T h e REALIST Issu e N um ber 80 - June, 1968 - P a g e 01 scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/80

Final Solutions to the Latrinalia Question

by Donovan Bess by Alan Dundes by Robert Reisner So many o f us, in using the m en ’s Any American male who has ever had [ E d itor’s note: Mr. Reisner is the author room, fail to read the handwriting on the an occasion to enter a public bathroom of a book called Graffiti. What follows wall. Pity. T h ere’s no better index to our such as one found in a railroad or bus are latrinalia which were not included in cultural life. The graffiti authors have terminal has surely observed at one time his collection.] urgent things to say to us; they say them or another one of the many traditional Having relieved himself physically the on the walls, on the ceilings, on the water inscriptions found on the walls of the scrawler may as well relieve the excretia closets and on the floors. facilities. In some quarters, e.g. in the of his mind in the same place. He then Amateur anthropologists have begun rest rooms of some bars and caf6 ’s, one symbolically smears the walls with shit, to rescue some of these ephemeral writ­ finds the custom has been Institu­ for dirty words are considered dirt them­ ings. They are mainly students who volun­ tionalized in that a small slate and an selves. There is probably a relationship teered to help the research work of Pro­ accompanying piece of chalk are hanging between inscribing taboo words on a wall fessor Alan Dundes of the University of on the wall. This allows individuals to and playing with feces. C alifornia’s Berkeley campus. He is a write freely and at the same time it saves For some adults it may be their only folklorist who summed up his early find­ the establishment the expense of continu­ creative outlet. ings in a paper called Here I Sit: A Study ally repainting walls. For others, the only chance to do some­ of American Latrinalia. Despite the widespread distribution of thing naughty. Pornographic wall writing This is an erudite document, worthy of these inscriptions and despite the fact that comes out of frustration, anxiety and the this potent young scholar. He deplores many of them are demonstrably tradi­ desire to express what a person cannot the fact that since the golden age of tional, one looks in vain for extended state openly. latrine writings (in the Roman baths), collections of published texts and for any It is both horrible and fascinating to few of M an’s graffiti have survived. In rational discussion of them or the practice observe to what depths of degraded recent decades, m en’s room managers of writing them. Most histories o f the thought the mind can descend. The reader have become even more zealous in their water closet do little more than recognize is kindly requested to look upon these efforts to obliterate these publications. that such traditions exist. Typical is the crudities in a scientific and dispassionate Dr. Dundes writes that "the classic remark made by poet John Pudney, manner. author of The Smallest Room, who both­ study of the form in America was made • “This morning I stuck my cock out by Allen Walker R ead,’’ who “privately ers to say, “I must here resist the tempta­ of the window and fucked the published it in 1935 under the euphemistic tion urged on me by several men o f let­ world.” (Subway station toilet, N.Y.) ters to quote more freely from this poetry title: ‘Lexical Evidence From Folk Epig­ • "The fucking you get is not worth raphy in Western North America: a of the smallest room.” the fucking you take." Glossarial Study of the Low Element in Certainly there can be no doubt as to • “The difference between this firm the English Vocabulary.*” the antiquity of the genre. In the chapter and a cactus plant is that here the Without a good knowledge of Latin devoted to latrines of John G. B ou rk e’s pricks are in the inside." (Garment how would you discover that Professor classic Scatalogic Rites of All Nations, center building, 7th Ave., N.Y.) Read was not giving you a report on one finds references to the obscene poetry • "Cocksuckers of the world unite— the nesting habits of the Baltimore oriole? written in Roman latrines. What little bite Birchers." Dr. Dundes belongs to another generation evidence is available in print does attest • "Here patrons drink piss, employees and d o esn ’t mind at all if you figure out to the age and international spread of eat pussy." (The Village Gate.) what h e’s studying. In fact, last month this popular form of written folklore. Bleccker & Thompsoon Sts., N.Y.) he let me read his fat file o f latrinalia Gershon Legman, an authority on erotic • “The largest, hottest cock on cam­ in Kroeber Hall. folklore bibliography, mentions The pus is right between my legs." (Univ. All of the graffiti presented here arc, Merry-Thought or The Glass-Window and of New Mexico, Alburquerque.) unless otherwise attributed, from m en ’s Bog-House Miscellany of 1731 with the • "Big girl, big cunt. Small girl, all rooms. Women aren ’t literary when they only known complete copy at Oxford. cunt." (Continued on Page 8) (Continued on Page 9) (Continued on Page 15) http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 80 - June, 1968 - P age 02 scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/80

Reports that users have suffered such disturbances as embolisms (blood clots), hair loss, eczema, nasal irritation, | Perils of the Pill | mental depression, decrease in the size o f the uterus, bleed­ ing, etc., have begun to cause worry among more con- by Jack Soltanoff, D.C. scientous doctors. They arc concerned with the advisabil­ ity of subjecting the human body to such a potent drug. A Chicago gynecologist. Dr. Arthur H. Klawans, addres­ From time to time there have been reports from Europe, sing a meeting of the American Academy of General the Scandinavian countries in particular, and occasionally Practice several years ago, warned doctors to discourage from Canada and the U.S., indicating that oral contraceptives their patients from using oral contraceptives longer than have been causing significant physical, mental and emotional 2 years. problems in women using the Pill. The New York Times of August 12, 1967 carried an He gave as his reason that no one today actually knows article, relegated to the back pages, entitled “Birth Pill how the human body will react to the drug when taken Tests ordered by the F.D.A.” It stated that “The Food continuously over a period of time. & Drug Adminisration has directed a new series of long Apparently, high profits breed mild suspicions— approval range tests to be started immediately on all contraceptive of Enovid was given after its being tested in Puerto Rico pills already in the final stages of testing on human for only 3 years. It is obviously impossible at this time beings” (emphasis added). to forsee what the harmful effects on a female would be It further said, characteristically, " There is no plan, if she took it during her entire reproductive life of ap­ however to remove any present drugs from the market” proximately 30 years. and ended the article by saying that “The F.D.A. spokes­ The American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, man said "all the present contraceptive drugs were sus­ as a result of a 3-year study several years ago, reported pected of ‘possibly encouraging’ cancer once it has started various unpleasant but benign side effects by 71% o f the although none are ‘believed’ to cause it.” users at some time during the study. These effects were In spite of a growing spate of articles on side effects so annoying to 22% o f the users that they discontinued of the Pill, most medical doctors refuse to “alarm” at taking the pill. Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, headache, the prospect that a chemical contraceptive might be and a “feeling of pregnancy” were reported in 43% of the damaging to their patients. They have been so pleased users. The menstrual flow was greatly reduced in volume at having an easy and reliable chemical birth preventative (during the part of the cycle when the drug is withdrawn). to offer to their patients, that they have tended to wel­ Some of the women felt tenderness of the breasts, and come it, while being skeptical of the warnings of possible some suffered vaginal bleeding after intercourse and also dangers. after a pelvic examination by a medical doctor. Those who Medical literature stresses the fact that the Pill must had bleeding were found to have “severe cervical erosion" remain in the hands o f the physician, based on his common which on occasion required cauterization. Although the sense and social and moral conscience. Medical circles symptoms were more prevalent during the first 3 months also contend that this is a time of great social change they were sometimes found to occur as long a time as and physicians must decide whether to join or be pushed after 30 months of trouble-free use. aside. These same researchers made a follow-up study one Recent And Past History year later which was reported in the Journal o f the Amer­ ican Medical Women’s Association. Birth control pills were first introduced into the U.S. In addition to the above side effects the report included in 1960 after approval by the FDA. Preliminary tests cases of complete absence of menstruation, “breakthrough of the drug involving 550 women in Puerto Rico (a bleeding" which could happen at any time, decrease of blatant example of racism) started in April, 1957 [see sexual desire and a gain in weight noticeable enough to issue # 9 ]. This first pill on the market was called Enovid initiate requests for a reducing regimen. and was manufactured by G. D. Scarlc & Co. Women starting treatment via the pill while still nursing The principal ingredient of all the oral contraceptives a baby found their .milk drying up during the first or now approved by the FDA is Progestin— a synthetic second m on th ’s use (female breasts are called mammary hormone. A small amount of another synthetic hormone glands and the secretion of milk is under control o f the estrogen is also added. These hormones act on the pituitary pituitary gland). gland, the b o d y ’s growth regulatory mechanism, “fooling” Back in 1962 when the Pill had been on the market it into behaving as though pregnancy had already occurred, for 2 years, a “Drug Caution” letter dated Aug. 7, 1962 and thereby preventing further ovulation. was sent to the n a tio n ’s medical doctors by the manu­ The pituitary gland is the “master” gland of the body— facturers of Enovid. It pointed out that 28 cases of if this gland is affected, it is thought to affect every other thrombo-embolic disease (internal blood clotting) had been gland in the body, including the thyroid, adrenals, the reported in this country with five fatalities from pulmonary liver, which is the largest gland in the body. If the pills embolism (lung clot) and were urged to “be alert” when are taken 20 days per month as directed, manufacturers claim they are 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. There are a number o f new brands now on the market The Realist is published monthly except for Januarj to meet the growing demand. and July by The Realist Association, a non-profit cor­ But while more and more women are swallowing the poration. Publication office: 595 Broadway, New York, Pill, the number of reported side effects of a serious nature N.Y. 10012. Editor: Paul Krassner, Box 379, Stuyvesant is also increasing. Physicians who practice nutritional Sta., New York, N.Y. 10009. Subscription rates: $3 for therapy, and chiropractors who believe in a more natural 10 issues; $5 for 20 issues. and rational approach, gave warning as long ago as 1961.

