Pretty Princess Day
Rebecca Dietsch ______Cast of Characters ______CHRISTINA: hopelessly in love with Michael, bridesmaid of Heather ____GREY: head of catering, has a crush on Heather. ______MICHAEL: ex-groom. ______TAYLOR: best friend of Heather. Loyal, steadfast, hates Michael ______HEATHER: bride. 1.
SCENE______1 HEATHER'S apartment. HEATHER is putting things in a box for MICHAEL. MICHAEL I can't remember which forks were yours. HEATHER Yeah, they're all kind of just silver. You can take them all. MICHAEL What am I going to do with forty forks? HEATHER I can donate them? MICHAEL You need some forks. HEATHER I still have the blue set from the shower. MICHAEL Heather, you have to return those. HEATHER Um- MICHAEL You have to send back all the gifts. HEATHER I hear you. MICHAEL I can do it, if that's easier.
HEATHER No need. MICHAEL Right. I think that's the last of it. Thanks for letting me take the futon. HEATHER I'm going to redecorate anyways. The old furniture didn't really go. Oh wait. She hands him a ring box.
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MICHAEL Keep that. HEATHER I don't really want to. MICHAEL You could sell it. HEATHER I don't really want to go to different pawn shops trying to sell an old engagement ring. MICHAEL The internet? HEATHER That's a depressing listing to write. MICHAEL I can sell it and send you a check. HEATHER No thanks. MICHAEL You want to get lunch or something? HEATHER I have to see Grey. MICHAEL The color? HEATHER The caterer. MICHAEL Oh, right. Let me know how much the deposits were. I'll reimburse you. HEATHER That's not necessary. MICHAEL Please. I feel really bad about this and I'd like to do something to make this right. HEATHER You're trying to pay me off.
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MICHAEL No, just, I know you spent a lot on the florist, the dress, the dj, I don't want you in debt over this. HEATHER I'll be fine. MICHAEL Will any of the vendors give you your deposit back? HEATHER I didn't ask. MICHAEL Do you want me to call? HEATHER No. MICHAEL They probably do partial refunds. HEATHER I don't need a refund. Can you leave now? MICHAEL What? HEATHER You have your forks, you have your futon, I think you should go now. MICHAEL Why are you--? HEATHER I just don't want an argument right now.
MICHAEL We're not arguing, I asked you a question and you started to be weird. HEATHER We're on the path to an argument, so I'd rather just quit while we're ahead. MICHAEL I don't know why we can't just talk without it being an argument.
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HEATHER I don't know either, but I know from experience we can't so let's not. MICHAEL If you don't want to see if the vendors can refund the deposit, I will. HEATHER You can't. MICHAEL I can't or you don't want me to? HEATHER I'm still using their services, so you can't ask for deposits back. MICHAEL What do you mean you're still using their services? HEATHER I'm still hiring them. MICHAEL What are you going to do with three hundred cupcakes? HEATHER Eat some, share some. Listen, I have to get going. MICHAEL So, you're not canceling the catering? HEATHER No. MICHAEL Why do you need to meet with the caterer then?
HEATHER Because I only got the charcuterie board because you like charcuterie, but since you're not going to the wedding anymore, I'm going to ask Grey to switch to the sage and lemon croquettes I originally wanted. MICHAEL Switch to the croquettes? There's not a wedding anymore. HEATHER Yes there is, you're just not part of it.
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MICHAEL What do you mean? HEATHER Can you just go now? MICHAEL What do you mean there's a wedding? HEATHER I didn't cancel it. MICHAEL We called it off. HEATHER You called it off, I didn't. There's still a wedding. MICHAEL There is? HEATHER There is. I'm marrying myself. MICHAEL What? HEATHER It's more of a symbolic ceremony than legal paperwork type wedding. MICHAEL What does that mean? HEATHER You're not going to get it. MICHAEL Can you explain instead of just assuming I won't get it? HEATHER It's a wedding but with just me. I still stand up in front of my friends and family, but instead of making a vow to you, I make it to myself. MICHAEL Why? HEATHER Same reason people have regular weddings. Saying the
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words aloud, creates an entire room full of accountability partners. MICHAEL You shouldn't need accountability partners to be nice to yourself. HEATHER You could say that about any wedding. You shouldn't have to make a formal vow to take care of a sick partner, but it's meaningful to say it aloud. MICHAEL I guess I don't get regular weddings either. HEATHER Can you leave now? MICHAEL I kind of thought our final goodbye might be a little more important than which amuse bouche you serve at your party. HEATHER Don't call my wedding a party. MICHAEL Heather, let's talk about this. HEATHER No, I don't want to talk anymore. I want you to leave. MICHAEL People, people aren't going to be nice to you about this. HEATHER Your side isn't coming, just my friends. MICHAEL People are going to say you're a crazy bridezilla. HEATHER No, they're not, they're going to enjoy the open bar and the matcha cupcakes and it'll be a good time. MICHAEL You changed the cupcake flavor?
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HEATHER Chocolate is boring. MICHAEL When did you decide on this? HEATHER While you were breaking up with me. MICHAEL So, when I was expressing thoughts and feelings over the last ten years, you were thinking about the dessert bar? HEATHER I feel like this is devolving into argument territory. If you're not going to go, I will. Lock up when you're done. (She tosses a key to him and exits. MICHAEL takes out a phone. He waits a while and then gets voicemail). MICHAEL Hey Chris, it's Michael, call me when you land. I'd like to meet up if you're not too jet-lagged. Scene______2 TAYLOR and GREY are looking over clipboards in the catering hall. TAYLOR Okay, so if we take out Michael, his parents, his four groomsmen, their dates, his grandparents, his four cousins, his boss, that's sixteen less guests, they're $75 a head right?
GREY Giving an extra $1,200 in the budget for the bar. TAYLOR Perfect. GREY Now originally, Heather and the groom had a sweetheart table. TAYLOR Nix that.
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GREY Where do we seat Heather? With bridesmaids or family? TAYLOR Do the round tables seat 6 or 8? GREY We went with the 6's since we over-ordered on centerpieces. TAYLOR Let me check on how many bridesmaids are bringing plus-ones. GREY is making notes. TAYLOR takes out her phone. TAYLOR Heather's on her way, she's bringing over new table cloth options. GREY Cool. He is visibly pleased. TAYLOR Did you ever meet Michael? GREY The groom? TAYLOR Ex-groom. GREY Umm, he might've come along to the menu tasting, I can't remember.
TAYLOR Yes, you do. You're just trying to be professional and not shit-talk right now. GREY gives her a tight-lipped look. TAYLOR Blink twice for he was on his phone the whole time. GREY returns to his notes.
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TAYLOR They're not getting back together. I checked, rechecked, triple-checked they're really done this time. GREY Were they on and off? TAYLOR They took a break in high school, but then they went to the same college and somehow slid back together. GREY How do you know they're for sure done? TAYLOR Well, the first break-up happened too soon, it was like a kitten being run over, it was new and springy, so she was sad about it, but this break-up was more like putting down a really decrepit old street cat, like it should've happened a long time ago, so she's like sorry, but more relieved. GREY So you're happy that things ended? TAYLOR No, I'm furious. GREY Oh. TAYLOR I'm glad they're done because he's terrible. But it was supposed to go differently. GREY Her leaving him?
TAYLOR Yes. GREY Why didn't she? TAYLOR Well, it's kind of my fault. GREY How so?
