PROGRAM #30 AEVISE.D SCRIPT
_AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPAN_Y
LUCIiX STR IKE
TBE JACK BENNY PROGRAM_ SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 1953 CBS 4 :00-4 ;30 PM PST
BB
Ri"MO) 07 6 3 6 73 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM APRIL 5, 1953 (`PRANSCRISED LsaaoE 31, 1953) OPENING COMM6RCL4L
WILSON : Tf E JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . .TRANSCRIBEI] AND PRESENTED BY LUCKY ~ STRIKE! You know, in a cigarette . . .nothing -- no nothing -- beats better taste . And . . . ~
COLLINS : Luckies taste bettert ~ CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoocher! i COLLINS : Luckies taste better! ~ CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother!
For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco
Richer-tasting tobacco
; Luckies taste better! . COLLINS I CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother!
Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike : WILSON• This is Don Wilson I think you'll agree that smoking enjoyment depends on the taste of your cigarette . For
nothing -- no, nothinR beats better taste . And Luckies
taste better . . . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Here's why : Luckies better taste starts with fine, mild, good-tasting , tobacco . Remember, IS/N.Pr -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And equally important, Luckies are made better to taste
better . . .made round and firm and fully packed to draw
freely, smoke evenly, and give you- a cleaner, fresher,
smoother taste . So friends, ge^, the one thing you want most
in your cigarette . . . better taste! On your next trip to the
cigarette counter, be happy -- go Lu~! Ask for a carton of Lu~Strike . You'll find . . . COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother!
CHORUS : Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! BB
rar W r oiss 6 Ta. (FIFST ROUTINE) _ I
(AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DW1N) +
DON : THE LUCKP STRII{E PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY
LNINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, B0B CROSBY, THE SPORTSMEPi
QUARTET AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WIL .40N .
(APPIAUSE . . .MUSIC UP PSVD DCWN) DON : IADIES AIDD GENTLEMEN. . .IT'S EABTEft SLmIDAY . . .AND IN CITIES ALL OVER TEE COUNTRY PEOPLE ARE PAR2.DING . . .RIGHT NOW IN
BEVERLY HILLS JACK IS GETTING READY FOR HIS STROLL DOn'N ~
WILBHIRE BOUL E /ARD AS 13 HIS CUSTOM EVERY EASTER . . .AT THE
MOMENT HE'S TAPSNG A SHOWER, AND ROC?iESTER IS LAYING OUT HI8
CLOTEES,
ROCH : -i5~.; r-~`-._-'t~3~-~ . . . . , - , a
.AW{?-'Pfa . . . . WATiH P'A9M, b42 . BENNY'S BEL:N IN TFAT SHOWF,R A LONG
TIME . . .BUT HE ALWAYS STAYS IN THE'RPs PRETTY LONG . . HE'D GET
THROUGH SOONER IF HE'D SING IN 2HE SHCWER LIKE EVERYBODY
EL4E INSTEAD OF PLAYING HIS VIOLIN . . .BLT IT WAS PRETTY
CLEVER THE WAY HE TIID THAT BRUSH ON THE END OF HIS VIOLIN ,
BOW. . .I'LL BET HEIFITZ CAN'T PLAY "LOVE IN BLOOiK" AND SCRUB ,
HIS BACK AT THE SAM TIME . t
JACK: OH ROCHESTER . . .RCCHESTER, I
ROCH : YES, BOSS . ~
JACK: I'm through with rty shower . .hand me my towel, ROCH: YOUR T04IEL? ~
JACK : All right, the Statler's . . don't Ue so technical when I'm , freezing . I ROCH : HERE YOU ARE . . .AND :INE 'S YOUR SHORTS . i
BB
A 1-kC 01 0 3 8 3E15 JACK: Thanks . . .Gee, that shower,was invigorating . You know, Rochester . .sinee-Z've been-dieting, I feel like a new man . . . . anfi I look so muchtMnrIer, donvt I? ' ROCH : ~Q YOU LOOK ABOUT TRR SAA7~ TO ME, :BOSS . JACK : ~~bon't be silly . I bet_)[ 1ost .a . .l.ot of weight . I'll get cn the scale and show you, (SOUND: STANDING ON SCALE . . .PENNY DROPPING . . .GRINDLNG
nuoHlr ER c AND CARD CoMES CUT) *A~ OF
JACK: ~A Here's the card . . .Let me saewhat it says . ._"You would be ." e.financial success if yoiY,"weren*t such a spendthrift I ROCH : OH, SCALF, OME NOW! JACK: And here'sqmy weight . . .Hnmm . .one hundred and two pounds . . . Rochester, this scale is way off .
R00H: I COULDA TOLD YOU THAT WHEN YOU READ YOUR FORTUNE .
JACK: Never mind . . .Let's check this scale . .Rochester, you get on . . .
see how much you weigh .
ROCH : OKAY . . .LET'S SEE IF I'VE GOT A PENNY . . . (SOUND: JINGLE OF COINS) ROCH : YEAH, Ii=•RE'S ONE .
(SCIND: STANDING ON SCALE . . .PED@IY DROPPING . . .
GRSNDING OF fMCIiLNFRY AND CARD COMES OUT)
ROCH: YlELL, MY '+lEIGHT IS CORPECT . JACK: Gocd . . .what does the card say on the other side? ROCH : LET'S SM-1 . . ."TELL'PHG PREVIOUS SPENDTH'iRIFT fiE PUT IN A SLUG' . p0 JACK : t's my scale I can do what I wnnt . . .Now, Rochester, did you
lay out my clothes? ROCH: YES SIR. . .YOUR BLL'E SUIT IS ON THE BED .
BB
HT ;K07 098367E+ -3- JACK: My blue suit? . . .No? I wore that in the Easter Parade last I
year . .I better wear something else . (SOUA'D ; D00R BUZZER) JACK : Answer the door, Rochester, I'll pick out a suit . ROCH: (FADING) -ffAfzY:-H,~i1rJ, ~~" JACK : Rochester always ~tries to mske me look so conservative . . .This ~ is the Easter Paxade . . .I should wear something Springy . . . . Let's see . . .what could I---I know, r-'11 wear myy white suit . . ~ I'll bet it's as good as the year I put it away . I ROCH: BOSS, NI:SS L:Z7?1(i4^ONE IS HERE . I JACK: Oh yes . .she's walking in the Easter Parade with me . . .Te1l her I I'll be right out . I
RCCR: OKAY . :oTFL4T ATME '10?i F .. :.":i'dG JN TH.1T WHITE SUIT FOR? I
JACK : I'm gonna waar i : in the pars:3e . ~
ROCH: BUT BOSS, I THINK ',[ZiE, BLUE ONE Y70DLD LOOK A LOT-- i
JACK: Rochester, I'm gonna wear the wY_ite suit and that settles it . ~
ZOCH : OKAY OKAY . I
(SOUND : FEW FCOTSTEPS) I
MARY : Is he ready, Rochester? ~
ROCH : HE WILL BE IN F~,~1iNUTE .,,SAY, NLSS LIVINGSTONE, THAT'S A
BEAUTIFOL LRP'SS YOC'VE GOT ON . t~ . MARY :'~bU~"'Thank you, Rochester .
RCCH : AVD TH9T BELT : ARE THOSE REAL DIAMONDS ON IT? MARY: Uh huh . ,
ROCH : iJELL, IT SURE IS BEAUTIFUL . . .I'VE NEGER SEEN A BELT LIKE THAT .
MARY : it isn't mine . It belongs to my sister Babe . ROCH : 0& .
BB
F37-}S 0 1 0 1835 1? LNARV : Ring Magazine gave it to her when she retired undefeated .
ROCH: OH YES, SHE WAS A LIGHT~~-H~E~AVY~, WpASN'T SHE?
MeIRY : (LAUGHS) }'ee.kl . •''i~C,~+...lr_ .
JACK : (COMING IN) Hello, Mary . . .Happy Easter .
MARY : Happy -- JACK, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT WHITE SUIT . JACK : Why not, what's wrong with it?
MARY : I haven't seen one like that since Admiral Byrd came back ~ from the South Pole .
JACK: What are ,you talking about? I MARY: Well, if you're going to wear it, at least wipe that tomato e~
JAeK: a-op o rth, peJ, .A ~~~a._.r
MJA K ;~` Whzt~~or .`~roin 9tance Kt'llalook '_ike a red carnatior. . . . ~ 3
Come on, Mary, -~_et'= go . . .See you later, Rochester . ROCH: GOODBYE, BOSS . . .GGODDYL, MISS SSVSNGSTONE .
MARY : Goodb-e,~' Rochester }'e---yul. . By the goingway, s -y-out ~' tcs.walk---y in the Easter Parade ~'?
ROCH : YES, BUT FIRST I'VE GOTTA Me= A CALL TO A GIRL I HAVE A
BIS'_QD DATE WITH . I'VT COTTA TELi, HER ABOUT A CHANGE IN PLPNS . JACK: Change in plans?
RCCH: YEAH, I TOLD HER TO BE ON THE CORNER OF SIXTH AND CENTRAL AND
LOOK FOR A PrL9N H_ARING A WIffTE SUIT . JACK : Oh, so t1;at's why you -- well wear our blue one, it's your turn to be conservative . . . . Come on Mary, let's go . I (SHORT TRANSITION MUSIC . . ."EAS2'ER PARADE") (SOUND : STRIS~T idOISES . . .FCOTSTIPS CONTINUING ON CEMENT BEHIND FOLLOWING)
MARY: Gee, there are a lot of people out walking on Wilshire Boulevard .
HB
ATX01 01 8 3E7 8 -5-
JACK : Yeah. . . you know . . .this is a wonderful time of the year . . .
There's something in the air . . .a spirit of awakening . . . of
romance . . .It makes me feel so young . .(COY) and you lmow what
they say, Mary . . .in the Spring a young man's fancy turns to
love .
MARY: Give me your hand, Jack .
JACK : Gee, do you feel romantic, too? MARY: No, we're coming to a, curb ar.d I don't want you to fall on
your face . JACK : Hmmmn . MARY : Jack, lock who's coming this way .. . .Isn't that one of the boys in your Beavers Club? J'1 JACK : Oh yes ;tit's Jcey Hudson .
(SCUND : FCOTSTEPS STOP) MARY: Hello, Joey .
STUFFY : Hello, Miss Livingstone . JACK: Hello, Jcey .
3TU=`?Y : Hello, Mr . Benny . .Hey, dig ths.t crazy carnation .
JACK: See . . .I told you, Mary . ! ~ Say,Mr-Benny-yov-shoulc~have~een~;t~ur-3as t-meecing .-~_ \~We formed a baseball team . _ JACK: Really\~~\ ~ - I STOFFY : Yeah . .and we're nar,iing-it after my father . . . We're genna call ourselves~. Hudson Hurri es:- , I JACK: _ TheHudsun Hurricanes? 33§F'?k--Don!~youlik~it?_ .
BB
F3 V H 0 7 0 1 83E79 -5- JACK ; Yeah . . . you know . . .this is a wonderfUl time of the year . . .
There's something in the air . . .a spirit of awakening . . . of
romance . . .It makes me feel so young . .(CCY) and you know what I they say, Mary . . .in the Spring a young man's fancy turns to
love .
MARY : Give me your hand, Jack .
JACK : Gee, do you feel romantic, too? MARY: No, we're coming to a curb and I don't want you to fall on your face . JACK: Hummm
: Jack, lock. MAFtY who's coming thts way . . .Isn't that one of the
boys in your Beavers Club?
JACK: Oh yes ,;Ii t's Joey Hudson .
(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS STOP) MAHY: Hello, Joey .
STCFFY : Hello, Miss Livingstone .
JACK : Hello, Joey .
STUFEY : Hello, Mr . Her.ny. .Hey, dig that crazy carr.ation .
JACK : See . . .I told you, Mary .
$4.'[~FF .--Say~-Mr-$enn,-. .-rjov-should-have--bees-at--ocr~ :asU-seeting~- ..
~We _`d a baseball team . _ i JACK: Really? ~.. STUFF~' : Yeah. .and wc're namic,.m,- it\ r my father . . . We're gonna call
ccrselves th e Hudson Hurricanes: . _ JACK : TheHudson Eurricanes? ~- -
344TFFY --Fen! t_gou -l ike --l t2__ "
BB
19 7MU7 01 6362 0 JAC~ ; Well, your father's a nice man . . .but, Joey . . .I've been th e
Club treasurer for years . . .I've worked hard for you . . .and
I'm also a charter member . The least you /do is naae r team the Benny Bombers . ,
3TUFFY : Oh, tHa,t's all right with us, Mr . Benny. Iy~'s just that we decid t,o name the team after whoever gi~/e/s us the eight y dollars or the uniforms .
JACK: ...... T 1 me, Joey, when is the fi}~st game of the Hudso n Hurricanes ?
MARY : Well . . .that'squiekest changVin baseball since Boston
beoame Milwanke /
: Yeah, yeah. . .Now let j lmow ~ JACK when you play your firs t game . I wa.7ta be t re . ,
MARY : Are you going to play, \,Tack? JACK : Well-- SLUFFY : Oh, no, Mr . Benny can't p1d.y . It wouldn't be fair to have
a professional on our team .
MARY : professional ? JACK: Come on Mary, .let's gc . MARY : Wait a minute, Jack . . .wh?.t do you me~Ln, professional . Jcey? JACK: Mary, let!s go . \
MARY : Just a eecond . . .Joey, wNat do you mea;~ $\professional? S''IIFFY : Weil,,didn't Mr . Be~ny ever tell you how 11e was the star o f the~4929 world Series ? JACK: Come on, Mary, let's get out of here . MARY : No, Joey, what about it ?
STUFFYi Well, it was the last of the ninth, the score was ttied, t'r.e
/ / bases were loaded, t•ao out, Babe Ruth came up to bat,and
~ Mr . Benny was pitching . .-JACK : Mary --
ATXO1 01 8 36 2 1 -7- -S^UFFY: AtH-MYr-Bennp=only-threw~ne=pitch~.n~ _*~^ ~1uo~~t-Eabe=Rvttr. - -~lew-jus~e.-minvte-How-oovld~e-etrike~r.ytrcdy-ovt-with-one- -pttoh? -BTEtBHY---We33: ;-Mr-Senny=e}rnew-hfs--%amous-e3ew-ba11a~Waa-so. s].o*.:--thaL-S-abe-Rnth-awung-at~.-S-three-ttmES . JACK : MaryT-i~-wei-re-gonna-walk~.n~he-East,ezr-Para3e-rlet! .~walkT. Goodbye, Joey .
STOFFY : So long, Mr . Benny .
MARY ; Gocdbye, Joey .
S'lUFF2 : Goodbye, Champ . MARY : It's my sister's belt .
. JACK ; Come on, Mary . 2z~aJ q.,~.
(SOIINC : FOOTSTE(PS) -p9t~i~:.--aBCk; -ti7hg-da-gev-te-Y?-'~4tose-Xids-suolrfantas ;,fo-stor4ee?- -JACK ;----Dlaxy,-W hen~au're-as-weak-ee-~-enr-yonJhSV~t o~a} ;~things-vg: ~.r (SOUNL: FOOTSTEPS STOP)
JACK: -5ey-l1a,ry, look at that poster in front of the theatre . . It's Rita Hayworth in "Salomi" doing the dance of the Seven Veils . . . . Boy, would I like to see that in three Dimension . . . Gee, she's beautiful .
MARY: Jack, your glasses are steaming up . .let's go . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) MARY: Say Jack, 1cok . . .traz theatre across the street is showing a revival of "Easter Parade" with Judy Garland and Fred Astaire .
JACKc Oh yes . . remember how cute that picture started . . .F'red was walking along Fifth Avenue singing that song . . .and the people answered him? . . .How did that song go again?
(SHORT INTRODUCTION TO "HAPPY EASTER")
RT)i09 0763 6 22 -a- MARY: (SINGS) NEJER SAW SUCH A LOVELY DAY . . .HAPYY EASTER .
QUART : HAPPY EASTER . JACK: IT'S SUCH FUN JUST TO NOD AND SAY . . .HAPPY EASTER . QUART : HAPPY &ASTER . MARY : MY OH ME, THERE'S SO MUCH TO SEE AS YOU STROLL THE AVENUE AND YOU GREE'c' ALL TAEFRIENDS YOU MB7L QUART : HAPPY EASTER TO YOU .
(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS UP) JACK: Isn't it nice, Mary, they all answered us, just like they did in the picture : Yeah . . MPRY
JACK: Say Mary . . .isn't that Bob Crosby and his wife?
MARY : Where?
JACK : Walking on the other side of the street .
NLY: Oh yes .
JACK street : riurry up, let's cross the and join then . i MARY : But Jack, 1t's the Easter Parade, ma,qbe they'd rather walk alone .
JACK :~ P)~ Don't be silly, Nsry . . .Bob would be insulted if he thought
we saw him and didn't say hello .
(SOUPD : STREET NOISES) BOB : Say June . . .lsn't that IDlexy Livingstone across the street there?
JUNE : Why, yes . . .it does look like Me.ry. . .But I wonder who that is with her .
BB
BTk{ 0 7 0 783623 I~('Q/ G'" 9 BOB : vvY~ don't know ./Lfrom here he looks like Admiral Byrd . . . oever he is, he's trying to attract our attention . . .He's waving his hand
JUNE : . Now he's waving his hat . BCB : Now h='s waving his hair, it's Jack . . .I'm atnazed that he's
this far drnan cn WiL hire . . .He usually never gets past the
Califcrn'_a Bank . JUNE : C-ee Bob, I hope he doesn't join us
: Why? . BOB I JUNE : Well, I like Jack, but look at the way he's dresse~d : Well , keep walid-ng straight ahead . We'll pretencj.~we.~~ BOB haven't seen him .
JACK : (SLIGHT PAIISE . . .OF: B=) Ch, Bob . . .Bob .
BOB : Keep walking, honey, there are a lot of Bobs .
JACK: (CLOSER BL'T STILL OFF) Ch~ B b Crosby .
BOB: Keep walking . . . there's another Bob Crosby in Encico .
JACK: (STIlZ CLOB Z2 ) Oh, Bi 's Brother . i BOB : He's got me . I JACK: Hello, kids . ~cQ
all BOB : Why, Jack Benny of people , 1 what a pleasant surprise . JACK: Yeah .
JiT,`dE : Hello, Mary .
MARY : Hello, June . . .Say, that's a beautiful outfit you've got on . . .
That mink stole is just exqc'_site . I JACK: It snre is . . .is it new, Bob? k .-- BOB : Oh nc . .i got it _°or her last year when-1-- was with Campbell's Soup . JACK : Campbell's Soup?
BB
fll'tSC.~7 07 9 3 6 24 -10-
BOB : You know . . .the outfit that made your carnation . JACK : Oh, oh.
BOB : Well, we better be running along now .
JUNE : Yes, Bob
: put aren't . JACK you going to walk with us? a ~C BOB : ~-Gealr we'd love to, Jack, but the kids are home,qalone and we've just gotta get back to them . . .See you later . MARY: Happy Easter .
JACK : Happy Easter .
BOB & JUNE : Happy Easter . (SOUND : F'OOTSTEPS) (SHORT INTRO) BOB : WAISiING WITH YOU SIDE BY SIDE . . .HAPPY F.>STER . JUNE: HAPPY EASTn."'R . BCB : FITTS MY OHGST WITH SO MUCH PRIDE . . .fL1PPY EAoT'cR . JUNE : EiAPPY EASTER .
QUART : MY OH ME, 't'fCIL'S SO MUCH TO SEE
AS YOU Sri'P.OLL T'iT; AziEN[P BOB & JUNE : AND YOU GRJT
ALL THE FRIENDS YOU MGET
QUART : HAPPY F,ASTER TO YOU . µC~, (SOUiVD : FOOTSTEPS . . .STft^cET NOISES UP AND DQWP )
..Ite-was nice running into Bob and June . JACK : Yeah. . .what perfect weather . . .Spring . . .the skies are clear . . .
the flowers are blocming . .the sun is shlning . . .Gee, that Rita
Hayworth is beautifLl . . .Me.ry, we oughta see that picture and-- ee-nc~lf o (APPLAUSE) BE (SOUND : FOOTS'PEPS STOP) H'F}S01 078 -1625 JACK : Well, Professor LeBlanc . What a surprise running into you . MAIIY: Hello, Professor . MGL: Bon jour, Madamoiselle . MARY : Professor, you certainly look nice today . . .Is that a new Easter suit you're wearing? MEL: Madamoiselle . . .I am a poor violin teacher . . .I cannot afford .d to buy new suite . JACK : Well, what do you do with the money I ray you for my violin lessons? MEL: I buy sleeping pills . JACK : Oh, are they any good? MEL: No, after a few days I wake up . JACK : Oh . . .well, it was nice seeing you, Professor . . .and don't forget, you're giving me a violin lesson tomorrow . IAEL: I wiil not forget . . . .i will tie a string around my finger . JACK: Good good . MEL : Better I should tie a rope around my neck. JACK: What? MEL: Gocdbye, Monsisur Benny . JACK: Goodbye . (APPLAUSE) (SOLND : FOOTSTEPS START AND CONTINIIE) JACK: eagMary, I can't understand why he hates to give me violin lessons . ATXO1 0 1 8 3 626 12_ hL1R3: I can't understand it eitY_er . You play beautifully . _ think you're as good a violinist as Fritz Krisler or Isaac Stern . .. JACK: We-i I~a.ry, that was aweet . . .What made you say that? MARY: I don't !mow, wearing this belt has made me a little punch-drun's . JACK: Look, Mary . MARY : (MOOLEY) Du hh, a flock of 'em flew over dat time . JACK: Oh stop . . .Now come j Mary, let's keep walic ng . BB RT ;K 0 7 0 1 S362 7 (SaoFT _ :TRO) JACh : DA DA DA DE DE DA DUN: DUM . . HAPPY 1tSTER . i QUART : H~yA~PuPY, ~EASTER . NIAAi : X1~EOOR 30 CUTE IN TEAT OLD WHITE SUIT, HAPPY EASTER . QUART : HAPPY E0.STER . MY, OH ME, TIERE ' S FO MUC`t TO SEE AS YOU STROLL TFLw AVENUE JAOK : AND YOU GEEET ALL THE FRIENCS YOU MG;T DON: HA??Y EASTER TO YOU . JACK : *de11, Don . .Don Wilson : DON : Hello, Jack . . Hello, Mary . . MARY : Hello, Don . .Are you walking in the Parade, too? DON : No ;.t ~fI n 'on my wa 3~ home just. I was on a q ;aiz program . JACK : A quiz program? DON : Yes, and I almost won the jack-not . .I answered every question co,^rectly but the 1as : one . JACK: No kiddi:7g . MARY: What did they ask you, Don? DON : ide11, -. he first question was, "47hat does L S M P T stand for?" And naturally I said L S M F T stands for Lucky Strike Means Fine ?coacco . JACK : 4{a"'Naturally. DON : Then they asked me, '41hyr are Luck,y Strike Cigarettes so popular? . .A7d i told thecn it was because people get the one thing they want mos*t in a cigarette ., better taste . . aad Luckies taste better ., cleaner, fresher, smootPier . JACK : Well, that was certainly the correct answer . I MARY : Don, what was the question that you missed? 3S (i1 :+SC?4 O'18362N DON : Well, it was pretty tough . . they asked me who was the Secretary of State under President Rutheford B . Ha.yes . MARY : What did you say? I DON : I said, "Nething, no nothing beats better taste ." JACK : Don . . Wait a minute . . they asked you who was the Secretar,y of State under president Rutheford B . Aayes, and you said, i "Nothing, no nothing beats better taste? . . . . Why did you say that? I DON : I didn't know the answer so I tock a wild guess . JACK : Well Don, I'm surprised at you . .a college man ., not knowing who the Secretary of State under Rutherford B . Hayes was . DON : Well, Jack, do you lmow? JACK: Certain ly . .It was William id . Dvarts . Any schoolboy would know that . 1U FY : =.specially if he went to school with Rutherford B . Hayes . JACK: Quiet, Champ . . . . Well, so iong, Don . . it was nice runnin> '_nto you . -3:ON s---Jacc,-it-wa~ice_ .running-into .-you _-too . _-especially- this-\ time . JACK\•What do you mean, this time? . DON : We11;,T2ck, _ don ' t want you to think I ' m sensitive, but t:is is thefirst time in montcs that I've seen you and you .~ I haven't made some cownent about my being fat or over-weie .*.t . ~ JACK: Gee Don, if you feeI-that way, I ' 11 stop joking about your \. size . DON : Thank you . ' . I MARY : Say Don, would you like to walk down Witahire Boulevard with I . us? I ...... i Fil"J{ 01 0 183E+ 2 9 -15- -DOPi :----I ' d Io+fe to; Mary; JACK : Oh,--yes--f - .-a.i£-L-you~stomaoh rpon,-kzere_comes-w-bns--r . . See you later . . Come on, Mary . (SPiORT INTRO) I JACK: i EPER SAW SUCH A LOVELY DAY . . HAPPY EASTER . . MARY : HAPPY EASTER . JACK: DA DA DA DE D8 DUM DUM DUM .,RITA ?UtYiIORTH . MARY : HAPPY EASTER . QUART : MY OH MC, THERE :S SO MUCH TO SEE AS YOU STROLL Ti'T APE~qOE A~ID YOU CREJT ALL THE FRI'"PIDS YOU MEEP JACK & MARY : ?+APPY EASTER TO YOII . (50LTID : FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Oosh, there are a lot of people out tcday,.~'Yt seems like-- MEL : Duh . .He11c, Mr . Benny . .Happ3 =aster . JAC'd : Huh? Oh, `.appy Easter . .N+_ster . . . . Mister . . . 1 ~EL : Don ' t you remember me . . Pm the clerk that waited on you _n the bakery shop . JACi{ : ,~?n the bakery shop? I GEL : Yeah . .dont t you remember . .You came in and I sold you a chocolate cake . .some douChnuts . .some pastry and a hal_` docen cimeron rclls . JACIC : Oh, yes . .Say Mary, this is the t'ello w I told you about . .Ee cen I t pronounce Cinnamon . MEL : I can, too . . JACK: al7l right, letis hear you say Cinnemon . MEL : Cimeron . JACK : You 5ee, Mary . ES Ri-}i01 01 9 3 630 -16- MAP,Y : Look, Mister, itfs such a simple word . .you just pronounce it like it's spelled . .C I-:P-N-A-M-O-N . MEL : C-I-N-N-A-M-C-N? MARY : Yes . .Cineron . I4EL : Oh, thanks, Lady, itW',!Ty when you spe11 it first . JACK: Yes, yes, itFs easy .,ij.Come on, Mary . (SHORT INTRO) QUART : NEV&R SAW SUCH A LOVELY DAY . .NAPPY FASTER . 2^1IRY: HAPPY H.,ASTER . . QUART : ITIS SUCH FUN JUST TO NOD APID SAY„HAPPY FASTER . JACK: HAPPY :PSRER . 1NARY : MY OH NE, THE'RE'S SO MUCH TO SEL AS YpU STROS THE AVE^FUTL JACK : ANC YOU GRE.ET ALL THr FRIENDS YOU NEET ARTIE : HAPPY EASTBR TC YCU JACK : Well . .Mr . Kitzel : (APPLAUSE) ~ JACg ; ;) It's nLce rwming into you today . A3TIE : T_hank you, Mr . Henny . .and how are you, Miss Livingstone? tdARY : IPm fine, thank yoc . JACK : Mr . Kitzel, you certainly look nice in those striped pants, cut-away coat and top hat . .IC's ?ust right for Eascer . ARTL' : Thank you, but I a:n alSO wearing it for sentimental reasons . This is the suit in what i got married . JACK : 4 Yo u wore it when you got mar^ied? ,rT'nat must have been about twenty yea.rs ago . 3RTI-E : Yes, it's fcnny how a little th'ing L1Xe that sticks with you . JACK : Yes yes . SS 19 1>{ 0 1 0 183631 -17- ARTIE : But Mr . Benny, IP11 never forget the~ ceremony . When they said, "If anyone has any objections to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace ." JACK: Yes? ARTIE : A voice from the back hollered, "Don't marry her" . JACK: Oh my goodness, ttho was it? ARTIE : Me, I'm a ventriloquist . JACK : Mr. Kitzel, you're joking . ARTIE : Unfortunately . JACK: Oh . . .We11, LIr . Kitzel, it was a pleasure running into you on Easter . .but we've got to be moving along . ARTIF. : Pve gotta run along, too . . .IPm going to see a wonderful picture . JACK: What is it? ARTIE : Rita Hayworth in "Salomi" . JACK: Rita Eayworth in -- ARTIE : Mr . Benny, whatilaap ~7to your glasses? JACK : Mary, where+d he go, where'd he go? I bYARY: He ' .~s~tanding right herel E'~ ~}' .,,~~ ~. .,..,Lr yJ . JACK: Oh .,\We1i, goodbye, Mr . ii*,.ze1 . .Rappy Easter . ' ABT1E : The same to you, Mr . Benny . And you, too, Miss Livings'-one . P7ARY : Thank you, Mr . Kitzel . (APPLAUSE) (SODND : PEW FOOTSTEPS) JACK : You know, Mary . .it's a :ways nice running into P4r . Kitzel . He seems so cheerful and -- Hey look, Mary, there's a phatogrLpher taking pictures of couples on the street . MARY: Oh yes . JACK : I'm gonna have him take our oicture . ES F3 T ;{ 0 '1 Ll'163E+3<.' MARY : Oh no, Je.ck. .Pm not going to have a picture taken with you wearing t"nat suit . JACK : All right . .I'11 have one taken by myself . . . . Oh, Mister . . . N6LSON ;, ~YESSSSS$ . _ JACK: 4 I'xd; l~ikec-to have my picture taken . NELSON : Well, good . .just stand over there, Admiral . JACK : I'm not Admiral 8yxd . . .Now how would you like me to pose? NELSON : Well, first I'd better line you up . .~~,-,}nst-:a1ac®~jour nose-on- :.his-.:tring ®53^teig%-~Rx6C-POr?- -PaI SON :-I u--~d-~,-TSke-photo-P+stlshes~t-Saitt&~ 71SIta: WACK----Ifiro-r iI;LSOV : There, that does it . .Now would you mind rolling ycur trousers up above the Imee . JACK: Why, do you want to see my legs in the picture? N6LSON : No, but the less I get of that suit the better . JACK : Ncw wait e minute, I've had enough insuLts from you . NELSON : Eold sti11 . .I've got you in focns . . .Now open your mouth and smile . JACK : Like this? NEi.SOIP : Wider ...... Wider ...... Wider . . . . . JACK: Why do you want my mouth open so wide? NELSON : The less I get of that face the better, too . JACK : Now cut that out . . .If you're a ohotographer, I'm a monkey's uncle . NEISO.I* : Have a peanut . JACK : Come on, Mary, I'll get my picture taken some other time . (SOUPID : FOOTSTE?S .) ES raT?< 01 0 1E363 3 -19- JACK: How a guy like that ever expects people to-- VEL : (DOES WOLF WHIS'TLi:) MARY : Jack, roll down your pants teg . JACK : Gh oh .,oh pF£, .Well, come on, Mary, we'll walk as far as La Brea . (SOLTID : FOOTSTEPS) (SFIDRT INTRO) MARY : IvEVER SAW SUCH A 7AVELY DAY . .?3APPY EAFiTII?, QUART : (WHISTLES "HAPPY EASTER") MARY : IT'S SUCH FUN JUST TO NOD APID SAY . .HAP°Y EASTER . QUART : (WHISTLE "HAPPY EASTER" AND CONT IN UE TO WHISTLE RELEASE) JACK : APID YOU GREET ALL THE FRLv'IdDS YOU MEET - DENNIS : HAPPY EASTER TO YOU . MAHY : DENNIS! JACK : Keep walking, Mary : ,p~-9J~ack, it's Easter . ..be MARY nice to him . JACK: ~"'11 right . .He11o, Dennis . DENNIS : Hello, Mr . Benny . I JACK : Dennis . .blarj and I are walking down as far as La Brea ., would you like to join us? DENNIS : Sure, I'm not stuck up . -SACK :-(PLZADISSG )-_Mary. . . . _ MARY:---I- :c.ow,_but ..be_nice--to-him,-anyway . ------JACK:-~ I'll try . . . dell, Dennis . .,are you having a nice Easter?DENNIS : Yeah': .my gir7. gave me a basket with two chocolate rabbits in it . JACK : ^wo chocolate rabbits.- .well : I DENNIS : Pretty scon-P 11 have hundreds of .'em, won't I? JACK : Mary, you talk to him . I'm still a little sick `rom that photographer . 19 TMO3 Q 1 e 36 3 4 -20- MAHY : ELAUGHLYGLY)--t7kay . . . Say, Dennis, you're really dressed up today . . Is that a new suit? DENNIS : Yeah . I won it on a quiz program . JACK: On a quiz progremP DENNIS : Uh huh . . I answered all the questions correctly . JACK: You . ., you Imew the answers to all the euestions? DENNIS : Uh huh . MAAY : What did they ask you3 p^^^^^-_~ DE:IIVIS : Well, first they asked me what my name was and I told them Dennis Day . JACK : Gosh, you remembered! DENNIS : Uh huh .nC T~hen they asked me what holid .ay we celebrate on March 17th . . .and quick as a flash, I said "St . Patrick's 7ay" . JACK: W~e11,a you're a whiz . DE*_7iy-IS : ,,, Then they asked me who was the Secretary of State under President Rutheford B . Iiayes . JACK : Uh huh. DE\VNIS : ?s.d I told them William M . Evarts . JACK : Dennis . . that t s righ-, . . that f s wonderful . . How did you know? DENNIS : I didn ' t know, I took a wild guess . JACK : Dennis . . you took a wild guess . . and got=it rigkitr? DENNIS : It worked when they asked me nj n2me wheP d'xd- -F-aave-to1aae? MARY : Jack, we t re com3ng to the La Brea Tar Pits . .You grab his left arm and I ' ll grab-- , ~ ,~- r-, „ t~ w JACK : Be n'_ce to him, Mary . .r(Thatfs what you told me to do . . . Say, Dennis, instead of talking and annoying everybody . . why dontt you sing something? 35 Pl 1- 3{ 0 7 QtN3635 -21- "-AA~ - DENNI3 : Gee, do you thi.^.k it would be all rig}rtA .on the street? JACK : Sure . .everybody feels good today . . It's Easter . . I DENNIS : Okay . (DEIQCtIS '3 SOPIG . . . "EASTER PAFaDE") (APPLAUSE AND PLAYCF`F) ES Hr 801 0183636 CLOS MG COARF£RCU+L -22- WILSON : Jack will be back in just a moment, but first . . . nothing I no, ^othing -- beats better taste! And remember . . . COLLINS : Luckies taste betterl CEORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CBCRVS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco! COLLLVS : Luckies taste betteri CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! WII,SCN : Friends, the taste of your cigarette is a11-important . For in a cigarette, nothin g ng -- no, nothi beats better taste! And i Luckiestaste beter . . . oieaner, fresher end smoother . Yo'1 see, Luckies better teste really begins with fine tobacco . Yes . . LSfNFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, long strands of Light, mild, gocd-tasting tobacco with a wonderful aroma . Then too, Luckies taste better becauae they're tmade better . Made to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother-testing smoke . So, fr'iends, remen:'oer how important better taste is to vee° enjoyment of a ciga,^ette . Remember that Luck; Strike zives you the better taste of Pine tobacco, in a better made cigarette . But most of all, remember to pick up a carton of Luckies tomorrow . Yes, Be Happy -- Go Lucky! ORCH: (SHORT VAMp) SPORTS- MEN : Be Happy -- Go Lucky Get Better Taste Toda y ! FS FITMC)Y C17t33h3? TAG -23- (S0UND : STAEET NOISES . . . FOOTSTEPS) MARY : Jack, for heaven's sake, we,ve been standing here for fifteen minutes . . Let's go on home . JACK: Well-- M0.AY : Well, I'm going anyway because Itve gotto, get home . JACK : Okay . . Goodbye, Mary Happy Easter, 1 MAffi' : Happy Easter, Jack . 3ee you tomorroa . I (SOUPID : DEPARTING FOCTSTRPS) I 4FA?'xs'-~z"e~wr~ . (00UND : 10 F00^_STEPS) JENM_' : How many tickets, please? JACK : Just one, down front . . . (SOJND : TICKER ,7ACHIVE GIPii'G TICIfcT) JACK : Thankqy -J~ (SOIIIVD : FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Gee, it's dark in here . . I'll find a seat,,, Excuse me . . . . . Excuse me . . . . Pardon me . . . . . Pardon me . . . . . Excuse me, ., ooops . . I'm sorry . .4RTir. : Ee11o, Mr . 3enny . JACK : Mr . Kitzel!`fti=yr-i--~-~~,,y....~~ ~ ~ . (A'PIrlUSE I i+NSIC) ( ` DON : The Jack Benny Show --onigai was writtea by Sam Perric, Mi1t Jaeefsberg, George Salzer, John Tackaberry, and produced and transcri'oed by Hillia:^d Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Luclcn Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Senny Program was brought to you by Lacky Strike product of the American Tobacco Compeny . . . America's ES leadin g manufacturer of cigarettes . HT};07 01836 38 PROGRAM #31 R5.'VISED SCRIPT LIICBY STRII{E - T,P1E JACK B'ENNY PROGRAM SUIITAY, APRIL 12, 1953 CBS 4 :00 - k :30 PM PST (TRANSCRIBED APR1Z 8, 1953) ee R7- ;K 01 07U3639 ]3 ciNNYciN PROGRAM -A- NPRIL NY12, 1953 (`PRANSeZZB&D APRIL 3, 1953) OPENING CObIDLRCIAL WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PRCG3B.P1 . . . . .TRANSCRIBG'D AND PR13SL.II`"~'.D u_ LUCKY STRIREI You know . . .for real smoking enjcyment, nothin~-no, nothin! ; beats better taste! And . .. . COLLINB : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, sttoother : For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLLVS : Luckies taste bettar! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! WILSON : 44'd.s is Don 6iilson . Fniends . . .r.a doubt about it . . . . ycur enloVment of a cigareste depends on its taste . For nothing -- no, nothing -- beats better taste . And Lucki=s taste bettcr-- cleaner-fresfler-smoother . Yeu see, Luckies' better taste starts right off with the fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco that goes into Luclci.es . And tnen, Lcckies are made bette "2 , to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother-tasting smoKe . Yes sir, I only fine tobacco in a better made cigare( ;te can give you :11 1 the deej]-dOwn smOkin(," 6n,J c yment you Want .So why not sWi -, .', .1 to Lucky Strike . Yes, Be Happy -- Co :~ucky! You'll find -- COLLI NS : Luckies taste bstter! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, sm .:cther! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! 38 fll .'+{C?7 01N8Ei•40 (FIRST ROUTIPIE) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BEPINY . .WIT.H MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHIS^1ER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AEID "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPIAUSE . .bNSIC UP AND DOWN) DSN : AND NOW, LET'S GO OUT TO JACK BENNY'S HOUSE IN BEVERLY HILLS . IT'S SUCH A L04ELY MORNING THAT OUTSILG ON T_SE FRONT LAWN WE HEAR TI-y SPIASHING 0F BIRDS IN TI-E BIRD-BATSi . (SOUND : SPLASHES AND BIRDS CiffRPING) DON : WI$E UPSTAIRS WE H6AR TPE SOUND OF THE SfIDWER . I (SOUND : WATER COMING FROM A SHOWER) ROCH:. (SINGS) OH, n' H4T A BEAUTLUL MORNING OH, WFAT A E1SP.UTI3 UL ^AY . , I' VE GOT A WONDERFUL FEELING THAT 3VLRYTHItiG'S GOING MY WAY, (SOLND : SHOWER OFF) JACK : Rochester, I'm through showering, you can stop singing now . ROCH : OKAY . (50UPID : SHOWER DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JACK : Say, Rochester, I don't lmow where you're buyirrg so&p lately, but that new bar I just used didn't lather at all . ROCH : I DIDN'T KNOId YOU TOOK A PIEW BAR OF SOAP . DID YOU GET IT OUT OF TIE SERVICE CLOSET? JACK: No, I found it =n the kitchen . ROCH : IN TEE DRAW E R? H rx 01 01 e 3641 JACF : No, In a dish near the drainboard . ROCH : WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, HCSS . JACK : Why? ZOCH : YOU HAVE JUST SHOWERED WITH A PF,r.LED POTATO! JAOK :~ Peeled ---iImDF. . .Imagine showering wit,h a neeled potato . i ROCH : YOU NOW HAVE THE SKIN THAT LAMB CHOPS LOVE TC TOUCH . JACK : Never mind that . .Here, take this towel and dry my back, wi7.1 you? P,OCH : Yes sir . (SOUND : PATTING W2TH TOWEL) JACK : Ahh, that feels good . _ ROCH : BOSS, YOU SURE HAVE WELL-IMILP'.:.OPHD SHOLZ DIfcS . JACK : U, ^=hank you, Rochester . RCCH : YES SIR . . .DID YOU EVER LY7 ANY r'IGHTING? JACK : U- Yes ;,•~long time ago . . .As a matter of fact, I won twenty-two fights . I was lmown as the k'aukegan Wildcat . ROCH : WAL'KEGA ;V ls'TLDCAT? JACK : Yes . RCCH : WHP DID 1'OU QUIT? JACK : They made us put on gloves and I csuldn't scratch any more . . So I got a maaicure and retired . . . . . Now Rochestar, w'nile I get drossed, how about fixing me some brea :tfast? RCCF : Y2 S SIR . (SDUND : PFW F (`CTS't'EPS . . . . DOOR 0?L'iIS PSID CLaSES . . . rCJ OTS =~ PS) BH Ni'}401 0183642 -3- ROCH : (SINGS) OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNIPIG, OH, WHAT A £EAUTIFfJL DAY, I'VE GOT A WONDERF[TL -- ~IR'A~f--FIMMr.-a'd4AGISIE-ANIt1I~'SIi0WEn7NG-WETH-A-?E~E~D-POTA i 0 .- ~'HEE ~-BELiN'F' 8-WRITERS~OULD-CA PTUFE-HES- .StLP.LCHAPACTER~ Ni°-PROGRAtK-WOULIr3~-FrHfARIOfIS'.-- MEL : ('IWO SQUAWIC AND A WHISTLE) ROCH: GOOD MORNING, POLLY . NEL : (SINGS) OF, WHAT A SR1tUTI&YIL MORNING, OH, WHAT A HEAUTIFUL DAY (SQUAWK) I' JE GOT A WONDERFR7L b"L .~FLING, TI11T SOMETHING Ie COMING ?9Y WAY . .(SQUAWK . .SQUAWK) (SOiTID : PLOP) ROCH : SHE ?I1D A rEELING ALL RIGHT, SAE LAID AN EGG! . . .GOCD GI .RL, POLLY . (SOL.V'J : DOOR BUZZER) u _. RCCH : COMING . f....- (SOUND : HOOTSTEPS) I ROCH: (SINGS) OH, WHAT A fl1s.UTIFOL MORNING . .Il4 -,A DA 1:A DA DA . . Is; Rq M--- (SO )ND : DOOR OPENS) P49RY : Hello, Rochester . ROCII : OH, GOOD MORNING, bffSS 'LIVINGSTOIG;, COME RIGIB' IN . (SOUBN : DOOR CLOSES) HTXO9 01 83E43 -u- IMRY : You mnst be in a good mood . I heard you singing as you were coming to the door . ROCH : OH, I ALWAYS SING :vPsN IT'S GETTING CLOSE TO MY PAY R?Y . MA3Y : Really . . :nhen is your payday? P,OGH : SEPTEMHER FIRST . I+uSRY : September First : 3ut this is only April . 