\ MP

20 March 2002 ^ttmjfk The StuStudend t Newspaper for Imperial College Issue 1232

IC / SAAL REFERENCE te\ COLLECTION http://www.union.ic.ac.uk/felix/ IX

The new and improved More schoolgirls? Spring LEQs are here. Sounds Heaven Sent Sort of like a Union to me. (Page 22) cat food. (Page 4) LEQS Imperial Students Reject NUS

The students of Imperial College have year's campaign had provided "signifi- overwhelmingly voted to remain outside cant momentum" for Imperial's associa- the National Union of Students. tion with the NUS. It is conceivable that The referendum enjoyed a large turnout Council may order a second referendum of over 28% of Imperial's student popula- as early as next year, assuming support tion, and almost three times that usually exists. seen for the election of Imperial's Union The original decision to run an NUS ref- President. erendum attracted significant opposition The final count took place on Saturday, at the Council meeting which ordered it. with 766 votes in favour of joining the Many of the referendum's primary oppo- NUS facing an enormous 1983 votes. The And they did... nents ended up working for the 'No' cam- result will be a blow to the NUS, which paign, with the notable exception of had high hopes for obtaining Imperial been prepared. The new version outlined Union President and nascent College College as a member. a number of problems that the 'Yes' cam- celebrity Sen Ganesh, who supported the The count looked set to be delayed after paign had found with the regulations gov- 'No' vote but originally proposed that the the close of voting on Friday when David erning Union elections, but these were ballot should take place. Francis, head of the 'Yes' campaign, had not intended as a formal complaint. They The high turn-out in this vote indicates refused to sign the document declaring were signed by the returning officer as that Imperial students may finally have that he thought the referendum had been well as Mr Francis in addition to the stan- found a political debate to get their teeth fairly and constitutionally run. This cere- dard agreement documents. into. Certainly, greater student involve- mony occurs after every important Union While the result is the most significant ment in Union issues would be widely election and helps prevent unnecessary rejection of NUS affiliation since 1956, this welcomed by all those involved. challenges from candidates once the may not be the last current students will Alisdair results are announced. see of referenda on the issue. Mr Francis Counting could finally proceed at 3pm stated that the 'Yes' campaigners "didn't on Saturday once a new document had expect to get it first time," and that this

"How pedestrian!" screamed one reviewer, as the team began to get very high on sugar. Two Creme Eggs is never enough" insisted another... -mm 8*11 i ! How do you eat yours? lllli college news

Council Were Efficient The most efficient meeting of second proved more unusual, Elections Again Issue 1232 Union Council this year took when Mustafa Arif, President The Committee in charge of place on Thursday, which of the City & Guilds this year's sabbatical elec- 20 March 2002 finally resolved debate over Constituent College Union, tions also submitted their final the new constitution and con- proposed an amendment to report to Council. Editor: will Dugdale troversy about the recent sab- abolish the body of Council Complaints made by Ms Deputy Editor: Ali Wren batical elections. itself. The idea was to replace Munir (see Felix 1131) had News: John Stratford Council meetings with larger been previously overturned by Music: Dave Edwards The Union Exists student general meetings, a very close margin at Union Books: Jon Matthews The sabbatical team and which would be attended by Executive, but they did not Sport: Alex Coby Union Council have spent more 'non-hack' students. make their expected re- Arts: Jon Brenner much of the recent months However, many argued that appearance at Council, when Film: Darius Nikbin writing and approving a new there would be persistent fail- she decided not to appeal the Crossword: Dr. Hot Fudge constitution, which will bring ure to get anything done due decision. There was some con- Comic: J the Union in line with to suspected low turnout. sternation when a Council College's new faculty struc- Eventually, Council failed to member pointed out that Wye With Thanks To: ture. self-destruct along the lines of students had not been given Everyone Discussion of this paper, the Royal College of Science two days' voting, but after a which must be passed by two Union, and declined to pass brief break, Council heard that Felix, Beit Quad, Prince consecutive Council meetings, Mr Arif's amendment. no complaint had been intend- Consort Road, London, has lasted hours in the past The new constitution and ed and the report was passed. SW7 2BB but on this occasion was ham- regulations now have only to It now looks far less likely Tel: 020 7594 8072 pered by only two points. The get College's final approval that any complaints will over- Email: [email protected] first objection related to the before coming into full effect turn the election results, and Felix is a registered departmental representatives' at the beginning of the next as such they will become fixed newspaper: ISSN 1040 - 0711 place on Council, while the academic year. on Monday. Copyright © Felix 2002 Printed by: MCP Litho Limited Sykes Quits GSK News In Brief

Sir Richard Sykes has Glaxo Laboratories in 1993. RAG Week Balloon Race quizmaster Jeremy Paxman, announced that he is to stand Under his leadership the com- A balloon released from the who said them that they were down as non-executive chair- pany sealed mergers with the Queen's Lawn at the end of "storming back by the end man of GlaxoSmithKline in Wellcome Foundation in 1995 RAG week travelled 533 miles and almost did it." May. He took up his post as and then with SmithKline to Eschweiler, Germany. The College Rector in January Beecham five years later to balloon belonged to Hersha New Head of Chemistry 2001, but retained the position become the second largest Mistry of CEC, Sherfield Professor Richard Templer has on the board of the pharma- drugs manufacturer in the Building, and took just one been appointed as the next ceutical giant. world. day to cross much of continen- head of Imperial College's His retirement will allow It is believed that his suc- tal Europe. Of the 500 balloons Chemistry department. He him to focus more on his work cessor as non-executive chair- released, three stopped off at will take up the position in at the College, which includes man will be Sir Christopher Canterbury, nine travelled as September, shortly after the efforts to boost its profile and Hogg, who was appointed to far as Belgium and two department becomes part of the large-scale changes to its the board of SmithKline reached Germany. the new Faculty of Physical structure currently being Beecham in 1993 and also Sciences. implemented. holds the post of chairman at University Challenge Sir Richard was initially media empire Reuters. Imperial were narrowly ULU Elections appointed chief executive of John S defeated by Sommerville Rob Davenport, this year's College Oxford in the final of Deputy President for Clubs Inaccuracy in Issue 1231: "Election Result Uncertainty" University Challenge, broad- and Societies, was elected as Sellotape was not, in fact, used to deliver a complaint to the cast last week, by 200 points ULU's Vice President for Returning Officer by ICSMSU President Shazia Munir. The com- to 185. Sports last week with a man- plaint was delivered electronically and required the use of no After a catastrophic start, date of 250 votes. stationery products whatsoever. the team were consoled by John S End of term Easter Party! Three floors of fun and frolics in fane? dress for Bunnies, Buff Boys and their Escorts.

Friday, March 22 obtj 8—2am, Admission by ticket on Concert I la II 8pm— 10pm and 11pm—2am: Cheesy Dance music from the Union DJs 10pm—11pm: Live music from Jamie Benson (previously of Hepburn)

8pm—1:30am: Cool Chill Out Sounds and Bar dBs Bar 8pm—2am: Commercial RnB, Indy Rock and Commercial Dance 'tickets bought in advance will receive either Bunny-Tails and Fars or a How Tie. (While stocks last.) h'KKK Jelly Belly beans and a FREE shot, of Bacardi on the night with every ticket PHIZES provided by Odcon Cinema, 11 igh St reel Kensington, tor I lie Best Fancy Dress Costumes.

Friday Night Out imperial Supported by college ODEON 1 & CINEMAS BACARDI Throe Floors of Pun in the Union Building, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, SW7 spring LEQ

LEQs - The Spring Edition

What is the Spring Term LEQ? Why should students complete the Students have sufficient time to con- LEQ? tribute constructive textual comments. This is the opportunity for undergradu- Less work required by the ates to evaluate the lecturers who taught This is an important opportunity for stu- Departmental and College staff. them during the past term by completing dents to make their voice heard and tell No involvement of academic staff from a a web based questionnaire on each the Departments how good their good student's home department in the course attended. lecturers are and how bad their bad lec- process therefore greater anonymity for turers are. The more students complete student. When is the Spring Term LEQ open? the LEQ the more Departments take Quick turn-around of the responses notice. Departments do actually welcome thus enabling prompt action by From the 18 March 2002 to 31 March 200 constructive feedback and encourage stu- Departments if necessary. dents to provide this. The student partic- Quick and accurate turn-around of the What password do students use to ipation rate across the College for the textual comments made by students. access the LEQ web site? autumn term was a disappointing 20% Excellent flexibility: once established it overall though some Departments man- will be possible to customise the ques- For the Autumn term LEQ, an individual aged 30 + %. However some Departments tions and arrange for the survey to be password was emailed to each student. were as low as 9% and both the USC and carried out at a convenient time for any This was a temporary but unsatisfactory ICU wish to encourage students to dra- section of the College. expedient and for this term's LEQ, the matically improve this participation rate. password will be the student's CID num- Departments will take more notice of stu- Are the LEQ questions old fashioned? ber. The next update of the ORACLE soft- dent's comments in this survey, the ware which underpins the LEQ will per- greater the number of participants. Some of the questions are old fashioned mit a student's normal College password and this is the last survey in which the to be used but the software will not be Are the results anonymous? questions will be used in the current for- installed in time for this term's survey. It mat. A USC working party will be review- will be ready for the survey due in the Yes, only statistical results are released to ing and revising the questions for future autumn term 2002. Directors of Undergraduate Studies and incarnations. Note that students can change their Departmental Student Representatives, password from their CID number to one of who will have no idea which students When will the results be available? their choosing once they have logged on. have responded. The results are released simultaneously What about the other problems with What about the free form textual to DUG's and Dep reps shortly after the last electronic LEQ? comments that students can add to closure of the survey period. each LEQ? Those problems reported to the LEQ proj- Is there an incentive for participating? ect team involved students forgetting or These also remain anonymous and are losing their passwords, finding no cours- released, collated in anonymised form There are 10 prizes of £25.00 each for stu- es to evaluate or having access problems and linked to the relevant lecturer, to dents who participate in the LEQ and to the site itself. Virtually all the problems Directors of Undergraduate Studies and who opt to be included in the prize draw. reported were rapidly solved. Dep reps with the statistical results. Individual Departments may also provide There are also three students, as I type, local incentives. attacking the system; giving constructive Why not use paper? feedback. Are there any changes to the LEQ Paper based LEQ are labour intensive, since the autumn term? Is the LEQ site accessible from any- environmentally unfriendly, completed where? only by those present at the lecture when There have been some cosmetic changes distributed and can pass through several responding to student comments and the The site is not currently accessible from hands before the results are publicised. system has been road tested by a few stu- outside the College but should be acces- The USC and ICU have determined that dent volunteers. sible from anywhere within the College electronic LEQ's are the way forward as including other campuses and most halls they have the following advantages over Who is eligible to complete the LEQ? of residence. Unfortunately, it is not papere accessible from PCs which have the All students have the opportunity to All undergraduates except those in the Konqueror browser thojight to be particu- respond not just those that happen to School of Medicine. We hope to extend larly popular in the Computing be attending the particular lecture the survey to include medical students by Department. when a paper-based LEQ is offered. the autumn. You've attended the classes, listened to the lecturers, now tell us what you think.

The Lecturer Evaluation Questionaires can be found on www.leq.ic.ac.uk/. You will be able to log on from any computer, including from halls. There are tighter security measures and log on procedures explained on the site.

The LEQs must be completed within the time period, Monday-18.3 until Tuesday-26.3 easter eggs

Easter Egg Reviews

Snickers A Celebrations This got a luke-warm "Creamy and delightful" was response from our team who one description of this thickly thought it rather average, if built egg. The bonus here "a bit sweet." As a bonus, was some miniature bars, dis- you get two Snickers bars. appointingly not wrapped "They were... well, Snickers inside the egg. "Too many bars" and "I hate peanuts" bloody Snickers" expressed commented the team, but the team's response to the lit- is** ::, they liked the football theme. tle chocolates.

