Collector’s Item! February 14, 2003
Volume 1, Number 0
Special Valentine Day Parody Flamingo
Peace and The Bird of Happiness Love party, The Landings, a diversified residential was caught in community, has erected, at its front entrance, a the middle of grand statue. After researching the origin of this a contentious statue, a political brouhaha occurred and nearly feud about the created a major upheaval among the inhabitants of statue. The this wonderful community. Peace and It seems that an upstart, Ben and Saul’s Love party, doing what it does best, spread oil on the troubled waters, so that the paradise would remain untainted. They proposed a more moderate ap- proach and this created a camaraderie amongst the protagonists and healed the rift. The statue repre- sents an amalgam of ornithology. It cannot be described as an ordinary bird. It has the beak of a parrot and the cheeks of a puf- fin. The community thanks the Blondinies, of the bird committee, for taking a compromising ap- proach to solving the dilemma. Ben and Saul’s Peace and Love party extend their best wishes. “May the Blue Bird of happiness deposit its offerings at your door.”SL
Flamingos in History Flamingos May Have Been Cause of Revolutionary War It’s the 18th of April in 1775, when It’s also a little known fact that Benjamin Franklin’s first choice for our national bird was not the turkey, but the flamingo, about which Franklin was apparently obsessed. Re- cently deciphered messages hidden in Poor Richard’s Almanac confirm the existance of a se- cret flamingo society belonged to by Franklin and other prominent Philadelphia gentlemen. Franklin Frederick Audobon, in a local pub, is overheard was convinced to drop the flamingo in order not to by Paul Revere to say that, on a recent bird watch- draw attention to their organization. A member ing tour, he came upon a large flock of pinkish was quoted as saying, “ Franklin, you are such a red-feathered birds believed to be flamingos. turkey!” To which he replied, “Hmm, now that’s Revere who suffered severe hearing loss an idea.” To this very day “closet flamingoists” from repetitive pewter pounding only caught small walk amongst us undetected, so beware of strang- portions of the conversation, consisting of the ers standing on one leg. BM words “coming,” “red,” and “coat.” Revere leaped up and ran out the door screaming the famous Special Thanks to Flamingo Sup- words: “The red coats are coming!” Believing porters Revere, a nearby local militia was assembled un- der the command of their dim-witted, near-sighted mayor, Thaddeus Kennedy. Ben and Saul would like to thank Bonnie They nervously awaited the attack when Donnelly, Dee Ricapito and Nordis Luxembourg fate stepped in in the form of the local barbershop for the two lovely garden flamingos they donated quartet, which suddenly appeared dressed in bright to the Peace red blazers. The startled Kennedy fired the shot and Love heard round the world, turning the bass instantly Party. “We into a tenor. Realizing his error, Kennedy declared don’t even war on England to cover his tracks. The rest is his- mind that tory, including the fact that most politicians from they were ob- Massachusetts are dim-witted, but very good at viously used birds, it’s the coverups. thought that counts. The More Little Known Facts of History color is such At this point I digress from my usual re- an unusual porting of scintillating happenings to correct some shade of pink and with the blue beak they are very errors and omissions in history. It has been widely special.” taught in history classes across this great nation Thanks also to Jan Davis for her magnifi- that Hannibal crossed the Alps with a herd of el- cent renderings of flamingos on tee shirts, table ephants. What has been overlooked is the fact that cloths and, if we’re lucky, on ladies’ undies from he also had a flock of pink flamingos. It was Ben’s private collection. Hannibal’s intention to release the birds just be- fore the battle was to begin in order to confuse and terrify the enemy. Because of the absence of proper WANTED feeding during the long march, the birds reverted Information wanted leading to the arrest and to their normal white color. The enemy took this prosecution of person or persons responsible for as a good omen and beat the heck out of Hannibal. the theft of two antique garden flamingos. Neigh- ables” or “flimsies”. So ta ta for now and, girls, keep those shoulders back. BM
An Interview with Ben and Saul by Diedra Ricapilleno, Society Editor
So Ben tell me a little about your child- hood.