4Riy do you sing so long te£ore payday? ROCH : THERE AIN'T MUCH TO SING ABOUT AFTER . MARY : I know what you mean . (SOUND : DJOR OPENS) JACK : (OFF) Oh good morning, Mary . MARY : Hello, Jack . You Ia!ow, it's so early I thought you'd still be +;xd . JACK : (dloo'me? Are you kidding . I've already taken my shcwer . Rochester, how about breakfast? ROCH : COMING UP . JACK : Mary, would you care for scmething to eat? MARY : No thaaks, I'm not htingry . Ny vvx JACiC : You know,.,,you Sook Ic.nda cute this morning . Ycu really do . . How about a kiss? SB RTXUi 0 1 836 44 -5- POARY : Okay . fsourrD- ictss}- L1ARY : Amm . .that's funny . ::i+CK: What? I just said I wasn't hungry, and now I've got a craving for potatoes : (SLIGMLY OPF'). ~ROCH WEIS„ WE'VE GOT THE CLEANEST 0_IES IN TO'n'P! . MARY : What? I JACK : Nothing, nothing. .RochesteT, just make m,y b :°eakfast . bARY : Wait a minute, Jack . .What is Rochester talking about? ! JACK : All right, I'll tell you . This morning when I was taking I a shower, I thought I picked up a cake of soep but it turned out to be a peeled potato . It could happen to anybody . '~7ARY----FSAR59&PIO-~-Bh-sure-SQ` ,7nIe-~, v ey ning you do~d~ I happen to anybody. Like the time you.were walking down"the I st-reet~ without your glasses . .you stopped, put a penng in a parking-meter and then comnlained because ncgum eame out . JACK : Well, I -- - , NARY : And what about the time you darned your sock and found out y oc sewed up the openi, g .i JACK : Mary : And that-- ID1ARY t Lne you sooke at the Ltomer.s Club . You were the only man ther= . .and still when you left\you put on the wrong hat . . JAC{ : Look -- prtARY : And this morr.ing you took a shower with a peeled potato . JACK : I still say it could haunen to anvbodY! , fi '1}{ 0 1 0183645 -6- MARY : That couldn't happen to Gracie A1len! JACK : All right, all right . . .so I showered with a ootato! . .WPat do . you want me to do~ MARY : Kiss me, I'm hungry . JACK : Never mind . Rochester, is breakfast ready? I ROOH: I JUST PUT 'PfIE COF'PEB ON . WFAT ELSE WOULD YOU LM? JACK: We11. . .I'd like a little bacon . .and . .er . .er . .one fried e-g-g . ROCH: YES SIR . A LITTL^n BACON AND ONE FRIED E-G-C . MARY : Jack, what's the idea of the spelling? Why don't you just I say you want a,little bacon and one fried-- JACK : Uh-uh-uh- . . .don't say it, Mary, don't say it . We always 1 spell it . You lmow, Polly lays an e-g-g every day and she'd go'crazy if she ever found out we're eeting them . MARY : Oh . MEL : (S(VAWKS) E-g-g . .E-g-g. . .(SG;UAWKS AND ",JHIS''i'r2S) I JACK : Isn't that cute? NPcL : (S@UAWK) E-g-g . . .E-g-g . . .E-g. .(FAS'P) E-g-g! . . .Egg! (S@liA'Wi{S RY3TERICALLY) JACK : PolSy . . .Po:ly, calm down . Rochester, no eg,,s . Fix me I scne pencakes . RTM 01 01836 4 6 -7- ROCfI: (SLIGRRZY OFF) YES, SIR . I (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) JACK: Now, who can that be? MARY: B'LJ'll get it . (SOIIIPD : FOOTSTEPS) MARY : (RUMS TRE IwELODY OF "OR WBAT A BEAIITIF[IL MORPtIAY',°) DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA . .DA DA DA DA DA D.9 DUM . .DA DA DA-- (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) . MARY : Oh, hello, Dennis . DENNIS : (MAD) Hello, Mary, is Mr . Benny in? MARY: Yes, he's having breakfast . DENNIS : Well, I'm sure glad he's here because I've got plenty to tell him . MARY: Dennis, what's the matter? DENN?S : Fourteen years this has been go'ng on and I've had all I can ta ;ce . . .I've stood enough, believe me . Lt-- MARY : Lennis . .Dennis,4whe.t is it4 DENNIS : I wouldn't mind if it was only once or twice, but every week, the same tning . .week in and week out . . .After all, what does he take me for? I'm fed up, r_ tell you, fed up . MARY : Well, Dennis, I don't know what's on your mind, but obviously you should talk to Mr . Pe nny . DENNIS : I'1'_ say I ' m going to talk to h7n . . .I'm gonra tell him off . MARY : Come on . .he's in the breakfast room . (SCL ND : ROOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS) RT7S 0 7 0 1 8 364r' JACK : Oh, hello, Dennis . DENNIS : (VEP,Y SiICD) Hello, Mr . Senny . Gee, you're looking well today . JACK: Thanks, kid . What did you come over for? DENPiIS : Oh, I just happened to be in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop in . ...:J-l. JACK : Well„ i I'rs glad you did . J+ARY: (WHISPERS) Dennis, what are you waiting for? Why don't you tell him off? DENPTIS : What are you trying to do, start scmetning? , JACK: Yes, Mary, what's the matter with yo 1 ~e.oJ~ bARY: What's the matter with me? ,7 You've heen mistreating Dennis and taking advantage of him for fourteen years . J?.Cii: Wha t? MARY : And he's had enough o£ it . .After a11,, wbet do you take him for? JACK: Mary, what are you trying to do, make trouble or something? DENNIS : That's t.elling her, Mr . Benny . -NARY:--',Jhat?- 73EPTiVIB r--You-danes . are-all-alike _ MARY: Now wait a minute . .Look, Dennis, I'm gonnaa straighten this "_. out rig~i t now . Didn't you come to the docr and tell me that you were ;md at Mr . Henny? DENNIS : IIh huh . MARY : And d-_dr,'t you tell me that you were fed up with the way he was treating you? LIFNNIS : Uh huh . NTX O 1 078364 8 MARY : And didn ' t you say you were gonna tell him plenty? DENNIS : Uh huh. MRY: Then why is it when you walked up to Mr . Benny, you were so nice to hin? DENNIS : When I saw his long fingernails, I lost my ne~ve . ~I{: n?nnis,--whenever-You-have-az~comP=aintsrto~saze.-.menticn-„ 'them to me personally . , DENNIS : Well, I vas,going to, but how did I know you-Weren't gonra answer the doov- ., % JACK : Well, for heaven's sal;~ sr-tihen you saw it was Mary, why did you say it to,her? DEN^IIS : When you've rehearsed something as long'as,I have, it's tard ; to change . JAC'd : What? / -DFNN 3 . _ cue was-x-aoo•r'agenxng: JACK : iTel3~-a1 Lright~-Dennisr~+-1-1.-g4ve-you-another--cue,; r I wanta hear the song you're going to do on the nrograru, so-^u9 -Roohester,-why-a:e-~ou_putting-butterroa-6ottr-s=_des-of-the~ bread ? ROCH:- -M-,5L4iC;S-TT-_9gIERTOFLIP-OUT -UF1T.E-'"Ofl3'P3R . SACK:_-_ Dh . .oh . . ^uoaheadand-sing,-kid .-- DENNZS : Yes sir . (APP7 A USE ) (DENNIS'S SOftG - SIIDDEIVLY) (A?PIAU3E ) f9 f}{ 0 9 0 '1 83649 -10- (SECOPID RCUTITP) JACK : That was very good, Dennis . . .it will be fine on the program . . . Say, Rochester, is my toast ~ready~ye~t? ROCE : NOT YET, BOSS, i"sT]NIS : Say, ~L . Benny, what's this I hear about your going up to San rrancisco for three weeks? JACK : H".iat's right, Dennis . Next Sunday, I do my television show . And my guest star is Fred Allen . Immediately after my T .V . show 1 fly to San Francisco and open at the Curran Theatre on April 20th and I'll be there fo^ three weeks . MARY : Jack, who are you gonna have an yoer~,shcw JACK : Well, Mary, I'm going to have tne Wi1 :L Mastin Trio featuring Satmy Davis, J jntor . . .Gisele bSacK.:nzis, aes3 an all star cast including ;'rarilc Remley . MARY : Frank Remley? What's he going to do? 1 JACK : Nothing, b;:t the stage would look so empty without him I lying there . . .It's going to be a g^eat show and -- (SOUND : EOIINNNG . . .SLIDD h'HISTLF) JACK : Rochester, what was that? ROCH : TH$ TOAST, IT FLEW OUT Tr-PC WINDOW . JACiC : Ch my gocdness . .-esid-i;.-was-huttared- -on-beth-sides- ( SoiND: -- SCIIFRLING-0# -CH9IR . -. .RUNFiING - FOOTSTSPS )--- _vARY : .-_ . Jack :--_ JACK : --(J.+F)--Huh?- MARY ~- -Come-'oackrand-sitdown .- JACK+ ('0FF) -+ary, I•m-not'going'after it--toea*, }t . . .Tl'at piece of toast has-a-lot-of-bubter-on-it,-and--lt landed on the lawn, it'll attract ants . I'll be right back . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS & CLOSES . .TWO STEPS DOWN TF_.' PORCH . . .STEPS ALONG CEMENT wA;3 . .STOP) BB Ri?5 0 7 0783 6 5 0 JACK: No'a lec's see . .it flew out through that window so it should be right on the lawn . . .I don't see it . . .Rmm . .ma7be it flew cut into the street . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK : That's funny, I don't see it around here either . . .Hmmy thero's the Colmao's garbage can and it hasnTt got a lid on it . . .I wonder if the toast could have gone in there . . . Gee, I've gotta find it or we'll be loaded with ants . (SOUND: bBNEMENP OF GAF9AGE CAN ON PAUEMEIVT) JACK: Hnsn . .there are several pieces of toast in here . (SOUND: SffiiFF? OF CONTENTS OF GAI'iBAGE CAN . . FEW FO(iPSTEPS FADING IN . . .STOP . . . ShUFFLE OF CONTENTS AGAIN) B OB : Jack: JACK: Huh? . .Oh, hello, Bob . . .I was just looking for a piece of I toast . B(B : Jack, why didn't you tell me things were that rough . I'd work for ncthing . JACK : Bob, you don't understand . I BCB : Jack, you can be honest with me . Come on, I'11 take you down to the market and buy you enough food to last for two months . JACK : Boh, I'm trying to ze11 You that -- n'hat'd you say? . . . Huh? B OB : I said I'll take you down to the market and buy you enough food for two months . MARY : (OFF) JACK, CONE ON IN, YOURBREAKFAST IS READY . JACK : You eat it, Bob and I are going shopping . RTX 0 1 0743 6 57 -12- SOB : Ptow wait a minute . .you mean you have food in the house and yet you wore going to iet me buy some for you? JACK : Bob, I was just going to teach you a lesson for being so si11y . Now come on in the house, Bob- . G,... APa .1'~ (SOU&II :-F1C0455FEPS]- . B :'Yan-Xnow~'8CkT-gotue^=Rin~n _havp ~ hP~yty{`uyyy~ .,____~ JA_CK : ha*ik` , Bob . BOB : However, S'do think the outside ne eds a-coat of paint . JACK : Oh, it's going to painted~£hs~ su :mner . And Bob, I hcpe you're ciul-cft,En you do`the wirrlov sills . BOB : w'hssYl do the -- Well, at last I found ouz wka.t trat ~ Japanese print says in my contract . ~--` J~ ACK:-`T'- thyught -Tou-imew . (SOVi1D : FOOTS'3TPS UP PORCH . . .DJCR OPENS & CIqSBS . . .F00TSTEPS) ROCH : Nr:;,.LC, NIR . CROSBY . BOB : Hello, Rochester . .H'ya, Mary . NN BE HTXW J 0 1 8 36 5 2 -i3- MAR1 : He-ilo, Bob . DENHIS : 4 ' ya, Bob . q B® : 'keYio ; Dennis . JACK : Sit down, kids . .Mary, pour evexybody some coffee . M-9FL.": Okay . DE[ISIIS : Make mine black . JACK : glack? Dennis, I thought you always took cream . Why do you want it black? f DEYNIS : I'in.in mourning, rtp uncle died . - JACK: Wbat?q Dennis, you're kidding .' : No, I'm not . He counitted suicide .. DEN'NIS tM= : Suicide? DIIVIV!S : Yeah . JACK: Did he shoot himself? DENNIS : No . BCB : Did he hang himself? DEIDNZS : No : Did he. M°,a"Y take poison? ILNNIS : No . JACK : Well, for heavens sskes, how did he do it? DE bottle u P NDiI9 : He bought a of St ggette and oofed himse lf c.c deebh . JACK : What? DIIQIDSS : Joke's over, ness the, c .ream . ha t. _ JACK : Hmn . .,You know, Bob„ Q think it's only fair t lc at I warn you . BCB : Warn me about what? RTY{07 01 93 6 53 JACK : Before Phil Harris met Dennis, he didn't drink a drop . . . Everything happened after he -- (SOUND : RACK D70R BUZ7.ER) JACY. : There's somecne at the back doo r . Rochester, give everybody coffee, I'11 answer it . (SOUND : BOOTSTEPS . .DJOR OPENS) MEL : (MOOL,iY) Duh, hello, Mr . Benny . JACK : Oh . .the man from the bakery shop . MEL : Yeah . .I got the stuff that you ordered . . .seme doughnuts, some chocolate cake, some pastry, and a ha .1f dozen cimeron rolls : Hmm . . .you still can't nronouncs it, can you? Look, it isn't. JACK cimeron, it's cirnamon . . .Now let me ask you something . Maybe t 1 e will help you pronounce it . How are these rolls made? MEL : Well, you take some floor . .sugar . .eggs . .and, .and . .da you wanta knpw all the ingrediments? SAC?K : No,-aoTt isn't ingrediments . .it's ingredients . . .Yes, I want to know all of them . MEL : Well, there's flo',:r . .sugar . .eggs . .shorter;n&. and cinnamcn . ,'ACK : mhat's it . . .that's it . . .that's it . .Now a~ _ ~ K= y_ur time . . . tlii.nk . . .Okay . .now let me hear you say it . . eCZ : Ingredients . JACK : I don't mean ingredients . I'm trying to get ys :: co say cimeron . ...I I mean, cinnamon . &IE:. : bIl,.y don't you order something else, you drive me nuts . JACS: All right, just give me my stuff . .Thanks . .Goodbye . MEL : Goodbye . (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES . .FOOTSTEPS) B: 8 T?i 0 1 0183654 =5- MARY : Jack, who was that? JACK : Oh, that silly guy from the baksry . . .the follow who insists upon saying cimeron rolls . . .Well, here you are, kids, you can have some of these with your coffee . .They're nice and fresh and -- Nie1RY : Wait a minute, Jack . .he's right . JACA : blhat do you mean, :2's right? MARY : Look at the label on this paper box . . ."These are gcnuine Cimeron Rolls ramed after J . P . Cimeron, founder of the Cimeron Baking Company ." JACK : What? B1ARY : "These Cimeron Rol1s should not be confused with ordinary cinnamon rolls which are made from entirely different ingrediments ." JACK: Hmm . BnB : Well Jack, I S :ess that'l1 hold you . JACK : Hold me, r-othing . . .That silly guy had that label printed himself just because he can't say cinnz.mon . . .Hc must be crazy . ROCH : YCLL, BOSS, "HERE'S ONE WP_Y OF FINDING OUT . JACK : How? ROCH : ASK H DI IF qI SF:OWE",S 'WITH A pEFliED POTATO . JACK : Now,Jlet's cut out all of this nonsense . . .Da yc--, kids want the rolls with your coffee o- not . NARY : I'11 have some . - BOB : Bo will I . JACK : Dennis, how about -- L`e[uIIS„ j what are you stirring ymr coffee with? Fti-}S 0 1 0 1 6 3E,55 -1E- i;NPffiIS : b7y Paper Mate Pen . JACK : Dennis -- DEPINIS : Don't worry, it's leak-praof . JACK : What? ~'.fiTffS : Joke's over, pass Yr.e a spoon . JACK : Will you stop being silly? BOB : Well, I don't lmcw how long Phil stood it, Jackson, but I'm slipping, get the ice . JACK : You'll need more than ice before you get through with -- (50UND : FRONT ZXAR BUZZER) JACK : There's the front door . ROCH : YOU WANT L+lE TO GET IT, BOSS? JACK : No no, I'll get it . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) ' JACK : All I did was shower with a peeled potato and the whole day is mixed Up . (SOUND : FEW FCOT6YEPS . .I7JOR OPENS) JACK : Yes? KF4HNS : Now do you do . My name is Martindale . I represent a law firm that specia_izes in settling este.tes and trac'rg leZa1 heirs . JACK ; Legal heirs? h EARNS : Yes . Does Bi^ . Jack ?enny live here? JACK : I'm Jack Denny . K&ARNS : Well, then it's very possible that you're Cne man I'm looking fo^ . May I come i:'.? JACK : Yes yes . (SOIIND : LC70R CLOS@,S) BB flTiK01 Q18 3E56 -17-2c -lo- JACK : Have a seat, Mr . Martindale . : - KEP.RN9 : Mr . Benny, if you are the man we're locking for . . .and-acnt whom you have never seen has left you a legacy of five thousand dollars . ~, JACK : Five thousand dollars! (CALLS) E BY, KILS . . .KILS, CO M,(IN HEHc : (SOUND : RUNNING F+OOTSTEPS) tMRY : What is it, Jack? ~cuN+c'.'"1ea-Cl .,n .+rll~c.{ BOB : What's up? JACK : ~Iou A11 them~, I+m . Martindale. ~ -~A'RNS : Certainly . We have reason to .believe tlaat Mr . Benny's Aunt Matilda, whom he has never met, left him five thousand dollars . BOB : Hey, that's wonderful . JACK : es, where's the moneyT where's the money, where's the money? „"" ...... i,c:nmrn : I've-goc ke-checkright ' t - tNiereiP y iefcss n m or e~,~33rz -Pirst-I- ' 11 have to verify a few facts . Mister, anything JACK : ~j;,Of course, of course . Go ahead, ask me you want . .Good old Aunt Matilda . (SGUND : PHONE RINGS) y JACK : Oh, darn it . . .Excuse me . I have to answer the legac , :- mean the money, I mearn the phone . (SOUND : CCUPLF 'rbOTSTEPS . . .R.CEI'dE.R UP) JACK : Hell^? CON : Hello, Jack, thi s is Don . JACK : Goodbye, Den . . .I mean, call mezJback later, I'm very busy right now . LON :I can't call you later . The Sportsmern quartst is here and i they're leaving town in a few minutes . . .we've got to settle something very y important~ got the. rylre ~Veccmmercial two ways and I don't know which way is better . JACK : 3ut, Don -- AF H Tr`{Cl1 078 3 EE5i one can DON : You're the only whp o~, telp us, and it'11 only take a minute . B-ys,~comej over to the phone . . . . let him hear it the first way . JACK : Don -- ~ 1bN : Now, ~ ack, listen closely . . .Take it, fellows . QUART : &: HAPPY, GO LUCKY, BE HAPPY, GO LUCKY STRIKE BE HAPPY GO LUCKY GET BETTER TASTE TODAY . DOV : (SI.I'GS) Peedle-ee-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo . JACK : Look, Don -- DON : That's the first way . Ncw fellows, give it to him the sec ond way . 7 `~ ~4 dJ,-..,.., 1 l QUART : BE HAPPY, GO LUCKP DE FAPPY, GG LUCNI STRIk, .. BE HAPPY GO LUCKY GET E EI- TER TASTE TCDAY. I%)N : (SINGS) Poodle-ee-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo . . . . 6JCI-b, Jack, whioh way did you 1:Lkz better? JACK : ...... blhi.ch way did I like better? . . . Z on, I didn't hear any differance . DON : You ¢idn't! JACK : No . DON : Well, for heaven sakes, why dcn ' t you pay attention? JACK : Look, Don -- LY7N : Pellows the first way again . BR HTi{U1 O1$3656 QUPRT : BE HAPPY GO LUCKY ~ BE HAPPY, GO LUCI{Y STR IKE, BE HAPPY GO LUCKY GET BETTER TFRI-- TODAY. DON : (SINGS) Peedle-ee-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo . . . . . Ncw that was the first way . JACK : I know, I know : Now, fellows, the. ~tDCN second way . ~A `-- @UART : BE HAPPY GO LUCKY BE HAPPY, GO LUCKY STRI KE BE HAPPY GO Li:CKY GET BENPLR TASTE TODPY . DJN : (SINGS) Poodle-ee-poo-poo-poo-pco-poo . . . . Okay, Jack,whtch way do you like better? JACK: Don, are you crazy? . . .Doth ways were exactly alike . IYJN : (M1D) What do you mean exactly alike F . .I sit up all night worldng this thing out, and .you say there isn't any d9s£erence . JACK : 6lell, tnere isn't . DO N : There's a big difference . In the first one when the boys ficished singing, I went Peedle-ae-poo-pcs-poo-paa-poc . . . JACK : U:I nuh . LY)N : And in the second one I vent Poodl .e-ee-poo-pco-poo-poo-peo . JACK : ron . . .Don . . .Yeu called me to decide between peedle-ee and poodle-ee? TAN : That's right, jack, whicn way do you like it better? JACK: Well -- DON : Fellows, the first way again . Yi Tki[)1 0193 6 59 - a - 11~' .iAC'2 : No no, Don, no . . . I've- already reached a decision . - DON.:- e13, -don`t keepme-i~-suspenserdacls---aTAat-ls-it?- -7ACK-r--~. ould~yo`rrealiy-3-fke-to-1¢tow?- ~ D~ti : .We11,-certainly- ~~.-~ s-[, ? . J':CK : ~All-right,~7onr~='-13-tel~--your It is my considered opinion that nothin,no, not in beats Harry lIon Zell! Goodbyel (SOUND : AELRNER DOWN) JACK : I'm sorry about this interruption, Mr . Martindale . KEAR:VS : Tha.t's quite all right, Mr . Benny . JAOK : Now, I'll answer any questions . . .and then you can give me the five thousand dollars my Aunt Matilda left to me . MARY : Jack -- JACK: Huh? MARY : .iack, come here a minute . JACK : . . . .(ASIDE) What is it-nsra , Mary? [si9RY : (ASIDE) Bob and I rave beer talking it over . If your Aunt Matilda never saw you, why should she leave,al1 that meney,to-ynu?- JACK : Hecause she was my own flesh and 'o'_ood . . . ^hat'e-vt y,. MARY : (ASIL'E) Jack, if she had any of your blood, she wocldn't leave anything to anybody . JACK : (aSIDE) Oh, c,uie : . (UP) Okay, Mr . Martindale, I'll answer those cuestions . K?.1RDiS : Very well . Mr . Benny, were you born 1n Waukegan, Illionis? IdT ;K01 C)'IB3 66 0 -22- JACK : Yes, yes . You see, D9ary? It's me . KEARNS : And at the age of six you started to practice a musical instrument . - JnCK: That's right, that's right . ~ys-^^~ ~ . Y,hRNS : And that instrument was . . . ."1CA: T$e vioLin, vio] .in, violin viQlin . I still play 4t . ..,.., 1~s..w, ;t~_ ....:.-Q..:- -1 zd.&.Qs. -- Y,7:`riRNS : Now, you graduated from'Central Elementary school and went to Waukegan High School . JACK : Tt7a 's right, that's righ, ri ht~Ttight .p~s, '{ I{cBRNS : At the age of seventeen you left Wauke n, beeame an actor and went into . . . . JP.CS : Uaudeville, .I went into vaudeville, vaudeville . vaudeville . KEARNS : Mr . Be y, I'm sure that further questioning is unnecessary . a , I'm f ^_rmly convinced that you're the man we're looking for . JACK: Where'a the money, where's the money2AQ .~ ICARNS : Oh, just a x.,.inute . . .here's cre question I negl cted to ~ check . . .How old are you? JACK: Thirty-nine . Y,EARNS : Thirty-nine? That's strange . .Every other answer seemed to f±t, but the Jack Benny we're looking for uas born in 1894 . That would make him fiftv-nine . hlt-M07 01 63661 -23- JACK: Hm . .But, Mr . Martindale, it must be me . .There was no other Jack Benny born in Waukegan who plays a violin . KEARNS : I'm sorry, but the Jack Benny we're looking for, who gets this five thousand dollars was born in 1894 and is fifty-nine years old . JACK : Hnvun . . . . .We11 . . . . . Fifty-nine'? KEARNS : Yes. JACK : . . . Well . . . B CD : (SIdhliS) This is a tale, well calculated to keep you in Suspense . JACK: Mr. Martinda7.e, I'm sorry, but I'm not the Jack Benny you're looking for. I am only thirty-nine . KEAPLNSc Well, I'm sorry, Mr . Benny . . .i was hoping my search was cver. Good-day . JACK: Goodbye, Mr . Martindale . (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) JACK : (I3tII-5 LOV3 IN BLOOM) DA DA DA DA DA, DA DA, DA DA, DA DA . . . MARY: Jac's . . . JACK : (CON'TINUES :IUMNIING) DA DA DA DA DA . . . . MAA`-' : Jack . . ." ~.~+.. . JACK: What Mary? MARY: I can't believe what I just heard . JACK : What do you mean, you can't believe it? J7AflY : Jack . . .all you had to do was to say you were fifty-nine and you would've gotten the money . JACK : Uh buh . AT ;K 0 1 01E+36 62 PQAfY : But by insisting that you were thirty-nine, you lost five thousand dollars . JACK: That's right . MARY : I can't understand it . Why? JACK: Mary, I may not be a ste ndtkmift, but I know a good- dea3- wb~en,., I see one . N.AF{Y : `lihat7- ~-9 U-- Z . JACK: Where else can you buy twenty years for five thousand dollars? . . . . . Coms on, kids, let's c ave soma coffee and Cimeron Rolls . (APPLAIISE AND P:e1Y0FF) riT`S01 0753663 -25- 4tIL80Di : Ladies and Gentlemen : our forests are among ou^ most vital resources . Last year, tFSoughh carelessness, forest fires destroyed millions of acres of valuable timber . This shameful waste weakens America . . .protect our forests! Don't toss away lighted matches or cigarettes . Make sure every camp fire is completely out . Remember, only '.YOU can prevent forest fires! Thank you . . . (.4PPIAIISII', ) -Yi.~,~OW~ck-ssi21• he-be, ek-tn~tzst-a-anowenL,-bu u-€13'st-~,-~ : . ~yn'1h~,.u~-~~-tlathix~ -k:eats~teL6ex~teste'. ~:i,d--r.~.olsber:-. flTX07 01 6 3E 64 APRIL 2,~1953 (TRANSCRL3ED APRIL 8, 1953) -B- _ CLOSIPiG COMi ERCSAL WILSON : Jack will be back in just aa moment, but first . . .ncthin,g-- no, nothing -- beats better tastel And remember . . . COLLIINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! COLL~VS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! WIISON : Friends, it just stands to reason . The cigarette for you to smoke is the one that a .stes better . Because wher_ all is said and done, nothing -- no, nothinE .< -- beats better taste . And uckies taste better . . . clear.er, fresher and smoother . Here's why -- Luckies' better taste really begins with fine tobacco . Most anyone can tell you - LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco with a wonderful aroma and an even better taste . And Luckies also taste better because they're made better . They're made round and firm and fully packed, to draw freely and snoke evenly . yes, made better to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother-tasting smoke . So enjoy the better taste that only fine tobacco in a better-made cigarette car, give . When you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike! SPORTSNEN Be Happy -- Go Lucky QUARTET : Get Better Taste Today! (LONG CIOSE) Ht}S 0 1 018366 5 k -26- (TAG) JACK: Iadies and gentlemen, that concludes another program and we'l1 be with you next week at the same--- (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) JACK: Excuse me . (SOUDID : RSCEIVER UP) JACK: He1lo . . .Yes, this is Jack Benny . . . . Yes, Fred Allen . is going to be my guest on my television pro~gr~a-m~ next . Sunday, April 19th . . . That's right . . .WAat?ACYes, he'll get paid in cash right after the show . . .You're welcome . (SOUNTi : RECSIVER DCWN) MARY: Jack, who was that? S9CK : The ma,nager of the hotel where Fred's staying . . . Goodnight, folks . (APPLP.USE AND MUSIC) ~ DON : The Jack Benny-Bhoer4~iglaL was written by Sam Perrin, blilt Jose£sberg, George Beizer, John Taokaberry, and produced and transcribed by HiL ard Marks . Ed sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this sane station . Consult your mewspaper for the tLne . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . . America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . A 1r07 0 1 83666 PROGRAM #32 REVISID SCRIPT 'l R., (3a "`~1 . s.1 AMeR1CArr ToB ooG oorv PAirr LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 1953 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST (TR4NSCRIRED APRIL 9, 1953) JM !-i?-XO1 018366? !17^' JACK BENNY PROGRAM APRIL 19, 1953 (T-'PANSCHISED APRIL 9, 1953) OPENING CONIMERCSAL (REVISID) WIISON : TfU,' JACK BENNY PRCGRAM . . . . TRANSCRffSID AND PRESENTED gY LUCKY STR]IiG! (PAUSE) You know, f r iends . . .noti h3 n -- no, nothinp„ -- beats better taste! And remamber . . . . COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother . For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Lucky Strike . WILSON: Have yon smoked a fresh cigarette letely? You have --if you've smoked a Lucky Strike . For Luckies are definitely fresher -- and i_t takes real freshness to bring you real deep-down smoking enjoyment . Light up a Lucky and prove that to yourself! You'll find tnat Luckies taste better -- not only fresher but cleaner an d smoother, too . That's because they're made of fi2e, light, naturall,v mild tobacco . . . .and because they're made better -- every Lu~ is made round anfl firm and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly . . .and every pack of Luckies is extra tightly sealed so that you get that fine tobacco flavor in all its freshness . So Be Happy -- Go Lucky! Get the better taste you want in a cigarette -- and get it fresh! COLLINS : Luckles taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, freeY.er, smoother Lucky Btrike . . . . Lucky Strike Af :'f 0 1 0783 6 68 (FIRST RCNTIPIE) (AFiER COb@MCI\L, NliSIC UP AtZ1J D04Rd) DON: THn IDCKY STR rEE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK PENNY. . .YIITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, R CCFE-iS!sSt, IL;NNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AI'ID "Y6JRS TRULY" DON WIISON. (APPLA4SE . .MJSIC UP AIYD DOWmr) DON : LADIES APID GINTLEM"eN. . .IMNCDIATSIY FOZOb7ING TI~S RADIO PROGRAM JACK WILL DO ANCfPiER OF HIS T .^Ln"'VISION SHOWS OVER THE ENTIRE C .B.S . NETWORS. . . . . AND AFT.ER HIS T.V. SHOW JACK LEAVd^,S FOR SAN FRANCISCO WIT;FE HF'y OY'NS AT THE CURRAN Tf1;ATRE TOMORRGW FOR A THRTZ hr", ..K YNGAG3M6NP . . .AT THE MOMFSSf JACK IS AT HOME TAKING CAR3 CF LAST MIIVIITE D7ETAIIS . JACK : Rochester, I told you when you finished packing my bags, to bring them down here to the den . ROCII : I'M SORRY, BOSS, BUT I WAS ON TIL ; PHON& ALL MORNING MAKING AL THOCALLS FOR YLU . Oh, yes . . .did you cali the television studio and tell them to hold the make-up man for me? ~ ROCH : YES"',S.IR. - JACK : Did you c`sllimy writers and tell ther _I l~ anted a new joke for the opening`sAct? _„ RCCH: YiS, SIR . JACK : Did you call tho-"railroad st-at-Ijon and te'-1 them I wanted an upper be-rt Cinstead of a lower? l ROCH : YES~SIR. 7,9GK rJDid you call the drug store and tell them to send-v er those new vitamin pills? 0 Ti4U1 0 783663 -2- ~eea~ JACK: ~D9.d you call Miss Livingstone a .nd tell her I want her to pick me up in an hour? , ROCH: NO SIR . JACK : Why didn't you phone her? ROCH: I RAN CUT GF DIbPGS . JACK: Ram . . .Rochester, haven't I told you that if you hit the coin box as you dial the last number, sometimes you get the dime back . ROCH: I KNOW, IAIT ICAN'T RF11CH THE COIN BOX. JACK: Can't reach it . .why not? , ROCH: TItE PHCM- IS UPSI17r. DOWN FROM YQi HITTING IT SO M_ICH . JACK: Look, Rochester- ROCH : WE"JI' GOT TfP ONLY FHOM IN H';V"zRLY ffCLSS 6IITH'A CAULIl''UJJR EAR. JACK : Never mind . .anyway, I told Miss Livingstone yesterday that I wanted her to pick me up . .she won't foruet . . . .Now are you sure you've got my bags all pactced for San Francisco? ROCF: UH H(IH . JACK: Good, and I want you to carry my violin carefully so nothing happens to it . ROCII:~ ~YGU'Ru NOT TAKING YQ7R VIOLIN TO SAN FP.ANCISCO, ARR YGi? JACK:(IN/'~,Certainly I am . .why shouldn't I? RCCH : LOOK BOSS . .FORTY-SBUFeN )M 1Ed5 AGO TH'uY HAD AN Ff+hTH(7¢AXG, LET'S Ls`ABB, 's,M A?,Ol~- . ._.. .__--~ . JACK : Neve2'-mind ....,I,want to show the people who come tp_see.-me~ in San_ Francisco..that--T-'m'"Sn6re-~~_ " than-ju5t ~ ~a comedian . . .that .. ._ .. ._ -~ . _._ . . ,.._ . I'm an acco mplished musician, too. BB HT X01 0 183 6 ? 0 -3- LL, IF YOU MiJST PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, ...WH'l"TSON'T YOU PLFlY THE CELLO? ~~~ JACK : Why. . . o[i think I'd play the cello R NO, BUT AT LEAST YOU'D HAVE SOMETHIIVG TO GE JACK: Rochester, I can see 4het this is going to be one of your witty days, and I don't like --- (SOUND: PHONE RIAGS) JACK: Hnunmm. . .answer that, please, while I finish packing . , .tOCH: YES SIR . (SOUND : PHONE RINGS . . :RECEIVER IIP) . ?OCH: MR . BENNP'S RESIIENCg . . mcrcir i _ -HA~kYPEfl• . . .__.. _ _ . . ._ . . . . ._ ._ ~~ .r." . __ _ 70B : Hello, Rochester, this is Bob Crosby . . .IsAM~r . Benny there? `20CH : YES, Mft . CROSBY, HE'S PACKING . iOB : OB;,tha,t's right . . .he leaves this evening Ssv Francisco . ~ tOC$: UH HUH . . AFTER FRB, .TELnVISION SHOii . ..-~. . . _ OB : How soon after his telev)^sinn ..,@how7 .... .,..,_,. OCH: THAT DEPENDS ON THE AUDIENCE . . OB : Well . . .then I better talk to him now . OCH : SURE . . .JUST HOTrD THE PHONE . . .IT'S BOB ~-~OSBY FOR YOU, BOSS. ACK : Thanks . . . Hello? OB : Hi, Jack/1 ~hate to disturb yrou . . .but I've got to ask a little favor . iACK : Certainly what is it? TC HT :KC>1 01 8 3E,71 -4- ~ BOB : Wo7.l. .•thi.s is rather embarrassi ng. . .hut, . .well ; would you lend me five hundred dollars? JACK : (LAUGHS LIKE A BIG JOKE„ Tfl&N STRAIGHT) What did you call for, Bob? BOB : Jack, I'm not joking . .,I need five hundred dollars and I need it imnedately . JACK: Frmn• . .we11 . . . . Look, I'll lend it to you .• .but let's be ~business-like about it :(,adiCertainly . . .I'm willing. BOB to sign a note, and pay interest and everything . TACK: ffimmn .• .five hundred dollars. . .whet have you got to put up as collateral? BOB : Well . .my home is paid for . .thet's worth fifty thousand dollars . -.J' ._ . ~.. BOB : 1'v got nothing else• JACK: >~. .that's pretty tough . . .Look Bob, you need money, q/J why dontt you get it from your brother Biny? BOB : Ck, Jack, I just hate to borrow from Bing . JACK/: ~~ Well••why dorl` ou try to get it from the California Bank? BOB•,rUece I told you . .• Ihate to borrow from Bing . . JACK: Gh, oh, mhm,,,Thai's right .• .he does own that, .a/~?" BOB : And besides, $ing is even werse than you about the ~~ collaterel , h.e~i.makes you put up . JACK: Really? BOB : Yes . . .as a matter of fact, I borrowed some money from him fifteen years ago, end I haven't been able to pay it back, and he's still keeping my collateral . BH RTfKC.~! 0 1 63 6 72 JACK: No kidding. . .what did you BOB: Well, I---weit a minute . . .this is ' a part~ is it? JACK: No . BOB : P4fo one can hear us, can they? NACK: No/~ BOB : And you promise you won't tell anyone about this? JACK : I promise . .now tell me, what did Bing make you pot up as collateral? BOB : We1l . . .I guess I can trust you . . .(VE'iiY CONb7DENTSAL) . . .Gary is really my son : V Oh stop. . .Well, . JACKBob, letme think about it for awhile an$ call me back latery BOB : Okay, Jack. (SOUND : RECIEVER DOWN) ROCH: WHAT DID M@ . CROSBY WANT, BOSS? JACK: Well, he wanted to borrow five hundred dollars from me . ROCH: NO KIDDIrG, YII30'S GOIPA} TO BE YOUR ORCtIESTRA TZpSJBR NEXT YEAR? JACK: Don't be silly . . . I never fire anyone just for asking . .,of conrse, if it gets to be a habit---- (SOiND : DOOR BUZZER) JACK: That's probably Mary, I'll get it . ~~ (SOIIND: FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR OPENS) DENNIS :rdHe~ilo, INr . Benny . JACK: Oh hello, Dennis, come on in . (SOUiW : DOOR CLOSES) D6NNIS : How do you feel, NL^ . Benny? ~ 1 BH HTM 0 1 C.116 ;35 P 3 j . -6- JACK : Fine?~IIENNIS : Is t.h.~~e~ ~radio show all prepared for next Sunday? JACK : yes,~It'~ all written . DEIPNIS : HaveO I got a big part in it? JACK : Yep, DENNIS : That's too bad, I'm quitting today . JACK: You're quitting? DENNIS : IIh huh.,I'm going East for a tryout with the Brooklyn ' Dodgers . ' JACK: Oh, fine . .Last year you were going to swim the channel,-aw1- now you're gonna try out with the Brooklyn Dodgers . . . In L the first place, you don't know anything about baseball . DENNISA(Yes, I do . . .professional baseball runs in my family.. JACK: Oh. . .your father used to play? ' DENNIS : No, my mother : JACK: Your mother played baseball?_ `---DF NNZ3; Yes, and she was very famous . JACK: Wtiy;'what.,d.id she do? ,~...__ _ ... .._.- DEfiNIS : She was the first ' base)?all-player ever to endorse Gillette . JACK: Look',_Dennis . .I'm busy today.: :stop with that silly talk _ about your mother playing professional baseHa3 :y DENNIS : , . „ she played for three years with the Bloomer Girls . ~ JACK: Oh, a girlls team .J!Tat's different . . .What position did she cover? DENiVIS : My Mother was in the outfield . JACK: Right field or left field . RS9SC37 0 1 8 3674 -7- DEflIDIS : Center field, too, when she wasn't vearing a girdle . JACK : (PLEADING) Dennis . . .Dennis . . .look . .if I confess to you that I'm not thirty-nine . . .ard admit that I'm really a tired old man, will yo~u ~leave me alone? . . .That's not too much to ask~ .~- --?~ ~az*~ ? DENNIS :~ Okay . i JACK: New the first thing is to forget about txging out vith the Brooklyn Dodgers sF. t let me hear the song you ' re going to .fs, o, dQ pnAauynday's show . 9\: I'1]4'sing the song, butI'm stil going o e a pro es~s /on~i'' //Fasepell player . JACK: Oh for~ Y "ieavsng sake, ki8 . .whet makes v~-.tha you'd have a successfvl ca~r e`,Sn basebar` . DENNIS: If Dizzy Dean was a s , 2 ought t :o be a sensation . JACK: Hr-mn . . .DenniP r once you're making'senae_. . .Now let me heax.-ywr song . ~ DE : Yes sir . (APPIAUSE) ~.rewh.o (DENNIS' SONG :~T (APPLAUSE) Bx flYX 0 9 0183675 (SECOND ROIITINE) .Y~ 1-~JACK : Dennis, that song is really beautiX.79,, .Not only is it a great tune, but . . .well, Dennis ., .IPv'e got to tell you - something . You've been with me fourteen years now, and as each year passes, your voice becomes better and ~ better . In fact, right now I'll go aa far as to'say that today you're the finest tenor in show business . NNI : When a e you going to Sa Fran!pyi~s~c"on f~~ .°°"`~°- JACK: For heavensq: ~~ak@s ftid,~ .,what~~L s wrong with~( you? . w. .Here -I pey yon the greatest compliment you've ever gotten . . .and you change the subject . DENNIS :/tA~MP mother told me to ignore compliments . JACK: Why? DENNIS : She doesn't want me to be a big han . JACK: Oh . DENNIS : Like you . ' bnz ~ JACK : Dennis! If there's one thing that makes me mad, , it's anyone calling me a ham . If anything, I'm too modest . (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER .) u~ : Excuse me C n _Ca JACK - - A u~ . Ceo~l -r ' -- ti (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS? . . DOOR C)'ENS) d` DfARY : Hello,. Jack ~ JACK : dl, Hi, Nary . MARY: Jack, your sign fell down, and I put it back up. JACK : The "No Parking" sign? MARY: No, the one that says "Home of Jack Benny, Ylorld's Greatest Comedien" . JC 19 T ;K 0 1 0 1 836?6 -9- JACK : Ch yes . . .I put it up after the Academy Award,. . :Iir,nnet ., . 