Flake Rolo More standard fayre from The egg didn't go down well Cadbury's - "creamy but not with our team: "Bleugh", so rich." The egg had a pretty "boring" and "too thin" picture of a chicken on it, described the chocolate from though. Unsurprisingly, we the egg. As the bonus, we got got two whole bars of Flake some Rolos, unexpectedly we with our egg which was thought. "The only nice Rolo "woman seducingly nice", is the last one" summed up apparently. the team's reaction.

A Organic Dark A Dairy Milk "Tastes like a cocktail of rub- Some dischord in our tasting ber dissolved ia WD40" wrote panel, declaring it "bland" one of Jtl rig team. while others claimed that "Nasty /wrtaste" id "the "you can't beat it!" The egg most disgusting thing I have was a little samey - it even ever put in mjr mouth" were had the same picture of a also included in the reports. chicken on it - but most wel- There was no bonus gift at comed the chance to get rid of all, either. the Organic Dark taste! KitKat Mini Eggs The egg itself was generally The chocolate was Cadbury's found to have an unpleasant yet again, but "creamy" and WKm powdery texture, "a bit like "milky" as it was, one panel cotton wool" remarked one member was getting "very taster. The bonus here was bored with that damn chick- two KitKat Chunky bars. One en" embossed on the surface of the team noted that "it'd of the egg. A "nice big bag" really piss off the NUS" by of Mini Eggs was included, featuring a Nestle product. though.

Quality Street A After Eight The chocolate had a pleasant, This egg received sponta- nutty aftertaste, with uninter- neous applause as it was esting crenellations on the brought to the tasting table. egg itself. Quality Street dis- The egg was "minty and nice- tinguished themselves by ly bitter", but one member including their bonus gift usefully observed that it "did- inside the egg - the only egg n't go well with Bacardi so far to have done so - giving Breezers." A generous box of us a selection of chocolates. wafer mints was included. eggs easter

An intrepid team of taste-testers from the Felix editoral and reporting crew undertook to test twenty of the best-selling Easter Eggs to help you decide which your loved-ones would receive this Easter. Taste, toys and packaging were scrutinised careful- ly, and the results are laid out below. It was a tough job, but somebody had to do it.

Maltesers (Favourite) A Minstrels The egg was distinguished "I don't like the foil on that" by the presence of little hon- exclaimed one expert, com- eycomb pieces embedded in plaining the blue was a bit the shell. Waie this was gen- garish. There were two small erally w< 1 ived, one eggs rather than a single big member ,oted thai it looked one, and two packs of like "chocolate ac»e." Two Minstrels. Opinions ranged bags of Maltesers completed from "says 'Happy Easter'" to this favourite choice. "not very nice at all."

Guylain Organic Milk "The only thing I know that's This did little better than the worse dipped in beer" said Organic Dark egg - "tastes of one taster, the others com- fish" and "vomitescent plaining that the chocolate smeg" sprung to the lips of was a bit dull - "Uh! Uh! Yuk!" our reviewers. Other choco- wrote one. A box of choco- late also sprung to their lips lates was included, which as they struggled to get rid of one taster loved, and the oth- the taste. No bonus again - ers dismissed as "vomit." miserable!

Creme Egg 4 Aero "How pedestrian!" screamed "Dull," "cardboardy and arti- one reviewer, as the team ficial" exclaimed the panel. began to get very high on "Too much air and not enough sugar. "Two Creme Eggs is chocolate" also summed up never enough" insisted the team's worries about the another, while one taster amount of bubbles in the bars pointed out that the eggs which accompanied the egg. were a bit dryer than usual. It was all much like "sun- Another picture of a chicken. baked concrete," apparently.

Smarties Caramel A number of reviewers were "I feel sick" stated one unable to stop giggling at this reviewer before this egg was point as sugar overwhelmed even opened, probably due to their brains. The egg was excessive chocolate con- nice, if a little bland, and the sumption. This egg was gen- tubes of Smarties were good. erally a bit average, and We got two letter 'N's on our nobody was in the mood for lids. The foil on the egg was the run-of-the-mill two bars of also "very pretty." Cadbury's Caramel.

A Mars Orange Mini-Segments The egg was nice, but one Easily in second place, this reviewer exclaimed "please was also the last egg to be let me out of here," while oth- tasted. Despite severe illness ers declared themselves inca- sweeping the tasting team, pable of writing any coherent the (admittedly limited) sentences with this much orangey segments went sugar in their bloodstreams. down vere will with a deli- The Mars bars didn't go any- ciously smooth orange- where quickly. flavoured egg, if a bit soft. felix talk

IC Radio

THE MEDICINE is a weekly IC Radio turing as a live dose on THE MEDI- broadcast administered by Dr. CINE, then book a consultation at the Doomkinder & Surgeon Grim Calditz Alternative Music Society Meetings, on behalf of the Alternative Music every Monday and Thursday from 5pm Society. A Magic Bullet fused from in the Union (or email those below). electronica, post-rock, abstract THE MEDICINE is unsuitable for hiphop, UK/US independent music, those of a nervous disposition or riot grrl!, space-rock, hardcore, drone, those operating heavy machinery, as emo, alt-country, lo-fi, glitchcore and it may cause righteous death. THE Japanese noise is your prescription. MEDICINE is otherwise suitable for The dose must be repeated every The spirits of the deceased still linger all, including you. If symptoms persist Monday at 8 pm otherwise symptoms around the operating table... listen to THE MEDICINE again. Only will worsen (past remedies and listen to THE MEDICINE in a place missed pills may be downloaded from below 25°C. www.icradio.com). Keep THE MEDICINE within reach THE MEDICINE is a non-elitist cure of children. Do exceed the stated for musical tedium and prevents the dose. invasion of your brain by irritating For further information ask your GP musical pathogens. Dr. Doomkinder is for a referral to Christopher.tipton or qualified in all melodic practices, [email protected]. achieving a PhD in slint from Rephlex THE MEDICINE can be taken live at University and specialising in melt 8pm Mondays or downloaded later on banana diagnostics, whilst Surgeon The practicioners at work. IC Radio: Grim Calditz is highly respected in 999Mhz AM & www.icradio.com. his field for ground-breaking research Kave, whilst Zan Lyons and The Rock into Anticon transplantation and Of Travolta axe being bottled into Mogwai transfusion. vials for future treatments as we con- icradio Live session vaccinations have been verse If any bands/units reading this conducted by the infectious Luna communication are interested in fea-

Summer Ball

Yes it is definitely on and it will be big- complaining that its smack bang in the So now that I want to go, how much ger and better than last year. So now we middle of your exams this date has been will it cost me? have cleared that up a few more ques- chosen because it's the only time that To transform college into a venue suitable tions... there are no exams on a Friday near the for the ball costs a fair bit of money (sur- Queens Lawn. One disadvantage of prising I know, as most people I speak to What is a Summer Ball? bringing a massive stage onto the think college epitomises the ultimate Well other than state the obvious (rumour Queens Lawn means that it takes a day to party atmosphere), however college have has it that Imperial contains intelligent set up and results in a lot of noise. generously donated £20,000 so that the people!), it is an opportunity for over 1,500 All I can say is that you now know the ball can go ahead. Given this donation the students to get together, dress up and date ages in advance and it might be a tickets will be sold at the same price as have a good time. This year's extravagan- good time to take a day off working and last year £25 for the evening's entertain- za will be the biggest ever held in college. use the Summer Ball as a break. ments and £50 for a formal dinner plus all the entertainments. So when is it happening? What will I be able to do? On June 8, the Imperial College grounds Last year's entertainments included a What Now will be transformed into a top class enter- fairground, numerous bars and the James So all you need to remember now is the tainment venue that will include an out- Taylor Quartet. We are going to stick with 8th June. If any of you wish to get door stage on the Queen's Lawn, as well a similar successful formula but expect involved or have ideas for the event then as a fairground and a number of indoor things to be even better this year. More please email me with your details. dance arenas. information will be released closer to the Chirag Patel - Summer Ball Chair But before you all start emailing me time. [email protected] talk felix

Hindu Society's SEWA

SEWA literally means "serv Hindu and Indian societies, put ice" and that's exactly what themselves up for auction in the IC Hindu Society did from BMS Student Union room. The Friday 22nd February to stage was set and bidding Friday 1st March. As a team, began. Upto £50 was bid for just many members of our socie- one person!! The total raised ty came together to help from this event alone was a stag- raise money for SEWA inter- gering £270. national. All the Hindu soci- Wednesday - 5-a-side football eties across the country tournament - Once again, a come together as part of a cloudy day bleaked over Hyde national campaign with 'The Park, yet this did not dampen our National Hindu Students hopes for a 5-a-side football tour- Forum' nament. We had thirteen teams from all over London, who com- SEWA International is a char- peted with all their might ity group who have several against one another, to become principle roles, which include: SEWA champions. IC Hindu Soc To relieve poverty, disease and help the us all a chance to understand the life lost their three games, but the fun of play- needy, the weak and those affected by homeless people lead and the daily diffi- ing in such a tournament was worth natural calamities, disasters and other culty of living on the streets of London. every moment. The champions were a suffering. The IC Community Action Group are mixture of the Sikh Society of Imperial To educate and propagate and princi- doing a wonderful job of helping the College and the City Guilds Squad, so our ples as enunciated in Hindu Dharma with homeless, and I urge you, as when you congratulations to them. It was great that particular reference to serving the poor, can, to go and help them. teams from UCL, City and QMW came sick, needy and weak. Monday - Bollywood Film Night - For down to support the needs of SEWA. To help in the education and training of this event, we managed to obtain a lec- Thursday - Individual Events - Today, the poor, sick, disabled and socially back- ture theatre, and we were able to show we all decided to do something individu- ward students and assist them financially. the Oscar nominated film, Lagaan (which ally to raise money for SEWA. Many activ- Over this week, many of us took our is 4 hours long), which I'm sure we know ities included a 24 hour silence, 24 hour time to organise and participate in vari- is all about the game of cricket! We had a fast and 24 hour mobile free day. ous events, to help the victims of the vol- fairly good attendance, whilst Deepti and However, the highlight was the painful cano eruption in Goma, Congo and help Sheena slaved away at making some leg waxing of various members of Hindu those in Gujarat, India after the earth- amazing popcorn ! and Indian Society. Sunil, Nikhil, Anil and quake. The sheer variety of events was Tuesday - Slave Auction - Trishul Darji Amardeep from SSC all got their legs enormous and included: had some radical idea of organising a waxed by various members. Jital and Friday 22nd Feb - Wet Sponge throwing slave auction, which was extremely lucra- Pranati made the guys suffer by slowly - On a cloudy Friday lunchtime, Sunil Pala tive to many of us in the college. At yet notoriously removing the wax. Some and myself decided to get soaked to the lunchtime, 10 members from both IC of the guys were on the verge of crying bone by various students oi -' whilst others quoted college, all in the name of charity, "Mummy" (Jital gave me the as a warm-up start to Se fern I quotes). Week. After Sunil got dreriched, SEWA week was extreme- yours truly had 2 buckets of cold ly successful, and we man- water poured over him, and got aged to help raise a substan- sponges bashed in my face from j tial amount of money to help all angles. It was great fun to these innocent victims. We watch and to see me and Sunil also had a great deal of fun in suffer (Ash and Jital, it will be seeing others suffer, all in your turn next year). the name of charity: many of Sunday - Working in the IC us will not forget leg waxing Soup Kitchen - we went with the in particular. IC Hindu soup kitchen, in a packed Society would like to take minibus, to Holborn and distrib- this opportunity to thank uted sandwiches, hot drinks and everybody who participated blankets to the homeless. It gave and donated for SEWA. felix talk