Well, Diedra, I was born into an extremely poor family. In fact we were so poor that my neighbors had me. I remember one Christmas I only received one gift — a pair of pants. I said to my father, “What? Nothing to play with?” He took a pair of scissors and cut out the bottom of one of my pockets.
The missing birds. Reward for finder Wow, that’s really sad, but I bet you still had lots of friends growing up. bors did note the presence of three older, bleached blonde ladies, thought to be bag ladies, lurking in Sad to say I didn’t. I was this small skinny kid the vicinity. The birds can be easily be recognized who always got excluded and rejected. One time I by the peculiar shade of pink with blue beaks. even had to get a new shadow when my old one These birds have sentimental value as they be- refused to do what I did. I remember playing hide longed to the infamous Philadelphia madame, Miss and seek by myself and taking days to find me. Bubbles Latour, whose girls apparently only wore flamingo pink feather boas. The flamingos origi- So what did you do growing up? nally graced the headboard of Bubbles’ bed. Of historic interest is the fact that she lived next door I spent much of those formative years simply play- to Benjamin Franklin. ing doctor with the twin girls next door
Pink Goes Pink In a recent interview with the local So Ben, you always knew that medicine would be Victoria’s Secret manager, Ms. Lotta Cleavage your career? (pronounced clay-va-jay), she reports a dramatic upturn in sales of anything in flamingo pink. You could say that the bird took us out of the red and put us definitely in the pink,”she stated. According to Cleavage, top women’s wear designer, Wonda Braski, plans a “nasty” little num- ber complete with shocking pink hooker hose and garter belt with tiny tastefully done pink flamingo clips. Ms. Cleavage did have one small sugges- tion to Landings patrons. She would like them to stop referring to intimate items as “unmention- Is there anything you would like our readers to know about Saul?
He is truly an amazing man. He just seems to know everything. Just this morning I woke up and couldn’t find my socks. I called Saul. He said they’re behind the couch. What a guy!
Ben, I am sure you can go on and on, but at this point I would like to ask Saul what he thinks.
Well, Diedra, I am sure that your heart was touched, in the same way mine was. I was so taken with Ben’s life story, I adopted him. To this day I still receive a check from the state of Michigan for Ben, as a teenager, when he still had hair his care and to make sure he is not a menace to society. As you know, he is dyslexic. When he No, not really. I always liked medicine but school was much younger, he said he would love a piece was difficult since I suffered from a rare form of of pie, but it came out as, “I would like piece and bilingual dyslexia. I couldn’t read in two languages. love.” That’s when I became the foundling’s fa- It was an incident in the seventh grade that was ther of Ben and Saul’s Peace and Love party. the turning point. The ninth grade girl next door The Last Word was practicing a difficult cheer leading move when The Landings Flamingo special Valentine’s she suddenly fell. I rushed to her side and diag- Day issue is published sporadically (thank God) nosed a dislocated left breast. It took me a good by a band of lunatics in Eagles Point Circle. Let- thirty minutes, but I finally managed to relocate it. ters to the editor are welcome. Negative ones will From that moment on I knew medicine was my be discarded. Anyone libelled is encoraged to sue. destiny, with a specialty in cheerleader injuries. Judy, our staff counsel, can use the work. Anyone who has lost money in support of the flamingo Oh how wonderful. You are truly an inspiration to nonsense should see our treasurer Jack for a re- all young men. What about college? I imagine you fund. Lots of luck. Nat is the Editorial Natsie majored in biology. (also Alchemist-in-Chief) who gently touches up Ben’s and Saul’s brilliant writing, but his contri- That’s correct, I loved biology. Did you know that butions go unheralded because of his exquisite some turtles breathe through their butts? It’s a little modesty. Jules is also on the writing staff, but his known fact, but it does explain why turtles have articles got stuck in the fax (he don’t do e-mail). such bad breath. Happy Valentine’s Day. Our next issue will be April 1st, we should live and be well. Well, Ben, that’s fascinating, but what about your love life in college?
I was very shy, much as I am today. I did date this one very beautiful girl for a short time during my freshman year, but I broke it off when she informed me that she was a nymphomaniac. Who wants to date a girl who starts fires!?