The Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW JOURNALISM Le Monde de Merde AND THE LUST Vol. 24, No. 1 January 31, 2015 Priceless FOR GREEN Krewe du Vieux “Begs For Change” Jim Aiken To Discharge Royal Duties They seem to be everywhere … grabbing cap couldn’t supply enough cubes for your attention any way they can … barely Happy Hour. avoiding being run over … begging you Cubans danced in the streets of Havana to part with your treasure … but enough after Obama announced the easing of about Mardi Gras -goers and U.S. restrictions, but Cubans in Miami Louisiana politicians! (and Republicans in Congress) insisted Unfortunately, no amount of begging he had been Castroted. The GOP was could stop the relentless onslaught equally outraged when Saudi Arabia of campaign commercials; the vast announced plans to try two women, amounts of cash spent during the 2014 arrested for the heinous crime of driving, elections proved that beggars could in terrorism court (except for those indeed be schmoozers. And large change Republicans with ties to big oil). was definitely in the air. Louisiana Here in Louisiana, brain-eating Parade Route of the Krewe du Vieux, Saturday, January 31, 2015 at 6:30 PM voters inexplicably decided to send amoebas infiltrated the water system infected shoot-from-the-hipsters, a undoubtedly beg for sexual favors as they Frankenstein’s bride to the U.S. in the state capitol complex, where new breed of carpetbeggars that spread each present their own game-changing Senate, completing its change from Blue they promptly starved to death. The gentrification, tattoos and bad fashion interpretations of the theme. Subkrewes to Red. Voters fed up with gridlock made proliferation of fracking produced throughout the city. Another year include the Krewe of C.R.U.D.E., Krewe a statement by voting to ensure it would more gas than the legislative session, went by without adoption of the new of Space Age Love, Krewe of Underwear, get worse. Irrevocably weakened by though less damage. And Governor Incomprehensible Zoning Ordinance. Seeds of Decline, Krewe of Mama Roux, the results, President Yomama meekly Bobby “Bombay” Gindoll was against And bike lanes popped up everywhere: Krewe of L.E.W.D., Krewe of Drips accepted his new status by issuing major everything that might help the state, even overcrowded downtown streets, the new and Discharges, Krewe of K.A.O.S., decrees on immigration, the Internet, though he used to be for it. Seems he was Indy Car race track on New Orleans East, Knights of Mondu, T.O.K.I.N., Krewe foreign policy, climate change, and the born under a bad science. and even in some of the city’s larger Rue Bourbon, Krewe de C.R.A.P.S., most pressing issue of the day, who Senator Vitter, observing how well potholes. Mystic Krewe of Spermes, Mystik should be the next American Idol. the tactic worked for the governor, The more things changed, the more Krewe of Comatose, Mystic Krewe of Also in Washington, the Senate launched his campaign for the same seat they stayed the same …. Inane, Krewe du Mishigas, and Krewe released a report describing CIA torture by following same pathetic flip-flopping Riding the winds of change, and of SPANK. tactics used to interrogate possible path. Apparently he too has no common begging no one’s pardon, the changelings, Also marching will be many of the Islamic terrorists, but listening to Mitch core beliefs. secret agents of change and sex changers city’s top brass bands. Showcasing the McConnell was deemed too inhumane Closer to home, Mayor Mitch “Son of Krewe du Vieux will take to the local brass band talent is one of the few even for these suspects. And Metairie of Moon” Landrieu fared better than streets of the Marigny, French Quarter Krewe du Vieux traditions that has not Congressman Steve Scalise was elected his sister, being re-elected in a close and CBD (Change-Begging District) been declared blasphemous by the ISIS House Whip, allowing him to indulge his race against several candidates a few on Saturday, January 31 at 6:30 PM . cow-lick-phat. secret fantasies, some of which probably people vaguely remembered hearing of Spectators are advised to bring a change The Krewe du Vieux is a nonprofit involve friends of Metairie Senator somewhere. He immediately assumed of Underwear, some spare change, and organization dedicated to the historical David Vitter. absolute control of everything. Too beware of beggary. and traditional concept of a Mardi Gras Elsewhere on the planet, Putin’s bad he didn’t work in the NOPD Sex Discharging the royal duties for parade as a venue for individual creative aggression left the Ukraine singing Crimes Unit, where nobody apparently the parade will be Dr. Jim (and Mr. expression and satirical comment. It is “Crimea River”. The Russian president’s took control of anything. The crime Jimmy) Aiken, who will be dripping unique among all Mardi Gras long lost Jamaican half-brother, Ras- problem in general Serpassed even what with enthusiasm, highly medicated and because it alone carries on the old Putin, followed up by announcing plans the mayor could tolerate, leading to the prepared for any emergency. King Jim’s traditions, by using decorated, to annex Haiti. The Islamic State put selection of a new chief (though not a invaluable contributions to KdV over hand or mule-drawn floats with satirical the “hate” in caliphate, but despite its new suit) and twelve new initiatives many years will culminate in the ultimate themes, accompanied by costumed prohibition on drinking, by the end of with catchy names like “NOLA for indignity of riding the royal float. revelers dancing to the sounds of jazzy the year was getting bombed regularly. Life”, “Travel in Packs” and We’ve Tried The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen street musicians. We believe in exposing Global climate change reached the Everything Else So This Better Work”. subkrewes will beg the question, beg the world to the true nature of Mardi Gras point where the remaining polar ice The ENOLA virus was spread by for indulgences, beg to differ, and – and in exposing ourselves to the world. – 1 – The Emergency King Jindal for President He’s the founder of a KdV subkrewe. more than something to carry our “The other years, I really preferred For the fi rst time in its 25-year history, He’s been Ball Captain and Vice throws. We knew how to use scalpels, marching on the streets with my the Monde de Merde is making a Captain. He is co-owner of the Krewe’s but hammers, not so much.” subkrewe. This time I only agreed to political endorsement: Louisiana home base, the Den of Muses. Most By the next year the King had been be considered because I saw who else Governor Bobby Jindal for President. relevant of all, he is one of the leading cajoled into being the Ball Captain, was being nominated and was pretty He may be a too coy goy boy toy emergency room physicians in the a job he held for some five years, sure I wouldn’t be elected,” explains to come right out and say it, but the city. Now Jim Aiken has descended to serving as Vice Captain (and doing a this duke of self-deprecation. “But I galloping guv has been ogling the oval that least exalted of Krewe du Vieux masterful job of ensuring as much vice did about this being the tenth offi ce for over a year. And he is willing ranks, King of the 2015 parade. in the Krewe as possible) for the last of anniversary of Katrina, and both the to sacrifi ce every last man, woman, “I don’t get overwhelmed very those years. One of his favorite (not to role I played in getting the health care child, alligator – indeed, every living often,” remarked his hirsute highness, mention few) memories of those days system back up and running and the thing in the state of Louisiana in “but there