changing Assessing your kid’s skill DRINKING STUFF a flat, going to the auto level, coaching, developing What to cook with kids, Celebrating the 4 show, driving and driving allegiances, snowboarding, where to eat with them, Leatherman, tying knots, SECTIONS and driving betting, and losing roasting a chicken, salami principles of handiness 97 NO-FAIL CONVERSATION STARTERS The car is the best place to talk to your children about difficult subjects, because they A FEW WORDS ON can’t escape. But sometimes it’s hard RESTRAINT to break the silence. For when your kid wrecks a vintage roadster, say Girl Trouble DO I haven’t heard BY SAM SMITH you mention Melissa much When I was thirteen, my father started helping me restore a lately. 1957 MGA, this tiny British roadster. Not fast, but pretty. He Cut this out and tape it under the dash. DON’T You still hang out with that had a hell of a temper then and we got in a lot of fights, but chubby girl? FIVE GREAT ROAD TRIPS IF YOU HAVE KIDS I always loved how he fixed things. Slowly. Carefully. Magically, without error. I’ve spent most of my life trying to work like that. Divorce Seligman, Arizona, Navy submarine. > Walk the “mile-high” sus- 1 Halfway through the project, just before my sixteenth birth- DO You probably to Oatman, Arizona > Eat a sundae in Two Rivers, pension bridge at Grandfather noticed that your day, Dad secretly did a bunch of work to get the car drivable. That Route: Historic Route 66 allegedly the birthplace of the Mountain in Linville, a pristine mom and I haven’t moment wasn’t on the schedule for weeks—the car still a shell, no been getting Terrain: Two-lane American sundae. nature preserve. doors or fenders. On my birthday, Mom walked me out to the drive- along well lately. asphalt > Take the kids to see an way, covering my eyes. As she pulled her hands away and the en- DON’T You know Points of interest: Delgadillo’s actual movie at an actual drive- Astoria, Oregon, to 5 gine lit up, I almost shit myself. The noise must’ve been audible for blocks. Dad came outside a that pretty lady Snow Cap, an ice-cream shop/ in, the Skyway in Fish Creek Lincoln City, Oregon who works at I drove it up and down the street, giddy, giving rides to friends. few seconds later. He stood there for a second, quietly, trying to Build-A-Bear? fun house (est. 1950). Route: U. S. 101, the Oregon No windshield! No doors! Seat bolted onto a bare floor! It was a re-create what happened. I couldn’t decide if he was going to kill > A restored vintage gas station Coast Highway huge deal, months of labor realized, a whee that seemed endless. me or just say that it was all over. Drugs in Kingman Blowing Rock, North Terrain: Rugged coastline with 4 Turn key, pull choke, pull starter cable, scare the piss out of the And then he started looking. We pushed the car back, away from DO I was just > Oatman, a living museum of Carolina, to downtown lighthouses, forests, and small reading about how neighbors’ dogs. Repeat. It never got old. the toolbox. He was quiet for a few minutes, kneeling, bending the much more pow- a dusty Old West town, where Asheville, North Carolina towns you’ll want to move to I don’t remember who was the last ride of the day—some friend steel with his hands. He scratched his chin a little and looked at me. erful today’s drugs wild burros wander unbidden Route: The Blue Ridge Parkway Points of interest: Explore a from across town with whom I’ve since lost touch. We were talk- “Nah,” he said, smiling. “It’s fine.” are than in previ- and residents stage shoot-outs. Terrain: A transmission-punish- rusted-out 1906 shipwreck at ing. I was standing outside the car in the garage. Old cars, you can “No,” I said firmly, stomach turning. ous generations. ing, high-elevation thrill ride Fort Stevens State Park near DON’T Drugs can start them without pushing in the clutch, because there’s no elec- “Yes,” he said. His hand went to my shoulder, and he locked eyes Homestead, Florida, to Points of interest: Ride a mas- Astoria. make you do stu- 2 Key West, Florida > trical cutout. I had the ignition on. I pulled the starter knob. with me, speaking slowly. “It’s. Fine.” pid things, like sive steam-engine locomotive at Eat crab Benedict at the Pig ‘N And I had left the car in gear. Only it was. No drama, no yelling, nothing. And then he showed getting a girl preg- Route: U. S. 1 Tweetsie Railroad, in Blowing Pancake in Cannon Beach. There was a leap of black paint and a terrible bang and the whole me what it would take. Over the next week or so, he bent the steel nant. Fourteen Terrain: 42 overseas bridges hop Rock, an otherwise gimmicky > Look for migrating whales at years later, you’re garage shook, and suddenly the car was trying to dig a hole in the back, sanded and touched up the paint, tweaked things back into behind the wheel along the Keys, bisecting the Wild West theme park.

Load more

  6

Copy Link