4 -avs Come on in, Mary . ~J (SOUIPD : IX10R CIASES . . . . FGOTSTMPS) MARY : ~"y Hello, Dsnnis : Hello, Mary . . 9EffidIS MARY : Jack, don't you want me to drive you to the studio? . . .I thought you were in a hurry . JACK: Ch, I've got time . . .besides, my agent is sending over a couple of acts for me to audition for my personal appearance in San Francisco . MARY :) ~'~/I thought your stage show was all set . JACK : It is, Mary . . .I've got that wonder.ful singer, Giselle MeKensie, I've got the Will Mastin :rio featuring Sammy Lb.vis, Junior, and a terrific sister act . . . . But we still need a short novelty for the opening . M.ARY : But Jack, I thought that act was all set . . .You told me you were going to hire "3osco, the Famous Talking Dog ." JACK : I was, Mary, but I changed my mind after the audition . MARY: Why, couldn-t Bosco talk? ,r JACK : Oh, he talked all right, .~q,~phad an twiazing vocabulary . . . But he couldn't read the script . BR 19 7 ;KU7 0 1 8 3 6 77 -10- ~iVrI s: _~ead , maybe IFA's tee-Se ung --- JACK : :gr ^ °n`h=^! . . .Anyway, I'm glad I didn't take Bosco . YThat a fresh dog . I don't want anyone working for me who calls me "Baldy" . . . .I wouldn't stand for -- (SOUND : LCOR BUZZER ) JACK : (CALIB) Rochester . . . . . ROCHESTRR . . .Ch, I'll answer it myself . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS ) n. (SOUHD : DJOR OPENS ) JACK : Yes ? ERIC : He?lo, Mr . Eenny . JACK : . . . .Huh? ERIC : I'm Sherwood . JACK: Oh yeg'p Mr . Colman's butler . . . .Come in, Sherwood . ERIC : This is not a sccial call . ~----JACK : Oh. . .well, what is it ? ~:R~fi.~: Nlr . Cclman sent me over to-asYc'~you £S"'F@'tVTT1'-t:ie'~Ming-vas e goubo^rowed from hi.m the tight you geve the Fart y _X.or"y ru -_...... , .... sponsor . .. JACK : Wait a minute . . .there mus _some mistake . . .I didn't borrow his Mi,pg-q6s ERIC : .Yse!you did, it was on the piano when youborrowed that . CK ' Oh, yes . . .yes . . .I'11 return it when I bring back the piano . . . BR FdT7{O1 0783 67 8 liBIC : , itrs . Colman would like ten pounds of sugar, three dozen eggs, six quarts of milk, twenty pounds of flour and a pint. of whipping cream . JACK : Gosh, what in the world is she baKing'• ERIC : Nothing, she's just trying to get even : Hmmm . . .Well, don't worry, I'll bring everything. JACK back . ERIC : Good . . . . and if possible, bring it tomorrow . JACK : I'ru sorry, I can't bring it tomorrow . . .I'm going to 5sn . Francisco tonight for a personal appearance . ERIC : For how long? JACK: We11, I open at the Curran Theatre tomorrow, and I'll be there till May tenth . . .I-'1l be gone for three weeks . ERIC : Would you mind writing that on a piece of paper, rolling it up and tying it with a ribbon? JACK : Ofi~y? ERIC : This is Mr . Colman's birthday, I want to E~.ve it,to him for a present . JACK : G-sh, I didn't know it was Ronnie's birthday . . .I'11 go back with you and congratulate him . BR A r ;,o 1 0 7 836 ; s -12- ERIC : Oh, no, no, no, °-- please don't come back there with me . JACK : Why not . . .Ronnie will be gl ad to see me . Come on, let's go .,f ERIC : No, no . . please . . er . . .anyway, Mr . Colman isn't home . . H~,rte,~- went to the movies with hirs . Colman . . . . They vent to see . . . er . . xry.~y.d.-"Ivanhoe ." JACK : Oh yes .,r.t~anhoe . . .That's the story about a good lmight . ERIC : Ggo_d_night SOiPID : iXJOR SIAMS) Hmmcun . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)) JACR~ I never did like that Snerwood anyway He thi -1-4 he's because he was invited to the Academy A (SOUND : PHONE RINCS) ffiQNIS : (OFF) . PENNY, TfERE'S THE PHCNE . uBALL I ANSWER IT? JACB : NO, '~'~INIS, ` LL GET IT DIYSELF . . y (SCUND : ~LZhPLE FOOTSTE 5~' PHONE RINGS . . . RECEIVER UP) JACK : 3ollo . MEL : (SLIGHT MOCISSY) He Zq;~Mr . Benny . . .I wish you'd reconsider . I'm still available`. / JACK : No, I'm sorr y can i t use yoii%. fd;L : Well . . .gqodbye, Mr . Benny . \\ JACK : Goodbca . Anscn . MEL : (HARKS TWICE) ~ ~ (SOUND : RECEIVER DJWN) ~' YARY : Who was that, Jack? ES Rr 0 680 AAH6R, A. iutu2apt this progras . . . Xe hen idt .rrnpted this progron to bring 70¢ a hnlletin L'rea CLL5 8adio [.ya. The first ,rraap of aiok and weanded Allied priaeum of m, ie ncv heing turned o.er to the United Mations oomnd In IIorw . Por a direot report v. svitoh now to Faeaanjon, John HieH reposttng . RIC6# Thi s ia Johu 8ioh at l.~ oo. Rhe first OnitM Yatiam . peieoelre tun 3n.t hasn delimvd te ae h ere. 2hoy ars heins poee.e.d right mv. tettt.W, they are ae loiger pri.ms.re, they .re tree ees. Acd re t,.te the mn of the first ®aa to arri ... The mw is O.r1 [trehqBeCNr of dashl0{tos 1eiLhts. Qnt Iork. 6e appNrs to be In se:y good s4ape , and the dir.t OS offiour to speak to hin .ey s he seomd a little vaek bnt in good shape and re'11 hsn hie ov his . teet pretty fasto I'll repeat that mue of the first Ae,ertoea to retnra . . . Oarl Eirokaah .nur ot Yaehiinlas peiaht., 14v Iork. Nev . . back tc the IIaited States . EN!16Re Ton he.e j uat h mrd a repor6 on th e aosseneamsnt of the war prieoaer emLnge In [en.. This repart hss oo.e to 70o from 6H4 radio neva . •t 10130 Esetern tine tmmight o ver aeny of these .tations OIDS redin aevs v311 present a speofal progrem inlading the mma and addresee s of e11 Amexiaen psi .eners of var exebnged up to that tiae. But if SUrther oeaes oos t through eerliar , we vill int.rrupt oor program to bring you those at any aoqent . We ner resone oor regularly suhadoied p.osesa. RTS{CaF OY83b87 -14- NT ME TO GET THAT, MR . BENNY? fto, II1 e_ it . . . . you get t.e co£fee,,.~ ...... ~` (SOUND : FOOTS US~'AIf!'"IN B .G .) JACK : Gee . I'll b~t people wi11 ba u~rised to see Fred Allen on.mg-~slevieion show today . . .I hope nobody is-eating~ _dinner . att the time . - ---,~ (SOUND : DO OR BUZZER) JACK: COMING . . . COMING . (SOUND : 06E1~-PB94S~EFS . . . .D'JOR OPENS) JACK : Oh, hello, Don . DON : Hiya, Jack . . . . Come on in, Herman : . . . . . Herman? ~ . JACK . ?xJN : Ye ,* C . .rememberp.remember you told me that you needed an epening act fcr - your stage show in San Francisco? JACK : Yes . . . .? DON : He3t, I think Herman is your man . . :He-3as a great ,ovelty act . . .4io- does a wonderful imitation of an electric organ . JACK : Look Do n -- AON : Go ahead, Herman, show him . MEL : (DOES IMI`PATION OF EI~Cr~'TRIC~. ~ ~ORGPSI) ('~'I'ODT'T LET THE STARS GET d/~°.`~'¢rms: .r IN YOUR EYES") JACK :4a,~That was very good,"tiEIRA'aii : MEL : (PICK A CI-L9RACTER) u"e6 JACK : But I'm afraid,it just wpYi't fit into my show . EON : Well Jack, if you can't use him on your personal appearance, maybe you can use him on one of your radio programs . JACK : On my radio program? ~~ ~ LON : Ys0.,n I have a special arrangement for him thaC I'd like you to hear . . .It would be swell . ES RTX07 0 78368< -15- JACK : Okay let me hear it . ~ . : You have, eh? ...... Tell. JACK me, Herman .. . .how is it living next door to Don? . MEL: Shady : ,,~ I can;JACK imagine . . .Some days ita..wb-- DON : Oce,Here's the music, Herman . R9EL: 4 Gee thanks . DON: ~ Nrnu JacK,111isten to this number . . .it's a natural for your radio show . . .Hit it, Herman . ( ME'L 'JOES COMMERCIAL) RTY{07 0783683 -15n- MEL: Be Happy, Go Lucky Be Happy, Go Lucky Strike Be Happy, Go Lucky Get better taste today poodle-ee poo poo poo poo poo Poodle-ee poo poo poo poo poo Luckies .taste better Cleaner, fresher smoother Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smootber For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco P.icher tasting fine tobacco Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike, (APPLAUSE) BB b Wrxor 0183664 _16_ (THIRD ROUTINE) I JACK : Look, Herman . . .I haven't got time to audition you now for ny program . . .we'l1 talk about it when I rt back from ye c . San Francisco . Bring him over thenJ Don . . DON : Okay . . . So long, Jeck . JACK : So long, 9~eiw Goodbye, Herman . MEL : Goodbye . >'D (SOUND : DOOR CIASES)MARY :~ ~W~ho~ ~w~ansv-at the door, Jack? JACK : ~~ D n Wilson . . . He had an sot for mtr to audition . MARY: Gosh, you certainly ~ gois~g to a lot of trouble for this personal appearance in San Francisco . JACK : Mary, it's not only San Francisco . . . I've gotten offers from all over the country . ' DENNIS : I had an offer to appear in Las Vegas for a lot of money . JACK : Oh, yo thin_k they offered you a lot ofmoney in Las Vegas, eh? tell them about the offer I got from the Flamingo Hotel . wqzw /r Fifty cents a bundle, rough dry . ~ JACK : I didn't mean that ., . I meant th® -i2 -- (SOiIDID ; PHONE RINGS) JACK : Oh, for heavens sakes .,, ~;j .«e .~a. ~~cG~ff-g9Q6i`' (SOIIND : FOOTS'iEPS . . . RECEIVER IIP ~) JACK : Hello . BOB : Hello, Jack . This is Bob Crosby again ; JACK : Oh, yes, Bob . JC l 6 TMC)1 0 983E 6 5 -17- iBOB :14/ Have you thought over lending me the five hundred dollsrs? JACK ; v_.Well . . tell me, Bob, what do you need the money for? BOB : Theusuel thing . . . I've got to bail Remley out . JAC --You have to bail Remley out? AGAIN? 4 00 JACK : Quiet, Rochester . . °^b'e~ .*-a°.e=_.~°'- yeu i~g, sr't N, OF?- 's-ff®t a stil;ZleGLz^ f"^ JAGK:~ ~p "^u'rs aok Y'aaSsag : . .What was he pulled in for this time? BOB :IfM~~l He was crossing Sunset Boulevard when the cop arrested him . JACK : What was the charge? . BOB : Jay crawling . . ~ ? .~/ - ~" JACK: ~- , °-- -- . . Coul ' Remley c ince the cops ~e he was sober? BOB : Ou, He tried to . . .They gave him a1l kinds of sobriety tests . . . finally to prove h e was sober, Frankie decided to walk a straight line and thet's when they arrested him. JACK : Why? BOB : It was up the side of a building . JACK : Hronaan . . .I really ought to let him stay in and teach him a I good lesson . . .but I need him for my show in San Francisco . . . A11 right, Bob, I'l1 lend you the money . But I wish you'd I please tell Remley and the rest of the musicians `* - BOB : Jack, I have to cut it short, I'm phoning from a pay booth in Hollywood . JACK : A pay booth? (SOUND : TERRIFIC POUNCING FIVE TINiES ON PHONE JC COIN BOX) 4- I AT ,X 07 07 0 3E86 MARY : JACS;, YOU CAN OSiLY GET YOY, .i7R DIME BACK, NOf HIS JACK : Oh ,yesn~So long, Bob . BOB : So long . (SOUPID : RECEIVER DOWN) DENNIS : Who was that, Mr . Benny? JACK : Bob Crosby . DENNIS : What did he want? JACK : Well Dennis, this is a personal call and it doesn't concern you or any-cVgr member of my cast . DENNIS : I'm not a member of your cast, Itm with the Brooklyn Dodgers . I JACK : What? ( DENNIS : You hoid me . JACK : -MR cut that out . . . And Dennis I don't wants hear any more about you j oining Siw ---- (SOUPID : DOOR BUZZER) JACK : Oh for heaven sakes . . . . . there's the door agail . ROCH : I'LL GET IT, BOSS . JACK : No, I better go . . .it's probably for me . . Fxcuse me, kids . (SOiAm : FOCTSTE'PS .,, . DOOR OPENS) JACK : p Yes? SARA :~k, Are you Jack Benny? JACK : .~1 Yes . SARA :O~k~ Your agent sent ms over to audition for your show in San Francisco . . . I'm a singer . JC 19 77i01 0 4 8 368? { . 19- JACK : ,~ Oh .,,we11 come in, Miss . . . Miss , . . SARA :iftt, Charmaine Francoie, JACK :S you must have been born in "SARA Charmaine Francois,~~ 4 Oh, then ~ : ~o~ Pismo Beach : Oh . ., then. JACK your parents were French, SARA : No, my mother's Spanish an3 my father's Norwegian . JACK : Then how come they gave you a French name? SARA: When I was born my head was shape3 like~~' e E ffel T wer . JAOK: Oh . . . Well, duck down a little and come in J ._We'll go into ~r.Y~ -yF my study and 2'll give you an audition . SARA : Okay, but no funny business . , JACK : Look, Miss, that's where the piano is . Come in . (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES, .,FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Here we are . . . Now, what about your accompanist? : q R ny myself . SARA d I always a cym ' ,11 ahead _&I 7zo/. JACK: a A11 right go . C" . (PIANO INTRO TO "Kt'iP IT A SECRET") SARA : IF YOU SEE MY DARLING WITH SOMEBODY NEY7, K6EP IT A SECRET, WHATEVE'R YOU DO . Z/ YII3Y SHOULD YOU TELL IDIE AAID BREAK MY POOR HEART, THEN FOOLISH PRID; WOULD JUST DRIVE US APART, : ~ iss IF YOU SES MY DAiLING IN SOME RENDEZ40DS, JACK . . .Miss PAINTING TNR T041N krTH SCME GIRL HE ONCE KNEW Francois . . . PAY NO ATlENTION AND JUST LET IT BE, Eiffel Tower . . . ONLY KE EP IT A SECRET FROM ME . Miss Francois . 19 T?5O7 0 '1 8 3 6 S 8 JACK : I+m~sorry, Miss, that's notlc"],iat ~ fiad in min3 for my opening / act . . . Anyway, I already hsve a girl singer .,, Gisele I McKenzie . . I SARA : Gisele Mc Kenzie? },hat hap she_ got S1iat I havpn It gotR 1- JACK : A nice roun3 head . . . Now eaae.w~, I'll see you' to the door . (SOUND: FOOTSTE PS . . . DOOR OPENS) JACK: Goo3bye, Miss, it was nice meeting you . SARA : Likewise, I'm sure . (SOUND : COUPLE OF F00,^,STEPS DO iSi CEME NT S"',.EPS) MEL : (DOG CROY7«, SNA AN-D~pyS"N"A"PS) SARA : (SCREAMS IN PAI )Get a)tay from me . . . Get sway from me!, JACK: (YELIB) Leave her alone, Bosco, I di3n't give her the job . 4; MEL: Oh, JACK: STUPID ICG . / (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) 191" }{ 01 04 83 6 6 3 -21- ~. _ JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be back in a few seconds to tell you about my television show which goes on immediately after this program . . But first here's an important announcement . . . A quarter million homes go up ln smoke each year . Most of these fires could have been prevented, Keep highly inflammable materials out of the house . Check for faulty wiring . .• empty all ash trays before retiring• Don't smoke in bed . Remember, only you can prevent fires . Thank you . (APPLAUSE) fiT :K 0 1 010369 0 7i T JACK BENNY PRCGRAM -B- A?RIL 19 , 1953 (TRANSOaIBED APRIL 9, 1953) CLOSING CONIMERCIeL WILSON : Jack will be back in just a moment, but first . . . nothing - no, nothing -- beats better taste! And remember . . . COISSNS : Luckies taste better . CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLSNS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco 4 COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Luckiy Strike! Lucky Strike! WIISON : In spite of all you hear about cigarette smoking today, one . basic truth remains . . . it's the taste_of a cigarette that counts! Nothing -- no, nothin& -- beats better taste! And Luckies taste better . . . cleaner, fresher, smoother, There are good reasons for it . Luckies are made better to taste better . . . made round and firm and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly . Naturally that will give you a better smoke . Then, too, better taste in a cigarette must begin with the tobacco . And - LS/kFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . . fine, light, mild tobacco with Its own wocderful taste, and an aroma thatts even better . So remember, friends . ., only fine tobacco, in a better made cigarette, can give you Luckies I better taste . And only better taste can give you the real, deep-down smoking enjoyment you want! So . . .3e Happy -- Go Lucky! Next time . . .ask for a carton of . . . Lucky Strike! SPORTSMEN QUART6T : Be Happy -- Go Lucky h Gat Better Taste Today . f3T7S07 01 83 6 91 (TAG) _p2_ JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, in exactly thirty seconds I'll be doing . my television show . I hope that al:L of you people with i television sets will tune me in . . And those of you who don't must have a neighbor who has one, so on your mark, get set, go . (SOUPID : GUN SHOT. . . .(PAUSE) . . .(GL4SS CRASH) JACK: Gosh, one man went right through his window . Goodnight, folks, see you in thirty seconds . (MUSIC AND APPLAUSE) LUN :The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Milt Jose£sberg, I John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced end I transcribed by Hilliard Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the American Tobaccs Comuany . . . America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . ES flT'+{O't 0?B3G92 PRCGRAM ~-"'33 RLVISID SCRIFP r- ICAN TOBACCO COMPANY IDCRY SPRIICE THE JACK BII7NY PRCGRAM_ SUNMY, APRIL 26 , 1953 CBS 4 :oa - 4 :3o PM PsT (TRANSCRIBED APRIL 15, 1953) B YYW Ci I I( f ~ I ~ ( RT ;K 0 7 0183693 ,THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM APRIL 26, 1953 (TRA NSCAIBED APRIL 15, 1953) OPENING COMMERCIAL - WIISON : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . .TRANSCRIBKD AND PRESENTED BY LUCKY STRIP,E! (PAUSE) You know, friends,,,_°or real smoking enjoyment, nothinF, -- no, nothinR , -- beats better taste! And. . . COLLINS : Luckies taste better . 'CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . COLLINS : Luckies taste better . CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . Richer-tasting fine tobacco . COIS,INS : Lucki-es taste better . CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Lucky Strike . . .Lucky Strike . ! WIISON: This is Don Wilson with an important question . . . . is the cigarette you're smoking fresh . . .reallp fresh? If it's a Lucky, I know it is . For Luckies are definitely fresher . Prove I that to yourself . Light up s Lucky anfl see what a difference that freshness makes to your smoking enjoyment! Notice how much more .you get from the cigarette that tastes better in I every way . . .not only fresher, but cleaner and smoother, too . Yes, Luckies do taste better because they're made of fine, 4 light, naturally mild tobacco . They taste better because I they're made better -- made round and firm and fully packsd, to draw freely end smoke evenly . And then, of course, Luckies I taste better because they come to you fresh . They're even extra tightly sealed, to keep that freshness in! So . .Be 1 Happy -- Go Lucky! For real smoking enjoym.ent, ask for Lucky Strike . Get the better taste you want in a cigarette . .and get it fresh! I COLLINS : Luckies taste better . CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Lucky Strike . . . . Lucky Strike . 19 l- :K 0 1 0 483E94 (FIRST R07TINE) (AFTIIt CONP2RCIAL, MSSIC UP AND DPWN) DON : THE IUCKY STRIKE PRCGRAM, STARRING JACK H:ICRVP. . . .WITH MARY LNINGSTONE, RCCHASTER, DENNCS I7AY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YCURS TXJLY" bON WILSON. (APPLAUSE. . .N'ilSIC UP AND DOWN) . .,RIGST Na7 JACK BENNY IS IN SAN ,.a,/ FY2ANCISCOn4EµH6 IS MAffiNG A PR1tSONAL APPP.ARANCE AT THE CURRAN TEEATRE . SO LET'S GO BACIi.3TAGE ROCfI'rSTER IN JACK ' S DRE3SING ROOM,, ROCH : (SINGS) TBERE'S NO BCSINE3S LIKE SHOW HJSINFSS, TF.II2E' S NO HIJSIP3E55 I KNCW, EVERY TIME THEY SE[,L ANOTfIER TICKET, MR. BENNY'S BIDE EYPS START TO GL(Ad, BUT WHEN HE LOOKS AND SEE3 A SEAT THATIS EhiPPY, THE LITTLE TEAR DROPS THEY START TO HTAW --- THERE'S NO &JSINFSS L= SHGW------i OH-OH. . LOOK WHAT TIME IT IS . . . . . ARt. B= I LL BE OFF STAGE Ai3Y-MIWTE. ~-BECfE1tGET-TRENGS-RP.ADY-FOR-FFFFF&}- 3~6AN-PRESHFRf-I7P-BEPHEESi-JfLth~ .9.- I'LL PJT 2t i ING ?3E NF_:EDS ON HIS DRESSING TABLE . (SCUND : NiOVE= OF JARS) .dP flt}S[.~4 0983695 ROCH : YEP, THAT'IL DO IT . TFERE'S THE COLD CREAM FOR HIS MAh"E-UP . . . . A WASHCLOTH FOR AIS FACE, .,,, .A BRUSH FOR ILIS SUIT . . . . . AND A COMB FOR HIS MORALE, . .,,,LEP'S SIE,,,,WHAT P73E. . . . . GH YES, HIS GLASSRS, HE AIWAYS HJTS TF4iM ON WHEN HE COMEB BACK TO THE DRFSSING ROOM . . . . . I WISH HE'D FORGLT HIS PRIDE AND WEAR THEM CN.IS~TAGE. YISTERDAY HE DID T{d0 SHLWS WITH HIS BACK TO THC AUDIEIVCE . .,THAT WASN'T SO BND . . $TT WHEtY HE TOOK HIS BOd, WHAT A TARGLT : ,,,,EVNI'i THE t MANAGER RAN UP AND KICK® HINL,, I HAVEN' T SEEN THAT MANY I PEOPLE ON.STAGE SINCE Gg70 VADIS,, .,,,,OH WELL. . . . . I GUSvS I SSTTER LAY CUT A, CLEAN SHIRT FOR ~w (SQIPID : DR'E'SSER DRAWER OPENS) . ROCH: YEAH. .THIS WfIITE ONN,'LL BE ALL RIGRT . . . . ffi+dd, I iQNOW MR . BENNY ISN'T A SPE[a1fHRI1'P, BUT I DO WISH HF ;'D BUY REAL CUFF LIIVRS . . . . . MAGINE EUtTING A TOqPHPICK THRQJGH TEL CUFF AND STICKiNG AN OLIPE ON EACH END . . . . THIS EVEN AMAZE'0 ME AND I'VE BEEN WITH HI2I FOR F0)IFSEEN YEAfiS, ) SSQ1ND : DOOR OPENS) JACK : Hello, Rochester . ROCH : OH, HGLLO, BOSS,,,HOw DID THE SHWI GO? JACKAFYne, Aor.hester,- fine . ROCH: TH2S'S GOOD . 31P1D=I'M GLAD TFII;RE WEREN'T ANY FN,PPY SEATS . JACIi: How did you know? ROCH: YIX7R MASCARA ISN'T RUNNING . JACK: Rochester, I don't cry when there's an empty seat . . . . After all, I didn't take this personal appeare.nce enga6ement to make money . ROCH : YIXJ DIDN'T? flF .'K 0 7 09 8 3E9E -; JACK : No. you may not usxlerstand this, Rochester, but every so often a performer masE satisfy his artistic temperament . I'm playingthes three weeks in San - ._ Francisco merely as a releasehfor rrtv talents . Do you understand what I mean? ROCH: WELL. . .IS THIS THE SAME KIND OF A REL:ASE THAT YOUR l TALENPS GCJPFROM'PfH.'`WARNER BROPHIMS : No no, this is something different . By? JACK the way, Rochester, where are my slippers? ROCH : RIGfCL' HERE, BCSS . JACK : Well, don't just stand there pointing at them, .,take 'em off. . .Thank you . . . . N4w~ .R.ochester, please go out and get me a sandwichL .corntd beef on rye . . .and don't forget the mustard and pickles . RCCH: OKAY. AND I BEiPr^,R BRING BACK SO'M OL.IVP3, TOO . JACK: Olives? ., Why? ROCH : TBEPIMEM^10 F19 S, C[iT OF YCUH CUFF LINKS . JACK: go get my sandwich : YES SIR . . ROCH (SCIIND: FiW FOCTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS AYD CLCSPS) JACK : Let's see, Iive got quite awhile before I have to be back on stage . I think I'll freshen up my make-up . First I better take this old stuff off. . . .Now Let's see. . .where is that jar? Oh, here it is . J~w (SC17ND : PATTING CREAM ON FACE. .COPSIDERAHLE PATTING) JACK : 1That ought to be enough . (SWND; 4 FE'd STROKES OF WIPING ) EM 19 TAC)'1 0783 6 97 - 4 - JACK: (IMPRFSSED) Hey. .this ; stuff really takes the make-up off . And in that fancy jar no one would ever guess It's Crisco ., .Ha-l:a..khere+s-nnre-tha~.-ene-way-of-beabtng- -that-eoemetic-ta~r, . . .I wonder if I should shave before I ---Hmmm. . .look at my eyes . They're bluer than the thumb of a cross-eyed carpenter, ., . .I4better put on some more make-up~~^"t~x°~°'-°~ (SQJPID : KNOCK ON DOOR) ~ u V) JACK: COME IN . (SQIND: DOOR OPENS) JACK: (CUTE) Well . . .if it isn't . . . . MARY, MARY QUITE CONTRARY, HO[d DOES YQIR GARDEN GROW. M11RY : WITH SILVER SII.TS AND CCCKLE 3H8ZGLS, AND BOY ARE YCU A SCHMO . JACK : Hmm . . MARY : Got any more poetry you want to throw my way? JACK: Never mind . But, Mary, did you catch my last performance? MAHY : I caught more than that . TACK: Huh? MARY: I was in the front row when you took your bow . Here, put it back on your head . JACK: Ch. Well, I'm glad you caught it this time . Yesterday a lady brought it back and wanted me to autograph it . MARY: Jack, you mean she kept your toupay? JACK: She was a vtl.dget, she thought it was a m4nk stole . MARY: You and your long side burns . nTHC11 0 18 3 E+95 JACK: Never mind_.~Pipw-tBi3~NSbtlsI~yousaw-my-ntag s ow.,„what did you think of it? Especially h re I € sh my big violin number .,and then w ti5 the help of assistant, T`sw ow my bow . MARY : Assistant : 1Ie11, t tJ a oe way of putting it . JACK: What do ean? MARY : i8 meone ran up from the audienoe, and jaunned it down ~ throat. ~ :-V7®33;~ppl=aase ; Gicf~tat-ttR . . . .Now look, Mary, II want to finish my make-up so excuse me~ 14-~ 7 „~a_ ~--,--donx-uae-6oe-mv.ek-cye--shsdnw .- V . SfAe°_ r ~ (SWND : MWENIEVVP OF GLASS JARS) IDWRY:IN'jWait a minute, Jack, your jar of cold cream.,,it doesn,t have any label on it . JACK: I know . MARY: Gee. . .it looks good. . .smells good, too. Who recommen.ded it, Percy Westmore or Max Factor? JACK : -Rswdsnae-Pepnyo ~-:z.~-z+~ M9Rl: Prudanoe-pen ny; But she tells you how to cook and fry _ ,.A. _ atuL, -- wait a minute, let me smell that aga"..n.,,(SNIFF) . . . Hrtan. . . (IAUGHS ) I JACK: What are you laughing at? M ARS.' : I never thought that Buck Benny would turn out to be "+ (SCY7ND : i4~iCCK ON DOOR) . ~ EM HTM 0r ") 0 7 8 3699 -6- JACK : Come in . (SCSSND : DOOR OP.GIVS) I Crosby . JACK: Q'h}~F+,.Bob BOB : -I"a' Jack . Hello, Mary . , , MARY: H'ya, Bob. BOB : I didn't mean to keep you waiting„ Mary, but I had a few errands to do, MAHY : Waiting? JACK : Oh, I meant to tell you Mary . I want you and Bob to sing a song together on my radio show . ' Oh, I don't want to do that, After all, I haven't got the voice of a great singer . Well, I've got the name of one so let's take a stab at it . tYi~l`}-•'Oh'y®s-9outirteex~:'r,- BOB : e, my middle name is Gary . \ JACK: Well, ahat \ you 1mow .,And I thought you meant your brother. BOB : Don't be silly, EVerett~can't~sing a note . ~ JACK: I didn't mean EveretE~ BOB : Oh, Larry,-'` \ I i JAGK : NotLarry, I'm talking about Bing . BOBj% Who? ~\ \ ~JACK: Bing, Bing, the Orange Juice ICi . ; /-B6H . . . ,AS a matter of £act, I just got a letter from him ~ _ t,hi~s mr3ng . You know, Bing is in Paris . JACK: hy+-B-IezJ '6tu~ l I read about 4t~ Gee . ,, Paris in the Spring . Gosh, how I ' d like to be there . Say, Bob, wasn't it in Paris last year when Bing was taking a nap irn the park . and a French policeman arrested 'niT4 t-~~ , EM HT ;Kt)'i 0 1 8 37 0 0 . . . _ __...._ ..:...... ~~ -7- , BOB : en; but this time he's taken some precautions to make sure that it doesn't happen again„ JACK: What did he do? BOB : He bought P2'ance . ~ JACK: Bought %rance? BOB : You're surorised, huh? JACK: °3'e®hp I didn't think Maurice Cylevalier would se11 . . .Ne11, so much for international news, . .You know, kids, I'm really getting a kick eut of doing a stage show here in San Francisco . It's nice to get e.way from -- (SQJPN: PHOPL: HING3) JACK : Excuse me, ;!efds.- . (SCUPID : RECP= UP) JACK: Hello. I JACR~, Mary, it's for you . MARYt Hello , J'ENNY: Miss Livi tone, this call i,.Y'or Dr7/. Jack Bsnny . MARY ; Well, why call me? J$VNY : Get the smelling salts, it's-- ccllect. MABY: (ASIA4') Well, operator, just put t~i,e -patt,y on and I won't / te11 him (UP) Jack it' for u ` -~3A@Sf: -9h;-~-titought-tt-was-Yorqen-r-Hel3o JEDPIY: Here's your paa•ty--go ahead, Hollywood,DOtJ : Hello, Jack, this is Don Wilson . JP.CK : Oh, what is it, Don? i DON : Jack, I have the most wonderfSil ide a anB.I just had to call you . HTX07 0i89 p 01 JACK : What is it, Don? DON : Well, you know how the entire movie industry is so excited . about these new three dimensional pictures? JACK : Yes : Well, . DON I have an idea for a 3-D picture that's bound to be absolutely sensational . JACK: What is it? DON : Well, the opening scena takes place on at~tob.~ac-cQ .~ plantation in Goldsboro, North Carolina,°,~ And, 'rtlhe scene is so realistic -t31at the people i .nn the audience will thirJC they-re sitting right in a field of that light, that fine, that naturally rtiild tobacco . SACK: Continue, Don you fascinate me. DON: Now this is going to be a musical . . .The Sportsmen Quartet comes out and sings a love song to a Lucl{p Strike c ar,etter . . . . ~~e^~i+t-fello . F7-X01 () 183702 -9- Q7IART : YW W-'r,RE MEANT FOR ME OH L8 MFT YES, IDCHIE9 PATTERNED Y(A AND WfiEN THEY WERE DONE YOU WERE ALL THE GOOD THINGS ROLI,£,D UP I~; YOU HAVE A'~S~A. TASTE IT'S TfdJE YQ7' RE SM00'THER AND YOU ARE CLEAN THRCUGH AND THRQJGH SO RQUPID AND FIRM 80 PSILLY FULLY PACP+ED THEY MUST HAV:E MADE YOU JUST FOR ME MY DARi,ING f YOU WERE MEANP FOR ME NCIPAPJFFr_SRWGH BECTER TASTING SURE ENWGH I WAS MEANT FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU WILL DO YOU AAE THE HEST AND THAT IS TFUE EVERY LUCKY STRIAG IS FREE FROM LOC0.4E ENA9 HTILL OF SMG[CL^IG PLPSASURE THEY PLEP.SE PTC HRIENSB AND SO TO'lIXI MY LUC%Y STRIKE I IL1VE LEARNED TO TEAR NQd IT'S EASY TO COMPARE I YCli'fiE THE SMOKC I ILIISE 'rlHAT A CIGAREPTE ~4p(pG7x n4 nTT ~e n ~ SO WE SAY FOR NCI{Y STRIKE WAS MEAPYf FOR YCU . (APPLAUSE) 191-1,1(01 0 7 8 3, 0 3 -10- (SECOND ROUTINE) JACK : Don, that sounds wonderful, but remember with 3-D gictuava you have .to give everybody in the audience a pair of glasses . DON : Not for this picture, we're going to give everybody an ash tray . JACK : Oh good, good . Now Don, t:aeg-=ef'r,"1'KCn•twaat-pou-to- ~ ~ D 0 '.%w A JAC: Whata re's the smelling salts . SOUND : RECEIVER A~WN) . JACK: Nevermind, d next time don't trick me, ow use me while I take th i ake-up off . (SOUND: PATT CE) JACK: If Don wants to call ms up.T~png Distance that's -- BOB : Say . . .what smells so gocd? (SOUND : PATTING) BOB : Jack, let me smell that ' jar of cold cre am . 1/ 11 (SOUND : PATTING STOPS) \ BOB : (SNIFPS . . .SMACK3 LIPS) JACK: You didn't,h ve to taste it! . . .Give me that jar . ~ BOB : Well, what do you know . . .Crisco . JACK: Allright, all right ., .it does a good job and I'm going 0 / keep it, BOB j Well, of coursfl,._Saclcr-9oa-akmuld-.-St!_s_goad insurance . ~- .JACK~-~ nsurance? T.. P3TiK 01 0183i C)4 i ...... --~ . _ "•HOB :~Yeah,i£ y~oau sliculddecide• to impersonate Nelson Eddy an \~ sing about that brsad, you've got th~sho enin' for it ~ . JACK : Yeeb, s n~ enin' . . . . . (80UND: DOOR OPENS) --'---~_ ROCH: HERE'S YOUR SANLWICH, BOSS . ~----1 JACK : Thanks, Rochester . . .8ay, this is a nice thick one . I'iOCH : YEAH, WHEN I TOLD THE MAN IN THE DELICATESSEN IT WAS FOR YOU, HE PUT IN AN ERTRA PIECE OF hEAT . JACK : Gee, he must have liked me . . :Jxsput in an extra piece of . corned beef, eh? ROCH: NO, HAM. / JACK: RmM . ROCH: NOP IM, HAM. JACK : I heasd, I heerd . . . ROCR: WOULD YOU ISIfl; SOME MORE MUSTARD ON IT? ~ JACK: (CHEWING) No,qthis is fine the way it is . MAIAr: Gee, that sandwich looks good . BOB : Ifl: sure does . JACK : (ENBARRASSED LAUGH) Oh, I'm sorry . . .I shouldn't be eating like this in front of youd "Oh, Rochester -- ROCH: YOU WANT ME TO RCN ACROSS T:M STREE'~_ AND GET SObIE MORE SANLWICHES? ~ « JACK : No, see if there's an emptg dressing room, I'll go,aat in there . BOB : Bon't put yourself out, Jack . Oome on, Mary, I'll take you to dinner . MAR( : Okay, Bob, thanks . BOB : You can come along, too, Jack . 8 rn 0 7 0 3 8 3 7 0 5 -12- JA2:~,y7han s . I hetter stay here and relax . . .So long, kids . /•A44AAia-& BOB : o .So long. (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR CLC6E9) JACK : Rochester, I'll have to get dressed pretty soon so lay out my clothes will you please? ROCH : OKAY . JACK: 9eT--R~eheatax^ I think that during my next show there'1l be soms critics out front, so I vent you to sneak out in ( the audience and when I tell M jokes, laugh it up . ROCH: AGAIN? I .IACK: What do you mean, again? . . . Rochester, I don't ask you to -- - \sit out in the audience and laugh very often . ROCH: AI\I KNOW IS THAT IN THS REVI .EEWS OF YOUR OPENING SHOW i I WAS' .gEF'ERAED TO AS "OLD FAITHFUL" . ~~ \ JACK : What? FiJCH: EVERY FI \ S$CONLS I LII' G0, j~ JACK : All right, all right . . .Mtlton-Berle has his mother, I've got you . . .Anyway, Rocleste\ m a little tired so I think ! 1'1l take a little-6ap . ~ i (SCUND:~ SQ,IIEEK OF CCIP SPBINGS) . j t JACK : Gee, these theatre engagements are fun but they're tough . I don't see how a guy like Denny Kayn can stand it, day in, -day out, week in, week out . l ROCE: ~Z+ELL, LAST YEAR HE MADE A NIILLSON DO]:S4FS PLAYING TH6ATRES . JACK : A million dollars? ROCH: THA_T .S-WHAT.IT-SAID-INVARIEPY .. .-__ ----~~ F RT ;KCIq 07$3~CJfi --YIe11, he can~have it . . .When I finiah my three xeeks , gonna take a vacation . .After a,.rhe h is more importan ha oney . . .I'lYtake it easy . . .play golf . . . (LONG PAUSE) . . onde nny's agent would hendle me . RCCH: BOSS, Ax'iEN'T YOII FCfGSTTING? JACK: ; t? /YOU ARE DANNY'S AGENL . ~JAGK.i--"©b'Y°< r' .e been so busy it s11pR5d 'M'+d (SCIIND : KNOCK ON DCOR) JACK: Come in . (SCURD: DOOR OPENS) FRED: Hello, Jack, bello, Rochester . JACK : Well Fred . . .Fred Allen: . I (APPLAUSE) . . f JACK : Well, Fred, this is a surprise . . .4Rien did , q, ou get in town? FRED: Last night . „p . ~'"p'~~~ qy JACK : Last night?~7 eWh~yM~idn't~you- call me at mp hotel? FRED : You mean you're staying at one that has phones? i JACK : . . .Well, no . . But thera~k a j~nd` store in the lobby that 1"REO : takes messages¢ .Gosh, it's good to see you, Fred . Tell ine, what are you doing here in San Francisco? FE E D: MAT ack, I'm here on business . I JACK : Business? FFF'D : Yes . . .You see, Portland wanta a("mink stole and I've heard ( thexe'a a midget~here who wants ~to..~sell one . JACK: w~'~l ?]P, .•.-. ,to„ ~'k~...... a.,^,.~,, .~ a-~. RCCH: SAYBC6S, AS LONG AS [~lR; ALLE ~5 IN . TCWN, WHY DCN'T YOU PUP HIM ON YOUR STAGE SHOW? falX07 0 7837 0 r ~t -14- .p rkr'~ ''".4 .'-~.~ ~,c, FRED!1~'~hsnke~sROChestar, but I couldn't„go out on a stage now . . . I haven't got any material . JACK: Well, don't you have any of your old vaudeville routines left? FRED : *4-If I did, I'd b eve ~~F[7-shvq-on television . JACK: Gee, it would be great if you could join me on my etage show~, F~e-d-. FRED .4AI'd, , love"to, Jack, but I have to rush back to Hollywood . I've been offered the lead in a new picture . I JACK : v~A(~ngw pictu^ie?~µ FRED : Y-ea-J..•.~r__play the part of a test pilot in Lds Aneeles . The piet is called "Breaking the Smog Harrier ." JACK: Gee, it's a shame you can't stay over, Fred, sp we~ JR~k :~` appear together . I ould be like old times .'`°.~,y_#•+•«s• ROCH: ' SAY P4?. BENNY, DID YOII . ALLEN ONCE DO AN ACT TOGEPHER IN VAUI BUILLE? JACK: Sl~a~u}~F- did, Rocheste~r .. ~We had a lot of fun in those days . FRED: 61 'feeri, . .r3e-gau remembe v~bow weC.always celebratatwith a big , Qinner at Lindy's every time we got a job? JACK : ~~ we'd always get the best . .shrimp cocktail, turtle soup, chefs salad . . . FRED: Filet Mignons . .stuffed potatoes . .strawberry short-cake . . JACK: Ana hen I'd top it all off with a big glass of Ovaltine . ROCH: ~~ _OVALTINE? . FI ED:~'~.~qte wanted to be asleep when the check came . JACK: -FRb. . .tbose were the good old days . . .I'1l never forget the time we14 rehearsed and polished our act for weeks, and we went to see Mickey Rockford, the biggest booking agent in New York . . . (TRANSITION MCSIC -"THEHE'S NO BUSINESS LIIO; SHOW Bi1SINFSS") (SOtHQD : FOOTSTEPS) Hi-ii0i 0 1837 08 -u- JACK: Come on, Fred . I think Mr . Rockfoxr7's oPfice is down the hall . (SOUND : FCCTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPEN AND NOISE OF OFFICE . AND PEOPLE) FRED: Hey, it's crowded in hsre~~,e .Q.. . JACK: I guess we'll have to talkVto the secretary . ,,, ~(SOIIND : FEW FOCIPSTEPS) JACK: Miss~q .we'd like to see Mr . Rockfoxrl, BEA : Do you have an appointment? JACK: Appointment? We're Benny and Allen . BEA : Benny and Allen? JACK : Yeah . Don't you reco gn ize us? BEA : Why, is there a reward? _,.A d....+-_~,~~- FRED: You don't,~understnod, girlie . . .we do a vaudeville act . BEA: Re®11y,? Which one throws the fish? FRED: Say, that--e clever, ou ougpt to be in show business youxreelf . BEA: Me . . . . in show business? .w'N+r'AeAaw/Q/.,w9~xHna.t- ...w .~'^"w ~}a"' /c*^"" F RED: Yes,.I know a~ 'e3~ghtarYtmi:fe-throaer7iw-jvst-lesl/ )nxa4 -esa3etesY..- d"-~ I a nat2 9~Yp~~ i- JACK : Take it easy, Fred . . .Look,rtMiss we don't~qw~ to argue, e++nl ~ we'd just like to seeyMr . ocl8ord, BEA: Well, first I'11 need some information .!