are times when I am just in is from 1996, when the Vieux Doo was role Krewe du Vieux played in helping service of his naked, and almost awe over this.” descended upon by limo-riding NFL raise people’s spirits. certainly fruitless, ambition. Given the battered bodies, the types because the Super Bowl parties “One of my proudest Krewe This makes Bobby Jindal purely and mind-blowing overdoses, the bizarre were a complete bore in comparison. moments ever was when we marched simply evil. objects in bizarre places that the King Today our emergency room emir in 2006, the fi rst parade after Katrina. It also makes him the Monde de has seen in his days (and we’re only practices in and serves as the Associate Drips stopped in front of the old Merde’s clear choice for President. talking about the parade here), Dr. Jim Director for Emergency Services in the folks home on Royal right before Anything that will get him as far away is indeed the very defi nition of calm. Emergency Department at the LSU Frenchmen, and I could see tears in from Louisiana as possible, we’re in Our medicinal monarch’s affi liation Trauma Center and does additional people’s eyes because they were so favor of. with KdV began in 1993, when he saw emergency medical consulting. In this happy to see us.” And if not the United States, perhaps an ad for tickets to the Vieux Doo. “I capacity, he participated in the transition Even so, the King minimizes his Liberia …. called to get some more information, from the state subsidized state hospital importance of his role in the parade. and Ray [“Plaine” Kern, captain at system to a private management model. “To me, what’s behind the King is the time] asked me if I could form a King Jim says “While I’m in favor of what’s important,” he says firmly, accompany the monarchal merriment). group to be in the parade. This was the private management model for the though he does acknowledge that He may not be changing beads into mid-December, but I said sure.” operations of the LSU Hospital and “Leading this crowd down the street gold, or water into whiskey – but it Operating as chief of the emergency looking forward to the opening of the is pretty cool!” probably won’t take much begging to department at Touro Hospital at the new hospital, I’m very concerned that Befi tting his medical magic, there gain a few royal favors. time, King Jim promptly began asking the lack of Medicaid expansion within will be a touch of alchemy in his So, come out to the streets on fellow ER staff if they wanted to be part the Affordable Care Act will further parade-night presentation, and of January 31 and join in the salute to of the fun (and threatening to cancel limit access to care to those who most sorcery in the costuming of his true Krewe du Vieux royalty, a hero their prescriptions if they refused). need it”. Tonya (who will also be responsible of post-Katrina health care, and a truly Jim’s wife and royal consort Tonya This makes King Jim even happier for managing the collection of royal nice guy: our unassuming King Doctor also enrolled some of her friends, about his plans to transition away gifts and paraphernalia that inevitably Alchemist Magician Jim Aiken. which turned out to be just slightly from the administrative roles he has easier than enrolling in Obamacare. filled since Katrina, and towards “We had to come up with a name for more clinical time. With the parade Krewe du Vieux Doo Saturday, January 31 our krewe, and I had just completed fast approaching, this is critically Doors open 9:00 PM a long shift where I was seeing important, as there is no telling how nothing but gonorrhea and other many Krewe members will need CIVIC THEATER pelvic discharges, and I came up medical attention at some point in 510 O’Keefe Avenue with the name on the spot,” recalls the evening. Indeed, the King has featuring in order of appearance our surgical sultan. Thus was born been called upon to aid the occasional the Krewe of Drips and Discharges. balance-challenged and/or over-served Kirk Joseph “That was the year that the old-line partyer more than once in the past …. and The Change Makers parades had been shut down, so we There have been several previous with special guest James “12” Andrew went as the out-of-work maids and attempts to persuade Dr. Jim to Late Night Music by Gravy butlers of the Comus, Momus and be Krewe royalty, but our modest Proteus members,” he remembers monarch had always declined. What TICKETS $40 Available from Krewe du Vieux members fondly. “Our fl oat was really nothing was different this year? – 2 – Underwear Bulldozes for Change UBERVILLE – Invaded by hoards cranes), hard-hatted, hard-headed stores that hipsters patronize so “The development wouldn’t be of homogenized hipsters, New Orleans Underwearians are tearing up as much slavishly. A partial list includes the complete without some illegal is in grave danger of seeing its funky classic housing stock as possible Potty Barn, Trader Ho’s, UnBalanced short-term rentals,” added Ms. Hoh, neighborhoods sterilized like so and reconstructing it into tres chic Shoe Outlet, Whorestrom’s, Roach, displaying plenty of skin along with many welfare moms. Gentrifi cation apartments and condos. Ickya, JScrewed, Tommy Yomama, plans for the UnderwAir B&B. “You is spreading like an ENOLA virus, “Our biggest project is bulldozing Zeropostale, and Uberzombie & can even rent our units by the hour.” as housing prices rise, live music is that tacky housing development near Bitch. Uberville is clearly designed to suppressed, chain restaurants and the French Quarter and erecting “Why would anyone want to shop build on the success of, and compete stores proliferate, and local color the Uberville Condom-miniums,” at a unique, locally-owned business with, the recently opened Hipsterwalk is whitewashed by modern mono- announced lacily-clad spokeswoman with distinctive and even hand-made Outlet Mall. However, Underwearian culturalism. Ima Hoh, formerly of the Hoh Brothers products when you can make your developers hope to outstrip the Always willing to ride on the Erection Company, noted for its purchases at monolithic, sterile chain Hipsterwalk. “We’ll put our tools up waves of change – especially when insertion of the sprawling, suburban- stores?” sniffed Ms. Hoh. “What against anyone’s,” purred Ms. Hoh. there might be some spare change to style medical center into the heart of makes us hipsters different is that we The Krewe of Underwear will be pick up along the way – the Krewe the city. “What’s the value of historic all look exactly, like, the same.” showing off its equipment, displaying of Underwear is capitalizing on the buildings, centuries-old cemeteries Local dining establishments will its erections, pulling its chains, and latest urban renewal trend. Having and magnifi cent oak trees compared also be excluded in favor of chain hipsterizing everything in its path assembled a battalion of heavy to giant, boxy towers?” restaurants. Among those slated to during the Krewe du Vieux parade equipment (including bullshitdozers, In addition to ridiculously overpriced locate in Uberville are Bonerfi sh Grill, on January 31. on-your-backhoes, jackoffhammers, condos and apartments, the Uberville Chipotleaves, Kentucky Gentrified excrement mixers, and Blakely site will include many of the outlet , Starsucks, and Vagina Bread. Comatose Presents Fifty States of Gay OSOGAY STREET – The American their fl oat is being built. Interstate rubyfruit seductress will certainly conservative Utah can fi nally reveal people are demanding gay marriage. commerce is brisk and full faith and squeeze the juice out of Miss Florida. their “Latter Gay Saints” to the world. The boisterous gay mating call has credit are being freely exchanged. Look for lots of