Long John Nebel Radio Talk King, Master Salesman, Magnificent Charlatan
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LONG JOHN NEBEL RADIO TALK KING, MASTER SALESMAN, MAGNIFICENT CHARLATAN Donald Bain 3111 Introduction by Jackie Gleason "And h-e-r-e's Long John, pitchman, radio talk king and one of the most fascinating slices of Americana I've ever known. I loved this book, and it opened a floodgate of memories for me. Long John Nebel pitched on the sidewalks of New York, while my turf was Atlantic City.That was a long time ago for both of us, and reading Bain's biography of one of the greatest talkers of our time was nothing but a delightful reading romp. Long John Nebel- the public personality and the man- knocks me out, and so did this book." -Ed McMahon,"Tonight Show." "I could not have invented a character like Long John Nebel. He's simply too unbelievable.... a remarkable and fascinating book about a remarkable and fascinating man."-Irving Wallace Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc. 866 Third Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022 50595 I 58.95 "Armed with his doctored oranges and confident of the visual impact that the freely pouring liquid would have on prospective buyers, Knebel launched into his sell. 'IVatch closely, ladies and gentlemen, as / demonstrate the won- ders of the extractor ...' Knebel squeezed lightly with his long, slender fingers, and watered-down juice trickled into a glass. He squeezed harder and juice gushed out. 'You squeeze a little, you get a little. You squeeze a lot, you get a lot.' By noon he'd sold out the gross and purchased another." That w.ts in I932-whet) he Ivasn't yet Long John Nebel-just Jack Knebel, but doing then what he's been doing ever since with consummate skill and con- troversial success: spieling, selling, mes- merizing, and entertaini ig. And people listened' to Nebel, no matter how out- rageous the shams, because they recog- nized a master when they heard one. The product or undertaking didn't make any difference: there was the curious but successful enterprise of the Sunfoot Remedies Company; I)r. Val Hubbard's booklet on sexual happiness; the "revo- lutionary new merchandising aid," bulb flashers; the short-lived banjo team of Knebel and Billson; and even a summer (Continuer) on back flap) I= -- (Continued from front flap) spent hawking for a circus telepathist, Lady Olivia. Donald Bain, author and sometime pan- elist on the Long John Nebel Show, has set down for the first time the full, frank life story of this extraordinary man, from his early days of shilling on Broadway to his years on radio as the "king" of the talk shows. Using interviews with both friends and enemies of Nebel, Bain dis- cusses the ups and clowns of Long John's career, his position in radio, his friend- ships and his feuds, his wives and his women, his memorable shows, the many panelists and great names who have ap- peared on the show (some of whom re- fused ever to return), and descriptions of some of Nebel's greatest "pitches." DONAI,U BAIN is the ghost writer of a number of popular bestsellers as well as the biographer of actress Veronica I.ake, and the author of 7'he Case Against Private Aviation. Mr. Bain has worked for many years on radio, televi- sion, and movies, and has been a fre- quent panelist on the Long John Nebel Show. LONG JOHN NEBEL Radio Talk King, Master Salesman, Magnificent Charlatan by Donald Bain Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc. NEW YORK Copyright © 1974 by Donald Bain All rights reserved. No part of this book may be re- produced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, re- cording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher. Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc. 866 Third Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022 Collier -Macmillan Canada Ltd. Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Bain, Donald, 1935 - Long John Nebel; radio talk king, master sales- man, and magnificent charlatan. 1. Nebel, Long John. HF5438.B223 791.44'092'4 [B] 74-1077 ISBN 0-02-505950-5 FIRST PRINTING 1 9 7 4 Printed in the United States of America LONG JOHN NEBEL ALSO BY DONALD BAIN: The Case Against Private Aviation The Autobiography of Veronica Lake (with Miss Lake) For my daughters .. LAURIE and PAMELA and Long John's daughter .. JACKIE Contents Foreword xi Introduction by Jackie Gleason xv PART ONE i "I don't even think about the pills anymore." 3 2 "You squeeze a little, you get a little...." 12 3 "Pardon me, sir, in your moment of grief." 28 4 "I have a bid of five for this quality watch...." 42 5 "My mother! ..." 