(What's the neme of your ac tfl~ aJ~ ? FRED : Allen and Benny . BEA : ~fi I thought you said it was Benny and A :Llen . FPiED:~'I~yt~(At two o'clock our billing changes . RTFiO) 0369709 BEA: Well . . .what kind of an act do you do? JACK: Violin, Clerinet, snd Snappy Patter . BEA: And where have you played? JACK : Oh, all over. BEA: Well, where? F1~D :~~•T~,us~tell her the important oneo-r diw~u ... , BEA : -iiea, go ahead . JACK: Well. . .we did a week in Sow Bell .v, Wyoming . . .A week in Loose Tooth, Arizona . . .Three days in Stagnant Water, New . Meaico . . .and we also played the Pa].ace here in New York . BEA: Sow Be11y . . .Loose Tooth . . .Stagnant Water . . .and the Palace . . . .We11, at least you worked your way up . FRED: No, we played the Palace first . BEA : '8hr. .We11, Mr . RockfordSis 'vusy right now so just have a seat and I'1l call you . I JACK: All right . BEA: 0h ~ by the way, Mr . Allen . . .2 don't mean to be personal, but are you an American citizen? FRED: Yes, I got these elant eyes from pulling off a tight derby . JACK : Com~e.y,on, Fred . Let's si t down . (SGUND : BLZZER. .CTSCK) BEA : Yes . . .Yes .e.~Very well, Mr . Rockford . . .Oh, boys, Mr . Rockford will see you now . TJACK : (: ood~ good . . .Come on, Fred, let's go .~-V~- • r 2EJ'. ~ ~ (SOUND : FEW FCOTSTEPS . . .DOCR OPENS) MEL :*-d~Come on in, fellows . . .come on in, d_ose the door, sit down . . JACK : Thank you . . .Mr. Rockford, I'm Jack Benny and this is Fred Allen . r ATX 01 0733'1 0 -17- FFED : That's right, Mr. Rockford ..t You booked our act intV the Palace seven years ago . 1 MEL : Oh yes . . .what business are you in now? FRID :*~Ye're still in show .buainess . JACK : Yes, and we thought you could book us . MEL: Please fellows . FRED: Our new act is sensational . . .at least give us a chance~,* .R, JACK:'0~, All we need is one good break . MEL: I gave you a break when I put you in Loew's Flatbush I : Some break. . .they opened with Finks Mules, then Major. FRED Doty's Dogs came out, then Manny's Monkeys, anc'P then Powers Dancing Elephants : So what? . MEL FRBD : 4~ y the time we came out, we looked like the last two passengers on Yoah's Ark . MEL:44-,Look, boys, I'm very busy and -- JACK : Please, Mr . :Rockfoad, just listen to our opening number . . . it'11 only take a second . I MEL: All right, but before you -- (SCiiND : KNOCK ON DCOR) MEL:Excuse as . . .CONE IN . (SCDND: DOOR OPETiS) HAHRY: Mr. Rockfoxd, here's the ten per cent commission I owe you 1 for booking my act last week . MEL: W-~ Thank you . a. ec -t JACK : Wait a minuteyrsonny, what's your name? HARRY : Eddie Cantor . JACK : Eddie Csntar? F RTMC37 0183?71 HARRY: (GOES OFF SINGING LIKE CANTOR) Potatoes are cheaper, tomatoes are cheaper, now's the time to fall in loococoove . (SOUND: DOOR CLOSF9) yd~_ JACK : slow~ Mr . Rockford, how about listening to our~new act . MEL: ~,, Oh, all right, if you insist . JACK : '~. I Ready with your clarinet, Fred? FRED : Ready . JA~CKFE~One . . .two . . . .a,wu,-,t (d•'ACE PLAYS FjIST STRAIN.e^AOF "TEA FOR TWO" ON c~eO~ .THEN STOPS) dAe-K'. ~izC J.""Y ~'y JACK : Oh, Mr. Allen . FFES7 : What is it, Mr . Benny? JACK : Have you heard that they're making women's bathing suits ~- out of spun,glass? FAED : Women's bathing suits out of spun gl .ass? Well, that's worth looking into . JACK: (T~liIIGIT; IT UP) Ha ha ha .q .take it, Mr . Allen . yAt'{(F~H'pLAYS SvCOND STRAIN OF "TEA FOR TF'0" ON HISfl ' ,...--•-- CJAeK : ~o~s~-_ _ FRED:~,^" You know, Mr . Benny, S,~leve music . d qe_K ; OQ ~,,.~`. JACK : So do I . Music once saved uy une :e's life . FRED:` 4t'~~, How did music save your uncle's life? JACK : They played the Star Spangled Banner just as he was sitting in the electric chair . J A c-K'• Vlk- -F'I BDt take i t, Mr . -Benn}. R® s . g --F ~, ..~ ~ PLAYS THIRD STRAIN OF "TEA FOii TIdO" ON jfIOL,'f3Q . . .THEN STOPS }1 FRED : Oh, Mr. Henny . JACK : Yes, Mr . Allen . it, -~-L FRED : I want you to meet ud new girl . . .her name is Well Enou gh . JACK : Why do you call your girl Well Enouyh ? flT X0 1 0183r 92 r -19- FRED: Because wa ht~ a boys to leave Well Enough alone . . . j.,.-e- k KL4: Mr.Benny .q~ .in, unison . (THEY BGPH PLAY'TCGETHER AND WIND UP WI'Tft BIG F7NI8H) JACK :",Well, Mr . Rockford, what do you think of it? FRED: Wait' 11 he gets his head out of the drawer . JACK: Maybe he's looking for a contract . MEL: Fellows -- JACK: Yes, yes, yes ., . F_REDe Yes, yes, MEL : To tell you the trutb, fellows, I'm conPused .^ The whola act leaves me cold .9A~I-t's neitherfish nor fowl . FRED :4A,That' s funny, the last agent we went to thought it was both . JACK : Well, Mr. Rockford . . .you mean you can't book us aThere? MEL:^h-A,,Actually, I don't have a thing opet for a double : Have either of you considered doing a single? JACK: What and break up the act : FRED: Why we've been togetber for years, you can't split Benny and Allen . JACK : -Yeatr, it's ridiculous . We're more than just a team, we're partners, friends, buddies . . .Ylhy, we'd rather starve than let anything come between us . MEL: 'tYA,That's a shame because I've got an opening for a single in Scranton for fifteen dollars a week . JACK : I'll take it . ~+&\RED^~But~Ieck~wha.t-abou`~tMe-teanr,~-th par ners, e r a . _the_buddies? . _ .. ._ . . . _ . . - --~~_ ' i . JACK : Well,_Exsd ;Ji got tnink-of-mYselP . After all, I'm not getting any younger . P3t- X0 7 0753 P 73 - 20 - _ FRED: Well, if that's the way you feel,.ll'11 takle~ it for fourteen dollars a week) ) 7?~ v JACK : Fred, you'd steel a job away from your partner, your buddy, - your friend? FRED: Some friend . What did you ever do for me? JACK : Why, you puff-eyed ingrate . For years we've lived off mp violin, my brains, uiy talent, my jokes . . . I FHED: And my money . . .And listen, you mise :r, as for your violin playing, 3!-ve-heaid cleaner notes from a toothless Russian sipping Borscht . . .You1vjust lucky you've had me and my clarinet 1 : Clarinet . JACK The only way you could make a living with that clarinet is if you put a nail on the end of it and went out in the parL . . .Mr. Rockford, rather than let you hire this no-talented wage-cutter, I'll take the job for ten dollars a week . (SNEAIC IN PLAYOFF ID$ISIC AND HUILD TO FINISH) FRED : Oh yeah, well, I'll take it for eiaht! JACK : I'll take it for fivei FRED :1'h~ I'll take it for three! JACK: WELL, I'LL TAhE IT FOR NOTHING! FRED : SO WILL I! MEL: WELL AT THAT PRICE I CAN AFFORD BC1TH OF YOU . FRED: JACI{IE, DID YOU BEAR THAT . . .WE'RE WOHI{ING! _,TA~K :' F D! C'R o ~ (PLHYOFF UP FULL . . .APPLAU9E) hT ;K01 0783i'14 i -22- DON : Iadies and gentlemen, our forests are among our most vital resourees . Last year, through carelesaness, forest fires destroyed millions of acres of valuab :le timber . This sbameful waste weakens America . .protect our forests! - Don ' t toas away lighted matches or ci garettes . Make sure every camp fire is completely out . Remember, only ~oy can prevent forest fires! Thank you . _(APPIAUSE) DDN : Jack will be back in just a moment, but first --- nothing -- no, nothing beats better taste . And remember . . `_. H TiS 01 01 837 15 ;^~ JAC yROGRAM tfiRlL 2, BENNY1953 (TRANSCRIBEn APRIL 15, 1953) CIA9ING COt+N'ERCIAL blII80N : Jack will be back in just a moment, but first . . . nothing -- ( no, nothing -- beats better taste . And remember . . . . COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLINS : Luckies teste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS ; Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike . . . . . Lucky Strike ,kTIL90N : I suppose there's no way of telling just how many different reasons there are for smoking . But this is certain -- all those reasons add up to eniovment . And for real smoking enjoyment -- nothing -- no, nothing -•• beats better taste! And ckies taste better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother . That's nartlv because Luckies are made .better -- made round and firm and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly . Yes, made better to ta better! And there's another imnortant reason for Luckies' better taste . It's fine tobacco . . . . long strands of fir.e, liaht and mild tobacco, with a wonderful taste, and an aroma that's even better! For . . IS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco! So, . friends, switch to the cigarette that gives you mre real t smoking enjoyment because it tastes bQtter! ]~e Happy -- Go Lucky! Next time -- everv t!me -- ask for a carton of ! Lucky Strike! SPORTSMEN QUARTET : Be Happy -- Go Lucky r DH Get Better Taste Today (LONG CLOSE) hl'X07 0783716 (TAG) JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes apother prggram and we q1 be with you next week at the eame time . . . . And Fred, it was nice reminiscing :, Oh say, Jack, we forgot . FRIDto tell them abqut that tlmewe played in Burning Stamp, Arkansas . Remember that insulting audience? JACK: Oh yea, I remember while we were doing our act, the audience threw pennies on the stage and yeu complained to the manager . FR&D:And when they stopped, you complained to the manager . JACK: Yeah _C9me,Pn, Fred, letI s go t and get a cup of coffee . . 'OlC'J ~I- JACB: See you later, Rochester . (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) AN!A. HGti? VGc (SI9GS) THERE'S`NO\SINESS LI KE SH OW'BUSI SS LIRE NO SIISINESS, I KNOW THOSE TWO GUYS Az'iE SUPPOSED TO HaTE EACH OTF ER I FEUDING ALL TBE TIME ON RADIO ( BUT't'~HEY HINO[J WHAT `AiSEY'RE DO ING , BELIEVE ME,SROTIII? I ~' IT'S MAI E THEM FAMOUS AND LOADS OF DOUGH . . . DA DA A4 DA ----- (APPLAUSE & MUSIC) 4 19 TD401 0t83r7? ------~ DON: The Jack Benny Show tonight wes written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackeberry, and . produced ,and transcribed by Hilliard Msrks . Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for.the time . The Jack BentLp Program was brought to you by Iucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . IiT ;+i 0 '1 0 783718 P7naR .:1t r34r R?9IE;.D. ~SCniPT AiO;RICnPi-TOEACCU COnsPA:rY LU^I(Y STRIXE TI7B JACK B .NIsY ?RUG@ACi SUNDA`I bL?Y 3 1953- CBS ~ ,-, ) ;. :OO-Z :30 PDi °DT 953) SAN FR6NCISCO,CALIFOHST'i AT 8 01 0183720 T HI; sACa. e.aNnY = .°.oGRAw ,., r^Ax 3, 1 53 ' (TRANSCRIBED9 APRIL 28, 1953) . 0 xiNING CO%14APRULIL WILSON : THE JACR 3ENPSY P80GRAh . . .TRAIISCRIHTD APID PRF98ENTED DY . LUC . .Vl' STBII:E : (PAUSE) ^riends .,,,nothins - no,nnths-n~,= beats better taste! And remesmber . . . COLLIN3 : Luckies taste better CHOHUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLINS : Luckies tasto bet~ea CAORIIS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother For Lucky Strike means 'inc tobaeco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better CfIDRUS : C .eaner, £resher, sm^other Lucky Strike Lucky Strike 7JILSON : This is non 1'rilson . You know, as far as your smoking enjoyment is concerned, there's ,just one bir difference betmeen c= ;-arettes . -^_hat difference is -- better taste! :Iothing -- no, r.othin¢ beats better taste : Asd Luckies taste better . . . . cleaner, fresher, smoother . Duckies taste better because in the first clace LSIP :rrT -- Luclr,- Strike noans fine tot :acco . . . . fine, light, naturally mild :obacco . Then, i=ac ;fies are made better te tasSe better -- round cnd fi^m and £u11y necked to d~acr freely and smoke evenly, :nd l.ere's another fact that's impartent to you as a smoicer . . . .every ID,aek,P you sr.,oke is real ~'-y fresh becacse erery oack is extra ti_htl^ sealed to l :eeP in the natural freshness of fine tnbacco . Yes, Luckies are fresher . . .,just smoke 'em and see! 19 rxo( 0 as 7 2 1 0?ENIN7 C0 :"'TECI9L (continued) B At : 11ILSON : See nhet eejoynent 7ou .¢et from a eigarette thatrs msae to taste better, and still has all its better taste when you snoke it . . .because it cones to you £reshl So, friends, for the kind of snoking you really uvant-- get the better taste of Lucky Strike . . .and get it freah : COiLISiS : Luckies taete better C?ID°US : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . . . .Lucky Strike Lucky Strike . 19 7>{07 0 183?22 (FIRST ROUTINE) ( A FTE R C07+P17HCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) , IDON : ?ROi4 SAiI RF;A,'dCISCO, CALIFOP.NI .'.,'I~ LIICKY STP.IZ.E PROG ~ S2-9RING JACX BFNNY . . . . . '7ITR ~"Ay :IVING3TOPJr', ROCID :'STL'R, . DEFRRS DAY, BOn CROS ;Y, 1i'D "IpURS TRULY" DOi`J CffLSON . ( .'1P7L\IISfi ...... USIC UP AND D(PVN) ' DOw : LADIES :VID G.`.S^LE6FIP1 ...... iS YOU :?ROB .'.BLY %NO,V, OUR LITTLE STiR IS CIIRRETTI^LY .PPE1RIi;G AEME L7 SAN FRYdCISCC iT TF-C CIIRR:N T' .i%.'iTP.. . _ J1C& : At popular prices ...... Continue, Don. DON : „ IT HAS BSEIi S1ID TFLIT S.iJl: BEA?:f Pf.;S [?fiDs MGRE PEOPLE L.iIIGL+ Ii7 TLTS TOWN T9MF. :'_a OT'.i7i CJLT'.~.DI .N . . J.;CP: : That's righto I DON : AND iiOSI I' D LIf2 T0 93ING YOU ?'Hi iA .'LJ d4H0 S3ID IT, _~ J1CiC BENNV. . . ( .hPPL1iJ5E) . SiC :'. : 'Ta^.al : vou, t ._an :• you, th^.r~: poun.HeJ~wi,_o,' e--ain, this is Jas:c Benny, and D n, oons'_¢eri l e th^t we're doing tlis sho ' town, a awap from our home _ don't thin3 that was mucS of an ir.t^oduction . s t`ie -latter with you lately . .you'ro aiways p>cicing on mp inbroduc~ia~ JACi : ce, . Just once when yau ir.'.rod ~t°. ~ csn t Iou ss:y so te ' ;*n^ com nk.°.r_y` DO iTrank1-;, Jack, I dun'E c :re what I say aScut you . I J7.CT : ':':'hat?. ti rnor 07 83723 DOIi : You he rd me• .why should I say nice things about a man who's z,oing to fire me? JACK : For, heaven's sak.es, I'm not gointg to fire you, E DO?I : Then vihv did you buy me a one=any ticket to San Francisco? .T'.CF: Pectuse I couLdn't get reservntions hack . •.h Svas_n't .anY space J.1CK : Look, if you don't beiieve ne . .then get your ouvn trensportation back to Los lmceles and charge it to me . f DO_'? : Ok2y .,,I'm going to meke reservation e~ for my return - { trip on the T .W . ;, bus . JACK : 3us? . .Look, Don . .the i .A•i.. is an ai.rp] .ene, it flies . D02? : '_ict ahen IIm bn it . Jl.CIC : 54-~?r;thn','s rieht, Don .xahcn you're on n p1 .•vte, itts 2 bus . . :via7 ^eu're on e tra=n, it's a sub1my . . .7ou can che.ne_e anyt3 :ng I:•c•es-a.--Oh, .*.cllo, 9ob . HOP. : Hel1o, Jack . .P'ya, folks . (uPE) BOB : I'n sorry I ' m late, Jaclq Cut = ti= m.r mi£e =nd I didn't notice n'"t -3me it vvas, J:C7: : DILI '2?vt's all rig4t, Bob . DOB : Gosh, I sure miss the fmnil• : . . .I mas so lonely I felt zlet like cclLn,c Juno and having her fly up here v+itkyjthe kids . JlCI : : p "ic'_l, vrhy didn't ;ou? I don't icno,.a . .1Ymo vxeeke in a hotnl vxitn my "ife and fivc kids^,^,'z .^,t 4}uvid run ir.to quite a hit of :noncy . 19 rx 01 01 s 3724 JACK : ~j A,~t Bob, .!cu I re mita me . . .if You mias your wife end five chi'dren, I insist th ::t aou call them and lhavc them come up here .,I?11 pav for it . BOB : The trip? A J?CK : No, the call . . .dnymay, if you~re lonosome,ri.roceup7Np your time . .Ro around . .see the sights . BOB: ^:hatls what I've been doina for the past few dsys vrith the boys In the band . J.lCK : tY~~ Good .are the felloc;s gettine a kick out o£ San W ~F~ranyc~isco? EOB : ~'a- but I think this town has Remley confused . confused? BOB : 7enh . .we were ail s:cllcinL along ?.[av-.cet 5 car..e to the corner of 1:4arket and Powal turn the cable c^.ra aroand . / Ot. ;'es .I1ve seen t'-.ose turn-tables . took one look at i t and 3elled, "He^, di~ that ar^_s7 reco^d plnJer .u ,f, CK : No . BOB : Yeah . .he stsged t4cro for "cve d^_7e . .ho ivasnlt e_onna ~q1_e~t~..v~e till thay pln-cd "Dct_ie in the Windorv ." Ic .•vo? ^or hc'•.vcn's v:hat did ycu doF BOB : C:c rot tL•e notorm^.^. to bark three times :md ?rr.nkic ur.s haro'r . } 1 A r;K 01 0183725 2C~ lnd :mather thing that's amazed Remle ;y in 0an Francisco is all the steep hills . J.:C'C : l7hat do you mean? BOB : It's the first time that Fr^nkge's Secr(soborand th ci - cockeyed . J1C:: : You ca sa;,r that again . . .An;px , I'm glad that the musicians e having a goo time here . BCB : Oh , they are, acz . .an tomorrow morning you and the entire east are a' invited to the Ba ;1 Brid ge . J.CK : Ir•rited to the --,• B'c¢e? PJt-4t for? BOB : To e,^_tch Bag f fump JSC{ : You mean .arlie Ba :b BC3 : Yeah . J.".OK : Wa minute, Bob . .= know that Da bg has certain culiaritiee .,,I can understand him sring gloves hen he plays the p iano because he doesn" w ant to lca-vo hia £inecrprints on any :hirg . . . .L can undarstar_d hic not ever santing to sit in a chai bcc .;uee of t':o __as n :.clc died . . .BUt rrh7 should wv.t to jump o°f tlm Baf Drid~c? IIe did i` ?esterd^."r ^.'Sd ':.e liked it . JAUS : Liood it". ., .._ . hin! J:Ji( : "e1.., th^.t is or.c of the silliost-=61-..»q.s -- - (aouN D: K!;oC K or.r DnoR) S1CIC : cc*r I y . (d0II'::D : D00^i OPDi1S) H}-7i07 4578~~72E - 5 - GISELLE : Hello, Jack. JiXK : IYELL, GISELLE" P4ACXERZIE . (1P.LAJS~E~ ) , JACK : U21 ~^e1lo Ias, y ou know Giselle, don f t you? DO*_I : CertainlF, Jack . She l s appearing with 3ou at th e / Curran Theatre here in San Francisco . JACK : At popular prices .,',d she's very good, too . :.u ou now, Giselle and I are old friends, l7e were on ~ I GISELLE : '1-~t l s right. % DOI' : Gisel1e, st tell you horv much I enjo7ed you on Jack a stee_e sno I wasthere '_as GISELL3 : Thaaks, Dor.. .I .sa•r 7ou .,the theator . + DC?7 : You serv me : .But I wns all thi+a7 back in the last / rom,-' GISELL'•: : 'Yes ., in seate sever, eight, nine acd ten . JdCIi : Ylait a minute . .thereTs en nisle between se and nine . OTISELLE : I know . .hc lockefl lllm ta ~J1ClC: H n t^i 1- J'n CISPLIu : Say, Jack . .I ,)ust dropped in to scc if you had that crr^.n;--= :a for thc no•rz nuetbcr 7ou ci^r:t mc to try on 9cturdzyls mntinec . JiL C[i : vh my gooflncas, I forgot it4 .I'11 otci and lmva kochcstcr brin_ thc .arra.nROment over to gou, R1M01 0 983i27 -6- j If3ELLS : 01 I'11 bc at the t'+entre, tell him to caPmy dressing room before hc comes . SACK :You . .you have a phone in pour dressing room at the Curran Theatre? i I GIS°LIE : Yes . .I asl :ed the mnnager for one and he put it in . JACP : That's Punn7 . .I asked the manager to nut a nhone In $1. .m...ar-~ mY dressi.ng room and hc turned me dovin . . .Emml~ .xhat~oe ! you got that I haven't got? GI3I9LLB : Nothing, but Irm ~suo-no-~s-ed~p to walk that way . SdCK : .111 rip.ht, T4 --,-4~Ai o I'll go out in the hall and call Rochester . .Therc's a p_wne booth out there . . I'l1 be ri,ht b2ci< : CO''PL?:. (30li",ID T_CTST3P5 . JOOH OPriZS Z : CLOSES . . .i00TSiEPS) S1CK : 6ce, that ~3iselle is ^ cuto .7irl . . .So pretty„ too . . : thintc e ..e likcs me . . .Lnat r.i,ht after the show she came into m~ dressine raom and rsn her Pin^ors throug :. _ny hair . . .3c;, w^.s s?m surnrised ~ahen I-walked iin and cau¢bt her doinc it . . . . .I thir'_ P 11 have one nado out of mink . .worccn tovc i ti . . (SCCi^ : . ., ., .3 ._, .~ ; STOP) .-"C_C : ELvn . "^`icrcls sonoona in the phone booth . . : (SCII:D : FOOTBT=S) d°: r thlt I'm '.orc I . o .methina nouv qbout it-- Ycatnri L T,.ind ut -- v'.i4 ~ 'or'a n^r..c is ~ nson . .I nliv^,7s t :zIur_ht it ~; ;s Dim Ar.u 01 01 e 37 < 8 - 7 - , (SOUND : DOOR 6PE ?IS) - =OB : . Did you make your ca11, Jack? , JACK : teo o"there was someone in the booth, P11 call lnter . GISELL E : We11 then, I ' d better run along . S:CK : ©l~l Just a minute, Gisclle . .you don l t think the audience hcrc is going to 1et you get away without singing a sOn.g , do you? GISELi,g : But Jack, my contract with you calls for me to appcar with 3ou at the Curran Thcatre . .not to sing on your radio show . ,y} ~ A~ J:.CK( ~~ You're mistakan, Gisol_eyFPthee contract specifies , that you're to sine_ on my radio program, toa . It's the last cleuse, GISBLLE : Oh, so thst's cnc a t St~at-Chinesc vmitin S was . JlCK : L°.ci ;er is One LonE., Loop :?o1c . . .S!m.v ge ahead and sing, hono:; : .( 1PPL .USE) (GISELLE1S SOYG -- "PP,3TL`7CD") (aPPL:^JS&) H rx 0 ) 0 183T22 (SECOND ROUTINEI . . JACK : That^"wa~s wonderful, Giselle .Yen& I really want to thank you for appearing on my program . GISELLES Ting loo won choy Poo ahow heng moy toing . JACF.: Oh, you waat your money , eh? GISELLE : How do you like that . I just took a wild guess . JACK : (LAUGHING) That's real outey Giselle „(TC AU7)IENCE) You knowa folks, we had t,~hye~e wtoughest,time getting that Chinese: line past the -&aom,--a+ayx.a '~-}em . . .Anyi^:ay--Ch hello, Mary, 4NRY : Hello, Jaok . .Hia kids, (APPLAUSE ) , yaa- JACK: we11, Mary, how are you en,joying yourself r n Ean Frenolsoo7 1 ..+ ~ , MARY : Oh, finep ,Tack, .but the £unniest thing happened yesterLay, JACK: What was it? MARY : I got on the aable car at tho oorner of Market and Powell and when I gave my fare to the motorman, he barked at me three times . JACK : Nn . MARY : If you denct beliero mep ask Rem'_ey . He was lying right 8herean the sidewalk : Mary, a man with his eyes. JACK clvsed is not a witness . MARY: Chy hello, Giselle . GISELLE : Hello, Mary . Nrx 01 01 e3 ; 30 _q,. MARY : ~Giselleg havc you been having a good time in San Francisoo? 3ISELLEd~jA wonderful time, Mary„IPvo been everywhore .,By the way, have you boon up to the Top of the Mark yet? MARY : Well, Jack promised to take me up, but he still hasn ' t, ~w~,,,~ ~"" ' a afraid JACK: No .,I m little to go up there . I got dizzy,.j Str*a high . l o sI3ELL8< Jack, it isn : He's talking about:t~- s7ARY the prioes : Oh stop . . JACK . 7ISELLE : Say Jack, when are you going to get mo that musioal aarangcment you want me to rehearse? o get back to Hollywood, I want to speak to yo}t.-sbout ring with me on one of xqy telavisi.on sh" sa ~ 3ISELLE : Your t~-rision show4 j JACK : Yes . .I hava-t~greatest idoa foD~Ehis particular show . .At the very apening I o ouj-p''aging tkw part o_^-- VL'.RY : Say Giaelle, how sbout." ou~arl.d I hsvirg lunch tomorrow? }I9ELLE : Okay, .and then we'can go shopp~ir\.g . SdC3 : Kow Gisalla, -ln this televisicrn shown I p- the part of-- URY : I' ve Lenoa lot of shopping lrea¢y .,Ha-~e you soe he spring alothes theylre showing hero? FI9ELM :~~See them? I already bought twn of the darlingest suits at ~ I , Maison Mendassolle . R TJS 0 1 0 7 8 3 ? 31 MAR . I got a dream of an evening gown at Magnina . GISELLE : You JHCKe Now in this show\` i MARY : It's chartreuse and the to v covered with sequins, JACK : In this show I oluy~tho parb of a c'nart e . .and therets a sequin ero I-I mean a scene where I-- . . .Oh, heavens es, girls, .Wt~y dontt you lot me talk . Well . Jack, I hate to bring this up again y but if I l m going 0 JdCK : Ch yes . .excuse me , kids~ I' m going out and phone the hotel . .DOOR OPENS . .MORE . (SOUNDO COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS FOOTSTEP S) ` 7ACK : (SINGO OVER FOOTSTEPS) o...`~- .,„~ - -- (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS STOP) 7ACK : Oh goad . .therets no one in the phone booth, (SOUND : FL.CEIV&R UP) --°a. .+,,.~b-~-- (SOUND : DIME IN PHONE) TACK : Now 1©tts see . .v+hat's the number of tho Fairmont Hotel .o . Oh yes . .Douglas two-eigbt-eight hundre .'. ., (SOUND : DI;ILLING SEVEN TIMES . .RUZ~ING OF PHOH•E . .RECEP) ER CLICK) R1M 0 7 01 63 7 32 IRIS : Fsirmant Hotel, Nob Hill, .ovorlooking the Bsy in San i Francisco . JACK : Operator--0`1a- 't`'a'~~ I IRIS : Every room suited to your taste .,baohelor apartments, bridal I suites, coffee shop and!sp~ac.i~ou~s lobby . JACK : operator-- D-',L IRISa Elevator service, room servios~ tailor shop, jewelry shop, and radio in every root1me JACK : Operator-- ~- ~ n ~`~-~ - IRIS : klso writing paporo pon and ink and combination writing desk that Yolds up into a .dresser : Operator, will you please-- . ~JACK SRIS : Daily rates, weekly ratesn monthly rates, and traveler t s checks cashed without question . JACK : No•ru look-- IHIS : wap-n San Francisco, the only place to live is the Fairmont Hotel, Nob Hill overlooking the Bay . JACK : OPz'RATCR . .OPSR.TCR, IR+I TRYING TO C-ZT-- I IRIS : I'm sorry, your three minutes are up , goodbye6 (SOUND : LOUD CLICK OF RECEIVER) (IRIS WALKS .1W s ~¢~' " ~ S~ JACK : This I AYdon't undersvand ) d^`at all . . th at was ny last dimco . Wo11, I'll hava to go back in the studio and borrow one . (SOUND : FOOTBTEP3 . .DOOR OP'c'NS) RT X 07 0 7 83 733 MARY : Did you make the eall p Jack? JACK : No>,I had trouble with the operator and I used my last dime . MARY : Why don't you try using your first one? JACK : Now cut that out . .Has anybody got a dime? DON : Here you are~ Jack . JACK : Thanks . .IP11 be right back . (SOIIND : DOuR OPENS & CLOSES) k biARY : (LADGHS) ~Si.~•:= . What are you laughing at, Mary? MARY : You know, ~ Jack always has trouble wherever he goes . BOBe 4a,~I didn't know he had any trouble here in San Franoisco .-Meirg 6fARY : Oh j then you don't know what happened to him yesterday morning . BOB : No . MARY : Well , wait till you hear this . .oJaok was asleep in his suite I at the hotel and Rochester was getting ready to wake him up . (TRANSITION MUSIC) ROCH : HOSM . .IT'S ALMOST TIN'5 FOR REER':ARSr_Lj I BETyyR GO IN AND 4VAIC THE BOSS UP . . (APPLAUSE) ROCH : BUT T HI N H3'S BEEN DOIN' 90 MA NY SHCM3 , fw HnEDS A LITT LE I REST . (SOUND : PHOPi'c RINGS . .RECEPiER UP) I RT'rd 0 1 0 98373 4- ROCH : HELL0.. .MR . B3NNY t S ROOM . .STAR 0F STAGE, SCREEN, RADIO, AND TELEVISION . .BUT MLLI WORK FOR ANYTHING THAT JINGLES, FOLDS, OR HAS A TRADE-IN VALDE,,,WHC I S CALLING? . . . . .THE HOTEL MANAGER ...... I KNOW THIS IS A CL.4SSY HOTEL ...... I KNOW IT HAS A NICE CLIENTELE...... OKAY, I ' LL TELL HIM . (SOUND : RECEIVER DOVdN) ROCH : DOGGONE, MR . BE?7NY9S JUST GOTTA STOP IiANGINI HIS LAUNDRY CUT THE '9IND0'N . . .I DOWT MIND IN THE WINTER . .BUT IN THE SPRING, THAT LONG UNDER'NEAR LOOKS RIDICULOUS . . . . OH-OH, LOOK WHAT TIME IT IS . .I BETTER WIAKE HIM UP . (SOUND ; FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS) JACK[ (SNORES TWICE) ROCR ; lu[Y MY . .JUST LOOK AT HIM~THERE . .SO NICE AND PEACE(j ;Z. ` (SNORES) Oh, Ava . .Kiss me, Ava (•6?iBRE9•) Come hare . Lana•/t.~Iet me put my arms around you . .(SNORES) . . .Come hero , Marilyn, kiss me, (A.,,<...,....~ ROCH : Iiu^ IEE H^cE . ."lfL1TA MAN . .HE LIVES LIXc A LAMB AND DREAMS LIKE A IVOLFi JACK : (SNORES) ,Ae.n+t _ , `.ua. I ROCH : BOSS, BOSS, RfAKE UP . .l4o-..B msaia-`-'i'"wr,"~L-° ~ .•• .. ., ._.. . JACKE ~Hd93~5N9RS)r. .Buh? .ddihat? . .Oh. .Oh, itts you, 3ochester . ROCH : YEAH . .HO'W DID YOU SLEEP? JACK : Oh, not so goxd, that dog In the next room was whining all . night . =magine a dog being in the next raom .uT.Z ) ROCH : WELL, YJU BETT3R GuT DRESSED, BOSS . .YOU'LL BE L:.TE FOR .~/+ ...~ ~3EHE]RSAL (Jo r9 r X0 1 0 119-4 ; 3 s -fb ~ I JACK : Gh, ¢fr, I've been so busy I forgot . 40CH : SELL, I BETTER CiaLL DOSJNSTAIRS AND GRDER YOUR BREAKFAST . JACH : Okay, (SOUND : RECEIVER UP) ROCH : , . . . . .OPER6TOi?, GET ME ROOM SERVICE, PIE .iSE . . . .,R00M SER07CE, THIS IS NR . BENi^_'1S ROOM . . .SEND UP SOME GBAPEFRUIT JUICE . . SMb.LL GL:.SS . . . . POT OF COFFEE . .SMALL POT . . . .A BOWL OF CEREAL . . ' . SMdLL BO°Z . .IlND MAKE OUT TH~E CHECK 24HLE YOU I RE IN THAT SMALL MOOD .o .AND YOU BETTER SEND~A COUPLE OF FRIED EGGS . . . THAT"S RIGHT . (SCUND : RECEIVER DOG'N) ROCH : OK:.Y . 20 . BENvY, I ORDERED YOUR B2~AKF:.ST . JACK : Good . .Now, Rochestes-- (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) ~~ J:\CK : Hm, who ca_n that be . .I'11 answer the doar . .Give me my robeA~ -Reeiqasbex ..-- ROCH : F,FiRE YOU 1RE, BOSS . (SOUND : FE'7 FOGTSTEPS . .DC03 OPENS) JaCK : '?'e11 . .Bob . .Giselle .,Come on in . EOB: Jack, Giselle snd I have a number that we wrote some special 1Sries for andA w e mar, t you to hear it . I Rrx 0 3 0 183?3 E _ I$ _ JACK : A special song, ehT,q .Gisello, does it 'ne Lanything4about L3MFT It certainly hae . I'll 1lstetfyro'ehead , kids . 19 TMU7 0 7 8 3 7 37 (INTRO) GEC .-ZU'F IT ' S GRE.:T AFTER BEING 0lPP LATE ':VaLKIN I MY BABY B.;CK HOME . . ARM IN aRM OVER MADOP7 AND FARM ::4iL'LIN MY ffi.BY BACK HOME . ':E GO ? IANG HAF.MONIZING A SONG OR I ' M RECITING A POEM OWLS GO BY AND THEY GIVE ME THE EYE n'ALKIN I MY BABY BACK HOME . 'IDE STOP FOR AWHILE ' 4BE-G IVE$ ~M.Ew ~A--SMILE I SNUGGLE-HEAD TOVC~HISST '.".'E START IN TO FE~T AND THdTIS 'SHEN I GET ~ }~ ALL OVF.H '1'~' t1DST . ~A'FTER~I KINDA STP.:;IGF'PEN MY TIE TO BO°.RO'N MY COMB ONE KI55 THEN -T CONTINUE AGAIN WALKIN' PdY BABY BACK HOME . GEE, BUT IT ' S GRE A T AFTER BEI NG OUT LATE PUFFING .; LUCKY BACK HOME . JUST CaN'T °:AIT AFTER LEAVING MY DATE PUFFIN t ;, LUCKY BACK HOIDIE . SITTING THERE IN MY FAVOFITE CEAI3 SOON I t LL BE NODDING MY DOME ftt- :K07 UtS'3i'38 1 -16- 3 BUT IT'S FUN PJHEN TBE LONG DAY IS DONE PUFFINI A LUCKY BACK HOME . IT SE'EMS ONLY FLIR TO TEAR 14 .,VI AND COMPARE EXAMINE THE SMOKE TYAT YOU LIKE YOU ' LL SEE LiHY 4VE SAY GET LUCRIES TODAY BE HAPPY AND GO LUCKY ST3IIE TELL YOUR FRIENDS LUCKIES HAVE NO LOOSE ENDS STRIP DO?fN ALUCKY AND SHOW I EM THEN YOU'LL SEE JUST EObi HAPPY YOUtLL BE PUFFING A LUCKY BACK HOME. (APPLAUSE ) HTXCJi 07ta,.~'ii39 -1,- (THIRD ROUTINE) JACK :I That was~ell,nell, kidsa u 9_ BOB : Y1fY~IAthoug~ yould like St, Jaok, JACK ; Ne~1l,%I'11 see you later, Bob, at the radio rehearsalJ GIBELI'a'11 see you tonight, Jaek, at the Curr•sn Theatre . JACK : At popular prioes,,,So long, Bob . . .Goodbye, Giaelle . GISELLE : BenLbye, BOB : 3o long . . (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES) JACK: Now Rochester, I•r+ant to wear my blue suit tonight at the , theatre, so ploase press it .>A -yu Z• ~, I ~ ROCH : HUT E033, YOU KNOSP TI E Y FL1V;' VAIET SERVICE IN THIS HOTEL,, DO& I T YOU? JACK : Of course I know, but what do you think P ve got you for? ROCH : ME? JACK : Yes, you, G9CH : !YELL .,LISTED ALPR1aBETICALLY . .ATTENDl+NP, ACTOR, AUTO NECHn9IC, EAHBER-- JACK : Look-- F,aCH : BARTENDER, BUTLER, BODY GUARD, BELLHOF, BUS 60Y-- JACK : Look, Rochester-- ROCH : CCCK, CIiiUF7EDR, COMPANION, OF_aR ^/JIv1AN, CHAMBER Mi .ID-- JaCii : Roohkester, that's enough, R9CH : T GOT MORE BUREaIIS T3AN THE F°_DE? ;.L GCV E RN1v[ENi't J9CK :1'y~ ~P.oohastar,~atop with that t.a1k :mA stsrt presaing ay blue sult, R 1,1810 1 0 79374. 0 -1 - P.OCH: OK;Y . . . (DOOH"•Jfl.N, DISH'AASHEH, DUSTEH--) JACK : ,5i~-Rochester , atop complaining, you"( o do so muµ ROCH,: ALL I KNOW IS . .ANY TIME SOMEEODY ASKS ME TO SHAKn,tHANDS, I GOTTA PUT SOMETHING ;A'NNt TACK : Now you know that's not true . . .Anyway, I t ve gotta-jp~ - (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) JflCK : COieL IN . ' . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) I ( MEL : Duhh, room service~~%w~-i~+t~h~,C5our breakfast, eir . nh ood~t it,rig t hvrc e the table . c~ g~ Y- a.~aw~~., ~(SOUND : RATTL& OF DISiLS) . JdCK : Gee,. it looks good . .and I'm really hungry . MEL : There you are, sir . .and here's the cheek . JACK : OU ARE . t ME TO CfALL YOUR ACCOUNTANT? _ .~.. . ..--. ~--~ . .Now letrs see . .lN&'tT? . .A DOLL4R AND FORTY CENTS? . . :9HY, TH:.T'S OUT2iGE0US ROCE : Ne1Ni' ME TO CALL YOUR LA'.`IYEH? JACK : No . One Long Loop Ho1e is eut of town . . . . l+7aiter, how in the wcrld could this be e dollar and forty centa . . .Let :s see . . thirt•-£ive cents for orange tuioe . . .Isntt that cwfvily high? MEL : Well, you see, sir : we den ' t grow oranges here, they onme Yrom n'_orida . J:1CK : So what, I donjt hnve to pay for their vacations . H r ;so I 0183741 - 1~- _~,1 _ E ' j , 7 L : I m ust the waiter sir. Indon l t have anything to do with the prices . JACK: nnd look at this . .two , jjr , eggs sixty cants, y b, you realize that ' s thirty cents an egg? . NIEL : Yes sir . JACK : Thirty cents fox• one little egg, .what :a in an egg that could make it worth thirty cents? IDC;L : '.Aell . it's a whole day*s work for a chicken . JACK: ~{ That ' s a very old joke . HIe.L: /}h'RN`1I thought itwas funny when Ipeard it last night at the Curran Theatree : At the Curran Theatre? MEL . JACK : At popular prioes : I Nnowy I'maw .,.Now. JACK let's see . .twenty cAnts fdr a pot of co£fee . 74e1l . that's all right .s~. .Hey, what :n that extra ~~/~ quarter for? MEL :/[ry-d)That+s a twenty-five cent charge for serving maals in the rooms . SACK : Ch„77e11 . open the door, 1111 eat it out in the ha1': . MEL :~~hat won't help , sir . JACK : All right, all night, .,*F, tPrn it . .I didn1t order snything to have with my coffee . . .R'aiter . what would you suggest? 67EL : '.Nelly we have doughnute . Danish Pastry . French Toast, and Cime.ron rolls . -n'~ J.~C[i : SNe11, never mind . .It11,1dtlrinc my coffee without anything . R7XtJi 0 793 742 M;L : Okay, goodbye .µ-~ ~6 JACK : 'N=:it a minute^,h" ere :s a tip for you . MEL : Oh boy~ this is vronder£ul, thiz]> marvelous, . thank you . ' thank you, so much. . .youtre so very generouse JACK : ^fait a minute~ I only gave you a nickel . MEL : (SING3)A69ORU S NOT PAPPY . JUST PRETE:7D . .,DA DA DA D:. DA-_ J;:CK : Oh, get out o£ herei Q ,i~^-'~~7N17 ~• ^D~QOA CLOSv'.,S) JACK-~/M1aNnow . Rochestrer, ~~.et+s-- (SOUViD : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK1 -9 :mr I wonder what he Porget . .CO7.0 IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) MARY : 3a11o . Jack . TACK : Oh, Mary'• .I thought you were the waiter . .I didn't expect to ees you till rehearsal . Mil3Y : T:a11) I cam© over because I wanted to oee you alone, JACK : 'iJhy : .anythi .g wrong? IDL13y : Not exactlya .but I was looking at the script for 8undny~s progras.aand Jack , I wish you T d te11 your writers to stop writing things about my sister Babe . She ' s sensitive> T3CSC: 8ut Mary-- bLa3vc Liko the thing theyae got in this script . .I t m suppesed to say that it takes Bnbe longor to meke up her £ueo becauae she has to powder her noses . JACK : But Mnxy .,Ita just a joke . MwRY : L£ thoy want n jokc, lat them mak©Aaomathing v~. r,rx 0 7 o7 93174-1 -21-/- T JACK : All right . I' ll spoak to them . 4 .Rj.•+~ ~T ~MARY : And another thing . .I noticeJ in going through the ecript . . you plan to play your violin on the program . JACK : Thatts right, Ifm going to play my violin . ROCH : AG'Ifi? • JACK : Yes , again. IDL4RY ; Oh Jack , nobody rmnta to heer o play "Love in Hlooe ." av J,iCK : Mary, I've learned a ne•9x~one,q.^Pretend .",~'naitn I'L get my viclin en~p~ it for you. P.CC - iPRE IT IS , BOS^o • (JACK PLINKS ON VIOLIN STRINGS) I (JACK FL:ilS TF!2BF LINES OF " PRSTEND" ) I ?rf•L :. ST.'aRTS SJH_ IL*I$ ~~{~_:c.~g~ f2tL~ BcT~I m Lotm~ _-..m LOtmEa) LiUSB _~FNln PL:iYOFF) ~ H1'M 01 1.~76'3744 FIRE PR3VENTION ALLOCATION N:\Y 3, '-953 (TR. .NSCRIBED uPR.IL 28, 1953) 'R'ILSCN : Ladies and gentlemen, our forests are among our most vital resourees . Last year through carelessness forest fires destroyed millions of acres of valuable timber . Thia shameful waste weakens America . . .protect our forestsi Don t t toss away lighted matchea .or cigarettes . Make sure every campfire is completely .out . Remember, only ou oan prevent forest firost Thank you . (:aPP Li_U3e^. ) iVILSONe Jack will 'oe back in ,justs moment, but first . . . . . nothing-- no, nothing -- beats bctter tastel And remember . . . . . Hi'i{07 0783 7 45 T HE JACK BENNY PROGHAPil MAY 3, 1953 !TRi.Ti3CRiBED APRIL 20, 19$3) r,Iq3LNl} COrML'ACIAL COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHOHU3 : Cleaner, freaher, smoother CCLLINS : Luckiea taste better CH01U3 : Cleaner, fresher, emoother For Lucky Strike moans fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLIIdS : Luckies taste better CHOBUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Lucky 3trikeLueky 3trike I NIL90N : When it comes to real smoking enjoyment, nothing -- no, nothing -- bcats better tasteL 3nd Luckies taste better -- \ cYeaneT , fresher:-smoothars Here,s whS• Luckies are made better to taste better . They T re made round and firm and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke e'renly, An3 Luckie= . also tacte better because theylre mF_de of fine, mi1d, good-tasting tobacco . Better taste in a cigarette must atart with fine tebacco, and LS/rtFT -- Lucky Strike maans fine tcbacoo . aamombas$ friends --,only fir.e tobacco in a netter-mar,e cigarette, caev give you the better taste of Lucky Strike . ."