fondling as the Equally fascinating is the battle to been heard over our fruited hills and Overheard recently: various States of excitement meet see which of our United States will be across amber, lilac and chartreuse “I plan to wear comfortable shoes,” and merge. Expect the liberal right the last to legalize same-sex marriage, waves of grain. bragged Miss Oregon, “and I want to and left coasts of America to moisten the ultimate Booby Prize. With only To satisfy this urge, the Mystick march with Vermont and tell him I the rigid regions north and east of our 14 states left to join the party, all eyes Krewe of Comatose is presenting the love his sticky maple buns.” dysfunctional Louisiana. are on North Dakota, the latecomer upcoming contest for “Gayest State in “Tell Nebraska I am going to Senators in closets and throbbing who has been so busy with all of the USA”. Too big for television, this penetrate him with the long skinny members of Congress suddenly want those cold and lonely single men who historical event will both precede and part of my State,” shouted Oklahoma. to buttress their voter base, begging showed up to work the oil boom that supersede the Super Bowl. The parade “I’m just hot for a Southern State,” to fl y rainbow fl ags. “Booty calls” its gay citizens completely forgot to of buxom beauties will unfold in real purred Miss California, “somewhere instead of roll calls naturally benefi t challenge the marriage ban, preferring time, in the unreal city of New Orleans. mysterious and steamy!” the democratic process. Our most instead to focus on servicing the local Contestants will sashay past thousands “We will compete with dignity and flamboyant Representatives have economy. of spectators on January 31 amidst the without it,” according to spokeswoman even clamored for “role calls” to As a final addition to the strands of DNA affectionately known Ida Ho, a spudly prostitute with eyes act out their favorite movies and sextravaganza, Comatose announced as the Krewe du Vieux. everywhere. musicals. “The hills are alive!” sings its special guests, The Supreme Court “The politicians are booking rooms West coast swingers and a bisexual Pennsylvania, mocking the methane Swingers, who will ride on the fl oat. and hookers like conventioneers!” Bostonian will sashay with a fracking lobby. Justices Scalia and Thomas will exclaimed New Orleans officials. Minnesotan madam as this rainbow- This change is as natural as Senator be using the occasion to announce “Governors are behaving strangely,” hued troupe romps through The Big Larry Craig opening up into “wide their engagement and upcoming one hotelier remarked, “for some Easy. A Hawaiian harlot has her eyes stance” in that airport bathroom nuptials. Of course Roberts and Alito reason they all want to stay at the on an Alaskan Aphrodite so there’s stall. It’s as normal as David Vitter writ their habeus corpus last month YMCA.” bound to be glacial warming. A New hiring a prostitute with the same when Washington DC started issuing Members of Comatose are making Mexican wants to wed an Old Texan name as his wife. It’s a chance to be licenses. love connections left and right while so look for salsa. Rhode Island’s frank with Barney Frank. Why, even

– 3 – Space Age Love Gets High-Drated by I.M Cumming NEW ATLANTIS, LA – The Sea job to ensure all residents achieved Many thought all was lost but not necessary to employ the Space Age Monkey King, the venerable Edwin proper Morgasm for metamorphosis in New Orleans, as Sea Monkeys Love population control krewe to Edwards, sat atop the Superdome – and who better to provide the came out of their euphoric suspended monitor Morgasmic Sea Monkey refl ecting on the day New Orleans necessary wind than the biggest animation and the underwater kingdom activity, which of course required culture and people changed forever. It blowhard in the world, notGoodell called New Atlantis was born. The active participation. was March 15, 2014 and notGoodell, himself. new Underwater Banana Republican After remembering the events of a rare Category 9 Easter Hurricane, Mounds of Morgasmic420 Dust Party named Edwin Edwards King that fateful March of Ides day, King was bearing down on the Crescent were piled across levees and bridges and called for an end to all sexual Edwin looked fondly down on New City with unSaintly speed and evil as the Category 9 blowhard neared and racial prejudice. This was good Atlantis and proclaimed the re-birth blowhard intentions toward the New Orleans. Hurricane notGoodell considering that Sea Moneys have no of Mardi Gras. He further declared WhoDats of the Big Easy. slammed into the coast with the fury sex or race. “I Got My Three Eyes On that the celebration would begin For years South Louisiana had been of a juggernaut. 200 mph winds blew You” became their theme song, and with Krewe du Vieux swimming losing wetlands, and this inflated the Morgasmic420 dust all over the a mantra of frequent Morgasms was through the French Quarter passing disaster of a storm had potential to soon to be underwater Big Easy, required. out Hubig’s Morgasmic420 Pies and be the fi nal blow. Too late to enact infecting the citizens of New Orleans, Soon establishments like Chris Tee Eva’s Seaweed Pralines. Contrary Flow and evacuate the Big and the metamorphosis began. The Owens Blue Crab and Kermit Ruffi ns Space Age Love Sea Monkeys will Easy from the wrath of notGoodell, entire city began having a Morgasm as BBQ Oyster Joint had the Sea Monkeys unite and share their Love Dust with Mayor Rich Landrieu feared that the WhoDats were transformed sexually back to a New Orleans way of life as all New Orleanians on January 31, citizens of the City That Care Forgot and asexually, instantly creating a Sea usual, eating and procreating. Sea 2015 as we swim into the BuyWater were doomed. Monkey Crescent City. Horse Races resumed at the newly and Spawn through the French Quarter City officials and the Whore of Tidal waves of 100 feet wiped out named Monkey Hill Downs and giving Morgasms to unsuspecting Engineers prepared for the worst, what had been South Louisiana and Tipitina’s reopened featuring the victims who soon will experience the until the world-renowned Dr. Momus the nation mourned the loss of New Raw Oyster Cult CD release party Space Age High-Dration euphoria of Alexander Morgus introduced a plan Orleans, the gem at the mouth of the of “Law of the Fish”. Due to very Sea Monkey Love and Morgasm420. to save and transform New Orleans Mississippi. frequent Morgasms, it soon became for eternity. New Orleanians have always been highly adaptable, and Dr. Morgus’ grand scheme was based on the premise that the residents will eat or drink anything. The key to survival was High-Dration, and Dr. Morgus knew the best kind of bud available and a touch of New Orleans fl uids would metamorphose the city and be its only chance to survive. The plan was immediately put into action. Hawaiian Ganja, water from Bayou St. John and Absinthe were blended to make the dust known as Morgasm420, which when combined with water from the Gulf of Mexico would transform humans into Sea Monkeys. Dr. Morgus’ only dilemma was how to get a critical mass of residents to have a Morgasm at the same time, thus maximizing its metamorphic effect. New Orleans’ only chance was it needed a giant blow