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Listed below are a variety of disorders associated with the Pill and those suggested as having some connection with it. Note some of the cleverly ambiguous wording, usually associated with advertising and public relations terminology. Insufficient Stress on Dangers The Journal of the American Medical Association re­ ported on October 25, 1965 that “the American Medical Association Committee on Reproduction has recently ‘admitted’ they may not have stressed enough the danger­ ous side effects of the Pill.” Heart Disease Archives of Environmental Health of May, 1966 quoted 2 eminent physicians at the University of Geneva, Switzer­ land, who reported that “contraceptive pills lower the level of magnesium in women with the possibility that this 'may' pave the way for future heart disease which has been connected with magnesium deficiency.” Diabetes The N.Y. Post of June 1, 1966 printed an article in which Dr. Herbert Gershberg, of N.Y.U. Medical Center stated that “some” oral contraceptives produce a condition “resembling” diabetes. Dr. M. L. Paros in the British Medical Journal recently described a patient with “well controlled” diabetes who found her disease no longer controllable after only 3 days on a German manufactured oral contraceptive. After withdrawal of the pill, it took 2 months to stabilize her condition. The German manfacturer admitted other cases where the pill caused increased blood sugar levels. Baldness Baldness is the most recently reported side effect of the Pill. The British Medical Journa\ reported 3 cases of an unusual scalp disease in which patches of hair fall out. This was reported by Dr. Rosamund Vallings, a family planning physician, who stated that all 3 cases of the disease (allopecia areata) occurred just after the women had started taking birth control pills. Damage to the Nervous System A University of Miami scientist recently told a Scientific Session of the American Heart Association that some women taking oral contraceptives suffer neurological com­ considering prescribing Enovid for a patient with a history plications (damage to the nervous system). Dr. S. S. of the disease. Shafey told the audience that “the pill should ‘probably’ A few months later the FDA was forced to investigate not be used” by women with high blood pressure, a tend­ the relationship between Enovid and thrombo-phlebitis ency for abnormal clotting in the blood vessels, a family because of continuing adverse reports. The Medical history of strokes, migraine headaches or epilepsy. Tribune of January 18, 1963 reported 272 cases of the Harm to Female Personality disease including 31 fatalities. The manufacturer still The N.Y. Post of Sept. 18, 1967 carried an article insisted that "no causal relationship had been established”. headlined “Spanish M .D.’s Insist the Pill is Dangerous.” Oddly enough just a few cases of thrombo-phlebitis in The warning was given at the closing session of the World Norway prompted the Norwegian government to ban the Medical Association Congress in Madrid and stated that sale of Enovid permanently. the birth control pill is not only dangerous to health but Oslo scientists revealed tests that seem to confirm con­ is harmful to the female personality. clusively that Enovid does increase blood clotting. The article further stated: “The Spanish doctors sur­ American scientists do admit that for women age 35 prised delegates with their conclusions which claimed that to 39 the death rate from thrombo-embolism among users oral contraceptives caused internal damage and in many of Enovid is 2.4 times that of non-users and that between cases radically altered female personalities.” the ages of 40-44 the rate is 3.8 times as high. Blood Clots and Strokes In spite of these findings and those of the Norwegian In December, 1965 th e F D A ’s advisory Committee on researchers some of our dedicated and humanitarian Obstetrics and Gynecology stated that most of the "sus­ scientists have been ‘‘un able to find such a relationship” pected" adverse reactions reported are found to be in (i.e. that Enovid does increase blood clotting)— perhaps various forms of blood clots, including cerebral hemor­ the same group that could find little or no relationship rhage (strokes), phlebitis (in legs) and the lungs. Various between smoking and lung cancer. eye and visual disturbances arc also "possible." June 1968 3 http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 80 - June, 1968 - Page 04 scans of this entire Issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/80

Cancer Cessation of Menstruation Dr. Ray Hertz, Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology An article in the Lancet, November 1966, stated: at Georgetown University, as well as a member of the “Assurances have been given that when the Pill is dis­ FDA Advisory Committee on Obstetrics and Gynecology, continued, menstruation will be promptly re-established. became concerned about the oral contraceptives "possible" Nine patients, given the pill, did not resume menstruation link with cancer in the summer of 1966. Since cancer is when oral contraceptives were eliminated.” “supposed” to develop over a long period of time (in Sterility recent years cancer has been showing fast growing rates . The Director of the National Institute of Health, Dr. in children) and the largest exposure to the Pill has only James Shannon, recently told a closed door Congressional been 9 years, Dr. Hertz feels not enough time has elapsed Appropriations Committee that women are taking a risk to prove the oral contraceptives safe. He compared this in using the Pill, since some researchers have found suc­ to smoking and lung cancer, which also did not come to ceeding generations of test animals become sterile when light at first, thus was considered safe. Dr. Herz says that their parents and grandparents arc given the drug. it is too soon to consider the Pill safe. Infertility Skin Cancer The Wall Street Journal, March 1, 1966: “Three Cali­ According to the July 1966 issue of the Medical Journal fornia physicians have reported infertility and menstrual of Australia women afflicted with a virulent form of skin abnormalities even after the pills have been discontinued.” cancer called melanoma should be closely watched for Frigidity excessive exposure to sunlight and prolonged use of the The Medical World News of May 20, 1966 reported Pill. Either one or both may activate the condition. that “although the effect of the Pill has been widely Breast Cancer challenged, Dr. William Masters of the Reproductive The N.Y. Post of February 21, 1966 reported “One Biology Research Foundation in St. Louis says, ‘When drug firm has suspended testing of a new birth-control referring physicians ask us to see a woman who exhibits pill on dogs after they developed breast cancer. Three secondary frigidity, our first question is, “Has she been hundred women who had been taking the pills were under taking the Pill?” If the patient has been taking the Pill close observation.” for more than 18 months, we insist that she discontinue Liver Function Impairment the medication for 6 months before we see her. In most The November 1966 issue of the Journal of the Amer­ instances, further steps have proved unnecessary.' ” ican Medical Association stated unequivocally that “im­ Vein and Kidney Problems pairment of liver functions is probably produced fre­ Two recent reports in the Journal of the American quently by oral contraceptives.” In 1966 alone there were Medical Association state 2 new dangers from taking the warnings of dangers of liver damage in 8 other medical Pill. journals. University of Rochester Medical Center physicians Jaundice (Hepatitis) reported that a study on dogs produced a significant The December 10, 1966 issue of the Lancet (the British decrease of blood flow in the veins. equivalent of the Journal of the American Medical Asso­ The other report is from University of California Medi­ ciation Journal) reports that “Jaundice apparently induced cal Center, Department of Urology, that oral contracep­ by the Pill has been observed in 50 patients.” tives can cause enlargement of the kidney ureters (the Contact Lenses tubes leading from each kidney to the bladder) which can lead to kidney infections. According to the British Medical Journal of April 1966, Illicit Drugs a 33 year old woman who had worn contact lenses for a minimum of 12 hours daily for 3 years without problems, Last year birth control pills topped the list o f drugs suddenly developed corneal edema (swelling) and super­ sold without a prescription to state inspectors checking distributors and retail outlets in N.Y. state. The Secre­ ficial corneal opacities after taking the Pill. Complete recovery in 3 weeks time resulted as soon as the Pill was tary of the State Board of Pharmacy reported that drugs stopped and the use of contact lenses was suspended. most often sold illegally to state inspectors were the pill, appetite depressants, pain killers, tranquilizers and diabetic High Blood Pressure pills. The Canadian Medical Journal of July 1966 reported that high blood pressure was noted in a woman after Danger to Babies, Adult Depression utilizing the Pill. When it was discontinued, and after The FDA recently stated that warnings on labels of special treatment, the blood pressure returned to normal. birth control pills should include the following hazards: Migraine (Headache) (1) The potent chemicals of the Pill may be trans­ The Lancet of April 1966 stated that “women with a ported to the baby through the m oth er’s milk (it would tendency toward migraine headaches suffered with more be physiologically impossible for it not to be transported). frequency and sensitivity on the few days when they were (2) It should not be given to those with a history of off the Pill. Others not as susceptible developed headaches mental depression and, further, “if mental depression on oral contraceptives.” occurs, the Pill should be discontinued immediately. Skin Problems (3) It should never be used in women with a history The British Medical Journal of November 1966 reported of clotting, liver disease, breast cancer, genital cancer or that “Hespcs Gestionitis” a distressing skin condition in if there is a sudden onset of migraine headache or eye which blisters appear on arms and legs, was traced to the damage. Pill. The skin disturbance responded to treatment and Johan Devaney back in 1963 wrote a well researched being off the Pill. After 2 months, the patient resumed article in Redbook magazine in which he said: “Side the Pill. Blisters then reappeared in 11 days. effects vary from woman to woman, but they include

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such symptoms as headaches, nausea, vomiting, decreased These two forces have hushed information and indict­ libido, tenderness of breasts, dizziness, missed menstrual ment of possible dangers from its use to isolated articles in periods and increased weight (up to 10 lbs in 2 months). medical journals and an absolute minimum in the Amer­ In a number of homen, menstrual-like bleeding o ccu r re d ican press. at unexpected moments during the month . . . They have been supported by false alarms via ‘scientists’ “The Pill ‘seems’ to shut off the flow of certain hormone — for example, those tied in with the drug monopoly — messengers from the pituitary gland to the ovaries, thus who write and speak about the twin myths of “exploding preventing ovulation. In (artificially) suppressing the populations” and “lack of fo o d ”; their research is as release of these hormones, some doctors fear, the Pill scientific as those who claim no harm from tobacco. may eventually damage the pitutary gland causing As a matter of fact, some of those in the know (demo­ unknown harm to the woman and also affecting any graphers) who have made lifetime studies in these fields, children she may have in the future.” state: Dr. Alan F. Guttmacher, Director of Obstetrics and 1. The entire population of the U.S. could live in the Gynecology at Mt. Sinai Hospital in NYC and author of state of Florida comfortably. books on birth control, states: 2. The entire population of the world could live in the “The Pills violate a general medical principle. It is state of Texas with little or no crowding. deemed safer to affect a target organ directly (in this case the ovary, oviduct or womb) rather than to tinker 3. The state of Kansas plus a few more midwestern states could grow and supply wheat for the entire world. through another organ, particularly when the intermediate is as important and complex as the pitutary gland, which 4. The Mekong Delta in Vietnam could supply rice regulates a dozen vital body processes.” for all of Asia. A letter by a Dr. Karl Kautsky apeared in the Journal 5. In India, the simple substitution of brown rice, which of the American Medical Association several years ago is so much more nutritionally valuable than white rice, which should give all concerned second thoughts about would substantially lower the death rate from malnutri­ the Pill: tion and improve the health of diseased millions. “Most females in German concentration camps lost Through constant publicity, promotion, and reiteration, their menstrual periods, sometimes for years . . . After they have suceeded in getting the public to accept the their release from these camps most of the younger in­ Pill as the best answer to “exploding populations” and mates . . . later became pregnant; but there was startling “lack of food.” Most people have forgotten or perhaps after effect ... In a high percentage . . . pregnancies ended never knew that there are other alternatives, such as in spontaneous abortions or still births or produced mal­ political, economic and educational means, including formations, particularly mongolism” national family planning via mechanical methods rather This experience with long lasting suppression of ovula­ than chemical. tion should caution against recommending a method on- JNo one has denied that the pills arc effective contracep­ a mass basis which might produce similar consequences. tive devices. If used strictly according to directions they Non-surgical and non-medical praticitioners such as may be 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. nutritionists and chiropractors whose concern in with a But at what a cost! more natural approach, also feel that oral contraceptives And why are they necessary? are synthetic hormones which do not necessarily duplicate There are other effective types of contraceptives. the ones produced in a w om an ’s body and may do ad­ There are the intra-uterine devices known as the IU C D ’s ditional damage in years to come, as some synthetics tend or IUDS which are fitted and inserted by a physician, and to accumulate in the body. according to the World Health Organization, can be used Dr. Raymond Vandc Kiele, endocrinologist at New “successfully” by 3 out of 4 women. Y o rk ’s Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center, stated in These devices include the loop, the bow, the spiral and a similar vein: “What happens when the body suppresses the ring. Some are made of polyethylene, others of metal. the pituitary is one thing; what happens when a synthetic The percentage of reliability in preventing pregnancy hormone suppresses the pituitary may be something else of the 4 different types of IU C D ’s is supposed to be entirely.” "about” 95%. However there have been cases where A poll of the medical advisory committee of the X-rays have shown a pregnancy with the loop “attached” Chicago Planned Parenthood organization several years to some part of the anatomy of the unborn fetus — also ago revealed that a majority of the physicians said they “occasional” cases of tubular pregnancies. would not prescribe oral contraceptives for their own Other disadvantages are expulsion, pain, bleeding, wives and daughters. pelvic inflammatory disease and in some cases actual perforation of the uterus. It has been suggested that the drug companies are a Most progressive doctors believe that the most reliable main force in encouraging use of the Pill, as they stand and safest contraceptive device is the rubber diaphragm to gain billions. Their take from the Pill alone this year plus spermacidal jelly. This is a rubber device cupped over approaches the billion dollar mark. the cervex (neck of the womb) to block passage of the Certain political forces, who fear that expanding, sperm to the egg. It is inserted when needed together with hungry, underprivileged populations might lean toward spermacidal jelly. It is inexpensive and with proper care socialism, are also involved. lasts for years; however, it must be fitted by a physician in order to be reliable and effective. About the Author There are no unpleasant side effects or threats of Jack Soltanoff is director of the Soltanoff Chiropractic unknown future damage. So why take into the body a Office in New York City; he is a member of the New York potent drug which furnishes another area for altering the Academy of Sciences. b o d y ’s natural processes?