Chaplaincy - The Eden Project

Over the weekend, of 1-3 March the the nightmare of Jurassic Park chaos of the domes so they have to get the hoses Chaplaincy Centre organised a visit to the man being destroyed by his creation, can out and create a monsoon at the right Eden Project in Cornwall. It was also a it really work? Inside both the domes, the time. For many species the flowering sea- chance to reflect upon related questions. plant life of different regions of our planet son is extended for the visitors. These included personal and community are displayed side by side. The paying Our guide told us she was nearly hit by responses to global environmental customer can amble through the tropics a falling tree that had not formed roots. threats; different perceptions of nature; of South America before heading past They hadn't got a dud plant, or the wrong and the contemporary use of the texts humidifiers to the tropics of the Pacific soil. There was just no wind to shake the and images of creation. and on into Africa. tree enough for it to have to form them. Gillian Straine, a post-graduate study- The array of plants is stunning. The his- And that is probably only the tip of the ing atmospheric physics, offers her reac- tory of the plants and our use of them are iceberg. tions to the latest environmental and clearly displayed. It is a living, working You can recreate the right temperature engineering wonder of the world. experiment having only been opened for and you can get the native plants but "The Eden Project is without a doubt a one year. But can it work? with so much that you can't get the sys- fantastic conception, built in what would In my research I use computer models tem will start to diverge from reality. Not have been an ugly quarry pit. There are to simulate the atmosphere of Earth. Yet that we won't learn a great deal on the two huge Martian bio-domes, with a for all the computing power we can't way. I praise Eden and think we need Tracy island type construction straddling come close to recreating our weather and more exciting ambitious projects where them containing the essential restaurant climate. We end up making large assump- the ways of the past are challenged. But and gift shop. The whole place seemingly tions and achieve a rough idea, the sys- as for recreating such a complex beast as operates on uncommonly good ethics. tem being so complex. So, again, can the our planet's whole diverse flora environ- The guide says they embrace the ideas Eden project work? ment in two greenhouses, it just can't be and outlook of the young but, says the Insects aren't welcome so some of the that easy." cynic, has the wisdom of the old been plants have to be artificially pollinated. To see pictures of Eden and the trip taken into consideration? Leaving aside And of course, there isn't any weather in visit www.chaplaincy.ic.ac.uk

PhotoSoc Exhibition 2002 A Display of Photographic Art and Talent in!© th Tuesday 12 March -End of Term

5th Floor Sherfield Building, Blyth Art Space.

Opening Night All welcome! Tuesday 12th J March.

6.30pm imperial Blyth Art Space college www.su.ic.ac.uk/photosoc union 1HE UNION iflR

6 Beers on tap Regular beers from Bass, Brakspear, Carlsberg, Tetley and Youngs plus Specials from many smaller breweries.

Special

Mon-Fri: 12-2/5-close £1.85 Sat: closed/Sun: 6-close bottle

Wednesday Thursday Friday, March 22 21st Easter Party! 17 souno Threr 11 hT»OeQ floor-fl r»m*sc orvfF fufimn ananidl frolicsfmlino . /

Last Cheese Bflno niGHTi ^ 0 of the Term Admission £5 I \ SUPPORT BflNDlTicket s available in advance from the ' from 8pm Union Beception, first floor Beit Quad. Prizes provided by Odeon Cinema., £1/pint Tetleys orjjgj^ for the Best Fancy Dress Costumes. Carlsberg while beer FREE Jelly BeUy beans and a FREE shot lasts from 5pm (dBs only) of Bacardi and mixer on the night for alL Plus extra seating for DaVincVs Cafe MOi EIILV on stage from 10pm Friday Night Out 8pm-2am Supported by £1 Union/£1.50 Guests Barbeque in the Quad 7:30pm/FREE@the union BACARDI ^

3/22 imperial Union Building — Cafe W — collegel Beit Quad R.O.A.R. Open noon-11pm Saturdays and noon-10:30pm Sundays IJ union talk

Viva El Presidente!

The Union is listening also allow the union to target more Most people seemed happy with the resources towards these specialist nights. prices the Union charges for entry. We are Following a lot of comments about the Another key topic that was brought up after all one of the cheapest Unions in Union services, I hosted an open meeting was bar promotions. There was a desire to London and some even suggested increas- last week to look at entertainments pro- have more offers at the bar on a greater ing it to allow for more bar promotions and vided by the Union and how we can specialised nights. improve things. It proved very useful in If you agree or disagree with any of this, getting, first hand, some of the views of or have any other views or suggestions, students using the Union and I thought I please email [email protected]. So what would share some of them here. is the next step? The Union will take these One of the key themes that came from recommendations and hope to have things the meeting is the desire for more Cheese. in place soon. Following its success, I plan Although I am not a great lover of cheese it to expand these open meetings and apply seems that is what students want. There it to other areas of the Union. also appears to be confusion between the This is the start of a wider process to different nights at the Union. Students did ensure that the Union starts listening to its not know what was happening. There was members and delivers the services they a strong call for a singularly themed Friday want. Shortly we hope to have online and Wednesday nights. This would mean variety of drinks. The Union has a limited anonymous feedback forms. There will that there would be the same basic format number of drink promotions, the £l-a-pint also be a series of market research initia- for all Wednesday and Friday evenings. on Wednesday night being the most popu- tives and development of a strategy to This would allow more specialist nights lar. There were suggestions to extend it to ensure that we continue to meet the needs such as School Disco or band nights to have a happy hour or promotions on select- of our members. happen on a monthly basis. This would ed lines of beer and "alcopops". Sen Ganesh

Editorial Rantings

I found this picture, and I look so cheeky, I quite an arse (sorry David), but surely the don't want to have to go through all this thought I'd give myself an editorial just so plan should be to make the Union a better type of shit myself, but I think there is I can publish pictures of my own mug. place, and better run. something wrong with the system if peo- Arrogant, you might say, and you could be ple use the power given to them by you right. But that's not what I brought you (apparently, but from the inside you see it's here to talk about. Well it was, actually, but quite a nepotistic regime) just to take out I've already run out of steam on that sub- personal grudges. Now maybe I'm being a ject, so I'll move onto another. cynic. It is certainly possible that some What is going on in the Union? Is it just people truly believe that the election was me, or has the entire thing just degenerat- undemocratic, but if we re-run these elec- ed into a bitch-slapping, bodice-ripping, tions, no-one will vote. Everyone knows mud-wrestling, ego-wank-fest? this. We have enough trouble with voting I think that was the best sentence ever in the first place. So we re-run the elec- written. tions, and only one department votes, Let's look at the evidence. Elections. Oh because the rest of College is so disillu- dear. They go all wrong, and from what I sioned by the whole farce that they reckon can gather, instead of anyone really caring, what's the point. And I'm inclined to there seems to be two camps. Those who agree, because I am guilty of abusing that don't think it was really that bad, and system myself. I certainly had an unfair those who want to bitch-slap David advantage this year, because through my Francis, who was the returning officer. I job I have met the 'movers and shakers' of fully agree that it was all done rather hap- the Union, who are the people who then hazardly, but the main aim seems now not 'advise' their friends, and their friends, to make sure it doesn't happen again, but Maybe I'm being a bit naive. After all, do how to vote. My point? just to publicly humiliate David. I can you see me running for President to sort it Democracy my big fat arse, frankly. understand that desire, because he can be all out? No, because I'm not a nutter, and I will talk felix

Inkwell: Tanaka's Gift

Inkwell is back (after a brief period in that ly need a "Prestigious New Entrance"? In serve to enhance the IC position as a top barren landscape known as "catching up what way does a PNE facilitate the flight institution both at home and abroad. with school work") and my quill today Imperial College quest to gain global An entrance, on the other hand is sim- takes me to the very front gates of this fine recognition as a world-class institution? ply. .. an entrance. It's rather like a design- institution where work has begun on the My answer, none what so ever. er shirt. It's pretty. It's expensive. But what Prestigious New Entrance that Imperial There exists a fine line between spend- does it say about the true nature of the College is soon to have. ing for a useful purpose and squandering wearer's character? Nothing at all! A visi- The Exhibition Road entrance is now lit- millions on what appears on the surface to tor to IC, or a passer-by might say, "Oh tle more than a monstrous pile of brick, be a fine investment but is little more than what a prestigious new entrance they've rubble and unsightly heavy-duty machin- a display of sound and fury signifying got". But apart from that what purpose ery. All part of the lovely 25 million pound nothing. After all, even the least percep- does it serve? package from IC alumnus and millionaire tive of us will notice that there are numer- It won't make student life any less diffi- philanthropist Dr. Gary Tanaka. ous other areas of far greater importance cult than it already is. It won't improve the Now, on paper it all seems swell and that are desperately in need of funding. teaching quality of our lecturers. And it honky dory. Oh how wonderful, how very Every year for instance, hundreds of sec- certainly won't shoot Imperial College benevolent of an Imperial alumni to spread ond year students (like my humble self) are three places up the league table. So why is the seeds of his success on his academic disgorged from the relative comfort of the exhibition road entrance looking the roots. After all, with continuous threats Halls of Residence into a city that empties way it is now? from the higher education funding council the old student coffer quicker than you can It seems to me to be another sad case of towards substantially cutting funding for say TANAKA! Would an investment The Golden Rule. i.e. He who has the gold University Departments, an extra £25mil- towards the provision of more halls of resi- makes the rule! lion quid in the bank isn't that bad. Or is it? dence not serve a more useful purpose? Gary Tanaka's gift is appreciated and You see naturally the question-O-meter The planned refurbishment of South-side very much welcome. I do however think all in my head has again risen to critical point Halls, the re-construction of the Beit Halls, the money could have been better spent and a few issues have continued to oscil- and the grand feature of architectural wiz- on something more important and less late to and fro within the inner walls of the ardry that is the Bio-medical Science build- superficial that a Prestigious New ol' Nate Evuarherhe cranium. ing are all worthy of praise, for these have Entrance. First Quesch: Does Imperial College real- proved to be world class facilities that Nate Evuarherhe talk back

LEQs: The Return sources more rigorously as the ered. We certainly don't like to tions will be taken to the article was littered with factu- get our facts wrong, so we Rector. In the review, the will, al inaccuracies. have apologised on Page 2. Union has been successful in Your readers may be interest- We did not, in fact, say that ensuring price cuts for I would like to add fuel to the ed to learn that the formal you had submitted your com- Linstead, Weeks and debate about the LEQ that has complaint, which I made in plaint due to "sour grapes". Southside. In total over third of been churning away over response to many grievances However, it is important to rooms will have a price cut most of this term. expressed by the students I point out that at least ten next year. On first hearing of the idea for represent, was in fact sent to members of Council (excluding It is clear that there has been LEQ I was pleasantly sur- the returning officer by email sabbaticals, of course) said under-investment in halls of prised - a good idea, I thought. as required, before the count that they believe this to be the residence over the last few That'll save time, I thought. commenced on Saturday case and it was these allega- years and the Union has How gullible I was. If you morning. Sellotape was not tions that were reported. worked with College to ensure have ever tried to enter infor- involved at any time. Nor was You did implicitly criticise Mr that the refurbishment of Halls mation on these forms (a task Blu-Tac, chewing gum, staples Francis in your complaint. You is made top priority. We have in itself, as I had to email the or any other adhesive. questioned the actions of the commitment from the Rector administrator twice regarding My sole argument is with the Returning Officer (Mr Francis) that Southside refurbishment a non-working password), procedure of the election, and those of the Election will commence next year. you'll find that it takes easily mainly proxy voting, and the Committee (chaired by Mr Unfortunately as an asset as long as the paper version. difficulties this created for Francis). You also questioned Garden Hall (with a total of 82 This is partly to do with the those wanting to vote. These whether or not the election residences) is worth a lot of fiddlyness of the bloomin' but- include medical students, was run properly (an election money (over £10M) and given tons - but mostly caused by whose interests are my run by Mr Francis), though the current financial position the torrent of abuse I felt com- responsibility. Mr Francis was admittedly stopped short of of College it is necessary to pelled to write at the end, in not implicitly criticised in my questioning his adherence to "sweat" our assets to improve the 'comments' box. While complaint, nor was that con- the constitution. services for all. This money this was obviously optional, I clusion intended to be drawn In answer to your final ques- will be used to pay for devel- just had to do it as the first from the statement I put for- tion, we got that awful photo opment and refurbishment of part was so tricky. ward. The sceptics among you from our photo archives. It is Southside which will benefit To add to this, was the fact may believe that my complaint locked in a cupboard in a base- more than 350 students. that I had 15 of the bloody was "sour grapes" on behalf of ment, so quite some explosive There are no easy choices. things to fill in. I gave up after Idris Harding, who happens to charge will be required before Ultimately I believe in the long six. A better system must be be a medical student. This is we're rendered unable to re- run we will have facilities to obtained, that is agreed, but simply not the case. I am voic- use it. We thought the hat match some of the best insti- can we have one that doesn't ing the complaints of a num- rather suited you © AW tutions in the world. The take up nine tenths of our free ber of students who felt disen- Union believes that we must time. Time for a return to franchised during the voting have good quality affordable paper, I feel. procedure. Garden Hall accommodation that is easily The tone of the article sug- accessible to College, but it Yours etc. gests that the re-running the Dear Felix, will take time. There have Ed Bradford (Mech Eng III) election will be an extrava- been too many short term gant waste of money that Firstly following the letter fixes and it is time to engage a You may also like to know that could be used for student from the Garden residents last long-term strategy that will the electronic LEQ system is activities. Ensuring democra- week, I took up their kind offer benefit all students. making a triumphant return at cy at Imperial is money well to tour Garden Hall and I must the end of this term too! spent, even if it costs more say it very nice indeed. It is Sen Ganesh, President than a set of rugby jerseys. clear why the residents are Imperial College Union very proud of the hall. Election Complaint Yours, I want to address the key Shazia (ICSM SU President) issues relating to the proposed East Meets West Dear Felix, PS - Where did you get that sale of Garden Hall and what awful photo?! the Union has been doing in Dear Felix, I was saddened to see that general with respect to Felix has departed from its You imply that a single, trivial accommodation. Following a letter about the usual high standards of jour- inaccuracy renders the article The Union has worked with East Meets West show, I nalism in the front-page article 'littered' with lies. It seems the residences to undertake a thought it would be appropri- of issue 1231. I suggest in only fact you dispute regards comprehensive price review of ate to reply. Whilst I do not future you should confirm your how your complaint was deliv- halls and the recommenda- intend to respond to the per- back talk

sonal remarks made against ful event. We work with soci- ing around distributing flyers Why does virtually every stu- me, I thought it was appropri- eties to continually improve all day instead of fighting on dent talk to catering staff as if ate to outline some of the deci- our procedures and services, students' behalves, is it really they're human-shaped vend- sions taken and the reasons but the Union always wel- the kind of organisation that ing machines? In the best behind them. comes constructive criticism we should be joining? cases, students seem to grunt (a) The Indian Society that allows us to improve This referendum is being held acknowledgement, in the Committee were made things for all. amongst Imperial College stu- worst case ignore them alto- fully aware of the fire dents, so surely they are the gether. When you're paying for capacity in advance and Sen Ganesh , President, only ones who should try to your food or someone's cleared confirmed in a meeting a Imperial College Union influence the outcome - yet your table for you, is a simple week before their event. another example of the NUS "Thanks" too much to ask? The fact is that there were sticking its nose in where it's I know I'm starting to sound 640 people in the audience Carry-on NUS not wanted I guess. like a Daily Mail reader, but and 150 performers, giving while students can seem to a total of 790 people. The Dear Felix, Regards, get away with treating service capacity of the MDH is 400. Neil Manson (Materials I) staff as sub-human here, Despite several requests, a A sudden and happy thought before you know it you'll all be second overfill room was came to me. It occurred to me acting like that in cafes and not booked. The Union had that there exist two similar, And, Finally... restaurants - and I know for a to intervene and put a yet very different organisa- fact if you're rude in places booking for the JCR to tions. Dear William, like that they WILL spit in ensure that there was Both of them are spent as your food! space to cater for the political forces, though they Far away from the evils of cap- Just trying to make the world excess. aspire to hold the clout that italism and union officers, (and more hygienic) a better (b) There were professional they did 15 years ago. there's one small thing that's place. Door Staff working on the Both have changed from pow- bugging me about College I night using clickers, and to erful organisations sticking up wish I'd pointed out last year. John Clifford (Physics III) claim that they miscounted for their customers, to two is serious allegation. By clapped out, desperate collec- law, the fire capacity can- tions of uninspired rightwing not be exceeded and it gents. would be criminal offence Both of them are as useless to to do so. the public as they are good at (c) The Indian Society nearly eating up people's money. breached the License One of them is a tabloid rag, agreement by planning to the other is a national student advertise in national body. media. The Union again And their names are ana- intervened to pull the grams of each other. - can you advertising and stop the guess what they are? authorities from closing down the event. Eoghan I take offence to the allega- tions made in the letter, I total- ly refute the claim that the Dear Felix, Union had persecuted Indian Society. The truth of the mat- I'm just writing to express my ter is that if the Union had not general disgust that members stepped in, the show would of the NUS executive have have been shut down due the been around college (though difficulties experienced by the noticeably not on college or organisers. We acted in the union grounds) this week, fol- best interest of our members lowing the debate in the great and took action to ensure the hall, distributing flyers to safety of all guests. everyone that walks past. Do I would like to congratulate these people not have jobs to the Indian Society Committee do? If the NUS can afford to on organising a very success- have its key players wander- this week k s Wednesday Thursday Thi Wee

Cheesy Wotsits Sound Band Night Would that be a Sound, mate. Mos Eisly,

s Wednesday I hear call- apparently. Possibly it's n ing my name? Or is it some music. Would the echo of drunken seem reasonable. Or sportspeople dancing to maybe just sound. Sorry. Unio Event Steps? I just don't know. Just joking, fellas. Union, Till Hell Freezes... dBs, 8pm

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t have any Messiahs in it they were bastards in A Movie at all. But it might have those days) builds a some very naughty boys time machine. Heard it.

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Gigs more of an effort. experimental for the day. bottle of pepsin8on.il with every Concert Underworld Shepherd's Bush Empire

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Friday Weekend Monday Tuesday Wednesday

Easter Party I'm not sure Tree House Building Trivia Go Home See adverts everywhere. It's the weekend. Only joking. Hopefully You, yes, you, yes, you, It's the end of term. Stop I think the main appeal Hopefully you'll he you'll be recovering from yes, you, yes, you can bugging me. I'm off for a is that I'm going to be recovering from the the weekend. I know I win a nice shiny 100 bath. I might even put there dressed as Hugh party last night. I know I will be. Either that or in pound coin. Just for water in it this time. Heffner. No? Oh, you will be. Either that or in a gutter somewhere. Ah, being clever. Which you Then I'm going to hiber- cruel, cruel people. a gutter somewhere. pathos... know you are. nate for 4 weeks. Union, Till Death Do Us... Somewhere, Sometime Somewhere Else, Or Not Da Vinci's, Early Evening My room, April

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'xxiXxx. drddd Woo! death death! Hohe. haha. !' . :..."'.. "'X.. music reviews

Busta Rhymes Vex Red Biffy Clyro Genesis Start With A... Blackened Sky

Out now on J records Out now on Virgin records Out now on Beggars Banquet records

Like almost all hip-hop albums these [The full title is Start With A Strong And This Kilmarnock-based trio are going to days, with the honourable exception of Persistent Desire] be very important - they not only take Jay-Z's The Blueprint, this new release Vex Red are from Aldershot. That's not rock to places that rock hasn't been from Busta Rhymes is way too long. As very rock 'n' roll, is it? What is rock 'n' roll before, but they take it first class on Con- this is pretty much endemic to the genre, is the way they were signed - Ross corde, complete with champagne and I find it best to review each album as a Robinson (who produces Slipknot, Korn, caviar and those little screens in the compilation. On this level, you're free to At The Drive-in and Amen) called the backs of the seats. simply pick and choose between the boys up one day while they were watch- Every single member of the band tracks, and suddenly Genesis becomes ing a video, and signed them after hear- sings, meaning that there is no apparent much more admirable. ing one demo tape. Vex Red must be a bit "front man", but as all the boys seem to There's Dre's excellent Break Ya Neck, special, then, as must Start With A have similar voices, this doesn't detract featuring a typically frenetic vocal from Strong And Persistent Desire, the debut at all from the music. Rhymes ("Break ya fuckin' neck, bitch- album from this delightfully charismatic The opening track is the pleasantly es!"), and Bounce (Let Me See Ya Throw and charming band. functional Joy. Discovery. Invention, It) with some great stabbing strings and At its best, this album is amazing. which begins with a quiet twelve-note a rumbling bass. Tracks which spring to mind as master- guitar riff and finishes with an all-out The Neptunes turn in a couple of excel- pieces include the recent single Can't rocking chorus. Justboy and the rather lent joints - As I Come Back sounds like Smile, with its gritty, low-pitched sam- brilliantly titled Kill The Old, Torture Busta literally growling over the best pling and amazing guitar riff, and the Their Young follow, both combining some bass-driven Neptunes production I've slow, smooth Untitled. of the best aspects of Muse and At The heard in quite a while, and What It Is fea- Sadly, some of the other tracks on the Drive-in. tures Kelis on the last verse. album are found wanting. In particular, It's hard to pick out the outstanding The title track is also worthy of a men- Clone Jesus and The Closest sound tracks on this CD, because there are so tion, with the kind of spare background strangely empty, despite the fact that many instantly memorable, completely usually associated with early RZA they are both quite rocky, with heavy gui- singable rock anthems. But Scary Mary efforts. Then there's Shut 'Em Down tar riffs and drum beats. is probably the best track, a sweet, 2002, Pete Rock's reworking of the Public That said, fans of Vex Red will be melancholy, heartfelt collection of Enemy classic, which has Busta rapping pleased with this debut effort. The five thoughts about a broken relationship: away over the top. This track is Rhymes have sidestepped the temptation to sim- "You made patterns in my face, you at his best, the stripped-down backing ply make a collection of excellent tracks, painted pictures with my tears". contrasting with his larger than life per- and have chosen instead to make an Unfortunately, there's a problem with sona. album which flows well, like a piece of the album. The clean-cut sound of Biffy It's easy to judge an album like Genesis poetry or a good story. Clyro is sometimes slightly masked with by its guest appearances, and to concen- Start with a strong and persistent feedback and other little niggly sounds trate on the production over the sup- desire? Vex Red certainly seem to have that were blatantly added in post-pro- posed star of the show. Busta, with his done just that, and good luck to them. duction. Someone should find whoever sheer force of personality, manages to Not that they need it - how many other produced this and convince him to take avoid this, and the result is one of the bands can you name that got signed and up a new career as a Buddhist monk in best rap albums of the last couple of got this far on the basis of one cheap Tibet. Then maybe we can listen to Biffy years. demo tape? Clyro, perfect and unmarred, in peace.

Toby G Jess Jess reviews music

HAMMONDfSl STREET NWS mm. ^dteTiy i' .

Sahara Hotnights Remy Zero Various Jennie Bomb The Golden Hum Hammond Street

Out now on RCA records Out now on Eastwest/Electra records Out now on Acid Jazz records

To quote the band's publicity material, Remy Zero - a strange name, but I like it. What exactly is "acid jazz"? I guess it Sahara Hotnights were formed in In fact, without much knowledge of their means, roughly, music that is a bit like Northern Sweden when "four [female] music, it's the main reason why I decid- jazz in the sense that it may contain friends, united by a mutual love for ed to review this album, and I'm pleased some improvisation and use similar Nirvana, coupled with the boredom that I went with my gut feeling. instruments, but has a steadier, rockier a small town existence inspires, decided The first track is one of those intros beat and is intended to be danceable. to pool their collective musical talents that make you forget you've put some There's nothing wrong with having jazz into chasing the rock 'n' roll dream". I'd music on at all. It's long and quiet, but records that you can dance to, but much guess that they still like Nirvana, and picks up eventually and gradually builds of what is labelled "acid jazz" can often that they're still chasing that rock 'n' roll up into The Golden Hum, which has a be bland and uninteresting. dream. But now they're the ones inspir- nice lead guitar piece and a catchy cho- So it is with several of the tracks on ing boredom. rus. The album continues with the same this compilation, all of which feature the Sahara Hotnights are a "proper, good vibrant feeling, changing the pace, slip- Hammond organ. Personally, I'm a fan of old-fashioned" band, in the sense that ping off into melodic moments of harmo- the Hammond, but it is an instrument North By Northwest is a "proper" film, ny, and then coming back with choruses capable of producing both a cool, excit- and the Eton Wall Game is a "good old- that have you singing along and playing ing sound and a very corny sound. fashioned" sport. There are no frills and air guitar. Unfortunately, much of this record falls no messing about. On Jennie Bomb, their With more than the occasional refer- into the latter category. second album, the guitars have only got ence to Travis and Semisonic, this album Nearly all of the tracks are very recent, one setting (punk-heavy), the drummer may not be particularly novel, but it's a with a couple of oldies thrown in cour- only plays one beat (punk-heavy) and the good listen nonetheless. tesy of Reuben Wilson and Jimmy largely uninspiring lyrics can only be I instantly recognise track six as the McGriff. These seem to stand out above described as, er, punk and heavy. theme from the TV series Smallville - a the dross, particularly Wilson's track, However, I must admit that what they song that I like at the moment, but will which is much more "straight-ahead" do, they do well. Maria Andersson's begin to hate with venom as soon as it's than the rest of the bunch. Of the newer voice is faultless, and with song titles overplayed. Later songs include I'm Not tracks, the Sugarman Three effort stands like Alright Alright (Here's My Fist Afraid, which will feature in the next out for its simplicity: a solid groove and Where's The Fight?), you know that their series of Dawson's Creek, and the faster, messy organ over a repeated sax riff and hearts are in the right place. And they've more upbeat Impossibility. There is a hid- sampled bar crowd sounds. The James been nominated for a couple of Swedish den track too, but it's nothing special. Taylor track also chugs away at a fairly Grammy awards too, so maybe up in Having noticed a web address on the rocky pace. Unfortunately, that's about it Scandinavia they appreciate good punk a album sampler, I discovered that Remy - the rest of the tracks tend to lack any little more than I do. Zero were hand-picked by Radiohead to real substance or groove. But I'm going to stand by my conclu- open their latter OK Computer shows, The truth is that there is a lot of great sion. The Hotnights are clearly influ- and that they've toured with Semisonic Hammond-based music out there, in enced by most of the great punk acts, and Travis (which had no effect on their many different styles. Potential plus of course the Nirvana method of musical style whatsoever of course). Hammond fans would perhaps be better writing songs around one good hook. The Overall, a good third album, and I spending their hard-earned loan on the problem is, if the hooks aren't much expect to hear a lot more from Remy Zero music of Jimmy Smith, Michael Brecker good, then neither is the band. in the future. or Medeski, Martin and Wood.

Derek ID Toby B Russ music reviews

INTERVIEW with Didz from The Cooper Temple Clause

You know as well as I do that The Cooper Temple Clause are the

Next Big Thing,M. Their music captures the best aspects of elec- tronica, grunge, rock and indie, puts them in a blender and makes the tastiest musical smoothie you'll drink this year. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee that any of the informa- tion in this interview is correct - the band are well known for attempting to spread rumours about themselves that are, quite frankly, false. And considering that this interview was conduct- ed by 'phone, well, there's no telling...

FELIX: So, your new single hit the top twenty last week - how does that feel? DIDZ: It was good, the nicest part of it was being able to do LIVE: The Charlatans + music shows on the telly, playing for all those kids who like Al and stuff. It's not like I've got something against Al, it's just The Cooper Temple Clause that they were on right before us on Top Of The Pops. Can you give us a good reason to buy your album? + Minuteman @ Astoria I think because we're not really like anything else out there. I mean, some people say we're like Muse, but that's because It seemed, from the size of the crowd this evening, that they're not afraid to experiment with sounds either. Minuteman are not a particularly well-known band. The four- What inspires your lyrics? piece launched into a pretty indiscriminate indie-guitar set, A lot of it is just unoriginal stuff, like boy meets girl kind of which was entirely forgettable apart from a haunting feeling thing, and that's really important, it's a good thing to write that someone had just done a cover version of Radiohead's True about. But some of it is just about personal or emotional situa- Love Waits. Which, strangely enough, nobody had. tions, events, scenarios, contemplating suicide, you know. What kind of stuff did you listen to as a kid? Well, we all listened to grunge and brit-pop, but after a while we realised there wasn't anything new out there that we want- As always, The Cooper Temple Clause (pic above) were on top ed to listen to, so we decided to get together and make our own. form. They played through the whole range of emotions - from What do you listen to now? the crazed stalker (Film Maker) to the lonely, suicidal man Quite a lot of stuff, I think if you listen to our album you can get (Murder Song). Didz, as is customary, waltzed on two minutes quite a good idea. Quite a lot of electronica and indie stuff, Muse late, and Ben managed to break at least two tambourines by the and Radiohead. end of the forty-minute set. Nothing new there, then. People say you're quite similar to Radiohead - do you take This band are completely in love with music, and all they're that as a compliment? doing is allowing other people to appreciate that. Perhaps that's Well, Radiohead are a great band. They're probably one of our something that the hundred or so heckling Charlatans fans favourite bands, collectively. Definitely in the top... three. So should have thought about. yeah, definitely a compliment. If you get a chance to see the Coopers, then do. They're well Who did you want to win Pop Idol? worth it, time and time again, for the sheer amount of energy I don't care, it's shit. It's really stupid, it's like dangling a carrot that this Reading six-piece can unleash is simply amazing. under the kids' noses to give them something new to drool over. I suppose Darius has got a bit of talent. We played football against him once, I think he was in goal. He was rubbish. Have you been to any good gigs recently? I'm sorry. The Charlatans were completely upstaged by their Yeah, we went to a good gig a couple of days ago, we went to support. After hearing The Cooper Temple Clause play their set, see ...Trail Of Dead at the Astoria, that was absolutely incredi- we could only manage four Charlatans songs before walking ble. In fact, me and Tom, when we go to a gig with a decent out in disgust at the lack of anything even remotely interesting. band and a decent-sized venue, we always go down the front A few of the more intelligent people in the crowd followed suit. and try a bit of crowd-surfing. We pieced together the information we had, and decided that Jess they'd definitely played their best song, Love Is The Key, first. As people poured out of the Astoria, we heard tales of Tim There's loads more to this, but I just couldn't fit it all in. Go to Burgess juggling and the set being good. Believe what you will. www.union.ic.ac.uk/felix for the full interview. You'll also find full versions of several other interviews we've done recently. Dave Jess reviews music

OUT THIS WEEK

ALBUMS BUSTA RHYMES - Genesis CAPITOL K - Island Row DESERT HEARTS - Let's Get Worse REMY ZERO - The Golden Hum THE STREETS - Original Pirate Material SINGLES ENGERICA - My Demise GEORGE MICHAEL - Freeek! RIVAL SCHOOLS - Used For Glue SEAFOOD - Western Battle SI FUTURES - Eurostar

LIVE: Kosheen Singles @ Pacha Roundup

This was quite simply unbelievable. Think of going to a gig at a RIVAL SCHOOLS - Used For Glue five star hotel. Think of a fantastic band, playing ten tracks of Rival Schools prove that it is possible to be deadly serious the finest live dance music you've heard in a long, long time. whilst also being fun to listen to, and this is probably the best You're not even close. cut from their mostly excellent debut album. The pounding cen- Pacha, located a mere stone's throw from Victoria tube sta- tral riff makes Used For Glue a genuinely adrenalising track. Oh, tion, is well worth a visit, although one suspects that it's usual- and the chorus is bigger than the Earth - fact! Buy three copies. ly fairly pricey if you don't have the luxury of a press pass. I real- ly don't exaggerate when I compare it with a hotel - there were SBBBB Kunal chandeliers, plants, leather sofas, wood panelling, and people walking around with trays of wine glasses. We were even treat- SEAFOOD - Western Battle ed to some free food courtesy of Poseidon. This up-to-date rock song is another strong offering from Kosheen, arriving on stage a mere half-hour late, were Seafood. It has a more serious sound than their previous single, absolutely superb, playing tracks from their debut album Resist the excellent Splinter, but it's not quite as good. That's not to and grabbing our attention from the off with (Slip & Slide) say it isn't catchy - some parts of the song are very memorable, Suicide. Sian Evans' distinctive powerful vocals were comple- especially the chorus. mented perfectly by guitar, bass, drums, keyboards and a guy playing a sort of electronic 'cello. Robin Playing live, Kosheen manage to add extra energy and emo- tion to their music without losing the polished feel of the album. ALFIE - A Word In Your Ear The central theme was drum 'n' bass, of course, but the A smart and clever pop song. Quiet guitars, percussion and changes in mood, style, rhythm and speed were more than sweet vocals combine on this beautiful track which ends by effective. adding several instruments (keyboards, strings, chorus) but Kosheen are now used to playing the big arenas, and so it still staying under control. Definitely the best song they've ever was a real privilege to be part of an audience of only around 200, done. I look forward to the next album. especially at such a classy venue. We stood right at the front, making eye contact with the performers, and the only real low 09988 Frangois point was when the hour-long set came to its conclusion and the band left the stage. MOQSHA - Moksha The Destroyer vs Dubzilla Moqsha are four blokes out of college who like twiddling B8BSB Dave knobs and a girl who can just about hit the notes. This, their debut release, is a "mini-album", available for the price of a sin- COMPETITION WINNER gle. The first four tracks, remixes of the title track and of Super The winner of the Alicia Keys competition from Issue 1230 is Massive Black Holes, are uninspired Bristol scene bandwago- the gloriously named Anthony Jude Rodrigues of EEE 4. He nism. Respite comes with Judas, a dark, broody atmospheric wins the album Songs In A Minor and the single A Woman's track, and, to a lesser extent, with Inspector Morse, which drags Worth. Alicia Keys was nominated for two Brit awards - Best out the idea a bit too much. International Female and Best International Album. 98DDO Robert clubbing reviews

London Xpress INTERVIEW with 93 Feet East Red Snapper

London Xpress once again puts on a line- Red Snapper are Richard Thair, Ali Friend own stuff, I'll be producing up and com- up that is just that little bit different. and David Ayers. They came together in ing bands and artists. With headline sets from Rob Birch of the early nineties to produce their calling Stereo MCs fame and Richard Thair, for- card blend of jazz, funk and hip-hop. Well that's the future, but in your time merly of Red Snapper, this is definitely a After seven years, they have recently as Snapper, do you feel that you did night that stands out from the rest on the announced that Red Snapper is to come everything you wanted to do? clubbing calendar. to an end. The crowd is rather different from the Richard: We didn't start out with a plan, usual menagerie of posers, pillheads and FELIX: As you are all here together, I so everything that happened was a com- beerboys that you might expect at a club guess the end of Red Snapper has been plete surprise. in London. There is an air of sophistica- quite an amicable one? tion about the place, an air of culture, of Ali: It was like "Whoa, it's another self-knowing cool. But that doesn't mean Richard: Yes, we're all really good album!" they don't enjoy a little boogie. Indeed, friends, so we never let it get to a situa- there are three whole rooms to shake tion where we all fall out - we're really David: I'm proud of all the albums we your thang to: the dark and slightly not that sort of people. Our motivation made. We made music that we are really industrial main room is perfectly compli- had always been to write and perform proud of and we got to play a lot of great mented by the casual, party-esque side unusual music, and maybe we had just gigs, see some of the world and have a bar and the smart and stylish loft bar gone as far as we could as a threesome good time. with adjoining terrace. The side bar is like a decompression And in what ways are you each going So is there any chance that you guys chamber - sitting here and chatting to do your own thing? are going to collaborate again on any whlist listening to the Nuphonic label's future projects? very own Jools Butterfield allowed me to Richard: I'm DJing quite a lot and I've release all that inner city madness and started a band called Toob, I'll be doing Richard: Personally, I'm sure of it. There'll get ready for the main room. the live drums for that. It's much more always be bits of music that each of us Richard Thair's heavy-duty mix of electronic than Snapper - we didn't ever will do that'll need some guitar or some- jazzy, soulful bass and tribal drums use a lot of percussion in Snapper, so thing - in that way we can collaborate on brought hints of the Red Snapper sound, there's quite a lot of that. things... but also indicated his new musical direc- tion. This intense and heady set certain- Ali: I'm working with Ted Barnes: the David: It's just that it might not be called ly got my approval, and now that Thair two of us write with Beth Orton. We've Red Snapper. These guys are still the has moved to Bristol, I can only look for- done some stuff for her new album as best musicians I know so I would defi- ward to the next time he plays London. well as setting up our own thing which nitely want to work with them. Due to an unfortunate cold, I didn't will hopefully turn out to be a live band. make it to closing time, or even to the It's going to be a lot more melody-based. Ali: The whole point with us is that we Rob Birch set. Damn. do different things - that's what Snapper Ordinarily, I find that this club seems to David: I have a studio that I run along- was all about. Hopefully that's what finish too early, closing its doors at 2am. side my partners Felix Todd - he's a pro- we're all about as individuals. But I guess it is always better to go out ducer - and Alan McGee, and the three of on a high. us have just started up a venture called Bed Snapper's final EP, Heavy Petting, Every 4th Saturday Doors open at 8pm. Creation studios. So in addition to my is out this week on Nuphonic.