_o for yotir on,m reril. 2.eep-down anoking . cnjeymont be hsppy -- go L~ckyl P6nke your next sarton . . . better-tasting Lucky Strike : SP0?T31'BN QUA4`"'LT : Re Happy -- Go Lucky Get better taste todayt 19 7 X O7 0 1 83 7 4Ci ( r.,G ) 23 - J.^.CK : Ladiesh,and L:entle:^un, tFat concludes another program and noxt Sunday we'll be doinE another broadcast from 3an Fraccisco . . .I want to thanl : 7isel.le :fficAenzie for nppoarirrm on my show tonight . 3ISELL: :n#JA4t was a plessure, Jack . . .and don't forgct to tell the people about ;Tour stage s`bauv . JsCK : Oh yes . .ladies and zcntlemsn, sae'll still bc at the Curran Thcztre for another week . GISSLLL~' : .lt popular nrices . J.CK : Yes yes . . .Goodnight, folks . (APPLuIIBE AND TNSIC) DON : The uack 2cnn7 S ::mv was written h7 Sam Perrin, Milt Jose£sber2, Ccorge Balzer, John Tackaberr,i and produced and transcribed by 3illiard Marks . Be sure to hcar The :.merican '.7ay with iiorace i'cidt for iac'c- Stril :o cver;; Thursday over this ssme station . Consult ,-ocr nawsqapcr for the tinc . 4ho Jae__ Beny Pro€nam m .s bvoug :at to you by LucAy Str'_ke, preduct of che American Tobacco Comp~ng . . . Lmerica.'s lasding nanufscturcr of cig ;v^cttcs . R7 9{C1 i 018 3 ? 47' PROGRAi< /r 35 REVISED SCRIPT A:JRIC&ld TOgAr,CO COL[PAPi1 L~CfY STRIE{E T: Jl.C'.! u ! PROGRA1i SIIi:DAY !'AY %0 1953 CBS It :00-u•30 PM PDS (TP1iiSCP33--D APRIL 27, 1953) SA?i ^R.AICISCO, CALIFORPIIA RT7SCl1 0183 i43 '_HE JACK BENNY PROGRALi - A - Sf.AY 10, 1953 (TRATYSCBIBED APRIL 27, 1953) OPEAIS3C C0:9tERCIAL. WILSON ; THE JACK BL'PP?L PROGRAP7 . . .TRUNSCHI3F_'D AAD PR^.SLT1Tt'.~D BY LiJCKY STRIKE! (Pf:JGE) You knoms friends . . .ncthing--no, nothing--beats better taste! And remember . . . . COLI:IaS : Luckies taste better CYORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . COLLI*`3 : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Por Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLR7S : Luckies taste better CHCRUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Luc'ky Strike Lucky Strike l'lIL302d: Have poa smoked a fresh cigarette latel7? You have -- RIL if 7au've smoked a Luck y Strike . For Luck'-es are definitely fresher -- and it takes real fres':ness to brina you deep-down smoking enjoyment . To prove that to yourself just licht up a Luci Luckiea taste better--not only fresher but cleaeer and sr.oother, too . T'1at's because they're made of fine, li~ht, naturally mild tobacco . . . .and because they're made 'oetter -- every Luch V is made round and firm and fully p a cked, to dra:v -'ree17 an?, smoke evenly. . . .and every nac'.c of Luekies is extra ti=ntly scaled to bring you thnt fine tobac c o flavor in all its freshness . C o Be :Iapp3 - Go Lucl :y! Get the bettcr taste ,rou want in a cigarette -- and get it frosh : COLi,l?79 : Lnckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike Lucky Strike ATK 0 7 0 1 83?49 (FIRST ROUTINE) ( .".FTER C0'.~'L'ERCI'4L, D.JSIC UP AND DOli2d) DON : FROS THE Fv".RING 14EfdORI :C `_ . ..''34TRE III Siad FRD.I?CISCO, CALiFOR7IA, Tir_E LUCKY STRIKE P.03Rn ;i, STSRRING J1CiC i EEiPeY . .ClITH 7:1P.° LIVIIDGSTOPIE, ROC-EPS^_ER, DENfiIS DdY, BOB CPLSEY, l:LD "YOURS TRULY" DON (IlPPL.UJSE . .SNSIC L'P fuNID DOWPb) -ure,~c DO[L• L.IDIES AND GDNTL~::21i . .T0?IIGh'P-ti~ERO :DCIlGTING FROM I T.' FIISY'CR1C CITY CF SAN FR:1'r.CIGCC . . .3ail F3Il:ZCISCO . . . I :L'OIl7 TIL GO@LD OVER FOH ITS STd.UTI_JL GOLDEN GP.TE . : 1 ( IT8 LUXURIOUS n ~iLDIidGS . .ITS °XTR?!SIVP i'lItBOR . .ITS . GIG17iTIC i ;iD L .:°RESSI'1r: DRIDGES . .ITS-- J.1CK : By the ti^.e he gets to me, I won.'t mean a tliinE . . . . x Sfow I uno=o '-ow Per1celEg £eels .7bn . uw Q DOA : IF ^__ o C!L' ;7E i ., L:CUT.STCr.[, W~-`-^ gp_Ot7 i07 5.., E Rf:L OF T .nS.^~.~ AGELESS 490DiilERS . .EUT SINCE THIS IS R.'1T I0, -.:m C1W 5RS :"^ YpU o?:LY 02?E .GEiIS9 ~7 0.?D= , ':ND TL'PIC RP E 6i 7y . =+!€d.cCU e-Y ,Zti.b ,~ / l-~ L /(CC[ J' ~ ~ ~4 . Pectt ;: tellcin--, and Don I'm not Caine_ to Sewl you out for t?se.;, introductLon . . .ilot that it vas7't clever, butt everv time someone jokes about my agc, it starts a lona controversy . DON : Controvers•r? JACK : e Yes, I'm thirty-nine and nobody can prove differentlr . DON : yjt~( I dontt Se'_ieve ,! ou'ro thirty-nine and T-'~. 1*oinT3 to chectc with the doctor who delivcrod you . H r .'~ 0 r 01 es ; 50 - Z - ✓ ~, JlIC% : , he died in n`_neteon hundred . . : . ;lnd now, r _ . .. ladies and gontlemen-- -- _ = minute, Jac :: . .if you're t J ~- nt~r"~ine, you woul. d have been 5 Uh huh . .ladies-and-gentlemen-- t's fourteen years after your r died, ho m is that possible ? My parents used a vreegce boardr ., .-arlkt*s drop the sub ;jec n. T&e are plenty of other things to talk r about besides my a g e „ This is my final day at the Curran Thcatre and ? vuant to thank all the people in San Francisco for rnakins me feel so at home . t°ell, they are very friendly here . It's more than that .,TTot only the people, but th e itself .,it remindsne so much of my hom e uzegan . . .Yes sir , 1,'G'_? : Oh .v wait a rd.nute, Jaclc . .i d/on'`~bla:.vo you for beine P ud of your hone toa*a,~ buC let's not b e ridiculous . Hic.iculo•as : . .2re 'kiddzn~? . .Don, mcnt'orvone thing thCh $ .9n rR_ Sco ha t3au i^,Li'C~^:n ?]a911'L ^ot . DO;d : ''/ell . ."+ .¢ye~ docan't hn thc bridpes, the Golden Gate, Pi rmaas !4harf, p.^,ved stroeEs, electric lxohts, /depsrtment stores, matomobilcs, ti ~c1es, trecs, and-- Hrx 01 018 s 7 s 1 J-:CK : HA H1!„I MITE':7 IP' I LET YOII„9;'OU'Z D`.L'.TiG YOIIRS=~P . . high front wheels, ot 'em. . .Nevc^thelcss, I do agree ' °ou ~~ Don! .San Francisco is a boautiful city, andI hate o- lesve . DOt? : I don't blame you . .Clhen are you goint back to Los ~ Angoloe? J1CK : ed i•ashod to go back on the Lark tomorrow night .,but I just couidn't gct ^a rescrvztion . { DORC ~ Jack, Isthink I can heln you with that . J:'.CiL : i'ou ~can? DOT : YeBq. .I can't like to brag, but I carry quite a bit of whi g ht : in'tzi_s tnrrm . . . J2CP, : "'ell, I a'_sh?Eaeid'-----Iba, would you mind repeating that? DO:d : I said, .I carry quite a bit of 'aeight in this ta}sn . S1Ch_ : Ilon, you enrvy so I won't say it, I I cron't s W it,•I've boon doin~- a_ood business at the 6+-w,- . - ,,,cut I've been csllin E; and c^1 _zm c^out 2 reservs•tior. on .he Iark tonig?it hello, I:ary. 11.AF:Y : L'el1o, Jack . (-_PP :_.3J."i ) J1CK : °:arg, hfla ~ t kncr uuhat's cos.c over Ic . but I've never ~ scen po~ look so pretty bcforo .¢Your complexion's so cle^s . .^our cheeks so rosy, .,Have you got on your novi ma2o-up? 1 YtHY: No, .-ou'vc Iot on ~icnan nen glnescs, RTii 0 7 07 8 3 7 5 2 J?C.L• ' Oh, y os yca . . .lnd IIary, I had tSesc e_lasses made esPeciallY for San Francisco . Look at them . D:1R`d : don't sec at~ytaing different . J1CS : . .Look closer. MARY : '•'e11, I'll be darned, windshield wipersl J".C'C : Yes sir . .NOt onlJ that . .presa the little button on the bridge of m7T glasses . . *h~. .~ PsFV. Ok -• bLLRY : Holy smoke! Built-in fog lig_zts! \ ~ J::C3 : Yes sir, there's nothing like--- ::,ar7 . .what're you I sticking your fingcr in :nS ear for? ' 11;.RY: I'm checking your oil. ( J:.CE : Oh, stnp being silly . I DON : 7cll, ?Gsr y , wc l ll soon he lcavin° San Francisco . .Did y n u I have a good time 2crc? 5on;thero's eo cm.ch to dr: .sa much to soe . ___r,d J".C3 : Yee'^. . .I+ret a kick one eve .^-thinq he-re . .oven the litblc tanss likc,the Ceble Cars, Y:'.RY : (L-7?GHS) DON : ':.•hat's so ;i.VY : (L .'.DGrI'_?G)~1'm lauChine at Jack talking about Cable . Cars . .I snw him 7,'estcrda„ mornina_ on PoweP_ 5-.reet . { DCN : }7hat hnnocncd? C41.RY: ''rhen he thaueht no one was loaking, he walked out in the I middle of the street, stuck his 1 f'~c i the ~lej 'aooL•ed it around the cable, and 'se8- n' .1' i11 for nothin g . . RT7{07 07337 53 _ C _ J.lCT: ~~ „IS just did that for .a gag . G!.'3Y : 6F„ Some sag, you were carrying four passengers . { J.4CR : OnB,i three counted . .one had a transfer . .Ao don't be so ,~ smart . / ' ti:L1T' : .DY., I'm only kidding, Jack,,,You know, S'11 be~sor~ leave ' San Francisco .,PJe've been a r3'e~ for quite a while .,cnd yet there ~ so many things wA e'd all enjoy seeing again . . . . The Top of the Mark . DON : Fisherman's CL4ar£ . _ J1CF : The 7.Snt . Pl.4RY : Chinnto w n. . DON : The Golden Gate, J:\Cti : The IDint, Rii ;RY: .,, :7ait a minute~ Jack„are you sure there's a mint in San Francisco? 71CK_ : CcrtainlT . .there are si :c minCS in the United States . ., I They're in San Francisco, Denver, ?hiladelphia, New sork, I nA SeatSle, and New Orloans . i'1RY: G~/ ?sn't tsere a mint in ClasSingtac, D .C .? ",/ I JlC[C : '.!o no, 9 :ary .,bkeer & sniy m'.nts in San Francieco, Denver, Philadelpt>ia, i'em York, Soattrle, and New Orleans . . .4he one in IV ._s4ineton, D . C . is the -ureau of Ealraving . 'dAffi : Oh, that's waore they make the paper money . JIC?( : YE1HfD?JHHI 71.1RY : You kr. vx, it's funny .,'out I've never boon in a mint . I JACK : Well, they are kind of hard to get into , c/wW DON : Mary, if ;ou want to visit the loesi min~ I can arrange it for you . hiACl`! : Ct1 You can, Don? 19 7X07 07 6 37 54 :M -6- DC EL Certainl", I cnrry a lob of woight in this town . d_: ' t".lRY: '.]el :,^that would be -- Don, would yrou mind ropeatine hat? ~w~, ON : I cnrry e iot o£ r+cight in this torvp~4 u!7Don, you carrp---Pto, I won't s .ay i?£!/ ^I aon't snf 11ty. .`^ I'vc got a good summer,job at the 'L.1y Conpan7 .aag I don't m•ant to lose it . E JACK : You're ria_ht, T"ary . . .Anywcy, Ibn .,do you thin :c you can D?P?N~S : Hello, Mr . BeneS . .hollo, ever/bod? . J.?CKr Oh, hel'_o, Dennis . (`.PpL~dJ93) J.:CR : Dennis, I want to crelcomc yov bac2 to the pmgram . .mc missed you last uroeY. . DulTF I3 : ~eGt, Thanks . DON : Po•a come You meren't on the shov'+ last week, Dennis? DIP^_'IS : ~ I cvas sick . ,,~~ v,f~- S",~y~~ YesQ+l recoived qour tclee_ram, .but you never did mention vvhnt was wrong with you . DnN?'IS : Oh, I£elt nvFU"i . . .l had to ha_ve the doctor, s.d ever7thing . .I Had chil'-s and fcver snd tem~crcSU^c and buttr.rFlics in my stom^_ch . J[.Cf : 'Ho kidding . 17hat did t3e doctor do? DHN'IS : He told mo to st,e oat~i.n.~co buttc.^ilics . JACK : .I~ . .You tako :nim,° :°aaz^, ~I tire cas~7 ;7.tJ:uc.a 67::HY: Ok^•r, .bQck . . .Dennis, ut•hcr, did rou rivc in3anPrancisco? 2dII;IC : ~ ~~g Ycstcrdm; norni.np/ ~~ DL :I?Y : (I/L'u ''.'Zpt have 7ou bcen dJin^ aince tYCn? D,P"IS : 19/ I'vc boon s,n ;:nlinS most of ny timc in my la :tol mom . DCN : C'n,~havc -rcu Put n nicc placc : D -1 ,'P 1I3 : Ycaf; I've g ot a room viith hot and cold running . HTSSUI 0183 7 55 _7_ J.1CK . . . :k:ot and cold runninc water? : op• D^NNIS : I ~ -don't know, there isn't any bathroam, rd°C :b . JACK ; Dennis . . .I kno ,,, I'm silly to ask you this . . .and the only possible good it can do the program is that Remley might' 1 laugh, fall off his stool and break his gultar ...,, .But I'm going to ask it any'++ay . DENNIS : Yes sir . J:1CK : First-of all, thoagh, I wcnt to be sure of my facts . . . .Your { hotel room has co water and no bathroom . DENNIS : That's righ_t . J:CK : b7c1l, what do 7ou do when you need a bath? DENNIS : Keep away f^om peaple . J.C .C : 14el1 . . .I asked a stupid question, and stupid answered_i'- RY : My turn, Jack? _ ` / JACK : Yes, you take him . - ~i~ b1:13Y" : Okay~..~e~ynis, you shouldn't~s .te ;fi.n yoar hotel room all the time .,,Yau~s~hyild'¢o%t and nect people . DENNIS : Oh, I .do . . .we S Frnncisco . . .The people here are so . -£riendly and trusting . ~\ PvRY :Trusting? R'hat do you ~,ean, Dennls? prxor oi4s :s 6 - 7 - DD.LiIS : i .. t ni~ht n follow stopped me on the strect and ~santod ~, borrow five dollars, and :v'.zen Ignve it him, he didn', ven ask me m3 name . J1CiL• Oh for ce aven's sal:c, cnnis .,If he ja!-6-n 't got your name, how aill he know who DDPP.'I9 : :de11, hc's stuck :d he money, hi{`him worrg about •_ J.1CT". : Dennis, coJr) ere minute . DcPl^IS : A' J'.CiC : I vianna feol -rour hesd and sce if it's .ri?e enough nick . . . . .Piow Dennis, hocr about sindin_r ,Iour sone? . I DM %iIS : Yes sir . .and bcc^.uso this is i[other's . Da„ I'r. goina to sing '^3our Pdother sind 11ir_e ." J:.C3 : Good . . .Io ahead, '.cifl . A3E) (D3 :'. :?'_S'S SOS'.G-- "YO':R [AT".,=, :..7D ( ^ r=r .::uaa) RTMC)7 STB3r5 : AW -g- (sscouem aoomlNE) JACK : That was Dennis bay singing "Youx Mother an3 Mine" ..fr.l VerY good, Dennis, it was exeellent . And now, ladies and - gentlemen-- DENNIS : I thought several of my notes were flat . ~ JACK : No nofDennia, they were fine . And now, ladies an& I I DENNIS : My enunoiation was horrible . E JACK : *To no, Dennis, it .was perfeot . And now, ladies-atrl f I DENNIS : I thought my phrasing was lousy . { JACK : Dennis, why do you run yourself down like that? ' DENNISt When you're loa.dod with talent, you have to be modest .. { 3ACK : -Ammrmiv.. . .Look, Dennis-- I (30U.'I'J : KNOCK ON DOOR) ( JACK : Come in, (SOUND ' : DOOR OFc1NS) I MEL : Duh, telegram for Jack Benng . JACK : - Thanks,,,Rere, bog, here :s antip for you . I IYEi : Oh boy, a nickel . .now I can go to the Top of the Mark and I have coffee and cimaron rolls . I (SOUND : DOOR SLAMS) J rolls JACK : Gee, they have those cimeron -ebifflg asa+, (SOOND : OFENI?IG OF TEIDGRAM) MARY : Who's the telegram from, Jack? Hi :Kp7 q1@3 ? 56' qA 10 - JACK: 1 / It s from the manager of thc Curran Theetre . It says . . "DBAR JACK, YOU lNGRB RIGHT . . .'_^OTAL AI'TENDANCE YESTERDAY INA S FOUR THOUSAND, TWO HUNDR^GD AND SEVEN, INSTEAD OF FOUR I THOUSAND, T690 HUNDRED AND SIX . . . . H07d Y0U. CAN COUNT OIIT T HAT 3POTLIGHT INYOUH EYES, I I LL NEVER KNOR . . . . . 12557a urse,fI w right . . I only nade one mistake durin.g the three ~we'ek. ~ been appearing there, and that wasn'tt, E-hasoen JACK : I cou an empty seat . .then S~d out later that Phil ris had come inand slid under it ., .9nywag, - h- ~~_ ello, Bob . \-_ BOB : Hi, Sack . .He11o, everybody . (APPLiUSS ) JACK : iPO11 Bob, our visit to San Francisco is about over -- I supposo you`flAl be glad getting back home to your wife and children7 ~ 2~ BOB : Yes Jack, but IT11 kind of hate to leave . .You know, it was right here in this city that I made my start in the ,,~ antertainment business when I was just a kid, NaRY : 6~, I didn't know that, Bob . BOB : Yes, Mary, my first job was singing with fmson Weeks Orchestra . I'm +fiftean years old and I lasted one whole day . t'os Y-so¢i:ded-t~-xnttc-c-tr--}z'se-,Td~'~oto-- N 380 '1 07 0 3r`59 - 1.1 - BOB : Then Anson told nui if I could sound like Bing, he :d rehire ' me . .5o tno next day I wa,~~s`~baek auditioning for him . . .I sang all of Bing's big hits B1ue of the Night^ .~."Please" . . .°I surrendore Dear", .°'Nhite S:iCK : 'Nait a minute :" Bob . .You eouldn't havB aung White Christmas, ~~ it wasn't written then . BOBt l(FCL . I know, but I was desperate . ID(A_AY : Did pou get the job? BOB : No, I had a tough break,( :riht in the middle of the audition, my voice chsz:ged . , DENAIS : Gae, that's a coincidancs . .when I was fifteen, ay voioe changed, too . BOB : Really, DezuSsR DgQiSI3i yeah, 14got higher . PAARY : Quiet, Dennis . . .Bob, what did 9ou do after you left .Anson ieeksY BOB : ~,~. I formed aLy ovm orchestra . .but I h d^to'gh alodding .I had no --.~ roputstlon . .no monog . .I eouldn ' t pay rq,v musicisns sn,thisg.: ~ ,- Yt I ao I 3Sdaj-tt exactlg get the crea,~..tkae- r ~ SiCR : You must hsve hcd- somz'""p'attv Dad music+_nns . B6B : _ kes . : :not as bad ^s I've got no~w, b tu p~Gty bad . ., . . .anywny~, ~ to~ 1' r Ftritit~n (~ .i ' ` IN ~ /U< Kd~ J y'~y ~_J L•'c~_ ~Y: F7~o~i/bidd Cit~^: Isn't0Q2a t` aGCt~.~nose night o1ub7~ BOB : gac :~.wo~rero billed as `°Chang '°loo Crosby's Royal MongoY+~1 a .~'~+Fn w /'.l[I ' snd The Swoetost Music This iide 0 Ft7 ;yU'j t`T483i 6 Y3 ~ - 12 - JACK : IC "fil Bob, enough of those rominiscencos . .we r ve got a show to do ., end that reminds me~y did Remloy miss rehearsal yesterday? z BOB :' A,Oh96Fr~ankie went to visit his brother, JSCK :OCouldnlt he-k~ gone the day before? BOB : No, yesterday was visiting day . IV _ ._ •5 JACK : Oh , oh, OH < .,Remleyas brother ~n in Ban Quentin , eh? BOB : No, Alcatraz . . DON : What did he do? BaB : Nothing, ?tels just Rsmley*s brothor . Jacx_: Oh,yes . .they*11 got you an that every time, BOB : You know, Jack, Itd like to visit nlcatrazsometime . JaCK : We11i Bob, very few tourists get to see it . DOD : ;~ ~ :Yait a minute, Bob9.i£ you'fl like me to arrange a sight-seeing . tour of Slcatraz for you, I can do it . BOB : Really, Don? Dn N : Certoinly, I carry s lot of weight in this town . J ~CK : Don, I donrt want to hear ar{p more about how much weight you carry in this town, .If I haar t hat once more, (60IIHD : KFCCK ON DOOR) JdCK : CONE IN . (50'VLID : DCOR OPENS) GE ORG3 : Mr . Benny? .TWC K : YCs a G30RGT' : I'm Pdr~. J-nes of S~~uthorn Pcci£ic Railway . - JsCK : Oh ye97.did you fin:lly get resarvaGions for me on the Lark to Los Angeles for tomorrow night? 197_1X0 7 0 18 3 :67 GEORGE : No sir .,Ilm sorry, but the best I can do is to get you reservations on Friday . J9CK : Gee, I can ' t see why the train should be so crowded tomorrow night„ thore are sixteen cars in that train, aren't the're7 GE OBGE : Yes sir . .but only two of the oars are carrying passengers . { JACK : Only two? 77hst are the other fourteen cars for? G30RGE : They :re taking back the money you :nade up here, JdCK : E~ hat's whp I w$nt to be on the same train, I don :t wan to be onessr~p .,Aren:t there eryo other trains leaving f r tomorrcw? I GEORGE : Yea-sir, .the Daylic}zt : What time does it leave? GEOBGE . JACK : Nine o*clock torarrow night . Js1C% : Well, I---wait a :ninute„ the train leaves I at nine at night, why do you call it the Daylight? I GEJBG'n : I don't know . .wdre just a crazy mixed-up bunch oqf~kids . JaCK : fy-eos~a"c-e, i wish I get~oecould comcrrow~s ~~~ ~~L~' Larz, Gr.ORGE : I ? m sorry I couldn't arr2ngo that for you, Mr . Benny ., .but I do have some good news for you . .I~va got all the reservations for your ds.uner v .wstion trip exactly as you plasmed it . bL 7Y : Fis su .mmer vaoation? 1Ihore is he going" San Francisco, nenvcr, Philadelphia, Nan York, Soattie, and New nrlesns, 4er,, .lndy Mr . Jones, have my trip end in ~A'ashington, P .C . . . . I ws .t to see them print some, too . . .,Goodbyc, Mr . Jones, Goodb~o . ~ / 11-44d . ~ , ~ ~ ~30L@47J : IGOR CLO~ESY/ . . 4 M xo 1 0183762 TdCK :~Q' ~~ and now, kids . . DON : ~( ~`k, Just a second , Jack . I TdCH : Yes, Don? I DON : Donrt you think ita time for a comk~~er"cial? JACAS ^Jell, I certainly do . ~ W ha9e gou got? DON : Well, the 3portsmen Quartet hava been spending a lot of 1 time in China Town and they4ve arranged a nunber bhat they would be ve 3p roprinte for 5an Francisco. w~ ~c ~ ~y~ z. S3CK : ~i/ 'Ne7,/(/~ fine, , Don. .let :s hear it . DOES : Okay . .T .4K S IT, FELLOt75 HF X0 7 0183763 (INTRG QUt1RT : CHINA TOTJN , PJ[Y CHIN:1 TOWN 44HE?~s' TrL LIGHTS ARE L017 H'ARTS THAT KNOW NO OTHER IAND DR_TFTING TO AND FRO . D?7EaldY , DREAMY CHINA TO'^lN ALMOND EYES OF BROW N HE ARTS SEEM LICHT AND LIFE IS BRIGHT IN DR.AMY IM22ft CHINA TOP7N, E IF CONFUCIOUS LI-J~ TODAY H^n°E IS'?IH.dT CONF`UCIOUS SAY g 14A?I A`HO LIGAT IVG- LUCKY STRIKE IS 3UHe. TO H::V--, d SID[.'u~,' HE LIREE LUCKI3S _4 119 30 NICE TO PUFF VELLY VELLY GOOD AND :V;FER ROUGH. tiF°IER L[Y BU?!L OF RIC : TO PUYF CNE` IS SC NICE Ta KC oUR anvICs BLEF, HCPPY, GLO LUC[iY =- HOPPY. GLO LUCKY STRIIFCE BLEE RCPPY GLO?I LUCKY ::1T CCNFUCIOUS .'.r. Pz,' AND DR.GON THE,RE ~ CHI?iESP•, _ . . =-P2RYIqB6RE --BT1T THE P4cGON W'-0 eCLL-hbKE IS 'LffisT DR .',G ON LUCKY 3TRI\KE . qT' .407 0 983?E 4 - I4B - QII:1RT : CHINA TO U d MY CHINA TOWN 'N f E RE THE LIGHTS ARE LO.N . EVEIT'ONE SP60EES LUCKY STRIFSE3 SEE THOS E LUCKIES GLOW CLEANER FRESHER, SMOOTHER SffiOKE f NO LOOSE ENDS TO MAKE YOU bROGVN I SEE TI EM TEAR AND THEN COMPnRE { IN DR^cbb7Y CHINi; TO'hSI . 4~ ?-<-E W~ -d-.• ~/ I&v //~ o~ Z~ ,a4, arxor 0 1 e 3765 (THIRD ROUTINE) AW JACK :,7n' That was,.wonderful, Don, .As a matter of fact, if I were doing my t'e levision show from San Francisco next Sunday;, I'd have had a Chinese scene in it~ DON : Jack, do you mean to tell me that next Bl/unday you ' re doing another television show? JACK : That`s right$ Don, Time certainly flies :You know, sometimes (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK7 CINJB; IN. ' (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) JACK : WELL, LOOK WH0 I 5 HEHE, .LIEUTENANT GOVF]RNOR GOOD`NIN KNIGHT OF CALIFORNIA . KNIGHT : Ha11c , Jack . ( (APPLAUSE) JACK:~ This is a great pleasure having you visit us on our radio show, Q~ . I KNIGHT : Thank you, Jack . .Hut P m really here at the request of Governor Earl 1Varren . ~ JACK : GosY.. .Gevernor Warren, . .What a coincidanc P.The1+as~t'tine I did a show in San Francisco . .seven years ago . .ha was my guest star . _ KNIGHT : I]ciaw .4that's why he sent me here . .You haven't paid him yet . JACK : ,~ Paid him? . .Why . I was sure I sent him a oheck, ( KNIGHT : ~,Jack, I was only ,)o7{ing„Governor 44a :rren got your check, and decided to keep it as a souvenir . .Be had it framed and keeps I it in his officeo ` JACK : But how could he get my check back after he cashed it? ( KNIGHT : Oh, he didn't cash it . ' JACK : Good, good .,Sy the way , Governor, I ' d like you to catch my ~ stage show at the Curran Theatro . .and, I close tenighty ~,6s,ees~-. 8 7-1,K0 7 07837E 6 J, -16- t :NIGHT : I've already seen the show, Jack . .I was there last night . ACK: Wait a minute . .le_st night .,wsre you sitting in the fourteenth row right on the aisle? I NIGHT : That :s right : And you came into. LCK the theatre about twenty minutes late . NIGHT : Yes . .that :s right, how did you know? ~ I 3CK : That empty seat had me worried to death . . .you see, I :m working- sK+n on percontaBe . . .And I nead all I carn make . . .After all, on ~April 15th I had to income taxes, and 2^sent~~ pay my state a big check to Sacramonto . ' YIGHT : You did? 1CK: Ycs . .dozsntt that make you happy? a IIGHT : Sl!hy shauld it I'm not .orking on4oorcentagc . ~;l 2~ .CK: Youlre not .°.sra11, you ought to got a difierant ..syey+ne agent :Vhct is it, _sb? ~ ~ . n Ild like ta ask the governor something . Vall ., go ahead . - ~~ /~ It :s confidantisi, Go~^rno^, do you ..:nind~li I t+hisper L ~ IGHT : No, not at s11 . Gu,GC ~'r.e+-'s°`c B : (SVHISF°H5)n Bzz2 bzzzzz bzzz bzzz . IGHT : Pm sarry, 9ob . .te11 nmmey I~i-~E h~lF is b athor, that's a faderal prison . H7'X 0 7 0983?6i - 17 - BGB : Oh . . .we11 than he'll just have to continue taking swi .mming lessons . J:.CK : By the way . Governor . .I ' d like you to meet the rest of my cast . . .ThSs is Mary . IDGiRY: Hello, Govornor .,Stts awfully nice meeting you . KNIGHT : I ' ve been looking forward to meeting you, too, Mary . JACK : and last but not least in my oasft Ja'my announcer . .Don 1tlilson . DON : He11o, Governor . ' KNIGHT : Hello, Don .,nice seeing you again . . JACK : Again? KNIGHT : Qertainly . . D on is very popular up here in BanFrancisco . . ~ an3wery important, too . 7GN : You see, Jack, ya see . J,vbC : Govarnor . .9ou+re not kidding me about ; Don being important, are you? SLVIGHT : No, Jack, .Don carries a lot of waight in this tovm . J:.CK : He do .;s? Sspecially srcund t.he Bay Area ., ~ Z ,.~ -" ,~rp,~.~ -Aell, Qbve~$Or, I~uosssyou :ve Te nw anE re cast . K2iIGEP : Not y~t, J-'ck . .yau haven't intr :duced me to Dennis Day . JACK : I know, and some day yout11 thank me . . .Believe *ie, efell Jack, it uas pleasant visiting with you, but I t v~~e €€°° trG6' B~ bacTc -taacrsmento and welcome Bo' JACB :Hob Hopa . .is he sohe~,'d' e `~ a e an appearance in Sacrmmento? KNIGHT : *Io, but t g he travels, you ?n .~yer can tall . t` 19 fMc7t 0 9 8 3?6 8 KNSGHT : Jaak . .itts been a pleasure meeting you and your whol 'And if youerc ever in Sacramento , call me up and I T 11 take you to 1ur.ch, JACK : Lunchy KNIGHT : 19ella if you haventt got time to have lunch , we can ,1ust have some coffeo and cimeron nolls . JACK: Yesy yesa we will, Well, goodbye, Governor , and thanks for dropping in . KvIGHT : Goodbye, Jack. . ,y'°' w ~ wIa F~~~-/y .u e JhCK .n Laa, ~ hels/weetV t guy .4> . .and sa accbfmaoOdating . . .But : I guess we're going to have to get Pres'_dent Eisenhower on tho pregram if we :re going to helo ftealey's brother~~ . Anyway, it was niceof him kz-- (SCUDID : PHONE HITdG3 . . . . RECSI!l'R UP) SACK : Hello R.CCH : HRLLG,: BOSS, THIS IS RCCI-s.5'1'E'R . (APPLaUS .^-.) JACK : 3ochaster .d I l vc been trying to reach you all dag . .whare are you? ROCH : ' I'M ITI S:,ii?ALITB . J2C3 : Saus2lito? !9hat are you going there? ROCH : P!OTHT_N1 . JACK : Nothi :.)? HTXC.Ti 018 3 76 4 - I9 - P.OOH : TF;T :S THE M4IN INDUSTRY HERE, JACK : 'i7nat? ROCH : TILF7 I VB GOT SO MUCII OF IT, TF=Y EXPORT IT . JACK : Oh, You moen things are kind oP auiet over there? 50CR : QIII'd :? . . .TF$Y JUST ARRESTED A SILK WORM FOR DISTQ3BING THE PE `aCE . J;1CK : Now wait a minute, Rochester„I didn't give you pernission to go over thene„ ROCH : I KNOlti, IIOSS . .BUT. I RhD : COUPh: OF SPARE HOURS, ON MY HANDS . J.1CK : Uh ROCH : AND IWASa .,'PIELL? .KIPID OF LONESON.F, . JACK : Yaah? ROCH : AND THEN I R.^-, MdBJv.D . . .I KNE':^! A GIRL OVER li:,RS IN S1.IISALITO . J:;Cff : Yeah? ROCH : AND IT°S CPRIP]G NOW, BOSS .,SPRIIIINiG?7:?G( J1C? : All right, so what happened? ROCH : T3tr, `,9I?i INDUSTiY, DIOTRIN1 . JACK : pl'fi . " le11 look, Rochaatcr, w ere there any calls or messsgcs for me at the hctel? ~~ lf "20Cfi : Sl5'?L, JUST B'F0 .°.E I L3FT, T,u b:JSIC CRIiICN fl'f£T F4:;PiCI9C0 -"H~di ` C,il TO IN"i33VI_°" YOII . J?CLt : Uh h_ti2 . 'i0Cli : 30 I TOLI) °IM EVE'"2YTHPIG I KT.1Rf_ ABOUT YCUR Ci,"MEER CObiTULIAN, R T HO7 `11 k33 r'r'CJ 11 ~~~ -z0- JAC3 : W(/ti, Good, .good . . HOCH : THEN HE WANTED TO KN04; HOW YOU PERSONALLY YOURSELF AS A VIOL JfiCK : Ho•u~~ T myselFT~ ROOH : YEdb~ SO I TOLD HIM TP'~.T YOU T10UGHT YOUR TONE WASN'T AS RESCNANT AS IT SHOULD HE . JACK : Yau told h?n chatT ROCH : YEAH, THEN I TOLD HIM YOU THO'JGHT YOUR FINGERING WAS CLUiv[SY AND YOUR BOW IffiG WAS AY?Y"li.P,D . J&CK : Rochestery why did you te11 him that? ROCH : BOSS , EVEN N7fEN YOU lif.'TDi ' T GOT IT, YOU GOT'TV BE NODEST . JACK : I guess so . . .Wlelly goodbye, Rochester . RCCH : GOOOO.TIBYL" . (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN) (vPPL.iUS& A ND PL.IYOFF) H1' ;K 0 7 0 163 17 r 1 Flna P?:' MI rTIOtr : ~ r l/~c :•rIO.* T:.Y 10, 1953 (TB"dd3CP.IBnD 1PRIL 27, 1953) AILHOt7 : Ladies and g^.ntlec.cn, ever-'body fears fire in the hor..e . . .yet nost of themare caused by sheer care?essness . . . . .chec:: fault7 9cating equiPment, ducts and flues, . . .kecp cetch~a a'::•a; from children . Don't smoke in bed . 1'SnPty ash tr_Ys before retiring . :atrn care is the Scst ssfe3usrd asains`, fire . 3emember, only -,7ou can ^rcvcnt fi^cs . Thank pau . (dPPLAUSE)i :IL50F: Sack will be beck in just a moment, but .first : . .nothira -- bc~ts bcttcr tcste : .t nothing--no ...... lndrerecmber Ri :KO{ 07837 72 TIIIe' LiCK BELNY PROGIt1 : D e^..z 10, 1 ? 53 ('eR .t^scalBC ,:-raxt >7, 1953) a ^LOSIIIG CONt'.i.RCL'S, COLLIIiS : _uckics taste bettcr CPi0lII5 : Clcaner, frosher, smoother COLLiiiS : Luckiea taste better CHO's7S : Clcaner, fresher, smoother For Luck; Str•..kc moans fine tobacco Richer-tcsting, fine tobacco COLLIIS : L'uckies taste better CR^3'JG : C1olner, fresher, smoother LucL•T St ri ke Lucky 9trike '!IL=? : In spite of .51l ~ou heRr about cig^.rette smoking today, one basic tr*xtb romains .,it'a the taste of a ciearette that counts! Ilothing -- na, nothinl; -- beats better taste : :md Lackics taste bettcr, . . .cle .aner, £resher, ^ snoothen . iaare arc good reasons for lt . Luckios are nade bettcr to taste botter . . . .m i do round and °irm and fully paeked, to drau frecl 7 and smoko evenl y . t^a*.ura11.;~ that wii' give you a better saake . Then, too, better tzstc in a cigarette must be^in crit'h. the tob°,eco . :.nd -- EL 8/I^T -- Lucky S t^i.' tob.^.cco ... . .Yinc, li ;-at, mild tcb^.cco vrith it's own wonderful tlatc nnd an aroma that's evon bet>er . So r^membcr, fricnds . . .oJ-1-. fine tobacco, in a better-made cigarctto, c^s Q ivc ;^oa Luc':e'tes' better taste, 1nd oni t; bettcr baste can ;.ive yo u thc rcel, dcep-dmrvn snoldn ; onjo,r:ent ',rou 'u_ntn : So . . . . Be Happy -- Go Luclqy ) Eest t'-mc, .,,aslc for a carton of Luck^ Strike' 3FCRTSI7T ?li :_fl'PST : Be IL:.png -- Go Luclkf . Get f3etter Tasto tod^.g (LONG CLSF) t A7 M07 0 1 8 3 ~ 73 22 - (T :.G) - J:iC1: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thanlc all the people of enn Pr2nciaco Por being so nice to me . .and I want to thank Lieutenant Governor Goodw in Knight for appe .arinTZ on my s:now . Next week vre t ll not only be bmadcasting from Bo117vmod, but efl11 be doing ^ne'tucr television shoa . . . . . :'.nd to 11 mothers evcn7viherc . .a very happy I LSothcr ' s Day . . . -, (P.[:HT_C -.ND AFP?IISE) DOS? : The Jack Bcnn;; Sho'u rras written by 8an Pcrria, L4i1t Jese :fsberg, 3eongc Balzer, JoTn Tac'saborr,r and produced and tr^.nscribed by Hilliard '+~arks . Be sure to 9ear The :aeerican Ja ;; •nith -lorace 'icidt for Lack'y StrL'ce evcr,r Thursd^. ; over this same station . Conault ,-our c ;:espspcr for the tine . The Jack 3cnnv 2rogr^~ vrr.s brou[ht to you by Lucicy Strike, uroduct of .thq, :morican Tobaccc Comnany . . . :..^.eriea's 'ecdin- menufaeturer of cigarettes . '/ k< . ~ . /t' flTh' 0 7 07837r'4 . AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY L4CKY STRiKE . . TfE 'JACK SENNY PROGRAM f SiNDAY, MAY 17, 1953 C&4 4 ;00 - 4 :30 PM PriT (TRANSCRIBED MAY 13, 1953) CB NT ;K 0 1 0"1 83775 THE A MERICAN TOBACCO CO . -A- THE MAY i7 K1953N(TSAHSCR~n faY 13, 1953) OPENING COM MERCIAL: WIISON : The Jack Benny program . . . transcribed and presented by Lucky i Strike! (PAUSE) In a cigarette . . .nothin - no, nothin beats better taste! And remember . . . . COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORIIS : Cleaner, fresher, smootner For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better - CHORIIS : .Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike . . . . Lucky Strike WST-SON : This is Don Wilson, friends . I'm sure all you smokers will agree that the one thuig you want most from your cigarette i is better taste . For after all -- nothing - no, nothina beats better taste . And Luckies taste better . . .cleaner, fresher, smoother . Now there are good reasons why . For one thing, Luckies are made of good-tasting tobacco . .tobacco that is fine, light, naturally mild . Yes, LS/MFT --LUcky Strike means fine tobacco . Then -- Luckies are made better to taste better -- made round and fs-rm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . In addition, every pack of Luckies is extra tightly sealed to bring you Luckies' better taste `.n all Its natural freshness . Just open up a pack and you'll find that every Lucky Strike is as frest as the day it was made . That's right -- Luckies just natcrallv have e better taste when they're made -- and still have that better taste when you smoke them . 13ecause they come to you fresh . So, for real, deep-down smoking enjoyment -- be happy -- gg Lucky! Get a carton of better-testing, fresher- tasting Luc Strike! BR flTk{07 4183776 THE Ab1ERICAN TOBACCO 00 . TEE MAY i7eft 953~(TRaN~SaRIDID ~~.nY 13, 1953) OPENING COMMEACIAL (CONT I D) COLLINS : Ittckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, freshcr, smoother Lucky Strike . . . . Lucl.y Strike MUSIC : (PRCGRAM Tf EME UP AND D(Rd N) BR FTbK 0 4 01 8 3 77? i _1_ (FIRST ROUTINE ) (AATER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN ) DON: TAE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . ! (APPLAUSE . .MCSIC UP AND DOdN ) DON : IADIES APID GENm128MEN . .IMd1EDIATELY AFTER THIS RADIO SHIXT, JACK DENNY WILL DO ANO'14iER Gr HI S MONTBLY TE LE VISION PROGRAMS OVER THE C .B .S . NETWORK . . . BUT IN THE MEANTIME , LET'S GO BACK TO IAST MOND4Y WHEN JACK RETORNED FROM A SUCCESSFUL' SWAM6 - ~= PERSONAL APPEARANCE AT THE CURRAN TfO;ATRE IN SAN FRANCISCO . .AS WE LOOK IN ON JACK, HE IS AT HOME GOZNG OVER SOME MEMENTOS OF HIS THEATRE APPE'~ARANCE . JACK : ...... Seven thousand, ninety-eight . . . seven thousand, ninety- nine . . . .men , . . . ROCH : WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BOSS ? JACKt fl n just checking over the number of programs you sold during my engagement in San Francisco . ROCH : I TfIOUGHT I SOLD QUITE A LOT OF 7 HEM . JACK : Oh, you did, Rochester . .and those programs made wonderful souvenirs . . . They had my biography and pictures of my entire life in them . ROCH : I ffiVOW . . .SAY BCSS, . .IN THAT PICTURE ON TFL: SECOND PAGE . .WAS THAT MAN STANDING BESIDE YOU YOURJATIH':R? 1~, JACK : No,Phe was my violin teacher and,,had just finished giving me a lesson . AT xo1 0 1 0 3 77 8 ROCH: BUT WHY WERE YOU WEARING THAT BIG FLOPPY HAT? JACK: That's not a hat, it's my violin, the teacherjust~ broke it (~ over)my head . . . He was very impulsive,*/ov .lQ~1 MEL: nfl Very impulsive ; very impulsive . (F'.QU/CWK AND WfIIS'P(L,j ~~~Iy JACK: Hello, Polly, I'm glad you're home from the pebtvGs~.h RCCH : I GOTPA TELL YOU THE CDTEST THING, MR . BINNY . . .WREN I PICKEID HER UP AT THE PET SHOP, SIiE DIDN'T WANT TO G0 . . .8HE WAS IN PARROT,IN THE NEXT CAGE . JACK:Oh, it was a male eh? ROCH : DON'T ASK,ME~, .-~AS JACK: ~Al-l~ rig}xt;-I wili assk her. . .Polly was---ehh, l-tretter drop / the subject, she's blushing . 1. . . Now Rochester, 2 ope you t put away all the things I brought from San Francisco . ROCH : I DID THAT THIS MORNING . 14 JACK: And did you do what I told you toiabout laying out all my clothes and calling the cleaner to get them? ROCH : I DID THAT, T00 . JACK : Good . .now go upstairs and ma.ke sure I didn't leave anything in my clothes . Go through the pocltets . HOCH : AGAIN? JACK : Oh, you went through the pockets already? ROCH : TWICE, ONCE WITH THE HAND6 AND ONCE WITH TfPc MAGNET . JACK : Well, never mind, do it again be~-- (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) . JACK : You take care of my clothes, I'll answer the door . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS) DENNIS : Hello, Mr . Benny . JACK : Oh, hello, Dennis .. CB AT,{ 0 7 07 8 3??9 -3- DENNIS : Welcome home . JACK : U4It's nice being home . DENIDIS : Gocd to see you again . JACK: Thanks, .A ' e• DENNIS : I hurried over as soon as I heard you were- J/.