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The Pill is a present fad and a dangerous one, but there A crowd circles around to watch. are already plans afoot to outmode the Pill. Injections “Why is n ’t anybody dancing?” an assistant director o f the same substances found in the Pill will be the newest whimpers into his walkie-talkie. “We need shots of frug- thing shortly. ging-” Some of those in positions of power and authority have At this point, the happening is being absorbed into the further plans for American females — a single adminis­ superior realities of the beach. But K a p ro w ’s major effort tration of hormones in a single capsule which would last of the day is yet to come. All at once, up there at Inflation for 20 years. Central, a 5 0 -foot black vinyl phallus is taking shape suck­ I f that is not frightening enough, a really disturbing ing up air from four yoked vacuum cleaners. item recently came out o f Texas. According to Time magazine, scuptor Charles Frazier Dr. Joseph W. Goldziehr, a Texas physician, really calls his creation a “soft skyscraper.” believes in a forceful approach to birth control and states Pumping this K la n sm a n ’s nightmare of black power was in future years due to the pressure o f that old bugaboo, easy enough. But, as so often in real life, getting it up population explosion — "There will be no longer time for proved to be something of a hassle. There were people the utopia of mass enlightenment or for the mass persua­ yanking ropes, just like at the Macyis Thanksgiving Day sion of people who may not be sufficiently ‘advanced' parade. They would get the bottom rooted into the sand to understand the nature of the problem.” and then the tip would sag back over with the vinyl rippling Birth control substances may have to be put in our like a monstrous foreskin. food or water supply, he says, so that the whole population •This repeated for about 20 minutes. Kaprow and his (male and female) would be exposed, not just those band were leaping up at the sides of the giant penis, slapping people who have the ‘‘ad v a n ta ges of modern culture." silver friction tape over the air leaks. Finally, they got the This would resemble the forced “benefits” of fluoridation right balance of air pressure and rope teamwork, and the of water, with this exception — a special antidote to the whole quivering black column of prick rose majestically birth control chemical would be given to those people from the beach to a disappointingly blase cheer. who wish to have children. The erection lasted 15 minutes and then they sent it “If such an antidote were freely available to all,” he crashing back down, inviting one and all to destroy it with says, “there could be no ‘ethical’ objection to the chemical folded oil drum tops. It was only kids who rushed to respond sterilization of entire populations.” to the castration call with joyous cries of, "Kill, kill!" No L e t’s hope that Dr. G oldziehr’s views are in a minority adult could have taken part in such a mutilation. and not the major medical approach for the future. (Overheard from a blanket group: “You drive three hours There has been very little alarm or questioning about to get to a decent beach and they make it a Coney Isla n d .”) the almost indiscriminate use of a potent drug which The rock ’n’ rollers start up again, Hyatt wants shots tends to weaken the b o d y ’s natural defensive ability plus of them against the backdrop of the mighty Atlantic. But the radical altering of normal female function. this time everybody starts dancing around the band and The consensus of ‘scientific’ opinion seems to be (1) w o n ’t move aside, despite the orders of the assistant director. that there is no cause for alarm, that most women can On Sunday, a black vinyl flag is supposed to mark where take the Pill (in spite of a great deal of evidence to the to leave the highway to get to Montauk Bluffs, a spectacular contrary) unless there is conclusive evidence of some private-property cliffside beach donated for the next event. damage to many individuals; and (2) that there should I drive back and forth from Montauk village to the light­ be “further study” and “further tests.” house point. No flag. I find some more happening faces However, there is enough evidence to show that every back in town and we team up to get directions. woman who has taken or is taking these birth control Back again to the unmarked turnoff where, after some chemicals probably has been or is now being damaged more wrong moves, I can sec the landmark house of seven to some extent. It may take longer than just a few weeks gables on top of a hill. I get off to a bumpy dirt road and or a few months, perhaps years before the ultimate th e re’s the first GAS sign. The mighty ’59 Volkswagen roars damage to the human organism shows up. up this oxpath and, finally, up by the Addams Family man­ "Further study” and “further tests” are decidedly not sion, a set of cop cars is waiting. in order. Cop: You gotta pass to this here happening? Certainly the unalterable fact remains that there is Me: Yeah, want to see my button? enough harmful evidence to date by reputable authorities Cop: W h at’s the name o f the happening? to warrant a complete halt to the manufacture and dis­ Me: Gas, baby, gas! tribution of these powerful and unpredictable hormonal At last I park by the looming cliffs in an eerie grey agents. sunset. Way down below on the rocky beach the Kaprow squad is setting up four mysterious black vinyl teepees. In GAS — I'M A HAPPENER the chilly water, a lone mad surfer wipes out every time. A cleancut potato farmer wearing a rubber coat with FIRE (Continued from Back Cover) CHAPLAIN on the back lounges against one o f the dual Watching Kaprow inflate balloons is not my idea of enter­ fire engines and observes a team in white jumpsuits setting tainment so I go swimming and make the acquaintance of up Kiddie Fire Foam Generators—the foam machines look a girl in a bikini who is trying hard not to get her shades pretty phallic to o , with their 20-foot-long canvas spouts and false braid wet. dangling. Suddenly everybody is going, “Oooh, Oooh!” Three sky- The twin camera crews set up— the underground movie­ divers plunge down towards the ocean. (Missed the beach; makers grooving freely and the union TV crew bitching sorry about that.) A siren blasts, pink smoke flares and with sullen professional boredom. The beach tentbuilders balloons float up to meet the parachutes. The only rock and the clifftop TV crew yell at each other through bull­ band that has succeeded in setting up begins clanging away. horns about a missing staple gun.

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“If you have a bad heart, d o n ’t climb down the cliff (th at’s low-budget intcllectual-ghetto-TV biz folks) and with us,” says Kaprow. “The foam may be ankle deep Kaprow gets up on a little platform to exhort everybody down there and probably slippery.” Somehow, about fifty to join the garbage pit parade. As he drones out his instruc­ people have made it up the dirt road past the fuzz and tions, some no/i-happeners are over at the side of the pit most of them line up to be issued broomhandles and dumping in genuine garbage. shepherd staffs by Kaprow and Carol. This time I want a gig that will allow me to watch the Now it ’s time to descend the cliff, which is somewhat whole thing as a total pattern rather than being in the hairy with everybody bunched together and clawing at the middle o f the action. (Yesterday there were still kids who rocks. I find out the hard way that my sneakers d o n ’t have w o u ld n ’t leave the foam as I walked along the cliff to much tread left. For the first time, I get hip to the point my vw and it looked pretty wierd from above.) So I of a shepherd staff: you can move right out across rough volunteer to go to the deep end of the pit and push over ground without looking down at your feet all the time. a pile of oil drums on cue. Up over our heads, th e re’s a whirring gooop sound and Down below, Kaprow and Carol are giving little orienta­ the foam machine tubes orgasm out a lacy filligrce of tion lectures to the vinyl-wrapped “mound people” who are white. But within seconds the filligrce oozes into a menacing leading the march. With the scream o f some kind o f aerosol- white mass and begins to pour frighteningly down the cliff powered siren, the foam machine spouts start glooping out in front o f us. I t ’s the Invasion of the Giant Sperms. more white spermy ooze. Kaprow steps into the Foam, leading as always. Next Kaprow places himself in the middle of the procession in line is a blonde Hamptons WASP chick. She pokes a and waits nonchalantly. The Time researcher broad is foot in and mutters, “Hmmm, it ’s not unpleasant.” Then marching too this time, for a change. She waits brightly th ere’s a waiting line of people working up the cojones to with a notebook as the foam mounts around her. step into the foam. By the time I immerse myself, the goo is more waist-high than ankle-high and some o f the little Slowly and with ponderous menace, the foam overtakes kids are up to their chins. the waiting paraders after first piling up in front of the The stuff has a slightly drying detergent effect but it canvas spouts and causing the eviction of a gang of splash­ feels great actually . . . like a giant bubble bath. Every­ ing kids. The mound people step out, moving with great body is splashing around now, throwing gobs of white glop mysterioso dignity in their black vinyl shrouds just behind at each other. Some o f the teenagers are really wallowing the advancing line of foam. There are about 60 marchers, around and they look like albino wolfmen in their thick interspersed with magazine photographers charging around whitish pelts. A chick with a leather vest teams up with with their leica arrays. me to take on a bunch of kids in a foam battle. Next I What ceremonial! What ritual absurdity! Then suddenly express myself by wearing a big glop o f foam on my head . . . crisis! like a beret. The slope of the garbage pit must have been bulldozed Suddenly water is pouring down on us from two fire out at a slant. The foam line has stopped dead along one engine hoses. Paranoia! I t ’s a trap! T h ey ’re going to drown half of the pit. Mound people arc trapped forlornly as the us! A guy with a $1,000 Nagra tape recorder is desperately white ooze is conquered by the steadfast soil. Re-aiming the shielding his machine. Then the shower lifts and the hoses foam tubes d o e s n ’t help. The line-up turns to utter shambles arc making a rainbow stream over our heads into the as the other half of the mound people continue their advance ocean. They just d id n ’t have the range right at first. to the roped-off barrel drop area. “Keep moving, please. D o n ’t bunch up in the foam,” the The assistant director yells, “Go!"— and I rush out with walkie-talkie assistant director is yelling from the far side the others to knock over my stack of three oil drums. of the white field. The hell with him, w e’ll leave when They go boomping to the bottom of the pit, about 30 feet w e’re good and ready. deep here. Kaprow ends the mass chaos by signaling the It looks like I’m wearing foam trousers by the time I mound people stuck behind the impotent foam line to just leave the bubble ground with the leather vest chick . . come down and grab a barrel. who turns out to be a New Jersey art teacher here to do The return up the slope of the garbage pit commences, a paper for her NYU summer grad class. Guys keep run­ as the mound people whip off their vinyl cloaks and become ning up and pointing Arriflex cameras at us. A star! At regular people once more. The oil drums quickly pick up last! a coating of mud and foam as they are rolled back uphill. We climb the cliff at the far end of the beach, our staffs Teams are formed to help with the struggle. pocking into the sand. By the time we crawl over the top. The foam-covered pit marchers begin to return to the the foam has disappeared, leaving only a slight dampness. surface of the garbage dump again as Gordon Hyatt is Gordon Hyatt is standing at the edge of the cliff with a waiting to hand them GAS— I AM A HAPPENER buttons. microphone, doing interviews. Carol Schwartz is waiting alongside with another release to be signed and one dollar Finally there is just one ex-mound person left rolling his for each performer. “Now I can get supper," cries the oil drum out o f the pit— a real loser type, radiating straight­ leather vest chick, clutching her dollar. ness and sincerity. He was the last to grab a barrel and Monday morning it looks like all happenings will have nobody teamed up to help him. As he finally gets to the to be called on account of rain. They do miss their a.m. top o f the slope, one of the foam machine operators decides session of kiddies in an auto graveyard. But by late after­ to empty out his machine and the white goop blasts out noon the sun is shining brightly over the Easthampton all over this kid. "No, no," he screams. Town Garbage Dump at the Springs Art Colony, and sani­ And then— in one of the most magnificent attacks on the tation engineers are waving the cars in alongside an almost System of all time— he shoves his oil drum up the dripping virginally new garbage pit. end of the phallic foam tube and walks away grinning as The foam machines are setting up again, Gordon Hyatt the canvas machine cock begins to swell up and the operator is huddling with a production assistant about expense money grabs frantically for the dials.