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TAYLOR Heather can be a little stubborn. And I think me calling him a wet blanket every day made her date him even harder. HEATHER enters. TAYLOR jumps her with a bear- hug. HEATHER Hi-Taylor, I'm good, I'm good. TAYLOR releases her. HEATHER Hi Grey. GREY Hi Heather. HEATHER Sorry, I'm late, just got off the phone with my mom. TAYLOR What'd she say? HEATHER Celery and lilac. TAYLOR What? HEATHER The table cloths. TAYLOR No, about you marrying yourself. HEATHER Oh, Michael and I agreed to wait until the 11th so we tell everyone at the same time. You guys are the exceptions. TAYLOR I don't think you should have to wait to tell people just because he-- HEATHER It's not a big deal. TAYLOR Does he think people are going to take it hard that
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he's not coming to the wedding? What a narcissist. HEATHER Dunno, he just said he wanted to tell some people in person. TAYLOR I think he knows his side will all tell him he's an idiot. He's never going to do better than you. HEATHER Yes he will. TAYLOR Impossible, you're leagues ahead of him. HEATHER It's not a race. TAYLOR Well you're definitely winning the breakup with this wedding. HEATHER That's not why I'm doing this. TAYLOR I know, that's why you're winning. HEATHER Oh whoops, I forgot my laptop in the car. TAYLOR I can grab it. HEATHER Thanks.
TAYLOR exits. GREY She's a very devoted matron of honor. HEATHER Yeah, well, I was her maid of honor and I set the bar really high. GREY Oh yeah?
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HEATHER She and her wife met in a library so I made an arch out of old textbooks and then I made paper bouquets from pages of their favorite novels. We printed the programs on little bookmarks, it was super cute. GREY Were there favors? HEATHER Oh yeah, we baked S'mores but then instead of putting chocolate in the middle we drizzled it into lettering for the graham cracker "cover". GREY That sounds delightful. HEATHER Thank you. We got a lot of flack for them on The Knot. GREY The wedding forum? HEATHER Yeah, people said home-ade favors were dangerous and we were going to kill all the guests. GREY Wedding forums are toxic. HEATHER They are but they're addicting. Do you have a vendor profile on those sites? GREY Oh yeah, I'm on The Knot, Wedding Wire, Wedding Bee, all those. I have a vendor profile, and then a fake profile. HEATHER What's your fake profile? GREY I'm a sassy grandmother in her sixties who lectures soon-to-be brides on etiquette. HEAHTER That's the most toxic subsection of profiles! Do you yell at people about pretty princess days?
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GREY No, I'm all for pretty princess days. The more ceremonies the better. I'm in the no-cash-bar discussions mostly, just because I make more money when people buy open bar drink packages. HEATHER Devious. GREY Do posters call your wedding a pretty princess day? HEATHER Oh, after the Smores debacle, I reverted to lurking only. GREY Well, I think what you're doing is really cool. HEATHER Thanks. Anyways, I wanted to know if you've made the food orders yet? GREY No, I was waiting for the final head count. HEATHER I'd like to make some menu modifications. GREY You got it. Scene______3 Coffeeshop. MICHAEL is waiting nervously. He has two coffee-cups. CHRISTINA enters. MICHAEL Chris! CHRISTINA heads over to him. CHRISTINA Hey! Which one's mine? MICHAEL The left. CHRISTINA You still doing this insane decaf thing?
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MICHAEL Yeah, supposed to reduce anxiety. CHRISITNA Is it working? MICHAEL Not yet. How was the CAD convention? CHRISTINA Really cool! I got to share some of my renderings for the Magnolia property and get feedback. I'll swing by your cubicle tomorrow to show you the blueprints. MICHAEL That'd be great. CHRISTINA Did I miss anything at the office? MICHAEL It was National Carmel Corn Day. CHRISTINA This week? MICHAEL Yep, you really missed out. CHRISTINA Wasn't it already Carmel Corn Day a few months ago? MICHAEL That was National Popcorn Day, this was a caramel corn specific celebration. CHRISTINA Is there a Cheddar Popcorn Day?
MICHAEL I tried googling it, apparently not, though there is a cheddar fries day coming up in a couple of weeks. CHRISTINA Goody. MICHAEL Thanks for meeting me. CHRISTINA You sounded stressed. Is wedding planning going
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badly? MICHAEL Yes. CHRISTINA The bridesmaid group chat has been blowing up. Taylor said we had an "EMERGENCY" meeting on Tuesday. Please tell me Heather's not second-guessing the dress. I can't go to another bridal store and pretend I know what A-Line means. MICHAEL We're not getting married anymore. CHRISTINA What? MICHAEL I called it off. CHRISTINA What do you mean? MICHAEL I told her I didn't want to get married anymore. CHRISTINA But, you already proposed. MICHAEL I know. I shouldn't have done that. CHRISTINA Why did you? MICHAEL I figured it would happen eventually for us and we were going to Taylor's wedding in a month and I knew if we went to another wedding without being engaged it was going to lead to a big fight- CHRISTINA Michael, tell me you did not propose to avoid conflict. MICHAEL I figured being engaged would just be more of the same, but then every conversation became "What should our entrance song be?" "What should my something blue be?"
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CHRISTINA Last week, when I came over, you said you guys were rock-solid. MICHAEL I've just been thinking a lot since then. CHRISTINA Did that night have anything to do with- MICHAEL No, not at all. CHRISTINA The timing is kind of- MICHAEL I know. CHRISTINA This is just cold feet, happens to everyone. MICHAEL No, it's more than that. I think- CHRISTINA Are you thinking or overthinking? MICHAEL Probably both, but-- CHRISTINA You never said you've been having problems. MICHAEL Not big problems, but things aren't perfect. CHRISTINA No relationship is perfect. MICHAEL I don't expect perfect, but I think we're wrong for each other. CHRISTINA And this only occurred to you three weeks before your wedding? MICHAEL It's just, we've been on this track and I've never really paused to think whether this track still makes
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sense for us. CHRISTINA At your guy's engagement party you said you were the luckiest guy in the world, she was the most beautiful woman you'd ever met- MICHAEL And that's true. CHRISTINA How can you be break up with her if- MICHAEL I just felt like, we were getting married because we're "supposed to", not because we're really choosing to. I mean, if we really wanted to get married, why didn't we do it a long time ago? And every time we would talk about our relationship, it was never about how well matched we were, how our world views really line up, it was always about the time. It was always "we've been through so much together", "we've seen each other grow up", "we've been together our whole adult lives" and that just doesn't seem like a reason to marry. I just don't know, if we met now, if we'd still choose each other. CHRISTINA Why are you telling me this? MICHAEL What do you mean? CHRISTINA What am I supposed to do with this information? MICHAEL You don't have to do anything, I'm just sharing, this has been on my mind. CHRISTINA I wish you hadn't told me this. MICHAEL Would it have been better if you heard if from Heather? CHRISTINA I don't know.
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MICHAEL We tell each other everything. I tell you when I'm nervous about a meeting, I told you about crying when we had to put Popples down, why would this be different? CHRISTINA I don't tell you everything. MICHAEL What don't you tell me? CHRISTINA Did you already tell all your groomsmen? MICHAEL Not yet. CHRISTINA But you've already decided, there's no changing your mind. MICHAEL Would you want to change my mind? CHRISTINA You're making a huge mistake. MICHAEL Really? CHRISTINA Yeah. MICHAEL You think Heather is the best person for me? CHRISTINA Are you ready to be alone? MICHAEL Well I figured I wouldn't be alone forever. CHRISTINA I just want to make sure you're not thinking you're going to Tarzan from one relationship to the next one. MICHAEL I don't think that. I just think I should be with someone who loves me.