-.Z JACK: You did? DENNIS : Yeah . .gosh, have I got something to tell JACK : What, Dennis, what, what? DENNIS : I'm quitting your show . . JACK: You're quitting the show? DEiyIdIS : Uh huh . .. . JACK: Wait a minute, Dennis . .what's wrong this time? . .Don't you t ~y like the material you get on the program? DENNIS~:~1.,~ I think the lines they give me are very funny . JACK:(,pw~,Don't you like the short hours you have to work? DENNIS : Oh, they're fine . JACK : Well, don't you like the musical arrangements I get you for your songs? DENNIS : I think they're wonderfuL JACK : Then for heavens sakes, kid . .what's the matter? DENRIS ; I don't like zou, JACK : After fourteen years you suddenly found out you don't-14,a like me? DENNIS : I didn't like you when I first met you . Hmrmn . .look, Dennis, don't quit just on the~-apvr o . . e ome and tal DENNIS : I c ' , s lt'] the K : Why . .what happened to your fathes CB 19 T ,X 07 0 18 3 i'8 0 DENNIS : While I was talking it over with my mother, he stuck up for you . JACK:" - YOU-nuxn POUr mother-- L E NNIS : Yeah, for yean s elling Papa, "One of these one of these days" . .and this t3~P.ogw`w'w~, right in - the u ` 4 et~s d JACK: -H MMt_ .Look, rop this silly ialk . .you can't quit . DENNIS : Well, I'm quit . JACK : Well, you ean't . . :your contract still has forty-one years more to run . DENNIS : Oh boy, that's what I like, security . , JACK : Yeah, yeah . .security . . .Now let me hear the song you're going to do on Sunday's show . DENNIS : Yes, sir . .it's called "If I Loved You A Mountain ." It's from my new 20th Century Fox Picture "The Girl Next Door" which yis~3-D . ~~l~~~~~~ z l~ JACK:~~ -, S ciidn'~C kn~ ow~~t wAs 3-D . DENNIB : Yeah, Dennis Day's Delightful . JACK : Oh, quiet . .Nowelets h z~ve yc»ia-- (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) JP.CK : Hold it a second, Dennis . (SOUND : PHONE RINGS . . .RD ;EIVHR UP) JACK : Hello? BOB : Hi, Jack, this is Bob Crosby . JACK: Oh, hello, Bob . . .when did you get home from San Francisco? BOB : Who's home . . .I'm still up here . JACK: JdHow come . . .I thought you were supposed to get back here yesterday . CB' 19 T X0 7 0 983 7 81 -5- BOB: 41 YeeJ but San Francisco has fascinated the boys in the band so much, I can't get them to leave JACK :WrkJ, What's so fascinating to ~ BOB : Well, Remley's absolutely amazed at all the steep hills { in San Francisco ...... _. _ . . . _ _ .. . . ._ ._f do you mean? the first time FrankS.e's been sober and the city cockeyed . JACK: That I can believe :; When are you coming home? BOB: Tomorrow . .I tried to get the fellows to leave here /5 tonight, but Bagby~is giving a l .ittieI party . I JACK: Charlie Bagby, our piano player? . .What kind of xs-party is he giving? BOB : Well, it's not exactly a party . . .he's invited the rest of the band to watch him jump off the Golden Gate Bridge . JACK :L~, Wait a minute, Bob . .1 know that Bagby has .certain k peculiarities . . . . I can understand him wearing gloves when he plays the piano because he doesn't want to leave his t fingerprints on anything . . . . . I can even understand him not wanting to ever sit in a chair because of the way his uncle died . . .But why should he want to jump off the { ~/ Golden Gate Bridge? k BOB : +/ He did it yesterday and fliked it . JACK:/&./ Liked it? 1 BOB :He thinks those whitecaps are Brew 102 . JACK : (J~f1:€i~19) Look, Bob, this is all very funny, but a man doesn't phone long distance just to tell jokesit .~dWhat do you want? ., 19 T ;i 0 1 01 53782 BOB: Well, Jack . .to tell you the truth . S've run out of money and^need some to get back to Los Angeles . JACK : Bob, you don't need any money to get back here . . .all you have to do is get a road map, stand cut on the highway, and motorists will pick you up . BOB: N-a --it unimut-.; Jack, a man in my position can't hitch-hike . ~ JACK : Wait a minute, Bob, wait a minute . .On second thought maybe yov shouldn't hitch-hike . I'1l send you the money . Where are you staying? BOB : Uncle Dan's Mission . JACK : Oh . .~.7well, I'l]l wire it to you . So 1ong, Bob . BOB : Caerdpye . (SOUND : RECEIVIIt DOWN) ~ ~ JACK : Okay, Dennis, let me hear your songy~-t`'? DENNIB : Yes sir . (APPLAUSE) (DENNIS SONG - IF I LOVE YOU A MOUNTAIN") (APPLAUSE) CB (SECGND AOLF!'INE) ~,,- ,1 ' JACK : Dennis,ntbat song~ scund great ~~"', I don't know what it is but your voice sounds better e nd bette1 ou're not only one of the best singers around -eeAa*rwb*A IS : You'reSust saying at because you're stuck with me for-~ ra,ty-one years . JACK: Look Dann Ey-;~,-m not stuck with yo . . can drop you any time one of you or ptioqa- I&:NNIS : When do mp op JACK : Every,d -at noon . . . . Now go before I dhange np mind . ~ IENNI& :' o-oodbye . ""~.._ JACK : That kid gets sillier every day . Ms,: (SQUAWKS) Every day, every day . (wtusTLES) JACK : (~uiet, PoSIy. . .Gee, I don't know what to d o today . . . I think -- RO CH: (COMLNG IN) MR. BFIVNY, IT'S iVE;ARt,Y LUNCH T IME . . .WOULD YOU LIXi M TO GET YOU SOi+IETHING TO EAT? JACK : No . . .I'm not hungry . . .Maybe later . ROCH : OKAY. . .BY THE WAY, WHAT HAPPENED TO MR . DAY ? JACK : He left . ROCH: OH. . .THEN IF WE'RE ALONE, THERE'S SCMETffiNG I WANNA ASK YOU . JACK : What is it? hOCH: I WANT TO ASK YOU FOR A RAISE . JACiL : (A LA ROCH) AGAIN! . . . Look, Rochester, you can forget it . . . " . . . . 'T-PaY'YDU"rgeod"se3'e~ ~--end-I^m--aeY, .-go3.ng_..to_g].uasyou_a,. .. 9 flT,M 0 7 0 783 ?04 -a- ROCH: OKAY, OKAY . . .THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOL2 IT, I JUST GOTT A UNION . JACK; Never mind, Rochester, there's no need to -- (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) JACK : A wer that, please . ROCH: YES, R. (3Q\UND FOOTSTEPS) I IMAGINE HIM T~NG ME DOVdN A IN . . .WELL, AT 7~,AST I DID GET ONE RAISE S CE I'VE WORSffNG FOR HIM . . .THAT IEMIPT6 R OF THANKS T'0 THE N .R.A ...... a70OR 02ENS'j~ ROCH: OH, HFLLO, M*eSS LIVINGSTONE .\`~. . / MARY: Hello, Rneheater . . .Is Mr. Benny hbqe? ROCH: Y 'AM. . .COME ON IJ . i (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES) MAFZ :/ How is Mr . Benny? RCC"ri! NORMAL, VERY NORMAL ; i JACK : (OFF) W'no is it, gochester? / MARf: It's me, Jack . (SOUND: /60UP JACK : Hi, Doll . MARY : He1lo , Jack . I JACK: I wasn't expecting you . i MAPY : Well, I didn't intend dropping in . . .but I wanted to mail 1 this letter and I'm out of stamps . . .do you have any left? JACK : Sure, they're in the next roam . . r (BOUND : COUPLE FOOPSTEPS . . .IX1CR OPI'sN3) 191-X101 0 1 83F85 -9- f JACK : There they are . MARt : Thanks . i (SOUND : COIN IN MACHI . STAMPS COMIN(} OUP) JACK : Throw the folder in the wassk O. .Who~ •1~-1re~ -dl~ , . . received MARY: My mother . . .I'm answering one I fxrom her this ;d6 -4 ~ -~ ~m,ornin ..~~ ~ JACK: dY 1~ tter from your mother? MARY : Yatly would you like to hear it? JACK : Certainly . . .what does "Get Lost Little Sheba" have to say? RLft)W, Here it is . . .I'11 read it(SOUND : R'OSTLING OF PAPER) I Yv9RY : (CLcARi THROAT) MY DARLING DAUGHPER MARY . . .J'iTT A SHORP NOTE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT ALL IS GOING WELL HERE ON THE FARM. . .AND BEFOTE I FOMET, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR T.P.E LOVELY MOTHER'S DAY GIFP . ~! Wwxc f fi'GOBIi-'PRPR~` .~ SP77YAI'GY 6ood t1y mi~nJfni . MA :3 : ., ..~ , YOUR AUNP . OPfIIE IS BREAKING HER ivC (~c` ENGAGELIENT WITH HER .1~--? WAlfitai f^:BY"NOTS°3IIPtIIW MilNiii%i+: R (IiAP G`D' fieOD$EHAVIOR : ' e~~~5"'SBe~~ `i^o-o~s9g MAH'I' : IT'S PROB4BLY JUST AY YIEiS, SHE BROKE _t' OFF . . .NO[d SRE WON'T HAVE TO GO AND SEE HIM ON VISITING P.AY ANP MOIE . .(LAUGHIlVGLY) T~pH T~ CONSTANT KZSSING THRUUGH THE WIRR. SC1~EN MFlLE HER ' 7~"a, ..= LOOK LIILE WAFFLFS . P37X 0 7 07 8 37 86 -10- JACK ; Yeah . .most women use pancake meke-up . .ehe just uses pancakes . . MARY: NO GPRER NEWSAEXCEPT THAT I HOPE YOU SAW YOUR UNCL'E WILIIE ON TELEVISION LAST 5 AY . . .~.3E ; 1PPEARED ON WHAT'S MY LINE AND WON FIF7Y DOLLA .A.NONOF THE EXPERfS COULD GUESS THAT HE WAS A BUM. JACK :![~;Good for Uncle Willie . . .he coul use the fifty dollars . . . Also the bottle of Stoppette : .P. .Re coul also use -- Jack, please . . .there's a ~P. Sp ., and it's about you . JACKO Well, read it, sead itl~°"' MARY : Okay . . .MAFK,+I . sAD IN VARIEPY THAT JACK REALLY HAD A SUCCESSFUL ENGAGENENP UP AT SAN FRellVCISCO AfID MADE A LOT OF MONEY . . .I AM SO HAPPY FOR .HIM BECAME THIS IS WHAT HE ALWAYS WANTED . . . ` haat JACK: Your mother can kid me if she wants to,ibut~ had a swell time in San Francisco . . . - MAR`C : I'snow, Jack, we all did . . .Wel1, I better be running alongr,~- JACK: Wait a minute, Mary . . .I haven't anything to do this afternoon . . .maybe we'11 take a walk or something . MARY:I'm sorry, deek, but I can't . . .this is near the end of the i season and 1've got to go downtown and audition fcr a summer job . JACK: Oh, really . . .what company, C .B .S . or N .B .C .? MAW : M .A .Y : Oh, oh,. JACK e}n . .Well, lots of luck, Mary . .I hope you get what you want . . .Goadbye . MA W : &204 ye, Jack . (SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLC6E4) HT :K 07 076378 1~ -11- ROCH : WOULD YOU LIKE SOME LUNCH NOW, MR . BENNY? JACK : No, I'm still not hungry . . .Gee , I don't know what to do . . . 1 -Rochsskan,.-d ici u e _ a° . whes ° . ! „ a Q -^a' e:-* -- i AQr A • c R 9096 , eF1N*ew: I JACK: • 5 mmr. . .I don!t know whether to go play golf or just sit around ar---. IOCH-4d~~p WHY DON'T YOU Jt3T I~LAX AND READ A BOOK? JACKi/~~ I've read all my books . ' ItlCH: W(/~EL~S,, YOU CAN GO TO THE.LIBRAfiI AND BORR04tSOME NEW ONE S . JACK: --~s$'~. . .that's a good idea . . .Rochester, you get the car and -- NOo, it's onl.p a short distance, .-end -z ;,'•s such a nice day, I'll wa1k . . .I'1l see you later, Rochester . (SOUND : DOOR OYENS) . ROCH: G00DBYE, BOSS . MEL: Goodbye, Boss . (WHISTIES) : Ch say . . .that reminds me, Rochester . . JACK ROCH: YES, SIR? JALK : This afternoon I waot+you to~g..'lve Polly a bath . bEL: (SQUAti+'IKS) , AGAIN! ("vlHCSTIBS) ~ JACK : Yea , again . . . I u.See you later . ~ (GOING TO THE LIBRA:3Y TSAhSITION MUSIC) JACK : My, but it's nice and quiet in the library . . .peaceful, too . . . Oh, there's the librarian . . .I'11 have to see her about 1 getting acard . N (30UND: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) BEA : Yes sir . . .can I help you? AT}S 0 1 01 8 3 78 3 JACK : Yes, bliss . . .I'd like to joinihte library . BFA : Oh . . .you'd like to take out a library card? JACK : Yes, and the librarian, too . (BILIY L9UGH) BEA : Now if you want to get a caxd, you'll have to give me some inforIDation . . . . JACK : . Your name?Jack Benny I BEA : Your address? JACK : 366 North Camden Drive . BEA: Your age? JACK : Thirty-nine . BEA: . . .Thi'rty-nine? JACK : Ye96: BBA ::/ You ~o~ haven't worn wel1, have you? JACK .I worry a lot . 'BEA:~IHow ball are you? JACK : F e-ten;~ ,~-.-°J-- BEA : Color of hair JACK : Brown . BEA : or of eyes . . .Oh, they're blue, aren't ~ JACK• B1uer th n th h oks that have been banned in Boston . BEA : kl(4 Hare's your card, Mr . Ben np . . .Now as you knew, this is a public library and each book you borrow may be kept frae for three ueeks . ._ .However, for each day a£ter that we fine you two cents . flt-i;0 t 07 8 37 8 4 -13- JACK : Oh . . .and if I bring the book back before the three weeks are up, do you glve me two cents a day? i BrA : Of course not . ,, JACK : What a racket : ...... Nowpwhare would I find some of ihe- .D'JN: -(COMING IN)^ Jset , I'm glad you're still here . JACK:~ ,g~ Huh? Oh Don . . .how'd You know where I was? DON:A~ I dropped over 4 your house and Rochester told me you~]msk t gone to the library . JACK : But Don . . .I just got here myself . . .how did you get here so fast? i PJJP1 : , be Sportsmen Quartet and I rode over here in my M .G . JACK: Wait~ a minute . . .the four Sportsmen and you in an M .G.? , DON : Yes'S I was low man on the totum pe1e . JACK : Oh. . .wo1l,what was so important that you had to see me k N•' DON : Welyl the Sportsmen have a new number they rehearsed and they'd like you to hear it . BEA : ) a. ,, Wait a minute, they can't sing here . . .this is a library . . . JACK :~~~g Certainly not . DJN :CU'~'OrThis will only take a minute . JACK : But Don, look at that sign . . .it says "Don't talk - Whisper" . DCN : That's wonderful, Jack . The name of the song is "Whispering ." JACK : Ch, oh . (WFIISPEHS) Miss, the name of the song is "Whispering ." BEA: (WfII8PEEE) Oh, that's all right . . JACK : (WfffBPEI&) Okay, Don . DON: (WHISPE RS ) Take it, fellows . RTM07 0763790 -14- (LOUD INTAO) { QUART i : (LOUD) WHISPERING WHII,E YOU CUDDLE NEAR ME . Y7H7SPERING . .. . SO NC ONE CAN R6AR ME BEA : Gentlemen. .gentlemen . . not so loud . .this is a EACH LITTLE WHISPERSEEbfi3 TO Cfffit ME library. I I4dOW IT'S TRUE JACK : Don, please . .it's '1•NfftL+'S NO ONE, DEAR, BUT YOU embarrassing . I YOII'RE YlHIS1ERIAG WHY YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME BEA : Gentlemen, you ' ll have to stop that, this is WHISPERItIU' WHY YOU'1S, NEVER GR"Qs`VE ME a library . *dFIISPFR JACK : Don,neverybody is looking AND SAY THAT YOU BEL,[E ME at us . WfISSPSRIr G THAT I LOVE YOU . JACK: Don, this is embarrassing . .tell the boys to whisper. DON : Okag. .whisper it, ellows. Y7HISPERING, AS YIE SMORE A LUCKY YdH2SPG..,RINC THAT THEY'RE FROM ISENTUCKY NOTHIilC,, NO NOTIING IS AS DUCKY. h'E SIT AND PUP'F AND NOT ONE PUFF IS ROUGH . 'CAUSE LUCTMS ARE MADE OF FINE TOBACCO MUCH BETTER TASTIM, THAT'S A FACT, 50 LET'S STOP THIS WRISPERIIIG AND START SHOUTIM . p LUCKiES ARE THE SMOKE F0Y-AW, g~ ` ; AP IISE RM 19 Th 01 U/S379 1 (TKLRD ROUTINE) JACK : Don . .I admire your loyalty to Lucky Strikes, but don't you t ever have the boys sing another song in a library. DON : Okay, Jack . .Well, I'll see you later . .so long . JACK : Goodbye.•goodbye . . . . I better apologize to the librarian . Miss, I'm awfully sorry about this disturbance . BFA : U°', That's all right . .That's the most excitement we've bad in this library since we put the Kinsey Report next to Forever Amber . JACK: I can imagine . .•Well I better go £ind a book to read . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Gee, they must have thousands of books here . . .Let's ee• .• Here's o e . . "It Tak s ore Tha Talent" by Mervin Roy• Here's $.nother one . ."Return- to Paradise" by James Michener . •c91r ,-, -,, a-._- ~ee • ••Let's see, what books they have under "Adventure" . . . Say, this book sounds exciting .•"How I Discovered the Insane Pirate's Buried Fortune" or "Dig That Crazy Treasure ." . .• . :hn, look at all the books on this shelf . .They're all devoted to space ships and interplanetary t,ravel . . . jqhinlc I'll take this one, "I Flew To Mars In A 7- Ship ." . .•That sounds interesting . . Maybe I'll sit down here and read it . . (SOUND : SCRAPING~ OF CNAIR) JACK : I Flew To Mars In A&4Ship . . .Chapter One . (A LITTLE OUT OF THIS WORLD MGSIC) JO 1 t)983?9 :? -16- JACK: (FIIIPER) MY NAME IS CONA'~ANDER I COREY . . .' "" m ~ THIS IS THE MORN OF MY GRFATEST ADVENTtTR~ ~^*E • .I~ryT WILL LFAVE IN MY HPk/ SHIP FOR THE CNLY,RE.]AINING UNEXPLORID PL9IVET ., .MAR5 . . . EVffi2YTHING H9PrIN RFADINESS FOR THE PERILOIIS FLIGBP . . .2 WAITED FOR MY NAVI4ATOR TO BOARD SHIP, THE BFAUTIFGL CAPTAIN TONGA . . . FINALLY SHE BOARDED AND SAID : MARY: Hello, Commander . JACK: (REG . MIKE)Hello, Tongk . JACK: (FILTER) AS WE READIID Oi7RSELAE4 FOR THE FLIGHT, I COULDN'T HE[,4 STARING AT flFdt . .SHE L00IM SO BFAUTIF'QL AND ALT, SRING IN HER NEW LOW-CUT OXYGE[d TANK . . .FLVALLY I TURNED TO HBR AND SAID : (REG . MII{E) Tonga., let's make our last minute checks before we blast off nto space . MARY : All right, . .I ' ll call the items off . .you check them on the chart . . . MARY : Power Rockets . JACK: Power Rockets• MARY : Stratosphere Speed Indicator . JACK : Stratosphere Speed Indicator . MARY : Liquified Jet Fuel . JACK : Liquified Jet Fuel . R D 4C)1 C1783 ? :33 -17- MARY : Buggy whip . . JACK : Buggy---wait a minute• .what are we doing with a buggy whip t on a space rocket? t MARY : Somebody goofedl .__.-._.Y. .,~ ApKtiS' -~_Oh .- JACP. : -(FILTFR, EVEftYTIIING WAS IN RFADINF.,S . . .W LAST MINUTE GOo ffiY~4W . AT THE CROWDS , , DEPAR.TCRE. .AND S E azARID TO n) (FEW STRAINS OF "A 3REET`Y GIRL IS ISI~ A Eff.0 JACK : 6iEY D EVIDFSYSLY REHFARSED FOR ANOTf3Eft~K1ND-QFTAKE OFF . . .-'"/~~ THEN TONGA TBRIIJ THE CONTROL SWITCH, AND WE WERE OFF . . . (SOUND : THY?RIP'IC S4I00S3IING OF AIR AND WHIIVE OF ! ROCKESS CONTI!COFS IN BP-CRGROUND) JACK : TRg TERRIFIC ACC'ELLES?ATION MADE US LOSE CONSCIbUSNESS, AND WREN WE CAME TO, WE WERE IN OUTER SPACE . .AS TONGA NAVIGATED, I ASM F E R QUESTIONS . JACK : (REG . MIKE) What Is the gravitational pull of the earth now? MARY : Zero . 3ACiF:---6oodrmhat-'ts'vax^p6sTtSdn? -M~DY : JACK : And our speed? MARY: I have her wide open . .we're doing ninety-nine thousand miles per hour . JACK : Emmun. .we shauld be doing a hundred thousand . . .I wonder what's slowing Y* up . . MARY: You forget to take the fox .tail off the radiator cap . fl7x 01 0 183 ? 9•1. -1$_ JACK : Oh yes . .it cuts our speed, but it's sporty . . . . Tonga, I why'don'''b"Seu-'wait a minute, why are you slowing down ! the ship . MARY : There's a man standing up ahead with his hand extended . JACK: Oh yes . .slow it way down, I'll open the hatoh door and talk to him. (SOUND : WffiNIIOG OF SfIIP BECOMING SLOWER AND SLOWER . . Tf)FTi SOUND OF HEAVY MEPALLIC FATCH DOOR ;'OPENING .) , JACK : (CALLS) Hey, what are you doing out there? BOB : (OFF) I'M ffiTCPlHTKING TO LOS ARGECAS ., JACK : Well, good luck . .I'm going to Mars, but I'll be back in time for my television show . '(SO'UA'D : CLANKING OF DOOR SffiPP . .ROCKE P RESAMES SPEED) JACK : . .BEFORE WE RF•ALIZID IT, MARS B N TO LOOM UP IN OUR SPACE SCOPE' . .NOW THE CRUCIAL MOLANDING WAS JACK : (REG . MIKE) Get the g osition . MARY: Landing position achieved . JACK : Jettison the ballast . MARY : Ballast jettisoned . JAC'd :iJ;j~on the sh1n . (SCUND : TEAtRIn'IC SQ,IIE4L OF AUTO BRAKES AND TIRES) JACK : --H~ . . . .Old fashioned sound man! F3T}St3 1 0183795 -19- JACK : (FII,TER) TONGA AND I GOT OUT OF THE SHIP . . THE FIRST EARTHLINGS TO IAND ON MARS . . . AS WE WALKED AROUND, WE WERE AMAZED AT THE WEIRD ATMOSPRERE . . . '.7~ I P~N-~Rffffr-HEBR~4'- 8§~A~iioa~m=ss' WE SAW A STRANGE CREATURE APPROACAIQG US . . . 2v """'' °'^^' ' ^t,.-' -n - "^°° . . . . TI ME WAS LIFE ON MARS . . . AS IT CAME CLOSII3, L NERVOUSLY GRIPPED MY DISINT .FGRATOR GUN . . . I THEN THIS CRFATtJRE STOPPED, OPENED PPS MOUTH, AND SAIDt MEL : DIIHfIIII]Effii, WELCOME TO MARS : JACK : (REG . MIKE) We ee~ rf om earth . . . I am Cormm.nder Corey . . . and this is Tonga . MEL : Tonga? MARY : Yas I why are you staring at me like-~that . . . haven't you ever seen a woman before? MEL : Not`f-a a long long time . JACK : Wait a minut . you mean there d'no women on Mars? MEL : No . . . we used to h/av but we sent them away . . . we got rid of g.13. h- t e women a sand years ago . JACK : (FII,TFA) -_YES, THE RIDDLE OF THE AGES 4~.fiNSFIERID . . . TRERF -biASLIFE ON MARS SUT TREY W ERE A CRAZY NIKID t\JP PUPiC,H OF ~. KIDS . . . I ASKED THIS CRFA MORE QUESTIONS . JACK : (REG . MI1CE) As ou ~~re sb~PlJEew overyouur planet, we didn't f see any farms . MEL : Duhhh,~we have no £arms . JACK : -Btr,I Mei1 where do you raise your animals and vegetables? fl r X 01 0 7 8 3796 -20- MEL : We don't have none . JACK : Well, for heavens sakes, what do you eat? MEL: Duh, we have plenty -- we eat irradiated air, powdered uranium, condensed hyddrogen and cimeron rolls . JACK: (FILTIIt) I COULD SEE I WOULD GET N(7r1fBR,5 WITH 1iQ.t, SO I ASKED FIIM TO TAKS ME TO HIS C7IIEF . . . ft91D .A-FPki MINUTES LATER WE FOUND OURSELUFS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON ON THE ENTIRE PIANEP ., DEA'ERIIVTIALLY I BOWID ~TO~ IiIId AND SAII) : JACK : (REG . MII{E) Are yourleader of the Martians? DF34NIS : Today, yes . . but I'm quitting your show tomorrow . JACK : (FI'LTER) I STAR'ED AT THI3 MARTIAN 134 AMAZIIvffiPT . . . . . ON EARTH WE HAD BEIIV LED TO BELIEVE THAT ALL ISVING THINGS ON MARS HAD HUGE, TRESAu'.,~IDOUS HF'ADS . . . THIS ONE FAD NO HEAD AT ALL . . HE INTERRUPTEa DLY OBSERUATION BY ASKING : IS : Where do you come from? JACK ; (REG . MIKE) We come from another planet, xPoh . DEYNIS : t is earth like7 JACK : Well, 14's much different from Ma s . . . This is a dull areary place . . . no vegeta n . . . no animals . . no women . . . it's ~tarribl . DENNIS : What is Earth JACK: It's beaut7.Yu1 . . . floweNl~ltrees, rivers, lakes, and gorgeoa woMen . DENNIS : ,.If Hg.rth is so beautiful, why did~qyu leave it to come to thisterrible place? 19 Y H O7 07 8 3 7 9r _21- ,'nv~er----is DIIVNIB : You made a mistake cnming here . . . we tolerate no strangers . MARY: But we are friends . DE3QNI3 : Guazds . . . get ready to kill these people . MELi"'^--.Du .h both of them? DENNI3 : Yes . . . him you can er Z'11 tell you a JA` CI Wait a minute, you can't kill me .I you can't kill me .•- YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T : BEA : Sir, you'll have to loweryour voice, this is a public library. . .~. JACK : Huh? - BEA : I said lower your voice, this is a library . JACK : Oh, I9 M~ o~rrg -3 was reading this book and was carried awayfor awhile I was in the twenty-fifth century . t BEA : Then I was mistaken, you certainly do wear well . I . JACK : Thank you . . . I'll take this book home with me •• . I'll finish it after I do my television show . .- Goodbye . f (APPLAUSE AND PIAYOFF) 19 T IX10 7 0 183?98 JACK: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll be back in just a moment to tell you about my television show which goes on immediately after this program ...... But first, a word to cigarette smokers . . ., otN hin¢ -- No Nothing -- beats better taste . And Remember ...... _ I I RM Ai'M 0 7 0 7 8 379 9 • The American Tobacco Co . The Jack Benny Show (radio) ^ Mey 17, 1953 (transcribed May 13, 1953) ~ C1.OS7S1G COMMERCIAL COLISNS : Luckies taste better CHORUS ; Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLINer Luckies taste better CHORUB : Cleaner, fresher, smoother , For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-ta pting fine tobacco COLLIPk9 : Luckies taste better . CHORUB : Cleaner, fresher, smoother - Lucky Strike . . . iucky Strike ~ WIISON: Friends, when it comes to really enjoying a cigarette, ._ . , . . . ._ ...... _ . . remember this . .nothing -- no, notbing - beats better taste . And Luckies taste better -- cleaner, fresher, L smoother . Luc'aies taste better because they're actually made better . Made round and firm and fully pscked, to k draw freely and smoke evenly . Then., too, Luckies taste better because they're made of fine tobacco . I guess the whole world knows IS/MNT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco with a wonderful aroma and even better taste . So for the real deep-down smoking enjoyment of a better-tastinR cigarette, smoke Lucky Strike -- the cigarette that has better taste when it's made -- and still has that better taste when you smoke it . Yes, next time you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of better-tasting Lucky Strike .,. . . . : ...... - ...... l. SPORTSNZN Be happy -- go Lucky QUARTET: Get better taste today (Long Close) HT ;h07 0183800 JACB:p'y&, Ladies and gentlemen, my producer is signalling me that I'ma .Little. .early . .He means I'm a little early formy -tw&iw~ show which goes on iamtediately after this radio program. . .But I'm a little late on this program so _ I better say "goodbye" on radio and in a few seconds I'll say "$ello" on television . . ..Boy, am I a crazy . mixed up kid : Goodnight, everybody. (APPLAIISE & MUSIC) DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, George Balzer, A1 Gordon, Hal Goldman and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of,the American Tobacco Company . . . America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . H TiStl'1 0183601 PROGRAM 3~ REJIBED CRIIT AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY . ' LUCKY eTRIKE PFIE JACK BEM Y PROGRAM SUNDAY, MAY 24, 1953 CBS 4 :00-4 :30 PM PIYP (TRANSORISED MAY 20, 1953) EC Ai' 9U7 0 983 80 2 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM ~" AMERICAN TOSACCC 00 . mAY 24, 1953 ( TRA NSCRIBED MAY 20, 1953) OPENING COB AE I : The RCIAL WILSON Jack Benny program . . . ' transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike . . . (PAUSE) Friends . . for real deep-down smoking enjoyment remember . . . nothing - no, nothing - beats better taste . . . and . . . , COLLINS : Luckies taste better . . : Cleaner, fresher, smootPer. CHORUS : . : Luokies taste better . . . COLLINS , CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smootHer ; . . For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Richer-tasting fine tobacco . . . COLLINS : Luokies taste better . . . I CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . . Lucky Strike . . . Lucky Strike . . . WILSON : This is Don Wilson . In one respect, all cigarette smokers are alike . They all want a cigarette that tastes better . Naturally . . . nothing - no, nothing beats better taste . . And Luckies taste better - cleaner, fresher, smoother, { , These are the reasons . Luckies taste better because they're I made of fine, light naturally mild tobacco, with its own i refresh.ing aroma, its own wonderful taste . Yes, LS/MFT - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Then, too, Luckies taste better because they're made better . They're round and i firm and fully packed, to draw £reely and smoke evenly . But ! that's not all . To make sure that you get Luckies' better t taste in all its natural freshness, every pack is extra tightly sealed . 1 (MORE) 191- X01 018 3 8 03 ~ TF1E JACK BENNY PRCGRAM . AME RICAN TOBACCO C0 .gIB ,AY OPENIP~G1C05t1MERCIALC(COSITD~D) 20, '953) WIL90N : When ou o n (CONT'D) y ~ your Luckies, you'll find the cigarettes Inside are as fresh as the day tl-,ey were made . So, friends switch to Lucky Strike . j The ciga .rette that tastes better . . . cleaner, fresher, i smoother . Yes, be happy - go Lucky . . . next time and f every time ask for a carton of fresher tasting, better- f tasting Lucky Strike . . . . I COLLINS : Luckies taste better . . . I CHORUS : Cleaner, £resher, smoother . . . f Lucky Strike . . Lucky Strike . . . t MUSIC : (PROGRBM TREME. UP AND DOYIN) . Fitx 0 9 018a 8 04 (FIRST ROUTINE) (AF'ffi2 COMNIIiCL4L, MUSIC UP AND DCWN) DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WITH MAR`l LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YCURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE . . .MCSIC UP ANND DOWN) DON : LADIES AND GENTIEMEN . .LETIS GO OUP TO JACK BENNY'S HOME IN BEVERLY HILLS WHERE, AS YOU KNOW, RE LIVES ALONE 11ITH HIS BUTLER, ROCHESTER . -IT'S NINE THIRTY IN THE MORNING AND AS USUAL, ONE IS IN BED WHIliE TRE OTHER IS IN THE KITCHEN PREPARING &REA'EFAST . JACK : (PAUSE) Now let's see, where are the eggs? . . .Gee, it's so ha.rd to find anything in this refrigerator . Maybe i I oughta trade it in . I hear the newer models tiave a light in 'am . Oh, here's an egg on the bottom shelf . (HUbSS) Pretend you're happy when you're b1ue . .Should I have ons egg or take two . . . . . Eh, one egg's enough . . .I just said two so it would rhyme . (SCUND : REERIGERATCR DOOR CLOSES) JACK : I think i'll scramble it . . .Let's see, now . . first I'il break it into this bowl . (SOL^.PD : FIVE CLICKS OF EGG ON SIDE OF BOWL) JACK: Hmmm . (SOUND : FIVE CLICKS GF EGG ON SIDE OF BOWL) JACK: Gosh, I'm weak in the morning . . .Maybe I better have my orange juice first . . .Yeah . .I'll maice some J*a• ~eG (SOUND : CUTTING ORANGE . .S@UEEZING JUICEdINTO GLASS) EC tR7i{ 0 4 0 7 6 3 80 5 JACK: /t That orange ,wic syre looks good . . .Now to get -`-the seeds out . . }7oy.,/khere's one . .two . .three . .four . .five . . . I think I'll go outside and---- Nah, it would take them years to grow . . .(SINGS) Pretend you're happy when you're blue . . I . (SOUND• PHOIdE RINGS OFF) JACK: Now who can that be? I (SOUND : FEW FOOTSTEPS . .bOR OPENS & CIpSES . . LONG FOOTSTEPS . . .PR@lE RINGS AGAIN . . I RECEIVER IIP) . JACK : Hello . - I RUBIN : Hello, this is Russer's Jewelry store in Beverly Hills . I JACK : Yes . RIIBIN : The diamond necklace with the emerald perulant you ordered is ready and we can deliver it today . .Please have your check for twelve thousand dollars ready . JACK:"~i ~TLs i,g Jack Denny• • -pinphaIps yow1ha e the wrong number . : Sv+~6fc iure-N RL`BIN 1,Aven't been this wrong since I gave two to one on Wolcott . (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN) i JACK: I (SOL7VD : FOOTSTEPS) { JACK: What reason would I have to buy a diamond necklace? (SOUND : DOOR OPENS & CLOSES . .FOOTSTEPS) EC fiT ;M[.~1 0183506 JACK : It would look silly on me . Now to have my oran-- Say, that2 s funny, the glass is empty . .Somebody drank my orange juice . .Hmm .there's nobody in the l house but RocHester aad~--Tbatls it . .Rochester . .Wait'll I-- (SOUND : FEW FAST FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR OPENS . . .FAST FO~OTSTEPS . . .RUNNING UPSTAIRS . . .bOWN HALL DOOR OPENS ) JACK : Rochester . .Rochester, did you drink my orange juice? ROCH : (SNORE) . . . JACK : Rocl+sster! 7Cou're not fooling me . .Get up ! ROCH : (LONG SNORE ) JACK : Rochester! . . ( ROCH : (SNORES AND THEN MUMELES) I KNOW I'M CU'TE, HONEY, BUT CONTROL YOURSELF . JACK : Hmm . .maybe he is asleep . .I'll tickle him and wake him up . ROCH : (SNORES AND GIGGLES) JACK : Rochester-- 0 d%t ROCH : (@UICK SNORE) ON ,`I IT 1 S YOU, BOSS, WHAT A DISAPPOINThTEvT . - . .JACK . Never mind that . .did you sneak downstairs, drink my ._ cranga._juice and get back in bed ? ROCH : ORANGE JUICE? '--J-WAS SOUND ASLEEP. f .~ JACK : Sound asleep?,. ...Then how come,you woke up so fast whe n I tickled you ? ROCH : YOU WERE USING THE HAND_- YOU HAD_..___ IN~ THG ICE DO% . JACK : Nov, Rochester, I made a glass of orange juice, I went in the next room to answer the phone, and when I came back, the orange juice was gone . Rr ,X01 01838 0 ? ROCH: MAYBE TI3E MICE DRANK IT . JACK: Mice don't drink orange juice . ROCH: IN CAISFORNIA? JACK: All right, I know you drank it ; but we'll talk about it later . . .NOw get out of iizt bed . 1-7~Wwant you to drive me down town to the doctor'soffice . I!aB-got to gc for a pkq•sical . . ROCH: WHAT'S THE MATT'c'.R, BOSS? YOU FSf;L BAD? JACK: No no . .it's just that my sponsoNS#s, .taking out an insurance policy on me and I have to be examined . . ROCH: H0',T MUCH 15 THE POLICY FOR? . JACK: A million dollars . .but if I'm killed accidentally, the sponsor collects two million dollars . ROCH: 1W0 MILLION?JACK : Yes . ROCH: BOSS . .YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR STEP . I HEAR YOUR SPONSOR'S HOBBY IS R='LE SHOOTING : Oh. .I'm not worried about. JACK that . . He does his target practice I on a range way out at Sunset and Westwocd . .VgM I don't even pass there on my way home . ROCH: I KNCW, BUT FOR TWO MILLION DOiS9RS TfIEY CAN MAKE A BIILLET THAT WAITS FOR YOU AT PICO ADID SEPOLVF'DA . S JACK : What are you talking about? My sponsor #s-just trying to protect his investment, that's all . Now hurry downstairs . (SOUiVD : DOOR CLOSES . .FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALL AND DOWN I STAIRS) CB I HT :n 01 0 1 83808 JACK: (OVER FOOTSTEPS) Imagine him denyl.^gthat .he drank that orange juice . .(MAD) =iyws ot a ood notion to make him stay in bed all d a~_ . .No, 'd like that . . (HOUND: DOOR OPENB. . .FOOTSTEPS) JACK: aockkase-te .~ better squeeze another orange . (80UND: CUTTING CRANGE . .SQUEF;ZING IT)'/ ~-`az-a J JACK : Well, that does it . MARY : (OFF) OH JACK . .JACK, ARE YOU UP YET? JACK : Huh? CH HEIJ,O MARY, COME ON IN . .I'M IN THE KITCHEN . .WHAT- ~ ARE YOU DOING HERE SO EARLY? ~ MARY: Early? I was here a few minutes ago . I came into the house, walked into the kitchen, nobody was there, so I i drank a glass of orange juice and left . ! JACK : Mary . .you . .you drank my-- ' ! MARY : All right, here's a dime . ( JACK : (IiIMIICKING) Here's a dime, here's a dime . . .Don't be so . ` sarcastic . . .I've made a terrible mistake . I accused Rochester of drinking my orange juice . We1u1~,Jzthat's ~yo~u, J,~ack . Alw~azys j~umping ak con lusions : I Pdqr7not . ~~ . CK tiµ~w. MARY : What~about that morning you got out of bed, and accused i Rochester of taking your new suit . . i JACK: Well . . CB RYX 0 7 018 3 8 09 I- -6- MARY : ~ ,~Then you took off your nightgown and there it was . JACK : k~"That wasn't my fault . When I come home tired, be's I supposed to undress me . MARY : Well, anyway, I drank yoqr orange juice and you oughta apologize to Rochester : (BASHP4IL) Oh Mary, I don't. JACK have to apologize, he knows I'm sorry . MARY: n He does not and you've gotta tell him . JACK: Mary, I can't . MARY: You can too . .now be a man : OH, AELLO MISS LIVINQSTONE. ROCH . MAAY: He1lo,Rochester . . .Mr . Benny has something to say to you . JACK : . . . . .Oh . . : Jack, go ahead. mA2tY . JACK : . . . 7,811 . . I MARY: Jack . . . JACK: Oh al1 right . . . . Rochester . . MARY : Turn around and face him! JACK: Ch. MARY : Go on : Wel1 . .Rochester. JACK . . RCCH : YES BOSS . JACK : ...... (F9ST) I'm sor-_^y I said you drank my orange juice . (SOL]QD : 5 FAST RD1VIdING FOOTSTEPS . . .IpJD DOOR SLAM) 1 MARY : JACK, COME BACK HERE! JACK : ' (OFF) I WILL iVOT! MARY :What a baby . EC RrM 0 3 018 :.3 8 7C) ROCH : WELL~, I BETTER GET TRE CAR OL'T . I GOTTA TABE MR . SENNY TO THE DOCTOR . MARY : Thedoctor . .what for? ROCH : THE SPONSOR TOOK OUT AN INSURANCE POLICY AND tgi . DENIdY HAS TO BE FAAM ITm'D . °-,--.MPY : Oh. .do ye-a think he'll pass it, Rochester? : PAS- T? S1RE, MISS.S.Ii7]NGSTOM .HAVEN'T.--ROCH YOU EVER SEEN~3I$"PNSCLES? °-..~---~~ ___VgY ~~--Y'e'a",_ thag were h2.nging on _he line wt:en~I`c ieaue~n : Rochester . ~ JACK : Oh, you're . MARY back . 4 JACK : Yes . .Rochester, get the car now and we'll go . Now I've " gotta hurrg, Mary, so gon-- (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) JACK : Oh darn it, there's the phone . .Just when I'm ready to leave . (SOUND : HECEIVrR UP) JACK : Hello . I DON : (HIGH VOICE) Hello Jack, guess who thls is . JACK : Huh? Who is t1+1s? I'm in a hurry . DON : (HIGH VOICS) I'll give you a hint . Roses are red ' Violetr are blue Sugar is sweet And I'm lumpy, too . (LAUGHS NP.TURALLY) JACK: Oh for heaven's sake, Don, I have to rush away . What did you call me for? I EC I flTK 01 0 1 838 1 7 _g_ DON : Well Jack, I've got the 8portsmen'here and we've got a wonderful idea for a commsrcial . JACK: But Don, I don't want to hear it over the phone . You can ,l wait till rehearsal . Anyway, I don't like the songs they%~ ~ pick~../~ don't they pick something classy once iu a while? DON: Clasgy . .htyat's exactly what this one is . , JACK: Don, you've been saying for years that these coiwuereials are classy and that quartet always winds up going crazy . DON: Not this time, Jack . You'll love this one . ~0 z JACKt ~ . I .wil14 . . .Wel1, let me hear it . Are the boys close to the . phone?QUART : HMNIIM . I JACK: All right, Aon, let se hear it . DON: TAKE IT, BCY3 CB (iTMQ1 0 1 83 612 -BA- O,UART: LSMFT . , _ THAT'S THE SMOKE FOR ME LUCKIES TASTE SETTER AND THEY ARE SMOCTH AS CAN BE TAY ONE AND SEE f/ ~&~,, LET'S LIGHT A LUCKY . 