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"Mickey Mouse is a Jew ." (The young BESS Economics man who turned this one in writes: “I “There was a man from Boston (Continued form Cover) laughed at this statement because I had Who traded his Ford for an Austin. go to the toilet: possibly because their always considered Mickey Mouse to be He had room for his ass pencils and pens a ren ’t handy. Certainly a Christian . . . an idea that is basically And a gallon of gas most of the w om en ’s material turned in ludicrous, since rodents do not, to my But his balls hung out the window by Professor Dundes’ research people is knowledge, adhere to any formal reli­ And he lost them." (Standard Oil sta­ of poor quality. Whatever was good prob­ gion.” At a later date, another informant tion, Salmon, Idaho. The uneven literary ably was done by dykes wearing shirts found this entry in a Berkeley tavern: quality is typical of the N orthw est’s that had pencils in the pockets. “Donald Duck is a Jew.” This, in turn, graffiti.) I have separated the data into ten apparently produced the following entry “If you shit here, eat here— major genres. The most commonly-found in the m en ’s room of The Pelican, the We d o n ’t want just the tail end of one is The Trials of the Flesh—works UC humor magazine: “David Ben-Gurion your business.” (Place of inscription not written by men who resent having to go, is a D u c k ”) specified.) and particularly hate any public display "Machines are made by men and thee. “Do n ’t buy this gum, it tastes like of the fact that they have bodies. The But only Moms can make a m e." (In rubber.” (Written on a contraceptive other major genres are: Religion, Politics, The Blue Unicorn, a San Francisco coffee dispenser in a gas station in Cocoa, F la.) Economics, Philosophy, Belles Lettres, house. The absence of “dad” in this con­ “Please d o n ’t throw cigarette butts in Original Sin, Science, The Survival of the cept introduces the idea of virgin birth, the toilet; it makes them soggy and hard Species, and Erotica. There is one minor and gives mom supernatural powers.) to light.” (This, in its many forms, is as genre, Deviates. Belles Lettres much of an early American classic as, Here are examples, listed in the order “We aim to please—you aim, to o , “There was a young couple named of their redeeming social importance: p lea se .”) [Kelly, The following entry is of even more Politics Who went around belly-to-belly. importance, in its various guises: "When I look down I see G oldw ater”. Because in their haste "Here I sit, lonely hearted, (City College of San Francisco, summer They used library paste Paid a nickel, only farted.” (The 23- of ’64.) Instead of petroleum jelly." (In Dwin­ ycar-old girl who reported this item, com ­ “Stay seated—this is a CORE shit-in." dle Hall on the Berkeley campus.) ments: "This is a dig at the crass com ­ (UC Library m en ’s room, Berkeley.) “Art is a fart." (In the Old Spaghetti mercialism of pay to ile ts.”) Another ver­ "Flush twice; L.A. needs water.” (The Factory ca fe , San Francisco.) sion is: Jabberwock coffee house, Berkeley. The “Old fairies never die, "Here I sit, broken-hearted, investigator who brought this in writes: They just blow away." (In a Bay Area Paid to shit “It is a reflection of the Northern Cali­ tavern.) And only farted.” (The chap who fornia antipathy toward the Southern “Pica sso ’s balls: □ □ turned this one in writes: "The humor Californian; i.e., ‘Sewage is good enough (The Student Union, Berkeley campus.) in this verse comes from (1) the fact for the people of Los Angeles to drink.’ ”) “To love is human, to fuck divine." that the pay-toilet patron felt he had "Castro is gay.” (A San Francisco (In the Forum, a Berkeley restaurant. wasted his money because he had 'paid bar.) This is a corruption of a classical slogan to shit’ (defecate) and ‘only farted’ “NASA stands for National Association of the League for Sexual Freedom: ‘To (flatulated) . . . which he could have of Suck-asses and Ass-Holes." (This was masturbate is human, to fuck d iv in e.”) done without the use of the to ile t. ”) inscribed on a m en ’s room wall in Cape The Trials of the Flesh The Survival of the Species Kennedy in 1965. Beneath it, in another "Happiness is getting here on time.” "In case of atomic attack: handwriting, was written: “You must be 1. Put your hands over your ears. just passing th rou gh .”) (A Berkeley m en’s room.) “It d o e sn ’t do any good to line the 2. Put your head between your legs. “Directions to get to Texas: G o west 3. Kiss your ass goodbye.” (This is until you smell shit— that’s Oklahoma. seats; crabs here jump 15 feet." (In an Oakland department store.) “commonly found in gas stations,” says Then go south until you step in it— that’s “You d o n ’t buy beer here, you just rent Professor Dundes’ researcher.) T exa s.” (From a source in Manchester, “You arc holding the future of America N.Y.) it.” (In The Oasis, a Palo Alto bistro.) One author begins by describing what in your hands.” (This item had its origin “LBJ fucks birds." (Robbie’s Cafeteria, he feels are defects in the female geni­ in the days of undcrpopulation. It was Berkeley. The item was turned in by a talia, and he concludes with this line: turned in by a student who then com ­ young lady who wrote that it was “both ments: “This is humorous in that the a slur at Lyndon Johnson and a play “But cunt, O cunt, thou must be h ad." reader is not expecting a remark about on words. Johnson’s w ife’s name is Lady The theme o f disgust with genital or­ gans was put much better by William his sexual potential as a male when he Bird (nickname), hence the choice of is urinating.”) animal. The slur is embodied in the Shakespeare in Sonnet No. 152— (“Th e “Where th ere’s dope th ere’s hope. charge of sodomy." It might be argued, expense of spirit in a waste of sham e.”) Take tea and see.” (R obbie’s Cafeteria, however, that the author of this graffito “While y o u ’re reading this, Berkeley.) intended to introduce a theme of incest.) Y o u ’re peaing on your shoes.” (B oy’s room, Marshall High School, Los Angeles. “In case of atomic attack, duck under Religion Note the misspelling of " p e e in g ," by this urinal— it’s never been hit yet" (In "If Heaven was so cool, why did Christ which the author introduces a nutritional the chic sales for a Sacramento construc­ leave it?” (The Stcppcnwolf tavern, Ber­ element.) tion project— and many other places.) keley.) “No matter how you wiggle and prance “Support mental health or I ’ll kill youl” "God is dead—Nietsche.” ( K ib b y ’s The last two drops always run down (In The Steppenwolf tavern, Berkeley.) restaurant in San Mateo, Calif. Under [your pants." Original Sin this on e, in another handwriting, was: (This graffito, in numerous versions, is “God bless the toilet— “Nietsche is dead—God.”) found throughout the nation, even in It takes our sins away.” (In The Jab­ “God is a 6000-foot-tall, red jelly Iowa. It is similar, also, to the well- berwock, Berkeley. The fellow who b ea n ." (The Pizza Have restaurant, Oak­ known: "Stand close, the next person may gleaned it observes that this has “in­ land.) be b a refooted .’’) teresting psychological significance since

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it is a folk observation of the strange but Deviates DUNDES prevalent connection between body wastes Many of the men and boys who use and ‘sin.’ ”) m en’s rooms d o n ’t even read the graffiti “Whatsa matter, are you ashamed of (Continued from Cover) on the walls. This is unwholesome. Some In the important journal of obscene it?” (High up in a m en ’s room comer at of these deviates go so far as to put The Alley, an Oakland restaurant.) folklore, Anthropophyteia, one finds a their moral position on the record. Here "If you shake it more than three times, handful of brief collectanea, e.g. one is a commonly-found item: y ou ’re playing with it." (Wholesome entitled "Skatologische Inschriften” or “Those who write on shithouse walls ones by Fischer and von Waldheim, which masturbation is almost unknown in the Roll their shit in little balls. United States, a country in which most indicates the presence of the form in Those who read these words of wit modem Europe. A fair sampling of Mexi­ men wash their hands after each trip Eat the little balls of shit” to the urinal. As a result, this entry is can examples appeared in a chapter A variation on this one was inscribed one of the most popular in the land.) “Grafitos cn los Comunes” in Jimenez’ at the Hillbilly Tavern in Chicago: best-selling Picardia Mexicana. Science "If billies had brains as big as their ‘‘Me2 = 144” (The Broadway bar, San [balls, The classic study of the form in Amer­ Francisco. According to the girl who They w ou ld n ’t write on shithouse ica was made by Allen Walker Read who found this, "The meaning of it is, the [walls.” privately published it in 1935 under the length o f the a u th or’s penis, squared, euphemistic title. Lexical Evidence from equals 144 inches. Obviously his penis Folk Epigraphy in Western North Amer­ is 12 inches long, or twice normal ica: a Glossarial Study of the Low Ele­ length.")* ment in the English Vocabulary. The "The heat of the meat is inversely title page of this 83-page monograph proportional to the angle of the dangle." announced that the circulation was re­ (This Americanum is, unfortunately, stricted to students of linguistics, folklore typical of our engineering graduates.) abnormal psychology, and allied branches Philosophy of the social sciences. Professor R ea d ’s “Puritans with short muskets, step up term “folk epigraphy” raises the question of what to call bathroom wall writings. to the firing line." (Above a urinal in Damiscotta, Maine.) The term graffiti is too broad in that "People probably chipped these same it includes all kinds of inscriptions and things on the walls of Egyptian bath­ marks placed on walls. Moreover, the rooms 2000 years ago. So progress is a walls may be any walls, not just bath­ ball point pen.” (In the Florentine, a room walls. Professor Read included in defunct Berkeley coffee house.) his compilation everything he saw on "Roses are red, violets are blue, walls during an extensive sight-seeing trip I’ve had a finger made in the western United States and But never a screw.” (This is one of Canada in the summer of 1928. Much of the few robust items posted in a w om en ’s his material is traditional in form only, room on this continent. It was collected but not content. The various homosexual at a place called "White Pine" in On­ rendez-vous requests with listings of di­ tario.) mensions and telephone numbers arc "O ssie ’s mirth does Rickety pergoo.” clearly traditional in form and are surely (In a Colonial House restaurant in Buf­ worth studying as indicators of one of falo, N.Y. “Ossie”, of course, is all of the obvious functions of m en ’s rooms in us. "Pergoo" probably refers to the com­ (In the Mediterraneum, a Berkeley cafe. a culture which forbids homosexual mon mucous heritage of all o f us.) 201 is the extension for the city vice activities. Erotica squad.) However, the specific content of these “What’s the speed limit on Highway " D o n ’t count your chickens before they assignation attempts is often idiosyncratic. [69? [hatch, The folklorist is primarily interested in —Lickety split.” (In a Wheeler Hall T h ere’s many a slip twixt the cock those mural inscriptions which arc tradi­ w om en ’s room on the Berkeley campus. [and the snatch." tional in both form and content. Thus It is a rare example of female overt (This observation on the rapid increase while he may record the hapax logomena expression about this type of sexual of American male impotence was found or one-time occurrences, he is more con­ camaraderie.) in Dwinelle Hall on the Berkeley cam- cerned with those which have multiple "Suck, d o n ’t fuck; pus.) existence, that is, those which are found “If y o u ’re in love, oral copulation can The following one was done in ex­ with almost exactly the same form and be beautiful." (This was done in pencil tremely fine print in the same hall. It wording in many different places. Obvi­ and lipstick in the w om en ’s room of the took considerable squinting to decipher ously, a one-time occurrence may become Blind Lemon bar in Berkeley. How in­ this message: "If you can read this . . . traditional in time, but the vast majority teresting it is that no such tribute to the Fuck you!” of the nontraditional graffiti are much arts of love was reported in from a m en ’s A similar approach was used opposite too localized to diffuse easily. For the room! The men seem to be insensitive. a watercloset in Summerfield Hall at traditional inscriptions, I propose the term If I am ever called to testify on this Kansas University, Lawrence, Kansas. The latrinalia. This is preferable, I think, to subject before a Congressional commit­ sentence, "If you can read this, come the closest thing to a folk term, “shithouse tee, I will propose that all American men closer,” was repeated eight times, ever poetry,” inasmuch as not all latrinalia is should be taken on tours of w om en ’s lower on the wall, and in ever-dwindling in verse or poetic form. rooms.) print sizes. The final message was: “You Before examining the nature of latri­ are now shitting at a 45° angle." nalia in America and discussing its • Nothing in this paper is intended to In closing, it is fitting to acknowledge significance. I should like to comment suggest that any of Professor Dundes’ our debt to the mothers of America, briefly on the failure of American social female informants went so far as to without whose toilet training these graffiti scientists to study this kind of material. enter a m en’s room. would not have been possible. It is curious that it is perfectly permis-