51 6 "Dreamer of dreams, born out of my due time, ..." 59 7 "I bought the longest baton I could find...." 85 8 "Rin Tin. Tin's daughter went for her ankles ...' 109 PART TWO 9 "I -Go -Can -Please -Try -Quick -Hurry -Now -Come -Look" 121 10 Love in a Dark Room 136 "Let's call it Long John's." 153 ix x Contents PART THREE 12 "A jest's prosperity lies in the ear ... " 171 13 "Don't go, John!" 216 14 "They deliberately fucked up his career." 225 15 "I know you want me to be honest, John." 240 16 "The time has come," the Walrus said. 245 17 "Are you trying your best?" 250 18 never future...." `I think of the 255 19 "Cue the proposal." 256 Index 265 Fo reword There are, of course, certain advantages in writing about the living. ( Disadvantages too, as any lawyer can testify.) The living subject is there to be observed day by day, affording the biog- rapher generous first -person experiences. I've been observing Long John Nebel since 1964, and have been a regular panelist on his all-night shows since 1969. Our friendship began some- where around 197o. It isn't easy being Nebel's friend. It can be a tough, although rewarding, gig, as many of his musician friends would put it. He's very demanding in his friendships, and very giving. It becomes more difficult when you inform him and his friends that you're planning to write his biography. "Biography?" some of his friends say with lifted eyebrows. "Make it an autobiography," they suggest. "You don't have the right to delve into a friend's life for publication. It betrays the trust inherent in a friendship." I don't agree. Writing the story of Long Jchn Nebel was not conceived as a hatchet job. It was conceived with love and an abiding belief that he is one of the most unique figures to ever s't behind the microphones of a major radio station. For over xi xii Foreword eighteen years he has reigned as king of all-night radio talk in New York. His nightly broadcasts have reached into thirty-five states, thanks to such broadcasting marvels as fifty -thousand watts and Skywave Antenna patterns. But, more important, he represents a threatened species of Americana, the bright, am- bitious, enigmatic, and often lovable hustler, entrepreneur, and, as the title indicates, charlatan. A word about the word "charlatan." I use the term in the title of this biography because, according to my definition, it perfectly fits my subject. To many people, the word rings of fraud, decep- tion, and evil. It doesn't ring that way to me. "Charlatan," for this writer, simply means someone who is not what he represents himself to be. Accepting that definition, can my use of the word as it applies to Long John Nebel be seriously questioned? For years he peddled things, some of which occasionally worked, to buyers on the streets of New York, Chicago, and other cities. A charlatan is an illusionist. When Nebel enticed people to pay to see the famous headless woman, was he not practicing illusion? Of course he was. And could the Nebel sales approach for the Sun Foot line of "miraculous foot care products," a line he in- vented, be anything but the clever, albeit tongue-in-cheek, work of a charlatan? "Ah, yes," reply his friends, "but he doesn't do those things anymore. For eighteen years he has been a respected broadcaster selling only those products in which he personally believes." True. But what of Nebel, the man, during those eighteen years? Is he what he has always represented himself to be? Absolutely not! Is he really that brash, arrogant, nasty, irascible, egotistical, and completely maddening man who displays those traits nightly over the public airways? Sometimes. But most of the time, Nebel is doing shtik, that wonderful Yiddish word meaning, loosely, "bullshit." Nebel has done shtik all his life. He does it every day, on the air, on the street, in restaurants, at home. For me, the challenge of this book was to discover where the bullshit ended and the truth began. The material for this biography comes mainly from three sources. First, I interviewed over a hundred people-some friends of Nebel, some enemies, and some who simply crossed his path for varying lengths of time and for various reasons. Foreword ziii Second, I conducted many hours of interviews with Nebel himself. Much of the material concerning his very early years, his childhood and teen years, came from him. His first wife, Lillian, was of immeasurable help in reconstructing Long John's life during the thirties. Also, old friends of Long John's, Ken and Bea Billson, contributed much anecdotal material about his young manhood. The third source of material results from my own personal observations.