crab feast CfìNfìGJ Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast A FEW WORDS FROM HILARY...ERM.. Oh my God its arrived- the mayhem of Rag week. Years of oiganisation have gone into this week, well that may be a weeeny bit of an exageration-it just feels that long! The Rag COTimittee have spent many Iwig hours running around like blue arsed flies to provide all you lucky people with fun and ftivolity for a week. (Insert by the hard working RAG ccHnmittee ... well that's enough of Hilary's mindless drivel ,and let's face it,she's pretty stupid. Now, what was she trying to say ???...0h yeah, it's RAG WEEK soon isn't it... what? Now? Oooh. where did I put that poster ? Here it is. Coo, look at that. A " MAIN HALL " and right at the beginning too. No doubt you've already heard about it though so I'll spare you the details. TTiere's also a raid into Guildford ( where ? Ed.) leaving at lunch-time, .ish on the same day. This poster really does nullify the negative and accentuate the positive. " BURP ". So what is a week? "About 7 days" [chorus].No^o,no^o,no,fat pig! I meant to say ; what is RAG ? It's all about the fun you can have when you're not in complete control of any of the more accq)table bodily functions ( oh yeah, there's a small print in a sub-clause somewhere about money-raising for charities). O.K. who brought that Donkey into this cupboard *.Rag have a multi- faceted pseudo-crayon type attitude to bring a smile to the most worry worn of faeces. OOOPs... should be "smirk" I think ! And we , the undersigned , Alfe the rag committee , try to organise these smirks so diat they coincide with the handing over of sums of money .(c)RUSS Well after that little interjection (ooooooh a long word for a Monday! !! !) back to the serious stuff. Rag week basically involves scrounging as much money from poor unexpecting passers-by. That's on Sat and Wed, then throughout the rest of the week its^ time to lighten your own wallets in the process of becoming completely and utterly inebriated/stoned/shagged (delete where ap- propriate) . Also, to unburden your burdens we have on sale T-shirts, mugs, and mags, available from all good trading desks in your area NOW ! For any other day we have events to delight and tittilate ( ooh, stop it. Ed.) REMEMBER HARI-HIT ALL WEEK! I keep coming back to this column and it completely baffles me on each occasion because it keeps being added to! ! As I was saying,Hilary ,if you don't mind ...choo choo (back on my train of thought)... events to delight and tantilise for which you can buy tickets from RAG every lunch time in the UNION. So get busy and leave those mushrooms. Bye. Hilary (RAG chairMAN). Russell (General dogs body). THE MYSTERY OF HARI HIT. •TO HTT AND RUN FOR FUN' excessive organisation. The sole aim of Hit Squad is to raise THE HISTORY funds for RAG, if the by-product includes hilarity and a good Deep in the history about the time when Nic was a first year grinning session ail weU and good. and people believed the sun went round the Earth, a small KIDNAPPING, EXTORTION FOR CHARITY, dwarf with a large carbuncle on his forehead said "Oi". RAPE/SEDUCTION, PILLAGE PLUNDER and then there is Next he scratched his bum and said, "Hit squad to collect alwaysFLA>ÎNING. money for charity by flanning people with Gillette shaving foam what a jolly good idea, I must tell King Arthur." He WHAT CAN HIT DO FOR went to the king at tea time and said "Oi, Arthur " but be- fore he could tell of his idea a big hairy knight smashed him YOU? with a mallet Other than spécial kidnappings and RAG events flanning A few years later universities all over the world started of individuáis is a worthwhile service performed with meticu- flanning people for charity showing they too have the men- lous précision. 2 paper plates of shaving foam are directed into tality of freshly squashed dwarfs. And thus was Hit squad your chosen target' s face al a pre- determ ined time so you may formed witness our service. Suggested times includebathtime, lunch- STRATEGIES AND TACTICS. time. LECTURE TIME, AND OF COURSE BEDTIME : Sectret : Subversive : Copyright iwotected Patents pend- COSTS: ing for ££££££££££$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$£ LECTURE HITS OUTWARD BOUND HITS £5 J^ORMAL HIT HOME HITS £7.50 SPECIAL HIT STAFF HITS £25 LECTURERHIT. SPECIAL HITS EF YOU WANT A HIT FILL OUT THE FORM AND PUT THE PURPOSE IT IN THE BOX IN THE UNION. Hari-Hil will consider any of the following actions as You'll need lecturer's signature to get somewe hit in a lec- means of gaining funds for RAG'scharities although most take ture. Harl crab feast Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER IN- VADES GUILDFORD. Saturday 24th ; Vovember 12.00 car park 5. Saturday morning, bright and early, the sky is blue, the sun is shiningand the little birdies on the trees are chirping merrily...or you were woken by the dawn chorus of various RAG bods charging around in silly costumes. You think to your self "What I re- ally fancy is a free trip into Guildfcffd and a chance to raise some lovely money for charity too " How can you join in the fun? Dress up in appropriate costumes" (the theme is horror) and trundle down or Hari will be sent to get your arse down to car park 5 and pile onto the lorry which HilaryAVolfie/Sharon will be driving - if you're sane you'll walk down to sunny, exciting Guildford, where you'll be loaded down with a big stack of Rag Mags,and a collecting tin (word of ad- vice tesco trolleys tend to be very useful at this stage), you'll now be set loose on the unsuspecting tight arsed bastards of Guild- ford. So if you fancy taking a few tinnies down with you in order to boost your sales technique feel free, so long as you make loads of dosh (which is of course the main aim of Rag -1 think), we don't really care how you do it. VITAL HINTS TO IMPROVE YOUR SALES TECHNIQUE.

1. Grab your unsuspecting victim with an innocent question like "Would you like to buy a Rag Mag?" With any luck they might say yes, if not grab them by the genitalia and I personally guarantee that 10 times out of 10 they'll change their minds (that is unless they're a herma- phradite.)

2. Any excuse can be invalidated eg no change - we take notes of any description. No money - we take all major credit cards. We hate Surrey Rag - grab their money and run.

3. Remember you're in Guildford, so get you're grovelling well practised before you set on mission code named DOSH (Lx)adsa). Oh yeah, if they say they bought last years and it was crap, say that this year's one is MUCH better (cos it is) - Buy one and find out! See you there to start Rag Week off with a bang Love L'n'T. and additions by Anna P.S. Don't take this as Gospel. , RAG AFTERMATH PARTY Rag week is over and you thought you could have a nice relaxing rest. Well you were wrong, just as you got over your hangover the fun really begins. For all of the peeps who gave up the valuable drinking time during RAG WEEK, that is: The RAG committee, CREW , security (union and anyone who did RAG security) are invited to the AFTERMATH PARTY, renamed by Wolfie CHUNDERBIRDS AREGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Theparty isjust like any other posh ball but without the DJ's (Dinner Jackets not Soulclub), posh frocks, after dinner speakers, and food, ie. copious drinking. For Uiose of you who don't know, if you book the lower bar there are cer- tain requirements, ie. the bar deposit must be made ie £200quids worth of booze must be drunk by the 180 people allowed in the lower bar. It is a tradition thai the bar deposit is drunk as quickly as possible at the AFTERMATH PARTY, To do this we boat race. A boat race is a line a dipsomaniacs who line up, and started the moment the shutters go up at 8.00pm. on the word GO the one at the front downs his or her drink. Upon completion This was done last year in about one and a half the glass is placed inverted on the head allowing drq)lets of alcohol to leak into minutes (sorry but no-one knows the exact time) the hair, and then the next person in the team can start drinking. so this year we are going to do it PE)Qv-I think Get the idea? At the beer night this is done with pints, at the AFTERMATH what he is trying to say is 'Pretty Damn we will do it with doubles (OO-er!!!). So if you are coming we want two quid Quick! !!!!'(c)RUSS. for a double of your choice (what'a a few odd pence amongst friends). Turn up See Ya There. H at the RAG meeting LB 6.30 Tuesday 3rd to get your ticket and then turn up at TONY the LB on Monday lOth E>ecember(Week 10) early ie 7.30pmso we can get Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast

Weli here I am having fun behind this "wonderful" ma- been informed that half the cast don't even know what they are chine aboui which I haven'l gol a due!!!!!! (Don't wOTry, doing yet, so that should be good! ! As to the rest of it you will neither has anyone else! Merlin (thank-you I needed some en- have to come along and see for yourself! couragement) any way back to the puipose of this short missive So I will now atiempt to finish ihis column without any in- (that is a contradiction in terms but there you go). terruptions as most of the others have now gone off to sulk in Hey Hilz, are we writing this in the past or future twise? there rooms. Ah the future therefore I can be optimistic and say that the The highlight of the show (I almost forgot) is STEVTE REVUE is going to be supercaiifragilLsticexpiallidocious (if STARR the guy who swollows almost anything, from gold- Tve made a selling mistuke don't blame me I was dragged fish, light bulbs, whole raw eggs to lighter fuel and Rubiks' from some work (whoops I swore! ! ! !!!)). Cubes eu:!! Well I suppose Td t^tter get down lo business, stop mess- So on that note ali I can say is come but not on the ing about and teli you something you actually want to know. floor!!*&$£h Then again maybe (stop annoying me Merlin!!!) noi. That is 1 mean be there orbe an apathetìc, uncharìtable to say I don't know much aboul the bl**dy thing and l'm sup- SUNDAY 25th NOVEMBER 1990 8pm-l2pm posed to be organizing it! ! ! KELLIE I am going to be really orgasmic kkjg87yh65yguk sorry (note the "lE" Merlin, Morgana (»• what ever it is you cali about ali of this but VINCE (who?") and M****RD are bugger- yourself) ing up my column!! So back to saniiy if you can cali it that. P.S.Don't worry the REVUE only lasts until lOpm , fol- What I wanted lo say was 1 am now going to be really originai lowed by a wacko disco! ! ! ! and say that we are going to have the return of the Trolley Del- BYE lles and USBASES. Also the marvellous RAG C0MMI7TEE Yes l'm going now!! who haven't even rehearsed their sketch, in fact I have just gone Shaving Foam and Custard! The RAG GM, what can I say, except, what did I do to deserve a flanning? This definatefy had tafetlbe silliest GM for a long time! l've not got the tìme to go into great detail so TU just provide the salient (Ooh tha^-s^a big; wonf I wonder what it means) points. 1.) Gazza is to be removed from the juke box (Yee-Ha!) 2.) Hilary Done (priMiounced Done) read the RAG motion from a bath of beer slops. 3.) The union officials had to ^ple bob in custard whilst the RAG motion was heard (I got absolutey covered in it) 4.) The RAG committee mandated ali union offìcials to dress up and be silly ali throughout RAG week. 5.) The union officials did similar to RAG 6.) The meeting became totally chaotic during the motions and standing orders might as well have been suspended for ali the notice that was taken of them! 7.) NUS hustings happened! 8.) Stage Crew proved that they stili haven't mastered the art of "The GM rig". The GM will be back to normal next week (wiih the exception that it will be chaired by Father Chrìstmas!) so see you at Ipm and don't forget to bring your Xmas lists for Santa Box! Bye Luv Cardy crab feast Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 SLAVE MARKET "Whal am I bid for this lovely chair WEEK (that's 26th November) and .Antique ,mahogany .stupid RAG buy yourself a slave, whom are nor- CHAIR .Shall I start the bidding at 10p? mally either Union officials or Raggy people. Or if you prefer you could pay Ok a little ambitious to hope anyone to have someone flanned there and would pay for "our leader" with the then, have a hair-cut or any thing else] princely ,or even princessly ,sum of 10p your little hearts desire! ! ! . B ut then again s tranger things have oc- If you don't want to do anythingi curred and certainly will again .So if come down anyway and see ali the im-l you fancy yourself to go down in the portant people in the union make com-| record books as a stonkingly rieh lad ,or plete and utter fools of themselves. lass ,about town .come down to the some Strange little member of union at Ipm on the Monday of RAG the Rag committee.

WHO WANTS A NOD- DINGPRESIDENTS?

i THERES PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM! !

THE BEER DRDNKING COMPETTnON I This is self-explanatory really.It's a competition involving BEER , and lots of it. Fastest pint,mosl disgusting pint,most dangerous pint,most erotic pini etc.etc... Past competitions have included drinking a pint with a Üghted piece of bog roll stuck up one's bollom...and pouring a pint into someone's mouth from up in the union rafters. The traditional games are as follows: THE BOATRACE Usually the mosl popular game of the night.This is a knockout competition for lots of people that carnes on through the evening.Teams ofeight people tty to outdrink each other to reach the next round.The Rag team are usually better at this than the rugby club. ROUND THE FOLE This one is stonkingly good. especially if you're pissed to start with. Before being allowed to even sniff your pint you have to circumnavigate a po- lejhgjhghgfglhdf[§po;p§k;//ip;;Running round a pole three times and then drinüng a pint; what could be easier? There are other games too but I was too pissed last year to remem- ber them. Basically it's one of the best evenings in Rag Week so be there or be a bunny rabbit. But it should not be missed cos its the one time where you can show your real forte in, public (ie. you can showeveryone eise how good you are a drinking!!) ANNA XX Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast TALL GOING TO? Just in case any of you are interested in things other than of having a severely handicapped member of the family. Par- who's queuing out all night for the tickets for the Beer Race I kinsons Disease - provides research into the causes and thought rd let you in on the charities you're helping to raise possible cures of the disease as well as providing help for those money for. And I bet you never realised you were getting with the disease. pissed in order to help other people did you? Personally I think it sounds like a good idea! Shelter All your well spent and collected dosh is going to: Helps homeless people to find somewhere to live. Dun- can's Fund - this fund was set up in memory of Duncan, an Pestalozzi Children's avid member of Rag, who died in an accident at a Rag event. Village Trust The money is donated to a charity specified by his parents. Groups of children firom India, Thailand, Nejal, Zambia, Meridian the West Bank and refugees from Tibet live in the village in Aids adults who were sexually abused when they were East Susex and are educated so that they can deal positively children as well as those who have been sexually attacked or with the problems of their homeland when they return. raped. Royal Society for the The Arthogryposis Group This is a condition which is apparent at birth, and is diag- Protection of Animals nosed by multiple joint contractures, which are joint limita- tions. TAG aims to bring together people of all ages and their RSPCA families who are affected by this condition as well as actively j I think you should all know about this one! researching into the condition. The Myalgic British Epilepsy Association Encephalomyelitis Offers advice, support, information and advocacy for people with epilepsy and those who care for them. Imperial Association (ME) Cancer Research - carries out an active research programme Aids research into ME, helps sufferers and brings about into cures and causes of cancer.The charity has agreed to use general awareness of the syndrome. Children With Special the money we raise for areas of non-animal experimentation Needs Trust - provides immediate assistance and equipment only. for children with special needs enabling them to have the most independent life possible. The Children's Project The kids club spends weekends amusing approx. 15 lively Tadworth Court Trust (and naughty!) NSPCC kids aged between 4 and 12. Treats children with chronic life threatening conditions in the hospital and cares in the short term for profoundly handi- DONEC Elizabeth Fitzroy capped children. Homes Samaritans This is a locally run home for handicapped children which Provides an ear for those who need to talk to someone. Hy- totally relies on contribution from the public. destile Wildlife Hospital - cares for orphaned and injured ani- Well that's about it - get your money out and give it all to mals until,if possible, they can be returned to the wild. ME! !!(well, RAG, but I'd like to pretend for a little while that I'M RICH!!!!!!) Cherry Trees Yours This is a house which helps to relieve some of the pressure TONY!!

LOADSAMONEY We're well on the way to twenty grand. We already have three, Guildford and London raids are expected to make eight. Ticket reciepts should total five, that totals sixteen, so we should make it If you give money I love you loads, if not. Why not you tight git After RAG week is over and I've embezzeled, I mean counted all the wads of cash I'll let you krK)w how much we've raised. Byeeeeeeee Tony. crab feast Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 RACE NITE IS HERE SO GET YER MONEY OUT YOU's PUNTEES WHAT IS IT? It's a fun evening of betting on horses which are shown on film. There are seven races with eight horses in each race. The seven films are sealed in canisters which are picked at random after the betting for each race is complete. OKAY, BUT HOW DOES IT WORK? The normal betting procedure is to buy tickets from the bookies for 30p each. Each ticket is valid for one horse in one race. Most people place several bets on one horse or spread their money over a few horses for each race. If your horse comes in first you take your ticket(s) to the pay-out desk and collect your winnings for each ticket. The pay-out is calculated depending on how many people bet and has been known to reach 4 on previous race nights. Once ali the winnings have been collected the betting on the next race begins. » TOTE FORECAST BETTING - WHATS THAT? This is a similar betting procedure costing 30p per bet but here you try lo predici the first and second place horses of the race. The odds on this are obviously higher, but the pay-out is quite substantìal. OWN A RACE HORSE You can 'buy' a race horse fi"om the RAG DESK or on the night (if there are any left) for a nominai fee. If your own privale horse wins a race you will become the proud owner of a botile of scotch or some other spirit (Marley, Marie Celeste, H?) and entrance to the RAG AFTER- MATH PARTY, where you will receive your prize. ARISTOCRATIC BETTING Towards the end of the night when gambling excitement is at it's highesl there will be a 10 bet per horse siake. The winning prize is 50. This proves lo be very popular with the heavy gamblers and often clubs or other groups of people gel together to raise the slake money. WHEN AND WHERE IS IT? Union Lounge 8pm Tuesday 27th November GET RARI HIT! CHRISTMAS IN

Have you been flanned by Hari Hit? THE Do you want revenga on the hit squad? Do you want to donate £4 to the RAG CHANCELLORS charities? If you have been flanned by Hari Hit and you want re venge on the people who have hit you, then please leave a note,giving time and place of your Bookings now being taken hit, with the house offìcer addressed to "The hit squad squad" and we'll be in touch. Ali money raised from this venture will be given over to RAG See Jane in the F&B officd in the Union Luv

The Masked Avenger! xx Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast Who are th se pe pie with t ghts over th r heads?? Weil, last week we had our column gratuìtously axed by Also we have a dance gig in the hall going on ali day 1 lam tili bf untìi it was incomprehensible and unrecognisable and edited llpm. beyond belief. Of course the decisión received a long blast on Wed: LBD for (guess who?)- Rig : Start to rag at 6pm lo the smoke machine, but tigger said that he was three weeks be- open at 8. hind with bis names list fcv the crew dinner. I was glad when Thu: Rocky Horror Disco and film in the union start rig- rag faithfully promised not to dit th coumn at al thiss wek. ging at 3pm - doors at 8pm (for a change). Thank you Hilary, for this promise I declare that you are not The ftin starts here.... the most wonderful item on the planet - lan Lipp is (so rumour Fri: LASER Disco in the Hall meet in the Union at 12pm. has it...)l Bright light arrives at 5.30. Doors at 8.; ; Disco in the Now comes the deadly serious bit.. Crew have in fact got Chancellor's Restaurant for Hellenic & Cyprus soc. start rig- to wear tights over their heads for the whole of rag week and ging at 5pm, doors at 7pm. Sat: ALL DAY BLUES Biggest do Norman Collier impressi ns wh Ist doi g sou dchecks. and best gig of the year (for us) with 8 bands ccHning and going Hands up who's going to be able to teli when the mics are re- ali day and most of the first yrs get their first taste of Alex van ally knackered? Me neither. (But then again, do we ever know Sandwich's culinery delights. Anyway, start rigging at 12am wliat's going on, anyway?!!!) (midnight) and go thru' the night so that we can soundcheck The Week Ahead... at 9.30 in the moming (...sornrnyyyyyy, but we have to start Note (panicularly the Ist year Crew): Rag week is Crew's this early so that we can be ready on time). Doors are at 1 lam. most hectic week of the year - but it's the best, so we need Sun: A Sunday Night Band - back to normal.... loads of names for every gig: Mon: Lower Bar gig - UNCONFIRMED (hint) - for some Sat: Rag Main Hall Disco start rigging at lOam and start on Monday at some time.; ; Also a Crew 12noon for lights and sound respectively with Nigel (yes, Meeting at 6pm. the Nigel) and Paul on the fcnner and Rentboy, James and Quick announcement: you may not have realised this, but Mega organising the PA (aka lan Carter's Hi- fi) with Morga- the serious part of Tuesday's GM backed up our decisión to na, Dave, Sue and Stephen. (Bit of a poor turn-out, I think • lower the fiown bins (ie. the large speakers which hang above PLEASE can some other people turn up to help) the Stage) which means that at future and bands in the Sun: Rag Revue in the hall. Sound Mega bb; Lites Nigel union the sound quality on the dance fioor should be much paul; bodz alexis marión andrea lentboy jo(? ??) miles chris sue higher, and for those who want to sit and talk in the balcony, nigel START AT3pm. the volume should be much lower. Mon: Slave Auction start rigging noon for Ipm gig. Rent- There we go. I remember Space telling me some time last boy PJ; ; Also we need to set up a PA at the front door so term that by the end of Rag week I will hate the whole of the that Rag can announce everyone as they enter the union...start Rag Committee. What I want lo know is how he lasted 'tili the 4.30pm to begin at 5.30pm; ; Also we have the beer drink- end of the week before hating them?! ! ! ing comp + ballet performance (by Rag) on the Main Stage - Little Miss Busv-bodv Start rigging at 5pm to begin at 8pm; ; Also we have a VERY IMPORTANT crew meeting (yes, there really will be one this week!) at ^m in the Barclay Room: just look at the rest of the week to see how important it really is! We'll also be asking whether there is any Crew gossip (as per my man- date)! Tue: GM at Ipm start rigging at noon; ; Rag Race Night in the Union starting at 8pm, rigging will start at öiwn.; ; HARI HIT FORM: NAME: • TYPE OF HIT: Standrad UNION CARD NO.: Speacial • PLACE OF HIT: ADDRESS: • TIMEOFHIT:

NAME OF HIT: • LECTURER'S APPROVAL (FOR HIT DURING LEC- TURE): • DEPARTMENT HEAD APPROVAL (FOR LEC- TURERS):

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LONDON HERE WE COME IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR ALL STUDENTS LIVING OFF-SITE Right, now then, this is the biggest fundraiser of the week (and probably of all time) all because there are lots of lovely people in London who des- parately want to give money to Surrey University Raggy people. Ok its not quite right, a weeeny bit ASSISTANCE WITH of begging needs to be done to flog our super in- teresting Rag mags. OFF-SITE RENT PAYMENTS Well what you do is potter on down to the union, suitably dressed in silly horror clothes with a fancy dress trolley (the most important item), between 8.30am and 2.00pm, to pick up your rag ARE YOU PAYING MORE THAN mags and your charity money recepticles, (which come in handy to l^t unobliging commuters £33 PER WEEK RENT around the head), then you trundle your trolley (note the alliteration!) down to the station for a one-way ticket to oblivion, and remember to pick FOR YOUR ACCOMMODATION? up your change .Alternatively you could buy a return to London and meet up with everyone else. Lon- don , city of dreams where the streets are paved with gold, mind you .it's a bit discoloured, what with cars and lorries and all the other pollutants in residence (nice environment spot!) but b^k to the main story children , where Dick Whittington had just left home after that situation arose with the IF SO YOU CAN APPLY FOR A baker's daughter ...oops wrong story. London, home of changing of the guard and guarding of the change at the Royal Mint. Now your PAYMENT FROM THE ACCESS FUNDS OF job is to grab as much change as you can from our charming commuter buddies and hotfoot it back to the ranch. Methods adopted over the years have included pig's bladders, but for the London Raid we like to think that the commuters in the moming and at 5pm in the evening are sitting targets, and also the busy tourist attractions are good hunting grounds. Try Trafalger Square ,Oxford Street ,or indeed £145 (FULL TIME UNDERGRADUATES) any other place in Monopoly ,but not the Arc de Triomphe or Times Square because they aren't in Lon- don at all... silly person. and Charm these lovely L

RESTAURANT THE LAST DAYS FOR REGISTERING

CINDERELLAS ROCKERFELLAS CLAIMS ARE: of Guildford. Have joined up with Perrott's to give you a Perfect Christmas Party! WEDNESDAY 28 NOVEMBER : 1200-1600 Eat with us, then continue the evening at Cinderellas for just i n

£ 1 per Head THE ACCOMMODATION OFFICE Admission & and FREE BTJBRT.Y !

FRIDAY 30 NOVEMBER This offer is only open to parties of 6 & above having 1200-1400 taken a full meal at Perrott's. Normal club rules apply. 1 n

11-OOam to 11-OOpm Mon. - Thür. inc. THE NELSON MANDELA ROOM 11-OOam tol l-30pm Fri. & Sat. 8 & 9 Jeffries Passage, Guildford, Surrey HAVE YOU CLAIMED YET? Telephone Guildford 35025

12 RAG WEEK 1990

ma® lEAnnD ODKI astiniiBiKiDiEiiD Sat 24th:- ;ii®arwB (Dam? IPaifik É ani DS[pm BBGO IN MU IIGKnS STJttT m. RAG REUUE Sun 25th:- fEAIURMG STEVIE STARR TICXS £1.00 START8 8.. lUon 26th--BBER DRINKINGII • COllOBTinON Tue 27th:-

LONDON RAID Wed 28th:- LBD FOR RAIDERS

ROCKY HORROR FILM Thu 29th:- AND DISCO DAR EXTENSION TU. lam TICKETS £2.00 Fri 30th:- Awmp qmoFORD ALL DAY BLUES Sat Ist:- FROM 11 TO 11 TICKETS S4.00 crab feast Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991

THE SeiB^IST Uve Visuais and 3 Colour LASl^Show by High Roller DJs : Soulclub + STEVIE B (Dream, Virtual Reality) Tickets £3.00 From USSU Trading Desk 4 Ali Profits To Rag SECURITY Ok, Ok this is the boring bit The fol- nes, Kellie Sweeney, Andy Logan Anna Gee lowing lists are FD^iAL, but if you can 10.00-11 .OOSharon Whitbread, Anna 19.00-20.00 Andy Logan, Sarah fìnd a replacement then contact me at Gee, Russel Thompset, Andy Logan McMath, Fallavi Fatel, Fhülip Newman, least the day before the event.. 11.00-12.00 Doug GreenweU. Tony Alan Anderson Sat 24 nov Main Hall Disco. Lee, Martin Fosbrook, Alan Anderson 20.00-21.00 Fhilip Newman, Steve 7.30-8.30 Tony Lee, Russel Thom- 12.00-01.00 Steve Thopmson, Herman, Nigel Cox, Jenny Holland, Lil pset, Sarah McM^, Andrea Norris Russel Thompset, Neil Oman Ashford. 8.30-9.30 Jenny Holland, Andy C. Friday 30 nov Lunchtime (12.00 tili 21.00-22.00 Anthony Smith, NeU Neil Oman, Kellie Sweeney when ever the last pissed person is car- Oman, Andy Logan, KeUie Sweeney, 9.30-10.30 Lil Ashford, Sharon ried in from the beer race) Russel, Tone, Andrea Norris. Whitbread, Doug Greenwell, Andy Tommo, Anthony Smith 22.00-23.00 Anthony Smith, Neil Logan Sat 1 dee ALL DAY BLUES (Wait Oman, Nigel Cox, Anna Gee, Sarah 10.30-11.30 Fallavi Patel, Tim Bar- untili you get aloada this) McMath, Tim Barnes. nes, Anna Gee, Nigel Cox Sun 25 Nov 10.00-11.00 Sarah McMath, Russel Apologies for the very long shifts on Rag Revue. Thompset, Jenny HoUand ADB, bui if more people had gol of their 8.00-9.00 Doug Greenwell, Nigel 11.00-12.00FallaviPatel.Nigel Cox, butis io do security, then it would have Cox, Anna Gee, Fallavi Patel Lil Ashford, Tim Barnes been easier on everyone, bui hey that's 9.00-10.00 Andy C, Jenny HoUand, 12.00-13.00 Nigel Cox, Tim Barnes, Ufe (or so l've been told repeaiedly). Oh Steve Herman, Tim Barnes Kellie Sweeney, Andrea Norris yes one more thing - YOU MUST TURN 10.00-11.00 Lil Ashford, Russel 13.00-14.00 Alan Anderson, Neil UF SOBER when you have to do your Thompset, Andy Logan, Steve Thom- Oman, Anna Gee, Sarah McMath shift-sorry bui that's the rules (Union pson 14.00-15.00 Andy Logan, Steve Her- Rules).Every-one who does security can 11.00-12.00 Emma Barker, Andrea man, Fallavi Fatel, Jenny Holland get into the event FREE, and geis lo Norris, Neil Oman, Tony Lee 15.00-16.00 Jenny HoUand, Andrea come to the Rag Afiermath party, but Wednesday is a lower bar disco, Norris, FhiUp Newman, Anthony Smith (anoiher boring bit) you must slay behind which starts at S.OOpm, so committee and help clear up al the end. End of bor- only on security Tm afraid. 16.00-17.00 Anthony Smith, Steve ingly depressing agonizing nasly bit. Thür 29 nov Rocky Horror Disco. GreenweU, Lil Ashford, Kellie Sweeney Maid Marion F.S. If you need a quick 8.00-9.00 Andy C, Sarah McMath, Union shuts for an hour laugh, go up lo Sare (from BF), and say Nigel Cox, Emma Baiker 18.00-19.00 Tim Barnes, Alan An- "Donkey" to her in a straighi and serious 9.00-10.00 Lisa Smithson, Tim Bar- derson, Sleve Greenwell, Andrea Norris, way.