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CHRISTINA Heather loved you. MICHAEL Past tense. CHRISTINA I mean, she's probably less of a fan with this whole wedding-called-off nonsense. MICHAEL I think I'm a good guy on paper, the type of guy she thought she was supposed to marry, but that's not the same as being in love with me. CHRISTINA You can't expect the butterflies-honeymoon phase to last forever. MICHAEL Yeah, but I think that's the problem. We were never friends before we dated, so when the butterfly stage cooled off, there wasn't anything left. We went to this wine tasting thing a while ago and we tasted ten wines that all looked and tasted exactly the same and she's going on and on about how this one is botanical, this one is buttery, this one is like a sad clown and I thought, she's be so much happier if she was here by herself or with someone else and I would be so much happier if I was back home playing video-games. CHRISTINA Well, why can't she go out while you stay home? Why do you have to throw away your whole relationship? MICHAEL Because when I suggest that, she ends up staying home too and then I feel guilty. CHRISTINA I think I should go. MICHAEL Are you mad at me? CHRISTINA Yes! MICHAEL Why?
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CHRISTINA I'm her bridesmaid and now you've been put me in an incredibly awkward position. MICHAEL I'm sorry. I thought you'd be supportive. CHRISTINA What gave you that idea? MICHAEL You're my friend. CHRISTINA I'm just really--I need a break. MICHAEL From me? CHRISTINA Yeah. MICHAEL So we're not friends anymore? CHRISTINA Not right now. MICHAEL For how long? CHRISTINA You're not on time-out, I can't give you a time frame. MICHAEL Can I call you later?
CHRISTINA You do whatever you want. MICHAEL If I do, will you answer? CHRISTINA I don't know. CHRISTINA exits.
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Scene______4 HEATHER and GREY are in the catering hall. GREY So, when people arrive we'll have the well drinks available as well as the specialty cocktails of the berry rose mojito or the blood orange mimosa- HEATHER With the candied orange slices? GREY Yes. The dehydrated real slices with sugar, not the gummy ones with horse hooves in them. HEATHER Thanks. GREY For apps we have the lemon sage croquettes, melon skewers, the heirloom tomatoes with the fennel citrus vinegar drizzle and the 5 spice bubble soup shooters. After cocktail hour your guests will start with a kale salad with a coconut lime dressing and then have a choice of butternut squash ravioli or the roasted cauliflower steaks. We'll end the evening with the cupcake tower, sorbet bar and coffee. Am I missing anything? HEATHER Well, I know I said I wouldn't change my mind again so feel free to say no- GREY I won't. HEATHER Is it too late to add another cocktail to the bar menu? GREY Not at all, what were you thinking? HEATHER Not sure, I was telling my grandmother at lunch yesterday what drinks I had picked and she was mad there was no whisky special. GREY I thought you didn't like whisky.
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HEATHER I don't, but I want everyone to have a good time. GREY What don't you like about whiskey? Do you not like the oakiness? The smokiness? HEATHER It's boring. GREY Whiskey is boring? HEATHER Everytime I order a whiskey cocktail it comes in a small little glass with one big icecube while everyone else's drink has fruit or lemongrass stalks or a leaf in theirs. GREY So the taste is fine, you just want more pageantry. HEATHER Yeah. GREY Okay, I can make this happen for you. GREY starts to make an elaborate cocktail. HEATHER Thank you. GREY I did some research on sologamy last night. HEATHER What's that?
GREY What you're doing. Marrying yourself. HEATHER There's a name for it? GREY Yeah, it's pretty trendy right now. HEATHER Good for your business right?
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GREY Oh yeah, if everyone married themselves instead of each other I could do double business. HEATHER You should leave some cards out on the bar. GREY So this marriage to yourself, is it going to be an open marriage? HEATHER What do you mean? GREY Are you still going to date people or is it just you now? HEATHER I'll still date, just not settle down with anyone. GREY What does that look like? HEATHER If I like someone and they like me I'd want to spend time with them, but I don't want my life to revolve around them. GREY You could always just be with someone less needy than whats-his-face. HEATHER Michael? GREY Yeah.
HEATHER The thing is, I'm the needy one. Taylor hates Michael because she thinks he held me back and prevented me from doing things, but it wasn't really him, it was me. Something about being in a relationship turns me into this spineless jellyfish. When Michael called it off I felt relief, like I got a little piece of myself back. GREY Did you ever think about being the one to call things off?
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HEATHER No. GREY Why not? HEATHER It just didn't occur to me. GREY It didn't occur to you? HEATHER We'd been together so long I just never really considered other futures. GREY What are you considering now? HEATHER Lots of things! Travel. I never did study abroad because I thought I'd miss Michael too much. Grad school, I was going to apply right after undergrad, but then Michael got a job here so I stayed here. GREY How long did you and Michael date? HEATHER Nine years. GREY How long have you been dating you? HEATHER A week and a half. Are you married? GREY Single. HEATHER I couldn't tell, sometimes you wear a ring, sometimes you don't. GREY Did you think I just had a really rocky relationship? HEATHER I thought you just took it off to cook.
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GREY No, I have a fake ring for business. HEATHER A business ring? GREY Oh yeah, are you buying yourself a ring? HEATHER Wasn't planning on it. GREY Oh, you gotta get one for work. HEATHER Why? GREY The marriage bonus. If clients think you're married they're more likely to book you. HEATHER Why? GREY People think marrying someone is responsible and grown-up. HEATHER Stupid. GREY Yep. HEATHER Okay, tell me about this drink.
GREY This is a rosemary vanilla whiskey cocktail. HEATHER Damn, that's pretty delicious. GREY I can add a little umbrella if you need. HEATHER No, can you put... She is peering over the counter.
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GREY You can come back here if you want. HEATHER hops behind the counter and chooses some edible flowers. HEATHER These! GREY You want to taste one before you pick that one? HEATHER pops a flower in her mouth. HEATHER Ew, why do you have this? GREY They're grammable. What about fresh rosemary sprigs? HEATHER Those would probably work. GREY Try it. HEATHER That's perfect. GREY Okay, so should I officially add that one to the menu? Do you want any punny name for it? Like Just RoseMarried or- HEATHER kisses him. She then pulls back and runs away. SCENE______5
Coffeeshop. Christina is at a table staring at her phone, conflicted. TAYLOR enters. TAYLOR Hey Christina, what's up? CHRISTINA Hi, thanks for meeting with me. I would've texted, but there's so much stuff. She gestures towards a large shopping bag.
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TAYLOR What'd you want to chat about? CHRISTINA I can't be a bridesmaid anymore. TAYLOR No. CHRISTINA No? TAYLOR No, Heather's cousin already dropped out. She can't lose you too, she might to start taking it personally. CHRISTINA The thing is, I think she just asked me because I'm friends with Michael. I know she's too nice to un-ask me so I think it's easier if I just-- TAYLOR No, she likes you. She tells me all the time, you're the one Michael friend she doesn't hate. CHRISTINA It's just a little complicated for me. TAYLOR Did he tell you not to be in the wedding? CHRISTINA No. We're not talking right now. TAYLOR Why not?
CHRISTINA Things are just kind of weird right now. TAYLOR Why? CHRISTINA If Heather, hasn't talked to you about it, then it's not really my place. TAYLOR She's doing overtime to pay for this wedding, she's been busy. Fill me in.
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CHRISTINA Ok, just, it wasn't my intention to break up their engagement. At all. If I had known, I never would have- TAYLOR Did Michael cheat on her? CHRISTINA No. TAYLOR Oh, I thought you were hinting that you slept with him. CHRISTINA I did. TAYLOR So, he did cheat on her. CHRISTINA Not exactly. TAYLOR How is that not exactly like cheating? CHRISTINA She knew about it, I mean she was there. He said they wanted to spice things up and- TAYLOR Oh. CHRISTINA So anyways, that's why I don't think I'd be the best fit for bridesmaid.
TAYLOR You should talk to Heather first. CHRISTINA I'm just not sure where she's at or if she wants to hear from me, I'm in the bridesmaid group chats, but I don't know if she realizes I'm still on those- TAYLOR She's a reasonable person. She's not going to blame you if it was their idea.