– 4 – Krewe of Spermes Launches Dickstarter Campaign AT THE CUMPUTER – The Krewe “Releasing a bunch of sperm on Nads said. “It’s a huge scam made ($500 level) get all that plus a steak of Spermes has always turned to the the streets isn’t as easy as it looks,” easy by a professional sounding dinner, blow job with swallow and Internet for physical stimulus, and Yuzzer said. “Every year it gets a little webpage and video. What Dickstarter pair of dirty panties. The deluxe now it’s looking for fi scal rewards bit harder to do it by ourselves. We’ve does is shift the outreach to horny “Around the World” suite ($10,000 as well. The krewe is initiating a been groping for some up front oral strangers — a very reliable online and up) also includes a rusty trombone Dickstarter campaign to make sure it commitments. It’s not too much to community.” and the Charlie Sheen package (which is ready to roll (and get rolled) in 2015. ask. Especially for so many people Dickstarter is the premiere adult can be substituted for the Tranny “Fundraising is hard, but Dickstarter who can’t wait to see us coming at online crowd-funding site, and Weekender). For an extra $25 “NSA” makes it easy to make the fi rst move,” the parade.” the krewe’s open-ended strategy fee, donor names will not be posted said Spermes spokesman C. Alice “There are also a lot of hidden costs incorporates other platforms and apps, online. Yuzzer. that have the members digging into including PlayPal, FacialBook and Unlike other crowd-sourcing sites, In addition to tapping new assets, their own pockets – meals, drinks, Twatter. Dickstarter IPO documents all pledges are processed immediately, the campaign will increase the krewe’s sometimes gifts,” Yuzzer added. claim the tech startup has been “making and credit card charges are billed from exposure. Yuzzer acknowledged the krewe is wet dreams come true since 2012.” “Save the Children International, “This is a way for people to breaking up with some past partners Spermes has offered several enticing LLC.” extend their experience and get more who have become withholding and are reward packages and pledge levels. “If this works, we’re going to be involved with our balls and staff and allegedly tired all the time. For a minimum contribution of $5 using Dickstarter a lot more often,” everything,” Yuzzer said. “The Internet never sleeps,” and up, a “Voyeur” receives a used Yuzzer said, adding that Spermes Spermes’ Dickstarter e-mission observed noted URLogist Hugo Nads. condom and a dirty thank you text would be testing the success of its statement says that in addition to “Until now, online crowd-funding message. The $69 “Friends with crowd-fondling experiment in the attracting new partners, the effort will has been the domain of hipsters asking Benefi ts” level includes the text, a Krewe du Vieux parade on January 31. help swell the membership and get friends and family for money they box of tissues and a hand job from them excited about events to come at. have no intention of paying back,” a krewe member. “Sugar Daddies” Krewe Du Mishigas Sends Oyvengers to Quell Protesters GOYTHAM – Normal life in the city radical rallies. The AFA is destroying gutter punks and served them some that “Americans, even educated ones, is being disrupted as the American our peace-loving city. It is time we call tasty matzah brie in the process. do not understand this basic fact about Family Association (AFA), aka Anti on… the Oyvengers.” Jindal was next sighted on the First Amendment: when they used Fun Association, has descended The Mishigas scurried to the Bourbon Street in front of Oz as the word ‘religion,’ the Founders upon the French Quarter begging nearest Port-o-Lets, swapping their AFA protestors held signs that said, meant only Christianity.” for change. Citizens fearful of unruly sweatpants for tights and their tallits “Mardi Gras is demonically evil” With that, the Oyvengers jumped mobs have boarded up homes and for capes. Emerging from the johns and “Gay superheroes are corrupting into action. Appearing suddenly in businesses. Calls for an end to the of the Bywater, these brave men and our children’s souls.” Fighting for a cloud of smoke, Double Chai and AFA actions have fallen on deaf ears. women fanned out across the city to family values, Susan LeFlame of Supa Chai rained joints from the sky Under a veil of darkness, the Krewe spread their message of peace, love Charisma Magazine stood on the like hail from a biblical plague. The du Mishigas gathered at the Den of and JAPpiness. front lines shouting at the rainbow protest quickly turned into a love fest Muses on Royal Street to kvetch. After Their fi rst destination was lower fl ag. Swooping in from the sky, Dr. as everyone in the crowd got chai. lighting the candles and saying the Decatur Street, where Governor Jindal Cocktopus and Mohel Man saved the With the disturbances falling by Sabbath prayers, these trusty citizens – in a rare in-state appearance – shook day, quickly dispersing the crowd with the wayside, the great people of New discussed the challenges ahead. hands with protestors who claimed their offers of discount circumcisions. Orleans were free to return to their “How will we get to the schmooze that “gutter punks were brought to our Several hours later, Jindal turned normal lives. Queen Elisabeth and her next Friday if the streets are blocked city to wage stealth jihad against our up at the Church of Hatred and Oyvengers gathered back at the den off?” asked Joan Rivershack. “What if righteous Christian citizens.” Many Despicable Bigotry, where event to fi nish their fl oat for the upcoming all the Chinese restaurants are closed were seen hurling eggs at the young organizers warned of plagues for Krewe du Vieux parade. Lucky parade on Christmas?” complained Shecky kids and their loving dogs. the disbelievers. President Obama’s goers that show up on the fi nal day of Greenspace. With tensions rising, lightning anti-Biblical messages would January can catch a dreidel or hamsa With chaos looming, King David flashed in the sky. It was Matzah cause tornados, hurricanes, fi re and from their favorite schtuperhero. tried his best to quell his anxious Man and Mama Manna to the rescue. brimstone for anyone who didn’t minions. “Thou hast spoken. We must Blocking the eggs with their matzah swear fealty to the Church. Bryan do something to put an end to these capes, our schtuperheroes saved the Fischer of the AFA repeated his claims

– 5 – Municipal “Error Message” a Part of Life in New Orleans CITY HELL – Some say it started a robot telling me the call could not heard about the bus tracking app. So who oppose my programs for these after the civil war. Others say it was be completed. So I called again. This I checked it out. The thing told me the problems.” after the city was nearly destroyed time the phone just rang and rang. I bus was 2 minutes away, so I put my Mayor Landrieu did more than by Hurricane Katrina. Most seem to guess that’s what they’d call a 504 phone in my pocket. Then I waited assign blame, however. In an effort to believe it has always been this way. error.” 15 minutes. I checked again and it provide the citizens of New Orleans The common thread through all “I was actually robbed the other said the bus was 7 minutes away. with some relief, he contracted the these stories is that the failure of day,” said Uptown resident Laura This time I watched the little pin on city’s tech support services out to the New Orleans’ municipal services, Armand, “so I called the police. The the map jump around the city. Finally talented and politically well-connected colloquially known as a “504” error, man at the other end was very nice, a real bus came, but I was afraid to SPANK Squad. The SPANK Squad, is an integral part of life in this took down my statement and said get on it because the app told me the which was originally formed to rewrite beleaguered Southern metropolis. The they’d come interview me, but when nearest bus was 20 minutes away. I software containing the infamous 504 error code, similar to the common I hung up I realized he’d never asked walked home.” “Y2K” bug, has gained recent fame web browsing error code “404: Page for any of my personal information! The growing number of complaints by disabling North Korea’s Internet Not Found”, has become common in What a total 504 error!” has not fallen on deaf ears. Mitch connection in response to the hermit New Orleans. Instances of 504 errors appear to “Mitchey” Landrieu, mayor of New nation’s attack against a promising “We got that big pothole gushing be on the rise in New Orleans. From Orleans, said, “We know that many Seth Rogen comedy. water at the end of the street,” said mysterious power outages on calm city services, from public education The SPANK Squad can be reached William Dufrene of Gentilly, “you spring mornings to trash left neglected to property assessment, seem to be for assistance through their app, which could fi t a small horse in it. So I called on collection days, it seems more missing. I can assure the people of is due out any day now on most major the Sewerage and Water Board, but all and more of the city’s services are New Orleans that these services smartphones they swear; just hold I got was this weird voice that sounded somehow becoming lost in delivery. are not missing: we are spending tight until then. After all, observed robotic, but not like the telephone Resident James Rousseau related a tremendous amounts of money on Mayor Landrieu “It’s not like ya’ll robot. It sounded like a person with story about local public transit. “See, them. Just look at the budget. I can don’t all have generators anyway.” a Ninth Ward accent pretending to be I take the bus every day, and I just only blame the efforts of politicians

The Tech Guy Tech help for all your TechNOLAgy Brought to you by the SPANK Squad The Tech guy has been getting a lot of cards and letters about 504 errors and various services not being found. In this column I am going to give a general list of common problems that may explain your 504 error or other problem. 1. Does your home have power? This often overlooked issue could be your problem, try logging into the Entergy web site and checking the power outage map, updated hourly. 2. Check your fuse box. If a fuse has blown, check an antique store for a replacement. If you have those fancy breakers, you can have someone stand at the panel and fl ip them back on as they trip. 3. Are there any additional wires or cables lying in the street in the vicinity of your home? A new one might indicate a problem. 4. Check for rats on your phone or power lines. This can cause interference. When clearing them please avoid throwing rock in the direction of parked cars, abandoned ones are okay. 5. Is there an Entergy truck on your street? If so, help is beyond the ability of the SPANK squad. We suggest a novena or voodoo blessing ritual for the City Council Utility, Cable, Telecommunications and Technology Committee. 6. Rearrange the bags of Mardi Gras beads in your attic. Suffi cient quantities of the metallic strands have been known to act like a Faraday shield. 7. Try wrapping pieces of aluminum foil like a fl ag on anything resembling an antenna. 8. Try removing some of the Cat’s Claw vine from anything resembling an antenna. This requires some care, as it may be the only thing keeping your home from an imminent danger of collapse designation. 9. Have you reported the problem to the city’s 311 system? Listening to the enjoyable hold music might be a better activity than you were originally intending. If your problem was attempting to access the 311 system, please refer to the next item. 10. Have you considered that the service you are trying to access may not exist in the fi rst place? Often new technology comes only in the form of hype and rhetoric. Placeholder web pages or voice mail accounts are often included. 11. Can’t fi nd what you need here? Try our special 504 Error website: www.504NotFound.com.

– 6 – Mama Roux Unleashes Genetically Modifi ed Orgasms Monsanteaux. “The Viagranana DEEP IN CITY PARK – The NOPD their pioneering development of replaces the subject’s hair with a lush, serum has contaminated our entire has announced a mandatory citywide Moskitokazes, mosquitoes genetically thick growth of alfalfa sprouts. At fi rst experimental vegetable and curfew beginning immediately after the programmed to dive-bomb abandoned hailed as the answer to world hunger, supply, as well as our lab animals Krewe du Vieux parade on January 31. canoes in Bayou St. John instead of the project hit a snag when taste- and insects. Forget cats and dogs This is the result of an unprecedented biting humans. World-wide fame and testers reported that the lab-grown mating with each other, we’ve got emergency at the Mama Roux Center fortune, however, did not arrive until hair/vegetable “tasted like ass.” cats and cabbages. Our receptionist for Genetic Experiments, located on a the Center developed SmartMeat, a The researchers’ next project, the has divorced her husband and is secluded island in a City Park lagoon. talking beef tenderloin which actually elimination of human farts, met with now engaged to a sentient loblolly According to the Center ’s Interim tells the cook how long to bake it, much greater success and eventually pine tree. My chief gene splicer now University Director (IUD) of clinical and the Frogmato, a frog-tomato gained the Center its fi rst Nosmell has front and back and a trials, Dr. Felix Monsanteaux, the combination which jumps onto a salad Prize. prehensile vagina. This is a man who public may be at risk of extreme sexual plate and turns itself into a bruschetta. The Center’s most recent project, has a Ph.D. from Johns Hopkins, and gratifi cation and even sex addiction as According to Monsanteaux, the however, may be its last. According he literally spent last week fucking a result of genetic modifi cations gone Center’s recent controversy arose when to Monsanteaux, the effort was well- himself.” tragically wrong. the scientists turned their attention to intentioned. “We were working on The NOPD’s Genetic Crime Division The Mama Roux Center for Genetic human genetic modifications. “We the Viagranana to overcome erectile has issued a several guidelines for Experiments, with its substantial managed to raise alligators in the dysfunction. We injected banana seeds protecting yourself from the renegade enDowment, has long been a player in shape of shoes and handbags. We with a virus containing testosterone, Mama Roux staff and the over- the world of experimental mutations. were shipping purple, green and gold which produced a fruit that, when sexed fl ora and fauna, all of which Monsanteaux and his team of mushrooms for Mardi Gras. We’ve eaten, causes an erection lasting up have escaped from the Center and biogeneticists first came to public even developed a nutria-beaver hybrid to four hours.” been spotted at various locations attention with their popular Glow- that rebuilds marshland and then eats So far, so good. But what throughout the city. The public is Pets, genetically modifi ed glow-in- itself. But when you come down Monsanteaux didn’t know was that advised to shelter in place, stay the-dark cats, dogs and hamsters to it, how does this really change Mama Roux’s junior scientists and away from individuals with unusual which perform double duty as both someone’s life for the better?” lab assistants were secretly conducting and/or multiple sex organs, and loveable house pets and energy- In the beginning, Monsanteaux and their own unauthorized experiments avoid purchasing any overly-friendly effi cient night lights. his team concentrated on a top-secret and using themselves as guinea pigs. grocery items. The Center then received the Times- project known as the VitaVegiWig, “We are now in the middle of a Pick-a-loon Good Loving Cup for a human genetic modifi cation which Grade V genetic emergency,” said Corrections and Clarifi cations Last year’s front page article stated that Krewe of LEWD turns Freakshow When Gov. Bobby Jindal had set health care and education in Louisiana back several Members visit Set of American Whore Story centuries. The time frame should have been millennia. WHORRYWOOD SOUTH – Members to remain anonymous said, “I’ve co-captains were spotted they had of Krewe de Vieux ’s Krewe of LEWD never seen anything like it, people turned into a “strong man” with Edwin Several krewes were reported to have participated in the winter Olympics. We were mysteriously transformed into were growing second heads, horns, Edwards’ head and a three-breasted actually meant the sexual Olympics. an even more debaucherous and hair, claw hands…I was truly whore. freakish group of “people” when they terrifi ed!” While initially thought to be nothing Rue Bourbon reported poll results indicating that “the vast majority of recently visited the New Orleans set According to numerous eyewitness more than a bad trip, none of the Americans say they want to sleep in of American Whore Story. reports, one LEWD member was affected LEWD members have pajamas.” Further review of the data Lulled into thinking the visit was transformed into a devil doll that returned to their original state. A revealed that the majority of Americans nothing more than a Hollywood looked suspiciously like Bobby Jindal. publicist for American Whore Story want to sleep naked in Tahiti with Kate public relations stunt, Krewe members Another member was trying to escape issued an apology stating, “We were Upton. arrived believing they would play the melee when she suddenly sprouted just trying to do something nice for T.O.K.I.N.’s article compared the extras in an upcoming episode. another head. Ironically, both heads the community, we don’t know what Louisiana legislature to a barrel of Instructed to arrive early dressed as now look like Mary Landrieu and happened...we just don’t know. We monkeys. We apologize profusely to monkeys everywhere. one of New Orleans’ many homeless neither mouth will stop talking. A are providing medical treatment to people shaking cans for change at male member of LEWD, who also all affected LEWD members, except The Disneylandrieu travel column indicated that Krewe du Vieux parade interstate off-ramps, Krewe members asked to remain nameless, changed for the three-breasted Co-Captain, she tickets cost $25.00. In fact, they are never expected the carousel ride they into a hermaphrodite Bill Cassidy would like to retain her new boob.” available at the Monde de Merde offi ce for received. One member, who asked look-a-like. The last time LEWD’s just $19.95. – 7 – Social (Disease) Scene Seeds of Decline Express Hobosexual Tendencies Seeds of Decline will do it doggie A highlight of the S.O.D. Ball will private ceremony behind the Family which this year is an engraved tin cup style at their upcoming Bal Masque, to be the presentation of the 2015 Seeds Dollar dumpster. After which they that, when shaken, plays a Bounce be held at the intersection of Elysian of Decline Court. True bitches, the will be chained together and seated version of “And They Call it Puppy Fields and N. Claiborne Avenue Queen and Maids were chosen for on a magnifi cent cardboard throne Love.” immediately following the 2015 their abilities to roll over, play dead decorated entirely with black sharpies Boxers and Beagles, Hobos and Krewe de Vieux parade. Hounds and and literally beg for change. Arf, arf, shoplifted from the new CVS. Man’s Hounds. All will be treated to a Cocks – er Spaniels, that is – are no I say! best friend, indeed! wonderful evening by the Krewe of doubt excited about the theme of this These cuddly carnival canines will As per custom, the S.O.D. Queen S.O.D. – oh – my! year’s ball, which is “Hobosexual be crowned and given a very special and her Court will each receive an Tendencies - More bark than bite!” bone by their hobo owners in a original Seeds of Decline ball favor,

Inane Remembers (m)ASS Extinction’s New Orleans Devastation NASSA SPACE PROBE – Inanites in New Orleans,” pANALeontologist relative, the Tea-Bagging Rex, the cataclysmic planetoid was directed from around the world will gather Joe Bone said. “ The ASSteroid’s Triceratops and Tricerabottoms, the towards its targets by a powerful, January 31 to remember the 28th impact wiped out 75 percent of the Clittersaurus and the Skanky Tooth shadowy conglomerate bent on anniversary of the (m)ASS Extinction, city’s livelier life forms and habitats.” Tiger. destroying the city’s soul. the event that eventually led to the The weekend’s line-up includes Eager to relive the city’s glorious Bone said he expects agents to eradication of fun in prehistoric New a panel of scientists dedicated to past, Inanites plan to celebrate New infi ltrate the weekend’s events as well Orleans. the study of New Orleans species Orleans’ lost species in a parade that as the parade. “The ‘Fun Police’ will The observations will mark the lost to the ASSteroid, including the will cap the weekend’s festivities. try to mar what’s left of New Orleans’ date ASSteroid (634) ABO curiously Dicktopus, a tentacled specimen that But organizers say they are keeping character,” he said. “But as long as obliterated only the city’s most was found only in the Crescent City, a wary eye out for those still looking one Inanite still draws breath, the popular musical venues, clubs, bars known for its aggressive mating to spoil the fun. (m)ASS Extinction attempt will have and others establishments providing rituals. Conspiracy theorists, fueled by been in vain.” risqué revelry. Other specimens lost to the the ASSteroid’s name, believe “(634) ABO was a devastating blow ASSteroid include the Lickalottapus, the prehistoric annihilation was to the to the entertainment ecosystem the Trannysaurus Rex and its distant no accident. They the claim the – 8 – Community Reexamines Academic Prurience Standards Born to be Mayor Original lyrics by WET PRONG, LA – Louisiana schools standards. necessarily in that order).” Steppin’ On Your Toes Wolf have enthusiastically embraced a “I’ve seldom seen a program so Despite the program’s general national education reform movement quickly embraced by schools across popularity, it does have detractors in Always out there runnin’ promoting new standards of student the spectrum here,” said Jack O’Handy several corners. My way or the highway achievement and teacher performance. of the State Board of Education. “Teachers in secular schools have Looking for elections The new Common Hard Core “From privates to pubics they all no business trying to replace the Make sure the votes go our way Standards are designed to ensure that seem ready to plunge deeply into the traditional bond between a young all students graduate high school with core. ‘The harder the better’ is the person and his or her priest, “said Yeah, N’Awlins basic levels of carnal knowledge. phrase I’ve heard again and again Cardinal Bernard Law, formerly head Gonna run this city “It’s all about a return to the three R’s: from headmasters and headmistresses of the Catholic Church in Boston. Always acting like I know it all Reamin’, Rectums, and Randiness,” alike.” “Shaking hands with the bishop is Fire anyone who disagrees said Dr. John Doodiddle, a senior Not just administrators, but rank- an important rite of passage in many ’Til we take the big fall anal-ist with LSU’s Department of and-fi le faculty have leapt into the churches.” I like smoke and mirrors Headucation. “We want our kids to effort headfi rst, feetfi rst and every- Many political fi gures also seem Mindless public chatter come out of high school (after coming other-body-part-first. Reports are ready to score by making a one-night Smirking while I give you in high school) with the skills for a spurting in from around the state stand against the national movement. The illusion that you matter career in lucrative, fast-rising fi elds of teachers giving one-on-one and “Nobody knows more about like adult entertainment and proven even two-on-one private tutoring screwing the people of Louisiana than Yeah, N’Awlins moneymakers like call girl and gigolo sessions, staying late to organize our own elected offi cials, “said Gov. Gonna run this city services. As long as we’re electing group study sessions and generally Bobby Jindal (author of the Cajun Always acting like I know it all politicians in Louisiana, there’s sure making themselves as available as Kama Sutra) from the Governor’s Fire anyone who disagrees to be a high demand in that industry.” possible to the state’s football players, Mansion North in Des Moines Iowa. ’Til we take the big fall The standards lay very clear cheerleaders, and other physically “The Inside-the-Beltway crowd should Like a true Landrieu’s child expectations for getting laid and other gifted youth. keep their hands in their own pockets I was born sexual achievements by students. “My boy even met two of his and off Louisiana’s children. At least Born to be mayor “The Fundamental Usage of teachers for a late-night study session until I get there and show them how I can run for so much more Carnal Knowledge (Youth-Oriented, in one of their homes,” enthused one we really get it done below the belt.” I want to be governor Uniform) guidelines have been Destrehan grandfather. “How many A few fringe elements even Born to be mayor adopted nationally and naughtily. They places do you see teachers putting out suggested that time spent meeting Born to be mayor enunciate clear mileposts or ‘bases’ like that for students?” Hard Core Standards might mean less for student activity throughout high Many students say their interest attention to subjects like mathematics Always out there runnin’ school. We want every student to have has been aroused by the constant and language arts. Seasoned educators, My way or the highway touched all the bases before fi nishing pushing to meet the standards. Student though, dismiss those concerns. Looking for elections high school,” explained Michelle attendance, particularly among boys, “The people of Louisiana have been Make sure the votes go our way “Money” Talks, spokesperson for is at an all-time high. ignoring science, math, economics Yeah, N’Awlins the Coalition Reforming All Public “I definitely appreciate all the and all that long-haired mumbo Gonna run this city Sexuality (CRAPS), a major backer time I’m spending with my French jumbo for years,” scoffed one district Always acting like I know it all of the Common Hard Core. instructor, Mme. de Pumpamour,” one superintendent. “Just look how well Fire anyone who disagrees “It’s a very graphic curriculum with area senior admitted. “Experiencing we’ve done.” ’Til we take the big fall tons of hands-on experience,” she a new tongue is challenging but To support its policies in light of continued breathlessly. “We don’t rewarding. I want to make sure opposition (however fl accid), CRAPS want any students getting out of high she’s always fully satisfi ed with my is organizing a demonstration with a school without knowing the difference performance.” like-minded organization, Keeping between a clitoral stimulator and a butt Swelling excitement over the new Anal in Our Schools (KAOS), in plug. Imagine how that could make programs has even helped with teacher the streets of the French Quarter and you blow your fi rst day on a new job. recruitment. Marigny on the evening of January We want all our students to have the “I’ve never been happier in my job,” 31. Come see our eager students in oral, manual, digital, and other skills said one Louisiana teacher, Humbert (and out of) their uniforms, and our necessary to suck-seed.” Humbert. “I’m telling all my friends, perverse professors in and out of our Louisiana educators have led the and I even invited a few of them to students. nation in adopting and refi ning the come and watch me at work (not www.kreweduvieux.org(y) – 9 – City Revenue Collectors Hit the Streets THE REVENUE STREAM – I just fi gured it was another one of working for city government, I doubt city’s fi nances, like self-reported sales Investigative reporting by intrepid those liberal government giveaways.” he got the numbers right.” taxes,” stated spokeswoman Ima Lyre. Monde de Merde staff has revealed “The guy I gave money to According to the mayor’s press “After all, without this change that we that the innumerable individuals immediately pulled out his cell phone offi ce, corner tax collections won’t be beg for so persistently, we might have attempting to collect funds at every and seemed like he was adding up disappearing any time soon. to tax struggling entities like Tulane street corner in New Orleans are not his take for the day,” reported Brod “Voluntary revenues are vital to the University or the Catholic Church.” in fact unemployed. Moore of Broadmoor. “But if he was Instead, they are Revenue Collectors working for the Department of Creative Finance. With the city’s budget in a state of perpetual crisis, meaning Mayor Mitch “Da Boss” Landrieu can only fund his personal priorities, no opportunity to shake down the citizens is being left unexplored. “This has been a government-wide effort,” explained DCF Director Bill O. Verdue. “The Communications Offi ce provided the text, and Public Works hand-lettered the signs. Sanitation provided the ‘uniforms’. The Law Department bails them out if they get arrested. After all, every department is begging for funding all the time; we’re just being a little more direct in our approach.” When asked for comment, Mayor Landrieu’s offi ce issued the following statement. “When I came into offi ce, we had a defi cit of nine bazillion dollars and a completely dysfunctional government. Now government is working exactly the way I want it to, except for that pesky crime problem. And the potholes. And a few city services, but no one depends on them anyway. Now we have our deficit under control, except for the nine bazillion dollars we owe the Firefi ghter’s Pension Fund. You can give all the credit to me for this remarkable turnaround.” A random sampling of the city’s motorists revealed that few were surprised to find out the corner panhandlers were not what they seemed.” “I thought it was odd when I gave a guy a quarter and he wrote me a receipt on City Hall stationary,” commented Uptown resident Mimi Mifi rst. “But – 10 – THE TOKE OF THE TOWN T.O.K.I.N. Burns (One) For Change To the astonishment of absolutely hop artist, “so we are promoting it as the disposal of Louisiana politicians before Louisiana.” Nevertheless, the no one, the Totally Orgasmic Krewe an economic stimulus.” might be seen as an argument against Ne’er-do-wells are highly optimistic of Intergalactic Ne’er-do-wells Ms. Wanna noted that sales tax legalization, the general consensus that change will come together. The (T.O.K.I.N.) recently announced revenue alone from January 6 through was that the feeling of well-being and smell of change is in the air for herbal its support for the legalization of Mardi Gras would eliminate the euphoria induced by legal THC would enthusiasts. all forms of cannabis: medicinal, state’s budget defi cit. “By the end of override that concern. “We’re rolling out the red carpet for recreational, educational, carnal, and Jazz Fest (the New Orleans Jazz & There was also hope among this incendiary initiative,” exclaimed inspirational. Heritage Festival presented by Shill ®), advocates of defunded educational, a euphoric Ms. Wanna. She invited all T.O.K.I.N. members