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Owners Manual Penisownersinstructionmanual INTRODUCTION Welcome to the world-wide family of penis owners. We trust that you will enjoy many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help ensure that you will, we encourage you to familiarise yourself with the following equipment descriptions, operating instructions and maintenance requirements. BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS (all model years) PENIS Average length and diameter (flaccid) 3.5 x 1.25 inches Average length and diameter (erect) 5.1 x 1.6 inches Average percent increase in volume, flaccid to erect 300% (wow!) Longest medically recorded erection 12 inches Amount of blood in erect penis 8 to 10 x normal Average erections per night (while sleeping) 5 Average duration of each nocturnal erection 20 to 30 minutes Estimated replacement value (good condition model) £50,000 CAUTION! The following can shrink a relaxed penis by two inches or more:- Cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity, exhaustion, excitement (non sexual), illness and Richard Branson. TESTICLES Average length and width 1.4 x 1 inch Average weight 0.875 x 1.75 ounces Temperature 94.6 degrees Fahrenheit Compartments within each 400 SPERM Average body's production 50,000 per minute/72 million per day (and remember lads, it only takes 1!) Days to maturity 84 Number in ejaculate of average fertile 200 to 600 million man Number of ejaculate of infertile man less than 50 million Percentage of total ejaculate 3% Average swimming speed 1 to 4 millimetres per minute Average life span once mature 1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in woman, 2 minutes on sheets CAUTION! The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for optimum sperm production. That's why they hang away from the body. Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement. SEMEN Average volume of ejaculate 0.5 to 1 teaspoon Chief ingredient Fructose sugar Caloric content 5 calories per teaspoon Protein content 6 milligrams per teaspoon Average number of ejaculatory spurts 3 to 10 Average interval of ejaculatory contractions 0.8 seconds Farthest medically recorded ejaculation 11.7 inches BLADDER Average capacity 7 to 13 ounces Normal flow 7 to 8 ounces per 10 seconds OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS 1. DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is attached to the bladder. As the urine level approaches the bladder's maximum capacity line, you get the urge to pull over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra, out the tip of the penis and, according to most women, usually on to the floor next to the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm regulator. See Troubleshooting" later in this document.) 2. BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During sexual stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis grows firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there's ejaculation, blood leaves these chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually a recovery or "refractory" period ranging from a few minutes to a full day (depending on the equipment's age) before another erection can occur. About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even when erect. It is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for support. CAUTION! Any impact to the area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt its hydraulic function. 3. DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION Sperm is manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind each testicle called the epididymis, where it acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just below the bladder. When it's time to shift into sexual high gear, sperm is mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission fluid, called semen, gathers in a holding tank, which gradually swells to pinch the bladder shut and prevent urine from trickling in. Finally the semen is expelled from the body via the urethra by a series of muscular contractions. STARTING THE ENGINE The key to your sexual ignition is not between your legs, it's inside your head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending nerve impulses running down the spinal cord to trigger an erection. Keep in mind though that since arousal is an electrical spark travelling the neural motorway it can be dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting procedure, explore side roads, stop at a roadside service area, let your partner drive, or, when applicable, road- test a new model. HARD STARTING OR STALLING If your penis fails to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a while. Just about every man experiences an occasional erection problem, so try not to let it bother you. If you do it can develop into a psychological problem that can require extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances are you are just temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or fatigue - all of which can temporarily foul your engine. If the problem continues, ask your mechanic about a new injector. Certain drugs can be injected directly into the penis, producing longer lasting (one hour or more) erections within moments. Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system that inserts a small pellet of erection producing medication into the tip of the penis. Another solution is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is inserted into this cylinder and the attached pump engages, a vacuum is produced that causes blood to flow into the penile shaft. A rubber ring is then slipped onto the base of the penis to trap the blood in the shaft. As a last resort, you may want to consider upgrading to a penile implant. (See "Available options/upgrades"). WARNING! Never operate your penis while under the influence of alcohol. Although alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum erections when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead to more frequent bouts of impotence. SPARE TYRE Your privates did not come equipped with a spare tyre. Any roll of fat around your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void the warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with sexual performance but also makes the penis look smaller. Men naturally deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As the spare tyre inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion of the organ - one inch for every 35 extra pounds. Being overweight is also commonly linked atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. It also makes you look silly. RUNNING-IN PERIOD To ensure a long, active life for your privates. It's recommended that you engage in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics Masters and Johnson, "When the male is stimulated to high sexual output during his formative years and a similar tenor of activity is established for the 31 to 40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked by maintained sexuality. ACCELERATION 0-60 MPH Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles with age. WARNING! Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause partial or complete loss of control. SUDDEN STOPS Slamming on the brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the testicles. If ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of an aching muscle. HANDLING In order to become familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and learn how it responds in different situations high speed sexual driving on a closed circuit can be helpful. According to a recent survey, nearly one tenth of British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the North of England naturally). And contrary to popular belief , it will not harm your equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good practice lap for sex, where you're forever flirting with the limits of control. ENGAGING THE CHOKE To postpone ejaculation and extend love making, engage "the choke". This technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis just behind it's head prior to orgasm. FUEL REQUIREMENTS Your privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times greater risk of erection problems. To avoid this use fuel that has a fat combination below 30 percent and is low is cholesterol and high in fibre. Such fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits. BODY WORK/CHASSIS CONSIDERATIONS Regular exercise gives the body a deep healthful lustre that lends protection improves performance and helps is hold it's value for longer. Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex but also stimulates the mind by making you feel sexier.
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