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CHRISTINA Okay. TAYLOR Why'd you say yes to that? CHRISTINA Well, they were together so long, they said neither of them had every slept with anyone else and they didn't want to go into a marriage with regrets or feeling like they missed out. TAYLOR So that was just your wedding gift to them? CHRISTINA I don't know, it seems stupid now, but they made a very logical case for it at the time. TAYLOR How was it? CHRISTINA I don't think I was supposed to even tell anybody, I shouldn't really-- TAYLOR Please? We're all so flummoxed by him breaking up with her, if you have any kind of piece of the puzzle, you gotta share. CHRISTINA It was nice, I mean a little awkward before and weird after, but the during part was nice. TAYLOR Did he say anything-
CHRISTINA No, nothing! They both talked about how threesomes required a lot of trust and communication and they wouldn't ask me unless they were completely secure in their relationship. TAYLOR Do you think that night led to him calling it off? CHRISTINA I don't know.
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TAYLOR Did you ask? CHRISTINA I don't know if I want to know, if it was my fault- TAYLOR It wasn't your fault. It was his decision. It's just weird, I always thought if they ever did break up, it'd be the other way around, she'd come to her senses and break up with him. Sorry, I know he's your friend. CHRISTINA It's okay, I don't totally understand his thought process on this. TAYLOR Did he ever give any kind of hints that he didn't want to get married? CHRISTINA No, not at all. I mean, he sometimes vented about petty stuff like when they fought over which font to use on their invites, but it was always in a kind of bemused way, not in an actual relationship-trouble kind of way. TAYLOR He wanted Times New Roman. On a wedding invitation. CHRISTINA Yeah, he mentioned that. It is more legible than the cursivey ones. TAYLOR Anyways, giver her a call if you want, but unless she says otherwise I'm keeping you on the bridesmaid list. CHRISTINA Okay. SCENE______6 CATERING Hall. GREY is mixing something in a bowl. MICHAEL enters. MICHAEL Hi, Grey?
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GREY Yep? MICHAEL Not sure if you remember me, I came in for an appointment a while ago. I'm Michael... GREY Not ringing a bell. MICHAEL I was with my fiancé at the time, you made the beef tartare crisps. You probably talked more to her, it was a Thursday and I had a ton of work emails. Her name's Heather, I think she's still booking you. Bells ringing now? GREY Vaguely, what do you need? MICHAEL Well, things didn't work out and we aren't getting married anymore, but she's still getting married I guess, just not to me. Anyways, before things fell apart, we agreed to split the cost of the wedding, but now I'm not sure how much I owe? GREY Nothing. MICHAEL How much is she paying for all this? GREY We don't share client's payment info. MICHAEL Okay, let's say I wanted to hire your catering company for a private event, how much would you charge me? GREY What's the event? MICHAEL A large party. GREY Well, you can make an appointment online and we can sit down and figure out a budget that's right for
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you. MICHAEL Can you ball-park? Would five-thousand cover it? GREY Are you worried about her family and friends shit- talking you at this wedding? MICHAEL Oh, I already know they will, they're vultures, but I worry if she goes through with this, they'll talk about her too. I went to a wedding with her family once and the whole time it was like "that ceremony was too long", "the salad is too soggy", "that dress is too low-cut." With this whole self-marriage thing, they're going to say she's indulgent, she's selfish, she's gift-grabby, she's pathetic. GREY Maybe she doesn't care what people think. MICHAEL We're talking about a woman that was in tears, TEARS when I picked floral arrangements that had baby's breath instead of dried lavender. GREY Why didn't you just pick the centerpieces with dried lavender? MICHAEL I didn't know there was a difference. GREY One's her favorite flower, one's a filler flower. MICHAEL Yeah, I suck at stuff like that. There is an awkward pause. GREY You want some soup? MICHAEL Oh no, that's okay. GREY You sure? I made too much.
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MICHAEL Okay. GREY serves him a bowl. MICHAEL Do you have a microwave or something? GREY It's a gazpacho. MICHAEL is visibly confused. GREY It's a cold soup. MICHAEL Oh okay. GREY How is it? MICHAEL Hot, I mean, not hot, spicy. GREY Too much? MICHAEL No, it's good. GREY When you proposed to Heather, did you do the "ask-the- parents-for-permission" thing? MICHAEL No, they would've said no and then, it would've been awkward asking her anyways.
GREY They didn't approve of you? MICHAEL They did the first time around, second time not so much. They think we went to the same college together on purpose. GREY Did you?
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MICHAEL Maybe subconsciously. I hate meeting people, so it was kind of nice to know there'd be at least one familiar face. GREY Do you regret that? MICHAEL No. GREY Why not? MICHAEL I mean, I regret proposing and I regret dragging things out, but I don't regret the relationship. I mean, I learned stuff. GREY Like what? MICHAEL Well, I used to think opposites attract. Heather's an extrovert, I'm an introvert, she's a planner, I procrastinate on that kind of stuff, I thought that meant we were going to balance each other out, but I think we'd both do better with someone we had things in common with. GREY Makes sense. MICHAEL Thanks for the cold soup thing. Listen, if there's anything she wants, but it's out of her budget- GREY I'll make sure it happens. MICHAEL Thanks. MICHAEL exits while GREY cleans up. Scene______7 TAYLOR and HEATHER are organizing RSVP cards. TAYLOR I'm still mad at your for not telling me.
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HEATHER I forgot! TAYLOR How do you forget you had a threesome? HEATHER Well there was that night, then there was the shower to plan and then Michael called it off, then that kind of dominated our conversation topics. TAYLOR You really think it's mere correlation, not causation that your fiancé called off the wedding a week after he slept with someone else. HEATHER I was involved too, I wasn't just on the armchair watching. TAYLOR Who's idea was this? HEATHER I asked him if he thought he'd regret not having the whole "sowing wild oats" part of his life and we just talked about how our relationship kind of eclipsed the whole online-dating thing and then I suggested we make a couples profile looking for a third and he freaked out and said we were going to get murdered by people on the internet, so then we kind of just settled on asking a mutual friend. TAYLOR But when he said "Hey, I don't want to get married anymore", why didn't you say "Hmm, does this have anything to do with our threesome the other day?"
HEATHER Because it didn't matter. TAYLOR How does it not matter? HEATHER Because, if it was causation, if sleeping with Christina really did make him second-guess getting married, then it's kind of a good thing. It just helped expediate what was going to happen anyways. Better I know now, than down the line when we had a kid or something.Why are you looking at me like that?
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TAYLOR You don't have to always see the glass half full. We can cry and eat bon-bons if you want. HEATHER What is a bon-bon? TAYLOR I think it's like a truffle? I only hear about people eating them after break-ups though. HEATHER I think I still the leftovers from the cupcake tasting if you want. TAYLOR I'm not trying to get you to feed me, I'm just saying it's okay to be sad about things. HEATHER So, you don't want a red velvet cupcake. TAYLOR No, I do, but that doesn't change my earlier points. HEATHER Kay. HEATHER heads to the kitchen. TAYLOR resumes organizing cards. MICHAEL enters. TAYLOR How'd you get in here? MICHAEL I have a key. TAYLOR That doesn't mean you should be barging into her apartment. MICHAEL I didn't barge, I- TAYLOR Did you call? MICHAEL She's not taking my calls.
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TAYLOR Well, get out of here. What if she had a hot date over? You would've just ruined it. MICHAEL I'd be happy if she was dating. TAYLOR What's that supposed to mean? MICHAEL Means she wouldn't be doing this self-marriage thing. Which, by the way, hate that you're helping her with. TAYLOR Well, I hate that you broke her heart. MICHAEL I don't think she's heartbroken. TAYLOR You want her to be sadder? MICHAEL I just think if she was super upset, she wouldn't be adding pictures of table runners and place settings to her pinterest page. TAYLOR You're stalking her pinterest? MICHAEL I'm not stalking, it just comes up in my feed- TAYLOR You can't have it both ways, you can't dump her and also have access to her life.