shared agendas there would be the largest surplus ever environmental, and coastal issues citizens to join the Totally Orgasmic and plotted strategy at a meeting on seen in the state,” she said. “It’s time that short-term memory loss among Krewe of Intergalactic Ne’er-do- a smoke-fi lled ski slope in Colorado. to put the bud in the budget.” governmental representatives would wells’ Cannabis Campaign. They will “We realize that the rational reasons Additional revenues generated by prove useful. be marching in high fashion through to legalize, like pain relief, increased increased sales of snack foods, glow At T.O.K.I.N.’s HEADquarters the streets of the Marigny and French feelings of inspiration, compassion and sticks, laser pointers, and pipe cleaners at a Bud and Breakfast joint on Quarter on January 31. Highlights unity, the urge to dance, and a desire for would further feather the state’s Green Street, members were buzzed will include partaking of healing truth and justice, will never make any coffers. Taxes on throat lozenges with anticipation. “We realize that herbs, invigorating elixirs, raunchy headway in the Louisiana legislature,” purchased by the state’s coughers legalization is a longshot,” said Ms. remedies, naughty nostrums, and said T.O.K.I.N. spokesHEAD Mary J. would also add to the surplus. Wanna. “We expect every other state, prurient panaceas.. Wanna, noted horticulturalist and hip While putting that much money at and possibly Saudi Arabia, to get there Rue Bourbon Discovers It’s Only Kinky the First Time ST. LEWIS STREET – Due to high Members say they’ve been “practicing Ophelia Scrotum, a nun at a local while the politicians had no cumment. unemployment and a difficult job for years” and are excited to fi nally convent, originally worked with the Embraced by this new cummunity, market, many members of Krewe utilize their carnal qualifi cations in a unemployed until she discovered Bourbonites remain unemployed Rue Bourbon have found themselves professional setting. that burning desire she felt was not, while making more tax free money among the ranks of the drunk and The signs of change have been set in fact, for charity. She explained her than ever! They’re now fully inserted jobless – only to discover this is a in motion and it seems the unwaged revelation saying, “When it gets hard, into this well-oiled machine, having great time to be unemployed! Out are hitting the ground cumming. you just have to fi nd your way into the been accepted with open arms, legs, of work and in luck, Bourbonite By wearing previous work attire, habit.” Since joining the movement, and mouths. Rue Bourbon can tell you entrepreneurs have set out to fi x their they’re discovering untapped markets Sister Scrotum balances her new life from experience that “it’s only kinky problems by turning to the world’s and offering new fantasies to the as a call girl with her nunly duties, the fi rst time” as it begs for change. oldest profession. world. Prior Lucky Dog stating, “Doing God’s work has never According to corporate dominatrix vendor Miles Long mourned the loss felt so good!” Stella Virgin, the reason for of his job before he realized the power Many have questioned if this much unemployment is a lack of training. of the uniform. Now people often change has had a negative effect on “There’s a skills gap,” she said. “I come for him, demanding a wiener the parties involved. When asked if have openings begging to be fi lled, between their buns. “I’ve never been he is satisfi ed with his new positions, but I need trained people for the so happy to fi ll their orders,” states former snake handler Craven Bush positions.” Long. replied with cheerful muffl ed sounds. Morale is high in the unemployed People are stepping out of their When asked to remove his ball gag, cummunity as they refuse to take it comfort zones and into assless chaps, he smiled, adding, “It’s only kinky sitting down – having learned many as they explore uncharted territory the fi rst time.” The other sex workers new and surprising ways to take it. and experience new sensations. agreed that this was a positive change – 11 – Mardi Gras Cancelled C.O.A. STATEMENT [LOCATION UNDISCLOSED] – Kern same year after year after year, the appointing a commission, or cutting Le Monde de Merde is offered by Productions has announced that it is representative offered no further a ribbon, you know, the things I’m the Krewe du Vieux cancelling Mardi Gras in 2015. comment. The terrorist group has also known for, then by Jesus, y’all, all it in the true spirit of Carnival as At a hastily called press conference made public receipts for what appears would take would be holding a press a venue for satire and which included city officials, to be jewelry purchases from Adler’s conference and doing the usual song political comment. Homeland Security, representatives of totaling close to $1,500,000 charged and dance.” The views herein may not refl ect Kern Productions, and various stodgy to Kern Productions and signed by The NOPD’s Special Internet Task those of Krewe leaders or all mainline carnival organizations, owner Bland Kern. There are also Force hotline was not answered after Krewe members. They are designed to spokesperson Oral LaBorede told receipts for Viagra purchases totaling repeated calls. Cross-referencing with entertain and provoke thought. reporters that a previously unknown nearly $250,000. the city hall directory, the number was Besides, ain’t none of us got terrorist organization, calling itself Mayor Mitch Landrieu, confronted found to be the same as the number for nothin’ worth suing for that Al-midcita, has threatened to detonate outside of Theo’s, his usual Tuesday the Department of Safety and Permits. hasn’t been appropriated by stink bombs at all of Kern Productions’ evening takeout joint, decried the Al-midcita has started a Facebook the mayor’s offi ce. parades. terrorist plot and expressed regret page that can be accessed by anyone All material ©2015 “Out of an abundance of caution for about Mardi Gras being cancelled. with a Facebook account. The group’s by the Krewe du Vieux our public, particularly those uptown “But you need to understand that favorite movies are Dumb and Dumber of Jackson Avenue who are unfamiliar Mardi Gras is a private affair and II, Horrible Bosses II and Sin City: A with the odor of excrement, Kern government has never, ever inserted Dame to Kill For. Under the listing Productions has decided to cancel all its will into its planning, scheduling of friends of Al-midcita there was an of the parades we produce,” La Borede or execution. If there was anything unusual predominance of Jesuit High read from a prepared statement. that I could do, like starting a series School seniors. Representatives of other Mardi of Saturday morning seminars, or Gras organizations have decided to follow suit out of concern that the general public can’t tell the difference between one parade and the next. Said a representative of the Knights of Babylon, who asked not to be identifi ed, “they all look the same, they all sound the same, the marching groups, all the same.” The threat was made in a rambling and grammatically fl awed manifesto protesting the relocation of Mardi Gras parades to the uptown route from routes on the Westbank, Metairie and Mid-City. Apparently the decision was made in the aftermath of a major hack of Kern Productions Tandy 500 computer, which revealed details of fl oats in parades such as Hermes, Rex and Morpheus. A representative of the Rex organization who remained anonymous under his peaked hood stated “the damage to the culture of New Orleans by revealing these secrets is just unconscionable.” When it was pointed out that the themes and floats of Rex are the

– 12 –