Patrick Patrick reviews clubbing

Mixmag Heaven Scent Bedrock @ Cargo @ Po Na Na @ Heaven

Cargo is one of the new-ish clubs that This night is run in conjunction with Headlining at Bedrock is usually John have sprung up in the trendy area east of Roehampton Students' Union. Digweed (sometimes accompanied by Old Street. Set in a railway arch, it does- Roehampton, I hear you cry, never heard his chum Sasha), ably supported by Phil n't look too glam from the outside, but as of it. Well Roehampton, while not exactly Thompson, with randoms in the other you approach, you notice the arty graffiti famed as a hotbed for great intellectuals, rooms. and the glass doors and realise that this seems to have a fairly impressive number The main room plays progressive is full-on Hoxton. of students of the fairer sex, making a house, the first floor room plays break- Once past the snooty door staff, the welcome change from IC. beat and drum 'n' bass, and the mezza- interior is decked out in wood and The event was, in fact, a school disco. nine room plays harder house. We were leather, with cute design features I'm sure most of you have been to one by some of the first in there, so the atmos- whipped out of the pages of Wallpaper. now, and if not then you'll probably be phere was muted, but you could feel ten- There are large screens around the venue familiar with the concept. It's on once a sion building underneath the low rhythm displaying trrppy visuals. Cargo isn't month, but there are different themes of Thompson's set. There were some fan- huge, so it retains some cosiness and every Tuesday including dressing up as tasic violence/reaction sociology study makes it easy to find friends that have movie stars and the infamous Shag Tag visuals that stayed in tune with the wandered off. It also describes itself as a nights. music. "zero tolerance" venue, so keep those While many may feel that the School The Bedrock crowd were relaxed and bifters subtle or you'll be out. Disco phenomenon has moved rather casual, with a "here to dance" attitude Back to the evening. Agent Sumo rapidly from cult to cliche, it is definitely and none of the well-documented lack of played some funky house which was all the better for being a student night. atmosphere that typifies most other bearable but nothing special. A friend Obviously it's cheaper, at just £3, and you London clubs. absolutely loved it though, so what do I get away from any dreaded 30-some- A quick tour of the other rooms turned know? Lisa Lashes was up next with a thing office party ambience. up some fairly good stuff, but we soon banging, eclectic set, playing everything I could talk about the music, but tired of this and returned to the large from breakbeat to electro, through hard there's no point really with this sort of room for Digweed's set. The crowd was house and hip-hop. This got the dance night - you know full well that come lam heaving, and the man didn't disappoint. floor heaving, with many a punter trying you'll be dancing like a muppet to Come The basslines were hard and funky, and to get a better look at Lisa's decks. On Eileen next to some young girl in during the breakdowns when we didn't Lashes was the highlight for me (and if stockings and suspenders. After all, think he could come back with anything you care, the low point was probably that's why one attends such wonderful better, Digweed pulled another stormer clubbing editor Alex puking, at a bus stop events. Or if you're the esteemed club- out of the bag. The strobe lights were out at 2am). bing editor, you'll nip behind the in force, the noise was deafening, the The last DJ was Judge "won't budge" metaphorical bike sheds with a real ten- rhythm was pulsating, and the experi- Jules, taking a bit of a diversion from his pinter. ence was awesome. usual hard trance style with some funki- But enough of such frivolity, for what We rocked 'til the early hours, and the er house after midnight. remains is a word for the venue. It is dance floor was packed until the final The sound system was great - big and colossal, big enough even for the largest tune. The crowd bayed for more, and bassy, without getting too muffled and of congas, and better still, it was were rewarded with a grand finale of a with no dead spots either. If you are a absolutely rammed come midnight. Come With Us remix. Tired but content, house fan or you just like to look cool, So if you want a fun, cheesy and inex- we joined the bun-fight for the cloakroom then this night is for you. pensive night out anytime soon, there and crawled out of the club. Every third Wednesday. 7pm - lam. £5. can't be many better than this. Every first Thursday of the month.

TomX BBBBB Rocco Siffredi BBBBB Tom F film reviews

Monty Python & the Holy Grail 24 Hour Party People DVD release 4th March released 5th April 2002

We Were Soldiers is the latest Vietninterpretation from the man Manchester 1976. Tony Wilson, the future co-founder of factory who wrote screenplay for the likes of the historically inaccurate records, owner of the notorious Hacienda nightclub, and Braveheart (1995) and the award-winning Pearl Harbour (2001). Granada TV presenter, is attending an early Sex Pistols gig. Randall Wallace directs the story of one of the most savage bat- There are no more than 42 people attending an event that tles m U.S. history, when 400 brave Americans were surround- changes the course of British music forever. Sitting at the front ed by 2,037 North Vietnamese soldiers. They fought for freedom, in the audience, Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook, soon to and to free the free world... This is just silly. become Warsaw, then Joy Division, and finally New Order. The The wise King Arthur and his most trustworthy servant Patsy quiet little ginger-nut in the corner, that's Mick Hucknall. And set out on a quest ordained upon them by almighty God to find there's a stretford school kid, Morissey. the exultant Holy Grail. And soforth on their way they join These are the opening scenes of a movie that tells the story of forces with Sir Lancelot "The Brave", Sir Robin "The Not-Quite- the biggest pop culture explosions in recent music history. So-Brave-as-Sir Lancelot", Sir Galahad "The Pure", Sir Gawain, Movements which owe a great deal to the creative vibrancy and and Sir Bedevere. Their adventures are chronicled in legendary energy of Manchester. We have in this movie the birth of Punk, Monty Python And The Holy Grail (1975). the explosion onto the scene of rave-culture, and the history of These were the days when British comedy was funny and the legendary Hacienda nightclub. Monty Python ruled the Earth. Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, John 24 Hour Party People is told from the perspective of the afore- Cleese, Eric Idle, Michael Palin, and Graham Chapman, were mentioned Tony Wilson, who was there throughout. He is the funniest people on the planet. They went on to make The played brilliantly and at times hilariously by the best character- Life Of Brian (1979), but their greatest achievement has to be comedian in the world, Steve Coogan. Forget The Parole Officer, the movie they made on a shoestring budget of £150,000. Most this is Coogan's element. There's a memorable scene where of their other work often seems to Palin comparison. Tony Wilson is presenting a second-rate Granada TV feature The DVD is a must for all fans and non-fans. In fact, every- about canals, which is just pure Tm Alan Partridge. body. There is no perceivable reason for not buying this, except The director, Michael Winterbottom, maker of the Palm D'Or if you have no sense of humour, no DVD player, or if you think nominated Welcome To Sarajevo (1997), chose to shoot the that DVDs are too expensive - which is why I'm not buying it. movie entirely on hand-held DV camera. But his main achieve- But I'm getting my mate, Recho, to thief it from Budget Records, ment has been to bring to life larger-than-life characters like the Camden High Street. Happy Monday's Ryder brothers, Bez, Ian Curtis, and Martin The extras feature a fifty-minute documentary where Terry Hannet. Characters who contributed to the music that tried to Jones and Michael Palin go back to Holy Grail set location and turn the rest of the world into Mad-chester. nostalgiasise, or perhaps more accurately, reminisce about the Coogan's performance is just one of the highlights of a movie making of the movie. There's also a short Monty Python in Lego which impresses in almost every department. It is funny, at animation made by a couple of geeks. There are subtitles in times touching, informative, and very entertaining. The only English, French, German, Spanish, and for Those-Who-Don't- drawback being the music scenes, which will tend to gravitate Like-The-Film. Animated menus. An 18-minute behind-the- to fans of the music as opposed to your average viewer. Setting scenes report by the BBC from 1974. And Loads of other funny that aside, 24 hour party people is a very ambitious film which stuff. All adding up to make an terrific DVD package. in the end succeeds.

Darius reviews film

2001: A Space Odyssey The Royal Tenenbaums at the Bfi I MAX released 15th March

Don't read this expecting me to explain what it's is all about. Starring: Gene Hackman, Ben Stiller, Anjelica Huston, Luke Wil- Because I haven't a clue. Is it about the existence of an extra-ter- son, Gwyneth Paltrow, Danny Glover, and Bill Murray. Co-writ- restrial creator? Is it about the irresolvable conflict between sci- ten and directed by Wes Anderson, who is most famous for the ence and religion? Or mankind's timeless aspiration to self-over- excellent Rushmore (1998). coming and the unattainable? Royal Tenenbaum (Hackman) and his wife Etheline (Huston) All you and I know is that anybody who claims to know what had three children, Chas (Stiller), Richie (Wilson), and Margot it's all about is a liar. Its genius is in that it is a question-provoking (Paltrow), all child prodigies. Chas was a real estate and finance philosophical trip into the pre-history and future of mankind. genius. Margot was an award-winning playwright. Richie was Some, perhaps, most people claim that it is utterly meaningless a junior champion tennis player. and like its maker, intellectually vain and pretentious. But I would Two decades of betrayal, failure, and disaster subsequently say otherwise. What it means is what you make of it, the meaning erased all memory of the young Tenenbaums brilliance. Most of you give to it. If you don't, then from the momentous start to the this was generally considered to be their father's fault. The unfathomable finale, you will tell yourself that it is meaningless. Royal Tenenbaums is the story of the family's sudden, unex- Then there's 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). Partly based on pected reunion one recent winter. Arthur C. Clarke's short story, The Sentinal. Co-written and direct- It is about success and failure, taking responsibilty for your ed by the late Stanley Kubrick. Arguably, the greatest movie of all- life, growing-up; all universal themes that will strike a chord time, way ahead of its time, and without a shadow of a monolith, with everyone, partly explaining the film's popularity amongst a masterpiece. critics and audiences alike in the U.S.. As an audio-visual experience it set a landmark in the film Highly original and witty The Royal Tenebaums is guaranteed industry. It resonated in the era of psychedelic drugs, counter-cul- to be one of the better films this year. BflBBBO ture, and all-round confusion; and still continues to amaze our twenty-first century audiences. Most of us have watched it on TV but 2001 is one of those films you have to watch in the cinema to appreciate Kubrick's audio-visuals. 2001 COMPETITION Even though it is over thirty years old it looks more authentic than most of today's sci-fi. Every penny of the £6m budget was This week's Felix On Film competition gives you an exclusive spent in giving the viewer an experience as close as possible to opportunity to OBTAIN!!! tickets to see Stanley Kubrick's 2001: actually being in space. In every moment of 2001: A Space A Space Odyssey on the big screen. Not just any big screen. The Odyssey you're sampling the wonder of the space age. Bfi's IMAX theatre boasts the largest screen in Europe. We have The best works of art are those which don't fill in the gaps in two tickets for a screening at 9pm on Sunday 24th March. You your knowledge. They open up new arenas for thought. Give you can be there if you answer the following question correctly: a different perspective. As I sat there, watching 2001: A Space In which country was Arthur C. Clarke born? Odyssey, I asked myself several questions: Will mankind ever find a) England b) United States c) Australia a purpose? Is the answer out there in the vast expanse of the uni- Answers to [email protected] verse? Will the local KFC still be open after this? If not, what about the Kebab King? I'm quite hungry. 2001: A Space Odyssey will be shown at the Bfi IMAX, Waterloo, on Friday 22nd, Saturday 23rd, Sunday 24th March, at 21:00. Darius For information and booking call: 020 7902 1234 coffee break

The Final GFQQ... for now by Bobby Cyclops & Dr. Hot Fudge

Number of players: 65 It's the last GFQQ... I promised myself I wouldn't cry... Anyway, at the time of writing we The Leader Board - top 15 have received only one entry for last week's edition, so either you're getting lazy, or the Name Score quotes got harder. In any case there will be a clear and undisputed winner, and they will Chris Ince 151.5 be announced in the first edition of Felix next term. The final deadline is the last day of Simon North 139 term: 26th March. The prize will be a top of the range DVD player. Christopher Dent 135 Well done to everyone who took part, Fudge and I hope you enjoyed it - we will contin- Anthony Rodriques 134 ue next term with a non-competitive GFQQ just for fun, and hopefully next year we will Daniel Sauder 127.5 return with an all-new GFQQ mk. 2 with another glittering prize at the end of it all! John Anderson 126.5 Good-luck Packer's - see you next term. Michael Simonds 115.5 Bobby Cyclops Andrew Ince 113.5 Fred Marquis 108 Bonus Questions for the Final GFQQ Chris Toffis 71 Rebekah Hymas 62.5 Bonus Question 1. Who was the original voice of Unicron in Transformers? Arosha Bandara 61 Gregory Mann 59.5 Bonus Question 2. Who turned down the role of Maverick in Top Gun to star in a Kubrick Geoff Lay 58 masterpiece? Kim Randell 58

Bonus Question 3. Who was cast as Marty McFly before MichaelJ. Fox took over the role? Answers to [email protected] or to the Felix Office - West Wing Basement, Bonus Question 4. In no more than 25 words tell us why you should win the quiz, our Beit Quad. favourite gets 2 extra points.

Answers to last week's quotes: 1. Jackie Gleason/Beaufort T Justice - Smokey and the Bandit 2. Roy Scheider/Chief Martin Brody - Jaws 3. Arnold Schwarzenegger/Mark Kaminsky - Raw Deal 4. Andrew Divoff/The Djinn (aka Wishmaster) - Wishmaster 5. Kevin Spacey/Lester Burnham - American Beauty 6. Yokel #2 - The Erotic Witch Project 7. Bill Young/Leiutenant - The Matrix 8. John Hurt/S. R. Hadden - Contact 9. John Hurt/John Merrick - The Elephant Man 10. Charlton Heston/Col. George Taylor - Planet of the Apes (1967) 11. Leslie Neilsen/Frank Drebin - The Naked Gun 2 1/2 12. John Cusak/Lloyd Dobler - Say Anything 13. Steve Martin/Lucky Day - The Three Amigos 14. Larry Kenny/Lion-0 - Thundercats the Movie ( + any episode) 15. Richard Dawson/Killian - The Running Man 16. John Cusak/Craig Schwartz - Being John Malkovich 17. Eddie Murphy - Raw: The Movie 18. Wayne Duvall/Homer Stokes - O Brother, Where Art Thou? 19. Robin Williams/Sean Maguire - Good Will Hunting 20. Norman Alden/Lou - Back to the Future

Bonus 1. So the movie can be filmed in LA, not Canada Bonus 2. The Journal of the Whills Bonus 3. Mumm-Ra The Everliving and his 'dog' Ma-Mutt Bonus 4. Optimus Prime Bonus 5. Dangling a microphone behind a television. (TIE fighters were the sound of race-cars going by on a wet race-track) WINNER ANNOUNCED 1st ISSUE NEXT TERM! B.C break coffee

The Final GFQQ... for now by Bobby Cyclops & Dr. Hot Fudge

1. "Freeze you diseased rhinoceros pizzle!"

2. "I've been anxious to experiment with a male Caucasian brain!"

3. "Chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip - Nanny!"

4. "You wouldn't know a good time if it fell out of the sky, landed on your face and started to wiggle!"

5. "Keep the wheels spinning and the beavers grinning."

6. "You'd better stop eyeballing me boy or I'll rip out your eyes and skull-fuck you to death!"

7. "Back in the day I was a wild disco sex machine!"

8. "I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy."

9. "I haven't seen a beating like that since someone put a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose!"

10. "Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants, well they started running short on materials right before they got to the knees so don't give me any shit. Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself 'What I wouldn't give to be 20 years younger... and a woman'. You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life"

11. "And I got down-hearted everytime that I..."

12. "Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

13. "There are children here somewhere... I can smell them!"

14. "When I sit down at an instrument, I expect to find it in tune."

15. "Well I'm sorry to hear that Felix."

16. "Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed."

17. "Learned a new word today. Atom bomb. It was like God taking a photograph."

18. "Be advised, however, that there are two more, repeat, two more motherhumpers."

19. "God help us; we're in the hands of engineers." coffee break

Crossword by Mummy Huffwell

Across Down 5 Criminally spy on chic 1. Breathe heavily after clairvoyant. (7) sheep is violent and 8. Bar second escapee. unchecked. (7) (9) 2. Hot sun amicably 9. Monument is honour reveals wave. (7) to fifty one Southern 3. Pointless fur is found Kentuckians. (7) in cat holidaying. (7) 10. Wide viewed fear over 4. We hear he curses no memory (9) cheeses. (5) 11. Drug agent to bend all 5. Computer component young the same. (7) goes for a hundred 12. Neat smells. Extra electrical safety stan- niceties! (9) dards, no replacement! 16. Two thousand and (9) one: a pig hut. This 6. Los Angeles top isn't clear. (5) industry found inside 17. Dodge woman with bowel gathering dead point. (5) together. (9) 18. Sexual assault by a 7. Bad lout's rain keeps wooden fish? (9) warmth in. (9) 22. Clumsy unimaginative 13. Trampled seven reeds donkey carries royal to right by water. (9) the French. (7) 14. Lean over after gong is 24. Cut, her man in top three. (9) Answer to 1231 - Across: Grandstand, Flop, Because, Chopper, squirmed. (9) 15. New York contains a Epaulette, Dildo, Logic, Disaffirm, Followers, Hover, Oasis, Briefings, 25. Ministry of intelli- mixture of cars and Eleanor, Orinoco, Suez, Soothsayer. gence ignited one area drugs. It's definitely Down: Gable, Archangel, Double Crossing, Treated, Nucleus, Lapel, for armed force. (7) needed! (9) Performer, Lord Of The Flies, Leftovers, Inventory, Embargo, Spin-Out, 26. Giving out again con- 19. To talk excitedly Suede, Scour. cerns is taking action. sounds like a lisping (9) person hasn't got bare And now the end is near... This is it Fudgepackers; the culmination of all 27. Man with little future. feet. (7) those months of reading this bollocks and attempting the crossword. I'll (7) 20. European community put this weeks efforts with the others in the tombola and announce the mirth mixes heat. (7) winner of the PS2 in the first issue of next term. Answers will be accept- 21. Length plus time ed until the final day of term but after that you can kiss my hariy yellow equals length. (7) butt. There'll still be crosswords next term of course, but they will only 23. Falsify identification. be for 'fun'. Last week's winner is Tom Wegelius, well done good buddy. Solid. (5) Next year there'll be more prizes and more features appearing in the wonderful coffee break section. Until next time Fudgepackers, live the dream.... Dr. Hot Fudge

Mi club active

Football-licious! Netball-tastic!

IC V2. .2S.O.PI again. After about twenty IC I 28 14 LSE arrived - Hannah returned to minutes of sustained pressure, the sidelines - and we pulled And so the curtain came down the IC centre-forward was With Slaps and Sooz missing, it back to 23-12. LSE would on the long and distinguished adjudged to have been and Jess injured, it could have have to do something amaz- careers of the fifth team leg- brought down in the box. gone all wrong for our last ing to win now with one more ends known as Skippy, Will, There were no celebrations game, but we proved tri- quarter to go. Ruthybaby Tinny and the Manatee. yet however as IC fifths had umphant! We won the first returned to Wing Attack and As a relatively uneventful missed every penalty this sea- quarter 9-3. With Jess suffer- whilst everyone was tiring, first half drew to a close cen- son. Despite this JP stepped ing, we brought her off and we made some great intercep- tre-back Tinny - in his last up and slotted the ball home saved her for the last quarter, tions and made the final push game as captain - rose at the coolly in true manatee fashion. in case it all went horribly for victory. We won overall 28 far post to head home a pre- This made for a tense last wrong. goals to 14. Amazing shooting cise corner from Will, to give twenty minutes as the S.O.P It did, however, go worse by the legends that are Beckie the IC boys a one-goal advan- boys were in desperate need than that, showing what a and 2nd team captain Jenny! tage at half time. of points to fight off relegation star player Jess is! We are too We should finish 5th in the The second -half began and worries. Despite some stiff used to the beautiful flow in Premier League of ULU; we the fifths were taken by sur- defending by IC, SOP scored centre court with her there! just escaped relegation last prise as an S.O.P kick-off lead when the number 11 pounced (Plus me at Centre - well that's season so this is brilliant stuff! to them scoring within ten on a defensive error. really far too much effort - oh Another season over, and seconds of the restart, without The game ended 2-2 and go on then, I'll use the excuse that's it for the Dream Team as a single IC player even getting unfortunately, the retiring I've had 2 concerts in the last we know it. Bring on June a touch. boys didn't get the send off 2 nights). Back came Jess for when we hit the shores of Undeterred by this minor that their years of dedication the 3rd quarter with the Barbados for our first ever hiccup, IC set about their task deserved. scores now 15-10. Supporters tour....

Ski and Snowboard-acioius!

While most of you were proba- night, and consequently they at the top of a mountain to was really like from up close. bly doing your last minute were baffled by the amount of start drinking. Five hours later, This was open to boarders and Christmas Shopping, 83 attention they received. having eaten enough fondue skiers of any ability and race Imperial students joined 1000 After two days of fantastic to last a lifetime, and having training was on hand too. In other students, in the resort of skiing and boarding, it was drunk enough to keep Oliver the afternoon, we competed in Val Thorens for a week of ski- time for the 'Three Valley Rally' Reed the wrong side of sober teams against other universi- ing and boarding at the BUSC where rudity, crudity, and for several years, we began ties. Unfortunately our A team Third Event. nudity won prizes. At various our torch lit descent back and the boarder team were To celebrate our first night checkpoints along the course, down into resort. Fortunately, knocked out in the first round, in resort, a 70's Porn Star teams had to do anything they there were plenty of BUSC but the B team kicked ass and theme night was held at one of could think of that they reps on hand to take the most made it to the finals where we the local clubs. Our President, thought might earn them incapacitated punters home were finally beaten by Bristol. Ben, set the standards for the points. Imperial teams by snowmobile. Others insist- To celebrate, we took the last night by demonstrating that mooned, skied topless, did a ed that they could make it lift up to the top of the moun- mascara was not just for eye- naked YMCA, and apple back safely, only to be later tain where we enjoyed a few lashes - it could be used on bobbed in rum in their attempt found fast asleep halfway Gluvein, before skiing or your chest hair too! Race to win. One of our group was down the piste. Most recov- boarding back to resort. Captain, Ned followed suit even heard to cry "But it ered in time to be able to As it was our last night, we and was soon seen sporting a looked like a woman from a appreciate the next evening's made sure that it would be a hockey skirt, a fluffy yellow distance" after snogging a entertainment - a School good one and partied in true top, and rather fetching impro- rather large German man. Disco. ski club style, until eventually, vised breasts. Sadly, no one On Wednesday night, to Races were held in resort on one by one, we dropped from informed the pair that the keep up the ski club tradition, our last day. The morning was either sheer exhaustion or largest gay event in the Alps we held one of our notorious an opportunity for anyone alcohol poisoning and headed that season was being held at fondue nights. After a full days interested in taking part and to bed for a couple of hours of the same venue, on the same skiing, we met at a restaurant seeing what a slalom course much needed kip. club active