MICHAEL Don't say dump. TAYLOR Why? MICHAEL It's not a fair characterization of what happened. TAYLOR Sorry, I'm not a thesaurus.
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MICHAEL I don't know what she told you but- TAYLOR She said you told her you didn't want to get married anymore. After proposing, after buying each other rings, after selecting a venue, after she bought a dress-- MICHAEL My timing was bad. TAYLOR The worst. MICHAEL Just because I don't want to marry her doesn't mean I don't love her. TAYLOR Don't. MICHAEL Don't what? TAYLOR Don't say confusing things like that. MICHAEL I just think we're better off without each other. I don't think it's healthy for couple to have two hour fights over decor. TAYLOR She was excited. MICHAEL She was excited for a wedding, not to be with me. I think this whole marrying-herself thing kind of proves it. TAYLOR You don't know her at all. MICHAEL Is she here? TAYLOR No.
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MICHAEL Her car's here. TAYLOR Then, why'd you ask? MICHAEL Why do you hate me so much? TAYLOR Because, you were supposed to be the safety school, the back-up plan, the epitome of settling and you didn't stick around. It's like if Ron Weasly somehow landed Fleur Delacour and then didn't spend every waking moment worshipping her. MICHAEL That doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. TAYLOR You know? You're not even Ron, you're Crabbe and Goyle. MICHAEL Those are two characters. TAYLOR God, you're critical. MICHAEL I'm going to- TAYLOR Why do you keep calling Christina? MICHAEL How do you know I'm calling Chris?
TAYLOR You were blowing her phone up yesterday at Heather's hair trial. MICHAEL What's a hair trial? TAYLOR Where you test out different hair styles for the wedding. Why are you calling Christina? MICHAEL She's my friend. Is she still a bridesmaid?
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TAYLOR Yeah. MICHAEL Why? TAYLOR She's our friend. MICHAEL Why is she ignoring me? TAYLOR What are your intentions with her? MICHAEL What are you talking about? TAYLOR Are you going to try to date her? MICHAEL What? TAYLOR Just think you should figure that out before you call her again. MICHAEL She's my friend. TAYLOR A friend you slept with. MICHAEL I asked Heather not to tell you that. TAYLOR Why? Because you knew I'd say, hey that might be a red flag? MICHAEL It wasn't my idea. TAYLOR But you didn't hesitate to throw out Christina's name. MICHAEL We talked through a few different options.
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TAYLOR But why Christina? MICHAEL She was someone we both felt comfortable with. It would have been weird with a stranger or someone I didn't like as a person. TAYLOR grimaces at the idea that her name might have come up in this conversation. MICHAEL Is Christina here? TAYLOR No, she's on a date. MICHAEL Chris doesn't date. TAYLOR Oh, she must have forgotten, I'll tell her to get back to the nunnery. MICHAEL I mean, she doesn't usually. TAYLOR Do you care? MICHAEL No, I mean, yes. As a friend. I didn't realize she was seeing someone. It must be recent right? TAYLOR I can take Heather's key for you. MICHAEL Right, here. He hands her the key. TAYLOR Bye. MICHAEL Bye Taylor. SCENE______8 Catering Hall. HEATHER is gripping CHRISTINA's
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hand. HEATHER Thanks for coming. CHRISTINA No worries. Is Taylor coming? HEATHER No, she's been doing so much for this wedding already, I didn't really want to trouble her with this. CHRISTINA I just feel like this is more her area of expertise. I mean if I was in charge of food it would just be those fancy grown up lunchable things. HEATHER Charcuterie. CHRISTINA Yeah, so I don't know if I'll be all that helpful. I mean I'll try, but I don't know if your guests will have the same palette as me. HEATHER I need more, moral support. CHRISTINA I feel like Taylor's better at that too. HEATHER Just, when he comes, don't leave. CHRISTINA Is everything okay?
HEATHER We have to switch caterers. CHRISTINA Why? What's wrong with Grey? HEATHER I kissed him. CHRISTINA I don't get it.
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HEATHER Well we were standing kind of close together and he was really cute and- CHRISTINA I get that part, but why do you have to switch caterers now? HEATHER I'm getting married, I shouldn't be kissing people before my wedding! CHRISTINA But, you're not taking a vow of celibacy. So why does it matter if you kiss the caterer before the wedding or after the wedding? HEATHER Because I want that day to be about me, not me and a psuedo-groom. CHRISTINA Do you like him? HEATHER That's the problem, I know myself, I'm going to fall too hard and totally forget about going back to school or traveling or reading actual books-- CHRISTINA It's not an ultimatum. You can can choose someone while also choosing yourself. HEATHER What if I'm just seeing him through rose-tinted glasses? CHRISTINA You might just get along. HEATHER Right now we do. CHRISTINA What's going to change? HEATHER You don't think I should cancel the caterer? CHRISTINA No. He's going to be busy cooking, you're going to be
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busy with your family and friends. Most people say their weddings are so hectic, they barely even get a second to eat their own food. You're not going to have time to worry about him. HEATHER Thanks, you're a good bridesmaid. GREY enters. GREY Heather? HEATHER Oh, hi Grey. GREY What's up? HEATHER We were just, in the neighborhood. Thought we'd say hi, so hi. GREY Hi. CHRISTINA Hi. There is an uncomfortable pause. CHRISTINA Wow, it's really warm in here. With the ovens and things. I'm going to go breathe outside. CHRISTINA slips outside. GREY How are you? HEATHER Listen, I'm planning a wedding right now and studying for the GRE and then I'm going to be working on applications and then if all goes well, I'll be in school so it's really not a good time for me to start anything. GREY What are you going to school for?
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HEATHER Hospitality management. GREY Does that mean you get to work in hotels? HEATHER Or restaurants or any kind of tourism based business. I've always wanted to travel and most hospitality programs require you to intern internationally. So, two birds. GREY That sounds awesome. HEATHER Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it. GREY takes out his phone. GREY Laconic. HEATHER What? GREY What does laconic mean? HEATHR Adjective to describe someone who uses very few words. GREY Profligate. HEATHER What are you doing?
GREY You want a 340 on the GRE don't you? HEATHER You don't have to study with me. GREY Hey, I'm expanding my vocabulary here too. HEATHER I'm going to leave for grad school.
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GREY Okay. HEATHER What if I end up living in Japan for a year? GREY You'd eat a lot of dried squid, go hiking in bamboo forests- HEATHER What if I went and missed you and then spent my whole time in Japan skyping you. GREY Isn't it kind of early to be worrying about that stuff? HEATHER No, it's not. I'm marrying myself in a few days and I'm making this big proclamation in front of everyone I know about how I'm going to be on this independent, adventuress path and if I just end up in another decade-long relationship-- GREY You can see me and do your own thing too. HEATHER What if I can't? What if I get tunnel vision and end up spending my whole wedding obsessing over you? GREY Listen, I don't have the most relationship-friendly life. HEATHER You're trying to appease me.
GREY No I'm not. I own an event business, meaning my Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays are usually booked up. And I can't really skip a weekend, because then my staff loses hours. Big events like weddings or rich kid birthdays, those are usually fourteen hour days, so Mondays I'm decompressing. Leaving pretty much Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for a social life. And there's not a huge crowd who'se down for the Tuesday afternoon date. So if you're worried I'm going to be a huge time suck, I won't be. Can't be. So you can do your thing, I can do mine. If we meet
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in the middle, great. If it doesn't last forever, that's okay. HEATHER Does that make this a fling? GREY Do we have to define it? HEATHER Fine. I'm going to be working on seating charts tomorrow. If you want to accompany me in that, I won't object. GREY Cool. Scene______9 Coffeeshop. MICHAEL is at a table. CHRISTINA enters, sees him and tries to retreat, but it's too late, he's seen her. MICHAEL Christina! CHRISTINA Oh, hi Michael. MICHAEL "Oh, hi Michael?" I've been calling you. CHRISTINA I know. MICHAEL Can you talk now? I got you a coffee. With caffeine.