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sible to investigate the graffiti of the In American culture, anything which the public context. Children in school past, say the graffiti of classical cul­ leaves the body from one of its various are taught to “excuse" themselves.. (Note tures, but it is not equally acceptable, apertures is by definition dirty. The tran­ that to "excuse oneself’ may carry the academically speaking, to study the graf­ sition is immediate. Saliva is not defiling sense of apologizing!) fiti of our own culture. The rationale is until it leaves the mouth. Similarly, nasal, The ironic part is that the child must apparently that it is safe to study the ear, or eye secretions (with the possible go through the public confessional act "once removed" whether once removed in exception of tears) are not offensive until of raising his hand to tell the teacher space or time, but not so safe to study they arc removed from the body. The and all of his peers that he wishes to what is all too readily available in emitted materials are frequently as dis­ answer a "call of nature." The child soon o n e ’s immediate environment. gusting to the emitter as to others. Few learns the gamut of farfetched euphem­ Perhaps one of the reasons why in­ Americans would bo able to drink a glass isms ranging from “washing" or “freshen­ dividuals arc attracted to the discipline of water into which they or someone else ing" up to “seeing a man about a dog,” of anthropology is that the "once re­ had just expectorated or even drooled. going to “shake hands with the head of moved" framework is provided. Arch­ It is true that French or soul kissing the family," or trying to do something aeologists, practicing "dirt archaeology,” allows for swapping spits, but in this about the fact that o n e ’s “back teeth are arc free to dig into the bowels of the case, the saliva is encountered while still floating." earth searching for buried treasures inside the mouth and it is presumably Note that the term lavatory literally among the remains of what men of the not deemed dirty. refers to cleaning and thus to sinks, not past produced. In this connection, arch­ A more mundane example would be toilets. Yet the word lavatory has become aeologists have even begun to indulge the removal of partly masticated food almost taboo and is now substituted for in the analysis of coprolites. Physical from the mouth. Since by definition any­ by newer euphemisms. Once in the school anthropologists are free to examine every thing which emerges from the body is bathroom, however, the behavior cannot part of the human body in great detail. dirty and disgusting, an unchewed morsel be anything other than to the point. Ethnographers can perfectly properly go may present a social problem. Does one It is in the public school bathroom into the "field” and voyeuristically ob­ grasp it with the fingers or with an eat­ (termed boys’ and girls’ “basement" at serve exotic customs, the analogues of ing utensil? Is there any sense of em­ my secondary school in Pawling, New which they might be embarrassed to watch barrassment at removing the morsel in York, though the rooms were not located at home in their own culture. front of others and realizing the removal in the basement) that important social (One is reminded of the folk defini­ is being observed? How does one dispose interactions take place. Boys meet there tion of anthropology: the study of man of the chewed bit of gristle? Is it placed to discuss the problems of the day while . . . embracing womanl) surreptitiously on o n e ’s plate and perhaps girls similarly go there to gossip. It is Even the unusually great concern with concealed with a convenient lettuce leaf? in many ways a place of comparative the finer points of kinship may reflect Of course, there is nothing inherently freedom from the normal restraints im­ an abiding and fundamental curiosity dirty. Man, not nature, makes dirt and posed by the adult world. The necessity about basic family relationships. That one can say that dirt, like beauty, lies of some sexual exposure no doubt con­ ethnographies reflect the culture of the in the eyes o f the beholder. The concept tributes to the b a th room ’s role as a place ethnographers as much as the people of dirt is part of culture and as such it of sanctioned license. It is in public bath­ described cannot be doubted. Germane falls into the province of the cultural rooms, particularly m en ’s rooms, that one to present study is the lack o f data anthropologist. finds latrinalia. in standard ethnographies on defecation One of the few places where dirt may The variety of latrinalia forms in­ and urination. When, where, and how arc be displayed and discussed in American cludes: (1) advertisements or solicita­ these acts performed? When and how culture is the bathroom, private and pub­ tions, normally of a sexual nature; (2) precisely is toilet training for infants in­ lic. Bathrooms, generally speaking, are requests or commands, often concerning troduced? One can read an entire ethno­ status symbols and not infrequently the mechanics of defecating or urinating; graphy without ever coming upon any houses are measured in part by the num­ (3) directions, which consist of false reference to these daily necessities. The ber of bathrooms they possess. It is in or facetious instructions; (4) commen­ study of man must include all aspects the home bathroom that the child is taries, cither by the establishment or by of human activity. taught to deposit his feces and urine. clients; and (5) personal laments or in­ Since ethnography, like charity, should Here is one place where he is allowed trospective musings. These categories are begin at home (how can we possibly to manipulate his genitals and expose not hard and fast and they are not perceive the bias of our accounts without them to view, either his own view or necessarily mutually exclusive. A samp­ fully understanding our own culture?), the view of others. ling of each of the categories should the study of latrinalia is clearly a le­ Not only are the genitals and buttocks serve to illustrate the nature of American gitimate area of inquiry. One must not exposed, but the products of micturition latrinalia. forget that it is humans who write on and defecation may also be observed. The majority of advertisements are bathroom walls and humans who read Later, in public rest rooms, the child probably not traditional in that indivi­ these writings. soon learns that he must make public duals simply write their own names and As one writer has put it, "Stereotyped what has hitherto been private. He must telephone numbers. Furthermore, in view and crude, our lavatory inscriptions are urinate alongside strangers and in the of the paucity of published materials, it the measure of our social fixations; and course of so doing, he may observe the is difficult to ascertain whether or not that enterprising anthropologist who is organs of others in the act just as these a number of items have appeared else­ said to be collecting photographs of them other individuals may observe him. where. Typical “want a d s," which may in all parts of the world should reveal Despite the overt behavior, the cul­ or may not be traditional, include: more of the truth than all of the bom­ turally prescribed pretense that such 1. For a good blow jo b , call 777-2024 bastic historians who will so soon be activities do not exist, as manifested in Bill, d o n ’t call, it’s me, Bob. clothing our grotesque society with digni­ the taboo against referring directly to 2. I’m big. 9” long, 3" round, and fied phrases and political stercorations, them, continues. The large number of ready to go. representing its present antics as studied euphemisms attest to that. The private (In another hand) How big is your movements, to be explained in terms of family idioms of the home, e.g. to go prick? high principles and rational conduct” potty, to do number one (urination) or In view of the nontraditional content of So then let us proceed with our essay number two (defecation), to wee wee, most latrinalia advertisements, I will pro­ in hard core ethnography! to make a p o o , etc., cannot be used in ceed to the more common traditional

