WILD Decision Looking Rocky but SPB to Announce A.S.A.P. Jerry

WashU's guide Our to 69thfestival issue. season Nice.

VOLUME 13, ISSUE 6 MARCH 8, 2017 PRICE: $2230.52 (plz fund us for another year) WILD Decision Looking Rocky but SPB Buried to announce A.S.A.P. WUnderground

ashU’s social program- I’m actually deciding on students, our editorial board Unusually Warm Weather W ming board announced skipping WILD this year. hopes that SPB can pick a Wednesday that their Probably just gonna get high Goldie-locks act: someone Causes Campus Jizz Trees decision for Spring WILD in my Lamborghini instead.” with broad appeal. However, to Prematurely Ejaculate is still under heavy debate. As of press time, it it’s not looking great. With After failing to produce a Fall remains hard to tell whether their long history of picking Page G6 WILD, SPB feels pressure to students will go WILD for the shitty acts, we’ll probably deliver a high profile artist night when April 28th rolls get stuck with someone like for this spring’s concert. We around. Given the highly ASAP Rocky. Have a great asked SPB representative varied music tastes across WILD everyone! Dog Called Cat Offended; Jessica Higgins for a quote, Woman Catcalled, to which she replied “no comment” after pushing past Also Offended us in Einstein’s bakery. After following her for 6 hours, Jessica, a non chain-smoker, told us “It’s a big fuckin’ problem. The flow isn’t necessarily riding smooth on this one. Young and giant bands just don’t really want to play for a bunch of bratty college kids.” Ludacris also wasn’t going to perform, she added. While many students are Page 10/10 eagerly awaiting a fun day of day drinking and passing out before 2pm, some are Bannon Unwinds After less than stoked. Sean, a big Press Briefing with sophomore from Portugal, told Wunderground: “Yeah, WUSTL students having "fun" Slideshow of Dead Dogs

Page 1,200,345

Jerry Sandusky Named Top Athletic Awkward! Professor Googles, "How to Get With Director Candidate One of Your Students"

eports recently child pornography charges in as its director.” With Projector On surfaced that former R January. The announcement was Page 5% Penn State football In a press release, Chan- not without controversy. coach Jerry Sandusky is one cellor Wrighton claimed, “We Some students are concerned of the top choices in Wash- are pleased to announce Mr. by Sandusky’s availability White Guy Listens to ington University’s search Sandusky’s candidacy. Jerry’s – he was convicted of 45 for a new athletic director. personal history perfectly counts of sexual abuse of Common's 2005 Album Be, The announcement comes fits the values Dean Carroll young boys in 2012, and is Now Claims to be Woke in the wake of the depar- worked tirelessly to instill serving a 60-year sentence ture of Justin X. Carroll, in the athletic department in a maximum-security who was indicted on federal during his ten-month tenure prison. Although the university claims Sandusky would be able to work remotely, student-athletes have expressed concerns that Sandusky’s inability to attend sporting events could nega- tively affect school spirit. Among the other names listed were several Cath- olic priests, Bill Cosby, and MOPerv. The university Page 0.0001 hopes to fill the position by the start of the 2017-18 academic year, or just after Tips for Preparing for Your the next forced retirement of one of its deans, whichever New Job: Actually Get One happens first. Page 3.8 Third sex predator to visit WashU in past year VOLUME 13, ISSUE 6 MARCH 8, 2017 Sophomore Accepts Internship at Organ WUnderground WUnderground is WashU’s Research Institute premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as It’s that time of the year more Dennis Westman accepted ward. “The application was just a the fake wood grain on a s'well again. Students across Wash- a summer internship at Organ picture of a human body with the water bottle. ington University are franti- Research Group, a biomedical instructions: ‘circle all the organs cally trying to secure summer firm that specializes in organ you still have.’ I studied a lot for the However, the news reported internships to boost their transplant research. technical interview, but the only by this paper is completely future career prospects. For one According to Westman, question they asked was whether I fictitious, at least to our student, however, the search is the application and interview still had two kidneys and if I’d be knowledge. Any resemblance over. This past Friday, sopho- process was very straightfor- okay with some work-related travel. to persons living, ailing or dead After I said yeah, they offered me a is entirely intentional. position on the spot!” The position starts in June, Chiefs of Staff with a mandatory training week in Bangkok, Thailand. According to Callan Coghlan their company website, the training allows the interns to “shadow” a President surgeon while he performs organ extraction surgery. “I’ve never been Patricia Witt to Thailand before,” said Westman. Editor in Chief “The company only booked a one way ticket, which is kinda weird, Simon Olson but said they’d compensate me for Editor in Chief return fare.” To learn more about the position, Westman reached out to past Staff interns featured on the company website. As of presstime, he has Aaron Dozzi not heard back from any of them, but did talk to a parent who said Josh Moskow she was still waiting for her son to Blake Robertson return from the training week. Kimball Slade Westman and his vital organs still intact Adam Kaufmann Jacob Nason Carter Paterson WUnderground's Spring Wardrobe Guide Gabby Perez-Garcia Ted Sorota Spring is around the corner, but your closet is miserably behind the fashion curve. Don’t worry! WUnderground has you covered. Our top fashion guides curated a list of high fashion items for this season. Dressing to impress has never been easier! Unpaid Interns Nathan Marak Henry Weinberg Zach Moskow Rohit Kumar Grace Fellman Arjun Puri Brooke Nosratian

