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Christianish-BOOK.Pdf What people are saying about … Christianish “No one blends self-deprecating hilarity and spiritual profundity like Mark Steele. Christianish is everything we’ve come to love about his writing: It’s entertaining, it’s challenging, and it’s completely devoid of cheese.” Jason Boyett, author of Pocket Guide to the Afterlife “Mark Steele is no Jeremiah. It’s a good thing, because we’d have to kill him. Funny, incisive, and wise, Steele calls us (along with himself) to account for all our fakery and get on with the serious business of (gulp) living like Jesus.” Patton Dodd, deputy editor of PurposeDriven. com and author of My Faith So Far: A Story of Conversion and Confusion “Look out! Mark Steele is in the temple and he’s flippin’ tables! Mark always has something funny to say about Christianity, but this book is as convicting as it is hilarious. He continues to use his comedy as a metal detector that finds ‘the real stuff’ under the rubble. In between references to Boss Hogg and Cannonball Run 2, you might actually reexamine your whole approach to following Jesus.” Cory Edwards, writer and director of Hoodwinked Christianish-int-F.indd 1 5/29/09 1:03:04 PM “Sometimes when I’m feeling depressed and lonely I like to imag- ine Mark Steele is my best friend, and we are walking through a grassy meadow in the warm sunshine. As the butterflies float by and bunnies bound ahead of us, Mark cheers me up by offering gentle wisdom and hilarious life stories about his journey on this earth. Now that I have a copy of his new book, this dream of mine can become a reality. I cannot recommend Christianish highly enough as a thoughtful and humorous look at some of the most serious truths of a Christian’s walk with the Lord. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll buy the book … hopefully, if you are reading this, you already have. If not, what are you waiting for?” Stephen McGarvey, executive editor of Crosswalk.com and Christianity.com Christianish-int-F.indd 2 5/29/09 1:03:04 PM Christianish-int-F.indd 5 5/29/09 1:03:05 PM Christianish Published by David C. Cook 4050 Lee Vance View Colorado Springs, CO 80918 U.S.A. David C. Cook Distribution Canada 55 Woodslee Avenue, Paris, Ontario, Canada N3L 3E5 David C. Cook U.K., Kingsway Communications Eastbourne, East Sussex BN23 6NT, England David C. Cook and the graphic circle C logo are registered trademarks of Cook Communications Ministries. All rights reserved. Except for brief excerpts for review purposes, no part of this book may be reproduced or used in any form without written permission from the publisher. All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved; MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. LCCN 2009928006 ISBN 978-1-4347-6692-2 eISBN 978-1-4347-0039-1 © 2009 Mark Steele The Team: Andrea Christian, Susan Tjaden, Jaci Schneider, and Karen Athen Cover/Interior Design: Amy Kiechlin Cover Photo: iStockphoto, royalty-free Exhibit Illustrations: Eric Lee Printed in the United States of America First Edition 2009 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 052709 Christianish-int-F.indd 6 5/29/09 1:03:05 PM To Morgan, Jackson, Charlie, and David. May you follow Jesus regardless of the world in which you live. Christianish-int-F.indd 7 5/29/09 1:03:05 PM christianish What if we’re not really following Jesus at all? i am Christianish 13 1 scandalous 29 (revealing the rough stuff) 2 wholiness 53 (it is also written) 3 phariseesaw 69 (perhaps I am my nemesis) 4 shut up already 91 (righteousness is not the change agent) 5 God said no 113 (standing in my own way) 6 losers for Jesus 141 (the painful give) 7 vanilla me 159 (going without) 8 upside is a downside 179 (becoming unhuman) 9 the grace discount 201 (ministry is surgery) 10 the Jesus show 221 (love is a muscle) 11 in Jesus’ name, amends 247 (willing to transform) i am Christian 269 mark steele Christianish-int-F.indd 9 5/29/09 1:03:05 PM In everyday life, when one chooses to acknowledge another, it is the equivalent of gesturing toward that person as if to point out which end of the compass is north. Not so in a book. In a book, to acknowledge someone is to sum up in very few words the substantial importance said individual has played in the book writer’s life. To this end there are a great number of individuals I could acknowl- edge for various and