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category of requests or commands. The Some commands are concerned with 28. Support mental health or I ’ll kill following are usually placed near m en’s toilet flushing. you. urinals: 17. Flush your toilets for W ich ita ’s In the “directions” category, one finds 3. D o n ’t throw cigarette butts in the sake. (Hutchinson, Kansas, circa mostly parodies. In the following text, urinal— it makes them soggy and 1958) the accuracy of the first line and of the hard to light. 18. Flush twice: L.A. needs water. order of the remaining lines was ques­ 4. Please do not throw butts in the 19. Flush hard. I t ’s a long way to the tioned by the informant. It is, however, urinal. D o we piss in your ash kitchen. an excellent example of a latrinalia verse trays? This insult to the chef is a reversal of of the "how-to-do-it-yourself’ variety. This is strikingly similar in style to the the conception that man is a dirt-making 29. If you want to shit at case private swimming pool sign which reads: machine which transforms food into Place your elbows on your knees We d o n ’t swim in your toilet feces. This conception is illustrated by a Place your hands upon your chin Please d o n ’t piss in our pool. latrinalia verse in French which was found Work your asshole out and in. The pool sign reflects, of course, the fact in Oxford, England in 1947: "Ici tombent 30. Directions to get to Texas: G o west that Americans do in fact urinate in en mines les merveilles de la cuisine.” until you smell shit, that’s Okla­ swimming pools (just as American infants In the above text and the following, the homa. Then, go south until you urinate in their baths)! "natural” procedure is reversed as feces step in it — that’s Texas. (Manches­ A large number of urinal latrinalia become food. ter, New Hampshire, circa 1953) specifically ask for care in aiming the 20. D o n ’t flush the toilet. The next man 31. In case of atomic attack . . . stream of urine. Typical examples of might be hungry. (Chicago, 1960) 1. Put your hands over your ears this “toilet training” tradition include: 21. Please flush the toilet. 2. Put your head between your legs 5. We aim to please. We want the niggers to starve to 3. Kiss your ass goodbye. Y o u ’ve You aim too please. death. (A Missouri caf6 , 1965) had it 6. It is our aim to keep this place There is also some instruction designed 32. In case of attack, hide under this clean. Your aim will help. to keep the toilet seat clean. urinal. Nobody ever hits it. (Great These are often written by the manage­ 22. Here is the place we all must come Lakes, Illinois, 1951) ment. A common request urges men to T o do the work that must be done There are also false directions which arc stand close to the urinal to reduce the D o it quick and do it neat really a form of what folklorists some­ chances o f spillage. But please d o n ’t do it on the seat. times call a catch. Repeated many times, 7. Stand up close. The next man might 23. Boys we all must use this throne each time in smaller writing is the line: have holes in his shoes. Please keep it clean and neat “If you can read this come closer.” Then 8. Stand close, the next person may Shit down the hole God damn your at the bottom right below a miniscule be barefooted. [soul version appears the line: "You are now 9. Stand up close. And not upon the scat. shitting at a 45-degree angle.” In similar The next fellow may be a South­ (Camp Maxey, Paris, Texas, 1945) vein is the sign on the ceiling over the erner. The reference to “throne" recalls the urinal which says, “While y o u ’re reading And be barefooted. (Camp Maxey, euphemisms in other cultures which speak this, y o u ’re peeing on your shoes.” Paris, Texas, 1945) of going to the place where the king goes The content of the latrinalia com­ 10. If your hose is short on foot or alone. .A common American mentaries varies. Some are unexpectedly And your pump is weak fantasy technique designed to minimize intellectual. You better stand close o n e ’s awe of a great personage is to 33. ‘God is dead.”—Nietzsche Or y o u ’ll pee on your feet. imagine that individual at stool. “Nietzsche is dead .”—G o d 11. Old rams with short horns 24. For those in a hurry However, not many commentaries have please stand up close. (Fort Lewis, With no time to sit this kind of sophistication. Few American Tacoma, Washington, circa 1945) Please lift the lid latrinalia verses are as philosophical, for An appropriately localized version from For a more direct hit. (W om en ’s example, as the following latrinalia verse New England is as follows: restroom, Berkeley, 1963) popular in Spain: 12. Puritans with short muskets step up This may refer also to the practice of En este lugar cerrado to the firing line. (Damiscotta, many women of not actually sitting on donde viene tanta gente hace fuerza el mds cobarde Maine, circa 1950) a toilet seat but of squatting over it. One commentary complains about the y se caga el m£s valiente. Another example of latrinalia which nature of m en ’s clothing as opposed to The majority of American commentaries is posted by the management rather than w om en ’s clothing with special reference stay close to home. An “x” marked high the customers is one found in diners’ to defecation. over the wall of a m en ’s urinal is ac­ restrooms: 25. Women women what a blessing companied by the explanatory line: 13. If you shit here, eat here You can shit without undressing 34. Anyone who can piss this high We d o n ’t want just the tail end But we poor men we sons of bitches ought to be a fireman. of your business. Wc must strip or shit in our britches. One wonders if there is any insight here Occasionally, there are blason populaire (Camp Maxey, Paris, Texas, 1945) into the psychological rationale under­ latrinalia: The influence of television programs lying the motivation to become a fireman. 14. Shake well. Texas needs the water. and such contemporary events as de­ (Note the slang term “hose” for penis For the special case when a man urin­ monstrations by civil rights groups (e.g. and see text 10 in this paper.) One recalls ates into a toilet rather than into a urinal, the Congress of Racial Equality) is evi­ the desire of many small boys to grow special instructions aiay be found: dent in some commands. up to be firemen and custom o f adoles­ 15. Be like brother 26 Smile, Y ou ’re on Candid Camera. cent boys of urinating on campfires to Not like Sis This is usually writen on the inside of extinguish them. Lift the seat the door of the toilet stall. 35. Y o u ’re holding the future of Amer­ When you take a piss. (New York 27. Stay seated. This is a Core shit-in. ica in your hands. City, 1924) (University library, Berkeley cam­ Here is a reminder during the act of 16. Be like Dad and not like Sis pus, April, 1964) urination that the same organ is one Pull your lid before you piss. Some commands or requests are bitter used for reproduction. Note the pseudo- (Camp Maxey, Paris, Texas, 1945) parodies: patriotic responsibility to procreate.

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One common commentary deals with latrinalia. (Poetic features are found in ashamed of a n y on e’s hearing the sound the very real problem of those last drops other obscenity. One thinks of the alli­ of their urinating or defecating. Even the of urine which all too often drip down terative folk alternatives for saying “I’ve sound of a toilet flush is embarrassing into o n e ’s pants or down o n e ’s leg. been screwed,” to wit: to be “fucked by to some. The whole philosophy of pre­ 36. You can wiggle, jiggle, jump or the fickle finger of fate" or to be “dangled tending that the activity d o e sn ’t exist is [dance by the diddling digit of d o o m .’’) of course threatened by the possibility But the last three drops go down Another latrinalia comment on sexual­ of so m e o n e’s hearing the unavoidable [your pants. ity occurs in the folkloristic form of a tell tale sound. The listener, as opposed 37. No matter how you dance and toast: to the voyeur, is depicted in the follow­ [prance 49. H ere’s to the hole that never heals ing verse: The last two drops go down your The more you rub it the better it 58. Sam, Sam, the janitor man [pants. [feels Chief superintendent of the crap- 38. You can shake and shake as much AH the water this side of hell [ping can. [as you please C an ’t wash away the codfish smell. He washes out the bowls and picks But th ere’ll still be a drop for your (Camp Maxey, Paris, Texas, 1945) [up the towels [B.V.D.’s. The language of advertising can be And listens to the roar of other An English version has a different rhyme found to o . A borrowing from a Ban [m en’s bowels. for the same message. deodorant advertisement was found in The sound is also involved in some of 39. However hard you shake your peg November, 1965, on a prophylactic dis­ the onomatopoeic euphemisms, e.g. At least one drop runs down your penser in a Shafter, Nevada, restroom: "tinkle” meaning to urinate. [leg- 50. It takes the worry out of being Some latrinalia explore the motivations The “shaking” is also found in other close. for visiting bathrooms. latrinalia.. By far the best poetry is to be found 59. Some come here to sit and think 40. You are now shaking your best in the personal laments o f introspective But I come here to shit and stink. [friend musings category. One of the most popu­ (Camp Maxey, Paris, Texas, 1945) And he stood up for you on your lar of these is: 60.. Some come here to sit and think [wedding night. 51. Here I sit broken hearted And some come here to wonder (Camp Maxey, Paris, Texas, 1945) Tried (Came) to shit and only But I come here to shit and stink However, the shaking act can be suspici­ farted. And fart away like thunder. ous if carried on too long. Excessive The sadness is actually economic inas­ A comparison of the last two reveals how manipulation of the genitals could be much as one ordinarily pays to use most a two-line verse may be expanded into construed as masturbatory activity: public toilets. One must make a small a four-line verse. In the following verse, 41. If you shake it more than three deposit before entering the toilet stall. the expansion utilizes a different rhyme times, y o u ’re cheating. The ‘failure to get on e’s m oney’s worth,” scheme: There are other anti-masturbation verses. an important therhe in American culture, 61. Some people come to sit and think 42. Be a man, not a fool is explicit in some versions. Others come to shit and stink. Pull the chain, not your tool. 52. Here I sit broken-hearted But I just come to scratch my balls 43. This is a teepee Paid a nicked and only farted. And read the bullshit on the waUs. For you to peepee This last verse has a traditional response: All these latrinalia texts arc representa­ Not a wigwam 53. D o n ’t cry brother tive and they should serve to illustrate To beat your tomtom. You had your chance the nature of this on-going mural tradi­ Another topic of commentaries is the I d id n ’t have a nickel tion. However, these materials raise a cleanliness o f toilets. And shit (in) my pants. number of questions. Probably the most 44. No need to stand on the toilet seat There is also a combination of both intriguing questions about latrinalia are For the crabs in this place jump verses: psychological. Why are they written at [forty feet. 54. Here I sit broken hearted all and why in bathrooms? Why arc they 45. It does no good to line the seat Tried to shit and only farted. so much more common in m en ’s rest The crabs here jump fifteen feet. But think of the man who took rooms than in w om en ’s rest rooms? The last verse reveals the practice of [the chance There has been little theorizing about putting sheets of toilet paper on the top Tried to fart and shit his pants. the psychological functions of latrinalia. of toilet seats as a means of avoiding There arc other examples of American Reynolds has stated that generations of contact with the seat. This folk custom latrinalia with the introductory opening lavatory wall writers simply write for has recently become formalized by the formula, “Here I s it. " the pleasure of breaking a taboo, presum­ presence of paper seat cover dispensers. 55. Here I sit in stinking vapor ably the taboo of referring to body elim­ There are occasional political latrinalia. Some sonuvabitch stole the toilet ination activities. Allen Walker Read sug­ Here are several demeaning presidential [paper. gests that latrinalia probably results from candidate Barry Goldwater: 56. Here I sit in silent bliss many different motivations. Nevertheless, 46. When I look down, I see Gold- Listening to the trickling piss he notes that, “A principal reason is the water. Now and then a fart is heard well-known human yearning to leave a 47. Urine is goldwater; the only benefit Calling to the coming turd. record of o n e ’s presence or o n e ’s exis­ is derived from the comfort o f its (Los Angeles, 1918) tence.” If this is correct, the question removal. 57. Here I sit in solemn bliss remains, what is the psychological sig­ Mathematics, the language of science, Listening to the dribble of piss nificance of a yearning to leave a record has exerted some influence: And now and then a fart is heard of o n e ’s presence? 48. The heat of the meat is inversely Then followed by a thundering turd. Allen Walker Read has also observed proportional to angle of the dangle. (Camp Maxey, Paris, Texas, 1945) that writing latrinalia was the same order The heat of the meat, that is, the state These last two verses are obviously of activity as the carving of initials or of sexual excitement, is directly propor­ cognates and are related to the versions names on trees. Interestingly enough, tional to the degree of erection. The from Lake Tahoe and Visalia, California, psychoanalyst Ernest Jones tried to ex­ greater the erection, the less the "angle reported by Read. plain the later custom in his famous of dangle.” The internal rhyme in this Noteworthy is the sound aspect of the paper on “Anal-Erotic Character Traits." last verse shows the poetic quality of process of elimination. Most people are Jones hypothesizes that it may possibly