Foreign Correspondents Don’t listen to frat boys: salmon shorts are totally OUT Justin Kroll this year. Instead, try opting Nate Graham for these trout shorts from flyfishermen.com! MSRP: $35.95 Landon Lichtenstein

If you would like to write, White Tees are always a great spring go-to. edit, tell us your deepest This Isabel Marant Etoile piece will go great secrets, etc. then email us at: with all of your other uselessly expensive [email protected] items in your closet. MSRP: $175

I don’t know what the FUCK these shits are, but I read in Armour that denim is in A “Make America Great Again” hat these days. but on fire. Show your friends and MSRP: $45.99 colleagues how bright and hot your ISSN # 1938-0089 love burns for the Big D. MSRP: $20.00 wunderground.wustl.edu VOLUME 13, ISSUE 6 MARCH 8, 2017 How to Get Buff Without Actually Fucking Working Out

Spring Break is right around the corner, 3. Change the topic of any and we at WUnderground know that many of conversation to lifting. you guys promised yourselves that over the long winter, you’d chisel out that monster body you’ve always wanted. We also know Now, let's be straight with each other. We that probably hasn’t happened. But fear not! both know you haven't lifted weights since Our top cryptologists have deciphered the that one time in 8th grade when your dad message hidden within the colorful (ugly as showed you how to do bicep curls because hell) mural in Sumers to bring you these 4 "your football coaches are gonna love those foolproof steps to GET BUFF with minimal arms, son." We also both know that your dad (no) physical effort. now hates you for not becoming the sports star he had envisioned when he thrust his 1. Sun's Out, Guns Out unfulfilled athletic dreams onto you at birth. But guess what? No one needs to know any This phrase is now your Bible, your Bhagavad of this. Any time you enter a conversa- Gita, your Quran, and also probably your PornHub username. But remember, just tion, just make sure everyone knows how because it's not sunny outside doesn't mean sore your arms are from just grinding out a that you shouldn't don a bro-tank. According monster sesh at the gym. And just to make to science, the sun is always out. It doesn't sure they believe you, always carry around just fucking disappear. Therefore, your guns one of those shaker cup things filled with should never disappear either. And we know the protein powder you bought earlier so this pretty much goes without saying, but if that everyone knows how serious your gym you constantly wear tank tops, you have to obsession is. Remeber Neville from the Harry Potter be buff, no matter how scrawny your arms movies? This is him now. actually are. 4. Comebacks With these four simple steps, you’ll be

2. Protein, protein, protein! one step closer to becoming every girl’s If anyone ever says that you don't look one-night fantasy and many steps closer to Buy all the supplements you can! Your entire like you workout, just call them fat. They becoming that guy dancing with his shirt diet should consist of powder, whether it be become insecure, and you gain the upper off in the middle of the Alpha Delt basement whey, iocane, or pixy stix. Remember: If you hand. Works every time. that everyone hates. A total win-win. can't snort it, abort it.

Is Your Rommmate Rich?!

