The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW JOURNALISM Le Monde de Merde AND THE LUST Vol. 24, No. 1 January 31, 2015 Priceless FOR GREEN Krewe du Vieux “Begs For Change” Jim Aiken To Discharge Royal Duties They seem to be everywhere … grabbing cap couldn’t supply enough cubes for your attention any way they can … barely Happy Hour. avoiding being run over … begging you Cubans danced in the streets of Havana to part with your treasure … but enough after Obama announced the easing of about Mardi Gras parade-goers and U.S. restrictions, but Cubans in Miami Louisiana politicians! (and Republicans in Congress) insisted Unfortunately, no amount of begging he had been Castroted. The GOP was could stop the relentless onslaught equally outraged when Saudi Arabia of campaign commercials; the vast announced plans to try two women, amounts of cash spent during the 2014 arrested for the heinous crime of driving, elections proved that beggars could in terrorism court (except for those indeed be schmoozers. And large change Republicans with ties to big oil). was definitely in the air. Louisiana Here in Louisiana, brain-eating Parade Route of the Krewe du Vieux, Saturday, January 31, 2015 at 6:30 PM voters inexplicably decided to send amoebas infiltrated the water system infected shoot-from-the-hipsters, a undoubtedly beg for sexual favors as they Frankenstein’s gay bride to the U.S. in the state capitol complex, where new breed of carpetbeggars that spread each present their own game-changing Senate, completing its change from Blue they promptly starved to death. The gentrification, tattoos and bad fashion interpretations of the theme. Subkrewes to Red. Voters fed up with gridlock made proliferation of fracking produced throughout the city. Another year include the Krewe of C.R.U.D.E., Krewe a statement by voting to ensure it would more gas than the legislative session, went by without adoption of the new of Space Age Love, Krewe of Underwear, get worse. Irrevocably weakened by though less damage. And Governor Incomprehensible Zoning Ordinance. Seeds of Decline, Krewe of Mama Roux, the results, President Yomama meekly Bobby “Bombay” Gindoll was against And bike lanes popped up everywhere: Krewe of L.E.W.D., Krewe of Drips accepted his new status by issuing major everything that might help the state, even overcrowded downtown streets, the new and Discharges, Krewe of K.A.O.S., decrees on immigration, the Internet, though he used to be for it. Seems he was Indy Car race track on New Orleans East, Knights of Mondu, T.O.K.I.N., Krewe foreign policy, climate change, and the born under a bad science. and even in some of the city’s larger Rue Bourbon, Krewe de C.R.A.P.S., most pressing issue of the day, who Senator Vitter, observing how well potholes. Mystic Krewe of Spermes, Mystik should be the next American Idol. the tactic worked for the governor, The more things changed, the more Krewe of Comatose, Mystic Krewe of Also in Washington, the Senate launched his campaign for the same seat they stayed the same …. Inane, Krewe du Mishigas, and Krewe released a report describing CIA torture by following same pathetic flip-flopping Riding the winds of change, and of SPANK. tactics used to interrogate possible path. Apparently he too has no common begging no one’s pardon, the changelings, Also marching will be many of the Islamic terrorists, but listening to Mitch core beliefs. secret agents of change and sex changers city’s top brass bands. Showcasing the McConnell was deemed too inhumane Closer to home, Mayor Mitch “Son of Krewe du Vieux will take to the local brass band talent is one of the few even for these suspects. And Metairie of Moon” Landrieu fared better than streets of the Marigny, French Quarter Krewe du Vieux traditions that has not Congressman Steve Scalise was elected his sister, being re-elected in a close and CBD (Change-Begging District) been declared blasphemous by the ISIS House Whip, allowing him to indulge his race against several candidates a few on Saturday, January 31 at 6:30 PM . cow-lick-phat. secret fantasies, some of which probably people vaguely remembered hearing of Spectators are advised to bring a change The Krewe du Vieux is a nonprofit involve friends of Metairie Senator somewhere. He immediately assumed of Underwear, some spare change, and organization dedicated to the historical David Vitter. absolute control of everything. Too beware of beggary. and traditional concept of a Mardi Gras Elsewhere on the planet, Putin’s bad he didn’t work in the NOPD Sex Discharging the royal duties for parade as a venue for individual creative