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be a derived and sublimated form of what reading in the bathroom, one can save with creative fcccs metaphors. It is usually he terms a “primitive smearing impulse," time and make it more productive. Addi­ men, not women, who are “full of it," the desire that infants allegedly have to tionally the reading also permits and en­ who are “BS artists" who tell “cock and handle and manipulate their feces, a courages the prolongation of the defeca­ bull stories.” desire whose fulfillment is invariably tion act.) In American culture, the emphasis is forbidden by toilet-training conscious Thus "eating” the dirty words com­ on productivity and the male must make parents. People who carve or write their pensates for the evacuated fecal dirt. Once much more than feces. He must make names arc leaving a memento of them­ again, the folk apparently agree with the something of himself and he must make selves which may injure and spoil some­ explanation: “Those who read these a living. The word "m ak e’’ is itself indica­ thing beautiful. words o f wit eat the little balls of shit.” tive of the productive component of defe­ Although Jones makes no mention of A more recent localized bit of latri- cation. An infant may be told to make Iatrinalia, I suggest that it may well stem nalia appearing in Berkeley supports the water, make weewee, make B.M., or just from the same impulse to smear feces writing-feces equation: plain make. As an adult in a "m a n ’s or dirt on walls. Dirty words are dirt 63. D o n ’t write on our walls world," he tries to make money or make by themselves, independent of the dirtiness We d o n ’t shit in your notebooks. time. Once he is successful, he may be of their referents. Certainly this theory —The Regents told that h e’s got it made. ‘Tim e is would explain why the writing was placed W hat’s found in our notebooks money,” the proverb says, but both time on bathroom walls in particular. The fact is shit anyway and money are symbolic fecal substitutes, that much of the content of Iatrinalia —The Students as folk speech and other folklore so does refer to defecation and urination (Main Library, U. C. Berkeley, abundantly attests (cf. to be filthy rich, would tend to support the assertion that 1965) to be rolling in it, to have money up the there is some relationship between the The equation of defecation and writing ass, to make o n e ’s pile, to have time on acts o f writing on walls and playing with is not limited to American culture. Ap­ o n e ’s hands, to pass time or piddle the feces. Farfetched as this may sound to parently in parts of Bulgaria, one who time away, etc.). some, it is precisely the explanation given has gone to the “thinking place” is de­ Time and money can be saved or by the folk! In one of the best known scribed as "thinking” or “writing." The hoarded; time and money can be spent Iatrinalia verses, the rationale for writing writing-defecation equation suggests that or wasted. In American ideal culture, Iatrinalia is as follows: the academic motto “publish or perish," saving is valued. Think of all the money 62. Those who write on shithouse walls an oicotypal example of what might be and time saving devices enjoyed by Roll their shit in little balls termed the alternative structure proverb Americans. Yet in American real cul­ Those who read these words of wit (cf. “do or die," “put up or shut up,” ture, prestige accrues to those who spend Eat the little balls of shit. “fish or cut bait," etc.), may be “shit or waste time and money. If a man wants Here is an explicit equation of the act or get off the pot” in symbolic disguise. to make it big or make a splash, he has of writing on walls with the manipulation One might remember that scholars are to produce, to put out. He ca n ’t sit tight; of o n e ’s own feces. It could not be said first supposed to amass great quantities h e ca n ’t sit on his material. Even God, any more plainly than “Those who write of data from which they are expected a masculine figure, is termed a maker, on shithouse walls roll their shit in little to "get stuff out regularly." (Cf. the notion which is entirely appropriate in view of balls!" of weighing the output on the scales at the ana! nature of m an’s creation, that From earliest childhood, the American the end of the year.) is, m an’s being molded from dust or dirt. is taught to deny his anus and its activ­ The suggested anal erotic basis of (Note also that the “fart-thunder” linkage ities. The smearing impulse is redirected writing may also explain why men rather so patent in the Iatrinalia hints at an to suitable substitute activities: working than women write Iatrinalia. According infantile origin of thunder gods as Roheim with modeling clay, finger paints, or to current theory, men the world over almost says.) throwing mud pics (cf. Ferenczi). Using suffer from pregnancy envy. In essence, words, dirty words, some individuals men arc envious of w om en ’s ability to The make metaphor also applies to finally do give vent to the impulse to bear children and they seek to find vari­ genital matters. A man is expected to sully walls. Since “dirt” is supposed to ous substitute gratifications, e.g. couvade make out, to make a woman and to make be deposited in the clean white receptacles behavior, having an intellectual "brain­ love. The couching of genital affairs in found in bathrooms, what more flagrant child,” calling their pet project their anal terms is paralleled by the whole act of rebellion than to place symbolic “baby," etc. concept of dirty words in American cul­ dirt on the very walls surrounding the Bettelhcim has assembled a good deal ture. Dirty jokes, for example, are largely receptacles! of convincing anthropological evidence genital, not anal in content. Yet jokes While Freudian explanations are not to document the pregnancy envy hypo­ about sex are called "dirty jokes.” The popular in anthropological and folklor- thesis. However, although Bettelheim does word on the sign at Berkeley was an istic circles, the fact that the folk con­ cite the instance of the Chaga m en ’s obscene word which no false acrostic, firm the Freudian explanation must be practice of stopping up their rectums as “Freedom Under Clark Kerr," could dis­ taken into account and explained by anti- a form of symbolic pregnancy, he does guise, but it was thought of as a dirty Freudians. The independent congruence not see that males commonly use their word (cf. the filthy speech movement— o f analytic and folk or native theories anuses to provide substitutes for parturi­ no pun on movement intended!) does, it seems to me, present a reasonably tion. Feces, like babies, are produced by One reason why gcnitality is considered convincing argument. the body. When a man defecates, he is to be “dirty" may be guilt by association. Noteworthy also in this connection is a creator, a prime mover. Women produce The organs concerned are recognized and the fact that the second couplet of the feces too, but since they can produce identified first as producers of urine, that above mentioned metafolkloristic text babies from within, there is less need is, as producers of dirt. Later it is dis­ corroborates another psychoanalytic in­ for women to emphasize this type of body covered that the sexual act is performed sight into toilet ritual. It has been sug­ product. by the same dirt-producing instrument. gested that the popular practice of read­ That women have less need of fecal This situation has been summed up by ing while at stool is essentially an act of substitute activities is suggested by the Yeats in his poem “Crazy Jane Talks incorporation designed to balance the fact that few women indulge in sculpture, With the Bishop” when he wrote: “But material which is lost through defecation. painting, blowing wind instruments, etc. Love has pitched his mansion in the (The common rationale for such read­ Certainly in American culture, it is men place of excrement." Here is dirt by asso­ ing is the desire not to waste time. By who are more concerned than women ciation.

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The desire to make o n e ’s mark or to leave something behind for posterity is also very likely involved in the writing Practical Uses for Condom s ISoiv That A of latrinalia. Defecation as a technique to mark a place for identification is The Pill Has Rendered Them Obsolete ^ found not only in folk tales but among other forms of primate life who appar­ ently demarcate territorial boundaries by John Francis Putnam alligators who live in the New York through urination and defecation. The sewers, flushed down to them a ton goal is also perhaps to achieve notice and What ever happened to rubbers? at a time. immortality by producing dirt. A final Recently a friend told us how, in a Thumb cymbals for spastics. example of latrinalia bears on this: moment of dire emergency (his date Halo dust cover for small religious 64. To the shithouse poet had forgotten to bring her diaphragm), statues. In honor of his wit he found himself obliged to go down Expendable coin purse for hoarding May they build far and wide to the corner drugstore and buy a Kennedy half-dollars. Great monuments of shit. pack of condoms. It took the clerk 20 Lens filter for arty effects when One wonders about the significance of minutes to find them, and as he blew shooting dirty movies. leaving great stone memorials. Many the dust off the package he remarked: Microphone muffler for a John great men have taken an active part in “Man, I wouldn’t trust these too much; Birch Society radio station. designing and building that which was they’ve been on the shelf so long they Incubating dish for penicillin spores. to remain after they had departed. There must be pretty stale by now.” Non-skid crutch tip. is the obvious phallic significance of Decidedly, the condom—or “sa fe ”— Individual serving dishes for large some monuments. The Washington monu­ is a thing of the nostalgic past, killed mushroom caps. ment is certainly appropriate for the off by the advent of the Pill. So what Non-slip thumb cover for bank tel­ father of our country. But the majority is going to happen to that gigantic lers counting paper money. arc massive pieces of stone, often in overstock of rubbers now filling ware­ All-weather holy wafer cover for the shape of little rooms or houses. houses all over the country? How can Catholic chaplains in Vietnam. (Writing on these walls involves epitaphs the reliable old manufacturers of Tro­ Low power suction units for 'cup­ rather than latrinalia.) The psychology jans, Triple-X, Silver Tex and Sheiks ping’ people with sensitive skin. of making o n e ’s mark, of leaving some survive? Here are some suggested Anal insert to prevent possible he­ memorial behind, may be related to uses, then, for that classic American patitis infection during back-scuttle American males’ desire to successfully Artifact, the prophylactic, “Sold for intercourse. the Prevention of Disease Only.” compete with females who can “make" Protective slip-on cover for au­ Matching hubcap covers for a 1926 children as their form of immortality. tographed World Series baseball. Rolls Royce. Colostomy bag for an armadillo. For those who may be skeptical of An all-weather beanie for Denny the theory that the psychological motiva­ Dimwit- by Tuli Kupferberg tion for writing latrinalia is related to Contact lenses for an octopus. an infantile desire to play with feces and Drum-head for a pygmy bongo. Disposable fart catcher. to artistically smear it around, I would Rain-hat for a vulture. Secret weapon with a reservoir tip, ask only that they offer an alternative Waterproof stash for scuba heads. filled with napalm for fucking the theory. For those who doubt that the Portholes for midget Japanese sub­ V C ’s to death. greater interest on the part of males in marines. Local draft board sperm-specimen latrinalia is related to anal creativity Sound filters for hi-fi headphones. collector. stemming from pregnancy envy, I would Monocle case for Prussian officers. Secret message-holder; throw into ask the same. Weatherproof cover for a police­ East River and see who picks it up. It is all too easy to elicit destructive m an’s badge. Message reads: “Is your pill chart criticism. We know that latrinalia exists. Disposable sanitary mouthpiece cover filled in?" What we want to know is why it exists for public telephones. and what function it serves. One day Shower cap for pin-headed “bird when we have more information about girl” from circus freak show. the writers of latrinalia (and perhaps Portable fallout shelter for cock­ psychological projective tests administ­ roaches. ered to such writers) and when we have Mute for a kazoo. better cross-cultural data, we may be Extruded belly-button truss. better able to confirm or revise the Miniature “poo cushion” (when two “Move in, Un­ attempt to answer the question. are partially welded together)...... cle John, y o u ’re Tarantula solarium. out of the picture * * • Crash helmets for sleeping bats. . . . Sis? T h a t’s This paper was presented at the 1966 Baggies for large kosher pickles. better . . Mom, meeting of the California Folklore So­ Emergency gas-tank cover for VW. y o u ’re good . . . ciety at Davis, California. I am in­ Two, joined at edges: a bra for Aunt May, y o u ’re debted to many of my students and Twiggy. b lo ck in g D a d ’s colleagues for contributing examples of A pair of earmuffs for LBJ. latrinalia. Unless otherwise indicated, all Four, as udder-protectors for cows face with your... materials were collected from m en ’s that graze in thistles. Fine! Hold it, rooms in Berkeley and the surrounding Lens cap for a proctoscope. everyone!” Bay Area in 1964. I am especially grate­ Non-skid doorknob cover. ful to psychologist Nathan Hurvitz who Drip pan for a hashish water pipe. provided all of the items from Paris, Mini-yamulka for Archbiship Cooke Texas. My thanks also to Sam Hinton to wear at interfaith rallies. for his suggestion that the paper be en­ Inner lining for small-size shetl. titled “Ars(e) Poetica." Organic roughage for the million