'CAUSE THERE IS NEOER A PUFF . THAT EVEt IS ROUGH PUFF ON A LUCKY YOU SHOULD PUFF ON A LUCKY TEFE A PUFF, TAKE A PUFF 'CAUSE WE KNOW THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET ENOUGH OF A LUCKY, GET ENOUGH OF A LUCKY SURE ENOUGH, SURE ENOUGH YOU WILL LIKE A LUCKY STRIKE MADE OF LIGHT AND FINE TOBACCO SMOKE A LUCKY . . ROUND AND FIRM AND FULLY PACKED ~ SO SMOKE A LUCKY LIGHT UP A LUCKY YOU'LL BE RIGHT WITH A LUCKY DON'T DELAY, START TODAY CAUSE ivE KNOW TAAT YOU WILL SAY YOU LIKE 'EM YES LUCKY STRIIO; IS MUCR TAE SEST TAKE A LUCKY FROM YOUR VEST MAKE A TEST YOU WILL SAY THEY ARE THE HEST B?63'P (MOAE) CB Fdl"XC)7 C)7N3S73 QUART : FOR LUCKY STRIKE PtEAPlS FIHE TOBACCO CONT) LA LA LA L4LALALA LA LA L.9 SUCH L,IGH1 AND FINE AND MILD TOBACCO LA LA IA LA IA LA LA LA LA LA I8, IS, N7 , IS, IS, ME Is,IS,rs, ~u'T L4, ISMF'P . .: JACY : Thanks, boys . QUART : FT JACK: Thanks, boys . QUART : FT . JACK : U9~'Ahanks, §w,}s . QUART : FT, FT, FT, FT, FT WE I4VUW YoU I LL LII~ A LUCKY BT&IKE . (SHOT) STRL'GE (SHOT, SHOT) LUCITr STRIISE . (APPLAUSE) , CS RTMOt ClTN36'14- -9- E (SECONn RovrINE) JACK: . . . . Don . . .Don . . .why is it Jaba -S they always start out so i nice and then go crasy? . . .We can't use that commercial, 1 it's too noisy, Anyway, where did they get that gun? DON : They found it on a bench at Pico and Sepulveda . I JACK: NO! 1 DON : WPat's that, Jack? JACK : Nothing, nothing . . .I'11 see you at rehearsal . t (SOUND :RECEIVER DOWN) . I JACK: Hmm . . I thought Rochester was only guessing . . .Well, I'm gonna have my orange juice and then go . . .Rochester, . did 1 you get the car started? ROCH : UA HUH . , . JACK : How did you get it started so fast? ROCH : BOSS, WfEN I ffiVOW YOII'RE GOIN' OUT TH13 NEXr MOBNING, I I LET IT RUN ALL NIGHT . JACK : Gh . MARY : Jack, letting your car run all night . ( .doesn't that burn vo an awful lot of eharccal? f JACK : Not much. . .Wel1, coma on, Rochester, let's -- MARY : Well, look who's here . Mn9 -CM~11°2o'n-r~' . IIENNIS :-4U-g~e~s~~,.-. Hello, everysody . .2 came in through the kitchen . JACK : 0h,'Y~e11o, Dennis . DENNIS : Hello, Ms . Benny, and thanks for the orange juice . JACK : Oh, for heaven's sake . . .What do you think this is, a cafeteria? .,,` BH H rrsOT 0Tt13d39 MARY & DENNIS : $es. : ns not.pJACK just the orange juice, it's the principle . I'm trying to conserve food . . DENNIS : My mother conserves food every night . JACK : Well, she deserves a lot of cxredit . .How does she do it? DENNIS : Ylhen it's time for dinner, she locks me in a closet . JACK : Dennis . DENNIS : But last night I got even with bar . I ate the door lmob . JACK : What? - DENNIS : Now every little thing turns my stomach . JACK : Look kid . .I haven't had my breakPast yet, leave me alone, .W,y~a~tj~ brings you over here, anyway? DENIYIS : Well, I~`1f~ae aanerangement for my sang and I' Manhed-you 0 ar it . ~ : es' t% me~~- . JACK ~~~/-~do I have to hear it now?A So early? DENNIS : Oh, ~$a isn't early, Mr . Benny . . .I'm up and dressed and out of the house at five o'clock every morning . JACK: Five o'clock? What for? 13ENNIS : The busses aren't crowded . JACK : Donnis, where do you have to go at five o'clock in the morning? DENNIS : No place, but I get a seat . JACK : Here kid, have a door knob . MARY : Jack, net in the bead . EC HT ;hOt 0 1 8 3816 rY JACK : Look Dennis, you sing your song °or Mary and sh.e'11 I tell me how it is . I've gotta have breakfast and away to the doctor's . DENNIS!~hyI don't blame you . You look awful . JACK : What? J A ~, DENNIS : Sing, 3ews+Ys, . . JACK: You said it . . .I'll see you kids later . .Goodby . t (APPIAUSE) (DfiNNIB'E SONG -- "I BEISE4E") (APPLAUSE) I EC flT ;,4C14 n7 R 3E317 ~ -12- (THIRD ROUTINE) . . _ . ~ (SOUftD : I4USY MOTOR) JACK: Rochester, we're awfully late . Can't you go a little faster? ROCH : OKAY . (SOUND : MOTOR FAST;R ~ JACK : You Imow, right aftei"'rtake my physical, we'11 go down +.~-- (SOUND : IAIID GUN SHOT) JACK: Rochester . .Rochester . . theY Kot me! . .the got me! I ROCH : GET BACK IN THE SEAT, BOSS, THAT WAS A TIRE . JACK: -9k . .I should have known, we're only at .Pico and Roxbury . (SOUND : CAR STOPS) JACK: Rochester, you change the tira, -iwd I can wa7k to the doctor's office from here , '1~ Z . (TRANSITION MUSIC) 1 (SOUND : SLOW FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Let me see, his office should be around here . .Oh, there it is ., .Doctors Fenchel and Gordon . (SNUND : LOOR OPENS . .COUPLE FOOTSTEPS) JACK : (CLEARS THROAT) BEA : Yes sir? JACK : How do you 3o . .I'm"Jack Benny . BEA : Oh yes, you have an appointment for a physical examination . JACK: That's right . BEA : Well, I'll have to fill out th is card first . . .Name . . . Jack Benny . . JACK: That's right . H 1 :K 0 7 0783875 E ..°t'°. -` `, • -13- BEA : Your address? JACK : 366 No . Camden Drive . ( , BEA : Your eomplexion? JACK : Ruddy . BEA : Color of your eyes? JACK : Lazy Lagoon Blue . BEA : Your height? , JACK : Five foot ton . BEA : Your weight? JACK : ~// A hundred and fifty-seven . ' BEA : ~-Now I'll just slip this band around your arm . .there . JACK: Hey, this is awfully tight . . what is it? BEA : A lie detector, the next question is your age : Now wait a minute, I don't need a lie detector. JACK to tell you my age, I'm thirty-nine . (SOUND : FIRE AIARtd BELLRIriU8 LOUDLY) JACK : Look, ~, a lie detector can be wrong, too~ BEA : Well, Mr . Benny, if you'11 just sit over there and wait, t the doctors will .see you in a minute . JACK : Thank you . (SOUND : i•OCTS4EFS . .SCU?'FIZ: NG OF CHAIR) .x?. 4~ totc. JACK : How do you like thst . .using a lie-deet,er when she asked my age . .None of the other nurses ever did that . They ask me my age, I tell them I'm thirty-nine and they put down whatever they think . . . . I've got a good mind (SCLIIJD : DJOR OPENS) V 1 HT :K 0 7 0 783819 /ed d"I BOB : (LP ) 1 SO LONG, DOCTOR, • THATT_tiS A LOT . (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES) JACK :,,~ BOB : BOB : CA, Hello, Jack. JACK : BobO w~haa e you doing here? Well Jack, I didn't want to worry anybody, but I've been ~ S.ng awfully weak lately . \ JACK : Weak? BOB : Yeah . . .After la e LV4unday's brcadez5s t I could hardly carry Remley off the stage . JACIf: No kidding . . BOB : Twice..P'dropped Frankle on his head . JACK:-'"Good . . .Good . . .One good for each time . . .Well, wEtat,~ara they ~ ,~ you., Bob'_____.-____r,_ BOB :piP.EtThey took this X-ray of ine~ • .I just picked it up . JACK : Oh. .Say, what's the writing down in the corner of the %-ray? . . .the name of the doctor? t . n BOB :, ~~ Nc,,:it says, "To Brother Bing, with Love ;" I'm eS.ving it to him for his birtHday : Bob . .why in the world would. JACK you give Bing an X-ray for a present? BOB :l24~'8e's got everything else . JACK: Well, that's logical . .may I take a look as it, Bob? BOB : Sure, go ahead~ kY _' -' (SOUND : RIISTLING OF PAPER AND CELLIILOID) . A7":K 01 018 3 820 -15- JACK : ?et me see . . .Bob, nothing shows in this X-ray••why is it ( so blurry7 ~A , BOB : A' You have to use nolorol3 glasses, it's three dimensional . JACK: A three dimensional X-ray? ~ BOB : , The 3octora 11k®d-it better thaMHouse of Wax . - ( JACK : No kidding? BOB : S W Jack, what are vou doing here? . JACK: Oh, it's .nothing, I just came for an insurance examination . ~5 ~, The sponsor ',a taking out a million dollar policy on me . BOB : A million 3ollars . .1 Gosh, he must think a lot of you . Oh, he does, Bob, he does . In fact, I have a sneaky suspio`on he's going to send me a 3i .amond ne BOB : We11, that Tdon't understand at a JACK : I'll explain it to you .a . . .So long, Bob . BOB : So long . . .oh J a ~m curious .a,boul: something . JACK: What BOB : ,.--'You say your sponsor is taking out a million-doll_ar insurance roolic•yon you9 I JACK: Lh huh . BOB : Well, who's going to pay the five dollars for the medical exam? . .you or 7-i sponsor? JACK : The Blue Cross, I found a loophole . . . . So long, Bob . BOB : So lon g . (SOUND : bbOTSTEPS . . .D00R CIASF.S) BBA : Oh, Mr . Benny, the doctor will see you now . JACK : Thank you . (SOUND : FEW FOOTSTEPS. . .DOOR OPENS) DH FtT)(09 C]1B3621 -16- JACK : Oh, Doctor . . .Doctor? NfiT.SON : Yesssssssi~~ JACK : . . . . 4iell,' here I am . NGLSON : Oh . (SOUND : RGCEIVER UP ., .DIALING OF 5 NUMERALS ON PHONE) NELSON : . . . . . Hello,Bolton's Mortuer9? . . . . JACK : 4lhat ? I NELSON : I'm having lunch with Ralph Bolton . ( JACK: Oh . { NFS.40N : We're quite friendly . . .I throw him a lot of business . JACK : I see . NcISONc Hello , Ralph . . .One thirty at the Brown Derby? Fine . . . . I Goodbye, Ralph . ( (SOUNID : RxEIVERDOWN) ~ NEtSON : I like going out with him, he drives such a big cer . . . And now, Mr . Benny, I'll get my associate in here and we'll i give you your exsmination . . . . (UP) Oh Doctor Gordon . . . . . EL: (SLIGAT MOOLEY) Yes, Doctor Fenehel . NEISON~~:/ Will you help me with this examinati.on? . .This is Mr . Benny . JACK :6~, Pleased to meet you, Dr . Gordon . bI6L : U2-- .Thank you ., .Now Mr . Benny, will you please strip? JACK: You mean undress? MEL: Ye9, W. JACK : All right . (BAND PLAYS "A PRETTY GIRL IS IIKE A MG7ADY") 19 i'XOi O'1 83 8 22 -17- 1&-21- , JACiS : Doctor / I 3on I t need the music . NELSON : I'm sorry, our last patient was 7z H: i a-8+r.-9yr~. JACK: Oh . MEL : Now get behind that screen and take off your clothes : JACK : Yes sir . MEL : When you're ready,Dr. Fenchel and 7: will be in the next room . (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES) NEL80N : Oh Doctor, I've been concerned about that call you made this mo~ing . .,any information yet? N1E[. : YeB~ I_ngot a report from Dr . Stanley and . . .and . .it's all over . N"L80N : What was the result? MaC. : She ran fifth and we lose four bucks . taTsetv . . . . --eok-a MEL : Ieak. . . . . I wonder what's taking Mr . Benny so long. I (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) h EL: P4r . Bennyp,-laaua you got all your clothes off? JACK: Ys9~ yesei• I A7GL : Then come out from behind that screen . JACK : Well gee, don't I get belloons or anything? sl p gown . MEL : 41 Jus't i on this JACK : Yes sir . . .There, I'm ready . NELSON : Very well . . . .Now, Mr . Benny, will you please step behind this fluroscope? DH NT ;K 0 7 0 1836 2 3 ~ _ ...... JACK : Yes sir . PIELSON : Contact . MEL : Contact . (SOIIND :CLICK . .,SISGHT BUZZING OF FLUROSCOPE) NELSON : We111111 . .,there seems to be a roun d metallic object near ~~ your kidney . JACK :Tdat+s a quarter I swallowed years ago . . NELSONi Shall we, Dr . Gordon? MEL : Why not?i! .Mr . Benny, will you please hiccup? JACK: Hiccup? MEL : Yeak JACK : (HICCUPS) , ~ NELSON : (HAPPY) It's tails, Ir~rdon, you lose . JACK: What is this, anyway? ,._ MF- c Now hold still, Mr . Benny . We r:, ,, t to examine your stomach through the fluroscope . JACK : Yes, sir . ~ \~~hIEL : Say, you certainly had a nice breakfast this morn' 6'" . JACI~- Breakfast? MEL : ~Y~'~."s.,` .Orange juice, scrambled eggs ; coffee, and cimnaron rolls . JACK : Yes, I~ve grown-tiulite fond of them since they get such ~ laughs on my program . `. ftT .K07 078382 4 -19- NEISON : WaI}-}oetor~the spleen seems to be okay . . .and the pancreas~is in the right position . MEL : Ye~yea/L . .but look at the liver . NELSON : Tbe~liver? MEL : Yes~, what's that on top of it? NELSON : Well, I'll be darned . . .onlons . JACK : Sixty-nine cents at Rexall . NELSON : Now, Mr . Benny, drink this glass of bariiun . - JACK: You mean all that white stuff? NELSON : Yes . . .it~s a hasmless chemical and when you drink it, we 1 can follow its cours~e ttirough the fluroscope . - JACK : Oh . . . . all right . . .?. . .C,ee, . it t(astes awful . MEL : Drink it all . JACK : MEL : Oh look, Dr . Fenchel, the barium has reached the esopkiageal entrance . . . . there it goes over the cricoid cartili EIe . . . behind the tracheal bifurcation . . . through the arch of the aorta . . . .Now it I s passing tk e esophageal hiatus of the diaphsagm . JACK : If it passes Pico and Sepulveda, it's dead . t MEL : Now it's coming around the esophageal gastric junction . . . . i JACK : What? -k'HaL? NELSON : (EXCITED) ITIS PASSING THE KIDNEY ON THE OUTSIDE ., .HEADED INTO THE HOME STRETCH . IT'S BARIUM SULPHATE BY TWO LENGTHS . MEL ; COME ON, NATIVE DANCER! C01~'. ON, PWTIVE DANC3R : 9 r X01 01 e 3825 -20- NELSON : IT'S BARIUM BY A NOSE : ~NATIVE DANChI•i IS SECOND, AND fGRE ~~ a _- COb1E&•7SIAM6i L'Br-BFYAaF=- .SF,IP$-BN~ . JACK : DOCTORk DOCTORJ}, WHAT IS THIS? YffiAT'S GOING ON ME? MES. : Well, that's all . . The examination is over . You can go ~~Apnow . JACK :~/Thank you . (SOUND : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, .I700R OPENS i NELSON : Oh, Mr . Benny . . . 1 JACK : Yes . : You better. NELSON put gour clothes on . - JACK : Oh yes, 3qe . . .Cr'~ec~ sB~~C (SOUPID : OiPLE OF FOOTSM ?SI., .DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JACK : (SINGS) A PRETTY GIRL IS. LiKE A btES,ODY. . .DA DA. DE DUM IlA. ,,,,,__y..--__.____ :<,.__.. .~,.~.~...... z.. ._...... _,~.a .e...... ~,.._®. ..~. DDM . : .D'A DA DUM DUM DA DUM, DA DA I7E DA D .4 DA, R4 LF ...DA DE PA, DA DA DE DA . . .Well, I'm all dressed . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) : Godd- JACK , Doctors . MEL & NELSON : Goodbya, Mr . ~;y (SODND : F00TS'`I+}P-$,, Z DOOR OPENS) JACK : Goodbye, nurse . BEA : Yovr age? JACK : Thirty-nine:~ '(SOUND : IJE DETECTOR BEIS, RINGS LOUDLY) ~~ % .. JACK : Gee, it wasn't even on my arm . .(IiU'MS) D1 L'E DA DA . .DA DA 1 DA DA DE DUNI . .DA DA DLM DUM LLl DUM . . . ,.•~(APPLAUSE AND PLIYOFF) LiH HTi{0 1 0733 8 26 ' Tf Z' JACK BENNY PROGRAM AMERICAN TOBACCO CO . MAY 24, 1953 (`iR4NSCRIBED MAY 20, 1953) CLOSING COMb ERCIAL : WILSON ; Jack will be back in just a moment, but first, a word to cigarette smokers . . .nothing - no, nothing - . beats better taste . . . And remember . . . ( COLLINS : Luckies taste better . . CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . . COLLINS: Luckies taste better . : Cleaner, fresher, smoother. CHORUS . . For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco - Richer-tasting fine tobacco CGLLINS : Luckies taste better . . CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . . . I Lucky Strike . . Lucky Strike . . ~ WILSON : No doubt about it, folks, your enjoyment of a cigarette I really comes from its taste . So . . . to get the I complete smoking enjoyment you want, remember that -- I nothing -- no, nothing-beats better taste . . And Luckies taste better - cleaner, fresher, smoother . 1 Here's why . First of all Luckies are made of long I strands of _°ine, light, naturally mild tobacco, with I a wonderful arom?, and an even better taste . In fact, L4/iWE`T - Lucky Stri'Ke means fine tobacco . Furthermore, 1 Luckies are made better to taste better . They're round and firm and fully packed, to draw freely and i smoke evenly . Remember, friends -- only a cigarette I that tastes better can give you real, deep-down smoking enjoyment . CB A1-kS07 018 3827 TiLF dACK BIIRCiY ?aOGFAM AdTHICAN TOBACCO CO . tt4Y 24, 1953 (TaAN9cHEBED MAY 20, 1953) CLOSING COMMERCIAL (CO?VT'D) WILSCN : - And Luckies have that better taste, because they're (cont'd) made of fLne, tobacco, and made better . So wkW not -- be happy - go Lucky . . . When you step up for cigarettes . . . ask for a carton 1 of Lucky Strike . SPORTSMEN Be bappy - go Lucl~q UARTET : IANG CLOSE) Get better taste today . . . CB - flTi4O7 C)iN3N23 -21- (TAG) ...... r 1 NGSP,Y : Oh Jack, how d~idyour physical come out? JACK : Oh fine fineT~bu~I have to go back tomorrow . MARY : uhy? JACK : I forgot my underwear . .Goodnight, folks . (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC) , DGN : The Jack Benny Show was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . ! Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike . product of the American Tobacco Company . .America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . DH f pT X0 7 015382 9 PROGRAM #38 .REUI`.SED SCRIPT AMERICAN TOBA CCO COMPAPtt LUCKY BTRIISN THE JACK BFNNY PROGFAM BUNI39Y, MAY 31, 1953 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PI7P .(TRAN5CRIBN9 MAY 28, 1953) THE JACK HINNY PROGR9M AMEEiICAN TOBACCO COMPANY MAY 31, 1953 ('PBANSCRIDEC MAY 28, 1953) ' OPENING COMMM C7AL WIL50N: The Jack Benny program . . .'transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike! (PAUSE) Friends, in a cigarette . . .nothina - no, nothing -- beats better taste! And remember . . . COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, Presher,,smoother COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother For Lucky Strike meansfine tobacco I Richer-tasting fine tobacco . COLLINB : Luckies .taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike . . . Lucky Strike ~ WILSON: This is Don Wilson . As you know, friends, your enjoyment of a cigarette depends on its taste . That's right, nothing -- no, nothing -- beats better taste . And Luckies taste better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother . You see, Luokies' better taste really begins with the fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that goes into Lucky Strike . ! Yes, LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Then, too, Luckies taste better because they're made better . Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . To make sure that you get IAckies' better taste -- in all its natural freslmess -- every pack is extra tightly sealed . BR (CONTINUED) RT 111q0 4 0 783 8 31 THE JACK BENPtt PROGPAM -B- AMII2ICAN TOPACCO 00 . MAY 31, 1953 (TRANSCRIBID MAY 28, 1953) . _ ...... _, ...... OPENING COF41EftCSAL . .(CONTIlWID) . WIIHON : Yes, Luckies arg fresher . . .just smoke 'em and see! See (CONT'D) what eniovnment you get from a cigarette that ia mnde better to tate better, and ts ill has all its better taste when you smoke it . . .because it comes to you fresh . So friends, for all the deep-down smoking enjogment you . want from your cigarette, be happy -- go Lucky! Get the better tasteof Lueky Strike-and get it fresh! COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHOBUS : Cleaner,`fresher, smoother Lucky Strike . . . ..LuekyStrike i MUSIC : (PROGRAM TFII+1.E UP AND DCvlN)_ HT`S 0 7 0 183832 --_- -_~ _~ . THE JACIK HENNY PRCGRAM ~ . AMERICAN TOBACq0 00. ' , MAY 31, 1953 (Transoribed Mey 28, 1953) CLOSI NG COMb1ERCIAL: WIISON: Jack will be back in just a moment, but first a word to cigarette smokers , ., nothing - no, nothing - beats better taste! And remember . . . COLLSNS : Luckies taste better . CHOHUS : Cleaner, fresher,smoother COIdSNS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother , For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Lucky Strike . . . Lucky Strike WILSON : Yes, better taste is what you want from your cigerette ., For as you- know -- nothing no, nothing -- beats better taste! And Luckies taste better - cleaner, fresher, smoother . Here's why , . Luckies are made better to taste better . They're made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . And Luckies ere also made of long strands . of fine, light, naturally mild tobacco, with a wonderful i aroma and an even better taste . Yes, the whole world knows -- LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . No doubt ' about it, it's better taste that brings you real, deep-down 1 smoking enjoyment . And Luckies have that better taste, because they give you fine tobacco in a cigarette that's made better . So -- be happy -- go Lucky . Make your next 1 carton . . . better-tasting Luc Stri . SpORP3MEN QUARl'ET: Be Happy -- Go Lucky r (LONG CLC6E) Get better taste today . . NTM 0 9 C178383 3 (TRANSCRIPTION OF MAY 28TH) -1- (FIRST FnUTINE) . i C9FTER CONA4ERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : THL+ LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BFNNY . . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCFII+STE82, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . . (APPLAUSE. . .MUSIO UP AND D(k7N) DON : IADIFS AND GINTLEIIfEN . . .TNE LUCKY STRIBE RADIO SfIDW IS USUALLY REEN:'.~R ON SATURDAY MOR`iIINGS, AND AF`1'Eft TH2 . REHEARSAL, 3'r--PS CUSTOMARY FOR THFs CAST TO GATFffiY IN THE . DRUG STORE ACROSS THE STREET FOR A LIGHT LUNCH ENTERIlQG THE . AS OURSHWI OPENS, DENNIS AND I ARE JUSTDRUG STORE . (SOiTiD : DOOR OPENS . . . TINKLY BFi',L . . .LIGHT CRO (D ~ N0ISP5 UP . . .FADE TO B .G .) DENNIS :oky,We're the first ones here, Don . DON : Yes, Dennis . . . .Jaok and Bob Crosby had to stay to discuss , the music . DF.:+INIS : I'm glad it's not too crowded here, we can get seats right f away. DON : Yeah . . .WhereBwoslmd you like to sit, Dennis . . .aL-kiw Tble ornthe counter? DENNIS : The table... . .It's too dangerous sitting at the counter when you're eating with Mr . Benny . DON : What do you mean, dangerous? DEVNIS : When the check comes and he runs for the (}oor, he always 401- GIxV knocks me off Ay~ stool . . . . Let's sit^at this table . DON : Okay . (50UND: SCUFFLING OF CHAIRS) BR AT 901 0 7 8 3 8 34 DEtVNIS,:~f She33d-we order our lunch now or wait for the others? , DON :~4/~ We may as well wait . DENNIS : Okay . .4 ope they come soon . . .I'm so hungry I could eat e horse . . , ' DON : That's what I hzdfor breakfast . . ' DENNIS : C~ . . .H~ey , here comes Bob Crosby . . DON : (CALLS)^'BOB lL.~ .BOB . . .IH.RE WE ARE . BOB : (COMING IN ; H(i fellows, Sack'll be along DENNIS :,~ I thought he was coming with you . .~ BOB : He was, but he had to go back to his dressing room, he t forgot his hat . DON : Oh, for heavens sakes . . .it's Spring . . .wbat does he need his hat for? BOB : ~~ His hair•was in it . G~c . . DON : UN~ Here he comes now . . .8t~, JACKM WE'YR`?K OVER EERE . : Oh, hi, kids . .I didn't expect you to be at tk- JACK a tablq . . . thought you'd be sitting at th counter . DIlNVIS : I'm still black and blue from~last time . JACK : Hmm . DON : Sit down, Jack : SCRAPING. (SOUND OF CAAIRS) DON : ~I'll call the waitress . ~J JACK : Let me call her, Don . . .I.think she has a cresh on me . . . 1 (UP AND OOMPHY) Oh, ;31ss, Miss . . . IRIS : TWI-L4DDA YA WANT, MAC? JACK : We'd like to order . . .How about somo menues? IRIS : We haven't got any . BR RTXV1 0183 -3- JACK : Well, how do we know what to order? r IRIS : It's tattooe on my arm . .~/ .Y w-~.e~e,...~... JACK ~~ ~ 1 1 you t~ :at~ 11 ha'4e a roast beef sandwich and coffee . BOB : I'1l have the same . DENNIS : I'll have a roast beef sandwich, too . IRIS : What do you want to drink? . DENNIS : An oyster malted milk : An oyster malted milk?. JACK DFNNIS : `Jh huh : Dennls . JACK . .that isabeolutely ridiculous . . . ordering an oyster malted milk . . DENNIS : You're this month hasn't got an "R" in it . JACKc LookAMiss, get him anything . . . . anything at all . . IRIS : Okay, I'll bring him what he had yesterday . JACK: What did he have yesterday? . IRIS : Chicken soup . JACK : Well, that sounds sensible . IRIS : 'dith a ve hicken in it? JACK: Af3--r~h~, t . . .bring him anything . IRIS : ~ Will that be all? DOH1 : Wait a minute . . .you haven't taken my order, Miss . IRIS : Oh . . .what'll ~ygy, have, Titanic? DON : We11~~I'mA~ not Hery hungry . . .just bring me what I usually have . IRIS : I can't . DON : Why not? BR ftT X O7 01 8 3 8 36 IRIS : ,'~ The fellow who helps me carry it in is off today . DON : W'lnen just bring me a ham sandwich and a coke . IRIS : Okay . (SOUND : DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS) BOB :" Say Jack, I meant to ask you something . . .when do we go JACK : e d"oo ouril~af t,xadio s}zpwer.nos,t 3u y . BOB : Oh . . .Gee, ttaet=~::[ stn'/ JKA''t-€ergetr JACK : Forget what? BOB : To wake Remley up and tell him to go home : Yeah, don't forget . . .I don't want to pay . JACK bhs4 janitorfpr dusting, ~ftall/ summer . . .By the way, Bob, what are t~Qy=p boys~ go"in'g to do during their vacations? BOB : Well, Charlle Bagby is going back FBst to his brother's farmAa,_Folletcher is taking an auto trip around the country, and'm/y drummer, Snmmy, is going to Leavenworth for three yq months . JACK :~Pay Leaven'w~JoZrut/h grison? BOB : Uh huhQhe 'Qs~Willie Sutton's summer replacement . JACK: Well, I'll be darned . DON : Say Jack, why wasn't Mary at rehearsal today? JACK: I don't know . . .she didn't call or anything . Toward the end of the season everybody does what they want to . DENNIS : Gee, I hope the waitress hurries with the order . . .I want to go to the hoenital and see my mother and father . BOB : Your mother and father are in the hospital, Dennis? DENNIS : Yeah, they have to have an operation . BR Pi TX 0 7 0 78383i -5- JACK: hey both need an operation at the same time? t DENNIS : Uh huh . . .the doctors have to get her fist out of his mouth . JACK: What? I DENNIS : Yeah, and it's all your fault : M_g fault! . JACK DENNIS : last week I decided to quit your show and I was talking it over with my mother . JACK: Well, how does your father fit into : He took your side . .this? DENNIS JACK : Oh, and that was when your mother -- P DENNIS : Yeah, for years she's been telling papa, "One of these days, one of these days," and this time -- Powww, right i in the kisser . JACK : fbc . . . . Dersis, I don't believe one word of 1t . ' IRIS : (COffiING ISi) Here's t&w grub . (SOUND : TPAY WITH FOOD BEING PiPP DOWN) IRIS : Here's your three roast beef sandwict~s . (SCUND: THREE PIATPS ON TABIE) ~ IRIS : And here's your chicken soup . ` NtEL : (CLUCKS L CHICKEN) ~ DENNIS : Oh boy, just the way I like it . 1 JACK : I'm glad, I'm glad . i (SCUND : CHAIR SCRAPFS BACK) JACK: Where are you going, Bob? BOB : ~'TSene's a juke box over ~~ ~sqyme music while we eat . K Vu (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . .Tf E[V STOP) BR Rrxor 0183838 ~ BOB : tlar let's see . . .whe.t'11I play? . . . . Rmn,4~ that song's his . . That one is h~is,,~j too . . .the next one . .and the one s_fter . that . . .and,~the dne after that, also . . .Well, it,looks like ?1ll just have to give my brother a nickel . . .vr {oo they've got one of Dennis Day's recbrds, "Blue Gardenia" . . . .(CALIS) Hey,Bellrdr~- . DENNIB : (OFF) What? I BOB : THEY'VE GOT ONE OF YOUR RECORAS ON THI8 JOYil ; BOX . DENNIS : WEGL, DON'T JUST BTASIDTfII2E, PIAY IT . BOB : Okay, I will . , (50UPID : NICI¢T, IN BLOT . . .THEN . . .) (DENNIS'S SONG -- BLUE C.l4RDENIA) (APPLAUSE) BR HT ;KO 1 018 3839 -k - 7 - (SECOPID ROUTINE) p W JACK: Dennis, I've got to buy~e-eop7~~n€~-recmd'~ . . your voice really sounds great on Di~. . . D- ~- g t me wrong, kid, your singing is always wonderful, but it sounded ~even better on ~thpa~t' record . DENNIS :~1A That's because tha day I made it I had an oyster malted milk. JACK : Oh SA at=ap . qy : ~, Ae ll , everybody's~ BOB finished, I'1 l get the check . DON : No no, Bob . . . I'll take the check . BOB : Oh, Donr l et me take it this time . DON : Bob, It I o ghta pay the check today . BOB : No Don, I feel I should . DON : Well, Ifeel I should : Why areyou so quiet, Dennis,. JACK ycu cheep or something? . . . Huh? DENNIS : Gee, I was just going to s Cu he sane thing . JACK : biell, you fellows~l t~x, I'm going home . 1 DEN/V I S~ ~ul-tFp1 FGOTSTEP S . . TINKLY BELL AS DOOR OPENS . . .TRAFFIC NOISES IN BACRGROUND . . . FOCPSTEPS) f JACK : Gee it's a nice day . . . I think I'Il walk home . (SOUND : SMOOTH MOTOR OF CAR PASSING) JACK : {-+.. ' There goes Jismny Stewart in his Cadillac . . . I' (SOUND: CAR PASSING ) JACK : :YSA there goes Mickey Rooney in his M .G . . . . And there's Humnhrey Bogart and his Jaguar . ME L : (SNARL OR ROAR OF JAGUAR, ANIMAL VAR1iY) GM Nrxar 0 183840 JACK : He ought to keep ~on a leash (HUMS 'bl~ N Y,OU~'S'AY I W-Pnv..tilawQc~ Yrt2~'o =hwv••• !-^7~ BEG YOUR PARDON THEN I'LL COME BA K TO YOUfi) . . . L o at that theatre marquee . . . & new picture that just opened up . . . "Fort Ti", starring George Montgomery . . . . . I wonder how many people know that George Montgomery is married to Dinah Slaore . . . I found out when ~ he slapped my face . 1 (SOUPID : FOfIPSTEPS STOP) JACK : Hey, wait a minute, this "Fort Ti" is one of those new a three dimensional pictures . . . Gee, I haven't seen1Three Zwvv R Dnyet . ._.-~ show isn't too long maybe I've got time . . . . Oh, .there's the doorman standing in the theatre lobby . Fe ouSht to know how long the picture is . . . I'll ~ ask him . . . (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTS?'EPS) JACK : Excuse me, sir , how long is this show? ( RUBIN : I don't :mow . JACK : Well, are they showing a douole feature today? I RUBIN : I don't know . JACK : Sfmm. . Well, tell me . . in order to see this three dimensional picture, do I have te wear polaroid glasses? RUBIN : I don't lmow . JACK : You don't know anything, you're a fine doorman. RUBIN : Who's a doorman, I'm in the picture . JACK : '~@R. Well, I'll see it later in the week . ($OUND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Gee, that Three D fascinates re . . I think I'1l . . . GM AT)S07 098384 1 ARTIE : fELLO, MR . BENNY. JACK : 'dFsY, `~ MRo KITZEL . (APPLAUSE) JACK : Mr . Kitzel, I haven't seen you for a long time : Likewise . ~. ARTIE JACK : Iet me look at g~6u . . . Gosh, you look wonderful . . where -'~nIItQ did you get t,hat deep tan? 1/~ ARTIE :I!JAIThis is from my new job I am a Lifeguard at Santa Monica Beach . , ~ ; JACK : A lifeguaxd~ . .~Say, th must be 3nteresting work . ARTIE : Yes . . . especially watching the beautiful girls in their bathing suits . JACK : Say, I underst=nd the girls~ suits a e skimpier than ever this year . ARTIE : Definitely . . . In fact, yesterday I saw a bikini bathing suit on one girl who . JACK : Who -- what? f ARTIE ~: J~ ~ H~~~0y0 H00 HOO H00q0000, JACK :d+jV'itiThobe girls in/,Bik5ni bathing suits must have everybody staring at t b~e m . ARTIE : You said it . . . 811, the ren on the beach look like Eddie Can'tor ~.~ JACK : W --lph, I see what you man . . . . Tell me, Mr . Kitzel, have you saved many people from drowning? ARTIE : Dozens . . In fact, this is how I first met my wife, JACK : ~/You rescued her? ARTIE : Unfortunately . ' GM fl7kSG1 0183 84 2 -10- JACK : Mr . Kitzel, you're joking . ARTIE : (IAUGHS) Joking, he says . . . I finally figured out that she really wasn't drowning, this was just a trick so she could meet me and I~ *eH7.'8-marry her . JACK : Whet makes you think she did a thing like that? ARTIE : Who else goes swimming in a bridal gown? JACK : No . ARTIE : Yes, she kept yelling, HelU, Lif eguard, Justice of the ~~~~~Peace . JACK : W"'~Look, Mr . Kitzel ., I'm on my way home, would you like to walk along with me? ~ ARTIE : I'm sorry, ~1r . Benny . . . but I'm on ray lunch hour~ I've got to O~.get.~b-ack to the beach . JACK : Oh, well, goodbye, Mr . Kitzel . (GOING HOME TRANSITION MOSIC) (SOUND : IO;Y IN DOOR . . . DOOR OPENS) ROCH : (OFF) WHO'S THERE? JACK :OV It's me, Rochester . Were there any cells when I was gonei I ROCH : YEAH, THE PfiONL WAS RINGING ALL DAY . . . TIE'.RE bfER E CALIH i FROM DORdiSiY, HARRIE`T, HIIIJA, PEGGY, ELLEN, BONN IE , JUDY, JEANETTE, CHARLOT, BETTY AND MERGYN . JACK : Mervyn? ROCH : THAT ONE WAS FOR YOU . GM (37 :K 0 7 016 3 843 -1 JACK : Oh yes . . It must have been my friend Mervyn leRofA, . . . He just wrote a book called,,"It Takes More Then Talent" . . . And you know, Rochester, he's also a movie director, . . He's the one who directed "Quo Vadis", ROCH : "QUO~7 VADIS"? JACK : Ye6W, . You know, I asked him for the lead in that picture, but he turned me down . ROCH : WHY? - JACK : Well, he told me that in Latin Quo Vadis means Whither { Goest Thou . . . assl when I asked him for the part, he told me whither to goest . . . But he's still my friend . . . By the way, Rochester, did .the mail come? ROCZi : YEA~ BL'P THERE WASV'T MUCH . . . JUST A MAGAZLYE . JACK : Let's see . . . (BOUNID : COIIPLE FOOPSTEP~S)/~ JACK : Oh, it's the new copy of Look~'+s'M~, ~ (SOUND : RInnLING OF PAGES) . f JACK : Hjmn . . . this article ought to be interesting . . .'$ow President Eisenhower Can Play Golf in The Eighties", by Ben Hogan . . You know, Rochester, that Hogan is a great pro . Inlayed with him once and he showed me how to iake nine strokes off my game . ROCH : 9? JACK : -Ie told me to cut out one hole . . . A par threa . . . Well, 4 I think I'11go in the den and read it . ROCH : MR, BENNY, AREN'T YOU GOIYG TO LISTEN TO THE I6DIANAPOLIS ...... : . '...... ~AUTO~~RACE . . . IT' S ON TAE 34DI0 NOW . Gfi FlT}{ 01 0783844 v~- -12- JACK : Oh,UI'm glad you reminded me ., . I'll read this later . . . Ge ,I I hope I can still hear the race . . . it's,usually so exciting . .(SOUPID : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS . . CLICK OF RADIO) JACK : I wonder what station it's on . . (SOIIbID : STATIC SQUEAL) NELSON : (FII@ER) WEILLLL, CONGRATCLFiTIONS, MRS . SMITH, YOU WIN THE JACKPCT AND FOR YOUR PRIZES YOU GET THREE DRESSES, COMPIETE WITH SHOES AND MATCHING HANDBAG, A CORSAGE O"' ORCHIDS, A COMPIHTE SET OF SILUERWARE, A SET OF COOKTSIG tiTENSIIS, A BRILGE TABLE AND CHAIRS -- ( (SOUND : STATIC SQUEALS) JACK : That wasn't the station . . . (SOUND : STATIC SQUEALS) MEL : (FILTER) (STRAIGII') AND NGvI LADIES AND GENTLEMEN , . FOR ! OUR SPECIAL GUESTS TONIGHT WE HAVE THE S?O7I TS MEN QUARTET . ., AS YO[i ALL KNd+7, THIS FAMOUS QUARTET APPEARS s.OSHY WEEK ON THE JACK 3ENNY SHOW , . T:^'AT'S WHY THEY'RE TAKING OUTSIDE WORK . JACK : 9mm, I pay them good money . [4E L : AS TEi~;IR SELECTION TONIGHT, THEY WII,L SING, "SIDn BY SIDE . " JACK : Gee, I've got to listen to this . GM i A 1-X01 0 1 e 38015 , ,. . . -I3- QUART : OH WE AIN'T GOT A BARRET. OF MOPTr .Y . . . .MAYBE WE'RE FAGCGh .'D ANDFfAVNY BUT WE'LL TRAVEL ALONG, SINGING A SONG SIDE BY .SIDE DON'T BNffd WHAT'S COMIlPG TOMORROW MAYBE IT'S TROUBLE APIDSORRGW BUI WE'LL TRAVEL TH6 ROAD SHARING OUR IAAD SIDE BY SIDE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF WEATHE i WHAT IF THE SRY SHOULD FALL JUST AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGET'rLER IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL . WHEN THEY'VE ALL $4D THEIR TROUBIES AllID PARI'ED WE'LL BE TIM SAb,`E AS WE STARTED JUST TRAVELING ALONG, SINGING A SONG SIDE BY. SIDE AS YOU KNOW, WE BEEN WORKIIPG FOR BENNY THAT'S WHY WE HAVEN'T A FENNY BLT WITH LLCKis.3 TO PUFF, '~-h'RE HAPPY ENOIIGH SIDE BY SIDE LUCKIES ARE AIWAYS SO PIFASING FINER TOBACCO'S THE REASON GIVE US LUCKIES AiQD NATCH FOUR ON A MATCH SIDE BY SIDE GM (MORE) arx 01 0183 e 46 UART : LUCKY STRIl{E1S TASTE BETTER CONVD) CLEANERa AND,FRESIER, TOO . ' LUCKY STRIICES ARE SO MUCH SMOCIl'fiER i YOUR FINEST SMOKE IT IS TRUE . -FUFF-^a3 T HR~'SMOP & s~ WE WANTA REPEAT, NOTHING CAN BEAT LUCI{Y STRIICE . I USE) GM I - HT?;01 018384? ' (THIRD ROUTINE) ~ ~ the JACK : 2vpq hat was good, but that's na~ t_ the station races are on . . . . I' ll try this one,~-+"~x-. ( SOUND: STATIC SQUEALS) NELSON : (FILIPER) A DOUBLE OVEN GAS RANGE, YOUR HOME P_9INPED INSII E AND OUP, A TWENTY-ONE INCH TELEVISION SEP, ELECTRIC 1 BLAPII{ETS FOR EVERY BED IN YOUR HOUSE, A TWO WEIIC VACATION IN HAWAII . . . . (SOUND : STATIC 4RiISTLES) JACK : That's not it . . .Now l-et's see, where's that race . . .I'll try this station~p ' (SOUND : STATIC SQUEALS) SARA : (FILTER) (5ING5 "PSSTENSI') PRETEND YOU'RE HAPPY WNEN YOU' RE BLUE ISN'T VERY HARD TO D0 . WAND. YpU'LL FIND HAPPINESS WITHOUT AN END A'RE,TIB,VER YOU PREPEND . / JACfia 7imp 3~s~'ot that station either . . .Maybe I passed it back ~u(S.QCUND : STATIC SQUEAL) HY : (FIITER)~'PHAT CONCLUDHS TODAY'S EXCITING EPISODE . . .WILL FRAPIIL MARRY ELTLABETH? . . .IS 3LIZABETH STILL IN LOVE WITH HARRY? . . .WILL HARRY DIVORCE EVELYN':' . . .WILL EVELYN REMARRY HER FIPBT HUSBAND, STEVEN? D0ES STEVEN -4VOW HIS WIFE IS IN LOVE WITH FRADSi WHO MAY MARRY'ELIZABEPH? TUNE IN TOMORROW TO HEAR ANCIPIER CHAPTER OF' . . ."TFE CRflZY MI%Fv7 UP BUNCH OF KIDS ." JACK :IAAi, .Why can't I get the right station? (SOUND : STATIC WHISTLES) .NTi{01 0283 8 ." _1lAU+~^k""' MEL: ( IC~~IV ENO SENORPJ)AS, THE'ES E ESS bTATION ~/( w J>•Qteo ~ ~ X-Y-L-D,n CUR MUSICAL MEKICAN STATION . . . TODAY EET EES OUR PIS:hSUHE TO PRE3ANT SOME MU5IC .FROM OUR SffiTER COUNPRY t THE UNITED STATES . .AND H6RE IS THE MCST POPULAR SONG EEN AMEBIOA TODAY . . .SF.ENG E6T, PEDRO . MAHI.Y: (MEXICAN . . .SFwNGS) Paper Mate Pen, She's a leak pxroof . . Buy a Paper Mate Pen . . 