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Crab Feast, Issue No. N-A, 23.11.1991

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Crab Feast, Issue No. N-A, 23.11.1991 crab feast CfìNfìGJ Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast A FEW WORDS FROM HILARY...ERM.. Oh my God its arrived- the mayhem of Rag week. Years of oiganisation have gone into this week, well that may be a weeeny bit of an exageration-it just feels that long! The Rag COTimittee have spent many Iwig hours running around like blue arsed flies to provide all you lucky people with fun and ftivolity for a week. (Insert by the hard working RAG ccHnmittee ... well that's enough of Hilary's mindless drivel ,and let's face it,she's pretty stupid. Now, what was she trying to say ???...0h yeah, it's RAG WEEK soon isn't it... what? Now? Oooh. where did I put that poster ? Here it is. Coo, look at that. A " MAIN HALL DISCO " and right at the beginning too. No doubt you've already heard about it though so I'll spare you the details. TTiere's also a raid into Guildford ( where ? Ed.) leaving at lunch-time, .ish on the same day. This poster really does nullify the negative and accentuate the positive. " BURP ". So what is a week? "About 7 days" [chorus].No^o,no^o,no,fat pig! I meant to say ; what is RAG ? It's all about the fun you can have when you're not in complete control of any of the more accq)table bodily functions ( oh yeah, there's a small print in a sub-clause somewhere about money-raising for charities). O.K. who brought that Donkey into this cupboard *.Rag have a multi- faceted pseudo-crayon type attitude to bring a smile to the most worry worn of faeces. OOOPs... should be "smirk" I think ! And we , the undersigned , Alfe the rag committee , try to organise these smirks so diat they coincide with the handing over of sums of money .(c)RUSS Well after that little interjection (ooooooh a long word for a Monday! !! !) back to the serious stuff. Rag week basically involves scrounging as much money from poor unexpecting passers-by. That's on Sat and Wed, then throughout the rest of the week its^ time to lighten your own wallets in the process of becoming completely and utterly inebriated/stoned/shagged (delete where ap- propriate) . Also, to unburden your burdens we have on sale T-shirts, mugs, and mags, available from all good trading desks in your area NOW ! For any other day we have events to delight and tittilate ( ooh, stop it. Ed.) REMEMBER HARI-HIT ALL WEEK! I keep coming back to this column and it completely baffles me on each occasion because it keeps being added to! ! As I was saying,Hilary ,if you don't mind ...choo choo (back on my train of thought)... events to delight and tantilise for which you can buy tickets from RAG every lunch time in the UNION. So get busy and leave those mushrooms. Bye. Hilary (RAG chairMAN). Russell (General dogs body). THE MYSTERY OF HARI HIT. •TO HTT AND RUN FOR FUN' excessive organisation. The sole aim of Hit Squad is to raise THE HISTORY funds for RAG, if the by-product includes hilarity and a good Deep in the history about the time when Nic was a first year grinning session ail weU and good. and people believed the sun went round the Earth, a small KIDNAPPING, EXTORTION FOR CHARITY, dwarf with a large carbuncle on his forehead said "Oi". RAPE/SEDUCTION, PILLAGE PLUNDER and then there is Next he scratched his bum and said, "Hit squad to collect alwaysFLA>ÎNING. money for charity by flanning people with Gillette shaving foam what a jolly good idea, I must tell King Arthur." He WHAT CAN HIT DO FOR went to the king at tea time and said "Oi, Arthur " but be- fore he could tell of his idea a big hairy knight smashed him YOU? with a mallet Other than spécial kidnappings and RAG events flanning A few years later universities all over the world started of individuáis is a worthwhile service performed with meticu- flanning people for charity showing they too have the men- lous précision. 2 paper plates of shaving foam are directed into tality of freshly squashed dwarfs. And thus was Hit squad your chosen target' s face al a pre- determ ined time so you may formed witness our service. Suggested times includebathtime, lunch- STRATEGIES AND TACTICS. time. LECTURE TIME, AND OF COURSE BEDTIME : Sectret : Subversive : Copyright iwotected Patents pend- COSTS: ing for ££££££££££$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$£ LECTURE HITS OUTWARD BOUND HITS £5 J^ORMAL HIT HOME HITS £7.50 SPECIAL HIT STAFF HITS £25 LECTURERHIT. SPECIAL HITS EF YOU WANT A HIT FILL OUT THE FORM AND PUT THE PURPOSE IT IN THE BOX IN THE UNION. Hari-Hil will consider any of the following actions as You'll need lecturer's signature to get somewe hit in a lec- means of gaining funds for RAG'scharities although most take ture. Harl crab feast Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER IN- VADES GUILDFORD. Saturday 24th ; Vovember 12.00 car park 5. Saturday morning, bright and early, the sky is blue, the sun is shiningand the little birdies on the trees are chirping merrily...or you were woken by the dawn chorus of various RAG bods charging around in silly costumes. You think to your self "What I re- ally fancy is a free trip into Guildfcffd and a chance to raise some lovely money for charity too " How can you join in the fun? Dress up in appropriate costumes" (the theme is horror) and trundle down or Hari will be sent to get your arse down to car park 5 and pile onto the lorry which HilaryAVolfie/Sharon will be driving - if you're sane you'll walk down to sunny, exciting Guildford, where you'll be loaded down with a big stack of Rag Mags,and a collecting tin (word of ad- vice tesco trolleys tend to be very useful at this stage), you'll now be set loose on the unsuspecting tight arsed bastards of Guild- ford. So if you fancy taking a few tinnies down with you in order to boost your sales technique feel free, so long as you make loads of dosh (which is of course the main aim of Rag -1 think), we don't really care how you do it. VITAL HINTS TO IMPROVE YOUR SALES TECHNIQUE. 1. Grab your unsuspecting victim with an innocent question like "Would you like to buy a Rag Mag?" With any luck they might say yes, if not grab them by the genitalia and I personally guarantee that 10 times out of 10 they'll change their minds (that is unless they're a herma- phradite.) 2. Any excuse can be invalidated eg no change - we take notes of any description. No money - we take all major credit cards. We hate Surrey Rag - grab their money and run. 3. Remember you're in Guildford, so get you're grovelling well practised before you set on mission code named DOSH (Lx)adsa). Oh yeah, if they say they bought last years and it was crap, say that this year's one is MUCH better (cos it is) - Buy one and find out! See you there to start Rag Week off with a bang Love L'n'T. and additions by Anna P.S. Don't take this as Gospel. , RAG AFTERMATH PARTY Rag week is over and you thought you could have a nice relaxing rest. Well you were wrong, just as you got over your hangover the fun really begins. For all of the peeps who gave up the valuable drinking time during RAG WEEK, that is: The RAG committee, CREW , security (union and anyone who did RAG security) are invited to the AFTERMATH PARTY, renamed by Wolfie CHUNDERBIRDS AREGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Theparty isjust like any other posh ball but without the DJ's (Dinner Jackets not Soulclub), posh frocks, after dinner speakers, and food, ie. copious drinking. For Uiose of you who don't know, if you book the lower bar there are cer- tain requirements, ie. the bar deposit must be made ie £200quids worth of booze must be drunk by the 180 people allowed in the lower bar. It is a tradition thai the bar deposit is drunk as quickly as possible at the AFTERMATH PARTY, To do this we boat race. A boat race is a line a dipsomaniacs who line up, and started the moment the shutters go up at 8.00pm. on the word GO the one at the front downs his or her drink. Upon completion This was done last year in about one and a half the glass is placed inverted on the head allowing drq)lets of alcohol to leak into minutes (sorry but no-one knows the exact time) the hair, and then the next person in the team can start drinking. so this year we are going to do it PE)Qv-I think Get the idea? At the beer night this is done with pints, at the AFTERMATH what he is trying to say is 'Pretty Damn we will do it with doubles (OO-er!!!). So if you are coming we want two quid Quick! !!!!'(c)RUSS. for a double of your choice (what'a a few odd pence amongst friends). Turn up See Ya There. H at the RAG meeting LB 6.30 Tuesday 3rd to get your ticket and then turn up at TONY the LB on Monday lOth E>ecember(Week 10) early ie 7.30pmso we can get Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast Weli here I am having fun behind this "wonderful" ma- been informed that half the cast don't even know what they are chine aboui which I haven'l gol a due!!!!!! (Don't wOTry, doing yet, so that should be good! ! As to the rest of it you will neither has anyone else! Merlin (thank-you I needed some en- have to come along and see for yourself! couragement) any way back to the puipose of this short missive So I will now atiempt to finish ihis column without any in- (that is a contradiction in terms but there you go).
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