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How Does Gender Matter for Who We Want and Desire?

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How Does Gender Matter for Who We Want and Desire? CHAPTER 5 How Does Gender Matter for Who We Want and Desire? The Gender of Sexuality When was the first time you knew about something out there called sex? How did you figure out what sex was, and was that initial picture right? Can you answer the question for yourself now? What is sex? What’s the difference between having sex, doing sex, and being sexual? What kind of people were involved in your initial picture of sex? Women, men, young people, old people, attractive people, white people? Who are appropriate partners for sexual relationships, and how are they different from appropriate partners for friend- ship or romantic relationships? How are sex, love, and attraction all related to each other? What makes someone homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual? Does having sex with some- one of the opposite sex make you heterosexual? Does having sex with someone of the same sex make you homosexual? Is being heterosexual something you do (have sex with people of the opposite sex) or something you are (a basis for identity)? Can you be straight at one point and then gay at another within the course of one lifetime? What are all the different possible ways in which we could create categories around sexuality, and would they all have to do with sex category or gender? How does sexuality overlap with other institutions, like marriage and the family? Are there differences in the ways you experience sex based on your gender? How would you draw a line around the parts of who you are that have to do with your sexuality and the parts that don’t? Or is it even possible to isolate sexuality in that way? And how would those parts of you connected to sexuality overlap with those parts of you that are connected to gender? What would any of these things—sex, sexuality, feeling sexual—mean in a world without gender? Can you answer any of the questions we’ve posed without referring in some way to gender? What are the ways in which gender and sexuality are related? As we’ll explore in this chapter, it’s difficult to have much of a conversation about gender without also talking about issues of sexuality, even if we may not be quite sure about what we mean by sexuality. Sexuality is something that’s discussed throughout this book. In this chapter, we’ll take a more intentional and in-depth look at the specific topic of sexuality and 169 170 PART II HOW ARE OUR LIVES FILLED WITH GENDER? how it relates to gender and we’ll begin to look for the answers to some of the questions we’ve posed. Sexuality, as you may have begun to see in the previous list of questions, can include a broad range of behaviors, feelings, and identities, and almost all of them have some kind of gendered dimension in Anglo-European societies. As we will explore in this chapter, the way we feel sexually and the ways in which we are expected to act sexually are determined in important ways by our gender. In addition, the way we understand categories of sexuality in Anglo-European societies are also dependent upon the existence of catego- ries of sex and gender; a society without sex categories or gender would be a society without homosexuals, heterosexuals, or bisexuals. A world without gender or sex categories would be a world in which the way we thought about sexuality would look very different from our current modes of thinking, and this begins to suggest the deep interconnections between these two concepts. Before we dive into this complicated discussion, it might be useful to establish some working terminology. In the English language, the word sex is an especially confusing one. It can refer to the biological category to which you are purported to belong based on your anatomy, chromosomes, or hormones (male or female). It can also refer to any kind of act which is deemed to be sexual in nature, though usually when people talk about having sex, they are referring to heterosexual intercourse (a penis penetrating a vagina). As we discussed in Chapter 1, in this book when we’re referring to the first definition of sex (male and female), we generally use the term sex category. Sex then becomes any act that is defined as sexual—which has the potential to become much broader than just intercourse. We’ll use sexual identity to refer to the particular category into which people place themselves based on the current, Anglo-European division of the world into heterosexuals, homosexu- als, and bisexuals. We use this term in part because it avoids the implications of more com- mon terms like sexual orientation or sexual preference, the first of which often presumes something one was born with and the second, a choice one makes about whom to have sex with. As we’ll see in this chapter, for sociologists the question is less about why some people are gay or straight and more about why those questions seem so important to us in the first place—which often involves looking at where the categories gay and straight came from to begin with. As with other identities such as race and gender, the important question for sociologists is not why someone is African American or feminine, but where those particu- lar set of options came from and what their implications are for our social lives. Come up with your own definition of sex and sexuality. Does your definition emphasize feelings, identity, emotions, behaviors, or some combination of all ? of the above? Is gender or sex category a part of your definition? Sexual identity, then, avoids a lot of complicating issues we’ll discuss in determining who is homosexual or heterosexual by defining sexuality based on how an individual identifies him- or herself. This leaves us with the last term to define: sexual desire. This term is perhaps the most difficult. What exactly does it mean to feel sexual desire? Is it the spe- cific desire to be engaging in a sexual act, or is it more generally the way one feels in her CHAPTER 5 How Does Gender Matter for Who We Want and Desire? 171 or his body? Does sexual desire have to be aimed at some particular person or thing, what Freud would call the love object? Is sexual desire best measured biologically (through pulse rate or blood flow to genitalia) or by asking someone whether or not they feel aroused? These are just a few of the questions that make it so difficult to define sexual desire, and we haven’t even touched on how the categories of sex category, gender, and sexual identity complicate these questions. Is the sexual desire experienced by males or females, men or women, or homosexuals or heterosexuals somehow different? For our purposes, we’ll define sexual desire as a combination of objective physical responses and subjective psychological or emotional responses to some internal or external stimulus. Sexual desire certainly has a physical component, but as we will discuss in more depth, it can also be deeply influenced by our culture, which can instruct us in when, where, and with whom it is appropriate to feel sexual desire. DOES SEXUALITY HAVE A GENDER? In his essay on the relationship between gender, sex, and sexuality, John Stoltenberg (2006) began by imagining a world without sex categories or gender. In this world, the inhabitants emphasized the way in which every person was unique—unique in their genitalia, their particular mix of hormones, their DNA, and their reproductive capability. When a baby was born in this imaginary world, there was no announcement of “It’s a boy” or “It’s a girl,” which emphasizes membership in a particular category of people who are presumed to be alike. Rather, they celebrated any newborn with an especially rare mix of chromosomes or genitalia or hormones as yet another indication of how unique every individual was. Though in this world, individuals were born with a wide range of different types of genital tissue, they emphasized the common origins of all these different organs in a prenatal nub of embryonic tissue called a genital tubercle. Thinking in this vein, these individuals were likely to focus on the fact that what someone else felt in their genital tubercle was probably very similar to what they felt in their own genital tubercle because their common origins meant that all these different types of organs were wired in fairly similar ways (p. 254). In Stoltenberg’s (2006) imaginary world, then, there are no sex categories. There are no males with penises or females with vaginas or intersexed people who don’t seem to fit into either category. There are just highly unique people who are different each from the other in a broad variety of ways. What does sex itself look like in this world without sex catego- ries? The individuals in this world have sex without having a sex category. They have “roll- ing and rollicking and robust sex, and sweaty and slippery and sticky sex, and trembling and quaking and tumultuous sex, and tender and tingling and transcendent sex” (p. 254). They have sex that involves their genital tubercles, but also sex that involves many other body parts. What is important in Stoltenberg’s imaginary world is that in their erotic lives, these people are not acting out their status in any particular category when they have sex. They are not required to act in feminine or masculine ways while they are having sex; they are free to simply be themselves as genuine individuals.
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