CHRISTINA How'd you know I'd be here? MICHAEL You drink six coffees a day. Are you on Heather's side now? CHRISTINA I'm not taking sides. MICHAEL I just want to make sure she's not getting you in the breakup.
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CHRISTINA Getting me? MICHAEL Yeah, you were my friend first. I don't want to lose you to her. CHRISTINA You're not losing me. MICHAEL Are you sure? It feels that way. CHRISTINA I'm just processing a lot. MICHAEL I can help you process. CHRISTINA That night that we- MICHAEL Is that why you've been avoiding me? Those two events are completely unrelated. CHRISTINA But that night, when we were together, did you know you were going to call off the wedding? MICHAEL No. CHRISTINA So, it was just, a lightning bolt decision the following week? MICHAEL Not lightning bolt, more like last straw on the camel's back. CHRISTINA I'm still upset with you. MICHAEL Why, what has she- CHRISTINA It has nothing to do with Heather, it's me, just me and my feelings and my brain. It was a mistake to ask me, a mistake for me to say yes.
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MICHAEL I'm sorry. CHRISTINA Why have you been calling me? MICHAEL I miss you. CHRISTINA I don't want to be back-up company when you're not in a relationship. MICHAEL You're not. CHRISTINA Why did you call me after breaking up with her? MICHAEL Tell you what happened. CHRISTINA Why? MICHAEL You're the person I talk to about stuff. CHRISTINA Well, I can't be for that kind of stuff. MICHAEL Why? CHRISTINA Because I know her! I was intimate with her. MICHAEL You didn't care at the time. CHRISTINA Because you guys were getting married. It was supposed to be fun and now it's this huge mess. MICHAEL I just wish she'd been the one to end it. CHRISTINA So you wouldn't have to feel like the bad guy.
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MICHAEL If she'd been the one to call it off, I feel like you would have answered my calls. CHRISTINA It'd be different. MICHAEL But why? CHRISTINA I see you differently now. MICHAEL What do you mean? CHRISTINA I used to think, I should date someone like you, someone kind and funny and calming but now I see this other Michael, this relationship Michael that is wishy/washy and hurtful and I think, if I was Heather, this guy would be the worst. MICHAEL You're not Heather. CHRISTINA If this is how you treat a woman you've known for ten years though, what would you be like in your next relationship? MICHAEL I don't know. CHRISTINA That's reassuring. MICHAEL It's honest. I'd like to think I'd be less anxious, less on eggshells, but I don't know. CHRISTINA checks her watch. MICHAEL Do you have somewhere to be? CHRISTINA Yeah, here. Are you going soon? MICHAEL I can be.
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CHRISTINA I have a date. MICHAEL Another one? CHRISTINA I've been trying out Tinder. MICHAEL Tinder? CHRISTINA Michael, we're in a public place. I'm not going to get murdered. MICHAEL Who is he? CHRISTINA I don't know, Taylor picked him out. MICHAEL Do you know his name? CHRISTINA It's on my phone. I'll check it before he gets here. MICHAEL Why are you on Tinder? CHRISTINA Why not? MICHAEL You've never done online dating before. CHRISTINA I'm trying new things. MICHAEL Do you know what he looks like? CHRISTINA Well, he's an axe murderer, so look for a man wielding a large axe. MICHAEL Okay, I'll leave you to your date. When you're done processing though, let me know.
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MICHAEL exits. Scene______10 HEATHER's apartment. HEATHER and GREY are on her couch. GREY Can I be honest with you? HEATHER What? GREY Most people don't care that much abut the seating chart. HEATHER What? Yes they do! Have you been to a wedding by yourself before? Open seating is a nightmare. Can I sit here, oh Fred is sitting here, okay, I 'll go sit here then, oh Aunt Mildred is siting here? Oh. Okay I'll just go home now. GREY I mean, people want there to be some sort of structure, but they aren't going to like your seating chart no matter what so-- HEATHER No, it's like Tetris, there is one perfect solution, we just haven't figured it out yet. GREY Your mom wants to sit next you. HEATHER Yes.
GREY Your stepmom wants to sit next to you. HEATHER Yes. GREY They don't get along. HEATHER Correct.
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GREY Are you seeing-- HEATHER It's my wedding, they'll figure it out. GREY Also Taylor wants to sit next to you. GREY makes a few notes and shows her his clipboard. GREY How's this? HEATHER Why did you put Christina with my cousin Thomas? GREY You wrote they were both single, I didn't know if you'd want to put them each at a table of couples. HEATHER I'm at a table of couples. GREY Yeah, but you know everybody there. It's weirder to be at the couples table when you only know the bride. HEATHER Hmmm. There's a knock on the door. GREY Are you expecting company? HEATHER No. GREY Should I go? HEATHER Let me see who it is. HEATHER goes to answer the door. CHRISTINA enters. CHRISTINA Oh, you're, sorry I'll-
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HEATHER It's fine, what's up? CHRISTINA This is a bad time, I'm going to go. GREY Should I go? CHRISTINA No, no, I'll go. HEATHER Christina, what's up? CHRISTINA I have a lot of things on my chest, but I don't know if telling you about them is honest or selfish or- HEATHER Spill. CHRISTINA Okay, well, um, do you mind if he hears this stuff? HEATHER He's fine, he's making the seating chart. How was your date? Taylor said you were meeting someone named AvocadoToast72. CHRISTINA His name was Adam. HEATHER Did you eat avocado toast together? CHRISTINA No, it was a coffee date.
HEATHER It didn't segue into a solid food date? CHRISTINA He was nice, just not, I don't know, I just felt kind of relieved when it was over. Maybe, it was just me, I don't think I was in a good headspace for it. But that'd not what I meant to talk to you about. I mean, my headspace yes, but not the avocado-guy. HEATHER What's going on in your head?
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CHRISTINA Heather, I have to tell you something. I need to apologize for that night. HEATHER There's no need, we asked you. CHRISTINA But you asked me as a friend, and I wasn't totally honest about my intentions. HEATHER I don't think you intended for us to break up. CHRISTINA No, but I wasn't a truly neutral party. HEATHER Did you have feelings for Michael? CHRISTINA I think so. HEATHER Do you still have feelings for him? CHRISTINA No, god no! I mean, kind of, but they're mad feelings. Angry feelings. HEATHER Does he know? CHRISTINA No, he knows I'm mad, but not the old feelings. HEATHER Is that why you didn't want to be a bridesmaid?
CHRISTINA I thought it was a conflict of interest. I'm sorry, should I go? HEATHER No. There is an uncomfortable pause. HEATHER When are you going to tell him?
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CHRISTINA Who? HEATHER Michael. CHRISTINA I'm not. HEATHER Are you going to keep being his friend? CHRISTINA I don't know yet. HEATHER If you're not planning on being friends with him anymore, you might as well tell him, you have nothing to lose. CHRISTINA I'm sure he kind of of knows on some level. HEATHER You overestimate him. He has terrible self esteem, he doesn't think anyone likes him ever. So, he probably doesn't know. CHRISTINA I just don't think there'd be any point. HEATHER If you do though, I won't be mad about it. CHRISTINA Ok, good to know. HEATHER You want wine? CHRISTINA I don't want to intrude-- HEATHER Red or white? CHRISTINA Really- HEATHER I'll surprise you.
