"Hg, Mi FELIX TBI Paul Shanley recommends. Just remember that it's only the bookies who win.

INSIDE Baron Following the shock revelation last issue that I was going to scrap the Baron, there has been a flood of 3 News protests. I am going to spend the next three days conducting a straw poll g Union around College on the subject. If the majority want to keep The Baron, 7 Baron then it will be resurrected. the runner-up. Controversy Just as I promised ten days ago—a attracted any more people to the My editorials seem to have caused a 3 SciTech bumper edition of FELIX which will Union and 'Quorum' has been abused great deal of controversy recently. I take until the end of term to plough just as much in there as it was in the even have lesser editors mentioning them in their editorials. My 'election 9 Baron through! We've got loads of features, Great Hall last year. At least in the reports and letters, and the whole Great Hall you had a fair idea of who results' editorial was written while I the winner. thing took a very long time to put was interested in the Union and how was in an extremely cynical mood. I together—so appreciate it. it was run. Your voice could be heard still stand by what I said, because Mr 11 Libel My favourite bits in FELIX this and everything was treated in a more Goodwin distorted 'facts' in his term have to include the features on serious fashion than it has been this election material in order to win, I am year. I think that next year's UGM not alone in my feelings. 12 The famous few body language and courtship gestures. This week we have featured Chairman should consider moving the at Imperial graphology as the centrespread. This venue back to the Great Hall and sort Print Unit science is almost as fascinating as out some serious publicity for such Due to the printer's oncoming 14 Opinion observing people. Am I the only one events. This year's has been abysmal. temporary nervous breakdown, the who has spent the last month watching While on the subject of the abuse Print Unit will be closed from today Why do CU want to people making open crotch displays of the call of Quorum, I must say how for a month. I'll still be in the Office be a part of the at one another? Before I used to think stupid and childish it was of our over the Easter holidays if you need Union? that particular people were President to call Quorum in the any photocopying done, artwork sexy/charming/charismatic but now I middle of a Union General Meeting advice or technical process work 15 News Review just know that they can use their body just because the meeting was not done. language to its full effect. taking the direction he wanted. Finally 1 (J The new Graphology can also reveal more about your character, although it is Gambling Roll on the holidays, don't eat too Democrats a far cruder way of analysing your Should FELIX be encouraging many Easter Eggs and get as much — have they a part friends. I spent the weekend students to gamble their grants away? revision done as you can. If you're around College over the vacation, to play? discovering that I am an egotist who This is a question that several people enjoys dominating others. But I knew have asked me recently. I think that drop by for a chat, and if you're in that already. it is a harmless bit of fun because I Physics I can probably try to help you 17 How to lose know when to stop. Unfortunately I with your problem sheets! Happy an Election Quorum know of at least one student who is Easter! in severe debt and still gambles. the Chris Martin In the last issue I was severely restricted for space so I was unable Auntie Judi's advice is only gamble Way! to write about the Results Union if you can afford to lose your stake General Meeting which took place and don't put bets on any of the horses Cjxx>< 18 The two weeks ago. I decided to sit to the workings of back of the meeting with the students Editor-in-chief Judith Hackney who were more interested in eating Business Manager Chris Martin Community their QT burgers than watching the Reviews Editors Andrew Clarke Action antics of various Union Officers. I and Sumit Guha spent most of the meeting explaining Clubs Editor Andrew Waller 19 to curious observers what was Sports Editors Dominic Strowbridge Family histories happening the other side of the room. and 'Hector' Sullivan They were none the wiser. Procedure Science Editor Steve Black 20 Graphology is a hard thing to explain. Features Editor Kamala Sen Typesetting Rose Atkins When the voting took place it was Printing Dean Vaughan 22 Puzzles clear that only about eighty people Contributors: Chris Jones, Paul Shanley, Martyn Peck, Andrew were actually taking part in the Thompson, William Lumb, Martin Cole, Lloyd Ruddock, Andrew 23 The meeting. There were over three Daglish, Pippa Salmon, Chris Martin, Sunny Bains, Adrian Bourne, hundred people in the room but the Simon Bradshaw, Noel Curry, Phil Young, Adrian Grainger, Al Birch, alternative meeting was clearly inquorate. Rodger Houghton, Dave Jones, John Noble, Andrew Waller, Francis budget I am of the opinion that the idea of Barr, R McRitchie, Roy, Dave Smedley, Max Kallios, Steve Black, taking the General Meetings into the Sam Lee, and all the people who turned up to collate yesterday. JCR hasn't worked—it hasn't

FELIX is published by the Editor for and on behalf of Imperial College Union Publication Board and is printed by the Imperial College Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London, SW7 2BB (Tel 01-589 5111 ext 3515). Editor: Judith Hackney. Business Manager: Chris Martin. Copyright FELIX 1988 ISSN 1040-0711.

2 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX I\l ews

Spanner & Bolt liberated Lawson gets rid of covenants

The Royal College of Science Union Parents whose children enter higher at home. Outside London, the grant (RCSU) successfully liberated both education for the first time this is £2050 for students not living at mascots of the City & Guilds Union Autumn will be expected to pay up home. (C&GU), Spanner & Bolt, yesterday. to 25% less towards the student's Parental contributions are A member of RCSU managed to maintenance, following last week's calculated according to 'residual stowaway in the car which was Budget. The difference will be made income' from the scales shown below: carrying the mascots, after they had up by their Local Education left a C&GU meeting. The car was Authority. left behind Linstead Hall, with the The reduction is compensation for Parental contribution scales in full mascots still in the boot. The student the end of the tax relief on student then called the Mascotry team which covenants taken out after the Budget Residual Scale 1 Scale 2 opened the boot and took the mascots. and is much higher than had been income (existing reduced At first Guilds denied that the predicted. An unpublished report by scale) scale) mascots had been taken but later it the Department of Education and became clear that RCSU had indeed Science, however, shows that about 9900 50 37 C&GU President elect Ralph removed them. 40% of dependent students receive 10000 64 48 Greenwell holds Spanner aloft RCSU plan to ransom the mascots less than the assessed amount from 11000 207 155 back to Guilds for Rag. their parents. 12000 350 262 The City and Guilds Hustings UGM took place yesterday. The Presidential The old and new assessment scales 12600 435 326 candidates, Ralph Greenwell—proposed by Duncan Royle, and Chris will run side by side for the next four 13000 515 386 Home—proposed by Chris Greenwood, each had three minutes to say academic years. Grants for students 14000 715 536 why they thought they should be elected next year. With neither candidate already in full-time higher education 15000 915 686 reaching quota on the firstallocation , the second placed votes were counted. will still be calculated from the scales 16000 1115 836 This proved to be the closest ever presidential election in the history of as announced last December, whether 17000 1315 986 Guilds with 49 first place votes and 62 second place votes cast for each there is an existing covenant or not. 18000 1515 1136 candidate. Under Guilds election rules, it was left for Returning Officer, Exceptions to this rule will be students 18400 1595 1196 Alan Hepper, to have the casting vote. He ruled that as Mr Greenwell who entered higher education before 19000 1745 1309 was a second year, the vote should be cast in his favour, and so he was the age of eighteen, whose birthdays 20000 1995 1496 elected and subsequently ratified as next year's President. are after Budget day. Students who 21000 2245 1684 In the election for Vice-President, Max Kallios was returned unopposed change courses will continue to be 22000 2495 1871 after Chris Home announced his decision not to stand down to VP assessed under the old system unless 23000 2745 2059 candidate. there is at least two years between 24000 2995 2246 The election for Hon Sec was close with Murray Williamson polling 61 courses. 25000 3245 2434 votes to Chris Greenwood's 51. The rates of grant effective from 26000 3495 2621 Following the meeting, Mr Greenwell followed the tradition of buying September 1st 1988 are £2425 for 27000 3745 2809 everyone present a round in the Queen's Arms, which came to £56.09. students who live in London away 28000 3995 2996 Mr Greenwell told FELIX, 'I'm completely underwhelmed'. from home and £1630 for those living 29000 4245 3184 30000 4495 3371 31000 4745 3559 31620 4900 3675 32000 3746 33000 3934 wet 'SS 34000 4121 35000 4309 36000 4496 37000 4684 38000 4871 38153 4900

Notes: 1. No parent's actual contribution can exceed the gross award entitlement of his child or children, so at higher income levels the contribution payable will often be less than shown by the Scales.

Shan's Dodgy Sporting Tips

All selections run today NAP: Mystic Music Kelso, 4.45pm NB: Mirandingha Kelso, 5.1 5pm c.rfe) Megan's Move Kelso, 3.15pm

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 3 I\l ews

Vickers say No to planned Mines results Reading to

postgraduate only hall The Royal School of Mines Union (RSMU) elections for next year took take degrees place yesterday with Tariq Abbas of The proposal to make Weeks Hall a Mr Arthur went on to say that if MRE 2 becoming RSMU President postgraduate only residence may have Vickers did say no to the proposals for 1988/89. Vice President with the Reading University has established to be shelved due to pressure from the then the matter would have to be re- largest majority was Eddie Gadd, also procedures to withdraw students' engineering company Vickers. As discussed at the next SRC. He said MRE 2, and Nikki Deards (Mat 2) degrees retrospectively. The reported in FELIX (793), Weeks Hall that the only other hall suitable to was elected unopposed to Hon Sec. University claims that the measure was earmarked as a new postgraduate become postgraduate only was one of The next Junior Treasurer will be will improve freedom of speech, by only hall following a decision taken the Southside halls of residence. If Ros Eden (Mt 2), and 88/89 Foreign dissuading sabbatical officers from at the College's Student Residence, one of these was not accepted then the Students Officer is to be Neil Agble 'noisy demonstrations aimed at Committee (SRC). The use of Weeks idea of a new postgraduate hall would (Mat 1). preventing people from speaking'. had to be subject to the agreement of have to be scrapped. As an additional measure, a video Vickers which provided money for its Union President Sydney Harbour firm is hired to record student construction. One of the conditions Bridge said that he was 'in a tricky protests. The University maintains made by the company was that all situation' because a Union General ULU flop there are suspicions that the protests Vickers' sponsored students would be Meeting had mandated him to resist are 'orchestrated by people outside guaranteed places in the Hall. The any moves to make any part of Only one of the top three University the University' and that the videos company, however, is unhappy with Southside postgraduate only. He said of London Union (ULU) sabbatical will in fact protect genuine students. the proposal and has told College that he would take any new proposals posts was contested at the Annual The Student Union claims that last Assistant Secretary Michael Arthur back to a UGM which could decide General Council (AGUC) last year the University tried to delay verbally that they are initally opposed to call a rent strike if College forced Sunday. awarding sabbaticals' degrees until to the SRC's plan. a postgraduate hall on Southside. Stewart Jackson, of Royal the end of their term of office. After Mr Arthur told FELIX that he Mr Arthur said that 'everybody Holloway and Bedford New College the recent enactment of the Education hadn't 'got a definitive answer yet' thought that it (the proposal for a (RHBNC) was returned unopposed No 2 Act (1986), which involves but that Vickers had given several postgraduate only hall) was a good for 1988/89, as his opponent was not freedom of speech, the University reasons why the proposal would not idea but they didn't want it in their properly registered as a student, and decided it could strip past students' be a good one. He said that they had hall'. It will be up to the Residents Nicola Jones of University College degrees; it claims all universities have asked for more information, which he Committee to decide on a final (UCL) was elected to Vice President this right. had sent, but he had not received a proposal if Vickers should object to (Finance and Administration) without Rob Wilson, President of Reading written reply. using Weeks. opposition. SU, described the actions as The only contested post was for 'restricting the freedom of speech of Vice President (Services), where students'. He said that the Union has Louise Van der Straeten (UCL) beat a freedom of speech policy and will NUS threatened by MPs Grant Barden (RHBNC) by a large not prevent anyone from speaking as margin. long as they speak within the law. An attempt by Tory back bench MPs shop; student unions can and do vote The new President, Stewart The Union is taking advice on a to force student unions to 'opt in' to to join and leave, they say their Jackson, promises in his manifesto, legal petition to take to the Queen, the National Union of Students, policies are decided by students at to advertise ULU's services more who is the Visitor of Reading instead of the present automatic their conferences, all of whom are widely and he aims to 'popularise and University. membership system, is unlikely to elected in cross-campus ballots. utilise ULU to change its image from succeed. Some 214 backbenchers The Government announced a bureaucratic students union without tabled an 'early day' motion yesterday that they would not be students to a Union for all students'. The proposing the change, led by adopting the clause and so it was only The returning officer told the Royal School of Conservative Tim Janman, MP for tabled near the bottom of the order meeting that they had collectively Mines Journal Thurrock. paper, enabling any opponents to 'talk failed in encouraging people to come The NUS, in fighting the motion, the motion out'. As FELIX went to forward and stand for ULU posts, 1988 claim that the NUS is not a closed press, the outcome was unknown. particularly the student The RSMJ (1988 edition) will be representatives on Senate—the top printed in June this year. The RSMJ iC Union presents body in the University. There are still is a must for anyone who wants to four senator posts left unfilled after be kept well informed of all aspects the meeting. of academic life in the Minerals An American Bash Industry and life at the RSM. As featuring has been the case in previous years we are continuing to add new Stagefright features and ideas to the Journal Books shelved and this year is to be no exception. Plus the Gents- Further information please The Senate House library may be contact either: Frank Lucas (Editor) Disco-Cheap Beer- made reference-only if plans by the or Barrie Holt (Business Manager) c/o Royal School of Mines Journal, Rich Henry's Cheap American Grub University of London are put into Prince Consort Road, London SW7 action. The idea was put forward to 2BP Tel: 01-589-5111 (ext. Frank Thursday 24th March the library users as an idea to save the 3524 / Barrie 6472) To be sure of obtaining your 1988 Tickets £2 -gives 30% off the grub -all profits to Rag library money. Librarians, however, RSMJ order now through the above Disco and Food start 7pm have warned that if all books are kept address £5.00 (including P/P ) UNION BUILDING in the building there will be no shelf Life subscriptions £150.00 space left for new books. Cheques payable to : RSMJ

4 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX Liaison London committee blackspot

The EEC should recognise London as set up a 'priority area of economic and social need'; according to a delegation which arrived in Brussels on Monday. A liaison committee is to be set up to The delegation comprises the leaders provide better communications of the fifteen labour boroughs and the between College administration and Inner London Education Authority. the unions concerning Silwood Park. Although London's areas of high At a meeting between College unemployment are amongst the worst Secretary John Smith and in the European Community, it is not representatives of all the staff unions, a designated development region as the unions expressed their are Belfast and Naples. The EEC has apprehension about the new Science funded training schemes as well as Park and its staffing. ASTMS investing several million pounds in spokesman John Fecamp told FELIX technology research funding in the yesterday that he was 'concerned that capital, so is likely to resist the a resource of the College was not delegation's proposals for more necessarily being put to the best use'. spending. Mr Fecamp is unhappy that the The proposals include special Technology Transfer Centre is not measures to help the employment and providing as much 'transfer of training of women and young people thought' as he believes it should but with support for an expanded poverty is instead being let out to private programme. companies to derive income. Mr Smith told FELIX that College was making around £100,000 each year as clear profit from renting out Tory row space in the Silwood Science Park which was enabling more A row about the sabbatical elections development work to take place at at Kings College is still running, long Silwood. He said that he saw the need after most students have forgotten that for more communication but that they ever took place. Five right-wing The Blue Ox Babes played the Union Lounge last Friday to a small but 'unions have no role' in the Science Conservatives were disqualified for appreciative audience. The Babes have been receiving a great deal of press Park. He is concerned that the allegedly forging three of their twenty coverage recently following the release of their latest single. College unions don't appreciate that nominating signatures. the Science Park is business. The Students' Union then began The new committee will have no disciplinary proceedings against the powers but it is hoped that all tories, but none of them turned up to concerned parties will be able to have the hearing which had to be Merger Flood a say in what is happening in Silwood. adjourned. The Union then sent The IC Union President was also registered post letters to them but on The Councils of the Central School The Union's Print Unit was severely invited to attend the meeting, and the second date the same thing of Art and Design and St Martins flooded over the weekend following although he didn't, it is hoped that happened. The Disciplinary School of Art have decided to agree heavy overnight rainfalls. It was there will also be student Committee has now referred the to a merger despite bitter opposition estimated that around £100 worth of representatives on the new committee. matter to the Principal. from both student unions. paper was ruined.

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FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 5 Union Rag Fete Letter from

On Saturday April 30 the annual Rag Fete will take place on and around St Mary's Queen's Lawn. This regular mega- event is the final major fling for Rag My absence last week was due to the before exams take their toll, and is an success of our Rag Week. Unlike IC, ideal opportunity to enjoy yourself. the students at St Mary's like the idea As usual, trips up the Queen's Tower of compacting the whole Rag will be taking place offering superb activities into one hectic week. This views of London and there's a bar allows the participating individuals to extension until 5pm. with a regular completely forget extra course work bar. real ale bar and a Pimms stall. outside the lectures etc, and devote Mascotry Rules their energies entirely to the persuit Jez and Bo will be out offering rides for all: there will be stocks, allowing This term new rules were set down by the Imperial College Union and of having a good time. you to get your revenge on major its three Constituent College Unions based on mascotry. These new rules One can argue the merits of the Union figures of this year and next; were called for after several unpleasant incidents took place last term. different approaches, and I suppose there will be a large raffle, top prize being a student here I am being a trip for two to Paris; lots of automatically biased, but the stalls with food, prizes and silly The following clauses have been agreed by the Constituent College concentration achieved benefits the games: and Michael Bentine will be Unions of the Imperial College of Science and Technology: whole exercise as there is an identity, giving a guest lecture. There will also 1. For the purposes of this agreement a mascot shall refer to such an people do not tire of fund-raising, and be all the regular stunts and tricks like object as is defined by a Constituent College Union as the 'Violate anyone can try hard for a single week. fire eating and some new ones as well. Mascot' of that Union. At the time of this agreement these are as This Rag Week had the innovative The Fete will be opened by Matilda follows: (for us) Paris Dash, which by all Ziegler (Donna) and Lucy Bayler a) Royal School of Mines Union—'Davy' accounts was thoroughly enjoyed by (Elizabeth) of Eastenders at 2pm and b) Royal College of Science Union—'Theta* the participants and also raised lots of will end with the traditional wrestling c) City & Guilds College Union—'Spanner & Bolt' money. Still out on its own in terms match—though whether it will be in 2. The CCU's do not condone: of capital generated, is the Breakfast mud or jelly this year is as yet unsure. a) Any violence in mascotry raids (you are reminded that injury Party on Paddington Station. The The day doesn't end then though, to any person may result in disciplinary and/or legal students dress in Pyjamas etc and sell since there will be a massive party in proceedings). Rag Mags (or attempt to!) amongst the Union Building that night to round b) The breakage of locks, chairs, or any structures which are not the morning crush of commuters. off both the Ents and Rag years. specifically and solely securing a mascot in place, or the last This even raised £4559, which set the tone for the rest of the week. So come along to Queens Lawn on remaining obstacle to the mascot (eg cupboard). April 30 for a really good time, and 3. Mascotry is no excuse to break the law. People breaking the law A live steel band entertained the if you've got a good idea for more will have no recourse to College or Union authorities. troops on the Wednesday evening at stalls contact me via ICU before the 4. All vehicles must abide by College regulations and speed limits. the Beach Party. Along with wicked end of term. 5. In the event of any breakage of College property or any injury being cocktails and a limbo competition the See you there! sustained by a member of the mascotry team or any member of fun passed far into the night. Dave Clements. the public, the President of the respective CCU and the President The Slave Auction on Friday night of ICU should be informed immediately. was unprecedented. A record £1600 6. There will be no attempted raid or other interference for the durations was pledged in return for the use of of any formal e"vent. For the purposes of masctory a formal event a 'slave for a day'. will be deemed to have started once the mascot is placed in the room I have described balls at Mary's ENTZ for that event, and has ended when the mascot is' removed from before this so I shall just mention the that room. fact that we had a Rag 'Oriental' Ball Possibly the last article I will have the 7. If the 'offensive' team has a number of members greater than four on the Saturday. A good recovery pleasure to write for FELIX, but no times the number of the 'defensive' team then a peaceful handover service was offered in the form of The doubt both I and the paper will of the mascot must take place. Jungle Book Show on Sunday evening survive. So what's going on down this 8. The use of ex-students shall be strictly limited to the person driving with cocoa and doughnuts. week, well on Friday March 18 two the vehicle actually carrying the mascot. Ex-students must not take Tuesday saw, in my opinion, the new young bands will be playing in part in any other aspect of the raid. best event of the week—The Bands the Union Lounge. The first band on 9. A copy of these rules should be prominently displayed in each CCU Night. Five bands (all in house) stage will be No Mans Band who Office. provided three hours of live some of you may have seen 10. Any alleged infringement of the above regulations shall be referred entertainment with excellent sound supporting the Lemon Drops at the to the ICU Executive Committee, who will rule on the complaint and the best lighting I've seen here Astoria a few weeks ago. The and decide on a course of action as necessary. ICU Executive yet. All the people who attended headline band go by the name of Blue Committee have the power to ban a person from mascotry activity. thoroughly enjoyed the event—the Ox Babes who's major claim to fame 11. ICU Sabbaticals must take and must be seen to be taking a neutral best way of evaluating the success of is the presence of half of Dexy's part in mascotry. an event. Midnight Runners including the one On Wednesday the UH Rugby Cup who wrote the songs for Kevin Signed on this 25th day of January 1988 for and on behalf of Final passed with an excellent flour, Rowland. Both bands are well worth Imperial College Union, Alan Rose, Deputy President. fish, guts and entrail fight after which a watch especially at £1.50 on the Royal College of Science Union, Clare McErlane, President. our team thrashed the Royal Free door or £1 in advance. So why not City & Guilds College Union, Dave Tyler, President. 32-0. come along, tickets are on sale in Royal School of Mines Union, Geoff Parsons, President. It also looks as if we have raised Norman's and the doors open at 9pm. in excess of £10,000.

6 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX 'That's it!' thought McNorthey. Til cut up random drunks from the bar!' THE LAST Unfortunately, he was unable to utilise this brilliant new supply idea because he was dead and being sliced up to provide the kebabs for the Baron and his entourage. EVER BARON John Secretary, Michael Arthur and Mad Dash were also worried men. They'd just seen the Baron's copy of the dreaded video. Only the Baron was happy. 'We won't have to deal with those peskey head citizens wanting the money -the runner up from the quarries,' he explained as they all tucked into their kebabs. 'But he wants to kill us too,' protested John Secretary. Largeamounts, the Phallix Editor, switched 'No he doesn't,' insisted the Baron. off her VCR and phoned the Caped 'Yes I have!' yelled Mad Dan, axing his way through a wall as they all dropped Avenger, the new head of the Super dead of hemlock poisoning. Heroism Department, who was in 'Knew we should only have eaten the polystyrene boxes,' muttered Arthur conference with Matt Chunder, the Caped Michael as he breathed his last. Crusader. Caped Avenger was not 'Caped, come quickly, I've just received , having a good day. First he'd a video tape from your arch-enemy, Mad . been interrupted at a vital Dan. He's threatening to kill all the stage in his negotiation for a characters in the Baron.' TV series and block-buster Okay, Largeamounts, I'll be right over.' movie, then he'd been Meanwhile at the Cheapskate Head unable to stop Mad Dan Citizens' Council, Sidney Spanker, Miss iterally axing the cast of the Greviousbodilyharm, Claire McUseless, Baron. He stood in the Dave Braincell and Jumping Jehosophat Baron's throne room were trying to teach some of the new head wondering where Mad Dan citizens—Dai Rocking, Heavy Smell 4id had gone. Coral Lustsome—ho w to appear to be very Suddenly he saw vapour good at a job they were very bad at. Next emerging from the basement on the agenda was a mysterious of the Baron's Tower, and video-tape. watched in horror as the roof opened. 'Do you think he means it?' quailed 'Oh no! Not the Victorian ICBM/MIRV targetted on the Crimea, the Bars, Sidney, hoping he would be spanked to Paris, Berlin and Moscow!' ' death in his new dress. He sprinted to the control centre on top of the Stargazing Department, but 'No,' said Heavy, glaring menacingly at Braincell. 'It's probably just a flag Mad Dan was already gone. A screen displayed the message, 'LAUNCH stunt by the Lumpsofmetalworshipers' Tit Squad.' IMMINENT'. 'Yes I do and no it isn't,' said Mad Dan as he axed through the door and 'ABORT LAUNCH' he typed in desperation. sliced them into very small pieces. IMPOSSIBLE, THE ABORTION DEADLINE HAS BEEN REDUCED FROM 28 Largeamounts was very worried. All her staff were on sick leave suffering SECONDS TO 18 SECONDS SINCE INITIATION. LAUNCH TEN SECONDS.' from exhaustion, the citizens were convinced she could produce Phallix on 'ABORT TARGET.' her own, the printing press had blown up, someone was threatening to axe 'PLEASE ENTER NEW TARGET OR ALL HEADS WILL RETURN TO LAUNCH her favourite column, and she'd sworn at and hit the photocopier in desperation. SITE.' It had printed it would only work under a new editor. 'Ah, well,' he thought, 'might as well kill three birds and a pet with one stone.' Just as she thought 'NEW TARGET: KENNY & MAGGIE'S PLACE, UPPING LANE, LONDON.' things couldn't possibly 'Should see off that Gerbill!' he continued to think. get any worse, Geordie At that instant the telescreen sprang to life. It was a nuisance, they were Dogleash and Mr all in public places and never showed anything interesting, but you couldn't Spindivecrashburn of the turn them off. Then he realised what it was saying: Mayfair Club dropped by 'Mad Dan, the new Dictator of Cheapskate, will address his slaves in two in their car to pester her. minutes.' To STODGE at once! This is it,' she thought, Mad Dan grinned at the camera evilly. 'Bad day, slaves. First I must reveal 'the lowest'. The the the true identity of that megawimp, the Cloaked Marina. He is ugh!' he said lights went out and in as the Caped Avenger suffocated him by throwing a self-sealing cape across burst Mad Dan. his face. 'I'm gonna axe you for Caped took the stage. 'Citizens of Cheapskate, you may go about your legal not revealing the true business. But beware random laundry-users! I will get you.' identity of the Caped There only remained to Avenger!' he screamed. discover the identity of Mad Fortunately he thought she was alone and was taken completely by surprise Dan. Removing his mask, when Mr Spindivecrashburn started breakdancing, enabling Geordie Dogleash Caped gasped. It was his to empty a bucket of photocopier fluid over him. flat-mate, Mike 'Quick!' yelled Spindivecrashburn, 'You can escape to the Bahamas and be Insaneaxewielding maniac! our page one girl!' 'Wheyaye,' rejoiced Geordie Dogleash as they all jumped into the flame-red Is this really the end of the Aston Martin Vantage Volante and accelerated from 0 to 60 in under four Baron? seconds into the sunset, never to be seen again, except on postcards from Will McNorthey's ghost the West Indies. open the kebab joint? In the Quite Tasty Burger Bar, McNorthey was a worried man. He'd promised to open a kebab joint in the lounge above the McNorthside bar, but he was Will it be safe to get drunk running out of meat for the Quite Tasty outlet, never mind a new 'catering' in the bar? venture. How he wished he ran Normal's-they didn't use meat at all! And PS. The Caped Avenger is the Baron wanted some sample kebabs now! better known as...(edited Suddenly, in burst Mad Dan and cut off his arms, legs and head. due to lack of space).

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 7 aiding brain surgery in cases of injury. Significantly, their work Editorial represents a technique that allows UNDER! THE study of the whole brain without n having to dissect it. The sort of Those of you who promised features answers that they are getting should for the science page had better get a be far more useful than the move on: there are only eight issues reductionist models of brain action of FELIX left this year. The Easter common at present. holiday is a good time to get stuck in to an article. You do want to be famous don't you? You do want to get MICROSCOPE your name in print? Honestly, it really is good for you and it really isn't that Deadly veg by Steve Black hard to do. Articles can be sent to me via the Chemistry PG letter racks or I always get annoyed when people you can phone me on int 4642. complain about chemical additives in Stories illustrating Richard food. Most of them are there for a Feynman's unique approach to things (though he wasn't expelled from the Emission Tomography' (PET for good reason and have been continue to appear. Here is one I church for this but for his adherence short), but it's not as painful to do as thoroughly tested for safety. The found particularly worth repeating to Fransiscan vow of absolute it is to pronounce. It has already same cannot be said for some of the since it shows Feynman himself poverty—the 14th century Vatican caused a stir among brain scientists naturally occurring chemicals present putting all his great achievements in wasn't too keen on poverty). by short circuiting some of their in perfectly ordinary foodstuffs. physics into perspective. The source Ockham laid the intellectual previous theories. Recently a group of chemists have of the story is Marcus Chown, who foundations for modern science by his The method involves injecting the spotted some particularly nasty is Reviews Editor for New Scientist. espousal of the principles of subject with radioactive water (the compounds in the celery, parsnip and The first science progamme that empiricism and reductionism. radioactivity only lasts for several carrot family.' Marcus Chown's mother ever Modern science has been ruthlessly minutes and the amounts involved are The effects of these chemicals was watched was the Horizon profile on reductionist. To find out how safe—less radiation is involved than first seen during the First World War Feynman. She seemed very interested complicated things work, we have in conventional medical X-rays). The when a group of soldiers in France in him, even though she had never tended to chop them up into smaller emission can be detected and a map were taken severely ill after loading shown any other interest in science things that are easier to understand. of where the radioactive water has some supplies into the truck. Initially despite her son's constant attempts to This has been an immensely gone can be made from the the symptoms were mistaken for explain physics to her. successful technique in the physical information. The parts of the brain mustard-gas poisoning (the Germans Later, when Chown was at sciences. The ten million or so known that work hardest use more water, and had just started to use gas as a CalTech, he thought of the useful chemicals can be chopped into the 100 the radioactive oxygen accumulates weapon). But it turned out that the idea: he would ask Feynman to write or so elements which can, in turn, be there. This enables scientists to tell symptoms were the result of handling to his mother in the hope that this divided into protons, electrons and what parts of the brain are used for vegetables suffering mild fungal would prompt her to be more neutrons, and so on. certain activities. infections. receptive to his explanations of This technique has not proved so The recent work involves a study Recently chemists have been science. He had never spoken to wonderfully useful in the life of how we convert reading into investigating the chemicals that cause Feynman before, but he knew, sciences. There, reductionism often speech. Previously it was thought that the trouble. The particular group of somehow, that he wouldn't reject the gets in the way of progress: it is we convert the visual image into its compounds involved (with names idea as trivial. difficult to understand how an animal spoken equivalent, then look it up in such as psoralen, angelicin and He was right, Feynman duly posted works by chopping it into pieces, as a dictionary to see what it means and coriandrin) are produced by some a letter, but this is what it said: 'Dear animals tend to stop working when only then pass it to the speech centre plants in response to stress such as Mrs Chown, ignore your son's they are chopped up. We find it to be vocalised. PET shows that no physical damage or fungal infection. attempts to teach you physics. Physics difficult to understand how brains dictionary stage is needed: we convert The compounds act by interfering isn't the most important thing. Love work (even though we understand the scribblings directly into sounds. with nucleic acids and hence DNA is. Best wishes, Richard Feynman.' bits well) because the whole is more However, the area of the brain that replication. They are at their worst in Marcus Chown told the story to than the sum of its parts. Biologists is active in converting writing into the presence of sunlight which excites illustrate Feynman's character and he are, eventually, moving away from sounds is different from the area the molecules enabling them to cause didn't think it was particularly severe genetic damage and virtually profound. But I think that it is both prevent cell repair or replication in the profound and moving: the first time invader. Unfortunately the chemicals I read it I cried. rub off onto anyone who handles the vegetables. The resulting symptoms are rather like some chemical weapons. There are few regulations Following requiring cancer-testing on fresh vegetables, but there may soon be a brains as they case for it, as these natural nasties outclass most of the ones developed by man in deliberate attempts to make work deadly compounds. If the vegetables are in good condition, there is not If William of Ockham was a saint he reductionist methods and are starting involved in actually understanding usually a problem, but concentrations would be the patron saint of scientists to look at things as a whole. what is written. Perhaps this should of the nasties shoot up when the (unfortunately he was excom- This brings me (belatedly) to the have been obvious from the behaviour vegetables have been damaged. I'm municated for heresy). He was the subject of this story: a new technique of politicians. taking my rubber gloves home from 14th century theologian who invented for studying how whole brains work The group are now working on the the lab to use in my kitchen. the principle that the simplest that doesn't involve chopping them study of more complicated tasks. explanation must be the best one up. The technique is called 'Positron Their work may prove useful in (Chemistry in Britain, 24, p203)

8 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX Libel

'Will it be ready on time?' 'Don't worry, that place will certainly be your tomb.' 'And my staff?' THE LAST EVER BARON 'We shall all be there, in the single rooms. Have no fear, there will be no one to disturb your peace.' 'Not even the new editor?' A -the winner 'Badloser? Don't worry, we've fixed him...'

'And Lo!' cried Sindy Silly-Suit, 'I command you, Largeamounts shone the arclight into Badloser's face. the Sinister Union, to be cast out from Cheapskate 'For the last time creep, do you know what a gestetner is?' and into the wilderness, so you can find your own Badloser tried to hide inside his hat. He was beginning to wish his posters hadn't dosh for a change. And may the UCCCCF kick the been so streetwise after all. sh*t out of you as well.' 'Er...some sort of veneral disease? 'You can't do this to us!', yelled the Sinister Sec A formula one car?' Jackie Jock. 'We haven't taken over the whole 'It's a printer, weasel face!' she college yet. And we'll have nowhere to hold our yelled and headbutted him to illustrate rallies. Where are we going to advertise?' her point. 'Spread the word of God by mouth,' suggested 'Oh God, this is the best day of my an ailing Baron from his wheelchair. Phallix career,' she suddenly beamed, Pathos Ritzpenis gagged the old man with a 'The spirit lives!!!' and she kicked copy of Cairo. 'Shut up non-believer or I'll show Badloser in the groin to make herself you the college's overdraft.' feel even happier. The Baron nodded wildly then slumped further 'Please don't' groaned Badloser, 'I'll back into the cushions. resign my post, I'll leave and join the Silly-Suit was about to continue his tirade when Carpies. Just stop torturing me. I can't a dreadful noise arose from Southside. 'Whassat?' stand it any longer.' he asked. 'Methinks,' answered Nigel Halfbaked as he 'And what about Silly-Suit?' asked a climbed off Fiona No-elastic, 'Tis Bob MacSnorty coughing Baron of Secretary. building his new Dog-on-a-stick house. Word has I'm going to deal with him it that it'll have ten strains of salmonella on the take-away menu alone.' myself...' was the reply.

'It is the policy of Cheapskate that any citizen has the right to join any society without Silly-Suit was busy restructuring the whole of Cheapskate admin when Secretary fear for his life, academic record, or consumer rights,' stated Sindy in his best walked in. crusading voice. (He omitted 'Bank Balance' for obvious reasons) 'We can't have 'I think there's something you should know, Sindy...' he said gravely. Sinisters flaunting the rules just because their divine ruler tells them to, can we?' Sindy was all ears (and he looked a real pillock with it). 'Tell me the worse John.' 'But the UCCCCF is all knowing, all seeing and all doing,' protested Jackie. 'We 'I've heard there's this little university union in outer Guatamala that's having appease it by obedience, and it showers us with the odd cheque.' trouble with its rulers. They need someone with dedication, devotion to duty, a strong 'And just what is in your coffers at the moment?' asked Sindy. Ritzpenis, scratched will and lousy dress sense. They need YOU, Sindy. Whaddayasay?' his head; then his armpit, then his head again. 'Ah...Well...Hmm...Dunno actually. Sindy stood up and pushed his chest out. Eyes glaring with a burning intensity Being a religious sect, we don't have much care for mon ' he began... At that moment, a large hobnailed boot attached to Jock's foot met with Pathos' 'Wherever there is injustice in this world. I shall be there. Whenever students need rear and sent him sailing out of the someone, I shall go to them. I....AM....SUPER-SJNDY!' union mausoleum and onto the Bite I J JFr^^^rft**- ' And with that he ripped off his pink Chino trousers to reveal some bright red boxers Rectangle below. with S-S inscribed. Then sniffing his armpit as he punched the air, he rushed out of the office and was never heard of again. The only clue to his whereabouts came Halfbaked let out an audible groan and from a dodgy report about him being eaten alive by an insane female Sinister got off No-elastic again. 'Hey guys,' missionary in the Phillipines, but this was never substantiated. (being the next President he had to learn to communicate) 'Don't you 'I think it's time,' said the Baron 'Call think we'd better listen to the budget?' in the priest for the last writings.' Jock and Silly-Suit grabbed the John Secretary did so solemnly. It nearest tranny and switched it on was a sad moment. Outside, the '....grants, covenant tax relief, housing citizens of Cheapskate were going benefit, nurses and filofaxes are to be about their pillage and rape with the abolished...' usual apathy. They would never They switched it off. understand how great the Baron had 'Right,' declared Silly-Suit, 'I'm been, never be able to understand the bored, I'm still the President, and what true wit involved. I say goes. So Sinisters out of here 'Right, I'll be off then' said the old now, someone wheel the Baron back man. 'See you at Stonyride.' And with to Surefield, and everyone else to the that he coughed once and died. bar.' 'Not bloody likely, pal,' said 'We'll be back you slimy ball of pigs Secretary standing up. Christ, all that syphilis Silly-Suit' ranted Jock as she sympathy had been hard work. But was dragged by her hair out of the now HE was in charge. A new dictator office 'We'll get you for this ' had arrived. The Baron was dead. Long live the Dragon Back in Surefield, the Baron was put to bed. He rested a while then called his ally John Secretary to his side. Will the Dragon ever breathe fire? 'I've got to know...Stonyride...?' he spluttered. Will Jackie Jock ever return? 'Everything's going fine,' assured Secretary. Will I ever get my sweatshirt?

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 9 Six months of a lifetime

As those who know me well will realise, 1 have now spent the last six months working full time for Norman's, the Union Snack Bar. I had a slack moment the other day, during which I had a mental play with some figures; the results quite surprised me. The figures in question relate to my use of time in those six months, and here they are: I estimate that I have made in excess of twenty thousand cups of coffee. This would have used enough cups to make a stack three hundred metres high, weighing twenty kilogrammes. In making those cups, I clocked up a total of more than a hundred kilometres just walking from the till to the coffee machine and back, and used about three hundred Flash in the pounds weight of coffee granules. I have made about five thousand cups of tea, adding seventy-five Last October I was dragged along to they just an unprofessional comedy three weeks at the Canal Cafe metres to the stack of cups and twenty the Gate Theatre in Notting Hill Gate trio hoping for a break in the Theatre, Little Venice and are kilometres to my walking total. to see a new comedy trio curiously entertainments world, they showed currently writing material for News I have smoked—arrgh—six named Flash Haddock. After authenticity and professionalism. Review, the largest running revue thousand cigarettes, shouted at appearing in numerous Electrical Enticed by the odd name and their show in London. They have been Norman Jardine two hundred times, Engineering revues and Beit Hall fantastic scriptwriting I chatted to hailed as 'the best new scriptwriters and had a furious row with Captain parties I was assured they were worth them recently about their work in in years', by Ian Christinsen, who Braincell. I have spent a total of four a try. The show was a huge success; comedy revue. took them on for News Review and and a half hours arguing with Simon although their acting was useless, the Flash Haddock are not a wacky are presently trying for work with Bosher about gay rights, worn material was well thought out and the band of surrealists. 'Don't even BBC Radio. provocative tee-shirts, and leched at audience were behind them all the mention the words wacky or zany in Flash Haddock describe their most of the Life Sciences department, way. this,' they said 'that's just the kind of humour as a cross between Monty including one member of staff. On the strength of their success that humour we're not'. So I did. The Python and Not the 9 O 'Clock News. I have emerged with a great liking night, Flash Haddock were contracted three present members of Flash Made up of short sketches, their act for the raving Jock ned who runs the to appear at the Gate in February this Haddock, Josh (James O'Shea), stands out from the run of the mill place, and guess what? I'd do it all year and my curiosity forced me to Douglas Earl andMalcolm Busby are stand-up comedy, most of which has again. find out how they had progressed. all ex-IC students from Electrical little variation. They pride themselves on their rapid turnover of material, See you all soon, The change was very noticeable. The Engineering. Directed by Ashid even their favourite sketches are Andrew Bannister LP script, as before, was hilarious but Hilne, they have just finished a three continually being revamped. (Leftie Poofter) now they could act. No longer were week stint at the Gate Theatre and If you fancy the idea of Ronald Reagan fooling the world into thinking he's thick or a very tongue OPINION in cheek view of American TV evengelists, Flash Haddock are From South Africa to Palestine appearing, with a new revue, ! Robocod at IC on Wednesday March saBBaaa BtoQexa "You can kill the dreamer 23 at 9pm in the Lounge. At £1 for I but you cannot kill the dream advance tickets or £1.50 on the door, BAG CASINO The dream is freedom they are well worth a trip to see. the dream is alive Tickets are available from Soc Reps and no amount of force will and Normans. change that" But why Flash Haddock? 'Fish are I Thursday 24th march z^an I The Roman Catholic Archbishop of essentially funny and we were flicking Cape Town (Feb 88) through an old Queen LP at the time, Cost £1=50 we were very nearly A Night at the | Union Building Submitted by S Alami, Haddock. Chem Eng PG.

10 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX Libel

THE FUNNIEST thing to reach Mr Harbour Bridge has also becoming increasingly concerned by my ears this week was the tale of the confided to his close friends that he this abnormal behaviour and were IC Radio elections. A tough campaign intends to run for a second term as outraged to find the two watching the was fought between 'naughty' Nigel ICU President. Niggly Nigel Baker Cheltenham Gold Cup on a television Whitfield, final year chemist Richard is just 'keeping his seat warm'! in the FELIX Office especially Fincher and Judith Hackney, who imported for the occasion last needs something to do next year. IF MR SHB does stand for Thursday. Miss Hackney, 22, denies Richard was elected after the President next year, he will certainly everything. reallocation of Judith's votes and have some stiff opposition. We've admitted that he was somewhat only just got rid of this year's FAILED HON SEC candidate surprised by the outcome. 'I voted sabbatical elections and potential Rodger Houghton has gone into deep LINSTEAD and Tizard Halls of Judith 1 and me 2, actually,' he said candidates for the 1989/90 session are depression since being defeated. He Residence don't seem to be hitting it later! already making statements of intent. has been sighted getting paralytic in off at the moment. Linstead Those in the running so far are Neil Southside Bar in the company of celebrated its birthday last week with THERE WERE cheers in every McCluskey, current Recreational several young ladies. This came to a a party and a large message across the part of the College two weeks ago Clubs Committee Chairman, who is head last week when, after losing-his windows of the hall reading 'Happy when Syd Harbour Bridge (nee becoming increasingly vocal on all the glasses, he turned up at a house he no Birthday Linstead'. This was soon Howgate) threw a tantrum and important Union committees he can longer resides in, wearing only one followed by a message on Tizard's withdrew from the race for UGM get himself on, also several Beans shoe. Fellow residents at Lexham gallery level window saying 'We hate Chairman when the Results UGM Club candidates and a hamster. The Gardens have taken to calling him Linstead'. Linstead retaliated by decided not to let the new Constitution FELIX Office is running a bet on 'Cinderella'. But will Rodger ever invading Tizard and, in the process, and Policy Officer (CPO) through. He whether SHB will manage a 'Ronald find his prince? flooded a landing, removed all the seems to have taken the loss of his Reagan' or just fade into obscurity. lavatory chains from one staircase and chosen post next year to heart. He was WHAT DOES a warden do with pinched all the toilet paper in recently seen in the Bar shouting after WHY IS THERE so much interest five free hours? Southside. winner Paul 'Shan' Shanley, 'I'll be in the drongo post of Union Publicity New Holbein Warden Chris All wacky stuff, but my spies tell watching you every step of the way Officer for next year? For the last few Toumazou might know. Recently he me that it was not the residents of next year'. years no-one has come forward to do decided to emulate his residents by Tizard who wrote the offending My sources close to the great this thankless job, but there will be doing some serious sharking at a party message. It was, in fact, a subversive Bridge tell me that he has contingency as many as five candidates this year. in Linstead Hall. He was cornered by Falmouth-Keogh group, known as plans. He believes that he will Is this because a certain well-known a fellow (female) warden and then B*st*rdSoc, that has reaped havoc definitely be the next subwarden of ICU President made it clear that he disappeared at midnight. He was next around Southside for several weeks Southwell House, Evelyn Gardens would stand for this post as a last seen when he interrupted a Holbein now. when the post is advertised next term. resort if he didn't get CPO? all-night poker school at 5.00am. My But why did Tizard not remove the Why? Because great friend, and one spies described his condition as 'well message when they saw what BSoc time presidential proposer, Ken TOY BOY Paul 'Ego' Shanley has under the influence, but well over the had done? Answers on windows Young is the Warden there and has been leading poor, impressionable please. promised him the job. FELIX Editor Judith Hackney astray. If this plan falls through, or even Every since he became a regular THAT'S ALL for now folks! MORE STORIES of wacky if it doesn't, he will be watching for fixture in the FELIX Office, she has goings on in the halls of residence any slips that Shan makes so that he been seen drinking alcohol, betting on reached me this week. Apparently the can 'No Confidence' him and the nags and indulging in indecent Chris Jones latest rage in one of the halls is reinstate the CPO. interviewing techniques. Staff are stealing people's door handles. A more advanced version of this is to unscrew the handle and take out the bar connecting the inner and outer handles and refit the handle. The lock, therefore, looks untouched but is rendered inoperative, trapping the owner either inside or outside. One unfortunate 'victim' of this was a female postgraduate who had her bar removed at midnight on Saturday. She didn't discover it until the next morning.

WHO IS the Phantom Electrician of the Union Building? This strange poltergeist has been nicking the light bulbs from the lift as fast as the Union can replace them. STOIC Technical Manager 'Axeman' Jon Denham thought that he could get the better of this ghost. He fitted a 200W bulb which was so bright it gave lift passengers a suntan, and so hot that no mortal could have removed it. However, the Phantom struck again, and within two days the remains of the bulb were seen scattered all over level four of the Union Building.

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 11 eatures Historic—the names and the places

BY MARTIN COLE

the RCS). During his life he published IC's history, dating some 150 research papers of a largely zoological nature. back to before the But Huxley is probably best remembered for his support of 1907 Charter of Darwin's theory of evolution and in particular a famous clash with Bishop Incorporation, has Wilberforce at the British Association Oxford. The Bishop, nicknamed 'Soapy Sam' on account of his verbal been dominated by skills, addressed the audience first using eloquent arguments to dismiss great scientists and Darwin's The Origin of Species. Despite winning the audience over, leaders. Their he could not, however, resist a direct attack at Huxley, asking, 'Is it on his contribution to the grandfather's or his grandmother's side that the ape ancestry comes in?' College's present While this may have served to ridicule Huxley it also justified 'the form is recognised severeist retort' that Huxley could devise. After waiting for quiet, Huxley began to speak. In closing he in the names of the launched his counter-attack, 'No man should be ashamed of having an ape buildings around for his grandfather. If there were an ancestor whom I should feel shame College. But why in recalling it would rather be a man—a man of restless and versatile flNO rt«VONe. WHC intellect—who, not content with an in particular are HTTlZARO" WILU PfiOBASLVJ equivocal success in his own sphere of activity, plunges into scientific those elite questions with which he has no real acquaintance, only to obscure them by remembered in an aimless rhetoric, and distract the attention of his hearers from the real Radar, Jets and Bouncing Bomb such a way? Read point at issue by eloquent digressions and skilled appeals to religious on.... prejudice.' Sir Henry Tizard (1885-1959) detecting enemy aircraft with radio The effect was, apparently, Rector (1929-42) beams and tracking them to allow tremendous with one lady fainting, Reading any biography of Tizard, one fighters to intercept. By 1939 Britain another leaping from her chair and an can easily get the impression that he had a network of radar stations that Apes? ovation to rival the Bishop's. single-handedly defeated Nazi was to prove crucial to her defence Germany. And, indeed, his in the war. Also in this year, Tizard Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-95) contribution to Britian's war effort secured uranium ore for British Dean of Normal School of Science was incredible by any standards. research into a nuclear weapon and (1881-95) In the First World War Tizard some for Prof G P Thomson (son of Despite spending only two years at served with the Royal Flying Corps, I J Thomson) at IC. His other school, by self-tuition Huxley won a working on bomb sights and testing outstanding achievements of this scholarship to Charing Cross Medical new aeroplanes. After the war, he period included his support of Sir School, only to leave in 1846 to join was involved in research on internal Frank Whittle in developing the jet the Royal Navy as an assistant combustion engines, becoming Rector ;ngine; his efforts in winning surgeon. His ship, HMS Rattlesnake, of IC in 1929. As Rector he secured American sympathy and, more toured the South Seas, and Huxley the money for Beit Hall, and also importantly, technical support in used this time to study marine life. On ensured that the land north of Imperial 1940, and his encouragement of sir his return in 1851, he was elected Institute Road would be used Barnes Wallis' dam-busting bomb. FRS (Fellow of the Royal Society) exclusively for education, with Tizard later described Wallis' and took three years research leave museums to the south. bouncing bomb as the 'finest from the RN, later being struck off. In 1933 as chairman of the individual technical achievement of In 1854 he bacame a lecturer at the Aeronautic Research Csmmittee he the war'. RSM (the part which was to become worked with PMS Blackett on

12 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX IC Rector in 'a Dead End Job'

Lord William George Penney McMahon Act, Penney was the (b. 1909) natural choice to lead the British Rector (1967-73) bomb programme. Despite persistent Penney studied Maths at IC, returning staff shortages he was able to achieve as an Assistant Professor at only 27 in six years, what had taken the years old. In 1940, he started Soviets fourteen years and the scientific work with the Government, Americans seventeen years (though largely involved with the effects of obviously not quite a fair explosions. With this experience he comparison!) with Britian's first test went to America to work on the on the Monte Bello islands in 1952. Manhattan Project. He witnessed the Followed by the H-bomb test on Alamogordo test and distinguished Christmas Island in 1957—the himself at the Bikini Atoll tests where 'Penney Banger'. he analysed the blast by its effect on From the creation, in 1945, of the carefully arranged sea-water filled UK Atomic Energy Authority Penney petrol cans, while the more was closely involved, and led the sophisticated American monitoring inquiry into the fire at Windscale in equipment was destroyed by the 1957, of which the report was Metaphysical Education explosion. Penney was an observer on recently made public under the thirty the Superfortress bomber that year-rule. Richard Bunion Haldane, Viscount was forced out of public life. delivered the Nagasaki bomb and this Penney was Rector of IC from Haldane of Cloan (1856-1928) Haldane maintained an active experience made him determined to 1967-73, and on retiring described it On committee responsible for interest in higher education safeguard British cities by developing as 'A dead end job; there is nowhere IC's Charter of Incorporation throughout his life, founding the LSE a British bomb as a deterent. to go and at the end of it, you are Interestingly Haldane was not a in 1895, and he was Birbeck College So when the US severed atomic dead.' scientist; he studied philosophy and president (1919-28). In 1904 he sat relations with Britain by the 1946 later law at Edinburgh and Gottingen on the committee that created the Universities, he was a Liberal MP, University Grants Committee, and 1885-1911, serving as War Minister later, the committee responsible for 1905-12, and Lord Chancellor IC's constitution. 1912-15 and again, in the first Labour In 1921, Haldane published a book Tube Government, in 1924. In his seven on the philosophical implications of years at the War Office he set up the Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Later Expeditionary Force (later to play an that same year Einstein stayed with Station important part in the Great War), the Haldane while visiting England, Territorial Army and the Officers' though he was sceptical of any moral Training Corps. application of his theory, considering Laboratory In early 1912, he visited Germany it to be 'purely abstract-science'. in an unsuccessful attempt to stop the Haldane was not a particularly naval arms race, this and his popular figure, often clouding otherwise close ties with Germany led political issues with his metaphysical to pro-German accusations from the erudition. sensationalist press. And in 1915 he

Patrick Maynard Stuart Blackett, In 1939, Blackett, as advisor to Baron Blackett of Chelsea Anti-Aircraft Command, helped in A Tall, Gangling Man (1897-1974) reducing the number of rounds Pro-Rector (1961-64) and Dean required to bring down enemy aircraft Lord Sherfield formerly ambassador. Throughout this time he (RCS) (1955-60) from 20,000 to 4,000. He was also Sir Roger Makins (b 1904) was invariably involved with atomic Following his father into the Navy, involved with tactical submarine Chairman of the Governing Body energy, and it was, therefore, of little Blackett saw action in the Falklands warfare, and RAF bomb sights. But (1962-74) surprise that he became Chairman of in 1914, and at Jutland, the principal Blackett was a scientist with a strong After a brief career in law, Sherfield the UK Atomic Energy Authority for naval battle of the First World War social conscience, as his controversial entered the Foreign Office, in 1928, four years from 1959-63. He was that gave the Royal Navy control of paper the 'Military and Political serving in Washington, Oslo and Chairman of IC's Governing Body the North Sea. Consequences of Atomic Energy' London. During the Second World 1962-74, being created Baron After the war, Blackett studied revealed. In this work he argued that War, he acted as advisor to Lord Sherfield (after his home village physics at Cambridge under Lord the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombs Swinton and later Harold Macmillan Sherfield-on-Loddon) in 1963. Rutherford, carrying out research on had been dropped for political reasons in their work as Resident Minister to More recently he chaired the Lord's improving Wilson's cloud chamber. and not, as President Truman had Allied forces HQ, Algiers. Select Committee on Science and In 1933 while studying cosmic rays claimed, 'to shorten the agony of In 1945 he was posted to the British Technology in 1987, recommending he was able to confirm Anderson's war'. At the time his views were held Embassy, Washington and was that Mrs Thatcher should appoint a discovery of the positron (positive as being pro-communist though they connected with the Tube Alloys cabinet minister for Science and electron). Much of his cosmic ray are now accepted as platitudinous. Project—part of the atomic bomb Technology and chair a council on the penetration research was conducted In 1953, he became Professor of programme—but was unable to same subject. 100 feet below London's pavements, Physics at IC, pursuing research into prevent the US from not sharing atom In his prime, Sherfield was on a disused platform at Holborn rock magnetism. He was honoured by secrets after the war. described in the Financial Times as station. It was not until 1948 that many institutions and received a life Following a five-year spell at the 'a tall gangling man who constantly Blackett received the Nobel Prize for peerage in 1969. Foreign Office in London, Sherfield gesticulates with large hands'. his work in these fields. returned to the United States as

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 13 Features OPINION A Question of Faith

It can hardly have escaped your comfortable. For some this will be the STATEMENT OF FAITH notice, on reading the last few issues CU, for others the Chaplaincy, for of FELIX, that the Christian Union others Cathsoc or Methsoc. And we I believe in: (CU) has been having a 'spot of do not presume to judge those who bother". But why, after over sixty do not feel their place is with us. 1. The unity of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit in years, have the Union decided not to There are a number of reasons why the Godhead. recognise the CU. I feel that an exception to the by-laws 2. Jesus Christ as my Saviour, my Lord and my God. The Union by-laws state that full should have been made in the case of 3. The divine inspiration of Holy Scripture as originally ICU members 'shall be entitled to the the CU (or the by-laws changed). given, and its supreme authority in all matters of faith use of all facilities and amenities Firstly, the CU is not a 'closed and conduct. provided by the Union'. This has been society'. Everyone is welcome to interpreted to mean that any student come and listen to and discuss what maternal body, the Universities and with many non-members also actively may join any club or society. The CU has been said (hence the 50 posters Colleges Christian Fellowship involved; mainly through asks members to sign a statement of distributed around College to (UCCF), which provides us with departmental Bible study groups). So 1 faith, and committee members to sign advertise each event). So, in this many (non-financial) resources, there is a call for it. a doctrinal basis (the belief on which sense, the CU is open to all ICU without which (or whom) we could But the Union fears an exception in the CU is founded) thus the CU's members. I made many friends, and not function effectively. the case of the CU would give clubs, constitution is seen as unconstitutional had an active part in the CU Physics Each year new students join, and with their self-elected membership, a and the CU was expelled from the Bible Study Group for nearly a year a new committee is elected—without 'carte blanche' to become part of ICU Union. (The ambiguous clause before becoming a CU member. This a membership clause or a doctrinal (FELIX 796). However, drawing regarding speakers (FELIX 798) will year membership cards weren't basis, it is easy to see how the CU parallels between religious societies be changed at the forthcoming EGM.) distributed until nearly three weeks could move away from the aims on and clubs is hardly plausible, even on the grounds of membership clauses. Perhaps the CU is badly named. It into the Autumn term, by which time which it is based. So in this sense, the But maybe the relevant ICU by-laws appears to give the impression that we students had seen what we were doctrinal basis provides continuity could be changed so that at least believe we represent all Christians. about, and could decide whether or through the years in the same way as committee members of religious However we are fully aware of the not they wanted to join. Interaction the Chaplains do within the societies could be required to state diversities within the Christian faith. with other Christian societies in chaplaincies. Also, without them, in their belief in the views the society We encourage those who do not fit College is high, many members of the extreme (but admittedly unlikely) aims to promote. comfortably into our society to find CU are members of other groups and circumstances, students opposed to a society in which they feel more at the CU president meets once a term the Christian Union could swamp Whatever happens to the CU in the home. Our own individuality from with the student leaders of the other membership and radically change or long run, the Union will have to other Christian societies is protected Christian societies. disband the society. I believe this has review its position or the C&G Motor by our doctrinal basis. This ensures So why the membership clause? It happened in the past to Gay Soc, with Club will also be out as it excludes that there is always a society in which ensures continuity, thus preserving committee members being elected those potential members who belong individuals can find a group of the character of the CU; and is who are unsympathetic to gay rights. to any motoring organisation other Christians with whom they feel necessary for affiliation to our A further analogy can be drawn than the RAC. This is to retain their between the CU and the orchestra. affiliation to their national body. An Anyone can join the orchestra; in the affiliation which presumably is as Clause 4. THE DOCTRINAL BASIS same way anyone can come to CU necessary to the Motor Club, as The doctrinal basis of the Union shall be the fundamental meetings. However, only those who affiliation to UCCF is for the CU. truths of Christianity as revealed in Holy Scripture, including: can play an instrument to the required Finally, could the CU survive on a) The unity of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit in standard will be allowed to perform, its own? I think yes, although it will the Godhead. thus retaining the characteristically be much more difficult. One third of b) The sovereignty of God in creation, revelation, high standard of the orchestra's CU's nationally do not belong to their redemption and final judgement. performances. Likewise by restricting students' unions. It doesn't seem to c) The divine inspiration and infallibility of Holy Scripture the voting membership and those affect their size, just the students' as originally given, and its supreme authority in all eligible for the Committee the pockets (at the University of Sussex matters of faith and conduct. character of the CU is retained. each CU member gives £10 a term to d) The universal sinfulness and guilt of human nature since Voting rights are the only difference CU funds. At Imperial with our the fall, rendering mankind subject to God's wrath and between a member and a non- membership, this would have to be condemnation. member, all meetings and social £15). e) The full deity of the Lord Jesus Christ, the incarnate activities, as previously stated, remain Within the objects of ICU is 'the Son of God, his virgin birth and his real and sinless open to everyone. encouragement of interest by students humanity; his death on the cross, his bodily resurrection Our affiliation to UCCF is very in matters outside the College and his present reign in heaven and earth. important. It provides support for our curriculum, especially cultural and f) Redemption from the guilt, penalty and power of sin student leaders, with advice, training athletic interests'. If there is a need only through the sacrificial death once and for all time and practical help etc, in the same for a CU, which I believe there is, of our representative and substitute, Jesus Chris, the way as the student leaders of then surely the Union should support only mediator between God and man. Methsoc, Cathsoc and the WLC are it. g) Justification as God's act of undeserved mercy, in which assisted by their chaplains. If you would like to discuss any of the sinner is pardoned all his sins, and accepted as I suppose that leaves the question the issues raised in this article with righteous in God's sight, only because of the 'Does IC need a CU?'. I'd say yes- me, then don't hesitate to get in righteousness of Christ imputed to him, this justification there has been a CU at Imperial since contact. being received by faith alone. at least 1922; the CU has always had Sam Lee, Physics 3. a large membership (this year 50,

14 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX This term started off with a cracker take the loss if it were not for the fact of a story about Linstead's ill-fated that College administration had basement sale in December. What had pushed Registry into providing more been thought as an obvious way to re- places for overseas students to cover organise the storage area in the Hall, the £3m deficit the College had turned out to be an insurers nightmare acquired. when several angry students tried to The Union and, in particular, NEWS reclaim their belongings which had President Ian Howgate felt that they been sold several weeks beforehand. had been misled by College when It all began when Linstead Hall they agreed to allow increased rents Convenor Martin Whitfield suggested to cover the purchase of Fisher. It was REVIEW that the basement area should be easy to see that the students were cleared and any unwanted property being asked to cover the cost just so sold for charity and to raise funds for that admin could reduce its debt. would be a postgraduate only hall and more concerned with its own the Hall's twentieth birthday party. Things came to a head mid-term following bitter ranglings between the running than with student issue. The Hall committee put up posters when College asked the Union to halls around Princes Gardens. It President Ian Howgate, meanwhile, and several small ads in FELIX to accepted bar increases of up to lOp seemed that Weeks was the ideal believes it to be great step forward. announce the clearout and sale. Only on a pint to cover the cost of refectory choice until Vickers, the engineering He is convinced that better unmarked packages were opened, refurbishment. If they didn't, College company who had provided the organisation will mean that more with all the old clothes being donated said that the money would have to funding for the Hall, expressed their student will want to get involved with come from another rent increase. displeasure at the decision. the Union and use its services. It was an impossible situation The College was trying to raise The merger with St Mary's is due brought on by the overlap of three money in other ways. Administration to take place in August. Their Union College accounts. Money could be decided that money could be saved if voted to become the fourth moved from the Residents Account to they de-centralised the Central Stores. Constituent College Union of the Conferences Account by allowing NALGO argued otherwise and a Imperial College Union but not a Conferences re-let Summer bitter battle has been fought by the CS single ballot box for the sabbatical accommodation at a big profit. Any staff to save the service. elections was taken over to money made by Conferences did not Meanwhile, IC Union and its music Paddington. go back to the Residents but was used societies were fighting the decision to The elections came and went. The by the Catering Account. College move the Music Room in 53 Princes results were predictable and the anti- wanted to provide better facilities Gate to a terminal room in the climax considerable. The whole thing such as the QT Burger outlet and bored us silly. Belushis in Southside but the initial Ian Howgate provided some light to Oxfam and valuable goods put investment had to be a large one. The relief mid-term when he changed his aside for sale. They found three Union, concerned that so much name for charity to Sydney Harbour- televisions, three stereos, ski boots, money was being spent on Bridge. He even managed to get a windsurfing outfit, a computer and refurbishment of the bars and food himself onto page 3 of The Sun. three bicycles which were all sold and outlets and not being ploughed back That's where they put all the tits. raised over a thousand pounds in the into accommodation, felt trapped. At FELIX came under some heavy fire process. the College's Bar Committee they for being Howgatist. argued that savings could be made in This was all very well for the Hall The Christian Union was thrown other areas. committee and its party but several out of ICU because of its constitution. other students were none to pleased The Union wanted more The CU demands that its members with the sale of their goods. It was information before allowing such an should sign a statement of faith. The claimed that the organisers had increase. The plan was shelved. Union demands that any ICU member opened marked packages, as well as It is clear that most students will be should have the right to join any of those that were not marked, and not worse off after April 1st. Kenneth its societies. They should not have to put enough effort into finding the Baker announced a 4% increase in the Computing Department because the sign any statements. The debate is still original owners. grants next year and Nigel Lawson new Management School wanted the going on as to whether exceptions The outcome was that an enquiry reorganised the covenant system in space. Despite noisy protests was held to stop such incidents his March budget. The Conservative throughout the year, the move went happening again, the party was a great ahead and the music societies have success and the College insurers are been told that if enough sponsorship still arguing about who should pay. can be raised, the College will build Student accommodation has been in a new music block under the old the news several times this term. Holland Club! This came as a shock Despite gaining Fisher Hall in Evelyn to one or two people who had seen should be made in the case of Gardens, College administration will the plans submitted to the local religious societies. not be able to guarantee all next year's council for that site. They consisted Finally, the Union and the GERBIL intake a room in a hall or house. The of a function hall with a bar. made the headlines at the beginning situation was caused by the loss of Interesting. of March when Imperial College went Rayleigh House, a house in Lexham Imperial College Union also went on strike for a day. Over two Gardens and a large chunk of Hamlet through great changes this term. thousand IC students didn't go to Gardens residences. Rayleigh was Following a surprise restructuring of lectures on 1st March and a few even lost to provided the furnishing of the the Union management at the went to lobby their MPs about the new Evelyn Gardens hall, 54 Lexham beginning of term, a new Union Government's proposed Education Gardens was found to be Government said that they were still Manager has been head-hunted from Reform Bill. Everybody thought the overcrowded and not suitable considering bringing in student loans. ULU. The new Finance Officer also whole exercise had been a great accommodation. Hamlet was the Most students said that they had loans joined the team this term. Critics of success and it just goes to show that same. already. the new organisation have said that the Union can be a political voice Fisher Hall may have been able to It was announced that Weeks Hall the Union is becoming too introverted when it wants to be. God forbid.

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 15 And now for something completely the same

To outsiders it would seem strange The anti-nuclear elements of the candidate—but there would be After six months of that two parties which had just fought Liberal Party but clearly supported nothing to stop the Tories from a General Election on a joint platform 'assisting' the election of at least Dr intense, and often of policies and looked as if merger in Owen as it could be to their the long or short term was inevitable advantage. suicidal, could come to blows about the In the months since the last set of question of a formal link up. On the District Elections in May 1987 the negotiations, the whole the Liberal party has been Alliance has lost 23 seats. However, enthusiastic about the merger, both it has in one form or another gained Social and Liberal assemblies voted by huge margins to twenty seats and on the day the press accept the merger, and all seventeen launch was held, the new party—the Democratic Party MPs have joined the SLDP. Merger SLDP—took a seat from the has split the SDP. Three of their tiny Conservatives on Avon County has been launched. band of five MPs (not enough for Council. Indeed the true potential of their leader to lay a wreath at the the SLDP will be tested in the next Who will be the cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday) Parliamentary by-election (or possibly have decided not to join the new next May's District Elections). leader of the new party. Dr Owen and company have Relations between the SLDP and set up their own headquarters and Owenite SDP will be sorely tested. Dr party? And how have substantial financial backing. David Steel in the 1986 defence Owen is in danger of being seen as When Dr Owen suffered defeat in the debate at Eastbourne. Apart from a spoiler; by putting up candidates will it differ from SDP Ballot last year he resigned, and Paddy Ashdown there are several against SLDP candidates he could thus the unknown Robert MacLennan possibles including Alan Beith (MP wipe out any recovery. The chances the old Alliance became leader. Initially 'Bob' had for Berwick-upon-Tweed), former of an electoral pact seem minimal been against the merger; however the Liberal deputy leader Malcolm Bruce given the intransigence on both sides. parties? Andrew mood of the party changed most (MP for Gordon) and Alex Carlisle Already Dr Owen, in a BBC markedly at the Portsmouth (Montgomery). Nothing rules out ex- interview, has accused the SLDP Waller, FELIX conference last September when the SDP leader Rober MacLennan but he party of having no policies. However, merger motion (proposed by the only has taken too long to become even policy leaflets for the new party have staff reporter, other pro-merger, MP Charles vaguely known to the electorate. already been published, and all new Kennedy) was passed. Since then the members of the SLDP will receive a investigates. Owenites have largely concentrated membership pack including brief their efforts on setting up their own policy statements which largely draw party. They have always had a from the document used for the constitutional blocking vote as a % general election with commitments to majority was needed in the Governing NATO, devolution, (surprise, Council for Social Democracy. surprise) proportional representation, However, the Owenites commented increased spending on the NHS and that it would not do anyone any good education, and increased industrial to 'trap' people in the, SDP and so democracy. After the events refrained from voting at the Council surrounding the merger the general for Social Democracy. The Owenites public will be less willing to sample claim still to be the SDP. However, something new than they were in can the party be the same party as the 1981 when the SDP was formed. SDP of the last general election when Defence will be a potential stumbling the majority of members and block, as the General Election councillors have left? The question of commitment to scrapping Trident will the logo is a very contentious issue. have to be re-examined by 1991 (the It would seem reasonable to assume Legally there seems to be little to stop likely date of the next general that the new party may regain some the Owenites from continuing to use election). It will have been of the electoral support it lost during it. substantially paid for and will the bitter fighting. Since the General probably be ready to be deployed, and So what of the future of the Social Election its standing in the national there may have been a shift in East- and Liberal Democrats? At the opinion polls has halved from 25% West relations. moment the party leaderless although (June 1987) to around 12%. A MORI the timetable for the leadership poll in the Sunday Times indicated The organisation of the new party elections in which all party members that support had risen to 14% (up 2% will be based on parliamentary will vote has been brought forward on last January). A Harris Poll constituencies, nationally making up to this summer. David Steel is by far published in the Observer on the same ten regions (excluding the Party in the most popular choice. However, he day put support for the break-away Scotland and Wales which will be has indicated that he would like to see Owenites at 2%. At first sight 2% separate). This resembles the former a new leader. Paddy Ashdown (MP seems a pitiful amount for a party to Liberal Party structure. However the for Yeovil) seems the next choice. A hope to continue, however in 1951 the federal assembly which is the former member of the naval Liberal Party dipped to 2.5% yet still governing body of the party will be equivalent of the SAS, he has had six MPs. However four of these more strictly regulated. Memories of charisma and charm. He did mix with seats had no Conservative opposing the Eastbourne defence vote die hard.

16 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX ELECTION FEVER or, how to convince 5,000 students who couldn't care less that you $ ought to be working for them next year...

Most important is to convince convinced that they should have the Hustings is the time when you get 44 yourself that you actually want to do office to themselves. This isn't a chance to speak to the masses(?). the job—and not just win the election. possible, as you need it all yourself. Stunts usually aren't a good idea, Most fun are the loons, who Ability isn't important at this stage. As well as negotiating with a tired and unless you can pack the house with suggest, totally seriously, that More excitement was added this year increasingly emotional FELIX Editor, your supporters. The idea is, the whole IC Union grant should when in January the goalposts were you also have to contend with tired obviously, to rubbish your opposition be put on the 2.30 at moved at lightening speed: the and increasingly emotional FELIX and look great yourself. However, it's Newmarket. Ninety minutes later sabbatical job descriptions were equipment (it's part of the service said you can never win at a you escape, swearing at the God changed while ICU Council contract that every bit must break hustings—only lose one. Keep your of Admissions Tutors—how do collectively yawned. down at least twice in election week). head and don't, whatever you do, these people get in ? Conclusive Once you've found out what the job You also have to think of a witty show anything of your true character. proof that common sense and will be (or, in some cases, have slogan—something that will still be You'll get torn to pieces. At hustings intelligence are completely written it yourself), you're all set. witty after a week's campaigning and you are 'Mr/Ms Nice Guy' and unrelated. There then follows the crucial 'run- plastering on every available brick in nothing else. up', when the plan is to 'build your College. A silly gimmick is also The questions are OK, as long as 55 image'. There are two orthodox useful—silly haircuts or hats are a you aren't asked them first. This is methods—either the 'blanket' system: definite plus. Anything to get the because the Public Address is so loud 'my name was in FELIX fourteen electorate to remember your name. that you could probably hear the Spring—that time times last week', or the more selective You also have to get your publicity questions in the Union Building, T saved IC Union £30,000 by approved by the all-powerful elections never mind the corridor off the Great of year when right- recycling hot air' credibility. Avoid, committee. This consists of a group Hall (where you're put so that you at all costs any admission that you are of normally harmless randoms, who, can't hear the questions). Going last minded hacks of all even thinking about contemplating for two weeks, have the power of life is even better as you hear all the other writing to your Auntie telling her you and death over all the candidates. It's candidates' answers as well. This descriptions survey might be standing. This is the kiss of amazing, like putting someone behind especially helps on relevant questions death. the wheel of a car. The most innocent such as 'What is 1037 minus 649'. the sabbatical insubstantial nobody suddenly That is the other feature of hustings, The fun really starts when the becomes a power-crazed ego-maniac. the asking of completely irrelevant horizon and think papers go up on the noticeboard for They may only get this one chance at questions like this to, I'm told, 'bring the candidates. Again, there are two authority, and they're damned well out your character'. Who are they about their job next schools of thought. The first 'cocky going to use it. Pity the candidate that kidding? bastard' method is to slap your name buys a packet of drawing pins without Come election day, you're either year, and that down within thirty seconds of the final checking with them first. It's not even up, or you ain't, or you can't be drawing pin being pushed in, then get enough, sometimes, to get one of bothered anymore anyway. One means—Elections. your proposer and twenty seconders them to agree—the others may have redeeming feature of IC elections, queueing behind you. This another view. Apparently it's not must be their complete 'blitzkrieg' technique is calculated to even enough to get them all to unpredictability. It seems the average give you a psychological advantage agree—they change their minds later voter only decides who to vote for 44 over the opposition, lesser candidates, that afternoon. As I said, they're about ten seconds after they leave the as the theory goes, scurry back to the damned well going for it. ballot box. Complete outsiders, who Watch out for the guy in Beit, woodwork. It had an added bonus this OK, so papers come down, you have all but given up, have been who doesn't answer a knock at year, as the papers were arranged so have reams of posters and handouts, known to be elected by landslides. his door, and when you pop a that only the top ones were visible, pockets full of blu-tak, and have There has never been any proof that leaflet into his room, opens the and your name was the only one concealed all your irregularities from a good campaign every got any votes, door about an inch, and throws people saw when rushing for the the authorities. All you do now is sell so you're in with a chance right up your screwed up leaflet across Norman's queue. yourself to the punters. The problem to the finish post. the corridor. The door then The other method is the 'late with this is that they're not interested. Once the big day arrives, there's slams. Obviously a quick rush'—lull the opponents into a false The average student's attention span nothing for it but to get completely reader, he has decided that it is sense of security, then rush at the on anything non-alcoholic is about ten smashed out of your brains! Being all a load of crap and takes the paper with your crowd just before the seconds—just enough time to say, sober is no good if you lose, and you appropriate action. ^ ^ papers are down. With luck and the 'Hi, I'm Margaret Thatcher, I'm can't stay sober that long if you win. right rumours, you can leave your standing in the sabbatical ele...' when It's not very clear what's worse- opponent flat-footed, with no they walk away, probably wondering winning or losing. It's great to win publicity and no campaign, after two what a sabbatical is. the election, but then you have to do weeks of thinking they wouldn't even Knocking on hall doors is fun—just the job...or you could always have an election. walk in, take no notice of the couple resign...and then there'll be another Publicity is your next headache. disentangling themselves from each election. You have to negotiate a FELIX Office another on the bed, and give them a You enjoyed it so much, you might full of sabbatical wanna-bes, all handout. Two votes in the bag. even stand again!

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 17 If you are interested, but haven't Community Action: this amount of time free, there does exist a separate programme of 'one- Your Questions off jobs. These jobs are available Who, Me? whenever you have the time (although Answered... they ask you to do at least one every three weeks). What kind of people get involved IC Community Action Group (ICCAG) offer As well as getting out of the IC 'rat in Community Action? race', you get a chance to experience Nothing could be more wrong than the chance to every student to become the real world and learn some the image of imposing sanctimonious invaluable skills into the bargain. do-gooders interfering in other involved... Contact ICCAG for more details people's lives. Everyone I have ever (while stocks last!). met doing Community Action work, Soup Run both within ICCAG and outside, has The College Soup Run, at its simplest been friendly, thoughful and aware oi level, exists to distribute soup, tea, their position. Ask them why they do sandwiches and biscuits to homeless it, and they'll think, and after a short people in London. It is much more pause, tell you that they enjoy it. than that though: it is an opportunity Community Action, and ICCAG, to see, understand and appreciate one is fun. Of course, not everybody is of the largest social problems in attracted to the idea of Community London today—homelessness—and Crisis at Christmas Playscheme Work, but those that do tend to be an opportunity to help alleviate some Every year an organisation called If you're interested in working with friendly and incredibly easy to get on of the suffering and distress of those Crisis at Christmas hires out a large 5-10 year olds, both able bodied and with. I was feeling at home with them who are homeless. hall somewhere in London, and plays handicapped, there is a fortnighly playgroup in Acton. Everything from within minutes of joining my first Not everyone who sleeps rough is host to up to 800 homeless men and baking cakes to going swimming! soup run. Part of it must be that there an alcoholic, dirty, rude old man. women for the week around is always lots to do; there is nothing Many of the poeple we meet and talk Christmas. They provide meals, like a common project to bring people simple but comfortable sleeping together. accommodation at night, new It is very difficult to write down just clothing, hair cuts, medical attention what makes Community Work what and perhaps more cheer and comfort it is; you never know what it's like than would otherwise be had by those until you've tried it. homeless people at that time of year. Crisis is a charity and depends on What can I do to get involved? volunteers to do everything, from The best way to get involved is to go setting up the hall, doing the cooking, on a soup run. This is an experience serving meals, clearing up during the Hospital Visiting in itself, and you meet the most 'open' week and cleaning up ICCAG can put you in touch with St unlikely of people sleeping rough. afterwards. It certainly makes a Pancras Hospital if you are interested Again it's something you will never difference to spend Christmas Day in hospital visiting. After a short know about unless you go; you only to are well educated, once had good serving dinner to 800 instead of the interview at the Hospital, you can need to go once and, believe me, it's jobs, homes and families but, for a usual family get-togethers at home— . spend as much or as little time as you a real surprise. Be prepared, variety of reasons, ended up on the and the conversation tends to more like visiting patients without relatives however, to discover as much about streets. The reasons are as numerous varied and interesting. of their own. your own attitudes as those of the as the people: nervous breakdowns, people you meet. divorces, unemployment in their The 'open' is not the only activity original homes and their drift to carried out by the charity Crisis. Travelling Funds Throughout the year they hold ICCAG are sometimes able to assist What do I get out of it? London to find work,' young people fundraising events like sponsored with funds towards travelling for Some of the community action turning away from home... walks and they also support work in students wishing to pursue schemes involve training; so you may Once on the streets, it is nearly hostels for the homeless, and for Community Action work on their own acquire a new skill or two, but most impossible to get off them. Council rehabilitation. Open Christmasses do initiative over the summer vacation. just get involved for the sake of it. It's housing is rare; it's difficult to get a not only happen just in London but Recently, they provided funds difficult to explain to someone who job without a permanent address; it's also in most of the other large cities enabling someone to travel to has never been involved just what it difficult to get togther enough money in Britain, so you don't have to be in Northern Ireland to help look after is like, and what makes you keep to put a deposit on a private flat; London over Christmas to be handicapped children and give them coming back to it. What you get out landlords are reluctant to rent to involved. holidays out of the cities. Only limited depends, I suppose, on what you put people who look like they have been funds are available, however. in. sleeping rough. The College soup run is not a large Jobsquad Does it take much time? commitment. It certainly doesn't Jobsquad is run by Kensington Town ICCAG is one of the few things you mean coming along every week. Just Hall for the local community, which, can be involved in as little, or as come along once, to see a side of believe it or not, does exist outside Contacts much, as you like. You can just take London that most people would rather Imperial, and ICCAG can put you in Either pop a note in the IC Union one evening out to go on the Soup ignore, but which certainly isn't going touch with the relevant people. Office, or contact: Liz Warren (Chem Run, or commit yourself to work to go away. If you're interested in teaching, Eng 2), Alistair Goodall (DoC 1), every week for a year. The time you counselling, prison visting or similar, Kate Cox (DoC 1), or Margaret Poole put in is up to you. Rag Fete there are about 20 schemes you can (Physics 2). ICCAG organises the hamburger/hot- take part in. Essential training is Alternatively, just turn up for the Soup Run, which starts in Weeks Hall Any more questions? dog stall on the Queen's Lawn and all provided free, so you aren't thrown in the deep end, but you need to be Basement at 9.15pm tomorrow and Get in contact with any ICCAG proceeds go to Rag. Helpers are able to offer a regular commitment every Thursday, including over the member, or come along to one of the needed beforehand to organise, help (often once a week) for at least a year. Easter break. meetings... and generally be about.

FELIX 18 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 Skeletons in the closet

Tracing your family Have you ever wondered who your ancestors were and what they did? It lM2ii tree can be a is possible to find out a great deal of ) COP* i;! i . l-NISY O. !T:... sTi] information, and it is an interesting insight into the recent past. Starting rewarding pastime from scratch can be quite daunting, yet with persistence slowly but surely and can be likened the branches can be found and the roots dug up. to doing a jigsaw To start with it is best to gather as much information as you can from puzzle. So is it living relatives, and family documents (there may be a family bible, so dig worth the time and out the loft). After doing this construct the best family tree you can, small amount of information, to find Other sources of information even with just approximate dates. your ancestors. Be prepared for include copies held by the Mormons effort to check To proceed further you will need surprises—there are almost bound to which can be consulted free of charge to consult external records. There are be a few skeletons in the cupboard, in their Chapel on Exhibition Road. through pages of several sources of genealogical and you may be surprised at how The ten yearly censuses can provide information including church recently people were still unable to useful evidence and these can be records just to find registers, census returns and the sign their own names on documents. examined at your county or district public records. From July 1837 all Along the way you will meet other archives (but only for your area) or, out when Great births, marriages and deaths in people doing the same thing as you for the whole of Great Britain, at the England and Wales have been are, and often they have tips from Land Registry Building in Portugal Aunt so-and-so got registered; Scottish civil registration many years' experience. There are no Street—just round the corner from St began in 1855 and Irish in 1864. such things as hard and fast rules in Catherine's House. The staff are very Church records are usually the most this game, but beware of short cuts helpful and photocopies of the records married. easily reached as most have been and be as accurate as you can, for it held on microfilm can be obtained at deposited in your local county or is easy to get lost down a false track. 70p a time. This way approximate district archives which are usually However, eventually you may hit a ages, professions and approximate free to visit. Almost all denominations dead-end, for instance if a person places of birth can be obtained. It is are covered, although it does moved into an area from an unknown difficult to check the censuses taken complicate matters if your forebears origin. In this case it is worth after 1881 due to the 100 year rule changed church, or were married, checking the public records. The of confidentiality, although direct baptised or buried in their local English and Welsh ones are now held descendents can obtain information church or chapel. in St Catherine's House, Kingsway from the 1891 and 1901 censuses Most of the older records suffer WC2. The general public can check from St Catherine's House for a fee. from bad handwriting and horribly the indices which give approximate Other possible records worth ornate copper plate scrawls, so dates and places of events. To obtain checking out, although not as useful, patience is needed to look slowly actual copies of the certificates you are the register of (post 1858) wills through the records. This way it is have to pay (£5 if you go there, look held at Somerset House, Electoral possible, when armed with only a in the relevant index and fill out the registers (although universal sufferage form yourself; it is much more if you is only comparatively recent so only send in requests by post). Thus to a few (rich) ancestors can be found build up the family tree this way could this way), court proceedings and prove to be very expensive, hence it Hearth Tax returns. Also worth should be used more as a last resort. checking are the records of mines, or The Scottish records are held in the companies where your forebears General Register House, Princes worked. Street, Edinburgh. After a while a pattern will emerge and you will begin to pick up detective-like techniques which will increase your efficiency. It is often useful to regard each find with suspicion and ask yourself whether the person has exactly the right name, is about the right age and comes from the region you expect. There are numerous books printed about the subject and there is bound to be a local group, possibly at your local library, so it could be something to do to prevent boredom this Summer.

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 19 Graphology is still a hotly debated handwriting was taken up by a group include the identification of Handwritten topic. Many people find it hard to of French clergy. One of these men handwriting, the expression of sexual believe in—after all, writing is became the teacher of the French character in handwriting, and the signatures have produced by the movement of the abbot and novelist, Jean Hippolyte effect of illness in handwriting. hand, and it seems that all it can Michan, who is aknowledged as the Studies of graphology have not been long been accepted reveal would be skill or routine of the founder of graphology as a science. limited to Europe, or to serious hand muscles. And as most people He worked from experience and researchers. Among these English as unique to each will have noticed, one's handwriting observation, comparing the 'amateurs' who have added their can vary considerably from time to handwriting of people whose small contribution to the science, or individual. Most time—how can anything so variable characters he was familiar with and art, are the Brownings, Byron, show fundamental character traits? determining common features. His Gainsborough (the painter) and Graphologists argue that even when book, published in 1875, describes Disraeli. people can people use either hand, their toes, or almost all the signs and rules on which any other technique, their writing graphology is still based. However, recognise, and shows the same recognisable he did not attempt to explain the characteristics. reasons for the production of these eanings signs. distinguish Whatever you may feel about the There are several basic tendencies way specific letter forms are said to The theory of graphology was which are studied by graphologists: between, the be linked to specific traits, graphology refined by a group of German the size and width of writing, the form is firmly believed in by numerous academics. In 1897 a graphological and degree of connection, the handwriting of people, some companies go as far as periodical and a society for regularity and speed, the fullness and hiring a graphologist to analyse the graphological research were founded pressure, the angle of writing and any various friends and handwriting of prospective by Hans Busse. Dr Ludwig Klages, right or left tendencies. It is essential employees. Handwriting experts are a major contributor to the periodical, that if you try to analyse anybody's relations. So it is regularly called upon to determine was the first to create a complete and handwriting, you must analyse all whether signatures and handwritten systematic theory of graphology, tendencies and not just one. As with documents are genuine or forced. based on the idea that writing is a body language, no general tendency hardly surprising And there does seem to be definite conflict between mental discipline and in handwriting, and no single sign, is evidence linking the state of one's natural rhythms. By analysing by itself adequate to judge a quality that as far back as handwriting with the state of one's changeable and unchangeable in a man's character. Each tendency mind. The classic example of this is elements of handwriting, he also has many meanings. Roman-times seen in the signatures of President found a way to unravel disguised Nixon during the Watergate scandal, writing. But his efforts had their people have tried to which gradually became more and faults—for one thing his prejudices more like a straight line as the crisis about character left their stamp on his Size & Width worsened. theories, and he tended to look down deduce personality As happens even in more on the empirical work of French (important to any man) established sciences, there are as graphologists so that the study became The size of a person's writing is often from the many theories in graphology as there based purely on theory. an indicator as to how much space a are practitioners. Scanning through It was left to two other men to fill person is satisfied with. Large appearance of the various books written about the the main gaps in Klages' theory. handwriting is taken to mean that the subject shows that though many basic Robert Saudek, originally from writer needs more space in his life; handwriting. ideas are common to them all, the Czechoslovakia, specialised in the small means that the writer can satisfy details vary. To complicate matters effects of the various national styles himself in the space available to him: further, the same characteristics have of handwriting. He was particularly Large:- objectivity, ambition, self- different meanings depending on what concerned with the study of English confidence, enthusiasm, leadership, other features the writing shows. A handwriting and one of the most desire to lead a good life, lack of deteriorating signature, for example, important factors, speed. This may show increasing stress, or simply allowed for the first time all the that the person has had to sign his/her European graphological work to be name so often that he/she has become applied in England. The second increasingly casual about it. important idea, the link between The first book dealing with the graphology and modern views on the relationship between handwriting and psychology of the unconscious, was the character of the writer was first worked on by Max Pulver, of published by a Halion Professor of Switzerland. He emphasised the Theoretic Medicine, Cavillo Baldi, in problem of what the writing space modesty, lack of tact, megalomania, 1622. From this time the number of symbolises in the writer's mind. lack of accuracy, tendency to be a treatises about the subject increased Besides the general study of poseur. steadily, until in the early nineteenth writing, several more specialised Small:- inferiority complexes, century the systematic study of fields have been investigated. These obedience, accuracy, reliability,

20 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX intentional understatement, realism, openly friendly, kind, soft. intolerance, hypochondria and Arcade connection:- diplomatic, melancholy. s, Exaggerated uplengths indicate a Quick writing is a sign of a person tendency towards the intellectual and who is spontaneous, objective and spiritual spheres, ideals and illusions. pertinent. Slow writing is calculated writing. Upright:- independence, cool, calm. calm, calculated, hypocrite. Wavy connection:- intelligent.

Quick:- intelligence, enthusiasm, Exaggerated underlengths % neglect of details. symbolise realism, the qualities of an organiser. Slanting to the right:- extraversion, social, excitable, passionate, Degenerating connections that successful. make the word look like a single thread and partially illegible is the Slow:- artistic, aesthetic, poseur, main sign of hysteria. laziness. The degree of a person's The underlengths also reveal the handwriting is very difficult to writer's attitude to his unconscious change. Connected handwriting impulses and sexual life. Sexual shows that the writer is logical and tendencies in handwriting are a study Fullness is achieved by the arcs, Slanting to the left:- introversion, in themselves; the precision with slopes and circles that cover a persons isolation, forced, affected. which all the varieties of sexual handwriting. Full writing means The person who writes to the right inclination and perversities are is capable of strong sentiments such sometimes mirrored in handwriting is as love, hate and self-sacrifice. Any really astonishing. exaggeration towards the right is a Broad handwriting originates from not easily distracted. If the connection sign of giving. Any exaggeration an unrestricted movement of the hand continues through the whole sentence towards the left is a sign of retiring whereas narrow writing is an it shows an excessive desire for or commonsense. obviously restricted sign. relationships which are remote. Broad:- lack of restriction, likes Disconnected writing shows that the imagination, vision and a creative travel, spends lavishly on himself, writer has many different ideas. This mind. Lean writing discloses abstract What to Look for style can be found in the writing of thinking, lack of imagination and Vitality:- quick writing, strong people of unusual imagination and soberness. pressure, large and rhythmic writing. Bad health:- weak writing, small writing, breaks or trembling features. Pressur. e Energy and willpower:- Regular writing, those of vitality: Artistic:- pasty writing, full writing. speaks about himself and doesn't Imagination:- full writing. really care whether his audience is intuitive genius. If you find both Suicidal tendencies:- Crossing out interested or not, self-assured, frequent and large intervals inside one's signature with a final stroke indiscrete, vain, very social. words this is a sign of serious placed to the extreme left. Narrow:- inhibited, economical, overstrain of the mind. Strong:- energy and vitality, Megalomania:- over-large hand- pessimist. writing. Intelligence:- good layout, clear Regularity spacing, simplification, quick writing. Regular handwriting is a sign of a Self-confidence:- large, broad, quick regular mind. If regularity is just a writing. version of copy book writing then it Egotistic:- left tendencies, very large, Slight:-weak or skilled. very broad. mean and distrustful, narrow-minded, Sexual tendencies:- Exaggeration of shy. underlengths.

vv' Iff vnyonu watch someone stand up This has been a very brief look at Form & Degree of Connection straight, you know that he is an the basic tendencies in people's Angular connection:- prefers firmness indicates a lack of vitality, personality independent individual. If he leans handwriting. Treat the 'facts' with a and imagination. pinch of salt as it's all meant to be just Irregular writing shows many-sided a bit of fun anyway. The only time this will ever be of use to you is when you are asked to fill in a job application in your own handwriting—because there's forward, he seems to be longing for certainly some well-paid graphologist to compromise, persistent, sulky, other people. If he leans backwards, just dying to tell your possible cruel, reliable. interests, excitability, nervousness, he seems to be afraid of people. So employer how lazy/intelligent/ Rounded connection:- amiable, lack of steadiness. it is with that person's handwriting: sexually aware you are!

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 21 FELI All these words are hidden somewhere in this grid. Entries to the FELIX Office by April 27th marked 'Wordsearch'. N O T G N 1 S N E K Q C Prizes include FELIX ultra- trendy T-shirt! R C M A R Y S N E E U Q

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HARBOUR MARYS H U X L E Y E S E T 1 C BRIDGE REGGIE IM B E D L L R D 1 A O O ERIC NORM ASH BOAT E O R E M C 1 O T S N N SOUTHSIDE CLUB HAMLET TEST 1 A R A N S C X U H B S GARDENS EXAM BEIT RCS G T H M H A R B O U R O HUXLEY RCM LYON LEARN G D T T P L A Y F A 1 R PLAYFAIR KQC QUEENS TAIT E A U S S Y D N E Y D T TOWER SET PRINCE KENT R 0 O E C N 1 R P A G E CONSORT TON ROAD TEN S R s T R T O W E R E N SOUTH PAGE

KENSINGTON

play. There was no cohesion whatsoever. The That is not to say that there were Mini-Quiz A peculiar no acceptable performances from the cast. Vanessa Dodge, in particular, lit up the stage whenever she appeared, Physicists 1. Which hall of residence got into hot puzzle as did Steve Grabowski, though it was water about its clearout sale this term? his chest and not his acting ability 2. What name is the President of which had me transfixed. —a review Imperial College now known as? When my girlfriend and I went to an Newton and Einstein made a 3. Who is next year's President going extraordinarily dull dinner party last passable double act, especially to be? week, we found ourselves in the towards the end when they decided to 4. What is the name of the latest house company of four other couples. As ham it up. to be added to the Evelyn Gardens not everyone knew everyone else, we Alex Snelling, who played the lead residences? were obliged to start the evening with part of Mobius, kept it straight right 5. What percentage rise did Kenneth the formal ritual of introductions to the end. His performance suggested si > -' Baker announce grants would go up which I'm sure you're familiar with. that he could certainly act, but needed by in January? a straight play to do it properly. 'Do you know so-and-so?' 6. Whose favourite TV programme 'How do you do?' I am not surprised that the director is 'Rainbow'? 'Pleased to meet you.' changed his name in the programme. 7. Who called 'Quorum' in the middle and so forth, accompanied by much Walter Eaves singularly failed to do of election for next year's UGM shaking of hands and false smiles and any kind of justice to this play. He Chairman? offers of sherry. messed about the script, failed to 8. Why was this a very stupid thing impose any single interpretation of the There was then an embarrassing lull IC Union Ccriert Haltf > to do? Trifle tt**sert* .caA SV.f * play on the cast and so did both the followed by everyone trying to make 9. Where is the College's new Kebab ,,;„£! lS-lb- i r -I? cast, and more crucially the audience, conversation at once: House going to be situated? a disservice. 'What do you do for a living?' 10. How much does a pint of Sunny Bains 'Isn't the weather dreadful?' The DramSoc production of The Carlsberg cost in the Union Bar? 'Who do you know here?' Physicists by Friedrich Diirrenmatt 11. Who wanted to build a Ad nauseam. It was this last was not just disappointing but also SOCIAL COLOURS greenhouse in Linstead? question which interested me, though, embarrassing. Having seen many Nominations for ICU Social 12. Who was no confidenced and then as I discovered that, on previous student productions in my time, Colours will be accepted re-elected for the same post this term? occasions, each of the others had met including past DramSoc productions, before Friday 29th April. 13. Why is the Union going to the a different number of those present. dogs? I can think of few which were so Please write on one side of Which left me the rest of the 14. Why is the Union going to Kelso? evening to work out how many new lacking in direction and consistent the paper only and hand it in interpretation of the text. One minute 15. Answers on a postcard to the acquaintances my girlfriend made that to Chas Jackson. we were watching a farce, the next FELIX Office by the beginning of evening. How many? a black comedy, the next a straight next term. Winner gets a sweatshirt! Scaramouche

22 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX your average, or not so, two-up, two- down), which will in turn tie up most of the world's construction trade for most of the next two or so major civilisations. The following industries will also be major beneficiaries of the offer: Who needs a budget?a) The chemical s industry. They will have to supply the inks and dyes to print the notes. This should result A government somewhere has been of £10 million, excluding VAT, in (i) this industry in this random Andrew Daglish, radical, even revolutionary, but it lost postage and packing), I am offering country becoming the biggest in the power because it was not easy terms. world (ii) lonely housewives/ Chunderer of the revolutionary enough and, trying to For a deposit of just £5 they (Joe husbands getting their daily quotas prevent the completion of the and Josephine that is, not necessarily from inkmen. Chesschequer, revolution, was crushed beneath the the socialist parties) will receive their b) Forestry and the white paper overwhelming forces it had new toy. The difference is payable on recycling industry. The latter on its outlines his plans unleashed. This fate is about to befall commencement of printing. What own has shown its inability to cope another government somewhere else. could be fairer? with such demand following its lack In order to spare the populace the "How will this effect the immediate of success in achieving greater than for the instant revolting task of having to scrape so recovery of the (or indeed any) 150% yields on full scale operations. much politician jelly from beneath the economy?" I hear you cry (I've got Hence we're going to have to plant revival of the wheel of progress I now present my very good hearing). lots more trees! Unfortunately, we're economic masterpiece. I think there are about 56 million also going to have to cut them all empire and In essence it is quite simple. I will people in a certain country. down again. Ah, well, you win some, introduce social ownership to the Admittedly, I haven't met them all, you lose some. economy. Royal Mint. This privatisation will be so I can't swear by this figure (well c) The power supply. Depending on open to every man, woman and child I could, but it would be asterisked out) where the recipients live, these will in the country, and one or two of the but as a lot of other people whom I be the coal board, the CEGB, British more upwardly mobile cats and dogs have met also believe there are that Gas, BNF, SHE, your local whippet (puppies) too. Companies, institutions many people in a country then I am breeder or Hot Air Corp Inc (for and anyone or anything else will not, going to publish and be ******, residents in the vicinity of the seat of repeat not, as in categorically banned, although we could be talking about a government only). This offer will be able to take advantage of this once- different countries. provide unparallelled opportunities in-a-lifetime offer. Not unless they So, having arrived at the for research, development and sheer offer me something I want (are you conclusion, though not having exploitation of the customer in these listening, Aston Martin? A flame-red rigorously proved it, that there are 56 industries. Vantage Volante with tan hide million people in a country and also However, these will not be the only upholstery would do nicely, thank that most of them, -say about 560 lucky winners. Just think of all the fun you). Money will not be something million, are going to want to take truck manufacturers will have as I want, as you will come to see. advantage of the offer, this means that people move away from mere wallets! Why should this be so there is going to be one heck of a And what about safe-makers (and advantageous to Mr and Mrs Joe and demand for these super-duper printing breakers) and bodyguard (and assault- Josephine Public? What do they get presses. troop) agencies? The possibilities are for their money? And how much will Not only that, but these have to be endless. that be? delivered, requiring rather more So much for economics, although As I have said, it is quite simple. articulated lorries than currendy exist these will sneak into the next section For the price of a printing press, plus on an utterly insignificant little blue- just a teeny-weeny whacking great VAT, postage and packing, they will green planet orbiting a small yellow bit. Having appealed to and satisfied receive a printing press, instructions sun in the uncharted backwaters of the the socialist-capitalist in you all (I'm for use, plus plates of all current Bank Galaxy at a distance of roughly one **** of a guy, and modest with of England notes. And before socialist ninety-two million miles (or more it), and having in the process, created parties of the world start trying to accurately, 92.6 million). (Thank a uniformly rich and class-free verbally castrate me because Joe and you, Douglas). society, I now wish to appeal to the Josephine don't have the ready cash Further, all 5600 million of them patriotism of you random dwellers in for a brand spanking (listening, (allowing for multiple applications a country somewhere. Sydney?) new, all singing, all dancing which will not be turned down) have I wish, nay, want to create the printing press (currently in the order to be installed, which will of course greatest empire in history as I account for the working lives of (admittedly slightly biasedly) know it. everyone/thing (not wishing to be But unlike previous emperors I do not speciesist) qualified to do so, and want the lives of your sons and many of those who are not, for rather daughters. I just want some (and not a lot of generations to come, a lot at that) of your new-found especially if they get themselves wealth. organised into a union and work to You see, it all gets down to other rule. countries' money-supply. Basically, In addition, the roads to convey the we under-cut them. We can supply vehicles at a sufficiently rapid rate them with money cheaper than have to be constructed, as do anyone else, on condition that they buildings in which to install the only use ours. Of course we can then presses (it should be pointed out that flood their economies and destabilize these things cannot be shoved in the their governments and Bingo! one wash house/utility room, or even in world-wide empire.

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 23 Gigs to look out for over Easter? What's On Newsbreak ..6.00pm. Well, from the harmless world of STOIC. pop, Simply Red are playing Wembley Arena until Friday, T'pau Judo 6.30pm. Union Gym. Sorry-no more fill Hammersmith Odeon from March WEDNESDAY beginners. 31 to April 2, and Lloyd Cole and the Commotions do the same to Wembley Ski Club AGM 12.30pm. Film 7.00pm. Arena on April 17. Rockheads should Come and stand for next year's Exec. Mech Eng 220. Woody Allen's Meet outside Southside 'Hannah and Her Sisters'. 50p to have a good time if they have the members, £1 to non-members. money, with Magnum on Friday and S.L.A.G.S. Meeting 12.30pm. Saturday at Hammy Odeon, and Society for Lesbian and Gay Students ULU Lesbian Gay Group....7.30pm. meets in the Green Committee Room ULU Building, Malet Street (Russell Wembley being ripped apart by Alice (top floor Union Building). Come along Sq. tube). For speakers and booze Cooper on April 7, Def Leppard on for a chat if you don't mind people and if you're feeling adventurous a April 11 and 12, AC/DC on April 13 thinking you're going to a Wargames trip out to nightclub or pub and Frank Zappa on April 18 and 19. Society meeting! afterwards. Yet more from Hammy Odeon with Golf Meeting I.OOpm. ICCAG Soup Run 9.15pm. Hawkwind on April 21 and 22. Sudbury. Regular weekly meeting. Weeks Basement Hall. Contact Liz Albums to seek and buy: Out last Warren (Chem Eng 2). Caving Club Meeting 1.00pm. week is the first solo offering from Union Snack Bar. Morrissey, 'Viva Hate', which isn't too far removed from a certain band Wargames Meeting I.OOpm. The demise of Bauhaus and The Senior Common Room. Sisters of Mercy all those years ago named after Patty Smith, though some left the serious aspect of the darker say with added sparkle. The second Beginners Rock n Roll 2.15m. side of rock without a champion. The album from James, the jangly folk Union Dining Hall. 80p. See Dance indie affair who have been alikened Club. Cult briefly filled the gap, but when Ian Astbury's worse heavy metal to The Smiths but actually sound Shotokan Karate 3.00pm. infatuations took over, disillusioned nothing like them (must have Southside Gym. Beginners welcome. fans turned to the half of the Sisters something to do with being from £1. which had become The Mission, who Manchester and on Rough Trade), but Offbeat Practice 3.15pm. continue to ride on this wave with no Morrissey loves them and what Union Dining Hall. 80p. See Dance major challengers (Gene loves who?). greater recommendation can I offer? Club. They play the Astoria until Sunday, Number three from That Petrol ICSO Rehearsal 7.00pm. so make the most of the fact that this Emotion, Irish rockers whose every Great Hall. First rehearsal for next venue is small (and cheap) enough for new piece of material sounds term's concert. you to fully appreciate the music. The excitingly fresh, should be on the ULU Meditation Group 7.00pm. latest challenger to the crown of the shelves in the coming weeks. And a Room 3A, University of London gothic world is one-time holder of that must for all music lovers must be the Union, Malet Street. Traditional FRIDAY crown, Peter Murphy, ex-Bauhaus long awaited Primitives album—was breathing meditation. Everyone it really only a year ago that they were welcome. No charge. head vampire who launches his solo Mary Chain-esque psychedelic Rayleigh Residents Move all day career at the Sadler's Wells on Riding Club 7.30pm. Queensbury Place, Evelyn Gardens Sunday. thrash? Brown Committee Room (Union and Linstead Hall. Building). Polo—talk and video plus buffet. Free to members. Rag Meeting 12.35pm. Every second Friday. Union Lounge. All Welcome. THURSDAY Circuit Training 12.30pm. Union Gym with Cross Country and ICYHA Meeting 12.30pm. Athletics Club. Everyone welcome. Southside Upper Lounge. Free. Socialist Society Meeting 12.45pm. Orienteering 12.30pm. Brown Committee Room. All Brown/Green Committee Room (top welcome. Contact Adrian Grainger floor of Union Building). (Maths 3). Arrangements for following Sunday's Ski Club 12.45pm. event. Above Southside Bar. Sign up for Islamic Prayer 1.00pm. lessons, racing team. The Union Building. See Islamic Newsbreak 1.00pm. Society. STOIC. IC's own news programme. Christian Union 6.00pm. SFSOC Libary Meeting I.OOpm. OHC 308 Computing. Social evening. Green Committee Room, Union All welcome. Follow directions from Building. Borrow books from our vast Physics Foyer. library, help plan future events. Into the Night 7.00pm. Members only. STOIC. Films, videos, chat, Arabic Classes 1.30pm. 'Countdown'. On all the televisions in Prayer Room. See Islamic Society. the Halls of Residence. Gliding Club Meeting 5.30pm. Aero 254. Arrange trial flights, lifts to Lasham, talks and then to the bar. SATURDAY Orienteering Training ..5.30pm. Rayleigh Residents Move all day Union Gym. Social meeting held from Queensbury Place, Evelyn Gardens 6.30pm onwards. and Linstead Hall.

24 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX FELIX immmsmiismiimmims:

most potentially exciting year for a accident, spearheads the atmospheric The Easter holiday sees the start of long time. attack in his Cannon-Williams-Judd. the two major European The most important rule changes The Judd is a new V8 by John Judd's championships. are the second phase of the plans to engine development concern in F3000 International is the training reduce the power of the turbo-charged Northampton, and will also be used ground for future Formula One engines before they are banned totally by the March and Ligier teams. drivers, with single seater Grand in 1989. The turbos will be restricted Ferrari ended last season on a high Prix-like cars with three litre engines. to a boost pressure of 2.5 bar and a with back-to-back wins in Japan and Hopes for a British champion are fuel allowance of 150 litres per race. Australia. They retain the strong realistic with Russell Spence in a World champion Nelson Piquet driver pairing of Gerhard Berger and works Rait, Mark Blundell in a works leaves Cannon-Williams for Camel- Michele Alboreto, and also V6 turbo Lola, Gary Evans and Andy Wallace Lotus but retains Honda Turbo engines. The new chassis will, in GEM Raits and Johnny Herbert in power. His team-mate will be the however, be the first Ferrari designed an EJR Reynard. The first round is Japanese driver Satoru Nakajima, by an Englishman John Barnard from at Jerez in Spain on April 17th and who should again carry the miniature his R & D base in Guildford. the series will visit three British The 1988 Grand Prix kicks off on TV camera that gives such stunning The strongest driver line up of all circuits (Silverstone, Brands Hatch Easter Sunday (April 3) with Round pictures, particularly when Naka must be at Marlboro McLaren where and Birmingham) during the summer. One of the Formula One World drives into the back of other cars! twice world champion Alain Prost The European Touring Car Championships, the Brazilian Grand Nigel Mansell, now fully recovered (who has won more Grand Prix (28) Championship (ETC) starts at Monza, Prix at Rio de Janeiro. from his Japanese GP practice than any other driver) is joined by Italy this Sunday (27th) with round New drivers, new teams, new Brazilian Ayrton Senna. Having two at Donington Park (on the A453 engines and new rules make this the another superstar as a team-mate has near East Midlands Airport) on April never bothered Prost and I confidently 17th. This is saloon car racing at its expect him to consistently outrace best and is well worth a visit, Senna. particularly if you've never watched The only other possible winners motor racing before. The cars look that I can see are the Benettons, like road cars, the crowds aren't beautifully painted in the bright claustrophobic like a Grand Prix and colours of the Italian knitwear Donington is a beautiful circuit. manufacturer's garments. In Thierry Expect the pacesetters to be the works Boutsen they have one of the most Texaco Ford Sierra Cosworths of the experienced but unlucky drivers Eggenberger team and the works around. The second half of last season BMW M3's of the Schnitzer and showed that given mechanical Linder teams. Also worth watching reliability Thierry should win races is the Bigazzi BMW M3 of former and this year I expect him to break Grand Prix driver Jacques Laffite and his duck. His team-mate is the Prime Minister's son Mark Thatcher. talented but underrated Italian The main rally of the holiday is the Alessandro Nannini. After two years Rothman's Circuit of Ireland, round with the small Minardi team Sandro two of the Shell Oil RAC Open has rightly earned a seat with a top Championship. After the surprise win team. by Penti Airikkala on the Cartel The Rio circuit is a flat, 3.1 mile International, the Ford Sierra collection of medium speed corners Cosworths should win this all tarmac with a long back straight. event. Favourite is Jimmy McRae Temperatures will be extremely high with Phil Collins an outside bet to and most teams should be making score his first international win in his mid-race pit stops for new tyres. disgusting pink car. Predictions—Ferrari have been If you see any motorsport on TV setting the pace in pre-season testing and think that you'd like to try it, then so I'll go for a Gerhard Berger hat- don't go and be a loony on the roads trick with Thierry Boutsen the best but come and see the City & Guilds placed of the atmospherics. College Motor Club (open to all IC Highlights will be on BBC TV's students) about our programme of Grand Prix programme in the rallies, circuit trips, racing schools evening. Check press for exact time. and skidpan visits.

correspondent. I stuck all my money roar when their selections romped on a pig—a bloody three-legged pig. home. Playschool lost the Gold Cup. He I witnessed a lot of money changing didn't just lose it—he was obliterated. hands, particularly in the fifth race. Having told everyone in the College, Cats Eyes was heavily backed at the from the Rector right down to the course, I saw several hundreds being very lowest form of life (FELIX handed over to trackside bookies. Editor) to back Playschool, I now They must have breathed a heavy sigh realise that I couldn't pick my nose, of relief when it was narrowly beaten never mind a winner. by a length or so. I attended the Cheltenham Festival Having advised everyone wrongly last Tuesday. There was a heavy Irish I am now going into hiding. This has been one of my saddest contingent present noticeably in the Paul Shanley, weeks in my time as FELIX racing Guinness tent. They gave a mighty Brazil.

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 25 I am writing this nearly two weeks in advance of the games due to FELIX deadlines, so I can't refer to last week's games as usual. All games are on Saturday March 26 with 3pm kick offs.

Charlton vs Oxford Selhurst Park (Selhurst BR) This is a real Division One relegation battle with points absolutely vital to both sides at this stage of the season. Charlton have shown a slight revival in recent weeks, hitting West Ham and Sheffield Wednesday for three. Garth Crooks has been knocking in the goals for the Reds and with the return to the Valley an almost certainty, tilings could still change for the With the US Masters fast approaching better. (April 7-10) it's about time there was Oxford lost a something other than donkeys in recent Littlewoods that he never takes over the England FELIX. Cup semi-final to job) hasn't really done much with Players in form at the moment Luton and must Spurs only in mid-table. A recent include such new names as Jay Haas now concentrate on home defeat by Norwich only and Steve Jones, as well as the old survival. To add to emphasised their problems, not to favourites Sandy Lyle and Seve their trouble mention a 4-0 thrashing in a friendly Ballesteros. Seve, who had a dismal Maurice Evans has against Monaco. Forest have made it season last year, started "Ms with a resigned as to the FA Cup semi-final for Clough manager. Their (like I predicted young man...) with chorus of 'Yellow' his son Nigel proving a real chip off seems forlorn. This the old block. They have a good Augusta will be a close one young side with a strong eye for the but I think that the future. Brian still thinks they can win home team will the league, who dares to argue? I sneak it by the odd think that they will win this one to Preview one in three. complete a North London double.

Brentford vs Brighton Griffin Park (Brentford Central) A third division game between two bang in the Spanish PGA, where he sides on the fringes of the promotion broke the course record, and this must Chelsea vs Southampton race should draw a decent crowd. The count for something in Augusta. He Stamford Bridge (Fulham Bdy tube) visitors, once a proud Division One is quoted as being a joint favourite The home team really do need the team only five years ago, are with Greg Norman, whom I believe points from this one since, at the time beginning the long haul back from to be grossly overrated. of printing, they have had no victories obscurity. Their star striker is Gary The main danger for all the top since October 31 (I seem to have said Nelson. He was bought for just players, the man I believe will win, this a few times since then!). Kerry £75,000 from Plymouth last summer is Ian Woosnam. He burst onto the Dixon seems set to stay at the Bridge and has nearly thirty goals to his name scene in a big way last year, earning despite his wishes to move to already this season. Argyl tried to buy more than £1 million, and was Highbury and Pat Nevin's name has him back recently, what a bunch of inspirational during the Ryder Cup. also been mentioned in transfer talk. jokers! This game also has a draw It was his play during that competition Southampton are in mid-table but still written all over it. in Muirfield Village, Ohio that makes need a few more points to secure their him such a good hope, managing to place in the top flight next season. Leyton Orient vs Swansea find the greens accurately and Danny Wallace has shown some good Brisbane Road (Leyton tube) cheaply, and holding them superbly. form this season but they are not Orient are still in the promotion race Other candidates are Nick Faldo, really a very strong force. This looks and must win this to keep up with the Open champion, whose American like a bland draw but the team with high flyers Wolves and Cardiff. form is poor but prone to moments a twinkle of initiative could steal Swansea were taken from the fourth of brilliance and Bernhard Langer, it...hopefully. to the first by John Toshack and even who won in 1985. Tom Watson and got into the UEFA Cup, but he has Mark McNulty must also be hopeful Tottenham vs Nottingham Forest gone to Real Sociadad in Spain and of continuing success. I'm confident White Hart Lane (Seven Sisters tube)th e Welsh team have fallen to whence that 1988 will produce European Venables' men take on Cloughie's they came. They almost went out of winners to both the Masters and the younger men. Since taking over at existance last year and times are hard US Open, the competition is so hot White Hart Lane, Venables (I hope indeed. I expect the O's to take the that it'll be worth staying up all night points. watching it live on BBC1 on the Friday and Saturday nights. Game of the day: Spurs vs Forest.

26 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX songs. condemnation of a very articulate Morrissey's view of England today figure. reflects a country where people For those interested an excellent hopelessly yearn for qualities they can fanzine, Smiths Indeed is available THE A mMSILL never possess, and those who have from Mark Taylor, 132 Sylvia success are used then forgotten. Avenue, Knowle, Bristol, BS3 5BZ Waiting for Godot Margaret on the Guillotine illustrates for 70p and a s.a.e. (National Theatre) Morrisey-'Vive Hate' who he considers responsible and Samual Beckett's Waiting for Godot Morrissey has joined with producer what their fate should be. was written in 1949 but not seen in Stephen Street, who also wrote the A wistful elegance pervades this The Fall Britain until six years later. In the music, for his first non-Smiths album. whole record being most evident in the FRENZ Experiment subsequent years many different Stephen Street will inevitably be Late Night, Maudlin Street and Every The Fall are probably the only band interpretations of the play have been compared to Johnny Marr, and Day is Like Sunday. This could be who could get away with releasing suggested: waiting for the second unfavourably by many. I think that the considered a catalogue of whingeing this record with its dead Northern coming of Christ; the futility of life; music has a quality very similar to from the the master of despair himself vocals and rambling guitar/keyboard occupied France in the Second World that expressed in the words of the but I feel that would just be a blind backing. However in a world of Rick War, to name but a few, it is, Astleys and Tiffanys with their sterile, however, without doubt an mushy, overproduced crap the Fall astounding piece of Absurdist drama. are monumental. Mark E Smith's Michael Rudman's production at humour runs riot with tracks like the National builds wonderfully upon Frenz, Oswald Defence Lawyer, and the relationship of Vladimir and Guest Informant. If you hate the fall Estragon, the two tramps that just this record isn't for you; 'The wait. We see Vladimir (Alex miserable Scottish hotel resembled a McCowen) portrayed as a mildly 1970s Marillion or Genesis LP cover' eccentric, wayward relation, who is is a line that will probably make your optimistic, confident and certainly blood boil and cause you to rave about lovable. He twists and plays with the their lack of skill (instrumentally and conversation to pass the time, often vocally). oblivious as to whether his scared and But if you count your friends on the pitiful companion, Estragon, is fingers of one hand buy this record joining in. John Alderton's Estragon and increase your frenz. is a disabilitatingly nervous crack-pot, who's life has been narrowed down to here and to now. He has no knowledge of what he did yesterday or the day before, except that he was beaten again, but at times he just The Green Man ML floats—a peaceful and happy escape by Kingsley Amis The Rhythm Sisters are two identical from reality. JOOKLTh e Green Man is a pub, and Maurice looking sisters from Leeds. They sing As this relationship grows we see Allington is the publican. He is an in harmony over a single acoustic the angst between these two unequal alcoholic with a beautiful young wife guitar which has the disadvantage that characters living in their shared The Enigma of Arrival and a stunning young mistress. He is all their songs sound very similar. environment. Estragon's glee at any by V S Naipal (Penguin £3.95) also haunted by the spirit of Dr Overall the effect was just grating and and all manifestation of Vladimir's V S Naipal is an Indian, born in Thomas Underhill who died in the monotonous. An album Road to incontinence, his desperate need of Trinidad, who came to England seventeenth century. Roundbay Pier is available. something with which to fill his days during the fifties. In The Enigma of I started reading The Green Man Next on stage were the James and his double-sided faith in Vladimir Arrival he compares to his thinking I would definitely not enjoy Taylor Quartet, looking at these four to provide this. We find ourselves development as a writer with the it: I normally prefer realistic subjects men you could be excused for laughing with these tramps, enjoying changing aspects of England. Naipal and I do not believe in ghosts. wondering what the fuss was about. the rhetoric, but the arrival of Pozzo can take the most ordinary and However I was not prepared for They play instrumental tunes from and his servant, Lucky, over the everyday happenings and relate them Kingsley Amis' uncanny knack for 60s film/TV series such as 'Mission delightful rough hemp set, causes the to his journey from birthplace to writing. His control of the English Impossible' and 'Blowup', which step to falter. adopted country. This book is language makes the character of conjures up a really frenetic Pozzo (Terence Rigby) is loud, described as an important and Maurice Allington a very true one, atmosphere. They headline at the brash (a little to so, in my opinion) powerful novel by one of the greatest one that the reader can believe in and Town & Country Club on March 26, and sure of himself (with more than novelists of our time. find very funny. This means there is and I can't think of a better reason to a passing resemblance to the no surprise when he casually comes part with five pounds. National's Sir Peter Hall), whereas across a ghost or two wandering Voice of the Beehive are just frills Lucky is a tired old servant, who around the pub. It is also very and whirling dresses, try to touch doesn't speak and moves in the The difference between absurd frightening. The fear arises as the them and you find nothing there. minimalistic fashion. The change drama and absurdist drama obviously other characters react to the alcoholic They play a mix of 50s-80s Rock and when he enters into his speech, is makes or breaks the production and who is convinced he has seen a ghost Rock of the same brand as the B-52s sudden and sharp. Peter Wight's Michael Rudman has been very as normal: cut back on the whisky; and the Bangles. portrayal of Lucky's speech is careful to keep on the right side of the but we know it's not the drink, we This was a good performance for unusually slow with pauses that could line (most of the time). He succeeds know it really is a ghost, just that no the fans and I did quite enjoy it, almost be mistaken for thoughtful! mainly because of two such strong one will believe it is. except for the inane introductions they Unfortunately the repetitive nature of performances by Messrs Alderton and Kingsley Amis keeps up an feel we need to appreciate their songs. the interuptions by Vladimir and McCowen, both of whom excel in excellent balance for fear and humour A final niggle, this gig finished at Estragon (all given too much time) their roles and also because Waiting throughout the book, making The 10.30pm which I found ludicrously produces an absurd, rather than for Godot is such a superb play. Green Man a very fine novel indeed. early. 'absurdist' piece of drama. Aidan Kershaw. Thomas R M Greig. F.A.B.

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 27 Revi

De Vito plays Owen Lift, a man as pleasing if not side-splitting, comedy, Baby Boom emotionally stunted as he is in which he shows some nice touches Baby Boom is the kind of film you physically, since he is still looking and a steady hand. The film, however expect to hate and are embarrassed to FILM,afte r his witch of a mother (a is not quite consistently funny in order admit that you actually enjoyed. It is terrifying performance from Anne to keep the momentum going. The the first of a clutch of films about Ramsey). The gargoyle-like mother photography is well structured and babies soon to be released in this Throw Momma From The still bosses and hits Owen like a child, neatly parodies some Hitchcock country and continues the trend and his only escape are the essays he scenes, but the drabness of the colours towards the straght-forward, good Train writes for his weekly English class, sometimes makes the plot-line of clean fun type of romantic/domestic matricide more morbid than comic. Danny De Vito's last two films Tin in which he fantasises about comedies which are appearing at an Billy Crystal is never quite Men and Ruthless People displayed murdering his mother, but he can ever-increasing rate (a la Roxanne, satisfactory as the weak-willed two extremes of comedy. In Ruthless never bring himself to do it. Nadine and Blind Date) teacher, despite some good scenes. People, anything was allowed as long His English teacher (Billy Crystal) It mixes a typically eighties issue, as it got a laugh, and it was quite also has someone he would like to However, having said this, the film that of the career woman in the brilliantly over-the-top. Barry murder. His ex-wife stole his first has some great gags and De Vito business of high finance, with the Levinson's Tin Men was a much novel, which has turned out to be a excellently plays the mild-mannered farcical potential of a 13 month old gentler comedy, which extracted its best-seller and he's suffering from Owen, who, in his naivety, can't see baby left on the proverbial doorstep. comedy from real people in real writer's block, while she's laughing what's wrong with murdering his The result is similar in many ways to situations (in this case it was all the way to the bank. mother. (But after seeing her in the Hollywood 'crazy comedies' of aluminium sidings salesmen in the Crystal advises De Vito to go and action, neither could I). The film is the thirties and forties which fifties). Throw Momma From The see a Hitchcock film, in order to worth seeing for Ramsey's concerned the privileged classes doing Train is pitched somewhere in improve his attempt at thriller writing. performance alone, which is a cracy things. It's the kind of thing between the two, with a man's De Vito sees Stranger on a Train, in combination of all the faults of every Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn attempts to kill his mother, after which two men swap murders, and, mother. I initially thought that might have starred in. having been inspired by a Hitchcock knowing of Crystal's wishes, takes his showing a preview of such a film on At first the look of the film is movie, supplying the unreal element, suggestion too literally and goes off Mothers' Day was sublimely sick, but classic, based heavily on the best of while De Vito and Billy Crystal to murder his wife, hoping that Owen's mother only made me twentieth century fashion and design; (better known as Joey out of Soap) Crystal will murder his mother. appreciate mine all the more. J C Wiatt (Diane Keaton) works in play real people. De Vito's directorial debut is a Noel Curry New York in a skyscraper designed by the modernist Miers van der Raoke and lives in a chic art deco apartment building with a Corbusier furniture suite and a Lichtenstein on the wall. The impression is of class and style with no warmth, just like JC's life (it takes her and her live-in lover just four minutes to make love. Enough time to boil an egg). However, the texture changes when she decides to quit the New York rat race and move, with baby Elizabeth, into her dream country farmhouse in picturesque Vermont, all patchwork quilts and Mom's applie pie type stuff. Here the style is quite different; JC has been brought down to earth from her skyscrapers to a cozy kind of snow covered existence in the country, reminding one of White Christmas and other such sentimental old films. The cast are excellent, giving their characters the warmth and humanity to elevate this from an embarrassment of a film into something quite Orphans watchable. They comprise oscar Orphans is a beautiful film dealing pet dog. Philip seems to emphasize time into the outside world clutching winner Diane Keaton, Pulitzer prize with themes fo parentage, family this; he is like a frightened animal, a map of Newark. To Treat he is a wining playwright Sam Shepard, love, anger and the control of crawling like a monkey. teacher, showing him how to behave Harold Ramis who co-wrote National agression. Director Alan J Pakula Their world is changed irrevocably and how to control his violent temper. Lampoon's Animal House and flicks between moods of hilarity, by the appearance of drunken But to both of them he is a father who Ghostbusters, and Sam Wanamaker despair, affection and - fear gangster Harold (Albert Finney) who they love and for whom they express whose project to recreate effortlessly. Treat (Matthew Modine) Treat hopes to hold for ransom. The grief when he is gone. Shakespeare's Globe Theatre is and Philip (Kevin Anderson) are a tables are swiftly turned and Harold Albert Finney is superb, bringing currently under construction. couple of dead-end kids living in sets about taming the two brothers. out the range in Harold's character The plot can be predicted before the Newark in a shack of a house Harold represents different things believably. Matthew Modine is a opening credits have finished. resembling Bate's motel. Philip is to each of them. There are tender suitably angry young man with an Nevertheless Baby Boom does have housebound for fear of the outdoors moments when he gives Philip the innocent streak and Kevin Anderson a kind of message, outlined by Keaton and Treat supports them by stealing encouragement he has always needed; makes the transition from caged pet in a meeting: 'It's possible for (an occupation for which he has a he hugs his shoulders, lets him feel to independence a joy to watch. someone to have a fullfilling career flair). Treat is master over his the rain for the first time on his face Steve Roberts. as well as a satisfying family life'. younger brother, treating him like a and watches him venture for the first Steve Roberts.

28 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX COMING SOON Empire of the Sun Broadcast News World War II, China is the setting for Broadcast News is described as a this Steven Spielberg epic about he romantic comedy set in the world of corruption of innocence in times of network television news war; innocence being represented in correspondents. It centres on a true Spielberg style by a schoolboy developing love triangle between a who is separated from his parents. We TV presenter (William Hurt), who see the war through the eyes of the has good looks but the brains of a youngster after Japanese forces take turnip; a dedicated reporter (Albert Shanghai following the bombing of Brooks), who has brains but the looks Pearl Harbour. This film is an of a turnip; and a workaholic young exercise in airing Spielberg's news producer (Holly Hunter). All considerable talent as a film director, three leads have Oscar nominations. but, although it is brilliantly and The film is a bright and witty account skilfully shot, the film is overlong, the of the ins and outs of the TV biz, storytelling is convoluted and though it is made by the people who disjointed and our senses are battered brought us the tedious Terms of with sentimentality. Ultimately we Endearment. don't care what happens to the kid, but we leave applauding the majesty Opens April 8. of it all. Opens March 22.

Moonstruck Three Men and a Baby The daughter of a New York Italian The three men in question are Tom family agrees to marry a staid Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve bachelor and then falls madly and Guttenberg as fun-loving single men passionately in love with his who are confronted with their two tempestuous younger brother. biggest fears: responsibility and Cher stars in this fast-talking fatherhood, when a baby girl is left comedy, and is nomnated for an on their doorstep. Oscar for her performance, indicating The film is based on the excellent that she is a lot better actress than she French farce Three Men and a is a singer. Nicholas Cage is the Cradle. I dread to think what drunken lout that Cher somehow falls Hollywood could have transformed for in a moon-induced fling. this into, but the film has been a A film for all you Italian New massive hit in the States, although just Yorkers out there. how much of this is due to the pulling power of the stars is uncertain. Opens March 25 Leonard 'Mr Spock' Nimoy directs his first non-Star Trek feature film.

Wall Street The Believers Michael Douglas will almost Martin Sheen plays a New York definitely win the Best Actor Oscar psychologist in this occult thriller for his portrayal of Gordon Gekko, dealing with rituals, powers and a Wall Street corporate raider—the devotions, rooted in the mystic past, epitome of capitalist greed—'a which have entered the main stream Manhatten carnivore at his most of modern America. The faith in lethal...unscrupulous and morally question is the Santeria, which to its bankrupt'. Charlie Sheen plays a believers is a means of summoning character not unlike that he played in supernatural forces to heal the sick, Platoon; that of a young man who comfort the troubled and celebrate doesn't realise what he's let himself human joy. However, like any belief in for when he enters the financial system, it is corrupted by people for jungles of the Stock Market. An their own ends. John Schlesinger impressive support cast includes directs this rarity—a horror film with Daryl Hannah, Martin Sheen, a message. Terence Stamp and Sean Young. But it is Michael Douglas who steals the show with a nine-minute speech Opens April 8. declaring 'Greed is good'. Opens April 29. Sumit Guha.

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 29 FOOTBALL SAILING IC Fifths win Cup A barrel of fun

One of the most important events in the Sailing Club calendar is the Bradford Barrel, which this year took place on March 11 to 13. Due to its importance Friday night included a weigh-in to sort out suitable crew/helm combinations. For the heavier members of the team this meant stripping down to the boxer shorts. Sailing began early Saturday morning, in Enterprises and Larks, after a night of socialising with members of the other ten teams, as well as the compulsory Bradford curry. The first race of the day was against our London rivals QMC. With some bad timing at the start, IC looked set to loose this grudge match. However, eventually the Lark in second place was one of IC's, giving a win with The victorious Fifths 2nd, 3rd and 4th positions. Later, in the race against The changing room was strangely Then out of nowhere, Glenn Evans Bargen marshalled his defence with Edinburgh, there was active team quiet. Everyone was simply sitting popped up with a shot from over 35 such remarkable ease that LSE never racing before the start. One member there, gazing in disbelief at their yards, a dream goal, and we were still looked like getting a shot on goal, let of the Edinburgh team in particular medals. No one at the club had alive after all. Penalties solved alone scoring. Ian Charlton's flair was determined to take captain expected the victory, and it was nothing. In the replay, the IC defence dominated the midfield. Yet IC Richard Jarman out, but in a difficult for anyone to have even dominated everything. Cruising at struggled to score and extra time manoeuvre known as avoiding the accepted that the fifths had got to the 1-0, then CC&W equalised with a beckoned. The inevitable IC winner, sharks, he managed to get away. This final, but we had won it...actually goal in the last seconds; hand ball as when it did arrive, was brilliant in its meant another 2, 3, 4 win for IC. won the Cup... well. Fortune, we thought, had own simplicity. Pete Othen's superbly Saturday night was again a riotous Normally, the laughter and chirpy deserted us. In the penalties, the most timed pass split the defence, and social occasion, with team racing conversation would be ringing around consistent player, Mike Wilks, Bassim Basma obliged with a delicate tactics demonstrated in the night club. the dressing room; win or lose, it normally so unruffled, missed his chip, and IC fifths were now This meant the early Sunday morning never really mattered. Satisfaction kick. Yet again, as if merely trying dreaming of Motspur Park. start was hard for everyone except was derived from playing as a team, to unnerve us, Lady Luck returned; March 5th: IC's handful of Richard to cope with. for the team, and that was reward in CC&W missed twice, and Lee supporters almost seemed in awe of From Saturday's results, it emerged itself. No wonder it felt so odd to have Roberts calmly placed the winner to UCL's coachload of fans. IC froze that TCD was the team to beat. IC had something tangible, to show our grab his moment of glory. The right at the start, UCL scored, 1-0. problems from the very beginning, grandchildren, as one cynical member quarter-final beckoned. IC then took over. Mike Wilks stole due to an unexpected change in start of the team pointed out. This was without doubt the hardest in to equalise, and UCL struggled to time by the Bradford committee, It had been a long Cup run. When match, and for the script writers, they put anything together. Then came which was to TCD's advantage. Bill we kicked off at King's College chose a day when IC were at their John Bolger's goal. He'd waited a rammed the start line buoy, and Sam Hospital all those months ago, no one best. The tension at kick-off reached long time for this one, but when the followed this up by banging him after had the slightest image of the Cup in new heights, but it was to be IC's day, chance came, his sweet volley into the a few nasty gybes. Ape thought up the their mind. We were without our and Tanwir Ahmed's game. He corner was a delight, 2-1. UCL threw brilliant tactic of gybing on to port, goalkeeper, but we were used to chased, tackled and barged like a man everything at IC in the second half, unfortunately he colided with a boat setbacks. Jon Turner, almost knowing his destiny. Inimitably, he and a very dubious penalty allowed which appeared from nowhere. Final nonchalantly donned the green jersey, crowned the performance with a them to equalise. But IC were not to result: 3, 5, 6. and proceeded quite extraordinarily stunning goal. As if all this wasn't be denied. The ubiquitous Jon Turner Ape was again on form in the race to make a series of outstanding_saves. enough, IC somehow let Royal Free played out of his skin, ably assisted against Manchester, when he hit the We won 2-1, albeit with a goal by back into the game. We were not to by Basher Issa. Bah Tamanji's fresh committee boat, started the race last, Bassim Basma that could, and should be denied though, and minutes from legs rejuvenated the attack, and in but excelled himself by finishing first. have been disallowed. Ironic perhaps the end, Pete Othen rose extra-time the victory was sealed; Apart from a win against Bradford, that this was our first victory of any magnificently to score the winner; a Glenn Evans' scorching shot the rest of the day proved sort in the season. The Charing Cross choice occasion indeed for his only deserving to win any final, a stormer unsuccessful for IC. The Barrel was game was a different matter. 3-1 up goal of the season. At last, it seemed of a goal; 3-2...perhaps it was no finally won by TCD and the home at half-time and, apparently, sailing that the team believed they could go wonder everyone was in a state of team Bradford, lost every race. Due to victory. Yet, with seconds to go we all the way. The semi-final can only shcok in the dressing room. This to the distance to travel home, we found ourselves 4-3 down. Quite be described as being the most one- strange mix of extrovert jokers had were unable to see where we were frankly, it felt like it was all over. sided match imaginable. Steve Von actually won the Cup... placed.

30 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX BOAT FOOTBALL JUDO Unseated Crowd trouble Desperate

Despite a major catastrophe, Sunday It must have been the last match of After half-time came a flowing March 13 saw the IC Rowing Club the season. Before the largest crowd movement of one-touch football Dan novice eight easily thrash all other of the season, the 6ths pulled off a before Richard Miles slipped it home boats in the same class. Half-way magnificent victory. We turned up on to make it 3-3. Andy Draine poked Last Saturday morning, IC hosted the through the University of London time and marvelled at the heading in the winner in a traditional UL Intercollegiate Judo Head (which is the same course as the prowess of Harshul Patel in the warm- goalmouth scramble, leaving the 6ths Championships. This is an annual Oxbridge boat race, in the opposite up. Kings arrived minus a kit and half to desperately defend their slender competition between 3, man/woman direction) the bowmans seat gave way an hour late. Kings scored first, lead until the pressure was relieved teams from UL College clubs with the beneath him, and refused to be despite a brave attempt by Mike by two Kings players being carried restriction that all competitors must mended, making it impossible for him Potter in goal, but Andy Draine kept off. We never touched them, honest be below black-belt (Dan) grade. to row. With balance seriously a clear head and slotted in the ref! IC entered one women's team— impaired the crew had no chance of equaliser. The same superstar then Even this last ditch win leaves IC Yoke-Foong Tan, Julie Beasley and winning the whole race (though the crossed low for Alasdair Bamford to 6ths firmly rooted to the bottom of the Beverly Moses, and two men's final times suggest they could have turn in the second. Then came the worst league in the whole of London teams—Henry Young, Jonathan Lean done). They had to be content with boring bit when Kings scored two college football—so back to the bar and Steven Shorey in the 'A' team and winning their division by the very fortunate goals. No sign of ready for next season! Nicola Maffulli, Jon Bird and Stuart convincing margin of 58 seconds. Harshul's head yet! Attendance: Five and a fox. Wheaton in the 'B' team. The men's competition was organised as two pools of four, followed by semi-finals and the final. IC 'A' lost to Royal Holloway 'A', but beat UCL 'B' and LSE in their pool, winning a place in the semi- finals. IC 'B' were less fortunate, losing to QMC and UCL 'A', but beating Royal Holloway 'B' 3-0. In the semi-final, IC 'A' came up against UCL 'A', but had to setde for bronze, losing 1-2, UCL 'A' went on to beat QMC in the final. Although comparatively few teams were entered, the highlight of the day was the women's competition. IC fought through to the final convincingly, to face UCL. In a close- Boat Club at the Reading Head fought, nail-biting contest, IC finally It's big won 2-1.

If you're still in London on HOCKEY Saturday morning, an event not to be missed is The Head of the River boat race. This is the biggest event in the Imperial smashes Charing X rowing calendar, with more than 500 eights competing over a timed course from Mortlake to Putney. The fun Imperial College 1st XI—4 in the lead. A short corner was half- controlling the opposition wingers. starts at approximately 10.30pm and Charing Cross 1st XI—0 saved and Justin Brooking flicked the Colin Wright's under-cut into the roof there will be at least 4 crews from A mild afternoon at Paddington ball into the Charing Cross net. The of the Charing Cross goal made it 3-0 Imperial needing your loud support. astroturf saw Imperial face league second goal quickly followed. A short and another short corner conversion leaders Charing Cross. Only a win corner won by Andy Hall was by Skipworth made it 4-0. would keep IC's championship hopes converted by Skipworth with a This was a promising performance alive. powerful shot. The now rampaging by IC, and, with only two league But not that The first half was dominated by IC IC side allowed Charing Cross few games left, the chances of finalising but, although numerous chances were chances with Andy and Mark Lewis on top look good. created, none were converted. Both big! Paul Skipworth and Michael Foxcroft forced saves from the Charing Cross Compare this to the race on the goalkeeper and good work by Harry following Saturday, April 2, when Vamadevan proved fruitless. In the only two crews will be battling it out brief moments that Charing Cross over a similar course. Oxford and ventured into the IC half they were Cambridge compete in 'The Boat kept a bay by the solid performances Race'. Hot favourite to be stroking of John Stonham and Jim Garside. the Cambridge crew is ex-IC boy Guy However, a disappointing first half Pooley. Why not go down, cheer finished 0-0. them on and impress your friends by A more determined IC side came saying T know 'im'. out after the interval and were soon

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 31 RUGBY i CROSS COUNTRY Random A term of running

RCS A-2 Well folks, despite what you thought finishing 20th and 24th. My heart star performer on the day was Hubert Ealing College A—0 the Cross-Country Club didn't die at bleeds for the lady runner who took but everyone did well. Thanks to last minute negotiations the end of last term. Gary Hart may a nose dive into one of the many A few of us participated in the Dobson managed to get RCS Rugby have pulled out of the US presidential puddles on the course. We fielded our National Cross Country a game against Ealing College. The elections due to leg-over problems but strongest ladies team of the year. Championships, would you believe it, game was started after a random we've had an injury-free season! Alison Horrocks our lady orienteer in Nottingham. The younger lads, without a whistle volunteered to In a very active term so far we've was 24th and Pam Samson 28th. Dave and Alex ran the junior race referee. been as far afield as Nottingham, The last race in the League was which was won convincingly by RCS quickly took hold of the game three times (who's that girl Dil?), held at Parliament Hill on a Simon Hugglestone. Dil ran the dominating most of the loose ball. Leicester and just about everywhere surprisingly dry course. Trevor, 9-mile senior race and easily won the The first points were scored from a in London. The highlight of the term despite trying to spike himself again contest for the muddiest appearance. kicked penalty. Th^; first try came was undoubtedly the Hyde Park stormed to a good 16th place. He was Our finishing positions, withheld by from a back row linking move which Relays hosted by ourselves, and is the closely followed by Hubert and request, may have been far down the left M Manning with a few yards to biggest student relay in Europe. captain Hugh. Thanks to everyone list but it should be remembered that run to score. Much of the game RCS The first race of the term was a who took part in the League. the cream of the English cross- were hampered by deliberate bloching friendly against Hercules Wimbledon. Our honour was at stake in the country runners took part. and offside tactics by their opponents. The race was wc by Phil O'Brien, Hyde Park Relays. The orienteers One week later Nottingham The resulting frustration only spurred who is an Olympic 'arathon runner, threw down the gauntlet and University staged their annual relay the team on further. Dobson was which begs the ques; n what were we challenged us to a private race within on a 2 mile plus course around the quantum tunnelling his way through doing there? E\ : so notable the race. I'm pleased to say that we campus, with two gruelling hills. IC their pack and won much line out ball. performances for iC came from saw off not only the orienteers but old boy Gavin ran a blinding leg in The score did not progress further Hubert S H, Trevor S and Stuart B. also the old boys team, led by our 13:14 but Hubert and Trevor were until the second half when when B Our first trip to Nottingham was for fitter-than-ever former secretary close behind. Energetic Hubert Evans stumbled over the line. Many the British Universities Gavin Waterson. Even our second decided that one leg wasn't enough so opportunities were not taken, the championships. In a highly team held off the orienteers! The ran another leg just for fun! The worst occurred when Manning competitive race superstar Dave ladies team fought courageously but results were not known at the time of tripped over his ego when clear. A Knight only managed a top 200 had to settle for a lesser placing in a writing. much improved RCS side continuted placing but everyone's performances truly high class race. The paramedics Finally the club AGM will be at to put pressure on, not deterred when were up to scratch. This included had a peaceful day since Wimpey 5.00pm on Wednesday March 23. the extraordinary fat person had the Wimpey who added to his reputation decided not to collapse this year. Our More details on the noticeboard. ball. gained at last year's Hyde Park Relays when he was again hospitalised after INDOOR CRICKET the race. In the London Colleges League congratulations are in order as our Calling pgs first team kept up their good performances from last term to finish a strong third. We were in fact the I am interested in organising a first London College as the League limited-over knockout, or round was won by Thames Polytechnic with robin, indoor cricket tournament for Oxford Polytechnic in second place. PGs during the Easter holidays in the This creditable result was brought Volleyball Courts. about by good performances and good Format: turnouts at Trent Park, Parliament 1. 10-15 overs per side. Hill Fields (and possibly Richmond 2. 6 persons per side. Park). We would have taken third 3. Tennis ball instead of cricket place one race earlier had Stuart B not ball. decided to do an extra lap at Trent 4. Other rules affecting scoring will Park losing 50 places! Not even your apply. umbrella could help this time Stuart! 5. Enough equipment will be The final position of our top six provided. runners after six races and out of a Possible dates for tournament: total of 280 competitors were as Wednesday March 30 follows: Wednesday April 6 11th Alex Gaskell Wednesday April 13 18th Dave Knight If you can form a team of PGs from 22nd John H Porter your department contact Yishu Nanda 29th Hubert Schulte-Huxel on int 4320 (leave a message if I'm 44th John Rowland not in). 49th Ramin Dilmaghanian Before you laugh, indoor cricket on The Richmond Park Race which is the volleyball courts using a tennis organised by us saw Tim Butler of ball is good fun; it has been tried and Surrey winning his first and much tested. PGs at IC do so very little deserved league race after many together so I hope many of you will attempts. Hubert (our German sieze this opportunity. import) and Alex led our forces home

32 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX lety Rage

Brunt Trophy back for IC, or would relish the chance of explaining to your bank manager why, on top of a £400 £30,000 Debate Gliding overdraft, you have a bill for £80 of wine then come along to Aero 254 at February 19 was the date of Imperial Should Imperial College join the Howgate/Harbour-Bridge, seconded 5.30pm on Thursday. National Union of Students? This will by Alan Rose (Deputy President). College Gliding Club's most be the topic of debate tomorrow If ICU does join the NUS this could auspicious event, the Annual Dinner, (Thursday) at 1pm in the Union cost the Union in the region of held at the Royal Aeronautical Society. Greenpeace Lounge. All Imperial students can £30,000, however, some students attend this potentially lively meeting. would like to see IC getting involved Both past and present student There is now an active Greenpeace Speaking in favour of IC joining the in the NUS's campaigns against members attended. Among the invited support group for West London and NUS should be Vicky Phillips student loans, poll tax, etc. guests were officials of Lasham help is urgently needed with a variety (National President) or possibly There will be opportunities to ask Gliding Society including Mr Derek of fund-raising events (if you can another member of the National questions afterwards. Given the Piggot, recognised as the world's think of a use for a fifty foot inflatable Executive and seconding will be a strong views of many students on the foremost gliding instructor, and a whale then let us know). representative from IC's pro-NUS matter, this should be well worth party from Surrey University Gliding The first major event is the society. Opposing will be Imperial going to. Club. Greenpeace Flag Day on April 9. If College Union President Ian/Sydney The catering and service were you are around and could spare any excellent. The after-dinner speech time to hassle people in High Street was given by Mr Bill Kronfeld, an ex- Kensington and the surrounding area Healthy Democracy IC student, who spoke of his father's please get in touch with me. Elections! Keep Fit needs a committee sign up—there's very little work major contribution to gliding this Greenpeace is a non-political next year—papers have been up for involved. century, including the first cross- organisation which carries out a lot about two weeks, in Southside Gym. Finally, Keep Fit continues over country flight and the first glider of very worthwhile campaigns all of The following posts are available- Easter. There is a two week break, traverse of the English Channel. which need your support to continue. President, Chairperson, Treasurer, and then the last two weeks, lessons The annual award presentations So if you can collect or just want to Secretary, Publicity Officer and are as normal. also took place. Of current students get in touch with the support group Ordinary Member. There will be an Monday April 11 and 18, Steve Brooker was awarded the (which is nothing to do with Imperial Election AGM early next term, after 5.30-6.30pm. Tuesday April 12 and President's Cup for an 80km cross- and has been set up by Greenpeace one of the evening lessons. If you're 19, 6-7pm. Wednesday April 13 and country flight. supporters) then please contact me by interested or have any questions see 20, 12.30-2pm. Thursday April 14 Apart from Surrey University being phoning 373 1736 (Alistair Goodall Richard Bools, EE 2; Marika Duyver, and 21, 5.30-6.30pm. awarded the Brunt Trophy for the best in Flat 6) or via the Computing Geol 2; Phil Chandy, Aero 2; Sophie Have a good holiday, and don't eat height gain, a good time was had by pigeonholes. Czuprinski, ME 2; Alison Seward, too much over Easter! all! Thanks a lot. Geol 2; or Alan Betts, ME 2. Please Cheers. So if you're interested in getting the Alistair Goodall (DoC 1)

Hi, there. It's that time of the year burning sadly refused to get off the again when baskets are rigged, ground! In the end we managed to fly burners are turned on, envelopes are nearly everybody, using Nottingham Summer in the Air? inflated and the skies are reached. University for the Sunday launch and Yes, despite the awful weather I believe a great weekend was had by conditions so far this year, we have all. managed to find the odd couple of A few of us also went flying last days to fly our hot-air balloon weekend down at Newbury. The 'Second-Wind'. weather was beautiful with the odd A few weekends ago we took the flurries of snow glittering in the balloon up to Loughborough sunshine at 2000 feet. University who also have an active We passed nearby to a glider balloon club. We drove up Friday airfield and saw them being pulled up evening with a newly bought right and then gracefully circled wing mirror sellotaped on (no thanks downwards. Our final landing was to the club who lost the previous one). good but not very near to any access Arriving a bit late we headed roads. A kind farmer came to our straight for the nearest watering-hole rescue in the form of a tractor which where the next day's plans were he used to get all our equipment out carefully (?) laid out. Also having of the field. After a couple of frantic forgotten a complete set of air-maps, telephone calls, our retrieve crew our old OS maps were hurriedly eventually found us and then we all marked up with all the nearby air headed for tea and hot-chocolate traffic zones (useful places to know fudge cake! about!). We all then crashed out at a Interested in flying in the summer friend's house (all twelve of us). term and over summer? (It really isn't Next morning bright and early we difficult—you just stand in the basket arranged to meet at the university and let the pilot do the rest!) Come grounds. We eventually found the to one of our regular Thursday correct launch site, to be greeted by lunchtime meetings at 1pm in the a number of other local balloonists. Southside Upper Lounge (above the Soon all the balloons were up and bar)—just ask around for the ready to go except 'Primebang', the balloonists. Everybody's welcome. rather old and leaky Loughborough Jan Vonka (DoC 2). balloon which, even after much

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 33 ELIX FILMSOC DANCE SOC JEWISH SOC Dancing Days The Tuesday before last, March 8, the Sisterly lust On Saturday March 12, a twenty fifth place which Thomas Puetz and last day of International Women's strong team travelled up to Liverpool Rachel Condor got in the open samba Week, was specified as a day of to compete in the biggest competition after only two lessons in that solidarity with women refuseniks, in the dance calendar—the particular dance. All that was missing who are unable to exercise their right Intervarsity Ball. from this performance was a timely to leave their country. As part of such After a tiresome journey of five slap around the face from Rachel, a protest it was decided that at IC our hours, the Imperial clan shook the perhaps next time. concerns for Galina Pilmenstein ought fatigue from their legs and the The end of the evening saw the to be relayed to the Soviet Embassy Term's nearly over so why not get hairspray from their lungs and donned offbeat entries performing to a new in London. Galina (and her family) demob happy with Hannah and Her their competition dress in readiness. set of judges who obviously were have been refused exit visas from Sisters! All couples danced well in their either blind to dancing talent, or more Russia due to military secrets that, it Widely regarded as one of Woody individual events but once again the likely, preferred to see suspender-clad is claimed, her father knows, (from Allen's best films, it's the story of a mercy of the judges was not exactly girls rubbing themselves against the Russian army, fifteen years ago) man's dilemma when he develops on our side. chairs than a truly entertaining and might have relayed to her. So at adulterous impulses towards his Hugh Hamilton and Shuko dance. Imperial, we decided that Galina's wife's sister. Combining deep Noguchy (waltz) were unfortunately After winning convincingly at the situation should be shared with the poignancy and hilarious comedy, the knocked out in the first round but the Southern Ball three weeks earlier masses. film ranges from life to love to lust, competition was particularly strong Imperial were not even placed in the Armed with the symbol of all IC bringing the humour from the human and so there was no great disgrace in first three. Unbelieving onlookers Soviet Jewry events, a plentiful condition, making you laugh and cry. this result. stood in stunned silence—a rather supply of After Eights chocolates, a An all star cast includes Michael Simon Denyer and Rachel Condor unexpected end to the evening. Caine who won an oscar for his stall was set up in the JCR, attracting (quickstep) danced in a controlled and But on the whole this year has been performance, Carrie Fisher, Max many a passer-by. The Student and lively manner only to be robbed of a an enjoyable and successful one, and Von Sydow and of course Woody Academic Campaign for Soviet Jewry place in the final by dubious judging. much of this success has been due to Allen himself. So if you want to see had announced that, considering that Neil McCluskey and Dinah our wonderfully enthusiastic coach, seven of Mia Farrow's eight children many hundreds were fasting up and Woodhurst (jive) came away with Victoria Cunniffe, for the second year and the inside of her apartment make down the country in support of second place after yet another exciting running she has been an inspiring a date for tomorrow. Thursday March refuseniks, paper plates should be performance of their routine. force behind all our couples and many 24 at 7pm in Mech Eng 220, only £1 used as stationery on which to write The success story of the night was heart-felt thanks go out to her from to non members, 50p members. By to the Embassy. This went down very the second place that Thomas Puetz everyone she has taught this year. well with the students approached, the way, how would you like to and Joanne Wade were awarded in the A special mention must also go to and about seventy letters were written choose next year's films and get into cha-cha-cha. The incredible facial our president Gill Knowles who led within a short period of time. (Thank them all free? If you're interested in technique of Thomas and his us through the harder times by goodness for After Eights!!) helping out running Filmsoc, continuous winking to the judges example and our wardrobe mistress however little or much, come along The enthusiasm shown during this worked in their favour, as did the Dawn Fletcher who spent hours in to any film and have a chat with one past event will certainly allow us to expressive way in which they both front of her sewing machine to make of the committee, we don't bite (we eagerly await an optimistic reply from danced. sure that all our competitors were prefer to squeeze you to death). the Embassy—failing that, next term Another pleasing result was the immaculately turned out. will be seeing more eventful events. If you feel you could help with the to Scafell Pike, taking in a good campaign, please contact J Goldstein scramble up Broad Crag. The cloud (Chem 1). stayed above 3000 feet all day and conditions were acceptably dry. However, as we sat drinking in the pub that evening we were all asking cv soc where was the snow? Returning to Wasdale Head on the Sunday revealed that the snow-line Now that ICU has Beetlesoc, why not had fallen to 2000 feet. A small party societies to promote other classic had their scramble on Great Gable cars? If anyone is interested in ruined by this snow. However, forming CVsoc, in honour of the everyone else found excellent Citroen 2CV and its many derivatives conditions underfoot as they climbed the please contact James Breach, Scafell by Lord's Rake. Club ice-axes Chemistry 2. were used but the experienced and novice alike had an exhilarating day—and perfect slope for glissading S&G was found on the top. At last some decent snow was The final S&G weekend of the found to end a dismal winter—we are Spring Term involved a party of dreaming of a white one next year. twelve visiting the Lake District. We See you all in the Southside Upper stayed in the Santon Bridge village Lounge on any weekday lunchtime. hall near Wast Water. If you want to learn what S&G Saturday saw two parties starting does why not come to Mines B303 on from Wasdale Head. The first Thursday March 24 at 12.30pm to the climbed Yewbarrow, Steeple and Chairman's annual review, with Pillar. The second made their way up slides?

34 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX F ELIX TWERP takes Cookery Club a trip to the Fringe

The Edinburgh Festival is an annual Shergar Stew arts festival which takes place over a span of three weeks during the month Serves 6 normal people or 4 pigs. of August. It is a celebration of music, 2 lb stewing beef fine art, literature, film and theatre 2 level tbs flour and is attended by people from all 3 oz butter over the world. 1 onion (finely chopped) The Imperial College Dramatic 2 cloves garlic (crushed) Society has taken part in the Festival 4 oz carrots (thick sliced) for many years, the last six of which 2 oz celery (chopped) we have also administered our own 2 oz turnips (cut into chunks) venue in Edinburgh; Theatre West Some grated nutmeg End. It is situated in a prime location, 14 tsp powdered allspice in Edinburgh's main shopping 4 pints Guinness precinct. The Society performs three Salt and pepper productions at the venue, under the name of Theatre West End Repertory Pre-heat the oven to gas mark Vi, Productions. Last year, the three 250°F, 130°C. Use a large, heavy shows included Bent by Martin frying pan and casserole dish. Sherman, Seascape by Edward Albe, Whack an ounce of butter in the and The Collection and The Lover— casserole and over a gentle heat, a double bill by Harold Pinter. These sweat the onion and the garlic for 10 were all very well received. minutes. Open the first bottle of Auditions for the three plays which Guinness. Heat the frying pan and add the Imperial College Dramatic another ounce of butter. Drink the Society will be presenting in first bottle of Guinness and open the Edinburgh this August will take place second. next term on Sunday May 1st, and Meanwhile, toss the cubes of meat Wednesday May 4th at 1pm. Further in the flour and brown them a few at details about the meeting place for a time in the frying pan in the hot auditions, and the productions to be butter. Transfer them into the presented this summer will be posted casserole to join the onions and the around College (look out on the garlic. Whilst doing this, drink the walkway!) and appear in FELIX at second bottle of Guinness. Open the the beginning of next term. third. Those people who are cast in the Rayleigh—rest in peace When the meat is all in, do the veg. Theatre West End repertory Add a little more butter if you need productions would have to ensure that At the end of this week the 26 last summer, but this idea was shelved it. Brown the veg a little at the corners they are available in London during residents of Rayleigh House will be because the renovation work on and edges. Drink the third bottle of July (rehearsals are in the evenings), moving out for the Easter vacation Fisher Hall was taking longer than Guinness and open the fourth bottle and would have to keep the month of and for good. expected and there were not enough of Guinness. August free for the Festival. It is a The House which is situated in rooms ready for the 1987-88 intake. When all the veg has been doshed commitment, but the vast majority of Queensbury Place, just opposite the Consequently this has meant that the into the casserole, sprinkle the spices those who have made that Natural History Museum, has students in Rayleigh must move in the in, the salt and pepper and the last commitment in previous years would recently been sold by the College to middle of the academic year, bottle of Guinness. Resist the agree that it is worthwhile, as pay for renovations to Fisher Hall, the disrupting the third year re-applicants temptation at this stage to drink it— participating in the Festival is a new property in Evelyn Gardens, just before their finals. you'll need it for the recipe. rewarding and memorable purchased last year from the Royal Most of the residents of Rayleigh Don't worry at this stage if it looks experience. College of Art. House will be moving to Fisher Hall like you've overdone it on the So, if you are interested in taking Rayleigh House was originally but a few will be accommodated in Guinness. The slow cooking will take part in the Edinburgh Festival this bought in 1968 and named after The other Houses and Halls. The Warden care of it. Next, bring it up to summer (as a performer, or Fourth Baron Lord Rayleigh FRS, the Mark Goldstone is moving to a flat simmering point and whack it in the otherwise), then make a note in your Chairman of the Governing Body of in Evelyn Gardens and can be oven. Now comes the good bit. Leave diary of May 1st and May 4th. And Imperial College (1936-47) contacted during the day on internal it in the oven for six hours. If you've remember—these auditions are open Being such a small community, the extension 4772. timed it right, it should now be 11 to everybody: You don't have to be atmosphere within Rayleigh is one of The House was to celebrate its 20th o'clock on a Saturday morning. Shoot a member of Dramsoc. Everyone is the friendliest and warmest of all the birthday this year, but this was down the pub and stay there until welcome to audition and stands a fair College Houses and it is with great cancelled because of the sale and it closing time. In the bookie, a few bets chance of being cast. sadness and reluctance that the present is now hoped that a formal event will and then back home for a few pre- Watch this space for further details. residents are leaving. Many previous be held next term to mark the closure dinner drinks courtesy of the local Vanessa Dodge, residents have also expressed their of the House. offie. Sling together some mashed Theatre West End Repertory sorrow at the sale. Rachel Fowler (Civ Eng 3), spuds and serve up this culinary Productions. The House was originally to be sold Re-Applicant. delight whilst watching the A Team.

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 35 ers

want to stop the spread of sinister religions join me in condemning the Moonies whose letter was printed after Small Ads yours in last week's FELIX. Challenging the Yours sincerely, Richard Greenough (Robotics Centre).

Shoobedoobee doobeedoo ahh (clap clap) (repeat if necessary). Penthouse intolerance Club jive squad. Wiggle dive crash spin—breakdancing Dear FELIX, Careful by PK. I am writing to correct some of the inaccuracies I read Pead-Eye PK can shoot a coat- in a recent letter by Matthew Huntbach in last week's hanger falling backwards over a wall FELIX (no 798). downing a pint of whisky in one. Ask I share Matthew's reservations about the UCCF handling the Indian waiter! Penthouse Club. statement of belief and I would not join the Christian Union Having provided the RCS Office with at my last university for this reason. The reason for my its own all-weather independent multi- reservations was that the statement effectively barred my The Editor of FELIX, targetable nuclear deterrent, the Roman Catholic Christian friends from membership. My Under the terms of the constitution it is understandable Penthouse Club is considering proliferation. church allowed any one who claimed to love the Lord to that the Union has decided to expel the Christian Union. take Communion and I saw no reason why the UCCF The membership clause is presumably unconstitutional. Lost: Gold bracelet in Southside on should be so dogmatic. St Paul argued long and hard with The Union must now face the fact that some societies, Wednesday evening. If found please, certain influential Jewish Christians, who insisted on by their very nature, require special status. It is necessary please contact Deda Ibikunle (Chem circumcision of Gentile believers, and I feel that similar for instance that the Orchestra restricts who plays in their Eng 2). A lot of sentimental value- arguments apply here. concerts. Societies which are affiliated to outside please get in touch if you know of its whereabouts. Having said this, I feel that Matthew displays a poor organisations (eg RAC) may be required to comply with understanding and peculiar intolerance of evangelical the regulations of that organisation. I would suggest that LOST: 22.3.88, Sports Centre, Christianity, which must be challenged. the emotive nature of religions also requires careful about 12.30pm. 1 gold ring with As an evangelical Christian myself I accept the Bible handling. large bloodstone. Reward offere'd, any as the sole source of authority, but before I am condemned Setting aside these considerations the letter, published information please contact Russ Dark, Chem Eng 3. as a fundamentalist loony I must admit that in common last week (FELIX 798) by Matthew Huntbach deserves with many other Christians, I have problems with the comment. It is not only bigotted but also grossly interpretation of biblical truth. There is plenty of scope inaccurate. for abuse here and many people (Matthew mentions three) I am not a member of the CU. I will not sign the doctrine have used the Bible to promote their own dubious and of faith. I have never been made to feel unwelcome at sometimes immoral views. It is in the search for a true any of the CU activities which I have attended. understanding that the support and teaching of the Church To answer Mr Huntbach's first theological sortie, Christ (the whole Church) is necessary, although there is no sent his disciples to all men and left his spirit working substitute for sincere reflective study and prayer. in the whole world. Christianity is a product of his life. Matthew accuses the CU (and I presume evangelicals The CU does not claim it to be a product of the Bible. in general) of selectivity in their approach to the Bible, For Mr Hunthach to suggest that a society which has but he does not develop this argument. I must admit that a restriction on its membership claims to represent all I am surprised by his view of the CU as the British wing Christians is patently rubbish. His later comment about of the American 'televangelists' but again this argument the Gnostic gospels is, frankly, foolish beyond permission. is not developed. The cases are entirely unconnected. The most inaccurate part of Matthew's letter is the bit Equally sensible is the suggestion that all members of on 'justification by faith'. This is not the place for the CU must accept the Bible as 'The sole source of discussion of this very old argument, and most Christians authority'. Surely that is God! The CU belief is that the have to hold St Paul's teaching 'So the law was put in Bible was written by people inspired by God and as such charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by is the most authoritative text that we have. This belief can Should faith'—Galations 3:24; and James's teaching 'You see that and does encompass an enormous range of opinions on a person is justified by what he does and not by faith the infallibility of the content. Imperial join alone'—James 2:24 in tension. A better understanding can Mr Huntbach then goes on to attack Protestantism in be gained by reading the entire-chapters from which these general. At this point the letter becomes incoherent, the NUS? verses are taken and also Ephesians 2:8-10. disconnected and mostly drivel. His claim about the I doubt if anybody in the CU or even Matthew has inside connection between the CU and TV evangelists is rubbish. Thursday 24th information on Mother Theresa's destiny in the afterlife His point about Mother Theresa is untrue and irrelevant. but I think it is safe to assume that she will go to heaven— He manifestly has no understanding of the concept of 1.00pm not because she is a 'good person' but because of her 'justification by faith'. relationship with God, and her salvation through the death I would suggest that the major message of 'Christ's Union Lounge of Christ. radical social teaching' is that to preserve slavishly the All welcome Perhaps the heart of the Gospel is that we don't have status quo is not sufficient, no matter how infallible one to be like Mother Theresa to be saved (which is good news believes the tradition to be. Such things should be for most of us) but that we do need God's forgiveness questioned and followed only if the individual's conscience and to be 'born again'. finds them to be correct in all things. Some of Christ's On the matter of Christ's social teaching, this was not strongest conflicts were with the traditions of established AT humanitarian advice about how to be a 'good person', but religion. a command to love others as He loves us. It is not true In his last paragraph Mr Hunthach exhorts all Christians that the Protestant Church has rejected Christ's radical not to tolerate the CU. I would suggest that such a social teaching—consider Lord Shaftesbury or Archbishop blinkered attitude is far more sinister than anything the 6 Tutu, but please don't judge the CU on the performance CU might produce. of a few right-wing charlatans from the US. Yours faithfully, Finally Matthew, if you're reading this, if you really S J Lockerbie, Physics 2.

36 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX ^7 \EcLdcrrr

- 3 ^B- ers

be so. However, you've still got one full term to resucitate Small Ads it, Judith, and even if you don't manage it I have every confidence that Bill Goodwin will. Not misleading Yours sincerely, Alastair Seymour, Assiduous FELLX reader. ANNOUNCEMENTS Dear FELLX, Friends of Enoch Powell Society will With reference to Matthew Huntbach's letter (FELIX You seem to have read into my editorial all the things be holding its first dinner at the South 798) concerning his views on the Christian Union, I would which I didn't say. You merely assume that your African Embassy next week. We conclusions are what I intended to imply. As I said, welcome applications for like to make a few points which, I feel, might remove membership—contact G Kennedy some misunderstanding: unless you have worked on FELIX for several years, (Chem 31. 1. The name 'Christian Union' is in no way misleading not just my year, you will not understand the spirit. I must say, though, that I am looking forward to Tignes '88—Anyone wanting a copy as it implies a group of Christians united in their belief of the Christmas tour group come along and active in their relationship with God. reading FELIX next year. It will be an amazing paper to Southside one lunchtime next 2. Christianity, as practiced by the CU, is based truly if Bill manages to carry out all his election promises. week—Skisoc. and firmly on a belief in Jesus Christ. The Bible, not as Don't miss Dark Star at the Jazz & 'some obscure jumble' but as the inspired word of God, Rock Club Hop, tonight. is of immense importance in understanding Christ and Dark Star wish to thank SFSoc for following Him more effectively. Guilds' agony the free publicity! 3. The most important protestant belief is not exclusive Many thanks to all the ICSO and that is that salvation is available to all who Committee for a wonderful concert on acknowledge Christ as their Lord and Saviour and that, Dear Judith 'Deidre' Hackney, Friday. through Christ, we may enjoy a fulfilled relationship with I really am very sorry to bother you with my problems, For all those members of the God and Father. but there really is no one else I feel I can turn to. Over Chamber Music Society who have not 4. 'Justification of faith alone' is not a protestant belief. the last few months, I have become very close to this guy, yet received a letter about the AGM it Justification by faith, however, is a widely held Christian and on a recent night out, we went a little too far, and will be held on March 23. Election view (Romans 5:1). This by no means does away with before I knew what was happening, he took advantage papers are up on the noticeboard along the walkway. Christ's teaching on the poor, on morality etc. Indeed St of me. It was my first time, and I found it understandably Paul says: 'Do we then nullify the Law through faith? On difficult to walk the next day. Since that night, he has ACCOMMODATION the contrary, we establish the Law.' (Romans 3:31). chosen to ignore me, and I feel so cheap and used. A double room flat in Heme Hill, ring 5. No one I know would ever suggest Mother Theresa However, I still love him, but I imagined that sooner or Jaz on int 4033. was destined for Hell—the suggestion is quite later my feelings for him would fade. Unfortunately, we preposterous. have now both been chosen as editors for Guildsheet, and Urgently required to share large modern house in Hounslow—all I make these points, not to attack personally views or I am afraid that my feelings will get in the way of my facilities—own large single room. £188 beliefs held by Mr Huntbach, but merely to correct what doing my job well. (After all, I know how hard Mr Tyler per month and bills. References I felt was a misrepresentation of the conduct of our found it to work with Mr Baker.) What do you think I required. Contact Kathy Tait on int Christian Union. I hope, and indeed pray, that Imperial should do Judith? I am at my wits end and cry myself to 3500 or 570 2549 after 6pm. College will see the value of this society and therefore treat sleep every night. Do you think that I should face him and tell him my feelings? Please, please help. LOST & FOUND them in a respectful way in the future. Yours sincerely, Yours faithfully, Who gave me a calculator at Camera Love and God Bless, 7 last Wed (March 9)? Claim it back at CP. Roger Morris (President of Methodist Society). the Union Bar at lunchtime. Steve Well, luvvy. I can understand what an unfortunate Killmurray. situation you have found yourself in. Men are callous, Lost: One box of ten Macintosh 3V* heartless b*st*rds, aren't they? I think you ought to disks with 'keep music live' sticker on confront you feelings and your man. Tell him back. If found please return to Chas everything and if he tells you where to go, castrate him. Brereton, c/o Union. Reward £5. Oh so vicious Lost: One brown leather shoe, size 10. Lost between Linstead Hall and Dear Judith, Holbein House, Friday (March 11). I would like to ask you for an explanation for your Please return to Rodger Houghton unwarranted and vicious attack on Bill Goodwin (Editorial, 'UV2Z & :rdck C1TJB (Maths 3) for mega reward. FELIX 797). I congratulate you on your subtleness (for PRESENTS THE example, not even mentioning his name), but the fact PERSONAL remains that it was an unjustified and callous slur on Bill. The Linstead Hall Flashers—flashing As it is no secret that Bill was not your preferred candidate, to the world (and Tizard). this looks like yet another episode in the long-running saga HOP Overheard on a recent Diving Club of 'Judith-Hackney-using-her-editorial-to-slag-off- n trip: M: 'W, where are my underpants?' people-she-doesn' t-like'.

Come in No 37, your time is up! For the benefit of those who don't know what I'm 23 MARCH UNION LOWER LOUNGE 5th Airborne Brigade (wine boxes) referring to, I am objecting first of all to the fact that Bill was not mentioned in your editorial as having been elected are now fully kamikaze trained. The WITH Penthouse Club. FELIX Editor. I know that you have told us all a million A Poem: Why use a nom de plume? times that what you put in FELIX, and especially in your Cowardly hiding behind a mask of editorial, is completely up to you; however, it seems anonimity, you pour forth verse as bitter wrong to me to list all the winners except for the one you xh:e GENTS as bile You are nothing but the scum didn't like. More importantly, however, I'm objecting to of the earth. I preach no emnity, but the scurrilous accusations in the right-hand column of your with you I must be terse-Be you a SCECROIZDIHGXP/S C&3t editorial, under the subheading of FELIX. In it, you accuse faggot, Be you a maiden, You can forget my bum, you little scum, you Bill of standing for the post of FELIX Editor solely to little maggot.—Yishu. further his own journalistic career. As if that wasn't MOCK OTCIKS& SUPPOR T enough, you then proclaim that, under his leadership, your The spirit of Rayleigh House will never die! Watch out Linstead and so-called 'FELIX spirit' will be gone. To top it all off, Fisher. you then announce that FELIX is dead. That may well 50 ON THE DOOR: DOORS OPEN 7:30

FELIX Wednesday 23rd March 1988 37 continued occupation, the destruction of, at least, 20,000 Deaths: Rayleigh House on Sat March 26. Will be greatly missed by homes belonging to Palestinians and standing on land everyone. which is rightfully theirs, the illegal expropriation of Policy warning thousands of acres of Arab land for the purpose of KM & AR? Nearly? establishing illegal Jewish settlements. One must Ann's blue dressing gown is very Dear Judith, acknowledge however, that Israel has given a number of revealing. I have read with interest the brief article on page 16 Palestinian families plots of land with 99 year leases, with Q: Which of next year's sabbaticals of FELIX 798 regarding the two 'con-women' operating no electricity, no roads, no mosques and certainly no a) got arrested by the diplomatic police, in the Evelyn Gardens residences. It has since come to schools. b) woke up Southside with heavy rock until 1am, c) got pissed? our notice that some of those approached are Mining Secondly, it is clear that Mr Nelkon ignores the Ribat, House residents and so I've carried out certain 1974, and the Fass, 1982, summits where the PLO A: 1, 2, all of them! investigations of my own. chairman Arafat stated that he, as spokesman for the Amin you letcherous b*****d! No, The service being promoted is a life assurance policy Palestinian people, will declare the right of the state of only joking! with Premium Assurance Company and the company Israel to exist and will support the existence of a two state Penthouse—watch out your cards involved is Royston Financial Services (in association with settlement, living in peace, provided Israel accepts the are marked—Bill. Genn Financial Services Ltd.). This company has its PLO as the sole representative of the Palestinian people, Mark Shillito is innocent! headquarters in London and another office in Manchester. the right of the Palestinians to a state of their own in the Bum been bitten by Albino Aligator? The women operating in Evelyn Gardens are apparently occupied territories. This was categorically rejected by Call Albino Aligator Busters. Wer're here from the Manchester office. Israel. This policy of rejection has been most recently to save the world and your bum. After enquiries from students. contacted the demonstrated by Mr Shamir's rebuffal of the Shultz 'land Matt are you sure you want to have headquarters and spoke to one Ms Rosemary Genn. She for peace' initiative. babies? outlined salient points of the agreement, but there seems Thirdly, Mr Nelkon's figure of '8,000 acts of terror' Congratulations Kevin from all your to be a difference on two key issues. Firstly, contrary to which he claims to have been carried out by the PLO seems fans in NH1. what seems to have been advised to IC students, the policy a bit ludicrous. As Mr Nelkon surely knows the PLO was is designed to run for ten plus years and not five plus established in 1965 (ie 23 years ago) and for this How do you pronounce dickhead in Greek? Yiannis Seglias-3Y Mad years. Secondly, access to the investment is not possible such a number of acts, this would organisation to carry out Gardeners. after three years (as said by these women) but only after entail at least six acts of terror every week. Mr Nelkon much longer. Ms Genn could only attribute this apparent who are you kidding? No one could or would condone The P D Williams Guide to Suicide. Get yourself drunk and locked out on disparity to some misunderstanding on the part of the terror were they carried out in the Middle East acts of the balcony...34 MGs. Manchester office and has promised to check up on it. or elsewhere in the world. However would any person Also, when Royston Financial Services does notify clients consider the massacre of 5000 civilians, including women, Look for The 3Y MGs strike again'. Coming soon to a residence hall near from Evelyn Gardens about the receipt of their children and elderly people, an act of terror? The answer you!! applications, Ms Genn has volunteered to include an would surely be yes. As you well know, the Israeli army additonal note stating the actual conditions. knowingly allowed such an abominable act to take place Babies saved, old ladies rescued, contact M Jones. From further enquiries of another investment consultant, in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps (Lebanon 1982). I gather that such an approach to selling insurance policies Would you consider the bombing of civilians in several Guess again—it's a menage a trois. is not unique. However, it is difficult to say whether these Lebanese cities, by the Israeli air force, resulting in the R—I've got a long way to catch up policies are authentic or fakes. I can only suggest that all death of some 1,000 people and the injury of over 5,000 with you—W. those who have applied consider seriously the implications others an act of terror? Surely the answer would be yes SK—cute a cuddly—maybe, sweet of the investment being much more long term than was again. These unrequited, unmitigated and unjustifiable acts and innocent—never. put to them. Ms Genn is expecting enquiries from Imperial were carried out over the period 1976-1982 and preceding To her of the many men, do as College students on this topic and I recommend that anyone Israel's invasion of the Lebanon, which resulted in the you're told and take your trousers with doubts in their minds should contact her at the further deaths of thousands of innocent civilians. Or would off-C. following address: Ms Rosemary Genn, Royston Financial one not consider the Deir Yassin massacre and the King What is subtlety? On a postcard Services, c/o GFS Ltd, Equity House, 65 Trinity Road, David hotel bombing acts of terror? Thus Mr Nelkon I please to she of the many men and he London N22 4XX (Tel: 01-889 9451); do remember to do not think your argument that the PLO is a terrorist who grovels at her feet (?). state that you are from IC. organisation holds ground when faced with today's reality Rayleigh House is dead, long live the Sincerely yours, of, Israeli politics, where members of past terrorist RHINO Club! organisations, such as the Irgun Zwei Leumi, currently Bharat I Chaudhary, Subwarden, Mining House. W&M lovers tiff? hold the highest positions in the Israeli-political structure. Rachel, Rachel, we must have Finally, Mr Nelkon's claim that the 'distressing cases Rachel!-RH. of brutality by Israeli soldiers are breaches of and represent It's 12.30am. Can Mark go to bed the antithesis of Israeli government policy' seems a bit now? Misrepresent- odd in the face of Mr Rabin's declared policy of 'might, power and beatings', a policy which replaced an earlier, We love Rayleigh House. but not less brutal, 'shoot to kill' policy administered in Who will it be Wendy, a gnome or the occupied territories. an elf? ing the facts? Yours sincerely, Attractive chemist (female) with M Bulbul, Mech Eng 2. spacious Putney flat, good knowledge Dear Judith, of organic reaction mechanisms and chocolate fetish seeks Thomas D12 for Mr Nelkon's letter 'Answering the opinion' was, to say meaningful but short-term relationship. the least, interesting. Not only did the letter lack How many times can you do it in objectivity, logic and sensitivity to the plight of the two days? Palestinians, but it contained a great deal of Shocked misrepresentation of facts. XXXXX—Breath, you make me so jealous when you fool around with Firstly, it is clear to any detached observer that Israel Dear Judith, Guys. Come tonight, wearing those occupied, not entered as Mr Belkon wishes us to believe, You can imagine my surprise when some of Mr figure-hugging swimming trunks, and I the West Bank and Gaza strip in 1967. This 'benevolent' Shanley's tips actually won this week, that is all except might forgive you. occupation has resulted in the imprisonment of tens of the one I backed which lost by a 'short neck'. Luckily, Basil, make sure the hamster is thousands of inhabitants, most of these being detained I saw the funny side of it! careful when he plays with the mouse. without trial, the deportation of over 2,000 Palestinians Cheers, Salad Run DCO-next sortie a from their own land as a punishment for opposing Israel's Not Paul Shanley. sundae run. The Penthouse Club.

38 Wednesday 23rd March 1988 FELIX N-you're my hero. I'd paddle away (the early bird and all that!), then continue right through with you any day! Love A. the weekend, without even coming up for air. Fiona's looking backwards to another Don't forget boys, small-fry get eaten alive. meal Simon. Permit problem 'May the Jaws be with you!' Why was it snowing in Savi's room? SharkSoc. Simon and Savi—I know what a Dear Judith, fork's for now—Emma. Re. The Parking Situation at Imperial College Fiona and Claire—you can't sua The It has come to my attention that the parking situation evidence has been destroyed. in IC grounds, at present very far from ideal, could be Jaws 2 What's the 2nd loudest thing in improved by three simple methods: College? 2nd floor 18 Ongar Road. 1. Removing all burnt-'out shells of cars in College wasting spaces, ie one white Hillman Imp to name but one. Dear Gauntlet Club, Emma—shouldn't you invest in some more knicker elastic? (Beit Hall cocktail 2. Limit parking permits to students who live outside With regard to your challenge of Friday 11th March party!. the Westminster and Kensington/Chelsea boroughs. 1988, we should be delighted to take part in a competition 3. Have a more democratic allocation procedure in accordance with the following rules: Tim and Dave and coffee machine=physical night of passion. whereby ordinary students ie non-Union hacks, have an 1. The contest to take place between 8pm and 8am on equal chance to obtain a permit. a weekday night to be nominated during next term. Yishu-stop molesting Chem Eng 1. It is hoped that IC will meet the demand for parking 2. Photographic evidence, including evidence of date, Q: Who wanted a certain nubile permits because they cannot provide adequate eg, that day's newspaper, to be taken during attack phase. young American body? accommodation services. Due to the lack of appropriate 3. Points to be awarded per target with bonuses for A: Nigel the frustrated Welshman of accommodation in Central London many people are forced multiple targetting, unusual objection, etc. Physics 1. to live further away, thus requiring transport to travel to 4. Teams to consist of two hand-picked sharks. Stutti. Laura and Menage (a troisl? and from College. 5. Fins optional. T Bag—the time of the great brew The present situation whereby several residents of 6. No substitutes or support teams to be allowed—you're approaches. Southside/Tizard etc, have permits, is ridiculous. on your own! Residents' parking permits can easily be obtained from 7. Venue at discretion of individual teams. Get Otto; it's cheaper than toilet paper. the appropriate London borough and the few permits We look forward to hearing from you next term. allocated to the Union could be distributed to those living Yours sincerely, Book your jelly and ice-cream party further away. now! Free silly cake, silly banners and The Penthouse Club. panda pop Contact Cliquey Caterers Yours sincerely, Linstead—the specialists. Names withheld by request. Tizard Hall—the place to go for one can of beer and one ugly girl between twenty parties—B Bros Inc. Another Vodka Desperate, lonely or just downright ugly? Join the Tizard boys—B Bros Inc. College inferno Underwear throwing service: Apply Own and Ndo. Dear Judith, and tonic It is not only the Lyon-Playfair Library which is Owen: You can have the whips back if you promise to show me how to use overheated and poorly ventilated (Letters, FELIX, March them properly—Giggles. 11). Coming from Exhibition Road into the Mechanical Dear Judith Darling, Engineering Building every morning is like walking into A funny thing happened to me the other day. Half way 14, 23'/2, 21, 7, 13, 67 and now 101! a hothouse, regardless of the outside temperature. The lab through a bottle of Smirnoff it suddenly struck me that Q: Is it possible for the 2nd Century in which I work, on the 4th floor of Mech Eng, is only the reason you had so many letters at the end of the term to be better than the 1st? bearable in shirtsleeves with the windows wide open. was because it was the perfect opportunity to slag someone A: Yes!! Last winter I suffered this in silence, but a couple of off without giving them a chance to reply. Obviously I To our bored housewife: Many weeks ago decided to contact the Energy Management wished to grab such a rare opportunity with both hands, thanks—may your milk bottles never be Section to ask if they could turn down the heating. but unfortunately I couldn't think of anyone, so I threw empty—The Dairy. Admittedly they did send someone round to check the up on my bed instead. Luckily, my duvet saw the funny Did you get the message Linstead? room temperature, but whoever had briefed him had said side. B Soc. that I wanted the heating turned up! Having sorted out Yours, Wanted: for sincere and loving this misunderstanding I was hopeful of some improvement, Miss Kate McHughie. relationship—bulldozer. Must be willing but the heating still has not been noticeably turned down. to share room. Apply D Tyler, Guilds Apart from this profligate waste of energy, stuffy, Office. overheated surroundings are more conducive to sleep than IG loves Vlad xxx. research work and are particularly uncomfortable for How many calories are there in anyone suffering from one of the numerous cold viruses SLAGging off sperm? which stalk institutions during the winter months. As Julian For sale: squeaky bed (due to Henson said, something must be done about it. complaints from neighbours) or will Yours sincerely, Dear Judith, exchange for non-squeaky model. Apply K Taylor, R/A, CFDU. I am so pleased and happy that James Papa is at Imperial Showersoc, 216 HG. College. What's small, red-haired and doesn't I have for some time been contemplating coming out live at 127 HG? Don't know, but it's of the closet (where I am hiding with nearly four hundred noisy! Luv Chopper xxx. of my close friends), and it is entirely due to him that I Is it an avalanche? Is it an Jaws 1 have decided: earthquake? No, it's a Showersoc 1. Not to come out. meeting. Dear Judith, 2. Not to attend any SLAGS meetings. Message to Tony from showersoc: We nearly had a collective heart attack (v serious) when 3. Not to be gay. No we didn't use the soap we read the letter from The Gauntlet Club last FELIX. Nice try James. The Penthouse Club has annexed Who are these amateurs? Yours sincerely, Westfield. We, at SharkSoc, began our prowl on Thursday night Ex-gay IC student

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