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REISNER m u sic." (Real Chinese Food Res­ England) taurant, Ave. B and 10th St., N.Y.) • “All you fuckin’ queers are being (Continued from Cover) • “Are you nervous, tense? Try my observed on closed TV by the CIA.” • "Dirty is only in the mind, so fuck 8-inch relaxer.” (NBC Studios, 30 (Toilet in University of Minnesota.) you.” (M en’s toilet at the Newport Rockefeller Plaza, N.Y.) • “How much cunt is enough?" Jazz Festival 1967.) • “Who wants a blow job?" • “For some reason I cannot stop eat­ • "Fuck all Puerto Ricans not that you “Suck my co ck ." ing pussy.” haven’t done it already.” Written underneath: The writing and drawing of ’ob scen e’ • “Stop me before I fuck more.” “My god, are you all queer at NYU? things have with minor exceptions always • "I am a fucker, I cannot help my­ D oesn ’t anyone fuck?” been the work of men. Women do not seem self.” To which someone added: to be titillated by such activity. A man • "Henry James must have fucked “Yes, bend over." (Toilet in N Y U ’s who leaves naughty messages is a sort somebody.” (Ladies’ room. L ion ’s main building Washington Square, of twice-removed exhibitionist. He gets Head Ltd., Christopher St., N.Y.) N.Y.) his jollies from the thought of the excite­ ment he will engender in the viewer. • “Do fairies fuck?” • “Blow job?" Written underneath: To which someone added with The bathrooom, alas, seems to be for “Ye$, if you believe in them." (The Christian zeal: some men the only source of satisfac­ West End Bar. West End Ave., N.Y.) ’Tr y Jesus” tion. Not being able to give birth to chil­ To which another person added: dren, many males take pride in the is­ • “Joe’s bicycle pump sucks!” "Why? Is he well hung? (A rch ie’s suance of large turds. It represents strength • “To shit is human, to fuck divine.” Cafe, Abilene, Texas.) and virility to them. (Ladies’ room. Le Metro Cafe, N.Y.) • "Third cock wanted for a Party." And so it was—in 1910 on a toilet • "Call SP-1—if I like your voice I’ll Reply underneath: wall in Germany—that this message was go down on you." “You ’re lucky and a freak if you ’ve found: “If I only could shit powerfully, • “I play the flute and swallow the got two!" (Men’s toilet, London, then I would fuck men or women.”

,'N/S/N/WVWWVNA/VWWNA/NA/VWVWWWV The Rising Yellow Tide The Rising Brown Tide by Saul Heller by Dan Lund «/wwwvwvwwwvws/vwwwwww'

A good subject for a Ph.D. thesis— and I offer it, gratis, Bobbie Kennedy turns on every feminine teenybopper to doctoral students unable to conjure up a dry, unimport­ within squealing distance. Georgie Romney stirs old long­ ant topic to write about— is why so many men who use ings in the heart of many a Mormon matron. Benjie Spock public urinals d o n ’t flush afterwards. has long been more than a comfort to young mothers. But Such an investigation would throw light into dark so­ of all the demi-candidates, no one is quite as moving as ciological, psychological and psychiatric corners—so much Ronnie Reagan. so, it seems astonishing never to find an eager researcher at I had an opportunity to observe the Ronnie-effect at first some public urinal, pencil and pad in one hand and penis hand recently on a flight from Sacramento to Los An­ in the other, genially asking questions of co-pissers. geles. The Governor boarded amidst much neck-straining I would certainly be most interested in a scholarly dis­ by the passengers and lapel-fondling by the stewardesses— sertation clearing up questions that have haunted me for all taken in stride by California’s seasoned celebrity. years. For instance: Reagan sat down near the front of the aircraft, close to Is this non-flushing bit restricted to public lavatories, or the toilet. does the non-flusher act the same way at home? Middle-aged ladies from all sections of the airplane If his habits are identical at home, what does his wife, queued up in front of the john. As they passed by Ron­ or his mother, or whoever lives with him, think of the n ie ’s seat, a coyly self-conscious stare was administered to practice? the Governor. The same ritual was, of course, performed Does a non-urine-flusher flush after defecation? on the way back. If he d o e s n ’t, does anybody in the family flush? But the important thing was that the bathroom trip was If somebody does flush, is it always the same person? not pro forma. Each one stayed too long inside and looked What motivates a person to flush for somebody else? too relieved afterwards to have been simply going through Have any homicides resulted from a failure to flush? the motions. What grievance pricks the non-flusher? Or perhaps we As the long line of suburban broads passed by, it became should phrase it, what grieves the non-flushing prick? clear that a political phenomenon of great significance Are four-flushers most likely to be non-flushers? was taking place. Ronnie was touching these constipated Does a non-flusher get sexual pleasure from the anticipa­ bitches in a manner most profound. tion that other men who are non-flushers will urinate into What the nationwide impact might be of Reagan as a his urine? Presidential candidate, I cannot accurately predict. I can Docs a non-flusher ever flush, because of risk of over­ reasonably conjecture, however, that a wave of regularity, flow, disgust, or absent-mindedness? a feeling of release, even a cathartic purge would com e to Evidently, rich cultural ore lies in these yellow waters. more than a few American women. L et’s hope some seeker after truth and a Ph.D. soon probes This, it seems to me, is in the national interest. Things for the answers. are stopped up all over the country. I, for one, am sup­ L e t’s also hope his degree is not held up by some non­ porting the Reagan candidacy. I’d like to see at least part flushing board of examiners. of America moving again.

June 1968 15 http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 80 - June, 1968 - Back Cover scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/realist/80

"W h ere’s the TV crew?” I inquire. “Huh?” he replies. Gas - I’m A Happener $ “Television, television,” I yell into his hearing aid. "N o television in church,” he says. "We d o n ’t want it.” by Nat Freedland * Our Lady o f Poland Church turns out to be around the corner from the parochial school— where I was at. I arrive just as Gordon Hyatt— wearing a Channel 2 sweatshirt— *'Organizational meeting of ‘gasa happening in East blows the whistle to start the big parade. About 50 people, Hampton. Viewing Room 'E'. (Participants may ask for evenly divided between kids, tanned Hampton surf teens Allen Kaprow)," announces the stack o f mimeo bulletins and the Upper Bohemes move out with empty oil drums, on the information desk of the CBS Broadcasting Center. sulpher flares and weather balloons that feel like scumbags. GAS signs upstairs guide the way through a labyrinth of One kid starts attacking balloons with his flare out of studios to a roomful of Upper Bohemia Hippies all sitting camera range, which momentarily sends Hyatt up the wall. on their folding chairs with the smug expressions o f those As the first wave reaches the station platform, Kaprow who have made T o n ig h t’s In Scene. and Carol Schwartz are upon donut-shaped hovercrafts, A prep school alumni type in a blue blazer detaches him­ machines that fly three feet off the ground powered by an self from the squad of official-looking people up front and air-blast motor. says, “Hello, I’m Gordon Hyatt, producer of CBS-TV Eye Kaprow is wearing a World War II leather p ilo t ’s helmet On New York. Thanks for coming and I hope y o u ’ll help over his beard and has wrapped himself in a cloak o f black us with the three-day happening this weekend. I think i t ’s vinyl. He looks pretty weird, and evidently realizes it full probably the biggest happening ever attempted. And now, well as he poses with brooding mystery while happeners on to tell you all about it . . . here he is . . . the man who the guide ropes tug his donut along. invented happenings . . . Allen Kaprow!’ Carol is in a silver-sequin Wonder Woman burleyque We U.B. Hippies applaud without losing our cool. costume, with white go-go booties and a motorcycle helmet. Kaprow, an avant-garde pioneer who has joined the estab­ She holds tight to handlebars, nervous about falling off. lishment to the extent of an art professorship at Stony She smiles and waves only when a photographer reminds Brook State University, is wearing dungarees and a denim her to. workshirt, his crew-cut neatly into a trim black beard. Hordes of photographers are running around through all ‘The first event will be a parade at the Southampton Rail­ this. An underground movie team and the TV crew are road Station with balloons and barrels,” he says in a flat, filming each other among the happeners. A bearded film­ dry, emotionless voice. “It ’s Saturday morning at ten. Please maker is doing pan shots on an arriflex while riding a be on time, we have to meet the train.” bicycle. Bystanders with Kodak brownies have been en­ Meanwhile, assistant producer chick Carol Schwartz is couraged to get out into the middle of things. handing out mimeographed instruction sheets. "Procedure: " I t ’ll be like lots of eyes staring back at the camera,” Participants will parade slowly, some pushing large drums, says Kaprow. some holding weather balloons and some carrying flares." Gordon Hyatt runs around with his walkie-talkie and Kaprow drones on and on . . . giant helium balloons . . . bullhorn, giving everybody GAS— I AM A HAPPENER foam machines . . . skydivers . . . dual rock bands on the big pink buttons. And now the 11:30 train pulls into the beach . . . climbing down cliffs . . . mound people in the station. Hyatt gets on the bullhorn and exhorts us happeners garbage dump. He sounds so serious about all this. I t ’s to demolish the balloons. Bang, bang, bang, bang. The terrible, makes the whole thing com e out as dull as a passengers get off the train into the middle of all this, PMLA session on Beowulf studies. looking around with embarrassed uptight smiles. (What the hell is going on, Maude? This is Southampton!) Finally, after about 45 incredibly boring minutes, he And here comes a weekending executive, suit and tie, says, “Now, please, I d o n ’t want you to worry about this attach6 case, Times, the whole bit. He marches right across in terms o f Art. Think of it as a game, a joyous childhood this idiocy field, looking straight ahead and ignoring the game where we can all let loose.” whole thing. Hup, two, three, four to the car. None o f this Everybody has been sitting through this with their most nonsense is going to distract him from his lunchtime lushing attentive faces on, they look as if th ey ’re worrying maybe at the summer place. they should take notes. I am developing an overwhelming Saturday afternoon we are happening at Amagansett urge to brake in and say I have an anti-Vietnam buddy who Beach, a somewhat less crowded and more arty enclave is planning to bum himself alive this weekend and could than the nearer-to-the-city Hamptons. K a p r o w ’s longhair you give him some camera time? denim squad is emptying helium tanks into another batch But I chicken out. Kaprow is so sincere in his bag that of balloons. (A GAS happening, get it?) Messages written it ’s impossible to think of putting him down before his at the organizational meeting are inserted into the balloons disciples. Carol Schwartz passes out releases for us hap­ to be distributed over the world. My note was. “Fuck the pening performers to sign so we w o n ’t sue CBS for putting Establishment.” I wonder if they used it. us on the television. Hyatt, now wearing shorts with his Channel 2 sweat­ Saturday I get up when this big, round glarey thing enters shirt, gazes sadly at the balloons already floating skyward the sky, and drive from the city to the Southampton LIRR and implores the waiting line of kids not to let go of any Station. The beachward traffic crawl delays my arrival till more until a siren is sounded. half an hour after the parade is due to start. My instruction Two rock ’n’ roll groups are plugging into generators on sheet says we are supposed to meet at the R.C. Church of the beach; their mission is to create a McLuhan soundmix Our Lady of Poland. Their parking lot is empty too, except of different songs played simultaneously. A skywriting plane for a hunched-over handyman with a hearing aid who looks overhead is laying out plugs for Hampton discotheques. like he came to answer a casting call for Polack Joke leads. (Continued on Page 6)

16 The Realist http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT