Aarons Valentines Day List of Smut
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Issue 08 15/2/13 The Courchevel Enquirer I think I’m going to be sick..... A note from the editor Although there were plenty of examples of sweet and playful gestures going on around resort, including a game of woo (a sort of valentines secret santa) amongst Supertravel staff where amongst other gifts a single serving of beef stroganoff was secretely passed between them. Personally I think the best way to celebrate the over commercialised day is to have an anti-valen- tines edition. So, in my opinion, bah humbug, romance is dead and love stinks especially when it’s rebuffed from everyone to who it is meaningfully aimed. So don’t expect any lovey dovey stories beyond this point it’s going to be a bumpy ride. What to continue? as you wish... If I was at least 20 years younger and 20 years more chavy when I said this week was SICK I might be talking about the knarly snow conditions instead of what the older actual age me is meaning. By which I mean not crazy, cool or insane but Yes it’s time to talk about vomit, upchuck, barfage, hurlage, ralphage, purgage, pukage, horkage or spewage oooooorrr to be more colourful to toss ones cookies, lose ones lunch, toss a pavement pizza, tango with the toilet, have a technicolor yawn, bare ones guts to the world, revisit ones breakfast, drive the porcelain bus, perform peristaltic pyrotechnics, burp to the ninth power, greet your guts or my personal favourite praying to the porce- lain god. Thanks to an old friend (or should that be nemesis), Mr Genepi and a relatively new friend, who ordered said genepi at the end of an evening of “not a large one just a quick drink” drinking I had to make the fast dash to the smallest room in the middle of the night were I got to relive a stomach full of tapenade. Now I don’t know about you but I don’t like how it feels when my stomach feels like it’s physically trying to get out of my body via my mouth. So, generally, thanks to getting slightly older continued on back page THE SNOW COUGAR is hibernating this week WATCH OUT FOR THE SNOW BADGER What more could you have wanted for Valentine's Day than bovine tuberculosis? This is the romantically packaged venereal possibility greeting one unsuspecting guest this Hallmarked morning. All she wanted was a gentle march along to some southern Californian hip-hop, yet ended up marching silently past the Chabichou to the darkest, most virile corner of 1850 where, rumour has it, no-one can hear you scream. The deal was sealed after said badger vomited voluminously and repeatedly outside Ku De Ta (spar- ing the sofas at the back this time) and whispered quietly to the guest, through bile-stained teeth, "my biggest skill in life, apart from teaching chemistry, is finger-banging...". What a catch. Concrete playgrounds or subterranean Anemone burrows - this badger seems at home in a growing number of Alpine environments - it needs to be put down. Badger, beware... To find out which bands are playing in which Apres ski live music bar at what times. every Weekday Happy Hour 1600-1700 Visit my-courchevel.co.uk Monday Night Live Music Wednesday Night Guest DJ Thursday Night Seasonnaire Night THE!LONELY!ISLAND Saturday Night live comediens making comedy records with colaborations including Justin Timberlake and AKON. What can go wrong? absolutely nothing. Over 1 bil- lion views. Watch any of the following. Cronic-what cals of Narnia, Jizzed in my pants, IÕ m on a boat, 3 way, Dick in a box, I just had sex, YOLO SIå N LEWIS BSc, MCSP, Dip AP Sports Phys CALL FOR CONSULTATION OR MASSAGE CHRISTOPHER MAHER 06 68 57 00 99 BSc, MSCP WARNING - THIS PAGE CONTAINS SOME VERY ADULT CONTENT AND IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE WEAK OF HEART. Aarons Valentines day list of smut Endless winterÕ s walrus of love (deviant) hands out every- thing you need to know about freaky sexual stuff that will probably make your girlfriend dump you quicker than you can say hotpocket. The Angry Pirate. The act of receiving oral sex while standing up right, ending with the receiver not only shooting his sperm rocket into one of the giver's eyes, but also kick- ing the giver in one of his/her shins, thereby hindering the giver with a "peg leg" and a defunct eye. The Angry Dolphin involves normal sex, as in where the "hrum" is in the "vageen", and the man proceeds to pull out and insert into the woman's ass. Angered, the woman responds with the yelling of "Enh! Enh! Enh! Enh!!!!" This is basically the sound a dolphin makes. Assuming the chic isnt into anal, she will emit this sound with much anger, but you'll probably do it anyway....because deep down she really wants it. The Angry Dragon. Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon. The Strawberry Shortcake. The action in which the male ejaculates on his partner's face, and then the male punches his partner's nose, which causes blood to stream forth. The semen and blood fluids create a red and white image, just like the icing and filling of a strawberry shortcake. The Houdini. As a man reaches climax whilst in the "doggie style" position, the man pulls out and spits on their partner's back, fooling them into thinking that he has ejaculated, however, when their partner turns around, the man lets loose his baby yoghurt in his partner's face. The Rusty Trombone. To get rimmed whilst receiving a hearty reach round, thus resembling a trombone player in full chorus. The Abe Lincoln. When an unconscious person gets jizzed on their face, gets their pubes cut and applied to their face to form a beard, then adorned with a top hat. Dirty Sanchez is commonly mistaken to be an act where the fecal matter is purposefully smeared onto a partner's upper lip. It describes the act of leaving a fecal matter "moustache" on a partner's face by taking the penis out of the anus and putting it in the mouth without wiping it off first. The result is that as the penis is thrust between the lips, fecal matter is scraped off and comes to rest on the upper lip in a moustache configuration. The Alabama Hot Pocket is a special fetish manoeuvre that roughly involves taking a shi.... Not even I will print this. Trust me you donÕ t want to know. and slightly more sensible, (who am I kidding, compared to most of you I’m a fucking OAP) I don’t eat foods that don’t agree with me or drink to such an excess which will result in you know what. If any one had seen Monty Pythons meaning of life my genepi shot was the equivalent to Monsieur Creosote’s “wafer thin mint”. But enough about me. I heard about Emma who while on the physios table in Le Praz and suddenly felt the urge to evacuate her stomach contents. (it’s even funnier if you imagine this while having the Benny Hill music playing in the background) What followed was an attempt to either open the window or find a bag like device. I’m also intrigued to know if there is some special secret pressure point that physios learn that, for comedy value causes the patient to puke. Anyway this leads me on the last story and one of the best, and also one of he most terrible stories I’ve ever heard. The gentleman is question, although after hearing what happens it’s hard to use that description, is Chris, the stary tattooed lothario from the ski lodge in La Tania who was plea- suring one of his more mature lady friends when he didn’t so much shot his load over her, more like gave her what is known as a Roman shower. Now when I first heard this, my mind, as I’m sure yours is too, tried to visualise the best and worst positions and scenarios. Although I think we’ve all come to conclusion that using the “best” word in this case doesn’t do it justice. So the best (for the female) would have been if coitus was doggy style and the woman felt a wet splash on her back, before the accompanying smell permeated her nostrils, must have thought he had pulled out and “arrived” all over her. THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. So what can only be described as the worst thing to happen to someone involved in the sweet and tender act of love making is to vomit on to the chest and face of someone who, also most likely had her mouth open at the time and then having to deal with the accompanied nausea/freak out/picking pieces of carrots out of your hair. I would also like to thank the internet’s urban dictionary for it’s support. Quote of the week “I would never defile something so beautiful” Jen(Whitestorm) stops fantasing about Tom from La Tania Headlines from the real world The pope retires Although many other popes have been “retired” in the past. None have lived to tell the tale. Which begs the question what does a pope do after he retires? Does he still get to wear that hat? Oscar Pestorius arresting for shooting his girlfriend Witnesses said when the gun shots was heard they saw the disabled athlete sprinting away.