Shooting Off Wet and Wild

On Sunday 10th the Imperial and the rain however did Last week, the IC swimming were also posted by Jon Page, College Rifle and Pistol Club nothing to dampen spirits, and Waterpolo club organised Jon Robinson, Chris returned to Bisley's 200 yard indeed combined with the a swimming gala between Haselwandter and Alex Short Siberia range to battle poor drainage it served to pro- England's old rivals, France , Chklar. for the Club's Jocelyn Thorpe vide more accurate service themselves and Brunei uni- Unfortunately, due to the Cup for Full Bore Shooting conditions as the range came versity. distinct lack of anything under Service Conditions. to resemble the Somme, with- The weekend got off to a vaguely female at IC, we had The rules were simple: each out the carnage or poetry. rocky start as the England to beg and steal from the elite of the 12 competitors fires 12 In the afternoon Daniel, Ben Rugby team got pounded by ULU squad to make up the rounds at the target with and Robin also did some 50m the French, but this did noth- rest of the numbers, and they either a 2nd World War British small bore shooting. Daniel ing dampen the already high helped take the IC team (58 rifle or a 1st World War beat Ben in one of their spirits of the IC club. points )to a stonking victory American rifle. The first 2 rounds, but Ben got best With the promise of booze, over both the french (28 shots are sighters, they don't score of the day in another, the brunel team arrived bushy points) and the team from count towards the score but while the rest of us did some eyed and bright tailed, also Brunei (33 points). allow the gun's sights to be snap fire targets. hoping to whip some french In the near future, a crack adjusted. The next ten shots At the end of the competi- arse. squad of swimmers will be can each give a score of tion the results were as fol- There were some very travelling over to frarice to between 0 and 5. lows: Keith and Ben came impressive swims, especially whip some more french botty Everyone did well with equal 4th, Woody came 3rd, from Julio Georgiou who and get copiously drunk... most people getting over 25 Big Mike came 2nd and the stormed to an amazing and more results will follow, plus points, although Uncle Jacob winner of the Jocelyn Thorpe unprecedented double wham- the obligatory victory march blames his poor score of 3 on Cup was Phil with an amaz- my in the 50m and 100m through the streets of london! the strong wind. The wind ing score of 39 and one "V". breast stroke. Good times Alexander

Reserve Cup Final

IC II 1 2LSE II (aet) the half. Despite the LSE defenders' who tried to intimidate After twenty minutes the attempts to find out what Cartwright and Jon Don with After a storming into the Cup ball bobbled inside the box underwear Brad was wearing, a series of head butts, all of Final with style and panache, from a debatable LSEcorner, Baskett outstripped him and which the ageing referee and and scoring goals for fun along and an economics muppet for- equalised superbly. With the suspiciously young linesman the way, the mighty seconds tuitously stuck it in. At 1-0 scores level and the phenome- failed to notice. With only ten smelt success and glory. We down we kept battling but nal IC support behind us the minutes of the game left to go arrived at Motspur Park confi- couldn't produce the football tigers roared on to better foot- and IC minds possibly on the dent of bringing the Cup back that has brought us so much ball and were unfortunate not penalties we had been prac- to IC, and in the words of success and Sardines was not to get a winner, especially tising the last two weeks, LSE Sardines himself we were a happy bunny at half-time. In having found greater success grabbed a winner. It was more determined to do the right patches the magic returned to down our right flank and more than they deserved and things, at the right times, in our boots in the second half penetration all over the pitch. despite our sterling efforts the right places. and we started to knock the Baskett was again released they held on for victory in a Stepping out onto the pitch ball around with some note- one on one with the keeper match that never quite got in the face of a force 10 wind worthy aggression and skill, and an excellent effort into the going for us. So despite all the proved slightly difficult. We shown by Bassies from left bottom corner was harshly pre-match hype, expectation battled like tigers out of back and pint-necking maes- ruled out for offside. In extra and preparation, it was not defence and managed to put tro Jon Don in the centre. A time IC again dominated our meant to be, and the cup will together a couple of decent break down the right flank much weaker opponents but not be in South Kensington breaks and almost got an early from Magic left the ball at after the first period we were this year, but the mighty sec- reward but were unlucky Cartwright's feet, and a beau- still dead-locked, and at this onds roar on and will doubt- inside the box, but this was to tiful long ball into the channel stage LSE introduced a recent- less be there or thereabouts be our only clear cut chance of found Baskett up front. ly released ex-con up front this time next year. Boost. club active

IC 6ths Win the Cup

ICUAFC 6th XI 2...0 UCL 6th XI broke clear of their sluggish through a group of players, the back, with the midfield back line on the left, and one- was crudely tripped 25 yards quartet battling and the strik- This was it, the Cup Final. on-one with the keeper he fin- out. It was a cynical challenge, ers pushing up. A couple of Motspur Park was the venue ished superbly in the bottom but the free kick was ideally counter attacks were all IC on a blustery but clear day, right corner. IC had to with- suited for a Warzee special, had to show for things, with conditions difficult for stand the inevitable onslaught and the big Belgian stepped although good pressure by both teams. and did so magnificently, with up and duly delivered a spec- Smden and Quaranta gave us Our preparations for this the offside trap working really tacular goal, into the top left a few chances. game had begun the previous well with crucial tackles corner. Now to keep a grip on In the final ten minutes, night, with Sugo's setting the made. the game, no silly mistakes. Drury usefully made an out- scene for a team dinner, fol- A couple of "accidental" The UCL captain, obviously standing point blank save lowed that morning with an kicks here and there to break annoyed at his team's per- from a UCL set piece, as a goal inspiring teamtalk from coach up the opposition's passing formance, suddenly exploded then could have been really Colin. We took to the field were well received by the to comments from the IC problematic. knowing our duty, what had to vocal crowd, who spurred us crowd and attempted to head- The final whistle went with- be done. on with classic singing and butt a supporter. He received out any further scares and The game kicked off, both some proper abuse (kwality a yellow card when many felt captain Coker lifted the Cup sides fighting hard in what lads), though not by the ref. he warranted more, disgrace- for the first time in 6th team was for many, the biggest who booked Wilson for a nice ful. history. An excellent end to game of their careers. Initial sly hack. With UCL throwing men for- the season, by what was defi- exchanges were easily dealt With half an hour gone, a ward after half time, we coped nitely a cup team, with irrever- with, nervousness evident in succession of throw-ins on the well under pressure. Head and ent form in the league, that the passing of both sides. right gave the ball to Hine Nikolich in their final game for could always pull it out of the Then, from nothing, Jermyn who, weaving his way the club were working well at bag for the big occasion.

Squash

The main objective of the visible on his face. court strode King's lethal our best player - there really season was achieved on In the third match of the weapon, a six foot seven inch was nothing that could be Monday when our first team day, Craig at number three giant of a man, called Jorgen done against this wizard picked up a narrow and hard- stayed in total control of his and originating from who was pulling out the fought but ultimately "nicks" from nowhere, and so deserved victory over King's it was all down to the last to win the ULU challenge game. Cup. Reddy at number four was Squash is actually played up against a tough contest- in teams of five, each player ant and after four closely dis- opposed to a corresponding puted games the scores were ranked player from the other level at 2-2. team. We started off really On the decisive last game, strongly at number two with a cool display of champagne Jeff playing some awesome squash from Reddy secured widths to easily brush aside the final set and the match his opponent to cruise to a overall. Victory was finally magnificent 3-0 victory. ours, the free beer tasted In the number five's game good... Lazy crashed out 3-1, That puts an end to a real- despite some brilliant run- ly excellent season: 2nd in ning and a massive effort. game to demolish his oppo- Denmark, who might as well BUSA, 1st in our ULU league This was the first game he nent 3-0. have been a rugby player: He and this magnificent victory had lost all season and the Up next was the number was truly massive. Despite a in the ULU challenge Cup: disappointment was clearly one's game, and onto the really good effort from Ali N - bring on next year! club active

mperial vs The World

On the 1st of March a small and two 2nd team players. place... yeah! aspect was the fact that team consolidated from After registering and getting Despite losing the first London air must be lacking in Imperial's three teams (lsts, our free T-shirt the games got game by a point our team was the growth hormones present 2nds and Ladies), took a trip going pretty much immediate- in good spirits, some more in European air. At 6'4" I con- to Leiden University (near ly- than others, and we began to sider myself tall but I was a Amsterdam) for a much prized Altogether around 36 teams notice that some of the other midget compared to most of basketball tournament. We from all over Europe partici- sides we borrowing players. the Dutch population: even chose to travel by bus, which pated in the event. The tour- While our girls suffered and some of their lady folk! turned out to be the only bad nament itself was mixed and we lost another couple of All things considered decision made all weekend, on as a result was adapted to games, this time by slightly Imperial didn't do too badly: and off the court. suit. New rules enforced larger margins, we began to our record was played 10, lost As most people can proba- included two girls on court at cotton on and recruited some 5 won 5... including a storm- bly imagine basketball players all times, guys weren't rather nice French ladies. This ing demolition of a team of tend to be on the tall side and allowed to block girls, the gave our girls a good rest and girls from Glasgow. so cramming their 6 ft plus ladies score three per basket also improved our results sub- In addition to this a couple frames into the less than gen- to a guys two and, dare I say stantially. of our players - including erous 1ft of leg space proved it, NO DUNKING. One of the outstanding myself - defected to a French interesting, but despite this All the teams where divided aspects of the tournament team and made it to the semis we all survived the trip to into groups of between 5 and 6 was the ability of the ladies. only to be knocked out by a Leiden, after a brief stopover and the top three teams in Some of the European girls poor refereeing decision at the in Amsterdam for some recre- these groups were then had serious skills and one had end of over time (he couldn't ational activities in the early selected for the next group such a hot handle (good ball tell the difference between a evening. We registered our stage. The losers we separat- handler) that she basically male and a female) granting team, which consisted of two ed into groups of their own walked through the opposi- three points to a bearded six ladies, two 1st teams players and got to battle it out for 36th tion. The second notable footer.

Live sport Iced Gems on the BIG SCREEN

IC Devils 4...2 London Legions with unorthodox defending

by 'C.Penguin1 and Kamal The IC Devils chalked up ensured that the Legions Saturday 8th March their second successive win would not score early in the Harlequins v London Irish 2.15pm in this tense derby match. A second. A Devils breakaway solid team performance com- rounded-off by Max Newcastle v Arsenal 5.30pm bined with an outstanding increased the lead back to a goalkeeping display from two-goal margin. Late in the man-of -the-match Adrian second, the Legions hit back Gill, ensured a memorable to make the scores 3-2 going Sjpoap§ v 4pm victory. Under the leadership into the final period. The of Dan, with David's captain- Legions pressed for an WW>A v FMhmm 7pm cy and Terry's tactical knowl- equaliser, but they were edge, the Devils produced a once again denied by a Wednesday 13th March memorable performance series of superb saves by the Man Utd v Bayern 7.45pm belying their relative inexpe- Devils goaltender. The silky rience. Max and Squashi skills of Vince and Dmitry opened the scoring in the combined with the presence first period, before the of Thierry and Andy ensured Legions finally put one past that the Devils would not the seemingly unbeatable fold. The pressure finally Adrian. The score remained relented after Tom scored Sunday 17th March 2-1 to the Devils at the end of with a well-taken chance. Leeds v Blackburn 2pm the first. Under heavy-pres- The score remained 4-2, and sure, the calming influence the Devils had beaten the CiS2|e Villa v Arsenal 4pm of Alex and Darren combined Legions. union " BARS