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HEATHER exits. CHRISTINA So, are you guys a thing now? GREY We're seeing where it goes. CHRISTINA Do you, do you ever worry you might be a rebound? Dating someone so soon after they just got out of a long relationship? GREY Well shit, now that you say it. CHRISTINA Sorry. GREY No, I don't care. CHRISTINA Isn't it painful though to be with someone that it may not work out with? GREY Well, I think that's the risk in beginning a relationship with anyone. CHRISTINA I know, I hate it. They say though when you have a break-up, you have to wait for half the length of that relationship to really truly recover and be ready for another relationship. GREY So, if Heather and Michael were together for ten years, they each have to wait five years to date someone? CHRISTINA Maybe, not that long. But they should take a breather, shouldn't they? What if they just start dating people to fill the void, not because they really like them? GREY You liked Michael while he was with Heather, right?
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CHRISTINA Yes. GREY Wasn't that just death by a thousand paper cuts? Wasn't that more painful than if you just dated him and then things went south? Or do you worry you wouldn't like him as much if you were actually with him? CHRISTINA I would still like him if I was with him. GREY Liking someone from afar is different than liking someone up close. CHRISTINA I do like him up close. GREY Why? CHRSTINA He's sweet and nice, and not the nice like a "Nice Guy", but like the real kind of nice. Like he doesn't do nice things to get credit, he just does them because that's how he is. He always cleans the microwave at work, even though he doesn't use it. He's really patient when he's explaining how to export PDFs, even if it's like the fiftieth time you've asked him. GREY Then, why not tell him? CHRISTINA I might get rejected.
GREY Then you could move on. CHRISTINA I might not get rejected. GREY Then you might be really happy. CHRISTINA It's not that simple.
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GREY Your friendship is over anyways. CHRISTINA No, it's not. GREY You can't just go back to being his friend. Him being in a relationship made it safe. You could always justify hiding your feelings for Heather's sake, but Heather doesn't care. If anything, she ships you. CHRISTINA groans herself into a ball. HEATHER reenters with wine glasses. GREY Would it be weird if Michael was at your wedding? HEATHER It'd be weird, he doesn't like weddings. GREY Are you going to invite him? HEATHER Where would he go on the seating chart? GREY We could move Thomas to the cousins table and put Michael in Seat 8. HEATHER Is that okay with you? CHRISTINA Umm-- HEATHER hand her an invite.
HEATHER Think about it, if it feels right, invite him, if not shred it. CHRISTINA It's your wedding. HEATHER I can't control who the plus-ones are. CHRISTINA Okay, I'll think about it.
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HEATHER You want to help make the seating chart? CHRISTINA It's assigned seating? GREY Yep. CHRISTINA What do all the colors mean? HEATHER Yellow is co-workers. Red is college friends, blue is family. CHRISTINA I'm purple. HEATHER Bridal party. CHRISTINA Got it. HEATHER I'm not sure whether I want a few of each color at a table to mix it up or have one co-worker table, one family table- CHRISTINA Definitely that. I'd rather sit with the people I'm familiar with than someone I don't know. GREY I vote grouping people by what they ordered, one table is the ravioli table, one table is the gluten- free folks-
HEATHER No. CHRISTINA Why is there a big gap between the yellow table and red table. HEATHER I'd prefer the people that see me as professional Heather not sit with the people that see me as vomit- in-the-shower Heather.
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CHRISTINA Makes sense. She is making some mark-ups. CHRISTINA How's this? HEATHER That should work... GREY People won't be sitting that much anyways, they'll be at the bar, dancing, swiping cupcakes. HEATHER True. GREY Are you going to miss wedding planning? CHRISTINA Do most people? GREY Oh yeah, people post all the time about having post- wedding blues. HEATHER I think that just happens when people don't have another project lined up after. Like if they treat their wedding as the grand finale before a happily- ever-after. CHRISTINA Are you going on a honeymoon? Like a solo trip somewhere?
HEATHER Eh, maybe a delayed trip? I'll probably be broke after paying for this wedding. GREY Alright, since we're waiting to see on the invite for Seat 8, I say we take a break. CHRISTINA Oh my god, the seating chart is depending on me? That's too much-
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GREY It's fine, very easy to scratch out a name or number day-of. HEATHER is looking at him suspiciously. GREY That's the beauty of calligraphy. Is that a fancy loop or a rewrite? CHRISTINA I'm going to head out. HEATHER You don't have to. CHRISTINA No, I gotta google some stuff. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? HEATHER Okay. CHRISTINA exits. GREY What's tomorrow? HEATHER Spa Day, we're going to get facials for the wedding. GREY Wouldn't you do that day of the wedding? HEATHER Oh no, day of a facial your face is red and splotchy and peeling. But a few days later, you look radiant.
GREY Like a snake? HEATHER Exactly. SCENE______11 MICHAEL is sitting at table in a coffee-shop. Reading and re-reading a text. He is anxious. CHRISTINA enters.
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MICHAEL Hi. CHRISTINA Hi. MICHAEL You said you wanted to meet. CHRISTINA I did. MICHAEL Have you finished processing? CHRISTINA Yes. There is a long, tense pause. CHRISTINA I was really mad at you. MICHAEL I noticed. CHRISTINA I never really explained why and I don't think that was super fair to you. MICHAEL Okay. CHRISTINA When you told me you were about to be single, I had some really happy, really selfish thoughts and I felt really guilty for being so happy when I thought you were making someone else so unhappy.
MICHAEL Why were you- CHRISTINA Well, that brings me to my next point, which is that I loved you, still love you actually. MICHAEL Oh. CHRISTINA I kind of knew it a few months after we started being
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friends, but I thought it would just be this private, beautiful, unrequited thing that I kept to myself. Then when you were engaged, I felt sad but also relieved because I thought, once he's married, that's it. Things will be done, they'll be finalized. I can close this chapter and move on. Then we slept together and I thought, well this is like an extra layer of closure most people don't get, this is an extra what-if that won't be circling over me. And I was feeling really good for a couple of days until you called it off. MICHAEL Christina, I didn't- CHRISTINA You didn't know, I get it. But you know now. MICHAEL Okay, thanks. CHRISTINA Also, I have a third point. MICHAEL Okay. CHRISTINA I'm not sure whether your response is going to be a no or a maybe, but if it's a maybe, I don't want to get a drink sometime. I think we've been known each other long enough, that you have all the information you need to know if I'm the one or not. MICHAEL What do you mean? CHRISTINA If you don't want to be with me, I can be okay with that. But if you do want to be with me, I want to marry you Monday. MICHAEL Monday? CHRISTINA Yeah, on the car ride over I was going to say tonight or tomorrow but the courthouse isn't open on weekends. So, Monday.
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MICHAEL You want to get married in forty hours? CHRISTINA Yes. No flowers, no music, no friends, no family. Just you and me and some legally binding papers. MICHAEL How can you be so sure about me? CHRISTINA I'll be me, you be you. We'll be exactly as we've always been. I think the best relationships are just really strong friendships. MICHAEL What if you hate me? CHRSTINA I won't. MICHAEL What if you start to? CHRISTINA Are you saying no? MICHAEL I'm not saying no, I'm just saying, have you thought this through? CHRISTINA I think no one is a perfect match, but I think I know you well enough to know we'd do okay. I don't see any point in dating when we've already talked about everything we would share on dates. There's no grey here, either you love me and want to be with me or you don't. I can take either answer, but I don't want to take any kind of middle ground on this. MICHAEL Last week you told me I was the worst and you were going on tinder dates. CHRISTINA You have bad timing and you overthink, but that's why I'm giving you a crystal clear ultimatum. MICHAEL What if we get married and everything changes?