sundry reasons, though I will not. I could, for instance, acknowledge my wife, Kaysie, for her undying love and support as well as for her willingness to suppress the urge to insert my hand into a scalding-hot George Foreman Grill each time I drive a lengthier path to a destination than the path she would have chosen. I could acknowledge my father, whom I will call Dad, for allowing me to abandon baseball at an early enough age to kick-start my writing career. I could thank him for encouraging me to write those spec Moonlighting episodes while I blared Tears for Fears from my room. I could. I could acknowledge my mom, who gave blood, sweat, and tears so that I could have a Christian education, thanking 11 Christianish-int-F.indd 11 5/29/09 1:03:05 PM 12 christianish her especially for bringing some rationale and perspective to said cur- riculum so that my schooling was not skewed to Tri-State Regional Competition levels. I could acknowledge my children: Morgan, Jackson, Charlie, and brand-spanking-new baby David (though it’s a bit too early for spankings), simply because I love them, and their foibles provide great literary material. I could acknowledge my pastor, Roger Nix, for keeping me sane. I could acknowledge my business partner Kevin Anderson and the entire Steelehouse team for making art-as-business a joy. I could acknowledge my brothers and brother- in-law for deflating my sometimes-swelled head. I could acknowledge Eric Lee for the amazing illustrations that he deciphered out of my chicken scratch, or my editor Andrea Christian for reminding me to write up some acknowledgments. Let’s face it: I could acknowledge some of the everyones of importance, significance, or influence in my life. But I won’t. Instead I acknowledge them all. For they all drive me every single day to ditch the –ish and instead genuinely follow Jesus Christ. I also acknowledge Jesus Christ. Mark Steele January 2009 (ish) Christianish-int-F.indd 12 5/29/09 1:03:05 PM i am Christianish At approximately three o’clock, on an otherwise uneventful after- noon, random disaster landed in my living room, scarring my wife’s affenpinscher permanently. In a collision of arbitrary calamity—the sort of incident one reads about in a James Frey memoir but does not believe—my wife accidentally cut off our dog’s tongue with a pair of grooming scissors. Off. Tongue. Grooming scissors. The dog was named Scout in honor of the little girl in To Kill a Mockingbird, though he is neither a girl nor currently inside any fancy books. It must first be respectfully noted that the dog’s tongue is his talent. It is his method of showing affection, and he wields it with a flourish like the caricature artist on the boardwalk waves pastel chalk before sketching your oversized head on the body of a minuscule muscleman. Scout’s lick was his love. It was all he really knew how to do—that tongue was his Sistine Chapel. 13 Christianish-int-F.indd 13 5/29/09 1:03:05 PM 14 christianish Of all the human beings who could have fathomably been the bearer of this specific catastrophic misstep toward my dog—a cutlery juggler, a careless balsa whittler, the lady who runs the paper shredder at Kinko’s—the least likely and the worst emotional choice is the human who actually did the deed. That would be my wife, Kaysie. The reason Kaysie is the worst choice as the cause of this par- ticular accident is because there is not a human soul on the planet who loves the dog more. In fact the atrocity occurred during an act of kindhearted affection. Kaysie was grooming Scout with great pre- cision and detail—prettying him up because, after all, he is named after a girl. She was only slightly distracted by the fact that her back was aching, she was about to leave town for five days, and she had just received word that a loved one had passed away. Still, she forged ahead with the necessary grooming. She took a clump of his dog- gie hair between the blades, and then—just as she squeezed—Scout whipped his face around, jamming his tongue in the middle of the shears themselves. SHINK. The rest—as you would imagine—was gross. Scout was rushed to the vet, where they angrily asked how this could have happened. I don’t know how this happened! The dog was licking an envelope while I accidentally slipped it in the paper-shredder. What do you think happened?! The vet quickly gave him ten stitches.
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