aggression left the Ukraine singing Crimes Unit, where nobody apparently the parade will be Dr. Jim (and Mr. expression and satirical comment. It is “Crimea River”. The Russian president’s took control of anything. The crime Jimmy) Aiken, who will be dripping unique among all Mardi Gras parades long lost Jamaican half-brother, Ras- problem in general Serpassed even what with enthusiasm, highly medicated and because it alone carries on the old Putin, followed up by announcing plans the mayor could tolerate, leading to the prepared for any emergency. King Jim’s Carnival traditions, by using decorated, to annex Haiti. The Islamic State put selection of a new chief (though not a invaluable contributions to KdV over hand or mule-drawn floats with satirical the “hate” in caliphate, but despite its new suit) and twelve new initiatives many years will culminate in the ultimate themes, accompanied by costumed prohibition on drinking, by the end of with catchy names like “NOLA for indignity of riding the royal float. revelers dancing to the sounds of jazzy the year was getting bombed regularly. Life”, “Travel in Packs” and We’ve Tried The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen street musicians. We believe in exposing Global climate change reached the Everything Else So This Better Work”. subkrewes will beg the question, beg the world to the true nature of Mardi Gras point where the remaining polar ice The ENOLA virus was spread by for indulgences, beg to differ, and – and in exposing ourselves to the world. – 1 – The Emergency King Jindal for President He’s the founder of a KdV subkrewe. more than something to carry our “The other years, I really preferred For the fi rst time in its 25-year history, He’s been Ball Captain and Vice throws. We knew how to use scalpels, marching on the streets with my the Monde de Merde is making a Captain. He is co-owner of the Krewe’s but hammers, not so much.” subkrewe. This time I only agreed to political endorsement: Louisiana home base, the Den of Muses. Most By the next year the King had been be considered because I saw who else Governor Bobby Jindal for President. relevant of all, he is one of the leading cajoled into being the Ball Captain, was being nominated and was pretty He may be a too coy goy boy toy emergency room physicians in the a job he held for some five years, sure I wouldn’t be elected,” explains to come right out and say it, but the city. Now Jim Aiken has descended to serving as Vice Captain (and doing a this duke of self-deprecation. “But I galloping guv has been ogling the oval that least exalted of Krewe du Vieux masterful job of ensuring as much vice did think about this being the tenth offi ce for over a year. And he is willing ranks, King of the 2015 parade. in the Krewe as possible) for the last of anniversary of Katrina, and both the to sacrifi ce every last man, woman, “I don’t get overwhelmed very those years. One of his favorite (not to role I played in getting the health care child, alligator – indeed, every living often,” remarked his hirsute highness, mention few) memories of those days system back up and running and the thing in the state of Louisiana in “but there are times when I am just in is from 1996, when the Vieux Doo was role Krewe du Vieux played in helping service of his naked, and almost awe over this.” descended upon by limo-riding NFL raise people’s spirits. certainly fruitless, ambition. Given the battered bodies, the types because the Super Bowl parties “One of my proudest Krewe This makes Bobby Jindal purely and mind-blowing overdoses, the bizarre were a complete bore in comparison. moments ever was when we marched simply evil. objects in bizarre places that the King Today our emergency room emir in 2006, the fi rst parade after Katrina. It also makes him the Monde de has seen in his days (and we’re only practices in and serves as the Associate Drips stopped in front of the old Merde’s clear choice for President. talking about the parade here), Dr. Jim Director for Emergency Services in the folks home on Royal right before Anything that will get him as far away is indeed the very defi nition of calm. Emergency Department at the LSU Frenchmen, and I could see tears in from Louisiana as possible, we’re in Our medicinal monarch’s affi liation Trauma Center and does additional people’s eyes because they were so favor of. with KdV began in 1993, when he saw emergency medical consulting. In this happy to see us.” And if not the United States, perhaps an ad for tickets to the Vieux Doo. “I capacity, he participated in the transition Even so, the King minimizes his Liberia ….