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CHRISTINA Are you going to change or be different in marriage than you are in regular life? MICHAEL I don't know. CHRISTINA Well, let's just have our marriage be like our friendship, I just want more of the same. But, with requited love. MICHAEL You could be with someone so much better than me. CHRISTINA I could, but I don't want to. I want to be with you. MICHAEL It's Monday or nothing? CHRISTINA Yes, no overthinking, no mulling, no marinating, what does your gut say? MICHAEL Okay. CHRISTINA Okay? MICHAEL Yeah. CHRISTINA So Monday. MICHAEL Monday. CHRISTINA You'll need a photo id and your birth certificate. MICHAEL Got it. CHRISTINA I love you Michael. MICHAEL I love you too, Chris.
Created using Celtx 67.
Scene______12 HEATHER is in a wedding dress walking around the stage. TAYLOR is behind her fluffing her dress. TAYLOR Are you sure you don't want to hang out in the dressing room for a grand entrance? HEATHER No! I don't want to miss anything! I only get one wedding. TAYLOR What happens if, later down the line. Not now obviously, but let's say you're in the senior center and you meet someone you really like, would you marry again, with a person? HEATHER I don't know. TAYLOR I mean, I'm married to a person but we're not attached at the hip. HEATHER I guess with it being a symbolic ceremony, I wouldn't have to divorce myself to marry someone else, but I think I like things being a little murky right now. GREY enters with a tray with beverages. GREY Cocktails? HEATHER Yes, please!
TAYLOR After the ceremony! HEATHER Why? TAYLOR Your dress. GREY It's all good, we have salt in the kitchen.
Created using Celtx 68.
TAYLOR What? GREY Salt, it absorbs stains. HEATHER Is everyone sitting? GREY Not yet, once we shut down the bar, they will. You look nice. HEATHER Thanks! MICHAEL and CHRISTINA enter, holding hands. TAYLOR rushes towards them. GREY and HEATHER make out in the background. MICHAEL Are we late? I thought the invite said 5:30? TAYLOR Ceremony starts at 5:30, doors open at 5. TAYLOR is rummaging through a makeup bag. She pulls out a mascara wand. She turns towards CHRISTINA with it. TAYLOR Look up. CHRISTINA does so. TAYLOR Now, blink. Blink. Blink. Blink.
MICHAEL What are you doing? She looks fine. TAYLOR This is wedding makeup Michael, do you want her to look like a ghost? CHRISTINA Are you sure Heather wants me in all these photos? TAYLOR Yeah, you have even more in common than you thought. You both have terrible taste in Michaels.
Created using Celtx 69.
MICHAEL Where do we put gifts? TAYLOR Did you buy off the registry? MICHAEL No... TAYLOR You're the worst. CHRISTINA I did, I sent her a toaster. MICHAEL You did? CHRISTINA Yeah and there was a little card that said, "A toast to your marriage." TAYLOR sees GREY kissing HEATHER. TAYLOR Heather! Your lipstick! TAYLOR dashes towards HEATHER with her makeup bag to reapply HEATHER's lipstick. MICHAEL Why a toaster? CHRISTINA She said she puts her Poptarts in the microwave. MICHAEL Are we staying the whole time?
CHRISTINA Should we do a code-word for when to leave? MICHAEL Yes, when Heather's parents start yelling at me, that's our cue to go. CHRISTINA She said they'd be nice. GREY Cocktails?
Created using Celtx 70.
CHRISTINA Thank you. GREY How's married life? CHRISTINA So far so good. MICHAEL What's in this? GREY That's the berry rose mojito. CHRISTINA Trade me. MICHAEL What's yours? CHRISTINA Not flower-flavored. MICHAEL Okay. GREY I'm going to check on Heather's grandma. GREY exits. TAYLOR Michael, why are you still here? You're not bridal party. MICHAEL I hate mingling.
TAYLOR Christina, do you want to try the berry shade? I feel like it'd complement your eyes well. MICHAEL How? Her eyes aren't purple. TAYLOR Complement, not match. TAYLOR has quickly whipped out a lipstick to apply to CHRISTINA.
Created using Celtx 71.
MICHAEL Congratulations. HEATHER You too! MICHAEL I have a gift. HEATHER I din't get you one. MICHAEL It's fine. HEATHER Where is it? MICHAEL hands her an envelope. She opens it. MICHAEL Christina said you weren't going on a honeymoon so, it's an airlines giftcard. I know you wanted to study abroad in Greece, so you can go there if you want or if you're over Greece, you can go somewhere else. Or you can throw it away. Up to you. HEATHER Thanks. And thank you for coming. MICHAEL Thank you for inviting me. HEATHER You don't have to stay the whole time. MICHAEL Thanks.
HEATHER What time is it? TAYLOR 5:28. CHRISTINA Here, we'll put your card in the dressing room. CHRISTINA and MICHAEL takes the envelope from HEATHER's hand and exits with it.
Created using Celtx 72.
HEATHER You ready? TAYLOR Are you ready? HEATHER I think so. TAYLOR You look fantastic. HEATHER Thanks. TAYLOR I'm so happy for you. HEATHER Taylor, are you crying? TAYLOR Noooo... HEATHER Taylor! GREY reenters. GREY People are seated whenever you're ready. HEATHER Cool. TAYLOR Just a second.
GREY Take your time. HEATHER How's Grandma? GREY I cut her off. HEATHER You're going to be on her shit list now.
Created using Celtx 73.
GREY I figured I had to take some of the heat off of Michael. TAYLOR Are you going to the after-party at the hotel? GREY I'll be washing dishes, but I hope you guys have fun. You doing post-wedding brunch tomorrow? HEATHER Yep. You have another wedding tomorrow? GREY Yep, if you're free later in the week though, there's supposed to be a wine festival. They have wine tasting, but then also champagne sorbet, merlot jam filled donuts, that kind of thing. HEATHER That sounds fun. GREY Cool. TAYLOR Alright, let's head out there. TAYLOR, GREY and HEATHER exit one way while MICHAEL and CHRISTINA emerge from dressing room. MICHAEL Do you think you'll regret not doing a big wedding? CHRISTINA Nah, I feel like I would just be hanging out with you the whole time anyways.
MICHAEL Should we find seats? CHRISTINA Let's do it. SCENE______13 TAYLOR is facing the audience. HEATHER stands beside her in a wedding dress.
Created using Celtx 74.
TAYLOR Welcome. We are gathered here today because each of you loves Heather. Or you were somebody's plus-one. I understand we had to hit a guest minimum, so maybe some of you don't know Heather. But, she is the best. She's headstrong, she's brave, she's the type of person you want by your side when things get rough. When I got married last year, Heather pretty much single-handedly organized my wedding because my partner and I didn't have a lot of family support. She was mom/sister/maid-of-honor/wedding planner extrordinaire to me. I cannot imagine a better person to marry Heather than Heather herself. And now, I think the bride has some vows she'd like to share. HEATHER Ok, first off, thank you everyone for coming. TAYLOR Heather, that's what you say during a toast, right now is vows. HEATHER Right okay, seeing everyone I love in one room is really, just really awesome. Anyways, I vow to always go to doctor check-ups, see the dentist twice a year and put money in my 401k. That's my version of the sickness and health, richer or poorer thing. I vow to travel more. I vow to get my Masters degree. I vow to always buy the right size clothes for me rather than "goal" sizes. I vow to always prioritize my friendships, no matter where my romantic relationships might be. I vow to never abandon myself, to never settle, to never compromise myself in order to be with someone else. I vow to always be honest with where I'm at, to be brave in the face of conflict instead of creating chaos or hoping someone else can be a mindreader. I vow to put myself first so I can be the best version of myself for other people. And, I think that's it. I know we're all ready for some snacks. TAYLOR Well, by the power invested in me as Heather's number one fan and friend, I declare Heather married to herself.
Created using Celtx