Dear RRQ, Dear Callan, A classic problem! Sometimes it’s hard to tell when So my roommate and I have never been a classmate is a 1%-er, but there are some telltale signs. particularly close, but after the SES report Look at what they wear… Does she wear a Canada Goose jacket? Did she buy jeans with holes already in about WashU came out, I’m starting to them? Does he own shoes? These are all classic signs think she might be a 1%-er. But I’m not of a wealthy roommate. How do they live? Does he have Wydown Water? sure how to tell? Are there signs I should Did she bring her own chandelier? Is she living in be looking for? V-East next year? Does she leave cash and gold bars —Rich Roomie Quan lying around? Does he have consistent access to Continued on page 4 *The first tell– tale sign Point Counter-Point

Food at Ibby's is exquisite Food at Ibby's is trash

By: Chef Jean Bissou By: Katie Wilson Studied at Missouri Culinary Arts for Junior in Olin Business School, 7 months in a row definitely not on a diet

I work day in and day out dairy products. I’m incredibly Literally fuck Ibbys. My my second ID taken. The only to craft exquisite meals for the proud to work here and I treat to-go brussel sprouts were reliable thing about Ibby’s WashU student and faculty my staff extremely well. I’m cold last night, I waited prob- is their bananas foster, and I body. Our dining quality is of simply blessed by god to have ably 20 minutes for them. Last don’t know if I even like that the utmost importance; we such a talent with food, Ibby’s tuesday I went with Jessica and anymore. Like, I’ve had it wayy regularly shift the menu to is a labor of love for me. they even carded her when she too many times now. All I can utilize seasonal foods and work asked for two carafes of Sangria. say is byyeee. with local farmers for fresh Fuuuuck that i’m not tryna get VOLUME 13, ISSUE 6 MARCH 8, 2017 Mike Pence Visits Historic St. Louis Cemetery to Conceal Remaining Top 10... Evidence Spring Favorites In an unexpected display card from the debris without ening to see people who of social activism, Vice Presi- breaking eye contact. would try and blame dent Mike Pence visited Sources say Pence spent others for hateful stuff the vandalized Chesel Shel the majority of his afternoon like this,” said Pence, Emeth Cemetery in Univer- walking the grounds, pausing discreetly pocketing an 10. Global Warming sity City late Monday after- in sudden fits of emotion which empty paint dispenser. noon, in what many praised would bring him to his knees. The Vice-President as an effort to contribute to “It was really something,” emphasized the need 9. Shamrock Shakes the site’s rehabilitation. Visi- said Rabbi Paul Ibramowitz. to bring those respon- tors to the historic landmark “There was a bunch of times sible for the damages to thanked Mr. Pence for his the guy would fall to the justice. When asked if Cherry Blossom visit, to which Pence insis- ground and he’d start clawing he believed Mr. Trump’s 8. tently responded, “I didn’t do at it, like he was digging for incendiary rhetoric Instagram Pictures it.” something. An explanation, I might have contributed On many occasions guess.” to the attack, Mr. Pence during his stay, the Vice- The Vice-President also raised the possibility that President denounced the spent time helping to scrub the cemetery owners 7. Seeing my anti-Semitic crime, which he graffiti decals from the faces “had vandalized their “definitely had not partici- of some of the headstones, own cemetery,” and reit- toenails again pated in.” “You see destruc- including swastikas and a erated that these behav- tion of this sort, bad people poorly drafted “Pence Wuz iors were not uncommon with bad intentions, and it's Here.” The vice-president of radical Islam. 6. Tornados just terrible,” said Pence, shook his head and chuckled removing a White House key at the discovery. “It's disheart- 5. Having existential crises because Is Your Rommmate Rich?! Continued... you're still in school clean water? Does he have a family? Does her dad manage 4. Swimsuit Shopping comforter instead of a card- a hedge fund? Did both her board box and trash bag? parents to to Princeton? Do What do they eat? This all 4 of her grandparents not is one of the most telltale sleep in the same bed? Has he 3. Unreasonable signs! Does she snack on loss fewer than two siblings unshelled pistachios and to the black death? amounts of pollen drink Fiji water? Does he go RRQ, if you answered yes to Pastaria weekly? At Ibby’s to any of these questions, does he get steak? Does she your roomie is probably a Finding stretch marks not dig through the compost 1%-er! *A better sign than 2. for chicken bones to make the first sign on your winter bod a weekly stew? How many times has he even had stone *Another sign soup!? WILD Do they talk about their 1. What Do You Think? Your suitemates are going to Cabo and didn't tell you. What Do You Think?

You Becky Your Rabbi Your Parents George Washington Sometimes doesn't take Has always had a thing against you Has a different definition of "fun" More fun than you Really, really tan out the trash “Maybe I can “Yeah, sorry "It's not too late "Oh, we thought you “Jefferson and about that... We had plans. Your father Madison did the catch up on to sign of up for and I are going to Cabo EXACT same shit studying?" just don’t like Spring Break and it's too late to to me. Fuck them, you that much.” buy another ticket." Cabo isn't even Birthright!" that fun anyway."