13 Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast ALL DAY BLUES AH Day Blues on December Ist (Last Saturday of Rag Week) is an event not to be missed if you enjoy good live music (even if you don't come along anyway because the bar will be open all day) For the princely sum of £4 you can enjoy an all day music extravaganza. So get there early to get your money's worth (or at least to stake your place in the bar queue) The daytime session runs from 11.00 a.m. until 4.30 p.m. with The Hamsters headlining at 1.00 p.m. Evening session headli- ners are Dr Brown, and the session runs from 5.30 p.m. until 11.00 p.m. Anyway heres some information on the bands that will be playing. YELLOW DARKNESS DAY SESSION 11.00 A.M. 'TDL 4.30P.M. YELLOW DARKNESS Yellow Daricness, who look like they once might have been walk-on parts in The Magic Roundabout, descibe themselves as a band of "Contrast, clashes and co-ordina- ion" It has been said of them in the Press "I challenge anyone, anywhere to find a better jnsigned band in the U.K. than Yellow Dark- ess". They have played many times in Lon- on, where they "Try out ideas", they have flaunted such venues as The Powerhaus Opera on the Green, The Cricketers, Ken- ington and The Rock Garden. They express a liking for Picasso, The Magic Roundabout and Circus programmes.

THE HAMSTERS The Hamsters.currently on toui with Eh- Feelgood have cut into their busy schedule to do "All Day Blues" The Hamsters play a very powerful and most danceable blend of Rhythm'n'Rock'n'Blues,from B.B King to Jimi Hendrix to Z.Z. Top and descibe themselves as "Blue Wave" They will be playing at 1.00 p.m.so don't miss them! GYPSIE FIDDLER Gypsie Fiddler play an unusua blend of "Punk Rock'n'Roll". They have played at various venues in- cluding The Fulham Greyhound The Doncaster Fig and have a gig ai the Marquee lined up for next March.

BIG BELIEF Big Belief play a timeless blend of Rock'n'Roll, musically they could be put somewhere be- tween The Clash and The Rolling Stones. They have done gigs all over the U.K. including Guild- ford Civic, where along with Yellow Darkness,they were among the best nine unsigned bands in the country. EVENING SESSION 5.30 P.M. 'TIL 11.00 P.M.

BIG BELIEF 14 crab feast Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991

AMPT.E CLEAVAGE Ample Cleavage describe themselves as a band with an "insatiable appetite for life'Mhey have played at various venues all over the U.K. and have a possible American tour lined for next year .Musical influences include "The Crazy Head New York Dolls"."Faith No More" and "Quire Boys".Their music could be described as Rock/Blues/Th^h. ANTHILL MOB THE ANTHILL MOB 3 of the band were originally part of "Sammy Rat's Blues Band", but have now formed a brand new band playing what they call a pure form of blues, earthy urban blues from the 1950's and 1960's by artists like iSonny Boy Williamson, Elmore James, •^Jjimmy Reed and B.B. King. * SAMMY RATS BIG RTG BLUES BAND Sammy Rat's Big Big Blues Band were formed in 1986, as a live band,with the aim of having a good time and playing blues music to as many people as possible. For All Day Blues Sammy Rat's promise their big- gest band ever featuring guitars, harmonica, honky-tonk piano and big big horns. Expect a met of traditional and comtempary blues witha smattering of original tunes, all played lo the foot thumping good time feel of The Sammy Rat stomp. DR BROWN Dr Brown Portsmouth's hairiest band play a son of psychedelic rock blues type thing. They have been gigging non-stop in 1990, clocking up an impressive 100 gigs in the first half of 1990, playing places like The Marquee and The Edinburgh Festival, as well as recording their second studio LP. due for release in December. The bands hobbies include beard growing, mud wres- tling and the wearing of organic jumpers, one band member is particularly fond of taking his clothes off in public and taking his clothes off in private. EMMA AND TOMMO.

^CAREERS SERVICE' KPMG Peat Marwick McLintock Chartered Accountants and Business Advisors Guildford Office Open Day Wednesday 5th December Starting 3 pm

c:

For further details

see Nadine Hunter

in the Careers Office

Impression^ by Friday 30th November Reality

^CAREERS SERVICE

15 Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast The HORRY ROCKER Show (oops in other words.... TEÏE ROCKY HORROR FILM AND DISCO) This is probably the best disco ever, but there again maybe not. Remember this is the only chance you get to come to the Union wearing women's underwear, unless of course you're a woman (honest). Now for some information about what the Rocky Horror ^tually entails fOT all you ignorant b*****ds, actually I can't talk 'cos 1 don't know the first thing about it, so this just a complete rip off of last years Bare Facts - so to continue I quote: " Brad Ma- jors (arsehole) and Janet Weiss (slut) have just got engaged and are on the way to see their old science teacher from Denton High, Dr Everet Scott (Nazi) when their car gets a flat tyre. They seek help at an old castle owned by Frank 'N'Furter (sweet transves- tite from Transexual Transylvania). Frank if you don't know the story then you're a pretty sad suit case, all battered round the edges, (not like a fish). Anyway its a pretty fab and groovy super-dooper event!!,even though I do say so myself. There is a bar extension (whats that I hear you all say? and I reply "two foot of board stuck, miraculasly(?), on the end of the previous one") no, no, no, its when you can drink even more alcdiol (if you're not already paralytic) before time is called... "half past Tuesday and a pound of tomatoes, please". Anyway back to the point, the BAR EXTENSION IS UNTIL 1:00 a.m. (I was shouting there if you didn't know). We interupt this crap for an important NEWS FLASH.. no Nicholas put your clothes back on... TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE NOW..ish FROM YOUR LOCAL RAG TICKET PERSON for £2-50 luv from Russell (not the most particularly unstupid) and Hilary (the stupid one) *** P.S.folkies...There are some important essentials and some essential importants for participation in this film... 1) Newspaper-(to be black and white and red all over boom boom..) for during the storm! 2) Oxyacetaline torch, flame thrower or preferably a lighter, match or candle - during 'Over At The Frankinstein Place'. 3) Rubber gloves- Say no more....ex- cept that they should be "pinged" where appropriate 4) Confetti- for the bridal suite ..Where else? 5) Party hat- for taking to the party! ! ! ! 6) Any other item you feel necessary for your enjoyment of the film...no perverts please! Hooray (cushions may be thrown around ad-lib. at this point...as long as you remember to clear up afterwards) at last we have finished this section of the infamous "CRAB FEAST" THEBIGTHANXAND DEFINITELY NO THANX COLUMN! ^CAREERS SERVICEm^ As the amazing secretary of Rag I have decided to write this because I have to do something for this issue! Superduper and splendicious thanks go to Alastair Robertson, the only member of Bare Facts who could be FOimiCOHING EVENTS arsed to help us with producing this epic, thanks do not go to the rest of the TEAM?? for sitting around and saying "it's got nothing to do with me!". Hmmmmmmmm. Anyway, thanks obviously also go to the Rag WEEK 0 Committee for doing their bit for the crab feast and for all the hard, sweat producing woric they've all put in for next week (by the way you lot, don't CAREERS TALK forget you've still got to do security!). Why is it that even having arranged it all we've still got to do the security? I think a manadate should have been passed so we didn't but then Hilary did those and we all know what CBOOSIMG A CAREER she's like! And I suppose I have to thank the people who took part, yes you reading this load of *$(5)! are actually being thanked for taking part. THURSDAY 29 NOVEMBER Thankyou as well to anyone and everyone and some more people. Spell- bound for letting me and Hilary have our bear suits for £25 for the week, erm... AT 7 PH IM LIM ...the people who make paper plates and shaving foam oh, and can 1 suggest that Hari starts wearing 15 denier stockings - those 5 denier ones

don't half ladder easily erm and Stage Crew for doing loadsawork This session will provide a general guide for us for FREE (and it really would be nice if Charlie would finish off his column so that Alastair, sweetiepie that he is, can get it ready for print- to the important issues involved in making ing, hint, hint!) also I must say thankyou very much to whoever gave us career decisions. It will be a repeat talk permission for keeping the bar open till all hours of the moming, mines for finalists who ùssed the one given in a double vodka, black and lemonade pleeeeeaaase,and the people in the depart«ents. Rag Revue, well I shall say thankyou but I reserve the right to change that for when I see the Revue on Sunday, will somebody tell me my lines please? I think I'm supposed to thank people like the Union Officials for being good sports and all that but then they had fun mandating us so I'm not sure why I should, in fact 1 don't think I will so there! ^CAREERS SERVICE* And I've got to thank Bare facts for paying for this issue and for giv- ing Rag the advertising money, and that is my last thankyou. Thankyou. BOOBOO. 16 crab feast Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 BEER RACE RULES 1. Each team shall consist of 3 members, at least one of EACH sex. (Any team consisting of members of the same sex will be automatically disqualifiée! and taken away to a safe place and locked up for being TOO BILLY). 2. Each member shall have only 2 (that's TWO for the illiterate) legs. 3. The course shall consist of a route covering various watering holes (PUBS to youj and drinks therein contained. 4. At each PUB, each member of the team shall consume one half pint of beer. The whole half pint must be consumed by the contestant and any cheating shall mean instant deshiving of that person and anyone else we see fìt to deshive, 5. There is STILL no rule 5 as we haven't thought one up since last year. 6. Team members shall be securely tied to each other at the ankles and any untying of these bonds for any reason whatsoever (especially easing the cali of nature) is naughty and will merit an immediate good spank- ing and immediate disqualification. 7. The cosi of entering die BEER RACE shall be £30 per team, payable in cash (lovely, lovely money - gimme, gimme, gimme...) and accompanied by a completed, signed and lovingly carressed entry form. The entry forms will be available from the RAG desk in the Union Foyer from lOam on Monday 21st Nov on a first come first served basis so get in quick.... • 8. The winning team is the one that completes the course in the correct order and has consumed the cor- rect amount of alcohol in the fastest time. All other teams are then deemed to have lost but aré re- quired to complete the course in a reasonable amount of time or be severely chastised. • 9. The race shall commence at 10.30 am at the Sports hall. • 10. Silly clothes, based on this year's theme of WÄOiWAA'5(No- l'm a Roman...Thwow him to the gwownd etc...) must be wom. • 11. The team must sign in at each pub, or else 12. AH entrants shall accept ali of the rules as a condition of entry. • 13. These are the pubs which will be probably be visited during the BEER RACE - the completed list and the running order will be publicised at a later date. GUEST ALES Sports Hall half - pint Union Upper Bar pint TfflS WEEKEND Hie Plough half - pint The Cannon half - pint Britlania half - pint Two Brewers half - pint JOHN SMrras Robin Hood half - pint Rat's Castle half - pini YORKSHIRE Spread Eagle half - pint TheSlar half - pint Surrey Court Bar half - pint BITTER 14. LIABILITY. Remember, once you\e signed the BEER RACE entry form it means that you accept the Only 85p per pint above rules unconditionally and that the University ofSurrey RAG Committee cannot be held respon- sible, or liable, for any injury caused, or sustained, or Hansa Lager Bier loss incurred during this event! £120 per pint i7 Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 crab feast ENTERPRISE SKILLS PROFILE This easy to complete set of questions will help you find a) write out ali the main points as they are given and then out how Enterprising you really are. Just select the answer that re-write them neatly afterwards is right for you, check the rating scale, and you will know how b) tend lo doodle. though I think a lot about what is you fare. being said 11 study because: c) listen and try to answer any questions asked a) I wanttogetagooddegree d) make brief notes of what I understand and what I b) l'm generally b^ed don't, and ask friends later about what I don't c) l'm afiraid of being told off by my tuto understand d) there are some things I want to leam Scoring: a=2, b=3,c=l,d=4 2 When I get a list of books to read I: a) go straight to the library and iry to borrow every book Score on the list 0-3: Request maths improver course b) get one of the books and read it several times 4-6: Have a really serious discussionwith your personal c) go lo the library just before an essay is due in tutor d) work out with fhends who is going to read which and 7-10: Solid in method but lacking personal creativity arrange to share what we find late 11-14: Congratulations on being your own person, but some room for improvement 3 When I have an essay to write: 15orl6 Please help your friends to study as well as you. a) read my lecture notes and work out a pian fOT a well organised response Seriously, you and I have seen nonsense like the above in' b) draft and re-draft il several times until it reads well ali kinds of magazines (I won'l say which). But Enterprise is fìrom begiiming to end real and I think important for you, as the Enterprise Team in- c) lock myself away for an evening and work away al il tends to help make the courses you sludy and how you study, until it is fìnished much more interesting and effective. People involved in the d) draw a picture pian of the main ideas that are involved effort include students (why not you?),members of staff, em- and put them into areas of correlatìon and then write the ployers and the Enterprise Team itself. If you want lo know essays firees^le. more, just phone us on Ext. 9344 Graham Rawlinson 4 When I go to a lecture I: Director Enterprise Team

BRITONS to come and see.... A CHRÌSTMAS TRUCE

MAIN HALL DECEMBER 3fd,4th.5th 20 00hrs ^"WANTS TICKETS £3-00 (conc.£2-00) from TRADING DESK, INFORMATION CENTRE SENATE HOUSE YOU" a university of surrey drama society production

18 crab feast Frothday Novimbert 23rd 0991 LATVIA CHARITY FITNESS FUN WEEK 3) Sunday 9th December 9.00 (Sports Hall) 3rd - 9th December 1990 5-ASIDE SOCCER TOURNAMENT FOR LATVIAN Jusl a short 'breakdown' of ail the activities we have in EXCHANGE There is a five-a-side toumament organised for store for you.... Sunday 9th December at 2.(X)pm. There are a few places left The theme is - FUN - it doesn't matter if you haven't ever for any teams wishing to enter. The entry fee is £10 per team. been to a fitness class this term - do bring friends and 'com- Any teams interested should leave their détails (team name and munity outsiders' - landladies, boyfriends, girlfriends, family - players contact nos.) in the soccer club pidgeon hole in the ANYONE and EVERYONE! Union f.a.o Kieran. Spectators in ali shapes, sizes or guises are The aim is to raise as much money for the exchange of Lat- needed! vian students with our own Surrey students - we have a target 4) Sunday 9th December 5.00 (Sports Hall) of£5000. ANOTHER COMMUNITY AND UNIVERSITY 1) Monday 3rd December 5.15 (Great Hall) AEROBICS WORKOUT FOR LATVIA. A repeat of our MASS AEROBICS Fancy dress/drag etc. Aérobics wor- Monday workout with ali the aérobics teachers including kout with Omar, Trish, Sally, Pete, Cynthia and Cliff - aéro- Omar, Sally, Trish, Qiff etc etc. 5-a-side soccer teams are wel- bics with a différence. £2 on the door. come after their Latvian toumament! And the specatators- 2) Thursday 6th December 5.20 (Sports Hall) bring your trainers down U) the Sports Hall! Fancy dress if you DEREKS CIRCUIT TEST! (Fancy dress if you like) The like! £2 on the door. test will include exercises normally carried out at Dereks cir- 5) Sunday 9th December 2-6pm cuit sessions! Working in pairs, each competitor will have 30 OPEN ARTICLE IN THE GYM - seconds at each station; there will be 9 stations finishing with *KING OR QUEENOF THE GYM' shuttle runs. Those with the highest number of répétitions will Contact : be awarded a University of Surrey fitness award l^ge. Derek. DaveAplin Sports Hall £2 on the door. Sally Edie Sports Hall Theresa Buteux ... .CathedralóB for further détails.

AN OPPORTUNITY OFALIFETIME Ever thought of SKIING? ^ It's not too late to join in the two University ski trips:

18th January 1991 to Les Deux Alpes 17th March 1991 to Vars (St Marie) This is skiing with a différence - serious challenges for the experienced but as importantly the focus of our trips are aimed beginners and encouraging new people to take up this exciting sport! Snowball fights, pizza evenings, to- boganing, discos, cabarets, fondues etc etc are ali part of the weeks programme! Everything is included in the price (even lift passes) and we wlcome groupsof friends both from on campus or from your own town or family. Payment (£410 Les Deux Alpes, £340 Vars) Can be madein installments between now and next July. Contact Pam West or Sally Edie at the Sports Hall for further détails (ext9200). ^ PEC&MBER MoH. AlRoaiCS- 5:li-6'ìo ^^^ Tiut 'ìftl ^ Sun . Kwft or Tue «yh- 2 -1 QY« f S-A-Voe- riAIN HAU MAIN HAkk AU - £2 1 19 24th Nov - 5th Dec

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LBD FOR RAIDEHS

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