1 . 6 OUND: RADIO .CIJCR) . ,g~ JACK: Oh for heaven's sakes, whp can't I get SD:Y: /L AZJQ~ (SOUND : PHONE RINCS) JACK: Rochester, answer the phone, will you, please~ ~J - Ld~` ROCH: YES SIR . I\ (SODND : FOTSTEP3 . . .HECFIV$R UP) . ROCH: HELLO, MR. SE•1NY'S RESIITrJICE . . .STAR OF STAGE, RADIO AND TELEVISION . . I MA.RY: Rochester, you forgot about movies . ROCH: T? M FORGOIP ABOllT HCMI . What? . . . MARY : I ROCR: THEY TOLD HIM w7II.THER TO GOFST . MAHY: Well, that I don't understand at all . ROCH: I'LL GET 6R . BEYNY FOR Y OU, MLSS LiVINGSTONE . you . DSARY: Thank I ROCH: OH, MR. BENNY, IT'S FOR THOU . JACK: Oh, stop . . . . Hello . MARL': Hello, Jack, this is JACK: . . . ou kntlw yo~u missed rehearsal . MARY : Yes, Jack, but I wasn't feeling well, so I went to the doctor . RT :KO1 0183849 -17- JACK: Gee, I didn't know that . : .is thena anything wrong? MAR4 : Well, the doctor isn't tqo sure, but he says I may have -to have my appendix out . . JACK : Gosh I : And Jack,. MAFK the reason I'm calling is because an appendix operation is kind of expensive, and I thought you could help me JACK: Marg . . .Mary . . .you maan you wantme.,~.t.o -- ~ MARY : Why not, you took ewt'your awn~w . . ' ~ - JACK: That was an emergency . . .You know Mary, I have a bunch - you made this whole thing up just because you missed- I rehearsal . ~ ' MARY: We11 . . .you're right, Jeck . .s~e reason I missed A!I is - because my family's here from Plainfield, and I was . showing them the town. ~ JACK : Oh . .re -c~rw( L _ ._ MARY' : And I thou~t you~d help me out wdd4+' .Mlwc . ~Tbey want~ to take a tour through a movie studio, and you might have ' a pull with one of them . . JACK :~~Let's see . . .There'sTwentieth Century Fox . . .M.G.M. . . . ~ Paramount ., . .Warner Bxathers . . . ~ MARY : Keeo thinking, Jack, there must be ona you didn't make a ~ picture for . . .,) JACK: Look, Mary, I'm trying to help you . Now I'11 see if I can do something about getting your folks into tbs~ studio . . . .~. Is your sister Babe going to be with them, too? .~ MARY : Ch, Babe isn't here . . .she stayed in Plainfield . . ,~ JACK: How come? . 1 ~, 14 I Rli{l77 L)i$3~S`5+J -18- MARY : Well, Mom and Pop only had enough money for two bus tickets_ersjW so {$,abe decided to hitchhike . JACK : ~ Ari M ,~he get any rides? MARY : No . . .she went out on the highway and she tried everjthing . .e she even pulled up her skirt and showed her legs t JACK : . What happened? ~ MARY : Two rren tried to run,lover,istc JACK: No . MARY: 36e9. . .Anyway, Jack, I'm sorry I misse d rehearsal, it won't happen again . JACK : Okay, 001 I'll try to fix it for your folks to go through a studio . MARY : Tbanks . . . JACK : Goodbye . (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN) ~& ~y JACK : Now where did Rochester -- Oh, I'71 try' again . (SOUND : CLICK. . .STATIC SQUFN,S) t SARA : (FILTER) (SINGS) REI+fENBER ANYONE CPN DHEAM AND NCTHIlVG'S BAD AS IT MAY SEEM . JACK : Oh no you don't :. (50IIND STATIC SQUEAIS) NELSON: (FILTER) A TWHLVE CARAT DIAMOND RIIJG, AN ANKLF LENGTH CELINCILLA COAT, A PEARL NECKLACn, A BRAND NEW CONVEftCIBLE, A SWIMMSNG POOL INSTALJED IN YOUR YARD . . . JACK : Why can't I get the race5 (SCUND : STATIC SQUEALS) NT 80 1 0 1 8 3 8 51 -19- HY: (FILTER) AND HEHE CCNE THE CAIS DCWN THE STfWCH FOR THE FCURTEfifv°PH LAP . . (SCUND : CR(TWD CIEEERS) . JACK: That's it,thet's it . . .I got it . . . HY: THE THREE IS•;ADES6 AEE NOW COMLNG PAST TIIE GRAND STAND . . . MEL: (MAi{ES RAPID SOUND OF T•HAEE CAIS PASSING) . 1 JACK : Gee, they're going fast . ilY: NOW LET ME GIVE YOU THE SPEEffi TBE LEAI E hS ARE AVERAGING . . THE AGAGIAN, 127 POINT 39 MILES PER HCUR . . .T HE FERRARI DELUXE, 127 POSSPT 38 . .qND THE HQffiCN SPECIAL . . .127 POINP 40 . . .THIS IS EXCEEISBNP TIME FOR TIE HUISON WHEN YOU CONS2DER ITS DRIVER STEPPED DOWN T00 FAR AND IS DR4GGING ffiS FE .EP . JACK : Well, how do you like that . . , RY : AND HERE COME THE NEXT FOUiZ CAF6 . . . . MEL: (DOES FOUR SPEEDING CA1S) . JACK :. Gosh, what a race . , SARA : (SINGS) PREPEND YOU' IR HAPPY JACK: What is this? . SdiIfHV YOU' RE BLUE I must have IT ISN'T VERY HARD TO DO two stations AND YOU'LL FIND HAPPINB`3S at once . WITHOUT AN END MQ,: (Ffl;EPS DOING WHENEUER YOU PRFTEND CAIS PASSING) REMENHER ANYONE CAN DHEAM TA-cKf j ~c. s ~~~ AND NCTHING'S BAD AS IT MAY S EEM THE ISTTIE TPIINGS YOU HAVEN'T GOP COULD BE A LOT IF YOU'D PIOTEPID. 19 TXCai 0 7 8 39y 2 _20 _ JACK : M.Lt's going,I1 m not going to listen to .tHis . .,I'm going to a movie . (APPIAU3E APID PLAYOFF) . fl 6'il}KlT7 078 :3853 TRC JACK BENNY PRCGRAM, N~RIC P: T C C CQ, AY 3 T5ZTranscribed May 28, 1953) ! CLOSIM1G COMD]ERrTAT WIL.SON : Jack will be back in just a moment but first a word to cigarette smokers . ., nothing - no, nothLna - beats better l taste : Andremember . . . I COLLINS : Luckies taste better . . CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother .COLLINS : Luckies taste better i•CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike .,, Lucky Strike WILSON : Yes, better taste is rvhat you want from your cigarette . For C as 4oll know -- nothing no, nothing -- beats better taste! And Luckies taste better - cleaner, fresher, smoother . Here Here's why „ Luckies are made better to taste better . They're Ynede round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . And Luckies are also made of long strands of fine, light, naturally mild tobacco, with a wonderful aroma and an-even better taste . Yes, the whole world knows -- LS/i¢T -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . No doubt 1 about it, it's better taste that brings you real, deep-down I smoking enjoyment . And Luckies have that better taste, because they give you fine tobacco in a cigarette that's made better . So -- be happy - go Lucky . Make you next t ~1 carton . . . better-tasting Lucky Strike . / SPORTSNt•uN QU!RTET : Be happy -- Go Lucky (Long Close) Get better taste today . 19 ruo 0 183854 (TAG) (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) ROCH: HOW'D YOU ENJOY~'„Tf7 .AE, BOSS? JACK: Oh, it was £iit was~pt/retty long, though . ROCH : I'LL HAVE YOUR'VDINN6R READY SOON . JACK : Okay . . I'll turn on the radio and listen to the news . (SIXJND : CLICK OF RADIO . .STATIC SQUEAIS) NELSON: (FIUPER) TAE YANt{EE STADIUM, THE SUPERCffiEF, THE EMPIRE . STATE BUILDIP%'„ PPIII hLRLPfIIA, AND A HOOVER VAC[NM . CLEANER CO&IPLE' .^c WITH ?ERBERT HOOW ;R. JACff: ~ , . .Whet taxes~ exe .33 have to pay . (APPLAU3E AND MUSIC) Sl_ DON : The Jack Benny Show was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thnrsday over this same station . Consuit your newspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike . . product of the American Tobacco Company. .America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . at-x 01 0183855 9SHEBt o 1C)H1H PROGRAM #39 REVISED SCRIPT C-~-.• ~ /ZQ~oGi~~ PMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LIICKY STRIIKE T9E JACK BEIIVNY PBOGRAM SUNDAY, a'LW 7, 1953 CBS 14 :00 - 4 :30 PM PDST (TRANSCRTHID MAY 27, 1955). . BB nt-xot 0 t e ::. TfE JACK DENNY PIdCGR1M APiERICAN TOBACCO C0 . J-IJNE ^1, 1953 (TRANSCRiBED MAY 2q, 1953) QE.'~NG COMMERGIAL WILSON : The Sack Benny ?rogram . . .transcribe3 and presente3 by Lucky 8tri'se! (PAUSE) You know, frien3s . . .nothina - no, nothing - beats better taate! And remember . . . CDLS.INS : Luckies taste better . CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother . COTT.SNS : Luckies taste better CF9RU-S : Cleaner, fresher, smoother For Lueky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLIIVS : Luckles taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, emoother Lucky Btrike . . .Lucky Strike . SJIL90N : !^his is Don Wilson . . .Te11 me, have vou smoked a fresh cigarette lately? 1'uu have -- if you' ,.re smoked a Lucky Strike . For Luckies are 3efinitely fresher - and it takes real freshness to bring you 3eep-3own smoking enjoyment -- to prove that to 3ourself ?ust light up a Lur,Lryl You'll. _'c ind that Luckies taste tetter -- not only fresherr bct cleaner and zmocther, too . That's because they're made of iine, light, natura'.l;y mild tobaceo . .,an3 because they' :-e ma3e bet.tsr - every `=uci is made ^oun3 and firm and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly . . .ao3 every Gack of Luckies is extra ti tlg se~, le_,3 to bring you thac ~~fino tobacco flavor in all its freshness . So be haopy -- go Luck,i! Get ;he better taste you waot . in a cigarette -- and get it fresh! 39 NtH 01 0 1 8 38 58 THE JACK BliNPlY ?SRJGRAM P14E RICAN'POBACCO CO . JUNE 7, 1953 (Transcribe3 May 27, 1953) COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher, sm oother Lucky Strike . . Lucity Strike MUSIC : (PROGRAM TBEME TY AND 7X1(-'N) BB H FX07 0 1 8 3 S 5 3 (FIRST ROU"INE) --- (AF`CER COb1N,EMIAL ) (MUSIC : UP AND mWN ) IqN : THE LUCKf STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK S3NNY . . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTOPIE, ROCIESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CFOSBY, TRE SPORTSMETi QUARPET, AND "YOURS TRUlii" LYIN 6IIISON . (APPLAUSE ) (MUSIC : UP AND DOWN ) DON : AND NOW, LADIES AND UENTLEMEN, FOR TRE LAST TIhL THIS SEASON WE BRING YOU A .fAN W-90 FOR THE PAST Ti:-IRTYn9INE VEEK5 HAS 3ITFL;R REM-~i'AI_NMM OR M Px'D YOU WITH EIIS CONIEDY . .JACK : Rmn . DON : A MAN WHO "df N Y OF YOU WILL RATE TO 3EE LEAVE THE AIR . . . AND AN EQUAL NUMBER WLLL JUMP F'OR JOY . JACK: Don, look . LbN : SO HERB HE _S, iYJL✓\S ., .A MAN THE WIiOL^c WOR_S7 IS ANRIOUS TO HEAR . . .3UT ON THE OTHER HAND -- JACK : Never mind . . .JACK BENNY, APPLAIISE : ~APPIAUSE ) JACK : Thank You, thank you, tnnk 3ou . . .heilo, again, this is ,iack L'enny who chrii'_s or nauseates you, as the case may be . . .r,alking . . .A.nd just t.hin'<, Don, this is uie 7ast time this seaeon you'll be putting j our blue-eyed boss on the pan . LUN : That's ri .u~i t, Jack, time certainly flies . _.B N7"i't 01 01838E+0 JACK : It sure does . . .what a .=.eason I've had . . .radio every week, television once s month . . .stage appearances . . .Gosh, Don, I'm so exhausted T can hardly stand up . If' I 313n't have starch in my underwear, I'd fall ri ght over . . .What a season! i- 7~.V : :,ell . ,;ec!: we rounger members oz the cast eelthe I , strain, too . , :Bait a minute, Don . . .what do ?ou mean, you ~~„ounaer,' . mambers of the c.ast2 . .I'm not muoh ol3er than ;; ou are . DON ; Mhat d13 you eay, Jnck^ JACK : I sai3 I'm notinuch older than you are . L'ON : Jack, you must be because I remember when T was just a ' child in Denver, vey mother.~used to take me to the Orpheum . theatre to see yon .~ i i JACK : Well, Don, that 3'oesn't prove anytli*ng . . .when I started / out in vau3eville, I was just a b&by . . .Iprodiqi ~ DO N : But ~aou walked ou on thst stage_ wearinF a, tuxedo JACK :DCN'TT CARE, TE92E WEiE DIAPERS IINDEFATH . . .Bu we sura ~~ ha3 a lot of fun this year . . .'14iere wss 4at shox we did in San Diego and~that week-en3we spent in Tijuana . DON :~7= Speaking of Tijuana, Jack, di3n't you borrow five dollars i from~me during our visit the^a? JACK : AndAthere was thd t:on3erful time we ]aa3 in New York and Boston cn3 -- DON : I seid 3idn't you borrow five dollars from me during our visit to Tijuana? BB i9T ;KU7 1-1 't8 :36Ca'1 ~ ~ -3- JACK :(kThen tne three weeks we just spent in San Francisco . . . Gosh, sfnat a city . DOPI : I si3 3idn_.lt ou borrow five <_iollars irom me Lu Tiiuane? JACK : ves, an3_,3s sco= as I get _s_o_me Mex~i~ca-n mor:ev, I!I1 oay y!'2 .rr,~e~ R t MARY : He11o`~ .orre you yelling at Don for? JACK : Well, in the first place, Z 3idn't like the introduction he gave me . . .let me ask you something Mary, do I bore people? MARY : Certainly, who sa you 3i3n't? ~~ ' JACK : Nobo3g eai3 I di n't, ±m said I did . MAHY : Oh . . .say, Jac'.~, I'll bet youIre gla3 we're going of~~he' aiM~tonigFt:,...you really look worn out,_j ~ JACK: ;I am tired Mary, ra3?o is .= prettv~tough grin3 . MARY : /It's tough s'or a11-of"us . JACffi S•.)t;it!e--fiaugher on r?e. . . .Al1 the problems fall-on,my shoul3ers . . .Thank goo3ness, next week I can take it e sa - - y f,he way P?a~y, what are you olanning to do this summer? MARY : iJe11, my sister 9abe is coming to visit me and we're going to spend a couple of wee:cs at Cwtalina . JACK : Oh, tiust's aice . . .you'll both eec a goo3 tan . N1ARY : I'11 i:et a tan, Bane 3ivas .°m., ahalone . JACK : oh yes . . .with her feet, uhe doesn't need swim-fins . . . Oh hello Dennis . DII4NC8 : He11o . . .8ay, Mr . Benng, this being r,ur last program- ~/ JACK : How . . .:zcw do you 'eel, kid? DENnI° : Oh, I'm doing as well as can he expacte, BB Riki01 01N336t -u- JACK : What do you mean? DENNIS : Well, who expects anything of ine? JACK : Nobody, believe me . . .now what were you going to ask me, Dennis? DENNIS : Well, this being our last program, I thought I'd ask you for the ten dollars you owe me . JACK : 47hat ten dollars? `LjBNPtIB :'Phe ten dollars you borrowed from me in Bost,on .. .3o you " wairt,to,pay it? JACK : He11-- MARY: You'21 have to w t`~ e.FS some Massachusetts money . / JACK : rie' e-'to wai.t till I remember I~BOrxn .`d it . . .Now, .-~Aannis, when did I ask you for that ten dollars? you remember? You said iP i loaned you ten 1o11ars, you'd take me to the burleaa_ue show . JACK : Dennis, T never took you to a burlesaue show . LN.IVNIS : 1 know . . .after I gave you ch.e money, 7ou told me I was too young to-go . JACK : Oh, that'srigh~i v :"i~L g~~1 you ive the ten after the show, ki3 . Now how about~rsingiog iroar song^ DFSNIS : Okay . JACK : Oh, hold "t a second . Dennis . When I ;^.ot here, there was a message f'or me to csll ,zochester . . .: better do tt before I forget . . .i,t may be important . DENNIS : 'hat's okay kiri, go right ahead . ;90UND : RP'.CNIVER AP . .C?,ICt'rNG FA.DING 7rJ BtiZ,ZING OF SflITCIieOARD) BPA : 3ay ?4able . . . BB F3f :y 01 09 03 863 SARA : What is it, Gertrude? k3EA : Mr . Benny's line is flashing . EARA : Yeah, I wonder what "Iiead of Wax" wants now . BEA : Let him wait . SARA : leatr. . ]Icy, Gertrude, I saw you come ir, with a lot of packages . 'viere you shopping? BEA : Yeah and my feet are killing me . . .but it's my own •°.au1t ~~, /f~or buying such small shoes . SARA :iN ~"'l4i,lt size did you get? fIEA : Mine . . SARA : Oh, for heavens sakes . BEA : What's the matter? . SARA : Getting your foot in a size nine shoe is like docking the Queen Mary in a Lily Cuo . . BEA : ldell, look who's talking . . .get a load of your shoes . SARA : "_'hey're not so big . 3EA : They're not! . . .Last year xhen we went on our vacation, ever; hotel we 3topped at pasted labels on 'am . SA@A : Well, it's a natural mistake, because mp shoes are genuine Gowhide . BE.A : Cowhide? 3ARA : Yes . BEA : From the way your t~es stick out, it looks like milking time . 3ARA : Gertrude, the next time s'ou talk to me iike that, (SOiINID : CiSCKITdG OF [tLCEIVER) SACK : OPERATOR . . .OPERATOR . . . (SOIINB : PLUG IN) BB H r ao 7 01H3864 aEA : Yes, Mr . Benny . JACK : Well, i .-,.'s about time Gertrude,di3n't you hear me buzzing? BEA : YJ~'8y~,but I've only got two hands . JACK :J'i~x,an~_ratul_at_Ions . . .uow if it 'sn't asking too much, will you ring my house? P,EA : Yes . sir . (SOUPD : PLLT: OIPf) BEA : You know, Mabel, I never saw a man '-ike Mr . Benny . . .ne has such a solit personality . . .on the ra3io he's one type of person, and i.n real life he's an entirely different type of person . SARA : Yeah I don't like either one of 'em . SEA : I tamow what you mean . That man is such a pest . Fvery time we're ect together, all he wants to do is go up on Mulholland Drive and look down at the lights of the city . :;ARA :` iJell : that's romantic . BI;A : Romantic, not,hLng . xe D cros stock in t.he electric, company . . . . Cooh, how he hates Daylight Saving '^ime . /-z-' (,30UNil : CLICK, CLICK) JACK :, j Gperatorr did you get my house2 I:EA : Yes, but the line is '.:usy . . .I'11 csll you wneo-d-t'e-not--ousy. JACK : °_han!: -;c~u . (SOPD ; ftw;:EIVI'R LC?,N) JACK : Dennis,11 codtdn't get Rociu3ster . . .so you'3 better sing your number . DENNIS : Jksy, but I ' m aarning you . . .+.t's the bast time this aeason . JACK : :ing, ea .ng, already . (APPLAUSE) (DENNIS' SONG - "ALL 3Y MiSELF") (AP%JiUSE) BB F?TiKOi (31i33[a6`_7 -7- (9ECOND ROIIl'IN'E) JACK : That was Dennis Day singing "All By Nyself" . . .and very good too, Dennie . I E NNIS : Thank you, Mr . Benny, and before E go on m p vacation, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you how mueh I've enjoyed working with you the past thirty-nine weeks and I'11 be looking forws xd to bei ng with you again ln the fall . JACK : Well, Dennis . . .that's4 very sweet of You . IENNSH : So long, Mr . Benny . JACK : Dennis, the show isn't over yet . What's your hurry? ffiVNIS : I can't stand it bere any longer . (SOLlVD : LilOR SLAM) JACK : (CPId,IIVG) L~ennis . .Dennis . .come -- oh, let him go . .wba~ti s silLy kid . MA,'Jack,rl_eHa#.' ~h"rngsass;i . Aft©r all, it is ~ our last show of the season . JACK : I oan't help it, Mary . Nobody on this show has any respect for me . Bob Crosby is the only one I cen get a civil answer Yrom . .(CALLS) Oh, Bob . . .Beb, come over hete . BOB : You called me, siM / JACK : Yes, Bob . . (ASIEE)~See, yary . .sir, yet . . .Well, Bob, you've finished your first seasonlLyou've worked for me for thirty-nin_~e weeks now . . .how do you feel? BOB : Hungry . ~-x--~-~- . .~Aqi£:-Bob-,~he~answer-doeeM-t-sound-like-yet!,-~ Y-i-_~--esk-the question-egain .., .,NOw-_9o-you-feel4--- .t}pg; . ___gungry,-.s1r~ <.lliL:,- JACK : -:'tteti~battnyr . . .bat wait a minute, Bob . . .are you trying to infer thatC~ don't pay you enough? 19 7XU7 0 4 8 386 6 -a- BOB Aa Jack, you might riot believe this, but I had a better year in t344: / qs'-3 JACK : Ylho„were you with tben? BOB : tino-ta^ w,=3--mae-dlaftsd . . ~ JACK : r3saf:ed-? .6 BOBe-~;j1'ou're not the first one said "eir" to . o ~ MARY : That's tellint him, Bob . JACK: Be quiet, Mary . MAW : Yes, si'r . JACK : Oh, stop . . .by the way, Bob, what are you gonna do this summar? BCB : Well, I'm waiting for my b rother Bing to end his season aeA- then he and I aze going to Catalina ior the aummer . JACK : Ch . . .ydu I ll both get gocd tans . BOB : Bing will, I dive for abalone . JACK : Oh. idAAY : Well, if a big fish swims by, say bello, it may be ny sister Babe . JACK : Yes yes . . .fcr me, too . , D('V: By the way, Jack, I meant to ask you . Wbo's gonna be our srvnmar renlacement? JACK : Well, starting next 9unday at this same time and on the sauz stations, Lucka 9t,ike will present Guy Lembardo . DON: idho? JACK : Guy (BOOM) Guy (BOOM, BOOM) Guy Lombaxdo;, .Ladies and gentlemen, that was SsmrW the drumnter doing the boom-booms . . . we woke nim up just .for that . MAY : Say, Jack -- fiT}SUl OtLi38Ei7•~ ~, JACK : Wliat-is it, Mar,Y? '.MAHY : Deunis ca`rehaok, Look, there kle is standing over thera in the corner all by himself,_ : F guess he feels-aorryPor the.~JACK va'y-§fl acted . MARL: Why dqnl-t'y ou go over and talk to him? , d' ACK :-%I will not . . .if he wants to talk, he'l1 come over to i It's about time that kid -- (SOUND: flHONE gLNGB) JACK : Excuse me . (SOUND : RECENER UP) JACK : Hello . BEA: I've reeched your house, Mr. Benny, you mey go aheud . JACK: Thank you . . . ( UP) Hello . FOCH : Y HN3JA, IS THAT YGU, B~S? .. JACKS.'"K Yes, Rochester, i got the message to csll you . . .what's up? r tACH: I' VE GOT A BIG `.7URPKtSE FOR YOU, BOSS . . .I ME ANP TO TELL YOU LAST NIGHT BUT YOU WE RE ASZ.rHP WHEN I GOP HOME . JAG.{ : What is it, Rochester? ROCH: I'M GONNA GII.' MARRIED . JACK : Married! ROOH: YEAH. . .YOU KNOW H OW LUNG CUPiD'S BEEN SHOOPIN' TF.Q..E P_RHOWS AT MG? JACK : Yes . HCCH : WELL, LAST NIGHT HG HPL N E WITH A S EC IfET WEAPON! JaCK : So you're going to get married, eh, Rochester? . . .Well, tell me all about it . . .how did it bappen ? DO CH: i-lET.L. . .THE NZGIf'i BEFORE SA 9T I WENT TO A PAt'T.'Y AND " HE RE SHE 'WAS . . .I MHT HER AT TEN-FOHCY AND AT TEN-FOHPY-FIVI' . WE WERE ENGAGED . Hi 111-; 0 1 0 "lN3S 6 8 SACK : That's pretty Past, isn't it, Rochester? You only knew her five minutes . ROCH : `i7EIS„ IT'S AMAZING WHAT YOU CAN LA 47hM YOU R'IEF;P 80MECNE IF YOU llCN'T WA3TE TIMF SIIAIffN' FLINLB . JACK : Oh, I see . Well, Rocheeter, this must have been love at first sigbt . . .I never heazd you talk this way before . ROCH: Cfi YEAH, BOSS, SHE'S SEAUTI-T'ITL . JACK : Keal?y? . . .Describe her to me, Rochester . ROCH: WELL. . .BOSS, HAVE YOU EVER SE..N THE SUN AS IT SINr6 MAJESTICALLY INPO TEE WATEIS OF THE TRANQUIL PAC =C? JACK: Y'es . HCCH: WELL, PUP A SWEATER ON IT AND THAT'S I DE R. JACK : You know, Rochester, I feel a little sad about this . . . . you've been with me all these years, and now you're going to ge t a°aife and set up housekeeping °or yourself . POCH: OH NO, M@ . HENNY, DON'T LOOK AT IT THAT WAY . JACK : W"hat do you mear.? RCCH: YOU AIN'T L0.`"IN' A BUTLER, YOU'RE GAIIVIN' A COOK . JACK : Well, right ncw r_ sure could use one . . . anyway, good luck, ttochester,and I: hape you'L, be very happy . FOCH : THANKS, R OSS . . . GC0I83.-1 . JACK : soodbye . (SOUND : rECEIVER D 7wN) JACK : How do you like thet . . .Rochester Sa gonna get married . . . Oh wel'- . . .taaT-idds-I -- .-.__ MARP :---- Iack, Dannis s sti11 standir.g there . . whY don't 3ou bo nver-- acd talk'to him . JACK : ._ .Mary ;-P'Col.d you I'm not going to -- -' . I%JN: Wait a minute, he's comir.g over here . RTX01 0 1 8 3859 .MiARY :-_--Ncw~e-nEce; ~"saok. DEi4YiS : Faxdon me, Mr. Benny,-but-I-thought-3t-ovex-and-1--wae-- -aaron6-te--ieaVa-ao-PSSt . -3Ae4: ---Wel3.T. . DENNIS : ~Yihea':--II realized that I won't be seeing you until next Pall . . .that's three months, so I decided to come back . JACK : And you want to anologize . DFNNIS : No, I want my ten dollars JACK : ESen. . .Dennis, I told youAl'd vive you the money . Now sit . down and be quiet . . .what an ungratefil bunch . . .I'1l be Rlad to start my vacation . . BOB :-5 ere are you going to spend the skmm r, Jack? JACK: S don't impw, I'd ?,ike to go to KureRe . . .+caka-in-ehe ~ 9ore¢aatiaa. . anV then go mr to Parie . . .Rome . . .tienice . MARY : Sack, you wouldn't go to Venice after what hapoened the last time we *.uere there. BOB : What happened, Jack? 3CATl_-___7:=_--m ar_:,=-r.ovar-j. .~c+18yo¢;-8oG? BOS:--1'to~--arx3-3+d-sure--ltice-to-hear-abaU~i E' . JACK : Mary, it'e not such a big thing . ' VOL .M_c.RY : Wel7., I'm gonna teil it anyway; .,we were touring 'sUrope . . . we ,'d been in Paris and then fxrom Paris we went to Rome . . . a~ n/ fl w} hil.~e~ i,~n Rome we decided to go to Venice . J { .~ .~Ll .cxi BOB: 71Goeh, , those canalspcust be fascinating . ftTHO 1 G4 8 3 87O O_ -1Z TiiPRY : ~~ _~hey-are-~JDob . . .An,yway, we erri.vedd at night~i checked into tae Grand Dinelli Hotel . . .and the next morni+yz Z met Jack in the lobby. (SOUND : ACCO??DIQV MUSIC AND VOICES) MARY : Jack, did you get the tickets for the sight-seeing iour? ;ACK ; Yes, Mary, and the gondola wiil leave ±n a few minutes . . . {+ee--d:' m--snre-3eek-~-FOrtterE}-qe-#t . bPCL : (7TALIAPI ACCENT) 51.gnore Benny? JACK : Yes . MEL: I am the bell captt in . The gTorriols for the sight-seeing l-c.EL ~i-t. tour she ,.u aa-aliouL ready to leave . dA6i4t--Bk-goed,-.-,we-~ '~ be~#ght-out_ *'mT ~ isaziz . MARY :--we getting u nice gondola? b EL : Very :.ice . . .there is one tnat leaves '-_ an hour, 'out that one eea3 is more expensive . JACK : Why? . Mc : On that gondoin the singer is Mario Lsnza . JACK : Oh, that's where Phe's worki-~g . . .(I must tell Dore) . . .Well., eome on, Mary . (TTAIJY.N TFWN3ITInN IIIJSIC) (S0iP7D : EiAYH?E OF ^IiG4IU . . .?P?IVG OF'.dATF'ER) i:7ARY : _",osh, Jack, what s thri7 :7.J This is the ^irst tims I've ever been in a gondo'1'a . JACK : Yeah. . .I didn't know `_t hald so many people . . .I'm sure glad we came on ~hie sight-seei ng tour . MARY : Oh, Jack, he guide is getting up to point out the places of interest . HFXtI t l'iR3877 JACK : Yeah . . .come on, Mary . Let's get closer to him . Zha re. er+s. 5 many interesting things in Venice, 2 don't -aenna miss a word he says . . .Excuse me . . .excuse re . ., MARY : Jack, you're close enough to him. 3A6Yc :-,Just-e-}d.-t's}a-:r}aec+rrr.vx JAY : (LOiID AND FAST) IIESIllERO MOIaO TJGSCRIVRRTI E FAMOSI E STORICI PALAZZI CHE CI C,IRCONI]ANO, MA QUEST' iI0M0 HA LN °4',DE SUL MIO . JACK : What'd he say . . .what'd he say? . . .;Iuh? . . .What'd he 31i`$-ANj.N4AS~C(~4i_g,[J~4"j'-0.~j1NGpRA_.MT TFSTA Tt ;;ACK : Whet'd he se;7 . . .what'd he say . . .huh? . . .hiin? . . .what'd he say? . . .huh? . . .what'd he say . . .what'd he say? ,7AY : 3E LO SATTD SE ZIS' F. -.,XPO i11dPL4S0 UN CONCCIOL`JD VIA, E ANCORA UPI P:?.STF IL FIEDE . JACK ; what'd he say. . .what'd he say? MARY : (DISGUSTED) Jeck! JACK : Just a minute, Mary . Say, Mister) . .do you understand Itelia n ? ;iY : Yes, I do . .JACK : Oh, good, good . Yirat'd he say? HY : He said you' . standing cn his foot . JACK : Oh,, .oh, I'mor y . . .I'11 steP 'ueck . MARY_ : JP.OK -- " (SOLRVD : LOUD SPLASH) JACK : (OFF) (CnUGHS) MARY . . . (COUGHS) . . .MP.RY : H 7'i{ 0 7 01 83 872 HY : Oh, Miss, shall I help you get him back into tiv= boat? . . . j, or d).d pqupush him? MP•RY : ?lease help rce . ~ ~ /~~~ (SOUND : SPIl+SHING OF WATER) MARYJ/~" 1{ re, Jack, take my hand . HY : cy~ Eaw does it, now . . .there we are . JAC K--.r' ~Th'`anics, Mister . Oh boy, am I wet . JAY : ~LOUD) IO PFNSO Ip .?EPDIO 7A MA LUI DILETRO IN CONDOLA . UOMO GOCCIOSA MIA GF.NQ3A . JACK : Whst'd tie say. . .what'd he say . . .huh'? . . .what'd he say? 3Y : He said you're dripping on his leg . JACK : IP he -.hinks I'm gonna step bacit again, he's ;.razy . HY : 8ay . . .wsit a minute, aren't you Jeck Benny? o'ACK: `_'es . . .Io sonn poog7 ende artieta k ay i'_ mondo sono vista . HY : G'` 7U~iJaii a pinuce . . .I thought you couldn't speak Italian . MA&Y:L4- k'hst did he sag7 3Y : He said he was one of the greatest comedians in the world . MARY : That he can say in Chinese . JACN. : Too honn weng poo ling ehvet . MARY: Oh shct up! JACK : Mary, pleese . JAY : iVOI A'NICIONO IL ?'LAZA . CHS SS FH .x,OSO ?FROrE SUC _~ANTANTR GONDOLILRES . JACK : What'd he say . . .what'd he ea3? HY : He said we sre r.ow approaching the plaza, which za femous throughoui the world for its einging gondoli.ers . JACK: Oh yes . . .Sook . . . (ACCO}'t-~ION MUSIC STARll4) JACK: . . .A11 those people sltting out on the pier . . .where else would you see anything like this? HT ;K 0 } 0 183S : :.~ -u- QUART : 5TA 3E RA NI NA MIO I0SONMON TA"_'0 TE LO DI RO TE LO DI RO CO IA DOVE DISPET TIUM COAINGRATO PIU TAR NON PTJO PIU TAR NON F`J0 CO IA COCEPNLEEIL TO CO MA SE r SO ROUND PN"D FIRM SO FRLIF P.ACfO;D E NON TI CORRCAPPRFSSO E NON TI STF.UGGI THERE'S NO ROUGH PLR'F NO PUFF TNAT'S ROUGH L^STI, LESTI VIA MONTJAM SU LA SMQKE A :,U'CA TRA L4 LA "_di LA FUNIC'iILI FUIVICUTA, FUNICULI, KTNICUTA BE H4PPY AND GO :,UCRY TRAIA~ILAL0.LAIA <>,d, LESTI IJcSTI WF,'-KN6N YOU FJILL AGR= WM STRIGF. NEANS ?SMFT FUNICULT FUNICULA, _iRP7CiIi,i,t~JNICIIL? A3 RIDI PAG:,L4CCT0 A> [ ~ 2E tWYPY, GO IIJCIZf I 'P'9R AND COMPAFE AND 'f0U'LL fXSCt3V~._,~t' TO BE u,p,pPY AND GO LUCiCf STRIiSE 7RA L4 LA IA IA IA LA LA ORfwB: `-- /V~"-y : ~ UAYPLqUSE) r, R fii'MO1 018 3 8 74 -16- (THIRD ROUTINE)_ ~-._ . JACK :~ -YThat vas/Lol, w it, Mary? / MARY : Yes" aek. u better sit down, our ondola J g starting to move again : IAPPING OF. (SOUND WATER) JACK : Gosh I qouldn't have missed this trip for anything . It's so picturesque here in Venice . MARY : Oh, Jack, look at those signs along the slde of the canal . JACK: Signs? MARY : Yeah . . .I'll see if I can read them as we pass . . . . Prendera un Poonta Da uno key conosco, talia tuo barba ' ma non tuo naso . . . .Burma Shave . • JACK: Mary, Where does it say Burma Shave? MARY ; On that last sign . . .Burmada Radere . . . that's Burma Shave . . JACK : Burmada Radere means Burma 8have? . . .Holy smo ks, I better learn what these Italian words mean . MpRY : Why? `~.~~• a . JACK : I had that on my strawberries this morningf.`I'll juat L•." 't' _ have -to--- MARY(--~fMtJack ; sit down, you're rocking the gondola . . .and we're / getting into heavy traffic . JACK: Yeah. . .just look at all these gondolas going in every direction . . .it's a wonder they don't bump into each other . MEL: (MANIACAL LAUGH) JACK : What was that? CB 19 TY{01 0183875 -77- that man sitting over there in that little boat . He used to work for the traffic department . ME L: (OFF) (MANAIAOAL IAUC:FL) JACK: Hmm . .~j what~s tho matter with him? HY : Ae went orazy trying to paint a white line down the middle of the canal . JACK: eix: .14ill, that is a problem . . .wh,p didn't he try water colors? tiA HA H;a HA HA. . . MARY : JACK. . .LOOK OUT! (SOUND : LOUD SPLASH) JACK : (COrJGxi) Murr . . . (couGi3s) . . .MA-RY . . . i-Lv : Miss, are you sure you dian't push him? MAFfY: Of course not . . .now heln me get him in the boat . HY : .~~~y . , %MRY : i Bkr oo, don't g:ab him by the hair . . .3ere, Jack, here's my hand . (SOUND : SPLASHING OF GFTTING INTO BOAT) JACK: (COUGFB) These boats are too narrcw . M9HY : What do you mean too narrow? Yo i i even fell off the :url•-ne . JACK : Only cnce . . .Gee, I'm co1d . . .I Chink I -- I -- I-- I-- (SNEEZE) JAYt Fratturare ~ m coscie.. JACK : Thank you . HY : He said "BL'eak a leg ." ~ JACK: Gee, Lt,/)sour.ds co ni.ce in Italiaz: . aa Hi'}SC)t QtB 3 B 7 6 [ -7.a- ¢ YF MAAY : Jack,riwhy don't you just sit down and enjoy the ride like everybody else? JACK: Okay . . .but gee, I'm so wet . [aIAFtY : Well, it's your own fault . ~,JAY: Signorinas e Signores na ora pas~s~~'.'-amoso spacio Tar .-~ ~ yualche spesa en Venice . HY: The U'uide just eaid we're passing the shopp,ing'center of Venicv?~ , JACK: Oh yes . MARY : Look at those Sitt le p bores . . .right out on the water . . . Gosh, this is the-;in1y plae,in the world like t.his . JACK: Yeah . . .and.Mary, look at that stbr o on ihe end . . .it speatalizes in gondola accessories . . .njyn~ Moe and Luigi . '~ The place in Los Angeles must've sto .l.en its iidme from this one . JAY: Sz2, Signoinas a Si .gnores,noi pass,~v i i1 famoso Americano ruinione spazio en Venice . iiY : The guide ;ust pointed out the famous American rendezvous in Veni~ce ~called Harry's Bar . SACK : Ch yee,II've heard of t1at . . .i:Et's where a11 the Ameri.cacs in Venice come for cocktails . Mt1~^AY : We must go there . Jack . 3 .2,c I SACK : fr.air. .4Or,d sag, Ma .r,.•P d±d . "~e11 you the wonderYhl jcke I made up about Il'rankie Remley . 1'm gonna do it cn our firsc brcadcast nexz season . Nu1RY ; Look, oavk-i you're cr~ .? vscation . . .forget jokes . . . -^.H fiT5{C37 Cit836i? -19- > JACK : No no j) Mary, this N44~1 be sensational . ,~, .Nd(r get this . . ! 4wc ~ I'm gonna say th=.t when we were in Venice, Frank Remely went into EiaPr.V's Bar and sat down at a table with one of the natives . . .Remley took a drink and then the native took a drink. . .Then Remley took another drink and the•native took another drink . . .they kept drinking, and drinkiru, till the native couldn't see any more . . .ii4 HA Ii~l H,1 HP. . MaRY : Wh..t's so funny about that? JACK : Mary4 don't you gst it? Remley is the first guy i.a the world ever to drink a'Jenetian Elind . . $4 Ai 111 i?9 I3AA . . . Mary, don't you get '_t . . . 'Jenetian -- (SOUND : LOU7J BPIAS3) JACK: (COUGHB) D7ARY . . . (COUGE3"o) . . .MARY! J" HY : 8ere, Miss, I'11 help you . MftF2Y : IVever mind, this time i pushed him . ~ JAY : (SINGS) OL S6LN MLO . . .OL SOLS A4F9"`=`"`"r JACK : MARY . . . (COUGIiS) . . .MP,RY. . . (COUGlt4) (TRANSITION MUSIC) (APPIJ±USE) JACK : Mary, you made up the whole tn .ing. . .~-~hat's not what happened in Venice s#,-a33 . M1^ARX : Now, Jack, I didn't exaggerate at a7.1 . That'¢ exactly what __ (SOUND: PIIDNE RINGS) 6it a minute . . . (SOUND : RECSIVER UP) OE JACK : Hello . ROCH : iv :LLO, BOSS, I GOT SOME MORE NEWS POR YOU . JACK : What is it uow . Rochester? 1 ROCH : THE WEDDING-:ff~,OFu', I AIN'T GONNA GET MARRIED . JACK : Nhy, uhat happened? ROOH : MY GIRL RAN OFF AND MARRIED ANOTHER B'E2JArJ . JACK : Oh, she didn't love you, eh? ROCH : OH NO . . .SHE L9V5S)ME, DCES, BUT SHE; M4RRIED FOR MONEY . JACK : Oh, this other fellow's rich? ROCH : NO, BUT HE'S GOT SOME . JACK: 9h-.'oh . . 4ZI r ight, Rochester, so we won't have a cook. . . Goodbye . ZCCH : G00000UDSYE . (SOUND : RECEIVER D(h^!N) (APPLAUSE) (°LAYOFF) CB HT(M 0 7 0 7 8 3 87 3 'PHE TAQK EENN4 PH(1GRAM c- x l,=,caiy xo9A q co 00 . - SUNE 7, 1953 (Transcribed May 27, 1953) CIdSIAG COMMERCIAL : WILSON : Jack will be back in just a moment, but first a word to cigarette smokers . . . nothing -- no, nothinv. -- beats better taste! And remember. . . COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother CCJLLSSIS : Iuckies tnate better . CHOAtIS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother For Lucky Strike moans fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco . C01SSN8 : Luckies taste better GHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike . . . Lucky Strike, WI.i,$ON: In spite of all you near about cigarette smoking today, one ' basic truth remains . . . it's the i~&ste of a cigarette that counts! Nothing -- no, nothina - beats better taste! And Luckies taste better . . .oleaner, fresher, smoother . There are good reasons for it . Luckies are made better to taste better . . . made round and firm and fslly packed, to draw freely and smoke eveniy. Naturally that will give you a better smoke . Then, too, better taste in s cigarette must begin with the tobacco . Arid -- IS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . ., .fine, light, mild tobacco with it's own wonderftil aroma and a taste that's even better . So remember, friends . ., cniy °ine tobacco, in a better-made cigarette, asrn give you Inckies' better taste . And only better taste can give you the real, deep-down smoking enjoyment you want! So . ., be happy -- go Luck;•! Next time . . .ask for a r,arton of . . . Lac at,ri e! Sportsmen Be happy -- go Lucky Ouertet : lL ong Get better taste today Moss :p F7T IV01 0 ' 1 8388 0 -21- (TAG) JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, since this is the last show of the seeson, I want to take this opportunity un behalf of my entire cast and my sponsors, the American Tobacco Company, to thank you for listening and I hope your11 a11 be with us again when we resume broadcasting September Thirteenth . . .In the meantime, starting next week, tune in at this same time and you will hear, Guy (BOOM) Guy (BOOM, BOOM) Guy I,ombardo . . . . . Goodnight, everybody . (APPLAUSE & MUSIC) DON: The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, and uroduced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . Starting next Suaday at this aame time and on this same station Lscky Strike 17111 present Guy Lombardo Time . Tune `_n to heer Guy and the Royal Canadians play your favorite tunes each week, until Jack Benny returns i.n the fall . And every Thursday over this same station, be sure to heer The American Way, with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by lucky 9trike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America l s leading manufacturer of cigarettes . FT}r~,'17 0 98 :3 813 '!